0:06 - 0:11
Podcasts, there are millions of them. Some might say too many. I have one already.
0:11 - 0:17
I don't have any because there are enough. Politics, business, sport, you name it, there's a podcast about it.
0:17 - 0:23
They all ask the big questions and cover the hot topics of the day. But nobody is covering the most important topic of all.
0:24 - 0:31
Why is that? Are they scared? Too afraid of being censored by the man? Possibly, but not us.
0:31 - 0:36
We're here to ask the only question that matters. We try and say it at the same time, Max.
0:36 - 0:39
What did you do yesterday? What did you do yesterday? What did you do yesterday?
0:40 - 0:44
That's it. All we're interested in is what the guest got up to yesterday. Nothing more.
0:44 - 0:51
Day before yesterday, Max. Nope. The greatest and most interesting day of your life. Unless it was yesterday, we don't want to know about it.
0:52 - 1:01
I'm Max Rushden. And I'm David O'Doherty. Welcome to What Did You Do Yesterday? Hello, everybody.
1:01 - 1:06
Welcome to today's episode of Midweek Mayhem. From the people that bring you What Did You Do Yesterday?
1:06 - 1:13
The hit weekend podcast, asking people what they did yesterday. I'm Max Rushden, and this is David O'Doherty.
1:13 - 1:23
Hello, and welcome to Midweek Mayhem. From the people that bring whatever you said. I was going to thank you, but up for the whole episode, where I just kept repeating the thing that you said.
1:24 - 1:29
Sort of like an annoying thing you do at school. I really had persistence for doing that.
1:29 - 1:36
The Cambridge to Oxford X5 bus was a long journey. It went through every Bicester.
1:36 - 1:44
It went through everywhere. Bedford, Bicester, Milton Keynes. And I think I sat next to my friend John and just prodded him on the leg for the whole three and a half hours.
1:44 - 1:48
He was like, I bet you can't. I was like, I bet I can. I've got some bad news, David.
1:49 - 1:55
Oh, no. So Julian Potter's been in touch to say, Hi, Max. Bad news on the sponsorship front.
1:55 - 2:05
After checking on everything in showbiz, the first mention of Lululemon was June. Since then, with you guys promoting them unofficially, the share price has dropped 48%.
2:09 - 2:17
It's like one of those Black Thursday graphs or whatever it is. People walking out of Lululemon holding bags of pants.
2:17 - 2:23
That's just there. Yeah. Shit. And this was, you know, I've really been bigging them up a lot.
2:24 - 2:29
I used them as a keep the light out face mask. Versatile. Used them as underpants.
2:30 - 2:36
Yeah. On my holidays in France last week, I started to use them as swimming togs.
2:36 - 2:42
And? Let's just say don't dive in. Right. I understand. Unless you want a big reveal.
2:43 - 2:54
The Lululemon big reveal swimmers. A lot of people saw my Lululemons. Yeah. If you were, you know, a mid-range high diving duo in the Olympics, you know, so you're not China.
2:54 - 2:56
The Chinese are going to win, aren't they? Britain, we might be going for bronze.
2:57 - 3:05
Ireland. Yeah. Ireland. Okay. If you're the Irish diving team and you both went in Lululemons and as you entered the water, you know, twizzle, twizzle, twizzle, twizzle, tiny splash.
3:05 - 3:10
And then the Lululemons popped up into the air. And then you get out of the pool.
3:10 - 3:16
Starkers. I think you'd get good numbers. Hey, lots of love for the Alan Davies episode.
3:16 - 3:22
Dermot writes, Alan's saying lovely things about David's set at the Fringe. David annoyed that he didn't think he looked hot.
3:22 - 3:29
Us Irish, we cannot take compliments. In many ways, David, he went further than saying you didn't look hot, I thought.
3:30 - 3:35
Oh, dear. Yes. Thank you very much, Alan, for coming to this show. That was very nice.
3:35 - 3:39
And I should have just been happy that a legend of British comedy had come to my show.
3:40 - 3:47
But instead, yes, it did. It rankled a tiny bit. Every silver lining has a little turd in it.
3:47 - 3:58
But it's interesting that because it sort of goes full circle, because what he was saying was the way that you approached life was how Mary Beard explained the ancient Romans did, because there were no mirrors.
3:58 - 4:11
And so you are living your life in the beardy and ancient Roman way. Jim says, as a fellow on-pitch organiser, this regards Alan Davies being a sensible footballer and me talking too much,
4:12 - 4:21
is there anything worse than coming off the pitch at halftime and someone saying no one's talking out there and you're as hoarse as an Iceland lasagna circa 2013?
4:22 - 4:35
Nobody's talking. I do like he introduced something I'd never heard before, which is the person who's obviously not getting past the ball at all, just resorts to saying, or me, or me,
4:35 - 4:40
which implies the ball has been passed to someone else. And I would have been a great option.
4:41 - 4:47
Still here. Or me. Maybe next time. Now, we haven't recorded since the Sara Pascoe episode as well.
4:47 - 4:54
And lots of reaction to her dad's Ulysses. Mary said, I'd never wanted to read Ulysses more than I do after listening to this.
4:54 - 5:07
This is her dad's jazz odyssey, Ulysses, I don't know, million CD collection. Until this podcast began, David, I thought Ulysses was, you know, written by Euripides or something.
5:10 - 5:17
I really thought I was urbane until this all. We did big it up. I found it on Bandcamp.
5:18 - 5:28
I think it might be a cut down 16 hour version that you can buy on Bandcamp, but you can hear track one, which I think is an hour for free.
5:29 - 5:36
And it's beautiful. I think because you hear the word jazz, you're thinking like fire in a pet shop, sort of screaming sounds.
5:36 - 5:43
But it's really beautiful two instrument thing. Yeah. Check it out. I like that the cut down is six.
5:43 - 5:49
You know, when you like, you don't want to watch the full highlights of the Champions League game between Fenerbahce and Lille.
5:50 - 5:54
You can watch the three minute catch up. The three minute catch up version on Bandcamp is 16 hours.
