0:06 - 0:13
Podcasts, there are millions of them.
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Some might say too many.
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I have one already.
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I don't have any, because there are enough.
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Politics, business, sport, you name it, there's a podcast about it, and they all ask the big questions and cover the hot topics of the day.
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But nobody is covering the most important topic of all.
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Why is that? Are they scared?
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Too afraid of being censored by the man?
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Possibly, but not us. We're here to ask the only question that matters.
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We try and say it at the same time, Max. What did you do yesterday?
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What did you do yesterday? That's it. All we're interested in is what the guests got up to yesterday. Nothing more. Anything before yesterday, Max? Nope.
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The greatest and most interesting day of your life?
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Unless it was yesterday, we don't want to know about it. I'm Max Rushden.
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And I'm David O'Doherty.
1:05 - 1:17
Welcome to What Did You Do Yesterday? Hello and welcome to What Did You Do Yesterday? My name is Max Rushden. Alongside me today is the Irish comedian David O'Doherty. Welcome, David.
1:17 - 1:30
Not the only Irish comedian on today's great episode. We have just recorded it. I really enjoyed. This one, it's with Mike Rice. Do you know Mike before this, Max?
1:30 - 1:38
Mike Rice is one of my oldest friends on the circuit. When I was first started in comedy, I used to do it in rural Ireland, which is...
1:38 - 1:53
So Mike is from outside the beautiful city of Kilkenny. What I like is that he's transplanted that very close to nature vibe where life is this sort of battle with the elements.
1:53 - 2:03
And I think that's a key part of our episode today. You may know Mike Rice from Mike and Vittorio's Guide to Parenting, a very funny podcast.
2:03 - 2:17
You will know him if you go to Edinburgh this year because he's doing a work in progress. And for the rest of Britain and Ireland, he will be touring his show Cruel Little Man in the autumn.
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He's an absolute gem.
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It's a good episode, this one. It's up there.
2:22 - 2:37
Yeah, I think so. This is what Mike Rice did yesterday.
2:37 - 2:38
Mike Rice, welcome to What Did You Do Yesterday.
2:38 - 2:41
Thanks a million for having me, lads. Exciting.
2:41 - 2:54
Max, I really wanted Mike, but Mike is one of the busiest people in showbiz. And I've really prostrated. Is that the, like, I've asked him so many times and very politely, Mike.
2:54 - 2:56
Yeah. You've asked me a few times, yeah.
2:56 - 2:59
How do you like saying no, Mike? What's your sort of tactic?
2:59 - 3:08
I like saying I'm up the walls a lot. I'd be like, I'm up the bloody walls. I can't, I'm, I'd love to, but I can't. Like that kind of thing. You know what I mean?
3:08 - 3:14
Look, I accepted them all, but you know what I think the clincher was? And this just shows that sex sells.
3:14 - 3:23
I sent him quite a racy picture of me. Like it's a very tasteful picture, but you can see my arse from the side in it.
3:23 - 3:34
It is actually, it's quite tasteful because you're, well, you're squatting, but it seems not for, not to shit, but like in a kind of a, you're praying in a way, I believe.
3:34 - 3:43
And if you zoom in, as I'm sure you have, the ball bag doesn't, you won't get a glimpse of that underneath. Like it's really well done.
3:43 - 3:47
I combed the picture for your ball bag and I could not, it was just nowhere to be found.
3:47 - 3:58
I comb all photos for the ball bag. I thought maybe you sent a text to Mike saying, are you down the walls? And he, he just went, yeah. And then he went straight in with, we're doing it then. We're doing it.
3:58 - 4:08
I'm rarely down the walls and that doesn't even mean that I'm that busy. I'm just kind of, I think I'm, I create kind of a lot of panic that isn't real in my mind.
4:08 - 4:13
So I kind of often think I'm very busy, but if I'm to actually look at what I'm doing, I'm actually not doing anything.
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Which is what we'll discover now.
4:15 - 4:16
Yeah, it's a good preamble.
4:16 - 4:22
Sounds like an admission of doing nothing yesterday and I'm looking forward to it. Mike, what time did you wake up yesterday?
4:22 - 4:35
I woke up at six. Now, I've been in a slightly insomniac period at the minute whereby I wake very early.
4:35 - 4:43
So I probably woke also at like three and then I woke again at six. But then the six waking, I'm not getting back to sleep.
4:43 - 4:53
To listeners listening to this at some point in the future, it's the warmest day I think ever in January yesterday in London.
4:55 - 4:59
In June, sorry. The warmest day in January wouldn't be that.
4:59 - 5:01
It's 12 degrees.
5:01 - 5:02
It'd be absolutely fine.
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The warmest day ever in June. So does it sort of beat the heat by, like if you're a bit insomniac, I would imagine this is an awful period for you.
5:11 - 5:21
Coming into this heat spurt, my sleep had started going anyway. I just go through periods where my sleep is in the bin and I kind of lose my mind a little bit.
5:21 - 5:34
So I was already in that. And then this kind of soul-crushing heat took hold, which obviously doesn't help the situation. It's, yeah, one thing after another. And of course, this will lead to me being famously up the walls then for the whole day.
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Okay, so it's 6.01. We're in bed.
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Max, I'm excited for this. It's just only an Irish person could describe nice weather as soul-crushingly hot.
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Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
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I get that it's quite hot, but it's not like 44 degrees like you get in Australia.
5:54 - 6:06
It's oppressively hot. It really makes it hard to do anything or be alive. And I don't dislike it. Like if I had nothing to do, then I could lie out in the heat or something, but it's trying to function in this weather is tough.
6:06 - 6:20
But so anyway, 6.01, right. So I kind of squirm around anxiously in the bed there for about 20 minutes, kind of full of kind of negative thoughts and because you're just that first half hour,
6:20 - 6:32
you want to go back to sleep so badly and you know you can't so you have that resistance and the pains in the resistance. So you're just like, like, what would I be doing getting up now? I have nothing.
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There's nothing for me, you know, to be out of my bed right now.
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I'm squirming around for half an hour and then I decide to put on a a little hypnosis tape from my hypnotist, Tohi. So he's made
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me his own tape. It's his voice. So it's like it's a friend. So I put that on
6:54 - 6:55
Interruption.
6:56 - 7:02
Has he made this for other people? Is it like a generic or is it a Mike Rice specific hypnotist tape?
7:02 - 7:15
He doesn't mention me by name in the tape, which actually now makes me think he has given it to other people. But he has led me to believe that this is just for me, that he has no interest in helping anyone else sleep.
7:15 - 7:30
I listened to that and he kind of brings me through like I'm, you know, all the feelings from my head to my toes and then I'm walking down into some beautiful garden and next thing I'm by a lake and there's birds and da da da.
7:30 - 7:39
So I'm listening to that. Now, it's not helping me get back to sleep, but I'm just kind of, it's something to be doing, you know, to listen to my friend Tohi.
7:39 - 7:50
Mike, is there a sort of Enya-esque soundtrack in the background or is it just Tohi? Because you would need, I don't think I'd be good at this because I think I'm good at imparting information.
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I'd be like, you're in a garden, in front of you is a path, you're walking down the path. It's very nice. But none of this is relaxing. Does Tohi have music and does he have a relaxing vibe?
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He does have a relaxing vibe for sure. And I know Tohi, as I said, I spend a lot of time in his shed. And so we sit barefoot in his shed in East London and tell each other secrets.
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But his voice is kind of calming to me. There is no music. And as you've said that right there, it's the first time I've thought of it. I was like, yeah, he could do it with a little music.
8:25 - 8:29
He needs some plonky-plonky do-do-do-do-do-do-do that kind of.
8:29 - 8:34
Yeah, and now it kind of seems it's a bit of a shoddy tape, actually, now that I think of it.
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Mass-produced, no production.
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He's stealing a living. He's stealing a living.
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Who would be the least relaxing?
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No, voice. The least relaxing.
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Reverend Ian Paisley. You will now drift away. You will now shut your eyes and you will drift into a liminal space.
8:55 - 9:07
Well, Master of Puppets plays really loud in the background. Great. So this elevates you.
9:07 - 9:15
This transcends this warm January morning in London. I'm going to keep calling it January.
9:15 - 9:28
Does it achieve anything, the tape at this time? And also, I love that we're calling it a tape because I'm imagining there you've got a huge reel-to-reel like Sir George Martin and the Beatles beside you. And it's like...
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He gives out cassettes and you're like, I haven't got a tape. And then he also sells cassette players for a million, for thousands of pounds. So you have to...
9:37 - 9:49
He has me in financial ruin, I'll be honest. He's rinsed me for all I'm worth. So after that, no, it kind of just calms me a bit. I'm in a bad mood, though. I am grumpy and I'm annoyed of the injustice that I haven't gotten off sleep again.
9:49 - 10:01
So I'm annoyed at that. But the tape kind of, it just passes a bit of time for me. Then, I decide on top of that, this is like kind of spirituality squared. I decide I'll meditate now.
10:01 - 10:02
For another 20 minutes.
10:02 - 10:13
Oh, good. OK. Sorry, interruption. Is that not a meditation tape? Is what you were doing listening to that? Like, I don't quite know where relaxation ends and meditation starts.
