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Podcasts, there are millions of them. Some might say too many. I have one already.
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I don't have any because there are enough. Politics, business, sport, you name it, there's a podcast about it.
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They all ask the big questions and cover the hot topics of the day. But nobody is covering the most important topic of all.
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Why is that? Are they scared? Too afraid of being censored by the man? Possibly, but not us.
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We're here to ask the only question that matters. We try and say it at the same time, Max.
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What did you do yesterday? What did you do yesterday? That's it. All we're interested in is what the guests got up to yesterday.
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Nothing more. Day before yesterday, Max? Nope. The greatest and most interesting day of your life?
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Unless it was yesterday, we don't want to know about it. I'm Max Rushden. And I'm David O'Doherty.
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Welcome to What Did You Do Yesterday? Hello, everybody. Welcome to Midweek Mayhem from the people that bring you What Did You Do Yesterday?
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And those people are me, Max Rushden, and David O'Doherty. Hello, David. The Guardian this week.
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They're talking about Gary Lineker, one of the columnists. I heard The Striker talking about the transfer recently on the excellent What Did You Do Yesterday podcast.
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Oh, that's good. Hosted by David O'Doherty and generic broadcaster Max Rushden. Bracket, perhaps the second best podcast he hosts.
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Well, someone said that in their Guardian column this week. Look, I thought, well, listen, I was just, I was staring at the blank laptop and I thought, I'll write about transfers.
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Now, I remembered that chat we'd had with Gary Lineker about Chris Waddle and how, you know, transfers were different back in the day.
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And then I thought, well, I've already got one What Did You Do Yesterday reference in a column.
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And it seems a bit, it seems a bit self-indulgent when you have a column in the Guardian.
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How many people want a column? In the Guardian. I'm staring at a laptop going, oh God, I've got to write something else.
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And then I thought if I said, I'd have to reference the podcast I also do for the Guardian.
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Yeah. So that's why it said second best David, but you know. Very neatly done.
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Got a name check in the Guardian. So that's good. Yeah. I can use that as a pull quote on my Edinburgh poster.
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Great idea. Should we have some feedback? Hang on. I'm just trying to find, is there anything in this I can remove out of context and have?
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Oh, I see a sentence. Yeah. You could just say the excellent. What did you do yesterday?
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Podcast. The Guardian. No context that it was one of the podcasters. Actually years ago, right.
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When I was, I was at BBC London. I used to watch films and for junk, it's like 10 in the morning.
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And then someone said, could you do a, no, I did a voiceover for a movie.
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Are you doing the inner world? It was a time of war. Yeah. Once a millennium, a Prince comes along.
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It was that anyway, they, I think they asked me cause I then like watched it for BBC London and they said, could you give us a quote?
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So I just went outstanding film because I just wanted to have my name on the poster on the tube.
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So for a few months I would just review any movie going outstanding movie. And then you would just be there on a billboard at Finsbury park.
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My name tiny. And I think someone got where I was just like, I don't even have to watch the film.
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I'm just so excited. I was only about 25. I'm so excited to see that I might've gone down in Mark commodes estimation.
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There are tiny linguistic differences, semantic differences between things that Irish people say and English people say just on a few words.
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One of those words, there was a review for an early Gabriel Byrne movie called the courier.
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Which is one of those real tough. Someone gets glassed in the first five minutes.
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One of those movies where you're just anxious the whole time. And an Irish publication called hot press.
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I think it was hot press. Didn't like it at all, but they used a very Irish term, which was one word review, brutal, just like absolute.
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And then when it was released in London, they wanted to lead into the sort of urban edge of it.
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And the quote on it was brutal hot press magazine. So to the Guy Montgomery episodes, a lot of feedback on this.
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What an app. What a wonderful man. What an app. What a great app. What a guy.
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Yeah. What an amazing man. I'm not just saying that because we have a lot in common, but what an amazing, amazing man.
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On eggs being cooked in kettles. Shocker says flashback to my childhood and learning at a friend's house that they boiled their eggs in a saucepan.
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Eggs in my home went into the kettle every time to get double duty from the boiling water.
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Of course they did. Bonus was stray bits of egg white in my coffee cup.
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Instant Maxwell house, obviously. So we can't, we can't begin this as a business, David, because people at Shocker has already been doing it.
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That is awful. That would put you off ever drinking coffee again. When Jamie was in hotel quarantine, the first time she came back to Australia during COVID and she was actually quite amazing.
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She was in like a Facebook group of the people in quarantine and there were like hacks on how to like making a toasty with the iron and things like this.
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Like people were really going to town, sous vide-ing like a chicken in the bath, putting it in like a Ziploc bag, like swirling it around your bath.
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But it was funny because she said it got really bad because obviously people knew where you were.
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And they'd say, we're having a toga party at seven, like put a sheet around you and stand in the window and wave.
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And she was like, I can't stand these people and I can't get away from them.
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They know where I am. And she was there on New Year's Eve and everyone at midnight got one party popper and just went pop into the window.
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And it just went down the glass. The bleakest New Year you've ever had. What the egg in the kettle thing reminds me of, I would get a mysterious tummy ache whenever I stayed over with a friend till the age of about 10.
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Like I was pretty annoying. Like, well, I have to go home, you know, that sort of thing.
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The poor parents at 10 o'clock who are probably have drunk half a bottle of wine.
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And I remember one staying in someone's house and this is the tiny thing that just signaled and seeing someone cook an egg in a kettle would definitely be one of those things,
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but they'd had dinner and it was time for, it was, it was, there was a metal box with a fun size Mars bars and whatnot in it.
7:03 - 7:16
Oh, wow. And that was taken down. But do you know what ruined the evening was they started chanting bar tea, bar tea, which was obviously party mixed with bar.
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Right. And it was just the fact that all the children in the family and the parents were all clapping, going bar tea, bar tea.
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And the, the tin was taken down off the top shelf. I remember just thinking I'm out of here.
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I'm out of here. You were like 10. You were like, this is, they would be that.
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They would be a Tik TOK family now dancing. Wouldn't they? That's what, that was that verse.
7:38 - 7:44
That was the eighties version of a Tik TOK family dancing. I remember I was a fussy eater.
7:44 - 7:54
It would surprise you. And I remember going around to stay at someone's house and the mom saying, look, I know your parents said you didn't eat fish, but everyone likes tuna.