5:54 - 6:01
My cousin Stuart bought it, David. And he likes it. Lynn said, brilliant episode. Loved hearing that Sara's dad has released a new album.
6:02 - 6:06
I have copies of his first four albums from the 70s. He's an amazing saxophonist.
6:06 - 6:17
Who knew? And Fresh and Minty says, Sara's dad's album reminds me so much of a time gone by in the 90s when there were adverts on daytime channel four for 16 CD bundles,
6:17 - 6:25
like complete compendium of country music, instrumental versions of every country song ever written. Phone this number now to order with a credit card.
6:26 - 6:30
The advert would always end with not available in the shops. And I'd always think I'm not surprised.
6:30 - 6:38
No one would buy it if it was in the shop. Poor Sara Pascoe. There's not been a single bit of feedback about her.
6:40 - 6:46
Her sax dad. But her dad's gone platinum. He's at number seven in the Billboard Hot 100.
6:47 - 6:57
He's cracked America, finally, Mr. Pascoe. It would be difficult if whatever, Radio 1 in the morning, if he did go to number one, because they would feel they have to play it.
6:57 - 7:04
Because they're probably only allowed three-minute chunks for the songs. So which bit they choose from the 16-hour cutdown.
7:04 - 7:16
Now, I think you, David, stirred up – I don't think it was me, but maybe it was – or maybe it was Alan Davies – stirred up another King Crimson-style angry hornet's nest of nerd replies,
7:16 - 7:22
writes Mars Bar, due to a Star Wars factual inaccuracy. Oh, dear. Worst. What am I, they get Omega?
7:22 - 7:31
Along the lines of this one from Adam. Hello. Jabba the Hutt doesn't play in the Cantina Band and doesn't appear inside the Mos Eisley Cantina.
7:32 - 7:37
He does confront Han in the landing bay outside, but there's no band there, and that's only in the special edition versions.
7:38 - 7:43
Unacceptable. I expect more rigorous fact-checking and journalistic standards if you are going to be the self-appointed centre of the universe.
7:45 - 7:54
That tune has been in my mind for years, that they play. Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do.
7:54 - 8:05
Which is funny that La Hot Jazz de Paris of 1920 is still – or rather was popular a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away.
8:05 - 8:12
Makes you think maybe Django Reinhardt wasn't such an innovator. He just had a flying saucer of some kind.
8:13 - 8:18
To the tip of the heart, I'm nervous to ask questions about Star Wars, but he sort of had a big toothbrush, didn't he?
8:18 - 8:25
Or was it like the first shisha? Was he the originates the shisha pipe? He's got Princess Leia in a bikini.
8:26 - 8:40
Yeah, in a ball and chain as well. Yes. But then, I mean, I'm not a super nerd at this stuff, but I know they inserted a little scene in one of the remastered Star Wars versions.
8:40 - 8:46
Like with Star Wars, didn't they put in a load of CGI when they re-released them in the early 2000s?
8:46 - 8:52
The Ewoks were better. The Ewoks moved better or something. Yeah, but the CGI looks so early 2000s.
8:52 - 9:03
I think Lucas then made another version in about 2015 that has a lot of that CGI taken out just because it looks like a Jennifer Lopez video waiting for tonight.
9:03 - 9:13
Whoa! That was a mistake, putting Lopez in, letting her sing the whole song. Kate says, I was listening to the preliminary caveats of your chat with Alan Davies.
9:13 - 9:19
You just mentioned small boats when the special government alarm went off. But you probably didn't have this, David, did you?
9:19 - 9:23
I was walking on the beach in Wichita and then everyone's phone just went, ah, ah.
9:24 - 9:30
For an awful moment, Kate says, I thought Farage had stayed a successful coup. That's how he announces it.
9:31 - 9:35
Ah, here's some nice feedback from Lizzie. The implication being that was some awful feedback.
9:37 - 9:40
I don't expect you to read this out. I just wanted to say a big thank you.
9:40 - 9:43
This is from Lizzie. To you and your joyous podcast for helping me get through a difficult time.
9:44 - 9:47
I'm currently slowly getting over a traumatic breakup with the man who I thought was the love of my life.
9:48 - 9:55
Had to stop my nightly ritual of falling asleep to episodes of The Pod that made me too sad because I used to imagine my own episode, which would be a glorious day,
9:55 - 9:59
spent by me and my now ex living in North Yorkshire. We talked about moving in years to come.
10:00 - 10:04
I soon resume my nightly listening. It's helped stop my thoughts spiraling during those dreaded long nights.
10:04 - 10:13
Later in the year, I'll be spending a solo few days in the North Yorkshire town we'd hoped to move to in a trip that was booked pre-split obviously that coincides with what would have been our anniversary.
10:14 - 10:20
It may well be a tough time. I'm already changing my episode to one of me having a glorious day there as a strong, single, independent woman.
10:20 - 10:28
I'm now looking forward to making this a reality when I get there. Thank you for making such a wonderful podcast and for keeping me company and keeping me laughing through this dark period.
10:28 - 10:36
I hope this hasn't been too depressing to read from Lizzie. Lizzie! Yeah, you could have said and then I shat myself or something just to be in keeping with the podcast.
10:36 - 10:51
No! No! This podcast can cover real awful things and what a shitty time. I think in situations like this, you're meant to say something positive, but I always think it's much better to say something,
10:51 - 10:57
not negative, but just like, oh, it's fucking so hard, Lizzie. Yeah. Just carry on.
10:57 - 11:03
Keep the old pandemic thing of just keep going. Oh God. Oh yeah, we love you, Lizzie.
11:03 - 11:11
Thank you for that. Dear Max, David and Mars bar. Though Max recognised Jamie's message during the midweek mayhem, number 36 is quite a good poem, actually.
11:11 - 11:17
He failed to acknowledge the beautiful simplicity of the traditional Japanese haiku that she had infiltrated into the podcast.
11:18 - 11:23
No doubt this was an effort on her part to add culture into the void she knew his day would otherwise be.
