S3 EP3: Guy Montgomery

0:00 - 0:11

Podcasts, there are millions of them. Some might say too many. I have one already.

0:11 - 0:20

I don't have any, because there are enough. Politics, business, sport, you name it, there's a podcast about it, and they all ask the big questions and cover the hot topics of the day.

0:20 - 0:25

But nobody is covering the most important topic of all. Why is that? Are they scared?

0:25 - 0:34

Too afraid of being censored by the man? Possibly, but not us. We're here to ask the only question that matters.

0:34 - 0:38

We try and say it at the same time, Max. What did you do yesterday?

0:38 - 0:44

What did you do yesterday? That's it. All we're interested in is what the guests got up to yesterday, nothing more.

0:44 - 0:51

Day before yesterday, Max? Nope. The greatest and most interesting day of your life? Unless it was yesterday, we don't want to know about it.

0:51 - 1:03

I'm Max Rushden. And I'm David O'Doherty. Welcome to What Did You Do Yesterday? Welcome to What Did You Do Yesterday?

1:03 - 1:09

For the tape we've just finished recording this episode. It's a good one, in my opinion, David.

1:09 - 1:15

Were you to pass away, I think today's guest would be a very good replacement for you.

1:15 - 1:21

Yeah, I think so. Because you creepily bond a lot over the course of this.

1:21 - 1:28

We do, yeah. It's Guy Montgomery, who is a huge comedian. He's from New Zealand?

1:28 - 1:36

Born and raised? Born and raised in Wellington, I think. And I met him first, maybe 10 years ago.

1:36 - 1:44

Yeah, I met him 11 years ago. He did his first show with former guest Rose Mattafeo.

1:44 - 1:54

He got early into podcasting with a series of podcasts that he still does with Tim Batt called The Worst Idea of All Time.

1:54 - 1:58

We discussed this a little in the app. This will give you an idea. This is such a vibe.

1:58 - 2:14

He has a podcast. A podcast called Till Death Us Do Blart, where every year on the same day, Thanksgiving, I think, they watch Paul Blart, Mal Cop, the movie, and record a podcast immediately afterwards once a year.

2:14 - 2:23

And if one of them dies, in the terms of it is, they will be replaced by someone else, such that Till Death Us Do Blart will never, ever end.

2:23 - 2:39

He is the host of one of my favourite television programmes, which is... It's called Guy Montgomery's Guymont Spelling Bee, which started in New Zealand and got huge, and now they're making episodes of it in Australia.

2:39 - 2:50

It's one of those shows where I don't know why it's not everywhere around the world, because it's clearly not that expensive to make, and it's just a blummin' spelling competition.

2:50 - 2:59

I think he's a wonder. I love his stand-up. The new series of his spelling show is starting in Australia now, where he's on tour.

2:59 - 3:05

It's great to have him with us today. It is. Three people together who've all cracked Australia.

3:05 - 3:16

Like the Bee Gees. Are you talking about the Bee Gees? Yeah, yeah, yeah. In many ways, me, you, and Guy could be the next Bee Gees, couldn't we?

3:16 - 3:31

Anyway, here is what Guy Montgomery did yesterday. Guy Montgomery, welcome to What Did You Do Yesterday?

3:31 - 3:37

Oh, thank you, Max. And might I say, welcome to you. Welcome to you, David O'Doherty, too.

3:37 - 3:52

Welcome to all of us. The trickiest part of organising this, because this was one of my bookings, one of the very few, let's be real, as Guy is in Sydney at the moment, you're in Melbourne, so there

3:52 - 3:57

was quite a lot of faffing as to a time, I'm in Dublin, as to when we could all be on this.

3:57 - 4:10

But I use the term... I mean, this is going to reflect quite poorly on him, but in organising this, I said, it'll be 10.30 GMT, which is time in Ireland and Greenwich, for example.

4:10 - 4:22

But he thought I meant Guy Montgomery time for GMT. That is an extraordinary... It has its own abbreviation.

4:22 - 4:27

Well, in my defence, I did have a joke last year where I talked about...

4:27 - 4:34

I talked about sort of reappropriating GMT to be more reflective, because, you know, around this part of the world, Greenwich is meaningless to us.

4:34 - 4:50

And, you know, I'm making an imprint down here, David. And secondably, I'd like to say, as the host, the producer, the booker, very often, if you are reaching out to a podcast guest across oceans and time zones, you will do the math.

4:50 - 4:57

You will offer not just the time zone it works for you, but the hypothetical time zone that might function for the guest.

4:57 - 5:11

You make a good point. And not only that, he really has a case study working quite closely with him in exactly that time zone, has recorded every podcast pretty much in this time zone, like he's had it on a plate.

5:11 - 5:27

What I want to drill down into here is, if GMT Guy Montgomery time is going to become the central time of, say, Oceania, or whatever you want to call the general region where you are a lot of the time.

5:27 - 5:34

Does that just change as to where you are? That's the thing about Greenwich Mean Time, is it's based in Greenwich.

5:34 - 5:41

So that is obviously one of the few strengths remaining when you argue for Greenwich Mean Time, is the consistency.

5:41 - 5:50

He doesn't tour as much, Greenwich. You know, that's the thing. Greenwich got one job at the start and just locked in and said, I've got this.

5:50 - 5:57

It's a different market now. You have to diversify. And I will say, I'm open to negotiation.

5:57 - 6:04

That is one of the challenges with Guy Montgomery time becoming the default time zone from which everyone in the UK and Ireland operate from.

6:04 - 6:11

And I mean, also, everyone else works off it, don't they? So that's a lot of responsibility for you.

6:11 - 6:15

Because the whole population of the earth, depending on where you are. No, no, no.

6:15 - 6:23

See, your brain is also broken because you are from the United Kingdom. And so you are too deferential to Greenwich Mean Time.

6:23 - 6:34

Greenwich Mean Time is an obstacle to progress. A hangover from a colonial era, sorry, and area, the UK, which we will no longer abide.

6:34 - 6:43

And Time Zone Calculator is the new alpha papa of timekeeping. Timezonecalculator.com for all your time zone needs.

6:43 - 6:48

Is this our first? Because we are yet to actually be sponsored by anyone, much to our surprise.

6:48 - 6:53

So I'm happy for that to be the first, them to throw some. Lineker did mention wagon wheels a lot.

6:53 - 6:59

And so I am slightly suspicious. He's mentioning Time Zone Calculator. I'm shocked Lineker's not snapped you up.

6:59 - 7:03

I thought by the time I was on, this would be called The Rest Is Yesterday.

7:03 - 7:10

See, I think if I was wagon wheel and I don't want to do us down, I'd probably go straight to Lineker.

7:10 - 7:17

I think they might miss out the middlemen. He's soft launching the sponsorship. Right, Guy, come on.

7:17 - 7:24

Where did you wake up yesterday? Well, I woke up in my bed, one of my favorite places in all the world to wake up.

7:24 - 7:30

Marvelous. I woke up on the right-hand side of the bed. Yeah. If you are me in the bed.

7:30 - 7:33

If you're facing the bed, you'd say it's the left-hand side of the bed. Yeah.

7:33 - 7:38

And my partner Chelsea was on the other side of the bed. Oh, wow. Surely it's the GMS, the Guy Montgomery side.

7:38 - 7:51

I take my acronym reappropriations one at a time, Max. I'm not too crazy. And I woke up at, I would say, approximately 6.30 a.m.

7:51 - 7:57

Wow. Another one of these guys, Max. Another one of these guys. Where are we?

7:57 - 8:04

Where? We're in Auckland, New Zealand. Great. We are in Mount Roskill, and I will say no more for fear of doxing myself.

8:04 - 8:14

And we're actually surprised to be awake at this hour because I had an alarm set for 7.15, and the body just did its thing at 6.30.

8:14 - 8:21

And historically, I can go back down for my extra 45 minutes, but on this morning, I was up.

8:21 - 8:29

Is it a I'm-up-you're-up household with you and Mrs. Montgomery, or did you leave your… Wife to sleep.

8:29 - 8:40

Great question. Thank you. It is a good question. I think the notion that she is being referred to as Mrs. Montgomery as someone who is not my wife, even if she were to be my wife,

8:40 - 8:49

would absolutely balk at the idea of taking on the Montgomery surname. It's hilarious. And I demand that that edit point stays in.

8:49 - 8:54

That would be one of the earliest samurai swords in your podcast, is Max correcting his assumptions.

8:54 - 9:06

But no, so I am historically, I'm up first in our house. So I leave Chels to continue sleeping, and I lay next to her for 10 to 15 minutes, I would say,

9:06 - 9:12

to sort of give myself a window of opportunity to fall back asleep. But it doesn't come.

9:12 - 9:18

And so I think, you know what? I'm going to take some time to be in this house by myself before anyone else is up.

9:18 - 9:25

Question. Wow. Have you thought, oh, I have to do, what did you do yesterday, tomorrow, yet?

9:25 - 9:34

Not yet. Not immediately. But that thought, like the sword of Damocles, that thought does at various different points hang over the day.

9:34 - 9:42

Once I am up and about, but the point at which, which is not immediate, but the point at which I'm looking at my sort of, you know, what's in front of me for the day,

9:42 - 9:51

I am sort of looking at it through the prism of how will this reflect upon me when discussed and analysed on the podcast.

9:51 - 9:56

I must also say I'm a fan of the podcast. I love hearing about people's yesterdays.

9:56 - 10:03

And so I spoke. I suppose it's a funny thing, isn't it? The dream is to just rock up and not know or care about any of it.

10:03 - 10:13

But as someone who enjoys the granular analysis of days, I'm feeling quite self-conscious. If you're, as a fan of someone's yesterdays, it's lucky we began this podcast because until this,

10:13 - 10:17

you actually had to go and ask people. And that is a faff, isn't it?

10:17 - 10:21

And now you just get it served to you. This is the dream. This is the dream.

10:21 - 10:27

I'd be walking around Auckland's high street, listening to Paul McCartney's Yesterday, just randomly asking.

10:27 - 10:33

Asking strangers, what did they get up to recently? Okay, so where do we go?

10:33 - 10:37

Where do we, you've got the whole house, it's all yours for upwards of half an hour.

10:37 - 10:43

What are you going to do with this dream time? So first things first, I want to put coffee in the pot.

10:43 - 10:47

This is a classic way to start the day. I want to get the coffee on.

10:47 - 10:58

We are running a Mockermaster, which was at the research and suggestion of Chels, because that means if we're running different timelines in the morning, the coffee stays hot.

10:58 - 11:06

It's still only one round of coffee making. Very clever. However, I discovered that we are out of Mockermaster filters.

11:06 - 11:17

So hang on, you can't presume everyone knows what a Mockermaster is. So it's presumably American diner style one with the drip, drip, drip.

11:17 - 11:28

No, it's a small Italian gentleman who makes fantastic chocolate cappuccinos. Your initial suspicion is, absolutely on the money.

11:28 - 11:33

It's basically, it's the American diner for at-home use. Yeah. This is Jack Reacher coffee.

11:33 - 11:39

This is the coffee that Reacher drinks. So I'm automatically impressed with it because he's who I aspire to be.

11:39 - 11:51

Beside it, Guy, do you have a water cooler with small spear-shaped paper cups? Yes, the little cones.

11:51 - 11:57

Good question. It's got a real cop station vibe, this whole house. I have never understood the conical cups.

11:57 - 12:06

I don't know if I've missed some generational moment where I'm meant to understand why the conical cup is running next to these water coolers.

12:06 - 12:14

It is a triumph of engineering when the water doesn't come out the very sort of narrow hole at the bottom, but it blows my mind that it's in circulation at all.

12:14 - 12:20

Max, do you know what I'm starting to think here? Tell me. Is that he's leaving out key details.

12:20 - 12:27

So from the coffee machine, it's clearly a police station. Okay. Is it possible he has a coffee machine?

12:27 - 12:35

He has been in the cells. That's why he was cagey last night. Him and his partner were both taken in for some.

12:35 - 12:40

I mean, we can't ask because it was yesterday. As yet, we haven't established if Chels is Mrs. Montgomery.

12:40 - 12:56

That just might be a cellmate. Yeah, it's possible, isn't it? You're both arching back to sort of the Pierre Novelli arc of the podcast, which is that this is some sort of meta intertextual narrative in which all of the loose strands will eventually connect with one another.

