0:06 - 0:07
Podcasts. There are millions of them.
0:07 - 0:09
Some might say too many.
0:09 - 0:09
I have one already.
0:09 - 0:10
I don't have any because there are enough.
0:10 - 0:18
Politics, business, sport, you name it. There's a podcast about it. They all ask the big questions and cover the hot topics of the day.
0:18 - 0:22
But nobody is covering the most important topic of all.
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Why is that? Are they scared?
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Too afraid of being censored by the man?
0:28 - 0:33
Possibly. But not us. We're here to ask the only question that matters.
0:33 - 0:38
We try and say it at the same time, Max. What did you do yesterday?
0:38 - 0:48
What did you do yesterday? What did you do yesterday? That's it. All we're interested in is what the guest got up to yesterday. Nothing more.
0:48 - 0:50
Day before yesterday, Max?
0:50 - 0:51
The greatest and most interesting day of your life?
0:51 - 0:53
Unless it was yesterday. We don't want to know about it. I'm Max Rushden.
0:53 - 0:54
And I'm David O'Doherty.
0:54 - 1:06
Welcome to What Did You Do Yesterday? Hello and welcome to What Did You Do Yesterday? My name is Max Rushden. And alongside me today is the Irish comedian, David O'Doherty. Welcome, David.
1:07 - 1:11
The rarest of all flowers today, Max, a David O'Doherty booking.
1:11 - 1:12
Oh, well done, David.
1:12 - 1:25
You've been really putting it in there for the last few months. Just you've really got some good ones. So I felt guilty because you do all of the booking. So I felt I should get Bella Hull.
1:25 - 1:35
We deliver different things to the podcast. I do the emails. Well, Mars Bar does the emails. Then I look at the ones that he's looked at.
1:35 - 1:41
You book the guests. And when I book a guest, we always be like, maybe just David should book the guests.
1:42 - 1:46
Bella Hull. What an absolute get this is.
1:47 - 1:59
You may know Bella from, she had one of the greatest lines in the history of, have I got news for you? I couldn't remember the name of that show there. That's what that little pause was. I was about to say, whose line is it anyway?
1:59 - 2:03
Yes, she was with her. Ryan Stiles.
2:03 - 2:14
When she was two years old, she did a great gag. And Paul Merton and Ryan Stiles and Josie Lawrence just could not stop laughing. Richard Ranch threw his piano away. He was like, that's it. This show is done.
2:14 - 2:18
She's a writer and contributor on SNL UK. She is a
2:18 - 2:29
wonderful standup comedian. And her new show, Mad Cow Disease, is at 1230 in the day at Monkey Barrel.
2:29 - 2:37
That's such a great time for her and for us. You can go and you can be in bed at six. And also she can do it and not have to think about it all day and then have a day.
2:39 - 2:46
This is a day that it opens big. I'd say it. It continues. This is a good one. This is what Bella Hull did yesterday.
2:56 - 2:58
Bella Hull, welcome to What Did You Do Yesterday?
2:58 - 3:02
Thank you very much for having me, everybody. What a pleasure to be here.
3:03 - 3:15
Just before we've recorded, producer Will, and he's never said this before, because your setup is delivering such excellent audio quality, said you're his favorite ever guest. So Omen's pretty good there, Max. What do you think?
3:15 - 3:29
Well, here's what I'm excited about. For the tape, we're obviously not on video because I don't believe any podcasts do video. The listeners won't be able to see this, but behind you there's a series of post-it notes that makes me think you might be a detective.
3:29 - 3:37
And I'm looking forward to what crimes you solved, what murder case. We're all on a murder case now. And I'm excited about it.
3:37 - 3:48
Yeah. For people who are at home listening into their ears, I've recently invested in giant post-it notes, normal size post-it notes and miniature post-it notes.
3:48 - 3:51
This admin is so exciting.
3:51 - 3:52
Brings me deep pleasure.
3:52 - 4:03
Sometimes people with Alzheimer's use post-it notes, you know, so they just remember what things are stuck to them. So this could be a problem when we really start to investigate your yesterday.
4:05 - 4:06
But we'll find out.
4:06 - 4:17
My grandma has dementia and I've got ADHD, so we both forgot her birthday, but she's very into writing on everything. She'll just write things on like the side of the fridge or on the microwave.
4:17 - 4:29
And because she's so terrified about forgetting things, her house is just littered with like the back of a BT envelope, has like Paula's birthday on Tuesday and you don't know where it's from or like what year it's from.
4:29 - 4:34
Is that like Vanessa Feltz in the first Big Brother? Kept writing on the tables and everything.
4:36 - 4:50
I think she did. Yeah. I think she was the first person on reality TV to realize how completely insane it would be to go on reality TV while you're on it. So she started writing on the tables. So I think, anyway, none of this is important. Bella, what time did you wake up yesterday?
4:50 - 4:53
30 in the morning. up at 7.30 in the morning.
4:54 - 5:03
Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa. That's the time I wake up at. So I don't appreciate it. In future, that's my slot. And you can go a minute before our app.
5:03 - 5:10
You think waking up is like using the toilet on a train. It's like, we all get like seven minutes each.
5:10 - 5:14
You get seven minutes each because it takes so long for that door to open.
5:14 - 5:17
Yeah. Oh my God. And it's so long for it to close.
5:17 - 5:25
Why does it take three minutes for everyone watching a toilet door closing and I'm inside it? It's just like, that's excruciating.
5:25 - 5:32
It's one of the most ominous places on earth, isn't it? Okay. So 7.30, is it an alarm or is it a natural wake?
5:32 - 5:35
I normally wake up with an anxious gasp.
5:37 - 5:49
Because I've sort of remembered that I'm alive and that makes me feel overwhelmed. I do set an alarm normally like ambitiously later than that because in my fantasy world, I'm not waking up like this.
5:50 - 5:55
That's how I normally wake up, I would say. Sort of like the mother of a newborn baby.
5:55 - 6:01
Yeah. Or like you were dead and someone's put that, the adrenaline needle into your chest.
6:01 - 6:05
I wake up like Mia on Pulp Fiction. That's how I wake up most days.
6:05 - 6:07
Or you sleep underwater.
6:07 - 6:17
Like you sleep in a full bath and then just when you start to run out of oxygen at exactly 7.30, you pop up for the first breath of the day.
6:17 - 6:21
I would say when I wake up, I normally wake up and sit up all in one go.
6:22 - 6:29
And not in a way that's like productive Mark Zuckerberg vibes, in a way that is like sort of a woman rising from a two.
6:29 - 6:30
Exorcist vibes.
6:30 - 6:31
Yeah, exactly.
6:33 - 6:43
Because we didn't ask whether it was a.m. or p.m., imagine if it was 7.30 p.m. and Bella was our first vampire. You know what I mean?
6:44 - 6:50
I slept upside down in a cupboard, then got into a coffin for a while and sat bolt upright.
6:51 - 6:55
Well, that's important though because Mars Bar tells us we need to get different niches of guests.
6:56 - 7:05
You know, because if we just keep getting the same comedians all the time, it's the same audience. Whereas there is a big vampire audience that we haven't really tapped into.
7:05 - 7:06
It's an untapped market.
7:07 - 7:20
In the podcast world. Exactly. Even Rory Stewart and Alistair Campbell cannot crack the vampires and that's what we're going to hopefully do. Okay, so it's 7.30. Yesterday specifically, are you bolt upright? Is it an exorcist wake?
7:20 - 7:27
Yes, it was particularly an exorcist wake yesterday, I think. It's that
7:27 - 7:42
noise that I'm making. I had to leave at 9 a.m. And for me, 90 minutes to get ready. There's never enough time for me to get ready. I'm always deeply, I would say, sort of drowning in stress if I have two
7:42 - 7:44
things to do in a day.
7:45 - 7:48
I can barely breathe with the anxiety.
7:48 - 8:01
Wow, this is a fresh start to the day. A fresh and terrible hell that we're entering into. Bella, do you then immediately get up and start pottering?
8:01 - 8:06
Or do you add to the anxiety by, in fact, lying in bed for 40 minutes?
8:06 - 8:19
It's a simple case of I'm adding to the anxiety by lying in bed for 40 minutes. Because I'm sort of, I don't know what I'm trying to do. I think I'm trying to, like, maybe calm down a bit.
8:19 - 8:24
But really, I should just get up and start going. But I don't. I linger and fester.
8:25 - 8:28
And is that doom scrolling? Or is it just lying?
8:28 - 8:33
Often it's journaling. I would say, so before this Zoom call, I journaled for an hour.
8:34 - 8:38
Yeah, but we don't care about today, Bella. I mean, I know it's important, but I have to be strict with you.
8:38 - 8:42
You know what? I hold my hands up. You are correct. Irrelevant. Objection, irrelevance.
8:42 - 8:43
Sustained. Sustained.
8:43 - 8:52
I didn't journal yesterday, which is probably why I was anxious. Got up, had a shower, came back into my room, got ready. I left at 9 a.m.
