0:06 - 0:29
Podcasts, there are millions of them. Some might say, too many. I have one already. I don't have any, because there are enough. Politics, business, sport, you name it, there's a podcast about it and they all ask the big questions and cover the hot topics of the day. But nobody is covering the most important topic of all. Why is that? Are they scared? Too afraid of being censored by the man?
0:30 - 0:57
Possibly, but not us. We're here to ask the only question that matters. We try and say it at the same time, Max. What did you do yesterday? What did you do yesterday? That's it. All we're interested in is what the guests got up to yesterday. Nothing more. Day before yesterday, Max? Nope. The greatest and most interesting day of your life? Unless it was yesterday, we don't want to know about it. I'm Max Rushden. And I'm David O'Doherty. Welcome to What Did You Do Yesterday?
1:01 - 1:09
Hello, everybody. Welcome to What Did You Do Yesterday? I'm Max Rushden. And with me today is David O'Doherty. And this, David, is a good one.
1:09 - 1:25
The featured guest on today's episode of What Did You Do Yesterday is Phil Ellis, who fans of comedy will, Edinburgh Fringe, whatnot, will know him from Funz and Games and his own unique and wonderful stand-up going back for some time.
1:25 - 1:34
And his recent appearances on Taskmaster. I think he's the first guest we've ever had that's been on that show, Max.
1:34 - 1:43
I don't know of Taskmaster, but it sounds popular. Now, I will say about this, Phil's episode, and no spoilers here, but it is nutritionally interesting.
1:43 - 1:54
I think it's fair to say. It has the bit that I have laughed uncontrollably the most within it. And now you're going to say exactly what the thing is. Don't say what the thing is.
1:54 - 2:07
I think I now understand the parameters of how much we're allowed to flag upcoming good bits. But to the listeners, Max did put in the WhatsApp group, this is the best bit we've ever had on the podcast.
2:07 - 2:20
But it was the bit where I laughed uncontrollably. There was a moment where I couldn't really carry on asking, and then you got off the bus or whatever, because I was just thinking about the thing that he described as the worst moment of his life.
2:20 - 2:27
This is awful clickbait. Like with clickbait, I feel you have to give them a little bit more so that they say no.
2:27 - 2:46
Don't give them anything. Give them nothing. Phil is on tour around Great Britain until October with his show Bath Mat. And if you want to know what Phil Ellis is like, and also what he did yesterday, keep listening.
2:56 - 3:08
Phil Ellis, welcome to What Did You Do Yesterday? Hello. Good to be here. Max, you know that we're against video. A lot of these podcasts are doing video, but we see each other for the recording of this.
3:08 - 3:19
And Phil, because of the celestial light in a slightly, I gotta say, dark-ish room, Phil does look like he's dead.
3:20 - 3:26
It will be interesting if in the course of his yesterday, he did in fact die.
3:26 - 3:33
And this is the first time we've spoken to someone from the afterlife. And what you have to say is, credit the man for still coming on the pod.
3:33 - 3:40
Because many, many would turn up. I've got a gig in Chorley later as well.
3:40 - 3:47
It's been in the diary for months, so I couldn't let them down. It'll be weird when you go to take the mic out of the stand.
3:47 - 3:50
I think it'll be fine so long as you're talking into the mic in the stand.
3:50 - 3:57
But as soon as you try to impact on the material world or get paid, the money will physically go through your hand.
3:58 - 4:02
That'd be the two problems. Oh, it's not been cashed in hand in years, don't you?
4:03 - 4:11
Sorry, Phil. Gotta declare everything. Sorry for suggesting that. Actually, as a dead person. I'm recommending evading tax.
4:11 - 4:14
But that is a really good, I think it's a good way of doing it.
4:14 - 4:24
They'd find you. They'd still find you, I reckon. Exhumed by the HMRC. You'll be going over the river and they'll go, Hey, what's that money you're giving the boatman?
4:24 - 4:33
I'm clearing it for travel. 45p a mile, isn't it? You get to the pearly gates and St. Peter is listening to an old episode of What Did You Do Yesterday?
4:34 - 4:39
And he's just about to wave you through. And he's like, hang on, were you doing cash and hand gigs in 2036?
4:41 - 4:46
He's getting his book out. Yeah, the first person to actually ask for a receipt going across the river sticks.
4:46 - 4:51
Can I get a receipt? And then get on your app, do it straight away, because otherwise you'll forget.
4:51 - 4:57
I won't give it in three stars. You're going the long way. We didn't have to go through hell.
4:58 - 5:05
Now then, Phil, what time did you wake up yesterday, Phil? Yesterday, I woke up in a travel lodge.
5:05 - 5:16
I didn't need to know that. In Farringdon at 8.15, I think. 8.15? For me, there's two sorts of the budget hotels.
5:16 - 5:21
There's the ones that have been done up recently, in which case you're like, this is amazing.
5:21 - 5:26
I can't believe this was only 99 quid. And then there's ones that were done up six years ago.
5:26 - 5:30
And when you wake up, you see like blood on the ceiling or something like that.
5:30 - 5:33
And you think, I shouldn't have stayed here. Was it one of the nice ones?
5:34 - 5:38
It was such a small room because it was, I think it was Valentine's Day.
5:38 - 5:41
It turned out a lot of people were also in single rooms for Valentine's Day.
5:43 - 5:47
By the sounds of it. But that's the loneliest travel lodge I've ever been in.
5:47 - 5:51
Yeah. It was one that was like so small, you couldn't, if there were any problems, you wouldn't have really noticed.
5:52 - 5:56
Like there wasn't enough space to make the mess. Got it. Terrible kill room. Oh, was it?
5:57 - 6:02
I used to live, I'm going to say, 100 yards from that travel lodge. Oh, really?
6:03 - 6:15
Yeah. In the heart of Clark and well, I'm going to say 2007 to 2011 would be my years of living, 200 yards from that travel lodge.
6:15 - 6:18
But I never stayed there because it might be a weird thing to do, wouldn't it?
6:18 - 6:27
So Max, these would have been the Soccer AM glory years. So this is right in the heart of the glory years, yeah. So you would have just been mobbed as you walked past that travel lodge.
6:27 - 6:34
Mr. Rushden, Mr. Rushden, any comment on, I'm trying to think, on George Bush losing the presidency?
6:36 - 6:43
It was fully booked because it was, people knew it was near where I lived with JK and Jeff.
6:43 - 6:47
Yeah, that's true. So it's not, it's quite a nice part of town there. I like it.
6:47 - 6:52
Yeah. Lots of nice wine. Do you know, it feels like the real London. Yeah.
6:53 - 7:00
Did you loiter in bed or had you booked the travel lodge breakfast and you were in a rush to get down for it?
7:00 - 7:10
No, I never. What I do, a top tip for anyone, with the travel lodge breakfast, I never book it because there's usually one to five things you can complain about when you're there and you'll get a free one.
7:11 - 7:19
And is this what happened? No, not this time, sadly. I was too tired. But like you said, David, you can have a good look around and you'll probably find some blood somewhere.
7:19 - 7:24
Just take a picture. And before you know it, you've got eternal sausage. Blood and a pube.
7:24 - 7:29
Free breakfast. That's how it works. Yeah, yeah. So you go down and you say, I didn't sleep a wink.
7:29 - 7:38
I am horrified by this human arm that I found under the bed. Is there any chance of some watery eggs for free?
7:38 - 7:44
Is that the transaction? Yeah. I go, as a classic righty, this left hand has really offended me this morning.
7:44 - 7:49
I hated this one already and I've got two of them. I'm too wasted time.
7:49 - 7:55
I just sort of go down. I go, actually, every hotel stay like an episode of four in the bed.
7:55 - 8:00
Oh, right. You're looking after everything. You're lifting the toilet seat and go, God, this toilet smells like a toilet.
8:00 - 8:11
I'm giving them 10 pounds off. That is unacceptable. Just on the, I know this episode is not on video and we don't use video, but as you brought it up, in the first six minutes,
8:11 - 8:20
it's like heaven has opened. So if you were dead at the start of this, you were in the bit you're in just after you die, where they're deciding where you go.
8:21 - 8:28
And the news looks good because the celestial light has just appeared above your head now.
8:28 - 8:32
It could, but I am hanging upside down in my room. I didn't want to tell you that.
8:34 - 8:39
Not as positive as you think. So do we lie in bed for a bit?
8:39 - 8:45
What are we, what are we doing this little travel lodge? Well, it seems at the minute I've got to use every second because I'll be sucked up into it.
8:45 - 8:49
I like the idea as well, Derek, that you die and then they go, all right, what should we do?
8:50 - 8:57
Like they've not thought about it. You could get someone on a bad day. Hell, everyone's going to hell, hell, hell.
8:57 - 9:01
Or arriving down at reception and being like, hi, I'm afraid I died last night.
9:01 - 9:07
Can I get a free breakfast? Do you leave and hit the streets of London?
9:08 - 9:13
Because this is, I don't know London very well. So we're in the midst of it, are we?
9:13 - 9:18
You're out all the day, for the whole day, aren't you generally? If you're staying in a hotel and you're working in town.
9:18 - 9:24
So I go, right, I'll start the day properly, have a nice shower. But I've started lingering in bed more.
9:24 - 9:32
I'm doing the scrolling thing. So I'm sort of scrolling a little bit, searching my own name, see if anyone hated the show last night.
9:32 - 9:40
What is the algorithm serving up to you, Phil? What sort of stuff? Oh, at the minute, the big time thing is Basset Hounds.