11:24 - 11:37
Presuming his dismissive tone was out of naivety rather than anything else. As Google summarises, a haiku is a short traditional Japanese poem composed of three lines with a 575 syllable structure and focus on nature or a specific moment in time.
11:37 - 11:41
With that in mind, I present Jamie's WhatsApp retrieved from the transcript of your own episode.
11:42 - 11:53
I would love for you to experience my life on these solo days. She evokes the crossing of cultural boundaries as the family have crossed hemispheres with the Japanese art form.
11:53 - 12:00
She shares the chaos of parenting, but using a medium reserved for the mindfulness in the moment, she expresses how it is a transient phase.
12:00 - 12:06
In a sense, she is saying everything is show business. Her art is just not pithy enough to register on Max's radar, I suppose.
12:07 - 12:15
Keep up the good work from Jake. That's a great spot, isn't it? It'd be funny if Jamie knows what's going on too and her next message is a perfect Petrarchan sonnet.
12:17 - 12:21
Iambic pentameter. And there's every message she sent me is a poem and I've never noticed.
12:21 - 12:33
She's like this idiot. I wonder if you, for a moment, would like to share with me these feelings I have.
12:33 - 12:38
This is amazing stuff, David. Julian writes, this is more criticism. Hi, gents. Love the pod.
12:38 - 12:42
Need to mention, I am furious at Max's ignorance regarding the final game in the iconic The Adventure Game.
12:43 - 12:49
The contestants were not up against a pot plant in the final game. They had entered the vortex and had to avoid stepping into it.
12:50 - 12:56
The pot plant in question was in fact an Aspidistra plant known as Uncle, who was the ruler of the planet Arrg.
12:57 - 13:01
The contestants were attempting to get back to Earth. A pedant such as yourself should surely know this.
13:01 - 13:05
On a side note, Uncle was operated by Kenny Baker of Star Wars R2-D2 fame.
13:05 - 13:10
It all comes back to the center of the universe. Thanks for your time. Everything is showbiz, Julian.
13:10 - 13:18
I apologize. Well, there is a problem though with any iconic quiz show of your childhood.
13:19 - 13:25
If you explain it, you do sound like an absolute maniac. You know, three, two, one.
13:25 - 13:32
What the hell was happening? A bin. A bin would come out. A hot lady at a bin would come out.
13:32 - 13:38
They had a meeting about that. The production meeting going on. So, David, do you think the bin is a good idea?
13:38 - 13:43
I think the bin. I think we go with the bin. And Ted, could you just do three, two, one backwards?
13:43 - 13:52
Three, two, one. Three, two, one. Yeah, I could do that. Wow. To the listeners, Max, down the Zoom, has just done the iconic three, two.
13:52 - 13:57
I mean, it's so much to explain here. Ted Rogers used to host three, two, one.
13:58 - 14:05
I have no recollection of the game. He said three, two, one. He would do a thing with his fingers that went three, two, one really quickly.
14:05 - 14:12
And it's quite clear to me in the same way that I painstakingly learned how to draw Garfield when I was about nine.
14:13 - 14:16
Max has learned how to do this. If they bring it back, you reckon I'll get that gig?
14:17 - 14:23
They'll give it Beckett. I'll Ranganathan. I've got no chance of getting the three, two, one reboot.
14:23 - 14:27
It's devastating. I'll watch it go. I could do that. Three, two, one. Look, I'll do it.
14:27 - 14:30
This is from John. I've just had a moment where two very separate worlds collide.
14:31 - 14:35
I was on hold with BOC as I needed to order some oxygen for work.
14:35 - 14:40
They're not great at answering the phone. So whilst I was waiting, I had the Midweek Mayhem episode on.
14:40 - 14:47
Strangely, the conversation turned to a very different BOC and the person on the call answered just as the idea for the live show came up on the podcast.
14:47 - 14:51
This absolutely broke me and all I could do was laugh down the phone and hang up.
14:51 - 14:57
However, my work mobile number is linked to our account with BOC and I've just received an email from them from the life of me.
14:57 - 15:01
I have no idea how to reply from John. What is this? The British Oxygen Council?
15:02 - 15:07
No, not the Bank of Cyprus was another one. No, Bank of Ceylon. Bank of Ceylon.
15:07 - 15:16
That's what it was. BOC Oxygen. It's Buy Oxygen Online. BOC Online. We've infiltrated that, haven't we?
15:17 - 15:29
The incredible revelation that the blue whale secretes 20 litres of C. I mean, is the idea that he was talking about at the live show that we get some blue whales in there and that's the big ending.
15:29 - 15:33
God, that would slow you down if you were an open water triathlete, wouldn't it?
15:36 - 15:49
You think in the same way that James Bond fires an oil slick at the back of his wagon, the blue whale that up until now has been breaking the waves quite nicely in front of you at some point to die of that.
15:49 - 15:56
Imagine that funeral. Imagine the speech. He died doing what he loved. Drowning in cum.
15:59 - 16:10
Doing the front crawl. Jackie from Kingscliff, New South Wales, Australia writes, Hello, Max, David, and Producer Mars Bar, I listened to your part on my afternoon dog walk.
16:10 - 16:15
I have to wait until I've exited my street and I'm doing laps of the sports oval before I press play.
16:15 - 16:22
At least my neighbours think I have lost my marbles because of the foolish grin painted on my face and random snorts of laughter as I listen.
16:22 - 16:28
Thank you. What I love hearing about the minutiae of people's lives, including your own, what brings me the greatest joy is how much you make each other laugh.
16:28 - 16:32
It's delightful. What is not delightful is the theme tune to They're Just Normal Countries.
16:33 - 16:44
I'm an English teacher and one of the novels I teach, the teenage male protagonist describes his rock band's horrendous wall of sound as music to shit by as it is so bad it makes him want to move his bowels.
16:44 - 16:51
While I always understood the intention of this quote, I didn't appreciate its accuracy until I heard the theme music to They're Just Normal Countries.
16:51 - 16:56
It literally makes me feel unwell. I have to turn the volume down or press jump forward 30 seconds.
