S3 EP11: Sara Pascoe

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Podcasts, there are millions of them. Some might say too many. I have one already.

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I don't have any because there are enough. Politics, business, sport, you name it. There's a podcast about it.

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And they all ask the big questions and cover the hot topics of the day.

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But nobody is covering the most important topic of all. Why is that? Are they scared?

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Too afraid of being censored by the man? Possibly, but not us. We're here to ask the only question that matters.

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We try and say it at the same time, Max. What did you do yesterday?

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What did you do yesterday? What did you do yesterday? That's it. All we're interested in is what the guest got up to yesterday.

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Nothing more. Day before yesterday, Max. Nope. The greatest and most interesting day of your life.

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Unless it was yesterday. We don't want to know about it. I'm Max Rushden. And I'm David O'Doherty.

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Welcome to What Did You Do Yesterday? Hello and welcome to today's episode of What Did You Do Yesterday?

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Once again, David O'Doherty is here. And we're talking to a great old friend of mine.

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Even once again, David O'Doherty is here. I knew that you were going to say something not self-deprecating, but just, yep.

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No, Sara Pascoe is our guest today. She is a friend of mine from the world of comedy.

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Yes. You will know her from various appearances on various things. She has her Weirdos Book Club podcast that she does with friend of the pod, Cariad Lloyd.

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It's Cariad, Sarah and Lord Percy of Dingbat. Those three on that podcast. She has hosted Sewing Bee on TV.

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She's on tour this winter doing her beautiful stand-up comedy. Max, should we find out what she did yesterday?

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Yeah. SaraPascoe.co.uk. No H. S-A-R-A Pascoe.co.uk. And this is what she did yesterday.

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Sara Pascoe, welcome to What Did You Do Yesterday? Thank you. Thanks so much for coming.

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It's been quite a fraught. It's not relevant for yesterday, but both you and I have had internet issues, which could mean the, you know, the relaxed nature of the podcast.

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We both could be het up. So we need David to provide some, you know, a very relaxed introduction to this episode.

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Yeah. We need to be mellowed out, don't we? Is there a greater smugness than when your computer is just working?

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It's like when you pass the driving test and you think that anyone who hasn't passed the driving test is an idiot.

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Sorry, you guys. Yeah. I haven't passed my driving test, so I don't know what that's like either.

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But I do know what it's like to always, I've never, ever been bibbed at the airport.

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When you go through those monitors, they've never gone off. I've never been a problem.

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I just sail through, belt on, jewellery jangling, gun in my pocket. No one cares.

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And you look at the other people going, you moron. Suckers. Yeah. You've got that shrapnel in your leg from Nam and you should have taken it out.

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Enjoy being touched up by a stranger. Sara Pascoe, what time did you wake up at yesterday?

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5.50, 8am. Oh, wow. I've got young children. You have my sympathies. Yeah, sometimes it's earlier than that.

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They are very chipper at that time in the morning. So they're sort of very smiley and like, why would you be asleep?

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It's morning, it's morning. You know, there's stuff to do. There's baby sharks to listen to.

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What age are they, Sarah? One and three. But the one-year-old is going to be two in October.

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So he's nearly two, really. Got it. Got it. And so which one comes in?

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Because I was woken this morning by my three-and-a-half-year-old, literally his face in my face.

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And I was still dreaming. And I was sort of confused. But then I remembered who that was.

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So who comes in? Well, yeah. So our three-year-old, Theodore, he comes in. And you're right.

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The first thing in the morning, he'll say something like, I like balloons. Caterpillars become butterflies.

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And I'm like, yeah. Or I need a toy, mummy. I just need one. Something like that.

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I like when Max's three-year-old just wakes him up with the words, dance party. Yeah.

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And then just starts immediately going for it. And my co-host has no option but to start dancing.

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It's really glorious. It's really glorious. I sang a song the other day because he hit his head.

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And to cheer him up, I just have to pick a song. And I started singing, my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard.

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Theodore thinks I made that song up because it's about milkshakes he really likes. And boys coming.

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The idea of boys coming to our garden for the milkshakes that I'm making, he thinks it's the funniest song he's ever heard.

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And I haven't told him. That's actually quite a successful American singer actually wrote that song.

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I'm sort of just writing it out because one day he'll find out it's not a Mummy original.

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Yeah. It's going to be the same with All About the Bass. It's going to be the same when you're singing, I just met you and this is crazy, but here's my number.

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Yeah. That's one that you give to plumbers. Oh, why do you give it to plumbers?

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You give it to people who you desperately want to go and fix your boiler and you give them your number.

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If you have any free time and you're in the area, could you please look at our immersion?

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I'm trying to think of more innocent readings of what are quite horny songs, Sarah.

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So when you're saying this is crazy, what's crazy is what's going on with my plumbing, but I've not specified.

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I've just said, this is crazy. It's coming through the ceiling. It's coming through the ceiling.

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It's sewage all over the floor. It's crazy. Call me. It's 5.58 and those two minutes, for some reason, psychologically, they're big two minutes.

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Because if you see it for me, if I see a six, even if I'm sad and tired, I'm like, that's fine, guys.

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You know, you've done your jobs here, but 5.58, you've let yourselves down. Yeah, even 13 minutes past six, I feel like that's reasonable.

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Some people do start their life at that time in the morning. But yeah, anything with a five or even a four, it's been so bright.

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That's the problem with summer. I used to like summer. Now summer is my enemy.

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You do say, look, it's dark. It's bedtime. And now Ian can open the blackout blind and look out and see people.

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I live in Australia normally, but we're right on London fields. And he can just see people in the park.

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I'm just not quick-witted enough to explain why they are not asleep. Like they're all going to bed.

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And he said, they're not going to sleep. They're playing football. I'm like, oh, shit.

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Yeah. And then you have to go outside in London fields and ring your bell.

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Go to bed, everyone. It's bedtime. And that goes down really well. It is really, I'm sorry, guys.

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You'll understand this in 20 years, but you must go to bed. Do me a favour.

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Please. If I can just step in here. So Sarah, a few weeks ago, we spoke to Guy Montgomery of New Zealand on this, who really made a big push for Lululemon boxer shorts.

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What? To the point where Max, a lot of our listeners think that me and Max are sponsored by Lululemon boxer shorts because we've mentioned them so many times.

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But I'm here at the Edinburgh Fringe where the curtains tend to be quite light and the windows tend to be quite large.

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So I've taken to sleeping with a pair of Lulus over my head. Oh, really?

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Yet another use for these incredible boxer shorts. Yeah, the elastic waistband blocks 80% of light coming in the eyes.

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Thank you, Lulu. You don't want to get some actual eye covers, David. Don't need them.

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I've got the Swiss army knife of undies. It does sound a little bit like you're sponsored by Lululemon and also like you don't know how to put pants on.

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Yeah, it's those two things. The trouble is we are sponsored by them, but in a sense that we have both given them quite a lot of money to buy pants.

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Yeah. They get a lot of airtime because we talk about the fact that right now you're talking to two people, I can guarantee, in Lululemon pants.

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I'm also in Lululemon shorts. Wow. We've got it the wrong way around. But the thing with Lululemon is that they are accused of being a cult and you two are just reinforcing that to me now

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that once you're in, it's dangerous. And also, David, I'm not saying I'm imagining you like this, but when you say you're wearing your pants on your head, I then assume you're completely naked.

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It's just eyes covered, everything else out for anyone looking through the window. I mean, if you want to know, obviously I removed the pants from my bod and popped them straight on the head.

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You know what I mean? That way you get, I feel, full usage out of the pants for a day.

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Yeah, of course. It's a cycle. It's the cycle of life. It's the cycle of life.

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From bum to head to washing machine. Okay, so 5.58. Set the scene for us. What are we, are we just lying in bed?

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Because I quite often just try and stay horizontal. It's not helping. I'm not going back to sleep, but there's just something about, can I be on the noise?

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And, you know, one of them might have gone to the toilet, whatever. I'm just trying to be horizontal for as long as I can.

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Yeah, we do try that. And also we use our phones. And so sometimes we can, if only one of them's woken up, we can pretend we're doing it so the other one can sleep.

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And then what we do then is we let them watch YouTube on our phones.

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Andrew Tate, Joe Rogan, what do we do here? Oh yeah, of course. I want them to grow up like proper men.

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I'm not going to have no cucks. My house. Thank goodness. Thank goodness for that.

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No soy boys around here. Thank you. Okay, so does this happen yesterday? No, didn't work yesterday.

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Okay, what happened? So the first thing I did, and I do this because we are sleep deprived, I check my Fitbit app to see how much sleep I've actually had.

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Because sometimes psychologically, if I get an 81, I tell myself, you're not really tired. You've had loads.

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Okay. It was good quality. So do you check yours, Max, ever? I don't have one.

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So what does an 81 mean? In my mind, it goes 81 hours. I'm going, I'd take that.

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81. So anything, if you have over eight hours sleep and it's good quality sleep in terms of your REM and your deep sleep, then you'll get a score in your 80s.

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And that's what you're aiming for. No, because we've just transferred Willie to the cot and I'm doing the settling.

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So I'm giving myself a 28 yesterday. That's what I'm giving myself. Yeah. How old's Willie?

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Seven months. Okay. Oh, tiny. Okay. So you've still got lots of night wake ups.

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I have heard that those wahoos or what are they called? Whatever those watchie things are called are immensely confused.

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If you do a gig because it thinks you're about to do a workout because your heart rate's gone up.

