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There are millions of them. Some might say too many. I have one already. I don't have any because there are enough.
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Politics, business, sport, you name it. There's a podcast about it. And they all ask the big questions and cover the hot topics of the day.
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But nobody is covering the most important topic of all. Why is that? Are they scared?
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Too afraid of being censored by the man? Possibly. But not us. We're here to ask the only question that matters.
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We try and say it at the same time, Max. What did you do yesterday?
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What did you do yesterday? What did you do yesterday? That's it. All we're interested in is what the guests got up to yesterday.
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Nothing more. Day before yesterday, Max? Nope. The greatest and most interesting day of your life?
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Unless it was yesterday. We don't want to know about it. I'm Max Rushden. And I'm David O'Doherty.
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Welcome to What Did You Do Yesterday? Welcome to episode eight of What Did You Do Yesterday?
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David O'Doherty, welcome. Hello. So I was cycling through Dublin City earlier and a man at a bus stop shouted, what did you do yesterday at me?
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Which is fine, but does imply, if you don't know the podcast, and I find it difficult to believe there's anyone out there who doesn't at this point because it's taken podcasting by storm,
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but it does appear I've done something terrible yesterday, Max. Was it the... The guarder.
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Was it a policeman? Well done. Good references. Yes. Anyway, I've got some... We've got to get into the serious feedback, David.
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Okay. Nothing more serious than this from Nick, who says, I was really baffled by the confusion around what a wall light is.
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This is in the Rose Matafeo. So do people know what a sconce? So she tried to clarify it by saying a wall light, you know, a sconce.
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Yeah, that threw me. I was in a better place when she just said wall light.
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And then when she said sconce, she threw me right off the scent. He says, I think Rose gave that question more respect than it really deserved.
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Nothing else. The name ought to be description enough. I think you could probably say that about many questions that are asked.
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Some big news, David. Yes. From Rob. This is a sort of, in podcast terms, it's important to get some marriages under our belt.
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And Rob says, Hi, Max and David. How's it going? Just want to send a quick email to say my partner and I are in Ireland at the moment.
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Road trip, Galway, Killarney, Kilkenny, Dublin for a bit of a dream road trip. We're listening to the Rose Matafao at the moment, driving from Killarney to the Rock of Cashel.
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Cashel, yeah. Cashel. And yesterday we got engaged at a beautiful stone fort on the Ring of Kerry Drive.
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A couple of photos attached. Thought you'd like to know. Love the pod. Love your country, David.
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Go get it. Shout out to my fiance, Lauren. So there. So the first one is going to have to buy new hats and go to their wedding.
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Normally when you read feedback, Max, it's awful, awful stuff. I am prepared for the worst.
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And it was a genuinely lovely... Imagine driving around Ireland listening to Rose Matafao. At one time, Rose came to visit me here and I wanted to show her the west of Ireland and there was an orange storm warning.
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But I thought, no, it'll still be fine. And the weather was so bad, the hailstones were so bad, even if you got the drawstring and tightened your hood, so just your eyeballs were the only thing sticking out,
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ice would hit it and you'd run back to the car. So welcome to Ireland.
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Yeah, I took Mrs. Rushden to the Cliffs of Moher when she had laryngitis and she's never forgiven me because it's blustery up there.
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Who knew? It's an old cure. The Cliffs of Moher. Now, I'm worried, David, we've had our first issue in our relationship, which so far has been very strong.
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Oh, no. In my relentless attempts to promote the podcast on X, I suggested you were doing a live tour with Elon Musk called What's Your Favourite Pasta Shape?
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And I sensed that actually you genuinely were annoyed to be put into Elon Musk's mentions.
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You did at Elon Musk. I did, yeah. I mean, it's not that dissimilar to when you claimed that the American presidential candidates might be coming on the podcast.
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Yeah. I just, I feel we don't need to do that. You are chasing engagement in some of these publicity, whereas I just like to put up a funny picture of, say, me and the guest or me and you.
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You are trying to take it into another place. I mean, I was trying to do that this week.
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Max, I used one of those AI bots and I asked it, who's the best possible guest for What Did You Do Yesterday?
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Is it Sam Campbell? Malala. It's Malala. It's Malala. In many ways, the Sam Campbell of women and girls' rights around the world.
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I think so. Now, interestingly, we did on iTunes reviews, we went from a 4.7 to a 4.8 this week, so that's good.
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Although we did go back down to a 4.7 again. Dream Boat says, David O'Doherty is my dream best Teddy ruckspin with an Irish accent.
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So glad I get more of him, but please play your tiny piano. Max, I have no idea who you are, but your voice is lush, great podcast, very funny.
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Three stars. That's why we're down to a four. Three? I think that should have been higher than three.
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I think that's an issue. Excellent episode of the pod, says Johnny. Genuinely a huge fan.
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It's a lovely way to start a Sunday, but this is a big but. We need to hear the Nish Kumar episode.
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If only to discover, which guests are the biggest troublemakers. What are you other guests covering up?
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We need transparency. I mean, that is the problem, isn't it? That I just don't think people are ready.
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And so we can't do it yet. I think they will be ready though. At some point.
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I have the file on my computer, but I've had to put it on the dark web.
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Look, I'm happy to go into the dark web. It might surprise you to know that I've never been there before.
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But like, if that gets us to a 4.8, I mean, I don't want to end up with lots of weaponry.
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No, I just don't need a crossbow. Anyway, thank you to everyone who's listening to this.
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The Ivo Graham episode, lots of people have bought bouncy balls since then. And somebody messaged me to say they stopped to buy lettuce after his lunch.
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Oh yeah, he had a lettuce for lunch. Lettuce for lunch. Today, I think it could inspire you.
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It's Sam Campbell. Within the biz, I think there was a general understanding that he is incredible, he's his own man.
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And then he went and won Taskmaster in the UK, which definitely brought it to a wider audience.
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And he's now, I mean, he's a filmmaker. Look him up on YouTube. His last special that he filmed himself, he put on YouTube, it's filmed through a rifle sight.
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I mean, say no more than that. Anyway, he is great. And this is what Sam Campbell did yesterday.
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Sam Campbell, thanks for coming on. Welcome. Oh, thank you so much for having me.
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What time did you wake up at? We're not saying get out of bed. Okay.
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You get thrown straight in the deep end on this, don't you? You don't seem prepared for the level of detail that this podcast involves.
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This is going to be excruciating. That's the level of detail. Can I just say that I'm ready to be excruciated?
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Excruciating. Before the pod, you said you'd taken notes. No one has gone to those lengths before, I don't believe, so I'm excited.
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I've got a document here that says Samuel's Day. I reckon I was up at just before seven.
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Like awake or just is it eyes open and the day goes, you go. I had a lot to do.
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Well, not a lot to do, but I had to, I was traveling. So I was sort of like, let's get up.
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And I set an alarm so I could look at my old alarm. But I usually, I used to be working up by the pigeons, but that's not happening anymore.
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We don't care if there were no pigeons yesterday. The pigeons are there. Here's the thing.
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Listen to this, Max. The pigeons are still there. But, and I was, there was all kinds of plans because these pigeons were pissing me off, dude.
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They would drive me crazy with their horn. I was going to put CDs all over the balcony, upside down, because I think pigeons hate CDs.
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They're from the mini disc generation, aren't they? They don't like old media. They're like, what?
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Get an alarm, your eyes open. I've got silicon earplugs these days. Oh, really? Do you think there's something that's going to come out about them?
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They're so good. They mold perfectly into your ears. They're incredible. I'm just worried that something could happen and they won't be able to rouse you from your slumber and you will cook like a sausage on a barbecue.
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Yeah, they're just so good. They've changed my life. Like they just, they cut out the sound.
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What position do you sleep in? Because if you sleep on your side with earplugs, sometimes I'm worried.
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I'm worried the earplug is forcing its way closer and closer to the brain. I love this guy pretending he hasn't watched me sleep.
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I was just wondering if you still wear the nightie. I'm like a really restless sleeper and I toss and turn and I fly around the bed and I've woken up upside down.
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I've woken up in crazy, crazy positions. And yet the silicon is always still where you started.
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No, sometimes they fly out of my, of my ears and I have to find them in the bed.
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Oh wow, okay. Yeah. But this was a morning where they done their job. They fit, they stayed snug.
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Yeah. For anyone who's having trouble with construction sand or pigeons or any other sort of disturbance.
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I also thought I was maybe going to get an owl because apparently if you have like a fake owl that deters the pigeons.
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Oh, I've seen the ones that are like a kite that goes out, but that's more for seagulls.
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You know, like a kite on a wire that just bops up and down outside your flat.
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I think it's like, yeah, it's this owl with glowing red eyes. It's like, you read the reviews of these things and everyone's like, no, this does not work at all.
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Like the pigeons, they like the owl. They want to spend time with it. You know, life's got to a certain level when you're reviewing an owl.
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And also when you're reading the reviews of the owl. Yeah. Great. So I woke up, I read owl reviews for 40 minutes.
