0:06 - 0:29
Podcasts, there are millions of them. Some might say, too many. I have one already. I don't have any, because there are enough. Politics, business, sport, you name it, there's a podcast about it, and they all ask the big questions and cover the hot topics of the day. But nobody is covering the most important topic of all. Why is that? Are they scared? Too afraid of being censored by the man?
0:30 - 0:36
Possibly, but not us. We're here to ask the only question that matters. We try and say it at the same time, Max.
0:36 - 0:44
What did you do yesterday? What did you do yesterday? That's it. All we're interested in is what the guests got up to yesterday. Nothing more.
0:44 - 0:55
Day before yesterday, Max? Nope. The greatest and most interesting day of your life? Unless it was yesterday, we don't want to know about it. I'm Max Rushden. And I'm David O'Doherty.
0:55 - 1:09
Welcome to What Did You Do Yesterday? Hello, and welcome to today's episode of What Did You Do Yesterday? I'm Max Rushden. Alongside me today is Irish comedian David O'Doherty. Welcome, David.
1:09 - 1:14
This is not one of your bookings, Max. No, for the first time.
1:14 - 1:28
This is Ferb Brady, who I think I, I mean, I'm not going to say I have hassled the most to come on this. I just, I know she is so perfect and her brain is so utterly perfect for this podcast.
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I really want her to come on. And then when I looked at the WhatsApp, the last 10 messages I've had with her, it's just been, because I have done my trick a few times with her where we have no guest for tomorrow.
1:42 - 1:49
Ah, right. Can you do 10 o'clock tomorrow? In Capitals. Yeah, you're doing Capitals. Yes, I do say it in Capitals. I think that could be a problem.
1:50 - 1:54
I think it is disarming. That's what I'm trying with Hugh Grant. As yet, no success.
1:54 - 2:16
So Ferb Brady, I would say one of the really great standup comedians of our time. People may know her from her autobiography, Strong Female Character, that as we get to in the episode, won one of the biggest prizes for an autobiography.
2:16 - 2:26
She has just started a new podcast with Alison Spittle called Ignore That Feeling with Alison and Fern.
2:27 - 2:39
For completists, if you want to listen to an old episode of What Judy Yesterday, Alison Spittle's episode begins in the house where we are now.
2:39 - 2:52
Yes. And if you remember the tap chat, you'll remember the tap chat. And actually, we may be shown the tap in the episode, but we bring that to life in audio form for you.
2:53 - 3:08
This is what Ferb Brady did yesterday. Ferb Brady, welcome to What Did You Do Yesterday?
3:08 - 3:22
Oh, hello. Just for the listeners, Fern has just inquired as to whether there's any incriminating books behind her on the bookshelf, such as maybe a list of enemies book. You know what I mean?
3:23 - 3:29
I didn't know I had this. This is called Let's Preserve It. Recipes for Making Jams, Jellies and Chutneys.
3:30 - 3:37
The first sign of a serial killer. Yeah. I think Alison Spittle got me that out of a charity shop.
3:38 - 3:47
For Christmas. If this was solely for an Irish audience, that would be described as the most Protestant book it is possible to own.
3:47 - 3:59
Because they like jam? Yeah, they bloody love jam. It's one of the giveaways. I'm so Catholic and I grew up making a ton of jam, but we didn't need a book. It was intuitive.
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Did you keep your toaster in the cupboard or out on the counter? Out on the counter.
4:05 - 4:12
Well, that's Catholic, so that balances up. Is it? Yeah. My dad said that Catholics never do their gardens. Is that true?
4:14 - 4:22
There's never been a Catholic gardener? Ever? I'm in the middle of getting my garden done, but he used to say Catholics aren't meant to have nice gardens.
4:22 - 4:30
Sort of rewilding. That's what they... I think it's because we spent Sundays at church and that was his excuse for not gardening after.
4:30 - 4:37
Well, you can always tell when Celtic play Rangers, you can tell if it's in the Celtic ground or the Rangers ground.
4:37 - 4:43
Because the Rangers ground, it's all beautiful flowers around the pitch. And the Celtic ground is just no one's cut the grass for months.
4:44 - 4:52
It's good because we wanted to move this podcast into sectarian gardening. And so to finally be able to do that, it's great.
4:53 - 4:59
Fern, when did you wake up yesterday morning, please? Oh, early at like half seven.
5:00 - 5:06
You call that early? I call that a massive lion. But that's... Oh, do you have children or something?
5:06 - 5:15
I do. I maybe have two, too many. That is what I would say. I mean, when I wake up at half seven, I feel like I'm on the idea of a CEO or something.
5:15 - 5:23
And I just feel so productive because the cleaner comes at eight. She only comes every two weeks, so I'm not fancy.
5:23 - 5:30
And I don't like answering the door to her in my pajamas because it makes me feel even worse about having a cleaner.
5:31 - 5:37
Because I think she thinks I'm just a lady that doesn't do anything. I mean, that's a bit true.
5:40 - 5:46
Is that why you've got up at half seven then? Or is it anxiety that wakes you up because you know she's coming?
5:46 - 5:54
I just don't like her seeing me in my pajamas. So I put a tracksuit on instead, which is even worse.
5:55 - 6:03
Interruption. Do you, in that half an hour before your cleaner arrives, frantically clean the house so that she doesn't think you live in shit?
6:04 - 6:08
No, I think that ship has sailed. We did, well, my partner did some cleaning the night before.
6:09 - 6:19
I didn't do anything. But all the, I feel guilty because I've got a big pile of, I guess, books to give endorsements to us.
6:19 - 6:24
As if me giving a quote is going to help people. So I had a big pile of books to go to the charity shop.
6:24 - 6:30
And every week I don't take them to the charity shop. And then every week she puts them all back on the bookshelf.
6:31 - 6:39
So we did that again. We'd had to move. I got a shutter, like a blind installed in the living room yesterday.
6:39 - 6:47
So all the furniture was moved for the guy coming. And I wanted to tell her that, but I had to use Google Translate to Bulgarian.
6:48 - 7:00
So I showed her that. And she sort of nodded and went, okay. I said, all the furniture has been moved because a man is coming over later to fit a shutter.
7:00 - 7:07
So I thought she understood because Google Translate is amazing. Yeah. And she just moved all the furniture back.
7:07 - 7:11
And she put all the books back on the shelf again. And she's so tiny.
7:11 - 7:16
And it was like, she moved really heavy armchairs. And I just feel so guilty.
7:16 - 7:24
A few things here now. Number one. So my downfall is I once provided a quote to a children's book.
7:24 - 7:33
And consequently, I now get asked to provide quotes. Like I tried really hard not to do a boring quote.
7:33 - 7:44
So often they're quite bland. They're like, had me laughing all the way to the bank or whatever this book about banking is.
7:44 - 7:49
You know, you can just say to people, what quote would you like? I know someone who does that.
7:51 - 7:57
The best book that I've ever read. And undoubtedly the best book ever. Do you not do that?
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Say to people, what quote would you like me to give? No, I've just stopped doing it.
8:01 - 8:13
I just don't. So I have always written children's books. And then because of the pandemic, a lot of our standup comedy friends started writing children's books.
8:13 - 8:19
And some of them are the worst children's books in the history of the genre.
8:19 - 8:31
So they all wanted quotes from me as a comedian children's book writer. And I unfortunately could not do that because some of them were so bad.
8:31 - 8:35
So instead, I said I'd done too many of them and they'd lost any currency.
8:36 - 8:42
Yeah. You could be like the Marion Keys of the children's book world because she gives quotes to everyone.
8:42 - 8:47
Which is really nice. I got asked about doing a children's book. Isn't that mental?
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I can't think of anything worse. You wouldn't leap out to me as a sort of person.
8:53 - 9:01
Right. The children would be slitting their wrists. Oh no. Yeah. The new David Walliams.
9:02 - 9:07
That's how I've always described you. Oh my God. They will give a children's book deal to anyone.
