S3 EP8: Ross Noble

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Podcasts, there are millions of them. Some might say too many. I have one already.

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I don't have any because there are enough. Politics, business, sport, you name it, there's a podcast about it.

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They all ask the big questions and cover the hot topics of the day. But nobody is covering the most important topic of all.

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Why is that? Are they scared? Too afraid of being censored by the man? Possibly, but not us.

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We're here to ask the only question that matters. We try and say it at the same time, Max.

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What did you do yesterday? What did you do yesterday? What did you do yesterday?

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That's it. All we're interested in is what the guest got up to yesterday. Nothing more.

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Day before yesterday, Max. Nope. The greatest and most interesting day of your life. Unless it was yesterday, we don't want to know about it.

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I'm Max Rushden. And I'm David O'Doherty. Welcome to What Did You Do Yesterday? Hello and welcome to today's episode of What Did You Do Yesterday?

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Hi, David O'Doherty. Hello and welcome to today's episode of What Did You Do Yesterday?

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Yeah. With special guest, Ross Noble. Yeah. I don't think we need to spend too long on the intro of an episode I would call, Will You Just Eat The Chicken Legs, Ross?

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Because you may have seen the duration. I don't know how Mars Bar cut it down there, but it was our longest ever record.

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But I'd say perhaps a goat episode, David. An extraordinary real interrogation of what tipping point the quiz show means.

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I don't want to give too much away, but... No, we don't need to. As a lifelong pointless loyalist, you know, you got to go one way or the other.

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Class from a pointless fan, of course. It was interesting to hear how some people reacted to tipping point.

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Ross Noble is one of the most influential comedians of the last 25 years. He has, I'm going to say, pioneered a style of full improvisation and then building that into shows, which means he can talk for any duration about any topic whatsoever, such as

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a tiny red mark on a bench. He can do that. I'm just saying that.

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That might come up. He is so funny. And yeah, he's one of the greats.

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It's one of those episodes where at the start, you know, David and I like to drop in little nuggets about our lives and maybe half an hour in we realize we don't.

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We can save these nuggets for another episode. I think Ross has got this covered.

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Hey, what do we need to plug his show, David? Ross has a new upcoming UK tour called Cranium of Curiosities that's running in 25, late 25 into 26.

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And he's currently on ITV's show Shark Celebrity Infested Waters. What a show. What a name.

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Who's in that? Lenny Henry. Sharks. Chuck. Lenny Henry, Rachel Riley. I think Ade Adepitan and Ross Noble into Shark Infested Waters.

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We know that Ross has survived because he did the episode. We don't know about the others.

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Spoiler alert. Yeah. Anyway, here's what Ross did yesterday. Ross Noble, welcome to What Did You Do Yesterday?

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Hello. It's very kind of you for doing this. Just to peer behind the curtain, producer Will, just before we came on air, just said, I like the sound of you.

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So if you were nervous, Ross, about your voice in any sense, rest assured you have a lovely voice.

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That's lovely. That's like the sort of modern version of, I like the cut of your jib.

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Yeah. You know? I also like, as producer Will makes us all record backups of these things, you spoke as you searched for the quick time icon.

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You sort of spoke your way through it. You know what I mean? The way, if my father's in the shed and he's looking for like a secateurs, they'd be like,

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now, where are you? Are you over there? No, you are not. You know what I mean?

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It was a nice comforting. So I like to think that that was me thinking that I was a professional broadcaster.

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I didn't want to leave dead air. I'm thinking, okay, so we need to find this.

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Is that the thing? It turns out I'm an old Irish man in a shed, which is good.

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It happens to all of us eventually. One time I really noticed it is if I'm just making the most basic sandwich in the world, sometimes in my head is a cookery program on the TV.

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So you take your bread and we're going to put just the butter on the bread.

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And today, just a slice of cheese, just a simple slice of cheese. It's the worst television program ever.

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Well, I have a constant soundtrack in my head, not real music, just... When I'm driving, I especially like the airport near me.

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It's got like a real windy, like spirally thing. So I like to go full lock.

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I do that a lot when I'm driving. And I often do the banjo from the Dukes of Hazard as well.

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And for years, I also had Waylon Jennings, you know, that used to do the voiceover in the Dukes of Hazard.

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And so often I'll be driving like, Well it looks like old Ross has got himself in a whole heap of trouble.

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Yeah, it's good that you've got that. I think sometimes maybe audio description. Sometimes I'll do my own audio description.

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Ross walks into the room. He looks pensive. This really bodes well for the episode, I think, because, you know, you'll have had that commentary if you can hark back to it.

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So what time did you wake up? And when you woke up, did it immediately, is it, you know, 6.30 a.m.?

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Well, ironically, I had a one-night stand with Waylon Jennings. That was really confusing because I was in the bed and I heard a voice and went, Well it looks like old Noble, he's stirring again.

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And it was me because I'm thinking, hang on, that's my internal monologue. Or is that Weylon under the quilt doing it himself?

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And the lovemaking, the lovemaking is very confusing because Waylon's talking to you during the lovemaking, but at the same time, your internal monologue, he's going, well, that sure did hit the spot.

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Looks like he's going to get himself all the way to Chexaw County. That's what I'm hearing in my head.

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But he's just going, oh, that sure is pleasant. So it was a difficult. Yeah, I can see that.

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You see what I mean? It's very difficult. It's also confusing because he's been dead for many years.

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I was having relations with the ghost of Waylon Jennings. So weirdly, his voice in my head was the actual voice that was like, oh, it looks like, oh, Ross.

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Whereas in the room, it was more of a, oh, looks like Ross. It's because it was a spooky ghost voice.

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Of course, yeah. It all makes sense now. Can I just point out that not only is this podcast going to be in real time for my day yesterday, it's actually going to be longer because I haven't even woken up yet.

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We've already done five minutes. So this could be the first podcast. It's like watching 24, but on half speed, double speed and half speed.

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Will there be bits, you know, when we really reach a climax at some point, there'll be like the beep, beep, beep, beep, beep.

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Yeah. Because we'll split it into 24 episodes then. Yeah, if you could. Change the tack of the whole podcast and do, it's now a 24 special with Ross Noble.

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And we'll be back to the other guests in six months time. Okay. I look forward to it.

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Just what's really, oh, why the single line that really is pleasant, which is a line you don't hear in contemporary pornography enough.

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Oh, that's very pleasant. That really is pleasant. Oh, good Lord. Hang on a second.

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Just wait there a second. I'm just going to grab this. I'll have to start the, oh, that really is pleasant.

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Ross has got a pipe. I've got a pipe. What you can do during the lovemaking, if your partner does something really quite saucy, I like to say, what the dickens?

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Anyway, so what time did I wake up? I woke up at, beat the alarm yesterday.

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Oh, can I just point out as well? Sorry, just on another time. No, no, don't apologize.

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Yesterday was the most basic, bland day. Brilliant. I'm sort of having a bit of a break at the moment.

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And I've also decided I very much like to ignore anything work-related, anything, just not looking at my foot, any of that sort of thing.

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So yesterday it was as boring a day as you can possibly imagine. Oh, I'm so excited.

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So it's trapping, fellas. There is. And I'll get to it later. Even to the point, and I'm going to admit this now, I even got into a bit of a weird, I'm not going to say argument,

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but a bit of a weird scenario with my wife, because we were going to do something later in the day, which I'll get to, where I said to her, oh, book that in,

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because I thought then at least there'll be one thing in the day. And then we did it today.

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And annoyingly, it would have been quite good to talk. Anyway, so seven o'clock, beat the alarm.

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The wife wasn't feeling very well. She was furious about Waylon. It's just making the bed cold, having the ghost in there.

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I woke up at seven, let the dogs out, in case the Baha men are listening, just for your records, lads.

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It was Ross Noble. It was very much me. It's a different song, isn't it?

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Yeah. I'm not going to lie to you. Every time I put the dogs out, I think of the Baha men.

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I just think, bloody hell, all that research they did in the 1990s. Yeah. Every time I look for my car in a multi-story car park, I say, dude, where's my car?

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Of course. Like every single time. Yeah. And they're both this similar era, those two cultural touchstones, I feel.

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So, yeah. Well, that was 99, wasn't it? Dude, where's my car? It came out. It was a very good year for movies.

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It came out at around the same time as The Matrix. And- Different films. Which is interesting because every time I walk down the street, if someone's coming towards me, I bend totally until my feet are on the ground, but I'm just suspended two

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inches above the floor, and then I just bounce back up again. It's a lovely image.

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If you're doing it with a long coat on, you've got the movement and you've got the flow of the coat.

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But if you're in short shorts, that's borderline sexual harassment, that. Yeah. Keanu Reeves arrested.

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Why was he arrested? Oh, God. Oh, you can't do anything these days. That's The Matrix 4.

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You can't do anything these days, can you? Exactly. So you let the dogs out.

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How many dogs just for the Baha men's? Two dogs. Two dogs. 36. Make it really a 36 dog.

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So I went out in the garden with the dogs, made sure that they did their business and that, and because I'm in Australia, my wife leaves the radio on digital.

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Looks like a normal radio, but it's a modern radio, and she leaves it on radio too.

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So we're listening to British radio, but you know how in the morning, obviously it's the graveyard shift.

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You're supposed to be like, hey, it's the Breakfast Crew. Let's play some tunes. We're going to get ready.

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And instead, it's one of those people that's gone, yeah, I'll do two till four.

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Or just entertaining people exclusively who work in toll booths. You know, that's sort of like, so that was playing.

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Ross, my co-host on this podcast, he occupied that shift for several. A few months on BBC London, I'd say 2006, maybe I did the overnight show.

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The show was already set up. So on a Tuesday, the keyboard player from the cutting crew would come in and play music, but he would never play I Just Died in Your Arms Tonight, which is obviously what you were hoping for, but he'd just play some tunes.

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And there was an astrologer who came in for three hours. What? One night. Three hours?

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An astrologer would do like a three-hour phone. Honestly, the phones went wild with that astrologer.

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Wow. There were some odd people who would call you, but you didn't have enough callers to like get rid of someone if they were mad.

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So, you know, you're doing a quiz and you'd say, you know, who's the secretary of state for the environment?

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And someone would say, you know, some politician. And I remember feeling Clapham going, what?

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That pedophile? And me being saying, well, I really should hang up on this person now, but I can't because there's no one to go to and I really need the company.

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What are Radio 2 playing? Radio 2 playing some nice hits at this, just some easy hits, I imagine, at this time.

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Yeah. But you know what, though, even though you were probably dying inside, there was probably somebody in Australia who was listening to you, hugely entertained, watching a dog shitting.

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You know? So. Yeah. I think I can think back and look back at that time in my career in a different light now.

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The best moment was, I think this might have been a breakfast show, but it was like a bank holiday.

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It was a three-hour all-speech phone-in and me and the co-host, no one's ringing. It's August.

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It's no one's ringing. So we're hammering these terrible text topics, like, you know, what's the biggest thing you've seen in Wandsworth?

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Oh, I don't know. No, I'll stop you there. That is a great topic. What's the biggest thing?

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Well, you'd have to qualify it by saying buildings aren't allowed. Yeah, of course. Aeroplanes and buildings.

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Other than modes of transit, biggest thing you've seen in Wandsworth. I can tell you my answer.

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The biggest thing I've ever seen in Wandsworth was, you know, the cart horse with it, because there used to be a brewery down there, didn't there?

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They did. And they had the traditional dre horses. If you could have phoned me up in 2006, this would have been very useful.

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But anyway, we're hammering the phone lines. We're hammering the phone lines. And then suddenly, you know, Faye in Chiswick's called, and she was a regular caller.

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We go, Faye's called in Chiswick. What do you want to say, Faye? And she goes, I don't know.

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You rang me. Brilliant. That is the bleakest line. Anyway, you put the dogs out.

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They do their business. We're back inside. Sorry. The Chiswick Roundabout, just off the Chiswick Roundabout, there's another brewery that also has the fullest brewery.

