0:06 - 0:29
Podcasts, there are millions of them. Some might say, too many. I have one already. I don't have any, because there are enough. Politics, business, sport, you name it, there's a podcast about it, and they all ask the big questions and cover the hot topics of the day. But nobody is covering the most important topic of all. Why is that? Are they scared? Too afraid of being censored by the man.
0:30 - 0:57
Possibly, but not us. We're here to ask the only question that matters. We try and say it at the same time, Max. What did you do yesterday? What did you do yesterday? What did you do yesterday? That's it. All we're interested in is what the guests got up to yesterday. Nothing more. Day before yesterday, Max? Nope. The greatest and most interesting day of your life? Unless it was yesterday, we don't want to know about it. I'm Max Rushden. And I'm David O'Doherty. Welcome to What Did You Do Yesterday?
1:00 - 1:07
Hello and welcome to What Did You Do Yesterday? My name's Max Rushden. Alongside me, David O'Doherty. What a guest we have today, David.
1:07 - 1:29
This is a man. He thinks about things a lot. If you ever see Tom Cashman's wonderful comedy, a lot of it involves graphs and certainly having thought about yesterday would figure in his brain a lot. So I'm very happy that we got a man here.
1:29 - 1:39
And I'm saying no spoilers and I'm not even going towards the spoilers just in case David then gives the spoilers. But I will say this. He's the Alex Horn on Australian Taskmaster, isn't he?
1:39 - 1:45
He is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And actually many years ago, I texted Alex and said, can I be you in Australia, please?
1:45 - 1:52
I forgot about this. Yeah, I know. Because I was like, and this was before I, you know, got the football job and I was trying to find a way of being to Australia.
1:52 - 1:57
And I'd never, I'd only spoke to Alex for five minutes about service stations on TalkSport once.
1:57 - 2:01
So it was quite punchy. And he went, actually, it's not a terrible idea. I'll see what I can do.
2:01 - 2:07
And then obviously they decided to choose an Australian comedian to do it. Can you believe that? Terrible casting.
2:07 - 2:12
He is made for that role. Yeah, yeah, he's perfect. He is perfect. That is true.
2:12 - 2:28
Tom is touring Australia. At the moment, he's doing Melbourne Comedy Festival. He is also doing the Edinburgh Fringe and doing a bunch of gigs in London. His show is called NPC, Nearly Proficient Comedian.
2:29 - 2:34
There's some exciting things just about to happen. You're doing the thing now that I'm not allowed to do.
2:34 - 2:47
That's not a spoiler. That's not, you're a spoil sport. That is not a spoiler. That's just like anyone going, can I be bothered to listen? Is now going, oh, I'm going to listen. That's a tease. I'm teaching. This is broadcasting 101.
2:49 - 3:06
Bum, bum, bum. This is what Tom Cashman did yesterday. Tom Cashman, welcome to What Did You Do Yesterday?
3:07 - 3:12
What is going on? It is fantastic to be here. And I'm sorry to say I've actually defeated the format.
3:13 - 3:16
Why? Did you sleep the whole of yesterday? This would be good.
3:17 - 3:30
No, two days ago, I went on Facebook Marketplace and I hired an actor. So the first thing that happened to me this morning is a man came to my door, sat down on my couch and recited my seven best anecdotes from the last decade. And I guess I should take you through what he said.
3:32 - 3:40
I see what you're trying to do here. See, the beauty of this as a podcast is people can't just do their greatest hits.
3:40 - 4:00
Yeah, until now. Oh my goodness. Have you ever been mixed up with Arlen's, with respect to you, Arlen's favourite Tom Cashman, who is the legendary Cork hurler, many regard as the greatest hurler of all time from the 60s and 70s?
4:00 - 4:08
I feel like this actually might be the best opportunity I've had to, I suppose, send a message to him. And I suppose I've been aware of him for my whole life.
4:08 - 4:14
Yeah. Because anytime you've Googled my name, which I've been doing since I was 12 or whenever Google came out, every day.
4:16 - 4:22
I have been aware of this hurler. I'm not really that across what hurling is, but he seems quite decorated and I'm proud of him.
4:22 - 4:40
But what I don't appreciate is, as I have become a comedian and my online presence kind of sometimes in like the Google summaries and the Wikipedia summaries merge, it has been the case for a few years that certain drop down summaries of me list his height and he is like a foot shorter than me.
4:43 - 4:49
I suppose my question would be, and it's not strictly yesterday, unless it happened yesterday, is, you know, what is your greatest hurl?
4:49 - 4:54
Mine would be in a bush in Edinburgh. Oh my goodness. Far too much pimps.
4:55 - 5:04
That doesn't sound like a very conducive place to play Ireland's best sport. No, I was going more down the vomit route, but you know, I don't have to take this show into the gutter, literally.
5:05 - 5:13
If I can just chip in here. So the other David O'Doherty of note is one of Ireland's premier violinists.
5:14 - 5:20
Oh. And last summer, an older couple walked out of one of my shows after 45 minutes.
5:21 - 5:27
No, no, no, no, no, no. It was a tryout gig, just one of those last minute ones, but they were in the bar afterwards.
5:27 - 5:41
And they said that they thought they were going to see the violinist. But what really tickles me about it is 45 minutes is a long time to be like, when's he going to whip it out?
5:42 - 5:51
Surely Vivaldi's on, you know, surely he's knocking out springs. To be fair, though, if I go to see a comedian, the threshold that I'm expecting to be met in terms of comedy is relatively high.
5:51 - 5:55
But they would have been sitting there thinking, this is the funniest violinist I've ever seen in my entire life.
5:56 - 6:04
This violinist is absolutely hilarious. Anyway, Tom, we don't have time for any of this because we've got serious business to attend to.
6:04 - 6:14
What time did you wake up yesterday? So this is both a nightmare and the greatest privilege of me because of what I'm about to say.
6:14 - 6:19
I woke up at like, I suppose, like early 11th, I would say. Wow. I am.
6:19 - 6:26
It's a Sunday. Yesterday was a Sunday. It's a Monday now where I am. So I had a girl over at my place.
6:26 - 6:34
Okay. My goodness, Max. Could it happen again? Could. I don't know. Could we have another Vittorio Angelone?
6:35 - 6:38
We can't ask about what happened the night before, but did you know the girl?
6:38 - 6:47
No. So this, I am in the midst currently, and it's a joy to do a podcast during this period, of like a, I suppose you would say like a holiday fling.
6:47 - 6:53
And you hear about this, but it's never happened to me. This is my first one where it's like short term by nature because she's from New Zealand.
6:54 - 6:59
I'm in Sydney where I live, but she's going back in a week. And so we've been hanging out pretty consistently.
6:59 - 7:05
And it's like the intimacy is upped because you kind of, you're aware it's not going to be a long-term, I guess.
7:05 - 7:16
That's been the last four days or something. This is amazing. This whole day is like, then we went to the beach and we bounced a beach ball to each other and just giggled and laughed.
7:16 - 7:20
It's Danny Zuko and it's Greece. It's like the opening scene of Greece, isn't it?
7:20 - 7:29
Did you tell her that you were doing this? So my day began with like an hour of like chatting after waking up, right?
7:29 - 7:41
Yeah. During that hour, one of the topics we covered was her relationship with social media and how she doesn't think it's healthy and how she could never live a life where she's kind of public facing, which is necessitated in my job.
7:42 - 7:51
And within 13 hours of that conversation, I was telling her that I'm going to do a podcast where I go through every single detail about that in granular detail.
7:55 - 7:58
So what do we chat about for that hour? The social media is part of the conversation.
7:58 - 8:06
What else are we talking about? This is, yeah, both a nightmare and makes me look like a mad dog in some ways.
8:06 - 8:11
So you're not going to like this. So my memory is we're chatting a bit, you know, are you awake?
8:11 - 8:17
Stuff like this. We had a long conversation, sorry to talk about the day before, about like Myers-Briggs.
8:17 - 8:22
Are you familiar with Myers-Briggs? We were doing our Myers-Briggs personality profile. Yeah. Okay. Right.
8:22 - 8:27
What sort of thing you are? Yeah. There's like 16 categories and you kind of do a little quiz and you figure out which category you are.
8:27 - 8:35
And we were talking about star signs as well. Classic, I would term it like compatibility chat, but we hadn't talked about the compatibility aspect of those things.
8:35 - 8:47
So we were looking at a phone on ChatGPT or asking ChatGPT to assess our compatibility in terms of Myers-Briggs and star signs.
8:47 - 8:53
Right. Okay. Pretty good. I mean, you know, some difficulties. She's kind of like a free life kind of person.
8:53 - 9:00
I like structure more and that could lead to conflict in the future. Compatible. Otherwise, that was kind of like the only downside.
9:00 - 9:05
She's going back to New Zealand in like a few days and I'm going to Adelaide for the Fringe Festival.
9:05 - 9:12
I'm going to New Zealand in May. Then I was asking ChatGPT how much we should text in the intervening period.
9:13 - 9:26
This is exactly what you're not supposed to do with ChatGPT. But then I was asking ChatGPT in front of her whether it was funny what I was doing and the way I was using ChatGPT in this manner.
