S3 EP26: Jessica Fostekew

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Podcasts, there are millions of them. Some might say too many. I have one already.

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I don't have any because there are enough. Politics, business, sport, you name it. There's a podcast about it and they all ask the big questions and cover the hot topics of the day.

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But nobody is covering the most important topic of all. Why is that? Are they scared?

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Too afraid of being censored by the man? Possibly, but not us. We're here to ask the only question that matters.

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We'll try and say it at the same time, Max. What did you do yesterday?

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What did you do yesterday? What did you do yesterday? That's it. All we're interested in is what the guest got up to yesterday.

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Nothing more. Day before yesterday, Max. Nope. The greatest and most interesting day of your life.

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Unless it was yesterday, we don't want to know about it. I'm Max Rushden. And I'm David O'Doherty.

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Welcome to What Did You Do Yesterday? Hello and welcome to What Did You Do Yesterday?

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I'm Max Rushden. He's David O'Doherty. And it's another episode of the hit podcast we're about to play to you.

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That is such a factual intro of everything. Hi, listeners. I'm David O'Doherty. And today's guest is comedian and all-round good egg, Jess Fostekew.

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Yeah, I like this episode. What's your favorite part of this episode? I think she is really, really funny.

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I think she really gets the brief from minute one. You're like, okay, you know that she knows what this is about.

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It's about telling us what you did yesterday and being really funny while you did it.

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And it's all there. Jess has just got a vibe. And that is a very consistent vibe.

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And so when we hear tales of the gym or tales of the theater, tonally, that's what I love about this episode.

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It's just rock solid. You know what I mean? It's just think of a band where Steely Dan, everything is of a very high quality.

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But lighthouse family. Steely Dan or the lighthouse family. The entire spectrum of music. What's Jess up to?

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What are we selling? What are we selling for Jess Fostekew, David? For goodness sake.

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She's got a tour. Jess is on tour in the new year. What's Jess's tour called?

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Iconic Breath. Yeah, there you go. Even that. You know what you're getting into. It'll be great.

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It'll be great. I'd not met Jess until we recorded this episode. And I am now her biggest fan.

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But I'm not going powerlifting. Please enjoy today's episode of What Did You Do Yesterday with Jess Fostekew.

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Jess Fostekew, welcome to What Did You Do Yesterday? Thanks for having me. Oh, it's a great pleasure.

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Jess, do you think of the past? Do you reminisce? Or do you just carry on through life?

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Like, say, the train in Polar Express? Yes. Yes. I am a dweller. Oh, yeah.

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I dwell in the cave of the past. I lollop about in it, even when it's become very much a stagnant pond.

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No. Right. So on the one hand, yeah, I like to flash back to moments of error.

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Okay. I like to do that, ideally, just as I'm drifting to sleep. Great. Perfect.

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Yeah, just to spice things up a bit. Yeah. Just to keep me on my emotional toes.

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Good. So you can sleep filled with regret. It's a great way to sleep. Yeah.

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I enjoy doing that. And then as a multiplier, look at terrible world events and what awful people think about those events.

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So when I go to sleep, it's with a potpourri of my own shortcomings and the fact that the world is fucked.

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Welcome to What Did you do Yesterday? Same, same, same, same, same, same. I save the cataclysmic world events for the second I've awoken.

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Yeah. We'll get to that. And this isn't about me, but maybe this happened to you yesterday.

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But last night, I was finishing a radio show. In the last bit of the radio show, I did a particularly bad interview with the new Newport County manager, Christian Fuchs.

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So I lay in bed for half an hour thinking, I don't think Christian Fuchs likes me.

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And it really affected getting to sleep. If that happened to you yesterday, it will be some coincidence, may I say.

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Interruption. Did you say Fuchs' sake as you were dozing after sleep to yourself? No, no.

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No, I was too worried about my interviewing abilities to even do a pun on a man whose surname is Fuchs.

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That's how bad it was. Wow. Anyway, Jess, that's not your concern. We want you to dwell solely on the last 24 hours.

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Okay. And we begin by asking you, when did you wake up yesterday? 6.20. Mmm. 6.20. Disgusting.

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And is that an alarm or is that your body saying, Jess, it's time for the day?

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My body's never done that to me. Or is it a siren going off and you have to come down a pole because you are, in fact, a firefighter?

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I would love that. Imagine if yesterday, just for the day, I'd been a firefighter.

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Can I just say, David, I don't think firefighters on shift are asleep when the bell goes.

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I mean, maybe they are, but I just think. Because a lot of the time, Max, when you see the fire engine go by, they are all sitting bleary eyed in the back eating sugar puffs.

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And that would make me think maybe they've just been asleep. In jim-jams. Yeah, you're right.

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Okay. 6.20, Jess. I loved it when you just said jim-jams. I did go. My son went on like a beaver's trip to our local fire station.

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I was more into it than him. I really shocked myself by, I had a number of questions for the fighters.

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Right. And what were they? Yeah, I really pinned them down. I wanted to, I found myself asking like quite a lot of detail about their shift patterns and stuff.

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Yeah. When does the ranger get the rota? That kind of thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

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What do you mean blue shift, red shift? You swap. Talk to me about the local traffic measures because that must be annoying.

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Oh, that, they were hot on that. Livid. I know four-year-olds were asking these questions.

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The four-year-olds were busy having a go with the hose. It's like a cardboard house at the back they can smash up with a massive hose of water.

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But I found myself there with a kind of pen and pencil and a list.

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My question, if I've been on this Beavers trip, also in your imagining of this, I want you to imagine I'm in the outfit as well with the trousers to the knee and a little kind

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of cycling cap with the peak down, is what is the proportion is taking cat out of tree versus actually pulling old ladies out of skyscrapers?

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I'm being heckled by a cat. I'm so sorry. Yeah, you are. I'm just going to touch her.

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She is so loud. It's when I said cat. It is when you said cat.

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Do you have that skill, David? Yeah. You could have said any other animal at any other time on this podcast and they would just appear.

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Yeah. If you say donkey and then a donkey appears either behind me or Jess.

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Yeah, or shark. We will know you have this talent. Yeah, exactly. Much worse than you just start to lower down.

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My point, and it was a good point, so I'll go back to it, is how often do you actually do what I call, you know, the lift where you've got someone over your shoulder, etc.

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versus more mundane stuff like a talk in schools about how to make sure there aren't kittens under your bonfire?

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Oh, gosh. Yeah, you must check that. I didn't want to ask him it because it felt like I gave a very basic version of this question where I said, is it mainly, are there many fires?

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And he said, is that code? And is your question really, is it cats and trees?

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And I said, yeah. And he said, no, it's neither of those things. There's not many fires.

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There's not many cats up trees. And that the vast majority of their job is like carving people out of car accidents.

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And I was like, okay, I don't think I could do it. No, I forgot about that.

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And then all the beavers who were like, now let's hear some pictures. That's definitely.

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Okay. So 6.20, it's 6.20 a.m. So you've got an alarm. You've woken by the cat or the alarm or the child?

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Alarm. Right, okay. Alarm, alarm on phone. That's early. Child didn't wake up till 10 past seven.

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Had to wake the child up. Okay. What are you doing? Why are you getting up at 6.20?

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I had to get him to his breakfast club by 7.35. Okay. Because I had an 8.00 a.m. appointment at the gymnasium.

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Oh, great. This is exciting. Okay. So 6.20, we're on the clock. What's the first thing you do, Jess?

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We. Yeah. Okay. Do you get to the toilet or just right there? I get to the toilet and I should add, not through the clothes.

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Okay. Really good. I get those down. I get the gym jams down. I know what it sounds like the Daily Mail here, but when you said, what was the first thing you did?

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And you just said, we. I was like, well, Jess has changed her pronouns to we, sort of like the Queen's pronouns.

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Do you know what I mean? What did we do then, Jess? We have to go through the whole.

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We as a nation went for a slash. Do you know what? There's a guy at our local cafe and he comes up and he, rather than saying, do you want a coffee to me and Jay, he says, will we be having a coffee this morning?

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I can't get over how formal it is. And it really pisses me off, but I can't.

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He's so polite. I can't say anything. I just wanted to chill out a bit.

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It's just a bit too much. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So we have a wee. Okay.

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Right. So I pulled the gym jams back up. I'm just getting a sense of why this podcast is this long.

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Right. So I'm, I'm like, I'm hoisted by my own petard here because I will just tell you what happened in my actual day.

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Yeah, please. That's it. Yeah, actually. Okay. I make a coffee and when I say a coffee every day, I drink one of these to myself.

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Wow. Okay. It's like a one foot French press. It's a 1.5 liter, eight cup bolden is how I would describe that.

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How many spoons is it? Are you using? I don't even use a spoon. I just shake it in.

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Shake it in. Whoa. So have your normal sized coffee packet, if that's what you're using, how much are you pouring in?

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It's about three or four big shakes. And I want to see probably three quarters of a centimeter of the bottom completely covered.

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Got it. Okay. If there's resistance on the push, I know I've fucked it and I've made it way too strong.

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Got it. Okay. So you want an easy push. I want an easy push, but I don't want to.

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No, of course. It's got to have a bit of resistance. And what are we, are we having like a five?

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What's on the coffee scale? No, three. I like a weak number on the bag.

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Five poo day. Is that what you're meant to say here? Sounds like a five poo day if that bad boy's getting chucked in there.

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Okay. So it's a moderate, it's a lot of coffee, but it's a mid strength, medium roast.

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Okay. I'm with you. Do we drink it black or do you have some milk with it?