12:57 - 13:09

I'd like to reassure David that this is not a police station. And I would like to circle back to Max saying he aspires to be Jack Reacher by saying what part of you or any of the ways that you carry yourself

13:09 - 13:17

would even suggest to a stranger that this is the case. One of the most incongruent sort of aspirational sentences I've heard in my life.

13:17 - 13:26

I didn't say I was close to achieving it. I just like that, you know, there is one thing we have in common, which is he once said, sleep when you can, like a Marine.

13:27 - 13:34

Very much hold that true. Like sleep when you can. You don't know like when the next chance is going to be.

13:34 - 13:38

And I mean, I have a sort of similar attitude to clothes, which is very much I wear the clothes on my back.

13:38 - 13:44

And when they're really running out, I will toss him into the dumpster and buy a new set.

13:44 - 13:56

But there are other bits of our lives that are different. Also, in the second Jack Reacher film, it's revealed just in passing that he does five hours of podcasting about football every day.

13:57 - 14:01

Similarity. That was left out of the TV bit. Tom Cruise didn't want that bit.

14:01 - 14:09

Max, the parts of Jack Reacher that you sort of are reaching towards are like the laziest kind of most incidental to his insane lifestyle.

14:09 - 14:18

Also, I mean, I could knock anyone out. Oh, yeah. I can survey the scene and just go, I'm elbowing him in the face.

14:18 - 14:24

I'm chinning him. I'm breaking his neck. That's what I'm normally – when I walk into a room, that's what I normally do.

14:24 - 14:32

Is this like self-aggrandizing analysis? Or is this honest analysis? So it's like you know when you could, and it's nearly always when you walk into a kindergarten.

14:32 - 14:37

In any other environment, you're running the same numbers. And you're like, no, no, no, no.

14:37 - 14:46

So first I need to liberate the little tyke's house. And then I need to get on that low-speed motorbike and ride straight out of here.

14:46 - 14:52

That's the order. I'll take over this kid. Okay, so we've turned on the Mockermaster.

14:52 - 14:56

But we have no filters. We have no filters. This is a problem. What are you going to do, Garth?

14:56 - 15:08

Use something else. And immediately my thought becomes, okay, the Mockermaster's out this morning. We also have a Chemex, one of those sort of large glass coffee makers where you put a conical filter, which could be reappropriated,

15:08 - 15:17

but I don't think that at the time, at the top. But this is what we were replacing because this meant if I made the first wave of coffee, the second wave's no longer fresh.

15:17 - 15:22

And so I think, do you know what? I'm going to hold off on the coffee.

15:22 - 15:33

I don't need the coffee. Wow. And so instead I reach for my, my phone, which is charging on the kitchen bench, and I settle into the work of my morning word puzzles,

15:33 - 15:45

which is one of my favorite parts of the day. You know, probably actually, yeah, one of the highlights of every day, which with time to reflect is kind of insane because it's basically the first thing I do.

15:45 - 15:50

So the entire day is falling action from this moment. This is the pinnacle. Yeah.

15:50 - 15:55

What are you going for, Guy? We're beginning with Wordle, I presume. That's everyone's go-to style, isn't it?

15:55 - 15:58

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Wordle is like a sort of, it's the throwaway dessert.

15:58 - 16:05

It's the after eight dinnermint of the word puzzles. And the real meat and potatoes is the Quardle.

16:05 - 16:16

Okay. Which, as I understand, does not have its own standalone app. You have to open your preferred browser on your phone and look up Quardle.com.

16:16 - 16:23

And it is four simultaneous Wordles. Oh, my God. And you get nine opportunities to solve.

16:23 - 16:31

So every guess you make appears across all four different, different Wordle guesses. And then you're honing in on which ones you're trying to focus on.

16:31 - 16:39

You're trying to shed yourself of your vowels and consonants up top. And then you're really working towards eight is sort of par.

16:39 - 16:47

Seven is pretty nice. Six is like, whoa, we are in for a day. My colleague enjoys Squardle.

16:47 - 16:54

And is Squardle just for Wordle? I did that one for a bit. It was just too much for me.

16:54 - 17:01

What is Squardle? Squardle is. It's like got a grid. And it might say that you can find 68 words in this.

17:01 - 17:08

And then you just go line, lines, spine. You know, you just go round and round and round and round.

17:08 - 17:15

And then it's quite fun. And then sometimes there's like a 16-letter word. And when you get that and you go all the way around like a big snake and it goes a million points, it's actually quite satisfying.

17:15 - 17:20

I like to go to bed to that. Are you describing a word find? Yeah.

17:20 - 17:27

I mean, in a sense, yes. But because it's got Erdl on the end of it, it feels very much.

17:27 - 17:32

It feels very much part of the family. The suffix Erdl has reached saturation point a while ago.

17:32 - 17:38

It's meaningless now. For me and the Helen Copter, doing these puzzles is something we do together.

17:38 - 17:46

Whereas both of you just Jack Reacher it alone. He does puzzles a lot in that thing as well.

17:46 - 17:52

Do you know, I've tried to bring Chelsea onto the Quardle Wave to no avail.

17:52 - 17:57

It's not that she doesn't like it or enjoy it. It's just not sort of built into whatever.

17:57 - 18:02

The reptilian part of my brain must immediately solve a word puzzle when I wake up that is absent from her.

18:02 - 18:10

It's part of what makes her magic and I love her for it. And thankfully though, three of my immediate family members have the same disease I do.

18:10 - 18:16

So I'm in a thread called the Quardle World Champs with Papa Montgomery and the two sisters Montgomery.

18:16 - 18:23

And every day you do your work and you submit your scores and then you either get a pat on the back or cruel admonishment.

18:23 - 18:31

And I'm happy to announce that yesterday I got it out in six. I got the very rare three, four, five, six.

18:31 - 18:37

And I even got a text from dad who's abroad who said something to the, I'll actually, you know what?

18:37 - 18:41

I'm going to dig it up for you. Please do. Yeah, please do. First of all, he said, well, that won't get beaten.

18:41 - 18:47

And then he said, I just explained it to your mother. She thinks you are very clever.

18:47 - 18:58

And then he said to my little sister, he said, she hasn't voiced an opinion about your cleverness, Annie, but an effort matching geezer would be, sure to get her attention.

18:58 - 19:11

Wow. There's pressure on Montgomery's sister now, isn't there? This is exciting. That's right. And so Annie then submits her score about an hour later, but she finishes on nine, which is like scraping by.

19:11 - 19:16

That's bogey. Okay, yeah. And she says, does mum still love me despite this effort?

19:16 - 19:21

And he says, yes, she does. But our efforts have given her a great appreciation for her son's genius.

19:21 - 19:26

Are you the favoured son? That's what we get from this. Do they come to your shows?

19:27 - 19:37

Do they voice an opinion afterwards? There's a sense of pride now that it's working out, but for a long time, dad couldn't come because of his fear of my failure.

19:37 - 19:44

He couldn't stomach watching the chance that his son was about to not be funny in front of how many people I had managed to assemble.

19:44 - 19:52

But more recently, as the odds tip further and further in my favour with each gig, he's learned to enjoy it.

19:52 - 19:59

The favouritism is not based on rearing or upbringing. This is purely based on performance in the Quardle that day.

19:59 - 20:05

Okay, I understand. Also, it can change on any day. That's good. Have you considered inviting other Montgomery's?

20:05 - 20:11

I'm thinking specifically Colin Montgomery. Oh, the golfer? Famously never won a major, but could be good at these sort of things.

20:11 - 20:16

Different spelling, so sadly ineligible. Oh, I see. He's asked to join. He keeps asking.

20:16 - 20:21

Say, Colin, I'm really sorry. There's a request that we all just have to ignore every morning.

20:21 - 20:28

What about Percy Montgomery, the former South African rugby fullback? Would be welcome. Can't get a hold of him.

20:28 - 20:32

Ah, I see. So if you are, Percy, if you're listening, what a wonderful moment that would be.

20:32 - 20:36

We'd feel a great sense of achievement on this podcast. He was an outstanding player.

20:36 - 20:40

And didn't he look a dish while he was running around out there? Absolutely unbelievable.

20:40 - 20:50

Yeah, peroxide blonde and a peroxide moustache. Oh, that's the guy. Yeah, okay. So he wouldn't be, if he was one of the forwards, his fingers would be too thick to do.

20:50 - 20:56

I just don't imagine anyone in the pack could really do a wordle. They've just got massive Dom Jolly phones.

20:57 - 21:05

That's all rugby forwards have. What is mad is as a fan of yesterday's, you know, I've listened to these and I see the trap you fall into.

21:05 - 21:13

And I always think these suckers, man, you want to give each part of the day equal opportunity to shine.

21:13 - 21:24

We're talking about Percy Montgomery and waiting for the no coffee. It's like, I don't even know if it's seven o'clock yet.

21:24 - 21:32

Yeah, you have found a sort of flaw in the podcast. Very much. I think there was one recently where it was just like, we were like, oh shit.

21:32 - 21:37

We can't say anything, but we're just like, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then good night.

21:37 - 21:43

And it was like the last five hours we did in about three minutes, but no one seems to have voiced any complaint yet.

21:43 - 21:52

I don't know if people are upset. I've actually got to say, and this is working against the issue that just prompted me to raise, you know, any discussion about Tottenham in the first place,

21:52 - 21:57

is I remember I was at the tail end of the Edinburgh fringe last year in 2024.

21:57 - 22:03

I was having a beer with you, David, and you had the wind beneath your sails.

22:03 - 22:10

You were telling me my friend Max has come up with the most electric idea for a podcast.

22:10 - 22:18

You were spitting on the name of podcasts. You're saying they're muck, they're filth, but this, this germ of a concept is worthy.

22:18 - 22:23

I mean, let's get into this just very briefly before we move on with the day.

22:23 - 22:30

So Guy has always enjoyed a podcast for he's probably 10 years into podcasting right now.

22:30 - 22:42

Wow. Okay. But his podcasts are esoteric isn't the right word. So one of them he watched Fast and the Furious 10, 10 times, Fast and the Furious 9, 9 times, Fast and the Furious 8 with his friend Tim Batt.

22:42 - 22:50

And then they'd make the guest watch the latest. These are great ideas. Yeah. It's amazing no one had done this before.

22:50 - 23:07

And so I had to watch Fast and the Furious 6, maybe or 7, the one that is regarded as the classic and because their brains were broken because at this point they'd watched 30 bad Fast and the Furiouses when I wasn't that into it.

23:07 - 23:11

I think they were just happy that there was a semblance of plot in this one.

23:11 - 23:16

You'd also opened your hotel door to host us. You were a most gracious host.

23:16 - 23:23

We were excited to be in the company of Donald, but also to be in the company, you know, in a hotel room and have fresh eyes on the movie.

23:23 - 23:39

That's always what we were looking for was fresh eyes. My point is, maybe the reason I was so excited about this as an idea for a podcast is it didn't involve such faff as making the guest watch two hours of a shit film

23:39 - 23:47

while dragging all your equipment over to their place. You flatter yourself. This required me to live through 24 hours of my own life.

23:47 - 23:56

I mean, I did once. I don't know if I mentioned this to you, David, but I once arrived when I was doing the overnight show on BBC London.

23:57 - 24:05

Two till six in the morning. In around 2006, you may not remember it, Guy. I had two producers, so I was very excited.

24:05 - 24:18

So I made one of them sit in another studio and I made him count for four hours and we just faded him up occasionally to see and like, feels like an idea that you would like.

24:18 - 24:26

And actually, it was curiously gripping. I mean, he almost died. He almost died. It was like, for him, it was absolutely perfect.

24:27 - 24:32

Just go, Will's in studio two. He'd be like, 684. And then we'd just fade him down and you know.

24:32 - 24:36

What did he get to? I don't know. I can't really remember what he got to.

24:36 - 24:45

Then I've done it as, wherever I've gone, I've taken it with me as a kind of signature thing that people don't seem to think is a good idea, but I'm really committed to counting.

24:45 - 24:53

I think it's a grand idea. Heinz tinder beans, you know, shreddies, peas. Literally, there are so many things you can count.

24:53 - 25:01

It's a sort of endless. In the same way that no one, you don't really, you know, think about quicksand very much anymore these days.