16:56 - 17:02
I don't know whether it's the pitch, the pace or the fact that it sounds like the singer is being tortured, but I simply cannot listen.
17:02 - 17:06
Having said that, you're the highlight of my dog walking week. I really do hope you're all in it for life.
17:06 - 17:17
Everything is showbiz. Jackie, David, let's play They're Just Normal Countries. Here's the theme. I am the one and only.
17:19 - 17:29
What country could I be? I am the one and only. Where in the world could our listeners be?
17:32 - 17:38
Okay, welcome everybody to They're just normal countries. With apologies to Jackie. She probably missed this bit on the fast forward 30 seconds.
17:38 - 17:46
We have never asked Mars Bar because I did hear the Chesney Hawks one hit wonder song, the one and only.
17:47 - 17:53
And because now I'm so used to hearing this, I was like, oh, Chesney, slow it down a bit there.
17:55 - 18:01
Let's get a bit more of a tortured vibe into it. We'll ask Mars Bar one day where it came from.
18:01 - 18:10
The guesses so far, Madagascar, Namibia, Costa Rica, Uganda, North Korea, Guyana, the Northern Mariana side, Bhutan, sail away, sail away, sail away.
18:11 - 18:18
Brunei, Nepal, Eswatini, US Virgin Islands, Equatorial Guinea, San Marino, correct. Liechtenstein, Turkmenistan and the Seychelles.
18:19 - 18:25
If you remember it, Mars Bar at some point many months ago, there was a list of six countries that had just one listen.
18:26 - 18:33
We must be literally like missing the target. It's like playing battleships and we've just got every bit of water around the frigate.
18:34 - 18:42
Hey, David and Mars Bar, after listening to the John Robbins episode where he talked about doing crosswords in bed and it bringing him so much joy and also hearing that David and the Helen Copter solved them too,
18:42 - 18:50
I'd like to submit a cryptic clue for They're Just Normal Countries. I'm a cryptic crossword setter for the independent and a big fan of the pod.
18:50 - 18:56
After all the chat about how many years it would take to fill the notorious BOC, I had an idea for a clue regarding the potential aftermath.
18:57 - 19:11
Clue. Yeah. David O'Doherty nurses defunct pecker for. Can David solve it? Defunct pecker. So this is cryptic now.
19:11 - 19:20
Cryptic, yeah. It's cryptic, yeah. So this will be the moment where people wonder why there's never been a podcast where people try and solve cryptic crossword clues.
19:21 - 19:33
Defunct pecker implies we remove something from the pecker, the word pecker, two letters, to then make it fit the four space.
19:34 - 19:44
So we've therefore got, so is there a country that is contained within that? Even I can't bear this and I love quizzes going on for so long.
19:44 - 19:50
Trying to do it with my mind. Give me a clue. I know that's against your every fiber, but come on.
19:50 - 19:59
The clue is, the answer is dodo. It's a hidden word in David O'Doherty where the definition is defunct pecker, i.e. an extinct bird.
19:59 - 20:07
Oh, that's so good. During the 17th century, dodo's were endemic to the island of Mauritius, which is my answer for you today.
20:07 - 20:14
Keep up the great work. Tom, aka Raider. So, Mars Bar, Mauritius, is that one of the countries?
20:20 - 20:27
Are we huge in Mauritius, Mars Bar? I wouldn't say huge. At the time that we started this quiz, we had had eight listens.
20:27 - 20:35
Eight. But that's big enough. Eight. Wow. I've never been a crossword clue before. That'll stay with me now.
20:35 - 20:43
Wow. More of that now. At university, I was the sports editor of the paper and I said, can I do the crossword one day?
20:43 - 20:54
Hmm. One of my clues was oval-shaped food, anagram of geg, three letters. That really made me laugh.
20:54 - 20:58
But no one got it because one of the crosswords was the presenter of Turnabout and no one knew Rob Curling.
20:59 - 21:08
I wasn't asked back. I once did a crossword. I wrote a crossword for the Irish Times with my friend, wonderful singer, Lisa Hannigan.
21:08 - 21:17
And we love puns and we did an entire puns-based crossword. I didn't know it had to be kind of a mirror image.
21:17 - 21:21
Mine was all over the place. You know, like a crossword is always a mirror image.
21:21 - 21:25
Oh, well, we didn't bother with that. We just shoved a lot of words together.
21:25 - 21:34
But the Irish paper of record published it. I'm trying to think one of the good ones was war film where Keira Knightley sets out to make her printer work.
21:34 - 21:41
Oh, a toner. A toner-ment. Yeah. Oh, right. Okay, good. Yeah, I like that. I interviewed her for that movie.
21:41 - 21:47
I was wearing flip-flops. She found it a bit odd. Anyway, do you have a question for me?
21:48 - 21:54
Max, what time did you get up at yesterday? I'm guessing 5.48, but what time did you get up at yesterday?
21:55 - 22:03
Oh, I dream of 5.48 yesterday, David. At 4.40 a.m. Shit. I am summoned. I think at 4.40 a.m.
22:03 - 22:06
I'm in the day bed. We're back in London. We've been in Whitstable for the week.
22:06 - 22:13
We're back in London. It's dark. I'm on my own, which is great. Jamie is in bed, in mum and dad a bed with Willie Rushden.
22:14 - 22:21
Yeah. I'm so asleep that I can't hear Ian who's woken up. So, Jamie says, Max, Ian's awake.
22:22 - 22:27
Yeah. I'm bereft in sadness. I come into the room that we're in now, which is where Ian sleeps.
22:28 - 22:32
I get into his bed. He's not going back to sleep. So then you sort of play the horizontal hits.
22:32 - 22:36
Yeah. I don't play the horizontal. He plays the hits. So I'm saying, go back to sleep.
22:37 - 22:41
Please go back to sleep. He is like, I've got sand in my eye. I need a wet wipe.
22:41 - 22:44
He doesn't have sand in his eye. But I can't get him a wet wipe.
22:45 - 22:51
Then he wants a car. And in your mind, you're just like, you know, tonight I'm just going to set up the room so everything is there.
