0:06 - 0:29
Podcasts, there are millions of them. Some might say too many. I have one already. I don't have any because there are enough. Politics, business, sport, you name it. There's a podcast about it. They all ask the big questions and cover the hot topics of the day. But nobody is covering the most important topic of all. Why is that? Are they scared? Too afraid of being censored by the man.
0:30 - 0:57
Possibly, but not us. We're here to ask the only question that matters. We try and say it at the same time, Max. What did you do yesterday? What did you do yesterday? That's it. All we're interested in is what the guests got up to yesterday. Nothing more. Day before yesterday, Max. Nope. The greatest and most interesting day of your life. Unless it was yesterday. We don't want to know about it. I'm Max Rushden. And I'm David O'Doherty. Welcome to What Did You Do Yesterday?
1:01 - 1:10
Hello and welcome to What Did You Do Yesterday? My name is Max Rushden. And today alongside me is the Irish comedian, Irish funny man, David O'Doherty. Welcome, David.
1:10 - 1:28
Funny man was in italics there. You will have heard. This is a very special episode for me. In the 20 odd years I've been doing comedy, I've met some wonderful people. And this is one of my faves. This is with Bilal Zafar.
1:29 - 1:48
I first came across Bilal. He used to put up strange things in he was doing stand up. I sort of known of him. And then in the pandemic, he started doing these weird acting master classes where he was getting people who aren't really actors to explain the secrets of their techniques.
1:48 - 2:05
And our first ever contact was he asked me, could he interview me in a black polo neck over Zoom, obviously, about how to act. And I was like, this guy? And then I looked him up and I said, everything he does is wonderful.
2:06 - 2:35
His hot Pepsi football, we talk about it a bit in the episode is, it's one of those things where you're watching it going for I think most people going I don't know what this is. Yeah, I like this thing. You know, I'm not sure for a while I don't. It's not real, but maybe it's real. You know, then his I don't give a shit on social media. And yeah, whoever's been cancelled going, I don't know why you're all bad mouthing him. He's a great guy. And you're like, Oh, my God, it's just a sort of RIP.
2:35 - 3:05
Your mentions account. It's so funny. He's just a beautiful man and his humanity comes out through all of his work. He's working on a new show for the Edinburgh Fringe that will play I would say around Britain later this year. The show's called Rubicon. He's got a podcast with Joey Page called Got a Problem, mate. I'm so happy. I love this episode. I love this man. This is what Bilal Zafar,
3:05 - 3:21
did yesterday. Bilal Zafar, welcome to What Did You Do Yesterday? Thank you for having me.
3:21 - 3:31
This, to the listeners, is the first time we've ever recorded the podcast with a person clearly sitting in front of a green screen background.
3:31 - 3:39
I mean, if we had entered the video podcasting realm, Max, we could have such fun with this guy. We could put him anywhere.
3:40 - 3:46
He could be in Miami. He could be in Stevenage. And all other places. All other places.
3:47 - 3:54
Where else? That's it. Miami and Stevenage. Hipswich. I know there are loads of places.
3:54 - 4:06
No, there are loads of places. I'm excited about this, Bilal. I'm hoping, because I can't, I paid you a compliment before we came on it, but I enjoy your social media work more than most people's social media work.
4:06 - 4:10
Unless, of course, you did any yesterday, then we can't really get into that realm.
4:11 - 4:14
Yeah, it's tricky. But I need to stop asking what time you woke up yesterday.
4:14 - 4:20
Yes, 10 a.m. Oh, wow. Is that an alarm or just a natural Zafar body clock?
4:21 - 4:27
Alarm at eight. Try and get up then. But I don't. Because I don't need to get up.
4:27 - 4:35
So it's a fully token eight o'clock alarm. Like, is there an expectation when you set up the night before that you will be getting up at this time?
4:35 - 4:45
Or is it just to remind you what the real world is like? I want to get up at eight and be a hustle culture kind of grind guy.
4:45 - 4:52
Diary of a CEO guy. Cold shower. No, I don't do that. Imagine. I had, can I mention this?
4:52 - 4:57
Because I had an anxiety dream. Can I mention when I was asleep? Does anyone ever do that?
4:57 - 5:06
We haven't really got into it, but I think we can. I think what we can discuss is your feelings towards it when you wake up.
5:06 - 5:14
Okay. Is it still on your mind? Yes, I'm panicked a bit. Okay. Yeah. Because I always have anxiety dreams about being on stage.
5:14 - 5:27
Do you guys have those? I don't have those, no. No. If anything, if you could have them a little bit more, Max, you wouldn't have such a low-key, relaxed style when you're up there.
5:27 - 5:34
Just checking your likes as you sit in front of a thousand people. I have a dream where I'm attacked.
5:35 - 5:41
I have the very basic dream where I'm in front of an orchestra playing an instrument that I don't know how to play.
5:42 - 5:48
Like that, which is such a textbook. Like I look down at my hands and I'm holding like a cello or whatever.
5:49 - 5:55
I have that one. Or I have one where a tiger comes out on stage and I have to fight it in front of everyone and they just watch.
5:55 - 6:01
Are you nervous that the tiger is going to kill you or you're worried about the approval of the audience with how you handle?
6:01 - 6:06
That's exactly it. They come off stage with the tiger and you and the tiger are like, that crowd would not.
6:06 - 6:11
Yeah. Not great. It's a Monday, isn't it, Tony? And he's like, yeah, it's a Monday.
6:11 - 6:23
I understand. Yeah, I think the dream is probably examining that exact thing because like the crowd don't seem to react to the tiger.
6:23 - 6:34
You would think that they would leave the theater and be like, we're in, even if there's an orchestra pit, which is eight feet wide, it's probably not going to protect them from the tiger jumping over.
6:34 - 6:40
So it doesn't make any sense that they're staying to watch. But I don't know what happens in the fight because they generally wake up.
6:41 - 6:46
What happens in your awful dream? But what a great way to start. It's not as bad as yours.
6:46 - 6:55
It's just always being unprepared. Yes. That's all it is. I'm doing Edinburgh this year and it's just that I'm doing an Edinburgh show, but I haven't got anything.
6:55 - 7:01
That's basically it. It's never stopped you in the past. Come on. There's no need for that.
7:01 - 7:09
Really good. There's no need for that sort of thing. If you were in the orchestra, you would want the tiger to clear the pit, wouldn't you?
7:09 - 7:15
If you're like the tuba player, you're sitting down there and presumably you know that there's a tiger on the stage.
7:15 - 7:25
Yeah. And then it's jumping over to get the audience. And what you don't want is the tiger to have an inadequate leap because then it will land in the orchestra pit.
7:25 - 7:34
Amongst the glass section. Yeah. But I think in the era of Victorian musicals, there used to be much more novelty acts.
7:34 - 7:41
Like isn't the Hippodrome called the Hippodrome? Because it's possible that it had like hippopotamuses and drones.
7:42 - 7:51
And they have flying hippopotamuses around the Victorians. Roll up, roll up. See the flying hippopotami.
7:52 - 8:01
So when the alarm goes off at eight, do you think, because that's quite a long snooze, like unless you have a special snooze, two hour snooze setting.
8:01 - 8:05
Do you spend, how much time do you spend awake at eight thinking, I'm not, not today?
8:06 - 8:10
I'll look at some emails and stuff. I'll look at my phone before I fall back asleep.
8:10 - 8:18
Yeah. There might be something in there. What I've been getting recently is on Instagram, I had a video go a bit viral, which never happens for me.
8:18 - 8:23
It's me and Richard Herring. Yeah. It's something I recorded a few years ago, which we just sort of cut into clips.
8:24 - 8:32
He's a serial killer in a jumpsuit. Sorry, I need to point out to the listeners, this is a comedy sketch.
8:32 - 8:43
Richard Herring, who we've had on the podcast, is not a serial killer. That would change his discussion of roadworks if there was bodies buried under the road.
8:44 - 8:51
This is the problem. Yeah. Oh. The problem is thousands of people think that he is a real serial killer.
8:53 - 8:58
Such is the quality of the improvised acting. I mean, it's so obviously not real.
8:59 - 9:03
He's wearing an orange jumpsuit that I bought off Amazon, which is a Halloween costume.
9:03 - 9:09
It's mad. My wife is obsessed with reading the comments. Let's examine this. What happens in the clip?
9:09 - 9:15
What is the discussion? Richard Herring is saying women were never interested in me. I never got any dates or anything.
9:15 - 9:20
And I say, well, you killed 17 people. And he says that was before. And that's it.
9:21 - 9:27
Yeah. He's getting accused of all sorts in the comments. It's mad. It just keeps going and going.
9:27 - 9:43
It's nearly had 3 million views. What? Oh, Patricia Arquette commented thinking it was real. I guess true crime is the medium of our time.
9:43 - 9:48
So you are leading into that now. Me and Richard are both. So obviously it's my upload.
9:48 - 9:57
And on Instagram, you can collaborate with people. And Richard's name is there. You can go on his account and you can see that he's not a serial killer.
9:57 - 10:03
Yeah. One of our favorite comments, one of my wife and I's favorite comments is somebody commented and said, and this is, they're serious.
10:03 - 10:07
They said, I looked up, I found him on Wikipedia, found Richard Herring on Wikipedia.
10:07 - 10:11
It says loads of stuff about his career, but it doesn't say anything about the murders.
10:16 - 10:25
I don't want to get into the serious side of this, but do you think that's why Stuart Lee had a problem with him murdering 17 people?