10:13 - 10:20
David, I couldn't be more happy that you asked because they're actually two quite different things.
10:20 - 10:28
When you're listening to kind of like a guided storytelling thing, it's taking up your space.
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You're kind of being entertained, as it were, in some way, shape or form. Whereas meditation, you're focusing on your breath in with the goal of getting yourself to a place of no thought and
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detach yourself from your horrible, nasty mind that is conspiring to sabotage your life.
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Question, Mike. In my mind, as someone who doesn't meditate, in my picture, you have to be sitting cross-legged on the floor with your hands out like this.
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Like the emoji. Max is like, his perception of things is based mostly on emojis.
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I live through emojis. So, yes, I only cook aubergines and this is how I sit for meditating.
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Well, Max, let me tell you, it doesn't surprise me that you don't meditate. There's a lack of presence there.
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I already knew this, but over the last two years of doing this podcast or whatever, it has emerged that I'm a very simple type.
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Yeah, yeah.
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Like, in a way, Mike, I think he may have like transcended life. As in, I honestly don't think he has any thoughts a lot of the time. Like, if he sees an apple, he might be like, I'd quite like that. But yeah, it's a premise.
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Me, mouth, Max, apple, together.
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That's the type in my head.
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You know what? Actually, you're better off because I wouldn't meditate if I didn't have to meditate. Like, it's just, you know what I mean?
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It's needs must. I don't think anyone does it that, doesn't have to do it because it's like one of those things where you're like, my mind is like a bag of spiders and I somehow have to put some manners on my mind in some way.
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And that's what meditation is. It's putting manners on your mind and being like, I am the captain. You do not run the ship.
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And then my father, who's like you, Max, in a way, you know what I mean? There wouldn't be much God in him. He says, it's his catchphrase is never think about anything. He really,
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that's a great way to live.
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That's like the Dalai Lama or something.
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Yeah. And I can't tell you how difficult an individual he is, but he declares you just, that's the problem.
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You say, have you got the shopping? And he goes, oh, I didn't think about that.
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He can take away with anything.
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That would have never crossed my mind. Nothing crosses my mind, actually.
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My mind is an empty highway. So anyway, I do the meditation then. And then by this stage, between wriggling around in stress and then doing my, listening to Tohi and then the meditation,
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this kind of between the jigs and the reels gets me up to about a 20 past eight, around that.
13:03 - 13:12
So I did have a, although it was a stupidly phrased question, when you meditate, are you just sitting there? Are you standing there? Are you closing your eyes? What's the process?
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I'm sitting up in the bed, kind of bolt upright, but I will, I will actually cross my legs sometimes if I feel like following the old beaten track,
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but then a lot of times I'll just let my legs just pan out straight ahead of me.
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You know what I mean? It doesn't really matter, Max, how you do it. It's just whether or not you can kind of get yourself into a place where you can concentrate on your breath and whatever most comfortable for you.
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I feel it's a very Max thing to have got hung up on the way your legs are as opposed to...
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It wasn't just the way your legs are. It's the whole process. I want to know.
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You're a visual creature. You're a visual creature.
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Eat apple, eat apple.
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That's right. You're cognitively aroused by imagining things as they happen. So you were there just, but how does Mike sit? How he sits?
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I sound like a henchman.
14:06 - 14:12
Yes, yes, you do. I don't think it's an accurate impression, but I think it's capturing a vibe. You know what I mean?
14:12 - 14:16
I understand it is. Okay, so it's 8.20. What are we doing at 8.20, Mike?
14:16 - 14:30
So then I get up anyway and I decide I'll do some stretches. Now, I have historically had a bad back and hips ever since. Since I was a teenager. So I do stretches every single day where I stretch my hamstrings.
14:30 - 14:41
I do my quads and then I do some yoga-ish kind of thing where I don't even know the name of it, but I sweep my leg under me and I go flat out like that and it stretches my like glutes.
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It's the pigeon.
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I think it could be the pigeon, Max. I think it is the pigeon.
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Mike, how did you wreck your back? Was there a specific incident? Was there a car crash or maybe as a hurler, did you take a bang out of a hurry
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No, no. Although I do have an extremely deformed finger from hurling from when I was 12. A fella called Seamus Hayes put in a very dirty stroke on me in an under-12s game and shattered...
15:07 - 15:11
He's not that kind of player. He's not that kind of player, Hayes.
15:11 - 15:23
It was very out of character, Max. He was actually a flair player and someone who really focused on the fundamentals of the game. But that day, whatever had happened, there was a streak of violence that was inexplicable.
15:23 - 15:29
So, yeah, he shattered my finger on the joint and then below, so I still can't fully bend my right index finger.
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Hang on, Mike. To the listeners, so hurling is Ireland's national game. It is a very beautiful field sport that is a bit like field hockey, except you can use the stick in a more violent way.
15:44 - 15:55
You can raise it and wave it around. And consequently, hurlers tend to have hands that are kind of like bundles of sticks you might find in a forest in the winter. Is that fair to say?
15:55 - 16:05
That's absolutely fair to say. I would say that if you were to see the hands of hurlers, it would maybe be quite frightful to you if you didn't know the game.
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I think you would think there may be some kind of mutant men. And you certainly wouldn't think, oh, I'd like to reproduce with this person. And you'd probably think it might be a result of inbreeding in Ireland or something.
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Like you might think, oh, they need to stop having sex with each other. I think. So that's something you might think. But yeah, it's a mixture of field hockey and murder, I would say.
16:28 - 16:31
But how did you wreck your back?
16:31 - 16:39
I have flat feet. My feet are flat as pancakes. And I was massive into sport when I was younger. So I was always playing, always playing.
16:39 - 16:52
And this kind of like, because you've no arch, you don't, you can't take any of the vibrations off it. So everything is just bang, bang, bang. That created tension up into my back and hips and made them quite tight.
16:52 - 17:00
And then on top of that, I have, some spinal abnormality that I got an MRI when I was younger or not an MRI or what, an x-ray.
17:00 - 17:15
But the doctor told my mother, look, he's not going to be able to play like sport competitively like into his 20s because he's got something with my back. Because I was always so stiff. And so even as really young, I'd be broke up after playing.
17:15 - 17:26
Like I'd be, you know. But then my mother didn't tell me that because I was 14 and I was big into sports. So she didn't want to like ruin those years of playing for me with that hanging over me.
17:26 - 17:37
So she just let me find out the hard way. And then I didn't play sports. I'd probably stop playing when I was like 22. Like serious football and hurling. But anyway, so I stretch every single day.
17:37 - 17:47
I stretch every day. And if I don't stretch, I'll notice I haven't stretched just to kind of keep everything aligned. So I did my little stretches, my pigeon, as you said, Max, quite a
17:47 - 17:47
lot of the pigeons.
17:47 - 18:01
And then I went for a run and I was like, in my head, I'm going to run the tiredness out of myself. Like I'm just going to run and I'm going to like go hard. You know what I mean? Like I'm going to like...
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It's very hot, Mike. It's a hot day, Mike.
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Yeah, it is a hot day. I don't care. I'm here to win. You know what I mean?
18:08 - 18:16
Shirtlessly sprinting up the tube tracks, using the tube to pace me. He's doing laps of the central line.
18:16 - 18:22
Yeah, just sprinting top speed towards an oncoming train. Yeah. So...
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How far did you run?
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5K. I run from Holloway Road to Camden and back, which ends up being like 5K. And I pegged it.
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Can we ask you a time?
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I think I did it in like 22 and a half or 20...
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Ah, that's really good.
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22 and a half, 23 minutes.
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What's your PB, Mike?
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I think my PB is like 22 and a half. Like, that's the best. So I like equaled. I was up there.
18:47 - 18:48
That's good. That's fast.
18:48 - 18:55
Imagine if you didn't have feet like horses' hooves. Like, imagine how much quicker you could go if they weren't just, like, two irons.
18:55 - 19:04
No, exponentially faster. It's actually scary. It's actually quite frightening to me to think of what my potential could have been. I would have been X-Men level, I think. You know what I mean? Like, where...
19:05 - 19:18
During COVID, I managed to get, I think, down to about 22. But it does include running around the Barbican where the GPS is bad and I set the world record for the women's 400 meters for one of my kilometers was like,
19:18 - 19:26
third kilometer in two minutes, 58. And I was like, that is really good stuff. So it's been questioned by WADA.
19:26 - 19:39
That's what's happened. They've got my B sample and it's in progress. I have a question about, because when I run a 5K, as soon as the Strava man says five kilometers, I don't know if you have him in your ears, wherever I am, I stop.
19:39 - 19:45
I can't do 5.01. As soon as he said five, I am basically lying down wherever I am. Can you go further?
19:45 - 19:58
So I've actually don't use Strava or one of these things. I've never actually liked timing myself for doing it. I used to just tip away, but now I've got, a personal trainer who's just my friend, Dara from Kilkenny, where I grew up.
19:58 - 20:07
And so he's demanding I give him times and stuff. So he's quite tyrannical in that way. Quite nosy in that way, I suppose.
