0:06 - 0:13
Podcasts, there are millions of them.
0:13 - 0:18
Some might say too many.
0:18 - 0:22
I have one already.
0:22 - 0:24
I don't have any, because there are enough.
0:24 - 0:30
Politics, business, sport, you name it, there's a podcast about it, and they all ask the big questions and cover the hot topics of the day.
0:30 - 0:34
But nobody is covering the most important topic of all.
0:34 - 0:36
Why is that? Are they scared?
0:36 - 0:39
Too afraid of being censored by the man?
0:39 - 0:45
Possibly, but not us. We're here to ask the only question that matters.
0:45 - 0:48
We try and say it at the same time, Max. What did you do yesterday?
0:48 - 0:55
What did you do yesterday? What did you do yesterday? That's it. All we're interested in is what the guests got up to yesterday. Nothing more.
0:55 - 0:57
Day before yesterday, Max?
0:57 - 0:59
The greatest and most interesting day of your life?
0:59 - 1:04
Unless it was yesterday, we don't want to know about it. I'm Max Rushden.
1:04 - 1:06
And I'm David O'Doherty.
1:06 - 1:17
Welcome to What Did You Do Yesterday? Hello and welcome to What Did You Do Yesterday. My name is Max Rushden. Alongside me, David O'Doherty. Welcome, David.
1:17 - 1:19
Genuine Max booking. Although...
1:20 - 1:23
Are you saying... Are you saying you could have booked it? That's what I'm hearing there.
1:23 - 1:35
I'm saying Dan Tiernan is a friend of mine, a wonderful fellow, who yesterday happened to be on your sports radio show.
1:35 - 1:41
And you, again, we cover Hugh Grant and how you have once again failed to book him.
1:41 - 1:45
Hugh is thinking about things, right? He's just waiting for the perfect day. That's what he said to me.
1:45 - 1:54
Dan is... I think I do describe people as unique too much, but it is so appropriate with him.
1:54 - 2:03
He just has an energy that is unlike anyone else that I could think of as comes across in this.
2:03 - 2:13
I mean... There's a chaos. There's an air of chaos, which is so good, isn't it? But there's a real self-awareness of the chaos. I think that's fair to say.
2:13 - 2:20
You know all the chat about the Diary of a CEO episodes and how, yes, the two glasses of wine ruined his week or whatever.
2:21 - 2:29
This is very much the antithesis of that. Please check out Dan's stand-up comedy work.
2:29 - 2:40
He will be doing the Edinburgh Fringe with a show called Quartz and All that's on at half ten for the whole run and then doing an autumn and a winter tour.
2:40 - 2:45
Nothing else really to say, Max, except please enjoy.
2:45 - 2:59
No, except we are now in series four, I believe, and we do have our... We have a new fan club. You don't want to call it a fan club. We haven't worked out what to call it. And by the time this goes out, it will be available.
2:59 - 3:04
You can join and get the bonus content. But at the time of recording, we don't really know how you do that.
3:04 - 3:16
Oh, jeepers. This is the worst. Sometimes I throw to you, thinking such an experienced broadcaster will know how to get across whatever this is.
3:16 - 3:30
We are really excited about it. And this is the... We haven't yet recorded the bit where we officially announce the fan club. And so we're not exactly sure. But we're really excited about it, genuinely. And we'd love you to... It's like the center of the center of the known universe.
3:31 - 3:45
And we understand if you don't want to. And that's also fine. You get to get all the stuff that we've given you, freeloaders. But if you'd like to join us on our journey to the center of the center of the universe, we'd love to just get more than the rest is history.
3:45 - 3:48
Yeah, that's all we ask for. That's all we want.
3:48 - 4:00
But yeah, this... It's more importantly, this is what Dan Tiernan did yesterday. Dan Tiernan, welcome to What Did You Do Yesterday?
4:00 - 4:03
Oh, hello. Hello.
4:03 - 4:15
Dan's been one of my best friends in comedy for, I'm going to say, maybe 27 hours. I'm going to go.
4:16 - 4:37
Well, I've known Dan for a fair while and you will sense a great tension between us because I started in this game before Dan Tiernan was on Baby Bottles, and I had the biggest head in comedy for certainly 20 years.
4:37 - 4:42
And then this guy comes along. I don't know exactly if your head's bigger than mine.
4:42 - 4:53
I think it definitely is. I think it probably was when I was on Baby Bottles. Now, the thing about my head, if I may, I've done a lot of head contests in my time.
4:53 - 4:56
No, like a lot of my friends are big heads.
4:57 - 5:12
My friends even have massive heads or tiny heads, and we found ourselves five in the morning, tape measure out. Let's measure everyone's head. I'm always the front runner. Now, I have a very wide head.
5:12 - 5:15
My friend Ruben has a very long head.
5:15 - 5:26
He gets away with it. His head is actually bigger circumference than mine. I told him that if his head was a venue, it would be bad for comedy because it's very long and tall.
5:26 - 5:32
Well, my head's like Leicester Square Theatre. It's very wide, shallow, low ceiling, you know.
5:32 - 5:38
Now, what I want to know is, because I went on a long mission to once to get Sam Allardyce's head measured.
5:38 - 5:50
And we eventually got one of his players, James Collins, to measure the size of his head. But it was an anti-climax because we didn't know how big a head is. Since you've spent a long time measuring, how big are your and Ruben's heads?
5:50 - 5:52
Oh, I don't have the data.
5:52 - 5:53
That's okay. I understand.
5:53 - 6:03
I don't have the data. I'd say that in my friendship group outside of like comedy, the three big heads, me, Ruben, Paddy Hanger, I've got the biggest heads. And they're big.
6:03 - 6:08
Paddy got called a trophy at school because he's got really big ears.
6:08 - 6:11
And they're really big. Oh, like the FA Cup. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I understood.
6:11 - 6:18
He does. He looks like the FA Cup, to be fair. I reckon let's find our average and double that, and we're probably around.
6:18 - 6:28
I'm also interested in, so yeah, sure. You've got the wide head. I feel I've got good depth and reasonable girth.
6:28 - 6:29
You're like the Apollo.
6:29 - 6:43
Yeah. But then we come to area is what we're talking about. And, you know, I'm primarily an educator. So I like to bring in, Max, you've got a qualification in mathematics, don't you? Can you remember the area of a sphere?
6:43 - 6:45
Do you want area or volume?
6:45 - 6:47
Well, area is volume, isn't it?
6:47 - 6:53
No, area is a two-dimensional thing and volume is a three-dimensional. This is the most intelligent I've ever sounded.
6:53 - 6:56
Have you got some coloring books or a toy I can play with? I'll shoot.
6:56 - 7:02
What we need to do is the next time me and Dad are together, and we'll stop talking about our heads now.
7:02 - 7:12
So we need plaster casts of our heads and then, like Archimedes in his bath, to see how much water you can pour into the perfect mold of the head.
7:12 - 7:14
So that's the real question.
7:14 - 7:16
Yeah, that is the real question.
7:16 - 7:26
How much water can you get in your head? Well, let me tell you, I, as a deeply dehydrated man, not very much. It's deceiving how little water is in this head, I'll tell you.
7:26 - 7:29
Max, get this started. Get this started.
7:29 - 7:32
We can just talk about our heads, I reckon.
7:32 - 7:36
What time did you wake up yesterday morning, please, Dan?
7:36 - 7:37
Whoa, okay. Shit.
7:37 - 7:38
We're in. We're in.
7:38 - 7:47
Well, let me rephrase that with one, I didn't know I was doing this podcast until later on in the day.
7:47 - 7:48
Yeah, come on.
7:48 - 7:59
I'd stayed up very late writing. I was doing Talk Sport with Max and Charlie at 2pm, and I reckon I got up at midday. I'd stayed up, yeah.
8:00 - 8:06
That might be our latest wake up. Jamali was 11am, I think. Midday, that's good.
8:06 - 8:12
Let me be honest, that is not uncommon at all. Like, and if I didn't have Talk Sport, I would have very likely been later.
8:12 - 8:25
Wow. Easily. Normally, I've been up for eight hours, I would say. Seven hours with the children. Now, do you feel, because if I wake up at midday, it's only if I'm jet lagged. I feel absolutely terrible.
8:25 - 8:34
Do you feel good? Do you wake up and you go, midday, bang, it's the morning, I'm alive. It's the morning, bing, it's the afternoon. Wow, this day, like that.
8:34 - 8:48
No, no, no, no, I don't feel great when I wake up. I don't know if that's to do with the time. I don't think I feel great whenever I wake up. But if that sounds bleaker than it is, people say, I'm not a morning person.
8:48 - 8:57
I definitely, I'm my lowest first thing. I wake up and I'm like, ah, fuck, you know, I would have set my alarm for 12.
8:57 - 9:04
Like I'll have stayed up. I think yesterday I felt fine because I'd been doing something productive, because I'd stayed up writing on my show.
9:04 - 9:13
I'm like, and I got like, I got like seven hours. It's more, if I sleep more than eight hours, then I'm like, you lazy fucking pig.
9:13 - 9:23
Right. I mean, I suppose if you're not a morning person, one of the greatest ways is to just not be awake until the afternoon. So like midday is like, well, I'm not a morning person.
9:23 - 9:24
You skip the morning.