10:25 - 10:43
And that's where the rift, that's where the rift began. It's possible. Presumably like if he was doing time for us, his Wikipedia, I would imagine the fact that he does a blog every day, the fact that he's constantly been doing the Lester theater podcast
10:44 - 10:52
episodes, you know, unless he's doing those remotely from like a pay phone on a landing in a prison.
10:52 - 10:58
You got one call. Who's it to? Paul Merton. Paul Merton for an hour and a half on the art of comedy.
11:02 - 11:10
Okay, great. So how long would you say yesterday? We look at the comments, emails, et cetera, before dozing off.
11:11 - 11:16
Okay. Oh, something else happened as well. Something else weird. I got about five messages wishing me a happy birthday.
11:17 - 11:23
Wasn't my birthday. Oh, great. That's the sort of prank that I would do. Helen Bauer.
11:23 - 11:36
I used to enjoy in the era when I had a Twitter, I would just put a picture of Helen Bauer and happy birthday to the one and only gorgeous Ms. Helen Bauer.
11:36 - 11:48
That's a good prank. Yeah, it's a good prank because it's so gentle. It had been changed on my Facebook and I don't know how or if I've been hacked and why someone would do that.
11:48 - 11:53
It's a gentle hacking, isn't it? Yeah. Yeah, it's fine. It's all right. It's a nice hacking.
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They haven't taken your bank details, have they? They've just slightly altered your birthday. Okay.
11:59 - 12:05
Did anyone wish you happy birthday who should know you well enough that they should know it wasn't your birthday?
12:05 - 12:09
Great question. No, I mean, I don't think so. I don't know when anyone's birthday is.
12:10 - 12:16
Hmm. You know when my birthday is? Just before Christmas. Everyone knows that. I don't know that.
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Yeah, you do. You just get a feeling when it comes to that time of year.
12:21 - 12:29
Teddy Sheringham's is April the 30th. Is it? Yeah. Victoria Beckham's, I believe, is April 17th.
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Okay. Is that right? The day before my birthday. Okay. Is that right? I don't know.
12:33 - 12:39
You've brought it to the table, Bill. I can't confirm it. Get this for a group, though, on December the 18th.
12:39 - 12:50
The greatest birthday of all. David O'Doherty. Yeah. Stalin. Shakira. Really? Yeah. What a group.
12:50 - 12:56
So, yeah. Sorry. So, yeah. I fall back asleep till about 10. And you wake up and your wife has got a cake.
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And streamers, it's your special day. What happens at 10? Do we bounce up then? Please say another two hour snooze.
13:06 - 13:14
Then I snooze for two hours. I play with the cat. My cat is very aggressively wants to be played with.
13:14 - 13:18
She makes you follow her to the living room. And then she sort of flops onto her back.
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She's very aggressive with me. Bites me a lot. That happens for about five minutes.
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Does she want to be put in a Snoopy suitcase like James Acastery's cat? What?
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Excuse me? I haven't heard that one. It sounds like I'm talking about something else.
13:36 - 13:42
But no. The cat loves getting in bags. One of the cats. Cats are great, man.
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The Snoopy suitcase does sound like an Urban Dictionary thing, doesn't it? I don't want to do that with a cat.
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What's your cat called, Bilal? Minnie. Minnie. Okay. Minnie. Minnie Coco is her full name because her mum's called Coco and she looks like her mum.
13:56 - 14:01
And that's my mum's cat. Oh, I see. Okay. That's nice. That's good stuff, isn't it?
14:01 - 14:06
People, the cat lovers will love that. You two don't care. Well, I'm a cat.
14:06 - 14:15
I'm a cat. I'm trying to care. So do cats, is it like Icelandic people that it comes through the name of the mother?
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No, they come through the name of the father. Like Goodmanson. Yes. I'm David Jimson.
14:22 - 14:26
Judaism has that, doesn't it? So, you know, if it comes down the mother's line, maybe they're Jewish cats.
14:27 - 14:33
But in Judaism, is the name sustained? Is it the mother's name becomes your surname?
14:33 - 14:36
I don't know. I don't know. But also, we don't know who my cat's dad is.
14:37 - 14:47
He's a deadbeat dad. He's not been around. Surely Coco does. Talk to Coco. She doesn't want to talk about it.
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You know, cats can sleep with multiple male cats and all the kittens can be sort of belonging to different fathers.
14:56 - 15:02
Yeah. Yeah. Wow. Really? I think so. Yeah. What? If they have a really sort of randy couple of days when they're ovulating?
15:03 - 15:07
They get so randy. My mum's cat, right? They have a cat flap that you can lock.
15:08 - 15:17
She was in heat. She broke through the cat flap. Wow. The cat flap. She smashed through it with her head and then got off with some cats.
15:19 - 15:41
Disco. Big tonguey kisses. My friend told me that the seal, the lady seal can hold the man potion in her until the time is right to then blend the two substances to create the new seal.
15:41 - 15:48
But there is that potential where, yeah, almost like stealing it and freezing it. So they don't do that.
15:49 - 15:55
That's cool. I'm just telling you some more of my reproduction facts. Can seal do that as well?
15:55 - 16:06
As in kiss from a rose? Never kiss seal. He will hold it. So the cat has brought you to the sitting room now.
16:06 - 16:11
So that's good. You're officially up. I'm up. You're in the day. I'm in the day.
16:11 - 16:18
I have a shower. And then I have a problem. And that is, so I couldn't find any of my socks.
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Okay. The day before I found a bag of my socks that need to be washed.
16:24 - 16:27
So I washed them and put them all out to dry for the morning. Interruption.
16:28 - 16:33
None of. Okay. Was it just a bag of socks or was there other dirty laundry there?
16:33 - 16:37
Or do you just keep your dirty socks in a specific bag? A bag of socks.
16:37 - 16:41
There was like a kind of bag for life with all these socks, right? Put them out to dry.
16:41 - 16:48
I can't find any. Sorry, interruption. You give the impression that you have not contributed to the fact that there's a bag for life full of socks.
16:48 - 16:53
It's just like, I found. Well, this is the thing. It turns out I can't find any pairs.
16:53 - 17:00
Okay. It turns out what's happened is, is that my wife found all these odd socks and put them in a bag.
17:00 - 17:04
But now I've got all these wash socks and that none of them are in pairs.
17:04 - 17:11
Now the extra problem I have is a problem you guys won't have is that currently it is Ramadan, right?
17:11 - 17:16
Yes. So I am going to the mosque and stuff, trying to more than I usually would.
17:16 - 17:25
And what's the problem there? Shoes off. Yeah. People will see my socks. Right. Now, some people recognize me there sometimes.
17:27 - 17:31
They can't see that I've got odd socks. Would that be noticed? Would that be really?
17:31 - 17:37
I mean, obviously it's not a key part of Islamic culture, but like. It's not a cultural thing, but I think.
17:37 - 17:41
No. I think you would. People would notice, people would be like, oh my God, he's turned up with odd socks.
17:42 - 17:48
So surely though, there's two socks that are vaguely similar that you get away with.
17:48 - 17:54
They are vaguely similar, but it's not right, is it? It's not right. It's not right.
17:54 - 18:06
And also, because I'll do this sometimes, I'll just find two white socks, but because the elastic in them is slightly different tensions, as I put them on, I'm just like.
18:06 - 18:11
It's horrible, isn't it? All kinds of wrong. Yeah. This is going to absolutely ruin the whole day.
18:12 - 18:17
If you have to do two different textures of socks, that's terrible. What do we end up putting on our feet?
18:18 - 18:24
I've got two socks that are, one has got like sort of diamonds on it and the other's got sort of lines.
18:24 - 18:27
You know how it is. But they're both gray or black or? They're both black.
18:28 - 18:33
They're both black. It's not too bad. I saw, do you know that Twitter account, Fesshole?
18:33 - 18:44
Yes. Yes. I think it was on that account. Somebody said that they were so fed up of making pairs of their socks that they chucked away all of their socks and just bought loads, like 50 pairs of black socks.
18:44 - 18:52
So they never have that. That's brilliant. Don't you think? You don't think so. Black socks will lose their blackness.
18:52 - 18:57
You would imagine after a while. What are you talking about? What? Do they? What will they turn?
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Will they turn white? What? I don't know if they'll turn white. Well, traditionally, it's a black sock can ruin your white wash, but it turns everything gray.
19:08 - 19:13
So I'm just, I don't trust that they will hold the color. That's what I'm saying.
19:13 - 19:21
So what should I get if I do this? Get all white socks? Yeah, I'd go maybe all white socks, but I don't know what sort of shoes you're wearing at the moment.
19:21 - 19:27
Because if you're wearing sort of black slip-ons, you'll look like Michael Jackson. Is that a bad thing?
19:28 - 19:33
Worse now. I'd say worse now. You've checked the news for the last few years.
19:33 - 19:42
Yeah. This is interesting. I was always a dark sock guy in the UK, but in Australia, I'm white socks all the way.
19:42 - 19:52
Why is that? I don't know. Maybe shorts. Shorts vibe. Sunnier climate. Yeah. He, Bilal, Max also has the creep socks.
19:52 - 19:56
Do you know the ones that just peek up over the top of the runner?
19:57 - 20:08
The socks that are- Interruption. Interruption. Hello. Hello. I'm a creep sock. No. No. I used to wear those until you and Josh Whittacombe on this podcast told me off, and I haven't worn them since.
20:09 - 20:11
I'm quite easily influenced. So I haven't worn them for like a year and a half.
