0:06 - 0:08
Podcasts. There are millions of them.
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Some might say too many.
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I have one already.
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I don't have any because there are enough.
0:14 - 0:22
Politics, business, sport, you name it. There's a podcast about it and they all ask the big questions and cover the hot topics of the day.
0:22 - 0:25
But nobody is covering the most important topic of all.
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Why is that? Are they scared?
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Too afraid of being censored by the man?
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Possibly, but not us. We're here to ask the only question that matters.
0:34 - 0:38
We try and say it at the same time. What did you do yesterday?
0:38 - 0:45
What did you do yesterday? That's it. All we're interested in is what the guests got up to yesterday. Nothing more.
0:45 - 0:46
Day before yesterday, Max?
0:47 - 0:50
The greatest and most interesting day of your life?
0:50 - 0:54
Unless it was yesterday, we don't want to know about it. I'm Max Rushden.
0:54 - 0:56
And I'm David O'Doherty.
0:56 - 1:09
Welcome to What Did You Do Yesterday? Hello and welcome to Midweek Mayhem from the people that bring you What Did You Do Yesterday. My name is Max Rushden. Alongside me today is the Irish comedian David O'Doherty.
1:11 - 1:20
Now the last time I saw you IRL was on the streets of Melbourne. The day was your birthday.
1:21 - 1:30
And your wife had got you the gift of what you believed was going to be a head massage.
1:30 - 1:37
And I said, before I got on the tram home, very emotional farewell. I said, I'd walk you to the place.
1:38 - 1:52
And this place had a lot of neon on the front of it. It did. Such that I was sure you weren't just going to get a head massage. You were going to get, you know, asked if you wanted other things.
1:52 - 2:05
Yeah. Well, as I walked in, there were three middle-aged women in front of me going, that was really lovely. Thank you so much. So as soon as I went in, I saw, you know, Sheila, Daphne and Celeste. Not Daphne, Celeste. That was a bad pick.
2:07 - 2:12
It wasn't Daphne and Celeste. I thought it seems unlikely. And I was not in the business of that.
2:12 - 2:18
I had put it in your head that you were going to have to turn down a hand job.
2:18 - 2:32
And actually, I had, Jamie had bought me specifically a head massage because I like a head massage. But I don't really like any other part of me massaged, certainly by someone I don't know. I instantly like bristle and that is not relaxing. And the whole idea of this is relaxing.
2:33 - 2:44
So I went in and then, you know, they do that bit when they go, just take off your top and put yourself under this blanket. And so then they leave the room and they spend too much time out of the room.
2:44 - 2:59
It's like, I'm just taking my t-shirt off. This will be like three seconds. Like you don't have to leave. But then like five minutes later, they come in and there's some plinky plucky music. And the first thing she did was start rubbing my chest quite vigorously. So I'd got a fit of the giggles and that didn't help either of us.
2:59 - 3:11
You know, at the start, that's bad. I'm really trying to quell the giggles. That's making me laugh even more. I'm not having a relaxing time. I'm just thinking, can this be over soon? Anyway, then it sort of gets into a bit of a head massage that I'm like, okay, I'm cool with this.
3:11 - 3:16
But then in the booth next to me is a woman who it does sound very much like she's having a happy ending.
3:17 - 3:27
Like every 15 seconds, she just sort of goes, And it's really off-putting. And I don't know how to react.
3:27 - 3:39
Like part of me wants to just groan back whenever she groans, to just groan back louder to say, could you shut up please? Because you are, what tiny chance I had of this being relaxing is now over.
3:39 - 3:54
So then they sort of like, they put this brass sort of semi-circular pipe over your neck and it has about 20 jets that all sprays, I'd say lukewarm, a little bit chilly water onto your neck.
3:54 - 4:07
And you've got a mask on, but it sort of spits onto your face and your nose. It's not very comfortable. And this is the moment where, and I'm not very experienced with massages, but there's always a moment where the masseur or masseuse just buggers off for 15 minutes.
4:07 - 4:16
So they just left, but I couldn't move because I was sort of, it was sort of like really, really gateway waterboarding.
4:17 - 4:23
I wasn't going to confess. Like it was someone who was like, I'm not really into waterboarding. I don't really want to do this.
4:23 - 4:33
Okay. So you, at this point in it, you're not worried anymore that you're going to have to turn down a happy ending. Instead, you're worried that they're trying to kill you.
4:33 - 4:45
No, I just think this is really uncomfortable, but I can't move because there's, a semi-circular brass pipe over my neck. I just have to wait. And what if she's gone for an hour? This is really uncomfortable.
4:46 - 4:49
I'm just getting slightly spattered with cold water.
4:49 - 4:56
Yeah. So it's kind of like, ah, Mr. Bond, these are my detailed plans. Anyway, this pipe will take care of you.
4:57 - 5:01
Are you tempted to sprint shirtless out onto Brunswick Street in Melbourne?
5:02 - 5:06
Well, I'm really tempted to lift the brass pipe, but I just don't know what that will do.
5:07 - 5:10
I don't know if that will spray water everywhere, maybe over the groaning woman.
5:11 - 5:17
I just lie there, completely motionless. All I'm thinking is, when will this be over? Which I don't think is what.
5:18 - 5:28
Massage. That's not the aim of a massage, is it? But then they went back to the head and they did some rubbing, rubbing on my head. I really just want to be stroked on my head like a kitten for like 10 minutes.
5:28 - 5:43
That's just all I need. You know, I reckon if you opened a massage pilot and said, well, just gently rub your head like that, up and down, just for 15 minutes, you could charge through the roof for that. Anyway, none of this is relevant, David. Rachel has been in touch. Hello, Irish sidekick.
5:43 - 5:50
Generic man three. Producer Mars Bar. Hero of the Teddington quiz. Long time listener. First time caller. One time. What did you do yesterday? Promote.
5:50 - 5:50
Interruption.
5:51 - 6:04
Imagine the size of the pipe they'd need to get over my head. They'd need a huge sort of channel tunnel type loop. Thousands of gallons of water.
