EP12: Richard Osman

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Podcasts, there are millions of them. Some might say too many. I have one already.

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I don't have any because there are enough. Politics, business, sport, you name it, there's a podcast about it.

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And they all ask the big questions and cover the hot topics of the day.

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But nobody is covering the most important topic of all. Why is that? Are they scared?

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Too afraid of being censored by the man? Possibly. But not us. We're here to ask the only question that matters.

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We try and say it at the same time, Max. What did you do yesterday?

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What did you do yesterday? That's it. All we're interested in is what the guests got up to yesterday.

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Nothing more. Day before yesterday, Max? Nope. The greatest and most interesting day of your life?

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Unless it was yesterday, we don't want to know about it. I'm Max Rushden. And I'm David O'Doherty.

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Welcome to What Did You Do Yesterday? Hello and welcome to episode, is it 12, David?

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Yeah. 12, wow. We've gone once around the clock. Do you know what I always say, Max?

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A stopped clock is right once all 12 episodes of What Did You Do Yesterday? That was from with Nath and I, wasn't it?

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They said that. Hey, do you want some feedback? No, I've got a great welcome.

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Welcome to What Did You Do Yesterday, listeners? The podcast where you, eventually we're going to get to you, I think eventually we will get to everyone, because my theory is that we're going to have eternal life because we will become so successful.

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We'll just be able to keep our bodies going like that American CEO guy who looks horribly ill, and then we will run out of my friends.

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We will run out of them soon, and then we'll run out of your friends, and then all the big celebs, and then it's just going to be punters, and then we'll go through all of them.

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So if you're listening to this So are you suggesting that everyone has eternal life, or there'll be this weird moment where just the really big hitting podcasters are given a granted eternal life?

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So there's us. We're in a four-bed dorm with Joe Rogan and Micah Richards, and Tom Holland, Osmond Holland.

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They're down the road with your CEO man and Jake Humphrey, and then we all meet for breakfast, living forever.

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We're in a four-bed dorm with Joe Rogan and Micah Richards, and Tom Holland, Osmond Holland.

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Talking about our podcasts. Shut up, John Sopel and Rory Stewart. We're trying to have our beans.

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Louise says, the Hoover attachments. This is why I love this pod. It really gets down to the nitty gritty.

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I enjoyed the Hoover discussion with Jamali Mannix. It was a moment where I thought, this is where the other podcasts will move on quickly.

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And oh no. My friend. Bethan messaged me to say that she bought a Hoover on a whim.

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I knew others would. The way that Jamali Mannix described his Hoover, though, is was that almost like a sort of submachine gun.

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There was the nozzles were somehow you didn't have to. So my nozzles are all in a bag on top of the washing machine, whereas it seemed like his nozzles, whatever problem he encountered, it would just be like, click, click, click,

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click, click, click. Yeah. Kirstie says, hi, Max and David. I couldn't tell whether or not it was a joke, but I just had to email you to beg you to get Stefan Edberg on the podcast.

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Please, please, please. I need to know what he did yesterday. Thank you for your consideration.

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Stefan, if you're listening, we are very interested. I mean, what we'll do is we'll do it comedians to start with, to sort of bed in.

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Yeah. Then I think if we went straight to tennis players of the 90s, I think it could be a rich theme.

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Henri Leconte. That's who I want. Guy Forget. Not so good. Yes. I've no idea who Max Rushden is.

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He sounds like an old 80s DJ. Let David do the talking. At least he's funny.

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Let me do the talking. Yes. And Linz XZ. And actually, I find the three-star reviews sort of more damning than the one-star reviews.

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Totally. It's odd to give something three stars, isn't it? You love something or you hate it and you go, right, I'll review this.

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But someone is like, I don't mind about this. In stand-up comedy, the worst review is the three-star.

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At least with the two or the one, you can kind of be like, well, this person is just an idiot.

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Whereas the three-star, they've had a good think about it. And generally, there's always something in a three-star that needles you.

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What's this three-star saying? Good background pod. Easy to listen to. We haven't made it difficult to listen to.

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That is true. There are no obstructions if you have headphones or not even. If you get it, we've certainly made no barriers to listening to it.

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Easy to listen. And good background for a Sunday morning. Fed up with all the chat about the fictional Nish episode at the beginning.

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It's not funny anymore, guys. It certainly wasn't funny to listen to it while it was being recorded.

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No, and it's not funny. The legal paperwork that we have to go through to try.

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We want to bring it to air. But, you know, it's a difficult time for those kind of podcasts.

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You know, sometimes when you see people go into the high court and they have like a trolley with boxes with pages in it.

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Well, this is our barrister has a forklift. Right. Today's guest is, says here, a titan of British broadcasting and beyond.

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Richard Osman. It's Richard Osman today. Good friend of yours. And like him and I have an occasional DM relationship.

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So, like, I'm in the room here. Like, you know, this isn't, I'm not a gooseberry.

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I'm in the room, guys. Yeah, but is it one of these ones where it turns out halfway through the episode that it's always during lockdown at 4 a.m. one night,

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you emailed him and asked him if you could take over hosting Pointless or something like that?

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Anyway, look, I don't know how much we need to introduce who Richard Osman is.

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Everybody knows who he is. He's like an incredibly successful author, game show host, TV presenter.

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TV producer. He's turned to gold. Yeah, producer as well. Yeah. Everything he touches turns to gold.

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And who knows, maybe this is the one. This is the moment. It's the first thing he is involved with that isn't critically acclaimed.

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He also hosts the hit podcast The Rest Is Entertainment with Marina Hyde. The Thursday Murder Club is being adapted into a Hollywood film by Steven Spielberg.

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Maybe this episode will be adapted by Steven Spielberg. It'll be fun. Anyway, here it is.

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Here is what Richard – oh, this is actually the most controversial. Controversial episode to date that has gone to air.

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It's worth saying that. Wow. It is what Richard Osman did yesterday. Enjoy it. Richard Osman, welcome to What Did You Do Yesterday?

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Hello, everybody. Welcome. It's very good to have you on the podcast. I think it's important to point out now that you're an ideas man.

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A lot of people are saying you've only come on because you see this as the next blankety-blank, but we are not for sale.

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But they're not telling you what blankety-blank stands for. Because I'm telling you now that that is what I see it as.

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It's the next blank or blankety-blank. Max, are you in Australia? Yeah, I'm in Australia.

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That's crazy. But do you know what? That makes a mockery of what did you do yesterday?

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Well, no, because it is the same day. We are all on the same day.

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It's later in my day. That's why we can't – We can never record in the evening UK time, morning Australia time.

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It's a good point you make, because then we would be talking about different yesterdays.

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Yeah, I feel like you tied yourself in knots there. We really stick to the principles of this podcast.

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It's very strictly laid down, and God damn it, we will not break those rules.

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Normally, Richard, we have – I mean, the wrong term is one-trick ponies on this podcast.

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Because there's two of you. No, I'm not talking about us. I'm talking about the guys.

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I got you. Sam Campbell, you know what I mean? Yeah, one-trick pony. One of the great minds.

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But he doesn't have the stuff that you've got on. You're inventing new soups probably in the afternoon.

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The exciting thing is I'm hoping that Richard did absolutely nothing yesterday. But the only way we'll find out is by asking some big questions.

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So, Richard Osmond, when did you wake up yesterday? I see how this podcast works now.

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D.O.D. just says what he wants, and you do the actual – Listen, I'm here on a fact-finding mission.

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I have no interest in entertainment. I just want to find out the facts. David goes a bit whimsy, and at some point I say, David, we're an hour in.

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It's only four in the afternoon. You've got to crack on. And he says, I have one more question about Phillips screwdrivers.

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And I'm like, we don't have time for this. Richard, Max's dream is that this podcast is seven minutes long.

