S3 EP27: Rob Auton

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Podcasts, there are millions of them. Some might say too many. I have one already.

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I don't have any because there are enough. Politics, business, sport, you name it. There's a podcast about it and they all ask the big questions and cover the hot topics of the day.

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But nobody is covering the most important topic of all. Why is that? Are they scared?

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Too afraid of being censored by the man? Possibly, but not us. We're here to ask the only question that matters.

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We try and say it at the same time, Max. What did you do yesterday?

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What did you do yesterday? What did you do yesterday? That's it. All we're interested in is what the guest got up to yesterday.

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Nothing more. Day before yesterday, Max. Nope. The greatest and most interesting day of your life.

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Unless it was yesterday, we don't want to know about it. I'm Max Rushden. And I'm David O'Doherty.

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Welcome to What Did You Do Yesterday? Hello and welcome to today's episode of What Did You Do Yesterday?

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My name is Max Rushden. Alongside me, David O'Doherty. Welcome, David. Do you know Rob Auton?

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I do now. I was asking the listeners. Oh, right. I see. Seems strange. I mean, for the tape, we're recording this maybe a week after the episode.

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But, you know, I remember the conversation. I'd known his work. I'd followed him already and I'd enjoyed his pathos.

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And, like you, think he's, like, the perfect fit for this podcast. So what Rob does is, like, squeezes the essence out of the most mundane things that happen.

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Like, that's his stand-up comedy. He could sue us. I mean, he could sue us, couldn't he?

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He did end up, like, in a way I was hoping for one of those, oh, I can't believe you picked yesterday as my yesterday because nothing happened.

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Whereas his was actually pretty exciting by any standards. Yeah, totally. Yeah, a lot's happening.

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He's actually doing some work without giving too many spoilers away. It's probably our first dipping our toe into movies, isn't it?

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Yes, dipping not that far. We haven't dunked into movies. No, we haven't. Please be, if you don't know him, check out Rob Auton.

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He's at Rob Auton on the Instagram application, which is what app is probably short for.

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He's on tour, I think, in the new year with his show called Can, the story of a man called Can, and he just does it a little different to everyone else.

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When he's feeling like it, he does daily podcasts, the Rob Auton daily as well.

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Can I just say, also, for the tape, the episode begins with one of my favorite things of David Googling the synopsis of Speed 2 for reasons I can't quite work out.

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Anyway, but I would suggest get past that bit before we get into it. Completists, watch all of Speed 2 before you listen to the episode.

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This is what Rob Auton did yesterday. Rob Auton, welcome to What Did You Do Yesterday?

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Hello, thank you for having me. It's great to be here. I don't want to big this up before we've started, but it's almost like you were bred in a lab for this podcast, I feel.

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Just the correct amount of introspection, but also relentless moving forward through life, like a train that's out of control, like speed, but with a train.

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That might have been Speed 2. Well, that's a great compliment. Let's see. What were they on a train in Speed 2?

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Speed 1 was a bus. Speed 1's a bus. The Father Tad one is, he's on a milk float.

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Yeah, that wasn't an official part of the franchise. Hang on. Hang on. Let me just check what happens in Speed 2.

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Speed 2, yeah. What's the first thing that's come up when I put the word speed into my computer?

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Speed test. Where to get speed for middle-aged Irishmen? Is that? Why did Speed 2 flop?

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Speed 2 is 1997. It's called Cruise Control. Okay. Oh, it's a romantic cruise to the Caribbean, but cruises famously go quite slowly.

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And once at sea, however, a disgruntled passenger has other plans. John Geiger, the designer of the ship's computer system, was fired and cast aside by the computer company, and now he wants revenge.

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He set the ship on a collision course with an oil tanker. Uh-oh. So, David, what part of the, is Robin, the Speed 2 analogy?

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Is he the oil tanker or the ship? Oh, interesting. Yeah, he is William Dafoe playing the disgruntled ex-computer company worker, and he is going to crash and burn this podcast such that this is the last episode ever.

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Yeah. So, with that in mind, Rob Auton, what time did you get up at yesterday?

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My alarm went off at 6.18am. Okay. Why? I like how specific it is. I could have had that two minutes in bed.

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It was just, I just mashed it. Yeah. I mashed the alarm in, and it was like, I thought to myself, why have I done that?

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And then I was looking through my notebook. The latest stuff, I've started not really worrying about whether I'm using upper or lowercase letters.

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So, I'm not really sure what's going on. 6.18am. But, you know, I got up.

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Straight away. Just straight away. Okay. Yeah, 6.18. And then, but I found this out about alarms.

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I don't know if you know this. I saw an Instagram video. Yeah. It was a thing about motivation.

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And this lady was like, you think I got all this by chance? Look at my alarms, man.

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But then she has hourly alarms. And then you can change the name of the alarm to set a specific reminder.

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I didn't know that. Oh, okay. All mine just used to say alarm. First question.

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Why are you getting up at 6.18am? It's the depths of winter. It's dark. Do you have cows to milk?

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I had to go to a, well, something I'll talk about in a bit. I had something on yesterday.

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Got it. Which, you know, it felt all right because some days I don't do very much.

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But yesterday I did. So on my alarms, the 6.18am one is, I just put today is a day that is part of your life.

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I guess it's motivational to an extent. I think so. I wrote that down in my notebook and it was like, all the days have to add up to, for me, I want to have like a good life, you know?

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So even when it doesn't feel like anything, it's still part of it. Yeah. So that was the first one.

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6.18, 7.30. The future depends on what you do today, and all that type of jazz, you know?

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Yeah, that's good. I'm having these alarms go off now. I really love it because I'm pretty good at focusing when I've got a deadline, but sometimes I can really just mill about, you know?

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So during yesterday, does your phone go off at various times? No, no, I took them all off.

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Now is the time to free yourself at 10 to 15 or whatever. Didn't Craig David have a watch with no hands on it?

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And it said now is the time, I think. All the time. For Craig David, all the time was...

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Was now is the time. Which, you know, would be annoying if, say, for example, you were playing five-a-side with Craig David or he was the ref.

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And you've been playing for five hours. You're like, Craig, any chance of halftime? And he'd be like, no, it's not halftime because now is the time.

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If you just stopped him in the street and you said, what's the time? Craig.

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Because you needed to know the time. No. That's true. Okay, so it's 6.18, Rob. Yeah, and as well, I've just changed my alarm.

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So now it's a motorbike revving and it goes... Which I'm absolutely loving. Did you jump out of bed?

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Did you just straight out of bed? No, I would have been in bed until 20 past.

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Got it. I think that's ok. It's only 2 minutes. Two minutes and I'm up. Right.

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Where are we going? I started walking, but because I knew I was doing this, I was like, right, I'm going to pay attention to what's happening during the day.

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So the birds were really loud yesterday morning when I left the house. Wow, hang on.

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You don't just presumably stand up at 6.20 and walk straight out of the house. You walk straight out.

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This is what I'm getting from this. This is it. I said, right, I'm doing this.

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I'm not going to wear any clothes today. I'm just going to walk up in the street, see what happens.

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So then I got arrested. It all kicked off. And I'm recording this from prison.

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Let's just back it up there. We get out of bed 6.20. Is it just clothes on?

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Or do we have a little food, coffee, any of that? Or are you trying to get, you know, Sam Campbell tries to get the sun on his face within 20 minutes of waking up.

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Now, the problem is at 6.20, you will be waiting a good two and a half hours for that sun to appear.

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He gave me the advice about when arriving in Australia to get rid of the jet lag.

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Just get as much sun in your eyes as possible as early as possible. Sorry, that wasn't an answer to your question.

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That's fine. Yeah. He advised me to carry all these packages with strange exotic meat.

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That's why I didn't see sunlight for three days when I got to Australia. No, yesterday I didn't have any breakfast.

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I didn't have a cup of tea. I had a shower. Now, in the shower, it was dove soap.

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I was using. No, I've got, I don't really like dove soap. I like bars of soap.

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Like, I don't think shower gel goes a very long way for me anyway. I can't get it to do what it needs to do.

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Whereas with imperial leather, you can really get it going, you know. Does imperial leather still, because there was a time when it had its top was magnetic.

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And I think my granny had the magnet. So the imperial leather would stick. So you wouldn't like make the sink, like you wouldn't get that sort of soap crust.

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Because the imperial leather was stuck to a magnet and you could just pull it off.

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That little square that said imperial leather. I thought you were implying that the soap itself was magnetic.

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No, the soap wasn't magnetic, but the little strip was. Is that still the case?

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Rob, I mean, you're using dove, so maybe you don't know. No, it's just a paper branded tabbie now.

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But to know that at one stage that was magnetic is amazing. Because you didn't want the soapy crust.

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That's the issue with a bar of soap. And I think why a lot of people, Rob, have eschewed the soap is that it creates a little mess.

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And so people, I think you're probably one of the last remaining bars of soap people.

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Just pause for a moment, just to acknowledge what a weird name imperial leather is for a soap.

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Yeah, true. You know, neither of those things are necessarily, like dove, I get. Because doves, they're in the sky.

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They're a symbol of peace. And with peace comes cleanliness, famously. But imperial implies empires.

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It implies, you know, ounces, inches, etc. It implies Darth Vader. And leather is not as soft.

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I mean, I guess there is soft leather. But I don't know. Maybe it needs a rebrand.

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I think that I heard something about this. That it was a typo and it was meant to say imperial lather.

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That makes so much more sense. I think that might be a fact. I'm not 100% sure.

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I don't know if there's a fact check here. Stormtrooper's very clean though, aren't they?

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Yeah, they are. Very clean, actually, now that you mention it. Apart from the ones in the forest, I imagine they get a little bit mucky.

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But then they leather up then afterwards. I think, you know, people talk about that Roman Empire thing, don't they?

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That you think about all the time. I think one of mine is Return of the Jedi, isn't it?

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Where they're in the woods with all the... With the Ewoks. Yeah. Yeah. It's a great moment.

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That does come to me quite a few times. Not every day, but you know.

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When you're thinking about moments in history that define the world, the Ewoks scooting around the Atats and making them fall over.

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What do you think the deeper meaning of that is? It's the modernism, the relentless AI-like march of tech is the Stormtroopers.

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And we are the Ewoks. And we're almost bringing them back down to our level.

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Is that... Do you see yourself as an Ewok, Rob? Yeah, man. I'd love to get some rope around Elon Musk's legs and just like pull it really hard, you know.

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But I'd love the aesthetic of the Stormtroopers. And I always think about that when I see a white car.

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I'm like, oh, that could be a Stormtroopers car, that. Yeah. But yeah, I use soap.

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You're quite a suit, Rob. You know, big beard, long hair. Did you wash your hair yesterday morning?

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No, I didn't. But what I did do was the shower base, is it called?

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The thing you hold. No, where you're standing. I mean, I just call that the shower, I guess.

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Yeah, all right. So the shower. Yeah. I was standing in the shower and it was filling up with water, which meant too much hair was in the plurk hole.

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So when the shower was on, I thought, right, I've got to get rid of this now.

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It was a really great unblocking yesterday. She went in with the hands. Went in with the hands.

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So there's like a white circular disc and then there's an area where the water goes down.

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So it's a solid disc and then the water just goes down by the sides of that.

