EP9: Jen Brister

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Podcasts, there are millions of them. Some might say too many. I have one already.

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I don't have any because there are enough. Politics, business, sport, you name it, there's a podcast about it.

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And they all ask the big questions and cover the hot topics of the day.

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But nobody is covering the most important topic of all. Why is that? Are they scared?

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Too afraid of being censored by the man? Possibly, but not us. We're here to ask the only question that matters.

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We try and say it at the same time, Max. What did you do yesterday?

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What did you do yesterday? That's it. All we're interested in is what the guests got up to yesterday.

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Nothing more. Day before yesterday, Max? Nope. The greatest and most interesting day of your life?

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Unless it was yesterday, we don't want to know about it. I'm Max Rushden. And I'm David O'Doherty.

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Welcome to What Did You Do Yesterday? Hello and welcome to episode... Is this nine, David? Is it episode nine?

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I think this might be episode ten. Is that possible? The decade. I don't think it's the decade because it wasn't Rose the full week.

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This is a low-energy start, Max. This is our worst ever start to one of these.

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It's episode nine. It's episode nine. It may be the worst start, but we can't start again.

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That in many ways would admit defeat. A defeat that I'm not willing to accept.

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Our listeners... They love this podcast. Unless this is the first one they're listening to, I hope you like it.

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Normally, the way we begin is absolutely seamless. If this is the first time you've ever come to this podcast, this is not the level you should expect.

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Expect better than this. In many ways, it's good to have your expectations set low.

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Do you want some feedback, David? Let me just say, it's very nice to be here, Max.

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I do. I just feel it would be a nice thing to say, even though we're nine hours into...

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Well, my podcasting career with you and your podcasting career with me, it's still something I very much look forward to.

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Yeah, I'm having a nice time. Having established a bit of niceness, you're now going to read some horrific feedback.

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No, I'm not, actually. And I did message you because I listened back to the Sam Campbell episode because you and producer Michael seemed to look down on me on the fact that I don't want to listen to these once I've done them because I've done them.

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I was there. But I did listen to that, Sam. The description of the two of you talking about how you lower yourself into the bath was so funny.

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I've got a lot of, there's a lot of bath haters out there who see it as, I think, an unnecessary decadence.

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They think that it doesn't really clean you as well. It's kind of gross. I was very happy to speak with another bath lover, Sam Campbell.

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It's not like Marmite, love or hate it. It's just, I'm actually quite agnostic about the bath.

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You know? Anyway, one interesting thing about this podcast is obviously people talk about things you think, well, that will resonate with a lot of people.

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And there are some things you think, well, that's mad and that won't resonate with anyone.

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But we got this email from Kunal who says, Hi, Max and David. Sam Campbell's revelation that he sometimes gets himself to sleep by thinking about an imaginary sport struck a chord with me.

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What? For many years as a child, I kept mental and sometimes written records of the Football League of the Republic of Sonoa, an imaginary English-speaking European island nation.

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When daydreaming about the Sonovan League, I would adopt the perspective of the narrator of a season highlights video.

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I stopped envisaging new league seasons when I was in my teens. But well into adulthood, while trying to fall asleep, my mind sometimes wanders into attempts to remember trivia about my imagined league.

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Oh, my goodness. This is great. For example, I try to recall the order of the penalty takers in the first and only European final that a Sonovan team has competed in,

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when Sarsens beat Bayern Munich in the Cup Winners' Cup, in case you were wondering.

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Or I reminisce about various rivalries among the small provincial clubs of northern Sonoa. Cheers.

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Love the show from Kuno. Please forward that to Sam, because I think it will make him feel, not that I thought he didn't, he was totally cool with the way he got himself to sleep.

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But if he ever wondered that he was alone, he's not alone. That is, it's a lovely idea.

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That's beautiful. This is also lovely, and this is from Lily. I'd been listening to to try and distract myself.

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It turns out I was about to start the Susie Ruffell episode, and as soon as I heard your voices, I could feel myself start to relax.

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My heart stopped racing. I'll be ordering Susie's book as soon as I can. I hope one day I can have a day like hers, living with my wife and child and feeling comfortable in the everyday without feeling that I'm in a constant battle with my anxiety.

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I know this all probably sounds a bit dramatic, but from one 20-year-old girl, thank you.

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I hope you continue doing this forever, and I hope that one day we get to listen to both of you share what you did yesterday with all my love from yesterday,

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today, and tomorrow, Lily. So, I mean, that's a lovely message from Lily, isn't it?

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Oh, yeah. Well, we can't tell Lily what we did yesterday because our lives are so exciting.

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You know the room that's like skydiving, where the air shoots up from the bottom?

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That's basically my life, but for everything. So, Lily, yeah, I couldn't possibly do that.

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Once I was trying to insure my 1,000-pound Renault Clio, and the insurers said it would cost 4,000 pounds, and they used the example that I would regularly be driving footballers like Rio Ferdinand around.

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And I was like, no, I'm not. It's not fair. You can't try and four times the value because my life is – that's not what my life is.

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But actually, actually, it is what my life is like. And then a day has gone by when an elite sports person hasn't got into my Subaru.

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Just this morning, I gave Fatima Whitbread a lift to Safeway. This is from Bren.

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He says, hi, gents. We're now up to episode eight. I'm beginning to think the Nish Kumar episode doesn't exist.

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No teaser clips, no word from Nish himself. Just both of you every week conveniently dropping his name all the time saying the Nish episode is definitely coming and it never does.

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You're the podcast equivalent of the Fyre Festival, promising us the comedy equivalent of Blink-182 and Major Lazer.

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And all we have so far is a dry cheese sandwich and third-degree sunburn. My lawyers will be in touch.

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Well, Sam Campbell would love to be described as a dry cheese sandwich. But I think the Nish, it is coming, but they've had to kind of like that last Beatles single with the voice of John Lennon.

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I think some of it is so controversial. They've had to AI certain bits out of it.

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So it's in the hands of the boffins. Max, my only bit of feedback this week, because I don't go into the choppy waters of the general public.

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No, no. I did get an email from my agent who listened to it. And she said, can you please stop saying that you used to do stand-up comedy, but now you're a billionaire podcaster?

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And she wanted me to remind you that I'm going on tour in the UK in the new year.

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Tickets are on my website. Is she worried that people are going to stop booking you?

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Because they're just like, he's not going to be interested. There's no point. There's no point asking David.

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He doesn't want to do comedy anymore. I've become a slashy, you know, where I'm a slash podcaster.

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And I think she wants to get to the pre-slash era. Right. Well, if I have a message for David's agent, which is stop contacting him.

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He's not interested anymore. Leave him alone. All right. Finally, Notionally Adequate says this podcast is marginally less tedious than some similar ones of the genre.

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And all the better for it. I've listened to all seven episodes so far. I can report each of them brought me an hour or so closer to death without major incidents.

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Unlike Instagram. She's right. They can't argue with that. At the end of this episode, you will be an hour closer to death.

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And it's almost certainly nothing will have happened to you. So that's what we can hope for, I think.

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With that in mind, Max, I am intrigued. What are people doing while they listen to this?

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Yeah, that's nice. We've had some people walking. We've had some people just sit in of an evening.

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Some people have it put on vinyl and just so you get the crackle, the crackle of the podcast as you drop the needle and make it true.

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Some people rent out one of those sort of hipster cinemas, like Screen on the Green, one of those sofa ones.

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They order a bottle of Pinot Grigio and they hand their phone to the cinema operator and he puts it on in Dolby.

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He goes, Dolby. And they're really our favourite listeners. Now our guest this week is the excellent Jen Brister, a comedian with like a billion Instagram followers because her jokes are so good, especially the one about dinner is for dinner.

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I've watched that so many times. Live at the Apollo, Frankie Boyle's New World Order.

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She's done a TED Talk. That is more impressive than, well, I was about to criticise the rest of our guests.

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But, you know, that's good, a TED Talk. She's written a best-selling book, The Other Mother.

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You can find details on all of the above news about her future tour dates at jenbrister.co.uk.

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And here she is. Hi, Jen Brister. I'm Max. Nice to meet you. Hello, Max.

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Lovely to meet you. Would you describe yesterday as a normal day for you? It didn't feel particularly out of the ordinary, although some extraordinary things did happen.

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Oh, wow. Wow, what a tease. We need to get this in chronological order. So what time does it begin at?

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It begins at a lie-in of 8am. Wow, we've very different definitions of these things.

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Well, I've got young children and a partner who doesn't believe in lions. So 8 o'clock it is.

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To be fair, I probably didn't get out of bed until about quarter past eight, but I slept in until 8am.

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That is extraordinary. I have a two-year-old who wakes up at 5.30 every morning. So I dream, I dream of 8 o'clock.

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I have 19 bikes and you can leave them be. You don't have to get up for them at all.

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I don't mind. That's a good point. Why have you got 19 bikes? Surely you just need one.

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Jen, this is not what this podcast is about. That is a separate podcast called Why Do I Have 19 Bikes?