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I drink it black. Wow. Hardcore stuff. I love it. Okay. Where's this day going to go?

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Yeah. What are we doing while we're drinking this? Oh, do we just sit in silence with this coffee?

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No. And what's happening? Well, we've got yesterday quite an abnormal day. Normally there'd already be a child to communicate with.

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Sort of force a cuddle upon that he doesn't want. Yeah. Okay. But he was asleep and I thought, I knew that he'd been up.

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He's struggling to get to sleep at the moment. So I knew he'd been up drawing pictures till very late, like nearly 11.

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So I thought, let the twit sleep. What age are we talking for this one?

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10. Just turned 10. Just turned 10. Okay. Okay. Okay. Yeah. Normally I'd communicate with him. Wasn't an option this day.

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So I went straight to the next thing, which is to sort of inefficiently flit about my kitchen and landing, beginning a thousand jobs.

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Oh, wow. Okay. Lovely. There's crockery to put away. I'll do a few items. There's cat litter to change.

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I'll scoop one turd. It's not a neurotypical approach to housework. Sure. Eventually it all gets done.

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I'll start a thing, spot another thing. Oh, I should do that. And then I should do that.

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And I'll begin some lists. Sorry, just to wind the clock back there. What is his art that he's doing until 11 o'clock at night?

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What is the style of it at the moment? Is it specific stuff? Is it a sign that says, mother, please do not wake me till after seven?

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I'd love him to call me mother. Occasionally I get called bruv. I'd love to be called mother and be asked, what, are we having coffee today?

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It was a kind of humanoid, lizard-headed, three-eyed, very heavily muscled character. Yeah. He'd drawn one stalactite, the one from the ceiling.

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Is it tight or might? One stalactite. Because he'd just drawn one that looked suspiciously like a dick.

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He's entering his Aunt Dick's funny era, which I imagine will last the next 20 years.

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Oh, at least. He's into like a brain rot and that crap that all kids his age are obsessed with like those games online and stuff where there's characters based on brain rot.

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So there were probably influences from that in the picture that I am too disinterested in his passions to acknowledge.

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So hang on, brain rot is an actual, like a thing? Yeah, it's a set of characters.

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And they're called brain rot. Yes. And they're called things like cappuccino, assassino and things like that.

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They've all got silly little rhyming names. It's all got quite a toxic history, but the children using it at the moment have got no idea, I don't think.

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Right. Okay. I'm not one of those guys who's saying everything's always been the same, but there is a sort of version of it.

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As in, I remember generally left-handed people in my class, in school, who the teachers had sort of given up on trying to teach.

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And they would just have a blank copy book and be drawing like a really ornate war scene, complete with like muffled, like, I'm going to get you, put a bomb, I'm going to drop a bomb.

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You know what I mean? Like that. So I do feel the genre has existed for some time.

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It's so true. And my son's left-handed. Okay. So you are doing your jobs. Do you get them all done or eventually you just leave the sort of half done?

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I sort of willfully leave the litter because I'll do it last, hoping I run out of time for it because then I'm only a step-parent to those cats.

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Got it. And my partner doesn't need to get up for hours later than me.

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And I think she'd give her one thing left to bloody do. It's her cat litter.

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Yeah. Let her do the cat litter. I mean, it's not her cat. She's not shitting in there, but they're her previous relationship baggage.

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Oh. Got it. I got it. So we pick up the shits. We put them in the bodum.

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We replunge and we go, darling, there's coffee down here for whenever you get up.

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Bang. What a start to the day. Okay. So this takes us. Does this take us to the time when your baggage wakes up?

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Yes. My baggage wakes up forgetting he's on the promise of a shower. So he's already half dressed.

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There were real tears about the revelation that a shower will need to occur. Right.

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Yeah. Okay. He's obsessed with football and he's got like at least one sport every day.

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He's a very fizzy and active hulk of a baby and he is sweaty and it is time to move into more frequent washing and it's not going down well with him.

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How do you get him in? Bribes. Just a leather hold all, 10,000 pounds cash. At one point it was cold, hard cash.

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We're talking 50p's, 20p's. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I thought this can't go on. So no, we've, bit of a carrot, bit of a, what's the other one?

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What do you dangle when it's bad? Stick. I was thinking carrot's pretty shit. Who's getting in the shower for a carrot?

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Do you know what? He must, he's never been a very compliant child, but he must have got more compliant because I don't believe I've offered much in the way of carrot for the last few months of showers or baths.

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Well, that's good. So you just say you've got to get in and he says, oh, mom.

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And then he gets in. Oh, bruh. Yes, exactly, yeah. And then he gets in.

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Okay. Let me just come in here. Like, I know this sounds like Victorian times, but we didn't have a shower in our house till I was 17.

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We had a bath. I mean, you could kneel down with one of those crappy hair things that you popped on the ends of the taps.

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Like the rubber nozzles. The rubber nozzles. Yeah. Now, I was doing a lot of sport at the time, so I would have showered a lot in school or wherever I happened to be.

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But it gave me a lifetime. I mean, even to this day, the Helen Copter sometimes will have to be like, you haven't had a wash for some time.

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Yeah. So I know. I'm sorry. But I am also, I think I'm quite a self-cleaning guy.

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I'm like that. I don't mean that I lick my armpits like a cat, but rather maybe it was just this year when I wasn't showering so much, my body learned to just take care of itself.

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Is that too much information? I reckon I go two days without a wash and I'm not that smelly.

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Yeah. I think two days is all right. But it depends what you've been doing.

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Yes. I think if there's been any kind of PE. That's true. Have a little rinse.

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Yeah. So hang on. While your son is showering, what are you doing? You're just standing outside the bathroom making sure it's happening?

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I feel like I do need to come back to why my son is not a natural washer, which we've covered.

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Yeah. I too, I had undershowered him and I had a moment of revelation thinking, it's a bit nuts that we give all kids and babies baths.

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Oh yeah. Not just environmentally, but like, why are we having them wallow in their own cess?

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And like, why do we teach them to stand up in a shower younger? Like it's a weird cultural thing, I think, in the West that we're not showering our babies.

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Yeah. But I tell you why it's good. Because I have a three and a half hour and a 10 month old.

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And if you get them both in their little baths. Yeah. That's handy. Then you can just stand by the, in the bathroom, but like just to the side and you can doom scroll and they're all right.

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Oh, that is nice. Yeah. That is nice. Problem is our shower is very weedy and pathetic because my partner wanted it in a different spot where we can't really have much water come out.

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End of that. That's the, all I've got to say on that. But I hadn't realized I'd indoctrinated my son into thinking that that's what a normal shower is like.

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And we went to stay at my mum's where they've got not a power shower, but just a shower with a normal amount of water pressure.

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And he was about six or seven and got him in that. And he just a normal shower.

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He's like, sorry, is there a third way here, which would be rather than shower or bath, you could get them to hold onto a bar of some kind and just sort of dunk them in like the way you might gold plate.

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Like the witches, like witches. Yeah, like witches. Like filthy witches. Oh, this happened to me.

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Have I told you this story? This happened to me. What? You've got checked to see if you're a witch.

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Yeah, I wasn't one. It was, I don't know why they did it. No, TalkSport for the RNLI.

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I've told you this, surely. As an advertisement for the RNLI, they looked around all the hosts at TalkSport and I was the only one who wouldn't definitely die when lowered into water that is the temperature of the Thames at nighttime in February or something.

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And they filmed lowering me into, you know, nought degrees. And it's fucking cold. That's what it is.

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My system doesn't involve you being lowered into freezing water like that. So you hold onto the bar and you're just lowered into nice water and then straight back out again.

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Maybe on the way up, there's a Dyson type thing where air is blowing at you from both sides.

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Oh, really nice. Like a car wash for children. That's exactly what it is. There's circular rollers in there.

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Dump them in. It's a tepid dunk. It's a strong pitch, but Debra Meaden wants to nail down on the numbers.

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How much of your own money have you invested in this? Oh, no. Debra, I've been putting my own children through the car wash for the last five years and they're absolutely fine.

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Don't use the waxing stage. Don't go for the deluxe wash. Technically shiny children. Where are we now, Jess?

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Where are we, Jess? He's in the shower. Right. What are you doing? Finishing those jobs, throwing some clothes on.

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I didn't put much effort into that. As I said, it's only going to the gym.

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Two minutes dressing in the dark. Yeah. And then it's the hustle. It's the kind of passive aggressive.

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Maybe, yeah, couldn't go in a few minutes. A couple of minutes till we go now.

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And the occasional one was like, I'm doing it. Is there any breakfast happening? Well, no, he's going to breakfast club.

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I did have some breakfast. Oh, good. I had a breakfast I hated because it needed to, I just had to have something because otherwise I wouldn't have been able to achieve any PE.

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If I had my real way, I'd eat brekkie later, but I know I can't get much done in terms of gym stuff if I haven't.

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So I had, I bought some like, it's called Ufit cereal that's got some added protein because there's a really nice chocolatey protein cereal called Surreal.

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Yeah. It's sponsored by either of these bastards. And I couldn't find that, but I could find this Ufit one.

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It tastes a fuck all. It's so heartbreaking. It's just a bold texture. It's just fuel.

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I might as well have had a fuel. It was heartbreaking. Could you have a banana?

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You know, could you jazz it up a bit? Oh, I had strawberries, raspberries, blueberries, and they were a game changer.

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Yeah. Thank God they were there. It's when we get a mouthful of them is good.

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And then you have the sad ones that are just the Ufit on their own.