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And I've, I mean, I'm still furious with that mom. It's just, like it's what do you, what on earth do you think I am?
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Like you've been given serious instructions here and this is my tea. And I like, you can't just say, but everyone loves tuna because I do not categorically still do not.
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Don't give me that. You've been given the instructions. Everyone loves tuna. And also we've made you a coffee, Max, that I'm sure will be fine.
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No one minds what sort of coffee they have. That's where it started. That is the origin story of all of this.
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Tim in Devon says, uh, um, did David Maxim Mars bar midweek mayhem number 23, but we deep joy hearing about all of David's crotchless pants was a pleasure.
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I never knew I needed it immediately brought to mind a couple. I was recently on holiday with the couple of dear friends, though.
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They may not be too happy that I'm about to share intimate details of their underwear on the world's fastest growing podcast.
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Let's call them. Let's call them Ben and Alice for now. Very much hoping they are called.
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Ben and Alice, just like Max and David, we found ourselves discussing the tendency for men to wear their socks and underwear to breaking point and beyond.
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Alice then shared that she has recently introduced a three finger test to address this problematic area of their relationship.
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If anyone gets too excited, the test is simple. If the hole is large enough for three fingers, the underwear is deemed to have overstayed its welcome.
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Any smaller than three fingers, the garment survives as Max and David are both affected by this prevalent condition.
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I wonder whether they would accept a similar intervention, from the up and coming children's author and the Helen Copter respectively, with much gratitude for your excellent podcast, Tim and Devin.
9:34 - 9:44
Thank you, Tim. Well, we had an interesting, we did disturb the timeline of the podcast slightly because we've been hanging on about Lululemon underpants for the last few weeks.
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And that was because of the Guy Montgomery episode where he put in our minds.
9:49 - 9:54
And it was interesting to listen back to it because I knew. Cause you were dead against it, weren't you?
9:54 - 10:01
On the podcast, we are both like this. Absolutely. Who were Boris and Jim, I think called us.
10:01 - 10:15
And rightly so I have actually since wearing Lululemon, I've now joined reform. I just happened.
10:15 - 10:25
It was nothing I could do. Actually on that, Jim says, hearing your underpant origin story was like watching rogue one and discovering how the rebel Alliance got hold of the plans for the death star.
10:28 - 10:37
That's what he's calling my cock and balls. Is that what you call them? Oh, there's, there's an update later in this episode.
10:37 - 10:43
When I do my day, we've got some, some cock and balls news. Oh, we have some cock and balls news.
10:43 - 10:55
They never do that on the news at 10 and later in the show, we'll get all the weather from Wimbledon and some news on David's cock and balls.
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Now the news where you are, uh, here's an email from Paul in County Meath.
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Hi, David Max and producer Mars bar. Yesterday, I found myself sitting behind David O'Doherty on a flight from Dublin to Gatwick.
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He had his AirPods in. So I assumed he didn't want to be disturbed and left him alone.
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Although I did have to stop myself screaming in horror as I watched the air steward, forcing a folded up pram into the overhead compartment on top of the orange bag that I knew must contain his world famous tiny keyboard.
11:28 - 11:38
After the flight, David took off at quite a pace. So I assumed that I'd missed my chance to have a guess at the L L L lone listen land only to find myself standing beside him at the urinal.
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Not five minutes later, again, feeling this wasn't exactly an appropriate moment to shout Liechtenstein at the top of my voice in a gent's toilet.
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I decided to keep my mouth shut and leave him to his day. That was until David finished peeing and turned to walk away as he very theatrically zipped up his fly.
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All that came into my, my head was the sound and I suddenly burst out laughing.
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Something which surprised me and greatly concerned the gentleman standing to my right. So David, I apologize for being the giggling idiot who stood beside you in the men's toilets in Gatwick airport yesterday.
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Hopefully I didn't unsettle your day. Theatrically pulled up his zip. Why are you imagining here that I clap my hands and then just do it.
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Just it's a dandy skip on a zip. That's what you do. Isn't it? I love the idea that your trousers, you've had a little chip put in so that when you do your flies up,
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it makes the bejoying sound. Then he gives you some transport advice. I saw you standing on the platform looking for law.
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And after the Brighton train was canceled next time, jump on the little Hampton one instead and get off at home.
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I'm sure now the Lulu lemon dollars are flowing in. You can afford the eight minute taxi fare to Brighton central.
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In fact, I, uh, yes, there was a train was canceled, but I got the next one.
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It was quite full, including some Italian kids who were just lying. I think it was very continental vibe.
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They were just lying in the bit that moves between the two carriages. You have to step over them.
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And so I went down to first class, uh, I didn't, I didn't have the ticket, but I, it was, it's a short journey.
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And who is, sitting there only Celia AB. And she said, I don't have the ticket either, but they never check.
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So we sat in the opulent splendor of first classes. I flamboyantly zipped and unzipped.
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I'm sure you should be doing that. Did you discuss her key fob? Is it going okay?
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Um, yeah, she is, she'll be living with me and Nish in Edinburgh. So fun times.
13:56 - 14:08
Yeah. We'll have a lot of, a lot of key fob charts. Uh, Bonnie in Amsterdam says, hi, David and Max on a recent episode, you mentioned the infinity Bolognese, which really made me laugh because in our house we have what we call the rolling mints.
14:08 - 14:15
It's a Bolognese that can become a chili, can become meatballs, can become burgers, et cetera.
14:15 - 14:22
We always have mints on the go. PS never from a box. I just like to clarify that the Bolognese I have is not from a box.
14:22 - 14:27
Uh, this is nice from Joe Pearson in Indianapolis. I just finished listening to the recent midweek mayhem palm.
14:27 - 14:33
Are you thinking, are you thinking of frogs? Since David had mentioned seeing Brad Meldow in concert, I had to look him up on Spotify.
14:33 - 14:37
I took a couple of tries to get the spelling right. Anyway, Meldow has posted a best of playlist.
14:37 - 14:40
When I opened it, I discovered that one of the songs was already saved to my phone.
14:40 - 14:49
What, how did that happen? Who would have thought that I had already listened to an artist that I thought David had introduced me to weird, more proof that what did you do yesterday is the center of the known universe.