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And they still have the dre horses. You know what you should have been doing?

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It should have been cart horse watch. That's what it should have been. Sorry. Yes.

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So dogs are outside. Wife gets up to make the lunches for the kids. She's not well, Ross.

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She's not well. You should have left her in there and you should have done it all.

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I wanted her to stay there, but I am not allowed to, even if she's on her absolute deathbed, I am not allowed to prepare food for the children for their lunch.

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Was there an incident? There's never been an incident, but it's never gone well. And also the youngest one.

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So I've got two daughters. I've got a 12-year-old and a 16-year-old. And the 12-year-old had, she'd made the tea the night before.

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She'd made like some pasta. Half of it she'd saved for the next morning, but she'd put way too much garlic in it.

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Like crazy amounts of garlic. And it was in one of these, the thermal thing to keep it warm.

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Oh, yeah. As she was putting that into the thermal thing, it was basically a garlic grenade is what it was.

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It was this metal thing which just reeked of garlic. Like if blades had come anywhere near her, forget it.

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She would have just rolled it. And my wife came out and she just went, I'm sorry.

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I think there's too much garlic in that. Do you want a sausage roll for lunch?

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And she went, yeah, I'll have a sausage roll. Because you can't send that into, not at a French school for goodness sake.

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So that, she did the lunch. Then she went back to bed. Then I took the kids to school.

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Have you had any breakfast, Ross? Ross, you've eaten nothing? Oh, no, no, no. No, no, no.

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I'm saving that. I'm saving my, because I know I've got a lovely bit of porridge.

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Got a bit of porridge coming. I'm going to rush that down like I've got a job.

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I resent those adverts. You know when you see the adverts for the breakfast cereals and everyone's rushing around to get out the job?

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Nah, I'm having none of that. So drive the kids to school. And then I come back.

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And then I get the wife a cup of tea. And then I get a lovely bit of porridge.

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Whoa, stop the podcast. Take us through Ross Noble porridge. Sashay, water. And you sashay into the room.

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I do. I sashay into the room and make full chef-prepared porridge. Well, it looks like oh, nobody's getting himself a whole new toast.

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I'm just ripping open the sachet. I just pour that into the bowl. And then I add the water.

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Bang it in the microwave. A little bit of honey on the top there. I'm back to bed.

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I don't drink hot drinks traditionally. But I do a favourite. A mint tea. I'll have a mint tea.

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So I treat myself. Okay. Are there any blueberry? Are we putting anything in? In the mint tea?

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Are you mad? Are you sure? No. No flaxseed in the mint tea. Okay. It's just porridge and honey.

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And no milk. It's just a watery porridge. Okay. Oh, hang on. Did I add a bit of milk?

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Yes. Yeah, no, I did actually. Oh, there's me trying to be a man of the people.

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No. Yeah, I know. Turns out luxury lifestyle. Yes, I put some milk in and then got into bed.

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So you went back to bed? Yes. The wife's ill. It's a win-win. It's like she's not very well.

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So I'm back into bed. And then we sat in bed. And that's good because like I had sort of planned we were going to, we like to go out for a breakfast.

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We like to go, you know, when I'm not working. But I knew that I thought that's it.

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She's written off for the day here. So I thought I'm going to have to, if I'm going to spend any quality time with her, it's going to have to be in bed.

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Just that sounded wrong on every level. Got back into bed. And then she was reading.

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Oh, yeah. Actually, I made a note here. She was reading one of those magazines, right?

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You know, the, I don't know what they are. They're not like the. Fly fishing.

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Fly fishing monthly. Is it like pick me up? Is it a gossipy sort of?

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No, no, it's not. It's the one that basically costs more than a book. Glossy, right?

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Oh, glossy. Some sort of country thing, maybe like a country life. House and garden type thing.

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Yeah, maybe a country life, something like that, right? It was one of those fancy, like lifestyle-y type magazines.

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I wrote down the topics of conversation because she said to me, she goes, oh, there was two things, right?

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We talked about, so, you know, the Hottest 100. Yeah. We had the, this wasn't in the magazine.

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This was online. They had the 100 best songs, Australian songs of all time. Right. So we spent a bit of time guessing, like she would say.

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The voice, John Farnham. Exactly. The voice, John Farnham. Where do you think it is?

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I'm thinking four? No, 15. 15? That was a bit of fun. Wow. Where's Midnight Oil? Midnight Oil, several appearances, but again, not as high up as you would think.

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I'm going to put deceptively high in it. When I think about you, I touch myself.

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Divinals. The Divinals, yeah. I think they came in about 12. This is what we did for quite some time.

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It's a good game, isn't it? It is a good game, yeah. Is it Land Down Under?

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Is Land Down Under number one? No, not at all. Land Down Under, again, not as high up as you think.

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In Excess was number one. Meet you tonight. And the Veronicas, they were right up the top, you know, so.

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The theme from Bluey, did that make it in? Oh, it should do. It's good to dance to.

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Stephen Dennis, gotta make you feel good. Oh, gonna make you feel good. When you'll find somebody to love.

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What about Craig McLaughlin's Hey Mona? Hey Mona, tell you, Mona, what I'm gonna do.

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It's your soundtrack, Ross. On the back of the ute. Yeah. Fantastic. To the listeners, these are obscure hits by, I'd say, grade two Neighbours stars of the 90s.

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Oh, God. Stephen Dennis. He's an A-lister. You could go on. He's a Galactico. I could go on.

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Did Dr. Clive Gibbons release anything? He should have gone. I don't know. Can I point you towards the greatest TV clip of all time?

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If you go to the Logies, which are the Australian TV Awards, and if you put in Neighbours' 25-year celebration, the cast of Neighbours' name, the cast of Neighbours performed what can only it's a date?

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It's a date? And I went, yes, please. And we laughed for about an hour.

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And then he rang the producer and said, do you reckon Ian Smith would want to play Ross's lover?

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Contacted him. And to be fair to him, he said, as long as it's not homophobic, I'm in.

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Great. We rejoiced. And we said, it's his Pulp Fiction. It's Harold's Pulp Fiction. And hello.

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Hello. This is Jamie and young Willie Rushden, named after his grandfather. That's Ross Noble.

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Hi. Hi. Hello there. Yeah, likewise. Hi. Hi. I do. You're never that excited when you see David.

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I used to be in love with David. Yeah, of course. That's true. You used to be in love with David.

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Yeah, yeah, yeah. You learn a new pig every day? Well, he's just had his cucumber of the day.

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Oh, he's had his cucumber of the day. And now he's blowing up. No, he's blowing up.

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That is a very cute baby. Now, tell me. Yeah. When you see he's named after his granddad, are you the grandson of the Willie Rushden?

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No, but I said it in an interview once, and then it just became a thing.

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And then you're just like, it's quite nice. The idea that, you know, my whole career is based on what was a very good panelist on Through the Keyhole.

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Oh, yeah. Absolutely. You can't knock his work. So in my mind now, and the thing is, because now I've been doing this podcast a long time, and I talk about Willie in the sense I started to believe that his name is Willie and that

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he was actually his great-granddad is Willie Rushden, but not. I have to say this to Ross.

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I haven't thought of this. About five years ago in my show, there was a joke involving you, because I would say, it's going off backstage.

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Sure, the singer is there. You know, she's married to the comedian Ross Noble, and that's why she just uses her first name.

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And I would just leave it at that. And it was a nice one, because it would take maybe two seconds.

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I'm sure you've a better version of this joke, Ross. No, you've done it better.

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But yes, I have on many occasions made that particular. Sorry, I was just going to say, I watched a very good episode of Through the Keyhole recently.

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You know, one of the really old ones. And what's great about those old ones is the fact that you don't know who the people on the panel are, let alone the celebrities.

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And the houses that they were guessing was Lindsay DePaul and Magnus Pike. It was magnificent.

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It was on like Challenge TV. David Frost. Come on, Lloyd. Whose house are you in?

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And he's literally there. And Magnus Pike, bless him, his wife had obviously died. And he was, he should have been in a home.

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I love it. Like, annoyingly, I knew who Magnus Pike and Lindsay DePaul are. But I thought, imagine younger people flicking through the channels and going, so we've got a group of people that we don't know are guessing who lives in a house.

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And then even when they reveal, and for the people at home, here's whose house it is.

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Have you seen the greatest one of this? Have you seen it? I wonder if it will show up.

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I'll show it to you because I found it on Twitter. So Magnus Pike is an English nutritional scientist?

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Yes! Yes! Okay, let me play this to you. This is the greatest through the keyhole reveal.

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Who lives in a house like this? David, it's over to you. What does it say?

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It says, Ian and Shirley Richter, former Iraqi hostages. The clues are there, are they?

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Yes. Well, let's have a look at this radiator. There's a selection of handcuffs that have been put on there, obviously to make the people feel at home.

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Yeah, but let's not forget that back in the 1980s, there was a whole circuit of celebrity hostages.

25:49 - 25:54

I mean, Terry Witt. Do you remember Terry Witt? Of course, Terry Witt. He's the Galactico.

25:54 - 25:59

Oh, look, there's Terry Witt. Then there was John. What was the other guy? John McCarthy.

26:00 - 26:06

Well done. Yeah, John McCarthy, who, of course, the wife stood by him, came home, marriage split up.

26:07 - 26:16

I always thought that was a bit. But oh, God, yeah. Every other episode of Through the Keyhole, as soon as you saw the handcuffs on the radiator, you went, oh, this is a...

26:16 - 26:22

Not another one. Big Brother in the 80s, Celebrity Big Brother was just hostages going back into that environment.

26:22 - 26:26

Yeah. And then just going, this is worse. This is worse now when Davina sent me in this.

26:26 - 26:32

It was either Terry Witt, John McCarthy, handcuffs on the rear, or of course, boy George.

26:33 - 26:39

Yeah. Okay. So you're in bed, you're having your porridge. Yes. We're not racing through the day, I think it's fair to say.

26:39 - 26:47

We'll pick it up now. Nothing happened. Nothing happened. But then here's the other one I want to tell you about, because I wrote this down specifically.

26:47 - 26:54

First off, she said that in County Durham, she went, oh, look, in County Durham, up for sale, Oliver Cromwell's cottage.

26:57 - 27:08

Are you in? Well, here's the thing. That then set off another whole fun game, because to be honest, as soon as she said it, she didn't say it straight away.

27:08 - 27:12

She said it, and I thought she was saying it like she was, it was like an exclamation.

27:12 - 27:19

Like she'd gone, Oliver Cromwell's cottage. You know, it was like, good Lord. Good gracious, Lord Mayor.

27:19 - 27:25

Good gracious. Oliver Cromwell's cottage. You're never going to believe this. Midnight oiler only at number seven.

27:25 - 27:31

She never told me what position Joe Dolce showed up with your face. Is that Aussie?

27:31 - 27:37

Is that technically an Aussie hit? He's an Aussie star. Oh, sorry. So quickly, I was just to go back.

27:37 - 27:49

So if you look at that, Neighbours 25 years, Ian Smith, not to be confused with the excellent comedian Ian Smith in the UK, Ian comes out in full top hat and tails, white top hat,

27:49 - 27:56

and is a sort of ringmaster. And then halfway through, Mike comes out. He's only rapping.

27:56 - 28:05

Guy Pearce is rapping. No, Harold. Harold Bishop is. And he's there, he's going, oh, yeah, births, marriages, lots of deaths.

28:05 - 28:12

And the line that he finishes, he goes, every other time there's been a wedding, 15 neighbours are chilling up in heaven.

28:13 - 28:22

It's magnificent. Wow. I can't tell you how brilliant it is. Anyway, the point is, she says, Oliver Cromwell's cottage, Durham.

28:22 - 28:26

I say, how much is that then? How much do you reckon? Oliver Cromwell's cottage.

28:26 - 28:31

It's going to be big dough. Not a popular figure in Ireland, you'd have to say.

