0:00 - 0:11
Podcasts, there are millions of them. Some might say too many. I have one already.
0:11 - 0:20
I don't have any, because there are enough. Politics, business, sport, you name it, there's a podcast about it, and they all ask the big questions and cover the hot topics of the day.
0:20 - 0:25
But nobody is covering the most important topic of all. Why is that? Are they scared?
0:25 - 0:34
Too afraid of being censored by the man? Possibly, but not us. We're here to ask the only question that matters.
0:34 - 0:38
We try and say it at the same time, Max. What did you do yesterday?
0:38 - 0:44
What did you do yesterday? That's it. All we're interested in is what the guests got up to yesterday, nothing more.
0:44 - 0:51
Day before yesterday, Max? Nope. The greatest and most interesting day of your life? Unless it was yesterday, we don't want to know about it.
0:51 - 1:07
I'm Max Rushden. And I'm David O'Doherty. Welcome to What Did You Do Yesterday? Hello, and welcome to Midweek Mayhem, brought to you by the people that make What Did You Do Yesterday?
1:07 - 1:17
I'm Max Rushden. And opposite me, on the Zoom call, David O'Doherty. Welcome, David. Also opposite you on the world.
1:17 - 1:27
That's the thing about this podcast. The reason our vibe is so utterly magnetic is because if you dropped a weight straight down through the earth, you would come to me.
1:27 - 1:31
And we have to get the vibe right. We have to be on perfect opposite sides.
1:31 - 1:38
Exactly right. Andrew says, Merry Christmas to the real heroes of the year, Jordan Henderson and Rufus Hound.
1:38 - 1:45
So Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas to them. David, this is our first anniversary of Mayhem.
1:45 - 1:50
This is the first one we ever tried. This is where Midweek Mayhem was born.
1:50 - 1:59
It's where Curdle, What Did You Do Yesterday, was born. It's nostalgic. Because up until this point last year...
1:59 - 2:08
Last year, we would just incorporate some bizarre audience content at the start before we spoke to...
2:08 - 2:13
Do you remember the early days? We'd just be talking to like Melvin Bragg and leading intellectuals.
2:13 - 2:22
It was a slightly different show back then. I do remember Desmond Tutu's yesterday. That was one of my absolute favorites.
2:22 - 2:28
But I'm glad we split them up. There are some people that prefer the guest episodes because there's...
2:28 - 2:40
There's content and there's some people that prefer these ones because they're these ones. Now, this is the last episode of Series 3 and we are going to take a bit of a break just because of our schedules and things like that.
2:40 - 2:45
But we will be back at some point in the new year. Hopefully, we'll be able to come back to this.
2:45 - 2:51
Yeah, fingers crossed. How long a break are we taking? Oh, well, I mean, it's up in the air at the moment.
2:51 - 3:07
Last year, the break consisted of no break. Our schedules, come on. Don't spoil the gag, David.
3:07 - 3:17
The thing is, I sold it really well. I reckon when I said we're taking a bit of a break, a few people would have gone, oh, well, they are.
3:17 - 3:34
You know, you've exposed the myth that our break will be precisely four days. It's just the idea that our hectic schedules, that I can't find time to come to my basement in my dressing gown, as I have now, and talk about cheese with you.
3:34 - 3:42
Just like, yeah, be hard. Hopefully, 2029, I'll be able to get back to it. The fact is, I can't leave my house in the evening because of sleeping children.
3:42 - 3:48
So basically, it's like I haven't found time in my schedule to walk from the back door to the shed.
3:48 - 4:01
Hey, people loved your Christmas story, David. Your Christmas story. More like it. Our Christmas story.
4:01 - 4:11
Our Christmas story. Yeah. I thought you really, do you know what? I didn't intend, so to people who may not have heard, it was something of a change of tack.
4:11 - 4:19
And thank you very much to producer Boris Barr, producer Will, for making all of this happen.
4:19 - 4:28
Because I'd written, like, it was basically a feature film in audio form. And we don't.
4:28 - 4:36
It was divided into three episodes. And I needed high-end voice acting talent. You did, yeah.
4:36 - 4:48
So I thought about that. I then used you instead. Yeah. But your characters got more sinister as the three episodes went along.
4:48 - 4:54
Such that, you know, in acting, have you played the Dane? You know, have you ever done Hamlet?
4:54 - 5:08
Because it's the most complex character. I would say no. Now that people are saying, have you played the Dane or the cat that tries to protect the house in episode three of...
5:08 - 5:13
Well, I mean, yeah, we did get some feedback on my acting. Ben said the story is great.
5:13 - 5:18
The music is excellent. I laugh every time Max speaks as Morris because he sounds like a drugged Dracula.
5:18 - 5:27
Bexter says... Sorry, that's your hundred-year-old tortoise that worries about everything. That was just one of your three characters.
5:27 - 5:36
You're right. Bexter says, surprisingly good acting from Max. How dare you? Bexter doesn't know that I played Shylock.
5:36 - 5:49
I played Banquo. I've got this in my locker. I aged 11. I think Kyle says, Max is Daniel Craig as Benoit Blanc, levels of chewing the scenery, and I, for one, hope this is his big break.
5:49 - 5:58
Did you never tread the boards again after sort of officially mandated board treading school?
5:58 - 6:10
Well, apart from playing myself in a very small role in a film opposite Vicky McClure, where I knock on the window of a van and invite them on Soccer AM, the band that she is in.
6:10 - 6:19
Cool. Yeah, 12 was when I hung on my acting boots. I just lost a yard of pace, and so I had to, I just couldn't deliver anymore.
6:19 - 6:24
I would have thought in the glory years, maybe you'd have to do one of those.
6:24 - 6:38
Oh, I did loads of sketches. Yeah, with loads of comedy sketches. No, but for maybe a bigger project that could have been on Sky at the time, where you go, sorry, I'm going to have to just cut across you there,
6:38 - 6:47
Vinnie Samways, with news that aliens have taken over Central Park in New York. What?
6:47 - 6:53
Did you never have to do one of those? Well, I mean, I mainly played myself.
6:53 - 7:01
So it was nice of you to sort of move me into character roles, and I am hoping that it leads somewhere.
7:01 - 7:09
Can I give you some really good feedback from the emails? B says, dear team, today we had a family trip to a beach south of Sydney.
7:09 - 7:16
Excited to share the pod with the family. I saved episode one of the great Christmas bunny emergency for the car journey down.
7:16 - 7:22
By the time we were leaving the sunny beach after an afternoon ice cream, episode two had been released.
7:22 - 7:35
The general feedback from my eight-year-old was positive. However, my five-year-old vehemently disagreed. At around the 18-minute mark on episode two, he began to shout, stop the man talking, stop the man on the radio, he's making me sick.
7:35 - 7:49
Before projectile vomiting down my husband's neck, who was in the front passenger seat. Since we were on a winding coastal road, it took me several minutes to pull over, which led to my husband gagging at being covered in vomit,
7:49 - 7:54
the eight-year-old gagging at the idea of being covered in vomit, and my car-sick-prone five-year-old now screaming, why did he make me sick?
7:54 - 8:01
All three got thrown in the ocean along with the car seat. Leading with me to deal with the car of reverse ice cream.
8:01 - 8:07
There was a moment where I questioned whether everything was indeed showbiz. Still in it for life, B.
8:07 - 8:16
So that's the impact it has. The impact, and also when Citizen Kane came out, people just didn't know what to make of it.
8:16 - 8:27
There was a lot of people vomiting on car seats then. It was a mistake that Orison Welles first released Citizen Kane as a three-part children's podcast.
8:28 - 8:36
Story, yeah, Christmas podcast. We have had some nice ones. Judith says, hi, David, Max, Miles, Byron, Will.
8:36 - 8:41
Thank you for over a year of a fabulous podcast, and this week more specifically today, thank you for the Christmas story.
8:41 - 8:45
I'm this Christmas Eve driving from my family Christmas time in Manchester back to my home in Devon.
8:45 - 8:49
I always mind myself a playlist for the journey of episodes from my favorite podcast.
8:49 - 8:53
I was very excited today to put the three installments of David's story on the list.
8:53 - 8:57
Now, there was a low winter sun today, so that may be the reason why my eyes welled up.
8:58 - 9:03
Several times. I'm 39, by the way, but I also smiled so much, it made my journey much more magical.
9:03 - 9:09
I used to work at a zoo with some very mischievous ring-tailed lemurs, so it gave me much nostalgia, too.
9:09 - 9:13
Thank you again. I hope you have a wonderful Christmas and enjoy the normal cheeses.
9:13 - 9:19
Everything is showbiz in it for life. Judith and Hannah says, Hi, Max, David, I'm producer Mars Bar.
9:19 - 9:23
I just wanted to get in touch and tell you how much our family enjoyed the great Christmas bunny emergency.
9:23 - 9:34
I thought I'd put it on for the family while we're in the car. Imagine the surprise and delight of my daughter, Ema, favorite animal lemurs, nicknamed Emer the lemur, when she heard the name of the hero of the story.
9:34 - 9:40
She absolutely loved it. We were also on our way to the zoo at that moment.
9:40 - 9:48
Further proof the podcast is at the center of the known universe. We loved the story and thought Max truly embodied the 100-year-old very tired tortoise.
9:48 - 9:57
All the best. Thank you so much. Also, thank you to Max as himself, who made some great interjections during it.