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Okay. How close to your bed is the phone? What do you do? What do you do as soon as you are in a sort of awakened state, Sam?
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I try to have the phones never in the bed. Yeah, good. And the laptop as well.
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I would never have my MacBook. I keep the Silver Witch clear of my space.
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Yeah, I'm with you. Silver Witch with her spells. I don't want that in the bed.
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Yeah, but you're using the phone as an alarm clock. So it's got to be nearby.
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But you have it nearby. You want it just out of reach so that you have to scramble out of the bed to turn it off.
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Interesting. Also, you must have it set pretty loud to get through those silicon earplugs we're hearing so much about.
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Exactly. Well, I've got what we call a human alarm clock. This is a guy called Gordon that I employ.
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Well, you know those guys, they used to throw stones at your window in the pre-alarm clock era.
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I've heard about this in fishing towns. They'd have a human alarm clock, a guy who would run around and do that.
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Does Gordon have to stay there the whole night? Can he come in like a minute before he's due to go off?
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Well, that's his payment, is to watch me slumber and to hear my sweet everythings that I whisper as I sleep.
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I imagine that and he screams his own name. Gordon! No, no, no. The alarm goes off on the phone and I'm up.
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Right. Up and away. Yeah, I'm up and about. And straight away, I heard you've got to try and get out of the house as soon as you get up.
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Wow! Who's told you this? You just want a bit of sun or a bit of outside.
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Okay. You've got to put some clothes on first. I threw on some garb. I threw on some clothes.
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And straight out. See, the problem here is I believe I wouldn't be in a state that would be capable of conducting my business in the real world.
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But maybe this is something that, you know, that I've just, a fear that I've developed over the last few years.
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Maybe it'll be fine if I went out. But yeah, I would be actually scared.
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I would be speaking in like the Fox language because my English hadn't loaded yet for the day.
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How long are you sort of in your own zone before you leave the home?
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Well, because I rarely have to get up with an alarm clock. I've just, I've developed this quite unhealthy thing where I wake up, I lie there for as long as possible and then I check everything in the world
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to make sure I can get up, to make sure it is safe to get up.
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Oh, right. Yeah, nice. To see, yeah. I better check the Singapore Times. Okay. Okay. I think we can get up now.
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Can I ask, how long does it take between the alarm and you leaving the house, is how long?
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Well, it depends. It depends if I'm in, you know, if I'm sticking to my routine.
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So yesterday I stuck to my routine and I had a plan to look at the ocean very early.
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Right. Okay. I hope, do you live by the sea or? He lives in Alice Springs.
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He's in Paraguay. He's in a landlocked country. You're going to love this, Max. I'm within walking distance of the ocean.
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I dream of that. Your dreams are my reality. I've always said that. Up. Close.
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On. Out the door. Look at the sea. Yeah, I wanted to look to hold council to see the sea.
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Okay. And what do you do? Do you walk up and down or do you just stare at it?
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I wanted to go for a run along the ocean, because the day before was so beautiful and so clear skies, but it was foggy as all hell.
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Yeah. So then what did you do? I still wanted to have a look at it to check it out.
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So I went downstairs and I saw doorman Brian. Hey, a doorman. You've got a doorman.
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Brian is a guy who, yeah, works. He works at the front desk. I live in this weird building where there's a guy called Brian.
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He's watched me, but he's a friend of mine. I watched you. Oh, what's your comedy?
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No, we've got like cameras, I think, around where I live, like all the apartments.
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Yeah, he said, sometimes I watch you in your apartment. You're always smiling. So that's real.
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He did say that. Sounds like you're in prison. Sometimes it feels like it. No, but I didn't know that there's, yeah, there's a lot of cameras set up around my apartment building.
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I think we're, we're all under constant surveillance. The two options here are he's either in prison or because of the proximity of the ocean, he's on a cruise ship.
15:05 - 15:14
He lives on a cruise ship, goes down, Gordon wakes him, chats to Brian, go see the captain, have a gin and tonic.
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Is there always a buffet breakfast in your house? No, when we all moved in and we were promised the world, there was, they promised a lot of events and things like that.
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And that's all sort of dried up. They don't do that anymore. So I go down the stairs, I see Brian, at the desk, I can see the look in his eyes and I'm faced with my first dilemma of the day.
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Okay, which is? Will I play shuffleboard with Brian? Can I just jump in here, Assam?
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You're one of those people who every time I've ever met you, you've been wearing the same clothes.
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You're sort of like Bart Simpson or something. Are you wearing the same clothes? Yeah, I couldn't say.
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I think I was, oh, yeah, I'm not good with that. I'm not really a fashionista.
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I'm a bit of a fashion victim. I'm not sure what I'm wearing. Just a nice t-shirt.
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A little t-shirt and shorts. I was definitely wearing shorts and socks with green stripes.
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Okay. Oh, my God, I really feel like I'm under the microscope. Yeah, yeah, you are.
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By the end of the episode, I'll have wrestled. I'll have climbed up the neck of the end, and I'll have you guys under the scope, and there's going to be a full flip.
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Don't you worry. I'll be studying you. Okay, so Brian, I can see the look in his eyes.
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We play shuffleboard a lot, usually late at night. So he works the night shift because I'm up early.
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He's still working, so he's been there all night. What's shuffleboard? Shuffleboard is a game.
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I think usually you're on the shuffleboard, but this is a small version that's on a table.
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Maybe this is table shuffleboard that we have at our building. Is it one where you have to get a ball, you tilt a sort of a game board and get a ball into a hole?
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There's no tilting. It's sand, and it's about, there's like these sort of silver, I think, I couldn't even say what they are.
16:52 - 16:56
It's like curling. Do you know curling where they go? Like air hockey, effectively. Oh, right.
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It's like bowling. It's like a ball. It's like tiny ball. Yeah, but they're like flat.
17:00 - 17:04
They're like sort of, I'd say pancake, but these things, they're sort of, they're silver.
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I know that the real shuffleboard, the metal they're made from, is all from one mine, and it's like really rare.
17:12 - 17:19
A guy told me about that once. Right. You've got this in the foyer of the hotel, or do you bring the whole table down?
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This is not a hotel. This is the building that I live in. Yes, sorry, your building.
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Yeah, that's part of it. That's one of the features is that that's how they get you in there.
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They go, we've got the shuffleboard. So every time you walk into or out of your house, you might have to play shuffleboard with Brian.
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Yeah. Yeah. Well, he just looks at me, and I love chatting to Brian. We're both pretty into sort of conspiracies and things.
17:41 - 17:50
So I'm interested now, we walk down to the shore, and we're looking out to sea.
17:50 - 17:57
Maybe you're waiting for a signal of some kind. Sam, did you lose your wife to the sea, and are you waiting for her?
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For her trawler to come back in? But it's been years. I don't have a wife, but I'm hoping the sea will offer one.
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Did you play shuffleboard with Brian, either going in or going out? No. Well, Brian, I went back to Australia for a few months.
18:09 - 18:14
In the time I was gone, Brian, I think, was practicing every day because he's now so good.
18:14 - 18:26
Oh. Yeah. Oh, fuck. I used to shit all over this guy. And does he now say, Sam, let's make this a little more interesting, and he slaps a 20 down on the shuffleboard?
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We haven't played for money yet, but it does get pretty extreme. He throws his own sand across it.
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He's got all the bits now. He is in control of the sand, and he's so not.
18:35 - 18:43
I love watching him sprinkle the sand. Okay, so do we go for a run, or is this just a walk?
18:43 - 18:46
Because you are in shorts. This is just a walk because it's quite cold, there's fog.
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I was in shorts, which was a mistake. Okay. There's a key difference, I feel.
18:50 - 18:57
If you go for a run, if you run in jeans, you look suspicious. And yet, if you...
18:57 - 19:04
If you run in shorts, everyone's like, he's gone for a run. I think there's a key distinction there that's worth mentioning.
19:04 - 19:09
Yeah, it's all about attire. Yeah, okay. So you walk for how long? Oh, I walked up to the West Pier.
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Okay. Which is a pier that burned down and that I've had troubles with in the past.
19:14 - 19:21
But I love it. I understand. Were you just soaking in the sound of the ocean, or were you listening to Jagged Little Pill?
19:21 - 19:27
Great question. Great question from Max. I wasn't listening to anything. I try to avoid...
19:27 - 19:34
I don't want technology in the first part of the day. I've got one hand in my pocket, and the other's giving a peace sign.
19:34 - 19:39
That's Jagged Little Pill. Really good. Yeah. Okay, so that's nice. So you're like digital detox of the morning.
19:39 - 19:44
You just don't want the technology. It's never going to go well, and any email isn't a fraud.
19:44 - 19:49
So I try to avoid that stuff in the first part of the day. That's wild, because you're one of the most digital guys I know.
19:49 - 19:55
Digital person. Like, if you were a hacker, it would not surprise me at all.
19:55 - 19:59
I just don't want to be scrolling. I'm looking and just filling my head with.