28:31 - 28:35

I was going to say that, yeah. Indirectly responsible for the death of a third of the population.

28:35 - 28:43

I would say 700 grand. I'll go 350. Oh, it's just like I've shown you the mystery house on escape to the country.

28:44 - 28:49

I'm loving it. Well, it is within your price range. David and I want different things.

28:50 - 28:55

He wants a games room. And I want a sauna. And I want somebody who doesn't appeal to the Irish.

28:57 - 29:09

450. 450, you can have Oliver Cromwell's. Has it been done up since the 1600s? I said to her, I said, I'm going to have to pass on that one up because if you Google Oliver Cromwell,

29:09 - 29:16

how I haven't been cast as him in a TV. I'm a dead ringer for Cromwell.

29:16 - 29:25

And I reckon that if I was coming out of that cottage and there was Irish people, even though time has passed, they might think wormhole in time.

29:26 - 29:36

Do you know what I'm saying? What if there was a NACAP gig? If there was a NACAP gig going on in Durham and I'm wandering out of me, cottage in me, in me plus fours,

29:36 - 29:42

you know, me pantaloons. I'm off to some sort of new romantics gig. NACAP or at the other thing.

29:42 - 29:47

Oh, it's Oliver. Anyway. And then she said this to me, right, which I thought was brilliant, right?

29:48 - 29:52

There's a house up for sale. This is, you know how they have the country house section, right?

29:52 - 30:01

Oliver Cromwell's cottage. I'm passing on that. Thanks. She says to me, right, I wrote this down because I thought she didn't know I was doing this podcast.

30:02 - 30:09

And I'm thinking anything she says, I'm having that, right? And she didn't disappoint. She said, look at this beautiful house.

30:10 - 30:16

I would happily live there, right? And I go, wow, that really is beautiful. And this is what she said to me.

30:16 - 30:21

She goes, because don't forget, she's not well, right? It's early in the morning. She's not fully awake.

30:22 - 30:29

She says, yes, it was refurbished and lived in by the guy from that band who looks like a monkey.

30:30 - 30:35

That's got to be, um... I'm not going to go Peter Reid. No, I'm going Stone Roses.

30:36 - 30:42

Ian Brown. Ian Brown from the Stone Roses. Ian Brown, the monkey man. And, well, you're in the right sort of era because obviously...

30:42 - 30:49

Is it Bez's house? Is it Bez's house? He's got a simian quality, but he's not full chimp, is he?

30:49 - 30:53

He's not the full... The charlatans looks like quite a good looking monkey. I see Tim Burgess.

30:53 - 31:01

That era. It's full of monkeys. You've hit the nail on the head. In the 90s, the guitar band Monkey Crossover was quite high.

31:01 - 31:08

It was Gaz from Supergrass. Of course. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Very monkey-like, isn't he? So, yeah, so...

31:08 - 31:13

You could be living in Gaz from Supergrass's house. Yeah, the trouble is, though, that there was too many hanging tyres.

31:17 - 31:23

Oh, no, I've made a terrible error here. Oh, that must have been earlier. Because the eldest daughter came in.

31:23 - 31:28

She's had a lovely haircut. She said, do you think that I look too much like Dora the Explorer?

31:29 - 31:44

And I said, well, I can't talk. I look like Oliver Cromwell. So the rest of the family, myself, the youngest child, and my wife, then sang the Dora the Explorer theme tune and danced like Boots the monkey.

31:45 - 31:51

Did that have a memorable theme tune? Dora, Dora, Dora the Explorer. Yeah, that's good.

31:54 - 32:01

Swiping or swiping? And Boots was her sidekick, as opposed to a sponsorship deal with a popular chemist in the UK.

32:01 - 32:06

You know, if only. If only it had been like, which way are we going to go?

32:07 - 32:15

Ask Boots. And there was just a man in a pharmacy just wondering, excuse me, I need some fungal foot cream.

32:15 - 32:25

And should I go to the gooey geyser? I'm confused here. Who did you drop to school if this third character has?

32:25 - 32:32

No, no, no, no, no, no. I literally, I looked at that and I realised, I made a note of the Dora the Explorer singing.

32:32 - 32:40

That had happened earlier. But we did take great delight. The whole family took great delight in singing the Dora the Explorer.

32:41 - 32:45

She was in good spirits about it because she brought it up. It's a fun family scene.

32:45 - 32:59

Look, I realise we need to press on here, but the number one, like reasonably obscure children's TV theme that I think of most days, I would say, is the short-lived,

32:59 - 33:04

I think it was called the Nessies. Oh, family Ness. Family Ness. Is that what it was called?

33:04 - 33:09

It's not short-lived. He goes on his bagpikes and the notes go floating, toting, hooting across the waves.

33:10 - 33:17

Ferocious Ness appears at once and grabs the notes up for his lunch. No. Well, where am I getting this from?

33:17 - 33:24

You can knock it, you can rock it, you can go to Timber too, but you'll never find a Nessie in the zoo.

33:24 - 33:31

That was the end credits. That was the end. Good. We've got the whole family Ness soundtrack.

33:32 - 33:38

Completists. It's the same way that Only Fools and Horses, two separate themes. One at the start, one at the end.

33:39 - 33:47

No, I would say, and this, again, if you're bored and you feel like a Google, I would point you towards Whizbit, remember the Paul Daniels?

33:47 - 33:51

Yeah. Ha ha, this away. Ha ha, this away. Ha ha, that away. Ha ha, this away.

33:51 - 33:56

My oh my. An original tune, you'd no doubt think. Paul no doubt would have written that.

33:56 - 34:02

Did Paul Daniels rip that off? Absolutely. It was- Was it Guns N' Roses? Yeah, that's right.

34:02 - 34:08

Yep. It was- It was Lead Belly. It was honestly, it was Lead Belly's hour.

34:08 - 34:15

Legendary Delta Bluesman, Lead Belly wrote the theme to Whizbit. Legendary wrote the theme to Whizbit.

34:15 - 34:21

Now on my mind is that Legendary Bluesman wrote all of the children's TV themes of our youth.

34:22 - 34:29

Robert Johnson wrote, You Can Knock It, You Can Knock It, You Can Rock It, You Can Go to Timbuktu.

34:30 - 34:37

Oh God. Well, of course, BB King did Super Ted. Let's not forget. Now, right.

34:37 - 34:43

You don't focus everyone. You're in bed. You're in bed. You've read the magazines. We've had the porridge.

34:43 - 34:47

Yeah, we've had the porridge. How long are we in bed for, Ross? God, how long have we been going?

34:47 - 34:52

I'm still not out of bed. Half, no, no, half nine. Half nine. Half nine.

34:52 - 34:56

Okay. So that's the best part of the day, Dan. Okay. So where do we go now?

34:56 - 35:01

Well, I had a bit of maintenance to do. I had to sort out the carpet.

35:01 - 35:09

I don't know what it's called. Between the carpet and the floorboards, you know, there's a thing in you sort of screwed down.

35:09 - 35:15

It's got pins in it. I'll be honest with you. I just saw your podcast award slipping away there.

35:16 - 35:24

Just three middle-aged men staring off into space going, I don't know what it's called, but it's there.

35:24 - 35:30

It's pretty racy for us, actually. I think gripper, it might be called, I'm going to call it, Edging Gripper.

35:30 - 35:36

No, the gripper. So it's a Grange Hill character. Edging Gripper. Have you been Edging Gripper?

35:37 - 35:44

Your carpet's become untethered at one place in the house, and it's caused, I'm going to say, a bump like a snake somewhere in the carpet.

35:45 - 35:50

Is that what's happened? No, you're thinking of the thing under the floor that spikes up.

35:50 - 35:57

I'm talking about, so there's the tiles. Her bathroom has got tiles, and then the bedroom itself has got carpet.

35:58 - 36:04

So there's a piece that goes right on the door between the tile and the carpet, but it's on the top.

36:04 - 36:12

Saddle board. That's the saddle board, I think. A saddle board? I think listeners can steam in now.

36:12 - 36:21

Listen, I'm not a professional carpet fitter, as was quite apparent. I was trying to sort it out, but I was trying to hit it, but worried that if I hit it too hard,

36:21 - 36:26

it would crack the tiles in the bathroom, and I'm not tiling. So I did that.

36:27 - 36:35

So then I had my second breakfast. Good. So basically, of a Monday, I like to go for my long run.

36:35 - 36:42

I like to drive out to the hills. Oh, yeah. If I'm at home. So I decided, I thought, well, I better fuel up.

36:42 - 36:49

I then had a bagel with some Nutella on it, get a bit of energy, all sugar, all carbs, ready for that.

36:49 - 36:55

And then the night before, I'm still allowed to talk about this because it was after midnight.

36:55 - 37:07

I'm calling it the Mogwai defense. I'll get a can of Coca-Cola out of the fridge, and I open it, and then I let it go flat overnight.

37:08 - 37:13

And what's the thinking here? That you don't want to burp while you're running then, so you'll just drink flat?

37:13 - 37:17

You don't want to be full of gas, but the Coca-Cola, it's got everything you need.

37:17 - 37:29

It's got everything you need. Even though I haven't had a Diet Coke for 10 years now because I was drinking so much of it, I had to go to a hypnotist to get hypnotized.

37:29 - 37:34

Did it work? Did it work? Paul McKenna got you off the Diet Coke? Absolutely.

37:34 - 37:41

Amazing. I'm clucking like a chicken and eating onions. Yeah, yeah. So I physically can't drink Diet Coke anymore.

37:41 - 37:54

So I've got my bagel. I've got my flat Coca-Cola. I've eaten the bagel. I've put the flat Coke, put that in the car, and then I'm off to take one of the dogs to the groomers.

37:55 - 37:59

Oh, yeah. So hang on. I thought you were going for a run. Yeah, he's carbon up before the run.

37:59 - 38:05

Yeah. But here's the thing about me, right? I'm using that to my advantage, right?

38:06 - 38:13

It's logistics. I'm thinking, right, I've got to run for two hours. So if I drop the dogs off, it's kind of on the way.

38:13 - 38:22

It's in the town. So I drop the dog off there and then dog's probably going to be two hours, two and a bit hours.

38:22 - 38:28

If I time this right, I can drive to the hills. I can run for two hours, get back to the car.

38:28 - 38:32

I can be back to the groomers around the time the dog needs picking up.

38:32 - 38:42

Wow, this is elite. It just adds an extra... Bit of jeopardy. Yeah, because I know that, like, if the wife rings me and says, dog's ready to be picked up,

38:42 - 38:48

and I'm an hour and a half, I'm still half an hour away from the car, I'm going to be playing the Mission Impossible music.

38:48 - 38:54

Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun. So chuck the dog in the car.

38:54 - 39:05

I go down to the groomers. I pull up outside the groomers. And I'll be honest with you, at this point, I thought to myself, oh, I'm doing that podcast tomorrow.

39:05 - 39:10

This is a thing. This is the first thing that registered as being a bit of fun.

39:11 - 39:16

You didn't think that when you debated as to what Australian songs should be in the Australian Hot 100.

39:17 - 39:20

You were like, we're going to talk about this for ages on the podcast tomorrow.

39:21 - 39:28

I'll be honest with you, as it was happening, I didn't think this will give us 48 minutes worth of chat.

39:29 - 39:37

How foolish I was. You were. What's the dog? What flavour is the dog? I thought you said, what's a dog?

39:38 - 39:42

It's like a cat. It's a base level podcast here. You have to explain everything.

39:42 - 39:54

That's why some episodes are quite long. That would be great. If that was, I'll be honest with you, and I'm not saying your format is thin, but honestly, I reckon,

39:54 - 39:59

given the thinness of your format, I reckon you two could do a podcast called What's a Dog?

40:01 - 40:08

This is like a max of four in the morning on Radio Lustiger trying to keep a caller on the line.