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And then over the course of an hour, you take six steps and just smoke starts to come out of it.

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And it's just like, I don't know anything. I give up. Yeah. So you go into fat burning mode and also you can tell how you feel about the gig because gigs where you feel very in control,

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you're obviously much calmer. So you sometimes really know, oh, they scared me tonight because your Fitbit's like, you went for a 90 minute run.

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You were like, oh yeah, never relaxed into that, did I? So yes, you're an 81.

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So you're basically, you've had eight hours sleep. Yeah. This is magical. Yes, I did have eight hours sleep.

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I'm bragging now to someone still in the past of babydom. Yes. So I felt really tired, but actually I looked at my Fitbit tracker and I told myself, you're absolutely fine.

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Okay. Stop being such a cuck. Yeah, exactly. You've had loads of sleep. So then we're up.

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There's some breakfast making. My kids have discovered Nutella. They think it's a breakfast food and then it makes them go bananas.

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Do you just give them spoons of Nutella? They stick their fingers in it, actually.

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I've got them some small jars and they sort of just finger it and then put it all over their faces.

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It's delightful. I brought Josie Long's children to a children's show the other morning here in Edinburgh and a man ate Nutella out of a nappy.

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Oh yeah, great. It was an interesting one because he told us, he asked the audience if, which was all children, this is not late night performance art.

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I hope we realize whether he should eat it. He was hungry and he found a nappy and people were strongly against him eating it.

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At the end, he said it was Nutella, but I'm not sure I've ever been in a room with that strong a vibe of people like screaming.

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It was like in a mega church in America where the Holy Spirit is about to descend.

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People are like arms in the air. No, Satan, no. But he did it. Catherine Ryan once had Violet, her eldest birthday, she did the thing and I blew my mind where you microwave in nappies,

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a Snickers, a Mars bar, a Bounty, all of the different chocolate bars, a picnic.

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And then what you do is the kids have to guess. So you've got loads of kids shoving their face in trying to guess which chocolate bar it is.

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And it's so wrong, isn't it, to watch it, but so brilliant. But you know, because restaurants do try to go beyond the plate, like a little cross section of a tree with a steak on it.

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Maybe that's the next step that everything will be served in a nappy. So, you know, like a sea bass with a sort of, you know, a tarragon jus.

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Would it taste the same if you ate it out of a size six Pampers?

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Yeah. I read something once that said that if you eat something off gold cutler, it tastes nicer, like soup.

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So it would be great to find out if it works the other way with something really sort of delicious.

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You don't really enjoy it out of a nappy. I found, because you know, kids grow out of their nappies, you end up quite often with a couple of packets sort of left over.

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They're very good for packing. If you ever want something like delicate or you're sending something, you can just shove a couple of nappies around it.

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But I always have to put a note in explaining, you know, these are clean and it's not very beautiful, but it really works.

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I just do like, just the idea of that master chef, you know, lady going, you know, Derek has cooked rack of lamb with a pea mint sorbet served in a Huggies size three nappy pant.

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Also, all of the dew would be soaked up by the nappies. So they'd be like, this needs gravy.

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I did put gravy on there, actually. They're just very, very absorbent. Okay, so what is it?

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601? Where are we at now? Oh no, we're downstairs. We're making breakfast. We're making breakfast.

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Theodore, my three-year-old, he goes to nursery on a Monday. So we're sort of getting ready for the school run and because, so we all go as a family.

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So everyone needs to be dressed is what I'm trying to say and that does take about an hour and a half.

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He's due at nursery at 8am. There's some breakfasting and mostly what it is is looking for socks and pants and trying to get the children dressed.

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How often do you say, could you just hold Albie for one second? I've just got to do X and it's sort of, you don't necessarily need to.

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You just want your other half to hold Albie for a bit. Well, Albie, there's no hold in Albie.

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I mean, they're both running around fighting. What the negotiation is, usually, we have a passive-aggressive sort of tennis where I'll be doing something and I'll see that my husband's on his phone and because he's Australian,

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actually, the morning is very exciting. That's when he gets all of his messages from Australia.

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But that doesn't stop me going, oh, are you on your phone here? Are you on your phone again?

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I'm doing everything in the hallway like that. And then, of course, what will happen is once he's helping someone put their shoes on, I check my phone, you know, having a scroll and he goes,

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oh, on your phone are you? Like that. Is there any attempt to, and I ask this to you both, do you ever coordinate the outfits?

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Do you ever be like, I'm going to make them into two little sailors today and we're all going to go out like we're on shore leave?

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They've both got matching hungry caterpillar outfits. Oh yeah. We've got some fancy dress so that they can dress up like the dog.

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I've got fancy dress, but no, not necessarily semen in public. No, we're very much like, are these pants clean?

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Yes. Are these shorts all right? Yeah. What do you think about this? They slept in this, but no one else will know.

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Come on. Exactly. That's sort of fine. Sarah, when you just said, I dress them as hungry caterpillars, I'm obviously imagining they're both like lying down like snakes and then have to go to nursery along the path in that kind of way.

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Yeah. We just sort of drag them on a lead. Yeah. Do you breakfast, Sarah, in this breakfasting period?

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I drink a lot of coffee. No, not really breakfast. I've got this struggle at the moment where I'm trying not to eat carbs all the time, but I don't eat meat or animal products.

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And so really all that leaves is bread. Which is nice. Bread is so delicious.

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I love bread, but I always tell myself, wait until you've eaten some protein before you have bread.

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And by 10am, I realise there is no protein and I just have some toast.

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But every day I think something else will occur to me. Something else will be invented.

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Yeah. Give us the coffee situation. There's just a pot on and you're just pouring it and pouring it.

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Yeah. We do a very strong cafeteria and then when we leave the house, we get another, what we call a proper coffee from a very expensive coffee shop.

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Good. That's perfect. And is that after drop off? Yes. We go, that's the, oh, we're down to only one child.

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Let's enjoy our freedom. Go to a coffee shop. I hear you. And is this, do you all get in the car for drop off or is it just a nice walk?

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Walk. We don't drive. My husband drives, but we don't have a car. We walk, we walk around.

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Got it. Okay. What coffee shop? Does one year old appreciate coffee? It's an opportunity for a little downtime.

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Maybe read an old caravanning magazine, something like that. Well, the delightful thing about being a child in North London is in the coffee shop, he gets a free biscuit and also he gets to do his favourite thing,

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which is go hot, hot, hot, hot, no touch, no touch. He loves us getting, he goes hot coffee, mummy coffee, hot coffee, hot, hot, and then he eats his biscuit.

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Oh, that's perfect. So drop off is good. We've lost one child. This is great news.

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We're down, you know, two on one. We're in the cafe. What's your coffee of choice in the cafe, please, Sarah?

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Slap white with an oat milk. Okay. It's a classic coffee. And is there a babyccino?

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No, they don't drink it, they just spill it. Yeah. Also, I mean, it's, my children are growing up so much more middle class than myself.

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The babyccino tips me over the edge. And I feel like just put me in private school and be done with it.

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Yeah. If you're going to get my babyccino. So we live in Melbourne, but we come to London for two months.

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So now Ian has his London toys and his Melbourne toys, his London house, like, you know, at three and a half and you're like, oh man, this is a killer.

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We've killed this guy. We should introduce Ian to my husband who's from Sydney because he had so many shoes, that's why he had to leave Australia.

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Now he's got his England shoes and his Sydney shoes and they're both much more shoes than anyone should have in any hemisphere.

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And I feel like Ian would understand. Question, do they put anything in a babyccino?

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Does it have like Calpol in it or something? Do they put a single shot?

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They put like Calpol grinds in and then That's absolutely what they should do, shouldn't they?

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Some Calpol, a little bit of vanilla essence, Nesquik, something like that. Take the edge off it.

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Yeah. Okay, great. We are now fully caffeinated. We've got a two versus one situation.

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What's the next thing? Well, yesterday, the bottom floor of our house were Airbnb-ing and so the Airbnb people left yesterday.

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So I was excited because I was going to get in there, see how much mess they'd left and then wash everything.

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Okay, now this is exciting. Are you going down to see what the mess is to see what review you give them or do you always give them a good review?

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Do you like meet them and say, look, I'll give you five stars, you give us five stars, that kind of thing?

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My husband likes doing the reviews of the people. I can't review anyone. It feels like bad karma.

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I don't like being reviewed as a comedian. Even if it is a technically good review, my response is, how dare you judge me?

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And so I don't review other people. I don't believe in it as a process.

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If there was a reason to warn somebody, oh, don't let this person stay in your house, they let fireworks off, perhaps then I would do with it, but it would have to be that extreme.

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They would have to shit on the carpet for me to think, I need to give them a four-star review.

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I love the idea of Sarah as a sort of literary person, just leaving this really stinging, beautifully written, a maudlin man.

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He lurched into the property, scanning it for places he could leave his sadness. Whoa, this is so grim.

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Yeah. Is it okay? Is the property okay? It's so much cleaner. I mean, they did amazing.

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They were French people, actually, so they kept themselves to themselves. There were five of them, so I thought there'd be a lot of mess.

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They stripped the beds. I don't know how they left it so clean, but I think one of them's dusted, like all of the shelves and stuff.

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It's so clean. Are you tempted to get them to rent your actual house out, so they'll leave and clean it?

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Yeah, we'll pay you if you ever need another holiday. They even took the bin out, and I don't even leave instructions for that, because I think, obviously, I'll do all the rubbish for you,

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and they took it out and put it in the right bin. What's the worst thing that anyone has ever done?

