S4 EP2: John Kearns

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Hi pod fans, Max here in my garden in Melbourne. Just to say that we are doing a live What Did You Do Yesterday on April the 3rd at 4pm at Melbourne Town Hall, I think.

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But if you just Google What Did You Do Yesterday live show Melbourne, me, David, and a special yet to be announced, yet to be worked out guest will be doing an episode.

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So, not for broadcast, just for a live show. So yeah, get your tickets, come and see us. Thanks, bye.

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Podcasts, there are millions of them. Some might say, too many. I have one already.

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I don't have any, because there are enough. Politics, business, sport, you name it, there's a podcast about it, and they all ask the big questions and cover the hot topics of the day.

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But nobody is covering the most important topic of all. Why is that? Are they scared?

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Too afraid of being censored by the man? Possibly, but not us. We're here to ask the only question that matters.

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We try and say it at the same time, Max. What did you do yesterday?

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What did you do yesterday? What did you do yesterday? That's it. All we're interested in is what the guests got up to yesterday, nothing more.

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Day before yesterday, Max? Nope. The greatest and most interesting day of your life? Unless it was yesterday, we don't want to know about it.

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I'm Max Rushden. And I'm David O'Doherty. Welcome to What Did You Do Yesterday? Hello and welcome to today's episode of What Did You Do Yesterday?

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I'm Max Rushden. Alongside me today, it's David O'Doherty. Hi, guys. How are you, David?

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I am at a planning stage, as you get me. I have just had a screen open where I have chosen all the booze I want for my forthcoming birthday party.

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And they deliver it. But nowhere on the website is the click and pay to deliver it.

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So it just says... What do you want? You're getting all the balloons, did you say?

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The booze, I said. Oh, the booze? Yeah. Suddenly I'm so delighted. Your inner child is still there.

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But you've got a premium balloon. You're not supposed to have any balloon. You're on a bespoke balloon website.

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Who are we talking to today, Max? John Kearns. Oh, this is an episode. He is a funny man.

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And this is a great episode. From a stand-up point of view, the most decorated...

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You know, when people say, who's really pushing the whole thing forward at the moment?

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He's the person that comes to mind for me. I'd say the most decorated younger comedian, certainly of the last 10 years.

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He's played various roles on TV. He has an acting side. His last show in Edinburgh, he was pretending to be Michael Ball with Adam Riches and singing very beautifully.

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And it's those things that combine into this day. There's just, there's an incredible honesty to everything that John Kearns does.

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And I think that comes across in this day, Max. And it's just funny. It's funny because...

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You'll notice this when you ask a question, there's a beat and then a man bursts out laughing and then he tells you the bit that he did at that time.

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Is he on tour, David? You're the man furnished with this. It's interesting, isn't it?

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I thought I would be the kind of nuts and bolts, you know, sell the stuff, but you aren't good at it.

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I just realise people aren't doing this podcast for the good of their health sometimes.

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And yeah, John Kearns, like I cannot recommend this enough. His new show is tilting at windmills and he's touring, I think, from February for the rest of next year.

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And it's an extraordinary thing that he does. The first time I ever saw him, he made all the men in the audience come on stage, do a group hug and listen to a Bruce Springsteen song.

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That's not typical of all of his work, but it's... I would like that. Yeah, there's an originality to everything that John Kearns does.

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Yeah, I wasn't expecting any of this. This is what John Kearns did yesterday. John Kearns, welcome to What Did You Do Yesterday?

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Thank you for having me, Max and David. It's a great pleasure. Tell us about your yesterday, John.

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Let's just go straight into this. Oh, wow. No small talk. Yeah, I feel like...

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John's here to tell us about his yesterday. He's probably thought about it a fair bit.

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You know, sometimes we'd have a bit of a name chat here, you know, and nearly always the guest is like, oh, it was quite a boring yesterday or whatever, when we're secretly happy when they say that.

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But something about the look of John just says to me, he had a big yesterday.

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What time did it begin, John? 3 a.m. Wow. Okay, great. Intentionally an alarm, 3 a.m., or like a woken with a start, 3 a.m.?

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Well, I mean, this is obviously for your rival podcast, The Day Before Yesterday. But the day before yesterday, I went to bed at like half nine because I was fucked.

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So you're waking up at 3.30. I'm up. Let's go. Clap your hands. Start the day.

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Bang. I wake up, 3 o'clock, and I'm like, okay, you know, back to sleep. And it does not happen.

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Did you try any tricks? Did you try any tactics or just lie there? I did try some tricks, yeah.

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Let's hear them. I want to hear the tricks. Well, I took my thyroid. I can't remember if it's high or low.

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I don't know what's going on. But I've got to take. I take medication in the morning.

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Now, when you take this medication, you can't eat or drink, preferably for an hour.

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Which ruins my breakfast. However, when I woke up at 3 o'clock, I thought, well, this is a great opportunity to take the medication.

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As much as you can. Take a few weeks' worth, John. At least four hours' worth.

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Take four hours' worth, because you don't need to eat until 7 at the earliest. If I take all of December, January, and February, I could have, you know, like kippers, you know, I could go crazy,

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espressos, whenever I want. So I took my little tablet, and I'm lying there, and I'm tossing and turning.

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I thought about having a shower. No. Oh, come on. What about a book or a podcast?

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Listen to some music. Did you try these things? Yeah, a book. Oh, a book.

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Was it a thriller? Was it too exciting? I've got it here. The man who went into the West.

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Oh, right. Oh, yeah, that seems a good sleepy book by Oras Thomas. A Welsh vicar who wrote poetry.

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But that doesn't get you back to sleep. Well, that didn't get me back to sleep.

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And then the funny thing is, as is, you know, inevitable, I had to be at, right.

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So I'm doing a play at the moment. Oh, wow. And yesterday was a two-show day and the first show was a school's performance at 10.15 in the morning.

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So I had to be at the theatre at half past eight. Is it Jack and the Beanstalk?

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It's not Jack and the Beanstalk. It's Christmas. You know the way sometimes it'll be featuring star of Taskmaster, John Kearns, as Mother Goose.

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Oh, Mother Goose is in it. Oh, really? Yeah, I'm not Mother Goose. It's called Sherlock Holmes and the 12 Days of Christmas in Birmingham.

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But here's the thing, it's three in the morning and you've woken up and you know you've got to be somewhere at half eight and it's on your mind so you can't get back to sleep because you know you don't have that much time.

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So you've got to get back to sleep soon for it to be worthwhile. Yeah.

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That's the situation we find ourselves in. What, between three and eight? You just lie there?

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I was obviously late for work. Why, because you fell back to sleep? I didn't fall back to sleep but you're just, you're buggered.

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Yeah, everything's out of sync. Also, the night before I bought myself from Sainsbury's a pan of chocolate because I thought I'll like that in the morning when I wake up and I thought I can't be late to work carrying a pan of chocolate because they'll think

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well he stopped off to buy one when he was coming late. That's not good.

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So I decided to make myself more late and eat it outside. David, we haven't got to leaving the house yet.

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Yeah, something has happened here that he's not telling us about between Four and eight.

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Yeah, because there was no option to eat the pan of chocolate because of the thyroid medication but that only brings us up to around four, four fifteen.

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So something has happened here. He's read his book about the Welsh poet going into the West and he's like, fuck!

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And the Welsh poet just keeps being like great to see you but now I must kill you.

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You know, it's a haiku. He always so bang! Shoots people. One of those murderous vicars.

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And so John is just dozing off and then he's just machine gunned another, you know, village in Pontypridd or whatever.

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So that keeps John awake for another while. But that still only brings us up to I would say 4.30.

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So there's a two and a half hour window there. Could you tell us anything about that window, John?

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Well, you get a second wind, I guess. I think you start thinking, right, well, it's not going to happen.

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Yeah. What are you going to do with this time? You know, it's almost like free time.

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So I did try and write a sitcom. Opening line, France, 1943. Some English people have got over and joined the French resistance.

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They are pretending to be French. Opening line, good morning. Was that it? Was it a low, a low?

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I wish it was a low, a low. Fucking hell. You take the piss out of all these things, but then when you actually try and write one, you're like, well.

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Had you had at some point the idea for the sitcom and this was the moment, or did you think this is a totally fresh idea and you think it's 4 a.m.,

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the thyroid pill has worn off, I'm two hours away from a panoshock, this is the time for me to write my Curb Your Enthusiasm.

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Well, the reason why I'd gone to bed early was because I was trying to write and I was just not getting anywhere.

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Okay. And so I went, I'm going to bed. But the problem is you wake up and the problem doesn't go away.

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And it's a trick because we all know the tales of Paul McCartney waking up with Yesterday, the song, in his head and he simply just has to transcribe it out then.

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But you're going to say Keeping Up Appearances because that also happened. He woke up famously.

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He wrote all of Keeping Up Appearances and then John Lennon wrote the theme. So it happened.

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And then he was like, what name will I call it? And he looked over and the night before someone had given him a big bouquet that was sitting on the...

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On the table. Hyacinth bouquet. That'll be the name. You know what McCartney woke up...

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You know what the lyric was, don't you? For Yesterday. Oh yeah, it was Scrambled Eggs, wasn't it?

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That's it. What? He had the tune, but he had the lyric Scrambled Eggs. Oh, I've been led to believe he had the whole thing just ready to go.