40:08 - 40:15

And for listeners who don't know, could you tell us what a dog is? Ring in and tell us what is a dog to you?

40:18 - 40:24

What sort of dog is it, Ross? What it is, it's the ultimate allergenic dog.

40:24 - 40:31

We've got a bearded collie, which basically, the bearded collies just look like me, and then this one is Oliver Cromwell.

40:32 - 40:42

Very much so. It's like a Labrador and a Poodle. They then had a Labradoodle and then it was like a Spaniel and a Cavapoo.

40:42 - 40:51

So it was basically the four parents are all hypoallergenic and then their offspring and then this dog is from those two.

40:52 - 41:00

It's like a Turducken. It's the Turducken of dogs. Absolutely. And it could commit a crime and you would find no DNA whatsoever.

41:00 - 41:03

A really long episode of Who Do They Think They Are? Wouldn't it? With this dog.

41:04 - 41:17

Just endless. The dog's crying. Oh, the dog's name, by the way. See if you can guess when, as a family, we'd gone through every possible name you could imagine and no one was getting anything.

41:17 - 41:25

Have a guess. Just before we got the dog, where do you think we were on holiday just before we got our dog, Baguette.

41:28 - 41:34

It's a good name for a dog. Yeah, but luckily, you know, shouting, Baguette! Baguette!

41:35 - 41:45

I took Baguette, I put her in the back of the car. So my car, the back of it has got like, you open the back door and it sort of opens towards you,

41:45 - 41:52

like a sort of a swing door. The glass kind of goes up. So basically, you open the bottom bit and the glass is still there.

41:52 - 42:04

There's just a swing door at the bottom and she decided before I opened the glass bit at the back, she decided she was coming out through the gap, if you like.

42:04 - 42:11

I'd left the lead on her. The lead had got tangled. I have two golf umbrellas in the back of my car.

42:11 - 42:17

Can I just stress, I do not play golf. They're a golf style umbrella. Okay.

42:17 - 42:22

They're parish. If the brakes fail on the car, he opens both the umbrellas and holds them at the windows.

42:23 - 42:30

That's now you talk. So I open that. The lead has become entangled with one of the umbrellas.

42:30 - 42:37

She's shot out the back of the car. The umbrella is attached to her. It's come straight out.

42:38 - 42:45

Whacked me in the plums. Oh, good. And I thought, there you go. That's not a day wasted.

42:45 - 42:52

I'm going to have a podcast tomorrow. Hits me right in the balls with the soft sponge of the handle of the umbrella.

42:53 - 42:58

If that had been the other way around. Wow. What an episode. Honestly, I would have been in the hospital.

42:58 - 43:07

There would have been testicle reconstruction surgery. I'm imagining, Russ, the pointy bit goes up your wang and then the umbrella fully opens.

43:08 - 43:15

So suddenly, you've got a full opened golf umbrella shoved up. The ultimate STI test, isn't it?

43:15 - 43:24

That really is. Straight through, out the arse, and then opens at the back. And then I would be staggering around like a satellite dish.

43:26 - 43:36

People could plug in and watch RTL or get the English commentary. We dropped the dog off.

43:36 - 43:42

Yes. And you've got two and a half hours. That's a very long run. I mean, I don't want to put pressure on this run.

43:42 - 43:51

That's the world marathon. That's 26 miles for Olympic marathon speed. So I've got to get to the hills and then I'm running.

43:51 - 43:57

I'm running for two hours. That's my allotted time that I'm going for. Now, here's the thing, right?

43:57 - 44:03

There was added time put on because where I'm running, there's a lot of elevation, right?

44:03 - 44:12

So it's a trail run. It goes through forests. There's sandy tracks. There's kind of, it curves around the side of the hills like goat tracks, you know?

44:12 - 44:17

Yeah, cool. It's beautiful. Absolutely beautiful. Almost like the sort of thing that you would like down.

44:18 - 44:35

There's a downhill mountain biking place. Like those sorts of tracks. So the bit that I run, so it's 28 kilometers from one, I live on a peninsula and it's 28 kilometers from one side of the peninsula to the other and the start of the trail closed, shocked.

44:35 - 44:45

Oh dear. They're doing drainage work on it. So that bit's closed. So I drove to a different bit and God, this is almost as interesting as the carpet reel, isn't it?

44:46 - 44:51

So I get down there, park the car and then boom, that's me. I'm off for two hours.

44:51 - 44:57

I run for an hour out and then, yeah, turn around, there's a lighthouse and I come back up.

44:58 - 45:06

So unfortunately, there's two hours of the, that'll save us a bit of time. No, but I've got some questions because this is the longest run we've had so far, I think,

45:06 - 45:10

in the series. Definitely. So my questions are one, do you have your Strava on?

45:10 - 45:17

Do you have the man saying one kilometer, kilometer achieved in five minutes and 21 seconds?

45:17 - 45:20

Or do you have him off? No, no. There's no one timing this, you're not judging it or anything?

45:20 - 45:27

I've got my watch on, but like, more for if I get lost. But no, I don't want a voice in my head.

45:27 - 45:34

And do you listen to music? It's tricky because if it had been, it was two hours this week, but next week it's two and a half and then, and then in another two,

45:34 - 45:38

it should be even longer. So that's kind of, you're getting the potted version here.

45:39 - 45:44

No, I'll tell you what I was thinking for most of it. I have these like, I know this is hard to believe, right?

45:44 - 45:56

But my brain likes to wander, right? I know it's hard to believe, but what I quite like about running is the fact that you sort of, it's kind of meditative.

45:57 - 46:04

And I'll tell you what I was thinking a lot. I started thinking about this and then my thoughts would go off and they would meander.

46:04 - 46:09

And then I'd be brought into the most, quite slippy. Oh, that's the other thing.

46:09 - 46:16

It was pissing rain, absolutely pissing rain. And I forgot my waterproof. So I was just wet.

46:16 - 46:28

But because of the incident with the umbrella, right? All I was thinking about for most of that run was, you would call it an umbrella, wouldn't you?

46:28 - 46:33

That's how you say it, umbrella. I'd say that. I'd say umbrella. But Rihanna, right?

46:34 - 46:43

She sings, you can stand under my umbrella. She says umbrella. Yeah. She does. Ella, Ella, umbrella, not umbrella.

46:44 - 46:53

So I thought about that for about 45 minutes. Well, it is. An awful lot of people say nuclear instead of nuclear.

46:53 - 47:01

There's a certain compulsion to put extra syllables into words. You know, George Bush always used to say nuclear war.

47:02 - 47:08

Yeah. Then the band Ash, they had that thing nuclear sounds, didn't they? There you go.

47:08 - 47:12

Well, that's my next run, fuck then, because that's all I'm going to be thinking about on that one.

47:12 - 47:22

So what I'm imagining on this run is it's Prince of Persia, basically, where you're leaping over boxes where swords come up through the bottom of it.

47:23 - 47:27

Do you have a rifle in your hands, a sword maybe that you're waving as you run?

47:27 - 47:32

I was more in a predator mood yesterday. I was more in a sword. Don't say that, Ross.

47:32 - 47:39

Don't say that. Yeah. I've made a terrible error there. No, I was Arnie. I wasn't the actual predator.

47:39 - 47:47

Right. Got it. Okay. Yeah. You with me? And do you enjoy it? Because I find running, so I do five kilometers and as soon as it says five kilometers, I stop and I'm surprised I'm not dead.

47:47 - 47:52

Right. I love it, but I appreciate that it's good for you, but you get real pleasure from doing it.

47:52 - 47:58

Love it. Absolutely love it. Yeah. I got into the ultra thing, you know, like, so this time last year I did my first ultra.

47:59 - 48:04

106 kilometers I ended up doing, so, you know. And so how long does that take?

48:04 - 48:16

You run for 20 hours or something? Endure 24, so it's a 24 hour, basically an eight kilometer loop, and you just bang, off you go, and then you just do loops for as long,

48:16 - 48:25

you can do as long as you want. I built up to doing a hundred kilometers, but because it's an eight kilometer loop, I got to 98 and realized that I had to do another loop,

48:26 - 48:32

stuck it to 106. And does anybody, like, do you jog past anyone and they go, that's, is that Ross Noble?

48:32 - 48:37

Because I just wouldn't imagine you would be doing ultra, if I was doing an ultra marathon, I'd be surprised that you ran past me.

48:37 - 48:43

Is that your way of saying I look like a lazy fat bloke? Well, I suppose yes.

48:44 - 48:54

Yes. Well, that's what I quite like about it is the fact that, yeah, with those long runs, you're just eating loads of food, you're just fueling all the time.

48:54 - 49:01

Oh no, no, I do get that a lot, especially when I sort of, like when I pop out in a clearing somewhere, you're out of context.

49:01 - 49:09

People say it to me all the time, this bloke said to me, he's with his wife and he turned around to me and he went, he said, you don't look like a runner.

49:10 - 49:13

He said, you don't look like a man who can attract a wife, but you know, here we are.

49:14 - 49:18

Yeah. Even when I'm really fat, I can run for a long time, you know.

49:18 - 49:22

So if you want to go fast, then you've got to trim down a bit, but yeah, I just love it.

49:22 - 49:28

I love the fact that it's, I used to do 24 hour dirt bike racing, you know, like enduro.

49:28 - 49:35

Yeah. I've just had that sort of thing where I go, if I want to do it, I'll just do it for ages, but you must find out with the bikes.

49:35 - 49:39

You jump on a bike and you know, you can ride all day if you're enjoying it, can't you?

49:39 - 49:50

Yeah. You can decide how much, what speed to go at. And if you just kind of pick your own speed, because you're not burning that much, you're not running out of energy or anything.

49:50 - 49:59

You can ride at a very low speed for 10 hours. But the hundred kilometers thing, that is unbelievable, Ross.

49:59 - 50:09

Wow. But it's weirdly, it's easier running for, that's why I don't go, I don't go, I'm going to run 10 K or five.

50:09 - 50:13

I literally go right today. I'm going to run for four hours or two hours or whatever happens to me.

50:13 - 50:20

Yeah. So it's all about the time. Keep my heart rate up, you know, you don't want your heart rate dropping too low, but no, it's weirdly, it's easier.

50:21 - 50:32

If I try and run a really fast 5K or, you know, if you are doing like a, a really fast marathon, that would be harder than running a longer distance,

50:32 - 50:39

you know? So, um, is the dog ready when the very wet Oliver Cromwell returns to pick it up?

50:40 - 50:44

Yeah. I couldn't believe me. Look, I got back to the car and I was soaking.

50:44 - 50:51

I was absolutely soaking and I parked my car in a sort of a, I'll call it a clearing in my head.

50:52 - 50:58

That was the chopper, right? There's the chopper landing site. Yeah. So I'm running up this hill.

50:58 - 51:09

I get up there. There was a couple of youths because out there, like out in the hills, it's a place where I don't know if it's drug taking or dogging or what,

51:09 - 51:17

I don't know what they're up to. Yeah. So I, I emerge out into the clearing and two cars, they're gone.

51:17 - 51:25

They're just off, straight away. Don't know what they were up to, but I just thought, aye, aye, something's happening here.

51:25 - 51:31

I'm absolutely piss wet through. It's just ironic because I've got two umbrellas in the back of that car.

51:32 - 51:42

Two of the bastards. My friend was recently in the large public park in Dublin, the Phoenix Park recently.

51:42 - 51:50

I won't say her name, but, you know, it's three and a half thousand acres and there was a clearing area and I think she'd been up all night.

51:50 - 52:04

Anyway, she just decided to squat down and have a little wee. Lovely. And this is at like five in the morning and immediately two sets of headlights came on in a car park and someone just shouted over,

52:04 - 52:16

are you involved in this? And she just said, no! And they went, okay! And the lights just went off and she just finished the wee and walked the rest of the way home.

52:16 - 52:22

So I've done a, I've done a big gel. So I'm classing that as my lunch.