19:59 - 20:04
The mind is, do you know about Sherlock Holmes and Watson, his little mate? Yeah.
20:04 - 20:09
Sherlock Holmes didn't know that the earth revolves around the sun. What? He was just doing, solving the murders.
20:09 - 20:12
Watson was telling him about that. He goes, I never knew that. He's like, how did you not know that?
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You're like the most brainy guy I've ever met. And he goes, Watson, my dear, now that you've told me, I shall simply forget it.
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The mind is like an attic, and it can only be filled with so much.
20:21 - 20:27
It's not elastic. It is not an elastic room. So he's very careful about what he puts in his mind.
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Can I just say, I'm having a lovely time. We're sort of maybe a third, if not nearly a half the way through, and I don't believe we've got to half past 7 a.m. yet.
20:36 - 20:45
And you have notes. So I'm just trying to hurry it along, but without giving the air of a sort of time panic.
20:45 - 20:50
Max, have you ever heard of a two or even a three-parter? Oh, wow. This could be our first.
20:50 - 20:55
It could be our first three-parter. We'll get in this one on the cliffhanger. Oh, that's good.
20:55 - 21:03
Settle in. Did Sam run into a COVID marshal that he met years ago, but didn't recognize because when he knew him, he was wearing a mask.
21:03 - 21:13
Wow. So we're at the West Pier. Feeling of accomplishment when we get there? I've been in trouble for swimming under the West Pier before in the summer months.
21:13 - 21:19
With who? Like the lifeguards, because it's like an old pier that burnt down and I love swimming under it.
21:19 - 21:24
I wear goggles and I like to swim around it and they, I mean, the kayak is allowed to paddle through.
21:24 - 21:28
So why do I get in trouble for swimming through? I also dream. I dream of swimming out to the wind turbines.
21:28 - 21:36
They're quite a way. Yeah. And a woman who works for them, she said, if you go out there, you might get electrocuted and you might die.
21:36 - 21:46
When you say she works for them, is it like they're her masters? I think she's like a environmental scientist who...
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Right. Okay. She's not controlled by the wind. She works for the turbines. Yeah. Sam, we've been up now for over 12 minutes.
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You haven't... You haven't eaten anything. Well, first I run into a COVID marshal. Okay.
22:00 - 22:05
There was a COVID marshal, genuinely? Yeah. Yeah, this guy, and he was like, hey, how's it going?
22:05 - 22:10
And I was like, oh, hello. And I didn't recognize him. He goes, oh, it's the COVID marshal on this TV show.
22:10 - 22:18
Oh, you did a TV show on which he was... I thought there... Oh, because I thought there was just COVID marshals along the seafront in Brighton still.
22:18 - 22:23
No, no, no. This guy, he's not doing it anymore. He said it was a nice bit of coin.
22:23 - 22:31
He goes, the COVID marshals were cleaning up. I bet. They'd had quite a fallow time before and after COVID, hadn't they?
22:31 - 22:36
Like as a profession for many years. He'd beat a bird flu marshal before, but it hadn't been as much work.
22:36 - 22:41
Okay. So you met the COVID marshal. You have a nice chat? Yeah, I got him an email.
22:41 - 22:44
I got his email and I'm going to send him an email. Okay. But yeah, it was good to see him.
22:44 - 22:48
I felt guilty for not recognizing him, but I'd only seen this man's eyes. Yeah.
22:48 - 22:56
So harder. Yeah. Yeah. It's true. There was a period in... I used to do comedy before I was a professional podcaster.
22:56 - 23:01
And there was a month in Ireland where everyone in the audience had to wear a face mask.
23:01 - 23:06
And I think people love to think they smile with their eyes. Well, let me tell you, they do not.
23:06 - 23:17
Their eyes, they dart around like they're downloading software. Okay. So we've met the COVID marshal.
23:17 - 23:23
I mean, I know you've got a big day planned here. So what's the next move after that?
23:23 - 23:28
I go home and I eat some wheat flakes and a banana. Really good. In the wheat flakes or separately?
23:28 - 23:34
No, separately. Yeah. And I often eat standing up. I'm really bad. I forget. Sometimes forget to sit down to eat.
23:34 - 23:38
I'm just a bit. Yeah. Yeah. I do that too. I'll eat over the sink.
23:38 - 23:41
Just eat a sandwich over the sink. You think that could have been great if I sat down?
23:41 - 23:46
Sometimes I watch movies standing up and I forget to sit on the couch. The whole movie?
23:46 - 23:51
Like Oppenheimer's. Yeah. What is he doing? He's got this. Okay. Okay. So we stand up.
23:51 - 23:56
We eat our wheat flakes. Yes. I plan to eat some strawberries and I have strawberries, but I forgot.
23:56 - 24:02
I forgot to eat them. Ah, okay. Right. Then what? I was going to fly to Glasgow.
24:02 - 24:12
So I begin researching Glasgow for local references. I do performances and I was researching my performance and researching Glaswegian things.
24:12 - 24:17
For example, the Slab Boys and the Squinty Bridge. I just wanted to have nice local references.
24:17 - 24:22
What are the Slab Boys of Glasgow? That's guys who make paint. They're just famous.
24:22 - 24:26
Like if you call someone a Slab Boy, I think people get a kick out of it.
24:26 - 24:30
Do you think it's a derogatory term? No, no. Slab Boys are good. They're hardworking guys.
24:30 - 24:37
Right. That's funny because I obviously knew that paint wasn't like a natural resource. But I never considered that someone would have to make it.
24:37 - 24:45
Yeah. Slab Boys, yeah. Well, I have been in the paint shop recently. And let me tell you about these paint shops, you guys.
24:45 - 24:53
A lot of them don't really carry the paint anymore. They have a machine where you say the sort of paint you want.
24:53 - 24:56
They input a load of numbers. Beep, boop, boop, beep, boop. It's a bit like.
24:57 - 25:03
There used to be a TV show called Bertha, which was about just a machine that could make things.
25:03 - 25:10
So on a given week to week, Bertha might be making toasters, might be making bread, might be making paint.
25:10 - 25:18
It's a bit like that. And suddenly it sounds like a NutriBullet, but a NutriBullet that makes paint.
25:18 - 25:25
So I guess that's what the Slab Boys used to do. Yeah. Before the machines came to take over.
25:25 - 25:37
Because I. I did notice, I saw your show, Sam, and I saw it in Dublin, and you had really, you'd worked in some quintessential Dublin references that people couldn't believe.
25:37 - 25:45
How does this outback Jack from Aussie know these references that demonstrate he really gets us?
25:45 - 25:54
Well, I will reveal here that I like to do my research, and also I talk to the people who are working at the theatre, because they always go, oh, what's the shittest place around,
25:54 - 25:58
make fun of that or whatever. But I'll say, what's the most boring thing? What's the most boring thing that's happening in the community at the moment?
25:58 - 26:12
Like, what's something that people are talking about, but it's, like, such a non-issue? Like, you want stuff like that, like, that people are just sort of, they're like, oh, yeah, like, some local councilman is saying that they should have three bins instead of four outside.
26:12 - 26:18
So how much time do you sit, you know, you sit there and you meticulously research Glasgow for how long?
26:18 - 26:26
Oh, I would say I did maybe an hour of Glasgow research. I don't like to judge people on this part.
26:26 - 26:35
Because we're delighted that people have taken the 10 grand money to come on it. But why are you flying to Glasgow?
26:35 - 26:41
You should have just got the train. It's a lovely train journey. You go up the side of England.
26:41 - 26:48
I didn't know I'd be flight shamed on this podcast. So you are doing one of these performances.
26:48 - 26:56
You do your comedy, and everyone can see that I've put that in italics. I leaned slightly to the side, your comedy.
26:56 - 27:07
I like that. And so it's a tour day. This is exciting, Max. We've never had someone who's done anything on one of these before.
27:07 - 27:15
Literally, it's a terrible advertisement. I get it that we're just finding guests by going through the phone numbers on my mobile telephone.
27:15 - 27:20
But generally, we haven't got anyone who's done anything with their day. Oh, yeah, I work.
27:20 - 27:25
Look at the calluses on my hand. I'm a working man. They're the softest hands I've ever seen.
27:25 - 27:30
They're not that soft. They're not soft. Do you know what? I have the softest hands.
27:30 - 27:38
Let's have a look. They really, and they're sort of hand model. I'm 45, because I haven't ever done any work.
27:38 - 27:53
There's that wedding ring. I cycle, so I do always have slight calluses. My friend did rowing for a while, and they used to pee on their hands to try and make the skin thicker.
27:53 - 27:56
I bet that's one of those things that doesn't do anything. Is that in the boat?
27:56 - 28:01
Because you can't go to the toilet? Or just every time you went to the toilet, you'd wee in your hands?
28:01 - 28:08
Although, it's interesting. I've never met an interesting rower. Oh, right on. What about the Winklevoss twins from the Facebook movie?
28:08 - 28:19
They're the most famous rowers. It's true. Yeah. They're doing well. Okay. I know we're not very far into the day, but we're around, what, 9.30, 9 o'clock?