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And then there's like almost like if you picture like a satellite dish that's got holes in it and then a antenna coming up out of the center.

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Uh-huh. Well, that used to be that the antenna was like underneath. Yeah. I think the people who installed it have put it in the wrong way.

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I can't believe I'm talking about this, but I've turned it the other way. Right.

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Okay. So now I can just get purchase on that antenna, pick it up. And I'm like, yes.

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And does it come up? Because Adam Buxton talked about this, the sort of stalactite.

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I think he was talking about an ex-partner's sort of pubic stalactite of hair, which you have to get rid of when the relationship ends.

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Yeah. So it wasn't his hair, but it's the same principle. When he pulled the plug out, did you have like a long, was it like Gandalf's beard of hair?

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No, no. It had all gathered. Ah. It's pretty effective. None of it had gone down the plug hole.

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Oh, that's excellent. So that was, I didn't have any breakfast. I got dressed, put on some black Nike socks, stripy boxer shorts, green cords, blue long sleeve vest, t-shirt with a moon on it.

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North face fleece, North face kagool. Yeah. New running shoes. Ooh. And then we're out of the door.

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Great. I mean, I would have said that's a good outfit to go for a run in with the exception of the cords.

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I feel you rarely see a top level athletics, someone in cords. So it's not a run.

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The last one, I think Cider Weeter got bronze at LA 84 in cords and his move away from cords got him up higher up the podium.

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If I remember correctly. Are there rules though? Like, if you just found out that you could run really well in cords and you were an athlete, you could be doing the London Marathon and winning it in cords.

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I think so. You know, if you were Usain Bolt or sort of Michael Johnson at his peak.

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Yeah. And you knew you were going to win an Olympic final and you could really shithouse the opposition.

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Yeah. By turning up in like a tweed suit and still beating all these people who are, you know, in the aerodynamic outfit.

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It's quite a nice, it's a bold move, isn't it? In lane four, Usain Bolt.

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He's got a fedora on and braces. In Andre Agassi's book, he is so good.

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And as a junior, he plays in jeans sometimes, which is, yeah, a lovely flex.

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It's basically that. It's yeah. Although there is some lovely footage in Ireland of local GAA teams who are forced to play in cup competitions.

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They have to field a team in order to remain in whatever the broader organization that this cup is a part of.

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So they just get people from the stand sometimes to stand on the pitch in a waterproof jacket and jeans.

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And the other team just scores a thousand points and goals. But it's kind of what we're talking about.

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So, Rob, we leave the house. Where are we headed? We're headed to the train station.

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OK. But yeah, all the birds were making loads of noise yesterday. And then I had an idea for a piece of writing that was, I thought, oh, wouldn't it be awesome if all those birds were like cheering me on?

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You know, like the crows going like, rah, rah, rah. And I just try, I'm always trying to find like ideas that I can carry with me to make my life more enjoyable.

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That's basically what I'm doing. I'm just like, oh, maybe if I think about that, everything won't be so bleak.

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I think that's a good one. So I'm going to try and think about the birds like cheering me on like, go on, you're out of the house, well done.

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Like, is it tribal? Have you got the crows that sort of, you know, the robot and ultras, but then the sparrows absolutely hate you?

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Or are all the birds on your team? No, I'm not going to use my imagination to make birds hate me.

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No way. You big hairy fuck. You big hairy fuck. I can't go there. I've got enough stuff.

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I suppose you can pick a rare bird. Like you're unlikely to see in your part of town, like the hummingbird.

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Just you've got one nemesis just to keep you on your toes. All right, Max.

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Yeah. Condor. Well, the other thought that I've had is what if dove is called dove because they liquidize doves in order to make it?

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And the birds, you know, the way horses smell the glue factory and they're like, that's my cousin that they're melting down to make the glue to stick stage sets together.

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Is it possible the birds are smelling the liquidized white pigeon of you? I think that maybe they could be, yeah.

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Oh, I'm so sorry. I should have. Where are we going on the train? I've just put my headphones in.

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Okay. We're going to Victoria train station. Nice. Okay. And I put a playlist on that I don't want to advertise Spotify.

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You can. You can. You know that Discover Weekly? Yeah. Do you ever go on that?

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And I made a playlist like from Discover Weekly and this song came on, this song called Feel by Motor Psycho that I love.

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And then this other one, Mick Flannery, Fuck Off World. Have you heard that? Yeah.

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I know Mick Flannery. Yeah. I love that song. And anyway, that came on and then I was on the train.

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Do you think Spotify Discovery has hacked into the Orton Matrix and is delivering the goods?

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Because sometimes those song selectors on the various platforms, I'm like, you don't know me at all.

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Yeah. It's weird, isn't it? I think that sometimes they really have. When that Mick Flannery song came on and I wrote down the lyrics, what's it say?

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Kim Jong-un is testing again. Kim Kardashian is pregnant again. How come we're not Facebook friends?

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I was like, oh. And she was like, eh, fuck off world. I was like, yeah, that is a bit of me.

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I love that. Spotify absolutely nailed it. But it depends what you listen to, doesn't it?

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Because when I was doing my show, I was listening to loads of stuff that was like more piano based stuff.

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And then everything just became really classical. The Discovery Weekly thing. But yeah, I feel my colleague Max did share with me your most listened to.

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Children have somewhat disturbed your algorithm. Yeah. Brush Your Teeth by the Wiggles is at two.

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My 2025 playlist. But then I put on Discover Weekly and my 10-month-old was just hitting sticks and xylophones and whatever's in the house.

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It's not a concert xylophone, to point out. It's quite a small affair. And Any Dream Will Do from Joseph came on.

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And I was like, well, I'm going to sing along with that. That's quite fun with a 10-month-old.

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But I thought Discover was the wrong. They haven't discovered that, is what I thought.

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Songs that reflect what you've been listening to. But Discover is, I know that song already.

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Because Spotify is what I thought. We at Spotify have found this new songwriter called Andrew Lloyd Webber.

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And he wrote the most popular musical of the 1970s. And here is a song of that.

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Why are you going to Victoria? What's on in Victoria Station, Rob? Victoria Station. I was doing a short film yesterday.

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I was acting in a short film. Okay. This is fun. But I did some stuff just before I got there.

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Well, a few things happened. I've got quite long hair and a beard at the moment.

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And when I was on the train, it was busy. And then I sat down.

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And then it was on like a six where you've got three facing three. And it just so happened that, like, we were all sitting there.

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And then those other five people were pretty much the only people who got off at this stop.

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So the rest of the train was full. And then I was sitting there. And then I just thought, oh, no.

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People are going to think that no one wants to sit next to me. Rob!

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Rob! No, I can see that. In London, people would go, he's the crazy, right?

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Yeah. They'd go. No, exactly. There's a reason why everyone is crammed. Like that middle section is absolutely teeming with people.

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And you're just there with a whole sixer to yourself. And then what else did I saw?

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I saw a lady who, you know, it was like such a miserable morning. And everyone looked really depressed on the train.

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Apart from this lady who had a dog on a lap. And was stroking it.

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And the dog looked so happy. And then the lady opposite started, she was like, you know, when people ask to stroke dogs, oh, can I stroke it?

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Yeah, yeah. And then she started stroking it. And then she was loving it. And I thought, oh yeah, that's good.

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You know, that was a fantastic advert for a dog, sir. Yeah. And then anyway, I got off at Victoria's train station.

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I went to Pret. Here we go. And I got, for the first time in my life, a pigs in blankets roll from Pret.

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Is that new? Is that Christmas season just for this year? I think it's Christmas season.

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I probably get more nostalgic for Pret than my family or like homesick. And so this is really exciting to hear.

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Could you really talk through this in detail? Yeah. So it was pretty quiet in Pret.

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I got the pigs in blankets roll and she didn't ask me if I was going to sit in, which I love it when that happens now.

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So I sat in and I opened it up and I went over to the thing where the knives and forks are.

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And I love also the fact that the ketchup and brown sauce is free. I don't know.

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Maybe that's the Yorkshire in me. I just, you've got to be pretty dead inside not to get excited by a free sachet of ketchup, haven't you?

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I agree. Just like a glimmer. Like, oh yes. So it's a sachet as opposed to, I thought in Pret they had, do you know, the hand sanitizer pods full of ketchup and brown sauce?

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They're not those sort of ones. Pushy, pushy. Yeah. No, it's like the rectangular serrated top ones, you know.

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Got it. Yeah. And then I opened up the sandwich and there was chutney in there, which I wasn't expecting, and loads of mustard.

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Okay. And how do you feel about those condiments already being there? I was unsure.

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Yeah. Of course. I thought, well, you know, there's a lot going on already in this sandwich, but I'm going to put ketchup in it because if there's bacon and sausage involved, then you've got to have some ketchup.

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So I put that in and then I started eating it and I thought, oh yeah, this is fantastic.

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Pigs in blanket hot. Is that what, 4.95 these days? Yeah. Yeah. About that. Just the blanket in question.

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This is quite an English sandwich for our overseas listeners or roll. The pig is the sausage.

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The blanket is bacon rasher. Yeah. I mean, you could argue that it's pigs in pigs.

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You know what I mean? That it's not really, that the blanket is the bread roll.

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It's the old putting oat milk onto oats is what it strikes me as. Yeah.

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I just think over the, over the, you know, in the joyous Christmas experience where this comes from, David, I don't think you want to say, look, auntie gay, could you pass me the pigs in pigs?

27:03 - 27:14

It just doesn't. Pig squared. Yeah. Pig squared. We enjoy the sandwich. Yeah. Do we have any interactions with anyone in Pret?

27:14 - 27:25

No. Do you think it's good? Sorry, back to the pig in blanket, that no one has ever taken that and decided to make a blanket, like a huge blanket.

27:25 - 27:41

Oh, a bacon blanket. Out of bacon. Yeah. For nighttime. I know nothing of victualling or butchery, but is the sheet that, that the rasher comes from, presumably that's a blanket of sorts.

27:41 - 27:53

No, because it's quite sort of thick and fat, isn't it? I think you need an enormous pig to, to shave off one rasher of bacon and it to be even a single bed, let alone a queen or a, you know.

27:54 - 27:59

No, that's heaven, you know. It's possible. Not for the pigs, it's not.

28:00 - 28:12

But if people are sleeping under bacon blankets, if there's like a hotel where everything in the room is edible, don't worry about, yeah, you can just eat the blanket in the morning,

28:12 - 28:26

that'd be weird, wouldn't it? I don't want a bacon blanket. I don't. If we could have a huge carrot and then I could get a massive parer, I'd have just sheets of carrot.

28:26 - 28:34

Oh, I see. I thought you were going to like hollow out a sort of bobsleigh type affair for your bed out of an enormous carrot.

28:34 - 28:46

Back to Star Wars. Yeah, I'm imagining, you know, where they cut into the sort of horse beast on the ice planet in the second Star Wars and he gets inside to stay warm.

28:46 - 28:55

That's where the idea originated from, isn't it? Well, I'm imagining a vegetarian version of that where he just climbs inside a huge turnip.

28:58 - 29:05

I don't know if he stays warm from that. Where are we going after the role then, Rob?

29:05 - 29:15

I was early. You know, Roy Keane's always on about being early, right? And I think that he speaks a lot of sense, that guy.