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We've been very lucky. No one's done anything bad, but it's made me realise when I've stayed in Airbnbs, I have never done things like strip the beds or tidied up after myself.

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I think I just go, well, you pay a cleaning fee, bye, like that. Yeah, I like to really be too, I don't know what it is, too thoughtful.

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You can't say you are that, but I'm thinking, because I'm Airbnb flat here, and I'm like, oh, if everyone says anything, I'm like, oh, shit.

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But if I'm a guest, I'm like, oh, God, we can't touch anything, don't do that.

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And there was one in America where we had a cold fire, so you're like, oh, I'm going to light this, but the hatch wasn't down, so within three minutes, the whole house was just full of smoke.

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So instead of enjoying Portland, I just spent all day opening windows and just fanning the place so that by the time we left, it didn't smell of smoke, and then

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just fearing the review, and they were totally fine. But from the other's perspective, they would be worried, oh, I didn't put clear enough instructions about how to do the fire,

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because that's the trouble with the reviewings, it can be really vindictive, people are sort of attacking as a form of defence.

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It's a dangerous game. I do like the idea that if you ran a restaurant, every review would say something, and you could just write, how dare you judge me.

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Very tasty, how dare you judge me. Okay, great. We've got the Airbnb sorted, and will the clean-up happen immediately, or will you leave that for a while?

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I was excited to do it, and so what I've been doing is washing things, and then obviously trying to dry them, and then getting everything ready downstairs.

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But my husband, he moved his desk downstairs, because the room where the baby sleeps used to be his office, and he's decided he's going to use the bedroom downstairs, so that was exciting,

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we moved a desk down. Are you ending the Airbnb-ing for a while then? We haven't got a booking until Christmas, and so we could leave the desk in the bedroom,

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and he could just move his pens and his laptop out if we got another one.

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You could also, he'll be able to leave reviews of you, and you in turn will now be able to respond to him, and he will also pay a market rate for the use of the room too.

23:26 - 23:32

You're going to send him a bill, and I think this is going to be really helpful.

23:32 - 23:38

Some people go to relationship counselling, don't they? But are we going to use Airbnb reviews?

23:40 - 23:46

Does anybody ever come in and go, aren't you Sara Pascoe? That's a bit weird, I'm in your house.

23:46 - 23:53

I don't meet them actually, but Steen was saying, you shouldn't even have a picture on Airbnb in case someone recognises you.

23:53 - 23:58

My level of success is not the kind where anyone would be anything other than I think I know you from somewhere.

23:58 - 24:02

But the picture I've used very cleverly on Airbnb is when I met Buzz Aldrin.

24:02 - 24:10

So they're much more likely to go, that's Buzz Aldrin, than to go, that's that girl who did mock the week.

24:13 - 24:20

I haven't changed anything. There's like photos of me and Jay all over the place, literally little Polaroid photos everywhere.

24:21 - 24:25

And obviously nothing except once someone directed me on my Instagram going, I'm in your house.

24:25 - 24:36

And then you're like, that is actually quite weird. But obviously you are. Patrick Kielty tells the story about Buzz Aldrin, that he was on some weird corporate with Buzz Aldrin.

24:37 - 24:42

They got to the hotel and I think one of the rooms was ready and the guy was like, I'll just show you one of the rooms to show you what you're like.

24:42 - 24:48

And it had a view of a lake. And they walk in and the guy running up the hotel doesn't know who Buzz Aldrin is.

24:48 - 24:56

He just goes, have you ever seen a view like it? That's good. And how did Buzz Aldrin take it?

24:57 - 25:07

He didn't take it as another person claiming it wasn't real. My all-time favourite Buzz bit is Buzz punching a moon landing denier.

25:07 - 25:14

Yeah, that happened quite shortly before we met him on this radio show, actually. Was he nice?

25:14 - 25:21

He was very nice. He was very funny. My two favourite things, number one, he brought a date, so it was a BBC Radio 4 show.

25:21 - 25:25

He brought a woman he'd never met, so she had to watch him on the radio.

25:25 - 25:29

And then we all went for drinks, you know, in that radio way, like, she'll go for a beer afterwards.

25:29 - 25:34

And this woman was like, hello, nice to meet you. She went, oh, it's my first date with Buzz, but Buzz was still like...

25:34 - 25:38

He's Buzz on the apps. How weird have you just scrolled through and told Buzz Aldrin?

25:39 - 25:45

Yeah, he's on radio, you know, the celebrity one. That's really good. And were you tempted to not ask Buzz anything about the moon?

25:45 - 25:51

Yeah. Would that have been not appropriate for what he was there for? I think he knows that's the big story.

25:51 - 26:00

He did talk about it, because he was supposed to be the person who gave the speech, you know, Neil Armstrong, and it was taken away from Buzz because of his political views,

26:00 - 26:08

I believe, his very right wing, so they were a little bit worried. And also, he made the moon part of his Masonic Lodge.

26:08 - 26:18

Did you know this? That he put a flag down on the moon, like claimed it for his Masonic Lodge, so I do understand why they were worried about what he might say.

26:18 - 26:23

Imagine if he goose stepped, like the first steps on the moon, going full Hitler.

26:24 - 26:32

The photo that I've got on my Airbnb, so it's Jimmy Carr and some other people from the radio, and Buzz Aldrin, and as they were taking the photo, Jimmy Carr,

26:32 - 26:37

who I'd never met before, leaned into my ear and he said, touch him, he's been on the moon.

26:37 - 26:42

So I put my hand on Buzz Aldrin. Touch him, he's been on the moon.

26:44 - 26:48

OK, so we tied in the Airbnb. Yeah, we tied in the Airbnb. OK, right.

26:48 - 26:58

We've taken the kids to school, we've moved a desk, we've taken some bins out, and then got a text from David O'Doherty saying, in capital letters, remember everything.

26:58 - 27:08

I just think it's good advice for a life, regardless of whether Sarah is doing this podcast or not, I send that to her every day, just I think, as we get older.

27:08 - 27:15

It helps me be present, it helps me live in the moment, remembering that today will also be a memory.

27:16 - 27:23

What bin day is it? Is it bin day today? No, no, no, no. Bin day is Thursday, but you've still got to get them out when they're full.

27:23 - 27:25

You're not wrong, but you don't want to leave it on the street for too long.

27:25 - 27:30

The neighbours will be going, oh, God, the pass goes. Not in the streets. There's a bin area in the front garden.

27:30 - 27:36

Don't make presumptions about the bin situation. Of course, I was just worried about what the neighbours might think.

27:36 - 27:42

Hang on, are both the kids at Nurse or just one? No, just one. Is he with you while you're doing the cleaning?

27:42 - 27:47

Yes, he's jumping on the bed. There's a game that my children play. I don't know where it came from.

27:47 - 27:57

Of course, I love it deeply. It's called Dancing Ladies. Dancing Ladies is about jumping on the bed and having the hoover on for some reason.

27:57 - 28:02

And what the lady does, she jumps on the bed and she yells Dancing Ladies, Dancing Ladies.

28:02 - 28:06

And then she jumps off, she turns the hoover off and she says Dancing Lady needs to sleep.

28:06 - 28:15

And then she lies down and when she wants to dance again, she gets up, she puts the hoover on, which is the music she's dancing to, and then she jumps on the bed again.

28:15 - 28:19

For some reason, it's so hysterical for them, or even if Albie's playing by himself.

28:19 - 28:31

It's a variation on musical chairs, really. But maybe that's what your children regard music to be, just the sound of a shark hoover going, oh.

28:31 - 28:34

I was going to talk to you about music, David, this is a good segue.

28:35 - 28:41

But yes, essentially, I think because they've listened to so much white noise, maybe the hoover does feel like, you know, that's their drum and bass.

28:41 - 28:50

Melody, yeah. The other morning, it was a get-together of all of the Irish participants at the Edinburgh Fringe.

28:50 - 28:55

We went to an Irish bar, you know, there'd be people you hadn't seen, there's proper actors doing proper shows.

28:56 - 29:06

And we went to a bar that had Murphy's Guinness and Beamish on draft and unbeknownst to me, I mean, there's a phrase that's used in Irish politics.

29:06 - 29:11

Apparently, a politician once came into parliament drunk and he claimed to have been cruelly over-served.

29:12 - 29:20

And I claim a little bit of that. But the next morning, I had to go and see my friend Ellie's show.

29:20 - 29:28

And Ellie comes from a performance art background and the idea of her show, which was for grown-ups, was it was like a children's party for grown-ups.

29:28 - 29:39

And I realised the number one thing I didn't want to be doing hung over at 11.30 in the morning was playing musical chairs with some people I didn't know and then

29:39 - 29:45

having to sit instead of chairs on performance artists who were down in their hunkers.

29:45 - 29:50

There's a time and a place for everything and that was not the dream spot.

29:50 - 29:55

Love the show, Ellie, but just not then. But however, Dancing Ladies, you love it.

29:55 - 30:00

Yeah, and also you're in control. So you'd have had a lovely nap probably in Dancing Ladies.

30:00 - 30:06

The Dancing Lady would have needed a big rest before jumping on the bed. Do we have a Dyson or a Henry?

30:07 - 30:15

It's a massive Henry. And actually we have a cleaner called Barbara who comes once a week and she hates that I've bought a Henry and she thinks it's shit because there's no settings on it.

30:15 - 30:19

And so she's annoyed with me. She wants me to get another Miele because that's the best one.