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But why do you? That will be running in the future. Okay. What was the first noise you made, Jen?

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Probably like, I'm coming down now. I'm coming down. Okay, that's good. Does that mean that the children and your partner were already downstairs and you'd been allowed to?

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Actually, no. What happens is my children, come in, probably the first thing I said is, I love you, bub, because my son will have come into bed with me.

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Both of them, they come in separately. They'll come in for a cuddle before they go downstairs.

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It's usually about 7 a.m. Well, that is beautiful. We have a cuddle and then he'll say, I love you, mama.

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And I'll say, I love you, bub. And then off they go. I mean, already this is very different to Nish Kumar's one, which opened with him.

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I way prefer this as a start. This is a better start to the day, isn't it?

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It's so nice. I would imagine that wakes you. I mean, the snooze buttons, et cetera.

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But someone coming in like that, who you love, just verbalising that, you're not going to go back to sleep after that.

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Well, sometimes I can, actually. Sometimes I'm almost mid-sleep, as I say it. Like they come in and they have a snug and then I'm like, OK.

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Right, so you're woken at 7. Your children have gone downstairs. So you've got this hour of sort of floating.

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Yes. Are you doom scrolling on your phone or are you just there at peace with the world?

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What's happening? Oh, my eyes are still firmly closed. Oh, great. My eyes are still firmly closed and do not open until probably 8 o'clock.

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Yes. And my partner will have gotten up. Basically, what happens is my partner always gets up before me.

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It doesn't matter. Every day, even if I have to get up before her, she will still get up.

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I'm like, oh, we've already agreed. I'm getting up with the kids. You can stay in bed.

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She's like, well, I'm up. So, well, then why am I getting up? Because I want to be in bed.

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You want to get up. And now we're both up. I don't think we should ever be both up at 7 a.m.

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There's no need for that. Let's agree that you want to be up at 7 a.m.

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And I like staying in bed and always have that as a deal. But apparently we're not allowed to keep that.

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I think for that to work, you would need not just separate pods, but maybe you both sleep in coffins, separate coffins that are fully sealed as well.

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But then there'd be other issues You could have said separate rooms. You could have said separate beds.

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But you have suggested separate coffins. I mean, it happens a lot when people pass away that the two coffins are buried beside each other.

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Why not bring that into life as well? That you're there with your special person just in a coffin beside them.

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I think that's nice. In as much as it means that we're sealed from each other.

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Yeah. But we still have the... Intimacy of being together as one would be in death.

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Are you suggesting, David, that it's the same coffin that you would then be taken to the graveyard in or not?

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You see, this could save some money as well further down the line. I don't know how much a funeral costs, but I think quite a bit because you know those daytime adverts where it's like, don't burden your funeral costs on people coming after you.

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So if you accumulated the stuff during, your lifetime, maybe have even a tombstone as well, just sitting in the corner of the...

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You could use it as a whiteboard or something like that while you're alive. Oh, if it can double up as a whiteboard, sure.

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And then that would make sense because I always need a whiteboard in every room.

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That's really important for like lists. Then I can see it, but I don't know that I want to step into my bedroom necessarily to see that my bed is a coffin.

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Goth. I think it's a nice goth vibe. Were you ever a goth? I wasn't, no.

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Once again, I'm sorry. We're really getting off topic here. I'm sorry. Because unless Jen was a goth yesterday.

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Yeah, we don't care. We don't care. I'm the principal. And I wasn't even wearing eyeliner or anything yesterday.

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Okay, I see where you're going. Sorry, Max, carry on. That's okay. So we don't need to engage in anything before eight o'clock.

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You wake up, you say I'm coming down, and then... So then Chloe's put the coffee on.

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Chloe's my partner, okay? Chloe's made me a coffee and I will have a coffee.

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That's what I will have while the children are outside playing basketball. Oh, good. Now, that makes...

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It sounds like we have this incredible garden, the size of a basketball court. You're like, wow.

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What we've got is a postage stamp-sized garden, as most people in Brighton do, that my partner has, and it's on two levels.

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And on one of the levels, there's like a little kind of, I guess, like a balcony bit that she's strapped a basketball net to.

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And then the tiny, tiny little patch of courtyard that the children have used as their place to dribble and bounce, and they will be doing that until we go to school.

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Right. Gritily beating the crap out of each other. Right. Did you brush your teeth before coffee?

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No. What's the point? I know. What's the point? Do people brush their teeth before coffee?

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Also, that contaminates the taste that I enjoy most in the day, which is my coffee.

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I'd rather have my overnight breath than toothpaste taste. Presumably, you got dressed after the shower and you didn't just come down.

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I didn't get dressed and then shower. You're right. I know this isn't about bringing stuff from our own life to the podcast.

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This is a fact-finding mission as regards Jen but I hate drying myself. I've learned this in recent times.

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It's boring, isn't it? Sometimes in the summer, I get good light in my back garden so I'll just come straight out of the shower and just stand impatiently in the middle of the patio drip-drying like a dog.

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Like one of those, you know those hairless cats that looks like a Brexit voter that lives in the Costa del Sol.

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You know, those sort of ball-bag cats. I know exactly what you mean. Like Iggy Pop.

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Yeah, I absolutely have no problem with drying myself. In fact, previous partners Chloe hasn't noticed it, have noted that I am almost too vigorous with the drying.

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Wow, okay. Like I really get into it. I'm like... And then I'm dry and then I will put on my HRT.

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Had to put my HRT on. Which is the gel now? Anyone on HRT that's doing the gel.

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It's annoying because you have to wait for it to dry before you can put any clothes on.

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That really annoys me. So I dry really quickly, I put on my HRT and then I flap my arms up and down in my bedroom to dry the gel so that I can get dressed.

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Jen, is this in silence or have you put on some music? Particularly for the flapping.

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I think the flapping could be better done with like a maybe a house beat in the background or maybe even a podcast.

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Maybe in the future you'll listen to this podcast while you're flapping, which would be yet another great use of What Did You Do Yesterday? Do you know what?

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Usually I have Radio 4 on, the Today programme. I listen to that almost every morning because I like shouting at the radio.

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I live in Ireland so I don't listen to the Today show. It's very difficult to find, I would imagine. But I was once on a TV show called Today in New Zealand.

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And while I was on that, it turned out they did live infomercials during the show. It was a very tacky show. And while I was talking to the presenter, a guy came over with a dustpan with some soot in it and tipped it on the carpet beside

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me and then hoovered it up. But I know the British, the BBC Today is not like that.

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No, it's a very different vibe. It's a very different vibe. It's a shame that. I think actually I probably would like it more if it was more like that. We haven't got into how you've chosen the clothes you've chosen. I'm very different to my partner. So she will

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wake up in the morning and she will have to think about her outfit and she'll put on a full lot of makeup.

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So she'll be like, oh, OK, I'm going to wear a yellow jumpsuit and I'm going to wear these trainers and I'm going to wear this makeup and I'm going to have these accessories and then I'm going to take the children to school.

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I wake up, I look at whatever I was wearing the day before. And I put that on. Just quickly check. Is there any stains on it? Is there any like spaghetti bolognese, whiplash on that T-shirt? No? Right.

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On it goes. Off I roll. Clean underwear and socks, of course. Am I worried about if the T-shirt has been worn three days in a row?

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No, I'm not. Not worried in the slightest. Some might say that's a red flag. But for me, I like to go out looking like I have made no effort.

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How big a stain would it have to be to say no? I don't know if I should be admitting to this on a public forum. Yeah, and such a hugely successful one as well. And a hugely successful one. I have a very good friend of mine

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and then I want to ask you the same question, who if she wears a top or a pair of trousers or anything, even if it's for an hour, she will wash it. Oh my goodness.

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That's not me. I was influenced a lot by a fact that I heard when I was maybe 15, which is that jeans don't need to be washed. Did you ever hear this one? Ever. I mean this was put forward and cool people put them in the freezer and

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instead, which theoretically kills the bacteria because you don't want to lose that nice colour. Yeah, that's bullshit. I know but it's really influenced me in the last 30 years as to how little I wash trousers. Like when do trousers it's rare you'd get a stain on

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trousers in this day and age. Maybe because I cycle, I might get the right hand ankle, might get a little bit of chain on there but I've done a whole Edinburgh fringe where I'm wearing the same trousers for every gig I'm going to say

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that when I go away to do a run of gigs, maybe, which I did in December last year and David did a few of those dates when I go away and

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there's a mix of female and male comedians, you will note that the women tend to have a suitcase with them. I'm away for four nights, I've got my makeup I've got my wash bag, I've got four different tops I'm going to wear over the series of the dates.

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Sometimes it will be for the daytime, sometimes for the evening but a selection of clothes, of which I will include myself in that. I always pack too much.

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And then you see the men and they have got like a rucksack which you think, you couldn't even fit a laptop in there. You're like, where are your clothes?

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Oh, I'm just wearing these clothes for four days and I brought a pair of spare pants. You're like, what?