8:52 - 9:07
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hang on. We're skipping over. So, firstly, I like the use of the verb fester. I would say, in all 300 episodes of Diary of a CEO, no one has ever festered for any length of time.
9:07 - 9:12
I would say that festering is an essential part of my morning routine.
9:12 - 9:18
Do you eat in this time? Do you have coffee to add to this anxiety plum pudding?
9:18 - 9:24
I add to the anxiety plum pudding by not having any groceries in my house.
9:25 - 9:39
But then opening the fridge door, I would say sort of 85 miles an hour just to check and then feeling deep disappointment in myself that I don't have any groceries. I think often what I have is two potato waffles with no plate.
9:39 - 9:49
Chuck them in the toaster, take them straight out. I didn't have that yesterday. What did I eat yesterday for breakfast? Oh, I actually know what I ate, but it was on the way. It was on the way when I left.
9:49 - 9:50
Okay, so we're not there yet.
9:50 - 9:55
Hang on. Max, I got to go one level deeper than this.
9:55 - 9:56
Thank you, David.
9:56 - 10:08
Bella, I'm not in favor of cats being put in bags. However, a cat was recently let out of a bag when on a previous episode
10:08 - 10:20
of this, a very popular episode involving comedian and magician Dan Tiernan, he revealed he lives perhaps in this apartment.
10:20 - 10:35
So I'm surprised to hear he hasn't got up before you and made a delicious breakfast, a big platter. There's various sorts of melon there, you know what I mean? As opposed to him standing on a large balcony having a vape.
10:35 - 10:47
It's very surprising to me when I'm up and he's not doing yoga in the living room. No, normally I would say Dan arises at around 4pm most days.
10:47 - 10:51
Okay, so he's not shown his face yet yesterday.
10:51 - 10:55
Looking green. He looks green when he wakes up, I would say.
10:55 - 10:56
So goblins and vampires.
10:56 - 10:57
This is great.
10:57 - 11:03
He resolves the issue of how green he is by going outside and immediately having four to seven cigarettes.
11:04 - 11:16
I would say often his door is unable to be open because there is what I can only describe as shit on the floor. There's a lot of shit on the floor. The moment there's a broken picture frame on the floor.
11:17 - 11:26
It's interesting seeing your post-it notes. And my knowledge of Dan is just one day that he spent with us. There's quite a yin and yang.
11:26 - 11:27
Yeah. Yeah.
11:27 - 11:29
A cohabiting space, I imagine.
11:29 - 11:39
I'm organized more than he is. I'm maternal. We've got a system now. When he first moved in, I would say this deep maternal instinct kicked in where I needed to mother him constantly.
11:39 - 11:53
And then I realized I can't do that every day because I had an experience where I'd made him a beautiful frothy latte with cocoa sprinkles on top and then a sourdough toast with smashed avocado, feta and chili flakes.
11:53 - 12:05
I gave it to him. He went, and then he often plays from his room what I describe as like male mental health music. What's that? Well, it's this. I gave him the avocado toast and the coffee.
12:05 - 12:17
And then five minutes later, I hear blasting from his room a song where the lyrics are, no one knows how hard I'm kicking just to stay afloat. And it was five minutes after I'd handed him breakfast in bed.
12:20 - 12:22
The final nail. How could you?
12:22 - 12:25
And I thought, I do deeply love this man, but I'm not going to do that again.
12:26 - 12:28
And also, are you younger than him?
12:29 - 12:32
It's hard to be maternal and younger. That feels.
12:32 - 12:34
Yeah, it is. I think I'm two and a half years younger.
12:34 - 12:36
Does it feel like mums are often?
12:36 - 12:38
No. Mums are often older.
12:38 - 12:44
Yeah. That's my experience. Yeah. Okay, so where are we at? We've done our 40 minutes of lying in bed.
12:45 - 12:53
Yeah. 40 minutes festering, 50 minutes of getting ready. In that 50 minutes, what is the getting ready process? Is that just getting dressed?
12:53 - 12:54
I am having a shower.
12:55 - 13:10
I'm brushing my teeth. I'm coming back into my room. I'm getting dressed. I'm probably looking at the weather app on my phone. I'm thinking, what do I wear today? I am thinking about the day ahead of me and what I should wear that's practical for all of my various activities.
13:10 - 13:18
And I wore this shirt and a pair of jeans. And then at nine o'clock, I leave.
13:18 - 13:25
So interruption. So you are leaving the house not to return until the end of the day. Is that so that the outfit has to fit?
13:25 - 13:30
It has to fit two activities, but I'm coming home before the third one.
13:30 - 13:36
I understand. Fencing and river rafting. And it's tricky to find the outfit that fits both of those.
13:36 - 13:43
And representing my uncle in court. So it's hard to find all three and paddle and teaching paddle.
13:44 - 13:45
Yeah, yeah. Of course. Teaching paddle.
13:45 - 13:48
It's the wig. It's the difficulty is how do you carry that wig around?
13:48 - 13:55
It's the wig and the shorts. It's a triathlon and being a judge.
13:55 - 14:04
Look, I'm not here to give advice in this, but it's just something you could think about going forward, Bella. How about the trousers with the just below the knee zip?
14:04 - 14:07
Right idea. Combat trouser zips. Yeah.
14:07 - 14:19
Every time I see a man wearing zip down trousers, I would say that I can feel 80 of my eggs dying in a Jonestown-like event.
14:22 - 14:25
Where are we going at nine o'clock?
14:25 - 14:29
At nine o'clock, we are going to my agency. I'm represented by Avalon.
14:30 - 14:32
And I am meeting...
14:32 - 14:37
You're meeting David Avalon, who is the head of Avalon.
14:37 - 14:39
I'm meeting Mr. Avalon.
14:39 - 14:40
Mr. Avalon.
14:40 - 14:47
I'm having a little meeting with a producer that works there and a co-writer who's also my friend.
14:47 - 14:48
Steven Spielberg.
14:48 - 15:00
Steven Spielberg. And we are having a meeting. It's sort of a meeting about a meeting in a way. It's like a meeting about I'm doing, hopefully, a little series for the radio soon.
15:00 - 15:05
I'm not sure if I can really even talk about it, but I'm doing a little series for the radio soon. And I...
15:05 - 15:11
Interruption. Can I just check? Is it Saturday and Sunday mornings on TalkSport? Because if so...
15:11 - 15:12
You got me. Fuck.
15:13 - 15:14
That's why I didn't want to say anything.
15:14 - 15:16
This is how I find out.
15:16 - 15:24
This is Bella. Give me a ring. 0762. We're talking our England bottlers. Yeah. Drop it, Lauren.
15:24 - 15:29
We're talking where is England? Send me a text if you know.
15:31 - 15:33
It's got to be Radio 4, right?
15:33 - 15:36
It's got to be. Well, yes. I can't confirm nor deny.
15:37 - 15:50
But I do have to record some episodes by the end of the year, and I need to figure out what is going to be in them. And so that was what that meeting was about. It was a brainstorming.
15:50 - 15:55
How finalized is the idea? You don't have to tell us what the idea is, but do we know what the series is?
15:55 - 16:04
Is it this? Do you get people on and make them go through in forensic detail, tedious detail, what they did the day before?
16:05 - 16:09
This calls over. This is ending right now, Max.
16:09 - 16:18
It's been like such a fall from grace to be the producer's favorite guest to this. You know? It's gone so wrong in the course of 15 minutes.
16:18 - 16:27
Brazen to come on this episode the day that you announced that you're taking all our jobs. You come over here, Bella, and you're taking our jobs.
16:27 - 16:37
It reminds me a bit of, do you remember when Jon Stewart went on Crossfire on CNN and basically ruined the show by just telling them what they're doing is tacky theater and they should stop it now.
16:38 - 16:44
And the show was shut down then. And then Jon Stewart kind of, in a way, did his own version of that in the future.
16:45 - 16:53
So that's what I'm doing here. And it's not a classy move, but we've all got to claw and fight and hustle to have a career in this industry.
16:53 - 17:01
Right. So how many episodes have they just said, we're like you, you've got a 10-part series, off you go. And now you're like, oh, I'd better do something.
17:01 - 17:15
It's not quite 10 parts. It's slightly fewer than them. But I'm sort of working out, I just want to do something that's like really funny and interesting and weird and not what people would expect, you know? But then it's like, I'm saying that out loud in a room and then feeling like an idiot.
17:16 - 17:19
Because I don't actually have a formulated plan.
17:19 - 17:29
I once pitched a, I wrote my first children's book. I was like 22 or something and then went to pitch it to some TV people.
17:29 - 17:41
And they said, what do you want it to be like? And I said, I want it to be funnier than The Simpsons. And that still just echoes in my head, which is, yeah, yeah, no, that's fair enough.
17:42 - 17:56
I went to some meetings, you know, to meet some, you know, indie TV producers when I started on soccer and I was new and I wouldn't say necessarily interesting, but just a new person who was on the telly. And then they'd say like, yeah, but what is your passion? And I'd sit in the meeting going, oh, fuck.