9:26 - 9:34
What does ChatGPT think? Yeah. ChatGPT thought it was hilarious. Okay. Right. Her, on the other hand, she was a bit over it by that stage, but ChatGPT was loving it.
9:34 - 9:42
This reminds me of when we had Florence the Cocker Spaniel when I was still living at home, maybe about 19, 20.
9:43 - 9:51
And, you know, I should have been getting ready to move out. And people used to passive aggressively talk through the Cocker Spaniel.
9:51 - 9:59
So the Cocker Spaniel we gave a voice to. Yeah, totally. And so we'd be sat around at dinner and mum would do the voice of the dog and be like,
10:00 - 10:05
oh my God, I can't even fit into the sitting room because someone has left all their shoes there.
10:06 - 10:14
You know, this kind of a thing. You are doing the passive aggressive fake dog voice version using AI.
10:15 - 10:25
Are you accusing me of being scared of intimacy, David? Scared of direct conversation. I'm not sure if that's true.
10:25 - 10:32
I'll chat to ChatGPT and get back to you. So you saying, David, that your Cocker Spaniel was the original AI.
10:32 - 10:35
And that's why it's taken quite a long time for it to take another 30 years.
10:35 - 10:40
They went, I'm not sure this. People aren't going to use a Cocker Spaniel to make all their life decisions.
10:40 - 10:50
It's not going to destroy buckets of industries. You know, the Cocker Spaniel can't read through 17,000 legal pages in one second and tell you who's right in this court case.
10:50 - 10:56
There's no industry for third guy in the bed who I get to ask whether I'm getting on with the new girl.
10:56 - 11:02
If there was, consider your job disrupted. Now, Tom, sorry, David, this is important. We have to ask.
11:02 - 11:12
In this morning conversation. Oh, Max, you can't ask this. What? Well, because Vittorio Angeloni was on and he may have opened the floodgates because that was our first bonk.
11:12 - 11:17
Awful metaphor. Oh, right. Was there a bonk? Is that too rude a question, David?
11:17 - 11:21
I've never met Tom. I met him five minutes ago. So. I don't like to kiss and tell.
11:21 - 11:32
However, I do like to fucking podcast. So, yeah. I never heard the second bit of the saying.
11:34 - 11:40
It's actually, you don't live, love, love. It's actually live, love, love. Fuck. And then podcast event afterwards.
11:42 - 11:47
I'm having a pillow prepared. Wow, this is extraordinary, David. So many months of celibacy.
11:48 - 11:53
Dodd episodes. I know. Suddenly we're like, it's just like a sort of Don Juan podcast now.
11:53 - 12:00
It's like Mr. Loverman. That's what we should change the name of it to. I got the message from David being like, do you want to do the podcast?
12:00 - 12:10
And like my life flashed before my eyes. I'm like, on the one hand, I could like, I would be well within my rights to say, can we do another day?
12:10 - 12:16
But then I'm like, but that day is going to be so boring. This is the opportunity of a lifetime to get a personal life section of my Wikipedia.
12:17 - 12:26
Max, I foresee now after this deluge of romance that we've had recently on this podcast, all of our old guests get back in touch.
12:26 - 12:34
Professor Mary Beard is like, can we insert a little bit? No, Mary Beard saying, quickly, can I do tomorrow?
12:34 - 12:49
Because I just had the wildest ride of my life. Can I say, though, to be fair to previous guests who are losers and haven't had any sexual contact during the 24 hour relevant period, were they all like, is it always Sunday?
12:49 - 12:53
I feel like there are certain days where it's much more likely for this kind of thing to be happening.
12:53 - 12:57
Rarely a Sunday, actually. It's rarely a Sunday. Which is the sexiest day, famously. Yeah.
12:57 - 13:07
Okay. So do you make food? I'm intrigued by this. What a prudest question. We're in this midst, David, trying to get out quickly.
13:07 - 13:14
Do you do some etchings? I mean, after the, like, she then leaves the house.
13:14 - 13:20
Oh, wow. Slaps you in the face and rides off on a motorbike. No, no, no.
13:20 - 13:24
It's, um, we meet later on in the day. Okay. But she has to go.
13:24 - 13:35
She has to hang out with a friend. The other, the hurler. If I find out she's with that guy, I'm going to grab his little bloody neck and wring it.
13:35 - 13:39
So then I suppose I mucked around on my phone for a bit. Still in bed?
13:39 - 13:45
Still in bed. Yeah. Decompressing. And then I need food and I go to a local cafe.
13:45 - 13:50
Okay. So we're dressed. We're in the cafe. What are we ordering? What's your Sydney brunch choice?
13:51 - 14:01
Well, I guess I have near me, I have like two cafes and I always have to choose between like, so one, I would describe myself as having a terrific rapport with the staff.
14:02 - 14:06
I would describe the rapport as almost too terrific sometimes, depending on how you're feeling.
14:06 - 14:12
You know what I mean? Whereas my rapport with the other cafe is like. It's transactional.
14:13 - 14:19
It's transactional. No, it's like. Oh, it's worse. Because they, I don't think they like me because they're at this particular cafe.
14:19 - 14:23
It's a bit bougie and I like the food. It's like a good vibe in there.
14:23 - 14:31
I like some water, I guess, particularly for breakfast. They have like self-service, like a water situation and they have cups for the water.
14:31 - 14:37
The water cups are the tiniest cups you've ever seen. I would put it at about like five centimeters tall.
14:37 - 14:42
A shot. It's like a shot. They have simply chosen aesthetics over functionality. Of course.
14:42 - 14:50
Good on them. They're running a business. They're allowed to do that. One time early, like maybe a year ago when I moved to this area, I had been there a few times.
14:51 - 14:54
I'd noticed the glass situation. I don't want to have to get up five times.
14:54 - 15:03
And I asked the person behind the counter, could I please have like, I can see them back there, like a big glass, presumably for juices, but like I'm thirsty and I'm going to use that for water if that's okay.
15:03 - 15:08
And the kid, maybe 18 years old behind the counter, he said, he looked around like, is that allowed?
15:09 - 15:12
And he was like, I don't know about that. And I had to be like, I think we're going to be okay.
15:14 - 15:16
I don't think this is above board. I don't think you're going to get in trouble.
15:17 - 15:24
But it was a bit of a strained interaction. And then the next time after that, I was in there, I wanted a bigger glass.
15:24 - 15:34
I was scared of that kind of strained interaction happening again. If you picture the self-serve water situation is like on a counter and the counter is maybe a meter and a half wide.
15:34 - 15:43
And behind that, that's where the staff are. A meter and a half on the other side of the counter of this self-service water machine thing is like a wine glass rack, I guess.
15:43 - 15:49
So I reached over and I got like a red wine glass, like a pretty big wine glass.
15:49 - 15:57
And I filled that up with water and I went to my seat. And over the next two months, I'm going to say I did that eight times.
15:58 - 16:03
It's like crossing the Berlin Wall. I mean, that is like in a cafe, you know, that is I know I'm sort of with you.
16:03 - 16:07
I'm terrified to ask for an extra plate. Why is that going to upset anybody?
16:07 - 16:19
But the rules are the rules. But hang on, Tom, are you you're using your reach famously why you're such a threat to the middleweight division to just go straight over behind, take it.
16:19 - 16:25
I mean, they would have noticed that you were sitting there if they didn't see you necessarily steal it on these occasions.
16:25 - 16:31
They would have seen you sit there with your goblet. Totally. Like the first few times I felt naughty.
16:31 - 16:38
But after that, and like it is a bit of a reach, like I reckon I'd have to get up on one leg to get like it's not for the customer to be grabbing.
16:38 - 16:42
It's clear. It's snooker rules. You have to have one foot flat on the ground.
16:42 - 16:46
But you can put the knee up on the counter. I think it's play on.
16:46 - 16:54
Yeah. But I also, I guess I hadn't really thought about that, but I think that I presumed after the second time that I would have gotten in trouble by now if this was really a problem.
16:55 - 17:01
And I'd assumed that the staff had noticed this, seen that my intentions were pure and kind of allowed it, if that makes sense.
17:01 - 17:07
But maybe after the eighth time I went in, I ordered from like a teenager, I guess.
17:07 - 17:21
And then the barista guy, a bit older, a bit more senior, clocked me, walked over to the juice cups, the original ones I was requesting, grabbed it, came over the counter, plonked it down without saying a word in front of me, and went back to the coffee bin.
17:21 - 17:27
There have been meetings about this because they're like, look, if it's just one guy, but this, like honestly, the whole wheels could fall off this cafe.
17:28 - 17:31
People will be leaning in, glass will be shattering. We've got to stop this guy.
17:31 - 17:34
I love this. It's so funny you say that, Max. That is exactly what I deduced.
17:34 - 17:40
I'm like, every staff member in this place knows I've been stealing the wine glasses and that it's a problem.
17:41 - 17:45
So this time you go in, are you handed a juice glass? What happens this time?
17:45 - 17:50
So I go into that one. I choose, like, I have a good rapport with some of them, but I still know there's been meetings.
17:50 - 17:53
I go in and I just use the tiny glasses now. Oh, right. You win.
17:54 - 17:58
You got me. Like, cause that was like six months ago or eight months ago.
17:58 - 18:03
I now choose to believe they've forgotten about that by staying under the radar, if that makes sense.