25:01 - 25:13

Similarly, I definitely, a lot of my childhood was spent thinking about the concept of the speaking clock and the belief that it was one person who, when the phone rang,

25:13 - 25:21

would just immediately resume the speaking of the time. Some descendant of Greenwich, some nippo baby.

25:21 - 25:28

Guy, we have to focus, I'm afraid to say. We've got out the second, we've got out the reserve coffee maker.

25:28 - 25:31

And then you say no coffee. So then what are you doing? You're doing your word games.

25:31 - 25:37

You've done your first puzzle. You've impressed your dad. What's next? At this point, there's only two to get through in the morning.

25:37 - 25:47

It's your Quardle and then you get into your wordle. And the wordle is, I'm actually in a thread with people where I'm the only one submitting at the moment, but I refuse to feel self-conscious about that.

25:47 - 25:54

It does mean I don't spend as much time reflecting on the performance. I just pump it out, you know?

25:54 - 26:00

Yeah. Okay. So yesterday, how'd you go? I got it in four. Let me see.

26:00 - 26:03

Yeah, I also got it in four. I can't remember what the word was, but I got it in.

26:03 - 26:10

No, of course. How could you? I mean, it would be crazy to remember. Unless you get it in one, there's no way you're going to remember what the word was.

26:10 - 26:15

Or you failed. That's the other way. Yeah. But it's, you know, every day the hard drive is wiped.

26:15 - 26:23

There's no way of knowing what word it was. And even though at the time it's the most sort of intensive concentration and important thing you can work on.

26:23 - 26:28

Interestingly, I think today's word light began and then something happened and so I haven't finished it yet.

26:28 - 26:38

But it is my day today for the midweek episodes of these. So, you know, I don't want to go into a bit of a spoiler for, I don't know which will come out first.

26:38 - 26:42

Certainly for those playing along at home, something to look forward to. Thank you, Guy.

26:42 - 26:50

All right. Okay. So we've done our quizzes. We're waiting for Mrs. Montgomery to stir, but there's still time.

26:50 - 27:00

Yeah. Yes. I'm robed. So I'm wearing a dressing gown I got given for my birthday last year, which is one of my great joys at home.

27:00 - 27:08

And I realized there's still, these people, unless woken, I understand. So there's Chelsea and then there's my stepdaughter is also in our house.

27:08 - 27:13

Who's nine. If I don't stir them, they're going to sleep till 7.30. And so I think, do you know what?

27:13 - 27:17

I've done the word puzzles. I've looked at what's in front of me for the day.

27:17 - 27:20

And I think this is probably one of the chances I'm going to have to enjoy something for me.

27:20 - 27:29

And so I turn on the television and I watch 15 minutes of Roland Garros. Okay.

27:29 - 27:39

Who's playing? Who's playing? To the listeners who may not know, that is not a chat show hosted by a vivacious French man called Roland Garros.

27:39 - 27:49

That is the French Open, the clay court major where the rallies tend to be quite long and there's a lot of grunting.

27:49 - 27:56

I'd say it's the gruntiest of the majors. It is. It's one of my favorite majors as a longtime Rafa Nadal fan.

27:56 - 28:10

And I met, I managed to turn it on to watch, I'd say 15 to 20 minutes of Yannick Sinner absolutely obliterating Rublev, Andrei Rublev, the sort of Russian hothead who as he is getting destroyed,

28:10 - 28:19

I'm impressed by his temperament. I'm happy for Rublev because he's displayed some pretty erratic behavior on court in recent years.

28:19 - 28:24

And I think my how he's grown. What you really want is a good double-handed backhand.

28:24 - 28:29

That's the greatest tennis shot of them all. Yannick Sinner, is he a one-handed guy, a Federer?

28:29 - 28:34

No, no, no. The one-hander, if you want to be competing for the top trophies, the one-hander has fallen well out of fashion.

28:34 - 28:40

You just can't generate enough power, even though it's still the most elegant stroke. Yannick Sinner is, he's on one.

28:40 - 28:46

He's absolutely obliterating this poor guy. Wow. Like Jeremy Bates in his prime. Like Bates.

28:46 - 28:54

Classic Bates. Classic Bates. He's destroying him to the point that I think, I don't even need to watch this because I know the outcome.

28:54 - 29:01

And so I've cleared 15 minutes. Guess what? I turn it off after 10. I think that's as much as I needed this morning.

29:01 - 29:09

Lovely. And then I also think we've got a day on our hands here. I don't want my stepdaughter to, she's sleeping and longer and longer.

29:09 - 29:16

And so I think I'm going to give her the wake up call. So I get in there and you'll be pleased to hear at a prox 30 minutes into the podcast,

29:16 - 29:28

we have arrived at 7.25 a.m. Is it a subtle, just light on dimly and just, open the door or is it a bucket of water?

29:28 - 29:35

What's your tactic here? There's no lights, early doors. I walk in and I say her name gently, refuses to stir.

29:35 - 29:41

And then a very soft sort of rustling of the duvet, you know, just a gentle rocking hands on.

29:41 - 29:48

I say, darling, it's time to wake up. And then there's a very sort of a stuporish wake.

29:48 - 29:53

And then as that's happening, I pull the blind to let the natural light in and sort of take care of business.

29:53 - 29:57

And as that happens, I then I sort of slowly step out to think nature's going to run its course from here.

29:57 - 30:09

I'm interested in a nine-year-old. When they wake up, do they take their time? Because if I'm in, you know, if I wake Ian up on a very rare occasion that he's still asleep, he's three and a half,

30:09 - 30:13

he will rub his eyes and he'll do all the things you should do when you wake up.

30:13 - 30:17

But as soon as his eyes open, he says, should we do a dance party?

30:17 - 30:26

And then it's like, it's nought to a hundred like that. And I just wonder, maybe I'm sort of asking in hope, does a nine-year-old just go, oh, I might just have a,

30:26 - 30:39

sit down. There's a sit down component. It's not quite straight into the dance party, but also I would hate to describe a child that does not then map onto the forecast for Ian's exciting life.

30:39 - 30:53

I hope that the spirit of Ian can live on for as long as possible, that perhaps he is the hope to aspire towards Jack Reacher as his doting father wakes him up in the hope that he will then take an hour to stir.

30:53 - 31:01

I'm confused by, once again, the curvature of the earth, time zones, et cetera. Does she have school?

31:01 - 31:06

Is it a school time of year in Auckland? It's a school morning. It's a school morning.

31:06 - 31:12

And for the school drop-off to be executed, we have to be out the door by 8.30.

31:12 - 31:18

And so we are looking at turning over all of the morning jobs in one hour.

31:18 - 31:26

Right, so you're Jack Bauer. That's this hour now. That's right. I'm Kiva Sutherland, and I've got the sunglasses on, and I'm walking around.

31:26 - 31:39

And everyone's saying, we're just waking up. This is too intense. Yeah, yeah. You don't go for the O'Doherty tactic, which has been discussed before on the podcast, where I, in an attempt to wake myself up,

31:39 - 31:44

sing songs about how great I am, much to the annoyance of the Helen Copter.

31:44 - 31:49

I like the songs. I'll say that. I thought you got short shrift for the songs.

31:49 - 31:56

I think the songs sound nice. Thank you. If we ever sleep in the same bed, Guy, I'll be sure.

31:56 - 32:00

I'll be sure to sing some of those songs for you, and I think you'll really like it.

32:00 - 32:11

A pleasure to hear them up close and personal. If we sleep in the same bed, I will set a little voice memo going in the hope of catching them and then releasing them into the hit parade.

32:11 - 32:19

What about this? If you and I ever sleep in the same bed, I will sing speculative interpretations of what I think David would sing in this setting.

32:19 - 32:25

And as soon as I wake up, I'll say, dance party, and then we'll really go for it.

32:26 - 32:30

It would break my heart if you ironically demanded a dance party while waking up.

32:30 - 32:38

We're chastising your three-and-a-half-year-old son for doing that very thing. Oh, I've already danced for an hour.

32:38 - 32:45

Right, okay, so you're a nine-year-old. Do you wait until she's up at all or do you leave her to wake herself now?

32:45 - 32:55

I leave the stirring to her, and then there is inevitably a walk into our bedroom for a morning cuddle, a morning how are you.

32:55 - 33:07

Yeah, lovely. Legs place initially between mother and daughter, and then I come in sort of as an interloping outsider because I'm already up just for a quick sort of here we all are, we love each other,

33:07 - 33:14

let's get into it. Great, that's beautiful. In rugby terms, we had a tackle and then you joined to turn it into a ruck.

33:14 - 33:21

That's right, but I'm not clearing out the ruck. I'm not sort of... You're not getting your foot in there, there's no gouging.

33:21 - 33:25

I've just got my body over the ball. I'm just saying, you know, let's protect the ball.

33:26 - 33:32

I'm back into the kitchen. I'm thinking, it's coffee time, it's breakfast time, let's get these wheels in motion.

33:32 - 33:38

Great. What happens? Talk us through it. So I'm now making the Chemex. I'm making the coffee.

33:38 - 33:43

I'm aware of the breakfast options available in the kitchen this morning, which is not everything at our disposal.

33:43 - 33:50

You know, Chelsea and Daughter, they enjoy bircher, but bircher has not been prepared and so I'm thinking egg in a cup.

33:50 - 33:55

Soft-boiled eggs, piece of Vogel's toast, cut up, put it in the cup with the egg on top.

33:56 - 34:01

Very tidy, very efficient, healthy amount of protein. We're on the go. So hang on.

34:01 - 34:08

So what egg? Is it a boiled egg? Soft-boiled. Yeah, soft-boiled egg. Okay. So here's what you do.

34:08 - 34:14

You boil the kettle. You pour the boiling water into the pot. Yeah, okay. You lower the eggs in.

34:14 - 34:19

You set your timer for five minutes. Five? Okay, interesting. You then put two pieces of toast in the toaster.

34:19 - 34:26

They will pop usually before the egg is out. You'll butter them. You'll Vegemite them.

34:26 - 34:32

You'll cut them. You'll put them into cubes. You'll put them into a mug. You'll then take out the eggs.

34:32 - 34:41

You'll cool them down with some cold water. You'll crack them. You'll put them in whole on top of the toast, and then you'll serve it with a spoon so that you get the experience of mucking the egg up with the toast.

34:41 - 34:45

Interesting. I might give it a try. Mixing as you please. Yeah. Give it a try.

34:45 - 34:49

I'd do seven and a half for a jammy egg. Oh, wow. Oh, yeah, yeah.

34:49 - 34:55

I don't ever try just putting eggs straight into the kettle. And why has no one invented that?

34:56 - 35:03

This is from the mind of a man who has stayed in many hotel rooms because I have so often thought the same thing.

35:03 - 35:08

Yeah. Because, you know, not every hotel has a kitchenette, but every hotel has a kettle.

35:08 - 35:15

And if you want eggs and there's not a hotel breakfast on offer, you're paying $12 for someone else to cook your eggs.

35:15 - 35:21

And you're thinking, if I could just get these in the kettle. It's true. You need something to protect the egg from the element.

35:21 - 35:26

Protect the egg. You need a shelf, some sort of shelf for the kettle. This is Dragon.

35:26 - 35:35

This is Dragon's Den. This is going to make us millions. The kettle shelf. A sort of gauze shelf where we could rest the eggs.

35:35 - 35:43

I think it's a wonderful idea. This is freaking, this is gecko's grotto. This is like, this is lizard's living room.

35:43 - 35:51

This is piss week. This is first draft. Talk me through the numbers. I've invested 500,000 pounds of my own money.

35:51 - 35:56

Now that you see what it works, it works quite well. You walk in with a kettle and a piece of ply.

35:56 - 36:04

I say, I've invested $500,000 of my own money. One boil is like a very soft boiled egg.

36:04 - 36:08

Two is jammy. And three, if you press it three times, you get a hard boiled egg.

36:08 - 36:18

My dad's friend, a musician on the road, used to cook a fish, just put a whole fish into a hotel kettle.

36:18 - 36:26

Holy shit, that's so disrespectful to the kettle. It's really bad, I know. What type of fish?

36:26 - 36:32

What if he just had a tuna and just rammed it right in there? It's 7.50.

36:32 - 36:41

It's 7.50 a.m. Yeah, and you're boiling fish smell up the corridor. It's called life on the road.