28:19 - 28:23
Oh, yeah. I think we're troubling 10. I think it's starting to be around 10. Okay, right.
28:23 - 28:28
Okay. We're racing through here. So you've got to get to Glasgow. Glasgow from Brighton, that's a bit of a go, isn't it?
28:28 - 28:35
Yeah. I've got to head to the Gattie, the Gatwick Airport. So I went to the wrong terminal.
28:35 - 28:39
Yeah, but the terminals are right beside each other in Gattie. That's not a big deal.
28:39 - 28:44
But there's a little while I'm going to have to catch the shuttle. It was a little touch and go, as it always is when I travel.
28:44 - 28:49
So, Sam, now, are you one of those people who leaves too much time for this?
28:49 - 28:54
You see, you're such a seasoned traveller. You know, we can tell by you're a man of the world.
28:54 - 29:07
Yes, I'm worldly. Yes. And so I would say you give yourself not too much time because I feel that's a rookie mistake where like, you know, like my mom, where she dresses like a sailor with brass buttons and
29:07 - 29:14
a double breasted blazer and gets to the airport three and a half hours before a flight to London.
29:14 - 29:21
Yeah, she lives at the airport. She's making a mural with Tom Hanks. That's a great reference.
29:21 - 29:28
Thank you. So you're going to eat. We haven't eaten anything apart from those. And I don't love that breakfast cereal.
29:28 - 29:32
I'm not one of my Wee Flakes that love hearing you say that I haven't eaten anything.
29:32 - 29:42
My Wee Flakes are big fans of yours, David. So we go to a place called the Sonoma Cafe who pride themselves on delivering your meal in under 10 minutes.
29:42 - 29:55
That's written on their menu in big. That's what they go under 10 minutes. Yeah, that's good thing to have in an airport, I feel, because sometimes if you go to Wagamama or whatever, they just treat it at normal restaurant speed.
29:56 - 30:06
I'm not here for a normal restaurant experience. I'm here because Pret-a-Manger was full, but I wanted very fast and into my tummy.
30:06 - 30:15
It's always a mistake when you go to the Fat Duck for the degustation. You know, you're always like, oh, course seven, really.
30:15 - 30:22
So we're in Sonoma. What have you ordered? Oh, I got the Mexican eggs. How were they?
30:22 - 30:26
Not worth writing home about, you know. Dear Terry and Susan, I had some eggs at the airport.
30:26 - 30:33
They weren't great. But come on, that's the deal with airport food, is it not?
30:33 - 30:40
I have to pick you up on one thing. Hello. You've just in the last minute started referring to this we now.
30:40 - 30:43
Oh, I've met up with my tour manager, Joe Siddle. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
30:43 - 30:51
Has he come to make sure you get on this flight? Are you tour-wise, are you one of these people that needs to be babysat, Sam?
30:51 - 30:56
You'd have to ask him. You'd have to chat to him. I mean, I definitely have my moods, but I think I'm pretty good.
30:56 - 31:02
Yeah. Well, usually he drives around the place. Yeah, he should be driving you to Glasgow now.
31:02 - 31:07
Yeah, you'll have to talk to the lady who booked the tour called Charlotte. I mean, this is a three-parter with you.
31:07 - 31:14
I feel we probably don't – I mean, I'm not saying we don't need it, but people would have to be really invested in this for you just to go to your tour manager.
31:14 - 31:24
Max, would it be bold of me to suggest that it's like there's the podcast and then this is almost a mini-series where we interview Charlotte, we talk to all the people, we talk to Brian.
31:24 - 31:31
Did he want to play shuffleboard that day? Yeah. Is he upset with me? Is he angry? Are you angry with me, Brian? Do you hate me?
31:31 - 31:37
This is like West Cork or a serial, except ultimately nothing happens at the end of it.
31:37 - 31:43
Okay, great. So we're on the flight now. Yes, and I was reading a great book on the flight.
31:43 - 31:48
Tell us what book it was. The Bee Sting by Paul Murray, I think he's called.
31:48 - 31:52
He's one of my friends. You know this guy? Yeah, he's one of my best friends.
31:52 - 31:59
How does he – Genuinely. And he's written this beautiful family song. Yeah, he and I were in university together.
31:59 - 32:09
We sat beside each other in philosophy. We lived in Germany for three months when we were 19 years old, and we shared a tiny room.
32:09 - 32:14
And yeah, this is his fourth book, and it got nominated for the Booker Prize this year.
32:14 - 32:19
So you've made a great selection. Wow. I really love that book. This is wild.
32:19 - 32:27
What a twist. This is good. Yeah. Okay. So I'm loving – and loving in parts of my regards and, you know, my compliments to the chef.
32:27 - 32:33
He's cooked up a fantastic little book here. Yep. Great. It's a long one. It's a family saga.
32:33 - 32:43
Yeah, I know that, but it's 600 pages. You could have chosen a more light reading, the next edition of the Jordan autobiography series or something like that.
32:43 - 32:48
Well, when I read, I like to – I want to impress. I want people seeing me thinking, okay, this guy's pretty serious.
32:48 - 33:00
Do you keep on the flight to show everyone how intelligent you are, shutting it, like, quite loud and shaking your head, being like, oh, that is marvellous, absolutely marvellous.
33:00 - 33:05
I go erudite, very erudite. Sometimes I read, like, sheet music, you know, just like that.
33:05 - 33:17
I can't read music at all, but I just look at it on the plane and people are like, oh, wow, this guy must be in some sort of orchestra or perhaps – But then people see written at the top, the Crazy Frog team.
33:17 - 33:25
Me and my wife, years ago, we were at the – is it the Uffizi Gallery?
33:25 - 33:30
Is it in Florence? I can't remember. And the Birth of Venus is there, Botticelli's Birth of Venus.
33:30 - 33:37
And so she's actually quite good at art and I'm absolute shite. But we bought sketch pads and we sat there and we sketched the Birth of Venus.
33:37 - 33:45
So people obviously thought I was an art student. And then they'd look round the back and they'd like, you know, and it literally is absolute garbage.
33:45 - 33:52
And you could just see them walking off going, oh, God, this guy really thinks he's – He thinks he's an artist.
33:52 - 34:00
He thinks he's held back. Max has done a big picture of Garfield. So we've landed in Glasgow, Sam.
34:00 - 34:07
It's exciting. You see the site of the Glasgow skyline. You've got the Iron Brew factory.
34:07 - 34:15
You've got some bridges. You've got the Celtic and the Rangers stadiums. Glasgow. Absolutely. The Squinty Bridge.
34:15 - 34:22
Shout out to the Squinty. What's the Squinty Bridge? That's just sort of a bridge that a railing once collapsed on.
34:22 - 34:28
I used it for one of my gags. And did people go? This guy knows.
34:28 - 34:34
This fella knows his onions. Is that what they said? I feel like you transported me there.
34:34 - 34:42
I've got a date after this. With the Squinty Bridge. So what time did we get?
34:42 - 34:49
I presume you go straight to the hotel, right? We got the bus. Yeah. So I'm with tour manager Joe and he's got all the props and stuff in a chest.
34:49 - 34:56
Did you ever see the chest we had, David? Yeah, I've seen the chest. It's very like what a child who's.
34:56 - 35:00
His parents don't love him, sends him off to boarding school with. It's one of those chests.
35:00 - 35:11
And he, tour manager Joe, he sort of dresses like circus folk. He wears like these billowy shirts and he wears funny outfits and people love the chest and like will smile at him and point at the chest and people admire it.
35:11 - 35:19
That's because sometimes he goes, At the chest in his ventriloquist voice. So we've landed.
35:19 - 35:28
It does seem odd to me that you have got a flight to Glasgow, but then you've just got the bus into town with the chest.
35:28 - 35:32
We caught the 500. It's a great service. And the guy is like putting the chest.
35:32 - 35:42
He's kicking it. Yeah. People have kicked the shit out of the chest. Yeah. We cruise into town and I'd stayed in Glasgow earlier in the year.
35:42 - 35:49
I performed at a venue already. And so this is a return. And last time we'd stay at the Ibis Hotel.
35:49 - 35:56
Oh, yeah. It was a bit bleak. Well, I used to think that Ibis was a fancy name for a hotel.
35:56 - 36:06
And then I went to Sydney in Australia where the Ibis is a bird with a long beak that terrorizes the residents of Sydney by removing chips from bins.
36:06 - 36:13
Yeah, it's considered a great pest. And so then it really recontextualized the Ibis Hotel chain.
36:13 - 36:21
And like you guys picked the wrong animal to name. It'd be like if you called your chain the disease carrying rat.
36:21 - 36:37
Downtown diseased rat. Budget. So, Max, I know a bit about the biz and Sam is being very modest here because when he said he had performed there in the past,
36:37 - 36:52
obviously that was a mega sellout gig. So he's returning in triumph with the chest to perform probably in one of these football stadiums, probably wherever Celtic or Rangers play.