6:04 - 6:18
It's a massive air conditioning duct over your field with water. David Squires, Guardian cartoonist, I sent you this message. His algorithm has been screwed over by what did you do yesterday? And now on his Instagram, it's people advertising hats for people with big heads.
6:22 - 6:36
And they try and sell it by going, do you have a massive head or do you just like this hat? They put it in early, but then they try and move away from the fact that they're selling to this embarrassed market of you and that barristers who we spoke about last week.
6:36 - 6:48
Long time listener. One time. What did you do yesterday? Promote it on a Guardian blind date. As you may have guessed, I am Rachel from the Guardian blind date. I wanted to send a quick email to say thank you for the kind words.
6:48 - 7:00
What joy that I got to rub it on about my favorite podcast to a lovely Welshman over many glasses of free red wine. And for my favorite podcast to then read about it. Truly everything is showbiz. I've been a loyal listener since episode two.
7:00 - 7:08
What was wrong with episode one, Rachel? And your warm celebrations of everyday life have been a consistent delight over the years, including my moving across the world from Sydney to Bristol.
7:09 - 7:19
Sadly, I've managed to miss all of the live shows. Please do more. I may not have walked away with the love of my life, but I can take solace that I'm now definitely part of the universe of which what did you do yesterday is centered.
7:19 - 7:27
Please keep the quizzes about normal cheeses countries and obscure celebrities appearing at the same location at different times coming in it for life. Rachel.
7:27 - 7:32
Wow. Hello, Rachel. It's such a good filtering method, though, for finding the one, you know?
7:33 - 7:41
When we read that, we knew this guy. Get out of there, Rachel. It's not a big red flag. It's just a tiny pink flag.
7:41 - 7:50
I don't know. It sounds to me like psychopath. He's not listening to every episode. Even if he only listens to the guest episodes, I just don't have time for the midweek mayhem.
7:51 - 8:04
Psychopath. And there should be a big stamp. On the blind date, you should have a big stamp where you just put it in the ink and you just go, psychopath on the menu. And then you hand the menu back to them. And then you leave the restaurant. That's how I dated. That's what I tried to do.
8:04 - 8:12
So it's interesting because the podcast didn't exist then. So if you just found that the person wasn't really into the topic of yesterday.
8:12 - 8:19
In fact, podcasts didn't exist. So it was really hard to then explain it to whoever I was letting down by saying.
8:19 - 8:28
Sorry, on the subject of your dates, I really have thought about it so much. You going on the date with the woman who looks too much like your sister.
8:29 - 8:40
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you know what the bad thing was? We sort of had like a couple of drinks. And we left the pub and then she was like, do you want to go for dinner or something like that?
8:40 - 8:42
Do you want to go and talk to mum?
8:42 - 8:54
Do you want to see if we've got power of attorney? No, literally, she was talking whatever. I can't remember. And a black cab just literally flew past. So I just sort of waved it down, opened the door and sort of threw her into it.
8:55 - 9:08
And then just like made it go away. And then rang my sister. A lot of love for the Lloyd Langford episode. So thank you, Lloyd, for doing the podcast. Peter says, mmm, a grape egg restaurant.
9:08 - 9:13
What could we call it? Grr eggs. Really good.
9:13 - 9:21
So this was on the topic of food that could be rolled, I think, was the idea.
9:21 - 9:22
Into pockets.
9:22 - 9:26
With people lying with their mouths open underneath the pocket.
9:26 - 9:39
Yeah. So ideally, it would be table for six. Yes. And the hungriest are at the bottom end of the table where most of the potting is done. And then really the middle pockets, they get the least. It's quite hard to pot in the middle.
9:39 - 9:52
So if you just want a starter, you just go into the middle one and then you lie underneath it. And I don't know about you, David. I was thinking about this. I think the difficulty is the randomness of not knowing how many eggs or grapes you're going to consume.
9:52 - 10:01
And maybe there should be a kind of a way of ordering. Because I think I'd really only want maximum one egg. You wouldn't want Ronnie O'Sullivan just on one.
10:01 - 10:04
Yeah, that's the fear if you get in there.
10:04 - 10:18
And this would be your server tonight, Ronnie O'Sullivan, who once, to the listeners who don't know Snooker, potted all of the balls to the value of 147 points in something like three minutes or something.
10:18 - 10:27
Yeah, that is cool hand Luke, in a different way, isn't it? You'd really hope, he said, today I'm going for the seedless grape.
10:27 - 10:43
You'd be like, thank you, Ronnie, because I can't deal with 147 of hard-boiled eggs. No context, yesterday our friends from there said, I'd like to invest £200,000 in the eggs, grapes, snooker restaurant.
10:44 - 10:53
Jay says, another appearance from Daniel Kitson. How long before you get him as a guest? Yeah, Daniel Kitson, who I am only aware of through the fact that he is in every episode of this podcast.
10:54 - 11:01
And he runs a football match, but he doesn't really exist. And he runs all of comedy in a sort of mafia way.
11:01 - 11:09
And yet, no one has ever met him. Even though people on every episode meet him, they've never actually met him. He's a mystery man.
11:09 - 11:15
He is elusive. I wouldn't say he owns any of the necessary equipment to ever do this.
11:15 - 11:22
And so I think he will just continue to be this mysterious shadow that looms over this podcast.
11:22 - 11:35
But also the brother of former Redding Centre Forward, Dave Kitson. So we can get them together. On the subject of snooker, Matthew says, Hello DOD, Default Man 3 and Mars Bar. In the latest episode of What Did You Do Yesterday?
11:35 - 11:43
Lloyd Langford went to a snooker hall to play with Daniel Kitson. Mystery man. He didn't write. I put that in. Max preempted what they might do and suggested a best of 32.
11:43 - 11:57
I just point out to Max that you can't have a best of 32. As a series of games has to allow a clear winner without a tie. So it needs to be an odd number. Apart from knowing what each color ball is worth, I'd suggest this is the next bit of basic knowledge of snooker you need.
11:57 - 12:02
If you want to steal a living covering the world championships that are currently on. Cheers, Mike. Thank you, Mike.