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Okay, that does... That changes it. It doesn't work for a sitcom because if you just woke up with a whole bunch of gibberish with words that fitted to a sitcom...

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But it's really funny. You put it in front of a studio and they piss themselves.

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That's actually what Mrs. Brown's Boys is. It's just sort of placeholder chat, but it turns out people really like...

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There's a song like that. There's a Three Dog Nights song called Jeremiah was a bullfrog.

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He was a good friend of mine. Never understood a word I said, but he let me drink his wine.

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So they wrote the melody and then just put in placeholder lyrics to show where lyrics would go.

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Joy to the world, boys and the girls. That one. And afterwards, people were just like, these lyrics are great.

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And they mean absolutely nothing. That's like REM. Super happy people holding hands. Shiny happy people.

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Shiny happy people. Yeah, that wasn't supposed to be the lyrics. They were just stuck with it.

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Can we get back to your sitcom, John? How far do you get in the...

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Is there anything written before you wake up? Like before you get up, you'd been trying the night before.

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Honestly, Matt? Yeah, that's what I want. Honesty. I sat for 45 minutes with the first half of the Liverpool match on.

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Yeah. With a legal pad of paper, like the yellow paper. Yeah. Because I heard Seinfeld did that.

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I didn't write. That's a fucking word. I don't think watching football, it's not going to happen watching football.

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So after about half an hour, I agree. I was like, well, that's distracting me.

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It is distracting me. And I thought, right, I'll tell you what, as a treat, if you write a page of something, you can watch more football.

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So you are also dad and son and homework, but you're all the characters in that.

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And you're saying, if you do this, you can watch it. And you're pointing at yourself going, okay, yes, dad.

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That's great. I also love the idea of Seinfeld. He always had to watch the Champions League.

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He'd have to put it on to be like, young boys are burned against Sporting Lisbon.

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I'm going to write the soup Nazi episode. Yeah, I mean, the conditions weren't great.

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So I decided to go to bed early. Yeah. I went, sod it. But I'm interested in the 4am to 6am, because that's yesterday, sitcom writing venture.

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Well, so where I'm staying, I'm next to a building site. At half six, a beep happens, which I don't know if it's, it sounds like a van reversing.

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Roadrunner. But I'm in Birmingham. It sounds, I mean, I don't know how far they're reversing.

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They're like in Edinburgh, because they just keep reversing. So that starts beeping. Right. John.

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Do you get dressed to write the sitcom, or are you just still just, you know, in your pants or whatever?

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No, I was in my pants. You're in your pants. There's a vehicle reversing at 6am.

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It's beeping. And I'm trying to write a sitcom. Yeah. Do you get the fear then, that where are you to go back to sleep, which is unlikely with the beep and the sitcom,

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that you will then sleep in for the matinee show? Well, that starts kicking in, doesn't it?

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Yeah. Yeah, it does. And I wish it was a matinee show. It's 10.15. Yeah. What's that even called?

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Although it is matinee if you're up at three, I suppose. That's it. You're getting into the zone for that.

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Yeah. No one's ever said the best way to go to sleep. And we've had a lot of guests on.

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We asked for their sleep. No one said, what I do is I go near a reversing articulated lorry and then start writing a sitcom.

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And then seconds. Just I'm away. A lot of people try to do lists in their mind.

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John Max likes to start at a and think of names that start with each letter of the alphabet.

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You on the other hand, go to a building site. Okay. At what time do you say, fuck it?

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I'm up now. This is. I mean, this is the issue here. You know, I got to leave the place.

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I got to leave my house by eight o'clock. That's like the latest. And I'm still sharing it.

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Five past eight. It's not good. But then I checked the WhatsApp group and there's a couple of other people late.

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So I send a message saying, yeah, me too. Okay. And that's when I'm staring at this chocolate cross.

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I'm thinking, right. What are we going to do with you? That intrigues me that you don't, I know what I would think, which is just, I'm going to eat that now,

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as opposed to you still ferry it all the way to the theater and then eat it outside.

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How do you get to the theater? Well, hang on, hang on. Clearly the right thing to do here is to put the pan of chocolate in the oven, get in the shower,

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shower, you get out the pan of chocolate is perfect because the difference between a warmed up pastry and a cold pastry, if we're talking, obviously the almond croissant shouldn't be hot,

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but of a plain or a chocolate croissant, it's exponentially better if hot. That would be my tactic, but I haven't been awake since three.

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It's a brilliant tactic. Thanks. It's absolutely super duper, but my tactic was to put it in my pocket after the warmup.

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Got it. Right. But I, when I left this building to go to the theater, and I have to walk under an underpass, it was around about there where I thought you can't walk in because it was still in the Sainsbury's bag from the night before,

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you know, the little bags you get for pastries. Yeah. That's a paper bag. Yeah.

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Yeah. Okay. It looks like I bought it. Yeah. You know, it's like when people are late for meetings and they walk in with like a bag of prep and you're like,

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well, hang about, how about you're on time and you don't get your lunch. I can see what's happened here.

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Yeah. I listened to, uh, an interview with a rugby player recently and rugby only went pro in like the late nineties.

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And there was a match, a Leinster match where one of the second rows arrived in like 40 minutes before kickoff, you know, this is too close to kickoff.

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And he had some bullshit about why he'd been late about childcare. And he had clearly mustard on his face where he'd got a hot dog from the hot dog man.

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At the ground. And that's the moment where they realize we're going to have to try and be professional about this.

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So that's what you're doing. You're trying to be a professional actor. Yeah. Thank you.

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As you know, you can see very professional actors stood outside the stage doors late for work, eating yum yums, panna chocolates, panna rosannes, because they don't want to be eating that inside.

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Gielgud swore by a panna rosanne, didn't he? He did. Yeah. You've read the same books as me, I see.

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Is there any pastry? Like, so you, do you eat it in the underpass? I mean, I start eating it in the underpass.

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Yeah. Got it. Okay. And then as I emerge from the underpass, yeah, about half gone.

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Right. Okay. Also, you like the detail, the jacket I'm wearing is quite cross on colored.

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That's a very good play because then, no one will see the flakes. Fantastic. You were in my brain then.

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Yeah. I want to zero in on the walk to the theater. So where are we?

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What city are we in? We haven't established this yet. Right. I'm in Birmingham. I think we established it when John said, I'm in Birmingham about five minutes ago, but.

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And the Birmingham in England, as opposed to Alabama. Good point, David. We hadn't established that.

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Yeah. Have you gone to that tiny Sainsbury's in Alabama and bought a croissant? I don't know how Sherlock Holmes and the 12 days of Christmas will play in Alabama.

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The music in this show is done by Andrew Lloyd Webber and Tim Rice. Again, I've not been to Alabama, but yeah.

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Well, I don't think their productions are put on there much. I don't know. I don't know.

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I think the mayor comes out to Jellicle cats, doesn't he? He dives out to Jellicle cats each morning.

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Do you, do you dance where you sing? I don't know the words, but you know.

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So my, my building where I'm staying is right next to the train station. Okay.

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So I leave the building. I walk past Harvey Nichols. I hit the underpass. I go down.

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I come back up. There's like a Ferris wheel because it's Christmas. Oh, wow. It's a short skip and a jump to the theater.

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Hang on. That implied you used the Ferris wheel as a means of transport, like that.

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The theater is on the 30th floor of a building. And the only way to get up to it is for you to like one, please.

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And you go up till the Ferris wheel reaches 180 degrees. And then you jump out.

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Let's sort of like super Mario or one of those games. That's what this feels like.

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John. I find Ferris wheels. Although fun. Don't really get you to where you want to go.

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Unless you are where you want it to be in the first place. But you just want to be there a bit later.

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If you want to be exactly where you are, but in like 20 minutes. Yeah. But you say that, but put a Ferris wheel on its side.

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Yeah. And then it's like a small tube. It could go to any number of locations.

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Depends. Like what is the circle line in London? If not just a Ferris wheel, that was pushed over at some point.

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That's lovely. Whenever I walk past it, I think I'm in the third man. Lovely.

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Yes. On more than one occasion, start humming the theme tune. I always want to write a movie or sitcom, sort of like Reggie Perrin, where a protagonist.

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You're not getting up early enough, David. Maybe my suggestion. It's not that easy. The protagonist gets to work every morning.

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On the Dublin Viking Splash Tour, which is an annoying boat where everyone has to wear Viking helmets and shout at pedestrians that go by.

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But there's one person who, for some reason, this is the only way they can get to work.

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So they're just sitting with a briefcase at the back, like trying to read today's paper while everyone else makes seagull sounds at tourists.

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Do you know what? You've said something, that I was thinking about in this period of, there must be a German word for like, I don't know, 3 to 5 a.m.

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where you can't sleep. I don't know. Sitcoms, because everything now is streamlined, everything's on your phone.

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There's no like paraphernalia to fuck about with. What do you mean? Well, like if you're trying to write a farce, say.

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Yeah. You can have some fun with newspapers, with, magazines. Changing clocks. Yeah.

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I can't believe you haven't written this at 3 a.m. Do you remember in the past, do you remember, Max, you'd be on the bus going to school and people would have huge radios and they'd be trying to tune in just to get the headlines.

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Someone would be on an old phone and they'd pick it up to their ear and be like, 100, London, operator.