36:41 - 36:43

Do you think the next people who make a tea would be like, there's something.

36:43 - 36:53

This tea is a little halibutty. It feels halibutty, this one. Halibutty. Guy, we have to get a shift on, for goodness sake.

36:53 - 37:08

Okay, come on. You're telling me. There's pleasantries, there's good vibes happening. There's a tutor session after school that has not been accounted for until this morning, so we've got maths homework happening at the sort of breakfast bar.

37:08 - 37:14

Oh, dear. Initially with reluctance and eventually with enthusiasm. Okay, is everyone helping, and what are we learning?

37:14 - 37:23

Matrices, what's happening? We are separating out sort of hundreds, tens, ones, and then moving into decimal places.

37:23 - 37:37

So we're graduating up a difficulty level, and initially the first problem is a group think, and the dream, of course, is from that point to slowly back away until it is an individual thinking exercise.

37:37 - 37:46

Yeah. Does it work like that? Do you know what? It actually did, and because this is not the usual configuration of when this work is done, but it was so successful,

37:46 - 37:56

it made me reflect on when I operated best as a child when I was having to do homework or work for school, and I discovered I was much better at getting things done in the morning than I was.

37:56 - 38:05

There are too many distractions by night, but in the morning, there's less going on, and I observed what I thought was quite a similar sort of pattern of focus occurring,

38:05 - 38:10

and so I bookmarked that thought, and I said, this is good information to file away for later use.

38:10 - 38:15

It doesn't really work now. I mean, did you ever try and write jokes first thing in the morning?

38:15 - 38:22

They are, at best, basic. Honestly, it's crazy. I still don't know when I can write jokes.

38:22 - 38:36

I've got a notes app, which is if I actually could, reflect on all the times that the numbers have been entered, I think basically it's going to cover every single second of every day by the end of time, because I still have not found

38:36 - 38:47

my optimal window for operations. So my fear is, were I to try and do my work first thing in the morning, I would end up like Max's impersonation of stand-up comedy,

38:47 - 38:54

which generally involves him saying things like, what happened to peanuts? Who remembers television, guys?

38:54 - 39:04

What's this about? Television, eh? So if you did it first thing in the morning, David, it would be quite a narcissistic set, where you were just like, I'm the best thing that's ever been.

39:04 - 39:15

It's David O'Doherty. I'm so great, yeah. The Max Rushden model is going, what happened to, don't you feel like televisions used to play advertisements for peanuts a lot more than they do now?

39:15 - 39:26

I think that's true. Who's doing the school run? Or in New Zealand, oh, it's perfect New Zealand, so probably like the government sends a helicopter to pick you up or something like that.

39:26 - 39:31

Something like that. We've got a government who are slashing costs, gone are the days of the school heli ride.

39:31 - 39:35

No, sadly, the responsibility of travelling the child to school now falls on the parents.

39:35 - 39:43

So I have volunteered for school drop-off. That falls inside of the remit of guy responsibilities.

39:43 - 39:54

And so we have successfully made it through our morning movements and we are now in the car, 8.30am, and we are driving to school.

39:54 - 40:06

What are we listening to? New Zealand. So you would think we are actually, my goal, so I put on a breakfast show from NTS, which is this independent online radio station,

40:06 - 40:17

which I really enjoy the music. It helps set up the morning nicely. And my goal is always to be able to transfer the NTS breakfast show from the house into the car without fuss.

40:17 - 40:26

And, you know, this used to be a successful negotiating tactic where we'd be driving to school, you know, my stepdaughter would say, can I choose a song?

40:26 - 40:34

And I'd say, oh, we're just listening to this radio show. But now, sadly, we're just listening to this radio show no longer passes muster as a reason that we can't just change the music.

40:34 - 40:40

So we are listening to the breakfast radio show for, I would say, the first 12 minutes of the drive.

40:40 - 40:55

And then I say, it's song time. What do you got? Oh, yeah. And this is a very musical child with a very eclectic taste, which spans everything from sort of Erykah Badu to Paul McCartney to,

40:56 - 41:05

in this instance, or Sabrina Carpenter, but in this instance, Hannah Montana, the soundtrack from Miley Cyrus's Hannah Montana Disney TV show.

41:05 - 41:19

So we put on the first album from the Hannah Montana TV show and we listened to The Best of Both Worlds, which I actually, honestly, as a theme song, as a song out in the wild, still think is fantastic.

41:19 - 41:23

Okay, yeah. And then it moves into Who Says, which is currently a shower favorite.

41:23 - 41:35

So, you know, it's actually nice. It's an opportunity, I think, to really help if someone's not feeling that pumped up about going to school for whatever reason, to see them absolutely belting out the lyrics to a song they like on the way.

41:35 - 41:40

You're getting in the zone. And so there's a bit of that. We arrive, not at the school gates.

41:40 - 41:44

There's a sort of pedestrian bridge that you walk over that, you know, pours into the school.

41:44 - 41:51

And I say, I'm not crossing the bridge this morning. I love you. And I'll see you at three o'clock.

41:51 - 41:56

Wow. And so we now have returned to the state we were in at 6.45 a.m., which is...

41:56 - 42:00

It's called agency. What am I going to do? Yeah, what are you going to do?

42:00 - 42:11

That's what the people want to know. They're going crazy for it. I'm going to go to the only coffee shop in Auckland I know that sells the filters for the Moccamaster.

42:11 - 42:19

And it is in the same suburb as the drop-off. So I head along to the coffee shop and I buy myself a coffee.

42:19 - 42:26

Buy a lot of them. Buy a huge number of Moccamaster filters. They come in packs of 100 and we make one a day.

42:26 - 42:33

So that is over three months' worth of morning coffee spoken for. What's your coffee order there, Guy?

42:33 - 42:44

Do you know, Max, this is going to send you wild. Please. I travel with – I don't have a keep cut, but I just take a mug from home.

42:44 - 42:51

I've got a preferred mug from home. I just take that and I say – you know, Auckland's quite a car-based city, so the mug's just coming back in the car.

42:51 - 42:57

You can leave it in the car if you have to. And I order a small – A small oat flat white.

42:57 - 43:05

Now, in New Zealand, the flat white is delivered with two shots of coffee. And do you know what I always – if I'm feeling confident, will specify.

43:05 - 43:13

I will say three-quarters full. Yes, you will. This is a wonderful moment. What's the thinking?

43:13 - 43:19

What's the – like, I realise you two have now formed this bomb. I'm euphoric.

43:19 - 43:27

That's what I am now, euphoric. The thing is, I'm handing over $6.50 to pay for – a coffee.

43:27 - 43:31

And look, if it's really busy or I'm part of a bigger order, I'm not going to specify.

43:31 - 43:44

I'm just going to take what I'm given. But in a moment when I can ask for the exact coffee I want, I've reached a point of either being an entitled prick or just, you know, self-confidence where I'm happy enough to say,

43:44 - 43:47

this is how I want the coffee, please. It's a fine line. It's a fine line.

43:47 - 43:55

Would you guys not just get an espresso, though? Double espresso? Like, because some part of you doesn't necessarily enjoy the coffee.

43:56 - 43:59

Oh, let's just get it in and get it working. No, no, no, no, no, no.

43:59 - 44:03

Sorry, David. What do you mean some part of us doesn't like the coffee? I love the coffee.

44:03 - 44:09

To the listeners, they're both shaking their heads. They both have the exact same expression on their face.

44:09 - 44:12

This might be the angriest I've ever been with you, David, which is not particularly angry.

44:12 - 44:18

But I love the coffee. I just want the coffee that I want. I want that much milk.

44:18 - 44:25

I don't want to be drowning in milk. You know, it's not a milkshake. What you want is you want an efficient means of communicating.

44:26 - 44:35

This order, you know, everyone is embarrassed to be saying three quarters. As soon as you introduce fractions to a coffee order, we're not oblivious to how awful we're coming across.

44:35 - 44:40

Yeah, I agree. In certain parts of Australia, there is a descriptor for this. They call it the oat magic.

44:40 - 44:44

And you can walk into a coffee shop and you can say, can I get a magic or an oat magic?

44:44 - 44:55

And here we go. Now, this is where Max and my path deviates. It is because a magic, and I was taught this by Mrs. Rushden, who used to be a barista.

44:55 - 44:59

You get less than, they do something with the coffee, like ristretto shots or something.

44:59 - 45:03

I don't know. And what I want is a double espresso with that much milk.

45:03 - 45:07

So when I order my coffee, then someone says, do you want a magic? Have you ever heard of a magic?

45:07 - 45:12

Of course, I've heard of a magic now. I've been in Melbourne. What I want to say is wear a t-shirt going, I don't want a fucking magic.

45:12 - 45:21

To the listeners, you are free to click on 15 seconds now. If this is still going on, keep popping that button.

45:21 - 45:29

There is a sort of tier of pedantry with respect to coffee orders that, Max, you have ascended.

45:29 - 45:35

I'm now looking up from beneath you thinking one day, perhaps. Yeah, I don't know what's happened to me.

45:35 - 45:41

Even saying it out loud, I realise how terrible it sounds. But you're, you know, like I'm honoured.

45:41 - 45:45

Not honoured. You're not doing it to pay homage to me. This is the coffee you want.

45:45 - 45:53

I'm just delighted, guy, that you also want the same coffee. I'm just delighted. And do you get it?

45:53 - 45:57

Now, the question is, if it comes full and you've ordered three quarters, do you send it?

45:57 - 46:01

Because I probably won't send it back. I'll just be sad looking at it. Yeah, yeah.

46:01 - 46:07

What's your vibe? I could count on one finger how many times I've sent anything back in my life.

46:07 - 46:12

Agreed. I take it. I take my medicine. I say, this is what I get for asking for what I want.

46:12 - 46:19

And I just work my way through whatever it is I've been given. You know, someone will piss into my coffee cup and I'll say, there you go.

46:19 - 46:24

And I'll go, perfect. And on the way out, I'll say, fantastic coffee. That's Irish.

46:24 - 46:30

That's being Irish. Some scrambled eggs at some cafe while I was on the way to Channel 10.

46:30 - 46:34

And it was like chili eggs with like bacon. And the bacon was like so undercooked.

46:34 - 46:41

It was like that flabby light pink. And there were two incredibly long hairs in it.

46:41 - 46:45

So I couldn't bring myself to complain. I was obviously like, this is grim. So I sort of ate around the hairs.

46:45 - 46:55

And then when I left it, I stretched the hairs out full length next to the knife and fork in the hope that someone would see it and go, oh yeah.

46:56 - 47:01

That's shit. But I couldn't say, I just went like, these are two incredibly long hairs in this.

47:01 - 47:09

Okay. So I would say maybe split the difference. You don't need to be confrontational, but you don't need to be that passive aggressive.

47:09 - 47:16

I mean, what we've got here is very English, very New Zealand, very Irish. Imagine any Americans listening to this.

47:16 - 47:20

They're just like, what the hell? I want to have that place shut down, baby.

47:20 - 47:30

Yeah. That's my kid's college fund. Those hairs. I was at the barber. I was at the American kitchen and I ordered the chicken schnitzel and it was completely uncooked, the chicken.

47:30 - 47:35

So I did take that back because I was like, this chicken is uncooked. And they said, we'll take it off.

47:35 - 47:40

We won't charge you. But they still charged me for like Jamie's meal. And I was like, I think that is a bit.

47:40 - 47:48

Like you have just served me a raw chicken in breadcrumbs. You could at least let us have this for nothing.

47:48 - 47:52

And how did you communicate that to them? I paid and I left in a huff.

47:52 - 47:58

And left a sizable tip. I said, thank you so much. I'm sorry to be such a pain.

47:58 - 48:04

I left a tip which correlated to how many extra minutes I think they should have spent cooking my chicken.

48:04 - 48:09

It's a subtle way of letting them know. All right, so hang on. So you've got your coffee.

48:09 - 48:14

This is great. You're drinking in? Oh, you've got your mug. You're drinking in? No, so I've got the mug.

48:14 - 48:19

I've got the filters. I'm back in the car and I'm driving home. I have to get back home.

48:19 - 48:24

This is taken, you know, the drop off is just before nine. I'm probably at the cafe at 9.15.

48:26 - 48:30

Enjoyed some time at the cafe to just sit and have a few sips of the coffee, but I'm out by 9.30.