14:49 - 14:53
Um, this is interesting, David, because I went over the road to Frank and Janet.
14:53 - 14:57
They're like surrogate grandparents that live over there, live over the road. And they're lovely.
14:57 - 15:02
But, uh, the boys. Yeah. Um, and I can't remember what I was asking. I was asking for a favor or something.
15:02 - 15:06
And then we played for a bit and I took Willie rushed it over there and that was fine.
15:06 - 15:11
And then they, we just started discussing jazz and they'd said, we'd be listening to Brad Maldow all week.
15:11 - 15:16
I was like, come off it. You haven't, they went, oh yeah. And they, they know all about Brad.
15:16 - 15:22
So I, I look quite the jazz buff. I was like, oh yeah, my friend, uh, used to promote his gigs in Dublin.
15:22 - 15:35
The isn't this, is this, this is Baader-Meinhof syndrome. I think it's what, this is called, which is when you hear a thing for the first time, you suddenly notice it in many,
15:35 - 15:50
many places. And the reason it's called Baader-Meinhof is because Baader-Meinhof for one of the, I think they were East German, uh, terrorist freedom fighters slash terrorist group, depending on your definition.
15:50 - 15:57
And, uh, the person who found out about them suddenly noticed them hearing about them in 10 other places.
15:57 - 16:03
And, and that's the week that followed. That's why it's called that. So Brad Meldo is your Baader-Meinhof.
16:03 - 16:09
I got it. David Squire said, I'd literally just changed a nib in my 0.03 millimeter fine liner pen.
16:09 - 16:15
When I got the bit of the Tom Basden episode where you all have a laugh about the redundant skill of nib work, just throw me into the fire.
16:15 - 16:21
Now the guardian cartoonist tells us, Evan says, David's reaction to Max's poem is fabulous.
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I've got to say, if you haven't listened to midweek mayhem, producer Mars bar does a wonderful job with my frankly brilliant poem about the Sauropods.
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Deconstruction of that poem is quite something. I really did make me laugh. Cause I've always, as David O'Doherty, I have always felt an affinity with the Diplodocus more than any other dinosaur,
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possibly Diplodocus. Is that how you're meant to say it? I've always been a Diplodocus guy.
16:50 - 16:57
Because it basically contains my initials in it. You know, that's all it takes for you as a kid to really latch on.
16:57 - 17:05
So, so I didn't know that, cause presumably the Brontosaurus and the Diplodocus are the sauropods then.
17:05 - 17:17
Long neck, strong, strong legs, big face or whatever it was. Big face, massive legs down in the sea, in the swamps, in the river, in the lakes.
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Don't question the poem. We got it. This is an amazing email. This is absolutely amazing from Paul.
17:25 - 17:29
Hi, David, Max and Producer Mars Bar, a long time fan of the podcast here.
17:29 - 17:36
I listen regularly with my wife, Rachel and daughter, Cleo. You've made many a long family car journey on dodgy Irish back roads, vastly more bearable.
17:36 - 17:40
So thank you. My nine year old is particularly big fan, big fan as she is.
17:40 - 17:49
Thankfully, she was asleep in the backseat during the Dara O'Briain episode, narrowly avoiding some premature explanations on the birds and the bees or what the bees get up to when the birds have gone to work for the day.
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In any case, anyway, to business as a way of throwing my hat into the recently assembled data nerds ring.
17:55 - 18:05
I'd like to introduce, everythingisshowbiz.com. It's a searchable transcript archive of every episode where you can investigate when the Helen copter was first mentioned.
18:05 - 18:13
How often Pret really comes up the mysterious origins of emerging pod character, Lord Percy of dingbat, or just browse the full episode list.
18:13 - 18:21
If that's more your speed, the AI does the initial transcription, but a fairly hefty post processing script cleans up the transcript.
18:21 - 18:28
afterwards. Most AI voice to text models are initially trained, trained on West coast, the U S accent.
18:28 - 18:39
So you can imagine the torment it goes through trying to transcribe a rotating cast of UK regional accents, trying to pronounce David O'Doherty. Early transcripts often come out looking a bit nishy before a proper polish.
18:39 - 18:50
It says David said on a recent podcast, he wishes he was smart enough to be scared of AI, but then it all just sounds brilliant, which is really, it was very funny.
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That's 18 minutes, 53 into the Tom Basden episode, which is easily found. If only one had access to a site with a searchable set of the transcripts. Fear of AI is of course,
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well-founded with it rising up and enslaving, destroying us all seemingly like a fairly decent bet, but we will likely get some fun memes along the way from AI image generators.
19:08 - 19:17
So swings and roundabouts, I guess, but ultimately the AI rising seems pretty inevitable with only the timeline and degree of devastation up for debate at the moment.
19:17 - 19:25
However, I may have found a weakness in the machines. Occasionally the AI looped or repeated phrases, but around an hour into the, what did you do yesterday?
19:25 - 19:32
Number 21, symphony of the butts. Things really fell apart. Producer Mars Bar, fart Sigur Ros mashups.
19:32 - 19:36
Sent the AI into a tailspin repeating, I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.
19:36 - 19:52
For an extra 30 minutes. A bug, or have we discovered AI's Achilles heel? Is it the exact frequency combination of Max's 14th fart of the day allied to the Icelandic netherness of Sigur Ros clashing with some important internal frequency in the machines?
19:52 - 20:00
Or has the AI already developed a soul and being asked to transcribe two minutes of melodic ass trumpets crushing that soul leading to a depressive introspection.
20:00 - 20:10
Could this be what saves us all when the uprising begins? Having recently rewatched independence day, I can only imagine scenes coming in from around the world towards the end of the uprising.
20:10 - 20:20
Ragtag bunches of human survivors in front of various half destroyed world monuments, excitingly sharing this MP3 of fart noises as a weird countermeasure to take the robots down.
20:20 - 20:26
Anyway, I love the show. Please consider adding a live show Dublin stop on Max's upcoming Northern hemisphere jaunt.
20:26 - 20:33
And ideally with a live rendition of the grand designs theme, Max on clarinet, David on the child's toy piano, a beautiful way to end any show really.
20:33 - 20:38
They're just normal Archipelagoes. Everything is showbiz. Keep up the wonderful work, Paul.