22:51 - 22:54
So when he goes, I want this, I'm just like, you know, Wallace and Gromit style, bing, bing, bing.
22:54 - 22:58
But you never do that because when they're tired at six o'clock, you're like, just get him to sleep.
22:58 - 23:04
Can't wait. Eventually I get my laptop because he is now, he's currently obsessed with trains.
23:04 - 23:13
It is incredibly cute, but there's 1% of me that's like, like, obviously I definitely want my children to just follow their heart and do whatever they want.
23:14 - 23:19
But train spotter's a tricky one, isn't it? Not that I care, but I just think just if you like football, life's easier for you.
23:19 - 23:23
It's just easier for you, isn't it? So I don't understand these videos he's watching.
23:24 - 23:32
It's shot on phones of trains coming out of tunnels. Some of them are hosted by, you know, very nice people who love trains.
23:32 - 23:37
And we'll go, this is a Mildmay line, 3714, if you want to add that one to your selection.
23:37 - 23:43
Yeah. He got a Southeastern train from Whitstable into London, Victoria. So, and it was a tube strike.
23:43 - 23:46
He was very excited that the tubes weren't running. So anyway, he wants to watch some Southeastern trains.
23:47 - 23:52
So we watched some Southeastern trains, but there's a train with one door. I don't know where this train with one door is.
23:52 - 23:55
He says, I want the one door. I'm like, none of them have one door.
23:55 - 24:01
They've all got two doors, but he wants the one door. So, okay. So we watch a lot of that.
24:01 - 24:06
Then we get onto the fastest train ever, which is the Maglev line, which is in China, which is sort of on magnets.
24:07 - 24:14
Oh yeah. It's quite interesting. I think, I don't know. Yeah. You know, I've got Stockholm syndrome now because it's not on the tracks.
24:15 - 24:22
So it can go in any weather and nothing ever affects it. And it goes so fast, but the line they've built is not long enough for it to reach top speed.
24:22 - 24:26
Really. By the time it stops, you have to start slowing down again, but it costs a lot.
24:26 - 24:34
The Maglev line. Does it? I think so. So we need more Maglevs. I thought it would cost nothing because, you know, magnets repel each other.
24:34 - 24:37
So I thought that was the basis of it, but I guess it doesn't cost nothing to build the railway.
24:38 - 24:42
That's why you weren't in charge of HS2, or maybe you were, but this will be, I budgeted it not.
24:43 - 24:52
Oh, actually, hang on a second. Hang on. It is fascinating to me, though, that kids usually come to trains through Thomas.
24:53 - 24:57
There might have been that. He had a Thomas phase and he likes building a train track, you know, that wouldn't.
24:57 - 25:02
But yeah, I feel if you were to introduce Thomas now, he'd be like, what is this bullshit?
25:02 - 25:07
Oh, no, I think he's still got time for Thomas, but he really now just loves the YouTube trains.
25:07 - 25:13
Anyway, he's got that on YouTube. I'm just lying flat, just with my eyes closed, thinking I'll be a good parent in a bit.
25:13 - 25:19
But he loves trains, so maybe I'm giving him what he wants. So this takes us from 4.40 to 6 o'clock.
25:19 - 25:23
Then Willie is up. I think Willie and Jamie have been up since 5 in the other room.
25:24 - 25:31
Wow. But we come together at 6. We go downstairs, we make a train track. The Waitrose delivery arrives at 6.30, so that's exciting.
25:31 - 25:37
Wow, early. Yeah, we go 6 till 7 because we'll definitely be awake, so why not? Get it in.
25:37 - 25:45
Fuck. They don't do bags, good for the environment, so there's three pallets. You have to run upstairs, unload them really quickly because the man's waiting at the bottom of the stairs.
25:46 - 25:48
Give him the pallets back, have a nice day. He goes off on his way.
25:48 - 26:02
The only time I've ever got groceries delivered was in the early COVID era where you weren't allowed to leave the house and then they just gave you the pallets because they didn't want you to put the COVID on them.
26:02 - 26:10
So maybe that's something you could have done, you could have, when they handed the pallets, just being like, we're all absolutely riddled with COVID at the moment, so I'm going on to these.
26:10 - 26:20
I didn't think of that. There is the danger of the substitutions. My friend Clive did get, we didn't have any all-butter croissants, so here's some multivitamin tablets, which doesn't feel like the right subject.
26:20 - 26:27
Anyway, I think we get everything we need. We just shove it all away. Jamie makes a bolognese because we're awake, so it's there.
26:28 - 26:35
So get something out of the way. Bolognese on the stove, 7 a.m. We go to Popham's for a coffee, get a long black, very happy.
26:35 - 26:40
Then we are meeting some friends of Jamie's, Maliki and Monica, Maliki, big listener to the podcast.
26:41 - 26:45
They have flown from New York for three days to come to our show, David.
26:45 - 26:50
What? What are they doing? My God. Surely come for a week. It better be good.
26:50 - 26:54
It's tonight. As for the tape, the live show is tonight. Yeah. We haven't done it yet.
26:54 - 26:58
Yeah. So they've flown from New York, but they can't make it because of the tube's truck now, but you know, it's okay.
26:58 - 27:01
Really? No, they are coming. No, they are coming. Get an Uber for them. Yeah.
27:02 - 27:05
Yeah, yeah. So that's nice. We're meeting them, but they don't have kids, so they're late.
27:05 - 27:13
So actually, they don't arrive, but I order a breakfast pita, fried eggs with sumac onions and whipped feta in a pita bread.
27:13 - 27:23
It's absolutely delicious. So interesting. I made that for my lunch yesterday, but with poached, I over poached some eggs so they weren't too runny.
27:23 - 27:31
Yeah, it was some sort of sriracha nut butter thing and yellow pepper and then grated a load of parmesan on top.
27:31 - 27:38
Oh, just into a hot pocket-y pita. Oh, classic. It's not my only pita of the day because I love a pita bread.
27:38 - 27:45
Pita the fool. That's my Mr. T. He could do that. Mr. T came on Soccer M during the glory years and in the ad breaks, he just threw snickers at the audience going,
27:46 - 27:49
like, pita the fool. I mean, he was everything you'd want Mr. T to be.