52:22 - 52:28

I've done a, I think you're talking about a shit there. What a horrible term for a shit.

52:28 - 52:36

What an awful, awful term. I've squeezed out a performance gel. So I get in the car, text the wife.

52:36 - 52:42

I say, have you heard from the groomers? Is the dog ready? Hasn't heard anything, right?

52:42 - 52:48

So I'm thinking, I'm just going to turn up, take me chances. Timing's going to be perfect here.

52:48 - 52:54

It's going to be great. You know what? You've preempted me there. I literally, I drove up, dripping wet.

52:55 - 53:00

And I walked in and she went, Oh, I've been chatting. I forgot to text to say that the dog was ready.

53:00 - 53:05

I'll get her now. Swipe me card. Dog gets in the back of the car.

53:05 - 53:13

Bosh. I'm home. Couldn't have worked out. If it had been next week when I was doing a longer run, whole thing would have, game over.

53:13 - 53:21

Forget it. Question. Question. What does it cost to groom the Labradoodle Spaniel? Right. This does not reflect well on me.

53:21 - 53:27

Right. Okay. This does not reflect well on me. You haggled. You haggled down viciously.

53:27 - 53:38

I'm not paying that. Yeah. Yeah. Look, I know people are struggling and I know, you know, there's cost of living crisis.

53:38 - 53:48

Oh no. $28,000. Which is what my other dog cost me when it got sick and it went to the dog hospital.

53:48 - 53:52

Yeah. And they kept saying, do you want to keep it in for another night?

53:52 - 53:57

Two grand a night. Turns out the insurance stops paying when you get to 12 grand.

53:57 - 54:04

Basically what they're saying is, would you like us to kill your dog? And you know, look, I'm ashamed to admit it.

54:05 - 54:12

She put the card machine there. I tapped the card. I did not look at the price.

54:13 - 54:17

If it had been really big, you'd have to put the card in. So it can't have been really big.

54:17 - 54:28

That's true. Oh yeah. I wonder what is the limit? $100 in Australia, maybe she had also just finished shaving your face, Ross, in the side of the dog as well.

54:28 - 54:36

So it was a fairly elaborate job that she did. I think about a hundred, maybe a hundred and something dollars, something like that.

54:36 - 54:43

You're wet. Wet. Wet through. Do you feel uncomfortable? Oh, hugely. The upholstery was a mess.

54:43 - 54:51

It was ridiculous. It was like, I've got to, ironically, like if anyone got in the car and they'd be like, Oh, it's like a wet dog.

54:52 - 54:56

The dog's looking the best it's ever looked. Sat in the back with the two umbrellas.

54:56 - 55:02

You should be in the boot, shouldn't you? And the dog should be driving. Because the track was really muddy as well.

55:02 - 55:06

My feet were covered in mud. I'd flick mud up the back of my legs.

55:07 - 55:11

Ah, it was a joke. It was an absolute joke. Are you tempted to go tops off driving?

55:11 - 55:19

Because it is a thing you see occasionally with like cyclists who get very wet, them driving through town, then basically in the nude.

55:19 - 55:30

Nobody wants to say that because again, like you say, if I pull up at a traffic light and somebody looks across and goes, do you think that's who I think it is?

55:30 - 55:39

And they go, he seems to be naked. And then there is a Facebook group about how he is admitted to being a predator.

55:40 - 55:43

I don't want to cause that sort of problem. We're home and it's, what are we?

55:44 - 55:54

Three o'clock? Where are we at? Three o'clock? Yes. Yeah. Three. Because I had made myself some chicken legs and some chicken drumsticks and some veg.

55:55 - 55:59

I'd made that the previous night. That was going to be my dinner when I got home.

56:00 - 56:06

Yeah. It would have been three because I got back and then had a quick, no, no, I didn't get a shower.

56:06 - 56:10

Why did I not get a shower? I was wet. I told myself. You need a shower.

56:10 - 56:17

Yeah. Yeah. But I'd been sweating, but I'd also been getting rained on. And then, yeah, got back at three.

56:17 - 56:31

And then something, right. So there was some confusion because I was going to go and pick the girls up from school, half three, but we didn't know whether or not the youngest one had an afterschool activity.

56:31 - 56:38

She did, but we didn't know if she'd remembered. We hadn't reminded her. So we're going, does she want picking up?

56:38 - 56:43

Does she not want picking up? The eldest one, she wanted to go to the village with her friends.

56:43 - 56:52

Right. So there was a lot of confusion there. And this was the point where I was said to my wife, did you book for after school?

56:53 - 57:00

The little Italian fellow around the corner who does clothing alterations. Cause I bought, right.

57:00 - 57:06

I bought a suit, right. I bought a purple suit from the TV series, Gotham.

57:06 - 57:16

Right. Wow. But the trousers, I wanted the trousers taken in and my daughter wanted a dress for her school do.

57:16 - 57:21

She wanted that taken in. And I said, Oh, let's not go to somewhere high street.

57:21 - 57:28

Let's go. There's a sign up around the corner. Harry, he does clothing alterations in his house.

57:28 - 57:34

And I thought, yeah. Yeah. And I said, book that in. Right. Knowing I'd be coming on this podcast.

57:35 - 57:41

Right. Right. I said, did you book the, I thought I'm already, I'm dressing as the Joker as we speak.

57:41 - 57:47

We're getting ready. Did you book in the tailor? No. Okay. I said, I really wanted to do that.

57:47 - 57:51

She went, we'll just do it tomorrow. And I went, I really wanted to do it today.

57:51 - 58:13

And she went, why? I'm doing a podcast tomorrow about today. And if we go to an old man's house and I'm dressed as the Joker, that's going to be a thing.

58:13 - 58:18

Yeah. I couldn't bring myself to see it. No, we understand. That's okay. And I said, did you book that?

58:18 - 58:22

She said, no. So at this point I was a bit miffed. I went, Oh, great.

58:23 - 58:27

The disappointing thing is that we also are recording with the old Italian man today.

58:27 - 58:31

Yeah. We just did it. And nobody went to his house. To get an alteration.

58:32 - 58:36

We could have done with one customer. I was just a city there all the day.

58:36 - 58:44

Just waiting for the doorbell. Yeah. So, and I went, I'll be honest. I went, Oh, great.

58:45 - 58:49

And she went, what's up with you? Right. Like I was sulking. It's not a domestic.

58:49 - 58:56

Yeah, it did. Because of us. Because of this podcast. She went, well, why can't you just do it tomorrow?

58:56 - 59:02

I went, well, I could. I mean, it's fine. We'll just do it tomorrow. And she was like, why are you so shitty about this?

59:02 - 59:08

And you know what? I tell my wife everything, right? We have no secrets, right?

59:08 - 59:13

Me and my wife. Apart from this recording today. This is the only thing that I've kept from my wife.

59:14 - 59:19

And not because, it's because I just went, you're a child. You're an absolute child.

59:19 - 59:24

Because I thought we'll go to an old man's house. Today, we went and did it.

59:24 - 59:28

Oh my God. You could have got four hours out of what happened with her.

59:28 - 59:39

Not relevant. Yeah, we can't. What I would have liked, I mean, I don't want to say I'm disappointed, but my hope for the day we're covering here is, she goes,

59:39 - 59:45

because you're being so weird. She goes, all right, then we're getting a divorce. And the lawyer is here.

59:45 - 59:50

The lawyer is like, Ross, why are you acting so weird? And again, you just can't say it.

59:50 - 59:58

So it's this podcast destroys your life. No, but actually, and look, I'm a glass of a full kind of guy.

59:58 - 1:00:08

I reckon the difference there is, is that if that had happened, then technically, even though I wanted to do this podcast, because I thought it would be fun.

1:00:08 - 1:00:16

Technically, I could argue that it was for business. And therefore I could write all the legal fees for the divorce.

1:00:17 - 1:00:23

I would have gone, yes, you can have a divorce, but it must be completed by 12 o'clock.

1:00:25 - 1:00:33

It's like the sequel of Brewster's millions, isn't it? Yeah. You have to get divorced, but the clock's ticking, signing all the forms.

1:00:33 - 1:00:47

You're working out who gets the kids. Max, this has opened a huge wormhole in our podcast now, as in, is everything that anyone has, when Amy Gladill talks about having a bed where a TV just rises from the end of it,

1:00:47 - 1:00:53

and then while she's watching it, gets like a Dyson hairdryer and holds it under the sheets to wash it.

1:00:54 - 1:01:00

She can write all of that off now. That's why people are coming to this podcast, to just write off kids.

1:01:02 - 1:01:06

I'm looking around the room here to see if there's anything that I can hold up.

1:01:07 - 1:01:12

Right. So where are we now? You're in a mood. Your wife doesn't understand why you're in a mood.

1:01:12 - 1:01:16

You've got a giant suit on. Yeah. Now, she's feeling a bit better at this point.

1:01:17 - 1:01:25

So I'm saying, right, I've got to go and pick up the kids, but I've run out of time now because this weird situation has taken up a bit of time.

1:01:25 - 1:01:30

So I now haven't had time for a shower and I haven't had time to eat me drumsticks.

1:01:31 - 1:01:36

Right. I would also say that I've just run for two hours with only a gel.

1:01:36 - 1:01:43

So I was probably a little bit hangry at the same time. Yeah. She's going, why are you being such a dick?

1:01:44 - 1:01:48

I can't tell her. So I say, okay, well, listen, let's go for a walk.

1:01:48 - 1:01:54

Walk the other dog because he hasn't been out and the other one's going to be tired from the grooming.

1:01:54 - 1:02:05

So she's like, brilliant. We'll go for a walk, but the clock's ticking. Yeah. So what we decide to do is we decide to pick up the first child, take the dog with us,

1:02:05 - 1:02:11

and then we'll take the child for a walk with the dog. Then we'll go back and get the second child.

1:02:11 - 1:02:15

Chuck the dog in the back of the car. Now we go in her car.

1:02:15 - 1:02:23

I have put the dogs in the umbrella section. Yeah. Or the umbrella section, as Rihanna calls it.

1:02:23 - 1:02:31

More umbrellas. The nobles surrounded by umbrellas at all times. At all times. It's like some kind of Peking dance concert.

1:02:33 - 1:02:41

It's like the start of Temple of Doom. It's the song from Mary Poppins where they all just suddenly fly off of their umbrellas.

1:02:41 - 1:02:48

100%. So we drive to the school. It's pissing rain again, right? The child gets in the car.

1:02:48 - 1:02:53

We're not walking in this, right? And then I say, right? She's sad. The kid's sad.

1:02:53 - 1:03:02

She hasn't had a good day. So I say, here's what we'll do. Now, where we live, the nearest Starbucks is about 20 kilometers away.

1:03:02 - 1:03:06

But the youngest child, the 12 year old, she loves a Starbucks, right? Loves a Starbucks.

1:03:06 - 1:03:17

Now I had spotted going about me errands. I had spotted that about 10 minutes drive away, they'd just opened a new Starbucks drive through.

1:03:18 - 1:03:24

Right? So she's had a bad day. I've kept this in my head, right? I've thought, I'm not just going to drop this one.

1:03:24 - 1:03:27

This I'm storing this up for when it needs. And I went, well, guess what?

1:03:27 - 1:03:38

There's only a Starbucks 10 minutes drive away. Boom. We're off. So we head to the Starbucks drive through and they've had to shut early.

1:03:38 - 1:03:45

They've got paper signs. Oh no. And it's on the drive through. Sorry, we have had to close early.

1:03:45 - 1:03:54

Right? And my wife jokingly, I like to think jokingly, she goes, this is all your fault.

1:03:54 - 1:04:01

You've ruined everything. Oh no. So we turn around, we head back to the school to pick the eldest one up.

1:04:02 - 1:04:07

Now at this point, I am so cold and wet that I'm thinking I'm having a bath here.

1:04:07 - 1:04:10

Right? I'm going to have a bath when I get to them. Right? Yeah. Yeah.