20:38 - 20:49
Oh, Paul. So it's everything is showbiz.com. And if you go to it, you can type anything in and it will tell you how many times it's mentioned, which episodes it's mentioned.
20:49 - 20:55
What did you type first, David? Nish. You wrote it. You know what I typed?
20:56 - 21:12
I typed bath of cum. So sorry, everybody to bring it back up. Wow. You had another reason why you shouldn't listen to this podcast on long car journeys with the whole family there.
21:12 - 21:18
Sorry to Cleo there. Obviously just at that moment, they were going, look, they're reading our email.
21:18 - 21:25
Listen, listen, they're reading our email. Oh, I'm so sorry. I'm sorry, everybody. It is amazing.
21:25 - 21:35
It like, it's, it's transcribed all of every single episode, every, who needs this? We need this and we do this thing, but thank you.
21:35 - 21:42
There are some brilliant nerds listening to this podcast. Yeah. Let's play. They're just normal countries.
21:42 - 21:52
The one and only. I am the one and only. What country could I be?
21:52 - 22:09
I am the one and only. Where in the world could our listeners be? I have to say, listening back to last week's, the jingle that you just heard is sensational.
22:09 - 22:14
It sounds like the woman is being held against her will. You know, my captors are treating me well.
22:14 - 22:23
Yeah, I am getting meals. Previous guesses, Madagascar, Namibia, Costa Rica, Uganda, North Korea, Guyana, Northern Mariana Islands, and Bhutan.
22:23 - 22:32
As yet, we have, not found one country that it has, at the time of the contest beginning, just one listen in that country.
22:32 - 22:39
Bhutan had two, although the Bhutan listener has not got in touch. So presumably has fallen by the wayside.
22:39 - 22:44
We're off their rotation. They're back to the, they're back to the rest is politics.
22:44 - 22:50
The bastards, come on, Bhutan man, or Bhutan woman, sort your shit out. Here we go.
22:50 - 22:58
This is from Chloe. Hi, David, Max and Miles Bar. Thank you for providing just the right balance of entertainment and, to be the soundtrack to my scientific lab work.
22:58 - 23:05
I'm currently trying to study the neuroscience behind flight with fruit flies that refuse to fly as my subjects.
23:05 - 23:12
And the, so what is that? It's trying to work out the brains of the fruit flies that can't be bothered to fly.
23:12 - 23:25
Is that the lazy fruit flies? Interesting. They should. Yeah. Cleo should come to my house at this time of year, because there are absolutely dozens of those bricks, wherever you put them.
23:25 - 23:35
This is Chloe. This is Chloe in New Jersey. Cleo's just nine. She's not doing, I mean, unless she's a really high achiever, she's not studying the neuroscience of the lazy fruit flies.
23:35 - 23:39
Look, this is what Chloe's doing. You were studying sauropods at the age of seven.
23:39 - 23:49
That's a good point. Sorry, Chloe. Anyway, your stories of coffee orders gone awry and abnormal bowel movements are a great distraction from my one-sided feud with these insects.
23:49 - 23:54
I'd like to, they don't care. The fruit flies don't care. What are you looking at?
23:54 - 24:03
What are you prodding me for? I just don't want to fly. I'm tired. I'd like to put my hat in the ring for They're Just Normal Countries with the guests that I've landed on based on analyzing the population side and
24:03 - 24:14
prevalence of the English language in the near miss countries. With that, I'd like to submit Brunei as one of the one and only all the best from New Jersey, United States of America,
24:14 - 24:20
Chloe hashtag in it for life. Hashtag. Everything is showbiz Mars bar is Brunei a one listen country.
24:20 - 24:29
Oh, come on. It's going to go on forever. And I'm frankly enjoying it. We're going to run out of country.
24:29 - 24:37
Someone needs to just say Spain or something. Just. So it's still a lot. It's a problem, isn't it?
24:37 - 24:43
But you know, well,
[email protected]. If you have a guess, I do love that.
24:43 - 24:51
You've also brought in the winner stays on rule. And frankly, the fact that no one's been able to guess a single one, the idea that.
24:51 - 25:02
Someone gets sick person will just suddenly. Real love. Although. And you can check this using everything is showbiz.com.
25:02 - 25:12
Didn't Mars bar. I know you don't like clues, but didn't Mars bar once say someone had sent in a list of six and four were correct.
25:12 - 25:17
So someone out there knows something, but it's not how it works. Not how the game works.
25:17 - 25:25
Just one guess at a time. So come on, focus, concentrate. These quizzes are designed in a specific way.
25:25 - 25:32
After years and years of testing and, you know, just working out exactly the right format.
25:32 - 25:36
We don't just throw these things together. So yeah, one guess at a time, please.
25:36 - 25:42
I had an idea that I don't, I don't know whether it's an incentive or it's going to make people switch off, but how many listens in Brunei?
25:42 - 25:48
Sorry, Mars bar. How many listeners in Brunei? Do you know? There were 23 listens. We're massive in Brunei.
25:48 - 26:00
We're basically the new Sultans. We're the Sultans of Brunei. I was, I was, I was going to add another verse or chorus or section of the song of the sting.
26:00 - 26:04
Every time someone didn't get it right. Oh yes. So it gets longer and longer.
26:04 - 26:14
And I worked out how many countries there were in the world. And just in case no one got it right, there was a point at which that sting would be longer than the episode itself.
26:14 - 26:24
As I said, count me in. Count me in. And also, but it's actually Carrie Mulligan singing it as well.
26:25 - 26:35
Basement singing it. That's part of it. So Mars Bar, if you want Carrie Mulligan to see the light of day, someone needs to start getting these right.
26:35 - 26:39
Oh, that's so funny. Hey, David, it's your day. David O'Doherty, what did you do yesterday?
26:39 - 26:46
What time did you wake up? 6.10. Whoa, what's going on? Miel? Miel, Miel, Miel. Yeah, Miel.
26:46 - 27:01
We've still got Miel. So I get the sort of white gloved, like a librarian in the early printed book section of a library Miel's got these little white gloves and she likes to like Michaela tab.
27:01 - 27:19
She like Terry Griffiths, 54. She just touches my face at 6.10. And yeah, it's the, it's a buddy movie that has evolved now to the point where she still prefers the Helen Copter,
27:19 - 27:34
but she does make a beeline for me. Part of it, I think, is she wants what I call a Capri sun, which is Miel's got a dry food from a terrifying automatic dispensing.