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We whip through it. Bang, bang, bang. We get to do six people in one hour.

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That would be his dream. But I'm here. That was like Terry Wogan. If you ever had – I don't want to show.

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He came on Would I Lie To You Once. And after half an hour, I just literally started looking at his watch.

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Just going, sure we're done. What time did you wake up, Richard? What time did I wake up?

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I woke up at 7 a.m. Was that an alarm or was it just natural?

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Well, here's the thing. We have a new kitten. Wow. Oh, congratulations. Oh, thank you.

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That's very kind of you. So we've had a cat for a while, Liesl, who is, I've got to say, the most chilled cat you could ever meet in your life.

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But we thought maybe Liesl needs a little bit of company. And some friends of ours were fostering a pregnant cat and had kittens, which often follows.

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There was a tiny little girl cat who was the runt of a litter. She had four brothers.

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She was constantly bullied, and we just saw a picture of her. And we thought, oh, we're going to take her.

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And that's Lottie. And we just thought this would be lovely for Liesl, a bit of company.

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You know, it's nice. It's fair to say that Lottie has main character energy. She is very much one of, you know, these human beings, very much one of those, guys, guys, what are we doing next?

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What's next? Come on, guys, what are we doing next? And we are not a, guys, what are you doing next household?

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We're a, guys, let's watch an episode of Bergerac household. So she's really changed the equilibrium of the house.

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I'll say that with her manic kitten energy. So I have friends who have an elderly dog, Olive.

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So they got a new dog to reinvigorate Olive's vibe in Olive's latter years. Olive has now hated the new dog for two years, like literally never spoken to the new dog.

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Never spoken, literally, Olive has never spoken to the new dog. And is the new dog really trying?

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The new dog's come up with bullet points, suggestions, things they could have in common.

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Literally, I've put together a PowerPoint. Olive, there's just a few things we could chat about.

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Next door, I saw a cat in the car earlier. And Olive's like, Olive keeps doing the little zip thing across her mouth with her paw.

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How does Liesel feel? I'm sorry to take the side of Liesel. All of you have gone with the new cat.

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I want to know how the incumbent feels. We're all on Liesel's side. So Liesel, it's fascinating because Liesel is super chilled.

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And Lottie is very excited about everything, which is sort of nice. A nice character trait in some ways.

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But Liesel will be asleep somewhere, and Lottie will climb onto a shelf above her and jump on her and go, oh, come on.

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Come on. But this is good, isn't it? And you just see Liesel just sort of sigh.

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She becomes so human. She literally sighs, just side-eyes Lottie and just walks away and hides in a cupboard.

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But then 10 minutes later, she'll pad downstairs, Liesel, and go, has anyone seen Lottie? Lottie around.

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So there is love there. There really is love there. And occasionally they'll sort of curl up together.

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It's very cute. But yeah, Lottie is bringing a new energy to the house. And that's not necessarily a bad thing.

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Question. Yes. Why do we choose Lottie? Is it National Lottery? Is that what you do?

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Do you put the numbers in the litter tray and whatever ones that she plops on, you go with?

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That would be the National Lottery. Why did you go with Lottie? Well, Liesel is called Liesel.

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My wife called her Liesel because she's a fan of The Sound of Music and her full name is Liesel Von Katt.

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Anyway, Richard, come on. We're not even awake yet. It's seven o'clock and I presume Lottie has jumped on you.

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That's what's happened. No, because they're locked out of the room. But certainly. Certainly, Lottie is jumping at speed at the door.

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Got it. She can literally leap like, I mean, I guess Carl Lewis, but a high jumper would be a better.

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Who's a famous? Sotomayor. Sotomayor, yeah. Yeah, yeah. She's the Sotomayor of cats. She leaps like the Cuban whirlwind Sotomayor at the door.

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Richard. Yes. Have you said to Lottie the previous evening, tomorrow morning, we've got a big plan.

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You know what I mean? Is there a specific thing that she's excited about or just generally the concept of life just, fill her with this much enthusiasm?

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She is excited that you can split people in the human race into two tribes.

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People who are excited about the next five minutes and people who try to do nothing for the next five minutes.

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And she is very, very much, she cannot believe, I mean, what on earth is going to happen next in this fight?

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I mean, there could be anything. There's something on the floor. I could chase that around.

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Listen, we love her. But part of us thinks maybe she might calm down a tiny bit because she's only five months old, God bless her.

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She does listen to this. She does listen to this podcast, just so you know, because she was sending quite a lot of Max Rushden abuse in last week.

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So just be careful. As I say, she has good sides. Whereas Liesl, is Liesl von Kapp just downstairs chilling or is she encouraged to come up to try and wake you up?

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Well, they both know, well, Liesl knows that as soon as one of us is up, she's going to get food.

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And so you'll sort of open the door after about the fifth attempt at Lottie to blam it open, if you can blam it open.

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If you can blam it more open, which I think you can. And so Lottie will be doing that and Liesl will just be sitting at the top of the stairs looking like she's innocent.

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And you think you could have stopped it. You're bigger than Lottie. Absolutely you could have stopped her doing that.

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But you know that Lottie doing that means we'll wake up and you won't get the blame.

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Okay, so Lottie goes to the fifth attempt at the door. Do you get up?

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Does Mrs. Osman get up? What happens? By and large, I will. And I get up, I have to feed the cats.

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And if you want to know what an alpha Lottie is, is this interesting? Yeah.

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How many times do people on this podcast say to you, is this interesting? Yeah, a lot, a lot.

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Never ask that question. Number one rule of this podcast, never ask that question. Not this early.

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A couple of times about an hour and a half in, someone's going, God, I had a shit day.

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This is a terrible day. You could have got me another day. But no, I'm interested.

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They have separate feeding bowls, okay? And Lottie's on one side of the kitchen island and Liesel's on the other side of the kitchen island.

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You feed cats separately. And Liesel's one, she always eats out of. And absolutely, any time you put any food in Liesel's bowl, we'll just go straight up to it and start eating.

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To the extent that Liesel just started going, do you know what? I'm just going to go around to the other side and eat out of your bowl, Lottie.

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So they've completely swapped. So Lottie has become top dog, but they're still getting the same amount of top dog amongst the cats.

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Can I ask, have you dressed to feed the cats? Or have you just got up and gone straight?

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I don't know if you, maybe it's a bungalow. Are you going downstairs? These are the things we need to know.

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I live in a bungalow. Yeah. Could do. I have stairs which we had made, and they're too steep, is the truth.

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They're design over use. I'll say that. They're very pretty. But actually, just every morning, you think, oh, these could be a little less steep.

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So they impress, as when people come over for dinner, they're really impressed at the sheer sort of gravity of the staircase.

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Yeah, they go, wow, those stairs are amazing. Yeah, you want to try climbing them, mate?

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If you love them so much, walk up them. Do you have to have like an ice axe?

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Do you have to like? Exactly. Every morning, it's crampons. Richard, as a, as a TV formats man, do you think there might be a format in, put some very low cameras in the kitchen,

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shoot the cats from low? Shoot the cats? So they effectively have a sort of Saturday kitchen for cats, maybe get a host cat, that sort of a thing.

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Saturday kitty catching. Yeah, Saturday kitchen for cats, okay, sure. I mean, I've hosted worse TV shows this year.

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Me too. It'd literally just be sort of cats in bow ties, sort of eating raw pigeons.

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Like gin. Yeah. People asking if it's nice or not. And then Olly Smith coming along with some wine that matches it.

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Were you dressed when you fed Lottie? Answer the question. Yes, like dressing gown dressed for sure.

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Dressing gown, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, and so we've got to move on, David.

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We don't know if his dressing gown has a hood. Ah, that's a good point.

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Like a boxer. It's interesting, Max, because I get that you want to push things on.