9:41 - 9:49
Yeah. Mostly overweight Basset Hounds. Yeah. Struggling with flaps and stuff like that. I'm fights on Ryanair flights.
9:49 - 9:54
They've decided that the thing that I'm looking for for the internet more than anything else.
9:54 - 10:02
Like, I even know the start of all those videos, because it starts with just a shot of the clip down tray in front of you.
10:02 - 10:12
And I'm like, here we go. And then straight down the edge. And the Spanish authorities have got on to pull off an Irish or English family who are threatening someone else.
10:12 - 10:19
For some reason, you always tell the fake one because the captain's there. You're like, let's all this happen in mid-flight.
10:19 - 10:24
There's always that captain who wants to join in, isn't there? Oh, come on, Captain Phillips.
10:24 - 10:30
Don't do that. Okay, so we've got Basset Hounds. I always think that. You remember umpires in darts on TV?
10:31 - 10:34
They always train up the bit because there's so little to do with darts umpire, isn't it?
10:34 - 10:45
It's like, oh, it's touching wire. And they go, yeah. But I always love it when they go, if everyone's been too noisy, they go, ladies and gentlemen, if you do like to make a noise, there's a lovely warm car park outside.
10:45 - 10:47
And they get a big round of applause. I always feel like that's what the captain is.
10:48 - 10:51
He comes out going, I will throw you off the plane if you want. And everyone goes, yay.
10:51 - 10:54
You can't even land where you want.
10:55 - 11:11
What they never show in darts, though, is, and it's, I, granted, I only play darts a few times a year, is the incredible look of concentration on the player's face as he or she tries to work out the mathematics of how many points there are left.
11:11 - 11:17
And the numbers that it would require to get to that point. These guys just know it off by heart.
11:18 - 11:21
I know. That is an extra. I never thought of that extra stress for the game.
11:21 - 11:30
Yeah. So we do scroll Bassett Hounds for how long? Oh, yeah. About 20 minutes. And so yesterday I just went, oh, I need to get, I better check the trains.
11:31 - 11:38
I was just thinking, I forgot that the Manchester Piccadilly station's closed. So all the trains are a bit messed up.
11:39 - 11:42
So then I looked and realised it was going to take me four hours to get home.
11:42 - 11:51
And I was like, damn Bassetts. And I was just going to miss a train, even if I ran, because of those fucking Bassett bastards.
11:52 - 11:57
What is it about the Bassett Hound that, what would make you linger on a photo as opposed to just scrolling up one?
11:58 - 12:01
There's a lot going, a lot of movement in a Bassett, even when they're not moving.
12:02 - 12:11
They've got folds folded in on themselves, like flubber, like constantly moving. I mean, I used to have a Bassett when I was a kid.
12:12 - 12:15
I like them. They don't really see a lot of them, but they're very interesting dogs.
12:15 - 12:19
They're quite gentle, but stubborn and fun. Yeah, I like it. They've got a great face.
12:20 - 12:28
I have a question about them. So like my granny used to breed Dachshunds, whatever, sausage dogs, before they were the hipster dog.
12:28 - 12:34
But their origin was, the reason they're small is because they were like badger killing dogs.
12:34 - 12:42
And they used to send them down badger holes. Did the Bassett Hound, I wonder, have any historic use?
12:42 - 12:49
Is there a reason why they were bred to be that extraordinary shape? Yeah, same thing.
12:49 - 12:55
I think like for rabbits and stuff. Because Bassett in French means low set. So they're low down so they can get in.
12:56 - 13:02
I mean, have you ever seen a Bassett try and run? I don't really. They don't strike me as killers either these days.
13:02 - 13:09
Why did they breed the flaps? I mean, that's landing. Is it landing? Takeoff and landing?
13:09 - 13:14
What is it? It's funny, isn't it? Yeah. I've never really thought of that. You look and go, right, we've got the low bait.
13:14 - 13:26
Now let's have fun. Let's have a bit of fun with it. That would be the ultimate combination of our scrolls would be a fight between Bassett Hounds on a Ryanair flight.
13:26 - 13:34
And then the Bassett Hounds are thrown off the plane, but use their ears then to glide back down to earth.
13:34 - 13:39
That would get so many views. Oh my God. And we can do that. We can actually.
13:39 - 13:47
Yeah, that'd be very easy to do. AI. AI. So what are you running from up the Farringdon Road to Euston?
13:47 - 13:55
What's the plan here? Oh, no. What about breakfast? I've been putting a lot of weight on because I quit smoking like four years ago.
13:55 - 14:01
And then I realized I started tasting stuff again, which I've never been that bothered about food.
14:02 - 14:06
And then I quit drinking. And then I'm like, well, what do you do? I don't really know what you do.
14:06 - 14:12
So I've just been eating loads of chocolate. And I think what I do is I eat loads of chocolate at night in the travel lunch.
14:12 - 14:18
I mean, this is such a grim. At least it's not the morning after Valentine's.
14:18 - 14:24
That's the main thing. So do you wake up with like wrappers all around? Is there Tony's, Chocolonies, wrappers everywhere?
14:24 - 14:32
Like, ah, ah, ah. I'm waking up with a body. I killed my best friend.
14:32 - 14:39
Oh, no. What you're saying is because you've eaten chocolate the night before, there's no need to eat food the next morning because you just feel full and guilty.
14:39 - 14:49
Well, I think in my head that I go, if I go as long as possible today, not eating when I'm doing stuff, then later on when I'm sat watching a Blu-ray or whatever,
14:50 - 14:54
I can then do all that eating. I think that's what nutritionists say you should do.
14:54 - 14:58
I think they do, don't they? Starve yourself for as long as possible and then just eat fuck loads of sugar.
14:59 - 15:03
That's the way forward. They keep trying to get in touch with me, PT people.
15:03 - 15:06
I've never, I finally got on telly and all the people that have given me free stuff.
15:07 - 15:10
I remember Joe, I see years ago going, get loads of free stuff. I went, oh, wow.
15:10 - 15:17
I've got a free hair transplant. Whoa. Which is still, I mean, it's obviously, this isn't the stage where it's all grown out yet, but I've done it.
15:18 - 15:26
But this is the, it's fallen out. Now you've got a weight face. Cool. And did you have to post videos about what a great time it was?
15:27 - 15:31
I've only done two videos so far, but you only do like six or seven.
15:32 - 15:36
Whoa. But it's a clinic just down the road in Manchester and it was brilliant.
15:36 - 15:39
It was weird because they did the first, it didn't hurt as much as I thought.
15:39 - 15:48
But it's just a bit tender for about a week after. They do the first bit where they turn around and inject your head and numb it, which I was worried about, but that's fine after a couple of pinches.
15:49 - 15:52
And then you turn your back. And then, but then they gave me the remote for Netflix.
15:53 - 15:56
And then I started panicking. So I was like, oh, for what do you pick?
15:56 - 15:58
Because it's horrible on your own, isn't it? And so I put Rain Man on.
16:01 - 16:05
Giving everyone anxiety as he was stressing out when they're having sex in the hotel.
16:05 - 16:09
He was going. And I was like, this is a terrible film. So look, Max, I'm sorry.
16:09 - 16:21
I know this isn't yesterday, but I'm allowed one non-yesterday question. I have heard tales of there's a period when you get the new hair in where it's terribly dangerous,
16:21 - 16:27
as in if you were to knock your head off, say, the door of a taxi while you're getting out of it.
16:27 - 16:34
Six grand's worth of hair is left on it. Were you worried in the sort of day after it went in?
16:34 - 16:40
It's horrible. It's like they give you like a four to five days. You have to sleep upright, upright like the elephant man.
16:40 - 16:48
Wow. In bed. So you don't knock anything off. And at one point I hit the antenna of like a radio in my kitchen and I was like, oh, I'm done.
16:48 - 16:55
But it was fine. It was fine. I thought I'd have like one of those like a lightning streak in my, like it's perfectly taken all the grass.
16:56 - 17:01
Yeah, it's terrifying. I think the first, so I slept upright for 10 days just out of fear.
17:01 - 17:10
Yeah. I have a question. And David, I'd like you to ask, I don't know Phil well enough to ask this question, but it doesn't look like there's a whole lot of hair there.
17:11 - 17:16
How? Yeah. No, so this. So this. And you said it was brilliant and I didn't want to say.
17:17 - 17:21
No, listen. I went to meet some friends the other night, Matt Eurins and everyone.
17:22 - 17:23
And I looked, I was like, what's going on? Why is everyone looking behind me?
17:23 - 17:26
It was because Matt was just like looking, trying to figure out where it was.
17:26 - 17:30
And I was like, it's done. It just doesn't look done. And what it is.
17:31 - 17:40
So they put all the hairs in and it falls out after about two weeks, but it should start to show in about three months, it'll be growing again.
17:40 - 17:45
But everyone gets panicky because they go, oh, hey, it looks great. And then I thought I'd be the one that holds onto him.
17:46 - 17:49
And then they all fall out and you go, oh God. So then you just have to have faith.
17:50 - 17:53
And in the meantime, like you say, it does look like I'm telling everyone I've had a hair transplant.
17:53 - 18:00
They go, I don't think you have, mate. I decided to do it. And then go, the biggest tour I've ever had in my life.
18:00 - 18:05
And everyone's just going, I look like shit. And everyone's just going, I go, I've had a hair transplant.
18:05 - 18:10
They go, no, you haven't. I go, I have. Ten minutes of the show is me trying to convince people it's all right.