20:12 - 20:17
They're little ankle tappers. Okay, fine. Yeah. Okay. So we've got some socks on and presumably other clothes.
20:18 - 20:23
Hang on. We've buried the leads here. What's happened to your actual socks? Where are all your good socks?
20:23 - 20:31
I don't know. I blame Minnie for this. Maybe. I genuinely, I'm really confused. Yeah.
20:31 - 20:36
Okay. And I kind of don't want to bring it up with my, because it feels bad that I don't know.
20:36 - 20:41
I mean, she has meddled with the sock, right? So she was taking, she was putting them in a bag to get rid of them.
20:41 - 20:45
And you've taken them out and washed them and put them back into circulation. I don't think she was getting rid of it.
20:45 - 20:51
They weren't a bin bag. That would be, that would be very bad for the marriage if she was chucking half my socks away.
20:51 - 20:58
Yeah. Socks are cheap. Can I say this? You can buy five pairs of socks.
20:58 - 21:09
Oh, you're so out of touch, David. There is an opportunity. I'm not saying go with the all black socks, but just to start again, to have a sock rebirth without too much investment, maybe.
21:10 - 21:16
Start again. If I had a weekly observer column, I'd do starting again with my new socks.
21:18 - 21:24
And we'd follow the journey every week. A thousand words on that. Adrian Childs could do it.
21:24 - 21:33
You know Adrian could do it, don't you? Okay, so we put on these almost matching socks and some other clothes.
21:33 - 21:37
Yes. So it's Ramadan. So you can't eat when it's light. Is that this is...
21:37 - 21:41
That's right, yeah. But you didn't at eight o'clock, maybe you had a chance and you didn't do it.
21:41 - 21:44
So... Well, you're supposed to get up. So you're supposed to eat at about sort of 4 a.m.
21:45 - 21:49
Okay. And then you're back to sleep at about, I think it's about 4.30 at the moment.
21:49 - 21:53
Hang on. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Is this the source of the anxiety dream then maybe?
21:53 - 21:57
The fact that you've just eaten a large meal in the middle of the night?
21:57 - 22:02
No, because I get them all the time. Okay. Okay. Yeah. I get them all the time.
22:02 - 22:09
And they're always the same. Yeah. Right. I'm just wondering if the 4 a.m. feed is part of today.
22:09 - 22:15
Did you do a 4 a.m. Ramadan meal? Yes, I did. Okay. Wow. That's... Yeah.
22:15 - 22:21
I think then this might be the one loophole that technically... I feel it's breaking the rule.
22:21 - 22:25
You're going to get a lot of angry... A lot of your racist listeners. Yeah.
22:26 - 22:31
Actually, we have a Patreon for them. So we prioritize them. Right, yeah. Racist listeners.
22:32 - 22:35
Just in case people wanted to know, what have you got? What have you had at 4?
22:35 - 22:41
So I've got this thing I've been doing, which is Coco Chia Moose. Are you aware of this?
22:42 - 22:50
Sounds rich. It does sound rich. Sounds like something you should wash yourself with. So it's a bit fancy, right?
22:50 - 22:57
So you're soaking chia seeds. Yeah. Have you done this before? Right? You've got to soak them the night before.
22:57 - 23:02
They sort of expand a little bit. I put that into some Greek yogurt. Yeah.
23:02 - 23:08
With a big scoop of chocolate protein powder. Whoa. Yeah, with a bit of peanut butter and a bit of honey.
23:08 - 23:18
And you mix it all up and it makes this lovely dessert type thing, which the chia seeds sort of keep you feeling full for a bit long.
23:18 - 23:27
And it's apparently very good for you for lots of reasons. Good fiber. Do the chia seeds not also feel the need to evacuate the rest of the system?
23:27 - 23:32
I thought that was something that we were warned by one of our high performance guests, Max.
23:32 - 23:39
Because chia seeds can cause big old plops. Is that not the case? It's good for you though, isn't it?
23:39 - 23:45
It's... Okay. It is good to go to the toilet. It's definitely good to go to the toilet, but you don't want it immediately, I guess.
23:45 - 23:52
My dad's a doctor, so I'm just guessing from that that you don't want it to go straight through you, especially if you're at four in the morning.
23:52 - 23:59
No, it doesn't. It doesn't go straight through it. Yeah. It's not laxative. You can drink fluids during the day.
24:00 - 24:07
No, no, no. You can't. Oh, no fluids. No, no, no. But what about in football when they stop and take on...
24:07 - 24:11
Oh, but it's no water then. In football, they stop when dusk hits because they're famished.
24:12 - 24:16
Oh, yeah. And all your fans of this podcast, boo. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They don't do that.
24:16 - 24:22
Stop calling our fans. And rightly so. They shouldn't be meddling with our game. Right.
24:22 - 24:28
Stuff like that. Did you say you could have water? No, you don't have water in the day.
24:28 - 24:36
You don't have food or water. But it's only until about sort of 5.30, 5.45. Yeah. It's not that bad.
24:36 - 24:41
It's been harder. Ramadam always... These are dumb questions. It's always at the same time of year, right?
24:41 - 24:50
No. So... Oh. Because the Islamic calendar is based off the moon. Okay. So every year, I think it moves back.
24:51 - 24:55
So we've had it before where it's in the summer. I found that really tough.
24:55 - 25:03
Yeah. Yeah, I bet. That's why you've never won Wimbledon. That's it, yeah. Yeah. Anyway, shall we come back to...
25:03 - 25:11
We're now back to 11 o'clock, yeah. I'm one of these people. I don't know if it's ADHD or whatever, but I need to have my little earphones in like all day.
25:11 - 25:21
And I've always got something playing. I've got YouTube premium. Yeah. So congratulations. My For You feed throws up basically sad Spurs fans.
25:22 - 25:33
Okay. Talking about their club. Yeah. And I'm listening to that. To the listeners. Balal is a supporter of North London's two great rivals.
25:34 - 25:42
There's the red team and the blue team. White team. The white team. You're in a Tottenham kit and they're in white.
25:42 - 25:53
You're literally wearing one right now. I've worn this to try and troll them. But so Arsenal, Balal's team are leading at the moment for the first time in a long time.
25:53 - 26:00
Yeah. But it's getting quite anxious among the fan base, you would have to say, as it comes towards the end of the season.
26:00 - 26:12
But it's a bit like Ireland versus England in any sport. Like we've got the rugby on at the moment where most people want Ireland to win.
26:12 - 26:16
Sure. But would they actually prefer England to lose?
26:16 - 26:35
Like I know I do a very negative thing where after an England loss such as they lost to Italy this weekend, I will make a point of listening to the rah-rah podcast, like the Telegraph rugby podcast, which is just loads of posh blokes who are absolutely furious.
26:35 - 26:45
So I imagine what you're doing is a similar thing. It's mad how that's a part of my enjoying football now is the sad rival fans.
26:45 - 26:54
Yeah. It's just, it's mad that that's what it is now. Whenever Cambridge win, I go to the Twitter account of the opposition to see the opposition manager.
26:54 - 26:59
They're always the same sort of grizzled lower league manager. They always say the same thing.
26:59 - 27:04
Look, you know, they play horrible football, but like you've got to credit them with what they've done.
27:05 - 27:09
They've come here and they've looked, they've had a game plan. It's really hard to play against them.
27:09 - 27:14
They're very physical. They've done us. But like there was only one team trying to play today and that was us.
27:14 - 27:19
It's literally exactly the same. And obviously if we lose, I'd never watch an opposition manager crowing.
27:19 - 27:25
So I know what you're doing. I'm, you know, Tottenham are my big team who win things, who may get relegated.
27:25 - 27:33
And if I was an Arsenal fan, I'd be so excited about that. Yeah. I think it's objectively hilarious, but sad for me.
27:33 - 27:45
What is the sad Spurs video that stays with you? They're doing like a Zoom call and one of them's really angry and shouting and the other's like, it's not that bad.
27:46 - 27:58
It's really bad. I don't know. I just find it fascinating. There's a guy who's like in his forties, who's got like all Spurs kits on his wall behind him and he's shouting and he's probably got his kids in the other room.
28:00 - 28:05
Yeah. I'm fascinated by it. And like the fury that has carried on. This is like two days.
28:05 - 28:08
They haven't played for like, you sort of feel the fury like a minute afterwards.
28:08 - 28:13
And then you go, oh, well, I've been out of some toast. But people who are still furious like three days later.
28:13 - 28:18
And I do work for TalkSport and the shows I do don't really have those kind of phone-ins.
28:18 - 28:24
But they exist, you know, just people constantly furious. I think they have. I've written about this.
28:24 - 28:31
So I read about it. Like it is, it has been sort of scientifically proved that it is bad for you to like follow a sports team.
28:31 - 28:36
Like it's actually bad. It's actually not healthy because of the pain and the anxiety.
28:36 - 28:40
Even if you think you might win, it's bad for you. If you're losing, it's bad for you.
28:41 - 28:45
It's just we should all go and like something else. And we'd be sort of happier.
28:45 - 28:49
Well, the difficulty I see, and this will be interesting to ask Bilal about this.
28:50 - 28:57
This is the best possible time you would think to be a fan of Spurs rivals Arsenal.
28:57 - 29:05
Are you experiencing it as joy or are you just experiencing it as anxiety? There's so much anxiety, but then there's so much relief.
29:05 - 29:10
Like that game, as we record this, the last league game was when we narrowly beat Brighton.