12:02 - 12:07
Is the world champs best of 35? Is that what it is? The famous...
12:07 - 12:09
I mean, don't ask me.
12:09 - 12:18
Steve Davis versus Dennis Taylor. I think that might be 17 all when they go into the last late night sesh.
12:19 - 12:23
I think... 3,000 billion people watched that on television.
12:23 - 12:32
It was very popular. Yeah. And they kind of both fell to pieces a bit and they were missing... Did you watch it? Were you alive then?
12:32 - 12:35
I was alive, but I wasn't really in my snooker phase.
12:35 - 12:49
Which is yet to really hit me. But I do think it might be fun to be just for a day a snooker commentator. A bit like being a golf commentator. Just so you could really earnestly whisper. They're like Clive Everton, Dennis Taylor on the black.
12:50 - 12:54
Also, Dan Maskell used to do that in the tennis as well.
12:54 - 12:57
Not so whispery. I don't think he was so whispery in the tennis.
12:57 - 13:01
Do you not think there's room for a whispering commentator in football maybe? And you could be that...
13:01 - 13:05
That's a good idea. It would just change the vibe a bit, wouldn't it?
13:05 - 13:12
And Arsenal come down the field now. Their red jerseys glistening in the sun.
13:12 - 13:21
Aguero. I think Sky might call you in and say, could you just raise it a little bit? I'd be like, no, I can't.
13:21 - 13:31
Snooker was so huge then. My father, I think financially in the life of the jazz musician, there maybe wasn't too much money to spare.
13:31 - 13:37
So my brother decided, and this is big, to make a snooker table.
13:37 - 13:40
Wow, a slate, a full-size slate.
13:40 - 13:44
So he found a piece of wood. I went out with him from a skip.
13:45 - 13:46
Good stuff.
13:46 - 13:53
And we got an old blanket and hammered it to the piece of wood. He then sawed...
13:53 - 13:56
He got 12 dozen eggs from Asda.
13:56 - 14:01
He sawed the pockets, like the bordery bits.
14:01 - 14:04
Now, they had no bounce whatsoever.
14:04 - 14:07
The bazie, I presume, wasn't official crucible baize.
14:07 - 14:11
And also, we didn't have balls. Snooker balls.
14:11 - 14:16
This is like... And then we had to use small round pellets of our own shit.
14:17 - 14:20
And so we used... I had a boules set.
14:20 - 14:24
One of those French ones with the water in the boules.
14:25 - 14:26
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
14:26 - 14:26
Those ones.
14:26 - 14:27
Big snooker balls, yeah.
14:27 - 14:29
Weirdly, we had a cue ball.
14:29 - 14:35
Of course. And cues. And waistcoats. You all had waistcoats, bizarrely.
14:35 - 14:47
No, he had a cue that he'd got for his birthday. And I used just a brush with blue chalk at the end of it. Oh, no.
14:48 - 14:58
I didn't realize my childhood was so Victorian. Yeah. But we played it. We got so good at bounceless, water-filled boule snooker.
14:58 - 14:59
Does it translate?
14:59 - 15:00
It does not translate.
15:00 - 15:13
Does it translate? I see. Fair enough. Matthew says, Hi, Max, David and Mars Bar. The recent Lloyd Langford episode, David stated that sushi is the only variety of food that's embraced the train. I'm happy to report that the dairy industry is in on the act.
15:13 - 15:16
And there are places in London with rolling cheese conveyors.
15:16 - 15:31
Pick and cheese. Pick and cheese dot com. Perhaps it's an opportunity for some short form curdle events live streamed on TikTok as a sort of Gen Z friendly T20 version of the game compared to the usual test match format. I love the show in it for life. Best wishes, Matthew.
15:31 - 15:33
Would you say it's the full train?
15:33 - 15:39
I haven't clicked the link. It's not the Shinkansen. Because it's hard to get the cheese off a 200 mile an hour train.
15:40 - 15:45
Yes. It's just your son and a Brio that he just drives around the place.
15:45 - 15:56
James and Kent writes, Long time listener, first time writing in. Listening to recent pods about foreign objects up the arse. Reminded me, do you think that's where all podcasts end up? It's just discussing this subject.
15:56 - 16:06
I believe it is. Eventually they all get there. I can't wait for Rory Stewart to be reading out emails like this. Only a matter of time. Listening to recent pods about foreign objects up the arse.
16:06 - 16:19
Reminded me of an incident my wife told me a number of years ago. She's a nurse and in the later 2000s worked for a few years in a central London A&E. She was no stranger to patients coming into the department with various foreign objects stuck up their arse.
16:19 - 16:31
One particular gentleman came in with a stone shaped paperweight stuck up. Oh, well. He confidently told my wife that he'd just got out of the shower and only wearing his towel went to his desk to check his email before getting dressed.
16:32 - 16:39
While doing this, he slipped on the wet floor and fell into his desk, landing awkwardly on top of the paperweight, which managed to get stuck up.
16:39 - 16:47
My wife thanked him for the explanation and with a straight face asked the follow up question are you able to explain how the paperweight got inside the condom?
16:50 - 16:58
I think you have to own it, don't you? You have to own it. Everybody knows you cannot fall on a thing and it go up your bottom.
16:58 - 17:02
Everyone knows the physics of it. You've just got to own it.
17:02 - 17:15
I mean, the only exception would be if you were playing me and my brother fake snooker and one of those objects was a water filled French boule and it had just shot off the table and gone up there.
17:15 - 17:22
I mean, I hate to say this, David. Even still, that thing is not, it's not like just own it.
17:22 - 17:31
I'm waiting for someone to say, I was a nurse in A&E and someone came with half a Henry Hoover on their ass and they said, I shoved half a Henry Hoover on my ass.
17:33 - 17:43
Do you think, I mean, I guess the kilt would be the one garment you could try and say something because traditionally you don't wear undies under it.
17:43 - 17:44
That's true.
17:44 - 17:56
So then, you know, if I were to go to A&E with something up my ass, I'd be very careful to be like, hello, it was Hogmanay yesterday and you will not believe what happened.