20:07 - 20:11
They are nosy personal trainers, aren't they? Leave me alone.
20:11 - 20:18
They are unbelievably nosy. How about mind your own business, you c**t? How aren't they paying you? Shut up. Don't be asking me questions.
20:18 - 20:27
Mike's so old school, Max, that he has five kilometers of string and he just, he just ties it around his waist. Like, who got the Minotaur?
20:27 - 20:33
The Minotaur, Theseus. So he only needs two and a half kilometers, doesn't he? Because then it'll, when it gets taut, he knows when to turn around.
20:33 - 20:40
Oh, you just need two and a half kilometers of it. That's true. Because if you had five kilometers, you would then have to walk the full 5k back.
20:40 - 20:42
You've got to use your head, Dave.
20:42 - 20:46
But he does need everyone to stay still on the Holloway Road.
20:46 - 20:49
Just for the 20 minutes. Yeah. Yeah.
20:49 - 20:54
And you know what? They're very good at complying to that. They're really actually team orientated people
20:54 - 20:56
You must be sweating.
20:56 - 21:02
Yeah. I'm like, have terror, like I'm a horribly sweaty person at the best of times.
21:02 - 21:11
Like it's quite obscene how much I sweat. And then when I'm actually putting a genuinely sweaty situation, then I mean, it's, it becomes quite.
21:11 - 21:13
Sort of biblical. It's rivers.
21:13 - 21:26
It's biblical and it's worrying. Like people are kind of like, whoa, you know what I mean? Like it kind of, it's really off point. It's an eyesore on the road. Like people are like, good Lord, that's surely something you do. In the privacy of your own home, you know?
21:26 - 21:33
Mike, is it like, do you know the guy, I think he's in the fantastic four and he travels on a sort of sheet of ice wherever he goes.
21:33 - 21:37
You are like that, but the ice never freezes. So it's just a
21:37 - 21:39
sweat man. He's a sweat man.
21:39 - 21:40
A gush of water.
21:40 - 21:44
I suppose it could work as a superpowers and it kind of lubes up the ground.
21:44 - 21:47
And your nemesis is Prince Andrew, right?
21:47 - 21:48
Because he doesn't sweat.
21:48 - 21:55
So it's you versus that's the Marvel. You're a sweat man taking on Prince Andrew. You're swooshing. You're swooshing with your sweat to get him.
21:55 - 22:00
I know who I'm up for. Whoever you're up for. And that really reveals a lot about you, to be honest.
22:00 - 22:07
Sweaty Mike or sweatless Andrew. Yeah, it really does. No, but you've hit the nail on the head there. He is my nemesis. I've thought that for a while, actually.
22:07 - 22:10
What's the outfit you choose for this run?
22:10 - 22:20
I'll be honest. I put on yesterday. I have, so I have this United Jersey on now, but I have another United Jersey that my agent bought for me as a present.
22:20 - 22:30
My agent, Jack, who's a lovely man. I view him as like my Jerry Maguire and I'm Rod Tidwell. If you know that reference. And if you don't know that reference, I don't care to explain it to you.
22:30 - 22:43
To be honest, he got me this Jersey, but on the back, then he got Mike is King with the numbers 69. Yeah. So I can't wear it many places. It's a lovely, beautiful new United Jersey.
22:43 - 22:51
So I like to be moving if I'm wearing it. So I'll wear it for a run. So like that, I'm not quite stationary. So no one gets a chance to really take it in.
22:51 - 22:52
It would ruin a funeral.
22:52 - 22:59
It would ruin. But also it's very like something like Stifler would have worn an American pie. Do you want to be Mike?
22:59 - 23:10
You could wear it at airports. You could wear it. And people would think you are on a stag do if you just, every time you went to an airport, you wore it. People would think, where's the rest of the stag bloody King Mike is.
23:10 - 23:21
Yeah. Yeah. A hundred percent. And people that have kind of seen it on me are like, why would you do that? And I'm like, oh, it was my agent. No one believes me though. They all think I'm the king of 69.
23:21 - 23:26
And I don't know what it's trying to say, but you know, no, it's an empire of dust to be the king of that, but
23:26 - 23:39
you could try and tell them that. Cause I'd imagine it's probably a retro Manchester United Jersey that towards the very end of the Alex Ferguson reign, when he was kind of panicking, he bought a guy called Andre,
23:39 - 23:48
my kiss King. Yeah. It was from Estonia and the squad numbers went right up to 69. And it's just a coincidence that that's what you're wearing.
23:48 - 23:52
I think that's a lovely bit of lore, David, that maybe I will use in the future.
23:52 - 24:04
So thank you. This is the problem though. So then I go, I have this coffee shop down the road from me that I genuinely believe is the greatest coffee shop to have ever been built or be in business called Rua.
24:04 - 24:16
It's right beside Holloway road station. It's run by this lovely Irish lady named Rachel. It's absolutely beautiful. Very spacious, very hip, very now everyone that works there is hot.
24:16 - 24:19
It's like, it's a dream. It's really a dream.
24:19 - 24:22
Are you not too sweaty to go into it though? After the run?
24:22 - 24:36
The thing is, David, I am too sweaty to go into it, but I have forgotten that. And I've also forgotten that I'm wearing my Mike is King 69 Jersey. And it ends up being quite an embarrassing encounter.
24:36 - 24:45
Rachel, who works there upsells me the slushy, David slushy for the hot weather, which is like absolute crack cocaine.
24:45 - 24:57
Like it's just so full of sugar and coffee. It's mental. Do you remember that episode of the Simpsons where they, Milhouse and Barth have that shit that they're sucking on?
24:57 - 25:04
It's like the neat concentrate that goes in the bottom of the slushy machine. They're taking hits off it.
25:04 - 25:17
They're high as, like they're absolutely tripping balls, which you don't realize at the time. Cause I watched it as a kid, but now I'm like, all right, they're absolutely tripping. That's what they're doing here. So I go on, I get the slushy and then I'm drinking the slushy.
25:17 - 25:23
But because I've been quite anxious and I've had lack of sleep, the slushy is all a bit much. I'm kind of.
25:23 - 25:23
Palpitations.
25:23 - 25:29
I'm further up the walls. Because I've had the run to try to take me down off the walls.
25:30 - 25:34
And then I've just slushied myself up. I'm straight back up, just straight back up the wall.
25:34 - 25:49
But if the beautiful Rachel asked you to buy anything, would you buy, you know what I mean? If you came in there and even after a run, she was like, you should have a huge piece of chocolate cake and a whole sourdough.
25:49 - 25:53
You just be like, yes, Rachel, whatever.
25:53 - 26:07
She seems, seems to know what's best for me. That's the vibe she gives. Honestly, I'm so open to suggestion as well. I kind of just like people making decisions for me. So she actually does give me like, she will give me cake in the middle of the morning sometimes.
26:07 - 26:13
And I'll never say no. Like, I'll just be like, Oh, is that what you think I should have? She'd be like, yeah. And I'd be like, well then I will have that.
26:13 - 26:19
Then we have to hope she's got your best interests at heart. Don't we? Cause if she's saying you need another, like your 15th coffee.
26:20 - 26:24
And I don't know if that's going to help you off the walls, but your, like Rachel's saying
26:24 - 26:33
honestly between Tohi and Rachel, I don't have a bottom. A pair of them have me by the short and curlies. I'm in trouble.
26:33 - 26:36
And they're in cohoots. They're a couple.
26:36 - 26:43
They live in the shed. They have a loft bed in the shed where they just plot how they'll get more dosh out of Mike Rice.
26:43 - 26:45
Yeah. Oh Christ.
26:45 - 26:58
What next then Mike? You have had your slushy. Your heart is going at 210 beats per minute. It's like that
26:58 - 27:05
bit in possibly Pulp Fiction with the adrenaline shot. Where is this beautiful day going?
27:05 - 27:10
Remember that in that scene, there's that one of those actresses is Irish. Actually, she's the friend.
27:11 - 27:17
Yes. That's unreal. I would love to chat to her about being in Pulp Fiction. I mean, that's so sick.
27:17 - 27:23
She was in The Commitments. She's also in one of the Star Wars films as well. There is a great legacy.
27:23 - 27:27
Was there an Irish island in sort of planet in Star Wars that I don't remember?
27:27 - 27:40
You see Mike, this is what happens. Sometimes I won't go on about this for too long. But when Luke Skywalker needs to escape, he goes to an island on a planet where no one will find him.
27:40 - 27:54
That is, in fact, a rocky outcrop off County Cork called the Skelligs, where monks lived in pre-medieval times. So put that up your.
27:54 - 27:57
Shove that up your hole, Max. Shove that up your hole, Max.
27:57 - 28:02
I was just wondering, if Yoda was just a little Irishman, it'd be much better.
28:02 - 28:04
Oh, no. Don't do the voice.
28:04 - 28:04
I won't do it.
28:04 - 28:05
Don't do Irishman.
28:05 - 28:07
Everybody wants it. Sure to be, you are.
28:07 - 28:10
You know what, Max? I don't mind it.
28:10 - 28:12
Yeah, thanks, Mike. Thank you.
28:12 - 28:14
A pint you'll have, you will.