30:19 - 30:23

And to be fair, she uses it most, but it's an ongoing tension. But I wanted

30:25 - 30:28

David and I have something in common, which is that we both have jazz dads.

30:29 - 30:33

Max, I don't know if you have a jazz dad. No, tropical medicine, mainly. Okay, okay.

30:33 - 30:44

With a bit of jazz on the side. So my dad, and I love this because it couldn't be more jazz, but my dad recently released a new album on DVD.

30:45 - 30:51

No, not DVD, CD. They love that. It's 18 CDs. It's a saxophonist and a pianist.

30:52 - 30:59

He's the saxophonist. So it's the two men and they've done an 18 CD box set of Ulysses, James Joyce's Ulysses.

31:00 - 31:04

And I'm so obsessed with it because in this day and age, we're all worrying about AI.

31:04 - 31:13

There couldn't be something more opposite than a CD collection of jazz inspired by James Joyce's Ulysses.

31:13 - 31:20

And I started trying to listen to it yesterday, but I find even the beginning, just the sound of a solo saxophone so hard I have to turn it off.

31:21 - 31:25

How long in total? I mean, I know Ulysses is long, but how long? 26 hours.

31:26 - 31:32

I actually think what I'm going to do now for the rest of my life, you know, like they did, my dad wrote a porno where they read a bit of it and they did jokes.

31:33 - 31:38

I'm going to do a podcast series for the rest of my life where I listen to a little bit and talk about jazz, I think.

31:38 - 31:44

I like the idea that even if you'd started at midnight yesterday, you wouldn't have been able to get through the whole thing for this.

31:44 - 31:47

Sorry, I'm going to be two hours late. I'm listening to my dad's album, yeah.

31:48 - 32:00

I love everything about jazz and I think I would like to listen to it, but I also, like in an era of commercial, you know what I mean, people making songs shorter and

32:00 - 32:07

snappier. I love that people put out 26 hours also on a sort of semi-dead format as well.

32:07 - 32:12

Yeah, I'm going to have to buy a CD player. Yeah. My computer doesn't even know what a CD is.

32:12 - 32:22

I've downloaded it off Bandcamp. I bought it because my dad sent me a free one because it's lovely and I really want to be encouraging because I've got that, even though I'm in my 40s, I've still got a sort of a child.

32:22 - 32:26

No one really supports me. No one came to see my show. No one asked how my thing went.

32:26 - 32:32

And I realised I'm never supportive of my dad ever, so I want to be supportive now, but I am going to have to buy a CD player.

32:32 - 32:37

Yeah, I mean, you can't accuse him of going commercial. You can't say. He's sold out.

32:37 - 32:44

I would love if I told my dad about that and he just rolled his eyes and he's like, why didn't they do Finnegan's Wake?

32:45 - 32:50

You know what I mean? Ulysses is such hack to do a 26 hour saxophone piece about.

32:50 - 32:58

I think Finnegan's Wake is where they're heading, if I'm honest, David. Because he started off, this is his first CD, or the first one that I've got from a couple of years ago, and

32:58 - 33:05

that's Under Milkwood by Dylan Thomas. So I'm pretty sure it is going to go Finnegan's Wake is next.

33:06 - 33:17

Tell your dad, don't worry. I don't know if you've asked him about the process and obviously I'm the least qualified to talk about jazz, although I did perform the shoehorn blues on the clarinet in assembly when I was nine once.

33:17 - 33:23

Wow, well done. I'm down a storm. I'd say it really brought in the deep south, those solos you were playing.

33:24 - 33:34

It really did. history of struggle really came across. And the eight-year-olds in that private school in central Cambridge, they really understood it because of where they'd come from as well.

33:34 - 33:39

But have you asked him about the process? How do you put Ulysses to jazz?

33:40 - 33:44

Oh, God, Max. The first stage, I believe, is that you have to have read Ulysses.

33:44 - 33:49

Right. I've heard James Joyce. And I started it. I bought it because I thought, how can I understand the music?

33:49 - 33:55

So I've read the first two pages now of Ulysses. So I read over the weekend, not yesterday, not relevant to yesterday.

33:55 - 34:03

Didn't read any of it yesterday. Okay, great. I was always under the impression that it was a bit more like Finnegan's Wake, that it was sort of difficult to read.

34:03 - 34:06

But you can read it. It's a book. It's grand. It's absolutely grand. They're doing stuff.

34:06 - 34:14

Yeah, yeah, it's grand. So you could, I tell you what, to make it more commercial, you could jazz up the theme to the cartoon Ulysses, which I remember, of course.

34:14 - 34:21

Oh, my God. Ulysses. Data through the galaxies. That bit. Maybe that comes in in CD6.

34:21 - 34:28

I don't know. Or maybe that's a sort of a motif throughout it that only fans of the cartoon Ulysses would recognise.

34:28 - 34:34

Before we move on with the day, little jazz corner here. My father did a concert a few weeks ago.

34:34 - 34:49

He's 86. Brilliant. And he did a tribute to Nat King Cole concert in Dublin that involved him reminiscing in one of the talkie bits about when Nat King Cole played in Dublin in 1956 or something.

34:49 - 34:54

And Dad talked about being there. And he said, was anyone else at the show?

34:54 - 35:04

Because the crowd is older and no one put up their hand. And my dad shook his head and was like, you young people, you've no idea what you've missed out on.

35:04 - 35:16

And everyone is in their 80s apart from me. Thank you. Okay. What next? So next, I called up LNER about a train refund.

35:17 - 35:24

Right. Okay. Give us the details now. I'm leaning forward. So on the 4th of August, I was due to go to Inverness for a job.

35:25 - 35:29

And there was a storm in Scotland. David, you'll remember. Max, I don't know, but there was a big storm.

35:30 - 35:34

And so the train was cancelled the night before. And I couldn't get to Edinburgh.

35:34 - 35:42

So then I couldn't get to Inverness. Eventually, the job was postponed until September. But they never refunded me for my train.

35:42 - 35:46

And I got all these emails about how they were going to give me a token and I don't want a token.

35:46 - 35:50

I rang up to say, where's my refund? Like that. And then I had a look.

35:50 - 35:53

Well, hang on. How long are you on hold to LNER? How quick can you get through?

35:53 - 35:56

It was actually right for a Monday morning. I thought it was going to be a nightmare.

35:56 - 35:59

I was quick. Let's say the calls picked up within two minutes. Wow, that's good.

35:59 - 36:08

So I was winning already. And then lovely, helpful person, 383 to answer your question, David, because it was for me and our nanny and the two kids.

36:08 - 36:15

Because I was going to drop the kids off with Steen in Edinburgh, she's performing, and then I was going to go across to Inverness, 383.

36:15 - 36:22

And the person explained to me I had been refunded back to where I'd bought it from and I checked and yes, I had.

36:22 - 36:30

So it was a waste of a call. Oh no, that's so annoying because the money's, you've penciled in, you've got 400 more quid in your account.

36:30 - 36:33

That's it. I was about to be going, oh, hello, mummy can get some trousers.

36:33 - 36:37

Yeah, I had been refunded. It was just a different bank account where I'd actually bought it.

36:37 - 36:50

But at least I could cross it off my list. Something done. Did you come at them with a, now you listen to me, I've been a loyal customer for longer than you've had hot meals.

36:50 - 36:57

And then they utterly undermined you by saying it has been done, madam. Luckily, I'm always civil and polite to people.

36:58 - 37:02

So while I was like, what's happened with this thing? I'm chasing it up. You seem to have made a mistake.

37:02 - 37:05

I was very happy that they hadn't made a mistake. And I hadn't been rude.

37:05 - 37:09

It was just more, oh, thank you so much for clarifying. Sorry to have wasted your time.

37:10 - 37:21

I had six months of, for some reason, somebody asked me to sign like hundreds of like sports cards, right?

37:21 - 37:26

Like football cards. And like Messi's done it. There's like a gold Messi card and Ronaldo, whatever.

37:26 - 37:30

I suspect they got paid more than me. But I was offered not an insubstantial amount of money.

37:31 - 37:38

The poor bastard who opens the packet and it's me. It's absolutely definitely. And in fact, all the shows they said I did, I've lost all those jobs.

37:40 - 37:45

You're signing footballers that aren't you? No, no, no, no, no. This picture of me grinning, I had to sign like 400.

37:45 - 37:50

It took forever. It was all exhausting. So someone's going to get 400 pictures of you that you've signed.

37:50 - 37:56

Hopefully they split them across packets. Is it a collectible sticker of Max Rushden? Yeah, there's like a trading card.

37:56 - 37:59

It's like there is a... I'm going on eBay to see if I can find him.

38:00 - 38:04

I will stay there. So anyway, they never sent me an email going, we've paid you.

38:05 - 38:13

So I kept saying have you paid me for a long time. And then about six months later, they were like, you know, I just couldn't get into that bit of my banking because it was on a UK phone.

38:13 - 38:21

Oh yeah, how are we going Sarah? This isn't embarrassing at all. So the bidding starting at $14, which is about £10.

38:22 - 38:27

Yeah, that's pretty good. That's from Gavin Fitness, who by the way has got 100% positive rating.

38:27 - 38:39

Good old Gavin Fitness. Gavin Fitness. It's your face and then you've signed it, blue pen, broadcaster, you have a journey with an autograph from 22, 23, famous footballers and stars.

38:40 - 38:48

Gavin Fitness is one of Max's aliases. It's one of his least imaginative aliases. It's such a toast of London name.