17:56 - 18:00
Do you have a kilt, an emergency kilt, just in case?
18:00 - 18:13
That's a great reason to have an emergency kilt. Do you put the whole thing on, sparring on, do it all properly? You know, while the foreign object is there and the ambulance is like, they're eight minutes away, stay on the phone.
18:13 - 18:21
And you're like, okay, I've quickly got to get, yeah. Let me just put the phone, I'll put you on speaker. I've just got to get my kilt on.
18:21 - 18:30
Yes. And then when they're like, what's your home address? I give Ireland as it. They're like, well, why do you have this fake Scottish accent? Oh, I didn't even know.
18:30 - 18:45
From the Reddit page, someone has posted the latest in a series of Max lookalikes. And it is the bloke that Donald Trump is healing from when he posted that picture of him as a doctor.
18:46 - 18:49
Yeah. It does look like you.
18:49 - 19:02
So there I am. People did like the theme park idea. Chris Gore writes, listening to the pod, I do not fancy the log flume ride at your theme park where we all sit in bathtubs.
19:02 - 19:03
Oh, God. Yeah.
19:03 - 19:09
You really would buy the poncho for two pounds in the queue, wouldn't you?
19:09 - 19:18
So we are looking for more themed rides. The thought that I had was Stevie Martin's tortoise themed ride.
19:19 - 19:29
The poor tortoise was backed up. And the vet, who I think Stevie possibly wasn't sure was an actual vet, said, do you have a vibrator?
19:31 - 19:41
Hold it against the tortoise's tummy. And lo and behold, the tortoise began to squidge out a remarkable object.
19:41 - 19:58
So hang on. Is this a specific, this works, right? After you've been to the grape egg restaurant, you know, if Cliff Thorburn has potted enough eggs into you and you're egg bound, you can then go to the ride where you are put in a giant tortoise outfit.
19:58 - 20:11
And then somebody, you're egg bound, you're constipated. And we say, just dress as this tortoise and we will vibrate your intestines right. Is that what we're saying? Okay.
20:11 - 20:21
Your wife says, I've got you. It's so relaxing, Max. You'll love it. You get in there and they dress you up as Donatello from the Ninja Turtles. Uh-oh.
20:21 - 20:30
We'll evacuate everything and then it's straight onto the Shinkansen. So you can go right up, Phil Elis.
20:32 - 20:39
Okay. Let's do double quiz, which is what we do now. Double quiz. They're just normal countries. Redux.
20:39 - 20:52
I am and only. What country could I be? I am the one and only.
20:53 - 20:57
Where in the world could our listeners be?
20:57 - 21:04
Okay. So if you remember, we started They're Just Normal Countries again.
21:04 - 21:13
After the great success of They're Just Normal Countries, it's now exactly the same quiz, but countries with one listen from when we started part two of the quiz a couple of weeks ago.
21:14 - 21:26
The guesses so far are the Northern Mariana Islands. You guessed Papua New Guinea, maybe. And then my friend Matt guessed Malawi and Suriname from last time. But for recording issues, we didn't have a guess.
21:26 - 21:32
So we wanted to keep the momentum going. Fraser writes, Max Mars Bar and the giant peach.
21:33 - 21:46
You won me over with Elis James in episode one. Oh, on Elis James, Elis and John did a very good deconstruction of Isy Suttie's What Did You Do Yesterday in a kind of podcasts will eat themselves world where now we should
21:46 - 21:53
talk about Elis and John and then they'll talk about us. But it was very, it was nice to hear little clips of our podcast on their excellent podcast.
21:53 - 22:06
They didn't touch, I thought, because Elis has a version of the tale where a five liter can of paint opened in the car that differs slightly from Isy's telling of us.
22:06 - 22:10
I am very happy to say I once traveled in that car.
22:10 - 22:22
Post the paint drying. And it was one of the most remarkable. It felt like it was a sort of light blue paint. You felt like you were in a swimming pool of some kind.
22:22 - 22:35
Anyway, Max Mars Bar, giant peach. You won me over with Elis James in episode one. I've not missed an episode. Who knew that what I'd been waiting for was the ultimate low performance podcast. Forget Max's flirtation with wanting celebrity A-listers.
22:35 - 22:47
We want a steady diet of joyful journeymen oversharing about their everyday lives, breakfast choices, bath lowering techniques and bedtime routines. My guest for They're Just Normal Countries chapter two is the youngest country in the world.
22:48 - 22:58
My dog, Juba, is named after the capital. It is, of course, the mighty South Sudan, rising stars of the global basketball scene and home of the recently formed South Sudan Premier League.
22:58 - 23:11
Final question to Mars Bar. Is it an intentionally defiant act of ineptitude to use WDWDY as the podcast initials rather than WDYDY? I think the midweek one is what did we do yesterday?
23:11 - 23:25
Yes, what did we do yesterday? And the weekend one is what did you do yesterday? It's your fault there because at the start, as the anchor, you always say hello and welcome to what did you do? Whereas you should really say what did we do yesterday?
23:25 - 23:38
Yeah, I was under the misapprehension at the start of this that we should stick with one name for the whole podcast. I thought it would be good for the algorithm, but maybe I made a mistake. Anyway, is South Sudan a normal country, Mars Bar?
23:38 - 23:44
But just before I reveal the answer to that, was it Frazier who sent that message?
23:44 - 23:45
Yeah, Frazier, yeah.
23:45 - 23:56
So he said he hasn't missed an episode. We have covered that very question and topic at least once before on the pod. So either Frazier's not listening properly or perhaps he hasn't listened to every single episode.
23:57 - 24:01
I like how he produces the listeners as well, doesn't he? Like, it's absolutely...
24:01 - 24:05
It's with great joy, I say, to Frazier and South Sudan.
24:05 - 24:08
Ooh. Something's got Mars Bar's goat.
24:08 - 24:12
Very old school manager style there from Mars Bar.
24:12 - 24:15
A teacup thrown straight in Frazier's face.
24:15 - 24:28
Now on to their just normal cheeses, aye, aye.
24:28 - 24:43
Five. Four. Three. Two. One. I've got cheese. This is cheese.