1:04:10 - 1:04:14

Good stuff. So I say, can we just nip into the shop so I can just grab a few bits and bobs?

1:04:14 - 1:04:19

And I wanted some gravy because I knew them chicken legs. They're still occupying me head.

1:04:19 - 1:04:24

Rihanna's gone. Chicken legs are in there thinking I'll get a bit of gravy for them.

1:04:25 - 1:04:34

Bath. Gravy. Chicken legs. Yes, please. It's all formulated. Sorry, Ross. Just where my mind's just gone here is you're in the bath.

1:04:34 - 1:04:40

You're so hungry and confused. You just throw the chicken legs in the bath and you start to spray.

1:04:40 - 1:04:47

Strickle gravy all over it. So you're effectively casseroling yourself. Sounds like Henry VIII. So Henry VIII would do that.

1:04:48 - 1:04:52

What would be beautiful about that is you're delirious. You're in a bath of gravy.

1:04:52 - 1:04:57

And then two of the chicken legs would just rise up and you would think they were your legs.

1:04:57 - 1:05:03

And you'd look down and you'd think you have tiny little legs and that would make me, no feet, but that would make me happy.

1:05:03 - 1:05:13

So then the whole family, well, my wife and the youngest daughter then start having a go at me because we've got this fancy bath, right?

1:05:13 - 1:05:23

Now this kicked off what I'm going to call the backlash against me, right? This is how you strap in part two of the dish.

1:05:23 - 1:05:27

Okay. There was a backlash. So I said, I want to nip in there, right?

1:05:27 - 1:05:42

I went in and I got my gravy pouch. That's not a euphemism. I got my gravy pouch and I come out of the shop and the youngest, the 12-year-old sees that I have purchased some radox powder, right?

1:05:42 - 1:05:48

And she is furious. And she turns around and she goes, that's not going in our bath, right?

1:05:48 - 1:05:53

Oh, right. Because we've got this fancy bath. Now bear in mind, right? This is a bath.

1:05:53 - 1:06:07

It comes from France. It's an antique bath that comes from France to Australia. I was the one that loaded it on my own using nothing more than a tractor onto the back of a pickup truck.

1:06:08 - 1:06:15

I drove it to the enamelers, got it enameled, right? On my own. It was like I was doing a wheelie going there.

1:06:15 - 1:06:20

So I've put the effort in to get this bath enameled, right? And now the two of them.

1:06:20 - 1:06:25

And it's the fact that radox is going to ruin us. Surely the enamel can withstand radox.

1:06:25 - 1:06:33

That's what I was saying. Radox is a reputable company known for their bath. Anyway, they don't like the smell of it, right?

1:06:33 - 1:06:37

They don't like the smell of it. They say they can have lush products in there.

1:06:37 - 1:06:42

This is bullshit. Some salts. This is bullshit. This podcast is brought to you by radox.

1:06:42 - 1:06:49

I thought you got the bath from France. He imported us. You put it on the back of a tractor and then drove it.

1:06:49 - 1:06:54

No, no, no. No, it was important. Crossed the boss for us. Okay, right. It came in a shipping container.

1:06:55 - 1:07:03

Right. So anyway, so now, right, the backlash has happened. Now, I'll be honest. As soon as my 12-year-old started going, you're not having, you are not having radox in that bath.

1:07:03 - 1:07:12

You are not having radox in that bath. My wife piles on because she's still obviously a bit salty because of the whole, why are you kicking off about the whole Taylor situation?

1:07:12 - 1:07:16

Oh, yeah, yeah. And it's entirely me. You're up against it. It's me being a dick.

1:07:16 - 1:07:24

So what I'd done is I'd bought radox salts, but I'd also bought the radox, you know, the gel that you pour in.

1:07:24 - 1:07:28

Yeah. Because I knew that if I left the bag unattended, they would hide the salts.

1:07:29 - 1:07:36

I've still got the gel. Ah, yes. Yeah. So I've shoved the gel down my arse crack so they can't see it, right?

1:07:37 - 1:07:41

And I was a bit uncomfortable because obviously I'm, and she's going, what's up with you?

1:07:41 - 1:07:50

And like, I'm going, oh, nothing, nothing. It's fine. And she's going, you can't kick off because, so she now thinks that I'm being weird because I've been told I can't put the salts in the bath.

1:07:51 - 1:07:55

Right? So this is all, anyway. It's like the world's least dangerous prison, isn't it?

1:07:55 - 1:08:06

Where people smuggle nice shower gels up their backside. Well, me gravy powder's alexical. So I've now got, we're heading to the school.

1:08:06 - 1:08:17

The little one's in the back. The dog sat on the back seat. Now the 16-year-old, she will not get in the back of the car with the dog, right?

1:08:17 - 1:08:20

She's going to want to sit in the front. But you've got the radox up your arse, right?

1:08:21 - 1:08:28

Exactly. The dog can smell it. He can smell it. He knows something's wrong. He knows what I'm up to, you know.

1:08:28 - 1:08:34

And so she goes, we pull up outside the school. She says, you'll have to get in the back.

1:08:34 - 1:08:43

So I've now got to get out of the passenger side door and into the back of the car with the dog, radox, like clenched between my arse cheeks.

1:08:43 - 1:08:51

I get in the back. And in the time it's taken me to get in the back, the 12-year-old has climbed through and she sat in the front.

1:08:52 - 1:08:58

So she's taken the front seat. So now the eldest one, who is definitely going to kick off about being in the back.

1:08:59 - 1:09:04

So I know there's going to be an argument. So I'm sitting there. I'm on one side.

1:09:04 - 1:09:09

The dog's in the middle. The 16-year-old, she opens the door. She gets into the car.

1:09:09 - 1:09:14

And this is the point where I argue that I was full Rodney Dangerfield, no respect, right?

1:09:15 - 1:09:20

She gets into the car and she goes, oh, great. I've got to sit in the back with the dogs.

1:09:21 - 1:09:33

I'm a father. It's one dog and her father. And she just has looked and just assumed that it's just the two of them and the two dogs in the back.

1:09:33 - 1:09:39

And I went, I'm your father. And she went, oh, like that, as if to go, oh, right, okay, it's you, is it?

1:09:40 - 1:09:47

So we go home. I'm still soaking. The Redox slides down my trousers. I've got to hide that.

1:09:48 - 1:09:55

I leave the Redox powder on the side, right? Sure enough, already, boom, I notice it's already gone.

1:09:56 - 1:10:03

It's been hidden. All of the weirdness that's happened up to this point. I'm now happy again because I'm getting it over on the chair, right?

1:10:03 - 1:10:09

So my wife goes, oh, actually, it's stopped raining. Let's go for that walk now, right?

1:10:09 - 1:10:15

Oh, no. Yeah, exactly. But it's good, you know, she's not being well. So I'm thinking, brilliant, we'll get out walk.

1:10:15 - 1:10:21

So then as a family, we then go for a walk with the dogs. We come back.

1:10:21 - 1:10:29

Now, at this point, I am just, now bear in mind, so far today, I've had the bagel, single bagel, Nutella.

1:10:30 - 1:10:38

A gel. A gel and some porridge. I've run nonstop for two hours and I've walked a dog and I'm damp.

1:10:38 - 1:10:44

So I was pretty hungry at this point. And I thought, you know what? Bath time, right?

1:10:44 - 1:10:48

Yeah, great. I pull out my secret Redox, pour it in a bath. I get in the bath.

1:10:49 - 1:10:55

Solid. Ross fills the entire bath with Redox. No water whatsoever. I could barely sink into it.

1:10:55 - 1:11:02

Just flooring. I was like Stallone in Demolition Man when he's naked in that round thing.

1:11:03 - 1:11:07

So I'm in the bath. I'm lying in the bath. I've got podcasts on. Wonderful.

1:11:07 - 1:11:12

Absolutely wonderful. What have you got on? The War Game. Yeah. Do you know this one?

1:11:12 - 1:11:19

No. Is it history? No, it's Sky News. She's like their chief military correspondent from Sky.

1:11:19 - 1:11:23

It's with Tortoise. It's brilliant. What they've done is they've taken all of these politicians.

1:11:24 - 1:11:29

There's Ben Wallace, who used to be the defense secretary. You've got Jack Straw, Amber Rudd.

1:11:29 - 1:11:37

And then they've got these experts on Russia. They do a war game exactly like they would do as planning for if the Russians attack.

1:11:37 - 1:11:44

In a Cobra meeting or whatever. Right. Exactly. Yeah. And there's an academic who's worked out the different steps.

1:11:44 - 1:11:51

And you're just listening to how it would escalate, what capabilities they've got. I'm not going to lie to you.

1:11:51 - 1:11:57

It's probably one of the most middle-aged men things I've ever done. Listen to that.

1:11:58 - 1:12:03

Then I get out. Now, here's the thing, right? They knew. Oh, well, did they know?

1:12:03 - 1:12:09

Did they know? Because I had the chicken legs and because I got the gravy, they've gone rogue.

1:12:09 - 1:12:16

They've already had their dinner. Right? So I come out. I'm feeling great now. They're halfway through.

1:12:16 - 1:12:20

They're tea. Didn't wait for me. But to be honest, it's chicken legs. I know they're in there.

1:12:20 - 1:12:25

I couldn't be more excited for me chicken legs. I got me little pouch of gravy.

1:12:25 - 1:12:33

Do you feel, having had this tremendous bath and listened to war, do you wash down the bath?

1:12:33 - 1:12:38

So if the detectives come in afterwards, see, this is what the listeners were thinking.

1:12:38 - 1:12:47

So you can't be sussed afterwards for having used the secondary secret radox you'd secreted up your butt.

1:12:47 - 1:12:56

I did that whole bath. Yeah. I like it was a crime scene because I knew if there was a single sud, I'd never hear the end of it.

1:12:56 - 1:13:01

Yeah. I had like a black light and everything. I completely forgot. I missed it out.

1:13:01 - 1:13:07

I wrote this down as well. Just before the bath, I did watch a bit of Tipping Point.

1:13:07 - 1:13:17

Okay. Good, good. And I'll tell you why. And why not? Because my favourite thing, and my wife and I normally do it together, and I heartily recommend you do this.

1:13:17 - 1:13:26

Not when the children are around, but it's a wonderful, wonderful, because over here, they play the British Tipping Point and then the Australian Tipping Point.

1:13:26 - 1:13:33

So you get double whack at this. Here's what you do. You pick a player that you like the look of, that you want to win.

1:13:34 - 1:13:39

You're on their side, right? And we do this, and it's one of the most wonderful things you can do.

1:13:40 - 1:13:47

You sit there, and you really enthusiastically support that player, right? So you're watching the Tipping Point.

1:13:47 - 1:13:51

Come on, Carl. Come on, come on, Carl. You can do it. You can do it, Carl, right?

1:13:51 - 1:13:59

But what you also do is you slam the opponent. You like the most grudge.

1:13:59 - 1:14:15

You effing piece of shit. Carl's going to take you down. But then when your player just makes even the smallest mistake, and because it's random with the machine, you shout obscenities at the screen.

1:14:16 - 1:14:21

So I'll be sitting there. The thing will come to do, do, do, do, and it'll be on the edge, and it doesn't fall.

1:14:21 - 1:14:27

You fucking piece of shit, Carl. What the fuck is wrong with you? Oh, my God.

1:14:27 - 1:14:38

It's one of my favourite things, like the worst soccer dad standing on the chair, like screaming, for fuck's sake, of course it was gone with the wind, you.

1:14:38 - 1:14:42

But you can't do that when the kids are in the house, obviously. So I get out of the bath there.

1:14:43 - 1:14:49

Now, ah, the backlash occurred, right? Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, God. The backlash continues, right?

1:14:49 - 1:14:59

They're clearing up after dinner, and I'm there thinking, right, I've had my bath. I've sworn at a woman called Elaine on the TV.