18:03 - 18:11
Yeah. Yeah. Very wise. I do think there's another solution to sort of escape room it out, you know, to fill one of your shoes with water or something like that.
18:12 - 18:20
All those backpacks where you get like, soak your hair with water and then have it just drip down onto your face.
18:21 - 18:27
It would be strange to have one of those and not fill it up at home and still use their self-doubles.
18:28 - 18:34
Couldn't you like order them some really large glasses? Yeah. When you come in, just unload them each time.
18:34 - 18:38
Unload like 10, put them around the water and then see what happens the next time.
18:38 - 18:43
Or in the same way that people steal one at a time from a pub, you just one at a time, bring them in and then it's like a slow build.
18:46 - 18:52
One day you pass and it's the saddest sign you've ever, it just says closed due to too many glasses.
18:53 - 18:59
Shake your head. Thanks for all your help over these years. Our customers weren't thirsty enough for the drinks that cost money.
19:00 - 19:06
What do we order? I order, and this is like quite Australian, I'd imagine. Oh, hang on, Max.
19:06 - 19:10
It's going to be something like... Battered dingo. No, we know the morning he's had.
19:10 - 19:15
It's going to be like 16 egg whites with protein powder in it and some creatine.
19:15 - 19:24
You know, the bit that we skipped over there. Of course, yeah. If I'm going to guess accurately, Tom is having the chili eggs with smashed avo on the side.
19:25 - 19:30
You're like one from two. There's a smashed avo element. It's smashed avo, like on toast.
19:30 - 19:34
I'm going to go Turkish eggs. No, he's not going to have smashed egg eggs.
19:34 - 19:42
He's not avo. He's not having Turkish eggs with that. It's smashed avo and it's probably got like pickled onions and pepitas on it and some balsamic glaze.
19:42 - 19:46
And then he's got one egg on that. Wow. What a sear this man is.
19:46 - 19:57
Is that right, Tom? No. Oh, okay. It sounded great though. I'm hungry now. I had a...
19:57 - 20:04
Yeah, so there's no egg. There's Vegemite, a sprinkle. Not a sprinkle, but like only like the right amount, I guess.
20:04 - 20:09
Very hard to sprinkle Vegemite. I would say the hardest thing to sprinkle of all time.
20:09 - 20:16
Yeah, they've dried it. They've cut it up into tiny little pieces. They've spent all the time they should have been focusing on the glasses.
20:16 - 20:20
They'd be able to sprinkle their Vegemite. It's like Parmesan. They have someone coming around.
20:20 - 20:25
Vegemite. What Tom hasn't mentioned as well is he brings his own plate as well.
20:26 - 20:30
That's the size of a tea tray. He slips that in. Can I have it on there?
20:30 - 20:39
So it's this enormous banquet. It's all the food they've made that morning. So there's Vegemite under and then avocado and then like finger lime.
20:39 - 20:44
I'd never really encountered this in my life before. Finger lime? It's not like a lime.
20:44 - 20:49
It's not a finger. Yeah. It's a finger lime. Right. What is it? More of a...
20:49 - 20:56
Is it a citrus vibe to it? They look like a small green chili. And then like citrusy vibes come out of it.
20:56 - 20:59
Oh, yeah. In the same way as a lime. But they're surely in the lime family.
20:59 - 21:05
Oh, my God. I haven't researched it. I've got one up here. It looks like the shit of a very sick dog.
21:05 - 21:13
It's kind of an awful olive green in a classic turd shape now. I disagree with you wholeheartedly.
21:13 - 21:17
I think it looks like the turd of a healthy dog. Give me that at least.
21:19 - 21:25
What coffee do we get? Almond flat white. Large. And an orange juice. Okay. Free drinks.
21:25 - 21:29
What do we do while we're having our breakfast? Do we just sit and stare at the world?
21:29 - 21:34
Or are we doing Wordle? Absolutely. I'm in a chat where we do the Wordle every day.
21:35 - 21:42
With, if I may, previous guest Guy Montgomery. Who, in his episode, which I listened to of this podcast.
21:42 - 21:46
He talked about another Wordle group you're not in, didn't he? No, no, no. I feel like that was my one.
21:46 - 21:50
Oh, was that your one? Alluding to. Unless he's in two and he only alluded to one.
21:50 - 21:54
In which case, yes. I'm extremely offended. Oh, I thought he was with his family.
21:54 - 22:00
I forgot. He does one of these ones called like, Dozenerdl or something where you've got to do 12 at the same time, doesn't he?
22:01 - 22:04
The Wordle is child's play to him. Yeah. And how'd you go? I didn't get it yesterday.
22:04 - 22:07
I sort of gave up halfway through and I just never got around to it.
22:07 - 22:09
And then I'd realized I'd forgotten. Oh, I got it. Don't you worry about that.
22:10 - 22:13
It was Guava. Wasn't it? It was Guava. Yeah. I think I got it in five.
22:13 - 22:17
So, you know, nothing to brag about. No, it's a bogey. A bogey's fine. Exactly.
22:18 - 22:27
Flick that off with Guava. I'm happy. I'll take that. Yeah. And then I reckon I'm playing five minute chess games against random people on my phone for pretty much the entire breakfast.
22:28 - 22:38
So from this, I deduce you've had a good sleep. You know, I feel if you'd had a poor sleep, you would be more about recovery now.
22:38 - 22:50
David, he's been up all night. Well, then he's filled with the joy of DeVivre and he's trying to learn more, become a better person through chess.
22:51 - 22:58
I have to push back against that a tad. I am addicted to chess in a way that I think chess gets too good a rap.
22:58 - 23:13
I think people associate it with kind of like intelligence, I guess. But when you play it like I do, quick games for quick hits where you're not really thinking about the moves, it's pretty indistinguishable from Candy Crush, really, in terms of what it's doing to your brain.
23:13 - 23:21
What's interesting is your, you know, your commitment issues. They stretch to chess. A 10 minute game.
23:21 - 23:30
Absolutely not. How many do you win? How many do you take on Gary Kasparov and Nigel Short and Deep Blue and Magnus Magnussen?
23:30 - 23:35
Yeah. Yes, those are all keywords associated with chess. I'm out. My file is empty.
23:36 - 23:41
File, open, chess. I've done everything. You've got me now. Yeah. I didn't come across them.
23:41 - 23:47
I think one is dead and one is a computer. Okay, yeah. I think I won two and lost one.
23:47 - 23:51
I think I was on an okay roll. I think I had more time to think about it.
23:51 - 23:54
I think there is a spectrum of when I'm playing of like how much thought I'm giving to them.
23:54 - 24:01
And usually if I focus, I win because my rating is quite low for my actual ability because I play games when I'm barely paying attention.
24:01 - 24:07
And then I meet someone halfway through a game and then lose by forfeiting. So if I focus, I can usually win.
24:07 - 24:11
But that's because you're coming from a low base. Max, because I can't play chess.
24:11 - 24:17
Okay. I'm a chess truther. I actually think chess is bullshit. Like it's not even a real game.
24:18 - 24:28
You think we're all pretending? Yeah. Because you see people in parks with their hands together being like, and I know when I'm not looking, they just start playing drafts with the bits.
24:28 - 24:34
Is it possible that you're perceiving the game as smug because you're not involved? No, no, no.
24:34 - 24:41
I'm 100% right in this, that it is a fake game that people play to make themselves look cool.
24:42 - 24:47
Thank you. It's like books, isn't it? It's like reading. Yeah. No one reads. Reading is basically movies.
24:47 - 24:53
It's basically a movie script. You're not better than me. You only read the book to walk out of the film and say the book's better.
24:53 - 24:59
And the only reason you have to read it is because sometimes you walk out of the film and say the book's better and people say there's no book of this film.
24:59 - 25:06
And then you feel really embarrassed. I just upload the book to Chet TPT and tell me, to give me two sentences to pretend I've read it at a party.
25:08 - 25:20
The smartest I've ever felt is, I love the band Steely Dan. Their lyrics were always seemed very incomprehensible when I was a teenager and sort of got into them first.
25:20 - 25:26
And then, I'm a fool to do your dirty work. Oh yeah. It's a great song.
25:26 - 25:31
But the lyric in that, I remember once, I'm going to figure out what this song is actually about.
25:32 - 25:39
And the lyric, which is like a castle in a corner in a medieval game.
25:39 - 25:45
I don't remember thinking about that for about two days. I'm being like, chess, they're talking about chess.
25:45 - 25:51
So that was one of the first times I cracked, I decoded a complex lyric.
25:51 - 25:59
Thank you. Turns out it was about torture. And they tortured so many people. People don't talk about it.
26:00 - 26:04
Stop. All right. So we finish our brunch. Do we get another coffee? Well, that's it.
26:05 - 26:07
We've had plenty of liquid. Probably don't need another coffee. Where are we off to?
26:07 - 26:13
Where are we going? I'm going back home and I'm doing fuck all for the next four hours.
26:13 - 26:24
Great. We love this. Okay. Let's get deep down into this fuck all. I then, I think, sit down on my couch and I watch a few TV programs that have been on that day.
26:24 - 26:34
I watch ABC Insiders, which is a political Sunday morning discussion program where they analyze the politics of the week.