29:15 - 29:19

And I don't love being early, but I make sure I'm on time for stuff.

29:20 - 29:26

And I was half an hour early. The call time for this thing was eight.

29:26 - 29:34

And I was there at half seven. And the day before I'd walked to the location and thought, oh, what's that building?

29:34 - 29:46

That's open. It was Westminster Cathedral, which is in Victoria. And I thought, I wonder if that's open.

29:46 - 29:51

So I went up and I had a bit of a look and it was open at half seven.

29:51 - 29:57

And some people were in there praying. There was a guy in a high of his vest outside and I was like, can I go in?

29:57 - 30:03

And he said, yeah, yeah. So I went in. It's probably the earliest I've ever been in a church.

30:04 - 30:20

Yeah. I'm not a religious person, but I did feel pretty calm. I thought I can sit down in here and not look like a weirdo and just kind of just sit down and think about the day ahead and stuff like that.

30:20 - 30:29

And then I heard this kind of, you know, like chanting or whatever. And then I walked up and there was a proper service going on.

30:29 - 30:36

And I thought, God, it's a bit early for that. The Lord is up all night.

30:37 - 30:43

The Lord's always there. There's no early for the Lord. Yeah. He's got one of those watches, hasn't he, where it's good time.

30:43 - 30:48

Him and Craig David. They have a lot in common, those two, actually. It's sort of interchangeable in many ways.

30:49 - 30:54

God and Craig David. Did you sit down on a pew and then everyone got up and left and you were like, oh, yeah.

30:54 - 30:59

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was like, no, no, in here. I look like your saviour.

31:00 - 31:08

Oh, yeah. They thought it was the second comic. I was like, I'm going to light a candle because it was one of those things with the candles.

31:09 - 31:14

And I put a pound in the box. And I thought, I've paid a quid.

31:15 - 31:23

I can think about whatever I want. So I just thought, I'm just going to think about next year and what I want to do.

31:24 - 31:28

Because I quite like this time of year. Like if you can start running around the park now.

31:29 - 31:38

Yeah. Instead of New Year's Day or whatever. And just have a really productive last two weeks or three weeks of the year.

31:38 - 31:45

Then I think it can kind of put you in good stead, really. So I was just thinking like, right, come on.

31:45 - 31:50

You tried really hard this year. Let's go at it again. It's just relentless, isn't it?

31:51 - 31:59

And then I walked out of the church and then went to the location, pressed the buzzer.

31:59 - 32:04

And then, yeah, we was in this kind of short film. So then we started.

32:04 - 32:09

There's a lot of hanging around on stuff like that. Have you had to learn lines?

32:09 - 32:20

Because if ever I'm doing, I don't do much acting, but I'm always too anxious beforehand and spend days trying to learn off my three lines that they've given to me.

32:20 - 32:26

You seem to be remarkably chilled out just going into a church and praying for yourself.

32:26 - 32:33

Well, I didn't have any lines yesterday. They didn't mic me up. So that's probably why I was chilled out.

32:33 - 32:37

I knew that I was going to be just having to do some kind of some laughing.

32:37 - 32:46

And my lines yesterday were, he did. That was it. It's a very short, it's a very short film.

32:49 - 32:58

It's an Agatha Christie and Rob is playing the sidekick of the detective. And then it was like, he did.

32:58 - 33:04

But no, I really struggle with learning lines. It's the bane of my life. I write them down.

33:05 - 33:10

I put them into my voice notes. I do anything I can to try to learn them.

33:11 - 33:16

But yeah, I struggle. But the day before, I had some lines. But yesterday was a bit more chill.

33:17 - 33:21

But I did have to do some smoking. Oh, wow. Okay, this is fun. Is it?

33:21 - 33:31

I mean, kids, kids, just in case. Not that fun. As someone who's never smoked, I'd love to be in a movie where I had to smoke and obviously be from New York and be like, ah, I better have another cigarette.

33:31 - 33:37

It was crack as well, which was bad. Oh, really? No. Was it real cigarettes or they got fake cigarettes?

33:37 - 33:44

Well, they were herbal cigarettes, but they still lit them. And you were inhaling crap.

33:44 - 33:53

You know, I felt we did quite a few takes of it. And I felt I had an unusual feeling at about four o'clock where I thought, God, I feel a bit rank.

33:53 - 34:04

It was maybe because I've been inhaling all this herbal cigarette smoke. Smoking is remarkable.

34:04 - 34:18

Just to step back here for a moment, that somebody saw grass growing somewhere and they said, let's set that on fire and inhale it into our lungs.

34:18 - 34:27

I think about that sometimes with lobsters or squid, where they're like these alien, terrifying beasts.

34:27 - 34:31

And they would have found one, pulled one up in a net once a year.

34:31 - 34:37

And then someone said, hang on, let's shallow fry it in garlic and see how it tastes.

34:38 - 34:46

Similar with smoking. It's such a bizarre thing for so many people to have got addicted to and to have killed so many people over time.

34:46 - 34:57

Am I wrong? You're 100% right, I think. It's absolutely nuts. What are we doing? Well, there's probably a lot of trial and error.

34:57 - 35:03

Like back in caveman days, they were trying all sorts of weird shit that, you know, like stuff that has sustained.

35:04 - 35:09

So think of the stuff that they've gone, nah, we shouldn't do this. That's like social media though, isn't it?

35:09 - 35:16

And phones and everything. This is trial and error. We are in like such a period of trial and error with all this stuff at the moment.

35:16 - 35:21

Like, hey, what if everyone knows what everyone's doing all the time? We'll trial that for a bit.

35:21 - 35:28

Ooh. Yeah, exactly. So there was probably a time where someone, people were like shoving mushrooms up their butts or something just to see.

35:29 - 35:35

I've got nothing from that. Setting fires of Neanderthal heads and putting them in your eye sockets.

35:35 - 35:40

I imagine they're like, I'm not getting a kick out of this, Brian. Let's not do this anymore.

35:40 - 35:46

So anything that grows in the world, it's been through trial and error of people trying to eat them, hasn't it?

35:46 - 35:54

Like conkers. Hmm. Battered conker is lovely though. I bet there is a recipe for conker.

35:54 - 36:00

Like we've persevered with sprouts for so long. I bet there's something you could do.

36:00 - 36:07

You know, if you fried chestnuts in, well, what are the chestnuts that are roasting on an open fire?

36:07 - 36:13

They're not conkers. Are they? They're not conkers? I think they're chestnuts. Are chestnuts not conkers?

36:14 - 36:21

Are chestnuts conkers? No, chestnuts and conkers are not the same. Okay. Let's move on.

36:22 - 36:27

So my other question about the movie is, so you're on location, but you're in a sort of house.

36:27 - 36:33

You're on a film set? What is it? It was in a flat. It was in some people who lived in Victoria.

36:33 - 36:41

And like, I didn't think anyone lived in Victoria, but there's, there is quite a lot of big hefty flats there.

36:41 - 36:51

It was in one of them. And how big is like the production? Are there's like, are you met by like the second, you know, when you see the movies in the street and you're like, this is amazing, but there's like so many people, there's like people.

36:51 - 36:54

And then a hundred yards down the road, there's some people with walkie talkies and further down.

36:55 - 36:59

And you're like, you can cut the red tape from movies. I think there's a lot of it.

36:59 - 37:05

There's maybe about 25 people involved in total. But that's quite a lot. I pressed the buzzer.

37:06 - 37:10

And I think one of the other residents from one of the other flats came down.

37:11 - 37:17

She was like, yeah. And I said, oh, hi, I'm looking for this. She said, what, what are you doing?

37:17 - 37:21

And then I said, oh no, I'm in this short film. And she said, oh yeah.

37:21 - 37:27

Then I had to get up the email. Yeah. You know, I didn't feel like too much of a star then.

37:27 - 37:37

It's not Cruz on Mission Impossible, is it? When they say, did you just, yeah, I went to my Hotmail, Tom Cruz says, and I haven't got that on my, I've only got my Gmail on my phone, so I can't get on the Mission Impossible set.

37:38 - 37:41

Okay. But are you like, are you, is there like a little area with tea and coffee?

37:42 - 37:48

Like, you know, like urns of tea and coffee. She's in the kitchen. And then me and three of the- Keira Knightley.

37:49 - 37:56

Yeah. Me, Keira Knightley, Joe Wilkinson. It's actually the sequel to the Waitrose advert. Oh yeah.

37:57 - 38:04

The horror sequel. There was, how many of us was, there was just mainly three of us in this bedroom yesterday.

38:05 - 38:19

And then the day before there was five, but it was great because I spend so much time during the day on my own, do gigs at a nighttime, but getting to just kind of fill time with other people.

38:20 - 38:25

And they're all in kind of this purgatory as well. Like, well, what are we going to talk about?

38:25 - 38:42

We're going to talk about something. And so we, you know, we covered off like drinks that you used to have at school, all that type stuff and then chocolate bars, and then it gets into the next thing you're talking about current affairs.

38:42 - 38:56

And then it goes back around and it's kind of interesting, really. How are you looking, you're a henchman, but you just normally dressed or are you, do you have like horror outfit and you're talking about Capri Sun in rubbing your eyes?

38:57 - 39:02

I got to wear my own coats. Oh, okay. Oh, wow. Which I was really chuffed about.

39:02 - 39:07

Did you find a problem was when you walked onto the set, you went too fast?

39:09 - 39:16

Because they are such a speedy material. Is this for the whole day? How long is this?

39:16 - 39:20

Because if you, if you only said he did. No, it was, but there was loads.

39:20 - 39:28

There was a lot of smoking and all this stuff takes, taking a long time, but I had a chicken sandwich at lunch.

39:28 - 39:33

All right. Okay. Rob, I've got another question. Sorry. As a henchman, how does a henchman smoke?

39:34 - 39:40

I feel you don't smoke with classic, the big bit sticking outwards from the two fingers.

39:40 - 39:49

I would imagine if I was a henchman and I was smoking, I would hold it thumb and the next two fingers with the flame on the inside.

39:50 - 40:01

Yeah. I'd be doing that. Is that how a henchman smokes? Yeah. Yeah. But I had glasses on and the smoke kept gathering between the glass and my eyes.

40:01 - 40:06

Oh, wow. The short sighted henchman. Okay. How many times did you say he did?

40:06 - 40:10

How many times did they do that scene? It was quite a lot, you know.

40:10 - 40:17

Could you do for us the line? I mean, we won't say anything else about it.

40:17 - 40:24

And people who see it may remember you saying it. So it'll be sort of useful, oblique publicity for it.

40:24 - 40:31

That's true. And also, if you have the line before it, you could give that to one of us and we could tee you up for it.

40:31 - 40:40

Oh, yeah. So it was, he already said that. He did. That was it. Who do you think of me and David?

40:40 - 40:47

Oh, no, you decide between yourselves. No, because we don't know the movie. Like, you can tee the two of us and one of us will fit the bill.

40:47 - 40:53

All right, then, David. Okay, David. I'm slightly disappointed, but that's okay. Give me a little bit about my character.

40:55 - 41:03

You are also a henchman. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. So there's a guy in the middle who's the head guy.

41:03 - 41:09

Right. Someone comes into the flat and they're saying, they're like gibbering because they're scared.