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You're at Landlines. Landlines, great fun in a farce. Do you not remember on the school bus when there was that guy who ran around changing everyone's time on their watch?

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Everyone had the wrong time because this guy was like, he was so quick. So hang on, we're at the door, we're at the stage door.

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Stage door. The croissant's gone. You're in. How late are you? Seven minutes. Oh, okay.

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Are you the latest or are there others coming after you? Well, that's good, isn't it?

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Yeah. I checked because when you go in, you've got a tick that you're in.

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Yeah, okay. And I looked, there was someone else who hadn't ticked. I thought, brilliant.

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Who were they? They're outside eating a, I don't know, you can fill that in in your head.

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A full baguette. A three foot baguette. Has the warmup begun when you get there?

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And if so, is it one of those, the tip of the tongue, the top of the tits?

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Is it one of those? Yeah. The sleepy squirrel sat on a Sasquatch. Oosk, esk, isk, ask.

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Those, obviously we all tread the boards frequently, but for those who don't, is everyone stood in a circle on the stage?

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Where are we doing this? What's happening? I walk into the theatre and I head straight to the stage.

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Because I'm a bit late. I walk in and everyone is doing a physical warm-up to a Fleetwood Mac song.

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What? Like a dance? Yeah, like a dance. Okay. And because I'm late, the gap at the front where everyone can see your arse, basically, when you're bending over, is free.

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So I have to go there. Right. I get a bit conscious of what I'm doing at the front because everyone can see, when you bend over and stuff.

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Question. John, I've never been in a play. Do you think it's necessary to do a warm-up?

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As in, I do stand-up comedy, usually, and a lot of the time, I'm just making plans to meet people after the show up till 20 seconds before the show starts.

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Do you think it's necessary for the group dynamic to have done something together? For Sherlock Holmes and...

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And the various drummers drumming and other people who make up those 12 Days of Christmas.

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Should you all do it? It's a very good question, actually. Because, like yourself, I don't warm up before doing a show, doing stand-up.

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And this has been very different in that respect, in that, yeah, there's vocal warm-ups, there's physical warm-ups, and there's a discipline and a focus.

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And I think... I will take away from this experience, you know, preheat the oven, get in the shower, and then just, you know, just have it at home.

28:33 - 28:40

Okay, so we... On stage, we're singing, I want to be with you everywhere. You're bending down and your arse is in front of all the...

28:40 - 28:51

How many people are in the... Rhiannon! Dum, dum-dum-dum, dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum. I'm just trying to think of other Fleetwood Mac songs.

28:51 - 28:56

I think it was Sarah. Do you know that song? Yeah, maybe. It's a slow jazz...

28:56 - 29:01

It's a sad song. Yeah, I mean, the... Christian, who's running... Who's, you know, the dance captain.

29:01 - 29:14

Whoa! Who leads the warm-up. Yeah. He picks the music. Question. To a sad song with a warm-up, is there, like, you know, a Sunday League, let's work quads, stew hamstrings,

29:14 - 29:22

or are people just floating about, like I imagine actors would just be, like, doing this, floaty, not great for audio, but you can see what I'm doing, John.

29:22 - 29:29

I'm floating about. He's got his hands above his head, and he's just venturing to the left and the right of the little Zoom screen, listeners.

29:29 - 29:34

So you do little dance moves, and then you're left to do your legs on your own.

29:34 - 29:39

Oh, okay. And then it's like, legs, you do what you've got to do. Oh, right.

29:39 - 29:49

And what do you have to do, John? Well, I try and copy what everyone else is doing, because people do some mad stuff with their legs, and I'm like, right, I better start doing that.

29:49 - 29:56

But I don't think I've got great hips. That's often said about you. Sometimes I think I look like I'm not doing anything.

29:56 - 30:01

Could I just step back here for a moment? What is the show you're in?

30:01 - 30:10

It's for kids and families. If you're doing a half, ten, you know, it's not a harrowing pinter play or whatever.

30:10 - 30:21

They could be studying this. I guess they could be. But 10.30 is very early if it was something really heavy, I feel.

30:21 - 30:26

No, it's not. It's like a music. It's called comedy. Okay. I mean, the kids don't laugh at it, but, you know.

30:26 - 30:34

John. It's supposed to be. How far into the run are we? Third of the way through.

30:34 - 30:38

Third of the way through. Oh, wow. It's the third of the way through. Yeah, we're really into it now.

30:38 - 30:40

It's great. Or is it third? It's like, oh, shit, I've got loads of these to do.

30:40 - 30:49

Why did I say I'd do this? Well, I've got about 50 shows to do in 30 days.

30:49 - 31:05

And it's Christmas. Yeah, it is. It's hard work. It seems really hard work. It's made me think about stand up a lot and think, my God, I mean, Jesus, you're just walking out there and you just crack on.

31:05 - 31:15

Yeah, no Fleetwood Mac whatsoever. Straight on then. I keep thinking, right, you know, I'm not belting out tunes here and spinning around.

31:15 - 31:21

I keep thinking about the guy who plays Michael Jackson in the musical in the West End.

31:21 - 31:36

Yes. I would love to talk to him because he must be absolutely fucked. And also he's been doing it for 15 years as well.

31:36 - 31:42

Yeah, exactly. He's not rocked up and they're like, yeah, do you think you could do this?

31:42 - 31:56

He knows he could do it. He was the best and got the job. It's not a great example, though, just because Sherlock Holmes hasn't been in the news in the last 15 years.

31:56 - 32:08

We know allegations about Sherlock Holmes. And then the question I would have for not Michael Jackson is when he was very much in the news and revelations were coming out,

32:08 - 32:18

was that performance affected by that? You know, was there a bit where he kind of looked to the audience and was like, oh, I just sort of shrugged his shoulders.

32:18 - 32:36

Moon walked off stage. Having to play an energetic, alleged pedophile twice a day for years who's regarded as one of the best singers and dancers of all time.

32:36 - 32:44

You have to fully go for it, I feel. There's no halfway house. He must be fucking knackered.

32:44 - 32:59

He must be exhausted. Mentally and physically, morally and also his leg up. John, who are you playing in Sherlock Holmes and the 12 Days of Christmas?

32:59 - 33:09

I play Inspector Lestrade. Okay. Who got Holmes? Who's Holmes? Max, you'll know him. And David, you'll know him.

33:09 - 33:17

Is it Darren Anderton? Is it Zelensky? That would be weird, actually. No, Zelensky's the understudy.

33:17 - 33:31

That'd be another weird one where when Zelensky, walks out, he would be checking his phone a lot to see if von der Leyen had committed European armaments to him.

33:31 - 33:37

You know, it would be distracting. Yeah, he's always on his phone. Lighting his face up in the wing.

33:37 - 33:55

No, you'll like this. Sherlock Holmes is, and also the play was written by, David Reed and the recently chairman of Communities at Wrexham Football Club, Humphrey Kerr.

33:55 - 34:01

Wow. He's a nice guy. He's a lovely guy, Humphrey Kerr. Humphrey Kerr is Sherlock Holmes.

34:01 - 34:08

He's Sherlock Holmes. The man who got the Hollywood guys into Wrexham. And isn't he on the board of Wrexham?

34:08 - 34:14

So is he on his phone trying to sign Kiefer Moore? Well, he is. Yeah.

34:14 - 34:25

Like, on a Saturday, he's checking the score. Yeah. Does he mention it during the show?

34:25 - 34:30

Is it one of those sort of pantos where you can bring in topical elements?

34:30 - 34:38

He doesn't mention Wrexham, no. Okay. But he gets recognized. People come up to him from the Disney doc.

34:38 - 34:45

Right. Is there anyone else that we would know in the show? Any other football chairman?

34:45 - 34:52

Is Sam Hamamm in it? Is Sir Bert Millichip in it? Well, Mother Goose is the Nottingham

34:52 - 35:04

Forest chairman. The Greek guy. Evangelos Maranakis. That does change it. Yeah, you should see his dressing room.

35:04 - 35:15

Who was the Chelsea chairman in the 90s? Ken Bates. Ken Bates. He's wandering around.

35:15 - 35:22

I'm sure he's not, but you know what I mean. Yeah, of course. They've set him up like a weekend at Bernie's, like on a golf cart.

35:22 - 35:31

Yeah. Sherlock Holmes wheels him around like that. Okay, now we're getting somewhere. We've done the warm-up.

35:31 - 35:38

We've had the warm-up. You've got to put on your inspector costume. Yeah, so I go upstairs and put on my inspector costume.

35:38 - 35:44

Is it nice? Do you like it? Is it fun? So I'm the only person in the cast who doesn't have a costume change.

35:44 - 35:52

Nice. That's good. So no one really knocks on my door. So I'm kind of on my own.

35:52 - 36:02

I'm on my own for a bit. Okay. And I've got to wear a – it's a genuine Victorian suit, so it's bloody hot.

36:02 - 36:11

Oh, is it quite tight as well? It's tight. It's a three-piece. I've got to put my microphone on, and I've got a hat and a whistle.

36:11 - 36:16

Okay. So I get dressed and just sit and wait. Do you doom scroll? Dressed like that.

36:16 - 36:20

Do you just sit in silence, or is this the time to do word law?