26:34 - 26:41
What's the big news? Is it that the Victorian government have spent billions on a train line that didn't happen or something like that?
26:42 - 26:46
He's in New South Wales. That news story is at the end of the news where the squirrel surfing is up here.
26:47 - 26:51
We laugh at your train and that doesn't work. I hosted the project a number of times.
26:51 - 26:56
I know how many and finally bits there are. Okay. So what are we leading with in Sydney?
26:56 - 27:05
What's happening? They had a long interview with the Home Affairs Minister about, I don't agree with this terminology, I would say, but ISIS brides is how it's framed.
27:05 - 27:14
Yeah. They're a group of like 30 Australian citizens, women and children who chose to go over to the Middle East to fight with ISIS with their partners.
27:15 - 27:20
And they are potentially going to return and the government are being quizzed about how much they're helping them.
27:21 - 27:27
Yeah. There was a story in the UK. Two of the girls were at a secondary school where my wife taught at a school in Tauhametson.
27:27 - 27:35
That was a sort of feeder school to that secondary school. And there was one of them who had her British citizenship sort of taken away and she's in limbo.
27:35 - 27:50
And it's sort of lots of ethical questions about whose problem this is. Yeah. My summary of it is that the government don't have the power legally to take away someone's passport or to not give them a passport if they ask for one, if it's an Australian citizen.
27:50 - 27:58
But they can say on TV, we don't like ISIS. So there's a lot of like, we don't actually have any legal power, but we don't like those people.
27:59 - 28:03
Probably a good position to come from. Yeah. To be on the fence about ISIS.
28:04 - 28:09
You know. I've heard two different versions. But the brides, David, to be in love.
28:09 - 28:18
Is it illegal to be in love? Is the format of the show. There is a, there's a picture that comes up on my phone a lot, which I once took.
28:18 - 28:23
I was watching the TV in Australia and it was eight men on a panel.
28:24 - 28:32
Now, I think it was the rugby league footy show, but there were eight men all in kind of the same suit.
28:33 - 28:39
And is that the format of this show? The trouble with those ones is they often don't make the desk bigger when they add a new bloke.
28:39 - 28:45
So the guys just have to squish in. And there's such big blokes to be so squished.
28:45 - 28:53
No, this one, there's like a host who kind of stands. It starts with a piece to camera where he kind of gives a summary of the week's news.
28:53 - 28:59
And then he goes and walks over like, and we see all this. I don't think it's live, but he then goes for a walk.
29:00 - 29:04
And then he arrives at some couches where three people are sitting down ready to discuss the news.
29:04 - 29:11
It's really interesting. This isn't it? Cause I've hosted TV shows in every format, standing, sitting on high chairs.
29:11 - 29:20
Lying. Have you ever laid down? I mean, in soccer M there was some lying down, I guess, sort of couches, like sort of quite uprighty couches, quite deep couches.
29:20 - 29:27
And like the meetings that people have about why this matters, you know, and starting shows, walking, doing some walking.
29:27 - 29:29
Do we need to see the walkover? I reckon cut to you on the couch.
29:29 - 29:40
Yeah. Yeah. My favorite was Q&A, which is a similar program that no longer exists in Australia, which was like a political discussion program where there was a live audience and you have like maybe five people in the panel and they would take questions from the, like.
29:40 - 29:53
Yeah, it's question time in the UK. Yeah. Yeah. And at some point, and I think it was kind of in COVID where the live crowd, they were a bit thinner, they decided to have the host walk up into the crowd with the people to ask the question.
29:53 - 30:04
And then he would walk back down and discuss. And sometimes he would, because also if you think from the live audience perspective, they've kind of like prepared a question and they've probably been thinking all day about how they're going to read out this question.
30:04 - 30:13
Like it's a nerve wracking time. The host would walk up, get their question, walk back down, discuss it, walk then back into the crowd to put the mic into that question asker's face to ask what their thoughts are.
30:13 - 30:22
And now they have to improvise and they're not ready. Yeah. Freaking out. They're so nervous because the guys come up into the crowd and every time I'm like, why go back to the desk?
30:23 - 30:34
This is unnecessary. The best part of question time, you know, in the classic David Dimbleby years is when he goes, you, a man in the green jumper who looks a bit like Axl Rose with the degenerative disease.
30:34 - 30:46
You, sir, your question. He would demarcate these people with the colorful diamond pullover. It would be something like that rather than just the guy who we said we'd go to first.
30:47 - 30:54
So we watch an episode of that. What's next up? Then I watch, it's like a sister program almost.
30:54 - 31:04
I think it's called Offsiders and it's like the same format. It's like the same couches, potentially even in the same studio and different people, but they're talking about sport.
31:05 - 31:12
Okay. And this is like the 20 year anniversary. They talk about sport in a kind of like longer form kind of analytical way.
31:12 - 31:17
And this is, it just happens to be the 20 year anniversary of the program's beginning.
31:17 - 31:22
And so it's like a retrospective on all the sporting controversies of the last 20 years and the reporting.
31:23 - 31:30
Ange Postacoglu used to be on this program and he was, he sent a message in saying congratulations on 20 years Offsiders.
31:30 - 31:43
So that was all very cute. Great. Here's my favorite Australian sports moments. I like the time they played New Zealand in the cricket and the fellow rolled the ball along the ground.
31:43 - 31:52
And the discussion afterwards isn't like, that's not legal. It was just, what have we become as a nation?
31:53 - 31:59
Where somebody would pull a stunt this wicked in the Benson and Hedges series or whatever.
31:59 - 32:15
I like that. And then I like, is it a grand final in Aussie rules one year where a thug from their team just runs like off the kickoff, runs up to the best player in the other team and just decks in the face.
32:15 - 32:23
And I think he has to go off with a broken jaw and he gets sent off, but he's just an extra really.
32:23 - 32:29
And they have ruined the skillful guy. There were very little sporting moments to be honest.
32:29 - 32:39
It was mainly cheating. They were focusing mainly on cheating. I think in part because this is more of a long form chat things where they talk about controversies within sport,
32:39 - 32:45
as opposed to like so-and-so winning the final is about drug scandals and sandpaper gate, for example.
32:45 - 32:54
Hang on. What's that? Someone. That was Steve Smith and David Warner rubbing the ball with sandpaper because all Australians are cheats.
32:54 - 32:56
Well, didn't they get a young boy to do it? I think, yes, they got a chimney sweep.
32:56 - 33:04
They got an urchin to do it. To sandpaper the cricket ball. Yeah. Yeah. To make it a bit more funny and benefit them in some way.
33:04 - 33:09
I don't quite understand. Yeah. And then they cried at a press conference and everyone said it's an absolute outrage.
33:09 - 33:12
And then they just forgot about it a couple of years later and they started playing again.
33:12 - 33:21
Well, I don't know if they forgot about it. I feel like the English supporters at the Ashes just a few months ago all had shirts with Steve Smith's crying face on their T-shirts.
33:21 - 33:25
No, no, no. I don't think I'd class that as forgetting about it. Categorize that as rubbing it in.
33:25 - 33:32
Yeah. We've got to cling to something, Tom. Just before this degenerates into just a full on sports chat.
33:33 - 33:45
Yeah. Sports podcasts will never catch on. Who we've mentioned already, Guy Montgomery at the Australian Television Awards the other week presented the award for best children's television program.
33:45 - 33:58
He did a very funny speech. But he did also draw attention to the fact that there isn't a new series of Bluey this year, which clearly wins or has won for the last seven years or however long Bluey has been on.
33:59 - 34:09
But he compared it to whoever was going to win this year to the Australian speed skater who all of the other skaters fell over.
34:09 - 34:24
Sure. And he won the gold medal. That's another Australian sporting reference. Thank you. I just watched a reel about him and apparently he was a generational talent and had been unlucky at other finals and in other finals.
34:25 - 34:33
And so kind of like, you know, put a lot of work to be in that spot, which recontextualized my view of him as not a lucky guy, but a sports warrior.
34:33 - 34:36
Yeah. He's got to have been able to speed skate to get into the Olympic final.
34:37 - 34:45
He can't have just been passing. But it is definitely worth watching as he's so far behind and then just everyone else bundles and he just comes through.
34:45 - 34:52
Yeah. But can I just say what Tom said? It really devalues your argument. If you begin it with, I just saw a reel.
34:53 - 34:57
You know what I mean? It's like you want to be like I've read widely on the subject.
34:57 - 35:06
Perfect. I saw a reel where half of the reel was an American talking into a microphone authoritatively and the other half was the footage that you're referring to.
35:07 - 35:11
And according to the top half of the reel, the information I just said was correct.
35:12 - 35:18
That's the only form of content these days, isn't it? Although, you know, I like the one where someone has a little floating head and they're on a scene.
35:18 - 35:24
And I obviously I just technically don't know how to make my head float in front of some things that are happening that I want to talk about.
35:24 - 35:27
I just don't have the book. So you don't listen to those. You just think, how does he make his head up?
35:27 - 35:31
How does he make his head float? All you're thinking is I want my head to be like that.
35:31 - 35:35
I can't even, when I Photoshop this podcast, I can't even get your background away.
35:36 - 35:41
Whereas David can make a photo look really good and just learn how to make Tom Cashman a sticker.