36:52 - 36:58
One of those things. He's free tenants for everyone in the. The audience. That's probably what's going to happen.
36:58 - 37:02
Is that what's happening? No, no, no. I was performing, you know, those huts on the side of the road with all the backs in them.
37:02 - 37:07
So hang on. You've got to the hotel. It's a nicer hotel than the Ibis.
37:07 - 37:12
It's right next to the Ibis. And I think it's their sister hotel, the Novotel.
37:12 - 37:19
Right. OK. It's a jump up. Hey, Sam, do you know the deal? In Novotel, I'm sorry I know too much about three star hotels.
37:19 - 37:26
The loo is in a separate room always. Yeah. You've got the shower sink area, which is in.
37:26 - 37:34
It's some French thing. I think the Novotel is technically a French chain. But there's like a room just with the loo in it.
37:34 - 37:41
Like it's just a like a concrete cave that you just squat in. I find that a little bit.
37:41 - 37:45
Yeah. And they like to keep it separate at the Novotel. Why is that? What's the idea of that?
37:45 - 37:51
I think. Yeah. It sort of makes sense. Like thinking about what you're doing in these certain rooms to separate that.
37:51 - 37:56
I looked at a house to buy once where it was so open plan. The toilet was basically next to the bed.
37:56 - 38:00
And I thought that is too. You've gone too far there. Too close to comfort.
38:00 - 38:04
Okay. Right. So you're happy in your Novotel. Do you unpack the chest? Do you unpack the chest?
38:04 - 38:14
The chest stays closed. The chest stays clamped up. Now for me, when I used to do standup comedy, this would be a thing because you've got a sound check coming up.
38:14 - 38:22
Okay. Because any show that has technical bits in it, you're going to have to get to the theater five, 6pm around then.
38:22 - 38:26
You got a sound check at five. Which gives you never quite enough time when you go to the theater.
38:26 - 38:33
You check in to the Novotel. So do you pop the TV on? Did you watch or did you continue to read The Beasting?
38:33 - 38:38
No, no TV. We dine. We go to a place called Glassy Central. Ah, okay.
38:38 - 38:42
And it's a big sign on the wall that says, it's a lifestyle. It is.
38:42 - 38:50
It is a lifestyle. This is a really interesting Indian restaurant. And was it good, interesting?
38:50 - 38:55
I thought it was good. I thought it was good. The decor was really, I mean, it was decadent.
38:55 - 38:58
It's a weird time. It's a weird time to eat, though. Yeah, it was a weird time.
38:58 - 39:08
Like, we're at 3.30, it's 4, it's something like that. Yeah, it's around 3. It's post-lunch rush. So I'd say you're sitting in that decor on your own.
39:08 - 39:15
Oh, there's not many other diners, no. So are you also trying to choose a meal that will get you through the whole gig then?
39:15 - 39:19
Because it's unlikely you're going to eat pre-show. I drank two mango lassies. What does that tell you?
39:19 - 39:27
Oh, wow. A curry before a performance, I would suggest is a risk. Just, you know, as soon as I had a cup of coffee, I just want to go to bed.
39:27 - 39:30
Yeah, I've never really subscribed. There's some people who can't eat before they go on.
39:30 - 39:36
I can eat a full Italian dinner. I can really. Great. I just eat. You've seen me eat.
39:36 - 39:41
It's not pretty, is it, David? Yeah, it's funny because you maintain this tiny stick figure.
39:41 - 39:48
And yet, whenever I glance at you, you're just pouring more and more fuel into your face.
39:48 - 39:53
You know, one day he'll wake up and he'll be fucking massive. He'll be a relief to the rest of us.
39:53 - 40:00
I'll be a big bloke who knows how to throw himself around. He's a big lad who knows how to throw himself about.
40:00 - 40:07
What do you have in the restaurant? Yeah, good question. I think I have sort of a tikka masala and a lovely saffron rice.
40:07 - 40:12
Oh, that's nice. It was good. Yeah. And we just had it. I've made some adjustments on my PowerPoint for the show.
40:12 - 40:23
Oh, during the meal. Sometimes I feel that's a little bit disrespectful. You can do it in a crappy place, but in a fine dining situation where they've put a tablecloth down,
40:23 - 40:33
sometimes I feel like, taking out the laptop, it's a bit gauche. Yeah, I think maybe they thought I was a detective because I was downloading pictures of people from the show Tag It.
40:33 - 40:44
Listen, I'm not a detective, but I'm not sure that's what detectives do. He's making a detective vision board over here.
40:44 - 40:51
Oh, I see. I can't, I'm not getting anywhere with this murder. Let's watch Vera and see if that'll help us.
40:51 - 40:56
We'll get a breakthrough. You never know when you talk to a waiter what will sort of open them up.
40:56 - 41:01
Like we said, what time do you guys close? And he really liked that. He goes, 10.30, it's bye-bye.
41:01 - 41:06
And I don't know, you know, something just unlocks someone. You just say something to someone and they go, okay.
41:06 - 41:19
And suddenly it's happening. Yeah, but that's a classic tactic. As in with a taxi driver, very often your question is, you sort of try to engage with them on the, oh God,
41:19 - 41:24
what time you on until tonight? You know what I mean? You're not like, tell me about your best passengers.
41:24 - 41:29
Am I in your top 10 passengers? The day you'd never say something like that. That'd be weird.
41:29 - 41:43
I always say, you know, do you get spewers? Who spews? I'm always amazed that when you do go, you know, have you just started or when do you knock off that they can be bothered to answer these questions that they're really engaged with it.
41:43 - 41:52
Like they're really engaged in like the, the art of being a taxi driver. And I'd be like, I might find out about what the person in the back is doing because I do this all the time.
41:52 - 42:01
I'm bored of talking about when I'm going to go home, but always, they are super engaged in like, you know, like the, how Uber has ruined taxis.
42:01 - 42:08
And then now, and if you're in an Uber, how Uber has ruined Uber, like these are real minefields for conversation.
42:08 - 42:13
Yeah. I mean, it's maybe it's something I'm going to start doing on podcasts when I go on other podcasts.
42:13 - 42:18
Now it'll be like, how long have you been podcasting? How many podcasts have you done today?
42:18 - 42:25
Well, I have, I print out like conversation starters from the internet and I say, do you prefer break dancing or belly dancing?
42:25 - 42:37
So I just, I quite often do this. If you're at, and I'm not often now because I used to go to sort of like those football charity dinners, but I just can't face them.
42:37 - 42:44
And I'm obviously I'm in Australia most of the time they don't happen. But if you're sitting there, someone you don't know, or like a wedding and you don't know them,
42:44 - 42:47
instead of just going through the small talk, you just say, right, what's your whole life story?
42:47 - 42:53
Start at the beginning because people like talking about themselves. They're going to go right back to the start.
42:53 - 42:56
You'll find out pretty soon if they're like this, they're into, if they're into it, or not.
42:56 - 43:00
You know, some people just say, tell your life story. They go, yeah, I went to Loughborough university.
43:00 - 43:04
I work in accounts. You're like, well, come on. That's, that is not, that's not it.
43:04 - 43:08
Then you can turn the other way and go, right, come on. Someone give me the life story.
43:08 - 43:17
I have quite a thorough Wikipedia page that I have never had hand act nor part in, but people have added information to it over time.
43:17 - 43:25
You keep deleting that controversies section. Maybe Max, I could get around that by just printing it out.
43:26 - 43:35
And just giving them like a C through a crystal. I thought that when I was, you know, my backpacking years, I thought it'd be really good to just have a laminate with your a level results.
43:35 - 43:43
And you know, like where you went to university things you liked, you could just be like where you've been, where you're off to.
43:43 - 43:48
Have you been to Chichen Itza? Have you been to, you know, anchor what, whatever there is.
43:48 - 43:53
I've done the Inca trail. There you go. The other year, I couldn't remember how old I was on my birthday.
43:53 - 43:57
And I, and I thought I was 42 and I checked, Wikipedia and actually I was 43.
43:57 - 44:03
And that was really. What? Yeah. You couldn't remember how old you were? No. Genuinely?
44:03 - 44:07
Yeah. And so I lost a year through Wikipedia. Maybe these Incans put a curse on you.
44:07 - 44:15
It's possible. It's every, every chance. It was a fallow time for the Incans. They had time on their hands and they were like, why not?
44:15 - 44:19
Hang on. We, we finished the curry. Yeah. Yeah. So we had something to eat, which was good.
44:19 - 44:23
Sometimes you don't, yeah, you don't get to eat the travel. Like the turnarounds are too tight.
44:23 - 44:28
The sound check. And I just say, it was a dream. Yeah. Great. These guys were so perfect.
44:28 - 44:34
They were amazing. They'd set up the screen. Sometimes you get in and they're still sort of building the screen and you go, Oh no, the screen's not built.
44:34 - 44:37
And then you've got like five minutes at the very end to run all the cues.
44:37 - 44:45
But these guys were such pros. Huge shout out to these guys, Gordon, Dara, Rod, Ryan, and all the ushers.