17:56 - 18:06
What is my passion? I've got no, absolutely no idea. You know, I can't say football because I already do that. It's got to be something. It's something beyond football. What are you interested in? You want to go out?
18:06 - 18:07
You make a good moussaka.
18:07 - 18:18
Yeah, I do make a good moussaka and it didn't come to mind, but I came up with this idea, right? I came up with this idea for a TV show. Have I mentioned it, David? It's just called Big Things, right? And you go and find the biggest,
18:18 - 18:26
no, seriously, listen, listen, you find the biggest house, the biggest car, the biggest biscuit, the biggest head, which is yours, David, you know, the biggest tractor.
18:26 - 18:27
Biggest paperclip.
18:27 - 18:42
Amazing. And I was laughed out to the point where my agent said, can you not bring that up with any other light TV, please? And I was like, it's a fucking good idea. And then Richard Hammond's Big Things just appears. There it is. You bastards.
18:42 - 18:45
You can't trust anyone in this earth.
18:45 - 18:50
And ironically, Bella, I'm bigger than Richard Hammond. So like, where's the justice?
18:50 - 18:54
Where's the justice? You are the big thing if you two are together in a lineup.
18:55 - 18:56
Yeah, exactly.
18:56 - 18:59
He's a tiny little thing. Where does he live? In a bloody doll's house.
18:59 - 19:03
But maybe, I suppose, for perspective reasons, better to have him. Because he would make...
19:03 - 19:04
It's easy for production.
19:04 - 19:07
Yeah, yeah. He makes the blue whale even bigger than it is.
19:07 - 19:08
Yeah, yeah.
19:08 - 19:11
But this meeting is with your sort of threat. This is not...
19:11 - 19:12
Yes, it's not with scary people.
19:12 - 19:14
Right, okay, that's good.
19:14 - 19:27
It's with sort of in-house people that I trust. And also on the way to the meeting, I'm doing my makeup on the tube. I did half of my makeup in my room and I finished the other half on the tube. And I bought from a kiosk a cherry-flavoured muffin.
19:28 - 19:41
For breakfast, I ate half of it. And then I thought, this is kind of dry and maybe making me feel sick. And then I drank a cold Starbucks espresso with milk and sugar, which also, I think...
19:42 - 19:43
One of the cans?
19:43 - 19:45
I don't know if that's a good...
19:45 - 19:51
Not a good start to the day nutritionally. It was just like a lot of sugar and no, nothing's good for me.
19:51 - 19:54
Yeah, that's really bad. That's terrible.
19:54 - 20:02
No, I'm just thinking in quality of coffee, you know, where the first coffee is key, a can of Starbucks is like, you've given up.
20:03 - 20:08
Oh, you don't even know. I used to start the day... For years, I started the day with a white monster energy.
20:08 - 20:09
Oh, my God.
20:09 - 20:13
But that is bad, isn't it? It is bad. But it feels incredible.
20:14 - 20:19
I think you shouldn't even open the can. You should, right, just swallow the can unopened.
20:22 - 20:30
Just slam it against the wall until it's spurting out like the Trevi Fountain and then just open my mouth and just let it all go in and into my eyes and into my nose.
20:32 - 20:41
Yeah. Now, there's an idea, though, isn't it? If every day the Trevi Fountain, it was Monster one day and then Huel, Red Bull, Red Bull Wednesdays.
20:42 - 20:47
Yeah. A WKD. WKD on a Friday night coming out of the Trevi Fountain. Wow.
20:47 - 20:49
Hot Choccy in the wintertime.
20:49 - 20:51
Maybe an Ovaltine on Christmas Eve.
20:51 - 20:54
Yeah. Coco Decembers. Oh, this is really...
20:54 - 20:58
Can you guys please stop riffing? I'm here to find out what Bella did yesterday.
20:58 - 21:03
It's my comedy instinct, David, taking over once again. Thanks for stopping me in my tracks.
21:03 - 21:14
How long does this meeting go on? It's going to be a 90-minute meeting because you can't really think about something as abstract as a potential radio show for more than that because then you end up just talking
21:14 - 21:19
about anecdotes about people you went to school with who are in prison now.
21:19 - 21:28
Totally. That did start to happen towards the end. I also had to leave for a different activity. I had to leave at 12 on the dot.
21:28 - 21:35
So I think I left it at like 11.50, which meant there was like 15 minutes of sort of chatting either side of the meeting.
21:35 - 21:39
Did anyone say in the meeting, look, there's no such thing as a bad idea, guys?
21:39 - 21:47
No. And they have learned that I can't to not ever say that to me because I will take the piss if they do.
21:48 - 21:50
Richard Hammond and Alison Hammond.
21:50 - 21:53
They recondition an old Hammond organ. It's called Free Hammond.
21:54 - 21:56
That's really good. I'd watch it. Who's not watching it?
21:56 - 21:58
I mean, I'd watch that. This is the thing.
21:58 - 22:05
Sorry. I am just occasionally on this podcast hearing birds. Have I lost my mind.
22:05 - 22:15
No. You know what? The WhatsApp group of my building recently, a message came up saying there is a very rare breed of bird living on the roof.
22:15 - 22:18
Peregrine falcon in flat six. This is exciting.
22:18 - 22:24
There are these tiny, very exotic birds that have migrated. They're not parakeets. It's like, that is what you can hear.
22:24 - 22:27
The nature documentary. This is good.
22:27 - 22:33
Pitch that. I wonder if Dan will join them, you know, get a bird suit and then just go and live with them.
22:34 - 22:42
All these birds are on the balcony in their pants with a cigarette and then they all die out. You kill the Mesopotamian starling because...
22:42 - 22:45
Yeah, they've been absorbing so much secondhand vape smoke.
22:46 - 22:48
All the tiny lungs.
22:48 - 22:52
800 bird corks in a cloud of triple watermelon.
23:00 - 23:04
So, we've done the meeting. We've had 15 minutes, just bants.
23:05 - 23:11
And then you are in a rush to go somewhere else. This is London town. Everyone's hustling. You've got to go down the market.
23:11 - 23:12
Everyone's hustling.
23:12 - 23:15
You've got to sell some dodgy watches.
23:15 - 23:26
I get a bus. I get a tube. I've cut it fine, so I'm feeling anxious and stressed. But I don't have the number of anyone of this second thing that I'm doing.
23:26 - 23:34
To text them and warn them that I might be 10 minutes late. So, I'm sort of just anxious and feeling bad about that for an hour.
23:35 - 23:45
I like the dramatic device that Bella is using here, where she's clearly withholding what it is, because it's going to be something really exciting right now.
23:45 - 23:48
Yeah, yeah. It's big.
23:48 - 23:50
What do you reckon it is? It is something huge, maybe.
23:50 - 23:56
It's in London, so that narrows it down, because there's only like three activities that you can do in London.
23:56 - 23:57
The M&M shop.
23:57 - 23:59
There's the M&M shop.
24:00 - 24:07
M&M, M&S Food Court, or Trocadero Centre Laser Quest. They're the three possibilities.
24:07 - 24:10
Or you're going on a date with one of the royals.
24:11 - 24:11
That's possible.
24:11 - 24:12
That is possible also.
24:12 - 24:16
And depending on which royal, it could be quite controversial.
24:16 - 24:21
Yeah, problematic. Depending on which generation I'm striving for at this point.
24:21 - 24:28
Everyone deserves a second chance, says Bella, as she steps out with.
24:29 - 24:33
What's the little one called? George? Who's the one that's really got an attitude?
24:33 - 24:35
George is a baby, is he not?
24:35 - 24:40
Is he the one that rolls his eyes at everyone on the balcony?
24:40 - 24:44
That would also be controversial, if Bella steps out with George, brackets five.
24:46 - 24:49
I was doing some Prince Andrew stuff there, but you took it to George.
24:49 - 24:53
I got that. I was trying to take the edge off that, and then go the other end.
24:53 - 24:56
And imply that I'm a pedophile. Yeah, that's great.
24:56 - 25:08
Yeah, you were trying to take the edge off by implying that Bella was not dating a pedophile, but was a pedophile herself. I see. It's called the great pedophile transfer. Yeah.
25:08 - 25:10
Where are you going, Bella, home?
25:10 - 25:14
So me and Prince George are going to the Ivy.
25:14 - 25:17
And no, I am going to Spotify Studios.
25:19 - 25:28
I am doing a podcast for a new series. I don't know whether it's going to be released. You actually will like it. I think I'm allowed to say, probably. It was with Ivo Graham and Richard Osman.
25:28 - 25:29
Okay, that's good.
25:29 - 25:32
It's like the World Cup of Things.
25:32 - 25:34
Oh, yeah, yeah. Richard likes doing those things, doesn't he?
25:35 - 25:37
So we did the World Cup of Bald Men.
25:37 - 25:41
Oh, right. Okay, now this is good. Tally Savalas is in the mix.
25:41 - 25:48
Moby's in the mix, yeah. Moby's in the mix. Greg Wallace, not in the mix. Much to my chagrin.
25:48 - 25:49
Jason Statham.
25:49 - 25:51
Jason Statham very much in the ring, yeah.