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I get it, I understand that. And listen, you've worked with David for a while now, so your tether, oh, you must be so near the end of it.

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No, I'm here for life. I really, I am so invested in this and I really enjoy David's company.

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But it really means that you do miss out on things sometimes, like the hood question.

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No, good point. No. Okay. Does it have R-O? Is it like a football manager?

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It does, actually. It does? It does, yeah. I mean, in a sort of comedy way.

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Okay. My wife has a Richard Osmond's House of Games golden dressing gown. I have to say she does not wear it often, but she won it on the show.

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She has got that, that, that, and a golden baseball cap. That's nepotism, and that's TV all over, isn't it?

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You're in your dressing gown, you've fed the cats. What's happening now, Richard? I take a coffee up to my lady wife.

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Wow. What's the machine? Rosemary DeFeo has one called an Aroma Boy. Really? An Aroma Boy?

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Yeah. Okay, it's not that. I think it's a DeLonghi. Yeah. A DeLonghi, okay. I don't drink coffee.

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Really interesting. They're good for toasters, kettles, everything. So tell you what we've got. We've got one of those boiling hot taps.

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You know the things. Oh, wow. The crooker tap. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I kind of like it.

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But whenever someone comes around and you want to make them a cup of tea, it feels like making a cup of tea should be like a nice thing you're doing for somebody.

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It should be like, oh, it's lovely to have you in the house. Let me make you a cup of tea.

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With this, you just literally take three seconds. It doesn't feel special. So it's really taken away that bit of hospitality for me.

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Do you think in many ways, obviously it's good that you've got that, the books, it was worth writing the books so you could have an automatic boiling water thing.

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Hot water tap. But you may. You may lose friends over time because you can never go, I'll just pop the kettle on.

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I think I lose a bit of my soul for sure. Right. For sure. And we only have so many bits.

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And, you know, over life you lose bits and you get to a certain age where you think, well, how many bits have I got left?

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Eight. Yeah. You know, so you've got to be careful. We've stumbled upon an interesting philosophical question here, though, which is, is tea actually nice?

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And I say this as a tea drinker, but because I enjoy the ceremony of Max and I when this podcast takes off, I've no doubt we'll have various taps with various specific heats of water coming out of all of them.

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I'll have a Tizer one as well. Oh, Tizer tap. A Tizer tap, yeah. I'm TV's Max Rushden.

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Have you tried the new Tizer tap? But it is an interesting question, is it not, that yes, I enjoy the placing the bag in the thing, the boiling of the thing, the standing there,

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the reboiling it because you missed it, et cetera. But do I fundamentally enjoy a cup of tea?

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It's an interesting thought, you guys. I think I do. Yeah, I think I do, yeah.

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I think that herbal teas are always disappointing because it always says strawberry, like strawberry and lychee.

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You go, oh, this will be delicious. And it's got just the faintest hint maybe of a tiny bit of strawberry somewhere.

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But you kid yourself because it feels healthy. I think tea is a good drink.

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I think that sometimes if I drink Diet Coke, I think anthropologically when people look back, they'll go, sorry, what was this Coca-Cola thing that everyone was drinking for like a whole century?

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It isn't anything. And yet, and yet. I know, I know, yeah. It's dark, a black liquid.

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Like the first, so apparently, I mean, there's various tales of my family. My great-grandparents were stowaways on a ship because they had been shot at by the army in 1921.

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And so they ended up in Philadelphia for three years. And apparently, my great-grandfather was offered, do you want to bring this?

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A man from Georgia was there and said, do you want to bring this drink to Europe, to the people of Europe?

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This black, treacly liquid. And he said, are you joking? Like, obviously no one will ever drink this.

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In which case, I would not be here. I would be in a bath with 35 taps around me with all different beverages.

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One of them being the Coca-Cola that I was drinking. That had made me a squazillionaire.

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Okay, you're dressing gowns on, you've taken a coffee up to Mrs. Osman. Yeah. Because, like, we've got to get a rattle on David because Richard, there's so many things he could have done.

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I know, okay, fine. We won't find out. Let's get focused here. Buy me front-loading, you'll have worked out I did not have a busy day.

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Okay. If I had a busy day, I'd be rattling through this, I promise you.

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I like the non-busy days, okay. Yeah, if I'd done astronaut training, I'd be like, yeah, and then we had a cup of coffee and then, anyway, then I went to Moscow.

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Whatever Richard's doing, it's the opposite of click-baiting. That's what he's doing. No, it is click-baiting, but the click is off.

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Okay, so you've taken a tea up to Mrs. Osmond, a coffee, excuse me. Come on, man.

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Do you stay with her or do you leave her to coffee alone and you go downstairs?

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No, we will often do the New York Times spelling bee. There's the crossword, there's the word, all that stuff, but the spelling bee we'll do in the morning competitively.

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Who won this morning? She got to genius first and then we had to team up at the very end to get to queen bee.

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I don't know if you know how the rules of spelling bee works. No, I could spell genius and queen bee is what I was thinking.

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They're not difficult to spell, but I presume they're not. Spell bee. B-E-E. No, it's just the letter B.

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Sorry, I'm so sorry. I lose the speedboat. Richard, I've never bothered to learn the rules of it.

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It's just like Wordle is obvious enough how to do this, but the fact that spelling bee involves reading maybe three sentences.

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Yeah. I just don't have that sort of time in my life. It's sort of one of those word dial things, but slightly more complicated.

22:57 - 23:01

It's very good. It's very addictive. Good way to start the morning. You don't do connections?

23:01 - 23:09

Yes, I do connections. Okay, fine. We shouldn't, of course, because it feels like it's ripped off Only Connect, but that's for their lawyers to worry about.

23:09 - 23:16

Yeah, but it's easier, isn't it? It's easier because no one real has ever been able to answer any questions on Only Connect.

23:16 - 23:28

That's embarrassing. The connections you can do. A friend of mine, Richard, Kumail Nanjiani, known for being, in Marvel movies, a wonderful stand-up comedian, had that thing that a lot of Americans have,

23:28 - 23:34

where he was just intimidated by British culture and they're all going to be so smart.

23:34 - 23:40

And on his first night in London, he puts on the TV and Only Connect is on.

23:40 - 23:54

And because it's on at the same time as Jeopardy or one of those shows in America, he thinks this is the default level of a quiz in Britain and almost feels scared to leave.

23:54 - 24:00

The apartment after this, because he's not going to be able to hold a conversation with anyone in a shop, he turns the TV off.

24:00 - 24:06

As luck would have it, a few hours later, he pops it on and Naked Attraction is on.

24:06 - 24:12

And he immediately changes his opinion of Britain, British people and British culture. So, yeah.

24:12 - 24:17

I went on Only Connect once. They did like a children in need one. So I played it.

24:17 - 24:23

How'd you go? Do you know what I did? The wall, the connecting thing, it had like football grounds in it.

24:23 - 24:29

So I was, I was all right with that. And then in the missing words round, it was some of them were Paul Simon's 50 ways to leave your lover.

24:29 - 24:33

So I aced that as well. So I was able, with those two bits of knowledge and there was a snooker question.

24:33 - 24:43

Let me just, I know we need to get, we're still at maybe 8am here, but Richard's the only person who will truly appreciate this.

24:43 - 24:59

I say someone as the runner up on Charity Mastermind. It does annoy me how we debased the great tradition slightly by having, slightly, well, here's what really annoys me is my specialised topic,

24:59 - 25:05

first 100 years of the Tour de France, an actual academic topic. Nikesh Patel beat me by one point.

25:05 - 25:15

What was his topic? Scrubs. I don't think so. Scrubs. I don't think that's not a legitimate area of specialisation.

25:15 - 25:22

People often say this and if you look, I once looked at the first series of Mastermind and actually they have very, very lowbrow things on that as well.