18:11 - 18:16
I like the ultimate power of persuasion. Not bothering having it, but just keep telling people you've had it.
18:16 - 18:19
Yeah. And they will just eventually just be like, yeah, you have it. Yeah, it looks great, Phil.
18:20 - 18:25
Yeah. Yeah, you can't borrow my comb, Phil. Yeah. Don't get too much hair in it.
18:25 - 18:30
You know what you're like? Yeah. So what's happening? How are we getting, what are we doing?
18:30 - 18:34
Are we just jumping in a cab to Houston? What's happening? I run. Well, I don't run.
18:34 - 18:42
I walk at a fast pace. That's further than you think, isn't it? You sort of think I'm right there, actually, because Kings Cross to Houston is, it's a bit of a hike.
18:42 - 18:47
Yeah. I always think it's five minutes. It's only when I get to that first little set of those.
18:47 - 18:51
I really like all the housing. I guess like the council flats that would have been around there.
18:51 - 18:56
There's some really cool ones there. And you always think like, oh, I met that point.
18:57 - 19:02
Oh, that's another 15 minutes, isn't it? And I don't know why. I always think it's like five minutes.
19:02 - 19:06
And then I just end up stressing and sweating. But so I'm running through the park.
19:06 - 19:09
There's always a larder I like to have a photo with. It's always asking for a photo.
19:12 - 19:18
This is like me in London. I arrive wherever I am, just arrive at Terminal 3 in Heathrow.
19:18 - 19:23
And I'll just be like, I'll walk to wherever it is. The Soho Theatre. No bother.
19:23 - 19:32
I don't even have a map. I just have a copy of Paddington that I'm trying to use to locate where I'm going in London.
19:32 - 19:35
Do you make it to the train station? I make it to the train station.
19:35 - 19:38
Yeah, I do. I've just realized my camera's frozen. I mean, why would that even work?
19:38 - 19:43
I mean, it doesn't matter. I'm having a good time on that photo. It does look like I've died now, doesn't it?
19:43 - 19:53
That looks like the text should be going to fill out this 1981 to 2026. He died doing something clearly he loved because he's got a massive smile on his face.
19:54 - 20:00
And also, it's like the worst advert for hair plugs that I've foaled in. As you can see, he's recently had a hair transplant.
20:00 - 20:08
Yeah, but they bury you, right? And it's all very sad. But because the hair is in there, it's about to grow.
20:08 - 20:15
Like three months later, hair just starts to burst out of the ground. It's really, really beautiful.
20:15 - 20:20
It becomes like a garden of love, Pete. It's like an oak tree. There it is.
20:21 - 20:28
Brings everyone together. So, right. So, we've walked briskly to Euston. So, it's not too hot.
20:28 - 20:37
It's cold, I think, I imagine in London still. And maybe wet. So, when you get to Euston, which is the worst of all the stations, how are you feeling as you enter the station?
20:38 - 20:44
Nervous. Oh, okay. Because I've realised all the trains are so messed up, I was thinking, am I going to get a seat?
20:44 - 20:55
Yeah. Am I going to have to stand next to the toilet? Yes. I mean, gone are the days of being bought a ticket for first class where I got really excited for about four times.
20:55 - 20:59
And then I went, this is it now, Phil. And then when I see the prize, I go, I'm not doing it.
21:01 - 21:12
I'm paying that for a free biscuit. Also, at Euston, you have this sort of, of all the stations, I think it's the one where everyone is stood there going, when is the 936 to Manchester Piccadilly?
21:12 - 21:20
And suddenly it goes platform 13. And then sort of like, basically like an army of people, a sea of people like flow from the left to right.
21:20 - 21:23
And you can get caught up on it and end up in a city you don't want to end up in.
21:24 - 21:29
Do you have that? Or are you running to the train as it's leaving? My destination is usually a city I don't want to be in.
21:29 - 21:36
But it's coming home. Oh, no. Well, I don't know. I used to, I like, I like the confidence.
21:37 - 21:42
Are you the same? Like when you know you've got a seat and you can just like, you're almost like looking and go pathetic.
21:42 - 21:55
Look at you all, pathetic. I once had the first class experience. And what undermined it on the London to Manchester was they had given me a ticket for some TV business.
21:55 - 22:11
But the price of the ticket was on the ticket. And it was £360. And so I spent the whole journey thinking of what I could have done with that money if I just got a cheap regular fare.
22:12 - 22:16
And being perfectly happy in the other end of the train. I didn't fully enjoy the first class.
22:17 - 22:22
So I am therefore happy to be in the economy, Phil, like yourself. It is weird, isn't it?
22:22 - 22:26
Because you do, you start thinking, are you getting your money's worth? Because this could be the only time you experience it.
22:27 - 22:37
Yeah. So you keep asking for massages and stuff. From the coffee cart. From the guy trying to sell you a Ginster's pasty.
22:37 - 22:43
You say, can I just have neck and shoulders, please? 45 minutes. I just keep shouting, faster!
22:43 - 22:52
Tell him to go faster! I don't like waiting. Even if I've got a seat, I want to get there in the seat before someone else sits in the seat.
22:52 - 22:59
Because I can't bear the confrontation of going, I'm really sorry. I am coach D, seat 46.
22:59 - 23:03
That does get me anxious. I did it once. And I turfed a youth out.
23:04 - 23:09
So I felt confident. I was like these youths in the quiet coach. And I went, excuse me.
23:09 - 23:13
I went, that's actually my seat. And as soon as they went, oh, sorry. And they got out and I went, oh, no, it's not, is it?
23:16 - 23:21
They just got off the train. And they said, it's not for me. Looking at the tickets going, I don't think it is.
23:21 - 23:29
What's this guy's problem? Gorgeous hair, though. It will be soon, for sure. How do you spend the journey?
23:30 - 23:40
What interesting activities do you get up to? My mum for Christmas got me, because she knows I'm still a child, one of those handheld gaming consoles that are around.
23:40 - 23:45
Oh, yeah. So I've just been playing old Mega Drive games. Have you been playing Street Fighter?
23:46 - 23:52
No, I was never a Street Fighter person, really. Surely Sonic. I was a Sonic guy, yeah.
23:52 - 23:56
But I've been playing a bit of that. But you realise games have really moved on, haven't they?
23:58 - 24:06
They're playing Emlyn Hughes International Soccer on an Amstrad. You get a whole Amstrad out on the train, and nobody wants to play with you when you do that.
24:06 - 24:13
I was really struck by this with Christopher McArthur Boyd on, and he was playing a computer game.
24:13 - 24:22
And I naively asked, like, what happens in the computer game? And I thought it would be like, you're trying to blow up a baddie spaceship or whatever.
24:22 - 24:36
And he was like, the vibes on the planet Zorlock have reached Destination 16, and you must get a band of thieves together to steal the mood of the...
24:36 - 24:39
You know what I mean? I mean, they've got very complicated, is what I'm saying.
24:40 - 24:48
It's like when you play a game and you spend the first hour just, like, picking shoes and, you know, what hours you want to work at your job.
24:48 - 24:52
I can't be arsed with you. I want a work life balance on my computer game.
24:52 - 24:58
You're like, is this... You haven't eaten anything yet, Phil, as well. So do you don't get a snack before?
24:58 - 25:03
Do you get a snack at the Upper Crust at Euston, or are we getting all our breakfast from the...
25:03 - 25:09
I'm not paying those prices. No, normally I would go to Sainsbury's and buy bits in there.
25:09 - 25:14
But again, time was of the essence. I had to get a seat. So I was just...
25:14 - 25:22
I went without food. Plus, thanks to my chocolate stash, I had loads of galaxies I bought from Poundland in South Bend the night before.
25:22 - 25:31
Max, we are approaching James Buckley levels of confusing food. We had James Buckley on this podcast.
25:31 - 25:36
He drank two 500ml bottles of Stella. That was all he had till dinner time.
25:37 - 25:43
He had the biggest curry that anyone has ever ordered. And that just seemed to be his rego, really.
25:43 - 25:53
Is this your normal high-performance routine? No, not. I mean, if it's an evening train, sometimes I would go on with like a beer or something.
25:53 - 25:57
And then you find the seat without the window, so you don't see a reflection of yourself.
25:59 - 26:03
Realise you haven't got a bottle opener, you try and open a beer of Moretti on the back of a seat.
26:04 - 26:15
On the ear of a sleeping man beside you. Someone's dog's collar. Some people have like a bottle opener in their ear, like as a piercing.
26:15 - 26:20
So you'd be really lucky if you get one of those. So hang on. So it's a four-hour trip.
26:20 - 26:25
And how many Galaxy chocolate bars do you eat? I've got two in the front pocket of my bag.
26:25 - 26:31
I've got one in my inner breast pocket. Yeah. And I've got four strips of a Cadbury's Oreo.
26:31 - 26:38
Okay. And do you consume all of these during the journey? I consume most of the Oreo Cadbury's collab.
26:39 - 26:45
That's something that happened yesterday. The lowest point I've ever had in my life was yesterday, actually.
26:45 - 26:49
Oh, good. Okay. I can come back to that, though. But that just reminded me of it.
26:49 - 26:52
Oh, that's exciting. Something to look forward to. Okay. So do you eat the galaxies?
26:52 - 26:58
And do you have any liquid? I saved my liquid. I was weeing a lot yesterday.
26:58 - 27:02
Weeing loads. It doesn't seem like you should be. You should be weeing liquid chocolate at this stage.