9:58 - 10:03
I did have to call you up when, were you complaining about the price of ice cream or something?
10:03 - 10:13
I'm not, yes, potentially. I feel some lovely input, like the Amazon primates enclosure you asked if the subscription was $8.99 a month.
10:13 - 10:19
I feel that will have gone down really well with six-year-old listeners. You did make the good point.
10:19 - 10:34
It's not, we're not, we aren't necessarily trying to bring in that crowd. You know, I think from some of the exciting, the Hal Cruttendon episode, may not deliver in the same way that Eber the Lemur delivered for an eight-year-old.
10:34 - 10:45
This is a story I've told before, that my friend Nick, who after watching Star Wars, went to the Radio Times to find every Alec Guinness film and was disappointed on every occasion.
10:45 - 10:56
Anyway, people loved it. People absolutely loved it. So many messages. Danny did say, if there isn't an Easter egg involving a BOC, I'll be livid.
10:56 - 11:07
James, spectacularly unwarranted diversion from the format is exactly what I and now my three-year-old daughter are here for, 100% here for.
11:07 - 11:14
Everything is showbiz, yada, yada, yada. Maybe we've been making a mistake with yesterdays all along and we should have just done these audio books.
11:14 - 11:27
But thanks, everybody. Thanks, everybody. I will just say, the beauty of these is we just get on and waffle, whereas I had to sit down and write that thing for ages.
11:27 - 11:35
I think, I think this is where we come clean and announce that all these episodes, including the guest ones, are meticulously scripted.
11:35 - 11:45
And this has taken years and years of planning, frankly. And we have read-throughs and script meetings and it's exhausting.
11:45 - 11:49
And that's why we have to take such a break between series three and series four.
11:49 - 12:01
Paxi says, Merry Christmas from Artora Roa. Not Rotorua. Artora Roa. Artora Roa is New Zealand.
12:01 - 12:05
Artora Roa. Lulu Lemonandis for my three adult sons and husband. All on you guys.
12:05 - 12:22
I do love the idea of this podcast having scripts and read-throughs and just you and I finish, you know, what page 100 of the John Curran script or add, we both just look up toward Mars Bar,
12:22 - 12:30
who's a sort of Lorne Michaels on SNL type figure in this. And he goes, either, thumbs up or behind us are the 30 writers.
12:30 - 12:42
The Ross Noble episode where they say in half an hour, with half an hour to go, your son will sit on you and piss on you, Max.
12:42 - 12:49
And at the end of it, Mars Bar goes, just one more time, guys. I can't believe it.
12:49 - 12:56
Now, as before we do our yesterdays and as is customary on the Christmas episode, we both give you our yesterdays.
12:56 - 13:00
It is worth, it is worth doing. They're just normal countries. You have to do.
13:00 - 13:06
They're just normal countries. So let's, let's get to that. And let's play. They're just normal countries.
13:06 - 13:19
I am the one and only. What country could I be? I am the one and only.
13:19 - 13:29
Where in the world could our listeners be? Welcome to their, just normal countries. Here we go then.
13:29 - 13:36
So we're four in. Remember after last week, David, if you're just joining us here are the countries that have been guests so far.
13:36 - 13:44
It does sound, I was listening to sail away by any reasons that may come clear in the next few months.
13:44 - 13:51
And it was when she's like from Palau to Bissau, I was like, this is, they're just normal countries.
13:51 - 14:04
They're just normal countries. Madagascar, Namibia, Costa Rica, Uganda, North Africa, South Korea, Guyana, Northern Mariana Islands, Bhutan, Brunei, Nepal, Eswatini, US Virgin Islands, Equatorial Guinea, San Marino, correct.
14:04 - 14:12
Liechtenstein, Turkmenistan, Seychelles, Mauritius, Georgia, Vatican City, Oman, Fiji, correct. Vanuatu, Bolivia, Faroe Islands, correct.
14:12 - 14:19
Belarus, Palau, Aruba, Ecuador, Iraq, Gabon, correct. Sail away, sail away, sail away. We didn't start the fire.
14:19 - 14:31
Anyway, so Andy and Cheltenham was right. He says, dear average football guy, three Irish sidekick, two, the one and only Mars Bar and will the brackets, the quizzes ever end question mark.
14:31 - 14:40
As I lie on my three-year-old daughter's bedroom floor at 4.45 AM, I'm absolutely delighted to hear that Gabon is just a normal country.
14:40 - 14:49
That might be the single line that just sums up what we've been doing here for the last year and a half.
14:49 - 14:57
I know the feeling Andy. However, my delight soon turned to panic as the enormity of the, the situation dawned on me.
14:57 - 15:04
I have to pick a new country and it seemed unlikely that the universe would provide another number plate at such short notice panicking.
15:04 - 15:09
I mentally scroll through all the countries I can think of, but I can't find a link to one obscure enough.
15:09 - 15:12
Then proving that what did you do yesterday is the center of the known universe.
15:12 - 15:21
David provided the answer in the most poetic way possible. A new quiz during the six famous Belgians, David uttered the line, the beat is instantly.
15:21 - 15:31
I'm transported to a tweet. I did in 2018. They got zero. Sorry. Yes. To the tune of technotronics classic pump up the jam.
15:31 - 15:38
I changed the words to, Oh man, I don't want Eritrea get Digi beauty on the floor tonight.
15:38 - 15:46
Make my day. With Omar already being guest, I will go with Eritrea and if successful, Digi booty next week.
15:46 - 15:54
Was it Djibouti? My apologies. Djibouti. I better go and order my Lululemons. Everything is showbiz in it for life.
15:54 - 16:06
Andy and gentlemen. So Eritrea is, is Eritrea a one listen country? Mars bar. I really thought it might be.
16:06 - 16:13
So anyway, everyone in the world is back in the game. Two to guess. There are two to guess.
16:13 - 16:23
God, it's exciting stuff, isn't it? Also, we should just pause for a moment and commiserate with, I believe the CEO of Lululemon who was fired last week.
16:23 - 16:37
Really? Yeah. It's going really well. Really badly. How? Really? They're saying like, they must be doing some really terrible marketing elsewhere because we can't have had a net negative effect.
16:37 - 16:43
I've bought five pairs. You bought five. Yeah, it's true. Your friend in New Zealand's got three.
16:43 - 16:47
My mate, Rob Causton got a pair for Christmas. That's, you know, we're almost at 10.
16:47 - 16:54
I know. It's just that idea. Cause the stitching is all gold. I think that's where they blow.
16:54 - 17:02
We have this in Edinburgh one year. We were all wondering how none of us made any money from the Edinburgh fringe.
17:02 - 17:10
And cause you talk to the venues and the venues to be like, we can only pay people like minimum because we don't make any money.
17:10 - 17:15
And then you would talk to the printers and they go, we charge the minimum amount for everything.
17:15 - 17:21
So it's like, where's all the money going? We decided in the end that the official fringe brochure had gold staples.
17:21 - 17:26
So it'd be like, Oh, that's where it all goes. We'll be millionaires with that.
17:26 - 17:32
That's, that. Hey, who's yesterday's first? Do you want to go first? Should I go first?
17:32 - 17:39
I'm happy to go first, but in the midst of it, I will be introducing.
17:39 - 17:55
Curdle. I, I. Five. The five cheeses. So yeah, just on that, just before we get into the days on the cheese board, Miriam in Toronto said, hi, Mars bar, DOD and max.
17:55 - 18:00
I feel compelled to write into, express sympathy for DOD's family this Christmas, as he comes up with his cheese board.
18:00 - 18:10
Obviously he can't use any of the cheeses from last year. So he's going to have to search out some weird and wonderful niche, normal cheeses to inflict on his family in order to have new cheeses for their just normal cheeses quiz.
18:10 - 18:16
Everything is showbiz. Don't stop dancing in the moonlight. And this, uh, obviously it's from Tim.
18:16 - 18:25
So there's dear max, David Mars bar and the hero of the Teddington quiz. Uh, will I'm writing a fridge full of unanswered questions.
18:25 - 18:35
And quite possibly, a mental issue. He says, while we enjoyed the high stakes, high lactose drama of curdle, when he sat by our speakers, imagining David's gloriously arranged wedges of dairy,
18:35 - 18:43
something has been bugging me since may. What did you do yesterday? Midweek mayhem episode 19 that I just can't shake.
18:43 - 18:55
And upon reviewing the official transcripts on everything is showbiz.com, a chilling inconsistency has come to light that threatens the very integrity of the O'Doherty Christmas legacy and curdle official transcript.
18:55 - 19:05
Six minutes, 55, just seven minutes. Oh, two. No, there's various course courses in the O'Doherty family Christmas that are there by tradition, but we never get to seven or two to seven,
19:05 - 19:09
10. And the cheese course is basically one of those whereby West whereby still in their packets.
19:09 - 19:14
They're just distributed to members of the family still in their packets. Question mark, hold the crackers, stop the chutney.
19:14 - 19:22
If these cheeses were distributed in their original packaging, like savory party bags, then the cheese board is a structural lie.
19:22 - 19:29
This wasn't a culinary display. It was a logistics operation for fermented curd. This discrepancy has racked my brain for months.
19:29 - 19:35
I must have clarification. Was a structural surface ever involved? Were these cheeses simply slid across the kitchen?