29:10 - 29:17
Yeah. And then Man City drew with Nottingham Forest. And the relief of that full-time whistle, I was going absolutely mad.
29:17 - 29:22
The euphoria just in my living room. Yeah. And I've got a season ticket as well.
29:23 - 29:29
So I'm, yeah, I'm there a lot. And it's the same feeling. Yeah. We do this for a while.
29:29 - 29:40
And what's next on the agenda? Let's see. My mum sent me a video of somebody leaving an egg of a chicken in the nest of an eagle.
29:41 - 29:47
And the eagle then raising the chicken. And it's obviously... This is AI. It's obviously, yeah.
29:47 - 29:56
It's so obviously AI. Unless your mum has been piloting her drone up to watch this nest for a month.
29:56 - 30:01
She sends that in the family WhatsApp group. And I have to explain that lots of things are fake now.
30:01 - 30:09
Oh, no. Why did you do it? Just give her the eagle birth. Do you think...
30:09 - 30:14
So hang on. Does the chicken become an eagle? Does the chicken like soar above the clouds?
30:14 - 30:18
Oh, interesting. Have it been raised by the eagle? Or does the eagle leave the chicken?
30:18 - 30:21
It's not a chicken, actually. It's like, it's a duck. I forgot it's a duck.
30:21 - 30:27
Okay, okay. The duck is in a pond and the eagle is like nearby. I've seen...
30:27 - 30:34
And it's definitely... It's the pre-AI era. There's a photo that I have on my computer for some reason.
30:34 - 30:43
It was my background for a while, which was a lady tiger gave birth to some tigers who I think...
30:43 - 30:47
Because it didn't happen in the zoo very often. They weren't able to care for them.
30:47 - 30:55
And the baby tigers all died. So they got pigs and put tiger skin coats on them.
30:55 - 31:04
And she just raised the pigs then for a while. So there was... And in a WhatsApp group, Bilal had to explain.
31:04 - 31:13
So as I say, actually, these are not your... Look closely. It is one of the questions of our times.
31:13 - 31:19
Do we tell parents that's just AI or just... Well, I guess it depends, right?
31:19 - 31:26
It depends what it is. If it is something politically that can be quite bad.
31:27 - 31:38
Yeah. Like Trump doing WWE wrestling moves on the Ayatollah, say. So... Yes. Or Trump standing with Charlie Kirk and Jesus.
31:40 - 31:44
Although that was the moment. That was the moment when I thought, actually, these guys are...
31:44 - 31:52
They've got a point. Yeah. And I'm with them. I suppose of all the uses of AI, like the eagle chicken thing is nice, right?
31:52 - 31:56
That person's not trying to ruin the world with AI. How does your mum react?
31:57 - 32:02
Does she take it on the chin? Yeah. She says, okay. Yeah, it's fine. But she'll continue to do this.
32:02 - 32:08
It's not made any difference. But I then... And this is something I... So I've...
32:08 - 32:14
I'm looking for a day job, if you can believe it. A guy with no socks, right?
32:14 - 32:22
Okay. I've had quite a difficult couple of years. My wife has endometriosis. And that's caused that she's not been able to work for a couple of years.
32:22 - 32:27
And the cost of living in London. Been finding that very difficult. And the way that stand-up comedy is...
32:27 - 32:35
I'm waiting to be paid for some gigs I did in January. I'm waiting. You just wait till you get your sweet dough from doing this.
32:35 - 32:41
You might be waiting a while. I make a bit off of my online stuff I do, but yeah, not enough.
32:42 - 32:46
Lockdown was the peak for that, like it was for a lot of people. What job do you think you could do?
32:46 - 32:52
So I've been doing a bit of work over the last sort of year. I've been doing stuff in SEN, special education needs.
32:52 - 33:01
I worked in an SEN school for a bit. And then I did a thing called SEN tutoring, where you spend a certain amount of hours a day with a child that can't be in school for whatever reason.
33:01 - 33:06
I'm sorry, is that with Michael SEN, who used to play for Chelsea? That's right.
33:07 - 33:13
Michael SEN. Yeah. Thank you. That's good stuff, man. Yeah, thanks. That's going in the show.
33:14 - 33:29
I love, sorry, interruption. While Bilal is trying to explain this beautiful bit of work that he's doing to help children, and then you put in a Michael Essien joke, and then most of this pod you're explaining to American listeners what and who people are,
33:29 - 33:39
but you don't stop to explain who the hell Michael Essien is. Anyway, sorry, you're doing this SEN stuff, which my wife did a bit of that, and it's incredible work.
33:40 - 33:43
It's really, it can be really tough. It can be really, I mean, it's great.
33:43 - 33:47
And, like, you've got to really respect people that do it, like, who are good at it.
33:47 - 33:54
I'm okay at it. I've been trying to get into sort of mainstream schools as well, though, as a kind of TA.
33:54 - 33:59
I have a call with an agency, and they say, we'll get you in for a trial day today.
33:59 - 34:11
Wow. Right? And that's good. You'd be so good at that. I mean, so, hang on, does the job in the kid on their own thing, what age group would you be teaching then?
34:11 - 34:21
I think they're sort of 12 to 15. And what do you know about, can you teach, like, algebra or English lit or what?
34:21 - 34:27
With the SEN kids, it's very basic stuff. Yeah. It's basically a primary level education.
34:28 - 34:31
Okay. For that. So you don't need to be a trained teacher, which I'm not.
34:31 - 34:36
I mean, I don't have any qualification, and that's been difficult in trying to find any kind of work.
34:36 - 34:43
So, yeah, it's quite basic stuff. It's like life skills as well, like crossing the road safely, taking them out for a walk and spending money at a shop.
34:44 - 34:51
Yeah. And getting the right change. It's stuff like that. Getting 16 million views on a old video.
34:51 - 35:01
Yeah. How to go viral. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. The three R's, reading, writing, going viral.
35:02 - 35:09
That's what they are, aren't they? Yeah. Yeah. So I'm doing that right now. Basically, I signed up for the Edinburgh Fringe a few days ago.
35:09 - 35:14
Yes. And I didn't realize it was the deadline when it was. That's 300 quid gone.
35:14 - 35:22
And that's put me in a panic. Oh, shit. You know? Yeah. Did you have to think of a title for your show in a rush?
35:23 - 35:26
I did. Yeah, I had to do that too. You did it as well. Yeah.
35:26 - 35:31
So I basically changed. I was going to do a show about all of this SCN stuff.
35:31 - 35:36
I did a preview recently and I just thought I'm kind of bored of this kind of storytelling stand up.
35:36 - 35:41
So now I'm going to do a show which is like part of it's going to be a game show and it's going to be really silly.
35:41 - 35:46
Like the stuff I do on Twitch, if you've seen that stuff. Yeah. The title of the show is going to be Rubicon.
35:46 - 35:53
Great. Based on the drink. And there's going to be part of it. Part of it's going to be a game show called Crossing the Rubicon.
35:53 - 35:57
But I don't really know what it is yet. It's a good name though. All you need is a good name.
35:57 - 36:04
And then the rest of it follows, I reckon. Yeah. It's so incredibly specific. I'm imagining Crossing the Rubicon.
36:05 - 36:09
You need someone doing the show with you who's dressed as a giant bottle of Rubicon.
36:09 - 36:15
Yeah, that's good. Current drink. And then to cross them, you know, you have to either.
36:15 - 36:21
It's like, what's that Indian game? Kubadi. It's like that. You have to break through.
36:21 - 36:27
You have to hold your breath. You need a line of people all dressed as bottles of Rubicon.
36:27 - 36:33
The problem is this show has immediately, it's now got a cast of at least 10 in it.
36:33 - 36:37
So it'll be difficult. And if I'm getting the audience up to do it. Oh my God.
36:38 - 36:44
Does the public liability insurance have to be, has to be more, right? Kubadi. Yeah.
36:44 - 36:54
I think you just don't be insured and it, no one's going to, you can't sue if you hurt yourself when you're dressed as a giant Rubicon holding your breath, crossing from one side of the stage to the other.
36:54 - 37:01
No one's going to fill out that form. They'll just be like, I just have to live without this leg, but I can't tell anybody why I'm doing this.
37:02 - 37:14
My panic was, so I needed to find a photograph, first of all, because you needed to submit a photograph for the program and I found a amazing Australian photographer.
37:14 - 37:25
I'd taken some backstage photos a couple of years ago, a guy called Photobat. And there is a picture of me holding my novelty keyboard and there's an arrow.
37:25 - 37:30
So then I thought, I'll think of a name that'll look good if this is the poster.
37:31 - 37:36
And so the arrow points and the name of the show is at this stage.
37:37 - 37:45
Oh. So it's David already at this stage because there's a sort of a pun that I am at whatever stage I'm at, but I'm also.
37:45 - 37:50
And then in brackets, it says crossing the Rubicon. I don't like. You can't have that.
37:51 - 38:00
It's too late, mate. It's got it. But are you finding that the teaching stuff like that you're really enjoying doing?
38:01 - 38:06
Because I guess when you first thought I've got to do this, it was more like a necessity than a dream.
38:06 - 38:11
Yeah. But now you've done it. Do you sort of feel there's a lot to sort of get out of it as well?
38:11 - 38:15
It's a bit of a mix of stuff. Working in an SEN school, I found too difficult.
38:15 - 38:27
That was too much. What's hard about it is that doing, being a comedian and because I've had, I've been quite successful in comedy and the fact I have to do this now, I did feel a bit embarrassed.