41:09 - 41:14

Roll it. Roll it. We're going. Can I be the gibbering guy? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

41:14 - 41:17

Okay. So you do all the noises because I never know what you said there.

41:17 - 41:27

Sound, speed, action, all that stuff. Rob, please. Sound, speed, and action. He already said that.

41:28 - 41:37

He did. It's not bad. It's not bad. I was. Oh, sorry. Yeah. I forgot to wait for the cut.

41:37 - 41:43

I was going sort of like narcos. You sounded like you trying to be Borat, is what I thought.

41:44 - 41:49

No, I was one of Escobar's henchmen. Oh, okay. Yeah. How did we do, Rob?

41:50 - 41:59

Pretty good, I think. Okay, good. All right. So is it fun? Because there is a lot of, I mean, my very limited experience of that world is sort of agonizing.

41:59 - 42:03

Like if you're used to stand up and it's so like you do it and it's there or you're used to live stuff.

42:03 - 42:09

It's like, okay. And it's been and gone. I find that stuff, like, it is just so much waiting.

42:09 - 42:16

And like, what are they waiting? Like every take you go, that's probably fine. You know, like, because your production values are not the same as someone who's a director.

42:16 - 42:21

Yeah. And they're staring at every little bit. You know, come on, mate. Kai's probably fine.

42:21 - 42:25

No one's going to notice. I mean, I haven't done much. I've done a bit of acting.

42:25 - 42:32

I'd love to do more. I was in that. I'm going to talk about this because it kind of relates back to what we were saying about looking like a homeless person.

42:33 - 42:39

When I look like this, I get quite kind of a lot of auditions to be a homeless person or like a crazy person.

42:40 - 42:46

So I got cast to be in that marching powder with Danny Dyer's latest film that he did with Nick Love.

42:47 - 42:54

Yeah. Yeah, they did like the football factory together and the business. And I was like, oh, I'd love to get that.

42:54 - 43:00

And then I had to be like, spare some change, please, mate. I promise I'm not on drugs.

43:01 - 43:09

And on the lead up to the shooting, I saw that Danny Dyer was getting papped because it was in, they filmed it in Dagenham, like where he's from.

43:09 - 43:15

Yeah. And I knew that some of my scenes were going to be outside this Italian restaurant with him.

43:15 - 43:19

And I thought, oh, wow, I might get papped. I might be in the newspapers.

43:20 - 43:26

Anyway, when we were shooting outside, there was this, I saw a paparazzi with a long lens camera and I was like, oh, this is it.

43:26 - 43:32

Come on. This is going to be awesome. And I thought, oh, yes, I'm going to keep looking on all the news websites.

43:32 - 43:39

And then it came up on, I think it was the Irish Sun, actually. Yeah, we love you here, Rob.

43:39 - 43:50

It said, Danny Dyer was filmed outside the restaurant with a homeless person. He was seen outside the restaurant with a homeless person.

43:50 - 43:59

I'm like, I'm in it. I'm in the thing. So annoying. Or you're just playing the character so well.

43:59 - 44:04

That's the way to view that, isn't it? Yeah. Let's talk about the chicken sandwich.

44:04 - 44:10

Is it like they've provided sandwiches? The second AD comes in and he's got a walkie talkie and an earpiece.

44:10 - 44:17

He goes, I've made some sandwiches. Or do you order it in? They ordered them in from a place called Yolk that I'd never had before.

44:17 - 44:21

Oh, I think I've heard of it. Okay. Yeah. Nice chicken sandwich. What's in it?

44:23 - 44:35

Yeah, not too much to say about that chicken sandwich, really. That's okay. It is confusing that increasingly chicken places call themselves after egg stuff.

44:35 - 44:41

As in there's a place called Mad Egg that's around the corner from me in Dublin that does fried chicken.

44:41 - 44:45

Yet when I see the name, I just think this is a breakfast place. You know what I mean?

44:46 - 44:56

They've taken a step too far with their naming. No one wants Yolks for, well, Yolks in Ireland are a slang term for ecstasy pills from the 1990s.

44:56 - 45:03

So that would be a funny name for a place here. But no one wants that for their lunch is what I'm saying.

45:03 - 45:08

There's a place in Soho called Egg Slut. Have you seen that? Yeah, I've seen Egg Slut.

45:09 - 45:16

Yeah. So like whoever opened it. Oh, mom and dad, it's been my dream to open that egg place where people go for breakfast.

45:16 - 45:20

Oh, yes, darling. What name did you land on in the end? Oh, Egg Slut.

45:22 - 45:32

Cool. Okay, so you just have the sandwich, nothing else? No, just that. I had a bag of cheese and onion, Chris, which was not my preferred.

45:32 - 45:39

I'd do salt and vinegar every time. But cheese and onion is the bottom of the pile for me, but I'll eat them.

45:39 - 45:47

Sure. Is this your final day on set on the short film? Yeah. And what time does it go until then?

45:47 - 45:54

It was on, I was on until about three. Okay. Because I've been doing eight till eight, which was, that was a long day for me.

45:55 - 46:01

Holy shit. I'm just worried you've had no daylight. We've had the beautiful moment in the church, but that's candlelight.

46:01 - 46:09

No. And Rob Auton needs some of the vitamin D that our nearest star can provide.

46:09 - 46:18

One of the things that blows me away so much about being on this, it's like the light that they use to create daylight effects.

46:19 - 46:30

Unbelievable. Yeah, it's very bright. It was like, it had the same effect as, well, being in the cinema and forgetting that it was like the opposite of that, you know, when you go in the cinema.

46:30 - 46:35

Okay. Yeah. And it's dark outside. Oh yeah. Well, I thought it was all light.

46:35 - 46:41

I thought it was light. And then it. Question. As you leave, what's the etiquette on set?

46:41 - 46:47

Can you go, was that all right? Or does everyone just like, you just leave and just, you just go, say, thanks for your time.

46:47 - 46:50

Bye. You can't be like, can I just have a bit of like, did I do that?

46:50 - 46:55

Well, what's, you know. Well, I kind of have that with standup as well. Saying to the audience.

46:55 - 47:00

Yeah. I'm just like, did you enjoy that? Was that okay? You shouldn't have to ask, Rob.

47:00 - 47:15

No, I don't. I'm joking. No, it'd be nice if you walked out and you had those sort of five smiley faces with really happy, sort of smile, straight, sad, angry, just on a, at your gig and people could just hit the.

47:15 - 47:27

I feel what's different about particularly making movies, not that I've made, but I've done bits and pieces in a few movies is so if you do three hours of live radio, Max, all of it's important.

47:28 - 47:40

All of the three hours is equally important. Whereas if you're all that's important is the eighth second bit you're filming, like the entire rest of the day, you could see that as a massive waste.

47:40 - 47:50

But I think if you really understand what cinema is, a friend of mine was in a movie with Robert De Niro, not one of his finest, let's just say.

47:51 - 47:59

And they had him for an hour and he has made so many movies that the line was something like, Hey, I'm back.

48:00 - 48:09

And he comes around a corner and he goes, Hey, I'm back. And then he just walks straight back out and he comes in and he goes, Hey, I'm back.

48:10 - 48:18

This wasn't the exact line, but it's just, he understands all they want is that two seconds of him saying that.

48:18 - 48:23

And he did it eight times in slightly different ways. And he's just like, okay, what's the next bit then?

48:23 - 48:28

Which is so unlike anything I would do. Do you know what I mean? I don't know how actors do it really.

48:29 - 48:33

Yeah. I think at least with Stundup, you kind of know. Well, there's a flow, right?

48:33 - 48:41

It's about a flow. Like everything I do has a flow, whether people like it or not, it's flowing and it's going and it's, and that's it.

48:41 - 48:45

And then it ends, you know, okay, I did the thing. Whereas that sort of stop, start.

48:45 - 48:58

Exactly. Yes. That's it. It's just, but maybe that's why, you know, a lot of actors are so crazy in the same way that I always think of, there's a thing about James Joyce where someone went, how was your writing today?

48:58 - 49:05

And he'd, he said he'd written one word and it was, it's in Ulysses. It's the sound that the sea makes when it's coming in.

49:05 - 49:14

So it's like, and he was like, yeah, great day. Whereas it'd be easy to see that as kind of a failed day.

49:15 - 49:19

Have you read Ulysses? I haven't. I'd love to though. I read it when I was little.

49:20 - 49:25

Yeah. Or when I was in university. I watched the cartoon. The Ulysses. The Ulysses.

49:26 - 49:33

Was that probably before your time, Rob? I don't know. All right. So, so we leave at three, three o'clock pretty much.

49:34 - 49:41

And we walk out into the street and you're full of smoke. Like your lungs are arid and you've had no liquid all day.

49:42 - 49:48

So. I've had some, I've been having some water. Oh, actually I had some cans of fizzy drink.

49:48 - 49:56

They had fizzy drinks, which I try not to have too much of, but if they're there, I'm too much of a child to just not have it.

49:56 - 50:09

And so I had a can of apple tango. But are you saying because of the fake exterior lights inside, when you go out, it's underwhelming as to how bright the world is then?

50:09 - 50:16

I think, yes, that's, that is what I was getting at. There was something, went to see this, what's the artist?

50:16 - 50:22

Is it Marina Abramovich? Marina Abramovich. She did this thing like a, a theater piece.

50:22 - 50:27

And there was the sunlight that they made come through the back of the stage.

50:27 - 50:35

It just looks so realistic. So they had sunlight coming in yesterday and then I got out and it was overcast.

50:35 - 50:42

Yeah. Strange. I can't imagine what it's like if you're on Titanic or something like that.

50:42 - 50:52

The bad news about Titanic. If you're on Titanic, it's not, you're rapidly running out of air at this point.

50:53 - 51:04

Wow. Interesting idea for a film. Titanic. And they discover that one of the decks has remained airtight and there's still just people in it.

51:04 - 51:10

And it's beautifully lit. It is. Yeah. And they haven't noticed. They've been having such a good, it was so high end.

51:10 - 51:17

And they've just been, you know, at a dinner dance or something for the last 113 years, maybe.

51:18 - 51:22

And when the deep sea divers come down, they're like, turn the lights off, Derek.

51:22 - 51:28

Come on quickly. We're not going to New York. Okay. So what time is sort of four o'clock?

51:28 - 51:35

Are we heading home, Rob? What's happening? Yeah. Heading home. Yeah. So I got home and then I started preparing for this, actually.

51:35 - 51:39

I don't know if you can put that in. Yeah, sure. I was in the front room.

51:40 - 51:52

We've got, as most houses do, a front door. But then there's, behind that, there's like a kind of partition door made out of wood and it's got glass panels in it and there's no lock on it.

51:53 - 52:00

That partition door came open and I thought, oh, there must have been a gust of wind or whatever, or like some sort of strong breeze.

52:00 - 52:03

I didn't think anything of it. And then I heard a parcel be put down.

52:04 - 52:13

Wow. I went around and was like, what are you doing? And this guy, I just opened the front door and put the parcel in our house.

52:14 - 52:18

Yeah. Most people don't do that, do they? That's quite a good post office thing, isn't it?

52:18 - 52:24

He's like, you think he's breaking and entering. I think what he's doing is he doesn't want someone else to take the parcel.