19:35 - 19:45
Like savory curling stones. How can a game be based on a cheese board? If the items never achieved board status, David, the listeners deserve the truth.
19:45 - 19:52
We cannot have a game based on theoretical cheese boards. This is what happens with these French post-structuralist.
19:52 - 19:59
Listen to the park when Foucault comes online and starts to, overanalyze the cheese board discourse.
19:59 - 20:03
They were on the board because there was a photo. So yeah, they're on the board.
20:03 - 20:10
If you'd asked that in May, you'd have had six, seven, three months of independent thought.
20:10 - 20:15
Okay. So I go first. So then we'll get to your cheese board. Fine. Okay.
20:15 - 20:24
What time did you get up at on Christmas yesterday? Christmas morning. 5. AM. Yeah. Willie rushden wakes up.
20:24 - 20:30
Now Willie's 11 months. He's not really feeling Christmas. So he falls asleep on me. Yeah.
20:30 - 20:35
I lie there like a lemon for about an hour and a half. He's just on me.
20:35 - 20:44
So I, my eyes are closed. I've got a good pillow set up. Sometimes a small child can fall asleep on you and you're, you're just badly framed.
20:44 - 20:48
You haven't sorted yourself out, but I'm really well sorted. So I'm sort of dozing.
20:48 - 20:52
I think about trying to lay him down, but after five, that's always a risk.
20:52 - 21:02
It's a bit of a sort of unexploded grenade. And I'm thinking, interruption number one, does Ian, has Ian entered into the spirit of it?
21:02 - 21:12
Like Christmas in Australia, slightly odd as in, I think of like fake snow sprayed in the windows of shops while it's 38 degrees outside.
21:12 - 21:19
It's not quite sure what it is. Well, I mean, this was the coldest Melbourne Christmas on record.
21:19 - 21:30
Was it? Which was.. What temperature? It was 17, felt like 22. But we freezed our cotton socks off anyway.
21:30 - 21:36
So, well, Ian wakes up at half past six and Jamie is with him and he runs in saying it's Christmas.
21:36 - 21:43
He's excited. It's Christmas. Like kind of like in, isn't it in the one of the Bronte?
21:43 - 21:51
I think it might be Wuthering Heights. The dad arrives back dragging a Christmas tree behind him on Christmas Eve.
21:51 - 21:56
And he has a violin in his pocket and it's the most exciting thing that's ever happened.
21:56 - 22:03
And he's, he sort of tells everyone it's Christmas, a time for giving. And they're like, Oh, that's Ian's role in this.
22:03 - 22:09
It is Ian's role, but Ian sees Christmas as very much a time for receiving, I would say.
22:09 - 22:16
So he wants his, his presents have been sort of by the chimney for a long time.
22:16 - 22:28
First he checks and he sees that father Christmas has eaten the carrot, eaten the biscuits and drunk the Cooper's sort of hazy ale, which, which was actually seven and a half percent,
22:28 - 22:34
which was more than it was more than father Christmas wanted. But he, but that's what he told me anyway.
22:34 - 22:42
And so he checks those, he checks those and then it's onto the presents and he opens his stocking and in his stocking is a letter.
22:42 - 22:48
And the letter says your big present was too big for the chimney. So it's in the studio.
22:48 - 22:55
So then we run to the studio, the shed in the shed it's locked. I can't find the keys.
22:55 - 23:01
Eventually I find the keys. Underneath where we were going to put a tumble dryer, but we haven't managed to in the last two years.
23:01 - 23:13
A tumble dryer. A tumble dryer. A hot point. He's excited. It's a, he's got a blue bike.
23:13 - 23:21
So it's a blue pedal bike. Whoa. A chain and brakes and everything. Chain and brakes and everything.
23:21 - 23:26
Stabilizers. Does it have stabilizers? It's got stabilizers. We'll get to those a bit later.
23:26 - 23:33
Hang on. A few questions here. Yes, David. How did you deal with classic chimney discourse?
23:33 - 23:43
Because he's a smart guy. So he's like, what's the physics of this father? How's the big man getting into the room?
23:43 - 23:54
No, he was not quite as, he wasn't sure. He hasn't really asked about how the Father Christmas got down the chimney, but he did ask how Father Christmas managed to get into the studio.
23:54 - 23:59
And I, well, I guess, Father Christmas just found my keys lying about and did it that way.
23:59 - 24:11
Wow. So lovely image there. Father Christmas has found like a twig in the garden and he's doing like the classic scene in the jail whereby he's just, the twig comes in the window,
24:11 - 24:25
pokes them out of your pocket. And then suddenly, kick, kick, kick, kick, kick, kick, kick, kick, kick, We had an adorable Christmas Eve where me and the Helen Copter went to visit a friend of hers with a five-year-old called Roddy.
24:26 - 24:34
And Roddy's folks were operating, there's an app, a tracker, which is where is Santa now?
24:34 - 24:42
Oh, wow. Okay. And he was, cause he knew he needed to be asleep for the presents to arrive.
24:42 - 24:48
Of course. And he was also, cause the tracker was like, he is in Ghana at the moment.
24:48 - 24:54
He's in Malawi. So it'd be like, yeah, I'm going to go up. But actually according to the tracker, he's not around yet.
24:54 - 25:00
So we can give it another 10 minutes. Ha ha ha ha. He's in the Northern Mariana silence.
25:00 - 25:10
So, okay. Then it's back into the living room. Presence from lots of people. Presence from auntie Susie's got him like a London underground train set.
25:10 - 25:15
That has a button that says by the gap between the train and the platform.
25:15 - 25:22
This station is King's cross. St. Pancras. This is calling all stations to Chesham. So he loves this button.
25:22 - 25:31
Chesham. Yeah. Like Chesham United, Alex Horne's. And then Alex Horne jumps out and then you have to do a task with Bob Mortimer.
25:31 - 25:39
And then it's back in the trains. He got a Paw Patrol sort of garage thing from my parents.
25:39 - 25:44
So anyway, he's having a great time. He's opening everything, playing with it for about 30 seconds, moving on.
25:44 - 25:48
And we're me and Jamie are like, God, he gets a lot. He's getting a lot of stuff at Christmas.
25:48 - 25:56
This is, you know, we should have staggered this. His birthday's in March. He's, oh, this is, you know, his favorite thing he gets is an orange.
25:56 - 26:09
Good. Old 11 months. Big orange, round orange. He's delighted. Wow. Willie is basically my father from, with one of his post second world war tales.
26:09 - 26:18
It was the first orange that I'd had for eight years. Delicious. Best Christmas ever.
26:18 - 26:24
So there's a lot of Ian playing with his toys and Willie sort of crawling towards them.
26:24 - 26:30
And then Ian saying, no, these are mine. And then, sort of pushing him on the floor a little aggressively and us being like, okay.
26:30 - 26:41
Then we get some pastries out of the oven. There's a chocolate croissant. There's a cinnamon bun and a cup of tea.
26:41 - 26:49
And I decide to make the Paw Patrol garage on the table. So Ian can do that without Willie being there.
26:49 - 27:04
There are 41 stickers. We're like, we should have, done this last night. Perfectly, you know, and then, then suddenly you really think, well, I'm going to do this exactly straight sticker 24 because I want to get it right.
27:04 - 27:11
And then by the time I'm really into it, Ian is off doing his train set, but I'm now fully focused on the stickers and the Paw Patrol.
27:11 - 27:30
I do think about like, it's not quite the Paw Patrol garage, but sometimes in the Lego shop, you'll see like not even Wembley stadium, but London, what's the OXO building in London or something or Tower Bridge.
27:30 - 27:40
Yeah. And some granny somewhere has bought that for a child. Some child has gone, can you please get me Lego for Christmas?
27:40 - 27:56
And granny's just gone in there. I gone, we'll have, we'll have that there. The shard, the child who was hoping for Moana to did the play set with the boat has instead got the,
27:56 - 28:10
the most tedious 48 bag three day operation to build some shit. Yeah. One of the magic circle law firms, uh, slaughter and may Lego.
28:10 - 28:17
Oh, brilliant. We've got you the, um, the, the bridge in Reading over the train track.
28:17 - 28:26
It takes 25 years to build. So anyway, this takes us to around, um, nine o'clock.
28:26 - 28:32
So Willie needs a little nap. So I take him on a pram walk. Uh, I think I listened to test match special on the way.
28:32 - 28:41
Um, uh, was Andy on this one? I don't know if Andy was on this one, but it's sort of look ahead to boxing day test.
28:41 - 28:49
Um, no spoilers. I won't say what's happened on day one. Uh, 10 o'clock. We get to last year's cafe.
28:49 - 28:55
Do you remember last year's cafe? This is where, this is where the three quarters flat white began.
28:56 - 29:01
And anyway, there are two bit like last year. There are two cafes open. One is incredibly busy.
29:01 - 29:04
We go to the one we went to last time. We're going to sit in.
29:04 - 29:09
We're not getting takeaways. We're going to sit in cause it's pretty quiet. Um, it's a nice day.
29:09 - 29:14
See the sun's out now. Uh, and I get a long black. I'm not going to make the same mistake twice.
29:14 - 29:20
And Jamie gets a double espresso and hot milk on the side. So she can make her own strong flat white.
29:20 - 29:28
So this is good stuff. The coffee's good. We're happy. Uh, Ian really wants to, get out to Edinburgh gardens to trial the bike.