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Yeah. I basically had a bowl of fruit and texture. Okay. Could you get Ufit on the night before, put it in oat milk and basically make what I call overnight Ufit.

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And then in the morning, grate an apple on top of it, put some peanut butter.

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You know what I mean? Like, I'm all about tricking things up. Right. Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

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Overnight Ufit has got a great look to it. It's a promising pitch, but Touker Suleyman wants to break down all the numbers.

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I think Tim Spector's going to be all over this. How do we get him to school?

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Car. Or breakfast club. Yeah. Great. But it's electric. Is that bad? Yeah. I think that's good, isn't it?

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That's cool. And we live far away from his school because we lived closer to that when we, when he started and I didn't want to move him away from all his friends.

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So we are like a good old, it would be about a half hour walk.

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Yeah. So we drive. So we drive. It's so early. You will surely not much traffic on the roads.

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You silently like a hawk move through the streets into your silent electric vehicle. Yeah.

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And I've got a sneaky back road. Way I go. Nice. We had a bit of fun.

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And it was last Monday where we, where a big, big vehicle had taken our sneaky route and got stuck on a corner of a little park.

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That's good. We weren't late or anything. So we just took great joy in watching it.

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It was such an abnormal load. It had its own little man and a van behind it with a sign on the back saying abnormal load.

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But the little man wasn't much used to the driver. And the little man had got out and everyone had come out of their homes because this lorry was just, just slowly, very slowly and carefully backing into various walls and cars and just obliterating everything it touched.

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And then it even got like, there was a two way road sign and it got, it had like a crane on its back, like an elbow that had like wires over the pointy bit.

25:02 - 25:08

And one of the wires got caught on a road sign and he just drove off with it and it like pinged back and like bits everywhere.

25:08 - 25:14

And now it's permanently bent like a crooked finger. And my son was like, this is amazing.

25:14 - 25:19

I was like, it is pretty good. That was a fun day. But no, that didn't, none of that occurred yesterday.

25:20 - 25:24

We just had a straight through route. Although I did get held up at the gates of Breakfast Club.

25:24 - 25:32

I bumped into my friend James, who was dropping his children off. And he misread the energy of my, the rush I was in.

25:32 - 25:37

Oh yeah. And just took a bit of time out of my day telling me about a problem with his knee.

25:37 - 25:41

He's got a fatty knee. Has he got a fatty knee? Oh, James, it's fatty knee.

25:42 - 25:45

This is, this is what we want to get into. And has he tried anything for this?

25:45 - 25:50

I think I might've had that. I think I whacked it on the ground at the Edinburgh Fringe in 2024.

25:51 - 25:58

And it took about six months of icy coldy, icy coldy, icy coldy, where you keep having to swap one in and out and microwave the other.

25:58 - 26:06

Yeah. Oh yeah. He showed me, he got his knee out for me. How quickly does he get, you know, like, Hey Jess, how are you?

26:06 - 26:10

How are you? Oh, I've got a fatty knee. If you know James Ransom, and yes, I will use his whole name.

26:10 - 26:15

He will get his kit off like that in a public environment. But he does go straight to his fatty knee.

26:15 - 26:20

Like, surely that's like three questions in to the chat. No. He's got the trousers with the zip.

26:20 - 26:28

Do you know those slightly unnerving trousers where the calf zips off? Oh no. I think Max has those trousers actually.

26:28 - 26:33

I don't have those trousers. So he could show the fatty knee to whoever he wants with it.

26:33 - 26:42

I hope that North Face and all those shops that are selling those knee zip trousers say, look, you never know when you're going to encounter a bog.

26:42 - 26:46

You're never going to know when you're going to need to show some of my new fatty knee.

26:46 - 26:51

How much fatter is the fatty knee to his normal knee? Couldn't see the difference to any other knee.

26:51 - 26:57

Oh, really? Okay. Well. I look like a normal knee. So he's overplaying this. James Ransom is overplaying this fatty knee.

26:57 - 27:02

James Ransom, you've used his real whole name. And he's, there's the potential in listen. Yeah.

27:03 - 27:08

He's a big comedy fan. Yes. He squished the fatty part under his cap. Oh.

27:09 - 27:14

And told me it had been pinched. Yeah. Poor guy. And just said, just never get old.

27:14 - 27:21

And they said he called, they call it jumper's knee. Right. And he said, that's ironic because he's, he avoids jumping at all costs.

27:21 - 27:26

That's it. That day he was going to have to do some handstands instead. He's the same age as me, I think.

27:27 - 27:31

42. I've never known him to jump. So I think, you know. Oh, I've seen him jump.

27:31 - 27:37

He's, oh, have you? Yeah. We've entered jumping competitions together, me and James. Of course.

27:37 - 27:41

Yeah. It's a typical thing you can do on a Tuesday, isn't it? Yeah. What are you doing now?

27:41 - 27:45

Just jumping. Yeah, I've seen jumping with my friend James. And what do you listen to with your son in the car?

27:46 - 27:55

Great question. He likes to listen to the rest is football or today's hits music wise, and then tells me to skip everything until he gets to a song he likes.

27:55 - 28:01

He's chosen a, there are other football podcasts. Max has got a football podcast. Just this.

28:02 - 28:06

This was a terrible error on his part. Yeah. I'm disappointed. But you know, he's 10.

28:06 - 28:11

I'm not sure if the Guardian Football Weekly's given him a couple of years. You know, we're more erudite.

28:11 - 28:17

Do you know what? I think he might be into it. I've never met anyone with a passion as hot as his love for football.

28:17 - 28:24

And he'd probably listen to every available podcast. When I was 10, I knew everything. He'd be better than me at doing that job because I knew everything then.

28:24 - 28:32

And it's just slowly dissipated from my brain. Yeah. But here's what happens. The one time ever, Jess says, let's try this.

28:32 - 28:43

Pops on Guardian Football Weekly. Oh, there's a man from the north of England going in 1953 when Hungary decided to play three at the back for the first time.

28:43 - 28:50

Other teams were baffled. And then turns on the rest is football. And it's just being like, Messi is so good.

28:50 - 28:56

It makes my balls hurt. You know what I mean? One is different to the other.

28:57 - 29:01

Yeah. No fair. Okay. So James has taken up your time. So now we're in a bit of a, are we in a bit of a rush, Jess?

29:02 - 29:08

Yeah, we are. Yeah. Yeah. What's the class we're heading to? Yeah. I have to bring the car back home, leave the car there, get out the car.

29:08 - 29:14

Don't even have time to get back in the house. Just leave. Just walk on foot down the road to the gym.

29:14 - 29:23

Okay. Are you in the gear? I'm already in the gear. Yeah. Great. Gear with coat on top, water bottle in pocket, rest of coffee and flask in other big pocket.

29:23 - 29:30

Wow. And what are we doing at the gym? First things first, I'm meeting up with someone who I am giving some training to.

29:30 - 29:38

Wow. Oh, wow. Yes. Like a proto client. I am unqualified. You're a vigilante personal trainer.

29:38 - 29:48

So I am currently, because I had a gap from, well, apart from a week at Soho Theatre, from August till February before my tour starts.

29:48 - 29:58

For a laugh, for some research for another work project, I have done a course to qualify to become a personal trainer and fitness coach.

29:58 - 30:05

Fucking great. It's coming to an end soon. It's a lot more coursework than I had anticipated.

30:05 - 30:12

Really? But the in-person stuff has been like revelatory and joyful. And I'm working with her.

30:12 - 30:17

And they make the adult who's like your client for 10 sessions. They're called your body.

30:17 - 30:23

She's my body. Your body. She's being a body. She's just a body to me.

30:23 - 30:29

Are you doing this for a role? Are you actually doing it? Like, does your body know that you're not a real personal trainer?

30:29 - 30:35

Or does she? Yes. My body's had to sign her life away. And now I am uninsured and unqualified.

30:35 - 30:46

I am practicing on her. And does she want any exercise? She does. So do you get, for a fake personal trainer, do you get a better rate than a real one?

30:46 - 31:02

It's free. It's free. Okay, got it. Okay, fine. No other questions. Now, Jess, my feeling is, knowing you a bit, you would be like, all right, first up, you got to end that relationship.

31:02 - 31:10

You know what I mean? That the training, what I call 360 training, you got to quit that job.

31:10 - 31:15

Yeah. You and I are going to Sri Lanka in six weeks. Is that the vibe with the person?

31:15 - 31:21

Because you're not supposed to do that when it's just give me 10 squats. No, you're not supposed to do that.

31:21 - 31:31

I hear you. Yeah. And I receive your prophecy for the future. But not with this client.

31:31 - 31:38

I'm confident. Because one, I want to pass the course now. I have invested a lot of time and energy.

31:38 - 31:44

Got it. And two, she is a far more powerful entity of a grown up than me.

31:44 - 31:50

Oh, wow. Like she's succeeded. Is she that woman who runs Facebook? Is that who it is?

31:50 - 31:56

That's her. How did you tell? Got it. Well done. I'm coming. Thanks so much.

31:56 - 32:03

Did you know her before? I did know her. She is a friend of my partner's and mine, but like a close friend of my partner's.

32:03 - 32:08

Yeah. Right. So you said, I need to train somebody. Can I train you? And what number session is this?

32:08 - 32:16

This was session number seven. Right. Of 10. Okay. And have you seen any improvement? Or has she let you down?

32:17 - 32:21

Oh, he or she. I don't know what the body is. She's definitely seen improvements.

32:21 - 32:24

Yeah. Okay. That's great. And what are you making her do? What were her goals?