52:24 - 52:27

Oh, no. He doesn't want to knock on the door because people don't like people knocking on the door these days.

52:28 - 52:38

No, well, he said he knocked on the door. Oh, okay. I don't know if I'm in the minority of them, but I don't think people should be trying your door to see if it's open and then putting parcels in.

52:38 - 52:45

Well, you've left it open. I mean, is that? It was closed. It wasn't, it wasn't locked with the key, but yeah.

52:45 - 52:49

Okay. So maybe that was just me then. I said to him, what are you doing?

52:49 - 52:57

And he went, delivery? I was like, no one's ever opened the door before. Everyone, you know, that thing, everyone's a postman though, aren't they?

52:58 - 53:04

Everyone's a delivery driver. Right. So he's an amateur. He's not your Royal Mail, you know.

53:04 - 53:10

He's not being sort of educated in the world of delivery. He's a sort of vigilante delivery man.

53:10 - 53:14

I sort of see what he was trying to do. David, where do you stand on this?

53:14 - 53:20

Well, I don't like the new thing of just leaving the parcel on the step.

53:20 - 53:27

That's tickets to trouble. Yeah. Maybe they might ring at once and then just leave your thing just sitting there.

53:27 - 53:40

I mean, that happens a lot on this road, but I get there could be an over familiarity as in, in the West of Ireland, when we're down there, a lot of the time, if the postman arrives with a parcel

53:40 - 53:49

or a letter and say there's a car there, they'll just put it on the driver's seat of the car because there's no letterbox.

53:49 - 53:54

Yeah. You know, or say the thing doesn't fit in the letterbox. So I don't know.

53:54 - 53:59

I feel it's an almost an old timey rural thing that this postman was doing.

54:00 - 54:05

Am I wrong? I don't know. I was, I was quite shocked, but maybe I should embrace it.

54:05 - 54:10

The alternative is a car that says, we tried to deliver your package and it's now at the depot.

54:10 - 54:16

Yeah. Like, they're the two choices. What is the parcel? It was just some cleaning stuff.

54:16 - 54:25

Better not be a human head because then that really changes this whole discourse. No, it was a big box of imperial leather.

54:25 - 54:35

Thank God. And then I had my dinner, which was, I've been really getting into sweet potatoes over the last few years.

54:36 - 54:44

Preach. Wedges. Mash. Sweet potato mash. It's so good. It's awesome, isn't it? What are you tricking it up with?

54:44 - 54:58

Well, I'm a big fan of fennel seeds. Oh, wow. I cut some sweet potatoes up and then put some fennel seeds on the top and then add some chipolata sausages, baked beans and broccoli.

54:58 - 55:05

This is great. It's great because it's a double sausage day, which I don't know if we've had many times in this series.

55:05 - 55:10

How many chipolatas? Because it's quite easy to go up to 20. Yeah. Because they're so small.

55:10 - 55:18

You can just keep going. I know. Well, disappointingly, it was six. Wow. I mean, but they were, you know, they were of a decent size.

55:18 - 55:24

Yeah. So what's your total sausage count for the day then? Maybe there was six very small.

55:24 - 55:29

They were almost like, in the pigs in blanket one, it was almost like cocktail sausages.

55:29 - 55:36

But I suppose if they are an enclosed sausage, the sausage count doesn't take into sort of size.

55:36 - 55:42

So it could be a dozen sausages yesterday. In distance then, what would you say that is?

55:42 - 55:49

Is it knee to ankle in terms of distance? I reckon it could be a bit longer than that, you know?

55:49 - 55:58

I always felt that this subway footlong was the only food I knew that really advertised itself in distance.

55:58 - 56:07

Like, you'd never go to a pasta place and you'd ask for, you know, 50 meters of tagliatelle, please.

56:08 - 56:12

Pizza sometimes does that, doesn't it? By the, you know, like half a meter. Oh, six inch.

56:13 - 56:20

Twelve inch. Hang on. So it's somewhere between ankle to knee. You haven't eaten a whole, your whole leg in sausages.

56:20 - 56:24

Yeah, I mean a leg of sausage. You haven't had a leg of sausages. But it's over, it's past the knee.

56:25 - 56:28

A leg of sausages. That would be good on a menu, wouldn't it? A leg of sausages.

56:29 - 56:34

And then they'd have to measure your inside leg. So it's really advantageous for the tool people.

56:34 - 56:44

The body restaurant. It's just like, you could have a head of broccoli. The sweet potato was sort of hiding in plain sight for a long time.

56:44 - 56:51

I said, I think it's always existed, but I've only become aware of it in the last ten.

56:51 - 57:05

Like, it's probably, I think I used to see them in the greengrocer section. And because they look slightly mutant, like sometimes they'll have little sort of tentacle strings coming off them.

57:05 - 57:12

I think I thought they were like a swede or, you know, one of those vegetables that have always been, looks too grim.

57:12 - 57:23

And little did I realize this absolute magic that lurked within. I think there's still some of those in the supermarket and greengrocers for me.

57:23 - 57:28

Like, what's the one that looks like a sweet potato, but it's white on the inside?

57:28 - 57:32

Oh, hang on. Emule. Emule. Yeah, I've never bought one of those. I've seen them.

57:32 - 57:36

Yeah. Maybe that could be 10 years time. We'll be like, we've been sleeping on that.

57:36 - 57:41

I bought one as a joke when I was 21 in Edinburgh and played cricket with it.

57:41 - 57:47

I really annoyed two of my friends in their student accommodation by playing cricket with emule.

57:47 - 57:54

They're enormous emule or emule. Yeah. But I haven't thought about them for 25 years. They're still there.

57:54 - 57:59

Probably the same ones still just sitting there. We haven't shifted these moves.

57:59 - 58:11

Maybe that could be a good thing for, like, I don't know, like a party or a gathering where you're like, okay, we're going to have a dinner party, but you need to bring everything that you've never bought from the grocery section of a supermarket before.

58:11 - 58:16

Yeah. Yeah. Isn't the original version of 10-pin bowling?

58:17 - 58:41

Now, I possibly dreamt this, but I think in medieval taverns, you stood up veggies, you stood up like parsnips and carrots, skittles, and you rolled a larger gourd or some sort of, surely not an emule or a sweet potato, because I think they might come from more tropical climates.

58:41 - 58:50

But is that the case? Listeners, anyone who knows anything, have I just made up the history of- I mean, it's getting a carrot to stand up.

58:50 - 58:57

You're not getting 10 carrots to stand up, are you? It would take ages. So long.

58:57 - 59:05

You could chop. I mean, it depends if you're cutting off the ends. I don't think as a purist, I wouldn't play a game where they'd cut off the ends of the carrot.

59:07 - 59:15

And medieval tavernas, there's so much happening in them. You know, you've never seen a medieval taverna where someone's just having a quiet pint, have you?

59:15 - 59:20

Like, it's just mead and just, you know, wenches and just general, and, you know, someone's killing someone.

59:20 - 59:35

Yeah. I don't think someone's carefully balancing 10 parsnips in the back room. And then as soon as you've got all the parsnips, someone's got a massive tankard, and on a table they clomp it, and all the parsnips fall over.

59:35 - 59:41

And then, technically, that's part of my go, so that's the strike. Yeah. Oh, mate, that pub.

59:41 - 59:51

I'd love to go to that pub, you know, where everyone gets dressed up. But it's massive tankards and mead everywhere, and there's no phones, and there's, like, people playing old instruments.

59:51 - 59:56

Surely there's a market for that. And, like, you just pour your piss out of the front door.

59:57 - 1:00:02

Yeah. The next customer coming in. Yeah. You just shit in the tankard after a while.

1:00:03 - 1:00:13

Everyone's got plague. I don't know. I'm not sure we've thought this through. Yeah. Deborah Meaden's interested in the pitch, but she wants to nail down on the numbers.

1:00:13 - 1:00:21

Deborah Meaden. Yeah, good. You're the dragon I wanted for that reason. Yeah. All right, so we had our dinner.

1:00:21 - 1:00:29

That's a great dinner, because that is sort of sausage, beans, and chips. I don't know when the last time I had that, but that's a great – that's a comfort dinner.

1:00:29 - 1:00:32

I mean, I've got a photo of it if you want to see it. Yeah, I would love to see that.

1:00:32 - 1:00:37

We'll put it in the show notes. Can you see that? Yeah. Yeah, it looks like shit.

1:00:37 - 1:00:44

I'll send it to you on the thing. It looks like a picture from a recipe book.

1:00:45 - 1:00:51

Ah, nice. And if only you had one of your cigarettes left over from earlier in the afternoon.

1:00:51 - 1:01:01

It doesn't famously, if you blow cigarette smoke across a plate of vegetables, the camera reads it as steam, and they look absolutely delicious.

1:01:02 - 1:01:06

I think that's one of those cheats. I mean, I guess you don't have to do it anymore, because now there's Photoshop.

1:01:06 - 1:01:11

You can just make anything look anyway. But I believe in the past there were lots of tricks.

1:01:11 - 1:01:17

You know, like you would, you know, varnish a chicken with Ronseal, and it would look perfectly roasted.

1:01:18 - 1:01:23

I don't know. The last thing you said to us was that in medieval times, they played 10-pin bowling with parsnips David.

1:01:23 - 1:01:31

So I'm just suspicious of the facts that you're dealing with at the moment. Do you have any pudding?

1:01:33 - 1:01:42

No pudding. No pudding. No pudding last night. Oh, okay. Do you know, I got a hamper from Fortnum & Mason as a Christmas present.

1:01:44 - 1:01:49

And I've emptied it all out, and it's on the living room floor, and there's like a couple of packs of biscuits.

1:01:50 - 1:01:55

Oh, yeah. Little shortbreads and things. Yeah. There's like some lemon curd shortbreads or something.

1:01:55 - 1:01:58

And I was like, the other night I was going to like, I went to open it.

1:01:58 - 1:02:02

I was like, it's not Christmas yet. You're saving it. And then I stopped myself.

1:02:03 - 1:02:23

Rob, were you disappointed with the amount of straw in that hamper? Like it is, it's unique among ways of transferring food or even gifts is somehow we were like, you know, no, no, you put the shopping into the bag and fit as much in as possible.

1:02:23 - 1:02:28

A hamper, yeah, yeah, loads of straw. And then just three things at the top.

1:02:28 - 1:02:39

Crazy, isn't it? Never open one of those on your sofa because I unloaded it on the sofa and then lifted up the basket and there was just straw that had gone through the wicker.

1:02:40 - 1:02:47

So I was hoovering the sofa. You know, Fortnum & Mason, they do gift baskets for horses.

1:02:47 - 1:02:51

And in their ones, they have loads of biscuits at the bottom to pad it out.

1:02:51 - 1:02:56

And they're just a bit of straw at the top. That was a fucking good idea.

1:02:56 - 1:03:02

Jesus Christ. Did you just think of that? That is good stuff. You've got to put that in your show.

1:03:02 - 1:03:07

Oh my God. You've got really so much pate just to, you know, pad it out.

1:03:08 - 1:03:13

Foie gras, just shovelling foie gras in to use the middle of it. Three bits of straw.

1:03:13 - 1:03:17

And the horse is like, fuck's sake. All this pate I've got to wade through.