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You're literally not going to change. This is so unfair. Genuinely, I don't think you and Will, changed your clothes for the entire time that we were on that tour.

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Look, I play a small battery powered novelty keyboard when I do my live comedy events and that needs to be protected and because I don't have a proper flight case for it, I bring extra clothes and wrap them around the 1986 Yamaha Portisound. Now sometimes

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that will just involve several Karen type jackets because they offer excellent protection to tiny kids but I will certainly bring several pairs of undies on a tour like that. Sometimes I will have to wash them mid-tour and then hope they dry by the following day.

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Sorry, we're getting sidetracked now. No, no, it's important. From my undercarriage to this podcast I want to make it clear, things are sparkly, clean to the squeak, I think is what they say in dishwasher ads.

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I had one question about the toilets. And it's not what you think, David. I used to ask footballers how many toilets they had. It was quite interesting. And Mark Schwartzer, the former Australian international goalkeeper, has nine.

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And so I'm just wondering, Jen, do you have a choice of toilet? In my home?

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Okay, this is going to make me sound like an absolute prick. I do. How many have we got here? We have three.

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Three! I know, it's disgusting, isn't it? Three's pretty good. I've got one that we don't use at all. Like, I never use.

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Why is that now? Well, we had a loft extension about eight or nine years ago, and we have an en suite to this loft extension, which is...

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I mean... This is going to make me sound like such a middle-class prick, but here we go.

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But it's got a macerator on it. A what? What? It's a macerator. So it means that it doesn't...

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The soil pipe, it doesn't have a soil pipe that goes, that joins the main sort of plumbing in the house. So it has a macerator that has to macerate the poo.

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It goes... Right. Oh, God. Macerates the poo like that, and then funnels it somewhere else. I don't want to know where it goes, but it doesn't go down the main soil pipe.

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Like a Nutribullet. Like a Nutri... And it is collected in a separate container, I think. Wow.

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When you got the extension, why didn't you get a toilet that worked? Because of the way... Look, do we want to get into structural engineering and planning now?

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Because the only place we could fit a bathroom was in the section that meant that there was no soil pipe. And they said, well, what we can do, there's no soil pipe. Do you still want this? We said,

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yes, we do. They said, okay, well, we can put a macerator. We said, oh, we had a macerator in our last flat, but it was a bit of a problem. They said, as long as you don't poo in here very often, in fact, try to avoid

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pooing here at all times. And make sure you keep the switch on. There's a switch on, and if you take the switch off, the macerator doesn't work, and all the water will float to the top of the surface. So if you've done a poo,

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you have a pool of shit. Which happened when a friend of ours stayed, accidentally switched the switch off, and said, I think I've destroyed your toilet. I've been trying to plumb it for ages. And then

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it wasn't until we got home that we realised all he had to do was switch the macerator back on.

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But he had been up to his elbow in shit, trying to plumb that toilet. Oh, what a polite person, though. Like, the stress of it. He would be there.

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He was so anxious. He said, Jen, I don't even want you to see what I can see right now. And I should have known.

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I should have gone, oh, mate, I think what happened was you must have accidentally switched the macerator switch off.

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But I was like, oh, gosh, okay. And it was only when I got there I went, oh, I can see what we've done here. He'd been plumbing that toilet for about three and a half hours.

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Poor guy. Anyway, what didn't happen yesterday, and as you've already said, that some spectacular things happened to yesterday. Oh, no, not spectacular. When I said extraordinary, I meant like it's not ordinary,

25:52 - 25:59

but not interesting either. That's fine. Let's go. It's still 8am. Can we get out of the fucking bedroom? Let's go.

25:59 - 26:10

Come on. I've never heard the word macerator before, and I've now heard it maybe six times. I love the idea of the conservatory just, if it wasn't switched on, just slowly filling with the...

26:10 - 26:17

Shit. Yeah. Chloe hands you a coffee at 8am. Chloe has handed me a coffee at 8am.

26:17 - 26:24

What a joy. What a treat. That's great. So I'm sitting in our kitchen. So at this point, okay, it's time for me to take the kids to school. So I'm rallying them.

26:24 - 26:31

I'm like, go clean your teeth. Clean your teeth. Go upstairs. Clean your teeth. Can you go upstairs and clean your teeth?

26:31 - 26:42

And I will say that a dozen, 15, 20 times until they clean their teeth. And then they'll go upstairs and they'll clean their teeth and then it's right. Okay, now it's time. Grab your bags. Chloe will have packed their bags with their snacks and their water for school.

26:42 - 26:56

Chloe's great, isn't she? Chloe's literally, without her, we are all just, there's no point to any of us. Chloe's the hero of this podcast so far. You will find that as this progresses, she's pretty much the hero of the whole thing.

26:56 - 27:08

So I will then take the children to school. So I leave the house first because sometimes I find it's helpful if I leave the house first to get them to get out. So I'm outside waiting for my children and off we go.

27:08 - 27:12

Off we go up the hill on our way to school. Are we in a car?

27:12 - 27:22

Are you on an e-bike or are you walking? No, we can walk. We can walk to school. So we're walking up the hill from where I live to the children's school which isn't too far. It's probably about a 10 minute walk and it's only when we

27:22 - 27:30

arrive at school that my son, walks in front of me because at this point we've been side by side, that I say to him where's your bag?

27:30 - 27:46

And he says what? I went where is your school bag? And he said oh, I don't know. And I went okay, I'm now going to have to go back. So off I go back down the hill. Wow, that's big. That's the number one thing. I'd say

27:46 - 28:01

over the 12 years I attended school, I forgot every possible thing you could forget. But I don't think I ever forgot like the raison d'etre of school which is to extract knowledge from that bag, you know?

28:01 - 28:09

This is not the first time this has happened. This may be the third time this has happened where he has thought I've done enough.

28:09 - 28:14

I've got my coat on, I've got my shoes on and I've cleaned my teeth and I feel like I've achieved all I need to for today.

28:14 - 28:24

So it was my job as his parent to make sure that he had his bag, but I had done the leaving the house before he did thing and so I didn't check.

28:24 - 28:32

Anyway, so it was partly my fault, but let's also say mostly his. Sure, and you had faith in him. You were empowering your child. Trying.

28:32 - 28:38

Trying to give him some kind of bloody agency, Max. Do you know what I mean? And some responsibility.

28:38 - 28:48

So I go home, Chloe is there, she's in her gear. I love a bit of Chloe. She's in the yellow jumpsuit, dressed like a superhero, little cape fluttering.

28:48 - 28:53

Wait till you hear this. She is now in Lycra. She's in all of her gym gear.

28:54 - 28:58

She has moved the car to the front of the house. I said, oh, are you driving?

28:58 - 29:02

She's off to Reforma Pilates. I said, are you driving into Brighton? Because if you are, can I have a lift?

29:02 - 29:09

She said, no, I'm going to cycle in. I don't drive in. I'm cycling in. I just moved the car because we're going to the dump later and I need to move all the stuff.

29:09 - 29:16

Wow, I'm so excited about later. Yeah, I cannot wait for that. She said, don't forget, we're going to the dump later.

29:16 - 29:24

And I said, I can't, I can't, I've got too many things to do. She went, well, I can't move all of this on my own. And I said, oh God, okay.

29:24 - 29:36

So I go back, drop off my son's bag. I go all the way into his classroom to give him the bag. He pretends that he hasn't seen me. He doesn't know who I am and I don't exist.

29:36 - 29:44

But he can see the bag but he can't see me. So he takes the bag, blind to me. I said, you're welcome.

29:44 - 29:52

Have you ever done anything embarrassing in the school in the presence of the mates that would have got this status?

29:52 - 30:08

You know what I mean? I don't have a child. So I am curious as to how you would get this reputation as someone that needs to be invisibilised in order for me to continue with my day. I think my son was just

30:08 - 30:18

embarrassed that he'd forgotten his bag and he didn't want to draw attention to it. I think it was like he felt embarrassed that his parents had to deliver his bag. That was also quite shameful.

30:18 - 30:23

But I know a lot of his friends quite well because they come round to our house all of the time.

30:24 - 30:30

Do they think I'm cool? Absolutely not. However, I did get a couple of high fives as I left.

30:30 - 30:39

Oh, good. Yay! How you doing? Tried to lock eyes with my son. Completely blanked me. You stood at the top of the classroom, did a freestyle rap. I did the running man,

30:39 - 30:54

caterpillar, into the worm, some body popping. Sat on a chair backwards. Sat on the chair backwards, read them a poem that I've written. I said this is more of a slam. I don't know if you've heard of slam poetry. Here's something,

30:54 - 31:02

and it's called my son's name. So I did that, and then I moonwalked out of the classroom. So cool.

31:02 - 31:14

What a cool mum. I'm so cool. In the clothes that they'd seen me wear for four days in a row, and then headed back down the hill. Now, my partner's like, can you get my bike out of the shed? Because we've got to go.

31:14 - 31:20

I'm leaving now. I don't have time to waste. I said, okay, I'm going to come to Brighton as well, because I've got some stuff to do.