38:27 - 38:32
So I wouldn't talk about this before. If this was like a year ago, I probably wouldn't have brought it up on this podcast.
38:32 - 38:40
Steven, do you know, my cat is meowing, sorry. And scrolling Instagram and seeing all my friends doing amazing things makes me feel bad.
38:40 - 38:44
Do you know what I mean? So it's like, I more struggle with that than the actual work.
38:45 - 38:52
Yeah. But I think you have always done like your beautiful show about working in an old folks home.
38:52 - 39:01
You know, you have always had this sort of very conscious vibe to you and the work you've done, you know, with respect.
39:02 - 39:10
I didn't imagine that you lived in a castle. That's not respectful. That's the opposite of respect.
39:11 - 39:15
The last time David said with respect, he was about to say a movement like a butt plug.
39:15 - 39:29
So this is a stuff. David, my point is, I see all of this. I also see how you bring it into your work and your work is close to stuff like working with Michael Essien.
39:29 - 39:43
So yeah, I think that is, I also think it's great that you're willing to talk about it as well, because like the reality for most comedians is that it fluctuates from times of work and times of not much work.
39:43 - 39:47
And it's really hard. I want to, I really want to be on the great pottery throw down the celebrity version of that.
39:48 - 39:54
Have you done that, David? No, I've not done that, but it's a very relaxing show.
39:54 - 40:03
That's the one that Siobhan McSweeney hosts. And there's one of the judges when he sees a piece of work that he likes, he bursts into tears.
40:03 - 40:09
That guy. Yeah. Yeah. That's a great show. Really good. Yeah. That's where I want to get to.
40:10 - 40:19
Okay. So when they said calling you in for, can you work today? Is this yesterday?
40:19 - 40:25
Yeah. So this would have been today, which I will get to late. I'm sort of, I'm really trying to do this chronologically.
40:26 - 40:30
Yeah. Yeah. Right. So hopefully you didn't cancel them because we asked you to do this podcast.
40:31 - 40:36
Oh, wow. Good. Yeah. I wouldn't do that. I wouldn't do that. Poor Michael Essien is like, I don't know.
40:37 - 40:40
There's no one to help me today because I have to tell Max and David.
40:40 - 40:43
I got up at midday. Okay. So where are we, where are we going now?
40:44 - 40:50
Okay. So yeah. Edinburgh admin, just replied to some emails and stuff from my PR, thinking about my show a bit.
40:50 - 40:55
Oh, and then I do a bit of podcast editing. I have a podcast I do with comedian Joey Page.
40:55 - 41:03
Yeah. What a problem, mate. Gapham. G-A-P-M. It sounds like I've put that in. It sounds like I'm lying to promote it, but I did have to edit some of that.
41:04 - 41:09
Then I have a break from that. I play FIFA Ultimate Team. Do you know what that is?
41:09 - 41:13
Well, I know what FIFA is, but I don't know what FIFA Ultimate Team is.
41:13 - 41:16
So this is just, it's not, this isn't a Twitch thing or anything, just for myself.
41:17 - 41:22
It's when you play online against people and you sign all these players and you can sign like legends as well.
41:22 - 41:29
So I've got like Dennis Bergkamp and Tevez. Yeah. I got Adam Wharton in yesterday, but I lost two games.
41:30 - 41:34
Oh no. Both in the last minute. Do you know who you're playing against? Is it like 15 year olds from Sweden?
41:35 - 41:42
Probably. You have no idea. Okay. Could be anyone. Yeah. And do you play a full 90 minute game of fake football?
41:43 - 41:46
No, I don't have that much time. I think it's 10 minutes. Okay. It's a match.
41:47 - 41:52
But it's a good bit of fun. Right. Who's the commentator on these? Yes. That's the question.
41:52 - 42:01
When I sort of stopped these games, the commentary was really bad. So like, they'd say the same thing over and over again, being like, he didn't want that to happen.
42:01 - 42:09
Did he? It's a goal for Fulham. Like it was like really badly. But maybe they've made it slightly better these days.
42:10 - 42:14
Yeah. The new FIFA game. It's exactly. It's who would be on Sky Sports. So who is that?
42:14 - 42:19
Is it Martin Tyler? Peter Drury now, isn't it? Yeah. But it's very good. It's very good commentary.
42:20 - 42:25
And then my wife's been a bit unwell with her endo pain and she's been resting a lot.
42:25 - 42:31
And I said, let's go for a walk to the shops. Love it. We go to this nice little area we like.
42:31 - 42:35
I buy a kilogram of chicken breast because I'm going to be cooking. It's a lot of chicken.
42:36 - 42:41
A kilogram of socks. That's what you do in London. A kilogram of socks. You buy socks by weight.
42:41 - 42:48
Yeah. We get some mini eggs, some Tim Tams. What? Interruption. She wanted me to try Tim Tams.
42:48 - 42:56
Yes. Is it hard when you're doing Remedant to buy food like mini eggs that basically you want to open and eat straight away?
42:56 - 43:00
Or are you in a different sort of plane where you just know what you've got to do?
43:00 - 43:08
So you're sort of beyond that. It's all right, to be honest. Because at this point, it's like you're feeling like by the time we're home, it's not too long.
43:08 - 43:15
Okay. But sometimes it can be tough. It really depends what you're up to, I think, on the day and how hot you might feel or whatever.
43:15 - 43:20
But right now it's quite nice spring days. It's not too bad. I can enjoy the mini eggs later.
43:20 - 43:29
Yeah. Tell me about the Tim Tams because Tim Tams are Australia's favorite biscuit. Is that where they're from?
43:29 - 43:40
Yeah. Oh, very much so. Some Australians. They're very proud. Yeah. They go on the way Irish people go on about Guinness, but they do now seem to be a more global kind of a thing.
43:41 - 43:44
They're basically the same as a penguin, but don't say that they're similar to penguin.
43:44 - 43:49
They're just like a penguin. They are like a penguin. Shh. Don't say that. Right.
43:49 - 44:02
Sorry. Australian listeners. Dropping up. As we walk back from the shop, right, there is a massive dog near our flat, which is, I'm not sure.
44:02 - 44:07
What are those sort of canine police dog type ones? Rottweiler. I don't know dogs that well.
44:07 - 44:11
No, not a Rottweiler. I'm not sure. It's not a St. Bernard. I don't think so.
44:11 - 44:17
Not the Mountain Rescue. Does it have like a barrel of port under its... Is it like Paw Patrol?
44:17 - 44:20
Does one of them have a helmet on? And is he in a little helicopter?
44:21 - 44:25
One of them was in a helicopter. Yeah, that's right. Yeah, Paw Patrol. You'd be nicked.
44:25 - 44:33
That's Liberty. Liberty is in the Helen Copter. This story doesn't really go anywhere, but I wanted to ask you like, because basically we realized it was by itself.
44:33 - 44:38
Sky's in the Helen Copter. I'd get told Liberty is... What's Chase? What's Chase? Chase is the policeman.
44:38 - 44:44
So he's in the blue policey car. Marshall is... the firemand. And Rubble is the builder.
44:45 - 44:50
Ooh, interesting combo. It's sort of like a village people type of thing. It is like the village people, yeah.
44:50 - 44:57
And they do synchronized dances. They're massive in the gay scene in the 90s. Yeah, they were.
44:57 - 45:05
And Trump fucking loves them. So, you know, all those similarities are there. Sorry, Bilal, you had an interesting question you were bringing to the table.
45:05 - 45:11
I love Rubble. Rubble is my favorite. We realized this massive dog was by itself.
45:12 - 45:15
And I think it was lost. Oh, no. But then it sort of ran off.
45:15 - 45:21
But also, it was huge. So I was a bit scared. Because if it went for me, I don't know.
45:21 - 45:26
What would you do? I would not be holding a bag of chicken, would be the first thing.
45:29 - 45:37
You'd probably go statue. You know the way some bears, you run at them. And other bears, you lie on the ground and pretend to be dead.
45:37 - 45:40
But you never know which one at the time. You have to stop the bear to Google.
45:40 - 45:44
You don't. Also, it's worth bearing in mind this is not a bear that we're doing.
45:44 - 45:50
No. It's a massive dog. I think you'd fight back. I don't think you'd statue if a dog started attacking.
45:50 - 45:55
I think you roundhouse kick. Or dance. You break dance. Because dogs are scared of break dance.
45:55 - 45:59
That's true. Actually, do you know what I would do? I'd throw a leg over.
45:59 - 46:04
I'd run away from it until I found a branch of a tree that was at about six feet high.
46:05 - 46:16
Okay. And then I would, like in the Olympics, I would grab the branch and fully loop the loop around it so that I was on the back of the dog now.
46:16 - 46:21
Yeah. And now what do we do? No, I'd ride the dog to the dog pound.
46:21 - 46:30
Oh, yeah. Just straight in. And that'll be it. But then I would take a photo of the dog and put it on my social medias afterwards to find out who had lost the dog.
46:31 - 46:36
That's good. That's local news type stuff. That's what I would have done. But what did you do?
46:37 - 46:44
You just walked past it. Well, we walked past it sort of looking back at it and then it sort of ran off and we realized it was by itself.
46:44 - 46:49
But yeah, I was just wondering, I don't know what you're supposed to do. Well, we have a big audience.
46:49 - 46:55
So if you've lost an enormous dog in whereabouts are we? East London. East London.
46:55 - 46:58
Yeah. If you've lost a big dog in East London, what did you do yesterday?