9:07 - 9:16
I was saying that one time. I said, do you know, Dermot O'Leary? Yeah. I was like, don't give a children's book deal to anyone, won't they?
9:16 - 9:21
I was saying to him, I was saying, that's a bit mad. And then he was like, I don't, I don't think so.
9:21 - 9:31
And then I found out later that he does children's books. Yeah. I must've said this before, David, that when I was at BBC London, where I went to watch a movie really early in the morning,
9:31 - 9:35
they asked me for a quote because no one had a quote. And I said, this film is amazing.
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And then it was on the poster on the tube platforms. And I was so excited.
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I said, I will literally, I will put a quote for any film. I don't need to have seen the film.
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I was only like 23. I was like, shit, my name's on the tube platform. This is amazing.
9:50 - 9:53
I don't know any, I don't know. The best film ever is Robin Hood, Prince of Thieves.
9:53 - 9:58
It's like, I don't think I'm, you know, critically minded. Yeah. But it was a really exciting time.
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I didn't get asked that many times afterwards. Yeah. I don't know if it's a good way to be like, he's famous.
10:04 - 10:11
Who is he? He's the guy who provides quotes to all the films. No one's ever used that as a...
10:11 - 10:16
So she's arrived at eight. Are you staying in the house while she is there?
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I had to stay in the house, yeah. Okay. So that's tricky. So are you kind of trying to get out of the room that she's trying to be in all the time?
10:23 - 10:31
Is it kind of a sort of... Well, the worst bit is I want to, I would like to make a coffee not in front of her.
10:31 - 10:36
I make coffee with an AeroPress and I'm really, I'm into coffee to the point it's embarrassing.
10:36 - 10:49
We welcome that on this podcast. I like to try and do that before she's in the kitchen because otherwise we have to sort of awkwardly like nod at each other and smile because I don't know any Bulgarian.
10:50 - 10:55
Offer a coffee. Use the Google Translate. I have offered her coffee, but she won't take it.
10:55 - 11:04
And I think it's because there's now a sort of official line about don't take drinks off people that you're, when you're working in their house.
11:05 - 11:10
But then the man that came to fit my shutter, look at my new shutter.
11:10 - 11:18
Isn't it beautiful? Oh, wow. It is good, yeah. To the listeners, it's like... It's a Venetian blind style, isn't it?
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Yes. Well, no, I had Venetian, I had shit old blinds that had been here since we bought the house, since the 70s, I think.
11:27 - 11:39
And one time I put a picture of my living room on it, Instagram, that was a mistake, but the blinds were in the background and someone said, how can you be on telly and have those shit blinds?
11:40 - 11:46
It was like, I'd rather get called fat. I mean, it was like the worst thing anyone's ever said to me.
11:48 - 11:55
I didn't want to say, because it takes time to do up a house and every single thing I do, I have to negotiate with another person.
11:56 - 12:11
It follows on from, was this your point recently, Max, which is a lot of people believe every single person who is on TV, like the person who does the weather on BBC, local Anglia,
12:11 - 12:29
is a billionaire. It's an absolute billionaire. This came when I was hosting Soccer AM and I was trying to ensure a Y-Reg Clio that was worth a grand because I quoted £4,000 because I would be driving Premier League footballers around by Y-Reg Clio.
12:29 - 12:35
I was like, I'm not going to be doing that. So then I had to say I was a journalist and then I got a much better rate.
12:35 - 12:44
But yeah, there is a belief that you would instantly have golden blinds. Yeah. So now I just feel so, like I'm not going to be judged anymore for it.
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Oh, why did I mention that? Because I offered the guy that installed the blinds a cup of tea and he took it.
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By the way, I've been stroking the blinds this whole time, right? And I just put my finger in and there's wet putty.
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That isn't right, is it? No, I think if you look up the rules of putty, it might say 48 hours or something.
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Well, he didn't tell me that. I don't think blinds take time to dry. They're blinds.
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They're not, you know, they're not wet setting blinds. They're not concrete. We've lost the chronological gist of this day.
13:20 - 13:24
Let's just get back. I'm not sure we ever had it, David, but timeline correct.
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So we've got up at half seven. The Bulgarian woman has come at eight. She has refused coffee.
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You are doing this sort of stealthy moves around the house. So you and her- I just stayed in my bedroom.
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I made two coffees at once so I wouldn't disturb her. Yeah. I went in my room and I'm doing a novel just now.
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So I was trying to do that. Great. But one of my cats was being very, very bold.
13:57 - 14:05
He's a lockdown. I've got two cats, but the lockdown one is they've- All lockdown pets just have attachment issues.
14:05 - 14:12
So my cat's become fixated with going out the front door into the world. Yeah.
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And he's not an outdoor cat. So he just stands at the door every day meowing.
14:17 - 14:22
And I've said to him, like, you can't- You wouldn't like it out there. You wouldn't survive.
14:23 - 14:28
Sometimes a bus will go past. Because I'll let him out the front and just stand by him.
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And then he becomes overwhelmed by how big the world is and runs back inside.
14:33 - 14:46
Do you feel like you're holding him back at all? Like, that he wants to be free, and he will return, but you- He sort of feels like you're emotionally blackmailing him into not setting him free.
14:46 - 14:53
No, I mean, I've been honest with him. I've said, we've given you a chance out the front, like out in the front garden, and you didn't like it.
14:53 - 15:01
But apparently, my cats are like Maine Coons, and they're too gentle to be outdoor cats.
15:01 - 15:06
They would just get battered by the other cats. What are they? What's that brand of cat look like?
15:07 - 15:14
They're the biggest breed of domestic cats. So he's- He's eight foot six, but he's soft as shit.
15:14 - 15:18
Is that the idea that I've got? He's probably like three times the size of a normal cat.
15:19 - 15:25
Whoa! Yeah, that's one good thing is when- Are you sure he's a cat? Is my question.
15:25 - 15:32
Wait, I can get him. James Acaster has one of these, I think. No, he's got a bald cat, hasn't he?
15:32 - 15:39
He's got a bald cat, yeah. Yeah, he's got a Brexit Motors ball bag cat, but he also has a giant cat as well.
15:40 - 15:46
I'm jealous that he has four cats, because he could only get away with that, because he's a man, really.
15:46 - 15:56
If I had four, even when I got one, it was so stigmatizing. But I did say to him, how do you manage with all those cats?
15:56 - 16:06
Because that's a lot. Yeah. He lashes them together and has them pull a chariot to bring him around London to gigs.
16:07 - 16:12
That's how he's put a heroic sort of spin on it. How's the book going?
16:13 - 16:24
It's very up and down, so I'll have days where I feel happy that I'm getting to do it, and then other days where I'm like, this is terrible.
16:25 - 16:29
And then days where I'm like, no one reads anymore. This is fine. People don't read.
16:29 - 16:36
All they do is go on Instagram. You can put literally anything, put the maddest thing you can think of in the book.
16:36 - 16:42
Nobody's going to read it. Now, unfortunately, I did that with my first book, and then people did read it.
16:43 - 16:47
So I don't know. But this one's all made up, whereas the last one was true.
16:47 - 16:52
Do you want me to provide a quote for it? Do you want to provide a quote for it?
16:54 - 17:02
No. Then no. So yesterday specifically, was yesterday a day in this, how long is the Bulgarian cleaner with you?
17:02 - 17:12
Two hours? No, four hours. What? You're in your room with two increasingly cold coffees, and you don't leave your room for the four hours while you're writing?
17:13 - 17:19
I didn't leave the room until she kicked me out, and then I came downstairs and tried to write.
17:19 - 17:27
It was really hard to concentrate, but I did get a bit done. Okay. But did you feel good about it yesterday, or did you feel like?
17:27 - 17:32
No, I felt really depressed about it. Okay. But what I've accepted is that it's just going to be like that.
17:32 - 17:36
I have days where I feel really happy and days where I feel really down.