31:20 - 31:26

So I grabbed my bag. So you're going to cycle as a duo on two by bikes? We're cycling as a duo.

31:26 - 31:32

Oh, this is so nice. Have you ever sat on the saddle of a bike and let the other person pedal?

31:32 - 31:37

Is that something you've done in recent years? Like a backy? Like a backy or a crossbar? I have, but not recently.

31:37 - 31:42

Not recently. I mean, I have been the person cycling and somebody else has been on the back.

31:42 - 31:49

But I haven't had the joy of having someone's bum come into my face as they're trying to pedal in a long, long time.

31:49 - 31:56

Certainly not yesterday. So we're on two bikes. Normal two bikes We're on two bikes. We're heading in to be right on.

31:56 - 32:02

Okay? Right. Jen, why do you need to be in Brighton? You don't need to be in there. I think you've had a pretty busy morning.

32:02 - 32:10

You've done your flapping. You've dropped them off and just take it easy now. Yes. And often I would.

32:10 - 32:13

I would. But yesterday was not that day. Yesterday I had some jobs to do.

32:13 - 32:26

So I had some jobs to do where I had to go into town to return some plastic Birkenstocks. You know, the ones that you had for the beach. They were orange.

32:26 - 32:34

Okay. What was wrong with them? They were just, because now they only do them in narrow size. They don't do them in the normal regular size. I have to go a size up, but

32:34 - 32:44

I didn't know that. So I got my usual size Birkenstock, but my foot was like, no babe, we're not getting in here. So I had to go and return them. How much had you worn them?

32:44 - 32:55

Had you... I'd literally just tried to slide my fat foot in and my fat foot went, not happening. Jen, have you ever worn an outfit to a function but kept the label on and attempted to return it?

32:55 - 33:09

I haven't, but I'm full of admiration for people that do that. And I have a lot of friends who do do that, who go, I'm like, oh my God, how much did that cost? They're like, I don't know, returning it tomorrow. And I'm like, wow!

33:09 - 33:17

I wouldn't have... I couldn't keep the face to do the thing that it's supposed to, to say, have you ever... this been worn?

33:17 - 33:26

Yeah, my friend was at a wedding recently and saw someone with a tag hanging out the back of a dress and yanked it off.

33:26 - 33:40

And they were livid. They were absolutely livid. Yeah, this is this was going back tomorrow and now I have to, yeah, I have to buy it. My other friend, on the way to the wedding, happened to, in the garage, meet the woman

33:40 - 33:47

from the boutique, who ran the boutique where she had bought it. And the woman from the boutique was like, that looks so well on you.

33:47 - 33:56

Oh no, what are the chances? So, we cycle down at some point. I always cycle ahead because I like to go at a particular clip.

33:56 - 34:12

And Chloe is behind. And let me just tell you about that. As a cyclist myself, it's 30% less effort to be the person behind because the person in front is breaking into the wind. The person behind is slipstreaming, we call it.

34:12 - 34:15

I was going to say streamlining and I knew it was wrong. Slipstreaming is what it is.

34:15 - 34:34

Yeah. Those big wide feet are really breaking through that air. Yes, and making way for my wife, who is behind me. Okay. In many ways, Chloe has done everything for the family up until now, but you have made her cycle ride slightly easier, moderately

34:34 - 34:44

easier into town. So it's sort of even. Well, here's the thing. I want to go a direct route, which means straight. Chloe's like, I want to go on the cycle lane. Okay.

34:44 - 34:51

Okay. And I'd like to get on the cycle lane. We have to now cross the road, go onto the cycle lane, and then the cycle lane ends and we have to cross another road.

34:51 - 34:58

Then we join the cycle lane again. I said, what we do is you just zip along the road and then join the cycle lane further up. She's like, I hate doing that.

34:58 - 35:03

I said, well, I'm doing that. And we're doing this while we're cycling. Max, are you team Chloe here or team Jan?

35:03 - 35:16

Team Jan. I'm probably team Chloe though. I mean, I am an experienced cyclist, but I also once a month have a car door shoot open in front of me. Look, look, Chloe's way is the better way. We can all agree that.

35:16 - 35:27

I understand that. But I'm like, I just want to get in and then get out because I've got shit to do and I'll be faffing around waiting at crossing. Got the dump coming up the dump to look forward to as it happens. We hit

35:27 - 35:41

every green light and I'm like, wow, we're whizzing through and we hit the bike lane and I'm like smug as fuck. Yeah, well done. The lights are green. So when we get to the crossing, we go straight across and then this is where I'm go one way.

35:41 - 35:53

I go around to the right because it's a wide a path, not a cycle lane, but a very wide pedestrian path like really super wide, like eight people wide on the steam, which is the piece of grass that

35:53 - 35:59

goes all the way from the top of Brighton all the way down to the seafront. And so I'm on the sort of nearing the bottom bit heading towards the pavilion.

35:59 - 36:03

Strictly speaking, it's not for bicycles but there's space. Do you know what I'm talking about?

36:03 - 36:09

I'm cycling along. I look behind me. There's no Chloe. Oh dear. Where has she gone?

36:09 - 36:14

She's gone. Oh, she must have gone a different way. Maybe she's gone through the lanes. I'm like, but why would she go through the lanes?

36:14 - 36:27

Oh no. I'm looking around and then I hear my name, Jen, and I turn around. She is on the opposite side of the steam. So the big patch of grass, just because there is a bicycle lane on the other side, and that is where you're supposed to cycle.

36:27 - 36:31

It's the cycle on the bit that I'm in. So she's cycling. I can see her smug face.

36:31 - 36:39

She's very smug. And we meet in the middle where I join her to continue on to the cycle lane. It's like Swan Lake.

36:39 - 36:50

I mean, there was a certain grace to our actions and movements. There was a moment there where Chloe disappeared, and I thought the worst for a second.

36:50 - 36:55

I don't think you'd come on this podcast, would you, if Chloe had just vanished yesterday?

36:55 - 37:01

And we never saw her again. Also, the way that she's been built up at the start of this podcast.

37:01 - 37:13

It would be harrowing for you, sure. Think of the listeners who'd be like... I know! Everyone's so invested in Chloe. This is the problem is that now they're like, but what happened?

37:13 - 37:25

What happened to Chloe? I'd say this would be used in court, this podcast then. Particularly, suspicions would be raised if Chloe had vanished, and later on we've got the dump to look forward to.

37:25 - 37:37

What really happened at the dump? Hey, but what a brazen killer to come on the exact podcast where you have to say everything you did the day before. Everything you did the day.

37:37 - 37:45

Disposed of the body of your partner. Wow. It's the perfect crime, guys. It's the perfect crime. No, it's the opposite.

37:45 - 37:50

It's the worst possible crime. We've already established that I can't lie, so there's absolutely no hope for me.

37:50 - 38:02

Happy ending there she is. Right, for you. Then we get to the point where we've hit where the pavilion is and then that's when we part ways. She goes off to meet her friend Debbie to do reformer Pilates.

38:02 - 38:11

I go off to do my jobs. First thing is I have to go to a bank. I have to just pay in some money. There's just something on my mind.

38:11 - 38:17

What was the schism in Pilates that led to the reform movement? Does anyone know?

38:17 - 38:23

I know this is about your day. I don't think it's like the Reformation. I think it's literally... I don't think it's like the Reformation.

38:23 - 38:29

Is it got machines? Is that the difference? That's it. So you're doing everything on a reformer machine.

38:29 - 38:34

So that's why they call it reformer Pilates. It wasn't Henry VIII was really into one kind of Pilates.

38:34 - 38:39

He just wouldn't go with him. And he was just like, I need the machines.

38:39 - 38:46

And that's how it happened. If you do Pilates on a mat, you will be burned as a heretic on a bonfire.

38:46 - 39:03

But if you do it on a machine, well, with a giant turkey leg in your mouth and a vast of wine. And a huge red outfit with a crown. Bring on the dancing girls. Yeah, just whilst moving backwards and forwards. That's actually fine. Yeah. I have a question.

39:03 - 39:08

I have a question, Jen, which is most banking work can be done on an app.

39:08 - 39:18

Unless it's enormous amounts of money. I mean, I'm not saying you get rid of your partner and now suddenly you're paying in millions of pounds into Santander.

39:18 - 39:24

You don't have to give the details. I had to pay somebody some cash. I owe them.

39:24 - 39:30

This sounds really dodgy. It's absolutely not. It's absolutely not dodgy. Was your cash in a leather holdall?

39:30 - 39:36

It wasn't that much cash. It was in a suitcase. A suitcase of cash? In five pound notes. Wow.

39:36 - 39:48

But get this. There's been a bag mix up because your son's school bag is the same as the holdall. Your son gets into school and there's quarter of a million quid in fivers.

39:48 - 40:04

It's in five pound notes and... Anyway. It was a very unmemorable transaction. Right. Which I transacted. Then I go to sort out my Birkenstocks.

40:04 - 40:10

So I go to sort out my Birkenstocks and I go in to see them and I said, oh, I'd like to return these.