29:28 - 29:39
So we do that. We get to Edinburgh gardens. The skate park is there are no, sometimes you go in the afternoon and there are like men skateboarding really fast.
29:39 - 29:44
And then it's not the place for a three-year-old. The other day there was like, it's sort of really hipster place.
29:44 - 29:50
There's quite often like, you know, there's weed and sometimes there's just a man playing electric guitar.
29:50 - 29:58
And you're like, okay, this is fine. And you know, and there are kids amidst, you know, you know, it's quite a good, all human life is here type skate park.
29:58 - 30:04
But, but we, I sort of feel once the men are there, you just, it's just not fair on them.
30:04 - 30:09
They've come for their skateboarding. You can't have your three-year-old on a bike with stabilizers.
30:09 - 30:17
You get it. You're just lads. I'll be back in three hours. Can you just teach them the ways of the world?
30:17 - 30:25
And also all along the watchtower. Someone's playing Eric playing Layla. And you're like, no, no, no, no.
30:25 - 30:33
And so we get on the skate park and he's a bit tentative because he's really good in the balance bike, but the stabilizers changed the dynamic a lot.
30:33 - 30:41
Here's where me and Jamie have our only sort of this argument of the day, which is, I think, I think we get rid of them.
30:41 - 30:47
Yeah. Because, because cycling is not about turning the handlebars. It's all about balance and swaying.
30:47 - 30:58
You know, this is like a quote from. Yeah. Cycling is not about. But you don't, to turn right, you lead into the corner, don't you?
30:58 - 31:06
Like you lead into it. Whereas once you've got stabilizers, you're basically turning it like it's a sort of old, like it's a, like a mobility scooter.
31:06 - 31:12
Anyway, I'm trying to explain, I'm explaining the physics of this to Jamie. Who's looking at me like I'm a twat.
31:12 - 31:20
Probably fair enough. Anyway, that's fine. Ian is doing okay, but he's, you know, like it's, it's a sort of backward step to go forwards.
31:20 - 31:28
What is the stabilizers? I think. So interruption here, with some David had already practical life advice.
31:28 - 31:33
I did think the beauty of the balance bike was that it did eliminate this.
31:33 - 31:48
That's what I thought. The stabilizers. And to the point where I was teaching someone how to cycle recently, who had a bike and the internet said, and it works, you take the pedals off.
31:48 - 31:55
So you basically turn an actual bike into a balance bike and you go to a really gentle hill.
31:55 - 32:02
On grass. And they figured that out. And then when you put the pedals on, it's just like, you don't have to push the pedals.
32:02 - 32:11
Just rest your feet on the pedal. You know, that's step two. And then step three is bloody Liège passed on Liège or one of the early season classics.
32:11 - 32:16
Anyway. So, so we do a bit of that, but I think I want to, I want to get rid of these.
32:16 - 32:21
I think it's, I think it's taking him back a step and he doesn't need that at this stage of life.
32:21 - 32:28
He needs to get on his bike. Okay. So I get the tram home with, with Willie.
32:28 - 32:34
Jay gets the drives home with Ian because the bike and the pram don't fit in the car together.
32:34 - 32:41
That's something we've learned. So anyway, we, we play outside for a bit. Willie's time for a nap.
32:41 - 32:45
I have a little lie down for about 10, 15 minutes, but got to get up because we're hosting.
32:45 - 32:53
And so I get the big ready meal Christmas dinner box. Well, hang on. You're you're hosting.
32:53 - 32:59
How many people are you hosting? Seven adults, four kids. No. Yeah. Seven adults, four kids.
32:59 - 33:09
So you've ordered Christmas dinner for seven and a box. Yeah. I'm kidding. I'm lying to you.
33:09 - 33:13
I'm lying. We're doing this properly. I've got two chickens. We're in charge of pigs in blankets.
33:13 - 33:22
We've got some sprouts and we're doing, I'm doing the roast chicken. Okay. So I prepare the roast chickens with a sort of a garlic herb butter.
33:22 - 33:29
You put that under the skin. And then chuck that in the oven. The family arrive.
33:29 - 33:35
Pobby C, auntie Allie, uncle Zave. Yes. They're two kids. Let's call them Sheila and Bruce.
33:35 - 33:43
Good Aussie names. Uncle and auntie Sarah, right? That's who's here. Yeah. I'm mainly cooking with uncle Xavier.
33:43 - 33:46
He's bought the potatoes. He's bought some other sprouts that have got bacon in and stuff.
33:46 - 33:53
Pobby C's brought the cauliflower cheese. Xavier's going to make some Yorkshire puddings as well.
33:53 - 34:01
So anyway, we've got a good old spread here. Interruption. Yes, David. Excuse me. Is Turkey not as big a thing there?
34:01 - 34:09
You said two chickens, or is it just because they're clearly more delicious? Size of oven as well is an issue.
34:09 - 34:15
And so, you know, and two chickens is better than one Turkey. As they say, as they say.
34:15 - 34:24
It's in poker. You got to know when to hold them. Now, if you remember from last year, last year was when I learned that if you just drink champagne all day,
34:24 - 34:32
you don't get a bad hangover. So I'm on the champagne. I've had it. Actually, while we were waiting, it was really sunny outside, but not too hot.
34:32 - 34:36
I had a couple of glasses of white wine to sound the sun, the calm before the storm.
34:36 - 34:41
That was great. So then I'm on the champagne. Me and David cooking emergency klaxon.
34:41 - 34:50
And this is, this could change things. Auntie Ellie has bought a cheese board. Dueling cheese boards.
34:50 - 35:01
Is that a cheese board? I don't know. Yeah, but it's Aussie cheeses. So, you know, it's just like, you don't know what cheeses it is.
35:01 - 35:07
Yeah. It's, it's, there's only, do you not want someone muscling in on your cheese board territory?
35:07 - 35:16
There's only four cheeses in Australia. There's Perth Gouda, you know, then you've got Adelaide Gouda.
35:16 - 35:30
Galah Gouda. Yeah. I will, for the tape, it's a two cheese board, but, she brings it out before, like, before just to eat snacks.
35:30 - 35:35
I'm like, this is not where the cheese board comes out. Bullshit. Yeah. Bullshit. Bullshit, Ali.
35:35 - 35:43
But it's a two cheese board. So if you want to have a guess, David, on like, it's sort of like the Fisher Price version of curdle is the two cheese board.
35:43 - 36:00
Do you want me to guess right now? Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So she'll have gone for a, a soft and a hard, or so we're going to say a brie of some kind.
36:00 - 36:15
We will, we'll give it an Aussie twist. We call it a noosa brie. And then the other famous, just a smoked cheddar from Darwin, Darwin smoked.
36:15 - 36:23
Okay. So that's a quicker cheese board than curdle ever was. So we are, that's correct.
36:23 - 36:35
Brie and cheddar. What is it in your nature that when people achieve things on this podcast, you have to just throw it away.
36:35 - 36:42
It's just, I think it's because working in the football chat business, it's all about build it up, build it up.
36:42 - 36:47
And as soon as the match happens, you're like, well, who cares about that? Cause you know, we've more to talk about.
36:47 - 36:55
Oh, what a gift. I have. Well done. It's cause you were so, you were so angry.
36:55 - 36:58
That I bought a cheese board to the table that you just thought I've got to get this right.
36:58 - 37:08
And you did, but it turns out you're the greatest player of curdle. And yet the curse is your curdle curse is you can't have a guess in curdle because you own the cheese board.
37:08 - 37:13
You're the ultimate master, but forever you will never be able to guess the cheeses, which is your calling.
37:13 - 37:20
We just got it. Okay. So well done. You got the cheese board exactly right in one guess.
37:20 - 37:30
So while the cooking is happening, we get on with the games. Okay. Round one is affectionately called family teabagging.
37:30 - 37:47
So on the deck is a line of chalk is drawn and then you have to wear a teabag and then you have to throw it about three feet into a mug and you get three goes.
37:47 - 38:02
Oh, it's good fun. Interesting. Because I've, you know, I have several incredible, life skills, but one is throwing teabags into mugs, but I will see from the, from the packet.
38:02 - 38:10
I'll be like tea or coffee. They say tea, but I Frisbee, the dry teabag straight from the box.
38:10 - 38:17
Yeah, I understand. Now this is a wet one and it's going further. Now I was saying, you know, should we have a selection of teabags?
38:17 - 38:22
Would Roy Bush travel differently to English breakfast? At this point, Jamie tells me to shut up.
38:22 - 38:29
But anyway, Jamie gets a, I can't remember who else gets a point. We've divided, we've done a draw for team A and team B.
38:29 - 38:34
I was in team B with Jamie and Ali, I think. And then the others were in team B.
38:34 - 38:43
You've got Jonathan Wilson to do a 45 minute podcast on the history, how the Hungarians really rewrote the script for family teabagging in the 1950s.
38:43 - 38:51
Of course. Yeah. And the draw, Gianni was there and Trump and Adele played and then ZZ Top.
38:51 - 39:01
So round one is, uh, family teabagging. That's good fun. Round two is called not that color, which sounds more racist than it is.
39:01 - 39:13
Sorry, Robbie Williams just utterly dispassionately sang some song about the world coming together for, for throwing team back for throwing with teabags.