48:30 - 48:45

I've got to be home by 10 because I have in front of me eight back-to-back radio interviews that I'll be operating from home with this exact setup that I'm using right now.

48:45 - 48:51

And so I'm staring down the barrel of a long time. I know. It's too many.

48:51 - 49:05

I'm so intrigued. Are they all the same interview basically with different? They are all interviews with various different regional iterations of ABC breakfast, lunch, and afternoon hosts here in Australia.

49:05 - 49:15

The ABC is the BBC for anyone who can't translate the different public broadcasters. I am promoting my spelling show.

49:15 - 49:20

I have a spelling show that is on television here in Australia. It's a very good television program.

49:20 - 49:33

A wonderful show, yes. Thank you so much. And it's actually launching today. So yesterday I'm doing a press blitz to let the people know that the show is about to be broadcast.

49:33 - 49:55

Now let me make one of my classic observations here. I have done some radio in Australia, particularly for regional ABC, and it does tend to be just the nicest, like even the way they talk is they use words like marvellous.

49:56 - 50:03

Your comedy is absolutely marvellous. And it's such a joy to have you here on the line.

50:03 - 50:08

Is that the vibe? Like no one's going like, hey, fuck boy, have you got some more bullshit?

50:08 - 50:23

There are no commercial radio obligations in this slate of interviews. So it is all as described, these very sort of generous legacy, not legacy, but sort of lifelong ABC, you know, regional broadcasters.

50:23 - 50:32

And also I have graduated, though, from last year, when the show launched in Australia and I'm talking to a lot of people who don't know what I am or why they have to talk to me,

50:32 - 50:38

I'm very grateful and I take pause for gratitude in this moment that now I'm talking to a lot of the same people.

50:38 - 50:45

And there is actually, if I'm not mistaken, a twinkle of enthusiasm in their voice that they are talking to me.

50:45 - 50:50

They're not reading the four questions off the list. So tell us about the show.

50:50 - 50:56

They're in the room. I'm having conversations with people. So I would imagine the same.

50:56 - 51:01

The same questions keep coming up. My main interest here is, do you just end up saying the same answers?

51:01 - 51:09

Because in regional interviews, there's a low chance of someone from ABC Northern Territory also hearing your interview on ABC Adelaide.

51:09 - 51:24

So you can effectively just have the same beautiful tales. We play the odds and we think there is a very low likelihood that the ABC train spotters or listeners as they may be,

51:24 - 51:41

that there's anyone who is... This is much of a diehard regional radio friend that they're jumping from Gold Coast to Perth to Adelaide to Canberra following me on my sort of, you know, all out press blitz to be like, this guy's recycling the same freaking anecdotes.

51:41 - 51:47

So I look at my workload and I think this is a long time for me to be talking about the same thing over and over again.

51:47 - 51:52

But I do think, you know what? Just get in the pocket, get in your zone, recycle.

51:52 - 52:02

And I get in there and I go about my work Guy, of all the guests you've had in your wonderful show, who would your favourite guest be?

52:02 - 52:07

Well, it's so hard to choose, isn't there? Because we have such a wide variety of guests on.

52:07 - 52:17

We like to get young comedians. You know, I am humiliated to offer you even a 10 second sort of role-playing glimpse into the way that I approach these conversations.

52:17 - 52:24

I mean, there must be a word that you really thought someone could spell and it turns out they...

52:24 - 52:40

Max can do this. Max can do this sort of like proper legacy broadcasting. When I was at BBC Radio Cambridge here, we'd literally, you'd see, it wasn't just like guests who do loads of different people, but sometimes like the poor political correspondent who wasn't like the main

52:40 - 52:45

political correspondent who'd do like Radio 4 for half an hour, but like his deputy would say, I've got slots available.

52:45 - 52:54

And you'd just see it filled up from like 6am to 10am, Wiltshire, BBC Buckinghamshire, BBC Devon, BBC Cornwall.

52:54 - 52:58

And you'd like go, can we... We have 8.20 and they go, oh, BBC Norfolk have got 8.20.

52:58 - 53:07

You'd be like, oh shit, let's get 8.40. And then you just think this poor guy who's talking about, I don't know, you know, something that happened in parliament last night.

53:07 - 53:11

Exactly. And he's got to do it again and again and again. So good for you.

53:11 - 53:16

Did you, was there one that you thought this person has not been paying any attention?

53:16 - 53:23

There was one I did in, I'm not going to name the locale because I don't know if they'll listen to this.

53:23 - 53:37

I don't want to, I don't want to be rude to anyone, but there was one person who told me before we started the interview that they were leaving and the disaffected air that they entered the sort of off-air part of the conversation with, there was no gear shift.

53:37 - 53:50

There was not even a whisper of sort of veneer of we are now broadcasting to people to separate them telling me they were leaving with them then asking me about the show.

53:50 - 53:59

Great. So we've done. Eight spots, did you say? Eight spots? That's right. 15 minutes each?

53:59 - 54:10

Variable. Some 15, some 20, some 10. But we've basically, we have blocked out from 10 to 2 in the day.

54:10 - 54:19

We're thinking we are not going to have an opportunity to perform any, you know, there's no increment of time between interviews that will allow for anything serious to happen.

54:19 - 54:30

I do, however, would like to say I managed to fold the laundry. Because the whole time, the other detail I've left out is that I'm aware that tomorrow is a travel day.

54:30 - 54:39

I'm waking up and leaving the house before anyone else is awake. And so in the back of my head, I'm thinking I want to set the house up so that there's a, you know, everyone can have an enjoyable morning.

54:39 - 54:44

I also forgot to mention I stripped the beds and did it. We don't have a dryer and it's raining.

54:44 - 54:52

So I did, I go to the laundromat on the way home from the coffee shop to think I can get everyone fresh sheets so we can have a nice night in the fresh sheet.

54:52 - 55:03

You know, so I'm folding laundry in between interviews. I'm also leaf blowing. There's a magnolia tree, which has become very autumnal, which has cluttered the back porch with leaves.

55:03 - 55:09

And so I'm sort of... Interruption. Yes. I don't think we've talked about a leaf blower yet in the series.

55:09 - 55:16

And I would love a leaf blower. And I just can't bring myself to buy one because I'm not going to use it very often.

55:16 - 55:25

But it must be a lot of fun. Looks like a lot of fun. Well, I think if you do it, you have to say, I am a leaf blower user and...

55:25 - 55:42

This is incongruent with being sort of environmentally minded or a respectful neighbor. I bought sort of a whisper quiet electric Ryobi leaf blower, which has a compatible battery pack with the whippersnipper and the lawnmower,

55:42 - 55:49

which means all of the sort of satisfaction Jack Reacher style leaf blowing you're visualizing is not available.

55:49 - 55:54

There is one setting, which is on. Is it very weak? Is it just like blows one leaf like a kitten?

55:54 - 55:59

You have to get one. And it's sort of like a game where you're just trying to get that out.

55:59 - 56:07

I've not had a friend to do it with yet, but if we took two piles of leaves and they blew it with their mouth and I blew mine with the Ryobi,

56:07 - 56:18

I'd say we'd be finishing within a minute of each other. I have a tri-folding door across the back of mi casa into the garden.

56:18 - 56:24

And I have in the past used the leaf blower to sweep out the kitchen of dust.

56:25 - 56:37

It has a few uses. If you are wearing a light running zip-up coat, you can put the leaf blower up it and then it inflates it like the Michelin man.

56:37 - 56:42

Then you get your self-timer on and you can take quite a bulky photo for the daily profiles if need be.

56:42 - 56:52

I'm jacked. I've absolutely made it. Hitting the gains. David, do you have a Ryobi or are you using full petrol?

56:52 - 57:07

Are you using like crude oil one? For me, it's... It's the definitive ever Lidl slash Aldi center aisle purchase where I came back with, you know, thinking it would fill some void in my life.

57:07 - 57:14

But that's probably eight years ago and it's still going. And I did the front garden the other day.

57:14 - 57:23

It's very useful because sweeping is a faff, particularly when the bamboo leaves fall onto the flower bed.

57:23 - 57:27

To take all that off is a faff. And yet this... This is a labor-saving device.

57:27 - 57:32

Famously, Guy, David has three pandas, has a lot of bamboo, and he doesn't know.

57:32 - 57:39

We're not allowed to talk about it. Okay, so we're doing this. We're doing the chores.

57:39 - 57:43

Then we're off to Adelaide. Then we leave below. Then we're into Canberra. This is an exciting part of the day.

57:43 - 57:55

And now it's 2 p.m. We're squeezing in our household chores in between. And also, there's a point during all this, I think it's probably 11.30, and I'm about to connect with...

57:55 - 58:05

Perth, when I realized I've not eaten a damn thing today. Oh, goodness me. The eggs in a cup were for my codependence.

58:05 - 58:12

I did not eat the egg in the cup at that hour. And I've sort of been so focused on what I have to do.

58:12 - 58:20

You know, I suppose on a surface level, I haven't thought about the very primary need of, you need energy to navigate these conversations.

58:20 - 58:25

That's why, in a way, I would be intrigued to listen back to his appearance on...

58:25 - 58:37

Court Perry ABC, as he's just drawing spellings. He does the whole alphabet three times in a row, and then they just cut to the cores.

58:37 - 58:47

This is loose broadcasting from Gaiman Comedy. What are we going to eat? What happens at 11.30?

58:47 - 58:54

This is exciting. I'm realizing now, you know, it's not as straightforward being a guest on the show as you think, because there are other details that have not been mentioned,

58:54 - 59:05

which is... Personally, I have been, and I'm dealing with probably the crest, the peak day of an ulcer on the very tip of my tongue.

59:05 - 59:19

Oh, you have my sympathies. I'm an ulcer sufferer too, and they are debilitating. Initially, I was quite excited by our similarities, but the more the episode goes on, the more you sort of empathize,

59:19 - 59:30

the more I think, am I just sweet Max, really? Famously, Jack Reacher, if he has one, a couple of ulcers under the tongue, he doesn't do anything that day.

59:30 - 59:40

I'll never forget the Jack Reacher, Bongella, you know, SponCon. He's an aura-based guy. So, okay, so it's on the tip of your tongue that does affect things.

59:40 - 59:46

I mean, sometimes one side of your mouth is okay. You can just shift everything across, but right in the middle is a terrible place.

59:46 - 59:58

Well, it's sort of center right. You know, you'd say it's probably north, northeast. So if I cant my head at the right angle, I can still navigate different foods.

59:58 - 1:00:04

But basically it does compromise your eating options. I'm not touching toast, too crunchy. So I put back a banana.

1:00:04 - 1:00:08

A lime? You don't get a lime in there and just see how that's going to go?

1:00:08 - 1:00:13

It'd be a tough one to go to the doctor with because the doctor would be like, what's wrong with you?

1:00:13 - 1:00:17

And you'd say, it's on the tip of my tongue. And the doctor would be like, what is it?

1:00:17 - 1:00:25

It's on the tip of my tongue. I hope you've left five minutes for new material in your embryo this year, David.

1:00:25 - 1:00:33

Yeah. Suddenly the peanuts thing feels all right. I don't know. So a banana, that's good.

1:00:33 - 1:00:46

I think a banana is a very safe idea. We have the banana. And then I think in between the final interview, I have a bowl of reheated sort of kale pasta from a dinner that Charles had made a night or two ago

1:00:46 - 1:00:53

as the other sort of soft eating, non-intensive flavor profile option. So we get through the interviews.

1:00:53 - 1:01:08

We get to... Two o'clock, the folded laundry is now put away and I'm girding my loins for the school pickup because Tuesday is an extracurricular kind of day for my stepdaughter.

1:01:08 - 1:01:14

And so it involves a school pickup that then swings from... It takes three to 3.30.

1:01:14 - 1:01:20

There's the tutor, the aforementioned tutor, which the homework was executed that morning. So that's 3.30 to 4.30.

1:01:20 - 1:01:29

And then we drive across from 4.30 to 5.00 we have drama and that runs from five to six.

1:01:29 - 1:01:38

So this involves leaving the house at 2.30 and not getting back till 6.15 stroke 6.30. Now I'm interested in this.

1:01:38 - 1:01:46

Is a class like this one, like when you go to watch football training, can you sit in the theater while they do it?