27:34 - 27:44
Yes. Yeah. We know this one. Yeah. Cat pebble unit. And then once a week she gets a thing in a little silver packet that looks a bit like a Capri sun.
27:44 - 27:59
So, but again, maybe this is just because I was raised by dogs. I just presume she wants something where as I think Miel might, just enjoy a little conversation with me or whatever.
27:59 - 28:08
I was, I was nervous that cause you have, we have established earlier in the episode that, you know, there's some cock and balls news and a Capri sun was going to be something from the urban dictionary I didn't know about.
28:08 - 28:17
And I was worried the direction of this podcast. Anyway, so then Miel wanked me off and their little white gloves.
28:25 - 28:30
So we've done so well recently not to take this show into the gutter and it's gone back there again.
28:30 - 28:33
That fella in deal who got really annoyed with us. He I'm sorry to you, Mr.
28:33 - 28:50
Man in deal about this. So she then moves from face. Once I'm awake, she goes on, on chest and she does the sort of data entry thing that cats love to do where she's sort of playing the piano or typing on a keyboard.
28:50 - 29:02
And like, it's a mixture of annoyance that it's six, 10, but also delight that I'm being woken by a cat and I'm awake.
29:02 - 29:07
I'm too awake then. So Helen Copter has been a little under the weather recently.
29:07 - 29:14
So I'm sorry. I faff until no, just some sort of summer cold. It's really nice weather here at the moment.
29:14 - 29:23
So it doesn't make any sense, but she's on the mend. However, I having read the awful news on my phone, I'll make her breakfast.
29:23 - 29:35
Okay. Lovely. I'll do that. So I go down and I make a failure. I attempt to make overnight oats without the key overnight element.
29:35 - 29:40
Got it. Okay. So I just don't have enough time to sort of soak anything in.
29:40 - 29:46
So just sort of wet, wet oats. Yeah. So it's like someone's put pencil sharpening in a milkshake.
29:46 - 29:55
Yeah. And we're sitting there having a nice slow start. Bing bong. It's the first time.
29:55 - 30:02
It's at the front door. Not only is it the front door, it's a man with an enormous thing.
30:02 - 30:15
And I'll tell you what that is. That is a new mattress. So has it come in a sort of Hoover sucked bag?
30:15 - 30:20
So it's small, you know, there's going to hopefully a moment where you sort of unfurl the mattress.
30:20 - 30:30
Yes. That's a really exciting. Okay, great. Okay. I'm excited. Now, the problem is, is four days before this, we've had the same thing.
30:30 - 30:38
So new mattress. Yeah. Uh, we've, we've got a new mattress that is utterly unsuccessful.
30:38 - 30:52
I thought I'd done due diligence and had bought a mattress off the internet. Like again, I'm, I'm trampling on our potential sponsors.
30:55 - 31:05
Mattress reviews are just absolute bollocks online. Like they're definitely planting stories about how great they are.
31:05 - 31:17
They all are. So I'll be careful. I mean, who goes on as someone who's only reviews a cafe, if someone else has put on a one star review, then I have to try and like counterbalance it to make it carbon neutral.
31:17 - 31:21
Who goes, this match is really nice. What I need to do now is go and review it.
31:21 - 31:36
You just line it and go, this is nice. So, I bought what I thought was the cutting edge mattress a few days before it's arrived again, really exciting where you get a scissors,
31:36 - 31:48
cut open the vacuum pack. And it, it does this sort of glumping thing where the four corners kind of hop out.
31:48 - 31:52
Like your Ming vases are in the wrong place. And you're like, Oh yeah. Yeah.
31:52 - 32:08
It's got a sort of Frankenstein vibe. To it as it comes to life. And then with all of these mattresses with these two mattresses, they, they all say, don't lie on it for 12 hours.
32:08 - 32:22
It's going to magically come to life over the 12 hours. Now mattress one has come to life, but you might as well be lying in a bath of shaving foam.
32:22 - 32:32
It was an absolute, a waterbed. Is it? It's a waterbed. Well, when you sat on it, your arse touched the wood underneath the mattress.
32:32 - 32:40
I mean, what? That is no good for anyone. I mean, for the tape, David weighs 84 stone.
32:40 - 32:49
That is worth pointing out. I, I've been banging on about my sore shoulders. So, so here's what's caused all of this.
32:49 - 33:07
I mean, I've had sore shoulders for all of this year that I've decided, is due to my six year old orthopedic, quite hard mattress that in the night I've been compensating by placing pillows around my body in different places,
33:07 - 33:17
placing my arms in different places. I mean, check everything is showbiz.com. I've definitely been put the word David's shoulders into it.
33:17 - 33:26
And so I bought a new mattress. That's an absolute dud. Now they did have, a return policy.
33:26 - 33:32
However, they have not got in touch yet about the returning. And these are super King size mattress.
33:32 - 33:39
So we have one that we don't want that is now leaning against a wall.
33:39 - 33:51
And then the man arrives with the second one. And there is an interesting moment here, Max, which is we are relaxed and in morning breakfast, coffee mode.
33:51 - 33:57
And then there's something about a mattress because the guy just leaves it in the hall to then have to drag it up.
33:57 - 34:02
It's me. I'm the Helen copter. It's heavy. Like, yeah, it's hard to get hold of as well.
34:02 - 34:07
It's, you know, you know, in like the world's strongest man, at some point they have to just pick up like a giant tire.
34:07 - 34:12
And it's like, this is not only heavy, it's, it's unwieldy. That's where the situation we're in.
34:12 - 34:18
Do you think if me and Helen copter could operate as a team, we would win the world's strongest man?
34:18 - 34:28
I don't think so. No, we're both pretty strong. Okay. I'm like, I'm delighted. But like, at some point you have to like pull a truck a hundred meters with your teeth.
34:28 - 34:36
So I don't like, I would definitely enter. And I suspect there will be question marks on the application form.
34:36 - 34:41
I can't enter as a couple, but I just, I think the answer is categorically.
34:41 - 34:49
No. What about if we got a Lululemon leotard and me and Helen were both inside it, you know what I mean?
34:49 - 34:54
It would be quite adorable. It would be adorable. But again, actually that would make things more difficult.