27:49 - 27:56
It was wonderful. It's like quarter past nine. This is great. We're really relaxed. I'm having a good time.
27:56 - 28:01
I'm eating now. I'm eating the crusts of Ian's banana bread. It's just a calm time.
28:01 - 28:06
I pick up my phone. I have a message from you that says I'm here on my own and I'm thinking, is this a cry for help from David?
28:06 - 28:11
And then I realize that we're not recording at 10 a.m. We're recording at 9.30 and it's 9.24.
28:12 - 28:19
And what Jamie loves the most is me just going, fuck, I've got to go and running out of a cafe when she's got two children, right?
28:20 - 28:23
So anyway, then I'm like, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun. This is like Waylon Jennings.
28:23 - 28:26
Wow, looks like you got yourself in a horrible little pickle, Max. There are line bikes everywhere.
28:26 - 28:30
So I'm scanning them and none of them are available except one's available, but it's only got one pedal.
28:30 - 28:37
It's like a nightmare. So then I'm like, listen, there's nothing I can do. I've got to run just under a mile to this seat that I'm in now.
28:37 - 28:47
Wow. So we're about four minutes, 10 seconds. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So it's 9.28. Yeah. By the time I fiddle with the line bikes, I message you going, I'll be there in 10.
28:47 - 28:54
Yeah. So I managed to get to the flat, have a wee, get a pint of water, turn the laptop on and I'm here.
28:55 - 29:04
Unbelievable. It was Helen Bauer. We can say that. We can. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I'd strung her along a bit and said that you were late due to childcare.
29:05 - 29:13
And then you appeared absolutely sweating and just glugging pints of water. What is this childcare?
29:14 - 29:22
But I've had new fiber internet and listeners won't really notice because Marsball's done some great editing on some of the podcasts in the last few weeks.
29:22 - 29:29
But it's amazing. Not only is it like, this is good, but when I send the files back, it goes beep, beep, beep, beep, beep.
29:29 - 29:46
Wow. Honestly, absolutely mind blown. The listeners will never know how much work Marsball had to do on the Alan Davies episode where you froze, I would say, 12 times, but always in quite a placid position on the Zoom.
29:47 - 29:51
So we presumed you were just having a lovely little moment. Just being a good listener.
29:52 - 30:00
Yeah. Yeah. It's an important part of interviewing anyone. I was just there. And then eventually, the worst thing about it is, is the audio stays for me, but I freeze.
30:00 - 30:04
So I can hear the conversation and I can hear then two people going, oh God, is he frozen again?
30:05 - 30:10
And I can hear that bit. You know, maybe when you die, you can still hear for like a minute, like a chicken.
30:10 - 30:16
Yeah. And you'll hear people go, I didn't really like him anyway. You're like, ah, I'm dead, but that's it.
30:16 - 30:27
It's like extreme Louis Theroux, you know, the thing where he just stares at you for a while and you fall to pieces and you start saying, you know, I've never loved my wife or whatever.
30:27 - 30:37
Maybe it began because Louis Theroux was just buffering for ages and then the whole thing crashed and then he got this amazing answer from an interviewee and he thought, this is what I do.
30:38 - 30:43
Theroux's buffering. Anyway, the family at home, it's 1130. We finish. Willie and Jay go upstairs for a nap.
30:44 - 30:49
Me and Ian are rebuilding the water plate on the terrace. It's missing a piece.
30:49 - 30:53
So we think, okay, well, we'll do that later. What's a water plate? Is it?
30:53 - 30:58
It's like a sort of blue plastic thing that's got like a little ramp. You put little boats in it.
30:59 - 31:06
I'd say it's like a tiny river rapids from a theme park, but you'd have to be a gerbil to enjoy it as a living thing.
31:07 - 31:12
But Ian enjoys it as a living thing, but he's using the things. But we can't fix it because without one piece, the water just goes all over the terrace.
31:13 - 31:18
Anyway, you remember you were very critical of me for asking a bike shop to look after my bike for a week.
31:18 - 31:26
Yes. But Janine just said she wanted some coffee. So me and Ian go to the other side of London Fields to, City Bikes.
31:27 - 31:33
I give her two bags of coffee. She's lovely and she gives Ian a bike tool.
31:33 - 31:41
You've probably got one. It's got little, it's like a metal thing about sort of five inches long with little holes in it and little spanners and things.
31:41 - 31:45
So he goes around just tapping bikes with it. He's over the moon with this.
31:45 - 31:50
She helps him pump up the tires. This is great. We go to Normal Park.
31:51 - 31:57
There's a little tunnel. I have a thermos of pasta for him. I feed him some pasta through a little hole and he eats the pasta.
31:57 - 32:01
We go on the bike to Spinner Park. We get on the roundabout. It's too fast.
32:02 - 32:04
It's too slow but we're having a good time. We go down the slide a lot.
32:04 - 32:13
He starts hurling a truck outside of the park and then putting his arm through the railings looking sad for passers-by to hand the car back.
32:13 - 32:23
Wow. This is extraordinary. There's enough here I would say for I think he's possibly going to be like Ismbar'd Kingdom Brunel.
32:23 - 32:31
You know as in like he's watching the trains. He's also trying to hack the minds of people by throwing his truck into the park.
32:31 - 32:39
He's got his little tool and by the way if this was a well-written piece of drama that tool is going to be very important.
32:40 - 32:44
Like later on you get a lot of tape or something like that and he pulls it out of his pocket.
32:45 - 32:52
I get back home I have another pitter lunch. This is a classic. Well Jamie has used up most of the hummus for herself and Willie.
32:52 - 32:56
It's Willie's hummus debut but he's enjoying it but he says there's another pot in the fridge but there isn't.
32:57 - 33:09
But it's okay because there's enough if you really scrape the pot there's enough. So I have hummus cucumber cherry tomatoes salad a few slices of Cornish quartz cheddar which is one of the greatest cheddars.