28:14 - 28:26
Sorry, that's like the worst tourist T-shirt that you might see on the streets of Dublin. Yoda dressed as a leprechaun saying, a pint, of course, you will have.
28:26 - 28:37
If you went to, like, Kerry or somewhere, you would find a lot of our lads who are not unlike Yoda in the looks to parents. Do you know what I mean? There's a lot of little scrunched up little men.
28:37 - 28:50
What you're saying, Mike, is that it's possible Yoda wasn't ever a Jedi master. He's just had a life on the pints and now just bores people in snugs with tales of battles that he was in in the past.
28:50 - 28:52
Don't listen to this idiot.
28:52 - 29:01
100%. Like, Yoda's children don't talk to him and now he's just fucking bending the ear off any person or soul who listened to his shite.
29:01 - 29:06
He just goes to the bookies and then back into the pub.
29:06 - 29:19
Yeah. And then every night at midnight, he sings, out of my cage I am coming and I'm feeling just fine. Sorry, I was trying to sing The Killers, but as Yoda would with the words slightly.
29:19 - 29:20
It's pretty hard.
29:20 - 29:25
Feeling fine. I am just feeling, you know, you can do it yourself.
29:25 - 29:27
I get what you mean. I get what you mean and I dig it.
29:27 - 29:32
And also trying to think of things to say as Yoda has stopped me actually doing the podcast.
29:32 - 29:42
Mike, we need to keep this day. This day has a great kinetic energy. It's simply bubbling away. What happens after?
29:42 - 29:52
So then I'm full of anxiety and then I get, I'm like, oh, I'm not well here now. This slushy's after really souring me. And then I say it to the girl that I'm seeing.
29:52 - 30:01
I'm like, this slushy has done me in like you wouldn't believe. And then she says, well, have you eaten anything? Maybe you should eat something. And I was like, by God, that's a good idea now.
30:01 - 30:04
And then she's a keeper. Yeah, she's a keeper.
30:04 - 30:19
She's a head on her shoulders there now. I said, this woman has seen the whole thing clearly. So I go down, I make myself scrambled eggs on toast, which is what I'll have generally in the morning, about 11-ish or something like generally.
30:19 - 30:24
So I have the scrambled eggs on toast, but then I'm also, I'm meeting a fellow, yes.
30:24 - 30:27
How many eggs? Because we've had quite a few.
30:27 - 30:33
Joanne McNally had six eggs. Six eggs. And she is a very slight person. You know what I mean?
30:33 - 30:35
How many eggs do you have?
30:35 - 30:49
It doesn't surprise me though. She does seem like, not in a bad way, but she seems quite eggy. Like she seems like, oh, I think you've had too many eggs. You know, like, you know what I mean? You can kind of feel, there's an energy of like, whoa, you've had too much of something there now. Love, Joanne. But it does add up.
30:49 - 30:59
Her farts, you're talking about her legendary farts, where just before she goes to sleep, she does a six minute fart, where she laughs out the whole day.
30:59 - 31:01
Yeah, she's famous for it. It's absolutely beautiful.
31:01 - 31:06
And you can get it wherever you get your podcasts. You can download it.
31:06 - 31:11
Because it's quite melodic. It actually, you know, it's kind of like listening to whale sounds.
31:11 - 31:13
Yeah, put it under Tohi's tape.
31:13 - 31:21
Max, Max, I think you've just cracked. You've solved a very serious quagmire in my life, actually, there.
31:21 - 31:24
You just get Joanne to release one of her six egg, six minute farts.
31:24 - 31:35
Just to be clear, you're saying to score Tohi's hypnotic stories with Joanne McNally's six minute continuous fart. Is that what you're telling me?
31:35 - 31:37
Absolutely, yeah. That's what I'm telling you, Mike, yeah.
31:37 - 31:38
Okay, perfect.
31:38 - 31:46
Yeah, it's really beautiful though. Do you know, like Samual Barber's Adagio for strings? The thing that plays in like Platoon. Because like, she also, she blasts them from multiple holes.
31:46 - 31:53
So there is a sad, minor, harmonic element to it as well. So thanks for coming on the podcast, Joanne.
31:53 - 32:00
So yeah, so I have three eggs. I have three eggs, which now feels quite meagre.
32:00 - 32:02
I think it's fine, Mike. I think three is good.
32:02 - 32:17
So I have the three eggs. I have an old banana, pear, and then I realized I have to go back to Rua, back to the scene of my discomfort, because I'm meeting a fellow comedian, Jacob Hawley there for just a chat.
32:18 - 32:29
He lives on Holloway Road as well, and he's going to come down taking, time out of his busy schedule, he's three children, and he's coming down to sit and have a few collegial words with me.
32:29 - 32:33
What happens if Rachel says, have another slushie? This is what I'm worried about.
32:33 - 32:44
I'm not joking, Max. I don't go into the coffee shop for this very reason. I stay outside on the benches. I even said to Jacob, because he met, he's like, what do you want?
32:44 - 32:51
I can't go in there now, I said. So you get whatever you need. I've been slushied quite early this morning, and I can't.
32:51 - 33:02
I can't really dance now. So I sit there, I chat with Jacob. We're both kind of moaning for an hour, whinging about really non-existent problems, but we both seem a bit bummed out.
33:02 - 33:16
You know, I'm, of course, talking about slushie day, and then the sleep, and then I've been under pressure. I've just gigged this weekend where I'm hosting for Kneecap. I'm doing this thing in Crystal Palace Park, which is cool,
33:16 - 33:19
but also just has been stressing me out because I'm like, how would I...
33:19 - 33:28
I've opened for, or I've hosted, but villagers, a very different Irish act who are more of the gentle folk vibes.
33:28 - 33:42
So the audience were sitting cross-legged like Max's meditation image on the ground and wanted to hear what I had to say, whereas you're going to have to use the words,
33:42 - 33:47
is London in the house? Are there any Irish people here? Stuff like this.
33:47 - 33:53
They'll be all classics. That'll definitely be, you know, dusted down. London brought for a walk. Yes, Dave.
33:53 - 33:59
Sorry, David, are you suggesting Mike says, you know, let me hear you say, yeah. Is that what you're suggesting?
33:59 - 34:14
I'm suggesting he doesn't do a bit of new material, like his new, what's one of those poems where you sort of hit your body as you do it? You know what I mean? That's about, say, the famine or something like that.
34:14 - 34:15
Actually, that might go down.
34:15 - 34:29
That actually might go down well. Actually, now that I say it, you know that, remember that Sinead O'Connor clip where she's like, I'm going to talk about the famine. We did, you know that thing. Do you remember that? And if I put a little Sinead O'Connor wig on and then like rip up a picture. Oh, actually, I'm actually
34:29 - 34:34
taking a note. Let me just take that down. Rip up a picture of...
34:34 - 34:42
Is it like stars in their eyes when you go, tonight, Matthew, I'm going to be Sinead O'Connor. And then you come out of the smokey with a picture of... Yeah, okay.
34:42 - 34:52
But it's been stressing me out unduly. Now, there's a reason as well. I've just been in a little place because I didn't drink for five months. David, you know that because you were with me a few times I wasn't drinking.
34:52 - 35:05
But then recently, I've had a few things. My antidepressants, I was coming off them. I started drinking again because I was at two weddings. And then I got this kneecap gig. And then I also started seeing someone, like I seriously started seeing someone which stresses me out.
35:05 - 35:15
And it just all got too much. So that kind of led to the lack of sleep. And then the lack of sleep, everything kind of seems quite dreadful, especially if you're awake in the middle of the night.
35:15 - 35:26
You know, it's all like, I don't know how. So then the kneecap gig kind of became this albatross in my mind of like this absolutely horrible thing when it's not really. I just have to go up and introduce people.
35:26 - 35:40
And totally. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's literally all you have to do. But I hate to say the most obvious thing in the world, but like these are all lovely things. You know, to go to two weddings is great. To meet a new person. Wonderful stuff.
35:40 - 35:49
It's a beautiful summer. Your career is going so well. You're asked to open a gig that there'll be like 30,000 people at.
35:49 - 35:51
Yeah, yeah.
35:51 - 35:52
Yet this is what we have.
35:52 - 36:02
And David, I've rarely, I couldn't stress this more. I've rarely been more miserable. So and that's the terrible because, you know, people say it and I do everything.
36:02 - 36:12
You know, I'm writing out the journaling. I'm meditating. I'm CBT-ing. I am that. And yes, on paper, everything's great.
36:12 - 36:17
Yes, it is. Absolutely. But that doesn't account for just being fucking mental.
36:17 - 36:21
I'm sorry, Mike. I didn't mean to sound like your dad out there.
36:21 - 36:35
And you didn't. And it's just so funny that I've just noticed your name on this is Lord David-y. It's just words of wisdom from Lord David-y. You're 100% right. But that's what I've been telling myself over and over.
36:35 - 36:45
These are all great things. It's good. And it's starting to work. Like the last couple of days I've been kind of coming out of it and just sometimes you get overwhelmed, you know, life. Yeah, for sure.
36:45 - 36:51
So we chat with Jacob. We have this chat and then we go our separate way. I presume.