40:10 - 40:21

I bought them online but they said you can change it in the shop. So I said, can I change these? And they said, oh, right, okay. They said, do you want a refund or do you want to exchange them? I said,

40:21 - 40:28

well, my thing is that these are narrow fit. I said, do you do them in like a regular fit? Because my last pair were in a regular fit. And the guy went,

40:28 - 40:38

they've only ever been in narrow fit. I said, I don't think that's true because I had a pair and they were wide. I mean, admittedly, I bought them five years ago. He went, that's not possible because they've only ever been narrow.

40:38 - 40:46

This is the new plastic versions though. Presumably they still make the big, wide brown rice ones.

40:46 - 40:57

Oh, yeah. So this is just the plastic ones. The leather ones you can get in regular and narrow. I said, I just think it's a bit weird because I prefer, and he said, well, then he said something like,

40:57 - 41:04

well, they've never done it. And he goes, I've never sold a plastic for women that isn't narrow. I said, that's interesting because I just told you that I had a pair and he went,

41:04 - 41:13

yeah, whatever. Wow. I said, okay. Do you know what? I think I'll just get a refund. So I got a refund. Go on, Jen. Go on.

41:13 - 41:18

And then I walked around to another shoe shop, which is around the corner that sold exactly the same shoes.

41:18 - 41:22

And I said, can I try these in a size higher to see if they're wider?

41:23 - 41:28

She said yes. She produced a shoe. It wasn't the same colour, but I was perfectly happy with the colour.

41:28 - 41:36

I tried them on and it turns out if I go a size higher, they are a little bit long for me, but they do take in the width of my foot. So I said,

41:36 - 41:42

I'll buy them. Did you go back into Attitude Birkenstock, man, with your new Birkenstocks on?

41:42 - 41:55

Look at these, you bell! But actually, still, the truth is that they did only sell them in narrow fit. But that's not to say that I had a pair that weren't narrow fit. That's all I am saying. Just acknowledge that they exist.

41:55 - 42:05

Don't gaslight me. I mean, I feel we're dancing around. The elephant here is literally your foot. Do you think your foot's got wider in the last five years, though?

42:05 - 42:12

You know, there's an old Arlo Hanlon joke that I think about a lot, which is you know you're getting bigger when your socks don't fit.

42:12 - 42:21

And do you think that maybe there's been a touch of spread on your feet? Just in my feet, but no other.

42:23 - 42:28

That's where the weight goes. Definitely heavier than I was five years ago, but not specifically in my foot.

42:28 - 42:40

But have you always had massively wide feet? Look, I know the width of these other shoes because I had them up until last year and they were like, my feet were swimming around in them like absolute joy and I absolutely loved them.

42:40 - 42:52

And probably part of the reason why they split was because they were so wide that sometimes I'd catch them and then they split where the toe was and eventually they just split the hell off. And I think there were complaints, people going, these don't

42:52 - 42:56

last because they're too wide. And so they went, oh, I know what we'll do. We'll narrow them.

42:56 - 43:02

Oh, yeah. Well, just to let you know that you are known by everyone on the circuit as big old wide feet.

43:02 - 43:17

Is that a thing? Yeah, I was in Australia recently and it was very windy out and everyone was saying, it'd be good if Jen Brister was here because she'd be able to walk through this wind because she's effectively like a human. It's like two snowshoes.

43:17 - 43:28

Yes. Old snowshoes, yeah. That's what I'm known as. Here comes snowshoes. Often when I walk in people just hand me two tennis rackets and I might want to pop those on your feet, love.

43:28 - 43:45

How are you going to bring them home on the bike? Is this something because a bag, particularly a shoebox on a bike is potentially very dangerous because you're going to dangle it from the handlebars it can donk off the spokes then. Okay, I've got a pannier.

43:45 - 43:52

I've got a pannier which I've been carrying around with me. So I've got this pannier which everyone makes fun of me.

43:52 - 44:00

Because it is turquoise and so everyone's like, have you got a job with Deliveroo now? So wrong colour pannier to be honest.

44:00 - 44:08

But anyway, a very functional pannier and it works. So I'm carrying that around. On this subject, sorry, just I need to step in with this.

44:08 - 44:20

I went to, the chipper is gone from the village where I grew up and has been replaced now by a sort of, it's called Cluck Cluck Fancy Chicken, you know where they're trying to sell you a chicken burger for 11 quid.

44:20 - 44:36

One of those sort of things. So I decided to get a takeaway recently. I don't know if you know about this about me, but I have 19 bikes and I love bikes. And one of the great brands is Bianchi. They're an Italian small company. They just make

44:36 - 44:50

turquoise bikes. And I was wearing the Bianchi helmet as well. And I may have had a jacket on that matched. I was quite matchy. I'm not normally matchy, but it turned out I'm matchy. And I ordered it at the counter and 15 minutes later it hadn't

44:50 - 44:54

come. And so I went back to the counter and I said, sorry, I'm waiting on the chicken burger.

44:54 - 44:58

Where's that? And the guy was like, just stand over there. Stand in the corner.

44:58 - 45:10

And so I went back and stood in the corner. And another 10 minutes later I went, I kept again. I was like, is there any... And he was like, you wait over there and we tell you when it's ready. And

45:10 - 45:18

I glimpsed the life of the delivery rider. They thought I very cool. They thought you were there to collect an order.

45:18 - 45:28

We'll let you know when your orders arrived, mate. It's quite a humbling experience and reminds you that perhaps treating people on zero-hour contracts with a little bit of respect is something we should all be doing.

45:28 - 45:40

Lovely way to tie up that bit, Dan. Thank you. It is good. And that's actually the first, you know, given an hour of Nish talking about what he was talking about, it's the first sort of step we've made into the political sphere.

45:40 - 45:50

Oh, we're about to make some more. So anyway, we buy a couple of things because we're going to go on holiday. I buy a shirt, two shirts. Chloe buys a pair of shorts. We get out. Bye-bye.

45:50 - 45:58

I'm going. I said, I've got to go to M&S to go and get to change some money because I always change my money in M&S. I never go to a bank. Wow.

45:58 - 46:10

That's crazy. They usually have the better rate. Not always. They usually do have the better rates. So on this occasion, it was, again, not much, but it was marginally better.

46:10 - 46:20

Okay, so I'll go to M&S because when you're changing a lot of money. So I changed a lot of money because when we go to Spain, the guy who owns this villa, he wants me to pay the second half in cash.

46:20 - 46:26

Yeah, you're just 100% cash now. Everyone's about the cash. Listen, I can deal in cash and I had to deal in cash.

46:26 - 46:30

You're laundering money at M&S. This is so good. I'm laundering money at M&S.

46:30 - 46:40

A massive 900 euros I am laundering in M&S. Wow. So I take my 900 euros and I cycle slowly up the hill all the way home. So I'm home.

46:40 - 46:50

Chloe is like saying to me, in the time that it's taken me to do that shopping, she has packed the car with everything that needs to go to the dump. And she said,

46:50 - 46:55

I've done it. I don't even need you now. I can do this on my own. And I'm like, praise be to Jesus. Thank you.

46:55 - 47:00

So Chloe goes off to the dump. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Max, can you ask the obvious question?

47:00 - 47:06

I really wanted to go to the dump. I didn't go. I'm so sorry, Max. That's okay. Chloe went to the tip on her own.

47:06 - 47:22

It was all the basically, it was all the cash that I had laundered. So she went to the tip, took a load of, I don't know, bits of plants and crap and other crap to the tip because she had made a little,

47:22 - 47:32

with her parents over the weekend, had made a little made our front garden into like a little vegetable patch thing for one of our sons who wants to grow vegetables and we haven't got any in our garden. It's an idyll.

47:32 - 47:46

Yeah, it is. It's perfect. Yes, it is. But what we realised is we basically created a massive litter tray for every single cat that lives in our street. So woke up the next day to several piles of cat shit. But anyway, so Chloe's gone

47:46 - 47:52

to the tip, but she said to me, I'm in the mood for making myself a lentil soup. And she said, great.

47:52 - 48:08

Can you make enough lentil soup? Because one of the women in the PTA of our school had a bicycle accident and broke her femur. And so she is unable to move. And she's a single mum. And it'd be great if you

48:08 - 48:12

could make enough soup for her as well. I said, okay, great. I will make enough soup for everybody.

48:12 - 48:26

So I make a vat of lentil soup. This is the most Brighton description of a day, I think. This is more Brighton than usual, actually, I feel. If Brighton was last to the sea, you could rebuild it from the first half of this podcast.

48:26 - 48:34

But I didn't even go for a sea swim this morning, that morning, David. Can you imagine if I'd gone for a swim as well?

48:34 - 48:37

It would have been like, people would have been like, I don't think this podcast is for me.

48:37 - 48:47

They'd have switched off. So I make a vat of lentil soup. I eat a bowl of that lentil soup whilst listening to a podcast. Well, I do that while I'm cooking. What podcast?