27:02 - 27:09
It was blood. I was just weeing out all my organs. And do you play Mega Drive solid?
27:09 - 27:12
We're getting a train at what, about sort of nine? Nine o'clock train? Nine thirty?
27:12 - 27:21
No, because by the time I stopped scrolling, it was about ten. By the time I'd had a shower, stopped scrolling, I'm quite a slow starter to the day.
27:21 - 27:26
Yeah. An hour and a half past it, Hounds. It's really solid. When you're in a hurry.
27:26 - 27:31
I mean, they're slow as well. I mean, it's just like, come on, mate. Get down that slide.
27:32 - 27:47
These galaxies are burning a hole in my pocket over it. Max and I had this conversation recently about how on Diary of a CEO, they open it with these kind of teasers for the incredible inspirational stuff you're about to learn.
27:47 - 27:52
And that's, I think, the most important lesson I've learned in my life. And it goes boom, boom.
27:52 - 27:59
And this is why I killed my father. Boom, boom. This would be a tough episode to really do those trails from.
28:00 - 28:09
And then I had two galaxies and a cola Oreos. Boom, boom. But then it was the worst day of my life.
28:09 - 28:13
Oh, yeah. In fact, yeah, we do have a big moment coming up. OK, great.
28:14 - 28:21
This is like one of those cop shows where they've gone to check on someone's house and then they go, he just shows them opening a brief, like a suitcase.
28:22 - 28:27
He goes, no, it's just nothing in there. And then he goes boom and he zooms in and goes seepid.
28:28 - 28:36
You know there's nothing in it. So we eat chocolate, we don't drink anything, and we just play Sega Mega Drive games for the whole journey?
28:37 - 28:41
Not for the whole journey. I go to the toilet and I had a really horrible moment in the toilet.
28:41 - 28:51
I mean, that's what you get from a Diet of Galaxies. No liquids. It was the Avanti train where he has a slidey door.
28:51 - 28:55
Not the curved one, but the actual, like an old school sort of just slide across.
28:55 - 28:59
You know, like the Texas Chainsaw Massacre when he drags that guy in and pulls it across.
28:59 - 29:05
A manual. It's a manual. You've got a manual slidey slidey. Yeah, OK. And so I'm sat there and I've checked it.
29:05 - 29:10
It's got two green, like obviously for the lock, you can go two green vacant things.
29:10 - 29:18
It's obviously vacant, right? So I go in, lock it. Now that I assume goes to two red occupied colour things.
29:19 - 29:24
So I was mid trip and someone tries the door and I was like, well, they've not checked, but OK.
29:24 - 29:29
And then they try the door again. And I was like, well, come on. I mean, it's locked in it.
29:29 - 29:32
And you're right next to the door, aren't you? It's not like this is the other end of the door.
29:32 - 29:37
And then they tried again. And I went, well, this is ridiculous. Like surely at this point you go, probably someone in there.
29:38 - 29:44
Yeah. And then they tried again. So I probably wasn't in the best movie. So I went, hey, I said, maybe it's locked, you fucking idiot.
29:46 - 29:49
But then I realised they were just on the other side of this door. And I don't know who they are.
29:49 - 29:53
They could be absolutely massive. Or a sweet old lady, I hope. I mean, yeah, they could be that.
29:53 - 29:58
I was more concerned about my own. And I was like, oh, no. I thought that was an overreaction, Phil.
29:58 - 30:02
So I thought, well, I'll just wait it out because I'd be embarrassed if I was on the other side of the door.
30:02 - 30:10
So I'd probably move carriage. Anyway, they didn't. So I stayed in for ages, but I couldn't hear any movement.
30:10 - 30:14
So I was like, oh, I'm going to have to get out now. So I got out.
30:14 - 30:19
And also it had been leaking from the system. I thought, I bet they think I've done like some dirty protest to do.
30:19 - 30:26
Like weed everywhere. This is awful. Oh, it was horrible. And then it was just a young person who just obviously hadn't looked.
30:26 - 30:34
I mean, nothing happened actually at the end, but the whole stress before it. But then I went, wouldn't it be horrible if like this is the moment someone goes, oh, Phil Ellis.
30:34 - 30:41
I saw you show. You fucking idiot. There you go. Enjoy sitting in that place.
30:41 - 30:46
I've only ever had that once in my life, which was I was doing the festival in Melbourne.
30:46 - 30:58
I just on some morning radio and was getting driven back to the hotel. And the PR person who was driving, very nice lady, knocked over a cyclist.
30:59 - 31:04
And I jumped out of the car and she said, David had already, I'm coming to see you tonight.
31:04 - 31:13
Oh, wow. Yeah. And then she died. Her last words. Murder all of my audience members.
31:13 - 31:18
Yeah. Yeah. So not a Taskmaster fan then. And then I had to change at Stafford.
31:19 - 31:26
But I was thinking, oh, because, you know, now I've been on telly. You can't just shout you're a fucking idiot through a closed door.
31:27 - 31:34
Could be a fan. I like that you think, you know, before TV started, actually, it's the done thing.
31:34 - 31:42
It was actively encouraged in my household. You have to work here, so don't forget to call someone an absolute towering bag of shit.
31:44 - 31:50
Off you pop, son. But then I was in, I went to Starbucks and they'd run out of milk.
31:52 - 31:55
I know. You think. I went to KFC once and they'd run out of chicken.
31:55 - 32:02
I was like, fucking hell, I'm not looking at it. On the toilets, my friend Marco Donoghue tells a story.
32:02 - 32:08
And he was in Manchester and he was on a really, really busy commuter train.
32:08 - 32:14
Like one of these absolutely packed commuter trains. But he had a terrible stomach. And it was one of the curvy toilets.
32:14 - 32:21
The electric curvy one. So like he has to push his way through and like open the door and people are sort of falling in and whatever.
32:21 - 32:25
And he closes the door, locks the door. And like he obviously has a terrible experience in there.
32:25 - 32:31
Then he knows that everybody gets off at like the penultimate stop. So he's just going, okay.
32:31 - 32:37
So he sits on the train and he counts the stops and he knows. And the penultimate stop happens.
32:37 - 32:42
He's in the toilet the whole time. He's in the toilet and he's got like 15 minutes left of wherever he's got to get to.
32:42 - 32:46
I don't know who he's got to get to. And then so he goes, he counts the stops and he counts the stops.
32:46 - 32:51
But what he doesn't know is that the train has stopped outside a station for quite a long time.
32:52 - 32:59
So as he opens the door, literally people like, 15 people like fall into the toilet because there's just created some room.
32:59 - 33:05
And he has to kind of maneuver himself out far enough out that the door locks.
33:05 - 33:09
And obviously it's a terrible, what he brings with him is this aroma of death.
33:10 - 33:16
And he obviously has to kind of squeeze and stand next to everybody as this door slowly closes in front of them.
33:16 - 33:19
And then he has to wait for those. He just said it was the worst.
33:19 - 33:24
That was the worst 10 minutes of his entire existence. That is horrible, isn't it? That's the problem.
33:25 - 33:29
That's why I like the little slidey doors or the ones we open and shut in the corridor.
33:29 - 33:33
It feels like you can get in and out. It's not like you're revealing going, da-da!
33:34 - 33:47
It's not a blind date, is it? Yeah, yeah. It's sort of a stars in their eyes moment when the big, slightly curved door opens and you have to come out singing a Liza Minnelli song.
33:50 - 34:03
So Stafford, any crack in Stafford? Not really. No, I just went. The thing about the, like when you say, which I'm sure you guys have, which I've never experienced, is the, I did get recognized in the queue.
34:03 - 34:06
And I was like, I'm so glad I've got my fucking idiot thing because they didn't have any milk.
34:06 - 34:09
And I thought, do you know what, Phil? You've done you. You've called someone an idiot today.
34:10 - 34:13
You're fine. You've got it off your chest. So you've used up your quota, haven't you?
34:13 - 34:18
Yeah. But you see, then I noticed there was a jug on the side, which normally has milk in it.
34:19 - 34:25
Yeah. They went, we haven't got any milk. Sorry, we've only got oat milk. And now I know that's okay for some people, but I wouldn't be allowed back in Preston.
34:25 - 34:30
So I went, so I said, oh, is there milk in that milk jug over there?
34:30 - 34:33
And she went, oh yeah, there is. And I felt like going, you fucking idiot.
34:33 - 34:39
Call to me. Got milk over there. I just went, that's great. Okay, I'll use that.
34:39 - 34:48
And I was like, well done, Phil. Well done. It really does affect, I'm thinking about the menu of available items in Starbucks, if there is no milk.
34:49 - 34:55
So none of your frappes, none of your cappuccinos, none of your lattes. You know what I mean?
34:55 - 35:03
It's basically Americano or fuck off. And then, but they left like all the little things, this really nice looking pistachio latte.
35:03 - 35:05
And I was like, oh, I'd love that. And that would cheer me up today.
35:05 - 35:18
No, not today, Phil. Not today. No, you could, if you'd been in first class, have stolen loads of UHT milks and tried to sell them to the Stafford Starbucks.
35:18 - 35:23
But that would require Phil knowing that the Stafford Starbucks had no milk in advance, wouldn't it?
35:23 - 35:28
Which would have been tricky. Yeah. An odd use of your predictive powers. I would say.
35:28 - 35:32
You know. I think David's just saying you should always expect the worst of every encounter.
35:34 - 35:40
You can't make a whole cappuccino with UHT sat, like pods. That is the grimmest coffee of all the grimmest coffee.