25:22 - 25:27

It's always been the case. There's always some that, that very flashy and showboaty, but there's always been the equivalent of Scrubs.

25:27 - 25:34

Yeah. Even with Magnusson? Even with, with Magnus Magnusson. Wow. My friend, Tim Hinks, always makes me laugh.

25:34 - 25:43

He read, he had Magnus Magnusson's autobiography in the charity shop or something. And in the introduction, Magnus Magnusson tells a story that sort of self-depreciating story.

25:43 - 25:47

And at the end goes, I tell you what, I certainly didn't feel like Mastermind that day.

25:47 - 25:53

And Tim goes, yeah, you're not Mastermind mate. You're host Mastermind, you're not Mastermind. You're Mastermind.

25:53 - 25:57

You're literally, you ask the questions. Right. So I don't even know where you've gone downstairs.

25:57 - 26:02

No, you've done the spelling bee. Yeah, I'll still be upstairs doing spelling bee. Spelling bee.

26:02 - 26:06

Then in the morning I wrote, I've just started the fifth Thursday murder club book.

26:06 - 26:13

Oh, now this is something good stuff. Okay, great. I haven't spoken to anyone about it yet.

26:13 - 26:16

No, no, no. I want to talk. Do you have a little shed like Roald Dahl?

26:16 - 26:22

Do you write it on your phone? You know what I mean? Do you? Yeah, David, I write my novels on my phone.

26:22 - 26:33

Yeah. That's what I do. God, your son must be in agony. It's ridiculous. My notes are just, I'm just scrolling up to 90,000 words, but yeah, pretty much all on my phone.

26:33 - 26:36

And then I have to edit it on my phone, which is such a pain.

26:36 - 26:44

Do you? Send it with screenshots to my editor. Okay, here's 45,000 screenshots for you. Okay.

26:44 - 26:49

Do you write in clumps of time? Yes. Do you say two hours? Do you say one hour?

26:49 - 26:53

Do you say 45 minutes? How long? What I try and do, I write quite short chapters.

26:53 - 26:56

So I try and write, I write a chapter a day just so I, cause I'm quite goal oriented.

26:56 - 27:00

So I think I've got a beginning, middle and end. I know where I want to go with this chapter.

27:00 - 27:05

And so I do that. And over the years, that's become two hours, 1200 words, something like that.

27:05 - 27:13

Anyone at home is writing a book. That's the only key. Even if you've got a busy job or young family, if you can do 200 words a day, 500 words a day,

27:13 - 27:20

whatever it is, if you keep doing it, like going to the gym, it's one of those things that after three months you go, hold on, I've got like 25,000 words.

27:20 - 27:24

Yeah. Of all the creative things you can do. I mean, writing a book is so, so difficult.

27:24 - 27:29

It really takes a huge amount of time, but all you can do is day by day.

27:29 - 27:31

All you can do is I do a thousand words at a time, thousand words at a time.

27:31 - 27:39

So yeah, I'll do two hours and I won't be tempted to do more. I won't be tempted to go back and look at yesterday's work or anything like that.

27:39 - 27:44

Cause well, cause that's most of your time already gone and you get to the end and then you go back.

27:44 - 27:49

You don't change as you go along because when you get to the end of the book, you know what's happened in the book.

27:49 - 27:56

Loads of things have happened. You didn't know what happened in chapter two. And so people who, endlessly rewrite the first chapter cause they want it perfect.

27:56 - 28:01

That's what I do. Just do not do it because actually when you get to the end of the book, you'll probably find that isn't even going to be your first chapter.

28:01 - 28:07

You'll have found that so much more about your story and about your characters that you have to do the vomit draft, which is the first one.

28:07 - 28:11

Yeah. And then go back and then do the draft that people will actually see.

28:11 - 28:16

During COVID. I thought, well, Richard Osman's written this book and he's just a guy off TV.

28:16 - 28:23

So I'm going to write a detective novel. I wrote a page, detective Wilson based on the football journalist, Jonathan Wilson.

28:23 - 28:27

He was, the first one of these doing good job with a good attitude, right?

28:27 - 28:33

He played by the rules, right? And it's so bad, right? It's so bad that we performed it on stage.

28:33 - 28:38

It was called, there was a body on a slab. Like it was just like everything was like fucking awful.

28:38 - 28:45

It's unbelievable how bad it is. And fortunately I deleted all my files off my old laptop.

28:45 - 28:49

So it has gone forever. I think it's a good thing for reasons we needn't go into.

28:49 - 28:53

Yeah. Well, of course. Yeah. Cause I, I had to delete my social media. Of course.

28:53 - 28:59

Cause I'm going to be arrested in 20 years for some terrible things. Richard. Yes. What are the difficulties?

28:59 - 29:07

And I have written seven books, but they are mostly kids books. One of them was fake facts about sharks.

29:07 - 29:13

So did not get a book or a nod for it. It's slightly disappointed. I really thought it had something.

29:13 - 29:23

But what are the difficulties of contemporary life with writing books is you write a book generally on a laptop, which is also what I call the information superpower.

29:23 - 29:32

Highway connector. It'd be like, if you could only play chess on a Ferrari while driving, that's a bad metaphor, but I think you understand.

29:32 - 29:37

That's a really bad metaphor. And also we established that David actually would write a book on his phone.

29:37 - 29:42

So he's saying he runs that type of, we know he'd be on a Nokia 8210.

29:42 - 29:47

Your entire book is emojis and messages to your mom. How do you not check?

29:47 - 29:53

Do you have a laptop that's not connected to wifi? What's the secret? On a, on a, what'd you call?

29:53 - 29:58

Something that's just like a computer typewriter. No, like a computer, but there's not a laptop.

29:58 - 30:04

What do we call those? Desktop desktop. Yeah. So I write on a desktop. If I'm writing, I'm writing.

30:04 - 30:07

That's it. From the second I hit the first button, I wouldn't look at anything.

30:07 - 30:12

I'm not a big researcher. I don't do stuff like that. Particularly. I just write, write, write.

30:12 - 30:16

And then at the end, I can do whatever I want. Marion keys, the wonderful Irish writer.

30:16 - 30:22

Thank you. The mother of Richard. Mother of Richard keys. Yeah. The mother of Richard keys and Madison keys, the tennis player.

30:22 - 30:29

She, I said that when she starts writing, she likes a candle. She said, and that marks the point between I'm not writing.

30:29 - 30:36

And I am writing, which actually it sounds wooey, but actually works beautifully. I wrote her a message saying, Oh, I love that idea about the candle.

30:36 - 30:40

And two days later, a little package in the post, a candle from Marion keys.

30:40 - 30:46

That's nice, isn't it? Wow. So yeah, I'll always light a candle before that. My wife bought me a Bob Ross day calendar.

30:46 - 30:49

So it was turn over the day on the day calendar and see what Bob Ross has painted.

30:49 - 31:01

You know, he's the guy who does the painting thing on sky. Interestingly, you can't light a candle around Richard keys because his arms are so hairy that it's actually massive fire risk.

31:01 - 31:04

Really? That's on the form. Is it? If you work with him, I've got some admin questions.

31:04 - 31:08

Yes. Did you get dressed before you did your writing? Yes. I got dressed before I did my writing.

31:08 - 31:13

You know what? Occasionally I won't. If I'm near a deadline and I know I just, I don't want to prevaricate at all.

31:13 - 31:16

I don't want to sit and watch an episode of Frasier. I have to go straight up.

31:16 - 31:20

I have to write straight away. Then I might go off my dressing gown just to sort of say, do you know what?

31:20 - 31:24

We're not getting up today. We're not doing it. We are literally just, going and doing that.

31:24 - 31:32

But by and large, I would get changed. Then Lottie comes up, of course, and sits on the windowsill where, I tell you what, who used to sit on the windowsill?