25:51 - 25:55
Duncan Goodhew, or is that a different generation?
25:55 - 25:57
Your references are all off, Max. Tally Savalas and Duncan Goodhew.
25:57 - 26:02
Tally Savalas and Duncan Goodhew are getting into the Bald World Cup. And if not, Osman has things to think about.
26:02 - 26:14
To our listeners who are under the age of 45, Tally Savalas was Kojak in the 70s American cop show. Duncan Goodhew won a medal in the 1980 Olympics.
26:14 - 26:20
So they're the references that Max is running with here.
26:20 - 26:23
What about Atilio Lombardo or Steve Agnew?
26:23 - 26:26
I'm shaking my head. Alan Shearer.
26:26 - 26:31
He's not really bald, Shearer. But he's got a shaved head. That doesn't even count.
26:31 - 26:41
Yeah, there's a difficulty here, which is some people, maybe they're losing it a bit and they just go for the shave then. But are they technically? Like, you know, you couldn't shout cue ball at
26:41 - 26:54
Alan Shearer. What Osman's done here is he's trying to make it, give it mass appeal by bringing in your Alan Shearers. And actually, he should have stuck with true baldies like Pierluigi Colina. And I understand what he's trying to do.
26:54 - 26:57
Pierluigi who? Sounds very niche.
26:57 - 27:03
He is the head of the referees in football now. And he was a famous referee in football in the 2000s.
27:03 - 27:04
I'm so sorry not to know that.
27:05 - 27:09
No, that's okay. What about Mark Strong? Is Mark Strong in it?
27:09 - 27:09
Who's that?
27:09 - 27:13
Mark Strong is a really famous actor. If you saw him, you'd be like...
27:13 - 27:14
Mark Strong.
27:14 - 27:26
Yeah. Google Mark Strong. Because I used to play football with him. He is... I said to him, you know, you'd be a good voice of the apocalypse. You know, when it's like the bomb is landing. And he went, he said, yeah, I am that.
27:27 - 27:34
Because I thought it'd be good if it was like Alan Carr. You know, if you're going to go, let's just go in a fun way. But it is Mark Strong. Yeah.
27:34 - 27:41
So he's recorded the voiceover for, in the event of an apocalypse. He will come on all the TV stations.
27:41 - 27:41
Yeah. Yeah.
27:41 - 27:45
I do recognize him. And that is a strong, bald head.
27:45 - 27:48
He's winning the Bald World Cup, Mark Strong.
27:48 - 27:50
Is Humpty Dumpty in there?
27:50 - 27:53
Humpty Dumpty is not... There were no fictional bald men.
27:53 - 27:57
Well, are you suggesting Humpty Dumpty is fictional? This is taking a turn.
27:57 - 28:05
I think you should go and talk to all the king's horses and all the king's men who put so much effort into trying to save his life.
28:05 - 28:07
They put a real shift in, didn't they?
28:07 - 28:10
They should get medals, like medical medals, you know?
28:11 - 28:22
Do you think Humpty Dumpty, though, had he not had his accident, a chicken would have come out of him then, which really changes it. He was just an egg forever?
28:22 - 28:29
I think if you're just sitting on a wall, I mean, there's no trauma that's going to make you into a character, you know, a hero.
28:30 - 28:45
Yeah, but eggs are... Let me explain about eggs, Bella. And you mentioned yours earlier in this. They are the potential for something else, you would have to say. But here we come to the old problem where,
28:45 - 28:53
you know the way if someone talks about Ring-a-Ring-a-Rosie or whatever, it's actually about the plague. You know, I do wonder if...
28:53 - 28:58
Those types of men, I have a love-hate relationship with those types of men.
28:59 - 29:01
Men who tell you what things are actually about?
29:01 - 29:07
Actually, they always do it in that voice with their index finger outstretched and their index finger is three meters long.
29:08 - 29:13
We don't know if Humpty Dumpty was a fertilized egg or just an egg that came out of a box.
29:13 - 29:16
But the clue is in the rhyme, is it not?
29:16 - 29:21
Well, Humpty Dumpty came out of a free-range six box from Tesco Express.
29:23 - 29:32
And also the fact that he sat on a wall, I guess, implies he was placed there. It's not like Humpty Dumpty went and sat on the wall.
29:32 - 29:34
Yeah, he hadn't hoiked himself up there.
29:34 - 29:37
Notoriously good climber's eggs. They're very underrated. They keep that.
29:37 - 29:43
And it's even more impressive because such a smooth shell, they've got no grip, you know?
29:43 - 29:50
Yeah. It's true. Or limbs. Does the podcast go well? Do you think you give a good account of yourself? Are you pleased with your performance?
29:50 - 30:01
I never know with podcasts. I always leave hoping that it was okay. I think it was okay. I was reassured that it was good and okay. I felt anxious that I didn't know enough about the bald men.
30:02 - 30:03
You're doing great at this podcast.
30:03 - 30:05
Okay, great. Thank you.
30:05 - 30:06
I'd say this one's going really well.
30:06 - 30:12
You know when you sort of imply that you need reassurance and then you get it and then you don't know if it's even real because you asked for it.
30:12 - 30:17
No end of a podcast recording has anyone gone, actually, everyone, when you were a bit shit, see you later. Bye.
30:17 - 30:22
Yeah, exactly. That's never happened. Exactly. That's something you'll do after I leave the call.
30:25 - 30:30
Okay, so you don't have to tell us who won, but your fear is there were some bald men you weren't totally across.
30:30 - 30:33
Yes, I think I was under-researched on some of the bald men.
30:33 - 30:36
Did you know what the topic was going to be beforehand?
30:37 - 30:46
I did, but I've been quite sort of busy and hectic recently and I haven't been able to prepare in a way for every single thing in a way that makes me feel satisfied.
30:47 - 30:55
And interestingly, I don't know how many episodes they'd have done, but like at what stage would you get to bald men, David? Like when you're doing the World Cup of everything.
30:55 - 30:58
This must be series six, episode five.
30:58 - 31:02
It must be, yeah. How many episodes in each series do you think before they get to bald men?
31:02 - 31:13
I don't know. But the thing is, you know, Osman knows what he's doing here. Like we can mock, but it'll be above us in the charts next week. And we're like, for God's sake, Osman, let someone else have something for goodness sake.
31:13 - 31:14
Was Bruce Willis in there?
31:14 - 31:15
Yes, he was in there. Yeah.
31:15 - 31:17
Is Bruce Willis still with us?
31:17 - 31:18
I believe so.
31:18 - 31:22
He isn't very well, but he is still with us.
31:22 - 31:23
Great. Great.
31:25 - 31:27
I didn't know what else to say.
31:27 - 31:42
You have a wonderful, you have a lovely bedside manner. Well, the diagnosis is great, but Dr. O'Doherty's bedside manner is strange. You have three weeks to live. Great. Thumbs up. Double thumbs up. Okay. So we leave that one. How's Ivo? Is he all right?
31:42 - 31:44
Ivo's, we like Ivo too.
31:44 - 31:58
Ivo's lovely. Yeah. It's all good. I then get in a, they've booked Ivo a car to take him home. Ivo doesn't want his car anymore. And they hadn't booked me one because I hadn't asked for one. But then Ivo said, why don't you take my car?
31:58 - 31:59
So I get in his car.
31:59 - 32:02
And go back to Ivo Graham's house. Okay.
32:02 - 32:11
And start living his life and eating food out of his cupboards. I come back to my flat. It is at this point, 4.30 PM.
32:11 - 32:25
Just for international listeners, such as myself, the bus presumably earlier was a London town red bus and the taxi was a London town black cab.
32:25 - 32:33
Correct. It was. And it was, I was surprised that when it arrived, it was a proper black cab. It wasn't an Uber. And that made me feel a sense of national pride.
32:33 - 32:37
I just think that brings more texture to it with those little details.
32:38 - 32:48
And actually we haven't really, without asking what your postcode is, Bella, I like to know where people have come and gone to. So where's Spotify's sort of Tottenham Court Roadway, isn't it?
32:48 - 32:54
Yes. Yeah. I live in North London. I live near the Arsenal Stadium.
32:54 - 33:00
We know that because Dan's explained exactly where you live. So you don't need to.
33:00 - 33:10
I was meeting Tim Key recently at a gig. I probably shouldn't even say this. He told me off and told me to tell Dan off because we repeatedly have said the exact road that we live on.
33:11 - 33:20
On podcasts. And the exact floor that we live on. I always thought that that's fine and casual. But Tim was like, maybe just say North London from now on.
33:20 - 33:25
Yeah. Well, actually, because those birds were listening. Those migrating birds were listening.
33:25 - 33:33
And now they're actually fans. After seeing me on the Have a Word podcast. And they're living on the roof of my flat.
33:33 - 33:43
And they're also a parakeet. So they'll be repeating lines from this podcast, which will do no harm for the publicity for this. No. What did you do yesterday?
33:43 - 33:48
When we see a big spike in Namibia after their great migration, that will be good.
33:49 - 33:51
That'll be great for the pod.