46:58 - 47:04
Pod at gmail.com. It was on the Baskerville estate. Like the hand of the Baskerville.
47:04 - 47:11
Yeah. That's what I'm going for there. Yeah. So after the big dog, I get home to cook this chicken dish I want to make and I get a message.
47:12 - 47:18
I get a call from the agency saying, oh, no, they've said they want someone more experienced in primary schools.
47:18 - 47:27
Boo. Boo. You're not coming in. And then almost immediately David O'Doherty texts me in block capitals saying, can you do podcasts tomorrow?
47:29 - 47:33
And I say, did Ramesh cancel? And what did you say? You had a good reply.
47:33 - 47:42
I said, no, Benazir Bhutto has canceled. It's so hard to get like Benazir Bhutto has canceled.
47:42 - 47:49
So I'm getting to the stage where I'm saying you can't come on. And I tell my wife, it's really nice.
47:49 - 47:53
I was wondering if they'd asked me on because they've had a lot of my friends on lately.
47:53 - 47:59
Mary Elaine. Who was it? Sooz Kempner. Some other people. Yeah. We were always going to get you.
48:00 - 48:03
And I have a list on my phone of the people we're going to get.
48:03 - 48:13
And then we had no guests for today, yesterday. And as the, when we've no guests, the WhatsApp group of Mara's bar and Max goes totally silent.
48:14 - 48:20
I go, oh, okay. Looks like I'll get a guest then. In my defense, it's normally nighttime.
48:20 - 48:23
And so I just wake up and I'm told what I'm doing. That's what happens.
48:23 - 48:31
I'm not offended. I'm very happy. But also like it's a misstep on my part because there are a few people that I could book that David books.
48:31 - 48:41
And I reckon if I'd asked you, you'd have said yes. And so I should have got in there before David because I am, it could be argued behind on number of guests booked.
48:42 - 48:48
He's booked three ever. So yes. I love cooking. And I saw this on Instagram.
48:48 - 48:53
It's like chicken breast in this kind of. Tim Tams. You throw in the Tim Tams.
48:53 - 48:58
The Tim Tams going. Interruption. If it's on Instagram, it takes four seconds and someone's gone.
48:59 - 49:07
Rice Krispies, chicken, mush, cheese, peas. Potatoes, eggs, leeks. And then just roll it into a big bowl.
49:07 - 49:13
Flour. And it's a massive. And then you just go bing. And it's just like a sort of massive loaf of everything.
49:13 - 49:18
Is it that? Basically, it's one of those. It's an AI voice as well. So it's like I shouldn't really, you know.
49:18 - 49:29
Okay. It's like a creamy sauce with mushroom and onions. Great. It's very nice. So start it off cutting the onion up tiny, putting it in.
49:29 - 49:34
So you butter in the pan, lots of butter. Then you fry the chicken either side.
49:34 - 49:37
Then you take the chicken out and put it aside. Then you add the onions.
49:38 - 49:44
Oh, and some garlic. And then the mushrooms. Then you add the chicken back in, I think.
49:44 - 49:47
And then leave it for 20 minutes. Then you take the. You're supposed to take the chicken out again, but I didn't.
49:47 - 49:52
And then you add some heavy cream in. Oh my goodness. I think that's everything.
49:52 - 49:58
Oh, lots of salt and pepper. And it's just this lovely. No spices? No cayenne pepper or anything?
49:58 - 50:02
No, I'll tell you why, though. Because I've been making some very sort of spicy food lately.
50:03 - 50:07
And I think it's not good for my wife's endometriosis. Oh, right. You don't know.
50:07 - 50:11
The thing is, it's kind of weird because you don't know what triggers it. But she had some pain recently.
50:11 - 50:16
And I thought, well, maybe that was the very spicy thing I made. The 15th Vindaloo you made her.
50:17 - 50:22
Exactly. Yeah. So Bilal was thinking, I'll just make something light with this double cream.
50:22 - 50:27
With this liter of double cream. No, I know. I'm aware of that. But she was actually all right yesterday.
50:27 - 50:34
So maybe it's more the spices that trigger. I don't know. Question. Did you. Is it a kilo of chicken?
50:35 - 50:38
No, no, no. For the two of you. Okay, fine. The rest goes in the fridge.
50:38 - 50:43
Got it. Okay. For other great dishes. Interruption. What time can you eat at then?
50:43 - 50:49
I believe yesterday it was at like 5.45. Oh, that's fine. It's not that bad. Yeah.
50:49 - 50:52
I thought you were going to say 8.45 or something like that. No, no, no. Okay, great.
50:53 - 50:58
Another dumb question about how hungry you are. Just because I just. It would be on my mind all day as someone who's never fasted.
50:58 - 51:06
Are you like eating mini eggs while you're cooking the dinner? Or do you cook the dinner so it's ready right on the minute?
51:06 - 51:13
Or are you just like 5.45, 5.55 is fine? Because I'd be like staring at the clock and the sun and everything going.
51:13 - 51:18
I've got four seconds and then we can eat these mini eggs. Yeah, the food was already ready.
51:18 - 51:26
So you break your fast with a date. They're very good for you. And then to be honest, the weird thing is about fasting is that it's like, I guess your stomach kind of shrinks a bit.
51:26 - 51:31
Sure. And then you can't actually eat that much. So I end up eating more of the chicken a bit later in the day.
51:32 - 51:37
Too late probably. But after all that, it's time for, I'm going to do a Twitch stream.
51:37 - 51:42
Oh yeah. In the evening. You know what it is? Hot Pepsi. Hot Pepsi. Hot Pepsi.
51:43 - 51:47
Okay. You're both actually involved in the world of it. Shall I do the explainer here?
51:47 - 51:53
I mean, you- I can explain it succinctly because I've had to do it. I mean, I've had to explain what it is on Times Radio, for God's sake.
51:57 - 52:01
John Pienaar. He just gets off from the Middle East correspondent. I go, now, hot Pepsi.
52:02 - 52:12
Right. Yeah. So basically it's a thing I do on Twitch. Twitch is a live streaming platform, a bit like YouTube, but you watch live.
52:12 - 52:15
People that don't know. There's like a live chat there and stuff and people join in.
52:15 - 52:21
And I wear the top half of a suit and I play an old football game.
52:21 - 52:28
PES 2013 currently. Used to be PES 5. And I am the character of the football manager on the stream for about two hours.
52:29 - 52:32
Everyone in the chat that's there, they all know that they're assistant managers of the club.
52:32 - 52:38
So I'm in character the whole time. The whole audience are in character. So it's kind of a mad thing.
52:38 - 52:46
Right. And my character is, you know, nuts as well. So I got into this in the pandemic and the games just take place.
52:46 - 52:52
You organize the team and the tactics. Then you watch the game. No, I've always been playing the game.
52:53 - 52:57
Have you always been playing the game? I've always been playing it. I hide the controller under my desk.
52:58 - 53:05
And then I've been able to do quite funny things in the game. Like, for example, there was a whole storyline where this is what sort of made it viral in lockdown.
53:06 - 53:14
Where a player goes off for international duty. Jarosik. And in the game, because it's an old Japanese game and some of the translations are a bit weird.
53:14 - 53:20
It doesn't say international duty. It says summons to represent. And I took that as I was improvising.
53:20 - 53:23
I took that as he's gone off to fight in a war for his country.
53:23 - 53:30
And so when he came back, I pretended he'd written a letter to all the players about what war is like and stuff.
53:30 - 53:34
And I'm all emotional. And then he comes back and I'm like, he's all right and everything.
53:34 - 53:43
But then when he comes back, he's basically got like PTSD. And so every time the ball would go to him, he just boot it out of play.
53:44 - 53:47
Because I can control that. Right. Because if I didn't, I can do those jokes.
53:48 - 53:59
So to the listeners, this is almost like a 2D, really basic computer game. And Bilal had written so much backstory to every single thing that happened.
53:59 - 54:08
You were aware of tensions within the boardroom and the dressing room. Yeah. I was roped in as the gardener.
54:08 - 54:13
No. I once had to pretend I was in a garden shed. And I was talking.
54:13 - 54:19
Josie Long, previous guest on this podcast, was like the CEO, the owner of the club.
54:19 - 54:25
She's the owner. She's the billionaire owner of the club. Very corrupt. Yeah. You, you're the chief executive.
54:26 - 54:31
Am I still? Well, technically. But you're just really bad at your job and you don't have a clue.
54:31 - 54:38
That was the whole thing. Quite hands off as well. Yeah. In lockdown, when everybody had time, I'd get comedians on.
54:38 - 54:41
I'd just basically do a video call, but I'd make it look like a boardroom.
54:41 - 54:50
And I'd have a meeting with different members of the club, basically. And yeah, David was the chief executive, but he was, I think you'd wasted loads of money and stuff.
54:50 - 54:56
And we just improvised for 20 minutes. But that was so exciting in lockdown. So what's happening with the team at the moment?
54:56 - 55:02
Okay. So we, uh, yesterday we are in the D1 cup, which is their version of like the FA cup.
55:02 - 55:08
And we field a young team. We've got a player called Ramsey, like R-A-M-Z-I, who it's a fake player that the game's generated.
55:08 - 55:12
He's going to be the future of the club. Great. He's like 16. He's absolutely brilliant.
55:12 - 55:17
Like, so in lockdown, I do really mad storylines. Like I had the one about the player going to war.