9:24 - 9:28
I've been getting away with it for years. Yeah. Yeah. Like you can do it.
9:28 - 9:38
Yeah. It's one of the few jobs. This and owl are the only two jobs that really lend itself. Also, another job that involves having a big head as well.
9:39 - 9:48
And security guard. They have big heads as well. Bouncers. Maybe we crack something here. Maybe big heads are better in the evening.
9:48 - 9:49
But bouncers are always...
9:49 - 9:51
It's hard to get the head out of bed.
9:51 - 9:57
Bouncers are always one big head, one tiny head. That is the bouncer. It's sort of classic big man, little man partnership.
9:57 - 10:00
And it's the tiny head you want to be scared of, I think.
10:00 - 10:01
Of course. Of course.
10:01 - 10:09
So we've woken. Is your immediate thought to put some food and nutrition into this beautiful system?
10:09 - 10:23
Oh God. I shouldn't have done this podcast. Given your reaction to me waking up at 12. I thought I'm in real trouble here. No, God, no. I don't eat in the first part of the day really ever.
10:23 - 10:37
This is crazy. People think I'm lying about this. I will not eat all day. And then in the evening, I'll go, oh my God, I haven't eaten. I'm going to die. I'm deeply unhealthy. So I wake up, I want a coffee and a cigarette. They're the two things I want.
10:37 - 10:37
Do we get them?
10:37 - 10:51
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's why I was five minutes late for your Talksport, because I was getting my coffee. Coffee, cigarette, and then panic. I've got so much to do. I've got a gig this evening.
10:51 - 11:04
I've got so much to do. And then the day just slips away with me kind of panicking, not knowing what to attack, what to do. That's sort of how I live my life. And then I feel like I'm going to die and I eat.
11:04 - 11:06
Wow. Real spoiler alert there.
11:06 - 11:09
Yesterday was a little different, so not too much of a spoiler.
11:09 - 11:21
We need to break this down chronologically. We've woken up at 12. We want a cigarette and a coffee. Would you just light up a smoke? Not in the house. From your bedside table?
11:21 - 11:29
No way. No way. I hate smoking inside. In fact, it's just funny for me to get on my high horse after that. That's actually disgusting.
11:29 - 11:34
This is outrageous. A man has to have rules, for goodness sake.
11:34 - 11:44
Do you think everyone does this honestly? Because yesterday, like when I found out I was doing this podcast, I knew I would be completely honest about what I did.
11:44 - 11:45
Yeah, we think so.
11:45 - 11:48
That made me feel like you two were watching me.
11:48 - 12:02
Because I knew I would tell you exactly what happened. You know, I reckon some people have woken up later. You know, you said Jamali was 11. I wouldn't be surprised if that was one, you know. He knocked back a couple of hours, like when you tell a doctor how much you drink.
12:02 - 12:05
I think there's a bit of that going on. On that note, I think it was half 12.
12:05 - 12:12
See, we just get the truth out of people. We just get the truth. We don't even have to ask questions.
12:12 - 12:24
Yeah, Max, as a doctor, I know, as a fully qualified doctor as I am, I do know that when anyone says anything, you multiply it by two. So he's going to go out for two coffees and two smokes now in a minute.
12:24 - 12:28
So I just need to get the timeline, Dan. So it's midday. So dress straight away.
12:28 - 12:39
Cigarette. No time for coffee in the house. Shower. Then panic. Panic. Trying to remember what I'm doing in the day. You've gone out for a cigarette and then back in.
12:39 - 12:41
You gone out on the street or a little guard?
12:41 - 12:53
Great question. I have a balcony. A cigarette balcony. I've only lived here for, I think, just over six months. Dream of mine to have a balcony. And it does make it very difficult to quit smoking.
12:53 - 13:04
Already very hard, but I have never had a better smoking spot in my life. Actually, I have in Melbourne festival. Me and David were there together, but we weren't staying in the same room.
13:04 - 13:13
I had a balcony that looked over the whole CBD, which was up there, but this my balcony, you've got Arsenal ground, you've got the Emirates right there.
13:13 - 13:19
You've got the Shard, you can see the London Eye, you've got London, and it's a wraparound balcony.
13:19 - 13:29
Did the estate agent say, when they showed you around the flat, did they say, and it's got a wonderful smoking balcony? Is that what it says, you know, it features a smoking balcony?
13:29 - 13:39
Well, I live with comedian Bella Hull, who already lived here, and she very much did say it has got a wonderful smoking balcony because she knew that would be a set up.
13:39 - 13:55
What I've got from this, Max, just with the Emirates thing, Dan's doing pretty well. He lives in a corporate box in the Emirates, and the reason I know this is sometimes, if it's an early kick-off, if Arsenal are playing Spurs or something, the camera will pan up.
13:55 - 13:59
And it's just him in his undies, just having a smoke as he looks down.
13:59 - 14:02
Yes, looking really pissed off. Livid.
14:02 - 14:15
If it is a midday kick-off, they just say the kick-off's been delayed because Dan hasn't got up yet; we don't want to wake him. They're just doing kick-ups, everyone's got to be quiet. Shh, everybody quiet.
14:15 - 14:25
I reckon they give me an applause; they see me up, and there's one of those lighters like when you see someone warming up on the subs bench. It's not complete excitement, it's like he's up, he's up.
14:25 - 14:35
Okay, hang on, I have a question there. Do you just go out in your sleeping gear to have the smoke, or is it a balcony you need to dress up for?
14:35 - 14:51
Depends who is in the flat, I would say. So, if I can sense pretty early on the flat's empty, then we're talking weather. So, if the flat is completely empty, I'll go t-shirt and boxers on the floor; I'll go t-shirt on the balcony if there's people in.
14:51 - 14:58
If it's like any of my flatmates' boyfriends are in, we don't know each other well enough, I'm putting a dressing gown on in that scenario, you know what I mean?
14:58 - 14:59
What were we yesterday?
14:59 - 15:07
Like I say, yesterday was definitely panic, so it will have been exercise shorts and a t-shirt, I reckon no socks.
15:07 - 15:12
Yeah, the weather was bad as well. I would say, and what's our coffee then?
15:12 - 15:15
Is our coffee just kettle on, or are we getting dressed and going to a nice cafe?
15:15 - 15:32
There's a really nice on the way to Arsenal tube station called, let me just check. It's one of those coffee shops that doesn't have like any real signage, and it kind of like is open a pathetic amount of hours where you're like, how do you make any money?
15:32 - 15:43
Well, I say that it probably opens very early in the morning. I've just realised, yeah, and I don't go past it at that time for me. Yeah, in my head I'm like, it opens three hours. They're the hours I'm awake, right?
15:43 - 15:51
It's Summit Gillespie near Arsenal tube station, so I normally go there after I've left. I'm a bit of a knob about coffee.
15:51 - 15:52
Oh, welcome.
15:52 - 16:00
I wouldn't normally talk about it. It's not like I'm having interest in it. I just, I like to have. Like a nice cup of coffee first thing,
16:00 - 16:13
Are you still in the workout gear? And just so you know, and please don't correct me, in my mind when you say workout gear, I'm imagining a singlet and fluorescent green cycling shorts that you've gone out for the smoke.
16:13 - 16:14
What's a singlet?
16:14 - 16:15
A vest. A vest?
16:15 - 16:24
No, vest. I'm not, I don't do vests. They suit my character, but I just don't find them comfortable. Like, it's something about the armpit. The air on the armpits is not for me.
16:24 - 16:33
Yeah, yeah, it's flappy, isn't it? I think you have to really have like quite firm pecs, yeah, to really feel like you're fine in a vest, and that is not me.
16:33 - 16:39
Like, I never really, I try not to judge people on their fashion, but when my mates wear vests, I can't explain it.
16:39 - 16:50
Even if they're just in their house, I find it rude. I don't know why. I'm just saying, who do you think you are? Like, wearing that?
16:50 - 17:04
I don't know. I could see if I was a barista, okay. maybe my look then I'd have a sort of beanie that sat at the back of my head and a vest and maybe dungarees over it you know I think that would be my barista
17:04 - 17:09
look well this is absolutely what they wear at Gillespie's the place
17:09 - 17:14
I knew it just from the vibe. You've got dressed, you've gone to Gillespie's.
17:14 - 17:25
Well, first, what I've done is I'll go, right, what am I doing today? Shit, shit, shit. And I'm like, I won't reveal that because it's spoilers, but then I'm like, right, I probably want to.
17:25 - 17:31
Bring my laptop with me. Then I realise my main rucksack is at a mate, so I'm rucksackless.
17:31 - 17:41
It made it sound like you had a selection of rucksacks, you know, the main rucksack, and then, you know, my junior rucksack, and then my casual rucksack.
17:41 - 17:49
Good point, good point. I think, as David will know, maybe you will as well, Max, a rucksack, I think particularly for a comedian, is quite a, you definitely use them more than most people. I think my corporate mates, I don't know if they're rucksacking around quite as much as us.
17:49 - 17:50
I'm rucksacking everywhere.
17:50 - 17:51
Okay, okay, I'm sorry I underestimated you.
17:51 - 17:51
No, that's ok.
17:51 - 17:54
Well it was just the way that you mocked main rucksack, okay, he doesn't get it. Let me..