31:32 - 31:39

Liesl. Now Lottie sits on the windowsill and watches me work. So this wasn't a writing day in the RO dressing gown.

31:39 - 31:44

You were dressed. Did you take any snacks with you? I took some dried mango with me and a cup of tea.

31:44 - 31:48

Okay. And I have those immediately before I start writing, by the way. Of course.

31:48 - 31:51

I think I'll take them up because, you know, I'm writing for two hours and that was sustenance.

31:51 - 31:55

The first thing I do is eat my snack. And drink my drink. And then I start working.

31:55 - 32:01

Like I'm on a school bus with a lunchbox. No, I get it. Are you worried that Lottie could be AI?

32:01 - 32:12

And the reason she sits up there is she's from a rival publisher and she's downloading with her eyes, the stuff that you're writing and they're going to get it out just before this book comes out.

32:12 - 32:20

I think if she is AI, she's massively malfunctioning. I would say, I think it would be a slightly simpler machine that they built.

32:20 - 32:26

It would not be climbing curtains. I don't think. Planted, by Grisham, the AI. Yes, exactly.

32:26 - 32:29

Okay. So you did two hours. Do you reckon you did a good chapter yesterday?

32:29 - 32:37

Yeah, it's the new book. So I'm only about seven or 8,000 words in. So you're really feeling your way at that stage of it.

32:37 - 32:42

So you're almost writing chapters where you're getting to meet new characters and having them have conversations.

32:42 - 32:48

And because I don't really plan my plots particularly. So the early chapters are me thinking, I wonder what would happen if.

32:48 - 32:54

And so it was one of those sorts of chapters. I came up with something I really like that I know I'm going to use later in the book is one of those things.

32:54 - 33:02

So in the middle of writing this scene, one of the characters says something. This is why I always find plots and ideas from one of the characters says something that was slightly unusual.

33:02 - 33:06

I thought, oh, but if that was true, then wouldn't this be true as well?

33:06 - 33:09

And it gave me like a really good idea for the middle of the book.

33:09 - 33:14

And that keeps me excited for it. Cause I know, I know there's fun stuff coming up and it's just me meeting the character.

33:14 - 33:19

So yeah, I think it was a fairly successful day yesterday. Was the thing that the character said, what's up?

33:19 - 33:24

And now you're just using loads of phrases from beer commercials from the 90s. Yes.

33:24 - 33:33

Oh my God. Wait a minute. Have you been talking to Lottie? Yeah. Okay. So listen, I was saying half 10, it's half 10 and you've done your writing for the day.

33:33 - 33:37

No, no, no. I think I probably went up at about quarter past nine, I would say.

33:37 - 33:43

So I would say quarter past 11, half 11, maybe. Okay. And so you leave the writing room.

33:43 - 33:46

Maybe catch up on my emails before I go downstairs. Just a little bit of admin.

33:46 - 33:50

It's always something in there. Do love admin. Is this a room free of distractions though?

33:50 - 33:57

Yeah. Similar to Roald Dahl's tiny, tiny, chad. Or is there is actually quite a lot of interesting stuff.

33:57 - 34:03

Have you created a zero crack zone such that you can concentrate? It's pretty free of distractions.

34:03 - 34:06

I would say it's got like nice pictures on the wall and things like that.

34:06 - 34:10

Yeah. But there's, you know, I don't have like a pinball machine. Yeah. You know, I don't have a PlayStation up there.

34:10 - 34:16

You're not playing air hockey with Lottie. Oh, we've got air hockey. All right. I'm interested in the Osman inbox.

34:16 - 34:22

Do you have like 11,000 messages or are you like your inbox is pretty much clear?

34:22 - 34:26

I'm always amazed when people, when people do their screenshots on Twitter, this is, they've got 4,800 messages.

34:26 - 34:30

You want to go, but who from? Yeah. What on earth are you talking about?

34:30 - 34:35

Presumably you're not signing up for stuff you don't want to open so that, you know, this shouldn't, Oh, what's DOD got now?

34:35 - 34:47

24,492. But from who? Mostly Amazon package has left the depot. Were you saying you open all of those and then furiously read them?

34:47 - 34:53

No, no, I, every now and again, I'll just delete a few. I'm on 15, 15 in my inbox.

34:53 - 34:56

I looked this morning. I went on about 80 odd and I was thinking, Oh, that needs a little bit of a trim.

34:56 - 35:03

It's a trim. Yeah. I leave everything in the inbox. 86 I'm on. If it's still in my inbox, it means I've got to action something.

35:03 - 35:07

I've got to do something. Otherwise it's out the door. I do the thing occasionally of filter by unread.

35:07 - 35:10

And then I go through and I'll be like, okay, get rid of these ones.

35:10 - 35:18

I didn't need them. 24,000. Yeah. I just, that's mental. We're different guys. I have a very happy life.

35:18 - 35:23

And one day I will find some time. Come on, be honest with us now.

35:23 - 35:30

Okay, let's move on with the day. So we have done. No, hang on. I just want to know, was you sent some emails?

35:30 - 35:34

Was one email like, this is a big email to send or is all pretty like humdrum stuff?

35:34 - 35:37

Let me have a little look at my sent emails from you. So don't send a lot.

35:37 - 35:41

Yeah, that should be good. Oh, I had to send something to my accountants for VAT.

35:41 - 35:49

Okay. Yeah. Is that interesting? No, no. I had to confirm a lunch that I was about to go to, which you're about to hear about.

35:49 - 35:55

Oh, wow. I mean, not much. I tend to keep it light. And is it richardosman at gmail.com?

35:55 - 36:00

Because people think famous people, you know, but actually it is just richardosman at gmail.com.

36:00 - 36:05

I'm still a Hotmail guy. Are you? We were sending out invitations for something the other day.

36:05 - 36:10

And it's amazing. There's still people on btinternet.com. I respect anyone who's still with Hotmail.

36:10 - 36:19

I'm like clinging on. But no, I think if you were forward thinking enough to get your own name, which we were able to do, people at our age, Hotmail or something like that,

36:19 - 36:23

your actual own name, then keep hold of it. I don't have my own name at Gmail.

36:23 - 36:28

Years ago, I emailed like Dave at Hotmail.com just to congratulate them on getting that.

36:28 - 36:35

No response. I did try to get Richard Osman at Hotmail.com, but it's like a dentist or something in America.

36:35 - 36:38

And I wrote to him. I said, do you use this? And he went, yeah.

36:38 - 36:44

I was like, okay, nice to meet you. A bit of me thought, because we've got the same name, there might be some connection.

36:44 - 36:56

But yeah, there wasn't really. No, no. And it was absolutely fair enough. Most of my 24,000 unread emails are to other David O'Doherty's around the world just trying to start up conversation with them.

36:56 - 37:02

There's a human rights barrister, let's not forget, in Australia called David O'Doherty. Let's not forget.

37:02 - 37:07

And there was a guy who discovered one of the highest prime numbers ever. And he.

37:07 - 37:15

Seven? He got davidO'Doherty.com and he is stuck with davidO'Doherty.net. Wow. What a loser.

37:15 - 37:18

Okay. So you've done your writing, you've done your email. What time is this, Richard?

37:18 - 37:24

Yeah, I think it probably by the time I'm back downstairs, it might be 1130, something, like that.

37:24 - 37:28

And we know you've got a lunch that you've agreed to do. Are we now gearing up to that lunch?

37:28 - 37:33

Have we got anything in between that and the lunch? No, not really. Maybe watch TV for 10 minutes.

37:33 - 37:40

I'll always stick the TV on rather than the radio. I love to have whatever is, you know, I'll always watch a nothing to declare or police interceptors or something like that.