39:13 - 39:27
Yeah. Just with a look of absolute deadness in his eyes. So, so not that color is, um, Jamie saw on a reel where we've got, uh, sort of like, maybe 10 little stepping stones,
39:27 - 39:39
polystyrene stepping stones, all different colors. And so we lay out five of them and you sit opposite your, who you're playing against and somebody else just shouts a color and you just have to hit one that isn't that color.
39:39 - 39:43
So go green. You have to hit pink, purple. You have to agree with the T with the teabag.
39:43 - 39:47
No, the teabag is gone. Family teabag is round one. This is not that color, different round.
39:47 - 39:55
So you just have to keep hitting them. And so that's quite fun. Uh, I played probably see, and he hits the green straight away as soon as, as someone says green,
39:55 - 40:01
that's much hilarity there. Colin hasn't worked that out, but, um, that's a good game.
40:01 - 40:09
Uh, dinner's ready. So the adults sit at the big table. The kids don't really eat the pesto pasta.
40:09 - 40:15
They've got, don't touch any of the chicken, but that's fine. They're running around. Has anything broken?
40:15 - 40:20
Yes. Has anyone broken any of their Christmas presents? Yes. Has anyone stepped on the Paw Patrol garage?
40:20 - 40:26
Is Chase's voice just repeating over and over? Get the car, get the car, get the car.
40:26 - 40:34
And you're all losing your minds. No, nothing's broken actually so far. I don't think anything actually breaks on the day, which is quite impressive.
40:34 - 40:40
Um, and lunch is great. I mean, it's probably about half three, probably quarter to four by the time we're eating this.
40:40 - 40:47
And, uh, so we're all hungry and it's really delicious, but I don't go in for seconds because I'm full.
40:47 - 40:55
Uh, Zabe goes for seconds. What is this? I had a massive plate of dinner and, you know, probably a bowl of white, white wine.
40:55 - 41:00
Yeah. Um, I quite a lot of crisps. And obviously we had the cheese board early, which was, you know, a mistake.
41:00 - 41:07
Wild. We had this. Yeah. Cheese board. Uh, uh, we had a Christmas pudding right at the start.
41:07 - 41:13
So that really filled us all up. Now, Ian doesn't love huge crowds. So he's basically playing train set in his playroom.
41:13 - 41:24
So that's fine. Uh, Bruce. So that's sort of two year old Bruce. He, uh, is as his parents would say, it's like John Farnham and Steve Irwin had a baby.
41:24 - 41:31
He's like the most Australian, Australian person in the world. He's got like a big mullet and he's just hurling himself off the highest possible thing he can find.
41:31 - 41:41
He's good fun. He's staring at a, like a, a suburban strip mall, just holding a can of Cooper's pale ale.
41:41 - 41:45
And he just, he tears in his eyes. Like it's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.
41:45 - 41:52
And then he just picks up a spider and eats it. There's a certain way you can eat it where it doesn't bite you on the way down.
41:52 - 42:02
And he knows that. Um, and then, uh, we're inside. Um, and we play the final game, which is bash the thing where you lay out six things.
42:02 - 42:09
I think there's like a welly boot, uh, some kitchen roll, like a USB lead, a symbol and a spatula.
42:09 - 42:14
And then your teammates all have to close their eyes and you pick up two of them.
42:14 - 42:19
You bash them together three times, put them on the floor and everyone has to guess what have you, what two things have you bashed together?
42:19 - 42:27
It's quite fun. Um, so anyway, the first guest, the first team do it and they bash something and everyone's trying to guess.
42:27 - 42:35
And then Bruce to your, to your, Bruce just stands, gets off the sofa and picks up the two things that would just been bashed and bashes them about five times.
42:35 - 42:43
So that's a good way of guessing. Yeah. But then if anyone does guess it, you just emotionlessly say, correct.
42:43 - 43:00
Everyone has to leave. Oh, when Jamie teabagged correctly, I really celebrated. Um, now, at this stage, there's lots of Haribo and Cadbury's roses doing the rounds.
43:00 - 43:07
There's a cheesecake. Uh, there's a cafeteria and it's good. It's good stuff. We're doing clearing.
43:07 - 43:10
We're clearing up as we go. So we've done really well. The clear up is going really well.
43:10 - 43:19
The bins getting filled, the dishwasher's on all that stuff. Uh, it's impressive stuff. And, uh, I think uncle and auntie Sarah go somewhere.
43:19 - 43:27
They go, they, they leave and then it's time. Then probably see goes, and then it's time for the kids and save an alley to go.
43:27 - 43:33
But Bruce can't find a monster truck that he was given. So that's a bit of a delay and we can't find it.
43:33 - 43:42
We don't know where it is. Where's me fucking ute. Exactly. Fuck. F-A-A-A-A-A-R-K. Where's my fucking ute.
43:42 - 43:46
I think you've had a bit too much to drink to drive home. Fuck you.
43:46 - 43:53
I'm driving me ute out. You wanker. Yeah, exactly. And so, you know, they go home.
43:53 - 43:58
So then it's, then, it's bedtime for the boys. They're both pretty tired. Well done.
43:58 - 44:04
So, uh, Willie goes down pretty quickly. I do his bedtime. I do Ian's bedtime as well.
44:04 - 44:06
Cause I don't get to do it that often. Cause I'm always in the shed working.
44:06 - 44:13
He goes to sleep, listening to Paw Patrol, Mighty Pups. It's, it's 8 PM. I got it.
44:13 - 44:19
Is that one of those boxes with a picture of a Paw Patrol or with a sort of 3d printed Paw Patrol on it?
44:19 - 44:24
You know, those boxes. And when you put the character on top of the box, the box tells the story.
44:24 - 44:32
It's called a Yoto. It's quite good. It's sort of like a little, uh, I guess it's a little stereo for, you know, stories.
44:32 - 44:36
And you put a card in there. It tells a story. It is good. It's good.
44:36 - 44:45
Interruption. Did the great Christmas bunny emergency make any inroads with Ian Rushden? Do you know what?
44:45 - 44:48
I tried the start of episode one and he wanted to listen to Paw Patrol.
44:48 - 44:55
I'm not forcing this. I'm not forcing anything. I know I'm in it. He doesn't care.
44:55 - 45:04
He hears me a lot. You know, you know, so, uh, I mean, it is, I am planning to introduce it to them, but I just haven't got around to it yet.
45:04 - 45:13
You know, um, Jay's on the sofa eating peanut butter. I'm so full that I really want to go for a walk.
45:13 - 45:18
So I say, I'm going for Jay. Can I go for a walk? She's like, yeah, I'm seeing us over eating peanut butter.
45:18 - 45:24
So I go for a walk. I ring my parents, say, happy Christmas. Then I put on a random 90s playlist.
45:24 - 45:29
And I walk for half an hour. The ironic thing is, cause your parents are just waking up.
45:29 - 45:43
Your dad has got your mom, the Paw Patrol garage. It's almost, and your mom has got your dad, a central line train that goes next stop Oxford circus.
45:43 - 45:50
I know the central line doesn't go there. I think it does go there. Does it go there?
45:50 - 46:04
I'm not the mentor. Yeah. Bond street. Oxford circus. For the listeners, tears are starting to stream from his eyes as he lists more tube stations.
46:04 - 46:12
I never cared about it until I emigrated. So then I go for a walk.
46:12 - 46:19
I'm listening to right beside you, Sophie B Hawkins, walking along, having the evening of my thinking, this is great.
46:19 - 46:23
I'm doing some digesting. It's been a lovely day. Like they're great. They're easy company.
46:23 - 46:28
You know, it's like, it's a good family Christmas, easy company. I get home. Willie is up.
46:28 - 46:32
I get him down. I lay him on the bed. I lie next to him.
46:32 - 46:41
I go to sleep. 9pm out like a light. Great day. What a Christmas. David question for you.
46:41 - 46:45
What time did you wake up? I'm going to whip through this pretty quickly. Okay.
46:45 - 46:52
I woke up at. Are you saying I didn't whip through it? Cause I felt I was trying to whip through it, but there were lots of interruptions.
46:52 - 46:58
No. Yes. There were great. Interruptions reminiscent of a recent three part audio series. We did.
46:58 - 47:08
Well, it is worth saying for the type that Barca Jim hated the interruptions. And once he said without the interruptions and call me the C word again, but he is a fan of the board.
47:08 - 47:16
And so I wake up at seven 30, which is the normal Helen copter wake up time.
47:16 - 47:26
And, but I have bigger issues on my mind. I am having 20 people, over for Christmas dinner, 20.
47:26 - 47:39
Yeah. I know them all. I do. It's a, it's a blending together of the Helen copters and the various small Helen copters that make up that with, with her folks.
47:39 - 47:47
And I have bought the day before a Turkey, the size of maybe a baby T-Rex.
47:47 - 47:51
All right. So it's, it has to go in the oven two days ago, basically.
47:51 - 47:59
No, I, as, you know, my recipe technique is to read the microwave straight in the microwave.
47:59 - 48:09
It wouldn't fit. Honestly. Yeah. Get my head stuck in it. Like Mr. Bean. It's that size.
48:09 - 48:15
It's a, it's a bean ask. Like you have to carry it with two arms.
48:15 - 48:36
Like it's a headless baby. Yeah, that is bleak. So I've gone, I've, I've read about three Turkey recipes, all called like Nigella's best and Jamie's easiest and best.