1:01:46 - 1:01:58

You could, it would not be encouraged, but I've not pushed the limit but you can't be like a dad going fucking gay in there.

1:01:58 - 1:02:11

Advertise your quirk at this party with more intensity. It's too subtle. Of course, because you'd be such a legendary figure.

1:02:11 - 1:02:18

It'd be like Massey turning up, you know, at his kids football training, all the kids would fall to pieces.

1:02:18 - 1:02:23

Everyone would just be looking at you the whole time. No, I remain an anonymous figure.

1:02:23 - 1:02:32

So the tutor picker, I pick up and drop off while tutor is happening. I go to the grocery store and I do the supermarket shop.

1:02:32 - 1:02:39

I take stock of provisions for school lunches and sort of, you know, easy to put together snacks or meals.

1:02:39 - 1:02:45

Yeah. Question, are you working from a list on the phone? Because I find it quite annoying, but that's where everyone's list is.

1:02:45 - 1:02:59

Or are you going, are you doing an open-minded? No, no, no, I've got a list, but inside of the responsibilities, in addition to the math homework this morning, my stepdaughter has also written down that are absent from the fridge or pantry that she likes for the school lunch.

1:02:59 - 1:03:11

And then I've done a sort of a broader analysis of, you know, we're down to our last egg, you know, we're running low on tinned tomatoes and beans, you know, the sort of your pantry staples.

1:03:11 - 1:03:22

Yeah, but has she taken the opportunity to put down, you know, I need Super Mario Brothers chocolate yogurt, you know, whatever kids are into these days.

1:03:22 - 1:03:33

No, I think so ground down by applying herself to maths and also so narrow is the window to leave the house to make school on time that we are, we're bare bones.

1:03:33 - 1:03:43

We, it's actually to hear you say that makes me sad that there's not more sort of childlike creative liberties being taken when I say you write down what you need and it's going to be in the house at the end of the day.

1:03:43 - 1:03:49

She's nine and she's just straight to life admin. Yeah. The fun is over. Yeah, that falls on me.

1:03:49 - 1:03:55

Okay, so you do the grocery stores with the tutor. What do you do during the drama class?

1:03:55 - 1:04:12

So during the drama class, I realize as I watch her walk in that I've been on my hole the entire day and so I think this will not do and so I get out of the car and it's in a good walking area in Auckland

1:04:12 - 1:04:20

and I put the AirPods in and I stroll, baby. I stroll. I take an hour to myself for strolling purposes.

1:04:20 - 1:04:26

Great. And what do you listen to while you're strolling? Initially, I listened. I listen to music.

1:04:26 - 1:04:37

I listen to an old playlist of mine that I found called I Like How This Feels, which has some sort of quite, not meditative, but sort of more mellow music,

1:04:37 - 1:04:43

which is quite a nice kind of contemplative feeling to walk around with. Enigma. Has it got Enya, Enigma?

1:04:43 - 1:04:52

Almost exclusively. It's the shared playlist we have, Max. It's the one right under Jack Reacher protagonist feels.

1:04:52 - 1:04:58

It's the last abs of the mouth also, playlist. It's a good one because you're really back on the straight and narrow.

1:04:58 - 1:05:04

Okay, that's nice. And then what do you revert to? And then I migrate over to podcast.

1:05:04 - 1:05:13

I give a podcast because I've listened to about sort of 20, 25 minutes of music and I'm thinking I'm probably ready to not be with my thoughts for a while.

1:05:13 - 1:05:18

I'd quite like to get into some other people sort of taking care of that business for me.

1:05:18 - 1:05:36

So do you listen to terrible news from around the world or do you listen to whimsical people, I don't, I actually listen to because I'm trying to think of, I suppose, creative strategy or ways to have, you know,

1:05:36 - 1:05:42

not that I'm short on being able to create, to play and have fun, you know, with a nine-year-old at home.

1:05:42 - 1:05:52

But there was an episode of an Australian comedian personality, Hamish Blake has a podcast called How Other Dads Dad.

1:05:52 - 1:05:57

And he has an episode with your friend and mine, David, Brett McKenzie. Oh yeah, from Flight of the Conchords.

1:05:57 - 1:06:05

And so I listened to the first sort of 40 minutes of that, which has a lot of sort of, you know, it's actually quite a good listen.

1:06:05 - 1:06:11

It's got a lot of ammunition for creative play and just a few simple things you can do at home to have some fun.

1:06:11 - 1:06:17

Interruption. You go ahead. Go on, Max. David, you said that your friends, the Flight of the Conchords, won't do podcasts.

1:06:17 - 1:06:24

I notice here. Guy, this is the worst possible podcast you could have listened to here.

1:06:25 - 1:06:36

He wants me to try and get one or both of Flight of the Conchords on and I had just simply said they do not do podcasts and in a million to one moonshot,

1:06:36 - 1:06:46

you happen to mention the only podcast that either of them has ever done and now I am absolutely in a hole here.

1:06:46 - 1:06:57

That is so funny. I will say Brett sounds really happy to be there and like a really engaging, engaged and entertaining guest.

1:06:57 - 1:07:03

Really, really good podcast. Is it Brett any time say, do you know any other podcasts I could go on while I'm doing this?

1:07:03 - 1:07:11

At one point, Brett says, geez, I'd love to tell you what I got up to yesterday, but it's not really in keeping with the thing.

1:07:11 - 1:07:23

To be fair, the podcast is not remote. They are physically together. They're sharing a space, a room, which I think does still, you're in a very weak negotiating position here, David,

1:07:23 - 1:07:33

but it does give you a very, very small leg on which to stand. Well, I can't have you guys in the same room where you'll just start furiously making out and give yourself more tongue ulcers.

1:07:33 - 1:07:50

For goodness sake. Also, Brett's parenting advice would be, be creative with your kids. For example, get your Oscar down from the shelf that you got for writing the song from the Muppets and say, you guys should try and write an Oscar winning song like I have.

1:07:50 - 1:07:58

I was sort of secretly hoping to glean some career advice and a lot of it was start the world's most popular folk comedy band and dine out on it.

1:07:58 - 1:08:04

And I was thinking, this does feel kind of not, like it's not really replicable, Brett.

1:08:04 - 1:08:12

So I listened to that and I greatly enjoy it and it actually, it sort of G's me up and then Drama Class is released.

1:08:12 - 1:08:21

I run into two other drama dads who I know from different situations well enough to sort of have a sit and chat with.

1:08:21 - 1:08:25

One of them I've sat with in the lobby while the Drama Class is taking place and we've...

1:08:25 - 1:08:29

We've hung out and it's been great. And he said, what did you do? You know, where were you?

1:08:29 - 1:08:31

And I said, oh, I was out. I had to go. I've been sitting down all day.

1:08:31 - 1:08:38

I had to go for a walk. Let's walk next week. And so I've made a loose plan to walk and this will be a new frontier of hanging for us.

1:08:38 - 1:08:42

A play date. Yeah. So there'll be a walk and then it's into the car.

1:08:42 - 1:08:52

It's driving home. It's arriving home. Chelsea is still out working and so I have defrosted.

1:08:52 - 1:09:02

It's sort of 6.30. It's too late to... Make dinner. So I've defrosted a cottage pie from the freezer which is a breaking case of emergency.

1:09:02 - 1:09:11

This guy. This guy is like... It's amazing. I've hacked up a broccoli head and I've steamed the broccoli and I've put the pie in the oven.

1:09:11 - 1:09:19

That reaction was... Max is just like, that's another thing I would do. Like honestly, he is so spooked right now.

1:09:19 - 1:09:25

Yesterday, so I was doing Football Weekly and I was saying to the producer like, maybe I'll go for a run after this.

1:09:25 - 1:09:29

Look, there's a bolognese on the stove. And he was like, you've always got one, like an infinity bolognese.

1:09:29 - 1:09:37

It's just like an endless move. It's just always there. It never goes off because the temperature is just high enough to kill bacteria.

1:09:37 - 1:09:43

Exactly. It's just there. You dip in whenever you like. You're running it like bakers run a sourdough starter.

1:09:43 - 1:09:51

That's your bolognese. What I want to know, and I know this is an illegal question, Max, but I think it's important.

1:09:51 - 1:09:56

How long is the spell that you're about to go away for? Because I see you're affected by effectively not nesting.

1:09:56 - 1:09:59

That's the wrong word because in nesting, you're going to stay there. You're basically apologizing.

1:09:59 - 1:10:05

That's what you're doing. Yes, by setting up all of these things before. How long is this jaunt going to be?

1:10:05 - 1:10:14

There is a sort of an instinctive and inevitable slight overcorrection when it comes to, you know, right before departure.

1:10:14 - 1:10:23

And also I'd say earlier in the comedy festival of the touring season, the correction is maybe not as great, but this is the, I've been coming and going quite a lot.

1:10:23 - 1:10:32

And so this is like, you know, on the home stretch, which is there's light at the end of the tunnel, but also the departures are now not sort of met with the same.

1:10:32 - 1:10:35

You go get it, have fun out there. You know, it's sort of like, yeah.

1:10:35 - 1:10:48

So I'm away for five nights. Okay. And this is the real mistake of doing a job that is fun because like I went back to the UK to do a football weekly tour for like three weeks,

1:10:48 - 1:10:54

but Jamie knows that's fun. Yeah. It's not like that three weeks on, three weeks off the oil rigs.

1:10:55 - 1:10:59

Off Aberdeen. You know, this is, you're going to get shit faced for three weeks in the UK.

1:10:59 - 1:11:09

Yeah. It's a bit of a dance though, isn't it? Because you cannot be chastised, punished, judged for making a trade or an earning, finding something you love.

1:11:09 - 1:11:14

I mean, the likelihood of doing that in the first place is so infinitesimally small.

1:11:14 - 1:11:22

And then to make it work to the point at which you're like, and that does sadly involve me going away to have a fantastic three weeks while earning money for our family.

1:11:22 - 1:11:26

What you could do is like bookend it with one day, in a mine. Yeah.

1:11:26 - 1:11:30

And so when you come through the door, it's a good idea. You're covered in soot.

1:11:30 - 1:11:36

You're coughing up like, and there's like black stuff coming out of your mouth. Yeah.

1:11:36 - 1:11:42

You might die 10 years early, but just for that immediate, oh, that does look like you've had a tough time there.

1:11:42 - 1:11:50

Yeah. Yeah. So the meal's been prepared. Chels comes home. We're all happy to see each other and life is good.

1:11:50 - 1:11:54

I've also, I forgot to mention, I have remembered to pick up the sheets from the laundromat.

1:11:54 - 1:11:58

I did that on the way to the, because I knew that the laundromat would be closed by the time we're coming back from drama.

1:11:58 - 1:12:05

Interruption. I used to be like this, but then I got a thing. It's called a variety of things in different places.

1:12:05 - 1:12:19

The one I bought was called an Edinburgh hoist and it's effectively four 10 foot pieces of wood and it's sort of a sail winch and you can get the sheets on it and winch them up and in a tropical environment like Auckland,

1:12:19 - 1:12:36

they'll be dry in 12 hours. Do you know, it's so funny. Yesterday morning, Radio New Zealand, which is our sort of, you know, BBC Breakfast equivalent broadcaster, I went on their news site and they'd published an article called How to Dry Laundry Without a Dryer

1:12:36 - 1:12:40

When It's Cold or Wet Outside and I thought, are you kidding me? This is optimized.

1:12:40 - 1:12:54

This is so me and I opened the story and it's the same headline in a different colored font and then underneath it, all there is in italics with an ellipsis.

1:12:55 - 1:13:07

And more to come. They can't leave you like that. They either have forgotten or have not yet published the story.

1:13:07 - 1:13:11

Or the fact is that when it's cold and wet in New Zealand, you cannot dry again.

1:13:11 - 1:13:19

There's literally no fucking way and they've just gone. Because it's such a hack because that is the one thing that everybody in Auckland will want.

1:13:19 - 1:13:23

You know, that is the ultimate clickbait. I know. Maybe it's time to take out the old leaf blower.

1:13:23 - 1:13:29

Have your stepdaughter hold the sheet up and then just hammer a leaf blower for 15 minutes.

1:13:29 - 1:13:34

Imagine Amy Glidhill with a leaf blower and a fan heater just getting the beard ready.