35:41 - 35:47
So I'm sort of getting there, but I'm a long way off from my floating head, which is a great pity.
35:47 - 35:54
Max has considered having his entire body amputated from the neck down just so he could be...
35:54 - 36:00
He thinks that's what they've done? Yeah. The ultimate sacrifice. Max, no. How was your day, love?
36:00 - 36:04
Well, let me tell you, I've got some good news. We're about to make the big bucks.
36:04 - 36:10
Yeah. I'm going to get over the 30,000 Instagram follower threshold. I can feel it. It's going to be good.
36:10 - 36:19
So with the offsiders, what's next? Then I watched, I want to say, three episodes on YouTube of British television comedy panel show, Would I Lie to You?
36:19 - 36:25
Bob Morsema ones? No. Recent ones that just were up there. I'm not sure if he's been on recently.
36:25 - 36:31
David O'Doherty, was he on? I love it when he's on that show. David O'Doherty is usually very funny on that, but he wasn't on it.
36:31 - 36:35
I think Josh Pugh was his first one. He was on there. He was very funny.
36:35 - 36:39
Oh, yeah. Probably mucking around my phone. Maybe a bit of chess happening as well while this is happening.
36:40 - 36:44
And so these are poor performances because, you know, you're looking at David Mitchell being frustrated.
36:44 - 36:51
And trying to do that, you know, and get checkmate on a, you know, a Bulgarian chicken farmer is difficult.
36:52 - 37:01
Hang on. This is worth just, we clearly, we're three inquisitive minds here. Would I Lie to You is the best panel show of all.
37:01 - 37:07
So then why is that? And it's not because everyone has pre-written material and goes into it.
37:07 - 37:13
It's not even that you overshoot six hours and edit it down to the best bits.
37:13 - 37:30
It's the format itself is so leading and pull, like Sam Campbell on it is just so wonderful because you can play into, it plays into the funniest things about Sam Campbell and all of these slightly different personalities.
37:30 - 37:36
But. Well, my favorite thing about it is that maybe about seven minutes in, I defeat Tetchy White Knight 47.
37:42 - 37:46
But now the comedy is pretty good too. And then, yeah, so three ups of that.
37:46 - 37:52
Then I'm hungry and I order Uber Eats. I'm hung over, by the way. I should have clarified that.
37:52 - 37:56
And I get a pad C-U, a prawn pad C-U. Great choice. I eat that.
37:57 - 38:04
Now I'm sleepy. And now I have a nap. This is such a great, what a decadent day this is.
38:05 - 38:17
I know. So, Chad, GBT, sex, brunch, sit on the couch, go to sleep. So, I think it's getting to be maybe five or six when I go to sleep.
38:17 - 38:20
I have a gig. I have a five minute spot at a stand up night.
38:21 - 38:26
Show starts at 7.30. I'm on in the third bracket. I've got to get there at like 8.30.
38:26 - 38:30
So, I'd have like an hour, I would say, and maybe a bit. At 6 p.m.
38:30 - 38:39
This is a very late nap, isn't it? Yeah. I know. When you wake up, do you feel, as I nap quite a lot for various periods of time, depending on babies and when I have to go to work next.
38:40 - 38:45
And there's one nap I have before the midnight till three radio show I do on a Wednesday night.
38:45 - 38:52
I don't know why I'm doing this. Where I feel so sad for 50 minutes. So, when you wake up from this nap, are you okay?
38:52 - 39:02
Or are you like, oh no, what's happened? I feel good because, yeah, I suppose when you're feeling tired and the prospect of performing stand up comedy becomes real.
39:03 - 39:09
Yeah. That's a scary feeling. And I wake up more ready to like, I know, okay, this is possible now because I have more energy.
39:10 - 39:19
So, I wake up quite happy, to be honest. Yeah. Yeah. You see, it's my technique for getting over jet lag is to have a very important gig the night that I get to Australia.
39:20 - 39:26
Because, Dr. Showbiz, your day has an apex and there's nothing we can do about that.
39:27 - 39:32
We must be awake and in great form for that. And a lot of the time, you're jazzed after it.
39:32 - 39:39
So, you have kind of defeated the lag to some extent then. So, yes, I see what you're doing here.
39:39 - 39:43
But I don't think I would be able to go for a sleep that close to a gig.
39:43 - 39:48
Yeah. I mean, I'm only doing five minutes. It's like the second birthday of a gig at a pub.
39:48 - 39:55
Like a monthly gig. That's like a fun one to do. Yeah. But it's not too stressful, I guess, because I don't have to do a very long spot.
39:55 - 40:02
But it's still... Is former Prime Minister of New Zealand, Helen Clark, going to come and see you do the five minute spot?
40:02 - 40:07
I've worked out that's who it is. Of course. She told me not to say too many identifying details.
40:07 - 40:15
But let's just say to the audio listeners, I'm winking right now. Is she going to come and watch you do it?
40:15 - 40:20
Therefore, is there the added stakes of I need to be funny to impress this person?
40:21 - 40:28
So, like we had said, after that gig, I will... Because she happens to be staying a block away from where that gig is.
40:28 - 40:38
Right. Just by chance. It's very convenient. What are you implying? That the gig started there because of her or that she stayed there because of the gig?
40:38 - 40:41
Oh, Helen Clark, it's wild. I actually have a gig in New Zealand next week.
40:41 - 40:48
A block from where you live. It's absolutely crazy. Why would I do her accent if I'm trying to flirt with her?
40:48 - 40:52
Do you pretend to be the people you're trying to sleep with? We know what ego she's got.
40:52 - 40:57
And she will only... She'll only go to people who just impersonate her for the whole time.
40:57 - 41:02
Okay, but hang on. So you wake up from the nap, maybe have a little thimble of water because they've converted you.
41:02 - 41:05
Do you do anything else before we leave the house and go to the pub?
41:05 - 41:10
No, I think I just get dressed and now I'm gone. Yeah. Are you tech heavy for this gig?
41:11 - 41:19
Because sometimes you're not averse to using technical equipment, etc. But you're going with just your chat, just this voice?
41:19 - 41:25
I'm just chatting for this one. Five minutes. No tiny keyboard? No tiny keyboard. Surely you've got a tiny keyboard.
41:25 - 41:30
I mean, I don't know a comedian who doesn't. Yeah, I know. They're the ultimate.
41:30 - 41:35
The ultimate form of entertainment, they're called. The tiny keyboard is used by the Irish hero.
41:35 - 41:42
I would have a big keyboard. Okay, so do you get there to see the other acts or you just be swanning in to do your bit?
41:42 - 41:50
What's the vibe? So I suppose that this gig is like a monthly thing and it's in a nice venue and I like the people who run it and this is the second birthday.
41:50 - 42:01
But they've frankly overbooked this gala event that they've planned. There are 14 people on doing five minutes and we've been asked to dress formally.
42:02 - 42:12
Oh, nice. Which I think is a bit much. The second anniversary of a monthly gig at a pub and they're all like, it's black tie everyone.
42:13 - 42:21
Yeah. Five minutes, $50, dress formally. I replied, I'll be there. I'm not promising to dress formally.
42:22 - 42:30
Great. But I did put like a nice shirt on. Okay, fine. So I plan to get there maybe like a third of the way through to catch some of it, but not all of it.
42:30 - 42:35
But the trouble with this, everyone does a bit longer than they are meant to at these things.
42:35 - 42:40
And I'm on last. So it becomes clear to me that this is going to go for a while when I get there.
42:41 - 42:47
And that's when I reach out to Helen Clark and say, do you want to come and watch this show?
42:47 - 42:56
Because I'm not going to be able to meet you at the agreed time. But then, yes, the nerves kick in where otherwise this wouldn't necessarily be a big nail biter of a gig.
42:57 - 43:01
Yeah. It does occur to me. Yeah. I mean, it better be pretty good if this is embarrassing.
43:01 - 43:07
Yeah. And this. All the other acts are doing anti-New Zealand jokes about sheep shagging and stuff.
43:07 - 43:12
And you just keep having to look at her and just shake your head. I cannot believe they're saying this.
43:12 - 43:17
This is awful. Well, it's funny you say it because. So she gets there and then we're watching up the back.
43:17 - 43:23
And this. I'm not sure if this is happening in the UK comedy scene, but I think it's a symptom of what's going on in the world.
43:23 - 43:27
But I think it would be fair to say that every single comedian talked about pedophiles.
43:29 - 43:34
They're having a moment. They are having a moment. When we left, I mentioned that.
43:35 - 43:41
Well, I mentioned that in my set as well. That this has been the most pedophile heavy show that I've ever performed on.
43:43 - 43:47
Police move in all units. Yeah. I'm like, and I'm not talking about the jokes up here.
43:47 - 43:52
I'm talking about the jokes. I didn't say that. Actually, I should have. I have a question.
43:53 - 43:59
Is five minutes like enough to like get going? I love this guy. This guy asks interesting questions.
43:59 - 44:07
Thank you so much. Yeah. Because a lot of this podcast, you know, is David and his mates wanging on about the art of comedy when we all know anyone could do it.
44:07 - 44:11
But I imagine five minutes quite, you know, in a way it's good because you just you're done.
44:11 - 44:17
But like, is it quite hard to build up to your. Tom, you may begin the answer to this.