36:52 - 36:53
Unless he's still with you.
36:53 - 37:03
Imagine Holly just pops up. And then I go back to my house and I've got a whip in Bristol that evening.
37:03 - 37:13
So a work in progress shows I'm trying out like new material and stuff. So I go back and I said, right, I'm going to do, this is about half 12 or so.
37:13 - 37:26
I'm going to do some writing for this whip. I'm going to just like get my ducks in a row, see what new material I'm going to do. It's mostly stuff. A lot of stuff about poo. Hopefully the show will evolve. I'm hoping that.
37:26 - 37:30
How have you settled on that as a theme, Mike? Was there one particular incident?
37:30 - 37:44
No, there's about five incidents a day. Yeah. No, it just so happens to me. I was reading this book called The Denial of Death by a fella called Ernest Becker.
37:44 - 38:01
And it won a Pulitzer Prize, I think like in the seventies or something. But a huge, huge kind of like theme of the book is the reason that we feel such shame about shitting and stuff and like pooing and even like ejaculation and masturbation,
38:01 - 38:14
all these things that are just obviously natural things as human. But the reason that we feel this deep shame, even though it's mad because every single person shits, right? Every single one, yet we're still embarrassed about it. Like that makes no sense. Like why?
38:14 - 38:29
Like if everyone does it, why is there? But his thing is that it's because, we had kind of made it into our heads that we were like made in the image of God and we're these higher beings when really we are just smart,
38:29 - 38:36
smelly animals. And when we shit and when we wank, all these are just, you know, you can't help but know you're an ape if you're wanking, you know?
38:37 - 38:52
And that then reminds us that we're animals. And then that reminds us that we're just worms who will be soon to be worm food, you know? So it reminds us of our mortality and, we're trying to kind of push that away.
38:52 - 38:55
So this book has inspired me to...
38:55 - 39:02
That's really interesting because I certainly don't think about mortality when I'm doing a poop. Obviously I'm a simple guy, but now I will, I guess.
39:02 - 39:09
Well, see, you're blessed with this kind of an obliviousness that one could only dream of. Fair play. It's great.
39:09 - 39:18
Mike, is the big ending to this show, you drop a big load, you know, unapologetically?
39:18 - 39:24
Surely the whole audience. The whole audience. Under your chair, you'll find a toilet seat and everybody shits together.
39:24 - 39:37
But I do talk about like, even like we villainize people, like for just showing, just being their animal self. Like when Amber Heard took a shit in Johnny Depp's bed and suddenly she's a bad person.
39:37 - 39:50
When really that was just, you know, her displaying her feelings honestly, just woo-hoo-ha and just took shit in the bed, which is actually as well, also quite an admirable form of,
39:50 - 40:04
communication if you think about it, because I know relationships I've had with women, it's often like, oh, how is everything? And they'll be like, oh, it's fine. And I go to give them a kiss to give me the cheek, you know? And then I'm like, oh, are you sure everything's fine? Then they're like, yeah, it's fine.
40:04 - 40:06
And it's this slow withdrawal of affection.
40:06 - 40:07
You know what I mean?
40:08 - 40:19
Whereas like, if you were like someone, hey, how are you? And they were like, have a look in the bed. You'd know where you stand, you know? Away from the bed, but you know.
40:19 - 40:21
Yeah. That is true.
40:21 - 40:22
It's full of poo.
40:22 - 40:27
Is there like, a little poo would be, we, you know, things aren't going great, but it's salvageable.
40:27 - 40:28
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
40:28 - 40:33
On the floor, it's next to the toilet. That's like, we can work on this, but if it's in the bed.
40:33 - 40:35
That's exactly right. Game over.
40:35 - 40:35
Right, I see.
40:35 - 40:44
Yeah, yeah. If it's in the bed where it's absolute crisis talks, like close to the door, you've not put the bins out or something. Something of the sort.
40:44 - 41:00
Our old Labrador we got from Animal Rescue and she had a few old quirks to her, but my father at the time was arranging a lot of music for orchestras and big groups so there'd be big, huge piles of sheet music
41:00 - 41:04
because this is the pre-computer era so you have to write it all out by hand.
41:04 - 41:12
Anyway, one time he opened up some enormous score, you know, that would be like it was just a dog shit in the middle of it.
41:12 - 41:15
How do you play that? How do you play that?
41:15 - 41:24
Yeah, as a jazz musician, though, it's almost like it's the perfect thing to find that it just means do a solo here, you know?
41:24 - 41:31
Oh, that's brilliant. Yeah, so this book has inspired a lot of material, actually, because I just found it.
41:31 - 41:39
I remember I watched an Adam Curtis documentary a few years ago and it like inspired a whole lot of, you know, it just gives you a new way of thinking about things and suddenly you're like,
41:39 - 41:47
oh, right, OK. And I'm just kind of very interested in just why I feel ashamed so much, you know, like what the hell is that about?
41:47 - 41:57
Obviously, we have the Catholicism and everything, but, so anyway, I go back, I'm writing a bit and doing a bit like that and then I decide it's dinner time because it's like half one,
41:57 - 42:07
two o'clock and that, I grew up on a farm, so I have my big meal generally at about half one.
42:07 - 42:13
Like it's a classic someone from the country in Ireland thing to do. And so what do you have for biggie?
42:13 - 42:28
I've got like a Tupperware plastic tub just full of chicken, potatoes, broccoli, and cabbage and carrots. Big tub of it. I don't even like freeze the thing. I just put a load of it in the fridge and that'll do me like four dinners.
42:28 - 42:33
It's fantastic. And do you know what? Every single time I'm like, this is lovely. I love this.
42:34 - 42:40
Do you just decant a course of it onto a plate or do you just eat it out of the Tupperware?
42:40 - 42:44
Max, I'm not a complete savage. I don't. I don't.
42:44 - 42:54
Do you just put your face into the trough of food and like set a stopwatch for a minute and a half?
42:54 - 42:57
There is an episode we've done recently with a guest who doesn't use cutlery.
42:58 - 43:05
So maybe I'm just in that frame of mind of a man who ate four pork loins without a knife and fork. So I'm in that mindset.
43:06 - 43:08
May I withdraw the question?
43:08 - 43:17
No, you can't. No, you can't. And history won't be kind to what you've said there, Max. I take a certain amount of chicken, potatoes, broccoli and carrots out.
43:17 - 43:31
I heat it up in the microwave, put it down. I put butter on the potatoes, quite a lot of Kerrygold butter on there. I also get mayonnaise and hot sauce and put that as a mixture on the side.
43:31 - 43:41
And then I'll kind of dip the chicken in that. There'll be chicken thighs now. So it'll be like there'll be skin on the chicken, quite fatty, quite tasty, pepper and salt.
43:41 - 43:49
And I have this all the time, this exact dinner and it never gets, I can't believe it every time. I'm like, you've done it again. You've done it again.
43:49 - 43:57
In the pandemic, I had COVID in a hotel room in Australia and it was when you weren't allowed to leave the room for seven days.
43:57 - 44:07
But Sam Campbell dropped over a load of shopping and he sent the biggest bag of pasta that you can get and like loads of chicken breasts.
44:07 - 44:19
And because I didn't have much energy, I made basically a bucket of dinner that I ate every day for five days until it definitely wasn't healthy to keep eating it.
44:19 - 44:29
And I did, I did realize there is a myth that you should eat different food every day, whereas you could just eat the same thing over and over. It's fine.
44:29 - 44:38
I couldn't be more on board with you there. It's an absolute myth. A big bucket of food. Now, I'd love that. Now, that really has spoken to me there because I grew up on a farm.
44:38 - 44:49
You are, you're dealing so much in buckets and my life has become quite bucketless. I would love a big bucket of shite. It's completely true. You can have the same thing every day.
44:49 - 45:01
It's still good. But I am blessed with a palate where I like absolutely everything. Like, I just think food is just amazing. Everything I eat, I just can't believe it.
45:01 - 45:09
I could have a bowl of Weetabix or I could have a steak in a Michelin star and I'd be like, they're both really, really good. They're both brilliant.
45:09 - 45:11
That's beautiful. It is beautiful.
45:11 - 45:12
It's amazing.
45:12 - 45:27
I find it strange. My whole day, me and my wife, it's all dictated by food. What is breakfast going to be? What does that, take off the table because you can't have that for lunch. You know, we're always planning. We're planning and planning and it's just all about what you're getting.
45:27 - 45:34
Once you've had breakfast, her first question is, what do you want for lunch? And then we just start planning that. That's life. Everything else is incidental.
45:34 - 45:43
Well, it's as good a way to pass the time as that. You know what I mean? You just have to kind of fill the day whatever way suits you and then we'll die. You know, it's just...
45:43 - 45:44
Fill it up.
45:44 - 45:47
So we've had our dinner. We're really getting through this now.
45:47 - 45:53
Have you had a shower yet? Because you're covered in sweat and we haven't covered the shower. You must have showered after the run, right?
45:53 - 46:06
Oh, I love showered. I love showered. And I have a new special shampoo that costs an arm and a leg that a comedian called Daniel Fox told me to get because he's also got blonde hair and I've recently got this blonde hair and he said,
46:06 - 46:15
you need to get this. And then a Russian lady named Mary sold me this conditioner that cost like 40 pounds when I was in the salon.