32:24 - 32:36

What were her 10 week goals? I don't know if I'm allowed to. I think I'll be broad and say she already does lots of Olympic weightlifting, but she has hypermobility.

32:36 - 32:45

Right. So she wanted to work on her stability, effectively, to be as broad as that, like stability in her movements.

32:45 - 32:53

And her movement patterns are already really confident and really strong. So actually, that's quite a fun brief for someone programming.

32:53 - 33:02

Well, with your know-how, my colleague Max, his friend is a, is your friend a personal trainer, Max, that you got?

33:02 - 33:07

Yeah, Luke. So he asked for the shortest possible. 15 minutes a day. I've got 15 minutes.

33:07 - 33:10

I've got no more. I'm time poor. You can do a lot in 15 minutes from home.

33:11 - 33:18

So I do 10 press-ups on the minute, 10 press-ups, 15 squats. Well, I've changed that to 10 jump squats on the minute, 15 minutes.

33:19 - 33:24

Haven't done it yet today. And it's quarter to 10 in the evening in Melbourne. So I'm knowing I've got to do it when this finishes.

33:24 - 33:29

I'm on day 80. I've missed about four days. And look at me now. That's really consistent.

33:30 - 33:39

Don't beat yourself up about missing four days out of 80. That's okay. Also, and you're doing all of that in the one minute, 10 press-ups unbroken into 10 jumping squats.

33:39 - 33:44

Yeah. And then I wait until the next minute starts, 15 minutes. Wow. That's an amazing use of 15 minutes.

33:44 - 33:49

Thank you so much. And you're a not qualified person. But hang on, when do you qualify?

33:49 - 33:55

I should get my qualification in the new year, yeah. And your body is an Olympic weightlifter?

33:55 - 34:00

Yeah. Well, for fun, yeah. Well, Olympic weightlifting is a- It's a type of weightlifting.

34:00 - 34:03

It doesn't mean you've been to the Olympics. Yes. Okay. It's not representing South Korea.

34:04 - 34:08

She won bronze medal in Seoul. You're like, oh, this is incredible. Okay. So you do this session.

34:08 - 34:15

Are you happy with how she's progressing? Yeah, really happy with how she's progressing. And she's really lovely to spend time with.

34:15 - 34:24

And she's a joy to coach. So that is a very nice hour. We try a few things which we have to adapt, which is actually really good practice for me.

34:24 - 34:31

Oh, God. I mean, this isn't very funny, but I'm basically, I'm really enjoying learning things outside of direct work that are more like researchy side things.

34:31 - 34:37

I'm working on another project that's involving me doing loads of research into like how the mind works and inner experience.

34:37 - 34:44

And that's great as well. Wow. Midlife crisis either. I'm like, I feel like back to school.

34:44 - 34:51

Are you getting worryingly close to becoming a sort of high performance person? Do you think you're getting to that stage?

34:52 - 34:59

What do you mean? Do you have three word slogans stuck on the walls of any rooms around your house?

34:59 - 35:11

No. Right. Okay. Oh, it literally says home sweet home. That is not a traditional high performance slogan, to be honest.

35:11 - 35:17

I feel the high performance version of home sweet home would be more like, don't stay here.

35:17 - 35:23

You could be doing gains at the gym. Get out. Yeah. That's too long. Don't get comfortable.

35:24 - 35:28

That's what it would say instead of home sweet home. Yeah. Don't relax. Get gains.

35:28 - 35:41

Yeah. So you follow this with a sesh of your own. Yes. Or my question with, because personal trainers are always so buff, do they just get buff from assisting other people?

35:41 - 35:58

Or do they themselves have to then do their own thing? I mean, I do love the idea that they just go, can I give you a piggyback to the door just to get my shit in, just to get my weighted vest steps in.

35:59 - 36:02

And also, you do the piggyback to the door, but then you do like 10 reps back to the door.

36:02 - 36:06

Oh, no, not yet. And they're back again. And they really want to leave, but you can't.

36:06 - 36:10

And they're like, I can nearly reach my coat. And they're like, no, we're going for a spot to work with you.

36:11 - 36:19

Yeah. Hey, Jess, I have a question. I'm nosy. And I know you can't tell us, but can you tell us why you're becoming a personal trainer?

36:20 - 36:26

It's for a project. Yeah. Yeah, but you know, I'm not in the acting world, so I want to know what it is.

36:26 - 36:31

Let me give you some options, Max, so that Jess doesn't have to. It's not an acting job.

36:32 - 36:48

Number one, she's writing a thing that involves her wanting to see, from in the past, having written about the benefits of lifting and general gym stuff, that now wants to see it from the other side.

36:48 - 36:55

So could that be for a book? Could that be for a stage show? Could it be a documentary, even?

36:55 - 36:59

Oh, he's good. Something like that. He's on the money here. He's on the flipping money.

36:59 - 37:13

So that could be it. What kind of general energy? There's quite a lot of things that comedians end up doing where, like, actually, to get the project over the line, Max, they need to be either joined by an expert, or in some

37:13 - 37:26

way, I think, certainly in the book world, they call things expert-led. Right. Like, if you can bridge that divide and not just be a clown with opinions, I'm in there.

37:26 - 37:32

God. And it can help get things, it can help get things like that over the line.

37:32 - 37:37

So I thought, why not? That's another reason why I'm never going to make it, because that's a lot of effort.

37:37 - 37:45

So absolutely. Well, what I do is my last show, Clown with Opinions, and then Clown with Opinions 2, the new show that I'm working on.

37:46 - 37:57

Yeah. Right. So what's your session? What are you doing, Jess? Yesterday, I just did deadlift and bench, but sort of a longer, deloady stuff of both of those lifts.

37:57 - 38:05

I'm doing a little in-house powerlifting competition on Sunday, and I only thought about doing it about four weeks ago.

38:05 - 38:10

And so I thought that's quite a nice thing just to keep up those, like, squat dead and bench.

38:10 - 38:15

Do both those lifts twice a week for four weeks in preparation for that. You go, Max.

38:15 - 38:21

I think we both have questions. Well, my question is this. The beauty of this podcast is the lack of preparation.

38:21 - 38:30

So I have not checked too much into your past, Jess, but are you a powerlifter or why are you doing a powerlifting competition?

38:30 - 38:37

I suppose I am one in the sense that I do lift those weights, but it's not like, you know, it's not my job.

38:37 - 38:42

It's not what I'm known for. I also love Olympic weightlifting, but I like all PE.

38:43 - 38:47

I even like the out of breath stuff. So I'll have a go at the fatty thing.

38:47 - 38:51

Like I've done the high rocks. What's a high rocks? Do you know what I mean?

38:51 - 38:57

What's a high rocks? It's the one Ed Gamble did. It's the person dwelling in the cave of the past.

38:58 - 39:08

High rocks is like where you and a load of people with incredible teeth push a sled around a gym.

39:08 - 39:16

Then you run on a track and then you all high five each other. And some of you have affairs with other people in the group.

39:16 - 39:52

Okay. And it's really wild, but very superficial sex. Yeah. That is three minutes uphill on a treadmill.

39:52 - 39:56

I can't get to depth on my wall balls because I've used up my hip.

39:56 - 40:12

It flexes are done from all the bone. Jess, is powerlifting the one where you lift it right up to your chin and then do the thing where you sort of do the splits and raise it up?

40:12 - 40:17

Or is it the one where you just lift it up like two heavy urns of milk?

40:19 - 40:24

That's neither in powerlifting. Okay. So the first lift you described is called a clean and jerk.

40:24 - 40:29

So the clean is the bit where you get it from the floor to here.

40:29 - 40:34

Yeah. And the jerk is the bit where you get like that and you split your legs and your arms.

40:34 - 40:42

Yes. And the second lift you've described, I think it's called a farmer's carry where you've got a heavy thing in each hand and you walk up and down a bit and that happens.

40:42 - 40:50

So the first lift, a clean and jerk is from Olympic weightlifting. Yes. And the second lift that farmer's carry is from strongman competitions or strong person competition.

40:51 - 40:56

So what is the one? We're doing powerlifting. So there are three lifts. Yeah. And the first is a squat.

40:56 - 41:07

So it's a back squat. So a barbell on your back and you sit down and your legs have to go, your knees have to go below your hip crease, your knee parallel and up just once.

41:07 - 41:13

Great. And you get three attempts and then you do bench press. Do you know that one?

41:13 - 41:17

Yes. We lie on your back. And it comes down and you push it back up again.

41:17 - 41:26

Yeah. And then you do deadlift, which is like half of a clean effectively. So you pick it up off the floor just to the point where you're standing fully upright with your shoulders back.

41:27 - 41:32

And I'm obliged now to ask, what are you benching, Jess? As in what's the most I've ever benched for once?

41:32 - 41:36

Max, we're not going to know what those numbers mean. No, we've got a vague idea.

41:36 - 41:42

Jess says two and a half thousand kilograms. We know what that is. Like we know what weights of things are, don't we?

41:43 - 41:51

I repeat the question. The most I've ever benched pressed is 73 kilos. I haven't really trained it very consistently for the last year.

41:51 - 41:57

So I would love, I benched 69 the other day and I would really love to match or maybe get 75.

41:57 - 42:09

Go on. You can do it. With the adrenaline of the competition. But my squat I'm more excited about because my squat's like, I've been a scaredy cat with it because I wasn't sure really for years, I've not really been training, I think to the

42:09 - 42:13

maximum of my ability for that because I was too scared of failing it safely.

42:13 - 42:17

But now I know how to, I think my numbers for that are about to go up.