48:47 - 48:59

The rest is politics, maybe. And maybe an episode of Today in Focus. It will all be politics. It'll be like a very degree of political podcast.

48:59 - 49:12

Okay. So that's all I'm listening to whilst I do my lentil soup cooking. And then I eat my lentil soup and then I... This lentil soup takes ages to cook, by the way, because the lentils I've used, these green lentils are kind of like pre-lentils.

49:12 - 49:17

They take longer than you. It's good because we've got to get through the day. So in a way, if it's taken a couple of hours, that's probably...

49:17 - 49:23

It's taken ages. Great. Boom. Lentil soup done. I eat it. Well done, me. Chloe comes back.

49:23 - 49:27

I can't believe you're still making lentil soup. I've been to the tip and back. I don't want to talk about it. It's done.

49:27 - 49:37

Okay? Then I say, I've got to jump on a call. Now, the call I've got to jump on, I have started up a sort of like a non-profit for Gaza.

49:37 - 49:52

Oh, yeah. I've seen this. So I'm basically meeting someone to talk about fundraising, to talk about all of the problems we're having trying to figure out how to get the money to the people in Gaza and what an absolute nightmare, logistical nightmare it's turning out to

49:52 - 50:03

be and whether we can partner up with another project in order to assist us, a project that's been on the ground for a lot longer than we have, who can assist us in distributing this money so it makes sure it gets to the people that it's supposed

50:03 - 50:10

to, without being caught up by lots of heavy fees, bank fees. Right. And that's what we were doing.

50:10 - 50:15

The non-profit is for Gaza. It's called All Our Relations. As you can imagine, it went on for ages.

50:15 - 50:26

So that meeting happened. So can I ask, like, I think a lot of people have been really paralysed by not knowing what to do or how to help in the situation in Gaza.

50:26 - 50:37

And also, a lot of people have found it very difficult to speak up about it. Have you found speaking up has had any sort of reaction? Or has what you've been doing, you're trying to get families out,

50:37 - 50:51

I've seen it sort of, you've said, right, we need to get these families out, or some families out. Have you been sort of obviously understand the motivation for doing it, but have you been nervous about the reaction that would get because this is such a politicised, difficult situation?

50:52 - 50:59

From the very beginning, I had been saying I don't think this is the way to conduct a military operation. So I've been calling for a ceasefire for a long, long time.

50:59 - 51:06

So at that point, like six, seven months ago, certainly I got a hell of a lot of pushback.

51:06 - 51:21

And I think I'm not Jewish. I've no idea what it must be like to feel like there is any kind of people directing or blaming what is happening in Israel on a whole race of people. Do you know what I mean?

51:21 - 51:35

And there has been an increase in anti-Semitism. And so I've always been really conscious to sort of make sure that I distance myself from anything that might be construed as anti-Semitism. I'm just criticising what the Israeli government are doing and have done

51:35 - 51:47

for some time in terms of apartheid and the settlements and anyway, I don't want to get into the whole politics of it, but I want to be able to separate the two. That I have no hate in my heart for anyone, but I feel

51:47 - 51:53

like it is possible for us to be critical of a country or particularly of a government, I would say.

51:53 - 52:03

And the way that they are conducting a military operation against civilians, innocent civilians. And I think that we should be able to do that. Because it's a difficult thing to talk about, people don't want to talk about it, right?

52:03 - 52:15

Yeah, and I think it's okay to talk about it and I think it's okay to be able to criticise the government. I think we should always be able to criticise the government. And it's also okay to criticise the government and say that not all Israelis or

52:15 - 52:29

not all Palestinians or not all British people or not all American people, if we are all being judged by our government then we're fucked, aren't we? My government doesn't represent me or my values or how I interact with the world and I would hate that anyone would

52:29 - 52:43

think to conflate those two things. And yes, what's happening in the Middle East is incredibly complicated but I'm coming at it purely from a humanitarian perspective and I haven't involved myself in the politics. I think we can all agree that there are civilians on the ground who

52:43 - 52:49

are in need of assistance and that is what I would like to offer. So anyway, I didn't want to bring the podcast down.

52:49 - 53:07

No, I always feel as a comedian, you should do charity gigs because we're very lucky to get to do what we do and then also to get to platform things that we feel passionate about. Yeah, so I've been trying to do charity stuff for Gaza recently. However,

53:07 - 53:23

I also did, because I love sport, I did a charity gig I wasn't exactly sure but I knew it was a fundraiser to try and get an Irish team to the World Championships so I said, yeah, sure, I'll do that and then it turned out to be

53:23 - 53:39

I mean, I don't want to say the least worthy charity of all time but it was the Irish Ultimate Frisbee team and they had said they'd moved it from a small venue to a very, very large venue and

53:39 - 53:53

I mean, I just said, yeah, of course I'll do it and they came out at the end and threw a frisbee around me and part of me was like, this is great that we've been able to raise this money for these very middle class people

53:53 - 54:11

who are going to fulfil their dreams at the World Ultimate Frisbee Championships in Vancouver, but at the same time, there's a lot going on in the world and David, maybe you should have chosen more wisely than this I think that has got to be the most obscure

54:11 - 54:27

fundraiser I've I think I've ever heard Everyone was there, Dara O'Brie and Chris O'Dowd, they were all there, flatly, they all sang a few songs They all did it. So anyway, I did this phone call it went on for ages, you'll be pleased to hear

54:27 - 54:41

that takes up all of the afternoon, we're now into the early evening, I've got to go and I have to get back onto my bicycle I sprint all the way down to the bottom of the scene to go and do this live podcast. Imagine the

54:41 - 54:54

disregard for bike lanes you're having on this this expedited journey here. David, you're not going to believe this, but because I felt bad about what happened at the earlier journey I do go the whole way on bike lanes Oh wow

54:54 - 55:08

It doesn't make sense, but yep, that's what I did Turn up, this is a I realise really, a PR exercise no one's getting paid to do this and it's to promote whatever show you're doing at the Brighton Fringe. I am not doing a show at the Brighton Fringe

55:08 - 55:21

There's absolutely no reason for me to be promoting, in fact I'm not even on tour In fact I have nothing to promote this year, like absolutely nothing. And you'd rather be at home?

55:21 - 55:31

And I could be at home. You could talk about the lentil soup, I mean it seems like you've made a large vat of it, maybe you could try and flog it directly on the podcast Do you know what? Because I'd made so much of it

55:31 - 55:47

I could have taken a load of it and I could have made some dough. Yeah £4 a bowl of lentil soup. Oh in Brighton, and the rest mate, and the rest. £14 for a bowl of. Cash only Cash only, always cash only Sorry my card reader's

55:47 - 55:59

actually not working at the moment, I'm afraid we're cash. Seems like your card reader's been broken for the last five years, Jen if I'm honest So I do this thing, so I go on it anyway it's quite fun, we have a nice time, there's a live audience

55:59 - 56:09

there, they seem to enjoy it I go to the toilet because I've drunk a pint of water, I get back on my bicycle, I cycle home I cycle back. Have you had dinner?

56:09 - 56:23

No, I haven't had any dinner at this point Can I get a time check? So the podcast is from 6 till 7, so I'm cycling back, oh and I forgot to mention that Chloe said to me I'm not cooking dinner. I've cooked dinner every night this week, you're cooking dinner

56:23 - 56:41

I said okay, I'll cook dinner when I get back She's fed the children, she hasn't fed me She's had enough. This is sort of a Michael Douglas moment. She's done everything for the last 25 years She's had enough You get back. Max, you're not You're not actually far off

56:41 - 56:52

Okay. I thought the inference was quite vague but you've really lasered in on it You're absolutely right. She's basically said I feel like I've done everything this week and you've done absolutely nothing Wow. So could you do something?

56:52 - 57:05

And I was like oh wow. I did the washing up yesterday but fine. Yeah So I said yes of course I will cook dinner I'd completely forgotten to mention that in this time we had had a message from a very dear friend of ours

57:05 - 57:18

to say that she had had an accident. She'd had a fall and she'd fallen on her back and she was on her way to hospital. Could we possibly have her children? Okay

57:18 - 57:27

And we of course said absolutely 100% we'll take the kids no worries Forever. She said forever Can you just take them from now on?

57:27 - 57:43

We will take your children between 6pm and 6.25 and if you can pick them up at exactly that time. That's about the limit of our assistance. So I come back from this gig and there's four children We now have four children. What age are they?

57:43 - 57:58

So they're all about the same age Her kids are in the year above but they're summer babies so there's only a month or so difference because my boys are autumn They're nearly 10 basically all of them. Nearly 10 years old and they're watching YouTube which they're not allowed to watch

57:58 - 58:04

and Chloe's been upstairs organising stuff so she hasn't seen. What are they watching? Alex Jones? What are they watching?