38:48 - 38:55

Presenter of Soccer AM, the warm-up on TalkSport, the Cambridge native secured his foot. I'm learning a lot about you from this card.

38:55 - 39:02

I might buy it as a memory from today because I want to remember everything, including everything.

39:02 - 39:06

If you know nothing else, you know that Gavin Fitness will come good with the card.

39:06 - 39:13

Hang on, here's a mystery. Shipping is going to cost me £9 because it's located in Shanghai, China.

39:15 - 39:21

Did you get there? There's more. I found one for £41.24. The same pack. £40?

39:22 - 39:33

Oh, but Ronaldino is going for £3,000. This is a fun game. I think £41 is your most expensive.

39:33 - 39:42

It's pretty good. It's really good. It's not bad at all. Anyway, I did spend a long time on an email chain when I had been paid, so apologies to them.

39:42 - 39:48

That was the link. But you do, being self-employed, you do just have a little ticker in your head sometimes again, oh, that's got to come in.

39:48 - 39:54

Or, oh, great, okay, you're finally, oh, I forgot about that. You know, anyway, we can cross it off the things to do list.

39:54 - 40:01

And I did it yesterday. Perfect. What next? Is it lunchtime? No, I went to exercise, actually.

40:02 - 40:07

Great. I went to a bar class, and I did think as I went, I'm going to have to talk to them about this tomorrow.

40:08 - 40:13

So is that like bar pilates? Helen, my Helen does something called bar pilates sometimes.

40:14 - 40:20

Yes, so bar pilates, that's, I guess, a sort of mega mix between two conditioning forms of exercise.

40:21 - 40:29

This bar was more classical bar in that it is ballet moves. And as you can imagine, it's very focused, and it looks like nothing, and it really hurts.

40:29 - 40:36

It really hurts me. Do you ballet it up? Do you wear those little ribbed up boots, tutu?

40:36 - 40:42

No, bare feet and leggings. People, if you wore a tutu, people would be expecting a level of professionalism.

40:43 - 40:48

They would think you were taking, like, going to teach the class. I bet bar pilates is good as well.

40:48 - 40:57

What hurts afterwards? Very small muscles in your thighs or in your glutes because you're working muscles that you don't use the rest of the time.

40:58 - 41:05

Great. Where's the kid? Where's the kid? I have a husband who the kid is with.

41:05 - 41:08

The kid is with the husband. That's good. Okay, good. Do you know the teacher?

41:08 - 41:15

Are you a first name terms? No, I don't usually go to bar class, but it was the only thing at that time which still had space in it.

41:16 - 41:20

And then I thought, oh, I'm going to have to talk to the ulds about this tomorrow, but I don't bar class.

41:19 - 41:33

usually go to at all times. And then it's more like what you're doing is the positioning of your feet that you would have in ballet, which is like first and fifth and first and fifth with your arms.

41:33 - 41:39

And then you hold three kilogram weights in your arms and you do moves over and over again in very slightly different positions.

41:39 - 41:47

So you're sort of really working those muscles and then lots of, I guess, core strengthening, but that would be on your hands and knees.

41:48 - 41:54

You know when you hover your knees a little bit off the ground, but you do that for ages and then move in your arms and your legs and with weights.

41:55 - 42:01

Right. Sounds like agony. I'll tell you what I did, yes, I went to a bar class as well where I lifted a few weights, if you know what I mean.

42:01 - 42:12

I drank those weights. You sat on a human being as you chair. Do you think your decision to do this was influenced by the fact that you were doing this podcast today?

42:13 - 42:16

No, I've been working a lot at the moment. I've got a job that's abroad.

42:16 - 42:20

And so if I'm here, my husband and I, we try and exercise once a day.

42:20 - 42:24

That's our free time out of the house really. Are you in Death in Paradise?

42:24 - 42:29

Are you the new detective? New detective. I'd love to be the new detective on Death in Paradise.

42:29 - 42:33

Is there a new detective? I want that job so much. I want to be in Death in Paradise.

42:33 - 42:40

I think I could do it. Surely you don't think I'm, I know he had gambling debts, but surely you don't think I'm capable of murder.

42:40 - 42:46

Yeah, exactly. Let me step in. I know a detective, Ardoi Hanlon. Ardoi Hanlon, yeah.

42:46 - 42:54

Oh God. Someone I will not reveal. He didn't enjoy it. No, it takes a long time because there's many, many episodes.

42:54 - 42:58

It's not something you dip in and out of like a regular acting gig. But you're in Guadeloupe.

42:58 - 43:03

You're in Guadeloupe. In the winter though, aren't you? And it's not always that pleasant.

43:03 - 43:10

classic male comedian, middle-aged male comedian. Yeah, I was in Guadeloupe in the wintertime. This is absolute classics.

43:11 - 43:16

They complain about anything. Oh, this gig only pays six grand. I got six grand for it five years ago.

43:16 - 43:23

It hasn't even gone up. So actually, maybe because I spoke to Angus Dayton, he was like a suspect.

43:23 - 43:26

And there you just go for two weeks, but you only have like three days shooting.

43:27 - 43:30

So maybe I don't want to be the detective. I just want to be a suspect.

43:30 - 43:33

I don't even want to be the murderer. Maybe just be the dead body. Yeah.

43:34 - 43:38

Where did you speak to I spoke to him after a game of five-a-side football?

43:38 - 43:47

Are you in the same football team as him or gang? I wouldn't say I'm in the same gang as Angus Dayton, but I'd say occasionally we've played football together.

43:47 - 43:52

Where are we now? You've just done your class. Have you had any lunch? Have you had any breakfast?

43:52 - 43:59

No, now it's lunchtime. And I went to Marks and Spencers. There's a small Marks and Spencers in Crouch End, but it's lovely.

43:59 - 44:03

And it's very relaxing. Marks and Spencers, I don't know, again, this isn't an advert.

44:03 - 44:13

They're lovely to just walk around. I don't eat meat, but I really like looking at all of the ranges and what they're thinking of and what people are having and

44:13 - 44:21

what things are influenced by. It's a lovely browse, Marks and Spencers. I knew I was just going to get a bag of stir-fry vegetables and that's what I got.

44:21 - 44:33

What I like to do in Marks and Spencers is I get a pair of Lululemon underpants and I tie up the legs so they're like a bag and then you can just use the waistband as a really handy carrier.

44:33 - 44:38

But you can put freezer stuff in one leg and non-perishables in the other leg.

44:38 - 44:45

That's the way I use my Lulus. And then when you put them on again they're really nice and baggy like a much bigger man has been inside them.

44:46 - 44:49

Just a question, sorry to say, just for the tape, did you have any breakfast?

44:49 - 44:52

This is the first thing you're consuming of the day or did you have your toast?

44:53 - 44:58

I did. I had a vegetarian sausage before I left and then for lunch I had a stir fry.

44:58 - 45:04

Okay, tell us about the stir fry. Give us the details. It's just a bag of stir fry with a sweet and sour sauce.

45:04 - 45:08

Did you trick it up with anything? I did pop some avocado on there at the end.

45:08 - 45:13

Okay. How do you feel about avocado on a stir fry, David? So long as it's put in on the end, I'm fine.

45:13 - 45:22

cold. Yeah, it's not warm. What would happen if you tried to do? They shouldn't.

45:22 - 45:32

It's bullshit. We all agree that is bullshit. But there's something about the creaminess of an avocado and the sort of sweet tartness of sweet chili is a very, very good match.

45:33 - 45:41

Oh, good to know. Really nice. We don't have time to go into this, but I do sometimes wonder if I never had another avocado, would I miss it?

45:41 - 45:56

You know, I've been swept along in the last 10 years by big avocado. Before we recorded this, I went to the cafe on the street and I had an avocado with an egg on it and I was thinking this is fine.

45:56 - 46:04

This is absolutely fine, but do I love it? I would say your problem there is if you've got egg, you don't need avocado.

46:04 - 46:10

And vice versa. I think you're doubling on consistencies. So I think it's an either or situation.

46:11 - 46:17

I do think you'd miss avocado in certain circumstances, but never on an egg. Okay.

46:17 - 46:22

It's a bit late now, guys. It's rapidly heading for my poop shoot as we speak.

46:22 - 46:32

It would be a weird reason to go and have open intestinal surgery to say I've just decided I don't want avocados anymore, but I just had one.

46:32 - 46:36

So rather than letting this pass the course of nature, I want it out right now.

46:36 - 46:43

Oh, I heard a funny mix up in the cafe yesterday. There was an Italian couple and maybe they weren't Italian.

46:44 - 47:00

They'd mixed up affogato with avocado and they're different. They're so different. So they'd ordered an affogato and when it arrived, you sort of saw him with a spoon going through like thinking,

47:00 - 47:14

firstly, what a weird thing, coffee over avocado. Maybe it's delicious. Maybe it is delicious, but he took it back and the server was not great and rather than just sort of laugh it off and

47:14 - 47:18

say, oh, I'll get you what you actually want. There was a like, no, this is what you ordered.

47:18 - 47:25

So this cafe does sell affogato. Affogato and avocado. So it's quite a posh cafe.

47:25 - 47:35

What's the worst way round? Is it worse to want an affogato, you know, after a nice meal and then to get an avocado in a glass covering coffee?

47:35 - 47:41

Or is it worse, you know, to get smashed affogato on toast? No, I think that would be a lovely surprise.

47:42 - 47:48

I think you'd be like, oh, it's delicious. I think that way's best. They misheard avocado and give you an affogato.