17:54 - 18:01
Well no I was more impressed that you had a selection. You know like this is the This is the main reception room, and then we have a smaller breakfast room out the back.
18:01 - 18:08
So, I actually, that was misleading. I don't have a selection. What will happen is I will wear a rucksack into the ground or lose it, and then I will get another main rucksack. So I only have one main rucksack. But recently, I don't where it's gone, I had a really crappy horrible rucksack, and I just thought I'm going to buy a carhartt, like a nice rucksack, and I think I took myself about 20% more seriously from that day onwards, you know?
18:08 - 18:12
Dan, many years ago in the world of comedy, there was a tension between the older generation of comedians. who were more about you know boozing and staying up all night. And the younger lot, which would been the flight of the conchords,
18:12 - 18:28
And me and Dimitri Martin and Josie Long and Daniel Kitson, one of the older guys, once was, what's up with all of them? And it was like, who? And he was trying to refer to us as a group, and he said, the lads with the bags, because.
18:28 - 18:43
I actually think it was because we were always working on our shows or working on weird ideas, so we carried a lot of gear with us, as opposed to the hard living previous generation, who all they knew, all they needed, was a wallet to buy a few pints.
18:43 - 18:58
Yeah, and they've had the same 20 for like ever. But is it also like, I would guess, were you maybe driving less? Was that part of it? More sort of the younger whippersnappers more getting trains more as well?
18:58 - 19:01
So you're rucksacking more? That was one theory.
19:01 - 19:13
Maybe I do also remember the, because we just wouldn't be on for staying up till five in the morning at a pub lock-in as much as they were. I mean, I do it a bit. We were also nicknamed.
19:13 - 19:19
The chocolate milkshake gang, because someone had once been seen with a chocolate milkshake.
19:19 - 19:24
And who was this? Was this Eddie Large saying this? Who's saying this? Norman Wisdom?
19:24 - 19:31
You do sound quite lame, I can't lie. And this, that generated very much paved the way for like what I'm.
19:31 - 19:45
I think I'm now a hybrid. I think I'm a rucksack comedian who will have his water bottle and his laptop and his different colour notebooks, but will also stay in the pub till 5am and then.
19:45 - 19:48
Then we'll have the chocolate milkshake before bed. I reckon,
19:48 - 19:51
what coffee are we having? Did we get to that?
19:51 - 20:00
What are we ordering at the cafe? Yeah, so firstly, I've left, so then panic, a lot of panic. First thing for me, what am I wearing? I'm like thinking.
20:00 - 20:08
About my day. I don't have a rucksack, so I can't bring up my options. I'm always in a rush, so sometimes I'll be like, right, just put these trousers on for now.
20:08 - 20:19
And then bang a few others in the bag as well. But I've pulled together an outfit. I'm always on a washing deficit. I always like I'm behind with washing, so I've limited options of stuff to wear. But then.
20:19 - 20:30
I kind of have enough clothes that I like that I feel like I shouldn't have to wear stuff that I don't like, but I'm not organised enough to wash it. So in the morning, I go through this sort of thing. When I say morning, in the afternoon.
20:30 - 20:36
I go through this thing every day where I'm like, I simply cannot wear that. But then what?
20:36 - 20:45
You know, Max, I love the idea of in the morning going out with like several pairs of trousers and tops in a bag for just better bling black tie.
20:45 - 20:59
In case you get invited to a garden party or something, you need a main rucksack now because there's a top hat in it, and you're like, well, I can only fit this enormous massive rucksack with a suit of armour, your football kit, just some casual slacks as well.
20:59 - 21:02
That's a big top hat, let me tell you.
21:02 - 21:10
Yeah, those comments that mark rucksack costumes, what are they going to do if they get called upon to play like 11 aside? You know what I mean? I'm ready to go,
21:10 - 21:15
so it's a risky day. You've got one outfit. and one outfit only what do you choose
21:15 - 21:22
one outfit which also has issues and no bag so I've got phone charger in my pocket I don't like that it hurts my leg yeah
21:22 - 21:23
it's cumbersome
21:23 - 21:29
yeah it's very cumbersome it is luckily one of the ones that like It's the more expensive iPhone charger.
21:29 - 21:30
Oh, do the prongs fold?
21:30 - 21:31
The prongs fold in.
21:31 - 21:33
Oh, he's doing alright,
21:33 - 21:44
which is nice, because even if you swap the prongs around to the other side and they're not touching your leg for some reason, it still is uncomfortable. Even if they're pushing the outside of the jeans,
21:44 - 21:56
now I'm sensing you really want to get me out of the house now and move things on. Max is aware. Max is like, we've not even got to 2 PM, but I guess normally 2 PM would be quite late on. In people's stories,
21:56 - 22:04
yeah, quite often we haven't got past 7:30 AM after half an hour, so this is good. We've got loads of time to focus on plug sockets in jean pockets.
22:04 - 22:10
Dan, are you holding the laptop out in front of you like someone going to school in little House on the Prairie?
22:10 - 22:15
it's the sort of thing I would have done when I was younger, and I've learned that there are limits.
22:16 - 22:20
like I'm all for thinking outside the box, but you cannot just bring a loose laptop out with you.
22:20 - 22:22
So how are you carrying it?
22:22 - 22:24
I leave laptop. I have to leave laptop.
22:24 - 22:35
If you go out somewhere, you're going just to like a cafe down the road and you're just laptop in its laptop case, you do feel a little bit more business. You do feel like I'm just a business guy. I'm literally. Just a laptop guy,
22:35 - 22:48
but I bet you have a Mac, and that feels business. When you're doing it with an HP laptop from 2019, it doesn't feel like business. It feels like you're going to the pawn shop to pay for your electricity.
22:48 - 22:54
You've got a desktop. You've got a BBC Micro. You're carrying it like this just to play frack in the cafe.
22:54 - 23:03
I spilled a gin and tonic on my third MacBook, and I decided I couldn't have a MacBook again, so I bought this. Was years ago I thought I'll buy a desktop.
23:03 - 23:15
So then it stays in the house, but I was when I was younger and I was skint, and I did all my writing on it. So for the Edinburgh Fringe one year, I bought my desktop with me in a bag for life to the Fringe on the train..
23:16 - 23:31
amazing desktop in a plastic bag. Even if it's like a big little bag for life, it's like a 100% murderer thing to do just to be in the cafe. I would just preemptively bring the police attention to this man. He has murdered someone.
23:31 - 23:38
I'm better these days. I am better, but there's lots of things I do that are deeply suspicious. Like if you see me,
23:38 - 23:46
but what a power play on a train. Someone opposite you gets out their little MacBook Air, and you just go, alright, and you put it out the desktop. Bang,
23:46 - 23:51
modem. You set your modem up on the phone to Virgin, like setting up the Wi-Fi.
23:51 - 23:57
What really undermines it is when the Windows 95 theme music comes on. Then,
23:57 - 24:00
yeah, you've got Clippy kicking off.
24:00 - 24:02
Have we left the house yet?
24:02 - 24:06
Wait, well, there's one more thing actually. I take.
24:06 - 24:19
I don't really know why I did this. I'm kind of on ADHD meds, then I run out of them, and I have to get a prescription because I'm not on my meds. I don't have the motivation to sort out the prescription, so it's this loop.
24:19 - 24:34
I get myself into. So then the other day, I was like walk past Holland and Barrett. Someone was like, I'll try some of this hippie shit everyone goes on about. So the reason I'm telling you is I bought some like 5HTP and magnesium and some ashwagandha.
24:34 - 24:47
And I took them yesterday for the first time, so that's just important for you to know that. And then I leave the house wearing an uncooler coordinated outfit. Not best happy, but then.
24:47 - 25:00
As I'm leaving, I start to feel pretty good, and I'm like, I feel serotonin. And I'm like, which is a sensation I'm used to having when I leave the house on my ADHD meds. I like leave panic, take the meds, the meds kick in, and I'm like.
25:00 - 25:12
Oh actually, I feel good, and I'm gonna fucking, I woke up late, but I'm gonna smash today. Like, and I had a bit of that feeling yesterday as I was leaving the house, so I was like maybe these herbal things are the future.
25:12 - 25:18
So I get the coffee. I say, can I have a caramel flat white? And they said, we don't do syrups here.
25:18 - 25:22
Good, good, we need to work beyond the syrups.
25:22 - 25:36
I think I go through phases. I'm getting a bit syrupy in my flat white recently. It started off as a treat on a low day, and now it's becoming a bit like the regular order because it is banging. Caramel flat white, oh goodness!
25:36 - 25:39
So you just have a regular flat white instead?
25:39 - 25:40
Just a regular flat white.
25:40 - 25:43
Do you have it to go? Or do you have it in store?
25:43 - 25:47
I have it to go. I have it to go. I'm on the bounce. I'm late. I'm late at this point.
25:47 - 25:48
Where are we going?
25:48 - 25:49
Little things take me a very long time.
25:49 - 25:51
Yeah, I think we've established that.
25:51 - 26:06
They take me a very long time, so I'm late. Now I'm really late. If I don't have time for a coffee, I'll get a Red Bull from the little kiosk shop by Arsenal station. And there's a guy there that is very nice, but very NPC.