35:40 - 35:43
So do you get a coffee then? Does she uses the jug and she makes it?
35:43 - 35:48
What's she make you? I just got an Americano and then I went to use that milk, the semi-skims.
35:48 - 35:55
But then two people in the queue looked and waved. So I was like, I'm so glad I didn't call you fuck it.
35:56 - 36:00
I was like, oh, that's a good lesson, Phil. Be a better person. They'll be like, I saw that Phil Ellis.
36:00 - 36:04
He's lovely. He's very nice to staff. Also, can find milk when there isn't any.
36:04 - 36:07
They'll be like, oh, that's good. Do not try a locked door when he's behind it.
36:08 - 36:16
That's what you could have done is gone to the toilet in Starbucks then. And from behind the closed door, just said, you fucking idiots not having any milk.
36:17 - 36:23
Then come back out. Wasn't we? We'll never know. Didn't wash his hands. Didn't hear that, right?
36:24 - 36:29
How long is the wait till the connecting train comes? It's not long, to be honest.
36:29 - 36:40
It was only like 30 minutes, maybe 25, 30 minutes. Is there an excitement with all the Mancunian people on the train that's not going to Piccadilly because it's shut in Manchester?
36:41 - 36:47
Well, some people were just like, we got out in Stafford just to get a bit of fresh air and some were like going, we might just stay here.
36:49 - 36:54
And some people just wandered off into the woods. Never to be seen again. Cleaving the cases.
36:55 - 37:10
Yeah. At the beginning of weapons, they all just ran off. Max, I have heard it said about Australia, about when there was £10 passage, people couldn't believe how long it took to get to Adelaide.
37:10 - 37:19
Like they were heading for Sydney and there was a stop in Adelaide. So a whole bunch of people who intended to go to Sydney were like, fuck it, this'll do.
37:20 - 37:35
And the theory that that has informed the mentality of the people of Adelaide. There were people who weren't bothered staying on a whatever one month boat for another three days to get around.
37:35 - 37:42
Every time they get a meal at a restaurant, every time they walk into a pub, whatever, it's just, this'll do.
37:42 - 37:50
And that's Stafford. That's in Stafford as well. Just you go to Nando's in Stafford and you just get a plate of chips and you're like, that's absolutely fine.
37:50 - 37:58
Yeah. No chicken. There's no milk. What's going on on the second train then, Phil?
37:58 - 38:05
Not a lot, really. The second train is quite boring. I got a bit annoyed because I saw a dog taking up a seat on a packed train.
38:06 - 38:13
Oh no. Yeah. Really small dog as well. I was just like, did it have an owner or was it just their nose in a book?
38:13 - 38:21
It was his on his laptop catching up on some work. To prepare for a meeting. Always leave it to the last minute.
38:23 - 38:31
It's watching a filthy dog's boning on it. That is not appropriate. Headphones have come out.
38:31 - 38:39
Didn't realize. Oh, it would be interesting if it was the Basset Hound and it was scrolling watching Phil Ellis.
38:43 - 38:52
Trying to get through doors. Struggling to get on a sofa. Do we have any galaxies on this one?
38:52 - 38:58
No, no. Because a couple. Oh, I should have done this really. I'm quite good on track.
38:58 - 39:02
I tried to be quite nice. Like I'll let people. Obviously I do the whole.
39:02 - 39:07
You can have that seat if you're over 46. That's me. That's me. There you go.
39:07 - 39:19
Pop your bot there. And I'll just loom over you whilst you travel. But this couple gone and they'd booked the seats, but they'd booked them both aisle seats next to each other.
39:19 - 39:25
And I was by the window, but it was just, it was the window without the window, you know, the bit in between the window.
39:26 - 39:29
And I thought, oh, I could get up and say, do you want to sit next to your partner?
39:29 - 39:36
And I thought, no. So I just sat next to the window. I just got angry about that dog.
39:36 - 39:43
I could just see the dog through the gap. I was going, get this fucking, get this asshole here, taking up a seat.
39:43 - 39:51
So are we getting off in Manchester or are you getting another connecting train? Well, no, because he's going to stop port because Manchester's closed.
39:51 - 39:55
So then I had to wait for a bus. But I thought, you know what, Phil, get yourself an Uber.
39:56 - 40:03
Yeah. The house is doing all right. Get an Uber. Then I sat on my phone again in the Uber because I didn't want to chat.
40:03 - 40:10
And I joined the Moomin's mailing list. Excuse me? As in the cartoon, the Norwegian.
40:10 - 40:17
Yeah, yeah. Is it Norwegian? Right. I think so. What prompted that? It just came up and I went, oh, I like the Moomins.
40:17 - 40:29
And he went, find out which Moomin you are. He's incredibly susceptible to clickbaits or whatever the internet tells him to do.
40:33 - 40:36
In HQ, they must be like, we've got one. Finally. They're like, come over here.
40:37 - 40:41
Someone's finally joined the mailing list. This one should we tell him he is. Oh, anyone.
40:42 - 40:45
He won't fucking know. Moomin Papa, by the way, in case you're wondering. Oh, yeah.
40:46 - 40:53
What are the Moomins? They look like little hippopotamuses. Is that fair? They're on two legs and they walked about.
40:53 - 40:59
Was it like plasticine? The original stop motion. Have you never seen it, David? It's terrifying.
40:59 - 41:05
But no, my question is, what do they do? Like, what's the struggle in the life of the Moomin?
41:05 - 41:09
What are they pushing against? Well, they love the laughter and they love the living.
41:09 - 41:15
The Moomins. Sharing and caring and caring and giving. The Moomins. They're always at laughter and always at play.
41:15 - 41:20
The Moomins are having fun day after day, David. The Moomins. The Moomins. The Moomins.
41:20 - 41:24
There's no, like, big ogre in the Moomins, I think. I think it's just. The Grok.
41:24 - 41:30
Oh, there is one. Yeah, that comes in and everything, it passes, dies. It's really great.
41:31 - 41:41
I really misremembered this. It's really bleak. There's one episode where the Moomins, it's getting to winter and they're all scared of the lady in the ice because if she looks at you, you die.
41:41 - 41:47
And then there's a squirrel who's really arrogant, apparently, because he's loving his tail. And they go, you should get in, squirrel.
41:47 - 41:51
He goes, I don't care. I've got a lovely big tail. And this is a genuine line from the kid.
41:51 - 41:55
He goes, he looked into the lady of the ice's eyes and she left him for dead.
41:56 - 42:01
Just kills the squirrel. And then they find him and they go, oh, no, the squirrel's dead.
42:02 - 42:06
And one of them goes, oh, don't worry. We'll give him a lovely funeral. And then they just put him on top of a horse.
42:06 - 42:11
Wow. You really do remember the Moomins. Like, you actually do. Like, it was worth you clicking.
42:11 - 42:14
Like, I thought it was an idle whatever I had in front of the Moomins.
42:15 - 42:19
But you actually really do remember the Moomins perhaps better than anyone else. It did pop up randomly.
42:20 - 42:23
I didn't, I wasn't in search of the Moomins, but I was like, yeah, I like the Moomins.
42:23 - 42:26
But do you want to hear the lowest point of my life that's ever happened?
42:26 - 42:38
Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Is it chronologically fit right now? Oh, yeah. Because I thought, oh, a lot of people keep messaging me going, do you want to do stuff on Instagram and you can have like the free hat?
42:38 - 42:43
So I thought, I don't know how long I can ride this wave of being slightly noticed.
42:43 - 42:51
So I said to the Moomins, this is so bleak. The Moomins sent me a message going, welcome to the Moomins family.
42:51 - 42:57
And I was like, oh no, thanks for having me. And then I went, hey, this is so pathetic.
42:57 - 43:07
I went, I'm always up for a collab. And then the Moomins absolutely like just went, yeah, that, good to know.
43:08 - 43:12
And then just fobbed it off. Good to know. And then sent me a picture of a top hat.
43:14 - 43:20
What sort of collab were you hoping to do with the Moomins? I don't, I've absolutely no idea.
43:21 - 43:29
There's a whole episode where it's, and Phil looked into the eyes of the ice queen and he died.
43:30 - 43:42
Moomin Papa was trying to gather nuts for the winter. But I don't remember the Moomins back in the day doing, you know, collabs with the top comedians with Jimmy Cricket or whatever.
43:42 - 43:50
When was Frank Carson on the Moomins? What's going on? I thought we might have a band like the Wombles, you know, like in Glastonbury.
43:52 - 43:59
Wow. That's great. I don't know what I expected them to respond with. It was so pathetic.
44:00 - 44:03
Are they still a going concert? Like, what are they doing these days? Like, they're not.
44:03 - 44:07
Got a theme park. Are they? Got a theme park to run, yeah. Where are they big?
44:08 - 44:14
It's quite a popular theme park, apparently. If you go into Oxfam, they've always got like, you know, a calendar with the Moomins on.
44:14 - 44:20
Moomin World is a theme park based on the Moomin books by Finnish writer Tove Janssen.
44:20 - 44:27
It is on the island of Kalo next to the town of Nantali in southwest Finland.
44:27 - 44:31
Yeah. That's where you've got to go for your collabs. There's one in Japan too, so.
44:31 - 44:36
Oh, well, I'd like to go to Japan. I've never been. So if you want to collab Moomins, want me to?
44:38 - 44:43
I'm looking, one particular picture of a Moomin has come up, and it is one where the Moomin is looking upwards.
44:44 - 44:48
And with the grace of respect, he or she looks a bit like a butt plug.