42:17 - 42:22

So the most I've ever squatting before is 120 kilos and I think I've got 125. Stop it.

42:23 - 42:31

Do you ever put icing sugar on your hands before you do it? Or, you know, flour generally.

42:31 - 42:37

Yeah, it's chalk. Is it chalk? What does it do? Dries your hands out so that you're not slippy.

42:38 - 42:44

Ah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, David did think that Andrew Scanlon used Pritch Stick to wax her bits.

42:44 - 42:53

So, you know, just with sort of those, it's similar area of, you know, just not getting the right thing for the right thing, I suppose.

42:54 - 43:00

Okay. Jessica, how do you feel afterwards? Do you feel, oh, I can hardly walk home?

43:00 - 43:06

You know, is that the sign of a good workout for you? No, that's a sign of a bad workout.

43:06 - 43:17

Okay. Do you feel filled with life and joy? Do you feel like going into a butcher shop and high-fiving the butcher and playing a guitar solo on a chop?

43:17 - 43:23

You know, that sort of lust for life vibe? I'd say like 10% of that. Okay.

43:23 - 43:30

Okay. I feel like a tiny bit less. You're a grumpy old hag than I would if I hadn't done it.

43:30 - 43:36

It's more like a ukulele. A lamb chop is a tiny guitar. Anyway, do we go home?

43:36 - 43:44

Yeah. Okay. What's happening now? Quick shower. Hmm. Interesting. Quick shower. Grown-ups clothes. Yeah. Blouse.

43:45 - 43:49

Suit trousers. What's happening? A little lick of makeup. Oh, we're off to a meeting.

43:49 - 43:55

We're off to lunch. We're off to a meeting. What time are we? I arrived home 9.55.

43:55 - 44:01

I had to leave the home 10.30. Okay. Yeah. During this time, I also communicated with my wife.

44:01 - 44:06

Hmm. Reminder of what each other's days held. Okay. An admin meeting. A diary admin meeting.

44:06 - 44:10

I like those. We have them a lot. Is she still in bed? No, she's emerged.

44:11 - 44:17

Crumpily. But upright. About 10. God, we're rattling through this day, aren't we? What is that?

44:17 - 44:23

Half past 10 already. What's the meeting? Can you tell us? Is it more secret stuff?

44:24 - 44:34

It's a meeting with a new voiceover agent. Ooh. That's exciting. Great. Question. As the voice of Gaviscon, 2008 to 2015.

44:35 - 44:42

Yes. I found my voiceover agent, once I'd got the Gaviscon gig, decided not to get me any other gig.

44:43 - 44:47

Do you have high hopes? Or was the last one good? Or did you get rid of them because they were rubbish?

44:47 - 44:56

And like, where are we on to? What's happening with your voiceover at work? I loved the last one, but I've been with them for, I think, about 13 or 14 years.

44:56 - 45:08

And there was no Gaviscon moment for me, but the last few years have been particularly kind of hay bales on the work front.

45:08 - 45:17

So I think just with change comes hope. Yeah. I have had some really fun voiceovers in the past and I love doing them.

45:17 - 45:24

My favorite is I did a documentary once and the director was this woman who was the poshest sounding woman I've ever met.

45:25 - 45:32

But to look at, like hadn't washed her hair for a week. She had a load of like egg and marmite down her t-shirt, but sounded like the queen.

45:32 - 45:36

She was amazing. And her notes on the voiceover was like, you couldn't have written it.

45:36 - 45:41

She'd say things like, I love it, darling, but do that line again. Bit less chocolate, bit more nuts.

45:43 - 45:49

Do that line again. A few more raisins. Do you know what I mean? And every now and again, I would know what she meant.

45:49 - 45:54

So she'd say like, one more time, but a bit less Christmassy. Oh my God, I love this.

45:55 - 45:59

But most of the time they just, like it would be, what the fuck is she on about?

46:00 - 46:05

And it was brilliant. It was so fun. It was a whole documentary, like a whole series with her.

46:05 - 46:17

But yeah, it was a long time ago. Oh, that does sound good. With respect to your vibe, like I can't imagine you, Jess, DFS sofas.

46:18 - 46:26

You know what I mean? Come down tonight. It's got to walk out. 99, 99. Ah, 89, 99. They're nearly gone.

46:26 - 46:35

I can't imagine you doing that. I imagine a more considered, say an audio book or M&S.

46:35 - 46:40

You can do M&S. Easy. Yeah. Food things would be good, wouldn't it? Yeah.

46:40 - 46:48

First time I ever did a voice reel, my uncle like has a sound studio, it's a musician, and asked if he could like, you know, if I could go there.

46:48 - 46:51

I think I was about like 19. I was like, can I talk to a microphone?

46:51 - 46:55

And I didn't even realize that like a sound editor would mix up what you'd done afterwards.

46:55 - 47:01

So I was copying eye dents. And I remember going in and going, radio one, one, one, one, one.

47:04 - 47:10

Oh, that's so sweet. No, I mean, I hope this conversation isn't going to rule me out future DFS work.

47:10 - 47:20

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm joking. Jess, I'm imagining you saying stuff like, meanwhile, over in the penguin enclosure, you know what I mean?

47:20 - 47:29

And you hear sort of funny clarinet bassoon music as one of the penguins is like, learn to smoke a cigar or something.

47:30 - 47:41

You know, what are a zoo documentaries? I'm hearing, I'm hearing Ray has cooked sea bass on a bed of rocket with a caramelized rosemary jus.

47:41 - 47:46

I'm hearing that. Yeah. I think you could nail that. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So what happens in the meeting?

47:47 - 47:51

Do you do, this is what I would be saying. Are you doing these kinds of things to the voiceover agent?

47:51 - 47:56

You're saying I could also do, meanwhile, in the penguin enclosure. It's really nice to meet you.

47:56 - 48:00

Yeah, of course. Thanks for having me in this meeting, even though we're in person just talking like that.

48:01 - 48:09

I would like a drink. I'll have another black coffee, please. I've only had 12. Did they promise you the world?

48:10 - 48:15

No, they were too professional to promise me the world. There were more people there than I was ready for.

48:15 - 48:20

I thought I was meeting the one lady and I met the full team all around a big table.

48:21 - 48:33

Wow. How many is in the team? 104. 104 women under the age of 24. Did you text, does anyone want a coffee?

48:34 - 48:37

I'm on my way. Because that would have been a disaster. Can you imagine? Yeah.

48:37 - 48:46

Do you find when you're doing the weightlifting and you do the bit where you go like, when you're erasing it, you sometimes strain your voice.

48:46 - 48:53

So then when you go to do a voiceover afterwards, you're like, happiness, they got a lot on for Christmas.

48:54 - 49:08

Like that? No. I don't do that noise when I'm weightlifting, but sometimes, because you're holding your breath for most of the lifts, sometimes I go like this on the way up.

49:08 - 49:13

You could also do sooty. You could record voiceovers for sooty, two birds with one stone.

49:14 - 49:18

Yeah. You're getting fit and you're being sooty. Or is that sweep? Which one would that occur?

49:18 - 49:26

Love child of sooty and a dolphin. Yeah. So it's been a highly successful meeting, probably a bit of lunch then afterwards.

49:27 - 49:33

Yeah. Solo? Solo Nando's. Oh, yeah. Sorry. Whereabouts? Well, are we in the middle of London?

49:34 - 49:38

Where's the meeting? Where are we? Central London, yeah. Okay, great. Not like Soho. Okay.

49:38 - 49:47

Slightly further out than that. But Nando's felt like the best option that wasn't like, I wasn't feeling something as vortex-y as a Leon.

49:47 - 50:04

Right. Or wasabi. I wanted, I needed a tiny, tiny sense of soul and community, but I didn't, I don't have the means or the time to go and sit in a plush, independent restaurant surrounded by business twats.

50:05 - 50:17

So Nando's was the perfect interim option. Yeah, that's great. What's the order? A quarter of chicken, hot with two sides, rainbow slaw and tender stem broccoli.

50:18 - 50:28

Ooh, no chips? No. Wow, no chips. And I got a side of, they've got a new thing called house pickles and it's tiny bits of like broccoli and not broccoli, cauliflower and other pickles, but pickled.

50:29 - 50:35

Oh, good. That's good. And are you ready for this? I'm worried that you're just going to cut off the line, elderflower kombucha.

50:36 - 50:41

Ha ha! Ha ha! In Nando's. Do you have to smuggle that in? No, no, it's on the menu now.

50:42 - 50:47

What? Yeah. Do you have to walk across the room and constantly refill it from the pushy out thing?

50:48 - 50:53

Of kombucha. Yeah. I just got a fizzy vinegar. On draught. Oh, God. Oh, God.

50:54 - 51:03

There's a witch just bathing in us, just throwing in more herbs. She was a witch in our child dunking shower machine.

51:03 - 51:09

She's lowered there. She's on a bar. She's being lathered with panten and their kombucha's coming out the side.

51:09 - 51:16

That's how they make it. That's why it's no vinegary. Exactly. Oh, God. Okay, so how are we getting home?

51:17 - 51:20

Because we didn't get, are we on the tube? I'm going home. Oh, great. Where are we going now?

51:20 - 51:27

I'm going to a podcast studio. Ah, damn it. Turns out there's other podcasts. Yeah.

51:27 - 51:32

What's this one? Is this your podcast? No, Friends Pilot Podcast. Oh, a pilot. Okay.

51:32 - 51:38

So being a guest on that. That was our mistake. What was our mistake? We never piloted.

51:39 - 51:42

No, we didn't. You just dove in. You just divvin' in. We were straight in.