47:48 - 47:53

Look, we need to get through this day. We're at lunchtime. How's the afternoon looking?

47:54 - 48:02

How does it spread? Are you excited for it? Yeah, I am because one of the kids is in nursery and by now our nanny has come and she's taken Albie,

48:02 - 48:07

the baby show, and it's boring. And as I did it, I thought, this is boring, but I did.

48:07 - 48:12

I got some work done. I finished something that was due, it was due to Australia, and so I got it in Monday night.

48:13 - 48:26

That means they got it Tuesday morning. We're winning. We're getting dopamine. We're working towards Max.

48:26 - 48:33

Yeah, of course. The gold standard. Yes, we're working towards that. It's for an ABC show, comedian called Naz Hussain, who's very successful in Australia.

48:34 - 48:39

So I'm co-writing two episodes of his program. So it's really great and working towards that home and away.

48:40 - 48:52

Wow. And when the program goes into production, say to them, boy, do I have an idea for the theme music to this and give them a 26-hour version of Ulysses jazz.

48:53 - 49:00

It's going to be a long show. It's going to be a 13-hour intro, the show, and then a 13-hour outro.

49:00 - 49:10

They'll love it because we all know that TV is struggling at the moment. And what better than having only one program on a day because the theme tune lasts for longer than a day.

49:11 - 49:19

I just solved your problem. One program on every day. The BBC, all I need to do is write Death in Paradise, a really, really long theme.

49:20 - 49:24

I'll get my dad to write the theme tunes for every program. We just solved TV.

49:24 - 49:35

What's really good about Death in Paradise theme is there'd be a minute where you get the scene, there's a finance conference in San Marie for some reason, somebody dies, they find the dead body,

49:35 - 49:41

and then the theme tune kicks in, and then you sit there for 26 hours waiting for the episode to start.

49:41 - 49:50

And then when the theme tune stops, the next program's theme tune will start, which is probably going to be, if you've had Death in Paradise on a Monday, you'll probably have the news on Tuesday.

49:50 - 49:57

The news can only be once a week now because of the theme tunes. And then Wednesdays, House of Games.

49:57 - 50:00

House of Games is now going to be spread over a month because of the theme tunes.

50:01 - 50:08

Thursdays, Eastenders, Omnibus, but that also means an omnibus of theme tune, so that lasts until Sunday.

50:09 - 50:14

Question, your printer doesn't work, but you've already emailed it, so you don't need to print it out.

50:15 - 50:25

It's all about the feeling of achievement. So the process of printing it hole-punching it, putting it into my folder, as in the first draft is done, is very important.

50:25 - 50:33

So I've got all of my projects physically, I can see them on my shelf, and I print off the notes that I get back, and then I print off the next draft,

50:33 - 50:38

and so they all sit together in their folders. I find that part of it really satisfying.

50:38 - 50:46

I print out all the transcripts for these podcasts. Yeah, yeah. Actually, the Ross Noble episode did take out all the rainforests of Ecuador.

50:48 - 50:59

Sarah, in doing these podcasts, we found that I can only do one impersonation in the world, and it's the sound of the buzzer on catchphrase in the 90s.

50:59 - 51:10

It's so amazing. Can I hear it, please? Well, before I do it, I will tell you that, so there is an auto-AI transcript of this that comes out for people who might like to read it,

51:11 - 51:18

and the word it really can't spell is this, bzz-ring, do-do-do-do-do-do, -do-do, it's really good.

51:18 - 51:24

Yeah, well done. Somebody sent email to say his dad wrote it, and that was a really good moment for us.

51:24 - 51:33

He wrote that, bzz-ring, he made the bzz-ring. Wow. Okay, we have hole-punched we have put in our ring binders.

51:33 - 51:38

We haven't, we haven't, the printer didn't work, I got it working this morning, it doesn't matter, it didn't happen yesterday.

51:38 - 51:46

So was it a paper jam or was it? Paper jam, yep. Just while we're talking about transcripts, because I know you had John Robbins on, I saw that he came up last week,

51:46 - 51:57

when John Robbins and I got together, and I'm just adding this because it's a really romantic thing, if anyone's early relationship, he, when we got together, he somehow got all of our text messages,

51:57 - 52:02

ever since we first texted each other, all printed out, to pretend, isn't that amazing?

52:03 - 52:09

So through these texts, you see us being like, oh yeah, I see you at that gig on Tuesday, and then you can sort of see where we start to like each other,

52:09 - 52:17

and the texts get longer, and there's one where I say, oh I'm just reading in the bar, so he was like, that's when I knew you liked me, like there was all these points in it,

52:18 - 52:22

and then us getting together, so that's quite a good romantic thing to do if anyone's trying to impress anyone.

52:22 - 52:30

I'm trying to think, like Jamie and I, we remembered yesterday, it was our seven year wedding anniversary, but we've been together for many years before that, but now, a book of,

52:30 - 52:37

you know, the texts of he's down, I'm really tired, could you get some bananas, it's just not quite the same.

52:38 - 52:43

Are you annoyed with me? Why do you keep laughing? He's done a weird poo again, I don't know what's wrong.

52:44 - 52:57

Make sure you wash your hands, he has done a weird poo. It's a fascinating thought though, that Seamus Heaney dies and the correspondence of Seamus Heaney goes to whatever library in the world and it's a cardboard box of,

52:57 - 53:04

you know, all of his letters and things. Yet we have these enormous digital footprints.

53:04 - 53:13

If you knew where to look, there's probably old MSN conversations of me trying to chat people up in 1996 as well.

53:13 - 53:27

It's frightening, you know, I'm not saying I will win the Nobel Prize for Literature, but it's at least possible that my descendants will have access to this absolute useless dirge.

53:27 - 53:35

People have to put it in their will now actually. It's something that you have to consider what you want destroyed, what you want to be kept, and then it is,

53:35 - 53:45

it's passed over. You have, there are companies that run essentially digital warehouses where they collate and keep it there so that it doesn't get lost or deleted because that's what happened.

53:45 - 53:54

Because some people, you know, you lose a loved one and you want to remember them and you think, oh wow, yes, they sent me that message or that DM and you want to be able to go in and

53:54 - 53:58

find it again and so you can leave it all there collated. So people do think about that now.

53:58 - 54:08

That's interesting. I did wonder about, do you schedule loads of tweets for a time when you're definitely going to be dead, like a hundred years time, saying what you really think about some people?

54:08 - 54:14

Just, you know, just popping out, no, it's the dead Max is just laying into, you know, some football

54:16 - 54:25

yeah, do that now, schedule it for a hundred years and then you get hacked and it's all released when you're absolutely fine and then you're like, no, no, you can't be angry with me till I'm dead,

54:25 - 54:36

all right? Okay, we, so, printer didn't work, I then hung up some washing, because you know, the washing now that's been sitting in the washing machine since I washed the bedding,

54:37 - 54:43

hung that up. Sorry, interruption, are we using a clothes source, we got a line outside and are you very good at it?

54:43 - 54:52

Because I'm quite methodical with this. Great question, great question. Thanks David. The situation we've got is we've got a heated dryer that was recommended, because then when it's raining you can still do your drying,

54:52 - 54:59

can't you? But I bought one for outside because we don't have a washing line and it was much smaller, yesterday was the first use of it.

54:59 - 55:06

Oh, okay, the debut. Yeah, so it's from Argos, no ad, so it's one that you can put up in the garden, like a big clothes dryer or you can have it in the house,

55:06 - 55:11

you can move it around, so it's not in the garden all the time because you know, we play in the garden, we don't want a big washer there all the time.

55:16 - 55:20

It's a small version of something I thought would be big. Got it, got it, and is it kind of that sort of lattice?

55:21 - 55:26

It's the same shape as what you would think would be permanent in a garden, it's a spider's web at the top on a stick, yes.

55:27 - 55:34

Oh, right, okay, it's that one, it's a pulley-pulley one. Yeah, and it's great because you can pick it up with a handle and it goes all like an umbrella, all straight and then

55:34 - 55:37

you put it down, but it's small, so I'd say you'd only get two towels on there.

55:38 - 55:49

Okay, so I am thinking about drying a lot here because we are in an apartment here that doesn't have a dryer, but it does, because it's an Edinburgh apartment, the rooms are very large,

55:50 - 56:04

so I have been using one of the lattice ones that pulls up and then the other day I happened to click the unlock on it and the entire thing with all my clothes on it just fell down into,

56:04 - 56:13

it was about, you know, four inches high with all of my clothes effectively sandwiched like a sandwich press, but I'm pretty sure because it has sharp edges, it could have taken a,

56:13 - 56:18

it could have guillotied, I could have lost my life to a dryer. Oh my God.

56:18 - 56:27

I know, yeah. Those little keyboard in hands, useless. But I will say this, the Lululemon underpants almost come out of the washing machine dry.

56:27 - 56:38

They really do. They're almost, they're impervious to water. And actually these shorts that I'm wearing here, these shorts, because, you know, Willius vomits on them, like all over them.

56:38 - 56:41

Some, you can just rub that off and still go into talk sport and no one notices.

56:42 - 56:54

You don't change your shorts. I have two, I bought a deluxe clothes horse, but then I, the middle section, I like to put the laundry basket on it, but I put it on too hard and it snapped it.

56:54 - 57:00

So I use some string to tie it up, but it doesn't quite go, I can't face buying another deluxe clothes horse.