1:03:18 - 1:03:26

They're hoovering pate off their sofa. God, this is just ridiculous. It's absolutely ridiculous. Do we switch to telly on, Rob?

1:03:27 - 1:03:40

Telly's on, no. Well, my wife Victoria was out last night. Oh, free house. I watched Starting Five, which is a program about basketball.

1:03:41 - 1:03:48

Okay. On Netflix. Now, basketball is kind of a... Do you scratch an itch or it's a scratch?

1:03:48 - 1:03:58

Scratch an itch. Scratch an itch. Scratch an itch. Yeah. Basketball is an itch I haven't scratched for ages, but I loved it when I was growing up.

1:03:58 - 1:04:05

Not so much playing it. I got like one of those little plastic rings that you put on your bedroom wall.

1:04:06 - 1:04:10

Yeah. And you throw your undies through it. Exactly, yeah. Into a laundry basket, yeah.

1:04:10 - 1:04:18

Yeah. And I got this little... It was a basketball that was about... Probably about the width of a normal sausage.

1:04:18 - 1:04:27

Yeah. And I loved that basketball and we kept it for... I had it for ages and at the school bus stop, we always used to play Wembley knockouts.

1:04:27 - 1:04:36

Yeah. It was the perfect size. What's Wembley knockouts? Oh, is that curbs? Where you have to throw a ball across the road and get it to hit the right angle.

1:04:36 - 1:04:42

Yeah, well, I'd call that curby. Wembley knockouts for me was Wembley pairs was 2v2 football and you had to score.

1:04:42 - 1:04:48

Oh, how we played it was Wembley knockouts was, say you got six people. Yeah.

1:04:48 - 1:04:53

There's one goalie. If you score, you're through to the next round. Got it. World Cup.

1:04:53 - 1:04:57

We're calling that World Cup. Yeah, we're calling that three and in is a variant of it.

1:04:57 - 1:05:03

Got it. Basically, I just love the aesthetic of basketballs. The ball itself. Yeah. What's your favorite ball?

1:05:03 - 1:05:15

That's a great question. What's yours? I mean, I'm just so ingrained in football. I mean, I think actually as a sort of genre, like a new cricket ball is beautiful.

1:05:15 - 1:05:21

Yeah. Like a perfect golf ball on like a really beautiful green that has an aesthetic beauty to it.

1:05:22 - 1:05:31

But like a football from either kind of an Adidas Tango or like a classic Mitre Delta from sort of early Division 4 that I would go and watch with my dad.

1:05:32 - 1:05:41

Oh, that's good. Any of those. But I can see why a basketball with the pimples, you know, the black lines and Wilson written down the middle is, yeah.

1:05:41 - 1:05:46

Yeah. It's a great choice. I just remember being in the sport shops when I was growing up.

1:05:46 - 1:05:53

It was kind of Spalding was the... Oh, yeah. And they had the NBA was kind of written in gold.

1:05:53 - 1:06:03

I just remember them being like perfectly positioned in sport shops. So the logos are just in the right place, you know, and they cost shed loads of money even back then.

1:06:04 - 1:06:10

And I had a Phoenix Suns, are they called pennants? You know, the triangular things.

1:06:11 - 1:06:20

So I've liked it. And then we went to New York a couple of weeks ago, went to see the New York Knicks for the first time at Madison Square Garden.

1:06:21 - 1:06:25

No way. I've never been to a basketball game before. Was it amazing? It was unbelievable.

1:06:25 - 1:06:31

Yeah. I've never seen anything like it. It was just stuff happening all the time.

1:06:31 - 1:06:39

And there was some basketball and then loads of t-shirts being launched in, you know, t-shirt cannons and dancers.

1:06:39 - 1:06:47

And it was just an onslaught of... I didn't realize that music was played like on the organ pretty much all the time.

1:06:47 - 1:06:54

Yeah. I've been to a Yankees game and I felt the same with baseball. That's the thing when the Americans do sport, like no minute is wasted.

1:06:54 - 1:07:07

So, you know, the guys that brush the diamond then suddenly dance to YMCA. And you were just sort of thinking, what would they do with the people who put the heavy roller on at Lord's in between innings suddenly come out and do oops upside your head?

1:07:07 - 1:07:11

They're not doing that, are they? Like, it's like sport breeds in other countries. But you're right.

1:07:11 - 1:07:22

In the States, every second is like, we could do something here, guys. You know, it's a bit like the kiss cam or the lookalike cam and all this thing where you could imagine in the UK, people are like, don't...

1:07:22 - 1:07:26

What are you doing? Get the cam off me. Yeah. You're shit. And the snooker.

1:07:26 - 1:07:36

Imagine that if just... Kiss cam. Peter Emden is walking around the table trying to work out some complex safety shot.

1:07:37 - 1:07:45

And it just cuts to celeb lookalikes in the crowd. So, yeah, I was watching Starting Five.

1:07:45 - 1:07:51

Yeah, that's just a basketball program that's on Netflix. Is it a doco? It's a documentary, is it?

1:07:51 - 1:08:04

Yeah, yeah. About the NBA. And it's produced by Michelle and Barack Obama. Wow. So, I watched that for about three hours.

1:08:04 - 1:08:09

Three hours. And is it telling the story of, you know, because the Michael Jordan one, was that called?

1:08:09 - 1:08:13

Was it called Jordan? I can't remember what it was called now. But I really loved that.

1:08:14 - 1:08:18

As somebody who, like basketball, it's just not on my radar of sports that I love.

1:08:18 - 1:08:23

Yeah. But obviously, when a documentary is done really well, it doesn't really matter what the sport is.

1:08:23 - 1:08:29

I really loved just Scotty Pippen's voice and all that stuff. Yes. So, what's the idea of this one?

1:08:29 - 1:08:35

I mean, they're documenting five different players and kind of their journeys. There's two series.

1:08:35 - 1:08:39

I've just... I'm on the first series. I think I'm probably about eight episodes in.

1:08:40 - 1:08:47

And it's just kind of following their injuries, what you've got to do to get into the NBA, their journeys there and everything like that.

1:08:47 - 1:09:03

And I've been really, really enjoying it. If I produced a documentary like that, like Barack Obama, I would insist that every player said, but I'll never be as good as Barack Obama or Michelle Obama.

1:09:04 - 1:09:08

Like, I would just insist that I was inserted then into it just a few times.

1:09:09 - 1:09:14

If only Barack Obama hadn't become the president, he would have been the NBA's greatest ever player.

1:09:14 - 1:09:21

I'd have them saying stuff like that. Is there any other presidents who've been... Because he's quite associated with basketball, isn't he?

1:09:21 - 1:09:28

He was always kind of playing basketball when he was president. Yeah. I don't know if any other presidents of like Bill Clinton...

1:09:28 - 1:09:38

Abraham Lincoln was shot while he was playing Subutio. He bent over. Three hours. That's three full eps.

1:09:38 - 1:09:48

That's what that is. So hang on. You're watching that for three hours and there's like the detritus of a Fortnum Mason hamper around you and you're not opening one little tin of biscuits.

1:09:48 - 1:09:54

That's extraordinary. Oh, great point. Didn't do it. Is that because you've eaten enough treats already being on set?

1:09:54 - 1:10:00

You were just grazing all day? I did have a few treats yesterday. One of the treats that I had was...

1:10:00 - 1:10:03

First time I'd had them actually was these... I don't know if you've seen them.

1:10:03 - 1:10:09

You can get them in Tesco. They're kind of pre-rolled crepes with like Nutella inside.

1:10:10 - 1:10:15

You had them? When did this happen? No. What part of the day? Just for completists, are wondering where this happened.

1:10:15 - 1:10:26

Yeah, this was mid-morning, I think. Mid-morning Nutella crepes. Wow. That sounds good. And actually it was my last day on set so they got me some posh tea from Marks & Spencer's

1:10:26 - 1:10:31

as a leaving gift because I've been enjoying the tea so much or I drank so much of it.

1:10:31 - 1:10:41

Sorry, just winding the clock back then. Did they say it's a wrap for Rob Auton and everyone applauded as henchman number two went back down the stairs?

1:10:41 - 1:10:51

Well, the four of us, no, the three of us, me, the other henchman and the main bad guy, wrapped at the same time.

1:10:51 - 1:11:00

So we all kind of got the applause and then. So that was nice. When you all left together, was there any like, did one henchman say, should we have a pint?

1:11:00 - 1:11:08

And everyone went, nah, that was their... There was a pub opposite and I was very close to saying, should we go for a pint?

1:11:08 - 1:11:14

But I didn't. You know, when it comes into your brain and you're like, hmm, shall I say that?

1:11:14 - 1:11:21

What? What put you up saying it then? I just think, maybe I just get in my own head and I'm like, ah, they won't want to go for a pint.

1:11:21 - 1:11:28

Do you know what I mean? I think I'm a bit, not to bring it down, but I do, I mean, yeah, I'd love that.

1:11:29 - 1:11:34

And I probably should have just said it, but I also had a lot of stuff to do, like watch three hours of basketball.

1:11:34 - 1:11:41

That's true. No, that is true. But what you could have done is said, I'm just going for a pint if anyone wants to join me.

1:11:41 - 1:11:45

Because like a pint on your own, it's a joyous thing anyway. It's just before Christmas at the moment.

1:11:46 - 1:11:53

I was thinking about having my own Christmas party where you just go out for a meal on your own, which I love doing anyway.

1:11:53 - 1:11:57

But would you set it up? Would you book it in a restaurant where there are other Christmas parties?

1:11:57 - 1:12:06

So there's a really long table of, you know, the accounts of Debenhams there. And then it's just one, you there with a cracker, like a little hat.

1:12:07 - 1:12:14

I think that would be a good idea. I guess the fear was if the henchmen had all gone to the pub, they could have sort of stayed in character.

1:12:15 - 1:12:21

Be like, four pints, please. And we won't be paying for them. You know, stuff like that.

1:12:21 - 1:12:30

And then you all smash your glasses on the floor as you leave. I had a really good costume with these kind of small reading glasses.

1:12:30 - 1:12:42

And then I had almost like a tweed waistcoat. And I looked really smart. And I thought, maybe I should just walk around London like this because it just changes the aesthetic completely.

1:12:42 - 1:12:48

I mean, we should have covered this earlier, but what sort of henchman character did you go for?

1:12:49 - 1:12:59

Oh, sorry, Squire. You don't want that to happen. You know, like as opposed to the more aggressive, like I'm going to smash your head in.

1:13:00 - 1:13:05

They didn't want me to do a Cockney accent, which was unfortunate because I quite liked doing it.

1:13:05 - 1:13:11

I was just a bit more, I had to get quite drunk, act quite drunk.

1:13:12 - 1:13:19

So I was kind of like a drunk henchman, which is not, you know, you do not want to come across one of them, do you?

1:13:19 - 1:13:26

No. Do you die? Because most henchmen just die. Yeah, I lived. I've never died in acting.

1:13:26 - 1:13:33

I died. Did you? Yeah, I died in a movie my brother wrote with Dylan Moran called A Film With Me In It.

1:13:33 - 1:13:38

And I was dead for about a week and a half on set then because they were wondering what to do with the body.