51:42 - 51:50

Kumar shat his pants within about 15 seconds of it beginning. We were like, ah, this is what it is.

51:50 - 52:00

But in fairness, it stayed pretty much true to that course. You don't have to tell us anything about it, but was it a sort of high concept idea?

52:01 - 52:12

It was quite a broad idea. There were a comedian host, me as a guest, and then another host, co-host who was an expert in psychology and physiology, like a professor.

52:13 - 52:20

And she was amazing. So we were idiots about things. And then she would sort of gently step in and explain a science.

52:21 - 52:40

Yeah, that was nice. The danger of getting people who know stuff on a thing is I once did, I think it's You're Dead to Me, the really big BBC, real prestige history podcast as the comic foil.

52:40 - 52:45

Now in that, you're with two historians. It was The Life and Times of Mozart.

52:45 - 52:57

Oh, wow. And they would tell more details from the incredible tales of Mozart. And I'd just be like, is that the song from the cigar ad on the telly?

52:57 - 53:02

You know, like you just feel like a bit of a fucking idiot, really, you know?

53:02 - 53:14

Yeah, it's tricky, isn't it? I've done, there's another Radio 4 one that's similar to that, where you are on with a historian, where I did Boudicca, Boudiccia, you call it.

53:14 - 53:22

And I had very little to contribute there. The historians just kind of smashing through these amazing facts.

53:22 - 53:25

And then every now and again, the host would be like, are you still there?

53:25 - 53:35

Are you all right? The student I dressed up as her once. We established earlier in this podcast when I suggested that squirrels hibernated with complete conviction.

53:35 - 53:42

And then people told me they didn't. I still don't believe the listeners. But we decided if we're expert free, it's Michael Gove's favorite podcast.

53:43 - 53:47

That's how we pitch this. He's really the only person that we like listening to it.

53:47 - 53:56

But we don't want experts. Because many times, actually, the best content is when we have clearly made something up about squirrels or, you know, tortoises.

53:56 - 54:00

Okay, so we do this pilot. They go, thanks so much for doing this pilot.

54:00 - 54:04

Are they going to put out the pilot? Because I always, whenever I've done a pilot, I'm saying, let's put it out.

54:04 - 54:10

Because then they feel the pressure. Otherwise, you don't feel the pressure that we are currently feeling doing this right now.

54:10 - 54:13

It did not have the energy of one that they were going to put out.

54:14 - 54:24

Right, okay. Unlike this. But hang on. I don't want to ruin this podcast. Sometimes I do think about it.

54:24 - 54:28

Like, I think it went very well. I just mean they were like, oh, don't worry about makeup.

54:28 - 54:33

It's only a pilot. It was like that. Oh, video. You see, that's one thing we don't have.

54:33 - 54:42

So I can, I don't have to think about my outfits very much. But it does cross my mind sometimes a football stadium of people listen to this.

54:42 - 54:48

You know, like, imagine me just standing on the halfway line. Or wander in to Old Trafford.

54:49 - 54:55

They do. And then listen to it at three o'clock together. Just played out of a little, a tiny little speaker in the middle of the pitch.

54:56 - 55:03

Yeah. That is a thought that crosses my mind. That me addressing all of these people standing on the halfway line.

55:03 - 55:11

Being like, stand by your new manager. Like, I'm saying that sort of stuff. Obviously, you can't think about that too much.

55:11 - 55:17

Because then that will make you reluctant to talk about, say, how much cum would fit in the bath.

55:17 - 55:27

Or whatever the new topic is. Actually, Jamie, my wife, Jess, is annoyed that I suggested she had the runs from the falafels we had the last midweek episode we did.

55:28 - 55:32

Because she said she didn't tell any of her friends that either. But I did say on this.

55:32 - 55:37

But that's okay. You've got to be honest about these things. It affected me worse than it affected her.

55:37 - 55:43

Right. So where are... As Max says that the Stratford end of Old Trafford is all cheering.

55:44 - 55:50

Falafels, falafels. Anyway. So now we are. Are we going home now? Is there another thing?

55:50 - 55:57

There's another thing. There's another thing. Holy moly. I cycled across town. Whoa. On your own bike or a lime bike?

55:57 - 56:02

Lime. But I have got a collapsible helmet. Wow. That's good. I love a lime bike.

56:02 - 56:05

I love a lime bike. Yeah. They're great, aren't they? Did you get a good one?

56:05 - 56:10

Because you can get ones that motor and then you get ones that are like, this is their last dying journey.

56:10 - 56:13

And you're like, ah. I think we should take the opportunity to use the word chunter.

56:14 - 56:20

Yeah. No, I got a motorer. But I got stuck behind a motorbike where I was like, I'm just breathing in.

56:20 - 56:24

I'm just... Every breath in. Yeah. It was taking 10 years off. Where's the journey from and to?

56:25 - 56:30

Because I... The journey was from Farringdon to St. Martin's Lane. This is a nice straight line.

56:31 - 56:36

12 mins. 12 mins. Okay. Backroads. But it was a Hoban area that humped me. Got it.

56:36 - 56:41

£4.92. Did you enjoy your journey? Five stars. Submit. Take a photo of your bike.

56:41 - 56:48

Are you paying per journey on your limes? Oh, do you know what? I am like signed up to like permanent lime.

56:48 - 56:54

£9.99 a month or something. But obviously, I'm not in London. And there's only about three lime bikes in Melbourne.

56:54 - 56:58

But I can't unsubscribe. I don't know how to. And then it's just on my list of things to do.

56:58 - 57:05

I never get around to it. No, I do like a four weeks. Or like you've got four weeks to get 400 minutes.

57:05 - 57:10

So if on the last day you're really screwed, you just go and lime around Hyde Park for hours.

57:11 - 57:20

Yeah, yeah. I'm liming to Hazel Mayer this afternoon. What happens if you ride a lime outside the area of limes?

57:20 - 57:26

It becomes like trying to cycle through the same prit stick. In a Sherman tank.

57:27 - 57:33

It's like trying to cycle a Sherman tank. Through Angela Scanlon's wax. Yeah, it is.

57:35 - 57:43

Oh, God. Oh, sorry, Angela. Sorry, Angela. I definitely don't know Angela well enough to be part of that conversation.

57:43 - 57:48

It'll be fine. I'll smooth it over. I'll say. No, smooth it over is not a phrase.

57:50 - 57:58

Why are we going there, Jess? Yes, good question. Because later I'm meeting my missus there for dinner.

57:58 - 58:03

And we're going to see a play that she has booked. Great. I got there a bit early.

58:03 - 58:07

So I went to a pub and had a 0% and did a bit of writing.

58:07 - 58:13

Was it nice? It was absolutely fine, actually. Perfect background hubbub. No one in there was having too much fun.

58:14 - 58:27

Yeah. But it was busy. It was lively. With the telly's on. Sometimes if I'm trying to do some proper work in a pub, because I definitely have a fantasy about sitting there with a pint, just gazing off to the distance and then thinking of a

58:27 - 58:33

beautiful poem or whatever. But that is sometimes ruined by the fact that... You're watching the UFC.

58:34 - 58:43

Yeah, UFC. Is on the screen. Have you seen that one the UFC do where they just slap each other really hard?

58:43 - 58:48

Oh, it's terrible. It's actually horrible. And you can see sometimes they're breaking each other's necks off with a slap.

58:49 - 58:58

It's awful. Yeah. With all these massive testosterone jawed, massive hands slapped, great big purple face with bruised bloodshot eyes.

58:58 - 59:02

Yeah. Yeah. For a while. Because if you watch one of those, your algorithms change for life.

59:03 - 59:17

Yeah. Yeah, but I'm sitting there trying to write a poem called The Crocus. Meanwhile, Reach for the Stars by S Club 7 is playing really loud and men are slapping each other in the face on six big screens.

59:20 - 59:28

Okay. So we do some writing and then we're off to dinner. Does your partner meet you in the pub or do you meet at the restaurant?

59:28 - 59:33

Oh, you'll like this. She met me outside the restaurant because it turns out I'd booked it for the day before.

59:34 - 59:40

Oh, yeah. And is it such a restaurant where you can't get a spot or are you all right?

59:40 - 59:44

No room in the inn. Oh, yeah. She's got a tappy foot and a clenched jaw.

59:45 - 59:53

Oh, dear. She's not impressed. Okay. Nando's again? Second Nando's? Second Nando's. She's vegetarian. All right.

59:54 - 1:00:00

Can't be second Nando's. No. No. A couple of kind of shirty little huffy. I'll go anywhere.

1:00:01 - 1:00:05

And then you suggest a place. Well, not there. A few of those. Back and forth.

1:00:05 - 1:00:10

Yeah. Interruption. When you say, oh, I booked you for yesterday, but I'm here now.

1:00:10 - 1:00:18

Now, does any part of them go, look, I'll talk to Petra, who's doing the tables at the back to get you in?

1:00:18 - 1:00:27

Or is it just like, nah, get lost? I didn't even ask. My missus was already outside and she was already like, I'm very much done with that as an option.

1:00:30 - 1:00:35

But it all turned out great. Yeah. We're going to walk towards the theater. It was only two minutes walking.

1:00:35 - 1:00:44

I was like, this is, I don't think there's great options around there. And I turned one more look over my shoulder and saw a suspiciously empty, massive Pan-Asian restaurant.

1:00:45 - 1:00:49

Okay. And I said, let's just look at the menu. And the menu looked pretty fun.

1:00:50 - 1:00:57

And we went in there and had a brilliant, if confusing time, culinary. So Pan-Asian is saying kind of all you can eat vibes.