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And the best bit about writing a book is there's no, because I was writing TV scripts before this, and everything's sort of decided by committee, and you're doing loads of notes.
17:47 - 17:54
Whereas a book, they let you do anything pretty much. Yeah. But then the downside is, like, no one's really interfering.
17:55 - 17:59
Was your first book a guide to making jam? Is that the book that you should...
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Oh, my God. Fern's first book was the most award-winning autobiography of last year or the year before.
18:07 - 18:10
Like, it won... It was actually three years ago it came out. Was it really...
18:10 - 18:21
Like, it won the massive... Booker Prize. You won the Booker Prize. It won the Nero Award, which is, like, a proper book award, and the Daily Mail were annoyed.
18:22 - 18:31
A little Scottish comedian had got it. Well, belated congratulations. I've only read The Thursday Murder Club in the last three years, because I have young children.
18:31 - 18:39
My book's better than his. Do you know what? I'm the same as him, because I also love money.
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Every episode of... The rest is entertainment. He's like, of course, a signed book is a sold book.
18:47 - 18:57
And you're like, see it? Every single time. When you are kicked out of your room to come downstairs, is that when you realise that all the furniture has been moved back into position?
18:57 - 19:05
Yeah. Okay. And do you obviously not say anything and wait for her to leave before moving it back where it previously was?
19:05 - 19:10
Yeah, because the man from the blinds company, he was meant to be there in the morning too.
19:10 - 19:16
So everyone was going to be there in the morning and then I could spend the afternoon writing in peace.
19:16 - 19:27
But then the blinds man phoned and was like, hello, Miss Brady. I was supposed to come between nine and 12, but now it's going to be between 12 and three because I got a double booking with another customer.
19:28 - 19:33
Is that okay? And I said, no, can you just drop the other customer and come here?
19:33 - 19:40
But then I realised it was a pretend choice and he was just sitting. He said, no, it's Richard Osman and I have to do his blinds.
19:41 - 19:48
Yeah, man, I can't even imagine what, I bet he's got cretel windows. They're so expensive.
19:49 - 19:55
He's got a hot water tap. Oh, you've got a hot water tap. This is one of the things we know about you from the Alison Spittle episode.
19:56 - 20:03
But also, remember we did those Christmas gigs when I was getting my kitchen done and I kept talking about the kitchen and it was pathetic.
20:03 - 20:10
This is my kitchen. I do remember this. So hang on, this is where Alison stayed where she had the tap that you wank off.
20:11 - 20:17
Yeah, the wanking tap. Oh, I see. This is all my coffee things. Oh, yeah.
20:17 - 20:21
That's my piano. That's my hot water tap. Oh, yeah. This is like my house.
20:21 - 20:27
This is my pantry. Whoa. I've never had this before on the podcast. No, this is really, we should think about this as an idea.
20:28 - 20:38
Show us around your house. Well, I've actually read that but since podcasts have now become TV shows which makes me furious, it should be a refuge for like ugly, unkempt people,
20:38 - 20:43
frankly. Since podcasts. We're strictly off video. Yeah, we're not on video. Yeah, I love that.
20:43 - 20:53
But I was reading someone say it's a real downside because people have started to bring in visual aspects to podcasts and then it ruins it for the listener because I tend to,
20:53 - 21:00
I'll only ever listen to podcasts rather than watch the video version. On TalkSport now, why do you Saturday, Sunday mornings for them?
21:01 - 21:09
We're now on YouTube and it's really hard not to be like, oh, they put a graphic up saying this or talk about, you know, look at you with that funny hat and you're like,
21:10 - 21:14
99% of these people are still listening so like you've got to bring them with you, right?
21:14 - 21:26
If you're talking about something visual otherwise it's like some bloke driving around Rochdale is going, I can't see this because I'm in a van and I don't watch TV in my van so stop talking about what people can see.
21:26 - 21:30
But I enjoyed the tour of your house even though none of our listeners will have seen any of it.
21:30 - 21:38
It was really one of the biggest things to have happened in my life was the stress, the stress of getting a kitchen done.
21:39 - 21:55
Okay, few things here now. Number one, we almost have a real live rendition of, pretty sure I've said this to you before, Max, my favourite ever joke, Fern, is, Nunn is in the shower and the doorbell rings and she says,
21:55 - 22:05
who is it? And the voice says, it's the blind man from the town. So she thinks, well I won't put a towel on, I'll just go and see what he wants.
22:05 - 22:11
And she opens the front door in the nude and he says, you're looking well sister, where will I hang these blinds?
22:11 - 22:26
Yeah. You've basically done a real life version of that joke now. I got distracted there because I was looking at the background of your room and I really, I like the painted door.
22:28 - 22:34
We're selling this house at the moment, so if you want a Dublin pad. I know, it's fine.
22:34 - 22:40
I'm going to paint the backs of other doors yellow in a new house whenever we come across.
22:40 - 22:55
It's really classy because it's just a touch of colour. I've got a yellow, completely yellow spare room and it's hideous and I've said to my partner so many times, you just want a touch of yellow like in a small space.
22:55 - 23:01
Yeah, but it's good because people won't come and stay with you for too long then because they know they never sleep in it.
23:02 - 23:07
We have had a lot of comedians staying and they're not always like, oh, this is so yellow.
23:09 - 23:26
They feel so awake in the morning. My second point is this, the AeroPress coffee maker that we just saw on the tour was invented by the same person who invented the Aerobee which is the frisbee that flies through the air.
23:26 - 23:33
So he puts the word Aero at the start of all of his inventions. Does the third one...
23:33 - 23:38
Did he invent the Aero? Yeah, he invented the Aero. He thought so. Wouldn't he?
23:39 - 23:46
I won three AeroPresses which I thought was too many but then I started losing them on tour and stuff.
23:46 - 23:53
They're amazing. It's the little bits of paper. They're quite hard to buy sometimes the little circular papery things.
23:53 - 24:00
Yes, but if you're in a hotel and you realise you don't have filters there's a lot of things you can use as a filter instead.
24:01 - 24:08
A sanitary towel? No, not a fanny pad. That's disgusting. And too absorbent. I would suggest.
24:09 - 24:14
I'm not an expert in this. You slow drip. It would slow drip through it and you really have to push it down.
24:15 - 24:23
Fern, I'm pretty sure it would go through if you pushed down hard enough. Yeah, but that can mess up your end result.
24:23 - 24:31
If you're in a hotel and you don't have an Aeropress filter there's often like record paper coasters and you can peel that.
24:31 - 24:38
It'll be like two ply and you peel that apart. Don't use toilet paper that makes a mess.
24:38 - 24:46
This is great advice for the common man isn't it? If you are in a hotel with an Aeropress and you don't have a filter the little coasters are absolutely perfect.
24:46 - 24:53
Well, I've had to live in hotels a lot and you have to find innovative ways of eating your food sometimes.
24:54 - 25:02
The number of times I've eaten dinner with a teaspoon because hotels don't have cutlery and I don't want to go down to the front desk and ask for cutlery.
25:03 - 25:11
Yeah. It's a terrible life. You can run it through one of the slippers if it's a posh hotel one of the complimentary slippers.
25:12 - 25:21
Here's my main question though. Sorry, just to get this back on track. What things do you tell the cleaner not to do?
25:22 - 25:26
Is there a specific so you were in your room is that a safe place?
25:26 - 25:31
Aside from don't move the chairs that she moves and don't touch the books that she also touches.
25:32 - 25:42
I don't like to tell her anything because she's amazing and before this we had a cleaner oh God Phil Wang recommended a cleaner to me, right?
25:42 - 25:57
now she was insane and Phil loves a difficult woman that's why we're friends. She was so crazy I was so frightened of her where do I start?
25:57 - 26:14
So she was stealing things from us. Like what? Well she stole Phil's custard. Put it on eBay. Phil Wangs custard. So like his like custard powder or like a jug of custard?