33:51 - 33:53
Yeah. OK, so half past four. We're home. What's happening?
33:54 - 33:55
We're home. Dan is up.
33:55 - 33:56
Well done, Dan.
33:56 - 33:57
So Dan is up.
33:57 - 33:59
It's an early morning for Dan at 4.30.
33:59 - 34:03
It's an early morning. He's doing his 4 p.m. routine.
34:03 - 34:06
Woken by the sound of KFC arriving.
34:06 - 34:19
Yeah. Yeah. Is there a Deliveroo on the way? Normally there is Deliveroo on the way for Dan. He is, I think, doing... Oh, he's doing some emails. He's doing this thing on his document. We are chatting, chatting, chatting. I'm lying on the sofa.
34:19 - 34:28
Then I'm sort of a bit tired at this point. He invites me to go to the pub to watch the England game.
34:29 - 34:40
And I say, maybe I'll come in a bit. Because I just wanted a bit of a lie down and decompress. He leaves. 20 minutes later, I think, oh, I actually don't like being on...
34:40 - 34:45
It's hot in here. I have a gig later in the evening.
34:45 - 34:56
And I think, I've done a lot today. Like, I've used my brain a lot today. And actually, me sitting here trying to work more is just going to make me feel bad because I'm not going to do any more work. So actually, I am going to go join him at the pub. I then leave.
34:57 - 35:01
I try and join him at the pub. There is the most massive queue to get in for the England match.
35:01 - 35:05
Yeah. So, to the listeners, England...
35:05 - 35:06
Is a football team.
35:06 - 35:19
It's the semi-final of the World Cup. And England are playing against Argentina. A nation expects. That's all we'll say. Anticipation is high. They're the favourites.
35:19 - 35:28
So, then I ditched the plan to see him at the pub. But I've still got, like, two hours to kill. So, I go on a big two-hour stomp around Finsbury Park.
35:29 - 35:30
I'm listening to my music.
35:30 - 35:39
Okay. Now, this is interesting. Because Finsbury Park, I used to live around there. If you just do the sort of... There's a kind of aeroplane runway bit of the path.
35:40 - 35:44
So, you can go either up or down that, depending on which... Whether you're going clockwise or anticlockwise.
35:45 - 35:49
So, I'm interested in... Are you a clockwise or an anticlockwise Finsbury parker?
35:49 - 35:53
Normally, I'm clockwise. For some reason, this time, I was anticlockwise.
35:53 - 35:54
Interesting.
35:54 - 36:07
And I also bought some chicken and rice. I realised I was hungry. I bought some chicken and rice from Rooster's Piri Piri Finsbury Park. And I ate it on a park bench while sort of staring into the sunset.
36:07 - 36:19
But not directly, but just sort of vaguely in that direction. Listening to music. And just actually, that was really nice. I was just walking, walking, walking. So, that was for a couple of hours. And often, that's when, like, jokes come to me, you know?
36:20 - 36:25
Right. Okay. And did you think about going to Rowan's Bowling Alley, £1 entry?
36:25 - 36:29
I did not. But I have been there quite a lot recently.
36:29 - 36:30
Is it still £1?
36:30 - 36:37
It is still £1. I'm a huge Rowan's head. I just think it's an incredible time. I'm really awful at bowling.
36:38 - 36:43
Yeah. Did they still have the big billboard with a girl? It's slightly inappropriate, sort of bikini.
36:43 - 36:50
God, yeah. And that area is, I know it so well. Because I used to live, like, above the World's End pub.
36:50 - 36:51
In Finsbury Park.
36:52 - 37:02
And there were rats. And anyway, it was so cheap. It was amazing. And it's really near a bridge that's, like, drips. It's a really drippy bridge. And whenever one of those droplets hits you, you think...
37:02 - 37:12
Well, I hope that I'm not going to die. Do you know what I mean? You think, what? That probably was the dirtiest and most cursed droplet ever. And it's hit me on the head.
37:12 - 37:26
Sorry, guys. Let me just interrupt this bit of reminiscing. I'm a red-blooded man. Tell me about this hot, hot bowling picture. I would imagine she's in a bikini and she's holding two bowling balls. You know what I mean?
37:26 - 37:27
Coquettishly.
37:27 - 37:30
It's very hard to hold two bowling balls.
37:30 - 37:40
She's lying. It looks like a photo that was taken about 1981, I reckon. And so it's got that kind of sepia tone, weathered look.
37:40 - 37:48
Look, she looks like she's not, like, it's just, like, the niece of the guy that owns it. You know?
37:48 - 37:51
It's a silhouette of a curvaceous niece.
37:51 - 38:02
Yeah. Yeah. So she's not really into it. And she's probably just gone, yeah, it'll just go on like a little flyer outside rounds. And now it's a massive billboard. And how they're still funding any of that place.
38:02 - 38:06
When I lived in Vincent Park, it must have been 2003 or 2004.
38:07 - 38:11
And it's still £1 entry. There's something fishy about it.
38:11 - 38:16
Bella, are you secretly checking the results in the match or do you not really care?
38:16 - 38:23
I have started checking the results of football matches since going out with a football journalist.
38:24 - 38:30
But it's only so that I can anticipate his moods.
38:30 - 38:34
He's like, not like me, football journalist. He's like a real one.
38:34 - 38:35
What's the distinction?
38:35 - 38:42
Well, he sort of does research and writes books. And are we to name him or not, Bella? I don't know. It's up to you.
38:42 - 38:46
Well, I think he's already listened to Dan Tiernan's episode that he was named, I think.
38:46 - 39:01
So anyway, let's call him Joey. But it's up to you, Bella. I don't mind. But yeah, he does really good threads on like England playing Argentina. Here's the history of this. Or Senegal playing Belgium. Here's the history of this. Yeah, he's a sort of level up intellectually. So the football journalist you spend more time with,
39:01 - 39:02
David, I would say.
39:02 - 39:07
You like do. You've pictures of three footballers. They're like, snog, marry, avoid.
39:07 - 39:11
And he asked Gango, snog. It's just a difference.
39:11 - 39:19
Do you remember the old days when you could just kick people and then just shag who you wanted? You didn't want to watch the game with him or he didn't want to watch the game with you?
39:19 - 39:31
He had prior plans of watching the game and I had plans of gigging. So we decided to take a very emotionally intelligent amount of space from each other.
39:31 - 39:32
Okay. Good idea.
39:32 - 39:35
So we could both pursue our respective activities.
39:35 - 39:43
I am intrigued. So to the listeners, because I think now we can reveal the game is not going well from an England point of view.
39:44 - 39:48
At the start, it goes well for 60 minutes.
39:48 - 39:50
But you're just on a bench, Bella. So can you hear like...
39:50 - 40:02
I'm just on a bench. I can hear vibes. There's an atmosphere. And also what's interesting, the park is empty. And normally Finsbury Park on a summer evening, there's so many people there.
40:02 - 40:14
There are people rollers blading around. There are lots of men loitering with sandwiches on the floor. There are young boys and girls. There are people sort of fingering each other in various rhododendron bushes.
40:14 - 40:15
Yeah, love it.
40:15 - 40:30
No such activity is taking place. I'm just sat on a bench eating a Piri Piri Roosters meal and kind of enjoying the peace and feeling slightly like, should I be participating in the England match? But also like, you know what? I haven't had a big walk in ages. So it's quite nice.
40:30 - 40:39
Finsbury Park is interesting because some parks, London parks are sort of, they're well manicured and they're posh, but this is all human life. This is quite a chicken bones everywhere.
40:39 - 40:51
Very chicken bones everywhere. It's sort of like Darwin's Lair, Finsbury Park, you know? It's kind of like if Tracy Emin's bed was put in a park 800 times.
40:52 - 40:55
There's lots of underwear in the park.
40:55 - 41:09
So many condoms have sort of biodegraded into the water table. They've now formed new species. So you get these shrubs growing up that actually just have used condoms.
41:09 - 41:11
As the flowers, as the fruit.
41:11 - 41:13
Ironically, it's the fruit.
41:13 - 41:16
You can use them if you pick them when they're ripe.
41:16 - 41:17
They're usable.
41:17 - 41:18
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
41:18 - 41:32
Once they're used, it's good to put them back in the soil because then it sort of allows more condoms to grow in Finsbury Park for the community. I do feel like Finsbury Park people are getting, the people in Finsbury Park are using it as, it's not really a park as much as a bin for condoms.
41:33 - 41:35
That's basically what the park is.
41:35 - 41:37
What music are we listening to?
41:37 - 41:42
We're listening to a new hour, it's new to me, Casey Musgraves' new album.
41:43 - 41:44
I love that one.
41:44 - 41:55
It's like a dreamscape of sort of country music. She's gentle, feminine, sadness. It's incredible and I'm loving it. And I also loved Gone Big Walk, new album. I love that.
41:55 - 42:03
Max, your last musical reference was Things Can Only Get Better by D-Ream. And now it seems like you know new cool music.
42:03 - 42:07
I hadn't heard of it, David. I was just trying to sound, you know.