44:18 - 44:25
What? I'm saying we're going to answer his question as to whether five minutes is enough and we'll answer it in two parts.
44:26 - 44:30
You may begin the answer. I was like, I've been given permission to begin my answer.
44:31 - 44:37
But for none of the previous questions, I've given permission to begin. Have I not had permission to begin this whole time to every other question?
44:38 - 44:47
Yeah, I mean, it was I was on last and during the beginning of the third bracket, a man started heckling, a very drunk man.
44:48 - 44:53
And it was clear that the kind of the life had sucked out of the room somewhat because it's gone on for a while.
44:53 - 44:56
Oh, dear. And then the people that were on the third bracket were all kind of a bit nervous back there.
44:57 - 45:07
And particularly in that context, it's particularly difficult to win them over, get something done where it feels like you've done something substantial and then leave for sure.
45:07 - 45:18
Yeah. But you're Tom Cashman. Thank you. Six foot two, not five foot seven. But the hurler took too long in the second bracket and he absolutely smashed it.
45:18 - 45:22
And that's why I was like, this Tom Cashman is not even the best Tom Cashman on the bill.
45:23 - 45:28
I bring him everywhere. And a lot of the people, they were pissed off because David had already was billed.
45:28 - 45:33
And then this guy comes out with the violin and they start playing Brahms. And they're like, what?
45:34 - 45:38
This is not it. I think sometimes at a gig like this. David, sorry to interrupt.
45:39 - 45:47
Is there something in the fact that if you turn up to the wrong thing, like the way to signify that, the sadness of that is a violin.
45:47 - 45:53
If you have a negative perspective. It is. Yeah. But if you think it's funny, then the way to signify that is a comedian.
45:55 - 46:04
Yeah. Yeah. Or playing a small keyboard with your hands. Yeah. Classic. I think sometimes at these gigs, you just need to be different to everyone else.
46:04 - 46:09
If you're closing it, there is a responsibility that you need to send them home with a smile.
46:09 - 46:18
So, yes. If no one else is dicked about or you're in a position where you can just review the rest of the show, like look back on it, etc.
46:19 - 46:24
Something like that. I decided to comment on the facts that everyone had been talking about pedophiles.
46:24 - 46:31
Yeah. Great. I decided to accuse the heckler of being a pedophile. Yeah. And then say that this is sickening how much we're all talking about pedophiles.
46:31 - 46:34
Then I did a few jokes that I'm working on that I thought that I wanted to do.
46:34 - 46:39
And then I closed with a joke about pedophiles. Right. That was my approach to give it some sort of finality.
46:40 - 46:47
And it went fine. I wouldn't say I brought the house down, but like I think, yeah, you do want to kind of signify.
46:47 - 46:50
And that's the end of the night. Yeah. You do want to take that responsibility seriously.
46:50 - 47:00
What did Helen Clark think? I don't remember receiving a compliment. Did she ask ChatGPT what she should say to you about the gig?
47:01 - 47:04
It occurred to me because the vibe was good and we're chatting and then we leave and then we're in the car.
47:05 - 47:07
And it occurred to me in the car, I don't think I've received a compliment.
47:07 - 47:11
Oh, right. Did you bring that up or did you, you didn't say how was I?
47:11 - 47:17
I think I asked, what did you think of the other people to get the conversation back to the gig?
47:17 - 47:23
And I think I remember getting a compliment, but I kind of like brought it up.
47:23 - 47:31
Did you bring it up in a, was it a subtle way or was it like on a scale to one to five where one is deeply unsatisfied and five is very happy?
47:31 - 47:39
Well, the thing is, yeah, the compliment, the strength or the power of a compliment or the value of a compliment is directly like inversely proportionate to the degree to which you've begged for it.
47:39 - 47:55
Yeah. Yes. But I would say this to any listeners who know anyone in the performing arts generally, just say that was great when you see the person straight after the show.
47:55 - 48:02
That's all we want. There's something in the back of your mind that then starts to exaggerate how awful they must have thought it was.
48:02 - 48:10
Exactly. Because basically, if you think of the polite thing to do as being just like, oh, good stuff and I don't want to dwell, then we can move on.
48:11 - 48:19
Then you start thinking how bad it would need to be to within yourself decide, I can't in good conscience.
48:19 - 48:27
Yeah. Even say the polite thing given how bad it was. My relationship with the truth would be completely ruined for the rest of my life if I did something like that.
48:27 - 48:36
My integrity for reviewing comedy gigs is so high that I couldn't possibly lie to this man I'm having a holiday fling with by just saying, hey, yeah, I thought you did a really good job.
48:36 - 48:42
I just can't bring myself to do that. No. I'd be dead inside. I have to be real to this man.
48:42 - 48:50
It would have to be pretty bad. All you've had is your tricky eggs. I guess you had the prawn thing as well.
48:50 - 48:56
Do you go for a bite post gig then? You've tantalizingly said that you were in a car after the gig.
48:56 - 49:01
Yes. So where are you taking her to see the graveyard from Home and Away?
49:02 - 49:07
I'm trying to think of Sydney landmarks that aren't too cliched, you know? The graveyard from Home and Away.
49:07 - 49:14
When was the graveyard episode of that? They're always at the serve club. There's a walk you can do around to where.
49:14 - 49:19
Oh, yeah, Clovelly Graveyard. Yes. I don't watch Home and Away. That's the best graveyard in the world, I reckon.
49:20 - 49:24
Does the evening end with you getting it on with her in a graveyard? Do you say?
49:24 - 49:39
Oh, no. Is this a particular interest of yours? I'm home. She's away. David's dream is Ava Perron's mausoleum and a full night of passionate lovemaking in Buenos Aires.
49:39 - 49:46
That's what he hopes to do one day. The ultimate. The ultimate. Where are we going after the gig?
49:46 - 49:50
You can't hang on interruption. You can't be angry because you suggested did you go to a graveyard?
49:51 - 49:55
Did you have sex in a graveyard? Just answer the question. I'm just saying, where are you going, for goodness sake?
49:55 - 49:59
You brought up sex in the graveyard. I think the no is implied in my response.
49:59 - 50:13
Here's my top Sydney landmarks. Okay. I like Glee Books, the bookshop in Glee. There is a statue of Queen Victoria that came from Dublin after independence.
50:14 - 50:22
We gave it to the people of Sydney and the people of Sydney reacted by putting a little speaker in the bottom of it.
50:22 - 50:31
And Queen Victoria's dog goes, hello, I'm Queen Victoria's dog. And has little anecdotes about me.
50:31 - 50:39
It's the tackiest. I didn't know that was a gift from your country. But that is pretty disrespectful to take a statue and give it a voice, a dumb little voice.
50:40 - 50:45
We didn't put the Bluetooth element into it. The Statue of Liberty doesn't go, welcome everybody.
50:47 - 50:53
Hello to everyone on the boats. Boy, am I tired holding up this lantern on this big book.
50:53 - 50:59
They don't let me switch arms. That's crazy. There are some people in my forehead.
51:02 - 51:08
We're going home. So before we go home, my plan is to watch a movie at my house.
51:08 - 51:18
Great. And I pop into a convenience store and I buy two Magnum ice creams and two things of microwave popcorn.
51:18 - 51:23
Wow. Great. Okay. So obviously we're watching Cool Runnings, but what other possibilities are there?
51:24 - 51:29
And just on that, you must read the book. It's Sensate. The only film Max knows is Cool Runnings.
51:29 - 51:34
He just suggests that all the time. Every Winter Olympics, you're over the moon. This is their time.
51:35 - 51:42
This is their time. What movie are we going to watch? Which... So this is where it gets like, I, yeah, want to choose a movie.
51:42 - 51:45
I want it to be like a cool movie. I also want to just watch a good movie, right?
51:45 - 51:51
So I have Letterboxd. I'm not sure if you're familiar with this application, which you can kind of log the movies you've watched.
51:52 - 51:58
And there's also functionality in there to have a watch list. So that's a series of movies you've kind of previously marked as something you'd like to watch.
51:58 - 52:03
Great. I think maybe at some point during the gig or something, I was thinking about this.
52:03 - 52:14
And I quickly went into Letterboxd and I looked at this watch list. The thing that jumped out to me was a film called The Hunt, which I think is a Danish movie, which, you know, I love a Scando movie.
52:14 - 52:22
I've watched some good ones recently. And I've been with an actor who I think, I don't know his name, but I think he's like the bad guy in a James Bond movie that looked...
52:22 - 52:28
And then it very high rating in Letterboxd. Good Rotten Tomatoes. I'm like, that's kind of like a classy foreign film to watch when you're at home.
52:28 - 52:32
Is it Jaws from James Bond? Is he doing... Is he doing... Ignore that. Is it...
52:32 - 52:37
Is this the one about the father who's making the movie and wants his daughter to be in it?
52:38 - 52:41
No. So this one, I'll tell you what this is about. I say ignore that question as well, Bob.
52:43 - 52:49
Do I have permission to begin? You have permission. Yes, please. So we sit down and watch this movie.
52:49 - 52:59
I've made some popcorn. We sit down and we start watching the movie. In the, I suppose, the process of selecting the right app to get the movie, I've got a prime video.