48:36 - 48:54
Yeah. And for some reason I've decided to brine the Turkey the night before, which involves putting it in a sack of salty water and spices in the attempt to get some juice,
48:54 - 49:07
joy out of this flavorless carcass. Like chicken is the correct thing to do. And later in the day for my niece, she is five and just knows that she doesn't like Turkey,
49:07 - 49:10
but likes chicken. We have to refer to it as a chicken from that on.
49:10 - 49:17
And if this is a chicken, genetic engineering has gone too far. It's like Jurassic park.
49:17 - 49:24
Basically that's the chicken enclosure and you'll get eaten. Yeah. I had to shoot it with a high powered rifle.
49:24 - 49:38
Yeah. The, this thing is in a sack, like the size of Santa's sack. And I've had it in a plastic box for 12 hours now.
49:38 - 49:45
Right. Okay. This mixture of salt and honey and cloves and various things. Does it do anything?
49:45 - 49:54
We don't know really. But it sounds like you, you open the sack and it looks like one of those bodies that the murderous put in acid.
49:54 - 50:06
Yes. In fact, that's how Nigella describes it. Ideally you want to look in the sack and think, why did I murder this person?
50:06 - 50:15
So I've been worried all night because I didn't have, there is a sack you can get for brining.
50:15 - 50:23
That's more like a laboratory plastic bag. You don't have your own brining sack. So I've just used a bin bag.
50:23 - 50:28
Of course. Of course you have. Of course you have. But I figure we're going to be cooking it for five hours.
50:28 - 50:34
So whatever flavor is it or whatever, whatever the bin bag, it's just a plastic.
50:34 - 50:41
They're just normal bags. I think if you're using a new bin bag, it's I think a bin juice old bin bag, then you should worry.
50:41 - 50:45
But if you're just, if you're going to use, I would recommend a fresh bin bag for brining a turkey.
50:45 - 50:54
But actually some of the chefs say in order to give it some flavor, just put it in with the rankest nappies.
50:54 - 51:01
That you can find just stick it in your wheelie bin. And then that'll do it for six months.
51:01 - 51:10
So I've now, I wake up and take it out because it has absorbed some water.
51:10 - 51:17
You'd have to put it on a tray and just have it sweat for a minute.
51:17 - 51:24
Seep, have a seeping turkey on the counter. You want it to be dry. I wake, up.
51:24 - 51:32
I choose to put on Helen copter has got me my first ever pair of Birkenstocks.
51:32 - 51:39
Oh, okay. The next Lululemon. How are they? I don't know how I have you, you, you're a Birkenstocks guy.
51:39 - 51:48
I'm not, I'm not. Jamie likes them. Yeah. Does she bought me any ever? She bought me some sort of sandal-y thing, but no, I'm a, I'm a trainer.
51:48 - 51:58
I'm a, I'm a new balance, you know, orthopedically sensible trainers guy. I know, but back in the day, when you were working your way through the cast of Beverly Hills,
51:58 - 52:04
and I know two one, Oh, you were flip-flops. I was flip-flops for a bit.
52:04 - 52:10
I thought you might've gone flip-flops to Berks. So I've put these on and I don't know how I feel about it.
52:10 - 52:20
I'm trying to get used to being able to see my feet, which I feel have got the all health kick has gone out the window.
52:20 - 52:26
Cause it was my birthday last week. Big fat toes. Big toe. That is an issue.
52:26 - 52:36
The lads have really spilled. Do you like, like look side on you, put your toes side in the mirror and go, Ooh, I had to get longer laces in my shoes.
52:36 - 52:43
Cause they just went, just had to get 30 foot laces to get them to fit in my shoes.
52:43 - 52:57
Anyway, I do that. And I have got special Christmas sausages. So I decide I will cycle down, to Anne and Jim and make them a Christmas breakfast to mom and dad,
52:57 - 53:07
who played such beautiful piano on our story thing. And an interesting site. I feel it's also good to get out on the bike.
53:07 - 53:19
It's like a, you know, it's like a seven kilometer cycle. And I see an, I see an interesting thing though, Max, I see men generally, I cycle along the canal in Dublin.
53:19 - 53:27
I see men of about my age, just standing, staring, staring out into over the canal.
53:27 - 53:36
How many generally with the cigarette evenly spaced? Are they all evenly spaced? Like an Anthony Gormley exhibition has just arrived.
53:36 - 53:44
I see. Yeah. And with everyone, there's the different bleak short story to be written.
53:44 - 53:53
You know, I'm seeing breakups. I'm seeing regret. I'm seeing just, I have to go ahead and I need to get Tim foil.
53:54 - 54:10
And then three hours later, just standing, staring into the canal water. We go down, we have a great little breakfast with the lads, but I got to be back at 1230.
54:10 - 54:16
Hang on. Hang on. Are you having sausages for breakfast before Christmas dinner? Yes. Cause Christmas dinner.
54:16 - 54:21
Cause this is a five hour. We haven't put the Turkey in yet because it's a 20 pound Mr.
54:21 - 54:28
Bean size Turkey. That's we're looking at. Five hours plus 30 minutes of rest. Yeah. Okay.
54:28 - 54:43
Fine. Yeah. I've got these timings from the Irish food authorities. Cause my main concern, cause we're having the Helen copters and all of the O'Doherty's over is that no one dies of food poisoning.
54:43 - 54:50
You don't like layers. You kill both families and you inherit a lot, but it's sad.
54:50 - 54:59
It's it's the low, the bar is low from, from a master chef point of view or, or from a, uh, like a Michelin star.
54:59 - 55:02
If the chef comes out at the end of the meal, it goes, you enjoyed it.
55:02 - 55:12
Yes. Nobody is dead. Nobody is vomiting. Uh, this is good. Yes. So, so that's what I'm aiming for is zero, uh, death.
55:12 - 55:28
Christmas, uh, needs to be in for 1230. I whiz back more sad men Christmas morning on the canal and I rub butter and nutmeg all over the whole thing.
55:28 - 55:34
Right. Under the skin. That's the key. I cut under the skin. Yeah. Again, I'm blending.
55:34 - 55:42
I put like incredible things up. It's ours. Just myriad of different things. Great stuff.
55:42 - 55:48
Okay. I follow all of the lyrics of my favorite things, the song, or whatever she says.
55:48 - 55:59
A hat stand. You do, you do reverse Mary Poppins, hat stand, canaries, yes, a ringtail lemur.
55:59 - 56:13
The whole lot goes up there and it fits in the oven. Barely. It's just a normal size double oven, but the whole downstairs now has this, you know, mini Metro in it.
56:13 - 56:23
And normally I do manage not to in the past. I've cooked maybe three turkeys in my life and there's been sad moments.
56:23 - 56:29
When I'm just kneeling in front of the oven. Cause it says, don't open it.
56:29 - 56:42
Just staring through that odd kind of slightly speckled. Orange sepia. Yeah. Just, just knocking at a cage and giving it a thumbs up to it.
56:42 - 56:53
People start to arrive at about three in the afternoon. I mean, it is one of the beautiful things of Christmas is we've had a WhatsApp group.
56:53 - 56:57
And it's this, what you have to do. This is what you have to do.
56:57 - 57:07
I do that. Well, I'll swap that with you. And it will be an incredible meal because my brother's made roasters.
57:07 - 57:20
My sister has for five hours, a Christmas pudding bubbling away. My nephew has made sprouts that he's like cooked in jelly tots or something.
57:20 - 57:30
So in a similar way to when you read, I read Nigella's Turkey recipe. It says put goose fat all over the Turkey.
57:30 - 57:35
So you're just like Nigella. You're just trying to pretend it's not a Turkey. I see what you're doing here.
57:35 - 57:49
Similarly, my nephew has candied these sprouts and then the Helen's brother. I mean, spoiler alert has brought cheese.
57:49 - 57:55
Whoa. Mm hmm. Now it's a, surely in the WhatsApp group. Surely in the WhatsApp group.
57:55 - 58:04
You've said I've got cheeses covered. Owen listens to the podcast. I see. He is like, you're meddling with the format.
58:04 - 58:13
Owen, here we go. Paralyzed by fear in the cheese job. Cause he knows this could live with him for the next six months.
58:13 - 58:19
So it's his cheese board. Well, it's going to be a blended cheese board. A blended cheese board.
58:19 - 58:28
Wow. Okay. Because I have some cheeses that were left over from, from my birthday party last week.
58:28 - 58:37
Okay. The. Hang on a second. So these are not, these are leftover cheeses. These are not leftover cheeses.
58:37 - 58:48
There's no point in, but as we've stated before, people are pretty full after this insane meal.
58:48 - 58:59
I agree with that. But in interruption, I feel like, I feel like the competitors of curdle would like to be playing with fresh cheeses, not hand me down cheese.
58:59 - 59:10
These are all for like, what is, what is the cheese? If not just an off cut of a larger cheese, like there's no way we're having it.
59:10 - 59:20
You want entire wheels of cheese brought out. Fresh cheese on fresh cheese. Okay. I know we've not got there yet.
59:20 - 59:23
We've not got there yet. Yeah, no, no, no, we've not got there yet. I'm aware.
59:23 - 59:28
We've got, we've got 30 seconds until the, the dream hour length of the pod. We may go.