1:13:38 - 1:13:46

But I died with my eyes open, which was a huge mistake, which I think was a decision I made at the time.

1:13:47 - 1:13:55

I was killed by a chandelier. This is an Only Fools and Horses. It's a really dark version of Only Fools and Horses.

1:13:55 - 1:14:07

And the problem with dying with your eyes open is with all the lights that are on set, it's actually hard to command your eyes not to follow bright lights around.

1:14:07 - 1:14:16

So I think a decision was made then that my head was slumped over at some point after that because I was too bad at being dead.

1:14:16 - 1:14:23

Do you kill anyone in this, Rob, as a henchman? No. Okay. Do you do anything?

1:14:25 - 1:14:34

We can't. He's doing his best not to reveal whatever this thing, like we just, we literally, we don't know.

1:14:34 - 1:14:40

I'm just worried about what I say and what I don't say about it. Yeah, I'll stop asking questions.

1:14:40 - 1:14:47

I could really go into it, but then I'm like, and as well, I don't want to come across as like, like I'm taking the piss out of it.

1:14:47 - 1:14:56

Do you know what I mean? But if people see you as a drunk henchman in a tweed suit, they'll know that this was the short film that you were talking about.

1:14:57 - 1:15:04

But I loved it. I loved, it's just so great to, yeah, kind of chew the fat with people you've never met.

1:15:05 - 1:15:14

Really. So are the other henchmen, and even if you can't tell us who they are, are they all sort of famous actors slash comedians, whatever, in their own right?

1:15:14 - 1:15:21

So you're all sort of. Yeah, no, there were some people who were, who had done, just been in Edinburgh for, I think maybe the first time.

1:15:21 - 1:15:26

Oh, wow. Yeah, it's great talking. I love talking about that. So it was you, Richard Herring, and he's a henchman.

1:15:26 - 1:15:37

And Stuart Lee, actually, which was weird, those two, back together. As henchmen. What do we do after three hours of Barrico basketball?

1:15:37 - 1:15:48

Well, I went on my phone. Oh, and very little of that today. No, I mean, I'd been on it a bit, but one thing I'd like to talk about that I saw on my phone was a video of,

1:15:48 - 1:15:58

there's this artist called Anthony Aiton, and his daughter does his Instagram, called Sarah Aiton, E-Y-T-O-N.

1:15:59 - 1:16:11

And he's 102, right? Yeah. And he's still doing these amazing paintings. And anyway, the video I saw yesterday was, she went into a studio and was like, hello, how you doing?

1:16:11 - 1:16:20

He said, oh, I'm quite affected by the generosity in the alcohol department at the thing we went to yesterday.

1:16:20 - 1:16:31

So he was a 102-year-old with a hangover. I've never seen that before. And I thought, oh my God, this is fantastic.

1:16:31 - 1:16:37

And he's like still making these amazing paintings and getting lashed. What style of paintings?

1:16:38 - 1:16:43

Well, apparently when he was younger, he was called the quickest brush in London or something.

1:16:43 - 1:16:54

Because he does things really quickly. And it's kind of, say if he's got some of some really, there's one he did of some paint pots and it's just kind of very quick,

1:16:54 - 1:17:05

very vivid, just realism and just, yeah, fantastic. I loved that. And it just made me think, oh yeah, I'd like to get really, really old.

1:17:05 - 1:17:14

You know? Yeah. The thought of reaching 102 and then having a few beers sounds pretty good to me.

1:17:15 - 1:17:23

Just flaming sambucas. And then just going, ah. Absolutely just head on the floor, pounding headache, just Nurofen all that.

1:17:24 - 1:17:30

Yeah. That's a beautiful image. Your body must be done by then. Like it ain't processing much anymore, is it?

1:17:31 - 1:17:38

We're getting healthier or we're not getting, we could live to be 102. Me and Max may still be doing this.

1:17:38 - 1:17:43

We're committed to doing this for life. So however long in the future that is.

1:17:43 - 1:17:51

Yes. So for me, that would be 2077. We could still be doing this. That'd be awesome.

1:17:51 - 1:17:56

Wouldn't it? I think people are definitely going to be living, hot take. People are going to be living longer.

1:17:56 - 1:18:01

Yes. Finally. Someone said it. I don't know if I'm going to get to be 100.

1:18:01 - 1:18:07

I hope so. Do you spend a long time on your phone? Too much. But I do think it's work related.

1:18:08 - 1:18:16

Like I'm always, I'm trying to make more videos for Instagram. I'm trying to sell tour tickets.

1:18:16 - 1:18:22

I'm, I always go on like the seating plans and see when seats. Don't do that.

1:18:23 - 1:18:31

Don't do that. I've got to cut it out. I've not. Yeah. Cause you're, the mind starts to think, Oh, there's definitely a few more gone since yesterday.

1:18:31 - 1:18:35

You know, why does everyone in Corby hate me? Is that I would, that's what I'd be thinking.

1:18:35 - 1:18:40

Why does everyone on the balcony and Corby hate me? Jesus. The Corby cube. Yeah.

1:18:41 - 1:18:47

Wow. I ain't going back. I had a great, I only played there once. I had a good time.

1:18:47 - 1:18:52

I don't think many people came, but what happened to you in Corby rub? Silence.

1:18:53 - 1:19:02

Oh no. Yeah. But it was, it was helpful because I was doing this, I can't remember which show was it.

1:19:03 - 1:19:10

It was a show from a couple of years ago. I think that's why it's so good just to always do work in progress is no matter how many people are there,

1:19:10 - 1:19:16

whatever. And it's the work you do before the show, isn't it? When you're trying to get something into, into shape.

1:19:17 - 1:19:23

And I had an idea when I was in the dressing room of, Oh yeah, maybe I'll try and say that.

1:19:23 - 1:19:33

And that was the only thing that they laughed at. And I thought, Oh God, if these people are laughing at that, then when I get to Edinburgh, that could go.

1:19:33 - 1:19:40

Okay. Famously, Corby is one laugh. That's what the audience do. They save, they save their one laugh.

1:19:40 - 1:19:45

I'm sure Corby is lovely. You know, when a town has had that level of success with trouser presses, that is true.

1:19:46 - 1:19:58

It's very hard for them then to really laugh at anything. Nothing's entertaining. And if I know something about the people of Corby, it's, they like bringing people bringing up the trouser press within 30 seconds.

1:19:58 - 1:20:03

So last night you're on your phone. You see the 102 year old hung over man.

1:20:03 - 1:20:07

And then he's straight to sleep. That's a lovely image to have to fall to sleep to.

1:20:07 - 1:20:13

No, no. And then Victoria came back and then bed. And then that was it.

1:20:13 - 1:20:18

Day over. Any chats? Did you do a recap of the day with a bit of recap?

1:20:18 - 1:20:25

Yeah. Oh no. And I also washed down, I wiped down the surfaces from my meal making.

1:20:26 - 1:20:34

And I'd love to talk about a cream that I use to wipe down, like is really good on ovens.

1:20:34 - 1:20:45

Right. And the slogan is once tried, always used. And I just think that that is such a good thing to have on a bottle.

1:20:45 - 1:20:53

And is it, is it good? Yeah. It's almost like SIF or whatever, but you put it on your oven and it can get anything off.

1:20:54 - 1:20:59

So hang on. It's a hob cleaner. Like, is it a ceramic hob we're talking about here or the oven itself?

1:20:59 - 1:21:03

Yeah. Well, we've got these white surfaces. They're not like marble. It's something like that.

1:21:04 - 1:21:07

And say, if you leave a cup on it and it's got a tea, it leaves a tea ring.

1:21:07 - 1:21:13

It's really difficult to get off with just normal. Yeah. Washing up liquid. But with this stuff, it gets it off.

1:21:14 - 1:21:18

Yeah. I thought, yeah, I'll give that a plug, even though I can't remember the name of it.

1:21:23 - 1:21:27

How do you get to sleep? Do you, is it a conversation? Do you do a little crossword?

1:21:27 - 1:21:37

I was doing Sudoku for a bit. Sometimes do this thing where you move your eyes from side to side.

1:21:37 - 1:21:42

I saw this on a reel up and down and side to side. Yeah. It does nothing for me.

1:21:42 - 1:21:47

And about 50 minutes later, I'm just like looking around. I'm going, this is rubbish. I'll tell you what blinking works though.

1:21:48 - 1:21:56

Blinking. It's meant to tire you out. You close your eyes and then you look as high up as you can and down and then to the right and then the left.

1:21:56 - 1:22:09

It'd be funny if I fell asleep now. And it does absolutely nothing. But the one that is working that I mentioned on one of our pods, David, is you close your eyes and then you just try and think of all the names of people beginning with A.

1:22:09 - 1:22:17

Yeah. And then B. Whenever I've done that, I've never got past D. So I wake up and I'm not going into, you know, Edward and Engelbert.

1:22:18 - 1:22:27

Well, as soon as I say Debra, like a lie. My technique is always, I can't get to sleep.

1:22:27 - 1:22:31

Do you know what I might do? Just put on some headphones and listen to a podcast.

1:22:31 - 1:22:36

I'll do that in three minutes if I'm not asleep. And then I fall asleep.

1:22:36 - 1:22:42

It's the prospect of, oh, I'll sure I'll do that in a minute. That's been causing me to nod off.

1:22:42 - 1:22:54

Then recently. When you're listening to your, do you have headphones on? Yeah. I do it sometimes just because Helen Copter is on a different sketch to me.

1:22:54 - 1:23:02

So sometimes, you know, if I come back from a gig or whatever, I don't necessarily want to go straight to sleep, but I want to lie in bed.

1:23:02 - 1:23:06

So that's the thinking. Yeah. I mean, I've been looking at ways of getting to sleep.

1:23:06 - 1:23:17

And one of them is that I do like doing is where you're pretending that you're, in the sea, in a boat, and you're looking up and it's really quiet and calm.

1:23:17 - 1:23:21

Are you lying in a boat? You're lying in a boat. Yeah. You just imagine you're in a boat.

1:23:21 - 1:23:33

So you just start automatically swishing about. And then what did they say? They said, try to relax every single part of your body, starting from the top of your head and work your way down.

1:23:33 - 1:23:39

That seems to work. Which of these tactics do you lose last night? Blinking, just blinking loads.

1:23:39 - 1:23:45

Oh, okay. Until it becomes a continuous thing. And then, and then you're off. A really long blink.

1:23:45 - 1:23:50

Yeah. Oh, lovely. How do you look back on, on that day? Do you see it as a successful day?

1:23:50 - 1:24:01

I was quite stressed yesterday about, just before we started recording this, I got a delivery for some tubes, postal tubes.

1:24:01 - 1:24:10

And I was thinking about that because they tried to deliver them yesterday. And then I've just opened up this like online shop.

1:24:10 - 1:24:16

Oh yeah. For paintings to sell to people. I was getting a bit stressed about, about that.

1:24:16 - 1:24:21

And then when I was in the audition, I also lost a pen, which just does my head in all the time.

1:24:21 - 1:24:28

A good pen or? No, just like, well, they are good pens. Actually, the, the zebras, the zebra gel pen.

1:24:29 - 1:24:37

Yeah. I know. It's a nice pen. Yeah. I was just winding myself up. I was like, how could you have lost a pen on set here?