24:43 - 25:09
This is from Anonymous. It just says, The cliche that Dublin is a village proves true once again.
25:09 - 25:20
One of the next generation of O'Doherty's is good friends with my daughter. Next-gen Doherty was in our house over the weekend, and I found myself asking if she could recall which cheeses featured on DOD's legendary cheese board.
25:20 - 25:31
Her immediate recollection was hazy, but she was in possession of a photo of the board on her phone. Thankfully, I realised that solving the last cheese via insider trading would be a hollow victory, never mind illegal.
25:31 - 25:41
So I didn't pressure her to produce the pick, nor will I even offer a guess for fear it might be correct. Thanks for the ongoing laughs, gentlemen. Even in failure, there are echoes of glory.
25:41 - 25:42
This is outrageous.
25:42 - 25:44
This is good stuff.
25:44 - 25:52
Trying to bribe members of my family to remember what cheeses they had at Christmas, which is now four months in the rearview mirror.
25:53 - 26:04
But this is something you have to pick up on, David, which is for the cheese board, the return of the cheese board. Well, I say the third of the trilogy. This will be much longer than a trilogy, guys, don't you worry.
26:04 - 26:15
You must confiscate everybody's phones for the purity of the game. Everyone, a bit like when you go into 10 Downing Street, you must put your phone in a box and you can pick it up later.
26:15 - 26:24
Like it's an eyes-wide shut party or something. At Christmas now, I have to be like, nothing that happens here tonight may ever be mentioned.
26:24 - 26:38
Everyone's just like, what the hell? David, it's the wrong, of all days, it's the wrong day for that sort of party. Sarah in Lancashire, not Sarah Lancashire, says, Hi, DOD, Generic Man 3 and Mars Bar. Or will, delete as appropriate.
26:38 - 26:51
Second time emailing, hoping I'm on to something this time. Combining two clues, normal cheeses, low cheeses. I think the board is lacking in goat's cheese options, since the general rule for a five-cheese board would be a soft, a blue, a goat, a hard and a wild card.
26:51 - 26:59
I'm hoping my wild card is in the correct low, similar to babybel option. I think it's rank, but that's beside the point. Here we go. Brie.
26:59 - 27:00
Bing, bing, bing.
27:01 - 27:07
St. Toller's goat cheese, brackets something Irish, question mark. Caerphilly.
27:07 - 27:08
Bing, bing, bing.
27:08 - 27:09
Cashel blue.
27:10 - 27:10
Bing, bing, bing.
27:10 - 27:15
Bavarian smoked cheese, with or without little grisly bacon bits in a little plastic jacket.
27:18 - 27:19
That is too high cheese.
27:20 - 27:29
I mean, here's, this isn't even a clue because it will mean nothing to most of our listeners. The correct fifth cheese was when I played the-
27:29 - 27:31
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
27:31 - 27:34
Cheese is in my pocket game in Melbourne.
27:35 - 27:38
Someone shouted it as one of the options.
27:38 - 27:45
Oh, right. Okay. But it wasn't the one that won it. Anyway, David, I feel very uncomfortable getting this close to clues.
27:45 - 27:47
What time did you wake up yesterday?
27:47 - 27:56
I woke up at 9.27, which I think might be the latest I have ever woken up for one of my yesterdays.
27:56 - 27:58
Yeah. Okay. It's exciting.
27:58 - 28:11
We are in Brisbane in the tropical part of Australia, perhaps. It's really nice. I am very tired after a month of doing the show every night in Melbourne.
28:11 - 28:19
Tell me about your tiredness, David. It's your own journey. You're allowed to be tired.
28:20 - 28:29
I've also put the, in order to get this really good sleep, I've done a thing I don't do very often, which is I put the AC on really cold the night before.
28:29 - 28:31
Oh, that doesn't work for me.
28:31 - 28:40
Slept with extra blankets over the top. Like, you know, the way Scandinavian parents leave their children out in the garden in the pram. That was the vibe that I was going for.
28:40 - 28:44
Do they? Is that, because we have upset the Scandinavians before.
28:44 - 28:48
Yeah. Scandinavians leave all of their children outside at night.
28:48 - 28:50
Ah, they're outside children. I understand.
28:51 - 28:54
They grow up to be so tall and handsome and such lustrous hair.
28:54 - 28:56
That's a really good idea.
28:56 - 29:05
I wake up. I ring Helen Copter. I speak to, not the Helen Copter, but do you know...
29:05 - 29:08
But to Darren, the postman. Oh, no.
29:08 - 29:13
Marge's sisters from The Simpsons. You know, Selma and Patty.
29:13 - 29:14
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
29:14 - 29:19
And that's how, unfortunately, the Helen Copter is sounding.
29:19 - 29:21
Oh, no. She smoked 7,000 B&H.
29:21 - 29:33
Yeah, exactly. I wonder if she got it on the flight back from Australia, but she is still going into work, but she does sound like a man on steroids.
29:35 - 29:45
I watched a documentary called The Liver King. Well, I didn't watch all of it. It's a man who basically decided to live like a Neanderthal and just eat liver.
29:46 - 29:54
And he got really muscly and he got quite good on Instagram because he was just eating bits of liver. But he made like a gazillion pounds selling supplements of liver.
29:54 - 30:08
And then his family all eat liver and then sometimes they'd kill a cow in the street and like all the family like get inside the cow and eat their way out, this kind of stuff. And then it just transpired that he'd been taking steroids the whole time. There we are.
30:09 - 30:12
But that's all I've got. I haven't finished it. So maybe there's a redemption arc.
30:13 - 30:15
Yes. Well, Helen sounds like JFK Jr.
30:16 - 30:18
Yeah, yeah. RFK Jr. Sorry.
30:18 - 30:30
Do you think if you sound like him, you can't be the health secretary? He's like, oh, no, yeah, yeah, yeah. But I agree with many of his ideas. Like, you know, I think he's got his finger on the pulse.
30:30 - 30:31
This is where I have to just move on.
30:31 - 30:46
Just keep the thing moving. I do enjoy an instant coffee in a hotel. I'm in a service department in Brisbane that has incredible 2013 decor.