46:15 - 46:16
She's with Rachel and Tohi.
46:16 - 46:29
She's with Rachel and Tohi, yeah. Yeah, yeah. There's a conspiracy in London just to take every last cent out of my pocket. But anyway, she put me onto this conditioner so then I had shampoo and then after that I did a conditioner.
46:29 - 46:32
Like it was self-care in action, I feel.
46:32 - 46:44
Max, what I'm getting here is as if any Russian woman is called Mary. Even Tohi, which sounds like a beautiful name from an exotic place, is just another Irish guy.
46:44 - 46:50
These are all fellas from the next village over from Mike who've heard that he's doing quite well and they're rinsing him.
46:50 - 46:53
Or it's like, you know, Eddie Murphy in that movie or like,
46:53 - 46:54
they're all the same guy.
46:54 - 46:57
It's all Eddie Murphy.
46:57 - 46:58
Aren't they all Eddie Murphy?
46:58 - 47:05
They're all played by the one very, very talented comedic actor who is rinsing me.
47:05 - 47:19
So I have my dinner and then after that I'm kind of mincing around the house kind of, I'm a bit too full to do anything and it's hot but I've got a piece of paper out and I'm kind of making shapes at writing.
47:19 - 47:31
I'm like, if anyone looks at me right now or catches me, I'll be like, I'm writing but I'm not really doing anything. I'm just kind of, but in my head I'm logging this in as I'm writing right now.
47:31 - 47:41
So then I end up heading to Paddington. So Paddington train station. Train to Bristol is cancelled because it's too hot.
47:42 - 47:49
And I sat down beside this guy. This guy really annoyed me. I was sitting down beside him and he's just a young guy like, I don't know, maybe,
47:49 - 48:05
maybe 24 but he's in like, you know, an office shirt and slacks and he was sitting in my seat but he had his earphones in and he's watching some bollocks Netflix show on his thing and he was scoffing down crisps and a sandwich just like really obnoxiously
48:05 - 48:09
and I sat in beside him. Let him have my seat which was the window.
48:09 - 48:20
I just said, right, you can have it but there was no acknowledgement. He's kind of grunting and he had his elbows like he wasn't being in any way mindful that another big man is going to be is also having to sit.
48:20 - 48:31
I thought he was quite brutish. Yes, and inconsiderate but then anyway, we were on that and then that got cancelled and I had to run and get on another train,
48:31 - 48:43
another train which was very packed and quite hot. So I was on that train. I do do some writing on this train now because it's gone to the head and I haven't actually done anything before.
48:43 - 48:51
The rest of the day has been a lot of posing and posturing and mincing and scowling and now I actually have to do it because the show is coming up.
48:51 - 49:06
Yeah, there's something to be said for this. Like there's an old Cole Porter quote which is someone asked him which comes first the music or the lyrics and he said the phone call as in he can turn this round under pressure whatever it is.
49:06 - 49:06
That's right.
49:06 - 49:15
And a lot of great ideas on the way to gigs. So you get a seat on this. You're not the nightmare of standing outside a poopy smelling toilet.
49:15 - 49:18
Although that actually could be quite helpful for Mike given the show.
49:18 - 49:19
Yeah, given the show actually.
49:19 - 49:34
That could be quite evocative yes and quite I suppose inspiring. Yes. Yes. Anyway, I arrived there. I end up getting a taxi. It's Bristol Parkway which is a good bit out. So I have to get a taxi with a Polish fella.
49:34 - 49:34
Eddie Murphy.
49:34 - 49:37
It was Eddie Murphy again. Yeah. It was once again.
49:37 - 49:44
He's really stretching himself in this episode. Yeah. He's really stretching himself.
49:44 - 49:54
But the mistake is he keeps giving all these characters really Irish names. So he's like I am from Poland. I am Fergus is my name.
49:54 - 50:04
And amazingly he sold me a slushie in the taxi. And he's also now my hypnotist. So I get the taxi with the Polish fella and I'm kind of in the back there now.
50:04 - 50:11
And it's a black cab. Uber wouldn't come there or something. I was like they were just they wouldn't. So black cab you're obviously getting diddled.
50:11 - 50:26
In my mind I think black cab you should definitely not talk to me because I'm paying a lot of money here. So I should be kind of buying your silence I feel. But anyway this fella wants an old chat and I'm too polite and Irish not to chat to him if he wants to chat.
50:26 - 50:29
He's after breaking up with the wife.
50:30 - 50:40
Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then he wants to move back to Poland. Apparently the Polish economy according to him is better than the UK economy. He's telling me that UK people are moving to Poland.
50:40 - 50:46
Nigel Farage is confused about this. He's like I don't know how do I feel about British people going to Poland.
50:46 - 50:57
So he's telling me that we're having a nice chat he says you know something about the courts like with his son and his son's nine and all this stuff so I'm kind of like nodding away.
50:57 - 51:04
In my head I'm thinking I should have bought your silence. This is not but I just can't I have no ability to stop.
51:04 - 51:08
I can't like what do you do? Do you just say enough?
51:08 - 51:11
You shit on the seat. You shit on the seat.
51:11 - 51:19
I once had this with the guy whose dog had just died. This was a taxi in Edinburgh a long taxi.
51:20 - 51:33
And so they'd wanted to bury the dog in the garden but the rigor mortis had set in so he was having to dig a much deeper hole than he thought to get the stiff legs of the Labrador down.
51:33 - 51:35
They just four legs poking out.
51:35 - 51:38
Use my score pose. You could play croquet.
51:38 - 51:40
You could play yeah.
51:40 - 51:42
Play croquet through the dog's legs.
51:42 - 51:54
Yeah there's no point in that story where I can just be like sorry I need to think about my little keyboard comedy show now and I'm paying this man to tell me this story as well.
51:54 - 52:07
I know that's the thing I'm paying you. Why am I listening? I'm paying. Anyway that reminds me of that Billy Connolly story do you know with her arse outside of the ground and then they use it as a to park his bike.
52:08 - 52:09
Yes yes yes.
52:09 - 52:20
I arrive in Bristol after chatting with the Polish taxi driver and I pay him his ransom and then I go and get a meal deal from Tesco.
52:20 - 52:39
Bacon and egg sandwich walkers crisps and a water now I have never in my life gotten over the combination of sandwich and crisp I can't believe it every time I just think it's just unbelievable it's unbelievable
52:39 - 52:43
Do you put the crisps in the sandwich? Do you open the sandwich and shove them in or separate?