1:15:00 - 1:15:08

Yeah. I've listened to my podcast. This is magnificent. I'm thinking chicken legs, gravy pouch, beautiful.

1:15:08 - 1:15:15

Then my wife turns around and she goes, who's marked this bench? Shit. We've got this bench, right?

1:15:16 - 1:15:30

Now, my argument is, if you're going to have a kitchen bench, right? Yeah. Maybe get one that you can put hot things on, that you can put things that might stay in it, right?

1:15:31 - 1:15:36

Basically, this bench, you can't put anything on it. You can't put anything hot on it.

1:15:36 - 1:15:41

You can't put anything that stains. And there was a little, tiny little red mark like that.

1:15:41 - 1:15:46

And she went, who's done this, right? The kids straight away, oh, that'll be dad, right?

1:15:47 - 1:15:53

Because I've got this bottle, right? I've got this bottle, and I like to fill it up with a bit of fizzy water.

1:15:53 - 1:15:58

I pop a little bit of cranberry juice in the bottom, concentrate. Yeah. Lovely, right?

1:15:58 - 1:16:04

Refreshing. Straight away, the kids go, that'll be his cranberry juice. And I swear to God, it wasn't.

1:16:05 - 1:16:09

And she went, that's your bloody cranberry juice, that is. And it's stained the bench.

1:16:09 - 1:16:19

I went, that'll come off. Out comes the scrubber. I'm not joking. For nearly an hour, she's scrubbing the thing, going, this isn't coming off.

1:16:19 - 1:16:23

This isn't coming off the bench, right? This is not coming off the bench. And I went, you know what?

1:16:23 - 1:16:27

Let me do that, right? Let me do it, because I think she'll walk away.

1:16:27 - 1:16:36

She's not walking away. The whole family stood around and watched me trying to get this bloody cranberry juice thing off, right, for ages.

1:16:36 - 1:16:41

And then it got to the point where the kids then start singing the songs of ABBA.

1:16:42 - 1:16:48

So now I'm hungry. Fair enough, I'm not cold anymore. All I'm thinking about is my chicken legs.

1:16:48 - 1:16:53

I want to get cracking on them. The gravy pouch is sat there. I've just done a big run.

1:16:53 - 1:16:59

I'm knackered. They're bloody chicka-ticka in my face. There's got to be a life hack.

1:16:59 - 1:17:05

There's got to be, like, you put lemon juice on it or something. 100%. I went, I'll Google this.

1:17:05 - 1:17:12

And she went, well, it's not going to come off, is it? In the end, I got out, you know the Dremel multi-tool?

1:17:13 - 1:17:18

The Dremel is, it's like a drill, but it's got spinning heads on it. Okay.

1:17:18 - 1:17:27

Like, it grinds, it polishes, it cuts, right? So I get my Dremel out. It's a Ryobi, but I'm using Dremel as a generic name.

1:17:27 - 1:17:33

And I start spinning it. I say, I reckon we can polish it out with this, right?

1:17:33 - 1:17:38

Now, in my head, I'm thinking this could ruin this bench. Yeah, that's what I'm thinking.

1:17:38 - 1:17:45

And she went, that might work. So I hand her the Dremel and I went, good luck.

1:17:50 - 1:17:59

So we had this recently with a toxic bird shit on the bonnet of my car that we left for too long.

1:17:59 - 1:18:05

Helen took it upon herself to remove it. Begins with the softest cloth in the world.

1:18:06 - 1:18:14

Obviously, that's not doing anything. And then just moves through the cloths. So eventually, it's using the scouring side.

1:18:14 - 1:18:21

And that works perfectly. And then the next time the sun shines on it, there's basically, they look like bullet holes.

1:18:21 - 1:18:31

Absolutely. Absolutely. And she was so fixated on getting rid of this stain. I kept saying, oh, I can't even see it anymore.

1:18:31 - 1:18:37

That didn't help. So this went on for quite some time as the children sang ABBA songs.

1:18:37 - 1:18:45

Love it. Nightmarish. Absolutely nightmarish. Ross, can you eat the chicken legs? Can you please eat these chickens from the wind and the rain to speak for the listener?

1:18:46 - 1:18:53

Eat the chicken legs. Finally. Finally. Finally. Finally. I got the chicken legs. Didn't heat them up.

1:18:53 - 1:19:00

I heated the gravy. I poured the hot gravy on. Thank you very much. And this is the best bit, right?

1:19:01 - 1:19:05

I went in the living room, right? And instead of, I was still part of the family tea.

1:19:05 - 1:19:09

I still sat down there for the second half while they were doing all that kind of thing.

1:19:10 - 1:19:17

I had them chicken legs and all of them, they all went off. My wife went to the other end of the house.

1:19:17 - 1:19:27

The kids disappeared off to their rooms. I thought, hang on a second. I seemed to have the house to myself up this end of the house.

1:19:27 - 1:19:32

So you know what I did? I sat there. I ate the chicken legs with a hot gravy.

1:19:33 - 1:19:40

And I watched, not all of, but some of, Mud Mountain Haulers. Oh, really good.

1:19:40 - 1:19:44

You know the show? It's so man. It's so man. I'm imagining what it is.

1:19:44 - 1:19:49

It's truckers going over mountains. Is that what it is? Yeah, it's a bit like Timber Titans.

1:19:49 - 1:19:58

It's sort of in that. It's like crabs in the Arctic. It's the same basis of crab men of the Arctic, whatever that's called.

1:19:58 - 1:20:09

Well, I went and visited recently. I actually went to the town of Homa, which is a remote Alaskan port featured on Deadliest Catch.

1:20:10 - 1:20:15

Yeah, Deadliest Catch. That's what I'm thinking of. Question. How many chicken legs? How many chicken legs?

1:20:16 - 1:20:21

Four. Four. Oh, okay. I was expecting, given how ravenous you were, I was thinking it would be in the 20s.

1:20:22 - 1:20:26

It would have been had I not had the other four the night previous. Got it.

1:20:26 - 1:20:34

But look, it was kale, Brussels sprouts, chicken legs, gravy. Great. Oh, lovely. Absolutely lovely.

1:20:34 - 1:20:40

Did that. Finished watching Mud Mountain Haulers. Had a game of pool with a 12-year-old.

1:20:40 - 1:20:45

Love it. That was nice. And then read to her for a bit, came in here.

1:20:45 - 1:20:58

What are we reading? What every 12-year-old girl is into, of course, Sherlock Holmes. The original Sir Arthur Conan Doyle text?

1:20:59 - 1:21:07

Very much so. Yeah. We're reading that. Yeah. There's Millie Bobby Brown did a show called Enola Holmes, a film.

1:21:07 - 1:21:16

Oh, yeah, yeah. So obviously, as far as she's concerned, Sherlock Holmes is part of the Enola Holmes extended universe.

1:21:16 - 1:21:25

Got us. Yeah. So I went, shall we have a read of that? And there's nothing better than reading to your child when secretly you're enjoying it more than they are.

1:21:26 - 1:21:31

Is it good stuff? Does it whip along? Or is it a little bit Victorian?

1:21:31 - 1:21:40

It's incredibly Victorian. But what was brilliant was the fact that the story that we're reading, Holmes goes to...

1:21:40 - 1:21:44

Under the hammer. Please say under the hammer. He does. He goes under the hammer.

1:21:44 - 1:21:55

It's quite weird that Martin would appear in that book so many years. He goes to a hotel that we stayed in as a family.

1:21:55 - 1:22:02

Good Lord. Wow. Yeah. I went, that was the hotel where you said the word sausage for the first time.

1:22:02 - 1:22:07

And she went, I remember that. So that's a bit of fun. So we're at half past nine now.

1:22:08 - 1:22:12

The wife's knackered by this point. I mean... She's been well. She's under the weather.

1:22:12 - 1:22:20

She's been for a walk. She's had unnecessary arguments with me over my childish behavior about the tailoring.

1:22:20 - 1:22:27

Is the cranberry juice still there? Oh, my God. Like, literally, look at that. It's like, I've got two liters of it.

1:22:27 - 1:22:39

No, no, no, no. The stain. The stain. Oh, on the... Look, it is. But I got to the point where I was so desperate for them chicken legs, I went, I'll have it professionally cleaned.

1:22:40 - 1:22:50

Okay, right. Okay. But the thing is, apparently, you're not allowed to use this other benchtop stuff because apparently people were getting cancer from it when you cut it.

1:22:50 - 1:22:57

So at this point, I was quite excited. We'd finished reading. The little one goes to bed.

1:22:57 - 1:23:03

She's knackered. And I'm thinking, ho, ho, ho, ho. It's nine o'clock in the evening.

1:23:03 - 1:23:11

I'm going to head into that bedroom. And we are going to watch the final episode of the Netflix series Untamed.

1:23:11 - 1:23:20

Oh. The Eric Banner Show. Very much enjoying that. We've done this several times now where we've had the final episode of some form of whodunit.

1:23:21 - 1:23:29

I know exactly what you're going to say here. Yeah. Helen falls asleep. Like, just when it could not be more exciting.

1:23:29 - 1:23:37

It's like, ho, ho, ho. And then the soft, rhythmic pulse of that breath. Is that what you're about to say?

1:23:37 - 1:23:42

Well, no. I was going to say, I walked in and Shea went, I'm knackered.

1:23:42 - 1:23:49

I'm going to bed. And I went, but what about the mystery in Yosemite National Park?

1:23:49 - 1:23:55

There'll be none of that. And I thought, you know what? Fair enough. She's had a lot to deal with today.

1:23:56 - 1:24:02

So Shea goes to bed. The eldest one, Shea's doing whatever Shea's doing. The little one's asleep.

1:24:03 - 1:24:11

Annoyingly, actually, that's the second time it happened. Because the little one, we're just about to find out why the guy disappeared from the handsome cab.

1:24:11 - 1:24:19

And she went, I've gone go to bed. So now I've got two mysteries. These people do not appreciate suspense at all.

1:24:19 - 1:24:29

No, they appreciate it even more. They're keeping it going. Too much suspense. They're literally, I swear to God, I swear to God that they were going, listen, he's being a dick today.

1:24:29 - 1:24:35

He's being childish. He's childish. He's kicking off about the old man in the garage fixing his suit.

1:24:35 - 1:24:39

He's kicking off about the bath. He's marked the bench. Here's what we're going to do.

1:24:39 - 1:24:44

We're going to dangle mysteries in front of him. And we're not going to let him find out.

1:24:44 - 1:24:48

Yeah, the 16-year-old makes you watch 80 minutes of The Sixth Sense and then says, ah, I'm done.

1:24:49 - 1:24:58

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dad, we'll watch seven tomorrow, just the first hour. She goes, well, watch seven, but I only want to see the first six sins.

1:24:59 - 1:25:13

Yeah. No! No! So she goes to bed. So I do me washing, obviously. I have all the damp clothes, put on a load of washing, put on some of the school uniforms.

1:25:13 - 1:25:18

I do the kitchen. I empty the dishwasher. I do a proper, because you know what?

1:25:18 - 1:25:27

I'm thinking, maybe I've ruined this fancy kitchen. Maybe I've destroyed the bath. Maybe I have basically demolished our beautiful home.

1:25:27 - 1:25:33

But I can still redeem it. So I did all that, did the dishwasher. And then I sat down.

1:25:33 - 1:25:41

I thought, right, I'm in for a movie here. I then watched Old God 2. What the hell is that?

1:25:41 - 1:25:46

What's that? It's the sequel to Old God. Come on, lad. Okay. What's Old God 1?

1:25:47 - 1:25:50

Have you not seen Old God? Just remember, we didn't know what a dog was an hour ago, Ross.

1:25:51 - 1:26:02

That's true, yeah. Old God is Charlize Theron, based on a graphic novel about a group of immortal mercenaries.

1:26:03 - 1:26:10

They go on these missions. Charlize Theron, kicking ass. Yeah. I believe the first one was a couple of years ago.