36:20 - 36:28

I light a candle. What? And I play some music, and I wait for the beginner's call.

36:28 - 36:33

Do you know it? So how far into the run are we at this point?

36:33 - 36:41

We've done three weeks. Okay. So you are very comfortable with it. There's no have another look at the script or anything?

36:41 - 36:50

You could absolutely smash this out. We did get notes on Friday from the director, which I read yesterday morning, actually.

36:50 - 37:06

For people? For people who are not of the theatre. Notes maybe from a director who has directed it and then left the show for a week or two, come back to see it, and it's gone to shit because everyone's just started.

37:06 - 37:10

The second violin fancies you a bit. It's like a note like that, and then it's just passed around.

37:10 - 37:17

Are there big notes for John Kearns? There was quite a lot of notes, yeah.

37:17 - 37:24

No, no. Good ones? Do you want to hear one? Yeah. Max especially will like this note.

37:24 - 37:37

I mean, the basic note is... And I appreciate this note, but it's basically like, remember it's the first time you're saying this.

37:37 - 37:44

Oh. Is that a good note? I guess it is. No, no, no. I'll show you the detail of the note.

37:44 - 37:51

I don't think the director will mind me reading this out. If he says, do this one more time and you'll never act in this town again.

37:51 - 37:57

That's why. Again, I would just like to clarify that I think this is a good note from the director.

37:57 - 38:07

Basically, after a line that I say, build euphoria as you realize what the queen has done.

38:07 - 38:14

You're back in the ranks, whistle in mouth, beating up communists with the lads. No more responsibility.

38:14 - 38:22

No more paperwork. I've just been given by the queen a demotion, which my character's very happy.

38:22 - 38:29

Because it means he doesn't have to work hard. Got it. Think Marco Tardelli's goal celebration, World Cup 82.

38:29 - 38:46

Raise the stake. That's a great note. So yesterday morning when I'm sat dressed as a Victorian policeman, I watched that clip thinking, do I know that clip?

38:46 - 38:49

And then as soon as I saw it, I went, oh, yeah, I know what this is.

38:49 - 38:54

Yeah, you know that clip. But I did think that it. It would be funny if I actually did do that.

38:54 - 39:05

Go full Tardelli. It's different to what I thought it was just from that note, as in the traditional 12 days of Christmas.

39:05 - 39:12

At no point in that are communists beaten up to the best. Ten commie bastards.

39:12 - 39:22

Nine Marco Tardelli's. I get what he was saying there. That's kind of the vibe of the note.

39:22 - 39:26

That I was getting. It was just a bit like, you know, go bigger with it.

39:26 - 39:35

But that must be weird if you're so used to, you know, because even if you do a stand-up show that's kind of the same show night after night, it is every time you deliver it,

39:35 - 39:40

it is kind of new because it's a new audience and all that. Whereas when it's so scripted and you, I guess you have to stick to it.

39:40 - 39:47

They seem very, even though they're sort of adjacent skills and things, they're really different.

39:47 - 39:59

Yeah. You know, obviously a play is, it's written and you do the words, but there are times that you think, well, that joke isn't working.

39:59 - 40:10

So that needs to go. And it's just made me realize with stand-up, whenever you open a show, that show has been written with an audience every step of the way.

40:10 - 40:19

A play, you rehearse it for seven weeks and you open it and you just, fingers crossed, it's good.

40:22 - 40:28

The stakes are so high. Yeah. Yeah. Shakespeare's just going, I'm just doing some work in progress, Merchant of Venice.

40:28 - 40:32

It probably wasn't even that. It was probably like, you know, the banker of Bergamo.

40:32 - 40:37

And then he was like, actually, it's not working. You know, just to have, I haven't really thought this through, guys.

40:37 - 40:47

This is a better way to do plays. Well, he nicked them. Come on. Well, there is that.

40:47 - 40:52

He nicked most of it. So he watched. You can't say that. You can't say that on this show.

40:52 - 40:59

It's a podcast. He hates his podcast. I like the idea, right? I was very sure to say alleged pedophile about Michael Jackson.

40:59 - 41:07

But with Shakespeare, I just went two footed. Yeah. Shakespeare went on parenting hell and absolutely called us out.

41:07 - 41:15

He said a bunch of fuckers who just drone on to what people had for breakfast.

41:15 - 41:21

What's the point of that? Yeah. So I'm biting back. Tim Key told me he got arsed on parenting hell.

41:21 - 41:38

I was like. I've got a four-year-old. They haven't asked me before you. John, I want to know what it's like doing a school's only 1030 version of Sherlock Holmes and the 12 Days of Christmas.

41:38 - 41:47

What's the vibe like? Weird, I'd say. How old are they? Oh, well, yesterday they were between eight and ten.

41:47 - 41:56

Is that too young or is that the right age? The school shows and yesterday was no different.

41:56 - 42:02

All you hear is rustling. They don't laugh. They haven't got a clue what's going on.

42:02 - 42:10

You just hear rappers. It's like you walk out there. It's just like white noise.

42:10 - 42:19

It's very difficult because you're doing these lines. You're doing a show to just absolutely nothing.

42:22 - 42:29

But then there's a scene. Then there is a scene. Yeah. Blackout. They love that.

42:29 - 42:42

It is Beatlemania. They are going mad. Just because the lights are off. Do you think they're punching each other?

42:42 - 42:49

Well, there's a camera backstage which lights the pianist and you can see them behind him.

42:49 - 42:56

And because it's dark, I don't think anyone can see them. They are stood on their chairs.

42:56 - 43:07

They're just like screaming. 800 of them. 800. Honestly, it is so funny. They are going mad.

43:07 - 43:17

And then the scene ends with Mother Goose. Well, I can say it. Mother Goose has his head cut off in a guillotine.

43:17 - 43:25

Oh, shit. But it's done very well. So they scream and then they actually scream.

43:25 - 43:35

And yesterday, to answer your question, David, I felt maybe one of them was a bit upset and she was crying in the front.

43:35 - 43:49

Like this is their, probably for a lot of them, their first ever experience of a thing that they didn't even know existed, that the people are standing there doing the film live.

43:49 - 43:55

The chairman of Nottingham Forrest. Yeah, they've just decapitated him. And she's a big Forest fan.

43:55 - 44:03

She needs to get older. That's actually sad. Roman Abramovich has come back in. That's Ken Bates in sunglasses.

44:03 - 44:15

Watch his horn. Yeah, but put yourself into the mindset of when you were eight and the smallest thing would basically dominate the day.

44:15 - 44:20

Like say part of your school was getting painted. You would just be like, wow.

44:22 - 44:30

Nevermind getting on a bus. I'm going to Birmingham Town Hall to see. A man have his head cut.

44:30 - 44:47

Exactly. At a subsidized rate. Yes, while eating crisps. God knows what they're eating. It's mad.

44:47 - 45:03

Honestly, the sound is mad. You know, when I start to stand up again and all that, I'll think, well, it's not as bad as just having eight hundred eight-year-olds eating many pledges thinking, don't understand anything that you're doing,

45:03 - 45:10

but you turn the lights off, they're in. Is there an interval? Yeah. There is. Okay.

45:10 - 45:14

So how long do you get for that? What happens in the interval as well?

45:14 - 45:20

So it's about 20 minutes. They've got one of those, you don't have to boil kettles.

45:21 - 45:32

There's things where the water's already boiled. Yeah, quokka. Yeah, that's great, that. So I walked off stage, and then I went straight to the kitchen, got myself a cup of tea.

45:32 - 45:36

Interruption, is this your first tea of the day, or have you had many teas and coffees before?

45:36 - 45:41

In our world, you've only had one pan of chocolate, that's all you've had. This is my second cup of tea of the day.

45:41 - 45:49

Okay. I had one when I was getting ready. My milk is in my room.

45:49 - 45:58

There's a little fridge. Yeah, the milk weren't great. It's on the turn. Well, when I put it in the tea, it was like speckly.

45:58 - 46:07

You can't do the inspector unless you're planning on barfing over the pianist and the first few rows.

46:07 - 46:15

This is speckly milk. Can you knock on Sherlock Holmes' door and say, do you have any milk?

46:15 - 46:21

He's on the phone trying to get Ryan Shawcross to play the end of the season.

46:21 - 46:29

He's busy, man. He's busy. So I got a cup of tea and do you know what? Yesterday was the first day that I did this.

46:29 - 46:36

I was invited into another dressing room. Sounds fun. Usually I just go and sit on my own and, you know, sit there.

46:36 - 46:43

But Helena and Margaret went, do you want to come in and have your tea with us?

46:43 - 46:50

What are their characters? Oh, well, Margaret plays four characters. Oh, wow. She's like a comedic powerhouse.

46:51 - 47:00

And then Helena plays like Sherlock Holmes' rival. Moriarty. Well, basically she plays that kind of role.

47:00 - 47:07

Do they have a tea as well? And what do you talk about? Well, Helena asked me if I was writing at the moment.

47:07 - 47:11

Well, we know that. And then I told her that I tried to write a sitcom that morning.

47:11 - 47:19

I'm also doing a stand-up tour two months from the day we are recording this.

47:19 - 47:34

And I also need to write that as well. So I said to Helena basically I decided in the interval of each show to write on a post-it note at least one funny idea.

47:34 - 47:42

Oh yeah. Because it's like you've got 15 minutes. Just get something on a bit of paper.