58:04 - 58:21

God no! Andrew Tate Joe Rogan and Andrew Tate. That's all they like and I'm fine with that actually. I'm like time to learn how to be a man boys So they're watching, I don't know, they're watching some crap. I've like turned

58:21 - 58:33

this off, you're not allowed to watch this. They went actually mama this is on Netflix. I went it's not on Netflix, it's on YouTube and I want you to switch this off and then they press the Netflix button to say see and I'm like I've just seen

58:33 - 58:49

you press the Netflix button, just switch this button. So I'm imagining it's pranking I'm imagining it's some sort of prank stuff. Yeah they love pranking Beatles About, amazing Oh my god, they saw some old videos of Beatles About and all that sort of thing. What was the clip

58:49 - 59:00

show that he did after that? Oh you've been framed, yeah. So you've been framed so not Beatles About, so they love all of that Oh my god, people falling over somebody at a wedding, doesn't get better than that falls into a swimming pool, whatever. I love the idea

59:00 - 59:16

that Beatle is seen as like the godfather of this genre that there's people who like Beatle, you're the guy like the Mozart of the pranking genre. In this country isn't he? He's like the king. Like in America they had candid camera, didn't

59:16 - 59:30

they? But in the UK, I don't know what they had in Ireland. Did they have Beatle in Ireland? Probably not. Well, we used to see Beatle, certainly but pranking has never been done in Ireland. If you were to do anything under false

59:30 - 59:34

pretenses like that, people just wouldn't know how to react. They'd be like, what is this?

59:34 - 59:40

This is why it feels at home with the Irish. They're like, fuck you guys.

59:40 - 59:53

It's not even funny. One of my father's greatest ever lines was so I was about 11 and I was watching, I don't know, maybe ITV. So it was, what was the one with Snooker?

59:53 - 59:58

That show. So it was Blind Date would be on. Big Break would be on. Big Break with Jim Davidson.

59:58 - 1:00:10

These various shows and my dad sticks his head into the sitting room and watches what I'm watching for 10 seconds and he said it must be Saturday night. The Brits are making fools of themselves.

1:00:10 - 1:00:24

And he just heads off. I mean, it's true. So you've got extra children. I mean, they should play two on two in the basketball turd box. Well, this isn't happening today. They've decided they're going to be watching some crap on TV.

1:00:24 - 1:00:36

So I cooked dinner for Chloe and I. So I steamed some fish, some smoked haddock. Wow, that's grim. And some boiled potatoes, some steamed broccoli, and then I stick a fried egg on top of the fish just for fun.

1:00:36 - 1:00:44

Yep. And that's our dinner. It would only be more Brighton if you'd cooked a Birkenstock. If you had air-fried a Birkenstock.

1:00:44 - 1:00:52

If someone steams a smoked haddock for me, I'm going to say crestfallen. Oh, it's poached it. I poached it.

1:00:52 - 1:00:58

Either way, I'm so polite. What would you do with a smoked haddock? Well, I just wouldn't ever eat it.

1:00:58 - 1:01:08

You wouldn't eat smoked haddock? It's one of the best fish ever. You don't like smoked fish. I'm a very simple person. What's more simple than boiled potatoes and some poached fish and a bit of broccoli? That is as simple as it gets.

1:01:08 - 1:01:14

What do you mean simple? I mean, I want the fish breaded, if I'm really honest. You want the fish breaded?

1:01:14 - 1:01:21

Who are you, Max? What are you, ten? I'm an eight-year-old in a 45-year-old man's body. That's what I give my children is breaded fish.

1:01:21 - 1:01:31

Jan, I hate to be critical here of your parenting. I don't think you do hate it. But do you not have some sympathy for these blow-in urchins?

1:01:31 - 1:01:36

The fact that their mum had to go to hospital. Yes, I've given everyone a cuddle. I forgot to say that.

1:01:36 - 1:01:40

I've come in and I've given everyone a cuddle. Yeah, made them watch Andrew Tate.

1:01:40 - 1:01:52

Make them watch Andrew Tate. Which they're absolutely loving every minute of. And then they mansplain to me afterwards. They go up to me and mansplain. What are you doing with that fish? Let me tell you how to cook fish.

1:01:52 - 1:02:04

Smoke it. Literally roll it in tobacco and smoke it. You probably don't know this, but my children say that to me all the time. You probably don't know this, Mama. I do actually know that already. So then

1:02:04 - 1:02:12

Chloe and I, we eat the fish. We're having text messages with our friend to make sure she's okay. She's in A&E and it's obviously a complete nightmare.

1:02:12 - 1:02:18

Brighton, like most hospitals, complete nightmare. So she's going to be ages. She's like, I'm just waiting to have a scan.

1:02:18 - 1:02:28

We're like, call us when you're ready. We'll pick you up from the hospital, but also come and stay here. The kids are here. They're missing her already. Then it's getting the kids to bed. So

1:02:28 - 1:02:40

Chloe takes our two and I take my friend's two and we go upstairs and I get them into the PJs. Oh no, I've completely forgotten about that. Prior to that, I had to drive them before I finished cooking dinner. Very quickly

1:02:40 - 1:02:46

I went and drove to my friend's house because she wasn't expecting to have an accident.

1:02:46 - 1:02:58

Hang on, is this femur friend or back friend? No, this is back friend. You're a dangerous person to know. I know, tell me about it. Yeah, this cash and these mysterious injuries that these people are...

1:02:58 - 1:03:06

I'm never there when the injury happens, to be clear. Well, I mean, that tells the story. We were saying that can I just make it clear, I was not...

1:03:06 - 1:03:13

Look, just to disclaim it, they're joking just in case anyone's like, this Jembris sounds like a right dodge.

1:03:13 - 1:03:26

These are all jokes. I have to get the boys pyjamas and stuff and all of that gear. So anyway, as I said, she wasn't expecting to go to hospital. Everything is locked and the boys are like, sometimes mum forgets to close the back door, so maybe she's

1:03:26 - 1:03:30

forgotten. And I'm like, I don't think so. And we go, and of course she hasn't.

1:03:30 - 1:03:37

The back door is locked, but the boys' window is open. So you break in.

1:03:37 - 1:03:46

So I break in. Yeah. Did you feel alive? No, because I got my groin caught in the window sash bit.

1:03:46 - 1:04:01

Oh no, and your feet haven't even got to the window. One foot on one side, the other foot on the other. I was cut in two. So hang on, it's a downstairs sash window, so you can therefore pull it up straight up from the bottom.

1:04:01 - 1:04:07

It's upstairs. It's upstairs? It's upstairs. So what have you got, a ladder out of the shed?

1:04:07 - 1:04:21

No, it's a raised garden, so I climbed on top of the patio bit, and then pulled myself up into the window and in. I get in, I let the boys in, they collect all of their stuff, then we go home.

1:04:21 - 1:04:28

Are you worried that someone's going to see you? Like, in a way, there's a way of committing crime that's so brazen.

1:04:28 - 1:04:36

Like, I've had to break people's bike locks a few times on the street. It's pretty easy to break a bike lock if you know, because they've lost the key.

1:04:36 - 1:04:46

But if you do it in such a way where you're like, I'm not robbing it, I'm actually not robbing this, to everyone, which would also be the best way to rob a bike.

1:04:46 - 1:04:55

Sorry, David, how often are you walking past people who have lost their bike, sort of like a bicycle Jack Reacher of Dublin, doing the right things?

1:04:55 - 1:05:06

Using no more sophisticated principle as the law of the lever, most U-locks, if you just get someone to take the front wheel of a bike and the back wheel of a bike,

1:05:06 - 1:05:14

turn the bike upside down and walk in the same direction, it generates enough force just to pop the lock over.

1:05:14 - 1:05:28

Get out! I'd say twice a year I have to rob someone's bike that belongs to them. This is good information, but not good information that we should be putting out there, because that's the lock I use to lock my bike. Yeah, there's a great YouTube

1:05:28 - 1:05:43

hole of people opening bike locks. While you're climbing up a roof, basically, to get through a sash window, are you nervous that the do-gooders of Brighton will all be furiously phoning the neighbourhood watch?

1:05:43 - 1:05:49

Do you know what? I didn't even think about that. I just was trying not to lose a flap. I was like, I just need to get through this window.

1:05:50 - 1:06:04

I was so zoned in on getting inside. I honestly didn't even think about what was happening peripherally around me. Perhaps I should have, actually. I think it was the fact that I was so brazen that I don't think anyone zoned anyone. Yeah. So then

1:06:04 - 1:06:12

I get all the boys' things. They're feeling a bit emotional because they're like, is mum going to be okay? Will we see mummy tonight? And I was like, everything's going to be okay.

1:06:12 - 1:06:16

You are going to see mummy. She's going to come to ours in the morning. She'll give you a big cuddle.

1:06:16 - 1:06:25

Don't worry about it. We get all of their stuff. We go back home. I say to them, now boys, I've just broken into your house, so we keep this to ourselves and we don't tell anyone.

1:06:25 - 1:06:31

This is top secret. And they said, absolutely. And I said, it's so secret we mustn't tell anyone.

1:06:31 - 1:06:35

And then one of the little lads went, but you're talking about it quite loudly outside.