26:14 - 26:32
I'd say it was liquid custard and then she she stole do you know what a packing cube is A packing So if you're packing you can put things in a packing cube and it compresses it Oh the one you hoover down Yeah She stole an attachment from my
26:32 - 26:57
hairdryer but not the hairdryer and she used to slag off other people that she'd cleaned for including Phil That's great And she said to me she said I used to be Paloma Faith's cleaner and she went never again She said Paloma tried to school her on Bulgarian
26:57 - 27:12
folk music and she was like that's my country don't you talk to me about Bulgarian folk music She said to me what are you playing at putting all your shoes under the couch you need a shoe rack She would just go around roasting me roasting me about every
27:12 - 27:24
aspect of my house Great How did you drop the shoulder and let her go or did you surely you have to move house that's the only way So she stole more and more stuff and then she just stopped showing up but she still has a key
27:24 - 27:47
to the front door We never confronted her about the things because it was too it was just too weird but there was she also my partner does marathons a lot and she he thought that she took his copy of advanced marathoning so I quite like the gamut of
27:47 - 28:06
stealing vats of custard and advanced marathon magazine she's not focused on what she's stealing she weighed about 300 pounds is that okay to say so I don't know sure I knew she hadn't stolen advanced marathoning and he went on about it for ages have you in this four hours
28:06 - 28:23
that you're stuck in the bedroom you haven't had any breakfast so like when's no I did I did have breakfast I just didn't tell you before the cleaner came I had some porridge yeah now I had a thing happen this week where I smashed the jar that my
28:23 - 28:44
porridge oats were in and then it exploded glass tends to explode but they're my favourite porridge oats from Scotland and I managed to find them in waitrose here so I didn't want to put them in the bin so I picked all the glass out or like the big
28:44 - 29:03
bits and then I ate this porridge and then the rest of the day I could feel warmth in my throat and I was like I'm probably bleeding internally and Alison said why are you eating glass porridge you're not skin and I said because I really like these porridge
29:03 - 29:22
oats and I don't want to waste food but I did think if I died eating glass porridge while struggling to write novel that would be a good glass porridge does feel like a failed dragon's den or like real high performance this is the supplement you need the real
29:22 - 29:28
high achievers they are eating glass porridge if you really want to get ahead the other the bros would be I
29:31 - 29:52
really start the day better than glass porridge I'm surprised your tap doesn't have another setting on it where just porridge flows out of it that would be amazing I've got really into it recently because I read an interview with the world porridge making champagne I provided a quote
29:52 - 30:12
for his book and he was explaining why you should put salt in it which I always used to think was disgusting but he said you wouldn't expect this but the salt brings out the natural sweetness of the oats and it does couple of questions how is he better
30:12 - 30:33
at making porridge than anyone else on earth so the porridge making championships are in Scotland obviously you're only allowed three ingredients oats water and salt and everyone has their own different little methods and basically the trick is to not get the porridge too high I would often impatiently
30:33 - 30:49
boil like turn it up high you don't want to do that because it then creates a sort of gelatinous texture you want to keep it medium heat there's no milk in these world championships no there's not in the championships but I started putting milk in again after years
30:49 - 31:02
not it's much better it is like luxury if you've had years of just water porridge surely there are enough people just simmering porridge at a reasonable temperature that it's quite hard to like get down from like the last eight to the winner do you know what I mean
31:02 - 31:25
like surely enough people are making porridge pretty well your attitude is just telling me that you'd never be the porridge champion if you're like this is fine you might be recipe for the from the world aeropress championships and that's all slightly different tweaks as well like stir your
31:25 - 31:46
aeropress eight times with a chopstick that was one of the winning I didn't win the Scottish porridge world championships but my technique was too groundbreaking I would get like a stone of salt and then just put in one single porridge oat into it but then
31:46 - 32:03
boil it for so long that the salt all rose off it so the single porridge oat just swelled up then to the side of a brick and you eat it like an apple yuck I'm trying to break new ground do you have anything on your porridge it's just
32:03 - 32:17
a bit of salt do you have like a banana or some granola or something I always intend to have a banana on my porridge but I eat it before the porridge is ready deconstructed it's deconstructed porridge so I used to put frozen blueberries in but I found
32:17 - 32:33
that's messed up the liquid to oats ratio of my porridge so what I'm doing now is I put in chia seeds maybe some pumpkin seeds I like chopping up pecans and dried figs and
32:33 - 32:47
cacao nibs I put that on oh yeah this is good stuff my porridge is quite fancy sometimes no wonder Alison Spittle won't ever leave your house out of just banging on the door every night to come in she actually left my house so quick she was meant
32:47 - 33:00
to come and stay with me and she was barely here on another episode of what did you yesterday she was in your house in the morning and moved out in the afternoon if I'm remembering correctly yeah she felt guilty because she was moving into her place
33:00 - 33:18
and then there was quite a contrast with your place having a wanking tap and then moving to her place where there's a winch above her bed where wet clothing is just hanging over her well I was prepared for her to stay for a month and I was very
33:18 - 33:36
sad when she left but she's she's very allergic to the cats so it's probably a nightmare so we're jumping backwards and forwards across the timeline but I but I like it the cleaner is there eight to twelve we've had some porridge just before eight you've written
33:36 - 33:53
a little bit in some of that section are we missing anything else before the second Bulgarian cleaner goes not the custard stealer no I think that's it she left and then I was going to make a proper lunch with the correct amount of protein and
33:53 - 34:13
carbs and fat but instead I remembered that my partner keeps these frozen parathas that he thinks I don't know about what are they parathas you know like the bread the indian bread is amazing imagine if bread was made of fat that's what a paratha is how does he
34:13 - 34:30
think that you don't know they're there like where's I don't really use the freezer I don't use the freezer much so he has successfully hidden so much stuff in the freezer his marathon book is in there so because I'm addicted to bread and I'm trying to give
34:30 - 34:45
it up so then he knows that if he puts the bread in the freezer oh these blinds man sorry I've just found another bit that's broken on it have they melted no a screw is coming out from me just gently touching it I feel like that bit in
34:45 - 35:03
father ted where the guy goes around just breaking all the furniture we're not even at the arrival of the blinds yet now so you've stolen the bread what do you have yeah I made these two paraffos they're great yeah a pack of frozen paraffos you just put them
35:03 - 35:20
in the frying pan a dry frying pan and they're cooked within a couple of minutes I ate them just plain it was great I had two of them and then I had a grapefruit a whole grapefruit or half a whole no a whole one I'm only meant
35:20 - 35:33
to have half what is this oh you fat bitch you ate a whole grapefruit what are you on about I think you should be able to eat as much grapefruit as you want you know I would very rarely buy a grapefruit I just can't be
35:33 - 35:50
asked but if I do I'd probably have half a grapefruit and they're so yummy yeah they are I agree with you they're nice but you don't agree David they're rubbish well unless you get one that's slightly that's entered its sweet era it was a red grapefruit okay
35:50 - 36:06
it was a red one so that is leaning that's between the lemon and the orange yeah yeah yeah it was great but the crucial thing this is the thing I suppose I didn't say when I was eating the piratas my cat my bald cat who's also my
36:06 - 36:20
favorite cat he eats a lot of human food which I know is wrong he can do tricks so he high fives for when he sees basically when he sees you eating a food that he wants he comes over and
36:20 - 36:36
holds his paw up yeah it's like the cutest thing high fives for grapefruit this is a great cat no so we had we shared the pirata together on the countertop I held it up he high fived me and I thought this is nice that we're having lunch together
36:36 - 36:53
and then I held the grapefruit up to him and he went because cats hate citrus fruit the only other time that I have been hating on citrus fruit as a big citrus fruit guy was I once tried to get a composter going in the lane behind my
36:53 - 37:12
house throwing in excess food but then I put citrus fruit in it which you're not supposed to because it disturbs the balance of the microbes and then I asked my friend how I get past this phase and he said ammonia and
37:12 - 37:24
I said what does that involve and he said you have to pee into the composter three times a day was he joking no no definitely not and so I would have to go out then
37:24 - 37:44
and make sure that no one was around and then furiously pee into the composter to overwhelm the citrus and did you what no the composter filled with flies and sometimes the flies would all go in your mickey as you were trying to wee onto it is that
37:44 - 38:05
is that bad that's the most rotten image ever I probably thought it was a big maggot thank you fern thank you for that compliment oh that's horrible and do you grow vegetables out of that no you just I was trying to create the it's called black gold
38:05 - 38:25
the really healthy earth that you then use to pop plants and all the rest seems quite a lot of effort yeah famously Catholics don't garden David well I actually I don't want to jump for there's gardening coming up in my day okay oh no spoilers so the blind
38:25 - 38:38
man from the town the worst blind man in Britain as we're establishing as this podcast continues and the blinds melt in front of your eyes but at this stage we think he's a professional we think he's going to improve your blind setup or you're now