33:10 - 33:24
Wow. Let me say. Yeah. Willie chokes on a tomato but it's feeding babies is like the worst thing because they choke on everything but 99.9% the time they just choke and then they just sort of cough it out but you're just there standing next to them going oh
33:24 - 33:33
I've forgotten what to do again. I hang up the washing Jamie's bought some new clothes she shows them off to the three men in her life none of us give it the attention it deserves.
33:34 - 33:41
She puts on a nice sort of golden ennissed and picks up Willie and he vomits on it.
33:41 - 33:45
I mean I did say that was an occupational hazard that we could establish that might happen.
33:45 - 34:00
So now we're all together we're on the mild May line Ian's excited we're going from Hackney Central to Highbury Nisington we are going to the playground at Highbury Fields I take Willie for a nap walk half an hour loop around when I return Ian is in his underpants
34:00 - 34:16
at the splash pad he is befriended another kid called Jasper they're playing frisbee great it's quite nice they're sort of you know taking turns it's quite nice Jamie and I discussed a live show she wants to come but it's going to be tricky with childcare this is tonight
34:16 - 34:27
it's in a few hours now depends on bedtime I suggest it might be a bit stressful she wonders why I don't want her there she then posits that there might be no live show at all I've just booked the Hackney Empire so you and
34:27 - 34:45
me can have a takeaway and I just have a night off the kids yeah she's written three poems about this that she said to you we get the train home now I've got Willie in the carrier and
34:45 - 35:02
as we're walking out of Hackney Central a homeless man looks up at me with Willie in the carrier and Jamie pushing in in the pram and he just says roles reversed I like that and Jamie is incandescent I do a fair bit of parenting just this guy
35:02 - 35:16
who's just sitting there makes no reference to her whatsoever but just picks me out for some real praise being a modern dad yeah then she says I might just have a live show she's just gonna do a live show she's gonna do a live show now oh
35:16 - 35:37
this is what's gonna happen you're both gonna bankrupt yourselves by choosing more and more extravagant venues Jamie books initially Wembley Arena then Wembley Stadium it's just her and Maliki and Monica just eating hummus on stage for an hour she's just said I've booked the Britannia she's booked
35:37 - 35:46
Stoke City's ground to see how that goes I get home a clarinet has been delivered shit why well I'm playing it at the live show I think we can say this now
35:46 - 36:00
because the live show has happened I take it out I wet the read I play C major we're in business guys it's not the level of clarinet that I'm used to it's a buffet B12 it's a very entry level it's like the cannabis of clarinets it's a
36:00 - 36:20
gateway clarinet to the real serious clarinets yeah that I'm used to but anyway I play a note Jamie says stop doing that loud isn't it you can't like with a tin whistle say you know the little Irish traditional instrument you can play it really little bit at the
36:20 - 36:31
top but with a clarinet you just gotta blast it don't you pretty much it's very hard to be very quiet yeah we'll get to that Ian has a bit more of his pasta Willie is losing the will to live Jay feeds him I get him to sleep
36:31 - 36:42
Jay is going out for dinner with Malachi and Monica right she wants to skip doing Ian's bedtime right so how can we do that he's in a bit of a mood as she's sort of getting ready to go he demands that she does his bedtime I
36:42 - 36:54
take him upstairs we're reading a lovely book called the dinosaur next door but he just doesn't want me involved doesn't want me to read it we're chatting about life about things we're going to do when we get back to Melbourne it's nice I'm hoping that Jay
36:54 - 37:08
has gone out because I reckon I can get him down but she comes in it's all right he's exhausted he's asleep in one minute Jay's out for dinner wow I've got the rolling bolognese the infinity bolognese as we call it yeah but first David exercise I'm on a
37:08 - 37:23
new regime yeah I'm time poor but I'm on day seven of a sort of high performance regime you know the Instagram says just 15 minutes a day yeah and you will be Arnold Schwarzenegger of what though like just walking in a circle around your sitting no no no so
37:23 - 37:35
Luke is a personal trainer that I've had for many years I don't obviously use him very much now because I don't live in this country but he said right 15 minutes on the minute every minute the start of the minute you do five press-ups and ten
37:35 - 37:51
squats yeah okay so minute one you do that then you wait until minute two starts you do that 15 times I'm now up to day seven interruption yes you keep taking a break so you do five press-ups did you say and five squats and then you pant furiously yeah
37:51 - 38:05
interesting yeah so your your heart's going like whoop and then back down again so I'm now up to this is day seven was yesterday I've done seven days in a row which I'm I can't tell you how proud I am of myself and I'm up
38:05 - 38:23
to seven press-ups and 13 squats per minute oh you're doing it that way yeah that's murder a problem with this is you need a cement floor as opposed to floor boards I would imagine because it would sound crazy I'm on a carpet I'm on a carpet is there anyone
38:23 - 38:40
downstairs maybe I don't think either allowed things you're not jumping squats no squats you're just standing and squat all the way down and then stand up oh the squats I had in mind were remember on superstars oh a show thrust when you jump in and out no
38:40 - 38:53
no no I'm so I'll show you I'll show you yeah you're standing up straight and then you're just all the way down like a plie more than anything else a plie it's not a plie mate come on no I am sort of maybe I didn't show you
38:53 - 39:02
enough I didn't go far back enough do you go right down onto your heels no I can't go right down to my heels but you sort of go quite low and up yeah you know by minute eight you're like oh this is taking
39:02 - 39:14
it out of you great 15 is achievable so you sort of think okay so I'm interested seven days you know those instagrams they say after one day you'll be tired after seven days you'll notice a difference yeah after 28 days your wife will look at you in a
39:14 - 39:29
different way and after two years your muscles will explode with power so I'm interested to see where it gets me yeah I think diet is an issue well that'll come into play now I cook the bolognese mmm willie wakes up back up dummy in
39:29 - 39:42
pat on the back out it's a quick one that's good I cook the pasta drain the pasta I mix the pasta in the mince in the pan together I pour a massive bowl of it yeah willie wakes up again up dummy in pat on
39:42 - 39:57