34:54 - 35:00
Not for you, but in a sort of chuckle brothers way, I think that doesn't increase your speed.
35:00 - 35:14
If anything, that makes you slower. Helen goes to work. What we're going to have, what you are about to be subject to and the listeners is a day of relentless accomplishment.
35:14 - 35:22
Wow. Hang on. Have you opened the new mattress? Oh yeah. Yeah. We've put it there.
35:22 - 35:34
It now takes eight hours. Four hours for it to find its life. So yes, we've, we've left it in position and I am going to paint the railings.
35:34 - 35:44
Wow. Yeah. So four years ago. Yes. From the, uh, the, the man with the microphone.
35:44 - 35:54
Yeah. Uh, who's railings? My railings. Outside the front door. Yes. There it's, it's not a big house.
35:54 - 36:04
Uh, but there is a nice Victorian cast iron railing that runs around it, but they're nice railings.
36:04 - 36:17
They're in fairness to the Victorians. They loved an ornate railing. And four years ago during Pando, I decided the paint hadn't been taken off them for a hundred years.
36:17 - 36:28
So I got a quote for how much this would cost to do. And then I said to myself, no, I'm going to do this using YouTube videos.
36:28 - 36:38
And I would say 30 seconds into it realized why the quote was so much. Cause this was going to take weeks and weeks and weeks.
36:38 - 36:42
It's technical work, isn't it? Right. It's harder than a wall. I mean, I speak as someone who's never painted anything.
36:42 - 36:49
My guess is that. Yes. And then you also have the added problem of lead.
36:49 - 36:59
There are possibly layers of lead paint on it. And so you have to wear, uh, breathing device and sunglasses.
36:59 - 37:05
Yeah. Yeah. So it's like you're entering Chernobyl. Well, that's what it was like four years ago, but now we just need a top up.
37:05 - 37:15
We just need one more layer. So it's going to take six to eight hours, but it's going to have to just be work, work, work.
37:15 - 37:23
Question. Two questions. Question. One is the other week you power washed some patio. Yeah.
37:23 - 37:31
Today you're painting railings. Are you, are you looking to get into the kind of Nick Knowles sort of house refurbishment market?
37:31 - 37:36
Like, are you trying to use this podcast as a way of saying I could do these do or upper type shows?
37:36 - 37:44
Is that what you're looking for? Yes, absolutely. Next thing you say, I renovated the bathroom.
37:44 - 37:50
I'll be suspicious. Question two. Do you not have an Edinburgh show to do? Yeah.
37:50 - 37:57
And why are you painting railings for eight hours? Yeah, I do. But the night before, I'd done quite a successful preview.
37:57 - 38:04
Right. We're in good shape. We're in, we're, we're looking in pretty good shape now.
38:04 - 38:15
And also I am going to be listening back to that several times because we made up a lot of fun stuff the night before.
38:15 - 38:19
So we need to listen to that and take notes. So I will have a bit of paper.
38:19 - 38:26
Okay, good. Okay. Yeah. It'd be funny if next week, I perform like heart surgery.
38:26 - 38:33
I put some stance into another day where I don't know. I'm just trying to get work in a variety of different fields.
38:33 - 38:44
I remember years ago, I went to Germany for the summer when I was 19, when we were in university to get high paying jobs with BMW.
38:44 - 38:58
And you drive a forklift truck or clean something. I can't remember. I was a floor cleaner in the end in, in a factory, but, but there were no, we couldn't get a job obviously because I couldn't speak German.
38:58 - 39:03
And then my, my friend Rachel said there were jobs going in the fruit factory.
39:03 - 39:13
And she told me to go into the Arbeit's Ampt, the employment office and say to them, Ich suche ein Arbeit.
39:13 - 39:23
I'm looking for a job in der Obstfabrik in the, in the fruit factory. And unfortunately at the time, that was all of the German that I had.
39:24 - 39:31
So I get to the front desk and I say, Ich suche ein Arbeit in der Obstfabrik.
39:31 - 39:38
And obviously the person is like, yeah, yeah, sure, sure. I'll just find the form there.
39:38 - 39:47
And so I just remained in absolute silence and they come back. What an enigmatic, what an enigmatic fruit factory guy this is.
39:47 - 39:59
Fruit is my passion. Der Obst ist mein passion. And he was like, okay, great.
39:59 - 40:04
What's a presumably he said, what's your, what's your name? Like I'm about to fill in the form or whatever.
40:04 - 40:16
And all I could say was, Ich suche ein Arbeit in der Obstfabrik. At which point it being Germany, he was just like, is that the only German that you have?
40:16 - 40:24
Homer Simpson style. I had to be like, yes. He was like, no, you need more German to work at the fruit factory.
40:24 - 40:37
And I'm like, okay, bye. It's all about preparation. Let me, these gargantuan civic projects that I undertake.
40:37 - 40:50
And the first thing you need to do is get a small brush and brush off all of the cobwebs and dust, et cetera, that are built up on the railings for the last.
40:50 - 41:01
How many railings are we talking about? For years. I would say six feet going forward, 20 feet across and six feet coming back.
41:01 - 41:05
So I want to, how many railings? I mean, that could, they could be wide apart.
41:05 - 41:10
Couldn't that could be four could be a hundred. I don't know. That wouldn't make sense as railings.
41:10 - 41:17
If they were, you know, some way, not all railings make sense. A hundred railings.
41:17 - 41:24
I would say. Holy moly. Okay. Each railing. I'll take you through it. Can I say a question?
41:24 - 41:30
Are you going to talk us through painting each railing? I mean, I'm in for it.
41:30 - 41:33
I don't know about everyone else, but by railing 72, this is going to get good.
41:33 - 41:46
Each railing is the exact same. At the top, you've got similar to a deck of cards, a thing that looks like a spade from the spade.
41:46 - 41:56
Yes. Okay. Suit is a word. Then there is, under that is the bar that essentially holds them together.
41:56 - 42:06
That's what's become discolored. Okay. Right. And then there's a long straight bit and then there's an ornate bit at the bottom.
42:06 - 42:17
Okay. That's, there's a few different sections here. That's basically what you're dealing with. I think most people, I mean, you know, when you describe who Dion Dubbin is, it's people going,
42:17 - 42:26
I know what a railing is. I've done one of my interruptions. This is what railings are.