57:00 - 57:07

And then I've got a secondary one, but sometimes in Melbourne it's like, it's hot and then suddenly it gets, you know, the night's coming in it or the, you know,

57:07 - 57:12

suddenly it's just going to absolutely piss it down and I can just get them in the back door.

57:12 - 57:21

I'm just not quite thin enough to go in with them. So then I have to sort of hold it like a sort of big, like I'm holding some sort of medieval weapon and I can just get it in,

57:21 - 57:32

but then we can't open the fridge. Closed horse is Max's follow-up to War Horse, the successful book and play and it's, the reviews are awful of it.

57:32 - 57:37

It's just him. Well, I cast Gavin Fitness and he's no actor and that's the problem.

57:37 - 57:44

I honestly don't know how you went from a story about you being covered in vomit on your pants and then the story got sadder and sadder.

57:48 - 57:56

That was the high point, that was the zenith of this. It was a little insight into your life, like, no, it's broken, I won't get it fixed, oh, I can't get into the house,

57:56 - 58:03

no, I'm just stuck here. Anyway, so we hang up the clothes on the mini clothes, dry, the spider's web.

58:03 - 58:14

Oh, sorry, I have something here. I believe that's called a hill's hoist and I believe if you speak to New Zealanders and one of our listeners will step in here,

58:14 - 58:23

it's one of the inventions of New Zealand that they feel most proud of, the spider's web garden clothesline.

58:23 - 58:30

Thank you. Hill's hoist is great knowledge. The next thing I did, so I have been selling old clothes on Vintage, you know, that app.

58:30 - 58:34

I sold something and then I went to the post office and I posted it.

58:34 - 58:38

Well done, getting all that done so quickly. Yes. It's very impressive. What was it?

58:38 - 58:47

It was a dress that doesn't have the label in it anymore. So I have to sell things quite cheaply if I've cut the labels out because I never thought I was going to sell things.

58:47 - 58:52

I didn't know. Does it have the same price difference as like a Picasso without his signature?

58:52 - 58:58

Is it the same? It's like a Picasso or a postcard of Picasso. Right. Why did you cut the label out?

58:58 - 59:03

Because it poked out of the back. So it's like a dress that comes off the shoulders.

59:03 - 59:08

I don't think I ever even wore it, but when I did try it on, the label poked out, so I just cut it off.

59:08 - 59:17

Okay, yeah. And then I found it screwed up and I thought, because it's easy, you just take a couple of pictures and it uploads and then people just buy it with their Apple Pay and

59:17 - 59:20

you have to send it to them. Did you do anything else at the post office?

59:21 - 59:25

We went to the coffee shop, even though by now it was nearly four o'clock.

59:26 - 59:30

My husband came with me because it was the first time he needed to leave the house, he was feeling a bit mad.

59:30 - 59:33

So we walked there and then we're like, too late, we shouldn't have a coffee, we shouldn't have a coffee.

59:33 - 59:37

And then we go, oh, if you have a coffee, I'll have a coffee, I'll have a coffee and then we both had a coffee.

59:37 - 59:41

Great. What do we have there? Same coffee? Flat whites? Yeah, flat whites all round.

59:42 - 59:47

Oak milk for me. We looked in the fridge because they had some kimchi. I just wanted to look at it.

59:47 - 59:59

It's Marks and Spencer's all over again. I like to browse. Sorry, I know we don't want to drag this on for a Ross Noble length of time, but how is it that Italians have a double espresso after their dinner?

59:59 - 1:00:07

Yet, if I inhale a flat white after three in the afternoon, I lie in bed jiggling.

1:00:08 - 1:00:12

Yeah, I don't know. I don't know if that is genetic. We would have to do some tests.

1:00:12 - 1:00:16

Yeah. If it's environmental, as in if you always do it, you're used to it.

1:00:16 - 1:00:23

But I do know that caffeine has a half-life. So it's how many coffees you've had cumulatively rather than the time of day.

1:00:24 - 1:00:27

So if you've already had two or three in the day and then you have a fourth, you're a fool.

1:00:28 - 1:00:34

Shit. Whereas if you've had one in the morning, I would say it's classic Italian, you've had one at the espresso bar on the way to work.

1:00:34 - 1:00:39

If you're then having one with your dinner, you will have less caffeine than someone who's had three before midday.

1:00:39 - 1:00:44

No spoilers, but do you live to regret this one? I didn't drink it. Oh.

1:00:44 - 1:00:47

I had one sip and I knew it was wrong. And then it just sat on the side.

1:00:48 - 1:00:53

And then this morning I thought about microwaving it, but I didn't. We're getting close to pick-up time.

1:00:53 - 1:01:01

Yes, five o'clock is pick-up time. So I get really excited. The only thing I can compare it to is when I used to date and being excited about seeing a boy,

1:01:01 - 1:01:05

that's how I feel when I realise I'm going to see Theodore again. Yeah, that's nice.

1:01:05 - 1:01:11

The whole like, are we going to make dinner and he's going to tell me about his day and be so excited to see us.

1:01:11 - 1:01:13

And then me and my husband quite often argue about who's going to go and get him.

1:01:14 - 1:01:19

But Steen won yesterday, so Steen got to go and get him. So I got to wait here excited for him to come.

1:01:19 - 1:01:24

That's really nice. I mean, I get that. Ian definitely wants mum to pick him up from kinder.

1:01:24 - 1:01:29

When I get there, he goes, I thought mum was picking me up. And then I say, you know, what happened at kinder?

1:01:30 - 1:01:36

And he's like, good. So I'm really excited to see him. But within half an hour, I'm like, we could have probably picked him up half an hour later.

1:01:37 - 1:01:41

I think for me, you're absolutely right because, you know, they call it the golden hour.

1:01:41 - 1:01:49

It's so slow that time between, you know, four or five and then bedtime. You know, you were looking at what's going, OK, now we can eat.

1:01:49 - 1:01:56

God, now we can have a bath. But it's a long. But because I work nights most of the time when I don't have a gig, it's so exciting to go,

1:01:57 - 1:02:03

Theo's going to come home. I can have a glass of wine. I don't have this feeling of like, OK, OK, get him to sleep so I can go out to my gig.

1:02:03 - 1:02:07

Or I'm so tired, I can't believe I now have to go to Leicester. It's so great.

1:02:08 - 1:02:12

What's his thing at the moment? Does he have a dinosaur thing or a balance bike thing?

1:02:12 - 1:02:26

He's into Transformers. So he came home and I bought him a second hand. It's not the brand of Transformer, but it is a robot that he likes that because there's an age where suddenly if someone buys you a GoBot and

1:02:26 - 1:02:31

you want a Transformer, you want a Decepticon, you're just not happy about it. Yeah, he doesn't care about that stuff.

1:02:32 - 1:02:41

Also, I know it didn't happen yesterday, but on Sunday we went to a kids party and as we were walking home someone was clearing out their house and they gave him free toys and he can't get over it.

1:02:41 - 1:02:46

His mind exploded like this is possible in the world and he keeps asking. So he's got this Iron Man now that this man gave him.

1:02:46 - 1:02:56

He keeps going, he's got toys from men and please don't go into people's houses.

1:02:57 - 1:03:11

But yes, they didn't want their toys anymore, aren't we lucky? Sorry, there's a potential delightful mix up here that he's obsessed with 140 volt to 220 volt electrical step-down transformers because you know that those things are called as well.

1:03:12 - 1:03:17

That means you can use an American hairdryer in the UK. Yeah, he actually wanted an Affogato.

1:03:18 - 1:03:24

I can't believe he got an Iron Man. All right, so now we're in the midst of dinner, bath, bed, all this stuff, right?

1:03:24 - 1:03:29

That's what it is. It's like stick the telly on, trying to stop the fighting, because there's a lot of fighting.

1:03:29 - 1:03:34

We've got these things called towers, you know, so you can have them by the side with you, but they can't go anywhere.

1:03:35 - 1:03:39

It's a Montessori thing, so children can be the same height as you at the surface.

1:03:39 - 1:03:43

They're brilliant. Anyway, so we've got two of them, but it means that you can push them far enough away from each other.

1:03:44 - 1:03:46

You can keep them away from anything hot, but you can cook round them, they can play.

1:03:47 - 1:03:53

Can they get out, or they're stuck in there? They can throw themselves onto the floor, but there's no way of stepping in and out.

1:03:53 - 1:04:01

You have to put them in there. They're like little tall prisons. If you say Montessori, it sounds great.

1:04:03 - 1:04:09

We lock them in that until 7am. Yes, that's it. We go out and have a lovely night.

1:04:10 - 1:04:17

You're all set the same height. That's really interesting. They can join in or snack or have juice or do play-doh.

1:04:19 - 1:04:37

What's for dinner? What's everyone having? We had noodles yesterday. It's just different forms of carbs, isn't it?

1:04:37 - 1:04:42

Pasta and noodles is essentially the same thing, but it makes us feel like we're not eating pasta every night if we have noodles.

1:04:42 - 1:04:52

And in many ways you could see it as a mindfulness journey that he just wants plain no flavour.

1:04:53 - 1:04:59

He's just exploring the simplicity of plain pasta. Theodore is much more in that stage.

1:04:59 - 1:05:05

likes cheese. calls it yellow, which means butter and cheese. Whereas Albie, he's a thrill seeker and he wants chilli.

1:05:05 - 1:05:16

He wants chilli. He wants soy sauce. He wants spring onions. They want to put

1:05:19 - 1:05:27

toast in the toaster and not even put butter on it. Just be gnawing on what's basically a phone book of nutrition.