37:40 - 37:47

I'll always just stick the telly on for a bit, mooch around, do a bit of tidying up, do a bit of washing up, that kind of thing.

37:47 - 37:57

I'm a big washer upper. Okay. Interesting. I mean, considering you have a boiling tap, I would have thought you'd have a dishwasher by now, but I know what to get you.

37:57 - 38:02

We do have a dishwasher. Other than if you're having a party or you've had loads of people around, I like to wash up as I go along.

38:02 - 38:07

That's what I like. Now, because your kitchen is amazing. It's got all these taps.

38:07 - 38:11

Do you have one of those taps that you can sort of pull off and turn into like a hose?

38:11 - 38:16

Oh, yeah. We stayed at an Airbnb this summer because my wife was in a play and they had that.

38:16 - 38:20

And it was like, honestly, for my washing up was transformative. I was thinking, this is amazing.

38:20 - 38:26

Really? And it's so flexible. Yeah. I mean, I've never used, but I do, I look in awe at, you know, a cafe kitchen with them.

38:26 - 38:32

I worry that after many years of tugging, that there will be wear and tear and you'd have to have it replaced.

38:32 - 38:36

Yeah. That's my slight concern with that. But you know, for an Airbnb, it's perfect.

38:36 - 38:43

One more question. Do you have, I'm hoping you've got two sinks. You've got two good size sinks here next to each other.

38:43 - 38:48

No, we don't actually. Oh, wow. Yeah. No, we don't. You just kept grounded despite the success.

38:48 - 38:56

Never seen the need. I designed my own kitchen. Right. I suspect that if I would, and you're good at designing kitchens, I would have two sinks, but no, just the one.

38:56 - 39:05

It's all I've needed so far, really. you're going well with it. There aren't many products that I would endorse, but we all know that's a lie.

39:05 - 39:13

I do love the thing that you pour the washing up liquid into the handle of, and it's a brush on the end.

39:13 - 39:22

Like I've only gotten into these things maybe in the last five years. And you see these fools still using cloths and sponges and scourers.

39:23 - 39:28

Come on. When you say there's very few things that you would endorse, you have adverts in your podcast, right?

39:28 - 39:36

Yeah, but we're not quite at the stage yet where we're saying this podcast is brought to you by that thing with the sponge on the end that you pour liquid into.

39:36 - 39:43

I think we're on the cusp of reaching that, your sort of levels here. And we're, we're a young podcast, you know, we're here to take over the world.

39:43 - 39:48

But Richard, we do this for the love. We're not interested in shifting product. You know what I mean?

39:48 - 39:57

We just like talking to people. I really am interested in shifting. Listen, honestly, Max, and I love Max and I'm a huge fan of yours, Max.

39:57 - 40:03

It comes out of every pore. Yeah. That's a, he would like an immediate empire and listen, he's got the skills to do it.

40:03 - 40:06

I'm much like the brush with the very liquid. It comes out of every pore.

40:06 - 40:16

And that's why this podcast is brought to you by that brush that sticks. If listeners heard a noise, then it's because I'd moved my knee and I banged the bottom of the table under my microphone.

40:16 - 40:19

Right. And if you say things like that, it means you don't have to edit them out.

40:19 - 40:24

Yeah. They love that. They love, they love those sort of admissions just shows that, you're so human Richard.

40:24 - 40:29

Behind the curtain. Okay. So we've watched a little bit of something. We're getting ready for this lunch now.

40:29 - 40:37

I mean, knowing you, this is going to be a big lunch. You're meeting RuPaul and Paul Young and Pharaoh out of Pharaoh and Ball.

40:37 - 40:47

Ball actually out of Pharaoh and Ball. Bobby Ball. Do you know what? It was, it was a lunch that I think people think people in TV always have, but I very rarely have with it.

40:47 - 40:53

It was with a big, very high up guy from the world of TV who I haven't had lunch with for a very long time as a problem.

40:53 - 40:57

We're all gossiping about where telly is no on the exec side of things. Okay.

40:57 - 41:02

And so we had a proper chat about the future of telly and the future of broadcasters and all of that kind of stuff.

41:02 - 41:12

So it was genuinely an incredibly interesting lunch to have. Okay. So you've had this nice, what did you have for lunch?

41:12 - 41:17

I had a chicken Milanese. Oh, lovely. Yeah. It was nice. What is that? Breaded chicken.

41:17 - 41:23

Yeah. Like a schnitzel. Oh yeah. KFC. Yeah. It's like a very disappointing KFC. You get garlic.

41:23 - 41:32

A zinger. Did you have spaghetti Napolitano on the side or just a salad? Just like green leaves to the side of it, which I absolutely find a lovely bit of lemon on top,

41:32 - 41:35

but it was lunch. So, you know, I didn't particularly want anything. I don't want to go big.

41:35 - 41:41

Too taxing. Now Richard Osman is unleashed in London. Where's he going to go? The M&M store.

41:41 - 41:47

What's going to happen? Have you ever been in the M&M store? I've no reason to ever.

41:47 - 41:53

I don't particularly like M&Ms. I hate their marketing where they have anthropomorphized the M&Ms.

41:53 - 42:00

I don't understand the sexual tension that exists between them in the ads. And there are fundamentally an American thing.

42:00 - 42:05

And what the hell are they doing in the center of London? It's disconcerting, right?

42:05 - 42:10

In America, they have a Reese's land like M&M. And I like a Reese's pieces.

42:10 - 42:18

No, I don't. They're too much. Do you think? That's too rich. I would take an M&M over a Reese's pieces.

42:18 - 42:23

Oh my God. Seriously? Yeah. Whenever I'm in London, I go to Opal Fruits, World.

42:23 - 42:30

I'm the only person ever in there. It's just in a shed. A guy lets you in.

42:30 - 42:39

Bounce on some cushions. There's an amazing museum in, I think it's in sort of Notting Hill, but it's the museum of, it sounds terrible, but it's the museum of brands and packaging.

42:39 - 42:45

Oh yeah. It's just this guy who over the last hundred years has collected every single sweet wrapper and crisp wrapper and chocolate bar.

42:45 - 42:51

Wow, that's cool. And stuff like that. And you just walk through the years looking at old versions of famous brands.

42:51 - 43:01

It's really cool. That would be, the Cadbury Corporation have now removed the Tiffin from Ireland, which was always secretly my favorite bar.

43:01 - 43:04

That's what I would get if I went to Ireland because we don't have it over here.

43:04 - 43:09

You don't have a Tiffin? No, we used to have it in the seventies. Then it completely disappeared.

43:09 - 43:11

And the only time you can get it is in Ireland. Okay. I'll search that.

43:11 - 43:19

I'm sure someone will get onto me to pick me up on it. Like last week where I said, Ireland has no tradition of prank based TV shows.

43:19 - 43:25

And people pointed out that we did have some innovative ones in the seventies. I'm sure, the Tiffin crew will get onto me after this.

43:25 - 43:30

That'd be cool. Maybe you'll get some. Did you have a coffee? Sorry, carry on.

43:30 - 43:34

I'm just, I'm just trying to get up with this damn thing. Oh yeah, okay, sorry.

43:34 - 43:39

Did you have a drink with lunch or was it a sparkling water affair? Max, you said, did you have a coffee?

43:39 - 43:43

That's what you said. No, I did. And I regret it because I know you don't have coffee.

43:43 - 43:48

because you already knew that I didn't have coffee. Yeah, I've already established that. Which makes me feel like, okay, interesting.

43:48 - 43:53

Because in a lot of ways, he's a great producer. David, you'll back me up on this.

43:53 - 43:58

Couldn't have been more forthright, could I? No, you were. I don't like coffee. Max, I'm so sorry.

43:58 - 44:04

I might be underestimating you. Did you think something had happened between breakfast and lunch where I'd suddenly acquired a taste for coffee?