44:45 - 44:51
It's quite a complex show. It's got quite a few bits to it. So how long does that sound check take?
44:51 - 44:58
It was maybe, it was less than an hour. Okay, great. So now we're up to about six, your show starts at eight, I would presume.
44:58 - 45:06
So do you decide to stay in the venue? This is a tricky point here because sometimes you can make it back to the hotel, but for what?
45:06 - 45:11
Just to have a shower, maybe change your socks or whatever. And it's raining. It's, it's pouring out there.
45:11 - 45:19
Oh no, Glasgow. Yeah. So we're going to stay in. And what do you do in that bit of time in the theater?
45:19 - 45:25
I draw pictures on my iPad. Yeah. My two year old does that first thing in the morning.
45:25 - 45:30
Now, here's the issue. You're going to have to perform in these clothes that you've been wearing.
45:30 - 45:39
I did three costume changes. Whoa. No, you don't in your show. In Dublin, we had the waitress bag with all the costumes.
45:39 - 45:45
We forgot to bring it to Dublin. So I didn't see the costume. How do you possibly, because I have a joke.
45:45 - 45:52
Sometimes I'll undo my shirt at the top of the second half as I walk out and throw it on the ground and say, costume change.
45:52 - 45:55
I've seen you do that. It makes me feel like I've eaten a thousand oysters.
45:56 - 46:04
That gets me going when you do that, David. When videos play, when I play videos in the show, I quickly run off and change outfits.
46:04 - 46:09
Have you showered by the time we're waiting for the show to start? Yeah, that's a good question, Max.
46:09 - 46:14
I actually, I actually missed something. After we went to the glassy central, I had a bath at the hotel.
46:14 - 46:21
Oh, right. Yeah. All right. I did. I'm a bath guy. It's a fellow bath guy right here.
46:21 - 46:30
I love him. They can't get you in the bath. Some people consider it to be a disgusting, disgusting exercise in wallowing in your own milkshake.
46:30 - 46:36
That depends. If you're like bathing once a week, that's true. But if you're bathing a few times a day, you'll be extremely clean.
46:36 - 46:42
And does the tour manager get in as well? No, no. He's, he's got his own separate quarters.
46:42 - 46:47
Okay. Yeah. He's tending to the chest. Yeah. He's in the tiny bathroom on his own.
46:47 - 46:54
He's got a lot of jobs. He's got to buy the breakfast cereal. He's got to make the, well, we've got this egg contraption.
46:54 - 46:58
There's a few contraptions. So he's a busy, busy guy. In the show. These contraptions are in the show.
46:58 - 47:03
Yeah. That's interesting. Cause I originally, when you had like a chaperone, I was like, that's a little bit big time.
47:03 - 47:09
It turns out he's really important. Oh yeah. He's got a lot to do. This is a show that sounds, you know, it's more than just standing there.
47:09 - 47:12
Oh, he appears in the show as well. He's got a role. A pivotal role.
47:12 - 47:18
Right. I understand. When you're lying in the bath, how long does it take before you start swishing back and forth?
47:18 - 47:24
Well, I'm face down. You know that Max, you know that about me. No, I'm not really a swisher.
47:24 - 47:30
I think sometimes I, maybe I'm a bit of a sicko and a sadist. I try, I think I try and get it pretty hot.
47:30 - 47:39
As a fellow hot bath lover, a HBL. So what I do, so I set it, I put in way too much hot water.
47:39 - 47:42
It's too hot. Then I have to put in cold water to make it bearable.
47:42 - 47:54
I then acclimatize my feet effectively to be able to stand in it. There's then this weird moment where I'm just standing fully upright, naked in the bath.
47:54 - 48:03
And then slowly I start to lower the David O'Doherty torso down. Bang. My bum hits, my balls hit.
48:03 - 48:11
And I try and get to my knees. Like I'm praying to our savior. And then you go under the water and scream.
48:11 - 48:19
No, no, because I'm kneeling. So the big change then is, so there's a point where I'm like, Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh.
48:19 - 48:25
Like you really ask yourself, am I enjoying this? So you go, you kneel. And then, go back.
48:25 - 48:34
As opposed to just lowering yourself. Yeah. I kneel. And then there's a point at which it's time to pop those little levers out long ways.
48:34 - 48:40
And then I swoosh back. Tell me the sequence by which you get into the bath, Sam.
48:40 - 48:47
Mine is, I think quite similar. I'm definitely standing, questioning everything, looking around, thinking what's going on here.
48:47 - 48:51
And then I, but I think, yeah, I go backwards and I go almost into a ball.
48:51 - 48:58
And then I, I'm sure. The reverse, the woodlouse. It's a very common way of getting into a bath.
48:58 - 49:05
I think I do the RWD. I think I do the reverse woodlouse. How long were you in the bath?
49:05 - 49:11
Oh, how long was I? I was in there. Ooh, I'd say 20 minutes. Is that crazy?
49:11 - 49:15
No, it's fine. I think it was 20 minutes. Yeah, I was on schedule. I had to be at the sound check.
49:15 - 49:22
Just an important health warning for the listeners. The only time I've ever fainted was once getting up out of a very hot bath.
49:22 - 49:29
This is probably 15, 15 years ago. And I stood up, but I must've stood up too quickly or something.
49:29 - 49:38
And the first I know that I fainted is my head conks on the wooden floor of the bathroom straight down.
49:38 - 49:44
Doink. So it's just something that everyone needs to be careful with. If you get out of a bath too quickly.
49:44 - 49:49
Well, that's why you should never bathe alone. And that's why I had my carer, Gretchen, supervising me.
49:49 - 49:55
Okay. So you've drawn some pictures on the iPad. We're now, it's sort of showtime now.
49:55 - 50:01
So yeah, showtime. There's a pit. There's like a big orchestra pit in front of the stage.
50:01 - 50:09
Yes. And I sometimes fall, I don't really fall off. I get close to the lip of the stage and I was afraid that I would fall in the pit.
50:09 - 50:21
In the soundcheck. This is. No, this is the show. The show has begun. Well, some of these old Victorian theaters, they actually have quite a steep rake on the stage to create the illusion of depth for the audience.
50:21 - 50:32
I just think people who aren't performers, Sam, like Max, don't realize the danger. We take our life into our own hands going onto these steep, steep stages.
50:32 - 50:38
You come and you see the show, you go, oh, that was all right. You don't know anything about the incline that we're forced to perform on.
50:38 - 50:51
Well, those goats that are up there and. If Max were to spend five seconds looking into those bright stage lights that we are in a crust, his eyeballs would burst into flames.
50:51 - 50:58
They absolutely would. They'd fall out. They'd bounce away. It's like, you forget, you forget the Guardian Football Weekly World Tour, David.
50:58 - 51:03
Oh, yeah. You know, Max has played a lot of these theaters. It's okay. Yeah, I don't know.
51:03 - 51:07
I don't know. We went to one and I said to David in Dublin, we played Liberty Hall.
51:07 - 51:11
It's very nice. And said, do you want to go for a pint afterwards? He was like, sure.
51:11 - 51:16
But I hadn't told David that we'd invited the entire audience to this tiny pub.
51:16 - 51:21
And obviously they all know who David, you know, they're quite pleased to see us, but they're quite pleased to see David.
51:21 - 51:25
And David had obviously not performed that night. He'd just gone for a quiet, quiet pint at 10 p.m.
51:25 - 51:33
And there were 500 very drunk men. Yeah. Very excited to see him. And he dealt with it perfectly.
51:33 - 51:36
I was in a lot of photos, but they don't know that I'm a vampire.
51:36 - 51:41
So I don't come out in the photos. No one loves their fans more than our David.
51:41 - 51:45
Yeah. This is not about me. Stop trying to make this about me. How was the show?
51:45 - 51:49
Good? Happy with it? I thought it was a good one last night. It's a great show.
51:49 - 51:54
I enjoyed it. Yeah. I thought I was on. I thought I was, uh, uh, the crowd were a lot.
51:54 - 52:00
And I thought that, uh, it had a good flow. Yeah. Great. So, um, can I just one technical question?
52:00 - 52:05
It's a two half show max that Sam's doing. What do you do at halftime?
52:05 - 52:13
Draw more pictures. Oh yeah. I do draw on the iPad halftime. I pace. I think about what I'm going to do in the second half.
52:13 - 52:16
I looked at all the posters on the wall of different shows, sign the guest book.
52:16 - 52:21
This lady wanted me to sign something for her son cause he couldn't make it.
52:21 - 52:26
So I drew a creature. What did I say? I said, Oh, this animal is not extinct, but it will be if you don't give me a hundred pounds.
52:26 - 52:33
And she goes, Oh, could you do another one? So she, she didn't like that.
52:33 - 52:40
It happens all the time. Whenever I meet someone or someone will want a photo or something, and then I'll talk to them for a minute and they cannot wait to get away.
52:40 - 52:47
Okay. Sam, my question is, I'm going to give you some Scottish references and tell me how they went down.