30:46 - 30:59
If anyone is looking for a vase shaped like an ampersand, this is certainly the place. I thought they might have a Nespresso, but I suspect the other deluxe rooms in the building have a Nespresso.
30:59 - 31:02
Right, you've just got the long sachet.
31:02 - 31:12
But I make a nice, I do my best. I try and imagine I was a barista making a long sachet where I put a little bit of boiling water in the bottom of the mug.
31:12 - 31:18
And put it all in and stir it up neatly and, like, add a sugar to that and then put in the rest.
31:18 - 31:30
And it tastes exactly like all instant coffee ever. I'm trying to recuperate a little bit. I know I've expended more effort than anyone has ever.
31:30 - 31:39
No, no, no, no. We did on Football Weekly, but we once did a seven-date tour over three weeks. And by the end of it, I was absolutely fucked.
31:39 - 31:42
Now, you were probably on the booze as well.
31:42 - 31:43
Yeah, we were a bit.
31:43 - 31:51
Drinking a few scoops. Yes, I did a little bit of that. So I'm also, so I sit out on, there's a balcony and the sun has just come over.
31:51 - 32:06
I sit there as well. So I'm making a TV show in Sydney today. So I didn't want to get a sunburned face because that would really make me look very Irish if I was to be on TV with a sunburned face.
32:06 - 32:18
So, yeah, I need to maintain my English rose gothic pallor. So I don't sit out for too long. I decided to go for breakfast in the place across the road. Now, this is interesting, Max.
32:18 - 32:21
Okay, now I'm in. I'm leaning in.
32:21 - 32:35
You may remember about six months ago on this podcast, I said to you, what's a Mont Blanc taste like? As in the French mountain. And you were like, what's that? I'm time poor, David.
32:36 - 32:45
And I said, it's the new coffee sensation that's sweeping Australia. I'm led to believe from my Instagram, colour supplements, etc.
32:46 - 32:55
And you said you'd never had one. I didn't actually encounter one in Melbourne at the whole time I was there, which is meant to be the home of coffee in the world.
32:55 - 33:03
And then I go to the cafe across the road. And on the list for $9 is a Mont Blanc.
33:03 - 33:05
$9. So that is five pounds.
33:05 - 33:12
And five euros for our UK and Irish audience. What is it? I've forgotten what it is.
33:12 - 33:18
So it looks like a Guinness in that it's dark, cold brew with ice.
33:18 - 33:30
And then it has a creamy head that is some sort of aerated cream with some nutmeg grated on top and a little bit of orange zest, I would say.
33:30 - 33:31
All right. And how is it?
33:31 - 33:37
It just tastes like, you know, those coffees you get in Starbucks that are just basically a milkshake.
33:37 - 33:39
Yeah, I know the ones.
33:39 - 33:46
They're sweet, creamy, delicious. It arrives. And because I have the palate of an eight-year-old, I basically just knock it back.
33:46 - 33:56
I think you're meant to sit there and sophisticatedly just sip from it. Instead, I put it away like Popeye with a can of spinach.
33:56 - 33:59
Good stuff. Okay. What are we eating?
33:59 - 34:13
We have their version of a breakfast bowl. It's quite a hipster cafe. And it has these sort of frittery falafel type things. There's some lettuce in there. There's some sweet potato.
34:13 - 34:15
Feels too early for this. This is lunch.
34:15 - 34:16
It's a breakfast bowl.
34:16 - 34:19
They've told you it's a breakfast bowl, but really.
34:19 - 34:20
A poached egg.
34:20 - 34:23
Okay, that's breakfasty.
34:23 - 34:31
I need to put healthy stuff into me. I'm trying to do a 24-hour detox. That's what this day is.
34:31 - 34:35
Didn't you? Sorry, you just had a milkshake.
34:35 - 34:41
Shut up. I do my correspondence there. I've got my little laptop with me.
34:41 - 34:49
That's a nice time, isn't it? A free time with a laptop. Have you got WhatsApp on your laptop? Because I find that quite soothing.
34:50 - 34:53
Typey, typey, typey. Have your coffee. Nice, nice.
34:53 - 35:00
It's good. Yeah, yeah. I'm running two phones at the moment. So it's quite, I look like a big hitter in the business world.
35:00 - 35:02
Of course. Yeah. Or a drug dealer.
35:02 - 35:04
My Aussie burner. Exactly, yes.
35:04 - 35:09
Do you ever pick them both up and go, just hold there, please. Just hold there. Back and forth like this.
35:09 - 35:18
Yeah. And then I go, that shipment from Colombia won't be in tonight. And I drop it into a delicious milkshake-y coffee.
35:18 - 35:20
Yeah, good, good.
35:20 - 35:27
I have put up a video the night before of one of my funny comedy songs.
35:28 - 35:42
And it's gone very well. But just as I sit there at the tide, it's like this odd thing happens when something goes semi-viral, whereby initially everyone's like, lol, lol, lol, lol, and crying, laughing emojis.
35:42 - 35:49
And this is a song about the time I had a mouse infestation in my house. Did you ever hear of that song?
35:49 - 35:51
I can't remember, but yes.
35:51 - 35:59
Basically, I got it sorted. And six months later, the taps were all very slow. The water became slow in the house.
36:00 - 36:10
Yeah. And the plumber came, and it transpired that whatever chemical they'd put down, the mice want to leave the house because they're dehydrated.
36:10 - 36:19
But if they can't get out because your house has been too well insulated, they smell water in the tank of the attic, and they all make their way off.
36:19 - 36:20
Yeah. Oh, no.
36:20 - 36:22
How long have you been drinking mouse?
36:22 - 36:23
Mouse juice. Yeah.
36:23 - 36:26
And washing yourself with mouse?
36:26 - 36:38
It's why my DNA is now mostly mouse DNA. Anyway, the clip has had many viewers, but now it's starting to turn, which is like, I hate to hear about killing mice.
36:38 - 36:44
Like, must we kill all these mice? Can you not live in harmony with the mice?