52:59 - 53:05
My address for my payment card isn't right. I'm like clicking around. There's a bit of faff in getting the movie started.
53:05 - 53:10
I've turned the lights out like I've created a mood. Dude, that's all a bit frustrating, but she's not being judgmental.
53:10 - 53:17
She's not being impatient. So I stay calm and I get across the line. In that process, we see a bit of a blurb about the plot of this movie.
53:18 - 53:20
I know nothing about this movie other than that it has a good rating and that it's Scandinavia.
53:21 - 53:26
There's something about a false accusation. Like it's a, it's like a suspenseful kind of like drama, right?
53:26 - 53:33
Then the movie begins and the setting is that like the main character is a man who is established to be a good man.
53:34 - 53:41
He's a kindergarten teacher. And it becomes clear about 15 minutes into the film that this movie is about pedophiles.
53:44 - 53:54
Here we go. You just loudly licking your magnum. And like, that's what the show has been like all about.
53:55 - 54:00
Like a disturbing theme is emerging, I guess. It's about a man who is falsely accused.
54:00 - 54:11
And based on a true story, I looked up subsequently. It was actually kind of a cute point of connection really, because it was the worst date film I think I've ever seen.
54:13 - 54:21
It was like gut wrenching. Like a man in a small town is accused of a terrible, terrible thing and it tears apart the community and he has to deal with that.
54:22 - 54:29
And it's just like, it's really gripping. And there are themes about family and community and trust.
54:29 - 54:40
But undoubtedly the most prominent theme is pedophilia. Yeah. Sort of on this podcast, we're very much hoping we get to the second bonk and it doesn't feel like this is what we need.
54:40 - 54:46
I'm sorry. I couldn't do it, fellas. I was thinking of you. I was trying to get it across the line.
54:48 - 54:54
Yeah, I feel it's hard to eat the popcorn when tears are falling into the popcorn, you know.
54:54 - 55:00
Towards the end of the film, how do you feel about this? This is the, like she was dealing very well with the fact that this was the most intense movie we've ever seen.
55:01 - 55:08
Which was actually like a nice thing. And that we were kind of like, I don't know, you find out about people in these kind of situations, you know.
55:08 - 55:12
And then like I found it like really affecting and like a good movie in the end.
55:12 - 55:18
But I guess with however long to go, she wanted to check how long left in the movie.
55:18 - 55:31
Yeah. And I refused. How do you feel about that? Interesting. So she wanted to just glide the cursor up onto the screen so that the white line would appear to show you how long.
55:31 - 55:35
I guess my question is, is the film three hours long and are you two and a half hours in?
55:35 - 55:39
Yes. Or is it 90 minutes and you're an hour in? I knew. I don't think she knew.
55:40 - 55:45
But I saw in part of my kind of reconnaissance about the film that it was like an hour 50.
55:45 - 55:49
Okay. And how far in? Is it like five minutes into the film she wants to check?
55:49 - 55:56
Or like how far in? I would describe like it was clear. Well, not clear, but like we're in the final act at this point.
55:56 - 56:05
Yeah. Like some final seeming stuff is happening. And she's like, how long left? Because then you start doing calculus about kind of like, oh, they've only got seven minutes left.
56:05 - 56:10
So this must happen. You start trying to like backwards logic what might occur in the last seven minutes.
56:10 - 56:15
I don't want to know that. And did Helen Clark get annoyed that you wouldn't move the cursor up?
56:15 - 56:24
I said the phrase, this is my house. Whoa. Jokingly. What? I've got to like, I'm drawing the line here.
56:24 - 56:31
I like, you have a different style of enjoyment, but like, I think it's, it reduces enjoyment to look at the time.
56:31 - 56:36
I'm making the call. I understand where you're coming from. Okay. And how does she react to this?
56:36 - 56:40
She folded her arms, I'd say. No, she was okay with it. Okay, fine. All right.
56:40 - 56:49
So then the movie ends. And then what happens? You loudly exhale the two of you and just sit shaking your heads for 20 minutes.
56:49 - 56:54
Then we had a bit more chat, like we're getting ready for bed. No, no bonking.
56:55 - 56:58
I'm sorry. Yeah. It's amazing how no other guest has said that on this podcast.
57:00 - 57:09
Alan Davies didn't say no bonking. I'm sorry. I remember we were talking more about compatibility and kind of, you know, finding out about each other.
57:09 - 57:13
She's got a list of things that she's looking for in a guy, I guess.
57:13 - 57:22
And I was reading those out and with her permission. Yes. That was interesting finding out about what she's, and I was kind of jokingly, I guess being like, tick, I've got that.
57:22 - 57:28
Tick. Like some would just like reads. Can read. Can read. She's saying her height's so high.
57:29 - 57:36
No, reads. That's different. Can read. Converts food into energy. It's quite basic stuff on the list.
57:37 - 57:44
Assertive in cafes. Yeah. Like, it does strike me, Tom. We don't want to get too excited about this.
57:45 - 57:58
Well, our first ever, what did you do yesterday? Marriage is what you're saying. But top of my list of words to describe you would be, even before hurler, would be analyst.
57:59 - 58:09
Irish. Irish. Analytic. And it does seem like you have found someone who was also trying to crack.
58:09 - 58:14
You see, I don't think you and I would be compatible because I've always found.
58:14 - 58:20
Why the fuck am I here? That in a relationship, we're talking too much about the relationship.
58:20 - 58:27
It's because we're not doing the relationship. Yeah, right. But I realized. But this is my love language.
58:27 - 58:34
I'm wired in that kind of a way. Yeah. Whereas. But also, because it doesn't feel infinite, you can have these kind of, well, are we compatible?
58:34 - 58:38
It doesn't matter. Even though we deep down, we both know maybe it does matter.
58:38 - 58:48
It could matter. We've talked about that. And I think the fact that like, if it wasn't like, if she wasn't on holiday, I think if you start having these conversations early on, they imply commitment.
58:48 - 58:53
And then you worry that, oh, am I kind of implying too much keenness early on?
58:53 - 58:58
I don't want to mislead anyone. You need to kind of like check in with yourself to make sure you're not misrepresenting your feelings.
58:58 - 59:05
Whereas you don't have to worry about that in this situation. So you can be much more open, much more honest and much more, yeah, analytical.
59:05 - 59:09
But I agree with you that that is also my language, love language and kind of hers as well.
59:09 - 59:18
Like this, talking about this stuff was fun. Yeah. I like it then. Great. I suppose one of the things that she was looking for in a guy was female friends.
59:19 - 59:25
And so I listed my female friends. And then three hours later, we went to bed.
59:30 - 59:40
I remember when I was about 14, counting all the girls that I knew. And I knew 20 girls then.
59:41 - 59:45
14. I think that's not bad. Yeah. But there were loads of girls on the road and everything.
59:45 - 59:51
Like I wasn't quite putting my mom on the list, but I was kind of putting my sister's friend on the list.
59:51 - 59:56
Her at number 72. Yeah. I don't know her name yet. We're aware of each other's existences.
59:56 - 1:00:02
And what's another compatibility thing? Obviously, you don't have to talk about this, but I am intrigued that she is looking for.
1:00:03 - 1:00:07
Yeah. I don't remember heaps more of them. I feel like kind was one. Yeah.
1:00:07 - 1:00:15
But that feels like everybody would write kind. Like nobody wants unkind. Like nobody's saying on the apps is writing, I'm unkind.
1:00:16 - 1:00:22
And I'm looking for someone else who is unkind. Well, I'm a bad boy. And the Helen Copter must have been looking for a bad boy.
1:00:22 - 1:00:29
That's true. Yeah. I hadn't considered that. Yeah. I guess. So like my main character traits, leather jacket, bad boy.
1:00:29 - 1:00:40
Smoking. Cursing. Exactly. There's my four main character traits. So we get into bed. What do we do in bed?
1:00:40 - 1:00:47
Do we look at our phones? You guys are creeps. You guys are fucking creeps.
1:00:47 - 1:00:53
We didn't intend on this journey for it to become quite so sinister. But yeah, we are basically become total creeps.
1:00:54 - 1:01:02
Do you have a discussion of the movie? Do you? Yeah. I get up at my phone actually, which I like to do after a lot of movies.
1:01:02 - 1:01:08
And I read a bunch of letterbox reviews. Yeah. And then sometimes there's some jokes about the movie, which is funny.
1:01:09 - 1:01:14
Then, yeah, you read other kind of people that are better than you at analyzing movies.
1:01:14 - 1:01:20
And you're like, yeah, that was good about it. I did like that. Yeah. I find sometimes I see a movie and I really like it.
1:01:20 - 1:01:23
And then The Guardian give it a bad rating and I have to change my opinion.
1:01:23 - 1:01:31
It's always really embarrassing. Cool Runnings, for example. He loved it. They were like, it's just a schlucky kid's film.
1:01:31 - 1:01:39
Peter Bradshaw gave it two stars. What? I have to hate this movie. But it's not like when there are occasionally films that are just so moving, like this one suggests,
1:01:39 - 1:01:45
that you do have to, I can't remember, was it Jojo Rabbit? Me and Jamie had to sit in the cinema afterwards for like 20 minutes.