44:49 - 45:01
So maybe that's the sort of collab. David, I have to stop you. Interruption. I don't think you can use the words with the greatest respect and then describe anything, even fictional, as looking like a butt plug.
45:02 - 45:14
With the greatest respect, get in my arms. So we've taken the Uber back home.
45:14 - 45:22
What time are we now? We're about to... You must be starving. You must be absolutely starving.
45:22 - 45:29
Oh, I'm famished. Famished. Hungry. Hungry for some Moomin action. If you listen in, Papa.
45:33 - 45:39
Sorry, Phil, have you ever asked another... You haven't approached the flumps for a collab.
45:40 - 45:45
It's just the Moomin. Draw the line there. Okay, fine. Draw the line. I'd consider a womble.
45:46 - 45:55
Pinguy. Pinguy? Pingu. Pinguy. Oh, Pingu. Sorry. Sorry. I've mixed Pingu with the chocolate bar Kinder Pinguy.
45:55 - 46:00
So that's what happened there. Yeah, yeah. Pinguy. Yeah, Pinguy. Be all right. Very aggressive, though.
46:00 - 46:03
I always find them a bit... Phil, what are you going to do with Pinguy?
46:03 - 46:08
Like, what's the code? What's the possible... The lab is ours. They're all going to flump straight up the butt.
46:09 - 46:17
Pinguy. Join the flumps and the Moomins. Maybe the Moomins knew this. Oh, another comedian wants to shove us up his ass.
46:17 - 46:25
Oh, no. Here we go. Hugh, Pugh, Barney McGrew, Cuthbert Dibble Group. They all go.
46:25 - 46:39
I'm full. No more collabs. Phil's really misinterpreted what a collab means. He just thinks, whatever it is, up she goes.
46:43 - 46:55
Do we get a free iPad after this? So do we do the nice kind of just breathe out, relax, we're home?
46:59 - 47:03
I'm only home for like two days. I thought, right, let's get that wash on.
47:03 - 47:07
Okay, here we go. This is good stuff. Okay. Are we washing everything? And what temperature, please?
47:08 - 47:14
And what spin cycle? 40 degrees eco. It's a long one. Nice. It's a two and a half hour wash?
47:14 - 47:18
No, that's all right. The eco, it's the normal 40. We're talking two and a half, three hours.
47:19 - 47:29
Eco, we come in about 1.21. Not a good day. Do we use softener or do we just go straight in?
47:29 - 47:39
Is it liquid or pods? Liquid. Liquid, no softener. Do we put the liquid into a little vestibule and place it inside the machine or pour it into the drawer?
47:40 - 47:47
I'm a drawer guy. I always feel sorry for the drawer. The fear with the drawer, though, is you pick the one section of the drawer where nothing happens.
47:48 - 47:54
You know what I mean? And after the wash, you look in the drawer and all of the goo is still just sitting there.
47:54 - 48:00
Yeah. No, that has happened before. But I'm pretty up to, I know what's going on with this guy.
48:00 - 48:06
You're really on it. Okay, you're focused. So while the wash is happening, surely you eat something that isn't a chocolate bar?
48:07 - 48:13
Well, now I've saved up all those points. Of course, yeah. Because I haven't actually had a chance to eat any galaxies.
48:13 - 48:17
They're just there and I've not touched them. I went, I'd started to open the Oreo.
48:17 - 48:21
Oh, yeah. Because there was a bit left. I'd forced it. And I thought, no, do you know what, actually, Phil?
48:21 - 48:28
I did have one line, but I just had a line. That's why I don't eat.
48:31 - 48:34
And then I get, I think, oh, I know. I've saved up all those points.
48:34 - 48:39
I don't know what points means, but like, I'll order a kebab. Oh, a delivery kebab?
48:39 - 48:46
At four o'clock. So what are we having? Are we having large donna? I've gone for special, all mixed.
48:46 - 48:51
Great. Deli Darbar. I've got a big shout out to Deli Darbar. Have you listened?
48:51 - 48:56
This podcast is brought to you by Deli Darbar. A collab. Collab. Come she goes.
48:57 - 49:04
A collab kebab. Oh, no, that's a terrible word. Collab. It works. Do we get sides with it?
49:04 - 49:11
No. I even, I said, no salad. Don't you fucking dare. No salad. Just garlic sauce.
49:11 - 49:16
No packaging either. Just push it through the letterbox. I'll just eye my mouth open.
49:16 - 49:25
My hearts will be ready to receive. So this is just bitter bread and all the meats and garlic sauce.
49:25 - 49:29
No salad. I went for garlic naan bread. And then just all the meats and garlic sauce.
49:30 - 49:34
I used to be scared of sauce, but now I can have garlic sauce. Yeah, I was scared of sauce.
49:35 - 49:40
Yeah. When did you get over your fear of sauce? Again, I think it was, in fact, Ewing's.
49:40 - 49:47
I used to stay at Matt Ewing's house in London, and we'd usually been out back when I used to have a gad and everyone in Finsbury Park.
49:47 - 49:54
And then I'd go to the kebab shop. And once I went, oh, I like the smell of garlic, but I don't like mayonnaise.
49:54 - 49:57
Anyway, I tried a bit on the side. I was like, oh, this is exciting.
49:57 - 50:00
Oh, yeah. You have to have sauce on a kebab. Yeah. All the things. Gateway.
50:01 - 50:04
Yeah, it was. And then eventually I got to the point where I put it on the kebab.
50:04 - 50:10
I didn't just dip it in. What a journey. So thanks, Matt. Thanks for that, mate.
50:10 - 50:15
Thanks, Matt Ewing. What do we do? Do you dress out of your work clothes?
50:15 - 50:23
Because I'm imagining you've been gigging in London. You have a sort of Elvis type suit on, you know, with flares and diamonds down the seams.
50:24 - 50:30
And you hang that back in the wardrobe and just put on a, I don't know, a little onesie.
50:30 - 50:36
Make sure the sequins are present and correct. And I pop it back in its little polythene bag.
50:37 - 50:41
And yeah, just straight into my moving pajamas. Sorry, there is. Always up for a collab.
50:42 - 50:49
There is something even funnier about a man in sequence in the bathroom on the train.
50:50 - 50:56
You fucking leave me alone. Just some poor student who just wants to have a wee.
50:58 - 51:03
So are we decompressing for the evening now? Do you feel like I'm in for it?
51:03 - 51:08
Yeah, because I just go. I've been away from home for about a week and I thought I'm all, I've got a nice night.
51:09 - 51:13
I'm all on my own. I can have a kebab and sit here in my comfy pants.
51:13 - 51:19
Great. And I've started getting into dressing gowns. Yeah. With my own. Not just. Oh.
51:19 - 51:29
So I put that on and I put on Salem's Lot, the 1979 miniseries. Do you eat the kebab in the dressing gown?
51:29 - 51:34
Yeah. Oh, I opened it up at one point because it was getting a bit hot, you know.
51:34 - 51:39
Well, you opened the dressing gown. So you're open. Is there nothing there? Is it just, is the kebab?
51:39 - 51:43
And then do you have pants on? Do you want me to say this slower for you?
51:44 - 51:47
Are you all right? Is that why you turned the video off on this call?
51:49 - 51:56
Tell me more. What are you wearing? Look, what we want to know is does garlic mayo get on your wang?
51:56 - 51:59
No, but that was a fear of the dressing gown. So that's why I opened it.
51:59 - 52:03
And I thought, I don't mind if it goes on this jumper. Right. Okay. Okay.
52:03 - 52:08
But the house is freezing as well because I've been in it for days and I put the heating on.
52:08 - 52:11
So I thought I need a jumper and a dressing gown. But yeah, that's it.
52:12 - 52:23
The dressing gown's open. I'm eating the kebab. Salem's Lot is terrifying. I vaguely, I'm aware of what that series looks like, but I've never seen it.
52:23 - 52:30
It's sort of like slow Spielberg-y tracking shots. And it's all happy during the day.
52:30 - 52:35
And then things start to go sinister at night. Is that the vibe? It's the Stephen Kimber.
52:35 - 52:39
It's done by Toby Hooper. He did a Texas Chainsaw Massacre. We talked about. We mentioned that earlier.
52:40 - 52:47
Yeah. It's just like, it's really controlled for him. But like it is all those tracking shots because then he did Poltergeist with Spielberg not long.
52:47 - 52:52
Well, a bit after this. And that's very Spielberg as well, isn't it? But I thought the same when I was watching.
52:52 - 52:56
I was going, oh, it is a bit Spielberg. And then it goes to nighttime and it's horrific.
52:57 - 53:05
I don't know much about it, but I'm just looking at there's a sort of pretty terrifying chap who's bald with big pointy ears.
53:06 - 53:12
And yes, he's clearly not got enough work to get a free hair transplant. Well, he might be in the two week stage.
53:12 - 53:16
Can we just please give a bit of a look? That's true. He's got very weird teeth.
53:16 - 53:21
So I presume he's, you don't want to be near this guy. He needs to go to Turkey.
53:21 - 53:30
He needs to get his teeth done, his hair done. He really does. Interestingly, the Moomins have all got hair transplants, but they're all stuck in that two week period as well.
53:31 - 53:39
They're about to be absolutely terrifying when they become just full hairballs. There is a hairy moobin'.
53:42 - 53:47
I can't remember his name now. There's a hairy moobin'. Might you check it out?
53:47 - 53:51
So is this a movie or a mini? How many episodes? Do you watch all of it?