38:38 - 38:55
waiting for him basically you're trapped yeah I was waiting and I was finding it hard to concentrate just waiting not knowing where he'd turn up and then he came along and I offered him a tea and he said yeah I will have a tea actually and
38:55 - 39:05
they never do that anymore tradesmen they never never really want a tea did he recognize you as the narrow prize winning author Fern Brady no
39:08 - 39:28
if he did he was really cool about it but do you know when I got recognized I got an iron infusion right because I'm if you can't tell from my color maybe my color is good now I'm anemic the doctor was like I enjoyed your tour show in
39:28 - 39:42
York and then he wanted to ask me about like periods and stuff and I was like I'm not going to say anything weird now that you've talked about my York tour show and then I got this iron infusion and the nurse when he found out I was a
39:42 - 40:06
comedian he just started listing all the comedians he thought was anemic oh that's a great who's on the list of anemic comedians number one yeah Christopher MacArthur Boyd you'd think that Josh Whedicombe this nurse he was like he said I've been trying to contact Josh because he's vegetarian
40:06 - 40:24
he's tired all the time and he said and crucially he complains of restless legs and I thought that Josh had been into the same iron clinic as me he hadn't the nurse just listens to Josh's podcast so he's diagnosing him from afar and he said oh I've contacted
40:24 - 40:41
he went is it off the curb flow it off the curb I've contacted her because obviously I can't get through to Josh and I was like okay did you message Josh did you message him to say I think you're anemic this nurse he said I've just got small
40:41 - 41:09
children I'm not anemic I just got children and I said look Josh this nurse so badly wanted me to pass it on to you and then at the end of the thing the nurse was like I and
41:09 - 41:23
this nurse was old as well he said I should give you my number and I went lovely to meet you and then I was meant to stay at the clinic in case I had an allergic reaction but I just thought I want to get far away from these
41:23 - 41:34
nutters but anyway I had an iron infusion and fucking hell I feel like a different person I feel so good my wife
41:37 - 41:50
it was a great day it was like straight away bing yeah literally I was so tired they made it like my catchphrase on taskmaster that I was saying I was tired and then
41:50 - 42:00
I got this iron and I was like oh my god after like a week it kicks in and you're just like oh my god I feel great yeah that's why I drink so
42:00 - 42:30
much Guinness exactly the same it's got iron in it that's why I eat so many frosties because they are fortified with they are I put frosties in stout and I eat it with a spoon the blind man has arrived has he one of those books that's like advice
42:30 - 42:36
on writing a novel but it wasn't any use then I did a trick that I did a lot with my first book where I
42:58 - 43:07
job as you are now finding as putty and screws fall out I was meant to stay and watch him I thought that would be creepy no I think I
43:28 - 43:47
I just I go into another room I think I know but he had asked me what Jimmy Carr was really like etc they always ask that they really do everyone always asks that it's the main question I am asked to be honest I just left him to it
43:47 - 44:05
but what I haven't said is the whole time this is going on Rua the cat keeps going meow and just making a beeline for the front door so I'm having to chase this huge cat grab him I'm talking to him which probably the guy thinks is mad but
44:05 - 44:19
I was like you can't you can't go out the front you can't live independently all this does your cat like take it on board when you talk to him in this matter of fact way cats I think they've done a study and
44:19 - 44:50
cats do understand some nouns there's some words that he understands right yeah like he knows what pancakes is because he loves pancakes and I gave them to him from when he was a little kitten he can recognize the brand of greek yogurt that we I don't think he's
44:50 - 45:02
not reading he's not reading the name of the yogurt he orders it online if you leave a laptop open obviously he's not reading because he's deleted it but I think he recognizes the picture of the goat on the front so
45:03 - 45:12
are you saying because the blind man has left the front door open so the blind man can go in and out to his van he kept leaving the door open and
45:12 - 45:19
I was just dashing out. Does the blind man put up many blinds or just one?
45:39 - 45:45
through occasionally and I said wow what a difference and I wanted to tell him about the time someone mocked me
46:09 - 46:40
a small white pencil and he said if there's any damage to this use this little pencil to colour it in wow and that was that so he's gone then at about three you feel finally this day can the cleaner and
46:40 - 46:51
stuff but I was working class so then we had a meeting with the gardener right at 4pm it's like Downton Abbey it's basically Downton Abbey I
47:09 - 47:17
very small I got a little back garden and a little front garden and I been wanting to do it for ages and then we got this nice gardener
47:32 - 47:48
we the look of the garden a maze you want a full maze no no I want I want some herbs basically if I could have some herbs that'd
48:08 - 48:23
be before the call you were going to have a little nap yeah and was lying there and I was like can't even nap and I was watching YouTube interviews with the heated rivalry guys because I've got you won't understand this there's a thing just now
48:23 - 48:37
called heated rivalry psychosis that a lot of people are mass experiencing if you don't know heated rivalry is a TV program what is this you've not heard about heated rivalry I watched death in paradise and
48:37 - 48:59
that's that it no you they're both looking at me blankly because you're both straight men what heated rivalry Jesus Christ right heated rivalry is a TV show that has taken over the world it is about two secretly gay ice hockey players one is Canadian and
48:59 - 49:12
one is Russian they have an affair lasting 10 years is it a documentary or is it a no it's a TV drama right and it was initially just made for a small Canadian channel but
49:12 - 49:32
it blew up and HBO bought it and it's now the highest rated episode of television along with Ozymandias which is like a Breaking Bad thing now I've been watching things about secret gay love for years so I never thought loads of people would be into it this show
49:32 - 49:44
is amazing the problem is it's mostly straight women that are into it and lesbians the problem is once you start watching it a lot of people become obsessed with it and
49:44 - 50:00
they find it hard to think about other things and they feel sad because I thought it was just me and then I found out Catherine Bohart is going through the same thing I posted about it on Instagram and loads of people messaged saying this is so
50:00 - 50:13
distressing to me so the problem I'm having is I can't seem to watch other TV shows I've now watched the full series four times and I've got a book deadline yeah I know and then
50:13 - 50:30
I had a meeting with my publisher and I said you're not in a heat of rivalry are you she said oh yeah and we had the first 15 minutes talking about it and she said I keep watching it to see all these hidden meanings and
50:30 - 50:45
things I'd missed and then my publisher's like really clever cool woman and the thing that she'd missed after the first viewing was them looking at each other's willies in the shower she saw that the second time and I thought she was going to say something really deep
50:46 - 51:04
it's such a good show it's just like muscular men with like zero body fat blowing each other every 10 to 15 minutes and I tried to get my partner into it and I said to him like do you know I wish we were gay guys I hate that we're
51:04 - 51:18
living this heady lifestyle I showed him the first episodes because he loves Brokeback Mountain so I thought he would like it and he kept saying disgusting disgusting and he said there needs to be more penis and
51:18 - 51:36
vagina sex in this show and I said how come you're always watching Breaking Bad then and it turns out that he so he's Irish he only ever liked Breaking Bad because of the pastoral setting he said sorry Brokeback Mountain he said he only ever liked that really because
51:36 - 51:51
it reminded them of Ireland very different to Breaking Bad if you mix those two up he's from the countryside so he just liked all the horses and stuff he was just looking at the background it's the reason we can't bring out a video version of this podcast
51:51 - 52:14
because people were just 0% fat men blowing each other every 15 minutes it was so surreal to me that you guys were like what's heated rivalry because it's enormous it's like become one of the best rated shows ever I'm a 50 year old man who enjoys fixing bicycles it's not
52:14 - 52:31
this could be the first moment where people realise that we are not the zeitgeist this could be it's possible isn't it yeah I haven't watched Traders either oh no I don't watch that I don't watch any of it I don't watch anything that everyone else is watching
52:31 - 52:47
I'm never into it that's why it makes me so happy that finally one of my interests which is men pretending to be straight while having sex with each other is come into the mainstream because I've been into it for years not to be a hipster about
52:47 - 53:03
secret gay love so sorry you're watching this on YouTube for half an hour and then you've got the meeting with the gardener well then I wake up and it's half four and I've got messages from my partner saying are you joining the Zoom call and then
53:03 - 53:22
another message saying well you didn't turn up so we've made all the decisions without you and there's going to be a ping pong table and a massive vegetable patch ping pong table and endless vegetables not a single flower I think they've made the decision to have magnolia
53:22 - 53:38
out the front without me I emailed the gardener to apologise he knows that I'm self-employed so hopefully he won't think I'm just a lazy arse look I need to ask the important question here do you get a lot of light in this garden do you reckon you're going
53:38 - 53:55
to be able to plant rosemary do you reckon you're going to have a go at basil during the summer that sort of a thing definitely I'd love to grow basil I'd like to grow Thai basil because it's hard to get in the supermarkets and we grew courgettes
53:55 - 54:12
out the back and they took over the whole garden I'd like a courgette so then coming up to that it was time for dinner and I made put an esca and I'm pretty decent at cooking but you know the bit where you put the pasta water in
54:12 - 54:20
I put too much in and created an overly watery emulsion has marathons come back from work now?