47:42 - 47:59

Whether it be a line, an idea, just something. So then when I come out of this January 18, I've got 60 bits of things which I can hopefully whip up into a show.

47:59 - 48:13

Get a minute out of each one and then you've got the whole show. It's different to my halftime plan, John, which is, and Max has mocked this in the past, I always think halftime would be the ideal time to commit a crime.

48:13 - 48:20

Like a heist or whatever. Because you be your honour, how could I have done it?

48:20 - 48:27

I was doing a play and you could bring in the 800 children then who would all remember.

48:27 - 48:38

It's like the interval is one of those rare times in life where someone thinks, well, we can't bother him.

48:38 - 48:46

But they could bother you in the interval, but they won't because they think you're doing a play. It's like if you said to someone, oh, I'm going to go to the cinema.

48:46 - 49:01

But then you don't. They think, oh, I can't, he's gone to see that film. But for two hours, you're just free. That's it. That could be what Humphrey Kerr is doing while he's pretending to be trying to buy an emergency defender till the end of the season.

49:01 - 49:16

He's gone off and robbed our price. Or a shop that maybe still exists. Question at this point, how's the inspector going down? Do you feel he is connecting with the kids?

49:16 - 49:24

I really try and connect with the kids. Eight-year-olds famously love Mark O. Tardelli's goal celebration at the 1982 World Cup.

49:24 - 49:45

Well, that line, specifically that line that I've just given the note for, it is quite funny because the line is, for all my hard work, Queen Victoria says, I'm going to promote you from Inspector Lestrade to Sergeant Lestrade.

49:45 - 49:56

I then, having bowed, stand up and say, I think that's a demotion technically, but with fewer responsibilities, the Lord be praised.

49:56 - 50:08

I'm actually happy about it. In a kid's show, she goes, I'm promoting you from Inspector Lestrade to Sergeant Lestrade.

50:08 - 50:20

Now, whereas usually all the adults laugh, the kids cheer. Yes, he's made it. So I stand there and say, thank you.

50:21 - 50:29

They won't get me going, that's a demotion. They just go, absolutely. Do you know what kids love? Justice.

50:29 - 50:40

They absolutely love people getting their flowers. Even if they're cheering something that they don't actually understand.

50:40 - 50:47

Maybe, John, that's something we all lose as we get older, whereas naturally it is within us.

50:47 - 50:57

How does part two go? Same? Or do you feel the kids have now adapted? They've gone to the teachers and gone, is this what it is? And teachers are like,

50:57 - 51:14

yeah, and now they're big theatre buffs. It's more rustling. It's more rustling. I'll put this detail in. I was talking about the screaming. I'm stood behind a piece of scenery because I have to move it after the screaming stops.

51:14 - 51:25

The screaming was so pure. I was laughing and then I genuinely started crying. Wow.

51:25 - 51:38

You've been up since three in the morning. He's shat himself. You know what? This is the great thing about this podcast. It just makes you realise why you do things throughout the day.

51:38 - 51:48

And me crying in a theatre that's completely blacked out with 800 kids screaming was because I'd woken up at three in the morning.

51:48 - 52:01

But again, this podcast is very interesting. It makes you realise the filters you put on your life to get through the day. But really it's just look back six hours.

52:01 - 52:07

What were you doing? You ain't beat true. That's why that looks like that. No, I'm sorry.

52:07 - 52:15

I shouldn't have interrupted you. You had a moment there. You were allowed to have a moment, a real moment where you went oh, this is beautiful. Well, I just got emotional and I just thought, oh God,

52:15 - 52:31

there's such an innocence here. Hey, you said that these kids weren't that into it. It sounds to me like they're very into it. And it sounds to me, you are having a genuine response. And while being into it sounds may not be the same

52:31 - 52:39

as the evening show full of old Taskmaster nerds, this may be a truer artistic experience. I completely agree.

52:39 - 52:49

Because at 8.15, when I'm walking in, wiping crumbs from my, well, I don't need to do it on my jacket, but you know, my face.

52:49 - 52:55

Of course, yeah. I am thinking God, this isn't really why I got into this. The kids, the reactions.

52:55 - 53:09

So, in the second half, I have a scene where I have to throw a knife. Now, through the, you know, magic of theatre, the knife is on a bit of elastic up my sleeve.

53:09 - 53:20

Oh, wow. So when I let go it flies up my sleeve. I have to stand in front of the kids, hold up the knife, and basically Sherlock Holmes sits up behind me.

53:21 - 53:29

And I don't know he's there. So they're screaming like crazy. I hold it for as long as I possibly can.

53:29 - 53:42

And the pianist who is in my, he's in the pit, he kind of plays this like, and he's looking at me like, throw that fucking knife.

53:42 - 53:57

I hold it until these kids are absolutely blue in the face. And then I throw the knife. So they love that bit. And like I said, they love justice. And then

53:57 - 54:04

they, at the end, clap like, they kind of, somebody said it was like quite a Soviet North Korean.

54:04 - 54:16

Like, they're going, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Do they get a standing O? No, they don't know what that is. Okay, fine.

54:16 - 54:23

No, they do, and they just weren't that into it. Yeah, yeah. Everyone's a critic.

54:23 - 54:34

Yeah. Afterwards, do you get straight out of Inspector Lestrade? Yeah, God, man, I put some shorts on. Shorts? And are you going to hang around the theatre now? Because this is a Wednesday.

54:34 - 54:44

And what time's the next show? So it finished at ten past one, and then I have to be back at twenty-five past two.

54:44 - 54:50

Oh, my goodness. Have you got three shows or two yesterday? Two. There's no evening show yesterday?

54:50 - 54:57

No, not yesterday. There is this evening. How long have you got, an hour? About an hour. The Ferris wheel.

54:57 - 55:15

He goes on the Ferris wheel for a full hour. So yesterday I quickly got changed, and I ran out, and the plan was to look and buy maybe a Christmas jumper.

55:15 - 55:26

Because today is Christmas jumper day. For the cast? And in schools as well. Oh, okay. It's a big thing. Alright, yeah.

55:26 - 55:41

So we got an email going, we're going to have Christmas jumper day. Inspector Lestrade can't just come out in a Christmas jumper. That would fundamentally change the nature of the piece. You can't kill communists in a Christmas jumper.

55:41 - 55:49

No, it was, well that's an interesting point, because I was like, when are we going to be in the jumpers?

55:49 - 55:54

Like, my son's wearing one at school today, and he's going to be in that all day.

55:54 - 56:01

But for us, it's like... Just to say hello and then see you later. You have to get it on and go, right, yeah, same tomorrow, one o'clock. Well, yeah.

56:01 - 56:10

I didn't end up buying one, because I left. I had a phone call from a friend, and I was walking around Birmingham near the Bullring.

56:10 - 56:18

I was talking to him, and it got to a point where I was like, I've got to go, mate, because this is my lunchtime, and I need to eat.

56:18 - 56:24

Well, this is what I'm saying. This podcast makes you think about your decisions. Oh, no.

56:24 - 56:31

A real look has come over your face now. Did you eat a fox? Did you hunt and kill a fox? Did you eat Joe Lycett?

56:31 - 56:36

He's a national treasure. You can't eat Lycett. I need to get back to him, actually. He messaged me.

56:36 - 56:44

Well, yeah, he did message me, yeah. What did you have for lunch? Well, right. I needed something hot and quick.

56:44 - 56:56

Big Mac. Six pints. I did walk into McDonald's. However, I stood in front of that machine and went, no, you do not do this.

56:56 - 57:08

Yeah, yeah, okay, wow. So I walked out. Question. Was it because the machine was on the fritz? You know what I mean? Did the machine need to be the one that pushed you out?

57:08 - 57:16

Or did you, John Kearns, approach the machine and say no? I approached the machine and said, what, you think you're better than me?

57:16 - 57:26

Yeah! Here we go. You punch Ronald McDonald in the face. Ronald comes over. You smash Hamburglar with your elbow. There's carnage.

57:26 - 57:33

That's what I do. I walk into fast food restaurants and say to them, you don't own me.

57:33 - 57:41

I can do what I want. You shouldn't have got changed. It'd be better if you'd done it as Lestrade. Yeah, definitely.

57:41 - 57:46

I'd have my bowler hat on and my shorts. Yeah. Tell me you went to Burger King at a Whopper meal.

57:46 - 57:52

Is that why? Look, I went to Greg's. I got a tuna baguette and two yum-yums.

57:52 - 58:03

What were the yum-yums? What were the yum-yums? They're yum-yums. But yum-yums is a generic term for all of the delicious things.

58:03 - 58:17

No, no. These are called yum-yums. Oh, are they actually called yum-yums? Well, I hope so. Otherwise, they're I can't be a grown man cooking machines at McDonald's and then walking into Greg's, asking for yum-yums. Wearing a bowler hat and shorts.

58:17 - 58:27

And a knife in your hand that shoots up your wrist. I get tasered at the Christmas market.

58:27 - 58:37

Where's Inspector Lazard? He's got tasered again today. He got tasered halfway up the Ferris wheel.

58:38 - 58:46

But yum-yum is some more pastry. You're adding to your pastry of the day. That's why I'm saying I'm a bit embarrassed to admit that. No, you shouldn't be.