52:47 - 52:51
Squinty bridge. How did that go down? I loved the squinty stuff. The squinty stuff was a big hit.
52:51 - 52:55
Okay. Taggart. Taggart. Yeah. For the older, the older generation. That was a big hit.
52:55 - 53:00
That's the problem. I think people have forgotten about tigers. What about the paint makers?
53:00 - 53:04
Slab boys didn't land. I don't think that's a thing. I don't think that's. Really?
53:04 - 53:08
Yeah. No one liked the slab boys stuff. No one, no one understood what I was going on about.
53:08 - 53:15
Okay. So you're off stage at what? Nine 30? 10. Yeah. A bit closer to 10. Yeah. Okay.
53:15 - 53:17
And do you talk to the people afterwards or do you get out of there?
53:17 - 53:22
Yeah. Some of these people wait outside the door to beat you and to give you strange bracelets.
53:22 - 53:27
Great. How many did you get? They're bracelets with your name on them. So I don't know why you would want.
53:27 - 53:32
These people are going to, if they bothered standing outside the stage door, they're definitely going to listen.
53:32 - 53:39
Thank you for the bracelets with my own name on them. Fantastic. What's the best gift you've got on the tour?
53:39 - 53:45
A lady gave me a book of Cornish horror stories that I had to stop reading because I was getting scared.
53:45 - 53:51
Wow. And then you meet all these people who've waited outside to meet you. And then I go, Oh, and would you want me to sign something?
53:51 - 53:56
And then the lady goes, Oh no, I just left my wallet inside. So could you get it for me?
53:56 - 54:02
She thought the cue was that what lost and found. So you get humbled at every turn in this, in this industry.
54:02 - 54:10
So I didn't, I didn't fall into the pit. I survived the show. Yeah. Cause I pogo stick at the end of, I have like the microphones attached to a pogo stick.
54:10 - 54:15
So I was kind of scared that I'd go in the pit then. And it got pretty close, but I said, Oh yeah.
54:15 - 54:22
You pogo off at the end. I was once with the flight of the Concords in one of the great European capitals.
54:22 - 54:33
I can't remember. But it was one with a giant cathedral. And this woman went up to Brett as she was with her boyfriend and said, Oh, a photo.
54:33 - 54:38
Like it wouldn't happen that often in the, in the non-English speaking European capitals, but she's like photo.
54:38 - 54:45
And Brett's like, yeah, yeah, sure, sure. So Brett just puts his arm around the boyfriend and stands there.
54:45 - 54:50
And she, yeah, she wanted him to take a photo of her and her boyfriend outside.
54:50 - 54:57
Really good. If it's happening to them, it can happen to everyone. Hubris, always ready to give you a little smack.
54:57 - 55:03
Has this mysterious tour manager booked you an after party, like a bunch of tables in a cool nightclub or something like that?
55:03 - 55:07
Or are you just going to go back to the Novotel? No, no. We went to a place called Slouch.
55:07 - 55:12
Was it a bar? Yeah, this is a trendy new bar. Okay. What did you do?
55:12 - 55:17
Did you have a beer? There was a guitar player. We actually ate again. Oh, good.
55:17 - 55:23
I like to have eight or nine meals. What was the guitar player playing? I don't know if they were originals.
55:23 - 55:28
He had it turned up too loud. It was too loud. Oh, they do that sometimes, the old guitar player.
55:28 - 55:34
And it was too emotional. Music shouldn't be emotional. I might get in trouble for saying this, but it's like, he's like almost crying.
55:34 - 55:37
He's like, and then you looked at me and it's like, isn't that a bit personal?
55:37 - 55:44
You just want music strictly at admin based music. Yeah. Stuff about the Monday, stuff about like, you know, the perfect.
55:44 - 55:54
What you did yesterday. The perfect invoice template. I just think you should, there needs to be some kind of like, hey, do you mind if I spill, all by us all?
55:54 - 56:00
And you go, oh, I'm not really, I don't know. Yeah. Not while you're eating, certainly.
56:00 - 56:04
So what sort of food did you have in this place? I mean, this has turned into off menu.
56:04 - 56:09
This is the problem of getting Campbell on. He's eaten all the time. So it just turns into bloody food.
56:09 - 56:12
That's quite successful. If we can, we can like hang up their coattails. Totally fine.
56:12 - 56:18
No, we're not hanging, Bax, that's loser way of thinking. Do I have to give you another one of my pep talks?
56:18 - 56:26
My inspirational business pep talks. Yeah. How much do you reckon you spent yesterday? Oh, um, maybe 40 pounds.
56:26 - 56:31
Okay. That's pretty good. Yeah. But you're on tour. So the tour manager, he's running around after you.
56:31 - 56:35
You just point at various vases and things you want. And you're like six of those.
56:35 - 56:45
And he puts them in the chest. I want a golden goose. What are we eating in slouch?
56:45 - 56:53
Just some fries, just some French fries. Just chatting, setting the world. And, um, there was some people who had been in the front row of the show and they were in a booth.
56:53 - 56:57
I crept up on their booth and I scared them. I went, Oh, that's good.
56:57 - 57:03
Yeah. Did they like that? They thought the nightmare was over. They go, we're out of there.
57:03 - 57:14
And then suddenly I appear in their booth. Classic Campbell to turn it around. Cause very often it's Max, you'll know this from the guardian football live tour.
57:14 - 57:27
It can be awkward to meet people who are at the gig afterwards. Cause you know, sometimes they'll take photos of you at the moment where you're just lifting the food into your mouth and your mouth is open and you've popped
57:27 - 57:34
your little tongue out a few centimeters just to make sure all of the Joe Frazee goes into your face.
57:34 - 57:38
And also post football weekly. We're all, you know, it's football, so it's, it's full banter.
57:38 - 57:42
So we're all just tops, no bottoms. And we don't want that. I don't know what you mean.
57:42 - 57:46
Little tongue. I've seen this guy. He's got the longest liquor I've seen this financial year.
57:46 - 57:52
It's true. This guy's got a long tongue. So you're in slouch. You've done the booth.
57:52 - 57:56
That's gone down. Well, it's like a second show, like a mini, like a, you know, that's great.
57:56 - 58:07
That was the whole show though. I startled them. And then people who had been to see the killers at the hydro arena all started to spill in all the killers.
58:07 - 58:12
Very different. Yeah. Very different shows. Yeah. Yeah. I wouldn't go to see the killers.
58:12 - 58:16
I don't want to be rude about it. I saw them. I was backstage at live eight.
58:16 - 58:23
If you remember live eight. Wow. What are we talking? 20. It was Tony Blair. So like 2006.
58:23 - 58:33
Something like that. I don't know. And so I would watch all these performers and you always, you know, my, my music knowledge and then run backstage and then interview Snoop Dogg.
58:33 - 58:37
I didn't have a lot. I've never heard a pause between the Snoop and Dogg that long.
58:37 - 58:42
That's how he asked me to say it. He said, everyone gets it wrong. Everyone gets it wrong.
58:42 - 58:51
Finally, I've found someone on my level. He said in the time between you saying Snoop and Dogg, Snoop and that one Mississippi.
58:53 - 58:57
But I think the killers were there. So, you know, they did put on a good show.
58:57 - 59:09
I saw a bit of them at a festival a few years ago that I was performing in the comedy tent of, and it struck me that they were doing like, they basically just do the same songs
59:09 - 59:15
from the album that was big in 2005, but they found a way of doing those songs much longer.
59:15 - 59:22
Really good idea. Like with bits where the band all stopped playing except the drummer doing the dunk, dunk, dunk.
59:23 - 59:35
Gets everyone to clap like that. I've got soul, but I'm Mr. Brightside. There was a lot of this sort of chat going on just to string it out to an hour and 15 minutes.
59:35 - 59:39
I don't know. You don't get away with that in comedy. No, no, it's fine.
59:39 - 59:43
Or you could try it. You could say, I'm going to do one of my songs three times as long.
59:43 - 59:52
Everyone do this. Let's see how long. They would hate that in comedy. If I were to do my song about finding dead mice in the water tank.
59:53 - 59:58
Just make it a six minute song. I don't have a two minute guitar solo and just see what happens.
59:58 - 1:00:05
You could do the perspective of the mouse. You could be like, I was just a mouse living in the tank.
1:00:05 - 1:00:10
Right. So have we left Slouch now? We're on the way home. Yeah, we leave Slouch.
1:00:10 - 1:00:15
It's a hip venue. They're all sort of freaks. We go back to the Novotel.
1:00:15 - 1:00:22
I sort of crack open the bee sting. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Just you're in bed.
1:00:22 - 1:00:26
You're in bed with the bee sting. Yeah, in bed. My hotel room has two beds for some reason.
1:00:26 - 1:00:31
So, you know, that's a bit of a Sophie's choice. Which bed am I going to sleep in?
1:00:31 - 1:00:40
In case you get lucky with an elderly person. Yes. Want to come back and sleep in a bed close to mine.
1:00:40 - 1:00:46
So what time do you go to sleep? What time do you fall asleep? I was in bed before midnight.