1:00:57 - 1:01:01

No, not all you can eat, but like the food could be from anywhere. Yeah.

1:01:02 - 1:01:07

Any part of Asia. That is. It could be half of Russia. Asia could be represented.

1:01:07 - 1:01:13

Exactly. Yeah. You've got all the stands as well to factor in. You've got noodles, but you've got beetroot.

1:01:13 - 1:01:20

Yeah. I feel like some Papua New Guinea this evening and some East Coast of Russia.

1:01:20 - 1:01:24

No, Papua New Guinea is not in Asia. Papua New Guinea is definitely in Asia.

1:01:25 - 1:01:31

It's not in Australia. It's not in Oceania. I think it's in Oceania. This is why we have no experts.

1:01:32 - 1:01:37

Okay. Okay. I'm just going to see. Someone surely in the whole of Old Trafford.

1:01:37 - 1:01:42

It must know this. Is Papua New Guinea in Asia is one of the top questions.

1:01:43 - 1:01:52

Papua New Guinea is considered part of Oceania. God damn it. Yes. I feel like I won the quiz.

1:01:52 - 1:01:58

Until Jess says she opted for some Papua New Guinean food. Yeah. What did you get?

1:01:59 - 1:02:08

What did you order? We got a cocktail. We got a blue margarita. Yeah. And it was a margarita, but with some blue, what was it called?

1:02:08 - 1:02:18

Karakau. Yeah. It looked horrific and it tasted incredible. Wow. Okay. Good stuff. It had really nice tequila in it, but it looked like a kind of toxic waste.

1:02:18 - 1:02:22

And was it Estonian tequila? I know that's in Europe, isn't it? Damn it. I've made the same mistake.

1:02:22 - 1:02:30

I've made the same mistake. God damn it. It was not Bulgarian tequila. Yeah. Everything we ordered was not what it seemed.

1:02:31 - 1:02:44

Great. So for starters, my partner ordered a puff tofu, but that arrived in what was very much like a bean sprout soup with like some eggs on top of it.

1:02:45 - 1:02:48

Yeah. Do you think they just give you whatever they want to give you? Yeah.

1:02:49 - 1:03:01

I ordered something that was meant to be like a spiced something chicken and it turned up and it was like loads of crunchy dust on top of a tiny chicken catsuit.

1:03:02 - 1:03:10

I just tried with no spice at all. So tell me the psychology of this meal.

1:03:11 - 1:03:19

Does she greatly regret the fact that your hair initially, but the blue margarita, etc.

1:03:19 - 1:03:28

starts to turn the dials of enjoyment? You've nailed it. She's perking up. She's pepping up.

1:03:29 - 1:03:37

Conversation's getting funner. She's livening with every sip of bright blue tequila and every nibble of egg puffed tofu.

1:03:38 - 1:03:45

To the point where we got the giggles for a long time about the fact that we were going to see a play called All Our Sons.

1:03:46 - 1:03:58

My partner is a playwright and knows all about plays and began to tell me the backstory of the director and of the playwright and was saying, and he'd written another really seminal play, oh, what was it called?

1:03:58 - 1:04:05

What was it called? And I risked chiming in with, was it called All Our Mums?

1:04:06 - 1:04:15

And I knew we were onto safer ground because she did allow herself a big chuck like that and then went very serious and said, no, it was called All Our Bums.

1:04:16 - 1:04:24

Oh, really good. And we really, really set the tone by then. The trilogy. It's one of the most famous trilogies.

1:04:24 - 1:04:35

It's stunning. Yeah. And when she says that, you both clink blue margaritas together, both the glasses smash and you both look at each other and just laugh.

1:04:37 - 1:04:48

All Our Bums. There's glass in your egg, you tofu puff. Do we overeat? No, she stopped.

1:04:49 - 1:04:53

I finished everything I had on my plate and I probably didn't need to do that.

1:04:54 - 1:04:58

It was really nice, though. So it was like very smoky. It tasted a bit burnt.

1:04:58 - 1:05:03

That could have been on purpose. I had like a noodles. It was a great time.

1:05:03 - 1:05:07

A great time has had by all. Also, I should have this as like, it's a pre-theatre dinner.

1:05:07 - 1:05:19

So I think it's logical to overeat a bit because if you're having dinner at half five, six, you need to have a sort of dinner and a half to not be thinking about second dinner by 10.

1:05:19 - 1:05:39

Question. Is your son still at breakfast club? My son was passed from hand to hand, parcel to parcel yesterday to the point where I did have a little panic check-in with his dad later on.

1:05:39 - 1:05:46

Hang on. Can I just check? He made it from breakfast club to school to swimming to back to school to Julie's house to youth club and into your arms.

1:05:46 - 1:05:52

And he said, yes. Great. Great. It's good to know where his whereabouts. Let's get back on the tequila.

1:05:53 - 1:06:00

Hang on. Also, when you're 10, like I do remember people being like, David, you haven't washed for some time.

1:06:01 - 1:06:08

But I could say, yes, but I was swimming today. Yeah. A wash, basically. That's been his argument.

1:06:08 - 1:06:19

So he's at the moment, he's coming to the end of a fortnight where his whole class goes swimming every day for two weeks because it's part of the national curriculum.

1:06:19 - 1:06:24

I hadn't realized that they all need to have been able to swim 50 meters by the time they're 11.

1:06:24 - 1:06:28

So they do this now and again in the summer term. My son has loved it.

1:06:28 - 1:06:34

And his takeaway from it is because he's already had some swimming lessons and been allowed to give up because it got to the point where they were teaching him.

1:06:34 - 1:06:40

He hated the lessons. And I think once they're learning butterfly, you can sort of safely assume that you can learn.

1:06:41 - 1:06:48

So I let him stop doing the lessons. And one of the reasons he hated the lessons, he's very competitive and he wasn't the best there at it.

1:06:48 - 1:06:54

Got it. Whereas in the context of a class of kids, half of whom have never been in a pool, he is one of the better swimmers.

1:06:54 - 1:07:04

And so he's delighted with it. But my favorite thing he said the other day was normal PE is going to be so much less awkward and embarrassing now.

1:07:04 - 1:07:12

Like because previously at normal PE, people would be really shy and giggling because you had to get like down to your pants and the changing rooms and put your PE kit on.

1:07:12 - 1:07:16

And he was like, and now we've all seen each other's actual willies. Yeah. Their pants are nothing anymore.

1:07:17 - 1:07:32

It's true. Great point. Well made. I also remember most of the willies from that era to the point where I'm pretty sure if, oh God, if I saw photos of those willies.

1:07:32 - 1:07:46

On you bet. On you bet. You would. The weirdest you bet ever. If there was 10 people from my school when we were 16 and 10 willies across the top, I'm pretty sure I could still link them with a...

1:07:46 - 1:07:52

That's a fun quiz. That's one hell of a fun quiz. It's good when you want to keep the seat beside you empty on a train.

1:07:52 - 1:07:57

If that's the puzzle that you have out, you occasionally just show it to them.

1:07:57 - 1:08:02

And also if it's around at a pub quiz, but you, it's just a coincidence.

1:08:03 - 1:08:10

It's good for you and not for anyone else. Is it, you know, unless you were in class 3B at, you know, Dublin High School.

1:08:11 - 1:08:15

Dublin High School. Yes, that's where I went. Okay. So we're at the theatre. Are we at the theatre now?

1:08:16 - 1:08:20

Yeah. Okay. And we're in high spirits. How many tequilas have we had? Just the one.

1:08:20 - 1:08:27

Have we forced out a wee? I did one in the restaurant. She was wiser and saved hers for just pre-show.

1:08:27 - 1:08:33

So this play was two and a bit hours, no interval. Oh, fuck off. It's not on.

1:08:33 - 1:08:38

I mean, at least there's no interval, but still two and a half hours. All Our Bums was much shorter.

1:08:38 - 1:08:42

And I think that's where the playwright made mistake with this one. Was it good?

1:08:43 - 1:08:50

Yeah. Yeah. It was good. It had Brian Cranston's pickle in it from Breaking Bad.

1:08:50 - 1:08:54

Did he do a good turn? Is he good in it? Oh, he did one hell of a turn.

1:08:54 - 1:08:59

Yeah. He's mighty. He's mighty. I sort of want him to be my dad, but also maybe also wouldn't mind a kiss.

1:09:00 - 1:09:05

Okay. Yeah. Bit of both. I love him. Do they do the weird thing, Jess?

1:09:05 - 1:09:15

Sometimes when there's a famous O in a play, they get a round of applause when they come out at the start, which slightly ruins your suspension of disbelief.

1:09:15 - 1:09:21

I went to see, oh God, I'm so bad at remembering the names of things, but we went to see Susan Sarandon at the old Vic.

1:09:21 - 1:09:27

Yeah. And they fucking clapped after every scene. Yeah. And it was like, what the fuck is going on?

1:09:27 - 1:09:30

Like it genuinely was like, oh, you are, you are shitting on the rhythm of this.

1:09:30 - 1:09:37

If you're going to clap at every single transition. That was really weird. No, there was no clapping till the end.

1:09:37 - 1:09:42

And then I would say there was a kind of a profound, you know, I imagine it's a standing O every night.

1:09:42 - 1:09:49

Old Cranston pickle. Yeah. What I would say as brilliant as it was, is we were in the cheap seats up the top, up the sky.

1:09:50 - 1:09:57

Yeah. And I've been to see other things there where they designed the show so that everybody could see everything.