42:07 - 42:13
I was really surprised. But I thought, don't judge a book by its cover, you know. Maybe you're a Casey Musgraves head.
42:13 - 42:15
No, you should absolutely judge this book.
42:15 - 42:19
Maybe you love a country woman singing about her divorce. Maybe you do like that.
42:19 - 42:30
There was a small chance Casey had a song called You Gotta Kick It In The Goal and it'd been used in lots of montages or something like that. So that would be the only way this would have come across.
42:30 - 42:43
This podcast has established, Bella, very much that you should, that there is actually no book. It's just a cover. If you'd said, I was listening to Automatic for the People by R.E.M., then it would have been a legitimate, you know, yes.
42:43 - 42:49
Or the best album in the world ever. I would have done that on Now 26. I mean, that is a really...
42:49 - 42:55
Now 26. My first CD was Now 62, I believe. That was when I was eight. I think it was when I was eight.
42:55 - 42:59
I had Now 12. Aswad was on. Aswad. And Climby Fisher.
42:59 - 43:11
Max likes Now 12, which has Scott Joplin's The Entertainer on it. And the Surrey with the fringe on top about taking a carriage through Central Park.
43:11 - 43:15
Greensleeve is one of the absolute best.
43:15 - 43:17
Yeah. Scarborough Fair.
43:17 - 43:19
Yeah. Vera Lynn.
43:19 - 43:22
Now 12, UK. I'll tell you, Now 12. It's pretty brilliant.
43:22 - 43:29
Track listing. Wet, wet, wet with a little help from my friends. Belinda Carlisle. Circle in the Sand.
43:29 - 43:31
Maxi Priest. Wild World.
43:31 - 43:40
Give a little love. Climby Fisher. Love changes. Love changes. Changes everything. It's amazing. Phil Collins in the air tonight.
43:40 - 43:47
Don't go. Hot House Flowers. Mary's Prayer. Danny Wilson. Come on. This is... Boys, boys, boys. Sabrina.
43:48 - 43:51
Oh, that's a good one. Yeah.
43:51 - 44:04
A few weeks ago, I was woken by a roofer on the roof of the house next door who was singing Boys, Boys, Boys by Sabrina, who, similar to the silhouette of the lady at the Finsbury
44:04 - 44:14
bowling place, she was known for her big old boobs in the 80s. She was an Italian disco queen who, in her vids, just jiggled them about.
44:15 - 44:16
With large breasts.
44:16 - 44:17
Yeah. It's when music was good.
44:17 - 44:21
Yeah. When everyone had large breasts, then they were just swinging them around.
44:22 - 44:24
We need to get this track on track.
44:24 - 44:25
Push it, Salt and Pepa. Theme from Essex Press.
44:26 - 44:28
Max, stop going through all of the ones.
44:28 - 44:32
How many of the people on this track list have large, notable breasts?
44:32 - 44:35
Well, it's a good question. All of Bananarama. Iron Maiden.
44:35 - 44:38
Come on, that's like the Hanging Baskets of Babylon, that band.
44:40 - 44:52
Morrissey, of course. Big old Kahuna burgers on Morrissey. Okay, let's get this back on track.
44:52 - 44:53
I'm intrigued because Bella...
44:53 - 44:58
That's what I call H-Cups. Sorry, carry on.
44:58 - 45:01
Bella's about to do a gig in front of sad people.
45:01 - 45:03
And we've never had this before.
45:03 - 45:06
Well, actually, the gig was during the match.
45:06 - 45:11
Oh, my goodness. I got off stage just before we started to lose.
45:11 - 45:12
Where's the gig?
45:12 - 45:15
The gig is at Top Secret Comedy Club. Great.
45:15 - 45:16
Where's that?
45:16 - 45:30
That is in Holborn. It's in like Drury Lane. And normally it's packed to the rafters. And there are two big rooms and one's like 280 cap and one's like 150. But I would say there were probably only 50 people in.
45:30 - 45:34
Not that many people, but a lairy audience, I would say.
45:34 - 45:39
Were there many hulltimates there, which is what you called your fans?
45:39 - 45:44
Hulltimates. I would say that I made some people hulltimates by the end of my set.
45:44 - 45:48
And some people were not a fan of my hulltimatum.
45:48 - 45:51
You gave them a hulltimatum and they said no.
45:51 - 45:59
I gave them a hulltimatum and they said, I'm going to get out of here. Or just sort of choose to not make an audible noise in response to the things that you're saying.
46:00 - 46:15
So obviously, I don't know how much football material you have, but you know that this audience have no interest in. But the one thing you know that unites the people in this room is they do not like football because England are playing in a World Cup semifinal at that exact time.
46:15 - 46:22
And actually, it's quite good when you're in a football bubble. It's always quite good to remember that loads of people don't care about it and gives you some perspective.
46:22 - 46:35
And what surprised me is that I was expecting the audience to be sort of introverted people with, you know, lots of like T-shirts with owls on it and such. You know what I mean? Like quiet, bookish, librarian people with limited edition Doc Martens.
46:37 - 46:38
An owl-timatum.
46:38 - 46:39
Yeah. This is good stuff.
46:39 - 46:49
If that happens when owls break up, they give each other an owl-timatum. If two owls, if one of them like doesn't propose for six years, does he get an owl-timatum?
46:49 - 46:57
I'm stuck on being twit-wooed by another owl. And I don't know if it's good enough to say out loud, but that's all I have.
46:58 - 47:02
Yeah, he twit-twoed me and then I had to give him an owl-timatum.
47:02 - 47:02
Yeah, okay.
47:02 - 47:12
What you're saying is, just while you both remain silent and furiously try to think of more terrible owl puns, you thought it would be...
47:12 - 47:15
I'm all tawny. I'm torn.
47:17 - 47:24
That's excellent. You know what I love is verbs and adjectives that are very specifically to do with certain animals. Scurry is one. Squirrel is a verb.
47:24 - 47:29
I know every breed of owl, so we could be here a long time, unless David moves it on quickly.
47:30 - 47:42
To the listeners, if anyone can think of more owl puns we should have used in this section, please send them in and we'll discuss them on the next Breakdown podcast.
47:42 - 47:48
Bella, you were expecting bookish, impish nerds to be at this gig and instead...
47:48 - 47:50
The spectacled goths, maybe.
47:51 - 47:55
Yes. And instead, it was quite a leery gig.
47:55 - 47:58
Young, stylish couples.
47:58 - 48:02
People were drunk. People were drunk.
48:02 - 48:16
Which surprised me as well. And I had a great time. I had a really good time. I'm trying to work out some new little bits at the moment, so I'm trying to get on stage as much as I can, just because that's the only place I can figure them out.
48:16 - 48:27
So I figured out some stuff, I think. Talked to them a bit. And then I came off stage and I saw the first Argentina goal go in.
48:28 - 48:43
I thought it's 20 minutes until the end, approximately, and I can be home in 20 minutes. And if I'm home in 20 minutes, then I am missing the sort of surge of men coming out of the pubs in whatever mood they might be in.
48:43 - 48:45
It's a good thing to avoid.
48:46 - 48:55
Wow. Okay. Yes. This is very much the opposite podcast to Max's tearful football podcast that he did about this same occasion last night.
48:56 - 49:02
How do we get home in the London-iest way possible? Do you just hold an umbrella like...
49:02 - 49:04
Mary Poppins?
49:04 - 49:04
Mary Poppins!
49:04 - 49:08
Yeah. Mary Poppins. I Mary-popped myself on the tube.
49:08 - 49:11
We're on the Piccadilly line, David.
49:11 - 49:23
We're on the Piccadilly line. We're on the Piccadilly line. Yeah. And then I am walking home, and I think I considered getting a miniature bottle of wine on the way home, but I'm trying not to do that.
49:23 - 49:30
I've been in a habit of doing that recently, and you can't just have a miniature bottle of wine every day on your own.
49:30 - 49:34
You can. It's fine. The Frenchies all live to be 300 years old or something.
49:35 - 49:37
And that's because they're hammered all the time, famously.
49:37 - 49:46
But I sometimes think, I just want a glass of wine, but if I buy a bottle, because Jaime doesn't really drink, I'll then drink half a bottle of wine, and that is on a Thursday.
49:46 - 49:51
And my house is unnecessary. So a little one's quite good. It just takes the edge off the day, doesn't it?
49:51 - 49:55
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It just helps you sort of forget about your memories slightly.
49:55 - 49:58
It creeps towards alcoholism. It takes the edge off, yeah.
49:58 - 50:04
It just makes you forget what mood you're in. It just, it gives you a looser grip on your thoughts.
50:04 - 50:07
And that is always a positive thing for me.
50:07 - 50:08
How great is alcohol?
50:08 - 50:14
There are people with qualifications in addiction listening to this now, and they're like, this is exactly the problem, this.
50:15 - 50:17
So what do you do, Bella? Do you get one or you don't get one?
50:17 - 50:27
I don't get one, but I think about it, and then I go home, and then it's very warm, so I'm sort of, I'm getting ready for bed, and...