54:21 - 54:32
oh sorry when you said marathon I'm also doing a marathon so I thought you were going to ask about my marathon I'm in running gear right now because I have to go and
54:32 - 54:50
run after this well hang on has he come back has he come back from work no but he ran 24 kilometers home last night from work because he's trying to do it in under three hours this time blimey oh god that's too fast his body looks fantastic wow
54:50 - 55:07
but he's it's kind of good living with someone that's doing marathons while I'm training for my first because it's normalized the idea of just constantly exercising whereas if I lived with a guy that was not exercising at all it'd be much harder to get out for my runs
55:07 - 55:26
yeah I can see how are his nipples oh red raw um he's got four containers of vaseline on the shelf usually next to the door which I thought is that not a bit much and I actually I've been getting a chafed arse on my runs and every
55:26 - 55:40
time he said to me like you have to start just looping up every time you go out for a long run yeah it's horrible I really regret agreeing to do it you know yeah first time I did it I remember I was working for BBC London on Marylebone
55:40 - 55:51
High Street which is great it was a great place in the office it's just by Regent's Park it was winter and I went on one sort of I can't remember eight mile or something just laps of laps of Regent's Park and I came back and I'd
55:51 - 56:08
done it in a white t-shirt and I came back into the office and I had sort of little bloody little bloody lactating little nipples yeah he's had that so you've done a marathon I've done a couple and they're fucking miserable so casual so I agreed to do it
56:08 - 56:22
for a charity that where I'd kept saying I would help them out and then I would forget right so out of guilt what happened was I'd come in from a run looked at my emails and they were like want to do the London marathon they endorphin
56:22 - 56:38
you that is it that's gaslit into a marathon yeah and I'd wanted to do one before my 40th which is in May right and this was in April so I was like I didn't even think I just replied absolutely I'll do it oh fucking oh it's so
56:38 - 56:57
bad it's awful you just like it's awful did you feel like your social life because what I've started to do now is I'll try and coerce friends into going running with me because all I do is run I was like 25 so I was sort of it was different
56:57 - 57:10
it was a different time but I've never been a runner like 5k is when I stop and I think I'm gonna die until it says 5k oh right so it was a difficult time for me did you ever go run with your fella yeah or is that
57:10 - 57:25
too weird no I wish he'd take me out more but I'm too slow so before he signed up to the latest marathon he's doing he did take me out on training runs and he would shout at me by the way this is something I wanted and respond to
57:25 - 57:42
well anytime I stopped and I was like my legs are tired he'd say you're letting down the autistic people sorry because I'm running for an autism charity I should have said that you're letting them all down you're gonna have to give the money back and then
57:42 - 57:47
I would shout no I don't want to keep going to the point that people were looking at us in the street
57:49 - 58:04
just yelling at each other and he also does a really helpful thing where he will put his hand behind my back and push push me literally to keep running are you allowed that during the actual marathon you allowed someone to just push you along no one would notice
58:04 - 58:20
you're saying that as a joke but I've been sort of looking up what Romesh did for his marathon and he did have someone running alongside it did he yeah he had like a marathon no but you'd need like having someone to encourage you along mentally is good
58:20 - 58:36
like on Saturday I went to park run with Alison right she lives in North London and I live South so I got the train up to Highbury and Islington did park run with her and ran home and it was good because I was sort of passing
58:36 - 58:53
on the tips that I got where I was like you have to run really slowly I was getting her to do deep breathing and she was great but she kept like roaring and frustration that she wasn't going fast enough or that you were going too fast
58:53 - 59:09
I'd go slow down and then she would walk and I would go don't walk and then she would speed up and go and I was like fucking hell there must be a reason why Olympic gold medalists have never roared while running I mean maybe they have
59:09 - 59:17
I mean I do do that on some of my long runs I don't know how you found the long run like on the day if it's the London marathon you know there is that there is an energy right
59:17 - 59:32
which you do feel but there's also this is much longer than I would choose to run but I think you'll you will have a great time especially with all your training so hang on you have the putinesca by yourself or is that once I just had it
59:32 - 59:45
by myself yeah I'd been going to make him dinner because he was like oh I'll be running home I'll eat anything I'd been going to make a courgette bean auto which is letter of auto but made with beans right
59:45 - 1:00:00
courgettes from the garden are they garden courgettes no I won't eat the garden courgettes because the cat's using the same techniques as you and pisses on the soil and I've said to I've said to Connor my partner I said do not ever feed the courgettes to guests
1:00:00 - 1:00:11
he eats the pissy courgettes and I'm just like how can you do that but the herbs are going to be all pissy as well then the gardener's going to do so
1:00:11 - 1:00:22
I think my herbs are going to be up off the ground I think I might put them on the back of the shed or on the in little pots so that the cats can't get at them or the foxes surely the cats can jump
1:00:22 - 1:00:39
or are they so big they can't jump they can jump but they can't jump onto a tiny they'll be on little plinths tiny cat-proof plinths they are cat-proofing it they're fox-proofing it I didn't even say add a bad sleep on this day that we're talking about
1:00:39 - 1:00:59
because it's mating season for the foxes oh that's so screechy isn't it oh my god we were we were lying awake just laughing at the foxes because they were they were like and then the male fox goes hop hop hop that's what he says back a really posh
1:00:59 - 1:01:16
a really posh male fox maybe you could do a children's book about that David I've got one called the pissy courgettes that I'm working on for these really sad vegetables what do you do after dinner right so all day hanging over me like an execution
1:01:16 - 1:01:33
I had my first gig back in ages oh yeah because I took some time off comedy just to get the book done but the problem with taking time off comedy I never really take time off gigs because then it gets harder to go back yeah because you remember
1:01:33 - 1:01:50
what an unnatural thing it is to do and your nervous system is like this is mental so I thought that I'd been off the gigs for the gigs like drugs I thought I'd been off it for three months it turned out I'd only been off for six weeks
1:01:50 - 1:02:05
but I mean it felt long and I had a sort of bigger gig on tomorrow night so I thought I better book in a practice one yeah thank god I did I booked in to do the moth club which is a gig that I regularly do and
1:02:05 - 1:02:22
dislike but Molly that books it is really nice yeah I know Molly where's the moth club Dalston how did it go well David I was really dragging my feet going out the door I was like so feeling so sick I couldn't remember any of my jokes
1:02:22 - 1:02:38
even though my material's old as fuck I did drive there I'd not been driving much either and I'd forgotten how to drive but I enjoy driving to this gig because it's only a half an hour and I like driving through the Blackwall Tunnel I'm gonna get
1:02:38 - 1:02:54
a parking ticket for last night because I parked in a place where it said don't park and then I was just like I can't be bothered moving I was on after really great comedians do you know Eli Mathewson yeah from New Zealand he's moved to London he's amazing
1:02:54 - 1:03:12
oh good yeah and then I was on with this woman that I started with I hadn't seen her since I did So You Think You're Funny in 2011 Nicola Mantalius she was on the host was this guy John Tothill oh yeah I'd never met I've seen a clip
1:03:12 - 1:03:25
of him talking about clarinet and he's amazing in fact as soon as I met him I went I saw your clip about the clarinet and he was like nice to meet you he probably thought I was mental how did the gig go I forgot I forgot
1:03:25 - 1:03:31
my opening lines I forgot it was so embarrassing So how do you start then?