1:09:57 - 1:10:03

And they hadn't done that with this. It was quite a lot of a play where I didn't really know what was happening from the belly button up.

1:10:03 - 1:10:11

Right. And I was forced to guess. And so the irony is this really should have been better titled All Our Bums.

1:10:11 - 1:10:24

Yeah. Could you, in 10 words, tell us what it's about? Sneaky. Yeah. Lovable. Yeah. Lying.

1:10:24 - 1:10:42

Murder dad. Reveals to romantically complex family. Oh, yeah. Nice. So what's not the mousetrap, basically?

1:10:43 - 1:10:47

Question. Anyone else famous in it? Or when you opened the program, were they all in the bill?

1:10:48 - 1:10:55

I recognized them all. Wow. They weren't Brian Crantz. They weren't Brian's pickles famous. Right.

1:10:55 - 1:11:03

Lots of British actors doing amazing American accents. Oh, yeah. Yeah. It had that lad out of, I may destroy you.

1:11:03 - 1:11:09

Okay. Who's in the new Harry Potters. Did you get like a pint of wine before you went in or not?

1:11:09 - 1:11:14

One seven five mil. House red. One seven five. Okay. And did you finish that before the play had started?

1:11:15 - 1:11:22

No. Okay. Well done. Yeah. But I tell you what, I finished it. I probably finished it 40 minutes in to this play.

1:11:22 - 1:11:31

Bad. So, so dry. Yeah. Yeah. By the end of it, I didn't even need a wee because my mouth was so dry.

1:11:32 - 1:11:40

So dry. I think my colleague's question as to whether you wanted minstrels might demonstrate that he only goes to the panto the odd time.

1:11:41 - 1:11:47

He's next got asked, did you get a sort of reflecty thing that you crack in half and it blows that you just waved?

1:11:48 - 1:11:57

Okay. Hang on. Hang on. Okay. The old bit, wherever we're at, wherever theater this is, it won't have minstrels in a packet, but it will have like a cup.

1:11:57 - 1:12:00

They did have minstrels. It was Wyndham's. They had minstrels. Do they have minstrels? Yeah.

1:12:00 - 1:12:07

But you know what, if you had rustled a minstrel bag in that theater, someone would have come over and kicked you in the face.

1:12:07 - 1:12:12

Yeah. Really? The staff there were like, I went out. I thought, oh, do I go?

1:12:12 - 1:12:15

I might go out and see if I get water to go with this. And they were like, you've not got time.

1:12:15 - 1:12:22

You've not got time. It wasn't like snuggly, cuddly. They were like, shut down. Starting in nine minutes.

1:12:22 - 1:12:27

Did you have a wee at the end of this? Because everyone needs a wee after two and a half hours.

1:12:27 - 1:12:29

Or did you just go? I didn't have a wee until I got home. Wow.

1:12:29 - 1:12:34

Okay. My body had reabsorbed every liquid within it because it was so hard. Of course.

1:12:35 - 1:12:45

Of course. My red wine is barely liquid. Did herself go backstage afterwards? Sometimes, you know, being in the biz.

1:12:46 - 1:12:51

Was there any of that? None of that. Okay. Home on the tube or home on line bikes?

1:12:52 - 1:13:02

Overgram train. Oh. Oh, okay. So what time were we home? First train we sat on, we thought, gosh, I'm sure it's meant to have left.

1:13:02 - 1:13:07

And then eventually, just very faintly here, there's a fault on this train. So we all piled off.

1:13:07 - 1:13:10

We piled off, went and got on another train that wasn't leaving for another seven minutes.

1:13:11 - 1:13:18

Watched that one then leave. Oh, killer. Absolute killer. That is. Is it where there are people jumping between the two?

1:13:18 - 1:13:22

You know, there's like the Earl's Court problem when you're like, oh, shit, which one is this?

1:13:22 - 1:13:29

I don't know which to do. I think we got home about nearly 11. Okay. Did you do a crossword on the train?

1:13:30 - 1:13:35

No, doom scrolled. Just the two of you sitting beside each other? Oh, we did have a laugh.

1:13:36 - 1:13:42

There was a lady next to us with a man. They both sat on end seats, but not next to one another.

1:13:42 - 1:13:50

And they were like really getting off with each other and really battered. To the point where a young girl sat next to the woman and went, do you want to sit together?

1:13:51 - 1:13:55

And the woman was like, no, I'm fine. This is fine. She was just, it's fine.

1:13:55 - 1:13:59

It was fine. Honestly, it's fine. And then he got off right at London Bridge.

1:13:59 - 1:14:02

And this young girl I really liked her was like, are you not getting off with him?

1:14:02 - 1:14:08

And she was like, no, I'm not getting off with him. And sort of you watch everyone on the train going, oh, it's an affair.

1:14:11 - 1:14:17

He was like in his 50s. She was like stunning and in her 40s. And like, even though she was battered, her makeup was still perfect.

1:14:18 - 1:14:24

I haven't seen a woman that battered for a long time. And she was like missing the keys on her phone as she was texting.

1:14:24 - 1:14:30

And then she sort of made friends with this young girl and was telling her all about her affair that she's having with this kind of guy.

1:14:30 - 1:14:41

And then it was just great entertainment. And then when she got off to let the girl out, her sort of handbag opened and she rained super heavy tampons all over the whole town.

1:14:41 - 1:14:47

Oh my God. Her bag just shitting tampons out like fucking Christmas for people who have periods.

1:14:48 - 1:14:58

It was really fun. So hang on. Do you think that's why she hadn't gone home?

1:14:58 - 1:15:08

Or do you think... Oh, maybe. No. He's sorry to just bring another... I think they were drunk enough that there was no physiological point in the month that was going to put them off for the future.

1:15:11 - 1:15:17

And we get home. What do we do? Play two and a half hours. It had started, say, 7.30.

1:15:17 - 1:15:27

Went on until 10. Train home, 45 minutes. So we're approaching 11. I whinged. The walk home from the station, I whinged.

1:15:27 - 1:15:32

I was like, I'm done. I want to be home now. I'm sleeping. We did talk about the play all the way home.

1:15:32 - 1:15:36

But you have been out all day. I have been out all day, actually. Good point.

1:15:36 - 1:15:42

But it's not warm. No, I got in. I derobed. I weed. I brushed my teeth.

1:15:43 - 1:15:50

I refuse to talk anymore. I set my alarm. I shut my eyes. End of story.

1:15:51 - 1:16:03

What a day. So good. It had a sort of Canterbury Tales quality to it, where you dipped in and out of about 35 careers over the course of it.

1:16:03 - 1:16:10

I did, actually, yeah. And then just the piece de resistance, the two people on the train on the way back.

1:16:10 - 1:16:16

Wow. I love it. That was a real cherry. Thank you, Jess. Thanks for having me.

1:16:26 - 1:16:32

So there we are. Jess's day. Gosh, she did a lot, didn't she? Yeah. And she's trained to be a powerlifting instructor.

1:16:32 - 1:16:41

That came, that was, I was not expecting that. I know, but for another, you know, in the way that Robert De Niro worked as a taxi driver in New York for a year or whatever.

1:16:42 - 1:16:55

Right. You never exactly know what she is up to. In the same way that I have been a football broadcaster for 17 years, because I'm really getting into the role to play Des Lynam in the biopic of his life.

1:16:55 - 1:17:00

And I've put everything, put my heart and soul into this. And I just can't quite grow a good enough moustache.

1:17:01 - 1:17:06

And it's been given to Tom Selleck. And I'm very disappointed about it after all the work that I've put in.

1:17:06 - 1:17:13

We, it's fair to say, didn't know a lot about powerlifting, weightlifting, any of that.

1:17:13 - 1:17:20

No. We didn't embarrass ourselves, but we did the old trick where it's like, if I didn't know what this was, could you explain it to me?

1:17:20 - 1:17:28

Sure, sure, sure. We didn't make what is now a catalogue of David O'Doherty mistakes about waxing or cricket.

1:17:28 - 1:17:31

You know, we played it on this one. No one would have seen through it.

1:17:31 - 1:17:37

Everyone would have known. Well done to us. They'll only know having listened to this.

1:17:37 - 1:17:40

Yeah. But look, we're nothing if not honest. You have to, you can only be honest in this game.

1:17:41 - 1:17:49

In the game of yesterdays, honesty is everything. Let me tell you that. If you'd like to get in touch with this podcast, and we do value your feedback, here is how.

1:17:51 - 1:17:57

To get in touch with the show, you can email us at whatdidyoudoyesterdaypod at gmail.com.

1:17:57 - 1:18:04

Follow us on Instagram at yesterdaypod. And please subscribe and leave a review if you liked it on your preferred podcast platform.

1:18:04 - 1:18:12

And if you didn't, please don't. Hey, thanks, David. I'm still not sick of it.

1:18:12 - 1:18:19

We'll keep it going for forever. No, but I'm genuinely not sick of it. Like, I really look forward to it.

1:18:19 - 1:18:23

And as soon as it starts, each episode, and then they go, oh, I wake up at 6.35.

1:18:23 - 1:18:33

I'm like, okay, now we're in. Here we go. This is fun, isn't it? And I'm not just saying that because I'm on the Nam Nam alleys, which is the same Vietnamese lager that brought you everything in showbiz.

1:18:33 - 1:18:40

I'm just half a can in. We're trapped in Nam Nam alley. And we are for life.

1:18:40 - 1:18:44

Thank you for doing this with me. Everyone, we'll see you next week.

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The Great Christmas Bunny Emergency (Part 1 )

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S3 EP26: Jessica Fostekew