50:27 - 50:29
Famously, you have a huge balcony.
50:29 - 50:32
We do have a huge balcony, yes.
50:32 - 50:39
You can leave the doors open on that, although you're worried about the pigeons coming in, the Abyssinian pigeons.
50:39 - 50:47
It's not the pigeons, it's more that the way in which mosquitoes treat my body like it's McDonald's.
50:47 - 50:49
Oh, mosquitoes of London.
50:49 - 51:04
When they see my body, they don't see one woman, they see five guys, and they go feasting on my flesh, and actually currently, I'm dousing myself in insect repellent all day long at the moment, which is weird because everyone else in my flat hasn't been
51:04 - 51:08
bitten once, and I've got, I would say, 10 active bites on my body right now.
51:09 - 51:14
Yeah, I'm a magnet too. My family are all fine, and I'm like totally just torn to shreds.
51:14 - 51:24
Although the number one way to repel mosquitoes is famously to get Dan Tiernan, because if they go near him, they collapse to like vinegar in jars.
51:24 - 51:29
He's the sacrificial cake from the picnic, you know, that you donate to the wasps.
51:32 - 51:37
So you hear the result that England have lost.
51:37 - 51:46
Can you act out for us now, using sound, how that makes you feel? Okay.
51:46 - 51:51
It's a sort of a what's coming, you know?
51:51 - 51:54
And it's the new undertone in the air.
51:54 - 51:56
Do you message your boyfriend?
51:56 - 52:04
I think actually he sent me a voice note before I had a chance to say sorry to him, which made me feel bad.
52:04 - 52:09
Because I should have just said it immediately. But he sent me a voice note saying, I'm going home now, I feel very sad and depressed.
52:10 - 52:20
And then I say, I'm very, very sorry, you know, blah, blah, blah. I don't really know what to say, but I just, I'm just generally giving, caring, empathetic.
52:20 - 52:23
Just say, it's only a game. Stop. Just get over it.
52:23 - 52:37
Oh, for God's sake. It doesn't matter. No. I try and take football extremely seriously. Because if he were to start taking my job not seriously, it would be a big problem. So it's good to have a mutual deep respect.
52:37 - 52:47
But I think we should probably all be honest with ourselves that we should neither take football or comedy seriously. I think that is probably the reality of things.
52:47 - 53:02
But the problem even there is when Bella said that he'd sent her a voice message, all I imagined was him going, honors were even at halftime here in Atlanta until Anthony Gordon stepped up after 20 minutes of the second half.
53:02 - 53:14
England looked odds on until they fell back into a defensive shit. You know what I mean? He just talks like that the whole time. So are you, because it's not that late and you got up at half seven.
53:15 - 53:18
You can't go to bed at half 10 though, Bella. That's too early.
53:18 - 53:23
Oh, what do you mean you can't go to bed at half 10? You can go to bed at half 10.
53:23 - 53:32
Bella's one of the coolest people in London. She can't go to bed at half 10. She probably goes back out again and goes, I don't know, for a hike with Florence and the Machine or something.
53:33 - 53:36
Raving at fabric. Does that still exist? She goes to fabric. Raving.
53:36 - 53:46
I'm doing the dog days are over clap in a nightclub somewhere on the hills. What do I do at 1030? I think I'm just sort of texting various people in bed from that point onwards.
53:46 - 53:52
I'm getting ready for bed. I'm dousing myself in mosquito spray. At about midnight, Dan Tiernan arrives back home.
53:53 - 54:00
He does this thing that I deeply love when he gets home and immediately gets into bed with me.
54:01 - 54:12
But the issue I sometimes have with it is that he is in clothing that has been exposed to seats on the tube, exposed to the pub, exposed.
54:12 - 54:24
He's wearing outside clothes and I have fresh bed sheets and I never bring it up, but he always gets into my bed with outside clothes on. But it's worth it to experience the love.
54:24 - 54:24
Yeah, sure.
54:24 - 54:25
And the closeness.
54:25 - 54:33
Maybe you've just had a hazmat suit or something on the back of the door and you could just be popped that on there, Dan.
54:33 - 54:37
If you wore the hazmat suit, then the mosquitoes couldn't get you.
54:37 - 54:38
Oh, that's true.
54:38 - 54:39
God, that'd be great.
54:39 - 54:44
How often does Dan Tiernan, is it whenever he gets home, he gets into your bed? Is that what happens?
54:44 - 54:49
Yes. I would say he gets into my bed for either a little chat or a long, my bedroom is really near the front door.
54:50 - 55:02
So my bedroom is on the way to his bedroom. So often he comes in, we say hello and he just pops himself in for a little chat and we put the world to right slightly. And often I
55:02 - 55:13
have a big whiteboard, I don't know if you can say, often we start riffing and then we'll write things on the whiteboard that then won't make sense in 12 hours. But I would say we were chatting until 2am last night.
55:13 - 55:17
I do not want to live with Dan Tiernan. I'm going to say, I'm in bed.
55:17 - 55:21
It's not going to happen. You don't have to worry about it.
55:21 - 55:23
But I just really want to state for the tape.
55:23 - 55:26
Do you feel at risk? You feel suddenly at risk.
55:26 - 55:27
I think you're always at risk.
55:27 - 55:31
You're going to hone the hypochondriac, but for living with Dan Tiernan.
55:31 - 55:41
Yeah, I'm just saying if it ever transpires that he moves to Melbourne's inner north and he thinks it's appropriate to come into the house that we now live in together, get into
55:41 - 55:50
bed with me and my wife and talk to us until two in the morning, he can fuck off. I am not, that is not appropriate behavior.
55:50 - 55:51
You're not having it.
55:52 - 55:57
I'm asleep, Dan. Don't do this. I don't want to riff between midnight and two.
55:57 - 56:10
I would imagine knowing Dan, it would be a struggle for him to come into an apartment or even a giant Georgian mansion and not for you to be aware that he was coming in even before he's got into bed with you.
56:10 - 56:25
Even the way he puts his key in the door is specific. It's like, yeah, like often I'm in the living room doing work and I hear him showering and I know that it's him showering because I can hear just occasionally through the streams of water.
56:27 - 56:41
But this is a sad thought, which is a lot of my reels are saccharine parenting reels and they're really annoying. But the one that sometimes when I'm emotionally weak and I'm like, I'll just, you know, yeah, of course it's a journey.
56:42 - 56:56
Look, we're all blah, blah, blah. But the one when they go, you know, there is a moment where you will pick up your child for the last time. Right. Because, you know, my parents don't pick me up now. Now I'm 47, but there will be a day when it's the last time that Dan gets into bed.
56:56 - 56:59
Maybe you should really embrace that.
56:59 - 57:05
I definitely love it because often, I mean, as I've mentioned before, I'm pent up a lot of the time.
57:05 - 57:14
I've got a lot of things that I'm feeling. And when Dan comes in, there's something about his dyspraxia and his presence that just gets rid of my anxiety.
57:15 - 57:18
It's like the green mile. He sort of takes the feelings in.
57:18 - 57:32
He sort of blasts it away and sort of makes me laugh. And then if he's been in my bed for 10 minutes and then leaves, I actually find I can get to sleep a bit more peacefully because I'll just immediately tell him all of the hellish things that I'm thinking. And he'll just go, oh, that's what?
57:32 - 57:41
And I'll just laugh. And then it rationalizes all of them. And then I could go to sleep. So he's like my late night therapist.
57:41 - 57:55
I do wonder whether Dan could go pro with this. You know what I mean? In that sort of like a Deliveroo type service where he just smashes through your front door, leaving a perfect outline shape of him.
57:56 - 58:02
And it's just like, right, what have we got? What's happened? What's on your mind? You know what I mean? And he just does it.
58:02 - 58:06
Yeah. And then there's just a Dan Tiernan-shaped hole in the wall when he leaves.
58:06 - 58:09
It has to be invite only. You do have to order it, I think.
58:09 - 58:11
You can't be ambushed by it.
58:11 - 58:23
No. So do you think that are actually, you know, however life, you know, progressing in 10, 20 years, you and your boyfriend together, you've got a lovely family, all this thing. You're in, you've moved out of London.
58:23 - 58:24
You're in Hampshire.
58:24 - 58:32
You're in Hampshire. And yet still Dan can come in at one in the morning and get in your bed. It doesn't matter. That is, it's always open.
58:32 - 58:47
Yeah. I think I would like that to be the case. I would like for my bedroom door to always be open for Dan to come in and just sort of just sometimes he just comes in, he's just singing or he has a song he wants to sing to me or often he sort of has a rap that he's
58:47 - 58:51
made up on the way home and he wants to share a rap with me.
58:51 - 59:01
Sorry, I would like to withdraw my earlier idea because the downside of if you could order Dan like Uber Eats, then people could prank order him to Max.
59:03 - 59:10
Do you know what I mean? So Max is finished shitting on about football and is finally gets into bed at 4.20 a.m.
59:10 - 59:16
And somebody has got a customised rap for you about the way that your trainers were near the door.