26:06 - 26:20
So he sort of says, like, good morning, you alright? Yeah, have a good day in one sentence, and that's all I've ever heard him say, is those exact words. So he said that to me as I walked past. I looked at him with a coffee.
26:20 - 26:27
and he's like okay yeah he's not Red Bulling today fair enough then I'm on the tube to London Bridge
26:27 - 26:31
to do the Talksport interview with Max and Charlie
26:31 - 26:40
do you ever come into the people's day yeah because I imagine you've booked off the back of that thing before so I'm probably not that special
26:40 - 26:51
David has and it becomes you know it's quite tricky it's like the doc seeing the doc in back to the future because we don't want to know about David's day this is all about your day Dan I am a small part
26:51 - 26:58
Of this day, but I'm not unless it comes up. I will only talk about it from your point of view. People are not interested in it now,
26:58 - 27:04
the intrigue, because there's clearly things I'd love to know. It's like when you watch one of those dramas.
27:04 - 27:14
And there's another episode, and you see the same day from the other person's, and you're like, whoa, that's why they were acting like that. You know, that's why they mistakenly said Dan was an Arsenal fan. Right, okay.
27:14 - 27:17
Yeah, yeah, we'll get to that. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
27:17 - 27:23
Look, I've had this a couple of times in the past where I have been part of people's yesterday, and I will admit now.
27:23 - 27:36
I mean, Max, you didn't have as much of an opportunity to play a role in it because you're in Los Angeles, and Dan was in London. So you didn't have, when I was hanging with Amy Annette, I was thinking, you know, if I hid her phone now.
27:36 - 27:40
I could play a huge role in her yesterday tomorrow.
27:40 - 27:46
Yeah, you can massively influence the story. Yeah, you didn't have much opportunity to do that.
27:46 - 27:56
I did, and also at the time of the interview, I didn't know I was going to enjoy the interview and think. I should book this guy for what did you do yesterday later.
27:56 - 28:04
No one knows I'm doing what did you do yesterday at this point. No one knows, no one knows that. So we're free, we're free, we're free at this point from judgement from the future.
28:04 - 28:21
So get to London Bridge Station. I have a nightmare with that news centre where your radio show is. I've done quite a few stuff there. I bombed particularly hard on a time Sunday radio thing about politics once in there, and I always think that.
28:21 - 28:30
I'm doing it with Harriet Kemsey, and I think I don't know what was going on in my head. I think it was back in the day where I used to smoke weed. I don't smoke it anymore, but a period in my life where I used to smoke it.
28:30 - 28:40
Constantly, and I just used to make lots of money, lots of sort of lazy bad decisions. They said do prep, and I just sort of scanned the text like right beforehand.
28:40 - 28:55
It was really serious and opened this really serious complicated story, and then said, so Dan Tiernan joins me today. Dan, what do you think? Like, you know, in the way they ask politicians, that's fever dream, isn't it? It's a few years ago as well.
28:55 - 29:12
So I already have Impostors and Joan being there. She said, Dan Tiernan joins me today, award-winning comedian. Dan, how do you think satire is being affected by chatgpt? And I was like, did not understand the question whatsoever. Didn't understand the story, so then I go, wow, yeah.
29:12 - 29:26
I mean, it's funny, isn't it? Like, I say that sentence just to buy time, and then I just look at Harriet as I'm going, yeah, and I go, I look at her like, fucking help me. It was like that thing that I think a comic knows.
29:26 - 29:30
The look in someone's eyes of sheer, like, she just jumped in basically.
29:30 - 29:41
It's great. It's quite interesting from that perspective because when you're doing the show, obviously 10 minutes before you're talking about, I don't know, I think we were talking to a journalist about the referee not being allowed.
29:41 - 29:53
Into the USA and being sent back to Somalia. So you're doing this story, you're not really thinking what's next. I probably haven't prepped enough for the show because it's a 5 AM start, and I'm still jet lagged, and it's just like, what's next? This person talking about this.
29:53 - 30:00
Fine, I'll look at that in the ad break and go, okay, this is happening. And they come in and they do their bit, and they go away, and at the end of it, you're a bit like, yeah, they were a bit dry, weren't they? You're not really.
30:00 - 30:12
Considering what their day is like at all. You're just like, come on and be good for 10 minutes on whatever subject it is, and you don't have any interest on whether they've had a good day and they've come on, or they're well prepped, or they're not.
30:12 - 30:18
You're just like, bing, be good, be good, be good, be good, be good. And at the end, be like, oh yeah, I liked that bit, didn't like that bit. Anyway, good show, see you, bye.
30:18 - 30:22
Yeah, you're just thinking of them in a binary of like, were they crap. Or were they good, really?
30:22 - 30:36
particularly when it's a very short interview. One question, like one first question, if you don't think they're gonna ask you that, can really throw you off. I think like I've learned a lot from that and some other instances, particularly in short interviews.
30:36 - 30:44
I used to be quite like purist, like think like, oh no, I just need to be myself, and I realized that you can loosely prep and still be yourself.
30:45 - 30:51
doing like your interview yesterday, I'm like, I've got like five or six things that I might mention.
30:51 - 31:02
If they come up, you know, like not being like this is the exact thing I'm gonna say, but like have a few loose things and kind of like, don't let any dead air on your end, particularly when it's live radio.
31:02 - 31:03
I think I'm really hoping.
31:03 - 31:17
Max just asks you absolute bastard questions Max will be like do you think we underestimate the role of class in football or something and you've got a funny joke about Bosnia-Herzegovina
31:17 - 31:26
yeah exactly. No, every one's very chill there doesn't feel like there's much expectation when you've got a comic on it just feels like
31:26 - 31:27
just have a nice time yeah
31:27 - 31:35
yeah yeah it's just like you'd probably be in having like some like reasonably serious chats some like quite like football chats
31:35 - 31:38
yeah not that I mean me and Charlie I think we started
31:38 - 31:56
about football barcode footballers, and then people just send in puns on barcode footballers. Like Bradley Barcoda and, you know, Emre Scan. The best is someone says Unknown item in the bagging areola. And then Charlie says don't google bagging areola. And then lots of people google that
31:56 - 32:06
And then send us horrible pictures. Okay, so I'm mistaken in this situation. I am actually highbrow. I'm intellectual elite, like I'm coming in.
32:06 - 32:15
You're like when they get the BBC South America correspondent on to talk about Venezuela or something. You're top class, and it goes well.
32:15 - 32:21
Sorry, I am allowed to ask these questions because you were both there. You feel Max did a good job, Dan?
32:21 - 32:29
Yeah, I did not that you need me to say this, but small world. So Bella Hull, who I live with, her boyfriend, they've not been going out long.
32:29 - 32:38
Joey DeRusso, I think is his name. Is it? Is a football journalist, and he had coincidentally just been on your show as well. Yeah, right before me, and we didn't know.
32:38 - 32:40
Oh, that's his coincidence. Yeah, he's great.
32:40 - 32:47
So then he texted me, and I said they're great interviewers. Aren't they? And he said yes. So I have that in writing that we both
32:48 - 32:54
but at this point, I do know that I'm going to be telling you that today. So it's all, you know,
32:54 - 32:56
it's bona fide. Yeah, that's fine
32:56 - 33:05
if Dan had met. Joey in the studio. Joey wouldn't have recognized Dan, so Dan would have had to pull off all his clothes down to his underpants because he's only ever met him going for
33:05 - 33:07
a light, a cigarette.
33:07 - 33:08
Yeah, Dan, great to see you.
33:08 - 33:10
You're up early, aren't you, mate?
33:10 - 33:23
No, it's important for the tape because the head of TalkSport listens to this. Is that I don't then spend the next hour while I'm doing the show getting your details or finding on Instagram and saying do you want to come on while I'm meant to be concentrating.
33:23 - 33:37
On talking to Jim Proudfoot about the weather in Dallas or whatever I'm doing. But that is what's happening for the tape, is that I think David sent a message going I've said oh, I've just had this guy on the show and he's good. Why don't we get. Him tomorrow?
33:37 - 33:43
And David's like yeah, sure. And so I'm like okay, so then I Instagram you. Do you want to do the show?
33:43 - 33:49
Dan, let me give you a little bit of background to this. In the past, I have booked a lot of the guests for this.
33:49 - 33:53
That's absolute scandal, that is a scandalous suggestion.
33:53 - 34:07
And Max has this thing where like I'll list 10 people that I can ask to do it, and Max just says I can ask Hugh Grant because he once was in a taxi with Hugh Grant over 10 years ago, and somehow he thinks I don't know how.
34:07 - 34:22
He thinks he's going to track Grant down, but whenever he brings up Hugh Grant, I know he is not going to book a guest. Then when he says I could get Dan Tiernan, I'm like are you joking me? This is like an actual booking. This is incredible.
34:22 - 34:23
He will 100% do it.
34:23 - 34:26
Yeah, I'm like you're the Timu Hugh Grant.
34:26 - 34:38
Yeah, it's a spectrum. Really, on one end you've got Hugh Grant, on the other end you've got Dan Tiernan. When he says Hugh Grant, you're like well he's not going to get him, so I better book.
34:38 - 34:43
Someone. When he says Dan Tiernan, you're like well let's try a few others and then maybe.