1:03:32 - 1:03:43
Oh saying I'm autistic how would I forget that I was autistic when I just met that John guy and said clarinet I love your clarinet bit So if you can't remember it do you then
1:03:43 - 1:03:59
just say I can't remember how to start this? I did say that I didn't want to say I've been off because I'm writing a novel because then that sort of self aggrandising thing to say You could have said I've had a really long day with the cleaner
1:03:59 - 1:04:15
and the blind man and the gardener and the gardener and the staff have been letting me I slept through the meeting with the gardener I'm just pooped from dealing with the servants The man who deals with the portcullis he's really unalienable I think a lot now
1:04:15 - 1:04:36
because see when I was poor I had this posh flatmate and her mum said when you're middle class your life is nothing but problems and now me and my partner say that to each other but the fact is your problems are all really great ones even when
1:04:36 - 1:04:54
they're bad you know how am I going to write my novel when I'm distracted by thinking about the plans for the garden it's stupid Fern I bet the gig goes great everyone would be so happy to see you the Nero prize winning author do some of her famed
1:04:54 - 1:05:09
stand-up comedy of course it went great it was alright it made me think I don't mind doing comedy actually because I was thinking of quitting not in a dramatic way I just was like I don't know if I want to keep doing it well it was okay
1:05:09 - 1:05:25
I wasn't as good as the other acts Helen Bower was on as well this is a high quality line-up yeah do you know her yeah so good she's a force so I did the gig a girl in the front row was wearing a heated rivalry cap
1:05:25 - 1:05:37
so then I just started talking to people about heated rivalry and I said look I can't think about anything else and then when I got in I just felt so
1:05:37 - 1:05:54
relieved that the gig was over I actually ran away I didn't say bye to anyone I came off stage and my car keys were in my pocket and I just ran down the street like a getaway driver anytime I feel embarrassed about a gig I burst out
1:05:54 - 1:06:10
the doors and I run away and it really helped threw the keys to the chauffeur and you said get me home as quickly as possible I wish I got in the car and I drove home and when I got in I actually went upstairs I washed my makeup
1:06:10 - 1:06:17
off and then I just screamed into a towel to get the embarrassment out because the feeling of comedy was so shameful
1:06:19 - 1:06:36
what a job and then my partner was trying to talk to me about a podcast episode he'd listened to about goal setting and this Japanese technique for goal setting oh yeah for sorry for what for what goal setting setting goals oh right
1:06:36 - 1:06:50
like goals okay right I went a bit of football just for a second I was like I hate football right for how to attain your what you want to achieve in your life he said I really want you to listen to this podcast and I said well
1:06:50 - 1:07:05
I love setting goals and manifesting and all that but then I think I misread what he was saying and he got a bit snappy with me and I said listen I can't I can't concentrate because I've just made a whole show of myself at a gig
1:07:05 - 1:07:15
I said I just embarrassed myself for money probably the money's gonna get taken away because I'm gonna get a parking fine because I parked in a ego bit and then
1:07:15 - 1:07:26
I went to bed I thought I just want to comfort myself I want to start watching heat of rivalry for the fifth time and then I said no you can't so
1:07:26 - 1:07:43
then I put on the sequel to sex in the city and just like that which is one of the most abysmal shows ever made it'd be funny imagine if I'd never seen heated rivalry but I knew every word of the awful sequel to sex in the city
1:07:43 - 1:08:00
oh my god it didn't make me feel better it made me feel quite wound up so then I just gave in and I put on a video of Connor's story he's one of the stars of heated rivalry I put on videos of him getting ready for the for
1:08:00 - 1:08:17
the Eve Sandler fashion show in Paris and it was just videos of him getting dressed for fashion week and I found that very comforting that's how I know we were hanging out at that I told you guys you should watch this show because it's a nice love
1:08:17 - 1:08:35
story do your girlfriends or partners watch this show they must have I don't think Jamie does no I don't she watches below deck we're very late to traitors but annoyingly I'm like two series is behind and then the winner followed me on Instagram today and
1:08:35 - 1:08:49
so I know who it won it was that someone's followed you occasionally like I'm looking you know on that you press the heart thing and it went this person with the tickets followed you click on it one it went series four winner I was like wow that's annoying
1:08:49 - 1:09:08
because I've got like four episodes left or so many of you my Helen copter just listens to podcasts about injustice around the world like whenever she's cooking and I put my head into the kitchen it'll just be the name of another massacre or whatever a posh English
1:09:08 - 1:09:32
person talking about another massacre somewhere so yeah sorry when you're saying about injustice I didn't even say the other thing that I did yesterday yeah I watched a documentary you massacred a load of people I watched a documentary called off the rails about an autistic man in Brooklyn
1:09:32 - 1:09:45
who loves the subway trains so much that the subway drivers trained him how to be a train driver he got hold of a uniform and then he started hijacking the trains and
1:09:45 - 1:10:00
driving them himself right I see I thought this was a beautiful story it's so so unfair because the guy is amazing at driving the subway train he's always more on time because he's autistic he's got like regard for respect for rules and
1:10:00 - 1:10:14
being on time so he's his trains run on time his announcements are really cheerful because he's fucking delighted to be driving the train but he's hijacked them yeah he's hijacked them so he can drive them on time they've arrested and
1:10:14 - 1:10:30
jailed this guy something like 23 times right just give him a job just give him a job literally everyone is like why don't you give him a job they wouldn't give him a job because he's got a criminal record for driving the trains on time there's even
1:10:30 - 1:10:43
new york subway workers who are like look we love this there was a thing where if the drivers were hung over or if they were like i want to go see my girlfriend today they would get him to take over and
1:10:43 - 1:10:58
then you would get the occasional subway driver who was a grass who would grass him up to the police and there was other subway drivers going literally just give him a job he would turn up to work every day trains are his life oh it was so sad
1:10:58 - 1:11:14
and then he ends up he gets an ankle tag that bars him from going on the subway and at one point he becomes a volunteer in the transport museum that's a good job for yeah yeah because they were like he can do tours and
1:11:14 - 1:11:30
stuff they said they got pressured to let him go because he'd done jail time oh it was terrible and then eventually within a day he takes his ankle tag off and gets back on the fucking subway he said if i could just find the love of a good
1:11:30 - 1:11:45
woman i think i could give up the trains and then he meets this ecuadorian seamstress on the subway naturally neither of them speak a word to english right but they manage to communicate with each other somehow and
1:11:45 - 1:11:57
they get together and they fall in love then he starts sneaking out at night and she said i think you're seeing other women and he said the other women are trains and
1:11:57 - 1:12:10
then the next thing he got put in jail and that was when she found out that he wasn't a real subway driver because he told her that he was she she met him in the uniform it's a really good documentary that it's on youtube do you worry
1:12:10 - 1:12:24
that you're that might have been your blind guy now that he's just obsessed with being a blind man no if he was obsessed then the putty wouldn't be wet or he would have told me about it what time do you go to bed that's the thing
1:12:24 - 1:12:38
is like when i'm off gigs i go to bed really early i go to bed 10 or half 10 yeah but then that unfortunately trains you so that then when you're meant to be on at a gig you start getting all sleepy yeah but yeah the moment i go