36:44 - 36:47
I agree. This is the end of the podcast.
36:47 - 36:56
Have you ever done this, though, where you sit in a cafe, have a delicious breakfast? Oh, no. This is just, I see the anger. I see your...
36:56 - 36:57
No, no, no, no, no. I'm just...
36:57 - 36:58
...rising now.
36:58 - 36:59
No, no, no.
36:59 - 37:05
And you deal with your correspondence, and you say to yourself, I think I might have lunch now in this cafe.
37:05 - 37:07
I might move on to a second meal.
37:07 - 37:13
How long have you been sitting there? Because that bowl is a filling bowl, and you've had a milkshake.
37:13 - 37:16
So there's, you've got to do a thing before lunchtime.
37:16 - 37:24
I get a, like, a Americano, a long black as well. So I'd say I'm sat there probably two hours.
37:25 - 37:30
And we're probably coming close to lunchtime-ish now.
37:30 - 37:31
Yeah, okay.
37:31 - 37:34
But then I have these fears. I can't do that.
37:34 - 37:36
You can't double dip.
37:36 - 37:42
Not in the same place where when I eventually pay the bill, they'll look at it and be like, oh, your friend has gone. I see.
37:42 - 37:54
Or they'll be like, oh, no, he's moved in. Yeah. Because this is cheaper than rent. It's just to sit and have every meal at this Brisbane cafe. So where are we going then? Are we just going to the cafe next door?
37:54 - 38:05
Yeah, we go to the cafe next door. Which is a more rough and ready Greek type place where I have some sort of a delicious wrap and sweet potato fries. Look, I am trying to have a relaxing day here.
38:05 - 38:07
Yeah. Well, you're doing well.
38:07 - 38:18
Yes, I am doing well. Maybe the health thing isn't going as well as I would have hoped. But that's just because these are the only cafes that are being offered up to me. I should do something athletic now. But instead...
38:18 - 38:22
You have dinner. You go to the cafe next door and have dinner.
38:26 - 38:32
I've got a gig coming up today in Brisbane. Okay. We're getting closer to that all the time.
38:32 - 38:39
Interruption. How many comedians who've done Melbourne are now in Brisbane? Is it like a traveling circus or are you now sort of free solo?
38:39 - 38:41
It's just David O'Doherty.
38:42 - 38:54
But I am happy to just reconnect with this guy and walk around, listen to music a little bit, discover a new song and listen to it 16 times. A song called...
38:54 - 38:55
What song's that?
38:55 - 38:56
I mean, you're not going to know it. It's by...
38:56 - 38:59
Is it Ugly by the Sugar Babes?
38:59 - 39:14
It's Dance to the Beat of My Drum by Nicola from... No, no, it's not. It's a Wolf Peck who are a cool band, have a spinoff band called Wolf Mom. There's a song called It Might Have to Be You. Look, it doesn't matter.
39:14 - 39:24
You're just trying to sound like, you're never going to get breakfast on Six Music, David. You don't have to pretend. Stick on parachutes and just have a good time.
39:24 - 39:35
Of the two of us, I would be so... If it came down, imagine that. Who's going to host Breakfast on BBC Six Music? It's a double interview as well.
39:35 - 39:36
Uh-huh. Okay.
39:36 - 39:40
You would really expose your lack of knowledge of any cool music.
39:40 - 39:46
I, for a while, read the music news on Six Music, and that was not a good hire.
39:48 - 39:53
Yeah. Mispronouncing every single... Shakira has a...
39:53 - 39:56
Jay said. And said...
39:56 - 40:04
Okay. I've made up quite a lot of jokes in the time that I've been here.
40:04 - 40:19
So I do a tedious thing where I listen back to a show that I have recorded with a... as I walk a little piece of paper and note fresh ones that, going forward, may be built into other things.
40:19 - 40:22
Do you want to hit us with one of them?
40:22 - 40:27
No, I absolutely don't. It will destroy any confidence that I have in those things.
40:27 - 40:33
What's with Australia? Hot, isn't it? Yeah. Good stuff. It's good stuff.
40:33 - 40:46
I go to the powerhouse, which is where my gig is in Brisbane, which is an old power station. I think a hydro power station. And it looks like where a baddie lives in a Batman film.
40:46 - 40:48
Okay, that's good.
40:48 - 40:56
But tonight, that baddie is me. The staff there are so cool. It's really nice to hang out with cool people from a theater.
40:56 - 41:07
Do you think you'd be a better... Once I've clearly taken Six Music Breakfast and you're now still looking for work, do you think you'd be a good Bond villain, like of the two of us?
41:08 - 41:13
Once again, I think the movie is, you know, if it's resting on either of us being the Mr. Bond.
41:13 - 41:24
With respect, I feel that you are too... The life of a Bond or a Batman villain needs twists and turns in it.
41:24 - 41:35
But you're like the person before the traumatic thing happened that led to the disfigurement that meant they now want to blow up London or whatever.
41:35 - 41:41
But here's the thing. They've never encountered a baddie who's just stayed in his lane.
41:41 - 41:52
They call me the conformist. They can't understand how he's just conformed to everything. He just went to school and then he went to university. He did have a gap year.
41:52 - 41:56
Yeah, why do you want to blow up London, though? Is it a specific thing?
41:56 - 41:59
I've just got beef with Batman. Yeah. It's personal.
41:59 - 42:14
But it's going to be because it's you. We both went to Sixth Form College together. And one time he took my 2B pencil or something like that. We have a lovely chat. I arrive a little bit early for the sound check.
42:14 - 42:29
There's a show called Shit-Faced Shakespeare will be opening in the same venue after me where one member of the cast gets drunk and they perform Shakespeare, some Shakespeare play.
42:30 - 42:44
And we've quite a funny conversation about other drugs like ketamine Shakespeare. You know what I mean? We're one member of the cast rather than just being over the top and drunk. Is it an unpredictable K-hole?
42:44 - 42:57
On that note, and I know you're a big cycling fan, I have suggested this as if cyclists are caught taking performance-enhancing drugs, then they must do the Tour de France the next year but on drugs of our choice.