1:00:46 - 1:00:52
Okay. Yeah. I knew I had to record tomorrow, so I knew I needed to be fresh and I knew I needed to be sharp.
1:00:53 - 1:00:58
Yeah. With this kind of, you know, this is, it doesn't get, you don't get grilled more than this.
1:00:58 - 1:01:06
Safe hands, dangerous mind. Yeah. So you are still, you're still in the Novotel right now.
1:01:06 - 1:01:10
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm in the bathroom. We don't care about now. I know we don't.
1:01:10 - 1:01:14
I just feel it's a nice that it brings the whole thing round. I've actually gone past the time, like the checkout time.
1:01:14 - 1:01:20
I've gone past that time. Why did you choose, interestingly, the bathroom to record? There's construction work.
1:01:20 - 1:01:26
There's like almost an arc. There's like a geological dig out there. Jesus Christ, these guys are noisy.
1:01:26 - 1:01:32
Anyway, you're asleep. This is, we've moved into today. You know, we're done. Sam, you've such a beautiful mind.
1:01:32 - 1:01:43
In order to get to sleep, like I understand using the novel to, you know, because that'll sometimes just droop those little Venetian blind eyelids down.
1:01:43 - 1:01:49
But do you need to put a podcast on after that in order to actually nod off?
1:01:49 - 1:01:55
How do you switch off all this ideas machine, these cogs that have been whirring?
1:01:55 - 1:02:04
Because that's the thing about a gig, because a gig raises your adrenaline and you're hyper aware and you're hyper able to make stuff up and your brain is spinning like a top.
1:02:04 - 1:02:09
How do you slow it down? I have various storylines that I return to, to go to sleep.
1:02:09 - 1:02:16
You think a story before going? Sort of, like different, almost like worlds. Like one is like a game, it's like a sport.
1:02:16 - 1:02:26
I don't think it's real. It's like almost like lacrosse, but they've got these like long wooden poles with just like almost want to be at the top of a wooden spoon and they toss a ball around.
1:02:26 - 1:02:30
And you think about that sport. And it's like a really big sport in the world, yeah.
1:02:30 - 1:02:38
And are you a competitor or a commentator on the sport? No, I'm sort of, I'm, yeah, like a sort of a distant observer, yeah.
1:02:38 - 1:02:47
Like I just imagine people playing this game in the different leagues and like, you know, one team's trying to qualify and it's like, it's boring, yeah.
1:02:47 - 1:02:52
You go into the stats, you know. Yeah, sort of like that. Mike Joukowsky's got seven points.
1:02:52 - 1:02:59
And it's like a team that haven't been doing well and suddenly like an old guy who people thought was past it suddenly goes really well.
1:02:59 - 1:03:08
This is basically the same thing that Max does in his football podcast, except with him it's a degree of reality, only some reality now.
1:03:08 - 1:03:22
And you have an entirely made-up Guardian football podcast. I have two ones. I have like sort of one that's almost like a medieval world where there's like a goblin called Glaude who is like, has to like sort of, a lot of things,
1:03:22 - 1:03:30
about people coming back from retirement. So he's a goblin warrior called Glaude and there's like this creature that's like living on someone's roof that he has to go and fight.
1:03:30 - 1:03:40
Just one more, just one more job. That kind of thing. Do you like, you've got three or four of these, do you lie down, close your eyes and select, go, I'm going to think of the invented sport.
1:03:40 - 1:03:46
Like an old-fashioned DVD menu. The worst streaming service in the world. Or does it just fall into your head?
1:03:46 - 1:03:49
You're lying there, your eyes are closed and you go into goblin world or you go into...
1:03:49 - 1:03:55
Do you want to watch boring sport, boring goblin world? Or, yeah, I guess I sort of just drift off.
1:03:55 - 1:04:03
And I often imagine the same things happening again and again. So it does progress and like people will have sons and things will happen, but it takes a long time for things to do.
1:04:03 - 1:04:11
Mate, I think you should write these down. Yeah, maybe because you're an Aussie, you grew up, your national medium of art is the soap opera.
1:04:11 - 1:04:21
So what you've essentially imagined is like Home and Away, but with goblins. Yeah. You know, we belong together.
1:04:22 - 1:04:31
That could be the theme music. I'm not super interested in the fantasy genre, and I just don't know much about it, but for some reason it helps me get to sleep.
1:04:31 - 1:04:36
Wow, that's amazing. I'm glad you asked that question, David, because I was like, you know, he's asleep now.
1:04:36 - 1:04:46
We can get on with our day. But that was a really, that's like the biggest takeaway, is thinking up the stats of an invented sport with long sticks and a wooden spoon.
1:04:46 - 1:04:51
Yeah. People, you know, people going mad on social media about it, everything, you know, it's like.
1:04:51 - 1:04:55
Well, it's got, and the people, people who film the games, it's like got really good technology for the slow-mo.
1:04:55 - 1:05:02
It's in 4K. It happens so quickly, but the slow-mo replay is so efficient. That's, yeah.
1:05:02 - 1:05:08
Wow. How much I imagine, yeah, guys with long sticks, sort of flicking it through their legs to score.
1:05:08 - 1:05:12
Yeah. And what's the goal like? Is it like a tiny goal or a big goal?
1:05:12 - 1:05:21
Is it like a net, like a basketball thing? It's raised off the ground. So it's like a football net if it was on like a small pole, like about a foot high.
1:05:21 - 1:05:26
And are people in like, kits, are they like sort of like normal football kits or are they like sort of medieval?
1:05:26 - 1:05:32
Yeah, similar to football kits, like shiny. And they're definitely wearing shorts, trust me. Right.
1:05:32 - 1:05:41
Okay. That's good. Yeah. Just since the golf money has come into the sport, I just feel the teams are able to buy all the best players.
1:05:41 - 1:05:50
You don't get the quality. There's barely any shocks in the sport anymore. They did try and bring in titanium sticks, but it's, yeah, it's not regulation.
1:05:50 - 1:05:55
Sam, thanks for coming on. Thanks. I hope that was okay. I hope that's sort of how people do it.
1:05:55 - 1:06:00
But yeah, that was my day. That's all we wanted. We've got everything. There's no blueprint for a day.
1:06:00 - 1:06:11
And in a way, what we're celebrating is the mundanity of life. Your day, however, has been the most exciting day, I think, that anyone has presented to us so far.
1:06:11 - 1:06:28
So. Oh, wow. Thanks for coming on, Sam Campbell. Thanks, Sam. Awesome. Sam Campbell there.
1:06:28 - 1:06:32
Two things from my point of view, David, that I think are important from Sam's episode.
1:06:32 - 1:06:39
One is how the man gets himself to sleep. Ah, that's my takeaway. That's my takeaway from this.
1:06:39 - 1:06:47
Forget the rest of it. I like that his attitude to having a gig is, it's just another part of the day, standing up in front of thousands of people.
1:06:47 - 1:06:58
Forget about that. But to go to sleep with a made-up, Sport. With stats. That sport probably has podcasts.
1:06:58 - 1:07:14
Like, that's how deep it gets. And the other thing is, if anyone else listening, every time they walk in their front door, or every time they leave their house, has to make a choice about whether to play shuffleboard with an old man.
1:07:14 - 1:07:24
I think that's absolutely glorious. The fact that he has to think about that every time he leaves the house, I enjoyed that bit.
1:07:24 - 1:07:32
Getting up as well, and just immediately to be, you know, there is a running theme in these episodes of people struggling with phones, etc.
1:07:32 - 1:07:39
But to just get up and immediately decide you're going to greet the dawn. I think there's something very pure in that, too.
1:07:39 - 1:07:46
Like, Sam, in many ways, is one of the most innovative new comedians, but he's also just like an old guy.
1:07:46 - 1:07:56
He's like a medieval serf or something who's been around. He knows what's up. Anyway, if you want to get in touch with the pod, we love your emails.
1:07:56 - 1:08:03
We need a few more of them so we can have an extra separate episode which gets us closer to buying golden houses.
1:08:03 - 1:08:14
So the more emails we get, the more chance we have of getting so successful that we change as people and we forget who we are.
1:08:14 - 1:08:23
Yeah, I don't think you needed to say any of that. Okay, let's just leave it in, but just with my little little footnote.
1:08:23 - 1:08:29
I feel you could say that about many of the things that I say on this podcast.
1:08:29 - 1:08:42
Anyway, I'm going to change my social media strategy. The videos aren't working. Now I'm posting a picture of clearly some time that wasn't yesterday, probably a decade ago, and saying this was me yesterday.
1:08:42 - 1:08:48
Listen to the pod. So I'll see if that does better numbers. You know, me hugging the Go Compare man on Soccer AM or something.
1:08:48 - 1:08:54
I think that could really help us. But thank you, David. And should we do it again next week?
1:08:54 - 1:09:00
We should. We are. We're committed to life. For life. Every week for the rest of our days.
1:09:00 - 1:09:15
Thank you very much, Max.