58:46 - 58:56

Pastry is delicious. Wait till you see you have a dinner. That's the problem. I know people who have been, now this seems pretty high-end, the production you're in.

58:56 - 59:14

I know people who've had to tour regional schools doing King Lear three times a day because it's on the exams. And famously they all get smashed at four in the afternoon because they have nothing else to do. And then

59:14 - 59:24

all end up having affairs and stuff because they've lost their minds. I can see how that happens. But yours is such a high-end production.

59:24 - 59:28

We don't think you're going to have an affair. That's what we're saying. It seems unlikely.

59:28 - 59:42

Well, I went to an all-boys school and you start like fancying dinner ladies. For sure. For sure. You know, you spend enough time with people, you're like, well, I mean, I don't know.

59:42 - 59:54

I can see how it happens. I can see how everything happens. So, the afternoon show, it's obviously another school group. You're not going to get actual people in. No, it could be the Blue Ritz Brigade. This could be 90-year-olds.

59:54 - 1:00:02

It's the Grey Pound. Yeah. Is it really? Two o'clock show is you know, 70-quid tickets matinee. What?

1:00:02 - 1:00:13

And it's a very different response then, I would say. So, yeah, I have my lunch. I've go back, and then it's rinse and repeat. It's getting that costume back on again.

1:00:13 - 1:00:22

I knock on the door. I had to pick out of a Rose's tin the Secret Santa person that I'd got.

1:00:22 - 1:00:33

Shit. Who have you got? I've got one of the costume people. And this feels like quite a, for want of a better word, a woke thing.

1:00:33 - 1:00:42

Oh, my God. Secret Santa has gone woke. Well, you've got to write what you like.

1:00:42 - 1:00:48

That's not woke. I don't think that's woke. No, it is. That is Secret Santa gone mad.

1:00:48 - 1:00:54

You can't even do Secret Santa anymore. It's just Santa. There's no secret. If you're allergic to anything, what do you like?

1:00:54 - 1:01:04

I think there's a difference between if you give me chicken satay, I'll die of anaphylactic shock. That's one thing.

1:01:04 - 1:01:10

And do you know what? I really like Haribo. That is, I'm with you. I think that's not Secret Santa.

1:01:10 - 1:01:14

That's just Santa, isn't it? It's not even Santa. It's going, I like that. Get me that.

1:01:14 - 1:01:18

Is there a budget that you're not allowed to go past with the Secret Santa?

1:01:18 - 1:01:24

£5, £10. It'd be really funny if it was £30,000. What did you say you liked, John?

1:01:24 - 1:01:33

I just went everything. Great. But what I got, number one thing she likes, bees, rackets, and dogs.

1:01:33 - 1:01:37

Bees and dogs? A bee dog? How are you going to get a bee dog for £5?

1:01:38 - 1:01:45

I was laughing about, you know you can buy them frozen. What, frozen bees? Yeah, and then they wake up.

1:01:45 - 1:01:52

What? You can't buy frozen bees. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. They're asleep. They're frozen.

1:01:52 - 1:01:57

And they're like, people who have hives do it all the time. What, they freeze bees?

1:01:57 - 1:02:09

You can't freeze bees. Please. I am not making this up. You have been done up.

1:02:09 - 1:02:15

You can get bees in the post. Are they like in a little bed and they all just like they rub their, they've got so many eyes.

1:02:15 - 1:02:22

They rub every single compound eye. It takes ages. It takes fucking forever because every single eye they have to rub it like this and then they go.

1:02:22 - 1:02:36

Big stretch. Bees and dogs. I'm looking at this bit of paper like, fuck it, I don't need this. Why can't it say like, I don't know, dairy milk?

1:02:36 - 1:02:42

Something just, you know, easy fucking beezy. What are you going to get? Get her a Dachshund and dress it as a bee.

1:02:42 - 1:02:55

The next thing was creative things. Yeah. So I'm going to go down the line. There's got to be a stationary shot that sells like a rubber in the shape of a bee.

1:02:55 - 1:03:08

It doesn't have to be. I'd say categorically, it doesn't have to be. Oh, fucking hell. And then she's allergic to licorice. Okay.

1:03:08 - 1:03:16

I'm hoping I've held up that bit of paper the right way. Oh no, she's allergic to bees and she loves licorice.

1:03:16 - 1:03:27

You give her a sack of frozen bees. Trying to cancel the dog I've sent to her house.

1:03:27 - 1:03:46

An XL bully or whatever they're called. Idea. John, Max recently, he does his radio show with Charlie Baker. Yep. And Charlie Baker's daughter, recently he found a lady bird in her ear. He did, yeah.

1:03:46 - 1:03:58

So, is it possible you could stuff a dog with bees such that, you know, when you pat it, just some bees come out of its ears then?

1:03:58 - 1:04:07

It's just an idea. I can draw it. Perfect. And five pound on glitter, make it look nice.

1:04:08 - 1:04:17

Tell us about the second show. Come on. So, you know, again, it's very much exactly the same. So, I'm in my costume.

1:04:17 - 1:04:33

I go downstairs. You just do it again. And it's a different vibe, obviously, because as Max pointed out, it's the oldies. And they're there, you know, it's Sherlock Holmes, it's Andrew Lloyd Webber,

1:04:33 - 1:04:40

it's, you know, they're thinking. Ticks a lot of boxes for them. Hang on, but Andrew Lloyd Webber didn't write this. He wrote the music.

1:04:40 - 1:04:48

Did he? Is this a well-known show? It's a new, new song. Six new songs by Andrew Lloyd Webber and Tim Rice.

1:04:48 - 1:04:56

They both came. Did they? To Birmingham to see you? Yes. And what did they say afterwards?

1:04:56 - 1:05:06

Well, Tim Rice, very nice. He hangs around, you know, drinks, all that. Yeah. This is the man who wrote Aladdin, Beauty and the Beast, Lion King. Wow.

1:05:06 - 1:05:17

Andrew Lloyd Webber, didn't say hello. Did he tweet afterwards that he just had the worst evening of his life?

1:05:17 - 1:05:28

That's what Lloyd Webber does. I've just had the worst evening of my life. My life. It's my new show.

1:05:28 - 1:05:41

For the blue slash grey rinse, are you demoted from Inspector Desarge? I'd say you are. There's no way they're treating that as...

1:05:41 - 1:05:50

They laugh at that. They're laughing at everything. They love this. Yeah, well, not everything, but yeah, it's very much two o'clock, bang.

1:05:50 - 1:05:54

Standing ovation, or is it like as soon as it finishes, they're off to get...

1:05:54 - 1:06:00

Yeah, they're off. Yeah, they are a bit off, but, you know, nice clap. You have a nice clap. You do your bow.

1:06:00 - 1:06:06

Yeah. Everyone says their lines in the right place. When there's the blackout, do they punch each other?

1:06:08 - 1:06:27

No, but they do ooh at the guillotine. Yeah. Like, it's that good. Okay, so you've done your working day, and it's bloody four o'clock, half four. Now, granted, you've been up for 13 hours already. Yeah.

1:06:27 - 1:06:44

What do you do afterwards? So, yesterday, it finished at half five. I went straight upstairs, got changed and met my friend who was watching the show at 5.45 by the Ferris wheel.

1:06:44 - 1:06:54

Oh, great. Is it Lenny Henry or Jack, what's his name, who plays for Manchester City and has moved to Everton recently?

1:06:54 - 1:07:01

Played for Ireland. Lenny Henry and Jack Grealish. Yeah, was it Lenny Henry and Jack Grealish, the three of you, on the Ferris wheel?

1:07:01 - 1:07:10

It was, well, it was Daniel, David. Daniel Kitson. Yes. Great. Had he come up to see it?

1:07:10 - 1:07:14

He had. Did he enjoy it? He did. He said he was glad he came.

1:07:14 - 1:07:24

He did give some notes, but Euphoria. Euphoria. Think Maradona. Yeah. When he's on coke.

1:07:24 - 1:07:32

Where he goes up to the camera and he holds either side of it at USA 94 and screams down the lens.

1:07:32 - 1:07:37

Yeah. You do that to the audience. Where do you guys go? Do you hang out?

1:07:38 - 1:07:47

So, yeah, we walk to a Chinese restaurant that he wants to go to. Great. Are you happy with the choice?

1:07:47 - 1:07:57

Yeah. It's good in there. But we're not allowed in the main bit because they're busy. So we get put in like a little conservatory. Okay.

1:07:57 - 1:08:08

So Daniel Kitson, wonderful comedian, used to overorder famously and all, not famously, but used to order too much.

1:08:08 - 1:08:19

Does he still order too much? I thought his order was big. He kept asking me, how hungry am I? How hungry were you? I was quite hungry because I hadn't really eaten that day, as you know.

1:08:19 - 1:08:27

But he doesn't eat meat. Oh, yeah. So I had to get chili beef and duck pancakes for myself.

1:08:27 - 1:08:33

And then I panicked and ordered some broccoli. Great. But I didn't eat any of that. Right.

1:08:33 - 1:08:43

So we had a nice chat and had a nice Chinese meal. Great. Waiting staff were like, whatever. Yeah.

1:08:43 - 1:08:48

Hang on, interruption. The trouble with a Chinese meal is the pancake is the best bit.