42:57 - 42:58
This is good.
42:58 - 43:00
Yeah, it is good, isn't it?
43:00 - 43:07
Because you could just like fill them with laxatives if you wanted to. Like it's totally up to you. Or you could go full crack cocaine.
43:07 - 43:12
Stevie Martin's tortoise vibes. You just laxative your way right round France then.
43:12 - 43:21
In fact, you could even tell the route that the race is gone. So the gig begins, but unfortunately, so the sound operator and the lights person-
43:21 - 43:25
Interruption. You haven't had dinner then. You're going to have lunch, but you had lunch the next one.
43:26 - 43:28
Because I've double dipped for lunch.
43:28 - 43:30
You've double dipped, you're fine.
43:30 - 43:40
I'm going to eat in the powerhouse after the gig, which turns out to be a curious idea because all of the audience come up to me to get a photo while I'm hammering in the
43:40 - 43:53
rocket and Parma ham pizza. But during the gig, which goes well, the really nice tech people that we've been talking about met Shakespeare with.
43:53 - 44:02
So there is sound and lights person, okay? And so sky is one and elle is the other.
44:02 - 44:13
So when we're introduced, there's a little trick. I say lights, sky, light comes from the sky. Yeah. And the other one is doing the sound then.
44:13 - 44:15
Sound comes from Elle.
44:15 - 44:20
But during the gig then, I start to go, no, no, lights must be Elle.
44:20 - 44:22
Right, I see.
44:22 - 44:29
L is the first letter of lights. It is, correct. So I end up talking about this with the audience.
44:30 - 44:45
And yeah, the gig goes fine. My only regret with it is there's a nice Aussie family over on the right that I think it might just be the fashion or a coincidence, but there's five people in a row all wearing kind of Levi's denim shirts.
44:46 - 44:48
Right, sort of quite sort of village people.
44:48 - 44:50
Well, I go for Shawshank Redemption.
44:50 - 44:50
Yeah, okay.
44:50 - 44:58
And then I conjecture that they've dug a tunnel and the tunnel has come up, unfortunately, in my gig.
44:58 - 45:12
And now they're just going to, to blend in, they're just going to pretend they had tickets for the gig. And I'm not sure, particularly the 14-year-old girl member of the troupe enjoys it very much.
45:12 - 45:13
Right, okay.
45:13 - 45:27
I meet a few people that I know from Brisbane. Like it's an 800 people gig. And it turns out I know some of them and they come up as I'm eating my pizza in the bar afterwards.
45:27 - 45:36
It's a curious decision to eat your pizza in the bar if you're just trying to have some me time. Because I end up being in, I would say, over a hundred photographs.
45:36 - 45:37
This is nice.
45:38 - 45:45
Yeah, it is nice. Because there's a lot of Irish people and I tell them things about home and obviously they're being...
45:45 - 45:56
Is that because presumably they have ways of finding information or they're all like, tell us about home, please, David. David, what it'd be like these days.
45:56 - 46:04
Oh my goodness. How is it that two years into this is the first time you launch your Irish character?
46:04 - 46:17
Would you be so kind? I've got Irish, I've got Irish, everybody does, of course. My great-granddad was Irish and he rode around Liverpool on a horse. That's what my mum tells me, so who am I to disagree with him?
46:17 - 46:21
You know Liverpool's not Ireland. I know it's nearly Ireland, but...
46:21 - 46:26
No, no, it was Irish, but he was there because I don't know if you know a lot of them, a lot of Irish people.
46:26 - 46:35
Oh my God. So do you think that having an Irish great-grandparent means that you can do that impersonation anytime? And I have to be like, actually, no, it is quite a good nuance.
46:35 - 46:37
Yeah, it's a pretty good one, isn't it?
46:37 - 46:42
I guess sometimes I do an impersonation of you that's like, all right, geezer, leave it out.
46:43 - 46:47
I mean, people won't be able to tell who just said that, me or you, won't they?
46:47 - 46:58
My friend Christy is at the gig and she drives me back to this weird hotel from 2014 and it's lovely to see her.
46:58 - 47:04
I haven't seen her since the last time I was here two years ago. There's very little else to it.
47:04 - 47:17
I mean, this has been quite a specifically boring solo tour day, but I put the air conditioning on, very cold again, and I go to sleep listening...
47:17 - 47:20
Put the Scandinavian children out on the balcony.
47:20 - 47:28
And I listen to you droning on about football and go to sleep with the sound of this voice. Luckily, you're not doing your Irish character.
47:28 - 47:32
At what point of the Football Weekly do you fall asleep? Do you remember?
47:32 - 47:47
It's not long into it. I can't recall a single thing about it, which is a bit like when I ask you if you've heard one of my songs. And you're like, yeah, I've heard all of them. They're all good. Yeah, yeah. So thank you for that, Max.
47:47 - 48:01
I like all your stuff. That's a good day. And if you'd like to get in touch with the podcast, this is how you can. To get in touch with the show, you can email us at whatdidyoudoyesterdaypod at gmail.com.
48:01 - 48:08
Follow us on Instagram at yesterdaypod. And please subscribe and leave a review if you liked it on your preferred podcast platform.
48:09 - 48:19
And if you didn't, please don't. Hey, thanks, David. This is your last mayhem on these sores. This land will miss you.
48:20 - 48:22
But to home you go.
48:22 - 48:25
Today is a crazy day.
48:25 - 48:40
I'm being, I can't say it because they'll announce it in a while. I'm going on one of my favorite TV shows in the world that they make in Sydney, Australia. So I have to fly there.
48:40 - 48:43
Border force. They've caught you with a kumquat.
48:43 - 48:56
And I'm like, I just fell on top of it. Oh, I was just in my kilt. A whole chicken went up my butt ski. And then I'm doing a big gig in Sydney tonight. So it's quite a big day.
48:56 - 49:00
But I've enjoyed beginning the day by talking about my yesterday with you, Max.
49:00 - 49:06
Well, I'm in it for life. And I believe that everything is showbiz. And I look forward to doing this again.
49:06 - 49:09
I agree with these things. Bye.