1:26:10 - 1:26:15

And I saw, oh, they've done an Old God 2. It's come out on the streaming services there.

1:26:15 - 1:26:20

So I'm having some of that. Note in Ireland, where the police, we call them the guards.

1:26:20 - 1:26:29

The guards, yeah. A film called Old Guard. It's just about a retired policeman. Well, you think it was like Charlize Theron in a Flan O'Brien adaptation.

1:26:30 - 1:26:36

Just her in a shed with a bicycle that she just keeps oiling, you know.

1:26:36 - 1:26:44

Yep. The Old God. How's yourself there? You know what? I would love to see Theron doing that.

1:26:44 - 1:26:50

So I watched that. And then that came to an end. I thought, I thought I should probably go to bed now.

1:26:51 - 1:26:55

Probably turn in. And then I thought, oh, yeah, but I'll just have a little flick.

1:26:55 - 1:27:01

So I just, I was flicking about. And I know you're probably thinking, surely this day is all.

1:27:01 - 1:27:09

Surely this day is finished. Surely it is. So please, I think what you're saying is, please, God, let this day be finished.

1:27:09 - 1:27:17

No, I love this day. This is an information gathering exercise. We are here to find the truth, Ross.

1:27:17 - 1:27:25

Oh, God, nobody can be listening to this. But what I like about this, right, two hours we've been at this now, right?

1:27:25 - 1:27:30

Two hours. And it was always going to be a long one. I've never had a concise conversation.

1:27:30 - 1:27:37

What I like about it is the fact that I reckon if people weren't into this, they'd gone after five minutes.

1:27:38 - 1:27:42

You know what I mean? If you've made it to 10, you've made it this far.

1:27:42 - 1:27:50

That's what I think. It doesn't matter how long they are. People understand that it's going to begin when Ross wakes up and it's going to finish whenever the fuck he goes to bed.

1:27:50 - 1:27:54

We just don't know when that is. And then each time we say, maybe this is the moment.

1:27:54 - 1:28:03

And then I planted a hedge in the dark. Well. We don't need a well.

1:28:03 - 1:28:10

We don't need a well at this point. Well, you do because obviously at this point, once more, wake up the Baha men.

1:28:11 - 1:28:19

Oh, yeah. I've let the dogs out again. It's all come full circle. But no, it hasn't because I did that and then I thought, I'll turn the telly off now.

1:28:20 - 1:28:24

But I went in there and it was tantalized. And I thought, oh, I love a flick around.

1:28:24 - 1:28:28

I'll be honest, right? You know when you get down to like the God channels?

1:28:28 - 1:28:34

Yeah. I'm flicking around and I think, oh, I'll just say what? Because I'm a sucker for documentaries.

1:28:34 - 1:28:37

I love a documentary. And I thought, oh, is it too late for a documentary?

1:28:38 - 1:28:43

It's probably about, oh, now, hang on. Does it end at midnight? No. It's when you go to bed.

1:28:43 - 1:28:53

Oh, right. Okay, fine. Well, I didn't go to bed till half four. Join us next week.

1:28:53 - 1:28:59

No, I didn't. No, I went to bed about two. Anyway, there was a documentary about Kurt Vonnegut.

1:28:59 - 1:29:05

And I thought, oh, I'll watch that. And then I watched the first five minutes and I was aware of the fact I was coming on this.

1:29:05 - 1:29:15

I thought, that'll make me look like a right twat. But I found, which I very much recommend, is a documentary about Siegfried and Roy.

1:29:16 - 1:29:25

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. The Camp Vegas magicians. Does it take you up to when one of them gets mauled by their beloved white tiger?

1:29:25 - 1:29:31

It takes them. And this seems a paper-thin format for a documentary, but you guys will like it.

1:29:32 - 1:29:40

It's from their birth, right through till after they both died, the legacy. They grew up in the shadow of Nazi.

1:29:40 - 1:29:49

They were Germans. It's a fascinating story. I might have seen this. Yeah. Fascinating. Both of their fathers fought for the Reich and traumatized by their experiences.

1:29:49 - 1:29:56

If you would like me to go through the entire life of George Siegfried and Roy, I'm more than happy to.

1:29:56 - 1:30:05

I mean, I was watching it because I thought, if there's a point, if they can make a tiger disappear, they can make a fucking cranberry stain disappear off my bench.

1:30:06 - 1:30:12

Carol Baskin was featured, you know, from the Tiger King documentary. No mention of the husband.

1:30:12 - 1:30:19

It was all about how Siegfried and Roy perhaps weren't honest about the care that the tigers were given.

1:30:19 - 1:30:26

Anyway, spoiler alert, I knew Roy was going to get mauled. Yeah. That's why I started watching it.

1:30:27 - 1:30:34

Classic magicians. And never ripped off lead belly either for any of their tunes. So that's to their credit.

1:30:35 - 1:30:43

Right the way through to, yeah, Roy obviously mauled, him coming back. And then, yeah, the both of them passing away.

1:30:44 - 1:30:54

And then their legacy of their big statue. There was a few other suggestions. Like, if you like this, I think sometimes it's, you know, if you like this, you'll like this.

1:30:54 - 1:30:58

I think sometimes if you like this, you need to have a long, hard look at yourself.

1:31:00 - 1:31:06

If you like this, you will love the Bernie Winters and whatever the name of Bernie.

1:31:07 - 1:31:14

Schnorbits. Schnorbits, his dog. And suddenly it's just entertainers who have Julian Clary and his dog.

1:31:14 - 1:31:30

It's funny you should say that because when Bernie died, the Schnorbits name, because obviously they had loads of Schnorbitses, they sold the Schnorbits name as a kind of franchise to a magician by the name of Richard De Vere.

1:31:30 - 1:31:38

And there was a statue in Blackpool of Richard De Vere and Schnorbits, an actual statue.

1:31:38 - 1:31:45

And that's, in many ways, Richard De Vere is the British Siegfried and Roy. He would do magic with Schnorbits.

1:31:45 - 1:31:52

For the listeners, I am with you in that I don't know who Richard De Vere or Schnorbits is, but credit to you for still being with us.

1:31:53 - 1:32:01

As we are moments away from Ross Noble. Are we? We don't know. There is a masochistic part of me that wants to say, and then.

1:32:01 - 1:32:08

Here's what I'd love for this to end is that Ross's two dogs have been watching the documentary and they both nod at each other.

1:32:09 - 1:32:14

And this is the moment when they both maul Ross and it's just thrown in as a little extra.

1:32:14 - 1:32:21

Just before I went to bed, I was almost mauled to death by a groomed dog and its mate who looks like Oliver Cromwell.

1:32:21 - 1:32:27

She nearly had my balls off earlier. That was my Siegfried and Roy moment. That's what would have been.

1:32:28 - 1:32:35

You don't know who Schnorbits is. I'm not aware of Schnorbits. No, you're okay. No, no, no.

1:32:35 - 1:32:39

Let me just. No, I'm afraid. I'm with your family now. I'd like to leave this suspense.

1:32:39 - 1:32:49

So I've got a head full of Siegfried and Roy, magic and illusion. You'd think, oh, he's just got to get into bed and fall asleep.

1:32:49 - 1:33:02

No, because I sleepwalk and I talk in my sleep. Wow. And I also suffer from quite severe sleep apnea where without my mask, I basically stopped breathing.

1:33:02 - 1:33:11

When they measured it for a minute and a half. Holy shit. I was basically waking up 114 times in the night when they did all the research and stuff.

1:33:11 - 1:33:18

So it turns out I hadn't slept for about 15 years and I've got quite a lot of energy at the best of times.

1:33:18 - 1:33:28

And then since I've had the mask, it's changed my life. But the point is, is that if I go into the dark room and put the mask on in the dark,

1:33:28 - 1:33:40

because I'm strapping myself in, could wake up the wife, right? So what I do is, if I'm having a big night watching magic documentaries, I'll put the mask at the end of the corridor.

1:33:40 - 1:33:49

I get the mask all on, strap myself in. And then in the dark, I creep into the room looking like Bane, basically.

1:33:49 - 1:33:54

Yeah. I creep into the bedroom and then I've left my tube under the pillow.

1:33:54 - 1:34:02

I'm in the dark, mask on, clip in, activate the machine. Good night, Vienna. There you go.

1:34:03 - 1:34:10

Hang on, that's oxygen. You're being fed oxygen. Just air. It's just blowing air. It basically blows air into your throat.

1:34:10 - 1:34:19

So it opens up your throat so you don't stop breathing. I love the fact that at exactly two hours, I went, good night, Vienna.

1:34:19 - 1:34:26

And you went, hang on. I have a list of questions. You've only got yourself to blame.

1:34:26 - 1:34:34

And no, it's air. And sometimes I'll shove a chicken leg in there. What an ending.

1:34:34 - 1:34:47

Come on, Max. That's the best. Since Sam Campbell, who invented a sport with its own rules and he imagines a sort of analysis program where a panel of experts discuss the sport that he has invented.

1:34:47 - 1:34:53

This is the greatest going to sleep since Campbell, I'm going to say. No, it's a strong day.

1:34:53 - 1:34:58

It's a strong day. That's very kind of you because I thought it tailed off after the umbrella.

1:34:58 - 1:35:03

I've got to say, Ross, had you had an exciting day? I'm not sure how long this episode would have been.

1:35:03 - 1:35:09

So delighted it was a boring one. Yeah. It's one of the most basic days I've had in years.

1:35:10 - 1:35:18

I don't know. Getting a stain off a bench. Come on. How can you call a day basic when you spend an hour trying to get a cranberry stain off?

1:35:19 - 1:35:24

Hey, Ross, thank you so much for coming on. What did you do yesterday? I hope you'll come on again.

1:35:24 - 1:35:41

Oh, God, really? Tomorrow. Yeah, could we? So there we are. And we're recording this a couple of days later.

1:35:41 - 1:35:50

So we don't have the energy that we had at the end of this episode where I think Ross was explaining who Schnorbitz was two hours in.

1:35:54 - 1:36:04

I love Ross, his intensity towards everything, you know, towards his own sort of comedy, towards going for a run.

1:36:04 - 1:36:11

And to announce that he's done ultra running. You know, like, is that surprising? Not particularly, I guess.

1:36:11 - 1:36:18

And also with, you know, is it Waylon Jennings? Hey, Ross, you've got yourself in a whole lot of bother here, my friend.

1:36:19 - 1:36:25

I defy you not to incorporate that into your life. Thanks, Ross. Thank you, Ross.

1:36:26 - 1:36:30

A great guest. If you, the listener, would like to get in touch with What Did You Do Yesterday?

1:36:31 - 1:36:39

Here is how. To get in touch with the show, you can email us at whatdidyoudoyesterdaypod at gmail.com.

1:36:40 - 1:36:47

Follow us on Instagram at yesterdaypod. And please subscribe and leave a review if you liked it on your preferred podcast platform.

1:36:47 - 1:36:55

And if you didn't, please don't. Thank you, David. Everything is showbiz. In it for life.

1:36:55 - 1:37:06

Perhaps shorter records. In it for life. Shorter records. It's in for life where most of the life is taken up with recording episodes of What Did You Do Yesterday?

1:37:06 - 1:37:08

Thanks for listening. Thank you.

WDWDY #74: Hoovered Under The Duvet

S4 EP22: Briony May Williams

WDWDY #73: I'm Eating Bullets

S4 EP21: Ben Elton

WDWDY #72: The Montenegro Tease

S4 EP20: Shane Daniel Byrne

WDWDY #71: I could go on You Bet!

S4 EP19: Amy Annette

WDWDY #70: In The Air Tonight

S4 EP18: Paul Williams

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WDWDY #52: Duelling Cheeseboards

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The Great Christmas Bunny Emergency (Part 2 )

The Great Christmas Bunny Emergency (Part 1 )

S3 EP27: Rob Auton

WDWDY #51: In Fairness To Lube

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S3 EP8: Ross Noble