59:20 - 59:25
So we get to sleep at about 2 a.m. Do you put on a little podcast or anything?
59:26 - 59:27
Yes, I put on a little audio book.
59:27 - 59:29
Oh yeah. What have we got?
59:29 - 59:33
I'm listening to Careless People. Who's it by? About Facebook?
59:33 - 59:36
It's George Michael, isn't it? It's George Michael's follow-up.
59:36 - 59:43
It's a woman who was working for Facebook and they tried to not get this book published. She's an Aussie.
59:43 - 59:45
It's by Sarah Wynne Williams.
59:45 - 59:47
It's very interesting.
59:47 - 59:58
But I keep on falling asleep for large chunks of it and then not really knowing where I am, but I'm still listening to it. But I think I'm not as intimate with the story as I have been in other audio books.
59:58 - 1:00:07
I'll give you the gist of it, Bella. Bella, Facebook don't have the best intentions always. I'd say that's probably it.
1:00:07 - 1:00:19
She'd also be an example of a bad guest for us to get for this because she'd want to talk about the years she worked at Facebook, but we would just be asking her how many dumps she did yesterday.
1:00:20 - 1:00:28
I thought when Facebook got rid of the, you know, poke feature, that really sort of cleaned everything up. And after that, it's been sort of perfectly fine.
1:00:28 - 1:00:31
Yeah. The pokes really were the solution.
1:00:32 - 1:00:45
Do you know an interesting thing? As soon as Facebook got rid of pokes, do you know what came into the world then? Pokey bowls. Yeah. So I think the poke has stayed with us, but it's just changed.
1:00:45 - 1:00:48
Someone added crockery underneath it.
1:00:48 - 1:00:52
The poke on Facebook only came in when pokers from fireplaces went out.
1:00:52 - 1:00:54
Fireplaces went out. Yeah.
1:00:54 - 1:00:57
So there's only one, only one poke allowed.
1:00:57 - 1:01:04
It's rare that you can say a riff has been truly driven off a cliff, but I think.
1:01:04 - 1:01:10
Wow. How dare you? You suppressing my riffs once again, David.
1:01:10 - 1:01:11
What is poke about a poke bowl?
1:01:12 - 1:01:15
Oh, that's good. That's, we could go in that direction.
1:01:15 - 1:01:20
We could try that. We could try and resuscitate this joke corpse.
1:01:20 - 1:01:30
The dealer. I'm trying to bring it to a poker joke about the game. I ordered so many poke bowls. I got a Royal Flush. See, that's terrible.
1:01:30 - 1:01:33
Well, I'm thinking about poke. It's poke not to be a poke.
1:01:33 - 1:01:35
Yeah. Maybe something like that.
1:01:35 - 1:01:48
Did I tell you this, that somebody Jaime knows, and this was on Facebook, so it is linked, had like a triple heart bipolar, like some serious, some quite young person had got a serious operation. And they took a photo from hospital saying,
1:01:48 - 1:01:55
you know, you know, like I've been through this, but I'm recovering. And then one of their relatives
1:01:55 - 1:02:06
had written, it's okay not to be okay. It's not for a cardiac arrest, Aunt Mavis.
1:02:07 - 1:02:17
That is unbelievable. It's okay not to be okay. That's like being like, if you can't accept me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best.
1:02:17 - 1:02:24
But it's like attributed to Hitler, you know? These phrases, you have to be aware of the context.
1:02:25 - 1:02:35
So we've listened to our depressing book about how social media is destroying the world. What time would you say you nod off at then?
1:02:35 - 1:02:36
2 a.m. 2.15 a.m.
1:02:36 - 1:02:38
It was a day of high accomplishment.
1:02:39 - 1:02:40
I got stuff done.
1:02:40 - 1:02:53
For me, my favorite part of the day, I liked the just sitting in the park bit while the rest of London was, you know, bouncing. You just had a little moment and sat outside of it. I thought that was pretty good.
1:02:53 - 1:02:55
And that was my favorite part of the day, actually.
1:02:56 - 1:03:03
Just walking around, listening to my music. And I, and sort of nobody really knew where I was. And I liked that feeling, actually.
1:03:04 - 1:03:09
That's cool. Yeah. Well, Bella Hull, thank you very much for telling us what you did yesterday.
1:03:10 - 1:03:17
Thank you very much for having me, everybody.
1:03:17 - 1:03:31
Bella Hull there. And I will double down, David. I really enjoyed the Dan Tiernan episode. I've interviewed him once on the radio and I did a podcast with him.
1:03:31 - 1:03:35
I do not want him to get into my bed when I'm asleep.
1:03:35 - 1:03:47
There's something funny about, because me and Dan competed for the biggest head in comedy of him smashing through your wall or through your door and just the unmistakable outline
1:03:47 - 1:03:53
that the cops would just look at it and be like, I'm pretty sure that's Dan Tiernan there.
1:03:53 - 1:04:03
I really enjoyed that day. I liked how our journalistic rigor really tried to work out what radio show she's working on.
1:04:03 - 1:04:05
Yeah. Yeah. We did that well.
1:04:05 - 1:04:06
We did that pretty well.
1:04:06 - 1:04:18
I do think that is so interesting. You know, when the World Cup semifinal is obviously such a central part of my existence and so many people's existence. We are recording like the game finished yesterday. And so I'm over it because it's just a game.
1:04:18 - 1:04:29
But like, you know, because it's just the only game in town, like all football is just staring at this one thing. And then someone's just went, actually, I looked at the queue and went, I'll just go sit in a park.
1:04:30 - 1:04:42
And you're like, I really think that in anything that you do, like, you know, I used to think like in Soccer AM, I was like, God, this show is everything. And it's so massive. And it had an audience of three quarters of a million, which did mean that
1:04:42 - 1:04:53
like 65 and a half million people every week didn't tune into this thing. You know, like even when they go 17 million people watched England in the semifinal, that means he wants the population of the UK, like 70 million now.
1:04:53 - 1:04:58
I don't know, 65 million. There's like tens of millions more people who don't give a shit.
1:04:59 - 1:05:00
They just want to sit in a park.
1:05:00 - 1:05:06
Not only do they not give a shit, but Bala is also calculating that there's 20 minutes of the match left.
1:05:06 - 1:05:18
I can be home before the spillage of emotion comes out of the pubs. It's a good balance, especially to those people who've been because they love what you do yesterday so much.
1:05:19 - 1:05:23
Now listen to you go on about football for an hour a day for the last month.
1:05:23 - 1:05:29
By the time you hear this, that will have ended. But I might even be we might be on a little holiday. So that's exciting.
1:05:29 - 1:05:34
And you will not be complaining about being tired. That's the other thing. I'm keep bringing that six weeks.
1:05:34 - 1:05:47
I can't say it for six weeks. Oh my God, that'll be the only thing I want to say. Like the bone tiredness, 30 hours of transit straight into, and obviously miss the boys so much and Jaime.
1:05:47 - 1:06:01
But like within half an hour, I'll be like, oh God, I need to be back on Sunset Boulevard next to Christine Quinn from Selling Sunset. Anyway, watching Uzbekistan, Colombia. Anyway, if you'd like to get in touch with this podcast, and we really love to hear from you on all subjects.
1:06:02 - 1:06:11
Here is how. To get in touch with the show, you can email us at whatdidyoudoyesterdaypod at gmail.com. Follow us on Instagram at yesterdaypod.
1:06:11 - 1:06:24
And please subscribe and leave a review if you liked it on your preferred podcast platform. And if you didn't, please don't. Thank you, David. Do you know what?
1:06:24 - 1:06:25
What, Max?
1:06:25 - 1:06:28
I've been in this for my whole life, and so are you.
1:06:28 - 1:06:42
I hope we got a few owl puns sent in there as well. We've once again forgotten to plug the new membership tier of In It For Life. So I couldn't just cut in and be like, we have a new extra podcast a week for members. But...
1:06:42 - 1:06:49
So the point is this, is that obviously by the time this has happened before, there's only like seven of you listening now.
1:06:49 - 1:07:03
Because it's right at the end and people have moved on to whatever else. So if you are one of the seven, it's sort of your duty to sign up for the bonus episodes. Whatever podcast provider you use, there'll be a button and you just go, yeah, double click your Apple,
1:07:03 - 1:07:17
whatever, you know, it's easy. And then you get the extra, and the extra stuff is good. There's a really exciting competition between me and David at the end of the bonus episodes, which has started off. It's been a thrilling start in the race to a hundred.
1:07:17 - 1:07:31
I also suspect most of the people listening now, even of that seven, so at least four of them are just people who had it on and have fallen asleep now. Do you know the thing that will actually wake them up is when we stop talking?
1:07:31 - 1:07:34
Because then there will be the sound of silence. So...
1:07:34 - 1:07:37
Do you think if we shouted, wake up, if we just went, wake up!
1:07:37 - 1:07:46
Max, we'll both try it. Three, two, one. Wake up! In it for life. Let's do it again soon.
1:07:46 - 1:07:56
Thanks, Max.
1:07:56 - 1:08:05
Bye, David.