34:43 - 34:49
So anyway, so you walk out, you leave TalkSport, and you're free. This is when you're now free,
34:49 - 35:02
so I go Cafe Nero. I don't have a notepad with me. Because of no bag, which is annoying because normally I'm going to like I do morning pages. Usually, I try and do it every day. Well, like right, it's often not in the morning.
35:02 - 35:04
No, afternoon pages.
35:04 - 35:18
Yeah, yeah, it's often evening pages. That was a big thing. For me, where I wouldn't do it because I'd be like well you missed it, and then I was like well you can do it. It's still better to do it like in the evening or whatever, but normally I'll do morning pages and then like write.
35:18 - 35:30
A list of like everything I need to do and then a few feasible things I can do in the time I've got, and then I'll normally do not all of them. I'm running out of time. I don't do that, so I do that mentally and. I decide
35:30 - 35:39
you can't do morning pages mentally. The whole idea is that you write it down. I don't know the rules of morning pages. You can't just sit there and be like
35:39 - 35:46
a good worksman never blames his tools, David. You know what I mean? Like, you can't make. The most of what you've got.
35:46 - 35:57
What I want is you borrow a sharpie from someone in Cafe Nero. You pull off that t-shirt and you just start like Memento, just writing random stuff across your own butt
35:57 - 36:01
like in blood on the coffee cup. That's what you're after.
36:01 - 36:06
They point to a sign. No, in blood. Morning pages in this Cafe Nero,
36:06 - 36:17
sure, but I'd already died on my ass enough doing that Sunday Times radio podcast near the news building that I didn't want to draw in my own shit on my.
36:17 - 36:32
Body that near, you know, before I definitely won't get back. So then I decide that in the time I have, a lot of things in the mental list are like I wanted to go and get a shave and a haircut
36:32 - 36:36
For the tape, it doesn't appear like you Managed that.
36:36 - 36:41
I'm just saying I decided to go to a magic shop instead.
36:41 - 36:52
Now, Dan, have these hippie ADHD meds? Are they working or is this the greatest evidence that there's ever been that in fact they are not working?
36:52 - 36:57
Oh, the pills are feeling awesome at. This point, I should say that
36:57 - 37:00
absolutely I have a limited time. I need a wand
37:00 - 37:09
pretty much. I don't want to give too much away. My Edinburgh show, like fine, I did it in Melbourne, but I'm like adding all the finishing touches and.
37:09 - 37:21
Everything, it's about crystals, like healing crystals, and I want a big magical finale that I'm working on. And I've got like a mate who's a magician who's like taught me how to do some stuff, but.
37:21 - 37:31
Then there's some other things that I thought the best thing for me to do is to go to a magic shop and ask for their advice, basically. And that was like the perfect day for me to do it. Really,
37:31 - 37:40
is a magic shop like a pharmacy? There's a sign and it says like magician on call, and you can go into a little room and get the morning after pill off them.
37:40 - 37:48
You go in, you say, can I speak to the magician please? And then someone's like, oh, I'm not qualified to do the. Magic. I just start the shows.
37:48 - 37:53
That's why you brought the top hat, so you could wear it just to show that you too are a magician.
37:53 - 38:08
Well, yeah, I mean when I go in there, it's quite clear to me that there is that dynamic, that there's the big. The big expert boss and then another guy who seems a bit out of his depth, bless him. I go in and there's a few magicians sort of skulking around.
38:08 - 38:13
This is great, the great Suprendo, Paul Daniels, they're all there, Penn and Teller.
38:13 - 38:14
I was a magician.
38:14 - 38:32
When I was young, when I was 12 to 18, before I did comedy. A really bad one, but I can spot a magician or when I find out that someone's a magician, I'm like, of course you are. They're very clean, they're similar to comics, but they're much cleaner and slicker.
38:32 - 38:36
And they were all in a magic shop as well. That's important.
38:36 - 38:45
Also, one of them had a lady that had been cut into three, had her on a hand trolley. He was like, I can't put her back together, can you guys help me with this?
38:45 - 38:48
Yeah, their girlfriends. Have backward legs
38:48 - 38:59
and there are doves just flying about everywhere and just rabbits all over the place, of course there are. Alright, so do you make a beeline for the head honcho? This guy,
38:59 - 39:04
this guy, this head honcho who I'm like, this guy I could tell instantly.
39:04 - 39:24
This guy could help me like so much, but this guy is livid, like he's fuming, not with me, but with fucking everything. So when I first go in, he's going to his sort of second in command. He goes, the bar should call that over there. He goes.
39:24 - 39:39
The big one. So then his assistant guy grabs like a jumbo. He goes, not the jumbo, the big deck. And I can see a massive giant deck of cards, and I'm thinking it's that one. He goes, but it's so big that the guy can't see it almost.
39:39 - 39:57
He's like the fucking massive fucking, and then I realize that this is just very much the energy of this store. This guy is an expert, but he's just so pissed off with all these objects and like the staff and the organization, and no one books ahead.
39:57 - 40:11
And he's just like fuming, you know? And then I chat to a nice magician who he'd seen my comedy before, so we chatted to him. So that was nice because then I told him what I was doing, and that was like a nice sort of warm-up.
40:11 - 40:27
So then he gave me some suggestions, and then I managed to get the head honcho in, who then just started angrily speaking gibberish to me. He's like, yeah, well, you need a fucking topic, don't you? You need a topic, and I'm like, okay, what does that?
40:27 - 40:41
Is that Google topic? So then I'm googling it, and then he's like, he's looking at my phone, and he's like shouting. And then all the magicians are like joining in, being like, alright, why don't you do the levitate everything mechanic? He's like, no, that's shit.
40:41 - 40:55
We don't have any, like, this is an hour by the way, and like there's all sorts of mad chats I don't actually want to say because say it reveals a lot of what like I want to do for the end. He gives me loads of like mad.
40:55 - 41:10
Like ideas, but he also he doesn't want to sell me anything, so he's like, well, just do that. Just buy a vape, inverse the vape, buy a pot from a fish aquarium tank. He's honestly saying this stuff, and I'm like, so great. I'm like, this is the guy.
41:10 - 41:21
You know, this guy is giving me everything Chat GPT couldn't. Like this is like a fountain of this knowledge that I've been sweating on, like trying to work out. Someone just say that, tell me how to do it. He's like, Google it, get your phone out.
41:21 - 41:31
He's just like shouting at me, and I got really overwhelmed, so I was like, I need to, I'm just going to go for a cigarette. And he went, I'll come with you, which I wasn't expecting. And then.
41:31 - 41:45
This is the only moment I saw her happy. He got his cigarette box out, went, oh no, I've got no fucking fags. And then he went, and the cigarette box magically full of cigarettes. And there was like a tiny,
41:45 - 41:46
stop it, stop it,
41:46 - 41:49
I swear to God. There was a tiny bit of joy on his face.
41:49 - 41:52
Wow, he's just always on. This guy is always on.
41:52 - 42:01
No, no, but what it told me is he'd been so unhappy for this hour because really he loves magic, and the five seconds where he actually did some magic.
42:01 - 42:14
Was there was just a bit of joy, and I was like, oh, this is where the stress comes from because this thing, this guy can clearly make any trick. He's got everything, he doesn't get to do it.
42:14 - 42:28
It's always really hard, and he's too busy, and there's not the time. I feel like if this guy had more time, he would be delighted to like slowly tell me exactly what to do and stuff. But it's just so funny being like, if you go to anywhere else.
42:28 - 42:46
In the world, like any other establishment, and you say, hello, I'm a stand-up comedian, and I'm writing a show about healing crystals, and in order to complete the message, I want to float around the room and make a crystal float and disappear into a load of smoke.
42:46 - 42:57
Anyone else will go, wow, okay. But instead, he's like, you need a topic, you need a mic, you don't have to. He just doesn't give a fuck. That's nothing to him. That is not special or anything.
42:57 - 43:05
I was loving the prospect there of a fight In the magic shop, just with all of the magicians, just start a massive rumble with each other.
43:05 - 43:14
Well, it was, it was pretty aggy, David. They were like roasting each other a lot, but you know when you're like everyone's been very nasty to each other here.
43:14 - 43:29
And they're disguising it as a joke, but they're not comics, so the jokes aren't funny. Because magicians are like kind of like bad comedians. Some of them are good at comedy, but most of them try and do comedy but badly, so they're doing like shit roast jokes.
43:29 - 43:39
On each other, and I'm like this is horrible. One, when he says you need to get your mate to drill a hole in the crystal about the size of your thumb, and then he looked at my hands and went, so girl size then.
43:39 - 43:48
And all the magicians laughed because that is a big to say. I've got big small thumbs is such a slam for a magician because like magicians want big hands.
43:48 - 43:56
I love this, it's like sort of football banter, magicians football banter. Where'd you get your wand from? Stupid wand land, your wand wanker.
43:56 - 44:09
And what's mad is I've always been like not self-conscious. I've always been very aware that I have tiny hands, but it never gets brought up ever. I think a lot of the hand went to the head, basically, that's what happened.
44:09 - 44:17
When I, it's so funny that the first person to roast me on my hands was a magician, just to be like, yeah girl size.
44:17 - 44:25
Dan, do you get the information you need from this? I don't know what the term for a group of magicians is.