53:51 - 53:55
I don't know how long Salem's Lot is. I've still got the last bit to watch.
53:55 - 53:59
It's about three and a half hours. Right. And what's the sort of premise of it?
54:00 - 54:05
There's a place called Salem's Lot. A vampire moves in. Charles Mason looks after me.
54:05 - 54:13
He goes, would you like to see my vampire? And they're all like, no. In fact, we wish he hadn't come here.
54:14 - 54:20
And they say, oh, I can only apologise. And then he starts picking them off one by one.
54:20 - 54:24
How many episodes do we do? I think there's four, but I watched about three episodes.
54:25 - 54:29
So are you scared or just... Oh, yeah, good question. How did it make you feel?
54:29 - 54:35
I'm not as scared because I just finished reading the book. So I kind of knew what was going to happen.
54:35 - 54:39
So instead of being scared, I was going, actually, it's a bit different in the book.
54:41 - 54:46
But there's no one to listen to me being pretentious about the Stephen King book from four years ago.
54:47 - 54:54
I think she was actually called Susan in the book, but whatever. Thanks, Hollywood. Is the book better than the series?
54:54 - 55:05
Yeah, it's bloody long, though. It's 600 pages. The series is quite long, really. But yeah, no, I'd say always go for something that's not a book.
55:06 - 55:14
Oh, interesting. Interesting. I've got so many books I just carry around with me. I'm like, finally.
55:14 - 55:19
Now I've stopped going out after shows and that. I can just go back and read this book.
55:19 - 55:24
And before you know it, Basset Hound on a swing. Oh, yeah. Basset Hound. Yeah.
55:24 - 55:29
Sat on a sofa. Books sat there. Phil, how long have you been after booze?
55:30 - 55:37
About seven, eight weeks. Because I just wanted to focus on the tour. And I thought, you get into bad habits, don't you?
55:38 - 55:44
Well, it's very easy. Especially some venues will leave like six cans of beer backstage or whatever.
55:44 - 55:54
And because you've been brought up as someone to consume things that are given to you as treats, you then end up a dreadful alcoholic after 18 months.
55:55 - 55:59
Well, that was, I think, because I've been over December. I was only home for about four days.
56:00 - 56:04
I think four or five days in the month. And I just went, oh, my God, I think I've been out every night.
56:04 - 56:09
Yeah. I don't think I'm going to say this is me goodbye forever. But I thought I want a nice little break from it.
56:09 - 56:15
And just do the tour and focus on that. And then hopefully come back and go, oh, I can have one tonight.
56:15 - 56:21
And before you know it, yeah. Let's send you messages to the Moomins at 3 a.m.
56:21 - 56:26
What is your fucking problem? I don't want to collab with you if you're last fucking Moomin on Earth.
56:27 - 56:33
You, the hairy one, you fucking prick. Whatever your name is. I hope it all falls out of you.
56:35 - 56:44
So we're up to about nine now after three eps of that. It's a bit later because I've been messing about on and off.
56:44 - 56:50
I FaceTimed my mum and dad. Oh, great. Yeah. So I saw the top of my mum's forehead for about 10 minutes.
56:51 - 56:59
My dad's left here. Do you know what? I've started because I have two young children, Phil, who are three and a half and one, but a three and a half year old, Ian.
57:00 - 57:04
He now plays magic with my parents because I'm in Australia and they're in Cambridge.
57:05 - 57:09
What I do is I'm like, I say, have you got a fork? And then I go one, two, three.
57:09 - 57:13
And I push the fork to the screen and then my dad has a fork.
57:13 - 57:21
And actually it's turned what we're absolutely terrible of is like my dad's forehead and my mum talking about, you know, the livesies at number 21 and nothing happening.
57:22 - 57:29
And my kids just running around. Now everyone's focused on the magic. And sometimes I'm like, oh, I've got a teabag and my parents can't be arsed to get off the sofa.
57:29 - 57:34
So I do a teabag and they bring out a tomato. Before you know it, dad's balls are out.
57:40 - 57:46
My dad's doing a collab. And I'm like, no, thanks, dad. He's only three and a half.
57:47 - 57:56
This is not on. The fear is, though, that the next time Ian meets the grandparents, he's like, he's been saying to his little brother, wait till you meet them.
57:56 - 58:06
They are actually magic. And then they're just two kindly boring old people. Hatin's on full.
58:08 - 58:15
Not that magic. Sweating all that. But even better if they've, while I've been away and, you know, they've turned into Penn and Teller.
58:16 - 58:21
And actually my parents are now doing like selling out the palladium, doing like real weird magic.
58:21 - 58:33
Your dad won't talk to your mum. Exactly. Okay. So we're after 10 then. Is there any more action in this day, Phil?
58:34 - 58:38
Not really. I'm sort of winding down. It's been quite a hectic day. So, yeah.
58:38 - 58:44
So I'm sort of thinking, should I go to bed? But then I think, well, I might see if there's any been an update on Fortnite whilst I've been away.
58:44 - 58:49
The online game. So I pop on there for a bit. Have a game on that.
58:49 - 58:57
Any new dances? All I know about Fortnite is various dances have come from Fortnite into the real world.
58:57 - 59:04
Yeah. And vice versa. You know, you can, if there's a craze out there. I mean, I remember when Floss first came to Fortnite.
59:04 - 59:09
Oh, my God. Floss came from us. Does that mean you have to, this is not like Wii Tennis.
59:09 - 59:16
You don't have to floss in front of them. No. Right. Okay. You just go to a moat and you can watch Michael Myers from Halloween do the floss.
59:17 - 59:22
Have there been any Fortnite updates? Not really. Not really. I just changed my character.
59:22 - 59:26
I went to Ash from Evil Dead. Phil, I'm pretty sure what Max thought was happening there.
59:26 - 59:37
Because some of modern culture passes by. And so he thought floss was an actual like flossing type of a thing.
59:37 - 59:43
I know what you were thinking. In the same way that with the Wii Tennis, there's a little plastic tennis racket.
59:43 - 59:50
And Wii Golf, there's a little plastic golf clip. But Wii Floss, there is a strip of thread.
59:52 - 1:00:01
You virtually floss yourself. Wii earbuds are good as well. Yeah. They're really fun. A lot of great hygiene stuff here.
1:00:02 - 1:00:12
My avatar is spotless. You stink. Do some Fortnite. What do we do then? I try to get ready for bed.
1:00:12 - 1:00:16
But then I think, oh, I might drink tea in bed. So I make a flask of tea.
1:00:17 - 1:00:25
Wow. Flask. Yeah. I've got a little thermos. Is it really cold? Is this how cold it is?
1:00:25 - 1:00:29
I like to have all the windows open in case. Because he wants to collab.
1:00:31 - 1:00:34
That's a lot of tea in a third. Like just before you go to bed.
1:00:34 - 1:00:38
Oh, I'm getting up for wheeze all the time. Yeah. And is it, are you having builder's tea?
1:00:38 - 1:00:41
What tea are we having? Yeah. Just normal sort of breakfast tea, whatever you call it.
1:00:41 - 1:00:48
Yeah. That would have really undermined us. If it feels whole vibe. If we really push him on us.
1:00:48 - 1:01:00
And it's like mango and licorice. Just drink coal. Do you sit in bed and drink the whole flask of tea?
1:01:00 - 1:01:07
Sometimes. Sometimes, you know, I just go, no, now's the time for sleep, Phil. You leave that flask and just pour it down the sink.
1:01:08 - 1:01:12
So yesterday, how much of the flask do we consume? I absolutely finished it off.
1:01:12 - 1:01:15
Yeah. It's been a long day. Just down the hatch. Yeah. Here we go. Down in one.
1:01:16 - 1:01:20
And then I put on some videos of deadliest catch. Oh, yeah. On YouTube, yeah.
1:01:21 - 1:01:27
I'm really leaning into my middle age. Hang on. Deadliest catch. Oh, no. That's the one where they're trying to catch crabs.
1:01:27 - 1:01:34
It's fishing in. Crabs. But it's not the one where they're trying to get 10 foot pike out of rivers in the Amazon.
1:01:34 - 1:01:37
That's a different one. Oh, no. I want to check that one. Have you ever seen?
1:01:37 - 1:01:44
That's River Monsters, right? This is an amazing show where it's a man says, I've heard of the great Baluba.
1:01:44 - 1:01:49
Yeah. And it once maybe killed a villager in the 1800s. And then he goes along to these people.
1:01:49 - 1:01:53
And then it just says it was probably a catfish. And he probably just fell in pissed.
1:01:53 - 1:01:57
And at the end of every episode, but he's always searching for these things that don't exist.
1:01:57 - 1:02:05
He's taking his all for a ride, but it's a really entertaining one. But yeah, deadliest catch is just, you're going, that is not a job I want to do.
1:02:06 - 1:02:10
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I thought, because I started watching it because I thought, do you know what, Phil?
1:02:10 - 1:02:15
My dream is to do a little bit more, you know, comedy. Yeah. And all that.
1:02:15 - 1:02:17
That's everyone's dream when they come and say, we should do a bit more comedy.
1:02:19 - 1:02:25
We make these tickets worth it. And then just go and become a fisherman. But not that type of.
1:02:26 - 1:02:28
Oh, no. You don't want to go. Yeah, I watched it. And then I went, oh, no, no, not up for that.
1:02:29 - 1:02:35
So I've changed my mind. I'm going to stick with comedy. You shouldn't confuse it with deadliest crash, which is the show.