59:28 - 59:37
Okay. I'll, I'll go through this. No, no, people like it. It's, it's not a huge kitchen, but we've managed to get 20 seats.
59:37 - 59:44
Great. Great. Everyone's got a little spot. Okay. We've given it a little seating plan.
59:44 - 59:50
This is where you're going to be, but we've told the oldies that they get the comfy chairs.
59:50 - 1:00:01
Got it. While there is a general, falling off of chairs. Is it sort of like, you know, you've got about 12 sensible chairs and then some few stools.
1:00:01 - 1:00:07
There's one of those giant inflatable armchairs. Someone's in it. Someone's in a deck chair.
1:00:07 - 1:00:16
And there's just a futile on the end. Someone's on like a 100 beer cans just built into a throne shape.
1:00:16 - 1:00:23
Yes. It's very much like that. We borrowed chairs from various places. We borrowed a crock.
1:00:23 - 1:00:38
We borrowed a crockery as well. No, you don't need 20 cert settings of stuff. This happens, but once a year, and it goes great to be honest, the, uh, the, the,
1:00:38 - 1:00:50
the, everything's been getting heated up. If there's a problem with my system, it's that because I'm following food, safe Ireland's recommendations for cooking a Turkey of this size, which is,
1:00:50 - 1:00:57
it's burned to an absolute cinder. The driest thing that has ever, it is like crumpled parchment.
1:00:57 - 1:01:05
No, I'm doing it properly. As things start to look overdone, I come in with the tin foil.
1:01:05 - 1:01:17
Then I have tinfoil over the drumsticks. Oh, you don't foil the meat because then the skin will get soft, but it's, it is an absolute triumph of a meal.
1:01:17 - 1:01:30
Not from my point of view, just from the point of view of all of these disparate elements coming together there are 20 people eat their own body weight.
1:01:30 - 1:01:39
We we've started, if you want to know the full plan, it starts with a smoked salmon on brown bread with some pate.
1:01:39 - 1:01:49
Totally unnecessary. Absolute. I know, but the problem is because the Turkey is taking a very, very long time.
1:01:49 - 1:01:53
You can't have people sitting in the sitting room for two and a half hours.
1:01:53 - 1:02:04
Joe, the episode, a faulty towers. We talk about faulty towers so much where ducks off that one, where Polly ends up like singing songs from the King and I just to distract.
1:02:04 - 1:02:10
You don't want to get to that situation. So that's why we're, we've got plenty of drink options.
1:02:10 - 1:02:20
We've got kids running around and I've converted this, my podcast studio slash spare room into a house of fun.
1:02:20 - 1:02:25
I have a sack of old teddies. That belongs to various people in the family.
1:02:25 - 1:02:30
The teddies need to be put into bed, taken out of bed, et cetera. Wake up the teddies.
1:02:30 - 1:02:46
We hand out presents in this interregnum as well before the meal. I do pretty well, to be honest, I get the Hummel Spurs Jersey from the Gary Lineker.
1:02:46 - 1:02:59
Oh yes. The Lineker era. Yeah. It's really, really good. A bunch of other great stuff, but it's time for the turkey.
1:02:59 - 1:03:11
Everyone comes down. Oh, interruption. I forgot to say, I forgot to say the presence between me and Jamie where she got me two pairs of pants, three t-shirts and a pair of shorts.
1:03:11 - 1:03:19
And I got a frying pan, which doesn't work on an induction heater at home and a plastic wooden spoon and a spatula.
1:03:23 - 1:03:31
That is awful stuff. It's terrible from both of us. Yep. Yep. I do. I do really, really well.
1:03:31 - 1:03:50
I am on, I'm aware while the turkey is about to come out, I am on the Christmas special of the weakest link on BBC one because I have identified the new Pope as Pope Luigi instead of Pope Leo.
1:03:50 - 1:04:03
And I've been voted off. Round two, round one, we got everything right. We maxed out me and Martine McCutcheon, uh, or this is why television is so funny.
1:04:03 - 1:04:15
Are you a team? You and Martine McCutcheon. We are because we're so such good quizzers max out on round one, which is like three and a half grand or something.
1:04:15 - 1:04:21
And I'm looking at this situation as like, we're about to absolutely defraud the BBC.
1:04:21 - 1:04:33
Yeah. And Robinson is going to be bankrupt. Yeah. Yeah. There's going to be more layoffs announced at the BBC due to David had already being incredible at the weakest link at Christmas.
1:04:33 - 1:04:43
Um, I'm dressed as a Christmas cracker on it. Lou Sanders is the other comedy turn and she is dressed as a Christmas pudding.
1:04:43 - 1:04:50
Yeah. I, uh, so no one makes an error in round one. So it's really hard to vote anyone off.
1:04:50 - 1:04:58
So who goes, the group makes an arbitray decision and votes off blu hydrangea from drag race.
1:04:58 - 1:05:07
Just, and then, I mean, so it's just a situation where it's round two then.
1:05:07 - 1:05:19
And because I said, Pope Luigi, instead of Pope Leo, everyone votes me off. But I suppose, I suppose, you know, you're not from a Catholic country.
1:05:19 - 1:05:25
So like, how are you expected? So I'm pretty sure, when they say, what's the name of the new Pope?
1:05:25 - 1:05:33
Everyone rolls their eyes. And they're just like, oh, this is such a setup. They obviously want to keep funny man here.
1:05:33 - 1:05:40
While me, merely the guy who does the showbiz news on Lorraine, they want, they want me off.
1:05:40 - 1:05:44
So they've given him, you know what I mean? What colors are on the Irish flag?
1:05:44 - 1:05:56
I want this again. But yeah, for some reason, Pope Leo just hasn't penetrated. And I did get a lot of feedback from listeners to this podcast.
1:05:56 - 1:06:03
They said, now we know what you are filming in Belgium. I would like to say we did not film the Christmas.
1:06:03 - 1:06:10
They don't fill the weakest link in Belgium. It's the tax rates on filming. You have to go to Belgium.
1:06:10 - 1:06:19
All the British TV comes out of Belgium, EastEnders. That's filmed in Brussels. We actually, we actually recorded it in English.
1:06:19 - 1:06:29
And then Martine McCutcheon, Ramesh, all of us recorded it then in, in various continental European languages.
1:06:29 - 1:06:36
Heartbeat was filmed in Leuven, wasn't it? Do you remember it? Last of the summer wine.
1:06:36 - 1:06:47
It was in Bruges. Yeah. I'm out of Belgian places now. Yeah. I let myself down there quite badly.
1:06:47 - 1:06:56
It's the meal. The meal is sensational. The smoked salmon for all your hating has done its thing.
1:06:56 - 1:07:05
Everyone's ready for this. Great wines. Helen's dad has brought a wine from 1988. A bottle.
1:07:05 - 1:07:12
Yeah. That when I tried to get the cork out, the cork does not come out.
1:07:12 - 1:07:18
Because the wine has, I think this happens when some wines are stored in their side.
1:07:18 - 1:07:25
It's basically, it's a write-off. It's a, it's corked. And what was it like? It's like meant to be worth a million pounds.
1:07:25 - 1:07:33
I don't know, but it does seem quite a long time ago, even if it is after Stephen Roche's victory in the 1987 Tour de France.
1:07:33 - 1:07:42
We sieve it, however, and some of it goes into the gravy because even gone off wine, it's fine.
1:07:42 - 1:07:50
It's fine in gravy. Yeah. So we do consume it. Nonetheless, the courses then happen.
1:07:50 - 1:07:59
There's Christmas pudding. And because we do, the thing where you light, my sister lights vodka and pours, it turns off all the lights, pours it over.
1:07:59 - 1:08:11
So you get that celestial sort of Northern lights type burning thing. There is a two five-year-olds there who, you know, other people's Christmas stuff is weird.
1:08:11 - 1:08:27
Yeah. It doesn't get any weirder than basically a ghost cake appearing. I'm not sure how happy the kids are with this, but there's also ice cream, cheesecake, fruit salad.
1:08:27 - 1:08:34
Like it is absolutely ridiculous. It's like a Disney cartoon as more and more comes out.
1:08:34 - 1:08:43
Hoisin, crispy owl, mystery meat, you know. There. And then to finish, there is a cheese board.
1:08:43 - 1:08:48
Okay. We'll come back to that. Now you're talking. Okay, we'll come back to the end.
1:08:48 - 1:09:05
Okay. The highlight of the whole day for me was the two five-year-olds. I bought, so as you know, my favorite quiz in a box is one called Linky, which is created by Jimmy Wales,
1:09:05 - 1:09:21
the guy, the Wikipedia guy. It's his board game where there's four questions and you answer them and they're fairly easy, but it's quite New York Times connections-y because you're looking for the thing that links the four questions.
1:09:21 - 1:09:27
Okay, got it. Well, they brought out a version, a version of it for the under 10s called Dinky.
1:09:27 - 1:09:41
So I have the two five-year-olds there and so I decide I will launch. Now, the reason this is incredible is because I don't think they've ever done a quiz before.
1:09:41 - 1:09:48
Like they're used to people saying, pick that up, you know, have you got your something?
1:09:48 - 1:09:59
And yet these are questions being asked for no real purpose. So it's just the utter delight of the supreme pointlessness of this.
1:09:59 - 1:10:08
So the questions are like, what is yellow and in the sky, the sun? It's that sort of stuff.