1:01:46 - 1:01:53
Yeah. In total silence. I just sort of not looking at anyone trying to sort of make our faces not look like we've just not been bawling our eyes.
1:01:53 - 1:01:57
Like sometimes that is, it's not a pleasant experience, but it's kind of an important thing.
1:01:57 - 1:02:04
I've asked for a minute after this ended. Yeah. For sure. Like there was some silence of just thinking about it for sure.
1:02:04 - 1:02:12
And also you'd attempted to rent out Hunt for the Wilder People, a lovely, fun, New Zealand, quite profound movie.
1:02:12 - 1:02:17
And then you'd got the Hunt by mistake. So maybe that's where she was annoyed, why Helen Clark was furious throughout.
1:02:18 - 1:02:23
Yeah. You know a date's going well when you turn to the date and say, I think this movie's about better fun.
1:02:25 - 1:02:34
But this is interesting. But this is sort of beyond, because if it's, you're not, you're sort of past the dating bit when you're just, you know, you're in bed, you're just lying down and you don't feel like you have to bonk.
1:02:34 - 1:02:39
You're just like, this is now, you're pushing towards relationship time, Tom. I don't want to worry you.
1:02:39 - 1:02:47
I mean, I think that's my point about things like this is that you escalate the intimacy quicker without worrying about what that could mean.
1:02:48 - 1:02:51
Yeah. But I mean, there's a chance I'm going there in May. This could be the beginning of something.
1:02:52 - 1:03:03
Who knows? In fact, I would say when you get a bit older than when you get into your 40s, you overanalyze or rather you, you look at a potential new relationship.
1:03:03 - 1:03:06
And you're like, is this it?
1:03:06 - 1:03:20
Which is a terrible way to be to try and make that decision off the top of a relationship rather than do what you did in your romantically unsuccessful 20s and 30s, where you just sort of let a thing be itself for a while.
1:03:20 - 1:03:28
So this tactic, I do like it because by calling it a holiday fling, you have taken any pressure off it.
1:03:28 - 1:03:34
So you do then get to. Yeah, it's absolutely intriguing. And yes, Max, I'm foreseeing the first.
1:03:34 - 1:03:39
What did you do yesterday wedding? And also good to podcast about it the day after.
1:03:39 - 1:03:46
That is really analyze it in a public setting. I can't stress this enough. I would have been hanging out with her now.
1:03:47 - 1:03:53
Oh, no, we've ruined it. But no, she's I'm going to go grab her after this.
1:03:53 - 1:03:56
OK, it wasn't like she was here and then I kicked her out for this.
1:03:56 - 1:04:04
So don't worry too much. I suppose the only other detail I remember before we went to sleep is we had a discussion about.
1:04:05 - 1:04:10
So I have a white noise machine for babies. Yeah, for babies, because I want my phone out of the bedroom.
1:04:10 - 1:04:16
But I needed the phone for the white like for white noise or rain sounds or whatever, because I need a bit of something.
1:04:16 - 1:04:23
White noise is the sound of white people. Yes. Just shopping or whatever. Got it.
1:04:23 - 1:04:31
And does she disagree with the white noise machine? She was skeptical. And then we explored the settings of the white noise machine.
1:04:31 - 1:04:35
Yeah. And she agreed with me that I had made the best choice of the sounds available.
1:04:36 - 1:04:46
Is one of the sounds like screaming on it? No, it's more one goes, but it's like brown and white noise.
1:04:46 - 1:05:02
Oh, my God. Unlike my the app that I have for rain sounds has a series of different rain sounds on different materials like tent rain, roof rain and then horses, which is just the sound of horses running around a field getting closer to you.
1:05:03 - 1:05:07
Randomly. I don't know if that's going to make you fall asleep, is it? As horses are incorrect because they're big.
1:05:07 - 1:05:12
Because eventually, you know, if you play out fully, a horse lands on your bed.
1:05:12 - 1:05:24
Yeah. Also, sales of the rain sound machine in Ireland have really fallen off over the last 60 days where it has actually rained every fucking day as well.
1:05:25 - 1:05:29
That's a, Max, that's a very unique day we've had. It's a great day. Yeah.
1:05:29 - 1:05:34
I enjoyed it tremendously. I enjoyed the cafe. Well, obviously, I enjoyed the morning, but.
1:05:34 - 1:05:46
Oh, yeah. I did enjoy the cafe and Glasses Gate. I think the big question for me, David, would be, do you think because of our involvement now in this relationship, will we be involved?
1:05:46 - 1:05:50
I'm not expecting a sort of ceremonial role of any kind, but not the service.
1:05:51 - 1:05:59
Ceremonial role? Are you asking to be the groom? I don't want to be an usher, but like, just, you know, maybe we won't be there for the ceremony, but we'll be there for the dancing.
1:05:59 - 1:06:07
I don't know. My question is, we get invited, but do we get plus ones than us that we can bring more people?
1:06:07 - 1:06:12
Like, we are groomsmen. Yeah, that's true. So we're the two groomsmen just standing there.
1:06:12 - 1:06:17
So hopefully, yeah. It's a great commitment to comedy if we are the two groomsmen for this wedding.
1:06:17 - 1:06:24
Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is funny to your podcast audience. And they matter. They matter in this.
1:06:25 - 1:06:30
Tom Cashman, thank you very much for telling us what you did yesterday. Thank you very much.
1:06:30 - 1:06:38
And I did have to talk to Helen Clark about what she's comfortable with regarding me talking about the day and stuff.
1:06:38 - 1:06:45
So it has been kind of like a part of our relationship. And if we do get married, I would appreciate maybe like a little cameo video at the very least.
1:06:45 - 1:06:56
Oh, wow. Yeah. But on Cameo, my plan is to set my fee at £200,000 just in case billionaires will get together and get drunk and just say, we can afford this.
1:06:57 - 1:07:02
And the limit is a thousand. And I thought that isn't expensive enough to not just look like a twat.
1:07:02 - 1:07:08
So I'm not on it. Max, if the billionaires get drunk and pay that money, I don't think you want to know what they ask you to do.
1:07:08 - 1:07:13
Oh, we're going full circle now, aren't we? Oh, I see. Yeah. We promised not to end this with a paedophile gag.
1:07:13 - 1:07:28
And we have. Thank you, Tom. Thank you very much for having me. There was Tom's yesterday.
1:07:28 - 1:07:32
Our second bonk, David. I really thought we might get a double bonk in there.
1:07:32 - 1:07:36
It wasn't for that movie. If they'd just done Robin Hood, Prince of Thieves, we'd have had the second bonk.
1:07:37 - 1:07:44
We'd had two bonks in a day. I thought, can I just say to our credit, we handled this bonk much better than we handled the first bonk.
1:07:44 - 1:07:52
Was I too blasé about it, though? Because I immediately skipped to post-bonk. But you can't go in detail on it.
1:07:52 - 1:07:58
No, it's not sex talk. We know we're not going. We don't want to get into the nitty gritty of things, do we?
1:07:58 - 1:08:03
And I don't think we would be the best people to give advice. You just like, well, speak for yourself.
1:08:04 - 1:08:18
Speak for yourself, David. You don't want to be doing that. But do you know what's nice is that now guests, because they feel so comfortable in our company and in the community of listeners that we've built, that they are happy to share.
1:08:18 - 1:08:21
It's all part of life. All these things are all part of life, aren't they?
1:08:21 - 1:08:32
Exactly, yes. When eventually you do book Hugh Grant for it, Grant will now feel under pressure to have at least three bones in a day.
1:08:34 - 1:08:43
A marathon of tantric sex will be his episode. Hi, Hugh. I once shared a taxi with you 15 years ago.
1:08:43 - 1:08:49
Would you do our podcast at all? So can you have sex with three different people in the previous day?
1:08:49 - 1:08:56
We should also say that what is true is it feels good, this relationship. And Sydney, New Zealand is not.
1:08:56 - 1:09:00
That's not doable. And this could be our first What Did You Do Yesterday wedding.
1:09:01 - 1:09:06
And everyone can come. All the listeners are invited. The whole wedding will be themed after the episode.
1:09:06 - 1:09:15
All the glasses are tiny on all the tables. There won't be a band. There'll be 15 comedians doing gigs, and then we'll play a film about pedophiles.
1:09:16 - 1:09:28
Hopefully Tom's cool with that. Check out Tom Cashman. Not the hurler, the comedian. All of his online stuff is utterly wonderful.
1:09:28 - 1:09:32
If you would like to get in touch with this podcast, this is how you would go about that.
1:09:34 - 1:09:40
To get in touch with the show, you can email us at whatdidyoudoyesterdaypod at gmail.com.
1:09:40 - 1:09:47
Follow us on Instagram at yesterdaypod. And please subscribe and leave a review if you liked it on your preferred podcast platform.
1:09:47 - 1:09:56
And if you didn't, please don't. Thank you, David. I had a nice time. I've forgotten.
1:09:56 - 1:10:01
We have forgotten to plug the Australia gig once again off the top. Oh, no.
1:10:01 - 1:10:13
So we're now putting it in the absolute dregs of the episode here. We will be performing on the 3rd of April in Melbourne Town Hall in the afternoon.
1:10:13 - 1:10:22
Good Friday. No public transport. Get yourself there. In and for life. Thanks, Max. Thank you.