44:25 - 44:26
I get some.
44:26 - 44:41
Useful information. I might try a different store to be honest because I'm going to practice the methods he suggested, see how I get on. There's all sorts of things like I bought some props, but then he's like, he's just chatting so quickly, he's like you go online.
44:41 - 44:52
You get the download link, and I can't. A lot of the tutorials are like DVD, so I'm like do I really want to buy a DVD? And then I found one last night, a tutorial for a proper bot, but it's PayPal. I don't have a PayPal.
44:52 - 44:58
So there's all this kind of stuff. It's a big step in the right direction. I'm glad I went.
44:58 - 45:06
it's a big step, but now I'm going to have to practice some quite complex magic for a routine I've invented, and crucially, I'm not a magician.
45:06 - 45:20
And I really need to sort of check is the show at a point where I can focus on this and not that, and I don't know if it's there yet. Can I do both? I'm not sure. It also might be that I do the illusion.
45:20 - 45:34
And it just doesn't fit in the show. You don't know until you do it. I might be like, oh this just doesn't work for the stand-up show, and I'll have, you know, spent £500 on props and three months of my life learning how to use.
45:34 - 45:36
A fucking top hit, whatever that is.
45:36 - 45:42
Everyone's googling top hit now. This is a phenomenal day. Where do we go after magic?
45:42 - 45:51
So then we leave the magic shop, and I instantly hear bye then mate, and I turn around and I bumped into Luke McQueen.
45:51 - 45:52
Oh great, yeah.
45:52 - 45:55
He's a star of the Lou Sanders episode, I believe.
45:55 - 45:56
They used to live together,
45:56 - 46:01
maybe that's why he'd heard that I was doing this, and he was like I need to get in there.
46:01 - 46:15
Him and Daniel, Daniel Kitson is basically in every episode, and yeah, I don't know. If the guy actually exists, that's where we are with this. Like he's just, everyone will eventually end up doing something with Daniel Kitson. He's running this podcast without running this podcast.
46:15 - 46:19
Maybe if I'd have gone to get a new backpack, then he'd have been in there.
46:19 - 46:25
Do we go for a pint? I mean, you've only been up for three hours, it's a bit early. You haven't had anything to eat.
46:25 - 46:36
I said I'm very unhealthy, I'm not eating. Yeah, I've had a lot of food, I've had two coffees, a lot of cigarettes. And I've bought, I've bought a top, it and some invisible string. That's my day.
46:36 - 46:38
Where do we go for a pint?
46:38 - 46:39
There's a pub opposite.
46:40 - 46:45
He's got an hour and a half to kill. I've got an hour and a half until my train.
46:45 - 46:56
I know at this point I'm not going to have time to get a beard trim and a haircut. I am now starving, yeah, and I do think I should probably eat, but.
46:56 - 47:02
I want to have a pie with Luke McQueen. I want to have a pie, and when I have one pint, my hunger goes away as well, which is obviously very unhealthy, but.
47:02 - 47:12
It is a short term solution, nevertheless. So we have two pints. Luke has a pint and a half. You know, I said I'll be honest, he has a pint and a half.
47:12 - 47:24
I obviously spend the whole time telling Luke about the magic store incident in great detail. And then go to Paddington Station. Is this where I tell you where I'm going?
47:24 - 47:27
Yeah, where are we going?
47:27 - 47:29
I have a corporate for,
47:29 - 47:31
50 marketing
47:31 - 47:34
thousand pounds. 50,000 pounds.
47:34 - 47:37
Knock a few notes off that, will you?
47:37 - 47:41
To the listeners, a corporate is the most.
47:41 - 47:56
Or one of the most lucrative comedy gigs you can do, because it's generally being booked by a company to do it. But very often, also the hardest gigs, so you're just getting danger money to die on your arse. I'm not saying that's going to happen here.
47:56 - 48:00
But we will find out in a while. Where are we? Where are we going from Paddington?
48:00 - 48:01
We're going to Newbury.
48:01 - 48:02
There's horse racing there,
48:02 - 48:04
is there? I don't know anything about it.
48:04 - 48:06
It's near Swindon, isn't it? Is it near Swindon?
48:06 - 48:20
I don't know. I briefly mentioned it. To my mum the other day, and she went, oh, home counties full of wankers. That's all I know about. She didn't say full of wankers, she said something like, oh, it's one of those home county wanky sort of places, I think is what she said.
48:20 - 48:20
The big story.
48:20 - 48:37
Was the Newbury bypass, and I think the Newbury bypass was being built. I think that's where Swampy, the environmentalist, sort of tied himself to a tree. I may have got different news stories muddled up. That's the big Newbury, apart from the 315 at Newbury. Bet on number 6, you know.
48:37 - 48:45
Willow's hat at 4 to 1. It was very much the Newbury bypass and Swampy, but that was maybe 25 years ago.
48:45 - 48:49
What group are you doing this gig for then, Dan?
48:49 - 49:10
So this is for 50 marketing executives, like marketing, like companies for Channel 4. So basically, all of the people that pay Channel 4 to put adverts on Channel 4. So it's for Channel 4, but for marketing executives, and there's some of, like a lot of, like Channel 4 sales team.
49:10 - 49:12
In the room as well.
49:12 - 49:13
Tough. Sounds tough.
49:13 - 49:24
Yeah, it's not Newbury station I get off on, because my ticket has been booked for me as a different station. There's a car picking me up, and Catherine Bohart, who's on the gig with me, she's meant to be.
49:24 - 49:37
We're both getting picked up, but then I arrive, and I'm just in a train station in the middle of nowhere, completely on my own. No one's there. My contact doesn't answer, and I'm like, oh god, is this a disaster?
49:37 - 49:40
You've got no rucksack. You've got no change of clothes
49:40 - 49:43
, just a spool of invisible string is all you have.
49:43 - 49:52
I can earn money. I've got a trade. I've got invisible string and a topper. I get myself in a lot of pickles. It won't shock you to know this is nowhere near.
49:52 - 50:06
On the pickle-o-meter, like in that regard. And then I've re-read the instructions, and I've done everything on my end, so I'm not like, well done. And then luckily, only five minutes passes. Contact replies, oh, because Catherine Bohart turns out she got told.
50:06 - 50:19
To get off at a different station by the driver who the taxi driver just presumed me and Catherine were like a double act and like would like, which to be fair, if you're not in comedy, isn't like if you're picking up two comedians from a station.
50:19 - 50:31
And you're a taxi driver, you're probably going to presume that they're like somewhat like together. So she's been told to get off at a different station. That's all good. I wait 10, I get the lift to the hotel where the gig's at, which is a beautiful.
50:31 - 50:50
It's called the resort, beautiful like hills, very fancy place, which you instantly think, are we getting paid enough for this? I don't do loads of corporates, and I used to think, why? I used to be annoyed that, why don't I like, I've got enough credit.
50:50 - 51:06
Enough of a following, like I compare a lot, like why not? Then I listened to a recording of my act whilst thinking that, and I was like, oh, that's why. Because people, when they're trying to please a big corporate company of mixed people from walks of life.
51:06 - 51:14
That don't want to be watching comedy, they're like, oh, should we book the guy that screams about cum, or shall we get a one liner?
51:14 - 51:29
I don't scream about cum as much as you, Dan, but I put myself in the same category, which is if these are people. Who don't know much about comedy, they don't want a man with a children's keyboard to come out and start singing at them,
51:29 - 51:35
really. I would have thought you were fairly corporate friendly, like you can be quite clean, right?
51:35 - 51:48
No, maybe I'm too scared by the idea of it. And also, we've all heard terrible tales where everyone just stands up after five minutes of a corporate gig and shakes their head and walks out.
51:48 - 52:02
This is why it annoys me I don't get more. Because I don't give a fuck if you're giving me a grand, I will do anything. Like people are like, oh, but people will get up and leave, and I'm like, yeah, but no one has got to. Like I'm not getting like fucked in an alley.
52:02 - 52:05
you know what I mean like I'm getting a grand
52:05 - 52:05
you're different
52:05 - 52:10
that is a very different corporate isn't it I mean that you have to ask the 1500 1500 for that
52:10 - 52:22
friend of the podcast Dara O'Briain I bet if you book him for a corporate he writes 20 minutes material about marketing on channel 4 do you know what I mean like that's to me is what you want from a corporate
52:22 - 52:31
because of my act this is me just being sincere here genuinely because of my act people think I'm like a loose cannon and you have no idea
52:31 - 52:44
Material about marketing on Channel 4. Do you know what I mean? Like that's to me is what you want from a corporate. Because of my act, this is me just being sincere here, genuinely, because of my act, people think I'm like a loose cannon and you have no idea.
52:44 - 52:58
What I'm going to do, and I am, but I make it seem like that, but it is intentional. So I think what annoys me is that if people say, oh, Dan, can you do clean, or can you not do like too much mania, or it's really important.
52:58 - 53:09
This, I can follow a brief. I'm like probably quite good at that compared to others. So then when we do these pre-meetings, then I always say, what don't you want me to do? So like a few weeks ago, I did 50 head teachers.
53:09 - 53:22
I'm like, is it anything you don't want me to say? She's like, no, I saw you at this gig, I loved you. They're head teachers, they love a laugh, like they love jokes about like neurodiversity, they love the edgy stuff. So I'm like, right.