1:02:38 - 1:02:46
From nine o'clock till about four o'clock. Yeah. That's an awful. Putting him in nets.
1:02:48 - 1:02:52
Chain smoking next to him. So we're watching a bit of that. We're knocking back the tea.
1:02:52 - 1:03:04
How do you get to sleep? How do you unwind from this epic day? Well, now I just go, oh, I'm glad I don't have to sleep upright to keep my beautiful new hair in, which will be around anytime soon.
1:03:04 - 1:03:14
Do you find yourself, you know, the way when you got, when you were like 12 and got a sort of blade for the first time, like a short hair at the back.
1:03:14 - 1:03:22
And you spent a lot of your time in school just touching where the new hair was growing back through the back of your head.
1:03:22 - 1:03:27
Do you find yourself touching the top of your head? Or have you been told you're not allowed to do that?
1:03:27 - 1:03:31
Well, I can now, but I'm still a bit wary. I do find I'm touching.
1:03:31 - 1:03:36
I touch it very gently just to go, oh. Is it coming? Do you feel it coming?
1:03:36 - 1:03:46
I can feel something's happening. Yeah. If we stayed, if we stayed long enough on this call, it would be a long episode, like a three month episode.
1:03:46 - 1:03:53
And then you turn your video back on and it would be like, poof. Do you remember the Beauty and the Beast series in the 80s?
1:03:54 - 1:04:03
Yeah. Yeah. Like that. Hang on. That was where there was a guy like Fabio who was the prince in it.
1:04:03 - 1:04:08
A very beautiful man. Yeah. But do you know who it is? And it took me years to figure out.
1:04:08 - 1:04:17
Ron Perlman. Is it Ron Perlman? Wow. Because he looks gorgeous as a beast. And then when he takes off his beast outfit, it's Ron Perlman.
1:04:17 - 1:04:23
That was the picture that you took to the people at the hair transplant clinic.
1:04:24 - 1:04:29
Do you know what, David? I did take a picture and it's really embarrassing. A purple and gold suit.
1:04:29 - 1:04:35
This is what I want. I did take a picture and it was fucking horrible.
1:04:35 - 1:04:39
Of your dream hair. I think I'd treat it like I was going for a haircut.
1:04:40 - 1:04:47
That's okay. All right. So my point was, I said, I'd like to keep my receding hairline and just fill it out.
1:04:47 - 1:04:51
Yeah. And then no one could understand why I wanted to do that. I said, well, bring it.
1:04:52 - 1:04:56
I said, I'll just bring it down a little bit. But I've always quite liked having a pointy hairline.
1:04:56 - 1:04:59
It never really bothered me. But the guy went, look, it is going to go in about two years.
1:04:59 - 1:05:02
I went, oh yeah, I don't want the horseshoe. So I'll just fill it out.
1:05:03 - 1:05:07
This comedian, Kai Humphries, went, that's like someone going, oh, mate, your flies are undone.
1:05:07 - 1:05:12
And you go, oh, thanks, mate. And then you do them halfway up. He said, just get it all done.
1:05:13 - 1:05:18
Who's the famous person who's slightly receding? Who you could take a photo of? Richard E. Grant.
1:05:18 - 1:05:22
Oh, well, that would have been a good one. I took him. Jude Law. I took him Jude Law, yeah.
1:05:23 - 1:05:28
Yeah. And do you know what he said? He went, this is a very different man.
1:05:32 - 1:05:39
It's worse when the Moomins told me to fuck up. That's an amazing guest, David.
1:05:39 - 1:05:44
You've done very well there. That was brilliant. Yeah, spot on. You know, I'm losing a bit.
1:05:44 - 1:05:48
So maybe I have just been looking at these idols. I'm not going to do anything about it.
1:05:49 - 1:05:56
Richard E. Grant is a good one there. Where, like, even in With Nail and I, you can see he's sort of losing a bit of hair.
1:05:57 - 1:06:04
But it's still cool. It's cool. Well, that was it. Like, the only thing about Taskmaster, they have cameras at every angle.
1:06:04 - 1:06:07
And I was there going, oh, I didn't realize it was that thin on top.
1:06:07 - 1:06:13
And then, basically, the only things that got offered for free was someone went, do you want a personal trainer?
1:06:13 - 1:06:18
And I was like, no, I thought I looked all right. Then someone offered me, like, some free shoes.
1:06:18 - 1:06:22
I was like, I thought I wore quite nice shoes. And someone went, yeah, do you want your hair done?
1:06:22 - 1:06:25
I was like, do I just look like crap? Is it just saying like, so you're telling me I look like shit?
1:06:26 - 1:06:37
Can we help? Phil, do you want elocution lessons? And some counselling as well, because you seem like a broken man, but we can't even understand what you're saying.
1:06:39 - 1:06:50
And we're just guessing, but you probably stink as well. Just a guess. What time do we fall asleep here, Phil?
1:06:50 - 1:07:02
Oh, quite late. I'm sat watching videos until about 2 a.m. And do you fall asleep mid-video or do you use a CIA technique to get to sleep?
1:07:02 - 1:07:07
No, what's the CIA technique? Who was telling us about this recently? It was Mary Elaine.
1:07:08 - 1:07:12
Mary Elaine Robertson said. She was saying, and I've been trying this actually ever since she said it.
1:07:12 - 1:07:19
Does it work? She said it worked every time, and that is not true. You breathe in slowly for five seconds.
1:07:20 - 1:07:24
You hold your breath for five seconds. You exhale for five seconds. You do that five times.
1:07:24 - 1:07:33
And then you count to 20. But as you count really slowly, you imagine the numbers appearing like one, like the number one, then two.
1:07:33 - 1:07:38
Like Sesame Street. Yeah. She's never got beyond 13. But I have got to 20 and gone, I'm still awake here.
1:07:39 - 1:07:42
So I can't be in the CIA. I think it's what I learned from this.
1:07:43 - 1:07:56
Yeah. Why are they sleeping? They always be awake, ready for action. If you go to the CIA offices, they're all just having nams all the time because someone has mistakenly counted to five.
1:07:58 - 1:08:08
Put the gun down in one, two, three. Hammer in. Ocean's 11 just counting down the tunnel.
1:08:10 - 1:08:16
Thanks for telling us what you did. Yesterday. It was a pleasure. Thank you for letting me tell you.
1:08:16 - 1:08:22
And if you ever want a colab, you know where I am. On a toilet having shit.
1:08:34 - 1:08:37
So I don't know where you want to start, David. I want to start with the Moomin collab.
1:08:38 - 1:08:43
Yeah, it's the Moomin collab. That's what it is. And I did ask, and he didn't know.
1:08:43 - 1:08:48
I don't understand what the collab is going to be. I can't understand. What's the end?
1:08:49 - 1:08:53
What's the end game here? From my knowledge of the Moomins, which is not as good as his.
1:08:54 - 1:09:01
He's a fan of the Moomins. He knows more about the Moomins. But there's an episode of the A-Team with Boy George and Culture Club.
1:09:01 - 1:09:17
Okay. Or Mr. T's like, Culture Club's cool. Yeah. So maybe that's the dream then, is that one of Britain's most unique comedians just appears in an episode of the Moomins.
1:09:17 - 1:09:22
There is the Harry Moomin. If you want to terrify yourself, just look that up.
1:09:22 - 1:09:26
I did like you saying, with all due respect, that Moomin looks like a butt plug.
1:09:27 - 1:09:34
I reaffirm, having thought about it, you cannot preface someone looks like a butt plug with all due respect.
1:09:34 - 1:09:50
I don't believe that gets you out of that hole. The other thing that I love about this episode, so especially our tropical listeners and those in the Southern Hemisphere, we're having a really grim weather of time here.
1:09:50 - 1:10:12
And it's rained for like 40 days on the trough or something. And the idea of just coming back from a rail replacement bus, getting a decadent Uber, ordering a 4 p.m. kebab, shutting the curtains and watching a horror series from the 70s is probably the correct thing to do.
1:10:13 - 1:10:18
It's the bleakest day. It's the bleakest day we've got. Christopher McCarthy Boyd was close.
1:10:18 - 1:10:34
It didn't at the time feel like a bleak day. But when you boil it down to, you had to get off at a staff at a neon and he just played Sega Mega Drive on that, called someone to get to a toilet door and then ordered a kebab.
1:10:37 - 1:10:43
He doesn't have to sleep upright anymore. There is that. As he stays up scrolling till 1.30.
1:10:44 - 1:10:49
I loved it. I loved him and I loved it. So much truth to it.
1:10:50 - 1:10:56
So if you love Phil Ellis like we do, please go to philelliscomedy.com and find out where he's performing and go and see him.
1:10:57 - 1:11:01
And somebody please go and see him in about three months time and tell him if he's got some hair as well.
1:11:04 - 1:11:09
If you would like to get in touch with our little podcast, this is how.
1:11:11 - 1:11:17
To get in touch with the show, you can email us at whatdidyoudoyestidaypod at gmail.com.
1:11:17 - 1:11:24
Follow us on Instagram at yesterdaypod. And please subscribe and leave a review if you liked it on your preferred podcast platform.
1:11:24 - 1:11:36
And if you didn't, please don't. Thank you, David. I'm in it for life. And if nothing has reaffirmed my desire to be in it for life, it's Phil Ellis' yesterday.
1:11:36 - 1:11:47
Yes. And if the question is, is everything showbiz? That episode was showbiz. So yes, everything is showbiz.
1:11:48 - 1:11:57
Bye, Max. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.