44:04 - 44:09

I thought maybe that was that moment in the book that you'd written. Yeah. When you suddenly went, hang on.

44:09 - 44:13

I'll give you that. Give me a boost. But you know, no, you have my absolute apologies.

44:13 - 44:16

I've let myself down as a broadcaster. Absolutely no need. And it won't happen again.

44:16 - 44:22

I had a mint tea. Okay. And then, so what are you doing? Presumably you didn't go to the M&M store.

44:22 - 44:27

It was a niche where, you're asking the question of, what did you go? After all that I had.

44:27 - 44:33

Given London, that there London, what did you do, Richard? I went home and had my haircut.

44:33 - 44:38

Oh, at home? Yeah. Yeah, at home. By Trevor Sorby. Does he live with you?

44:38 - 44:43

Who, what happened? I always remember my brother, who was in a band, and he said, do you know what?

44:43 - 44:46

For 15 years, the only place I ever had my haircut was Top of the Pops.

44:46 - 44:51

He was on it often enough. He knew that next time he needed a haircut, he'd wait.

44:51 - 44:55

Because when you work in TV, the hair and makeup people in TV are amazing.

44:55 - 45:01

They're always like professional. So ever since I started on Pointless, I've had the same makeup artist, Pauline.

45:01 - 45:14

She's absolutely brilliant. And she's like a world-class hairdresser. And my favorite thing about being front of camera in TV is you're suddenly surrounded by people who can tell you what to wear and how your hair should look and all that stuff.

45:14 - 45:19

It's stuff that I have no natural instinct for at all. If ever I'm well-dressed, it's either by mistake or by someone else.

45:19 - 45:24

But being in that makeup room and wardrobe room has always been great. So Pauline, Pauline always, always cuts my hair.

45:24 - 45:29

But now I do far less TV. Don't need to point this anymore. I'm just doing far, far less.

45:29 - 45:33

Sometimes I'll go like four months and I haven't sat down in a makeup chair with Pauline.

45:33 - 45:39

So occasionally now she'll come to the house. Pauline will come? Yeah. And she's great.

45:39 - 45:43

And she came and she cut my hair and she cut my daughter's hair as well because while we're there.

45:43 - 45:46

And so she's cut my daughter's hair for a while as well. So yeah, I went home.

45:46 - 45:49

My daughter came around. Pauline came around and we had a haircut and a gossip.

45:49 - 45:55

Question. Have you stolen a lot of clothes from TV? TV over time. Not stolen.

45:55 - 46:02

What tends to happen is the only times you can, because, you know, the clothes belong to the show always.

46:02 - 46:08

But sometimes if you've worn it for a series and something's been through the wash so many times, it will get what they call retired.

46:08 - 46:12

So it can't really be used on camera anymore. But it's still a nice bit of kit.

46:12 - 46:19

And also sometimes they will buy a jacket that strobes, which means it's got like a tight knit pattern, which means they can't use it on camera.

46:19 - 46:25

And if it's something that can't be returned, occasionally you'll just be given that and occasionally I'll get stuff.

46:25 - 46:32

And also if you ever wear something that you really like, like a shirt or in the new series of House of Games, I've got a lot more knitwear, for example.

46:32 - 46:36

You can say, oh, I love that. And the wardrobe person will just order some more and you pay them.

46:36 - 46:45

But you know already that you like it and it fits and it's comfortable. During Soccer AM, so it's interesting the glory is, but that was literally, they were all mine.

46:45 - 46:50

We'd go shopping twice a year and I'd buy a shit ton of like blue shirts, basically.

46:50 - 46:58

It's all I wanted to wear and polo shirts. And then I'd go shopping twice a year and about, I'd say once a year, I'd have a big giveaway in the Toucan pub in Soho with all my mates.

46:58 - 47:02

We used to go there once a month, my schoolmates, and I'd just have a bag full of stuff.

47:02 - 47:13

I'd say, who wants this shirt? Who wants these? And then recently I was working for Channel 9 doing the Champions League, but I knew they hadn't renewed my contract because they're complete bastards.

47:13 - 47:22

And it's fine. It's made me hustle. It's made me do this podcast. So I got all the clothes out of the wardrobe, shoving them in my bag, and they're in my house.

47:23 - 47:30

Wow. I mean, that is literally theft. Yeah. I was Channel 9 listening to that. I mean, they probably don't listen, do they, Max?

47:30 - 47:39

Because I've heard they're not fans. But yeah, that's stealing. Can I just, the logistics of getting your hair cut in your home means there's hair everywhere.

47:39 - 47:44

How do we possibly get around that? Sorry, David. Well, let me provide a counter.

47:44 - 47:54

When you go to the hairdressers, is there hair? Yeah, but it's a place. It's a place of hair.

47:54 - 47:59

But what happens to the hair? Yeah, but it's a tiled floor that's used to being...

47:59 - 48:05

Okay, so you have to sweep your own kitchen. Do you go in the kitchen besides the boiling water tap?

48:05 - 48:09

Is that where you're having your hair done? Yes, in the kitchen, but not a million miles from the boiling tap, for sure.

48:09 - 48:13

Yeah, close enough. But yeah, it's a wooden floor, so I just sweep it up afterwards.

48:13 - 48:20

It's a dream. Obvious question, then. Is it disconcerting, the fact that you can't watch the hair take place from moment to moment?

48:20 - 48:28

Because I would imagine you don't have a huge, mirror in the kitchen. Did you know, it's very interesting, because I'm very visually impaired, and if I don't have my glasses on,

48:28 - 48:32

even if I do have my glasses on, I can't see much. If I don't have my glasses on, I can see nothing.

48:32 - 48:36

So I've literally never been able to see a haircut while it's been happening in my entire life.

48:36 - 48:40

Really? I have to wait till the end, put glasses on, and go, oh, so that's what was happening.

48:40 - 48:49

So for me, not having a mirror makes no difference. Interesting. I love having my haircut, and I close my eyes, and I just go, it's never going to be that bad.

48:49 - 48:54

So I'm just, it's like having a head massage. I close my eyes. I open them, and I'm so polite.

48:54 - 48:59

Whatever they've done, I just say, thanks so much. It's so relaxing. People in makeup chairs fall asleep all the time.

48:59 - 49:14

Yeah. Yeah, it's lovely. I had a mole on my neck growing up, and I used to go to a really, really old hairdresser because the date that he'd started working in the Green Dolphin in Dublin was engraved on the mirror in front of us,

49:14 - 49:20

and it started in 1949. Wow. And his hands were getting a bit shaky, but I kept going to him.

49:20 - 49:29

He just retired a few years ago. And he used to do the thing with the blade at the end, and he, by mistake, cut off my mole.

49:29 - 49:33

But I hadn't realized what had happened until he went off and got someone else.

49:33 - 49:40

And the two of them, kind of like the way you'd look at the damaged back of a car, they raised their eyebrows.

49:40 - 49:45

And then he came out and he put a giant plaster, and he said, I've got rid of that for your son.

49:45 - 49:50

And we all laughed. And I've never had a mole on the back of my neck.

49:50 - 49:53

Wow. You look like you just had a haircut, D.O.D. Thank you very much.

49:53 - 49:59

I've just been to Switzerland. I look very smart, certainly. Yeah, you need to for Switzerland, right?

49:59 - 50:05

So what are we doing then after? I would say, have a meal. You've all done your hair.

50:05 - 50:09

Yeah. I don't think you've eaten enough today. He's had a chicken schnitzel. I did. I had a big lunch.

50:09 - 50:12

Oh, I had porridge in the morning, which I forgot to say. I was trying to think.

50:12 - 50:15

There was about 20 minutes that were unaccounted for. And I was thinking, what was I doing?

50:15 - 50:20

And yeah, I had porridge in the morning, which was delicious. Can you give us the details of the porridge?