52:43 - 52:55
That's a great question Max and you know what I alternate between the two just to keep things kind of spicy for myself but like as long as there's sandwich and crisp in my mouth at the same time
52:55 - 53:12
that's the main thing I can't believe it how good it is every time I'm like if I got this in a Michelin star restaurant I'd be like you've done it again I just it's fucking brilliant it's brilliant and I'm so excited you know like
53:12 - 53:26
I'd be going into this Tesco for a meal deal and I'd be like God happiness awaits like I just and so then anyway I goes into the comedy club there's people in the green room that are doing some sort of work like they're on laptops and stuff
53:26 - 53:33
which really made me frown initially I was like and they were all just like hey and I was like hello
53:33 - 53:37
so they're not performers they're just doing something else on laptops
53:37 - 53:52
yeah I guess they work for the club I don't know what they're doing but they're they're in there anyway and then and I've been to that green room before I know it and I've actually had this exact issue there because I had to change my clothes I was like is there any room that I could be in that I'm by myself or that
53:52 - 54:07
and then they were all like oh we can go we can go and I was like yeah beat it what I say is I say I'm gonna go I thought this was quite conciliatory of me I said I'm gonna go have my meal deal in the room
54:07 - 54:12
the comedy room and then when I come back then perhaps we'll be gone
54:12 - 54:18
presumably the audience aren't in yet you're not going out on stage to eat the meal deal
54:18 - 54:26
that's a nice bit isn't it before in silence I'll eat a meal deal complete silence I'll go back out and then come back out
54:26 - 54:34
that's exactly right and honestly if I were to just eat the meal deal on stage it would have been better than a lot of the stuff I did
54:34 - 54:38
it is an interesting thought though Mike that like you clearly love
54:38 - 54:52
the combo of crisps and sandwiches so much it's like in I only saw the trailer for the movie that's based on John Bishop's life but what I got from it was he's doing comedy it's not going great and then he just starts to talk about his own life
54:52 - 55:08
and everyone's laughing and suddenly he becomes huge similarly you're doing comedy it's going fine and then one day because the lights are on you don't realize that the audience are all in and you eat a meal deal and they you basically invent a new form of
55:08 - 55:14
it's not really entertainment it's just the audience love watching someone enjoying food so much
55:14 - 55:24
but you know what that's not even far-fetched in today's world like there's a guy I watched eating food on YouTube called Beard Meets Food he just eats a shitload of food
55:24 - 55:39
and I just watch him eat the food and I think it's brilliant and I genuinely met him once at a Spotify event and I was it was like I was meeting John Lennon like I couldn't I was so sheepish I was like I'm such a big fan
55:39 - 55:44
presumably he's eating large quantities of like ribs and stuff he's not eating just
55:44 - 55:54
you can't believe how much food this man has eaten and you know what he never loses his like touch of class he's always very polite to the way it's staff and he's just a good good guy
55:54 - 56:01
you you eat the meal deal alone have these wreckers left the green room then the hackers I'm gonna call them
56:01 - 56:08
they have they've been very like they've been very compliant and sound and I had no reason really to be annoyed
56:08 - 56:23
with them because I came early like I came early to this pod I like being places early yes I said that to the kneecap people they were like you can come at one an hour before the gig I was like is it okay if I'm there at half eleven twelve for no reason they were like
56:23 - 56:28
you can come if you want I was like well then I'll be there then because that's just what I like to do
56:28 - 56:31
I do the show I'm very tired by the time it's shown
56:31 - 56:45
it's been a long day I've been up since fucking half five six squirming around I don't have much natural energy but the crowd are very what would the word be they're generous they're graceful they're giving me a lot of energy
56:45 - 56:58
you're a cult favourite at this point and I'm not trying to damn you with faint praise now but like you have a highly devoted following and they would happily watch you just
56:58 - 57:00
eat a meal deal
57:00 - 57:01
or have a dump
57:01 - 57:04
yeah they love that the whole process
57:04 - 57:08
then you just sit until it's digested and then you have a toilet there
57:08 - 57:10
perfect ending you're just like
57:10 - 57:23
yeah but so I find some new bits that are good and working and lines and stuff and I'm like that's you know yourself that's always the best feeling like you're like I have come out
57:23 - 57:35
with that richer than I came in we've got some stuff there I'm liking it as well because I'm really interested in some of the stuff I'm talking about a lot of times I'll just do stories which I like doing but like this show I'm like
57:35 - 57:44
I want to do just little different style of stuff as in like just more premises and anyway I'm sweating like
57:44 - 57:49
you insist on performing in these really thick denim shirts I've noticed
57:49 - 57:57
no I've given up on those because in my last special the second half of the special is truly disgusting it's actually
57:57 - 57:59
is it right down the pits
57:59 - 58:06
the shirt has completely changed colour Max I'm not even joking there's no even pits it's just full immersion
58:06 - 58:14
that's better than during the Soccer AM Glory Years the jockey Richard Dunwoody came on and his he started sweating
58:14 - 58:28
so badly that all you were looking at but we just sort of didn't reference it everyone could just see during his 15 minute interview these patches it sort of looked like it was sort of as big as I'd say Africa like that sort of came out on both
58:28 - 58:32
of his armpits it's better to be fully submerged it changes
58:32 - 58:41
it's classic Dunwoody he was trying to make the wait for a race that afternoon and he asked that the studio be absolutely hoiked up to 35 degrees
58:41 - 58:45
I just didn't think I'd hear the term classic Dunwoody
58:45 - 58:57
in this episode the thing is you do have that moment that kind of in between space where it is just all patches until they join together to make one horrid
58:57 - 59:01
it's like Pangea isn't it Pangea of sweat is what you want
59:01 - 59:05
yeah yeah okay it's exactly like Pangea Max in every way
59:06 - 59:20
but so I've been wearing lighter stuff that's not as heavy as the denim shirts but last I had an Ireland top on and I was just pouring you know I'm an effusive is that what you say effusive sweater
59:20 - 59:35
I don't know if you can imbue sweat with enthusiasm but it's a disgrace like I was I went to a sauna with my girlfriend the other day and we're in there for a second and I'm apt she's like are you is that sweat I'm drenched
59:35 - 59:37
she has not one drop of sweat yet and I
59:37 - 59:41
three people drowned didn't that you went for this one three people drowned
59:41 - 59:43
three people are no longer with us
59:43 - 59:48
this podcast is a journalistic exercise it's not about me giving people advice
59:49 - 59:55
but can I just say you went for a run in in the my kiss king his old jersey
59:56 - 1:00:02
you did a gig in I'm pretty sure an old adidas Ireland polyester top
1:00:03 - 1:00:15
and you're doing this podcast in a retro Manchester United 100% polyester like you could wash that 50,000 times and it's still
1:00:15 - 1:00:20
going to look like that a bit of cotton Mike maybe just a tiny bit of cotton no
1:00:20 - 1:00:25
cotton I don't know it feels quite bourgeoisie you know what I mean I don't know if I want to
1:00:25 - 1:00:29
cotton come on silk yes but cotton come on
1:00:29 - 1:00:33
I don't know have I lost touch with the common man if I'm
1:00:33 - 1:00:36
are you suddenly Jacob Rees-Mogg because you're wearing a cotton t-shirt
1:00:36 - 1:00:38
well this is what I have to ask myself
1:00:38 - 1:00:44
Max the reason he can't sleep is because it's 100% polyester sheets and every time he turns over
1:00:44 - 1:00:55
sparks shoot out of it you know the way polyester kind of sticks to itself it's like sleeping with a dynamo every night things bursting into flames like just give up on polyester
1:00:55 - 1:01:00
listen I can't quit I can't quit on polyester I can't do that also the sweating
1:01:00 - 1:01:15
I think makes me feel like a man of the land a man of toil and in some ways you know makes me feel like I am I am working or I'm achieving things you know so anyway I finished the show as soon as I finished
1:01:15 - 1:01:25
I have to fuck off to get my train there is a screening in the comedy venue of the England game I'm missing the England game I would like to see the England game but I'm missing it to get home at a reasonable hour on my way
1:01:25 - 1:01:38
I give Vittorio a call to go through a few ideas for the kneecap gig even though there's not that much I can do in between acts just shooting a few things around like is there anything that would be you know we think could work or like
1:01:38 - 1:01:44
to the listeners this is Vittorio Angelone who had the first recorded bonk ever on this
1:01:44 - 1:01:45
in history
1:01:45 - 1:01:49
I listened to the episode and I I found it quite crass David
1:01:49 - 1:02:00
would you say anyone found it sounded erotic though you know what I mean would you say there was anyone who listened to that and just found themselves changing the course of their day if you know what I mean
1:02:00 - 1:02:11
I do think because it wasn't just his admission of the bonk it was your investigative deep dive into the the nitty gritty of the bonk
1:02:11 - 1:02:12
yeah of course
1:02:12 - 1:02:17
and that I think kind of would have got a lot of people quite a flush I know I flushed
1:02:17 - 1:02:27
David are you thinking we could because you know we're always searching for new listeners are you thinking that branches out into erotica sort of low scale erotica
1:02:27 - 1:02:39
no what I want to know if anyone's ever touched themselves while listening to this podcast that's what I want to know this episode would be a tough tough ask
1:02:39 - 1:02:43
someone loves a meal deal and just thinks I've got to go have a wank
1:02:43 - 1:02:50
yeah crisps with sandwich and they're just flaking away they just inhibitions be damned
1:02:50 - 1:02:53
did you meet anyone on the way back
1:02:53 - 1:02:57
I met no one I was in I was on the train and
1:02:57 - 1:03:08
I'm too tired see I have to stay awake till at least 12 because this is insomniac stuff like you just you can't nap or you can't like you're like you just have to knacker yourself like so
1:03:08 - 1:03:20
you just have to stay awake but I have my book with me so I'm reading a book called Abraham Lincoln Team of Rivals which is about the fact that he put all the his competitors for the Republican
1:03:20 - 1:03:32
nomination in the presidential race all his main rivals he then put in main roles in his cabinet which was like unheard of and he's like had this mastery in man management and stuff and but it's
1:03:32 - 1:03:43