1:06:35 - 1:06:39

I went, okay, that is a good point. You've made a good point and I will start whispering.

1:06:39 - 1:06:47

We go into the house. We open the door. Jen broke into our house! I was like, okay, thanks.

1:06:47 - 1:07:00

Good one, guys. So I get the boys ready. They're getting into bed and I sort them out. I put on an audio book for them and then I...

1:07:00 - 1:07:06

What did you put on? Which one? Was it one of mine? Was it Dangerous Everywhere or The Summer I Robbed a Bank? Two great titles.

1:07:06 - 1:07:12

It was The Summer I Robbed a Bank. Thank you very much, Jen. I'll tell you what it is. It's The Irish Brogue.

1:07:12 - 1:07:16

Thank you. I didn't do the audio book for that one, but no, no, I did.

1:07:16 - 1:07:22

Yes. That would have been really awkward. It sounded like you. It had a slight cold when I recorded it.

1:07:22 - 1:07:28

So it's got quite a husky vibe, that one. But yeah, no one really knows it except me.

1:07:28 - 1:07:34

Nobody knows that when you record an audio book, at the beginning of it, you're like quite into it.

1:07:34 - 1:07:49

And then half a day in, you're fucking furious. Absolutely fucking livid with it. And every now and again, the sound guy, who's not a director of any kind, he's just a person that does the...

1:07:49 - 1:08:04

will stop and go, it's quite monotone. Do you want to express some sort of feeling in that? You're like, I'll express some feeling to you in a minute. When I was the voice of Gaviscon, which I was for ten years, Tom

1:08:04 - 1:08:10

and Tim like food on the go. One gets heartburn, one gets indigestion. Sometimes it's the other way round, or both. I'm actually a bit...

1:08:10 - 1:08:16

Hang on a second. Is that you? People were impressed. I'm a bit starstruck. Yeah, I know.

1:08:16 - 1:08:30

But once I did the voice, and obviously the client and all there, it's just like Toast of London. They were in there, and client says to agency, could you get someone with a slightly more educational voice than that?

1:08:30 - 1:08:37

They hadn't switched it off. They hadn't switched it off. So I was just like, I'm sorry about that.

1:08:37 - 1:08:47

That's what you heard. I heard every word. Jeez, guys. Who said that? It's only indigestion. I mean, it's not a TED talk.

1:08:47 - 1:08:53

No, exactly. My brother is an actor, and he's done a few voiceovers in his time.

1:08:53 - 1:09:11

He knows nothing about computers. And he got his first computer, this is probably about 15 years ago, I think it was a Dell, and he put in this CD ROM about how it works. And it was his own voice explaining to him how to work his computer.

1:09:11 - 1:09:17

No, that is brilliant. No recollection of doing it. I had no idea what any of these words meant.

1:09:17 - 1:09:27

But the worst part was that his own voice had been quite smug. If you're in trouble at any point, press the enter key. The enter key is the large button on the right-hand side.

1:09:27 - 1:09:37

That is gold. I mean, I would absolutely hate to be instructed by me. What an obnoxious prick.

1:09:37 - 1:09:44

Okay, so they're asleep. Are they asleep now? They're asleep. Book. Downstairs. Your. So the kids are upstairs. They're asleep.

1:09:44 - 1:09:48

Or they're not asleep. They're listening to audiobooks. I've said goodnight to my children. I've given them a cuddle.

1:09:49 - 1:09:57

Finally. They're listening to 12 Rules for Life by Jordan Peterson is their audiobook. That's on a loop. We have that.

1:09:57 - 1:10:03

They've joined Andrew Tate's fan club. You get a badge. You get a badge. You get everything.

1:10:03 - 1:10:13

Passwords. You get badges. Gaslight the bitch. That sort of stuff. So we've got all of those pins. We go downstairs. It's nearly 10 o'clock. I'm like, Jesus Christ.

1:10:13 - 1:10:23

What a day. But we're thinking that we might stay up. Not might stay up. We're going to stay up to see how our friend is doing because we want to make sure she's okay. But her battery's going on her phone. So we just

1:10:23 - 1:10:27

send her a text and say, here's our telephone number in case your battery goes and then you need to phone us.

1:10:27 - 1:10:36

Then I said, well, look, ordinarily I'd go to bed now, but I want to make sure that she's okay. So we start watching a movie.

1:10:36 - 1:10:43

Deep Impact? It's called, I mean, again, not upbeat. Fight Club? It's not far off that.

1:10:43 - 1:11:01

It's called The Report. Okay. Starring Adam Driver. And it is about the report that was made about torture of prisoners, not even prisoners, just men that they captured of all ages, of fighting age,

1:11:01 - 1:11:11

by the CIA and how it was done and what they did and how they justified it and the fallout of it. So we're watching that. I fall asleep. I wake up. It's gone midnight. We're like,

1:11:11 - 1:11:17

okay, I think we'll just keep our phones on. Where is she? We've got a text message. She's okay. She's had a text message.

1:11:17 - 1:11:32

Okay. But it's midnight. I'm like, okay, let's keep all our phones on. I normally put it on silent, take our phones up with us to bed and go to sleep and then at some point we hear her come in. Great.

1:11:32 - 1:11:44

We've told her how to get into our house. We've got a key lock and we come downstairs to make sure she's okay and get her into bed and then we go to sleep. And that's all we wanted to know.

1:11:44 - 1:11:49

Wow, there's so much in that day. It's a full day actually, gang. It's not normally that busy.

1:11:49 - 1:11:54

It's such a full day. Breaking into a house. Yeah. There's all the cash. Yeah.

1:11:54 - 1:11:59

There's the cash. There's the lentils. To be clear, the cash is to go on holiday.

1:11:59 - 1:12:12

I mean, I feel like we're really zoning in on the cash here. Jen, it's a day filled with love. You know what I mean? Like this is what I like this and I would put it in direct contrast with Nish Kumar's day, which was a day filled with

1:12:12 - 1:12:33

f***. Whereas yours begins with a cuddle. It ends with helping your friend. You're helping people along the way. I mean, I'm waiting for my MBCD BBC EE from the royal family, which I will not accept because I don't believe the royal family should exist. Before we get

1:12:33 - 1:12:47

into republicanism, it's interesting that what we're trying to work out I think, if you feel that the choices that you have made or if you just had a good day, do you feel that was a nice use of one of the days that you have on earth? I

1:12:47 - 1:12:58

feel like that was a productive day where we got a lot done. I feel like the whole day from the beginning to the end, whilst I didn't really have any time off at all, apart from actually when I made the lentil soup, that was quite short.

1:12:58 - 1:13:11

I've forgotten about that. Let's not forget the lentil soup. That was a good hour and a half making that bloody soup. It shouldn't have taken that long. As I said, these lentils I won't be cooking with them again because I do have days where if you

1:13:11 - 1:13:18

ask me and I'm like, and then I wandered down and I made a cup of tea and then I looked in the fridge. We got lucky actually. We got lucky.

1:13:19 - 1:13:35

Thank you, Jen. Do you have any further questions, David? I like the fact that it says a lot about you and your family that the two kids who came just immediately fitted in. I do like that aspect because personally I was one of those kids who if

1:13:35 - 1:13:46

anything was one degree off, say having to stay with an aunt because like my mum had gone to hospital, I would immediately fake a tummy ache. Do you know what I mean?

1:13:46 - 1:13:53

And I would come downstairs. And then weirdly end up sitting on the couch watching Adam Driver in The Report.

1:13:53 - 1:14:07

Age 10 and then wonder why I was having such strange dreams. I feel it is testament to you and the wonderful Chloe. We've met so many characters along the way. There's Backy,

1:14:07 - 1:14:14

there's Debs. You know what I mean? And it just seems like everything fits together. You come across as an excellent person in this.

1:14:14 - 1:14:22

I know, but I think the PR on this particular episode is strong. But anyone that knows me will be like, this is a bit off.

1:14:22 - 1:14:34

If it was a video podcast, the best possible ending for it would be like in an 80s American sitcom where everyone we've met just waves directly to camera and their name comes up across the bottom.

1:14:34 - 1:14:41

It was a beautiful day and I very much enjoyed listening to it. Thank you very much, Jen.

1:14:41 - 1:14:44

This has been really fun. Thank you, Jen. It's a pleasure. Thank you for having me.

1:14:49 - 1:15:09

So that was Jen Brister. I've really enjoyed this. Breaking into our house and at the end of the day I feel like maybe if we hadn't spent so long right at the start then we'd have had more time on her becoming a thief as the day continued.

1:15:09 - 1:15:14

But it was so long. So let's end now. If you want to get in touch with the show, here's how.

1:15:14 - 1:15:29

To get in touch with the show you can email us at whatdidyoudoyesterdaypod at gmail.com Follow us on Instagram at yesterdaypod and please subscribe and leave a review if you liked it on your preferred podcast platform.

1:15:29 - 1:15:37

And if you didn't, please don't. Thank you, David. Thanks, Max. We'll see you next week. Thanks for listening.

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