55:17 - 55:24
One of the ones I was proudest of was, um, a player who keeps like mouthing off at me and like, um, team meet.
55:24 - 55:30
So I also voiced the players, the camera cuts to them, you know, and eventually I had a punch up with the player.
55:30 - 55:36
So I spent all day animating his fists moving and me kind of dodging and fighting.
55:36 - 55:40
And then by the end of the stream, we gained amazing, like respect for each other.
55:40 - 55:48
Yeah. Right. Because we beat each other up because the whole thing about like sort of Keane and Viera and these players being like, oh, look, he's a hard man.
55:48 - 55:55
So that's something that we should admire. That kind of winds me up. So I get to satirize anything in football basically, but sort of post lockdown.
55:55 - 56:01
So when I'm so busy with other stuff, it's kind of more casual and there's less major storylines like that.
56:01 - 56:13
Got it. But there's still occasionally mad things happen. Recently I drove, we won a cup and I was driving the team bus, like the trophy parade bus, and I drove it into the Wafer headquarters, which is like their version of UEFA.
56:14 - 56:20
That was a thing that happened. So occasionally things happen. Yeah. So yeah, I had that stream last night.
56:20 - 56:27
It's always very fun. And it's like, it's just weirdly like liberating just being in character for like two hours.
56:27 - 56:33
Sure. It's mad. Yeah. It's like me when I do this. Normally I'm just a badass, but for this.
56:33 - 56:39
I just feign interest in other people, you know. We got you on Talk Sport, didn't we?
56:39 - 56:44
During lockdown. We did. And interviewed you as the manager. And we didn't give anyone any context at all.
56:44 - 56:49
And like, obviously quite a few listeners really who knew what we were doing thought it was great.
56:49 - 56:57
And others were just like, what's happened there? Barry Glendenning. You spoke to him straight after and he said it was the worst radio he'd ever heard.
56:59 - 57:09
That sounds like Barry. Yeah. Yeah. That was great. Okay. So we've twitched and... Twitched and now it's about 10 p.m.
57:09 - 57:17
10 p.m. Okay. Yeah. That goes from about eight to 10. That was good fun. I got to upload that to YouTube and do, and then I do some other admin.
57:17 - 57:24
I've got a Patreon. I do a thing on my Twitch stream where I was doing a watch along of Danny Dyer's Deadliest Men, which is good stuff.
57:24 - 57:30
Is that the one where Danny Dyer goes to see the toughest football fans in the world?
57:30 - 57:43
No. No. That's Danny Dyer's real football factories. He talks to someone who used to be, who's been to prison and used to be the most feared gang guy in Edinburgh or something.
57:43 - 57:49
Yeah. And he really admires them. And it's a bit crap. Like some of the episodes are quite good and funny.
57:49 - 57:56
Some of them are so dull. And sometimes there's really nothing going on. I think you introduced me to one, which was he goes to Britain's toughest pubs.
57:58 - 58:04
And there's one where he just goes to a pub in Glasgow and it's just an afternoon.
58:04 - 58:11
Nothing's happening. He's in the corner. He's like, it really feels like any minute this place could go off.
58:11 - 58:21
Yeah. Just some men in their seventies having a smoke. Yeah. There's one where he puts a disguise on to be a bouncer and he's like, it could really kick off any minute.
58:21 - 58:27
Nothing happens. Nothing happens. And then people recognize him because the disguises and they're like, oh, it's Danny Dyer.
58:29 - 58:35
It's just such bad TV. Do you think his agent says, oh, we've got another meeting with a production company.
58:35 - 58:43
And he's like, oh, I really hope this is the great pottery throwback. And they say it's Britain's nastiest truck drive.
58:43 - 58:49
He's like, oh, not again. I've got to go. Britain's toughest potters. Yeah, exactly. Yeah.
58:49 - 58:56
Britain's most furious accountants. I think he's got a softer side. I've interviewed him a couple of times.
58:56 - 59:05
There's a soft side Danny Dyer that he wants to let out. So I basically, I'm doing all this admin after where I'm putting those on my Patreon and it's boring to go into these.
59:05 - 59:09
But yeah, I've got all this online stuff. I have to sort of keep up to date.
59:09 - 59:17
And then eventually time for bed. I want to get in early because I've got to get up early for this because this for me, this is early.
59:18 - 59:22
I didn't want to wake up and be on immediately. I've got to be a bit awake.
59:22 - 59:28
I mean, I think I can say this now, but we recorded one of our midweek shows before this.
59:28 - 59:36
Oh, yeah. Just before we clicked go, Max informed me he'd been awake for six minutes or something.
59:36 - 59:43
Well, I'd had a 6.50 to 7.50 p.m. nap. I put Willie, rushed him down to sleep and then I just fell asleep in that.
59:44 - 59:49
Did you think I was a bit tired at the start of the episode? So you fluffed the opening.
59:49 - 59:56
You said, good evening. And instead of saying like, welcome to midweek mayhem, you introduced the other one.
59:56 - 1:00:03
All right. And then you said, we'll start that again. And I was happy about that because you sounded more awake when we did the second one.
1:00:03 - 1:00:08
Okay, that's good. I appreciate what you've done, Bilal, is what I'm saying. Well, no, thank you.
1:00:08 - 1:00:13
Let's see. So I get in bed and I do something. I've got these orange glasses.
1:00:13 - 1:00:18
Do you know about these that block out blue light? So you can look at your phone in bed?
1:00:18 - 1:00:28
That's the idea. Yeah. Then I play Angry Birds 2. Oh, yeah. Which I've gotten into lately.
1:00:28 - 1:00:32
It's good fun. Yeah, I like Angry Birds. You kill the pigs. What happens at Angry Birds?
1:00:32 - 1:00:36
Sorry. Just, just... Okay, so you've got different type of birds that do different things.
1:00:36 - 1:00:45
They're in a slingshot thing that you pull back and there's all these pigs on all these like crates and like little castles and stuff that you've got to knock off.
1:00:46 - 1:00:57
And the different birds do different things. Yes. And you can press the space bar or something like as they're flying and they might turn into three chickens or they might drop a bomb or like drop an egg that explodes.
1:00:58 - 1:01:05
I only ever play it on the flight when Ian is about to... We need to keep him going for three hours.
1:01:05 - 1:01:12
So then we play Angry Birds. And then at some point he falls asleep. And then I realize I've been playing Angry Birds for six hours when I should have been sleeping.
1:01:12 - 1:01:18
It's an addictive game. It is really good. So how long do you play Angry Birds 2 for with your orange spectacles on?
1:01:18 - 1:01:24
Probably like 20 minutes or something. So I've got a real problem with sleep. I really struggle to fall asleep.
1:01:24 - 1:01:31
I've basically always had this problem. I've got to listen to a boring podcast or something to...
1:01:31 - 1:01:42
Or like a... Not podcast. I find these like... The things I find good are like video essays on YouTube, which if people don't know, it's just a guy usually talking for ages for like hours.
1:01:42 - 1:01:52
Maybe about like the film Eyes Wide Shut. Do you know what I mean? Someone put their heart and soul into writing that script.
1:01:52 - 1:01:59
But I like it. I find it interesting. I think you've got to find the right balance of interesting but a little bit boring.
1:01:59 - 1:02:04
Because it can't be too exciting. I don't mind when people say they fall asleep listening to this.
1:02:04 - 1:02:09
Because there is... I like that there is a familiarity and a comfort in this as well.
1:02:09 - 1:02:15
Like it's like when someone falls asleep in your gig. I take it as a sort of a compliment.
1:02:15 - 1:02:20
You know, in a way it's bad. But in another way... It's when everyone is asleep.
1:02:21 - 1:02:28
That is like... I was once doing a quiz show on BT Sport. You'd film for 45 minutes.
1:02:28 - 1:02:31
And actually it was quite a good show. And they'd cut it down to 10 minutes.
1:02:32 - 1:02:35
So anything good was taken out. So it just had the questions. So you'd think like...
1:02:35 - 1:02:39
I did some good lines in that. And then it was just like... Where do Mansfield play?
1:02:39 - 1:02:43
Field Mill. Next question. Where do Rotherham play? All right. Here we go. It was just like...
1:02:43 - 1:02:47
It was so bad. But anyway... It was one of those where you film like 300 episodes in a day.
1:02:48 - 1:02:56
And so, you know... By 3pm everyone... Like everybody... Nobody wants to be there. But you've got to sort of fade like professionalism.
1:02:56 - 1:03:02
And like the audience... They clearly shipped in from beintheaudience.com As basically... Like you can be somewhere warm.
1:03:03 - 1:03:08
This was like people who had no other choice. And so we're doing like episode 8 of the day.
1:03:08 - 1:03:14
And we just heard this... This old woman... Who I don't think even liked football at all.
1:03:15 - 1:03:19
Was just absolutely fast asleep. And snoring so loudly. That's a moment when you think...
1:03:19 - 1:03:25
This isn't... I'm not sure this one's going to fly. I don't see like... I don't see a mock the week run on this quiz.
1:03:26 - 1:03:33
If we're being honest. Yeah. How long do you normally have to listen to your video essay on Eyes Wide Shut?
1:03:33 - 1:03:38
Or whatever it is. It really depends. It really depends. It can be... Sometimes it can send me right off.
1:03:38 - 1:03:43
And that's quite good. Last night my wife did keep talking to me. As I was almost asleep.
1:03:44 - 1:03:46
That's nice. So she asked me this question. Which I don't know the answer for.