1:12:38 - 1:12:55
to bed at half 10 no way you're back from the moth club and have watched heated the documentary about the hot guy from heated rivalry at yves saint laurent well last night i couldn't sleep till half one and i said i ended up having some weed gummies to knock
1:12:55 - 1:13:17
me out because i was i think i was just worried about the book do you remember you and me with the weed gummies in perth airport oh yeah yeah so max david helped me smuggle drugs no urn had border force will be listening to also legal in the
1:13:17 - 1:13:33
uk by the way well yeah you say that but like i almost got arrested for bringing an apple into australia last time so well you're close to what our story is about this is my telling of it fern we are going from melbourne to perth
1:13:33 - 1:13:51
we're both on the same flight and fern has the edibles in the bag totally legal in melbourne the fear starts to descend this is i remember state to state yeah we're going interstate so the bag appears on the carousel and it's like oh my god i
1:13:51 - 1:14:08
think we got away with it but then border security appear with a dog oh i was sweating they go up to fern and they say is this your bag and it's like oh shit like i'm about to sprint out of the airport and leave her
1:14:08 - 1:14:27
to do hard time and then border security say we're training this dog can we put this box with drugs in it into your bag put it wasn't with drugs whatever it was it was a banana it was can we put this into your bag let it go
1:14:27 - 1:14:42
back in the carousel and see if this dog training can find it so fern says yes the bag goes back on the dog goes crazy the bag that already has edibles in it that may or may not be an illegal operation and that is how
1:14:42 - 1:15:00
once again me and fern sidestepped going to prison yes that's an inaccurate retelling of the story i didn't just have a bag of edibles i had an ungodly amount i had like two tubs 200 pastels each i had so
1:15:00 - 1:15:17
many i got them so easily from a man who said he was a doctor but seemed to just be a stoned guy who'd put on a white coat and a stethoscope and he laughed all the way through the consultation it was fantastic the drugs police came up
1:15:17 - 1:15:33
well they came over with a dog and they said can we train you they had a tupperware container not with drugs it had a over ripe banana in it was just a banana in us yes they said we're gonna put this in your backpack right and
1:15:33 - 1:15:46
see if the dog can sniff it out and they said don't look at the dog don't do anything to make the dog think anything's up also i love it was a spaniel and i love spaniels so it was really hard i was trying not to act
1:15:46 - 1:16:02
excited also not sure that i was sweating that i was gonna go to jail i was both excited and upset about going to jail yeah the dog comes over and it starts wagging its tail and jumps up and it finds the rotten banana in my bag but
1:16:02 - 1:16:19
then the cop she works in my bag and she goes oh oh no and i was like oh fuck she went you've got raspberries in your luggage you can't bring that in you can't bring that into the state and i said oh god sorry how yeah
1:16:19 - 1:16:33
how could i have not known so it was fine to bring a massive amount of weed in that's the better version than my version well the weed then traveled with me to new zealand that's illegal you're not allowed to do that yeah but then
1:16:33 - 1:16:50
it's this is the daft thing it's legal in new zealand yeah it's just not legal to bring the australian version into new zealand it's so silly the escobar of fern brady phase well i know i could just bend them once again i was shitting myself we know
1:16:50 - 1:17:06
from the glass porridge you don't like to waste yeah this is the problem i hate wasting things that was pablo escobar's thing i just didn't want to waste all please for the sake of my american work visa no i don't like to smuggle drugs i was unclear on
1:17:06 - 1:17:16
what the rules were and the rules don't make any sense yeah new zealand i landed at like midnight and the beagles were tired and they were ready to finish their shift so
1:17:16 - 1:17:34
i just went past them you fall asleep at 1 30 then yeah i think that's a good day it was a very full day yeah yeah we picked a good one for this podcast i think that's six different days enjoyed the got the garden bit was the
1:17:34 - 1:17:51
part that i did enjoy where we had a big build up to it and then you slept through it entirely yeah i'm the gardener hasn't replied to accept my apologies so maybe he's angry with me fern brady thank you very much for telling us what you
1:17:51 - 1:18:17
did yesterday oh thanks so much for having me so there we are fern brady's day what a great day it was so much in that day i enjoy the uh guilt around the cleaner yeah that was a fun navigation i like the blind
1:18:17 - 1:18:32
but i like the fact that you know she's she's she's getting these new blinds because someone has criticized their blinds and yet as our podcast is recording her blinds are melting in front of her it becomes reportage actually do you think that was due to
1:18:32 - 1:18:48
the quality of the chat that the blinds just couldn't handle it and started to disintegrate do you think there is a level of chat where blinds melt that's how this that's how far this podcast has gone it's that scintillating that your blinds will melt there's a few lovely
1:18:48 - 1:19:05
wrinkles that i would like to have explored a bit more but the question is about what fern did yesterday just the boyfriend running 24 kilometers home from work and we just pass over that you know oh so yeah like how is he when he gets in
1:19:05 - 1:19:15
but i said if he's running a marathon sub three that's fine for him that's not like you running 24 if i ran 24 kilometers home yeah i would let jamie know about it you know whereas i imagine he just comes to the door
1:19:15 - 1:19:30
and it's like hey as if he's just cycled home but you're right maybe we should have asked what you don't realize is that whenever we're recording this i am running i have a really high like a really high quality headset on and you're
1:19:30 - 1:19:43
so fit you can maintain a conversation yes while the podcast is happening and that was the best part of an hour and a half so i actually ran over half a marathon yeah good for you there you're like the maglev train which
1:19:43 - 1:20:02
young ian knows which is sort of it's on magnets so he doesn't barely makes a sound it's the fastest train that exists it's funny because our podcast is so popular among marathon runners that the kenyan guys are attempting now to run a full marathon in ross noble
1:20:02 - 1:20:17
i was just about to do the same joke i say you know some of the best kenyans they can do it during tim keys but your average runner can do it in a ross noble as that if you would like to get in touch with our
1:20:17 - 1:20:35
podcast we take any feedback any cheese discussion anything else this is how you get in touch to get in touch with the show you can email us at what did you do yesterday pod at gmail.com follow us on instagram at yesterday pod and please
1:20:35 - 1:20:42
subscribe and leave a review if you liked it on your preferred podcast platform and if you didn't please don't
1:20:45 - 1:20:56
thank you david do you know what i am gonna do this for the rest of my life we'll do it live as well in melbourne on the 3rd of april i think that would be sure and we should have plugged out the
1:20:56 - 1:21:11
start that's the key no one's but we forgot that you're still with us occasionally because i think we've had this conversation before you get the odd message going i am still listening there's one person so i am still listening um so thank you to the three of you
1:21:11 - 1:21:21
that's still listening to this bit come to melbourne on april the 3rd and come to dublin on march the 3rd but that probably will be sold out by the time you hear this yeah yes i am kind people are like is
1:21:21 - 1:21:38
max coming to dublin for this i'm like i am back in the uk just for this and to just wow because every every mayhem david goes to visit his parents and you know builds them a new house and i just let my parents fester 10 000 miles away
1:21:38 - 1:21:50
i'm going back to check they're still there it's all right you don't make me feel guilty on a form of a basis it's totally fine everything is showbiz in it for life e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g-s-h-w-b-i-z thanks a lot bye