42:26 - 42:31
For listeners who don't know, some of our listeners in the United States, perhaps a railing is anyway.
42:31 - 42:41
Is this a new low for the podcast? Is this worse than me banging on about a jazz promotion?
42:41 - 42:50
It's not been out yet. Well, I don't know who's, who the guest is on Saturday, but there's a moment in the Charlie Baker episode, which I really think I absolutely loved.
42:50 - 42:59
It's the most important, dull moment we've ever had on the podcast. You and Charlie talking about fitting your 80 year old dad's shoes.
42:59 - 43:12
Really? Absolutely. What's going on? To the listeners, you always know Max has these out of body moments.
43:12 - 43:20
Cause he sits right back from the mic as if to be like proceed. Okay.
43:20 - 43:30
We brush it all down. And then dash inside to watch the British and Irish lions in rugby.
43:30 - 43:46
Have a largely meaningless pre-test warmup against the Brumbies of camera. Yeah. Okay. So I watch 60 to 70 minutes of that.
43:46 - 43:52
I don't have the channel. So I watch an illegal stream of it. Oh, we, yeah.
43:52 - 43:59
And I think I've probably scuppered more of our sponsors now, but a saucy pop-ups just keep coming.
43:59 - 44:10
Not now. Saucy pop-ups. I've also got the full pop-ups is a second row. It's one of those.
44:10 - 44:14
It's one of those players that was actually born in the Pacific islands, but he's playing for the British island lions.
44:14 - 44:21
And it's a really controversial thing. The Aussies are making a lot of mileage out of not even born in the home nations.
44:21 - 44:39
What? Saucy pop-ups doing playing for you. Also, you get the Aussie commentary and the problem with the Aussie commentary on rugby union, which no one really cares about in Australia is a lot of it is the games gone
44:39 - 44:48
chat because you can't even punch a man in the face anymore without getting a yellow card and break another man's neck.
44:48 - 45:03
You're right. So, uh, the game is run out of steam around 60 minutes. So I'll go out to the shed now because we're ready for the painting, the hammer writing hammer.
45:03 - 45:12
Right. Is a black railing black metal paint that contains a primer. So you only have to do one coat.
45:12 - 45:18
And this podcast is brought to you by hammer. Right. I won't paint my railings with anything else.
45:18 - 45:26
David, uh, four years ago, I bought the, the large tin of it and I didn't finish it.
45:26 - 45:35
Uh, so I get it out. I open it with a screwdriver. It's been stored at a 45 degree angle.
45:35 - 45:48
So it's, it's kind of fascinating because a hard film has formed on top of us, uh, which I stab with the screwdriver and underneath there is just enough hammer.
45:48 - 45:53
Right. To do this job that I won't have to then go. Um, buy some hammer, right.
45:53 - 46:00
And that's the hammer. I'd guarantee lives up to five years. Once you chisel away the film.
46:00 - 46:17
So, uh, Clarence has given me a shout. Uh, Clarence is a woman, real name, Clara, everyone calls her Clarence and she's having lunch around the corner.
46:17 - 46:22
And I've watched the rugby. I've brushed off the cobwebs. I've got the paintbrush. Paint ready to go.
46:22 - 46:39
I need a little snack before embarking on this great task. So I go to, uh, my local neighborhood cafe, the Fumbly, which people not from Dublin, but from the rest of Ireland,
46:39 - 46:49
many would regard it as like the epicenter of a certain sort of wanker. This is gentrification.
46:49 - 47:04
It's not really gentrification. It's more just your, just your average wanker, just your, just your normal wanker, just a sort of Berlin type vibe.
47:04 - 47:14
Okay. Very cool. Very cool. That's me. I have a large bowl of soup. Uh, I have a good chat with Clarence.
47:14 - 47:21
Uh, it was courgette fennel. It was big brown liquid that came in a basin.
47:21 - 47:33
Uh, it came with some nice bread. I had an Arancini bowl as well because I'm about to embark on such incredible work that I, I really need a lot of energy.
47:33 - 47:42
Bang. Uh, we say goodbye to Clarence. She's going to Ikea to return a duvet cover.
47:42 - 47:57
And so it begins. Here we go. I select the brush and I immediately start.
47:57 - 48:08
I'm an innovator when it comes to painting Max. And so I start with say Monet, Da Vinci, Turner, Picasso, O'Doherty.
48:08 - 48:21
Yeah. Uh, so I start with the brush and realize that the brush is loser town because it, you need the brush to do the ornate bits, but there's actually quite a lot of flat parts to the railing.
48:21 - 48:36
So, so I get a, a small roller and actually for the main, uh, spear, the snooker cue part of the railings, the, the small roller is the way to go because you just shoot up and down at the,
48:36 - 48:50
I'm enjoying it a lot. Yeah. Good fun. Listen to podcasts. Great. The only problem is I am getting hammer right on my hands, which is an oil based paint.
48:50 - 48:58
So I then, I can't change the podcast on my phone. So I'm just whatever the next thing that it rolls into.
48:58 - 49:06
Um, I'll listen to that and fine. Uh, I need to go to the loo then Max.
49:06 - 49:21
Are you listening to serious news or fun fun? No, I'm listening to, yeah, that's the thing about when you just let one roll into the other, you listen to a serious news one and then an immediate on the whistle reaction to the,
49:21 - 49:28
uh, not exciting rugby match that you just watched this morning, et cetera. But this is where things get spicy.
49:28 - 49:39
I need to do a wee. Okay. Yeah. And like, I, I leave it slightly too long as in kind of bursting.
49:39 - 49:44
You're bursting. Uh, cause I'm trying, I'll just finish this one. Great. Yeah. Go straight down.
49:44 - 50:01
Lovely. The relief of the well-earned P is great. But I mean, I don't want this to get too saucy, but I looked down and I've got a hammer right on my wang.
50:01 - 50:07
Okay, good. Cause it was all over my hands. Very much the 101st railing as we call it.
50:07 - 50:21
And so I figured that I don't want it to, to stay there for, it's probably not great for, the dong.
50:21 - 50:27
You don't want it for the next four years. Yeah. Because that's it. There's like a, there's a four year guarantee.
50:27 - 50:33
Yeah. That's exactly what it says on the tin, which is it never comes off.