following their four stories it's really good but i tried to read the book i couldn't i was just too tight you know you're just can't like my brain is not functioning well so i listened to a podcast
1:03:43 - 1:03:53
with Louis Theroux and this guy andrew callahan he's like this young guy he made a documentary about january 6th a few years ago he's really good so i listened to that i was messaging my
1:03:53 - 1:03:58
new girlfriend she's recent girlfriend we're still in that quite excitable stage great
1:03:58 - 1:04:10
and being quite over affection you know what i mean i was like i can't wait for us to cuddle saying things like this it's quite nice it is quite nice but then you catch yourself you're like who am i now
1:04:10 - 1:04:16
do you send her a picture just of your face on the train on the way back is it that sort of affection
1:04:16 - 1:04:24
i don't do that i don't do the face one i've had people doing it to me and i remember thinking why in the hell are you sending me that now
1:04:24 - 1:04:34
but you think it's okay if someone was to send you a very tasteful nude where you can't see their ball bag though it's just them squat down that was fine though
1:04:34 - 1:04:37
it was more than fine it was exhilarating
1:04:37 - 1:04:39
you can send it to her if you want
1:04:39 - 1:04:48
i will send it on to her because she needs a lift she needs something to kind of put a pep in her step so anyway i arrived there and i'm like oh my god i'm so excited to be here and i'm like oh my god i'm so excited to be here
1:04:48 - 1:04:59
back on the train i decide i'm getting a taxi even though i could get the underground but i don't want to fucking climb up the steps at holloway road station which i have to and walk to my house
1:04:59 - 1:05:14
which is only like a six seven minute walk but i just don't want to do it but i do have to stay awake i'm not to nap so i get a black taxi because again uber was i don't know what the hell uber was doing it's turned against me and then i called my mother in the car i asked the
1:05:14 - 1:05:23
taxi driver i was like would it be okay for me to chat with my mother in lieu of chatting to you and he said that's fine mate and i said grand so i chatted away to my mom
1:05:23 - 1:05:28
great if he said no i'm sorry yeah no awesome lines to do
1:05:28 - 1:05:33
and i've got a very reasonably priced slushy here if you were
1:05:33 - 1:05:44
anyway and so then yeah i arrive home i chat with my roommates i have another chicken lettuce and tomato sandwich with walker's crisps
1:05:44 - 1:05:46
yes of course we do
1:05:46 - 1:05:56
hang on is this have you just taken chicken from the bucket of chicken the endless never-ending bucket would you ever think about putting that into bread
1:05:56 - 1:06:01
absolutely and i have done many many many many many times david but
1:06:01 - 1:06:07
it just so happened that i had like waitrose breast of chicken fucking plastic thing
1:06:07 - 1:06:18
there ready to go i've got walker's crisps on site at the minute on site multi-pack on site so didn't even have to stop for them they were already there
1:06:18 - 1:06:31
so i hurried in like a little rat and i fucking just gobbled it up sat with my roommates for a second they're watching this dallas cheerleaders documentary thing that's on it's real real real
1:06:31 - 1:06:34
dog shit tv but i watched an embarrassing amount of it myself
1:06:34 - 1:06:48
earlier when you said you were reading a book about abraham lincoln the rivals i did imagine it was an adaptation of rivals that horny ice hockey tv show but with members
1:06:48 - 1:06:54
of lincoln's cabinet like absolutely lashing it into each other the whole time
1:06:54 - 1:07:07
i obviously went straight to pop stars the rivals which discovered um girls allowed and one true voice of course and maybe the abraham lincoln was the simon cowell but he had louis walsh
1:07:07 - 1:07:11
and Rita Ora with him and that's how he chose the cabinet
1:07:11 - 1:07:14
louis walsh helped end slavery is that what you're trying to say
1:07:14 - 1:07:18
i'm saying you remind me of a young you
1:07:18 - 1:07:27
and also you know famously lincoln was uh shot at the theater but what people don't say is that he was at an s club seven gig at the time
1:07:27 - 1:07:32
well his famous speech is reach for the stars wasn't it climb every mountain high
1:07:32 - 1:07:33
that was abraham lincoln i believe yes
1:07:33 - 1:07:38
but then abraham lincoln weirdly also did ate no party like an s club party which
1:07:38 - 1:07:40
which made no sense at the time
1:07:40 - 1:07:42
he was fucking meaningless
1:07:42 - 1:07:47
he was laughed out of congress and now of course egg is on their chins they really
1:07:47 - 1:07:56
in order to stay up till midnight your goal do you have to employ tactics do you have to do anything go out for an unnecessary walk or anything
1:07:56 - 1:08:05
no because i'm right on schedule i'm right on schedule it's almost midnight so i gobble down a little uh toning i then also
1:08:05 - 1:08:17
drink some of this drink called trip which is a new thing that's in waitrose which is like cbd infused drink so it just kind of like body something like relaxes your body or something
1:08:18 - 1:08:29
my little panics i thought i was out of trip and i've created a mental dependency on it so i was like i've no trip there's no way i'll sleep and then i found that like a third of a can of trip
1:08:29 - 1:08:33
just on the ground in my room and i just gobbled it it was warm but i didn't care i was
1:08:33 - 1:08:41
max it's urine it's definitely urine from the week before but still infused with something yeah
1:08:41 - 1:08:51
and then i hopped into bed i must have fell asleep pretty quick i was knackered and i and then i woke up this morning at six or half six again
1:08:51 - 1:08:53
oh big day it's a big day
1:08:53 - 1:09:04
what i like about it is the emotional spectrum there which goes from quite a bleak morning to then the euphoria of the crisp sandwich combo then
1:09:04 - 1:09:11
those were the twin peaks of the day were the were the two different crisp sandwich combos
1:09:11 - 1:09:19
and i can have and i'll probably have another once this is finished this podcast i have a feeling there's a little peak coming on
1:09:19 - 1:09:26
yeah do you know what it has made me it has made me want to go and get a sandwich and put crisps in it it's been inspirational like that
1:09:26 - 1:09:29
it's win-win there's no way to lose you've no way to lose
1:09:29 - 1:09:36
it's funny because it has been noticed that we give out about so many products on this podcast we've really limited our number of sponsors
1:09:36 - 1:09:44
but crisp sandwiches now it's almost a bit sus it's almost like people would be like are those guys sponsored by crisp sandwiches
1:09:44 - 1:09:52
you don't need to even advertise it's a proof yeah who's ever said oh you know what i hate crisps in a sandwich
1:09:52 - 1:09:56
yeah mike rice thank you very much for telling us what you did yesterday
1:09:56 - 1:09:57
thank you mike
1:09:57 - 1:10:00
no problem guys that was a pleasure i'll chat to you soon
1:10:00 - 1:10:23
so mike rice there it's a great day his his approach to food is great and the crisp sandwich like genuinely i wasn't just saying that i really feel like now i want to go and get a crisp sandwich i don't think that's happened
1:10:23 - 1:10:30
in an ep where i've wanted to suck i didn't after david bedell want to get into a barrel that wasn't instantly what i wanted to do but i instantly want to go and get a crisp sandwich
1:10:30 - 1:10:48
i'm happy that we had the euphoria of the crisp sandwich because that opening it was so real it was almost too real where we did relaxation meditation followed by stretching you know what I mean that's the most
1:10:48 - 1:11:02
well i suppose I'm quite spiritual so I am where as you're this sort of this heathen whereas as you can tell from my question my deep questioning maybe my question about meditation was too it was too exclusive i wasn't including all the listeners because it was so so detailed
1:11:02 - 1:11:12
yeah we went on a journey we went up the walls and down the walls and up the walls and in the meantime eddie murphy was there the whole time and yoda is irish so
1:11:12 - 1:11:33
just so versatile oh yeah irish yoda oh god in ireland we do love tourist tat and generally they're just famous memes where you make someone dress up as a leprechaun so there's the homer simpson i'm kind of obsessed with it because
1:11:33 - 1:11:39
it doesn't really make any sense do you know the homer simpson reversing into a hedge
1:11:39 - 1:11:40
yeah yeah yeah
1:11:40 - 1:11:52
that meme but it's him dressed as a leprechaun so it's just why why are we doing this but certainly yoda as an elderly alcoholic irish man that's got such legs
1:11:52 - 1:11:57
and now we forgot in the intro to plug the subscription we really are bad at this
1:11:58 - 1:12:10
yesterday pod dot supporting cast.fm if you'd like to join us in prison if you would like to admit your guilt and be in it for life no parole thank you to everyone who's subscribed so far lots of people have
1:12:10 - 1:12:25
i would just like to stress as well you don't have to like i got a message earlier on today which was someone like oh so disappointed you've gone to a subscription model we haven't it's the same as it was before and if you need
1:12:25 - 1:12:27
more which you don't have to have
1:12:27 - 1:12:30
no you have to do it now everyone else
1:12:30 - 1:12:40
fair enough if you would like to get in touch with the podcast to give out to us about anything whatsoever anything you like this is how
1:12:40 - 1:12:52
to get in touch with the show you can email us at what did you do yesterday pod at gmail.com follow us on instagram at yesterday pod and please subscribe and leave a review
1:12:52 - 1:13:00
if you liked it on your preferred podcast platform and if you didn't please don't hey thanks david i had a nice time
1:13:00 - 1:13:10
i'm in it for life and i'm also contractually obliged to be in it for life now because we have these life members who are counting on us to do it
1:13:10 - 1:13:12
we actually have to be now
1:13:12 - 1:13:19
did it feel easier when you were in it for life and it was just a choice and now it's an obligation
1:13:19 - 1:13:25
does it end though when i pass away or will mars bar have built sort of ai models of us so
1:13:25 - 1:13:31
it depends if as long as david Duchovny is still kicking about we just go we just go straight there
1:13:31 - 1:13:31
yeah okay
1:13:31 - 1:13:38
obviously i may go before you so that is also possible i think once i go do i'd like you to carry it on by yourself please if
1:13:38 - 1:13:40
you're a bit younger than me you're
1:13:40 - 1:13:41
not much younger
1:13:41 - 1:13:53
you don't seem stressed i know you get stressed by you know the kids and stuff sometimes but i think you could just leave live for thousands of years like a vampire like a podcasting vampire
1:13:53 - 1:14:03
sad if all the audience die and then i have to find a new audience if like there's a you know the audience is growing but then there's a time when it starts going down because it
1:14:03 - 1:14:11
we're all like 85 and then it's rude because i'm still taking subscription money off people who are no longer with us
1:14:11 - 1:14:12
thank you very much Max
1:14:12 - 1:14:13
thanks david
1:14:13 - 1:14:16
podcasting vampire bye