the back he's out that's fine great I get the bolognese we've still got the issue where we can only watch tv on the giant projector so I'm watching England Serbia on the projector yeah 30 minutes into the game I've eaten two bowls of bolognese absolutely delicious you know I'm
39:57 - 40:06
not doing like a carb free you know I'm eating as many carbs I can yeah I love them I'm eating my bolognese I'm messaging my friends and I'm watching Serbia England it's nil nil after 30 minutes but
40:06 - 40:21
England are playing well willie wakes up willie is not going back to sleep so there's half an hour of me in a dark room with a very sad baby patting picking up singing lullabies etc etc I come down with two nil up halfway through yeah I
40:21 - 40:35
couldn't write rewind itvx annoyingly on the thing I pause it yeah I messaged Jamie and I'm reluctant to message Jamie she's out for dinner doesn't happen very much saying Jamie you probably need to get home why hang on what's the crisis here well he's got to
40:35 - 40:47
eat and she provides the food oh yeah we're trying to reduce those feeds overnight but we're not getting very far and then we're in this stone where where he just was in Whitstable he we think he was allergic to something because he had a massive
40:47 - 40:58
rash for a week but once we established it wasn't meningitis we're like he'll be fine yeah but he's free of that now and it was so light there in the room he was in and then we're going back to Australia in two weeks we're like oh we'll
40:58 - 41:09
just whatever gets you through and then you do that for about five years and then you're through it that's the tactic Jamie gets home she hasn't looked at her phone but I've sent Maliki a message he sent it to her he sends me a photo of her pre-message
41:09 - 41:19
she looks really happy post message where she's running out of the restaurant she's messaging going I can't wait to be able to just have a dessert at a restaurant I'm like fair enough I feel your pain but I'm also in a dark room holding a
41:19 - 41:36
screaming baby she takes Willie I go to downstairs and come for eat a slab of dairy milk but when you say slab are we talking the regular eight square no I'm saying David the lovely owner of this Airbnb left us a little hamper of like a
41:36 - 41:48
coffee and a kilo thing of dairy milk I don't eat a kilo but I eat not quite half but you know a good old chunk of this yeah you got to be squatting while you're eating that now yeah yeah so that is maybe undone the whole week's
41:48 - 42:02
work so far but it was really delicious at the time I watched the England game we're brilliant it's really odd that we're brilliant so I'm doing the pod script Jay comes downstairs Willie's asleep now in a bed which we're trying to move him away from a bed
42:02 - 42:15
but you know that's life he's in the bed we chat we have a sort of diary meeting chat about life football finishes do a bit more work 10 o'clock bang great I lie down I'm asleep within eight seconds and you know the key for us now
42:15 - 42:30
is did I get a good night's sleep ahead of the live show and the answer is up at 440 again so you're carrying this shit tonight mate I've never jumped in at this point before with this but you did leave out one small enjoyable the only thing I
42:30 - 42:48
know about your yesterday oh yeah is because we want to end the live show oh yes sorry sorry you're right with us playing dancing in the moonlight by top loader you want keys and Nish Kumar he's a wonderful guitarist he really is but we all needed
42:48 - 43:02
to make sure we were playing it and vaguely the same key now yeah I can shift keys around a bit but the nightmare was that you would just come in and D flash or something because a clarinet isn't built in a like a piano right yes
43:02 - 43:15
instruments so I had to play it so quietly so I didn't wake the kids up so it sounds so shit and you and Nish sound so amazing so I send this voice note to you and Mars bar going look is this the right note the
43:15 - 43:33
clarinet will sound better on the night and you both write back going basically this is the shittest thing I've ever heard in my life no it's it's wonderful it brings a sort of 1920s vibe to what is an up-tempo party song but
43:33 - 43:45
yeah we're gonna try it out have you got the clarinet there I've got the clarinet yeah yeah yeah come on yeah we go yeah I got I'll play the intro to the tune and you come in with the way slight delays work this isn't going to
43:45 - 43:51
sound as good to the listeners as it hopefully does to us but here we go here we go
43:59 - 44:04
go oh I was waiting for you to do the because you know the intro is to do it again
44:18 - 44:54
let's do it again do it again give me that note again chorus chorus this show is gonna be absolutely sensational
44:59 - 45:15
and listeners if you would like to get in touch with our podcast hang on can I just hang on this is from Jamie Max Willie is down shut up Willie's sleeping Max shut up shut up capital letters shut up the next message is coming in now typing
45:15 - 45:24
please don't say oh no please don't you've got those three dots going up and down oh shit it's my fault it says I'm gonna burn that fucking clarinet
45:31 - 45:45
I'm sure this happened to Sara Pascoe's dad when he was practicing the sax early on but look at him now finally do you want to guess the the excellent quiz guess the comedian and the footballer if you remember I was in Teddington what feels
45:45 - 46:01
like years ago I saw yeah putting up a poster for his show and then a few days later yeah a footballer walked past me and you get a guess so Mars Bar gets a guess Dave Kitson and Daniel Kitson no I mean it would be quite incredible but
46:01 - 46:21
yeah it could be related Mars Bar Stuart Lee and Jason Wilcox what a show that would be incorrect but thanks guys for playing if you'd like to get in touch with the podcast here's how to get in touch with the show you can email us at
46:21 - 46:43
what did you do yesterday pod at gmail.com follow us on Instagram at yesterday pod and please subscribe and leave a review if you liked it on your preferred podcast platform and if you didn't please don't please apologize to Jamie and your children our agent of chaos that
46:43 - 46:56
made you play the clarinet there so sorry about that no no no it just proves that I'm I might need to have the notes written down you guys are buskers but I I'm a classical musician so I read off sheet music do we have the sheet music for
46:56 - 47:11
dancing in the moonlight night mars bar oh fucking hell that's we've put so much strain on mars bar for this just we need a barista at the back of the stage who max could argue with about a specific sort of coffee many of my ideas
47:11 - 47:22
that was poo-pooed we need the sheet music I'm dancing in the moonlight oh my goodness hey I'll see you tonight David I'll see you tonight I'll talk to all of the listeners very soon