53:22 - 53:35
Please just don't mention Married at First Sight. So I'm like, right, I can do that. And then I go on and I scream about Russell Brand for five minutes, and everyone's like, well, you know, so yeah, get there and they're all still having dinner.
53:35 - 53:49
Me and Catherine are on. So, Catherine, I'm trying to say I know you're going to set this room up nicely. She's like, she's like, yeah, yeah, you're in a great spot here because I'm going to go on, take the bullet. There's also some stuff with like trains.
53:49 - 54:01
And the gig's running over, and we were going to get carded together. I was like, I basically told Catherine just get the fuck out and get that earlier train. I was like, and I also am happy about that because it means I can bomb in peace.
54:01 - 54:18
Do you know what I mean? Catherine goes on, completely smashes it. And I mean, it's not great like set up. It's almost a conservatory, could not be more well lit. There's no stage, it is just a wireless mic, but there seems like a fairly like.
54:18 - 54:35
Nice energy in the room. And I'm also like, okay, a lot of these people are like, if they're advertisers, particularly advertisers who advertise the channel four, they seem like they're probably like fairly creative. Like they probably work with comedians and stuff. That was the vibe.
54:35 - 54:36
I got straight away
54:36 - 54:40
is there clinky clinky knife and fork, you know, drinking and chatter.
54:40 - 54:49
It was a little, a lot of white wine going on, but they're all in what I can only describe as very expensive t-shirts. It was that vibe, right?
54:49 - 55:01
You know when you see a plain t-shirt and you're like, that'll be 300 quid, that? You know, like that is too plain for you to wear to this. Like, that's gonna be such an expensive t-shirt.
55:01 - 55:03
Do you go out and shout about cum, or do you tone it down a bit?
55:03 - 55:20
Pretty much. So, Catherine leaves straight away, and then the guy, what was his name? Really nice guy, I think he's head of sales for Channel 4. His name is David, yeah, that's his name. He goes on and he goes, ooh, I'm a bit scared.
55:20 - 55:37
About this next act, and I kind of, I'm like, I quite like that because that gives me permission to then just go completely mental. Because then I just storm straight on and I'm like, you should be scared. So, I go with that energy and it kind of works.
55:37 - 55:47
Quite well for the first five, but then, you know, the fatigue kicks in where it's like you are in a very well lit room. There's only so long, only 15 minutes as well.
55:47 - 56:00
So, pretty decent stuff. I get out, I have a quick drink with David, the guy who runs it, whilst I wait for my cab. You know what? For a corporate, I'd say about as good as you could hope for, like given the set up, obviously.
56:00 - 56:07
In an ideal room, they'd have all been in like a comedy room or whatever, but for what it was, I was pretty happy.
56:07 - 56:09
Have you eaten anything?
56:09 - 56:11
No, I'm not eating, I'm not eating yet.
56:11 - 56:20
Oh my god, this is worse than James Buckley. We never thought we'd get worse than the James Buckley. Two bowls of Stella and a curry for dinner.
56:20 - 56:28
James Buckley did not eat all day and then ordered the, yeah, most giant curry with extras and chips and rice and all the rest of it.
56:28 - 56:32
Oh, lads, before I got the train. I got a prep. I'm so sorry.
56:33 - 56:34
I'm so sorry.
56:34 - 56:35
Stolen valor.
56:35 - 56:46
Fuck, I was so stolen valor. I was so excited that I was on a par with James Buckley. He's one of the crew, like come on, I was like, we've got something.
56:46 - 57:01
Now he's gonna hear that I had a lactose soup and a fucking salmon on rye bread sandwich, and he's gonna think, what a charlatan. So, before I get on my train, oh crucially, I want my two pints when I go to the train, something to do.
57:01 - 57:03
With these pills, I now feel awful.
57:03 - 57:05
What time are we?
57:05 - 57:11
But you're hungry, so when I get the train to the gig, it's we're half past six in the evening.
57:11 - 57:31
I've had two pints, two coffees, an ashwagandha, and a magnesium 5-HTP blend. I feel awful, but not just awful in a hunger way. There's a chemical reaction going on of some kind. I'm googling, I'm on Reddit, I'm on Reddit, I'm reading about serotonin syndrome and all this stuff.
57:31 - 57:44
My fear is that you flash yourself to a group of old ladies, and afterwards in court, it's like my client had had a laxer soup with a magnesium pill, your honour. We all know what happens when you mix those two things.
57:44 - 57:45
He'd had two coffees.
57:45 - 58:00
And he'd been distracted learning how to use a top pit, your honour. Like, so the train and gig, and then as I get in my cab, the woman like running the gig, she's like, oh, there's some food. She's like, she gives me a paper bag. I don't know.
58:00 - 58:10
What's going to be in it? And then whilst I wait for my train, it's cold, but it's like I think it's lamb, and it's beautifully cooked. Like, just a bag of meat.
58:10 - 58:11
It's a bag of meat.
58:11 - 58:14
There's chips and salad in there, but they didn't get.
58:14 - 58:30
Much of a look, and I can't lie, I eat the meat, the cold, cold meat. Also, in the background to my day, I have Ayla, my friend. She's producing my Edinburgh show. She also runs my social media account with me. She's going on holiday, so she needs.
58:30 - 58:44
We do two stand-up clips and what we call a Dan Cam, where it's just me talking to a camera. I hate doing them, but it's good to post three times a week. And if we do three stand-up clips, it'll run out too quickly, so she's all day.
58:44 - 58:55
Like, I need a Dan Cam. So then I'm trying to do a Dan Cam whilst I'm waiting for my train, but I get distracted with my meat, and then I run out of time, and the train comes, and I've not done my Dan Cam.
58:55 - 59:10
Then I'm on the train. I don't have headphones, by the way. They're in my rucksack, which is at my mate's house, so I'm raw-dogging the train shit. What do I do on the train? Oh, I'll tell you what I'm doing. I'm trying to find a video of how. To use a top pit. That's what I'm doing.
59:10 - 59:11
Yeah, yeah, yeah,
59:11 - 59:12
of course you are.
59:12 - 59:13
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
59:13 - 59:15
Have we established what is a top pit?
59:15 - 59:16
What is a top pit?
59:16 - 59:20
A top pit is a device that can make something disappear, I think I can say that.
59:20 - 59:27
Wow. This is like Richard Osman's dinner. He just can only say so much, but can't say anymore. Fair enough.
59:27 - 59:37
I think with magic, if you want to find out, you can, but no one will. There'll be some people who will listen to this that will look into it.
59:37 - 59:47
But the majority won't. So the people who look into it, they, I think I give enough information that they get to know, except from you don't really, because I've bought one, and I fucking don't know how it works. So.
59:47 - 59:54
I like that it's either magic or mafia who say we can make this disappear. I'm gonna make this disappear. Get me a top pit. Get me a top pit.
59:54 - 1:00:03
My mystical idea of what magic was like was ruined somewhat earlier in this day. When the guy just kept saying fucking google it, fucking google it.
1:00:03 - 1:00:12
Yeah, watch the fucking video. Yeah, exactly, that's all it is. So then I get to Paddington, I film the Dan Cam really quickly. I then.
1:00:12 - 1:00:27
Text Ayla loads about how much I hate the Dan Cam. She reassures me. I then get home. I'm tired. Oh, but that Channel 4 David guy had told me that Tiptoe, the new series Russell T Davies, is really good. And then my dad, who never watched anything.
1:00:27 - 1:00:37
Messages me to say, have you seen Tiptoe? Which is normally an indicator if my dad's across it, there's something seeping into the mainstream.
1:00:37 - 1:00:44
so I then on my phone, because my laptop charger, I realise I don't have. That's in my rucksack of my mates.
1:00:44 - 1:00:59
I on my phone watch the whole series of Tiptoe because I got completely hooked on it and stayed up till 5am. I'm watching Tiptoe hang on. This is, yeah, on my phone back in, oh, in my flat and then.
1:00:59 - 1:01:02
Tiptoe is really good. I couldn't recommend it more.
1:01:02 - 1:01:04
So how many eps is that? How many eps?
1:01:04 - 1:01:05
5 eps. It's only 5 eps,
1:01:05 - 1:01:07
so that's 5 hours. You do 5 hours of it?
1:01:07 - 1:01:09
Yeah, I will guess with adverts, 5 hours.
1:01:09 - 1:01:10
Ok, fine.
1:01:10 - 1:01:12
Yeah, adverts, which I now know the people who have.
1:01:12 - 1:01:26
Made those adverts. I bombed in front of those people. It's really, really good. I highly recommend, but there's a big undercurrent of like gay loneliness and all of that stuff. And I'm gay, obviously. It makes me feel very sad. I never cry.
1:01:26 - 1:01:39
At the end, I did cry slightly. I don't really cry at films. I either like cry in arguments, and then when I cry, I have an instant panic attack, or I don't cry. There's no, but I did like weep out a little tear. It really hit me hard.
1:01:39 - 1:01:42
To the point where I then just had to order a KFC.
1:01:42 - 1:01:45
So, well, you're hungry. You only had a laxer soup as well.