1:24:37 - 1:24:42

There's a set and it's not meant to be a part of the set. And it's just disappeared.

1:24:42 - 1:24:47

And I can just make pens go away. If anyone wants to lose a pen, just give it to me.

1:24:47 - 1:24:52

Like I'm not saying that that was a big part of my day. Was the day successful yesterday?

1:24:52 - 1:24:57

I think, yes, it was. I think it was. I was in a good place mentally.

1:24:59 - 1:25:07

And I'm in an, all right. I've started doing more exercise. I actually, what I've missed out that I wrote down before watching the basketball video.

1:25:08 - 1:25:12

Recently, I bought a dumbbell bar. Okay. Oh wow. It's just in the living room.

1:25:17 - 1:25:24

30 above my head. And then 30 like that. 30 more like what they call curls or whatever.

1:25:25 - 1:25:33

Yeah. So it's not a workout, but I think I saw a video. I don't know what Joe Rogan popped up on my Instagram and I'm like, okay, right.

1:25:33 - 1:25:40

And then, but he was just saying lifting things is good for you. Uh, I wouldn't believe anything that guy says.

1:25:40 - 1:25:45

No, no, no, no. I don't know how he got in. Are you getting jacked?

1:25:45 - 1:25:52

Do you feel, can you do that thing where you can sort of move your sort of titty nipples, bounce them up and down?

1:25:53 - 1:25:59

No, no, I'm not. I would have to make some serious lifestyle changes to become like proper ripped.

1:26:00 - 1:26:04

It's all to do with diet, isn't it? If you eat a leg of sausages every day.

1:26:04 - 1:26:07

But sweet potato is meant to be good for you, isn't it? That's good for you.

1:26:07 - 1:26:16

Exactly. Carbon neutral. I think if you eat 12 sausages of any size every day, and we only have this day as a sample size, we presume every day you eat 12 sausages.

1:26:17 - 1:26:23

It is hard to get pecks. So do sausages not count towards muscle at all?

1:26:24 - 1:26:31

So they go straight into your biceps? You can't turn sausage into muscle. Traditionally, I don't know.

1:26:31 - 1:26:43

Sausage makers are not dealing with the premium, you know, protein rich meat. You know, it's more the hosed off and eyebrows of the edibles.

1:26:43 - 1:26:49

I mean, that's what I've been led to believe now. But you look very healthy to me, Rob.

1:26:49 - 1:26:53

So yeah. Who's to say? Well right back at you guys. You're both looking well.

1:26:54 - 1:27:01

Thanks. That's a good thing that people say to people, isn't it? You know, like when you, I never say it, but sometimes people say, oh, you're looking well.

1:27:01 - 1:27:06

Like what? That's a good thing to say that. I might try and implement that this Christmas.

1:27:06 - 1:27:13

The last five years, I've only ever had you look tired. I can't see your eyes.

1:27:13 - 1:27:22

And I thank you so much. To fear what you're looking well is also, you know, I had a friend who had a very awful health thing.

1:27:22 - 1:27:29

I was just losing a lot of weight, but because our brains are so broken by weight, a lot of people would just be like, you're looking great.

1:27:30 - 1:27:37

And he'd be like, no, I've only got a short time left. Rob, thank you so much for coming on.

1:27:37 - 1:27:40

What did you do? What did you do? Yes, that's the name of it. What did you do?

1:27:40 - 1:27:48

You've got to get the name right. It's our first movie. It's the most sausages, maybe the second most amount of hair pulled out of a plug.

1:27:49 - 1:27:53

Yeah. Thank you for giving us all this information. Thanks, Rob Auton. Thanks for having me.

1:28:04 - 1:28:15

Rob Auton there. Thank you, Rob. Very excited, David, to have, by quite some distance, the most sausages consumed by a guest in a single day.

1:28:15 - 1:28:21

Two sittings of sausages, and plenty of sausages in both sittings. That for me is a giant tick.

1:28:22 - 1:28:27

Because I think in a way we're moving away from sausages as a people, and he is bringing them back.

1:28:28 - 1:28:36

You unfailingly, just when people start to talk about the interesting things they're doing, you always come in with, and what did you have for lunch?

1:28:38 - 1:28:48

You're a demand to know exactly. You're like the sort of reverse Jillian McKeith, whereas Jillian McKeith looks at your plop and tells you everything you had.

1:28:48 - 1:28:57

You and your mind could probably form what it would look like, based on every single thing that Rob had on this day.

1:28:58 - 1:29:04

I mean, I think I've mentioned this, that I did, me and a friend, and I wanted to do this thing called life statistics.

1:29:05 - 1:29:09

And I think after a charity football match, I went up to Dave Gorman and said, I've got this idea.

1:29:10 - 1:29:23

And he's just tired, walked off again, but I'm not interested. But there's this idea that you could maybe spend a month, like really writing down every single thing that you consumed and did and whatever.

1:29:23 - 1:29:27

And I suppose it's sort of not unlike this podcast, but a bit more scientific.

1:29:27 - 1:29:32

And you could maybe extrapolate and just see how, how many peas did you eat?

1:29:32 - 1:29:41

I just imagine if you knew, like it'd just be nice, be really nice to know that you'd had that many, but obviously it would impact your choices in the month because you'd go,

1:29:41 - 1:29:45

I'm not going to have any peas because I'm going to have to count the peas.

1:29:46 - 1:29:51

I'll just have something. I'll have a potato because it's easier to cut up. It's like, it could skew things.

1:29:51 - 1:29:55

Yeah. I was interested in, I'm pleased we found out that he had a full leg of sausages.

1:29:56 - 1:30:03

Yeah. It's kind of the origin story of this podcast. That anecdote. I suspect. I don't want to introduce Rob's day down to just sausages.

1:30:06 - 1:30:16

We also forgot to ask him so many questions. We ended up then doing a kind of a recap at the end where he told us far more fascinating things that we should have asked him about earlier in the day.

1:30:16 - 1:30:23

Thank you very much. Rob Auton, please check out at Rob Auton and everything that he does.

1:30:23 - 1:30:32

He'll be playing at a festival near you soon. If you would like to get in touch with this podcast, this is how you might do it.

1:30:35 - 1:30:40

To get in touch with the show, you can email us at whatdidyoudoyesturdaypod at gmail.com.

1:30:40 - 1:30:47

Follow us on Instagram at yesterdaypod. And please subscribe and leave a review if you liked it on your preferred podcast platform.

1:30:47 - 1:30:55

And if you didn't, please don't. So, yes, get in touch, please, on all matters yesterday.

1:30:56 - 1:31:06

Now, this is exciting, David, isn't it? As we approach Christmas, we are releasing something new on the 22nd, 23rd, and 24th of December.

1:31:06 - 1:31:13

I mean, this will take some people by surprise, but it is our thrash metal album.

1:31:14 - 1:31:20

It's traditionally a time when people put out a sort of best of or something like that.

1:31:20 - 1:31:33

We decided to go in a different direction. And I've written a Christmas story in three parts for, I would say, ages six and up.

1:31:33 - 1:31:38

But when we say up, it goes right up. I've got Max to be in it.

1:31:38 - 1:31:50

Yeah. And we do it kind of like what you do yesterday. I'm reading it to Max for the first time, and he is pointing out any flaws that there may be in it.

1:31:50 - 1:31:57

So, that's the next three what did you yesterdays that are going to arrive coming up to Christmas.

1:31:57 - 1:32:07

Try it out. Try it out on children if you have kids. And if they don't seem to like it, then strap them into the back of the car and put it on really loud and make,

1:32:07 - 1:32:20

just keep playing it till they enjoy it. Is that a bad intro? It's an audio book written by David O'Doherty, starring David O'Doherty and Max Rushden, very briefly, with me making annoying interruptions.

1:32:21 - 1:32:29

It's a bit like the podcast, I guess. But yeah, it's a kid's story. I reckon even four or five-year-old, or I can go four up.

1:32:29 - 1:32:34

You'd know better than me. Four to 90. Well, I'm going to play it to Ian whether he likes it or not.

1:32:34 - 1:32:42

Okay. Because that is the spirit of Christmas. It's called The Great Christmas Bunny Emergency.

1:32:42 - 1:32:51

And then we'll be back with more episodes week after Christmas. I think we are going to do one with my boxing slash St. Stephen's Day cheese board.

1:32:51 - 1:32:59

Of course, yeah. Obviously, we will do that. Yeah. But yeah, I am very proud to release this.

1:32:59 - 1:33:06

Producer Will has done an amazing job on production. My dad plays some piano. My brother has kind of script edited it into shape.

1:33:06 - 1:33:17

And also the audition process was relentless. That led to one person, Max. Yeah. And he is the special guest starring, you know, who would come up at the end of Miami Vice.

1:33:18 - 1:33:24

Featuring. Featuring. My dad had no part of it. And won't listen to it. He plays the bassoon.

1:33:24 - 1:33:29

He plays the bassoon. Okay. Let's listen to it. Okay. Well, we'll do, listen to that, please.

1:33:29 - 1:33:31

In a couple of days. Thank you, David.

WDWDY #74: Hoovered Under The Duvet

S4 EP22: Briony May Williams

WDWDY #73: I'm Eating Bullets

S4 EP21: Ben Elton

WDWDY #72: The Montenegro Tease

S4 EP20: Shane Daniel Byrne

WDWDY #71: I could go on You Bet!

S4 EP19: Amy Annette

WDWDY #70: In The Air Tonight

S4 EP18: Paul Williams

WDWDY #69: Caught with a Kumquat

S4 EP17: Waleed Aly

WDWDY #68: I am Poo Poo

S4 EP16: Lloyd Langford

WDWDY #67: I HATE NATURE

S4 EP15: Isy Suttie

WDWDY #66: Busted knees and ruptured spleens

S4 EP14: Mel Giedroyc

WDWDY #65: Max & David's Woke Daydream

S4 EP13: Chris Addison

WDWDY #64: It's 6am in Texas

S4 EP12: Bilal Zafar

WDWDY #63: Faulty Bike Seats

S4 EP11: Tom Cashman

WDWDY #62: Dublin Show Post Mortem

S4 EP10: Phil Ellis

WDWDY #61: Exceptional Perineum

S4 EP9: Marjolein Robertson

WDWDY #60: Yesterday waits for no man

S4 EP8: Fern Brady

WDWDY #59: Fun Facts and Days Before

S4 EP7: Michelle Wolf

WDWDY #58: Y.E.S.T.E.R.D.A.Y.

S4 EP6: Susie McCabe

WDWDY #57: Sandwich and soup combo

S4 EP5: Richard Herring

WDWDY #56: All my troubles seemed so far away...

S4 EP4: Vittorio Angelone

WDWDY #55: A Soapy Explosion

S4 EP3: Christopher Macarthur-Boyd

WDWDY #54: A Yesterday Like Any Other

S4 EP2: John Kearns

WDWDY #53: Do yesterdays dream of electric cheese?

S4 EP1: Bret McKenzie

WDWDY #52: Duelling Cheeseboards

The Great Christmas Bunny Emergency (Part 3)

The Great Christmas Bunny Emergency (Part 2 )

The Great Christmas Bunny Emergency (Part 1 )

WDWDY #51: In Fairness To Lube

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S3 EP27: Rob Auton

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