1:03:46 - 1:03:49
And I didn't want to Google it. Because I didn't want to get any more blue light.
1:03:49 - 1:03:54
Right? Yeah. She said... Why do players get yellow cards for taking their shirts off when they celebrate?
1:03:55 - 1:03:59
Oh. Had you been talking about football at all? No. Or did the question just come?
1:03:59 - 1:04:04
Okay. Right. No. It just came up at about maybe like half 12 or something. Right.
1:04:04 - 1:04:07
I think it's a silly law. I think it's about inciting the crowd, isn't it?
1:04:07 - 1:04:10
It's probably that kind of stuff. Is that what it is? Yeah. I think so.
1:04:10 - 1:04:22
Yeah. I don't know. Or is it a sort of obscenity type of a thing that some people maybe don't want to see Ryan Giggs' hairy chest as he swings his white long sleeve Man United jersey around his head?
1:04:22 - 1:04:26
But then when the players are like getting ready to come on, they might take their shirt off and put something.
1:04:26 - 1:04:33
So it's like, it can't be, you can't show your chest. My wife thought it might be to do with tattoos and tattoos being offensive or something.
1:04:33 - 1:04:36
And I was like, I don't think it's that. So we got into a thing about that.
1:04:36 - 1:04:43
I don't think it's that. Most people have been to a swimming pool, right? So we'll have seen lots of men with their tops off.
1:04:43 - 1:04:47
Yeah. I don't think that would be the rule. I think it's inciting the crowd.
1:04:47 - 1:04:52
I think it's a silly law. What do you say? I say, well, we get into a discussion about it.
1:04:52 - 1:04:56
That's the problem. And then we talk about inciting the crowd and all of that.
1:04:56 - 1:05:05
And she asks about what you can get a yellow for. And then we talk about when the Albanian Swiss players did the Albanian Eagle celebration against Serbia.
1:05:05 - 1:05:13
We start talking about that. And that's woken me up, isn't it? You're friends with Mary Elaine.
1:05:13 - 1:05:18
Have you ever tried her CIA technique for getting to sleep? No. I'm trying it.
1:05:18 - 1:05:27
I'm trying it quite a lot at the moment. Well, I like your old technique, Max, which is A is for apple, B is for banana.
1:05:27 - 1:05:34
And you just try and think of fruit. Or you just pick it up like car brands, Alfa Romeo, BMW.
1:05:35 - 1:05:44
Someone told us this. Maybe I read it somewhere else that you just pick a letter and you think of all the names that begin with that letter.
1:05:44 - 1:05:53
So, you know, Dave, Derek, Donald. The real problem that I have with that is if I just stick on classic old English names, I can tire myself up.
1:05:54 - 1:05:58
I can't remember. But then you start thinking of footballers. And then you do start going, oh, Dimitar.
1:05:58 - 1:06:02
And then you're like, oh, no, I'm going to be here forever. No, this is, that hasn't helped me.
1:06:02 - 1:06:11
Jibriel Cisse. Exactly. Yeah. You want to run out of names. Okay. So you've been woken up by Mrs. Bilal saying to have this discussion.
1:06:11 - 1:06:19
And now you're talking about the sectarian conflict between Albania and Serbia, which is no way to fall asleep, is it?
1:06:19 - 1:06:27
No. No. And then eventually I'm okay. And yeah, I don't even know what I'm listening to at this point, but I do drift off.
1:06:28 - 1:06:31
Have your headphones been in all day? They've been in all day. A lot of the day.
1:06:31 - 1:06:43
A lot of the day. Practical question, but surely you only get about four hours of crack out of those headphones before they need to go back in the little dental floss box to charge them up again.
1:06:43 - 1:06:54
So I've got two separate peers. I've got these little gray ones. And my father-in-law for Christmas got me some Bose ones.
1:06:54 - 1:06:59
Oh, yeah. Which are fancy. Yeah, they do the noise canceling stuff and all of that.
1:06:59 - 1:07:06
And they're very good. So I've always got earphones ready. Fun earphones fact, because there's a lot of big earphones.
1:07:06 - 1:07:10
Have you found yours, David? Not only have I not found them, I've lost the second pair.
1:07:10 - 1:07:18
So there's now, according to Find My Apple products, there are two pairs in this house, but I can't find either of them.
1:07:19 - 1:07:25
Have you just played sound? They'll only play sound if an earphone is out of the dental floss box.
1:07:25 - 1:07:29
Is that right? I didn't know that. Well, I can't get it to do it, so I presume...
1:07:29 - 1:07:36
The amazing thing about this, Bilal, is that, you know, David told me about Find My, and I found mine at Terminal 4 at Perth Airport.
1:07:37 - 1:07:46
And he can't find his in his own house. Are these the Apple ones? Yeah, and a man called Ian, he went to get them, and I still haven't sent him a gift.
1:07:46 - 1:07:50
So I need to send him a gift. I've got a gig in Perth in a month.
1:07:50 - 1:07:54
Oh, great. Free tickets to David. I don't feel like I've really liked... That's not a gift.
1:07:54 - 1:08:01
That's... You can't... That's an ordeal. You can't just do that. So when do you fall asleep, please?
1:08:01 - 1:08:10
What time? What time? Probably about 1am. But listen, I'm terrible. If I ever need to be up early, I can fall asleep at 4am eventually.
1:08:10 - 1:08:17
Like, it's a real issue. And I don't know... I know that I shouldn't go on my phone before bed.
1:08:17 - 1:08:27
I don't help myself. Do you think the headphones might slightly keep you awake? I do it sometimes, but then I wonder, is this contributing to the problem?
1:08:27 - 1:08:32
I've just... I've got a weird thing about sound, and I've always got a kind of...
1:08:32 - 1:08:42
Like, I can't... If I'm going to the football or whatever, and if I'm like in a crowd before, I hate the noise so much, I've got to have my noise-canceling earphones.
1:08:42 - 1:08:46
Wow. Like I say, it's probably some kind of ADHD thing or something. You know, who knows?
1:08:46 - 1:08:53
Have you been listening to a podcast while you've been doing this for the last hour?
1:08:54 - 1:09:02
Yes. The last hour, thank you very much for telling us what you did yesterday.
1:09:02 - 1:09:18
Thank you for having me. So that was what Bilal did yesterday. I loved it, David.
1:09:18 - 1:09:22
I loved it. We did it yesterday, and I thought it was a really great episode.
1:09:22 - 1:09:31
And I think we were both... We finished, and then we had a conversation about, like, how we loved his honesty about, you know, going to teach at a special school.
1:09:31 - 1:09:39
Yeah. And the idea, I think, that people have... That anybody who is a comedian has a helicopter.
1:09:39 - 1:09:44
Yeah. And, you know, lives... A gold hat, yes. Yeah. Lives in a, you know, in a palace.
1:09:45 - 1:10:03
And it's just not... That's just not what happens, is it? But it's also, Max, the commitment you make to being so idiosyncratically yourself is that, you know, you don't necessarily go on shiny TV shows, but you have this, I don't know,
1:10:03 - 1:10:14
this beautiful life and caring for his missus for the last while. And then, of course, the looming lost dog that really casts a shadow over the whole episode.
1:10:14 - 1:10:24
Is that dog... Is that dog still lost? Yeah. And I suppose I didn't think it through that we will put the episode out sort of a week or two after we're recording.
1:10:24 - 1:10:32
And so there is every chance the dog isn't in exactly the same place. And also, we didn't really establish exactly...
1:10:32 - 1:10:39
We don't tend to ask guests there, so postcode. Yeah. It will be amazing because this podcast, as we know, is the center of the universe.
1:10:40 - 1:10:45
When we find that dog, people will say you could never have found the owner of that dog, but we will find the owner of that dog.
1:10:45 - 1:10:55
Yeah. As a technique, it'd be like if Crime Watch broadcast six months afterwards, and was like, some gnomes have been stolen from outside this house.
1:10:55 - 1:11:02
They've probably been found now, but let's bring that... I'll write a charity single. You can play a clarinet solo on it.
1:11:02 - 1:11:07
Let's get that dog whole. Okay. That's a good idea. Does Crime Watch still happen?
1:11:07 - 1:11:13
The Irish version of it is called Crime Line, and it is still very much happening.
1:11:13 - 1:11:28
It used to terrify me with the reconstructions and all of that. The first thing I ever did for my first ever TV appearance was I was working at BBC London on the radio, but the TV news was there, and they needed to do a reconstruction of somebody
1:11:28 - 1:11:34
being bundled into a van. So the first time I was ever on TV was being bundled into a van.
1:11:35 - 1:11:42
Wow. Let's find the footage. If anyone knows where that footage is, this is how you get in touch with the podcast.
1:11:45 - 1:11:50
To get in touch with the show, you can email us at whatdidyoudoyesterdaypod at gmail.com.
1:11:51 - 1:11:58
Follow us on Instagram at yesterdaypod, and please subscribe and leave a review if you liked it on your preferred podcast platform.
1:11:58 - 1:12:06
And if you didn't, please don't. Thank you, David. Thank you, Bilal. And go and see him in Edinburgh, right?
1:12:06 - 1:12:11
Like, go and see his, like, if you are in Edinburgh, go and see his show, because it will be brilliant.
1:12:11 - 1:12:16
And you may start by going, what's this? And then ending it thinking, this is brilliant.
1:12:16 - 1:12:21
Check out his streams and his little twitchies. Let's do this again sometime, Max. I'm in it for life.
1:12:22 - 1:12:31
Yeah, I am. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.