1:08:48 - 1:08:54

And you have that at the start and then everything you get afterwards is a bit sad because it's not as nice as the crispy duck.

1:08:54 - 1:08:59

Well, do you know what? They bought the pancake over and then didn't bring anything else over.

1:08:59 - 1:09:06

And it was like the guy was waiting for me to finish. All the duck. And I was like, oh, man, I don't want to eat all of this.

1:09:06 - 1:09:20

Yeah. But I had to eat all. He wasn't coming over. I could see him staring at me. And I was eating these pancakes like, well, I presume they'll bring the other dishes. He waited until I had eaten every last bit of that duck. How many

1:09:20 - 1:09:25

pancakes do you reckon you had? Well, it came in that little tin. Yeah. Six. Six.

1:09:25 - 1:09:42

I saw an Instagram reel recently and a woman had a fork and she was forking into the duck, dunking the duck into the hoist and taking a little bit of the carrot and

1:09:42 - 1:09:57

whatever the green thing is and then getting the pancake and putting it over her mouth and then just simply burying the fork full into the pancake that's over the proverbial cake hole.

1:09:57 - 1:10:03

So if you're in a rush, if the guy was staring at you, you know what I mean?

1:10:03 - 1:10:17

Like, I can't imagine a situation where you're going to be murdered if you can't eat ten pancakes in a minute. But if I was, that's the system that I would use.

1:10:17 - 1:10:29

Well, he wasn't budging until I'd finished my pancakes. So by the time you got the other stuff, were you basically full? Well, that was the thing. That broccoli, I'm like, well, I don't want that now.

1:10:29 - 1:10:37

And then I walked Daniel to the train station. A true gentleman went in for a little kiss.

1:10:37 - 1:10:53

I held his bike while he went and bought some mince. Beef mince or pepper mince? Why is he taking mince on the train back to London? I don't know Daniel Kitson, but all I know is he organises that football match.

1:10:53 - 1:11:03

But he famously likes 500 grams of beef mince on every train journey. It was some spearmint mince. Spearmint mince, okay.

1:11:03 - 1:11:11

And he bought a double decker. Oh, lovely. My friend Nick just sent me a double decker from the UK and it was really delicious.

1:11:11 - 1:11:19

So that was his little train treat. Oh, lovely. This is about half seven now. He must be knackered. Well, you're going to love this.

1:11:19 - 1:11:28

Yeah. It's the theatre Christmas party that night. Oh no, we can't be doing that. Because you don't have to give the dog filled with bees tonight.

1:11:28 - 1:11:48

I get a text from some cast members. Saying, miss you. Oh no. Emotional blackmail. You've been with them all day. Oh yeah, because you haven't turned up. No, because I went for the Chinese. Yeah.

1:11:48 - 1:12:03

So I text saying, I'm coming. Oh yeah, great. You're a team player. Are they all shit-faced when you arrive? Is everyone like absolutely lasered? So I get in a black cab and it's only about five minutes.

1:12:03 - 1:12:09

So I tell the driver that I've got a bad knee. Because I don't want him to think I'm lazy.

1:12:09 - 1:12:17

I get dropped at the pub and I tell you what, it has worked out in my favour.

1:12:17 - 1:12:24

I haven't been in this pub. They've got a little section and they've got football on.

1:12:24 - 1:12:36

Massive screens. Okay, good. Real Madrid, Man City. Arsenal, wherever they were playing. It's not great for a Christmas party vibe though, if you're just sitting there.

1:12:37 - 1:12:43

With a bag of mints. Immediately he starts writing a sitcom. The football's on, the party's happening.

1:12:43 - 1:12:55

The perfect time. This is the perfect place. There was a couple of times City hit the post a couple of times. Anyway, I was distracted by that when talking to someone.

1:12:55 - 1:13:07

Looking over the shoulder like... I mean, I was wondering whether to go because it's the theatre Christmas party for the whole building. Oh right, not just the car.

1:13:07 - 1:13:13

And you know, we are a company you've just rocked up. I didn't want to appear cheeky.

1:13:13 - 1:13:18

Yeah, but they're missing you. That's what you've been told via text message. Well, I've got a wristband.

1:13:18 - 1:13:24

Two free drinks. Okay, that's good. What do you get? What drinks? Two Amstel. Yeah.

1:13:24 - 1:13:34

They marked it X to say you had your drink on your wristband. Yeah. And someone came up to me and went, you can rub it off. Amazing.

1:13:37 - 1:13:44

I said, there's only two barmen. They're going to know. She was like, I've had four.

1:13:44 - 1:13:49

Wow. I was like, yeah, but I think it's different for you. I think they don't care.

1:13:49 - 1:14:03

If I did it, they'd be like, well, yeah, you. John, is there a frisson of the people who work in the building the whole year where this is, you know, because some people use their Christmas party as almost a revenge attack on

1:14:03 - 1:14:11

the company they don't love working for by getting absolutely smashed and telling the higher-ups what they think of them.

1:14:11 - 1:14:19

Is that a vibe? Well, you could tell everyone was in their groups. Like front of house, finance.

1:14:19 - 1:14:39

Obviously, I was with the Sherlock people. It seemed a nice vibe. Do you know what? As someone, well, we're all self-employed, I do miss those kind of dates in the diary where you all meet up and have a Christmas do or a thing like that.

1:14:39 - 1:14:51

I was actually kind of, I quite liked being involved in that. That's why I went, because I was like, what are we going to do? Just go and sit there and...

1:14:51 - 1:14:56

You know. So, yeah, it was nice actually. Everyone was really nice. It was a good atmosphere.

1:14:56 - 1:15:01

Does it feel like in the play, there is a good vibe between all of you?

1:15:01 - 1:15:08

Is there a sort of, we're in this together? Yeah, it's a nice vibe. There's no egos. There's no ad celeb.

1:15:08 - 1:15:21

Everyone's working very hard. You know, it's a great leveler. Everyone's fucked up once. Everyone's tripped over a line or forgotten something. Yeah, you're all the chairman of a different football club.

1:15:21 - 1:15:27

Yeah. It's just a nice parody between all of you. So, yeah, it's very nice.

1:15:27 - 1:15:42

And, you know, we're just hanging out and the football was on and people started to drift off and then the rumour went round that everyone was moving to a place called Albert Schloss which is another bar. It's a small village in Bavaria.

1:15:42 - 1:15:54

Seems a big effort, doesn't it? There's a chopper outside. Yeah, Andrew Lloyd Webber has decided to fund your Christmas dinner.

1:15:54 - 1:16:07

So I walked over there with a group and I said to one of my friends I don't think I'm going to get in because I'm wearing shorts.

1:16:07 - 1:16:13

Oh wow, still wearing shorts. Yeah, I'm wearing shorts because I've been in this Victorian suit all day.

1:16:13 - 1:16:22

I walk around Birmingham wearing shorts. Because if it was me I'd be like I hope I don't get let in because then it looks like it's not my fault but I don't really want to go. Well

1:16:22 - 1:16:30

Max, it's the perfect crime because in my head I'm going I reckon they're not going to let me in.

1:16:30 - 1:16:40

I don't want to go in and so I just kind of stand there and wave and but she's going I know the bouncer he'll get us in.

1:16:40 - 1:16:49

In my head I'm going I don't want to go in but I'm thinking you know I've got my trainer, my Nike is on, they're not going to let me in.

1:16:49 - 1:16:59

Not Albert Schloss. Mr. Albert Schloss won't let me in. Lloyd Webber is the bouncer as well.

1:16:59 - 1:17:12

So what happens? Do you make any effort to get in or do you just turn to the group and be like sort of ambiguously? I go like right well yeah let's try.

1:17:12 - 1:17:19

And then it's about six of us stood there and I'm stood behind the rope. I see her chatting.

1:17:19 - 1:17:31

He's shaking his head. He looks over at me. I'm looking at him. He then looks down at my knees and he's shaking his head.

1:17:31 - 1:17:43

And I'm thinking this has worked out brilliantly. This is going beautifully. You'd think in the home of Lederhosen they would allow shorts in you know. Yeah I agree.

1:17:43 - 1:17:58

Yeah. But I was not prepared to make that argument. The rank hypocrisy. You don't want to go but you can't help but point out the rank hypocrisy of the bouncers of the Albert Schloss.

1:17:58 - 1:18:15

And their huge double standards. The bouncers in Lederhosen. Yeah. And as you turn and walk away the cymbals that are attached to your knees just lightly clang off each other. Your accordion just falls to the ground.

1:18:15 - 1:18:25

So do we go back under the underpass? Well hang on. I had a question.

1:18:25 - 1:18:34

When was the last time you were like stood at a rope to get into a place like that? It feels like decades ago.

1:18:34 - 1:18:42

Like decades. You only stand behind a rope trying to get into a nightclub or at a posh art gallery.

1:18:42 - 1:18:56

Yeah. It's usually to look at like crown jewels or something. Yeah that's true. Yeah. The nightclub rope the nightclub queue is such an odd place because you know there was obviously a time we did it all the time and now you think God.

1:18:56 - 1:19:10

I remember me and my friends like this probably is about 10 years ago. We haven't been to a club for ages. Let's go and see what it's like. And we went to the Islington Academy Halloween night and it was so noisy. I remember walking in going

1:19:10 - 1:19:17

God this is a fire hazard. These are not thoughts that I had in my 20s. And then where's the exit?