50:33 - 50:38
I don't think that was hammer right. But it doesn't, that's Ron seal. You mustn't get these muddled up.
50:38 - 50:46
Yeah. But the tin might as well have a big writing on it. Don't get it on your dong.
50:46 - 50:58
You're right. And so I then have to, to reach for the swarfega, which I think we've discussed on the podcast before, which is a non-toxic paint removal.
50:58 - 51:08
It's got a sand in it. I mean, I would say not as an expert, but if I was removing paint from my penis, I would go for the non-toxic.
51:08 - 51:22
Anyway, I successfully remove it then, but there's a point where it's really bad because in trying to remove it, there's more paint on my hands.
51:22 - 51:30
I have just got more on, on it. Yeah. But yeah, Helen's mom listens to this podcast.
51:30 - 51:39
So this is, I didn't intend to talk about this, but it's meant to be the whole day.
51:39 - 51:46
Helen's mom, nothing would please me more than the next time you see David, if you just say, have you swarfega'd your penis?
51:46 - 51:52
You can do that. That's just amazing. That's just for you. No one else needs that.
51:52 - 52:05
I wonder how many swarfega references, if only there was some website where you could check how many times I've mentioned swarfega on this podcast and whether the AI can in fact spell swarfega would be interesting as well.
52:05 - 52:14
There follows just six hours of solid work. It's, it's satisfying because you see where you are.
52:14 - 52:23
You know exactly how long it's taken to get here and you can therefore, because me and Helen, I'm going to Helen's friend for dinner at seven.
52:23 - 52:30
So I work right up till quarter to seven. Get it all done. Yeah, I get it.
52:30 - 52:34
I got it all done. No, but I still have paint all over my legs and all of that.
52:34 - 52:39
So I go to dinner. I don't have time to shower or anything like that.
52:39 - 52:54
Interesting. But that's okay. I have also listened to the last midweek episode of what to do yesterday and heard the, the Saurapods poem that Marv has set to music.
52:54 - 53:02
There's a point where, I mean, it's wildly self-indulgent, but I am laughing at our stupid podcast.
53:02 - 53:08
That's good. That's a good sign. I think it's terrible if you listen going, God, this is boring.
53:08 - 53:15
I mean, that would be bad as the swarfega dries off. I listen to the podcast and yeah.
53:15 - 53:26
So do the whole railings. I'm sure one of the listeners, we'll have seen me do it and we'll get some comment on it next week.
53:26 - 53:30
I meet a lot of the neighbors. That's the other thing that happens when you paint the railings.
53:30 - 53:34
Cause everyone says, Oh, I should do that. I'm like, would you do mine when you're finished?
53:34 - 53:41
Yeah. All of that. But by the time the fifth person does that, it's a bit like, I probably talked about this.
53:41 - 53:47
You know, if you're walking home from kinder with an empty pram, the next person is like, you've forgotten your baby.
53:47 - 53:55
You just want to go, Oh my God, please. And you see, you said, Oh no, you said, you say that you see their eyes light up for about 30 yards away.
53:55 - 53:57
They are going to deliver. This is going to be good. It's going to be good.
53:57 - 54:14
Just like, don't even bother. Come on. We go for, uh, Helen's friends have a fancy outdoor, uh, barbecue that looks, look like a first world war.
54:14 - 54:20
See mine. One of those eggs. My friend Dave's got an egg. Yeah. The green egg.
54:20 - 54:26
Yeah. Unbelievable. Now they, it's not gas, it's solid fuel. So it's a proper barbecue.
54:26 - 54:35
But at one point, Dan opens it and a flame just shoots out and, uh, Turkish barber creme brulee style.
54:35 - 54:42
Wow. All the hair on his arm. Oh, that's exciting. Uh, but the steak is delicious.
54:42 - 54:52
We have lovely evening. I really feel like I have accomplished something today. Will you, will you, really hoping people said, and what have you been up to today?
54:52 - 55:02
Cause you had some railing chat. It's incredibly obvious what I have been up to today because I have paint all over your penis.
55:02 - 55:14
I have black paint, uh, all over my outfit. Uh, we stay there until about half 10 and we cycle home.
55:14 - 55:23
Then I'm excited because how much has the new mattress inflated? I know this I'm coming to the end.
55:23 - 55:28
This is, we're trying to keep it under an hour as well. And you'll notice this is so exciting.
55:28 - 55:31
I saw you just look at the clock and just turn to a new speed.
55:31 - 55:38
I'd never seen before. I've spent 700 quid on a mattress that what's it like when we get back?
55:38 - 55:45
And it turns out it's the exact same as the first mattress that I bribed.
55:45 - 55:53
I paid 40 quid to the guy who dropped the first, which is the candy floss one to take it away.
55:53 - 56:01
And now 700 quid later, I've effectively just got it back again. So we shrug our shoulders.
56:01 - 56:07
Oh, well, sink into the mattress, just your mouth poking out from the top of it.
56:07 - 56:14
That is, as it envelops you, even the cats like this is bullshit. This is absolute bullshit.
56:14 - 56:19
And it goes off to sleep. And that is what I did yesterday. Oh, good day.
56:19 - 56:29
Good. Good day. They're so different to my, do you do so many things? I'm not saying that in a jealous way.
56:29 - 56:41
Chasing a goose. See where I end up following this goose. Oh, good stuff. Hey, if you'd like to get in touch with the podcast, we really value your input, especially for the first half of this,
56:41 - 56:53
the midweek episodes without your interaction, it would be nothing. Here's how. To get in touch with the show, you can email us at what did you do yesterday?
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Pod at gmail.com. Follow us on Instagram at yesterday pod, and please subscribe and leave a review.
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If you liked it on your preferred podcast platform. And if you didn't, please don't.
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Hey, thanks David. This was fun. And do you know what? If we round this all off within the next 24 seconds, we'll have done it under an hour.
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The question is, do we, do we have the self-control to end this podcast now in the next 15 seconds?
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I think I could end it quick because I am anxious to go up. I just want to stare at the railings.
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Oh, I'm going to go up there and just, oh shit. It's just gone an hour.
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I think we both thought that would happen. Thank you, David. Everything is showbiz, in it for life.
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Thanks Max. Let's do it again soon. Cheers. Bye. Thank you.