1:10:08 - 1:10:18
Right. Okay. Yeah. Thanks for giving me the answer. The problem is that neither of them can read yet to that level.
1:10:18 - 1:10:27
So I am whispering in the ear of one and if, if she knows the answer, she just adds the answer on the end of it.
1:10:27 - 1:10:36
So she says, what yellow bendy fruit do chimpanzees like? A banana as the question.
1:10:36 - 1:10:44
So it's a beautiful formative moment and a great life of quizzing is definitely going to happen.
1:10:44 - 1:10:52
Then the evening, I mean, I won't go into the rest of it too much, but it, it follows like a beautiful Christmas.
1:10:53 - 1:11:04
It's great to have Jim and I in 87, 88 there, 86, 87, sorry. And dad plays the piano, plays some Christmas tunes that anyone wants.
1:11:04 - 1:11:15
That's lovely. We're so stuffed yet still, obviously after rates come out, then a Turkish delight, stuff like that.
1:11:15 - 1:11:19
You know, you're cramming. It's a new deal. What you've basically, this is just like, it's like a movie Christmas.
1:11:19 - 1:11:25
And you say, Hey Jim, can you play mad world? It's tears for fears. The slow version.
1:11:25 - 1:11:41
He's like, yeah, sure. Yeah. Small boy. That's my favorite bit in Casablanca. Sam play the slow version of mad world from Donnie Darko.
1:11:41 - 1:11:52
And the evening that sort of loosens up the kids head on. I think everyone's had a great time.
1:11:53 - 1:12:11
There was a rocket on a pump that you stand on and fire. That was really fun because I sell a taped neon, you know, those tubes you break and they go like a Tron and the kids just coming to terms with that.
1:12:11 - 1:12:17
So the three year old, the first time he did it, he wanted to watch it going up.
1:12:17 - 1:12:23
So stood with his head directly over it. So just fired the rocket directly to his face.
1:12:23 - 1:12:34
And you only make that mistake once. These are great learning moments. And then my niece, my 20 year old niece's friend arrives at about 10.
1:12:34 - 1:12:43
She always comes and she just adds to the jollity, more grownup quizzing, more messing around, more eating.
1:12:43 - 1:12:59
Her friend eats a lot of the cheeses. Then just good time cracks, such as the two 20 year olds, photoshopping Jeffrey Epstein into photos.
1:12:59 - 1:13:05
They've taken off my house and trying to allege that, you know, just really wholesome.
1:13:05 - 1:13:19
I will say, David, trying to get yourself out of the files by saying these two 20 year olds, you've invented a photoshop you into the Epstein files to get you out of Christmas yesterday in my house,
1:13:19 - 1:13:28
please. That's what they all say. And, uh, one 30, me and Helen copter sit on the couch, shake hands, job.
1:13:28 - 1:13:34
Well done. Everyone seems to be alive. We've also pulled, they all gone. They all gone at one.
1:13:34 - 1:13:41
Yeah. Pulled all the meat off the Turkey and given everyone boxes of food. Are you making a stock?
1:13:41 - 1:13:46
Are you making a stock at one? My mom is, we are going to go away for a few days.
1:13:46 - 1:13:54
So tomorrow. So there is not much left. There's no, need for us to stock it up.
1:13:54 - 1:14:07
You can't be making a stock on Christmas day. Mom's going to do that. And yeah, Helen gives me my present at one 30 and I give her a gift.
1:14:07 - 1:14:14
I've got her a necklace. That's nice. Yeah. You can tell it wasn't very expensive.
1:14:14 - 1:14:21
Does it say DOD on it? I say to her, do you know Mr. T?
1:14:21 - 1:14:30
Well, he would wear, any of these. And she gives me the book that I wanted at another nice little thing.
1:14:30 - 1:14:36
And yeah, we go to bed and that's, that's what I did yesterday. Great day.
1:14:36 - 1:14:48
Great day. Happy Christmas. Yeah. Okay. Then let's get down to business. Five, four, three,
1:14:53 - 1:15:30
two, one. I've got cheese. This is cheese. Now, obviously this is the difficult second cheese board, right?
1:15:30 - 1:15:34
It is. Everyone knows your breakout cheese board is going to be huge, huge success.
1:15:34 - 1:15:40
Yeah. We don't know how long this will last. We don't know where it'll go.
1:15:40 - 1:15:51
Yeah. But you have to get through cheese boards two to nine before you get to the 10th anniversary girdle, which will be an absolutely beautiful thing in 2035.
1:15:53 - 1:16:00
So get your enjoyment while you can. But in many ways, we're going through the motions for this is good.
1:16:00 - 1:16:08
The wrong way to look at this. Okay. No, no, I'm excited. Didn't say, Oh, we've done meet the Beatles.
1:16:08 - 1:16:16
Yeah. Probably our next few albums will be really weak. No, they just released banger cheese board after banger.
1:16:16 - 1:16:25
Got it. Okay. So to people who may not have listened last year, if they, haven't go and listen back, you don't deserve.
1:16:25 - 1:16:36
There were five, there are five cheeses on this blended cheese board. How many interesting, how many is Owen brought and how many are your cheeses?
1:16:36 - 1:16:46
Owen has brought five and then there are probably another three. So we're not going to do all eight.
1:16:46 - 1:16:52
I have, I've just put it to five, the five that came out on the cheese board.
1:16:52 - 1:17:03
Okay. This is the sacred number. Of course it is. Yeah. Okay. And I invite you, the listeners to try and guess what those cheeses were.
1:17:03 - 1:17:07
I mean, that's the intro to it, isn't it? Do I have the first guess or not?
1:17:07 - 1:17:14
You may have the first guess, Max. Okay. But you see with your cheese board, you have to get them in order as well.
1:17:14 - 1:17:20
Don't you? There's right cheese, wrong place. And there's bing, bing, bing, bing. Oh yeah, there is.
1:17:20 - 1:17:25
Right cheese, wrong place. And bing, bing, bing, bing. But how does this work when it's the first one?
1:17:25 - 1:17:32
I think it's just, oh, you have to guess a full cheese board. I have to guess a full cheese board.
1:17:32 - 1:17:40
Yeah. So I guess a full cheese board and it begins by you going, making the noise that you make best.
1:17:40 - 1:17:47
Yeah. But that's only if you get one right. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, that's just enter the game.
1:17:47 - 1:17:53
And then bing, bing, bing, bing is right cheese, right place, right cheese, wrong place is just right.
1:17:53 - 1:18:00
Who's wrong place. So I haven't made this sound for, I think I made it once at a podcast over the summer.
1:18:00 - 1:18:05
So I just hope I can still do it the way you never lose it.
1:18:05 - 1:18:09
No, you know, the way boy Sopranos one day, they just can't do it anymore.
1:18:09 - 1:18:17
So I remember when somebody I knew ran into my house, I ran into school and said, Alan Jones, his voice has broken.
1:18:17 - 1:18:23
I didn't really know what it meant. I was like, poor Alan Jones. He's got, I can't speak anymore.
1:18:23 - 1:18:33
We're walking in the, here we go. Could Alan Jones do this? Oh, lovely stuff.
1:18:33 - 1:18:55
Okay. I'm going. It's left to right. Obviously. Yeah. Compta. Chevra. Mature cheddar. Brie. What's the, what's the sound for right cheese, wrong place.
1:18:55 - 1:19:04
You just say right cheese, wrong place. Right cheese, wrong place. Camembert. Okay. So there we are.
1:19:04 - 1:19:09
So it's still a five cheese board. Brie is there, but it's not in the fourth position.
1:19:09 - 1:19:14
So basically if it was wordle, it's gray, gray, gray, yellow, gray. That's what we've got.
1:19:14 - 1:19:23
The board is now open to everyone, much like they're just normal countries. And that is certainly enough for us.
1:19:23 - 1:19:31
Do you know what me and Jamie were just saying? Because obviously we go back to London and we were saying how much we loved staying in the Lensbury to get over jet lag.
1:19:31 - 1:19:35
And we're saying, fuck, I hope I see some famous people in Tenet in July.
1:19:35 - 1:19:50
Yeah, but that we only hope that if the cheese board is out of the way, because this format cannot handle three shitty quizzes at the same time.
1:19:50 - 1:19:57
It'll handle what it handles. That's, you know, we can't, we can't dictate that. We just need the listeners to focus.
1:19:57 - 1:20:08
So if you would like to get in touch with the podcast to either play they're just normal countries or curdle, I here's how to get in touch to get in touch with the show.
1:20:08 - 1:20:17
You can email us at what did you do yesterday? Pod at gmail.com. Follow us on Instagram at yesterday pod, and please subscribe and leave a review.
1:20:17 - 1:20:22
If you liked it on your preferred podcast platform. And if you didn't, please don't.
1:20:23 - 1:20:36
Thank you, David. Happy Christmas. New year. Yeah. As I said, we are taking a bit of a break, but season four will be out in the new year at some point.
1:20:36 - 1:20:43
So look out for it. And don't, don't forget us. Yeah. Yeah. Please don't. These have been great times.
1:20:43 - 1:20:55
I will see you next week. Thanks. And happy Christmas to Mars bar who has, who has spent a year doing all of this too.
1:20:55 - 1:20:59
Thank you, Mars bar. Thank you. We'll everything is showbiz.