1:01:45 - 1:01:53
I'm eating too much now. I'm big fat, and you need to eat. Or, oh, you ate a laxer soup, a rye salmon, some cold lamb.
1:01:53 - 1:02:02
And the KFC? Yeah, I did, and I'm feeling sad. It better than this. At this point, I'm very aware that I'm going to be telling, I'm like, I'm going to have to tell David and Max about this. So I'm then like, fuck, I'm feeling a bit.
1:02:02 - 1:02:16
Existential in that thing. Then I go for a piss. I'm thinking, well, I tell them about this piss? You know, I'm thinking about like that five episodes after that. It's ridiculously late at this point. It's like 4 or 5am. I can't sleep. I'm stimulated. Then I have to watch.
1:02:16 - 1:02:28
Loads of like interviews about it, so reviews of it, and then I go to sleep. And to be fair to the 5HT and the Astral Ganja, I out like a lot when I close my eyes, so.
1:02:28 - 1:02:37
You know what? I do like, you know, the reaction to high emotion. This brought me to tears, so I ordered a Zinger burger. It's a really great, like, yeah,
1:02:37 - 1:02:39
I felt very sad after I ate the KFC.
1:02:39 - 1:02:45
Bolting on five hours to your day like that is quite. We've never had that before. Yeah, that is extreme.
1:02:45 - 1:02:45
Exactly.
1:02:45 - 1:02:50
You've done well to get up for this episode. You know, it was only about three hours ago, wasn't it?
1:02:50 - 1:03:00
Now I think about no one else really lives like this that I know. I don't know. I think comics are more like this. I'm definitely, I get up late and I stay up late. That's like my thing. I'm a night time guy.
1:03:00 - 1:03:09
Was there any point in the episodes where you're like, I'm watching this on my phone, it's 3am or it's 4am? I'll just watch the next episode tomorrow?
1:03:09 - 1:03:21
No, I'm aware of it, but I'm pretty much three eps in. I'm like, I'm probably gonna have to fucking finish this, but I'm very in denial. I'm very like, ah, I'll watch one more when I'm like, I could watch one more.
1:03:21 - 1:03:35
I'm watching one more, but there is whilst I'm watching, I'm like, after this, I probably should go to sleep. I think it's ADHD. Like when I'm locked in on something, there's nothing you can't stop me. Like this is where my head's at.
1:03:35 - 1:03:50
Don't feel bad about this. Let me, from a pure output point of view, this has been a hugely successful day, as in you did some publicity stuff on the radio and met my friend Max, and then.
1:03:50 - 1:04:01
You know, you went for a nice pint, so we've got a friendship thing there as well. We've earned some good money doing a slightly more money than Catherine doing a gig, and then.
1:04:01 - 1:04:12
You've been super stimulated by watching something that will affect you for years afterwards. That's a day. Don't worry about any of the rest of it. That's a bloody day.
1:04:12 - 1:04:19
It's far worse day. There's days where I would shock you in the same amount but get far less done.
1:04:19 - 1:04:32
Like, this is a justification for me as well. Whilst I'm watching this, I'm like, this is good for me creatively to watch this for like scripts I'm writing and stuff. So, I mean, that is maybe a bit denial. I'm also watching it because I'm enjoying it, but yeah.
1:04:32 - 1:04:41
I feel pretty happy with the day. I mean, I'm more self-conscious. I know this lifestyle can't go on for too much longer. I am aware
1:04:41 - 1:04:43
You're still young, Dan.
1:04:43 - 1:04:53
You know what? You will always have this as a reminder of what this time in your life was like. Dan Tiernan, thank you very much for telling us what you did yesterday.
1:04:53 - 1:05:02
Thanks, lads. Thanks for not judging me too much. I just want to make clear as well, this was not a shocking day. My day is like that every day. It is all of the things.
1:05:02 - 1:05:20
That shocked you are the same every day like that. I just want to be really clear there. That was weirdly cathartic, actually, so I appreciate it. Thanks for having me on for sure.
1:05:20 - 1:05:21
Thank you, Dan.
1:05:21 - 1:05:27
Dan Tiernan, I should say, he was so funny on Talk Sport.
1:05:27 - 1:05:38
The interview was so funny, and he exactly got it. Like, he was talking about, you know, what you have to do when you come onto a show. I love that he still has those panics about the Times Radio thing because we've all done a bit.
1:05:38 - 1:05:50
We've all done five minutes on a thing. I still think about, you know, that show on Australia, The Cheap Seats, where I went on and I was absolutely shit. I put so much work in. I was so shit, and I just don't think I could look.
1:05:50 - 1:06:02
At anyone in the eye that works on that show, and I was just thinking, oh no. And it's the same that Dan's got this Times Radio thing where he's like, and they won't be thinking about it. They are not thinking about this anymore. But we all have that thing.
1:06:02 - 1:06:05
Max Melanie, who hosts The Cheap Seats in Australia,
1:06:05 - 1:06:06
she's great.
1:06:06 - 1:06:17
I asked her about doing our podcast, and now I realise why you've always been like, who else? Who else could you get? That is our first, I can say with 100% confidence.
1:06:17 - 1:06:23
That is our first ever magic shop, and that is our first ever Shazam of magicians bickering.
1:06:23 - 1:06:37
And also just the he describes that shopkeeper like the loveliest man who just wants to magic his cigarettes. I'll fucking Google it. It's such a great image.
1:06:37 - 1:06:52
Isn't it? It's an absolutely brilliant, brilliant image. And that's an amazing just to drop the bombshell. And then I watched an entire box set. He got up at midday, so like going to bed, you know, I have long days. They just start earlier, but there is something.
1:06:52 - 1:07:01
About that that makes you think, wow, that is, I'd be going to sleep now. And then a KFC to wrap it up. I mean, it made me hanker for a KFC.
1:07:01 - 1:07:06
I like also how in the middle of the day he just bumps into Luke McQueen.
1:07:06 - 1:07:25
Who is the incredible Zelig-like figure on this podcast who we will get on soon. They go for a pint. I like that, like when there's always the possibility in your day of going for one to one and a half to two pints. The diet needs work.
1:07:25 - 1:07:39
I would say, look, we're not here as a sort of nutritionists, but you know, it is alongside James Buckley as the, I feel like you need to consume more earlier in your day than ramming a salmon and rye pret and then having a bag of meat.
1:07:39 - 1:07:48
And then a KFC. He has had three meals, to be fair. When you actually break it down, he's had three meals. They're just, they're unconventional. I would say
1:07:48 - 1:07:54
We are not Gillian McKeith, luckily, and we're not going to analyse one of his turds now afterwards.
1:07:54 - 1:07:55
Thank God.
1:07:55 - 1:08:14
For that, yeah, if you have had any brushes with magicians or would like to get in touch with us for any other reason, this is how you would do it. To get in touch with the show, you can email us at whatdidyoudoyesterdaypod at gmail.com. Follow us on.
1:08:14 - 1:08:23
Instagram at yesterdaypod, and please subscribe and leave a review if you liked it on your preferred podcast platform. And if you didn't, please don't.
1:08:25 - 1:08:38
The bonus apps I would imagine are going well. I believe we've added a million subscribers since we plugged it at the top of this podcast in the least professional way. It feels like we did it in such an unprofessional way that Mars Bar might make us.
1:08:38 - 1:08:51
Do a re-record, and I don't like doing them because I like it all to be out there, which is why that think of a thing will eventually all find its way. David, there's nothing you can do about it. It's the first time I've looked at David.
1:08:51 - 1:08:54
And he thought, I don't want to do this anymore.
1:08:54 - 1:09:05
Wow, did you see that? Dominic, Dominic Sandbrook from The Rest Is History has just called into my house and just warmly shook my hand because we have overtaken The Rest Is History. It was a very Rest Is History.
1:09:05 - 1:09:10
Thing to do, like when you're dropped from a team, just to shake the hand of the player who's got.
1:09:10 - 1:09:18
Yeah, you've got to respect it. You have to respect it, you know? That is class, that's class from, you know, from Holland and Sandbrook from a Rest Is History player.
1:09:18 - 1:09:27
You've got to say that is very generous of them, and we welcome all competition in the not, what's it called, fan club world that we're now in.
1:09:27 - 1:09:31
It's not a fan club. I just, I refuse to see the people who like,
1:09:31 - 1:09:36
is it a bit too. Dennis the Menace? Is it a bit too Dennis the Menace fan club?
1:09:36 - 1:09:43
No, it's not Dennis the Menace. I realize he had a fan club, but just the word fan, like these are just, they're just normal people.
1:09:43 - 1:09:45
They're just normal people,
1:09:45 - 1:09:52
that's our cover. Of the Pulp song, I want to live like normal people. I just had an idea.
1:09:52 - 1:09:53
Oh yeah,
1:09:53 - 1:10:07
do you think we could call, is this too confusing though, if we call the bonus episode the normal episode? You know what I mean, as in just a normal episode.
1:10:07 - 1:10:08
Just a normal episode.
1:10:08 - 1:10:14
If you'd like a bonus normal episode, it's so confusing. God, Mars Bar, how does he put up with this?
1:10:14 - 1:10:19
Yeah, I don't think he wants to, but he's stuck now. Thanks, everybody, in it for life,
1:10:19 - 1:10:22
and Mars Bar is in it for life too.