1:05:28 - 1:05:38

But also those base blocks are very tasty. Not necessarily without butter, but plain pasta or pasta with cheese and a bit of pepper on it is delicious.

1:05:38 - 1:05:45

The algorithm is constantly telling me this is how you get your child to eat mackerel.

1:05:45 - 1:05:49

I don't want to eat it myself, but I want to have a kid that eats mackerel.

1:05:50 - 1:05:56

We just don't try. Sometimes we do. Sarah, are you going to have a bath?

1:05:58 - 1:06:04

They were diving. They were just jumping and splashing as much as they could. They called it diving.

1:06:04 - 1:06:19

In together, because that's an adorable sight. This is what I want. There's probably something very profound in this, but I want to be washed like a baby once again.

1:06:19 - 1:06:25

Because I'm a 16 stone 6 foot 1 man, I'm going to need big boys to lift me.

1:06:25 - 1:06:31

Probably Richard Osman and Darrow Brian are the only two people I know who could lift me.

1:06:32 - 1:06:37

And then just a big bath full of toys. You know what I mean? do that for comic relief?

1:06:37 - 1:06:41

Should we do that for comic relief? Get sponsored? It would have to be gunk, wouldn't it?

1:06:41 - 1:06:51

It would have to be a gunk tank. And after the gunk they'd have to give them a lovely wash, wouldn't Normally after the gunk tank they never showed you Andy Crane being showered afterwards,

1:06:51 - 1:06:59

did you? That was never on comic relief. You know, bath time, because sometimes Ian's at a stage where sometimes he says he doesn't really want one and then you're like,

1:06:59 - 1:07:03

okay, you can go a couple of days. The more I hear about Ian, the less I like him.

1:07:04 - 1:07:11

He's a great guy, but sometimes he doesn't want to bath. He did brush his teeth this morning, so if we get one thing out, we're pretty happy.

1:07:13 - 1:07:22

He doesn't have any smells or anything. Terrible BO, absolutely reeks of BO. He's been wearing the same polyester shirt for six days.

1:07:23 - 1:07:28

Does it make any difference if he doesn't? I would say this about all of these small people.

1:07:28 - 1:07:33

Does it really make much of a difference if you don't wash? I think you want their bottom clean.

1:07:33 - 1:07:38

Oh, yeah, I forgot about that. Yeah, back to that. And their balls. Yeah, probably.

1:07:39 - 1:07:46

I think so. Oh, my God. And their feet, you know, because he's Australian, so he's always bare feet.

1:07:46 - 1:07:50

Okay, right. Also, it's just something to do. It's just a chunk of time is the other thing.

1:07:50 - 1:07:54

It's like half an hour. Once they get good at it, you can just sit and watch.

1:07:55 - 1:07:58

They're fun. Yeah, it is fun. At the moment, they like making cups of tea.

1:07:58 - 1:08:04

And all that means is they're pouring water from one container to another and they go to me, cup of tea, cup of tea.

1:08:04 - 1:08:08

And actually, because Ian is so cafe culture, he does go, I've made you a flat white, mama.

1:08:10 - 1:08:14

And because you're the Japanan and the Irish, you're like, can I get three quarters?

1:08:14 - 1:08:23

I throw in his face. Okay, so bath time's good. then do you do bedtime together in the same room?

1:08:23 - 1:08:29

We alternate, take turns. One of us will read stories with one, one of us with the other one, and then we put them to bed.

1:08:29 - 1:08:36

So there's a little bit of half an hour rampage, running around, putting on low lighting and things and trying to make it relaxed.

1:08:36 - 1:08:45

It doesn't work. But then by half seven they're both asleep. And then we essentially get into bed and watch a programme on the laptop and then we go to sleep.

1:08:46 - 1:08:56

Has this always been the case? This dreamy going to sleep or is it something that you really had to work on and come up with a method for getting them both to bed?

1:08:57 - 1:09:03

It wasn't a method. Theodore you have to lie with him till he's asleep. But the one year old he's quite good.

1:09:03 - 1:09:39

If he little mini nap, you've got to take it while you can. So you're both in bed, then what do you watch?

1:09:40 - 1:09:44

We're watching Blue Lights actually, because Steen had never watched it. I've seen it and now we're re-watching it.

1:09:45 - 1:09:51

What is it? Blue Lights is a police drama set in Northern Ireland, BAFTA winning.

1:09:51 - 1:09:57

It is very good. Very good acting. I think it's very good. Steen said the other day, oh, I

1:10:03 - 1:10:16

English and I don't know enough about it. But being slightly younger and also I'm not saying it's a really deep dive into history but I guess the ramifications of the troubles continuing to exist.

1:10:16 - 1:10:20

But it's a great BBC drama. People who like things like Line of Duty, I would say it's better.

1:10:21 - 1:10:27

It's less silly. Less silly. And the third series is about to come out. So it's a good time to revise the first two series.

1:10:31 - 1:10:44

I think my brother might be in it. My brother is an actor. He's in a Channel 5 one at the moment where he's a sort of down to knee type one where he's a butler and

1:10:44 - 1:10:51

there are a few more delightful things in the world. The new watching something and your

1:10:57 - 1:11:04

heart because he can do voices and stuff like he's from the north of England or he's from the north of Ireland.

1:11:04 - 1:11:11

It's one of life's joys. There's Mark. Until you're watching Death in Paradise and then he says you

1:11:16 - 1:11:20

fall asleep watching that. We wait to the end. But sometimes this is why I

1:11:28 - 1:11:33

going let's just watch another episode. You can't live that life. You will regret it.

1:11:34 - 1:11:37

It's going to be good but not that good. That's your tagline for this show.

1:11:38 - 1:11:45

Sara Pascoe. Good but not so good. Blue lights an hour episode. It's really good.

1:11:45 - 1:11:49

If 20 past nine you're not going to watch another one to 20 past 10. You're not insane.

1:11:50 - 1:11:57

Stop. So nod off around 20 past nine then. That's when straight to sleep. Put a podcast on.

1:11:57 - 1:12:00

Put case file on because that's the easiest one to fall asleep to. What's that?

1:12:00 - 1:12:11

Case file Australian true crime. It's an anonymous Australian host and it's mostly Australian murders which as we all know are the worst and weirdest in the world.

1:12:11 - 1:12:18

And put you to sleep Famously the sleepy most murders of all Australian murders. Yeah, that's true.

1:12:18 - 1:12:21

Do you listen to that with headphones and steams asleep or you both listen to it?

1:12:21 - 1:12:28

Put the phone between our pillows. Whose responsibility is it to press stop? The person who falls asleep second?

1:12:28 - 1:12:35

You don't. You put a sleep timer on a podcast. You put the little moon and you say turn off when podcast ends or turn off in half an hour.

1:12:36 - 1:12:39

Do you both wake up going where did you get to? That's what we do in the morning.

1:12:39 - 1:12:43

How far did you get? then neither of us got very far. So the next night put it on again.

1:12:43 - 1:12:49

So you're still on episode one. Series one. Episode one. The whole cycle continues. What a beautiful day.

1:12:50 - 1:12:57

It's a great day. I don't think it's a very cool day. I don't think anyone's going to be thinking wow Sarah's got a great life.

1:12:57 - 1:13:17

There was a I'm so happy that you will remember this along with everything when I keep sending those texts for the rest of your life.

1:13:19 - 1:13:24

Sara Pascoe, thank you very much for telling us what you did yesterday. Thank you.

1:13:24 - 1:13:41

Thank you. Thank you for asking. Great episode, David. The most detail we've gone into clothes horses, which was something we needed to do.

1:13:43 - 1:13:58

I mean, we've but somehow the big question of our time, also very personally, as the son of a jazz musician, I relate so much to the 26th hour.

1:13:59 - 1:14:11

My dad had a Ulysses, but his was just, I think, 10 songs inspired by passages in Ulysses that I think he did it with Louis Stewart, the famous jazz guitarist anyway,

1:14:11 - 1:14:18

26 hours. That's where I want to be when I'm that age. It's a great sentence that you go, my dad also had a Ulysses.

1:14:18 - 1:14:37

It's just not a commonly said thing. And also really delighted to know that not someone's buying a trading card with my face on it for $42, but someone is thinking, someone in Shanghai called Gavin Fitness is thinking they could get $42 for that trading card.

1:14:37 - 1:14:43

The name is fitness, Gavin Fitness. Toast of London, isn't it? It's a toast of London, though.

1:14:43 - 1:14:51

I'm alleging this is you, so your aliases are now Max Rushden, Lord Percy of Digbat, and Gavin Fitness.

1:14:52 - 1:14:56

Expect a lot more of that going forward. If you'd like to get in touch with the show, here's how.

1:15:10 - 1:15:21

podcast platform. And if you didn't, please don't. Thank you, David. Everything's showbiz. I think let's keep doing the podcast forever, Max.

1:15:21 - 1:15:26

Yeah, for life. And then we'll schedule tweets, putting it out after we're both gone.

1:15:28 - 1:15:29

Bye. See ya.

WDWDY #74: Hoovered Under The Duvet

S4 EP22: Briony May Williams

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The Great Christmas Bunny Emergency (Part 3)

The Great Christmas Bunny Emergency (Part 2 )

The Great Christmas Bunny Emergency (Part 1 )

S3 EP27: Rob Auton

WDWDY #51: In Fairness To Lube

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S3 EP11: Sara Pascoe