1:19:17 - 1:19:28

Yeah there was someone dressed as a there was this girl who was wasted and she was dressed as a clown but she was really upset and all her makeup had run and we were sort of just there quite old but having a nice time. We were dancing having

1:19:28 - 1:19:38

fun and then one of my friends I was dressed as the Stay Puft Marshmallow man but he had like a full outfit on and she started punching him in the head. So I had to say look there's a real man's head in

1:19:38 - 1:19:44

there and then she punched me in the face and I was like haven't been to a nightclub since.

1:19:44 - 1:19:58

But Max was there not an era in the glory days of Soccer AM where kind of like that scene in Goodfellas you'd enter through the kitchens and they'd take an extra table and put it at the front. Do you know what?

1:19:58 - 1:20:14

I did once go to China Whites which is one of those real footballery nightclubs former Portsmouth midfielder Liam Lawrence and I was and there is a photo of me I don't know what it is. Robert Huth was in there and

1:20:14 - 1:20:25

both him and I were doing Movember but it was early stages so there's a photo of me and Robert Huth and then there were some other footballers there but they weren't in kits and they were sort of low level Premier League

1:20:25 - 1:20:32

I don't have a clue who they were and we were in like a roped off bit and then I just thought this is too noisy and I got the night bus home and it just wasn't for me.

1:20:32 - 1:20:43

Night bus really undermined that whole scene. And then there's the part where you looked out and you're all wearing shorts as well and that really rubs it in for poor John.

1:20:43 - 1:20:53

Anyway, so we walk back under the underpass. Trudge back under the underpass. So yeah, I wave goodbye, they go in, I'm like you know what, see you later. Wish I could.

1:20:53 - 1:20:58

Could if I would. Perfect. That's so good. And then I walk off into the night.

1:20:58 - 1:21:16

I took a different route home actually, I've not gone this way back before. I wondered if a certain way I went would make it quicker and it did. Yeah. So I was quite happy with that. I got back in the flat, turned on the BBC Champions League highlights

1:21:16 - 1:21:24

which I liked. I like these highlights. Yeah. They do those shows well. So midnight, we're talking about midnight now.

1:21:24 - 1:21:31

Actually, this is the thing, it's still pretty early, it's about 11 o'clock. Yeah, but it's still a 17 hour day.

1:21:31 - 1:21:40

I'm shattered. I'm absolutely shattered. Yeah. I made myself a cup of tea and that was it.

1:21:40 - 1:21:46

And then that was the end of the night. I brushed my teeth, went to bed, set the alarm.

1:21:46 - 1:21:58

For 3am. Not for 3am. Do you know what? I woke up this morning and told myself, do not look at your phone. You need to just rest. Do not look at your phone. Yeah, I didn't

1:21:58 - 1:22:02

look at it till my alarm went off, which I was proud of myself about. Yeah, that was the day.

1:22:02 - 1:22:15

So much in that day. You didn't take another tilt at the set come. Sorry, I thought that what you might, because sometimes in a slightly jovial state after three drinks, you might come back.

1:22:15 - 1:22:23

I did write down two notes, which I want to inspire me. What are they? I'll read them here.

1:22:23 - 1:22:32

So I wrote them on post-it notes. John's walked into another room. That's why the acoustic has changed to the listeners.

1:22:32 - 1:22:45

John's now coming back into the duvet. They were on my phone, but I thought, write them down and put them on post-it notes so you can have it on your wall.

1:22:45 - 1:23:01

So John Cleese said Fawlty Towers is basically, the reason why it works with kids, anyone, is kids know who is scared of who.

1:23:01 - 1:23:25

That's the key to it. You just know who is scared of who. And then the South Park writers said when you're writing, if between each beat is the, basically and then, you're fucked. Between each beat should be therefore or but. So this happens

1:23:25 - 1:23:36

but then this happens, this happens therefore this happens, never this happens and then this happens. Which is a problem for this podcast because it is essentially and then this happens and then this happens and

1:23:36 - 1:23:43

this happens and this happens and then I go to sleep. This podcast is basically and then.

1:23:43 - 1:23:50

It is and then. Now it's got a few buts in it. The children all screaming. That was a but.

1:23:50 - 1:23:57

There's no one scared of anyone either. But the nature of time, time doesn't listen to buts and therefores.

1:23:57 - 1:24:11

Hello? John Kearns. Thank you very much for telling us what you did yesterday. A unique yesterday.

1:24:11 - 1:24:20

I like the idea that I have this record of what I did. Because this is an odd time.

1:24:20 - 1:24:32

So I like the idea that I can have this. I don't know maybe my son can listen to this when I've gone and he's wondering what his dad was up to.

1:24:32 - 1:24:43

Yeah. And it was mainly over ordering broccoli. Wondering how to get bees and a dog for five quid.

1:24:43 - 1:25:03

Thanks John. Thank you John. Thanks for having me. There's John Cairns there. It's an interesting day isn't it?

1:25:03 - 1:25:10

There's a lot there. Two shows in a day. And I think it's such a win when he can't get into the nightclub.

1:25:10 - 1:25:17

That is such a win. It's like every sinew of me was going please tell him he's not allowed in.

1:25:17 - 1:25:29

I love also performing your show in front of nine year olds and them going crazy when the lights go off.

1:25:29 - 1:25:44

The bar is pretty low for any sort of school outing to be honest. So a bunch of them will have come away from it and gone that's one of the best things I've ever seen. Well they probably won't have that much theatre to compare it

1:25:44 - 1:25:58

to if I'm honest. Yeah if the teacher's lazy they could just think if we just get some blackout blinds we can just turn the lights off at 11.20 create that and we don't have to get however many students on a bus.

1:25:58 - 1:26:04

Whenever you see a school trip on an outing and you look at the teacher at the front and the back and you think oh those poor bastards.

1:26:04 - 1:26:14

Whatever age the kids are you're like oh whatever's happening in my day I'm not wrangling children that aren't my own to the Natural History Museum like this is a good day.

1:26:14 - 1:26:32

Yes. I texted him later on in the day after we recorded this and I asked him if the people had laughed at his demotion and he said yes they had because it was an older so they were on the way. I'd like a daily update on people laugh.

1:26:32 - 1:26:44

I also like the fact that he showed us a picture of him in his full outfit and it's so hot that regardless of the temperature he basically has to just wear shorts he's just naked outside Greg's because he's just it's still

1:26:44 - 1:26:58

so hot because of what he's having to wear a bodice. He's wearing a bodice all day on stage. But he is one of those guys who seeing him dressed as a Victorian constable or whatever era it is doesn't really you wouldn't be that surprised

1:26:58 - 1:27:08

if you just saw it in real life. That's true. This is the end sorry it's early in the morning for me I was like do we about to say this is what he did yesterday?

1:27:08 - 1:27:24

No we've just done the episode. That's it. Thank you very much John Kearns. If you have any issues you would like to raise with us having listened to that or indeed any issues about anything whatsoever this is how you get in touch with the podcast.

1:27:24 - 1:27:36

To get in touch with the show you can email us at whatdidyoudoyesterdaypod at gmail.com follow us on Instagram at yesterdaypod and please subscribe and leave a review.

1:27:36 - 1:27:41

If you liked it on your preferred podcast platform and if you didn't please don't.

1:27:41 - 1:27:47

Hey thank you David I had a great time. That was really great. Thanks Max.

1:27:47 - 1:27:55

We just talk over each other. Every time you try and talk I'm just going to No I'm not doing this.

1:27:55 - 1:28:01

I'm a professional. We can't have this cacophony at this stage. How many people do you think are still listening to this?

1:28:01 - 1:28:10

Surely you've toggled through for next podcast by this bit. Yeah Mars Bar is always vague when we ask him those sort of questions.

1:28:10 - 1:28:21

It's one of those you know you see a YouTube thing and it has that little it has the graph doesn't it you can see peak after seven seconds we lost the audience but you know that's in lecture.

1:28:21 - 1:28:29

People have short attention spans these days. Whenever I put up one of my comedy songs on the internet you get that graph back.

1:28:29 - 1:28:46

I'm thinking this is a good consistent probably the graph will rise towards the end of the song call in other people from rooms log on to this quick but no it falls off a cliff after three seconds.

1:28:46 - 1:29:03

It's like Instagram living when I've Instagram lived just you know simmering a bolognese for four hours just with sort of balancing the mobile phone over the cruiser I have sort of in my mind thought I just think this will get a momentum of itself or come back

1:29:03 - 1:29:20

there'll be 25,000 people watching this it's like 13 people going are you still here Dave? In many ways the pandemic messed with our minds but that is certainly one of them which is if I just do nothing maybe it'll get really popular.

1:29:20 - 1:29:26

No one cares. Thank you David. I'm in it for life. Everything is showbiz Max.

1:29:26 - 1:29:54

Bye. Hi Podfans. Max here in my garden in Melbourne just to say that we are doing a live What Did You Do Yesterday on April the 3rd at 4pm at Melbourne Town Hall I think but if you just Google What Did You Do Yesterday live show Melbourne

1:29:54 - 1:30:09

me, David and a special yet to be announced yet to be worked out guest will be doing an episode so not for broadcast just for a live show so yeah get your tickets come and see us thanks bye

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