1:13:34 - 1:13:44

At the moment, we have to, I put them outside because, you know, Melbourne in the days, even in sort of this, where are we, late autumn, it sort of can be pretty sunny.

1:13:44 - 1:13:58

But then if I've forgotten and it's dark, I then have to do this kind of weird, incredible manoeuvre where I've got the clothes horse, I'm sort of carrying it, but sort of bending it up to get through the back door past the kitchen table next to the radiator.

1:13:58 - 1:14:06

And then if I have to bring them both in, then the other one just sits right by the back door, which I think is good because if someone comes in to try and steal the Subaru again,

1:14:06 - 1:14:15

they're going to be confronted by the TK Maxx Deluxe. No, Kmart, forgive me, the Kmart Deluxe clothes horse and that will create a racket and we will wake up.

1:14:15 - 1:14:20

Of course. I do like that we are all against tumble dryers. Tumble dryers are stupid.

1:14:20 - 1:14:28

They use loads of electricity. I am triding on, business that deals in tumble dryers.

1:14:28 - 1:14:34

So I have outsourced my culpability or responsibility with respect to the tumble dryer. So we've got the sheets at home.

1:14:34 - 1:14:49

We've got dinner. Everyone's happy to see each other and we are now sitting down with our dinner at 7.30pm to watch Junior Bake Off, which is our family show that we watch at the moment.

1:14:49 - 1:14:58

And I'll tell you this, we are loving it. Sleep time. Woof. This is good TV.

1:14:58 - 1:15:09

What is it? Pastry week? What week is it? There were six left. So it was the day before semifinals and the technical was they had to make these sort of bubble waffle tacos,

1:15:09 - 1:15:13

which was actually, it got away from a lot of them. It looked like a really tough bake.

1:15:13 - 1:15:28

And then the showstopper was you had to make these layered sort of giant cookie, not quite cakes, but you had to make these giant, there had to be seven, I think it was five or seven layers of cookie with filling in between.

1:15:28 - 1:15:36

Lasagna. Yeah, cookie lasagna. Yeah. And Harry Hill's dresses Garfield going, oh, this makes Mondays all right.

1:15:36 - 1:15:42

You know, and everyone's laughing and laughing. But hang on, are these New Zealand, Australia, or British children?

1:15:42 - 1:15:45

No, no, no, this is the British one. This is straight from the top shelf.

1:15:45 - 1:15:50

This is premium junior bake-off. I don't know that it's been spun off in either of these territories.

1:15:50 - 1:15:54

We've been working our way through this season for a while and it's sort of building to a crescendo.

1:15:55 - 1:16:02

And it's a very sort of satisfying and unifying way to close out the- Is Paul Hollywood there?

1:16:02 - 1:16:11

Is he being mean to children? There's no Hollywood. It's Rav and Liam. They've got different judges and Harry Hill, who's the host, who is honestly reigning supreme.

1:16:11 - 1:16:15

So funny. When he brings him in, he always goes, nice to see him. It's Rav and Liam.

1:16:15 - 1:16:22

We will walk around the house saying this to one another. Do you have a favourite?

1:16:22 - 1:16:27

Is there someone that you really, you guys are really, are looking for? There was.

1:16:27 - 1:16:38

She actually, one of our favourites, sort of not, if you were to use sporting analogies, like a second team sort of, they're never going to challenge for the premiership, but they're fun to watch.

1:16:38 - 1:16:48

Very messy young girl called Immy, who would always pull some incredible bake out of her ass and show up like honestly just caked in flour and food colouring and shit.

1:16:48 - 1:16:55

The end of her bake is always so funny. And this season will be, we'll be behind where the rest of the world is, I assume.

1:16:55 - 1:17:05

And then there's two obvious front runners who are kind of, I'm not actually invested in any particular one of them winning the way that you can become with the adults.

1:17:05 - 1:17:10

I'm sort of just like blown away at how impressive these kids are. How old are they?

1:17:10 - 1:17:21

They vary from eight to 13, which is quite a big variance because one of the front runners, or maybe it's 12, but one of the front runners is 12 and one of the girls who's left is eight.

1:17:21 - 1:17:30

And you're thinking, those are four big years, man. I just feel from my appearance on Bake Off, if we can just go back to that.

1:17:30 - 1:17:39

Yeah, we should. Inedible. I clearly contradicted that by eating some of it. So it wasn't inedible.

1:17:39 - 1:17:44

It was an Arctic roll. Look, all of the judging takes quite a long time.

1:17:44 - 1:17:49

And because this was an ice cream based, so you know what an Arctic, it's like a Swiss roll with ice cream in it.

1:17:49 - 1:17:52

And I'd also put a layer, because I was going for a Banoffee Arctic roll.

1:17:52 - 1:18:02

So I put a layer of caramel into it. Now, they put it in a freezer because everyone being judged takes a long time.

1:18:02 - 1:18:09

They didn't just put it in a freezer, guys. They put it in a bloody some sort of, you know, minus 300.

1:18:09 - 1:18:14

An Arctic. They went Arctic because of the name of it. They were like, put it in the Arctic freezer.

1:18:14 - 1:18:26

So Hollywood takes out his knife. It doesn't go through it because the beautiful caramel that I had at the perfect temperature has now gone like Kevlar solid proof, solid.

1:18:26 - 1:18:33

So immediately, like you imagine in the editing when they're looking at this, they're like, oh, great.

1:18:33 - 1:18:46

We'll use this music. It wasn't bad. It wasn't inedible. The editors are looking at it being like, we're going to do the heavy horn music while David's clumping around with this Kevlar caramel.

1:18:46 - 1:18:50

And meanwhile, you're walking around with your start of the day. I am so great.

1:18:50 - 1:18:57

I've done another bake. Look, all I want is, what I call the pizzicato plucked strings music.

1:18:57 - 1:19:02

Blong, blong, blong, blong. Because that means, you know, while he's eating it, blong, blong, blong, blong.

1:19:02 - 1:19:15

Tense, handshake, we're in. Can I ask you, because obviously I assume some of the defense that you're sort of putting up here is knowingly sort of comedic or, you know,

1:19:15 - 1:19:26

is stronger than perhaps the actual belief you have in the dish. If your dish had been treated and kept at the appropriate temperature, do you think the review would have been wholeheartedly different?

1:19:26 - 1:19:34

The sponge was, so the difficulty with this. It's not a straight answer, is it?

1:19:34 - 1:19:46

Ice cream and sponge is effectively fire and ice. You're trying to bring together two things that are fundamentally unstable when you bring them together.

1:19:46 - 1:19:57

So what I was trying to do was just so ambitious that Hollywood's narrow mind couldn't even, can't even conceive of it, you know?

1:19:57 - 1:20:03

You know, paradigm shift is something that people overuse these days. But that's what I was trying to do.

1:20:03 - 1:20:10

I then absolutely ruined it in the next round because I didn't know what frosted iced rings were.

1:20:10 - 1:20:18

And I embarrassed myself. But my showstopper was one of the high points that there's ever been on that show.

1:20:18 - 1:20:23

But this isn't about me. People feel free to go back and look at it.

1:20:23 - 1:20:35

Prue may have had tears in her eyes when I produced my moving tribute to Sir Ernest Shackleton's Ship the Endurance being stuck on a meringue Antarctic in 1916.

1:20:35 - 1:20:41

So I'll say no more. I do love, I mean, it's good all the time, but I do like watching the kids one.

1:20:41 - 1:20:52

And, you know, they start out, some of these kids with these super ambitious showstoppers and they've clearly etched up the sketches for what the kid was imagining after they know what it comes out looking like.

1:20:52 - 1:21:01

And you see some of them and you think, you fucking monsters. You are absolutely fleecing this kid.

1:21:01 - 1:21:08

Okay, so bake-off finishes. And then where do we go? Sheets on the bed. Haven't done sheets on the bed yet.

1:21:08 - 1:21:18

So we get the, I'm sort of trying to encourage, you know, nine years old is too young to be making your own bed, but I'm saying, let's do this together.

1:21:18 - 1:21:23

So we do the bottom sheet together. We do the duvet together. We get a bit of purchase out of that.

1:21:23 - 1:21:27

It's fun. Bit of fun. And the pillow I do because it's a pain in the ass.

1:21:27 - 1:21:33

Very briefly, what technique? Yes, I do make Ian, I make Ian do his. So yeah, I presume that was the question.

1:21:33 - 1:21:39

Yeah, he spends enough time in there. What technique do we use to get the, you know, the O'Doherty system?

1:21:39 - 1:21:49

I hold the top between my teeth and spread out the two corners and then the other person places the duvet itself over, the duvet cover over me.

1:21:49 - 1:21:59

So we lay out the inside out single duvet cover. Oh, yeah. We then overlay the duvet in the appropriate configuration.

1:21:59 - 1:22:12

We take a side each, we slither our hands up the duvet cover, we hold onto our corner for dear life and then I look and I say, now watch this and then we rip our hands down and within seconds,

1:22:12 - 1:22:22

all of a sudden, we've got a fully dressed duvet. That's magic. And so we do that, we do our bedtime, which is, there's a karakia we do, which is, it's actually,

1:22:22 - 1:22:33

it's not a karakia, it's a Buddhist prayer. A karakia is sort of like, it's like a Maldi kind of prayer or spiritual poem or sort of, you know, words of affirmation that you can say.

1:22:33 - 1:22:40

Is it like, David, you are so cool, you're doing a great job. It is, it's your wind down, David, you are so cool.

1:22:40 - 1:22:46

So it's with a much calmer voice, it's David, you are so cool and we love you for being you.

1:22:46 - 1:23:02

And so we do that and then it's good night, good night, good night, good night, I love you and I will come and give you a, cuddle in the morning before I go and then we're out into the lounge for you'd assume an opportunity to catch up

1:23:02 - 1:23:07

given that we've both had quite full days but it is instead something superior to the catch up when deployed correctly.

1:23:07 - 1:23:18

Board game. Individual phone time. Yes. Are you on either end of the sofa? Just the soles of your feet touching as you face off in opposite ways.

1:23:18 - 1:23:27

That is a common configuration, no Chelsea's in the comfiest chair in the lounge, I'm on the couch and it's actually, it's not even phone time, we're on laptops and we're both,

1:23:27 - 1:23:35

I don't even know what's happening over there but we're both having our wicked way with the internet and I'm doing mine until it's no longer feeling rewarding and then I think,

1:23:35 - 1:23:41

must pack. So I don't interfere, I don't say anything, I don't say, is there anything we need to talk about?

1:23:41 - 1:23:54

How are you going? I leave space where it must exist and I think, you know, I hope that whatever is on that web browser is bringing you joy and I start taking the laundry that I've carefully,

1:23:54 - 1:24:04

folded and put away in my drawers and choosing, you know, the five A-list sort of t-shirts because I've got the full arsenal to choose from.

1:24:04 - 1:24:09

So I'm having a lot of fun. I'm choosing my favorite t-shirts, the best undies, the socks.

1:24:09 - 1:24:16

We are on an A-class whirlwind tour of the East Coast of Australia and I'm dressed in my finery.

1:24:16 - 1:24:26

Do you feel genuine sadness for undies that haven't just quite made it? You know, like you guys, you guys have been great servants.

1:24:26 - 1:24:36

It's a good time for you to ask me that question because during Adelaide Fringe this year, I did a total overhaul.

1:24:36 - 1:24:40

I was traveling with undies who were lucky to make the trip and I said, you know what?

1:24:40 - 1:24:52

There is a hotel rubbish bin with your name on it and I went into Lululemon, which is pretty high end, never bought the Lululemon undies before and I bought two five packs.

1:24:52 - 1:25:04

I'm rocking. 10 borderline brand spanking pairs of the premium athleisure wear underpants. Hey guy, you know who else?

1:25:04 - 1:25:08

You know who else guy would just chuck away some underpants and buy some new ones, don't he?

1:25:08 - 1:25:14

Am I talking to him? No, I'm talking about the guy I aspire to be.

1:25:14 - 1:25:30

It's classic reach of behavior. It's classic reach of behavior. I don't think I would trust a lady named Sharp Lululemon with knowing where my plums are going to be sitting in undies.

1:25:30 - 1:25:37

I was once like you are now and I know that it's not easy to take chance when you've got testes going on.

1:25:37 - 1:25:48

But I was in Lululemon with comedian friend Chris Parker and he was telling me about the value of the Lululemon running shorts and I was saying, look, I'm pretty well spoken for with running shorts.

1:25:48 - 1:25:54

I'm going to buy a pair on your recommendation. And then next to running shorts were the undies.

1:25:54 - 1:25:57

And I said, have you ever rocked these? And he said, absolutely. They're good to go.

1:25:57 - 1:26:03

And I thought, I'm just doing it. This is impulsive. I'm doing it. Crazy. Are they a jockey short or a brief?

1:26:03 - 1:26:09

What a Lululemon offering. I don't quite know which one is which, but they're not your dad's undies.

1:26:09 - 1:26:19

They're your person's undies. Got it. They're like a tight short. You could play cricket in them and not worry about losing the box and you could walk around the house in them and not worry about losing a nut.

1:26:19 - 1:26:25

Okay. They sound good. I might invest. I'm against it. Just imagine if Max Rushden brought out a range of bras.

1:26:25 - 1:26:30

You'd be like, nothing in this makes me feel he's got to know what... Can I shock you?

1:26:30 - 1:26:46

Okay. So are you packing light? Is it hand luggage only for five days? So you would think, but no, in this instance, I'm actually, I'm picking something up which will have to be checked on for the return leg.

1:26:46 - 1:26:54

So I'm thinking, were that not the case, I'd just go carry on. But because I know that I'm going to have to wait for a bag on the return leg anyway,

1:26:54 - 1:27:03

I think why not give yourself the luxury of space? Yeah. And also why not give yourself the luxury of traveling with over a hundred milliliters of any toiletry?

1:27:03 - 1:27:10

You know, I'm over here with the big tube of moisturizer, boys. Over a hundred mils for five days.

1:27:10 - 1:27:16

What are you, oiling yourself up entirely? I don't need it, but isn't it nice to have the option?

1:27:16 - 1:27:21

I got the big tube of toothpaste. All right. I've bought my own shampoo. I'm living large.

1:27:21 - 1:27:26

Yeah, this is nice. He's got a travel Toblerone size thing of toothpaste with him.

1:27:26 - 1:27:33

My toothpaste is Toblerone. I just melt down a giant Toblerone. Lovely, really lovely. Rub it on the teeth.

1:27:33 - 1:27:38

Right. So you've packed. Is it bedtime? Feels like bedtime. It does. I'll tell you this.

1:27:38 - 1:27:48

It really, really does feel like bedtime. But before it can be bedtime, at some point, Charles looks up from the computer and says, you're a busy bee, but what are you doing?

1:27:48 - 1:27:59

And I say, I'm packing. And then we have an enjoyable sort of Pootley style, you know, back and forth conversation while I put the finishing touches on the pack, which remains one of life's great luxuries.

1:27:59 - 1:28:03

Like having someone else in the room while you clean it, it just revolutionizes the whole experience.

1:28:03 - 1:28:10

Finish the pack. I realize we've not put the sheets on, which I was planning to do solo, but we run that operation as a team.

1:28:10 - 1:28:17

And then I am smelly. And I say, I'm not getting into these clean sheets with a stench.

1:28:17 - 1:28:25

So I run myself through a shower at about 11.10 and I'm fresh. I'm clean. I'm tired.

1:28:25 - 1:28:31

Clean and clean sheets. It really happens, doesn't it? And that's a beautiful thing. It's a classy touch.

1:28:31 - 1:28:39

And then we're in bed and it's good night and lights out by 11.30 and then I'm gone.

1:28:39 - 1:28:48

It's like that. Marvelous. A lot of people listening will want to know, is this always the thing with Gaiman comedy?

1:28:48 - 1:28:52

Do you simply shut your eyes like Napoleon and just go straight off to sleep?

1:28:52 - 1:29:00

Or do sometimes do you need to... It's varied. I think at home, my sleep hygiene is pretty tidy.

1:29:00 - 1:29:06

It's no phone in the room. It's a conversation or a book is the wind down to sleep.

1:29:06 - 1:29:11

And then when I'm on the road, it's pretty funny because all beds are off.

1:29:11 - 1:29:19

And I know the same is true for Chelsea at home because I come back and I can see so happy to have me, so grateful to have someone to go to sleep with,

1:29:19 - 1:29:28

but also the laptop and the sort of YouTube white noise video of someone vlogging are no longer permitted in the bed.

1:29:28 - 1:29:36

And there is undeniably an undercurrent of frustration that I have replaced someone that she has spent the last week forming a very close relationship.

1:29:36 - 1:29:44

Hey guy, thanks for doing this. Thanks for coming on. Thank you so much for having me.

1:29:44 - 1:29:58

I've really enjoyed it. I thought it was a lovely day filled with, you know, because in this business of show, it's difficult to balance your role in real life with going off and doing the gigs like we were saying.

1:29:58 - 1:30:04

And I felt you did a lovely version of that. And I think people will enjoy listening to it as well.

1:30:04 - 1:30:14

Thanks for doing it, Guy Montgomery. Thank you so much for having me and good luck with, you know, I suppose future yesterdays, which we call tomorrows.

1:30:14 - 1:30:31

Cheers, Guy. Thanks a lot, guys. So there we are. Guy Montgomery's yesterday. Great day.

1:30:31 - 1:30:38

Great guy. Great times. Yeah, the underpants. That's really stayed with me. I think I might go and get some from Lululemon.

1:30:38 - 1:30:47

From Lululemon. I know. I'm at the husk stage. I was discussing it last week, you know, with your, you know, your balls just hanging out of just sort of bits of elastic.

1:30:47 - 1:30:53

But I'm there now. And I think Jamie would be impressed if I went Lululemon and maybe a bit jealous.

1:30:53 - 1:31:00

I probably expect expensive, I would say. Do you think so? Pants are expensive. Whatever you get, you're like, what, for them?

1:31:00 - 1:31:05

It's not a lot of material. Yeah. For a long time, I was a Marks and Spencer's man.

1:31:05 - 1:31:12

But they tend to go sort of crispy after a while. Quite like the sail of a ship.

1:31:12 - 1:31:17

It's not the adjective for pants, is it? Yeah. Or a pancake. A Findus pancake.

1:31:17 - 1:31:25

That's what you want. No, I loved his day. I thought he's, he clearly, like, he's, he's doing everything right.

1:31:25 - 1:31:37

That's an interesting, I'm just about to go on tour day, isn't it? But you could see that he is a great dad and he's also, him and I have a,

1:31:37 - 1:31:40

you know, we bonded. Yeah. You know, he's got a cottage pie in the freezer.

1:31:40 - 1:31:44

He doesn't have a cottage pie in the freezer. We both want to be Jack Reacher.

1:31:44 - 1:31:49

He's got a mouth ulcer in his tongue. The coffee, the coffee, for goodness sake.

1:31:49 - 1:31:57

The coffee, the ulcer, the cottage pie. It's like my New Zealand version. Or be it perhaps slightly more talented and successful.

1:31:57 - 1:32:01

But those things, we can iron out those things. Could the ulcer come from the coffee?

1:32:01 - 1:32:06

That's my real question. It's just that extra quarter that you've got rid of is the thing.

1:32:06 - 1:32:09

Oh, you see, if I had that much more milk, I wouldn't ever have ulcers.

1:32:09 - 1:32:18

Once after my A-levels, 20 of us went to Gumbet in Turkey to dance, to freed from desire all night and drink shots.

1:32:18 - 1:32:25

And it was a two week holiday and 10 days in, I had literally my entire top and bottom lip covered.

1:32:25 - 1:32:28

I was so run down. It's just, I was not made for two weeks of clubbing, David.

1:32:28 - 1:32:33

And literally I was just lying in bed. I was basically just a mouth ulcer.

1:32:33 - 1:32:39

All of me was just a mouth ulcer. I just needed a big pipette of iodine to be dropped on me and me to just burn.

1:32:39 - 1:32:47

It was really something else. Now you're in your 11 with that self-same mouth. You've really got to keep those ulcers from the door.

1:32:47 - 1:32:52

It'd be the equivalent of a footballer doing their cruciate would be if you got a bad ulcer now.

1:32:52 - 1:32:55

Do you know, I've done a few, you know, I've had a few, really bad ones in the career.

1:32:55 - 1:33:01

The worst ones are kind of like radio show, ad break, get on the really strong stuff, ram it on.

1:33:01 - 1:33:11

You're sort of holding, this is a talk sport. I'm sort of holding the basin with both hands in like the news break as my mouth is like burning up.

1:33:11 - 1:33:21

There are tears in my eyes like welling up and then I steal myself and I get back in and do another section and interview, you know, Perry Groves about Arsenal's form and then it's back in.

1:33:21 - 1:33:27

What a hero. There's only one other guy that could do that and we know who that is.

1:33:27 - 1:33:32

Guy Montgomery. Guy Montgomery. Anyway, if you'd like to get in touch with the podcast, here's how.

1:33:32 - 1:33:40

To get in touch with the show, you can email us at whatdidyoudoyesterdaypod at gmail.com.

1:33:40 - 1:33:49

Follow us on Instagram at yesterdaypod and please subscribe and leave a review if you liked it on your preferred podcast platform and if you didn't, please don't.

1:33:49 - 1:33:56

Hey, thanks David. I still love you. I like doing it, Max. Yeah, I'm in it for life.

1:33:56 - 1:34:07

I'm in it for life. Me too. I was thinking if we do it for life, you know, when Ian gets to about 20 and he'll be like, hang on, there's a fortnightly recap of everything I did.

1:34:07 - 1:34:13

Is that what I want? You know, because I don't put my kids on social media thinking I don't want my kids to be on social media, right?

1:34:13 - 1:34:19

I don't want, you know, I want them to live their own lives and yet here I am doing a fortnightly update on whether he's taken a shit in a potty.

1:34:19 - 1:34:58

The poor guy. Everything is showbiz. Thanks, Max. Everything is showbiz. Cheers, mate. Cheers, mate.

WDWDY #74: Hoovered Under The Duvet

S4 EP22: Briony May Williams

WDWDY #73: I'm Eating Bullets

S4 EP21: Ben Elton

WDWDY #72: The Montenegro Tease

S4 EP20: Shane Daniel Byrne

WDWDY #71: I could go on You Bet!

S4 EP19: Amy Annette

WDWDY #70: In The Air Tonight

S4 EP18: Paul Williams

WDWDY #69: Caught with a Kumquat

S4 EP17: Waleed Aly

WDWDY #68: I am Poo Poo

S4 EP16: Lloyd Langford

WDWDY #67: I HATE NATURE

S4 EP15: Isy Suttie

WDWDY #66: Busted knees and ruptured spleens

S4 EP14: Mel Giedroyc

WDWDY #65: Max & David's Woke Daydream

S4 EP13: Chris Addison

WDWDY #64: It's 6am in Texas

S4 EP12: Bilal Zafar

WDWDY #63: Faulty Bike Seats

S4 EP11: Tom Cashman

WDWDY #62: Dublin Show Post Mortem

S4 EP10: Phil Ellis

WDWDY #61: Exceptional Perineum

S4 EP9: Marjolein Robertson

WDWDY #60: Yesterday waits for no man

S4 EP8: Fern Brady

WDWDY #59: Fun Facts and Days Before

S4 EP7: Michelle Wolf

WDWDY #58: Y.E.S.T.E.R.D.A.Y.

S4 EP6: Susie McCabe

WDWDY #57: Sandwich and soup combo

S4 EP5: Richard Herring

WDWDY #56: All my troubles seemed so far away...

S4 EP4: Vittorio Angelone

WDWDY #55: A Soapy Explosion

S4 EP3: Christopher Macarthur-Boyd

WDWDY #54: A Yesterday Like Any Other

S4 EP2: John Kearns

WDWDY #53: Do yesterdays dream of electric cheese?

S4 EP1: Bret McKenzie

WDWDY #52: Duelling Cheeseboards

The Great Christmas Bunny Emergency (Part 3)

The Great Christmas Bunny Emergency (Part 2 )

The Great Christmas Bunny Emergency (Part 1 )

S3 EP27: Rob Auton

WDWDY #51: In Fairness To Lube

No results found

Search Error

Everything Is Showbiz

How to Search:

Popular Search Ideas:

Everything Is Showbiz

S3 EP3: Guy Montgomery