50:20 - 50:27

What was on that? Yeah, it's oat bran, obviously. A bit of milk, a bit of water, a bit of salt, and then almond butter, chia seeds.

50:27 - 50:31

And my wife has blueberries. I have sultanas. And you just mix it all up.

50:31 - 50:39

It's delicious. Oh, lovely. Is that every breakfast? Not every breakfast, but any time that we have a bit of proper time, we'll always make it.

50:39 - 50:45

Something like today. Well, listen, today is meaningless. Don't care about today. I don't know why I even asked that question.

50:45 - 50:49

You're absolutely right to pull me up on that. I only want yesterday's breakfast. Okay, so you've had your haircut.

50:49 - 50:54

You're looking good. Pauline, you've sent her on her way. Cash in hand for Pauline?

50:54 - 51:00

Oh, but you can't ask that. No, no, it's all... How dare you? How dare you?

51:00 - 51:06

That's not the sort of economy we work in. Let's just say everybody's happy. Yeah.

51:06 - 51:13

Pauline with a leather holdall full of cash. And Lottie the cat just handed... What's this cat worth?

51:13 - 51:23

Take that. Let's say she wheeled spin out of there. I'd say Lottie did not enjoy the unusual scene of you and your daughter having your hair cut in the kitchen.

51:23 - 51:31

You know what? You would be 15% right and 85% wrong. Wow. In that it was a new experience for Lottie.

51:31 - 51:35

She'd never seen someone have a haircut, but she was absolutely bang into it. She loved it.

51:35 - 51:39

She was just like, something new is happening and I like something new. This is great.

51:39 - 51:44

So she's up on the counter looking. She's in Pauline's makeup case, all of that stuff.

51:44 - 51:51

But the second that Pauline turned the hairdryer on, Lottie was like, listen, even I've got my limits.

51:51 - 51:54

I did not see her again. For an hour and a half, she just sped upstairs.

51:54 - 52:00

She was just like... It was actually nice to see some vulnerability from her. Okay, so what are we now?

52:00 - 52:05

Three in the afternoon? Where are we? No, that would probably be... Because my daughter's haircut was about an hour and then mine was about an hour.

52:05 - 52:09

I used to go to the barber's. An hour? You'd be out in 15 minutes? Yeah.

52:09 - 52:13

And a barber, number four at the sides and back, please. Just cut it a little bit shorter on top.

52:13 - 52:19

I mean, I'm looking at your hair. I don't... To be fair to Pauline, I can't go through my morning.

52:19 - 52:29

No, of course. Okay. About an hour. My daughter then left. She went home. My wife was out because she's doing an MA at the moment.

52:29 - 52:36

So she was in like lectures and things. So it's just me. Great. I knew I had two hours, something like that to kill.

52:36 - 52:40

Okay. Did you decide to do some games so you could go this is Richard Osmond's House of Games?

52:40 - 52:45

Did I decide to do some games so I could say this is Richard Osmond's House of Games?

52:45 - 52:52

Taught me through that? You can file that in the M&M shop. You can file it in the M&M shop.

52:52 - 52:57

Just someone... Some of my classic... What was the criticism of this show you read out just before?

52:57 - 53:06

Water down banter. No, it's concentrate. It's the concentrate of middle-class banter. That was the one-star review we got.

53:06 - 53:10

I have got to say I genuinely love this podcast. I never do anything I don't like to do.

53:10 - 53:15

It's such a genius idea because most of life, it's what I try and write about, most of life is the day-to-day stuff.

53:15 - 53:19

Most of life is not what's the worst thing that ever happened to you, what's the best piece of advice you ever got.

53:19 - 53:25

Most of life is you wake up in the morning and it's the shop you go to when it's the breakfast you had and it's the people you meet along the way.

53:25 - 53:31

That's what life is and it gets absolutely overlooked by almost everything. So I think it's an absolute genius idea for a podcast.

53:31 - 53:36

I don't know if I would have chosen DOD as my partner. Oh my goodness.

53:36 - 53:41

Max, can I ask you a question? Did you approach anyone else before you approached DOD?

53:41 - 53:47

No, I tell you this for nothing. I approached DOD and he said, this is a one-hander, you should do it by yourself.

53:47 - 53:52

And I refused until David came on board. This is not a one-hander DOD. And so I always...

53:52 - 53:58

I always knew it was a DOD. Richard Osmond's Home Alone. Let's try and move this on.

53:58 - 54:02

Where did you two meet first? We're trying to get to the end of the day.

54:02 - 54:10

Where did you two meet? In a park in Melbourne, I think. Yeah. It's a weird one, Richard, because I suspect a lot of people would have this relationship with you,

54:10 - 54:17

whereby I had listened to hundreds of hours of him shitting on about football for years.

54:17 - 54:28

You know what I mean? I love that podcast. Yeah, it's a great podcast. And I wouldn't say I felt like I knew him but he is quite like the fella who is on that podcast,

54:28 - 54:32

you would have to say. When you meet him, there's no real shocks or anything, you know?

54:32 - 54:38

No. It would be awkward if Max had asked Richard to co-host this podcast with him.

54:38 - 54:45

Marina Hyde asked Max to co-host the rest of his entertainment, so. I asked so many Richards.

54:45 - 54:51

I asked Richard Osman, Richard Blackford. Richard Maidley. Richard Sneakers. Richard Tice. Richard Maidley. Yeah, of course.

54:51 - 54:56

Richard Tice, of course. Not many Richard footballers, are there? No, Richard Sneakers, Richard Goff.

54:56 - 55:03

Richard Stairman used to play for. Richard Rufus. Richard Rufus. Yeah, you're right. Can we move this on, please?

55:03 - 55:10

See, we've finally done it. I've cracked David for the first time in all of these records, and he wants to get on with it.

55:10 - 55:15

This is what I wanted. Now you know how it feels. He's home alone. What's going to happen?

55:15 - 55:20

Are some criminals going to try and break in, and he has to pretend that the whole family is home because it's Christmas?

55:20 - 55:26

I'll tell you what I did, and this is why this is a, it's a good podcast because it should be something I'm deeply ashamed of because I'm by myself.

55:26 - 55:39

I know I've got two hours, you know, so it's just me. I turned on Discovery and watched Jimmy White versus Hossein Vafayi in the Northern Ireland snooker open, and it was an absolute barnstormer.

55:39 - 55:43

Is this from an event happening now, or is this from like 1987? No, no, no, no.

55:43 - 55:52

No, it's now. So it's Jimmy now in his 60s. Oh, amazing, amazing. Playing in the last 64 of the Northern Ireland open against Iran's top snooker player, Hossein Vafayi.

55:52 - 55:56

Ah, he's my favourite Iranian snooker player. I've got to be serious. Honestly, I was so happy.

55:56 - 56:05

It takes me back to childhood. It's my absolute calm, happy place if there's a game of snooker on, and they've got great commentators on Discovery as well.

56:05 - 56:09

Yeah, and I just loved it. So for like two hours, and of course my wife comes home and says, what have you been doing?

56:09 - 56:14

I said, oh, I've been watching porn. You know me. You know me. But no, two hours of snooker.

56:14 - 56:24

What's the score? Jimmy White won. He won 4-2. But the final frame went on for 63 minutes, which for me as a snooker nerd, I absolutely loved.

56:24 - 56:28

It was amazing. It was one of those ones where all 15 Reds virtually were on the top cushion.

56:28 - 56:40

It was carnage. Richard, as someone who understands format and television like no one else, do you not sometimes look at snooker and start to make a few changes?

56:40 - 56:44

You know what I mean? Get rid of half the Reds. Maybe make the table smaller.

56:44 - 56:50

Yeah, to be fair, snooker does. There's a 10-ball world championship where they take away the bottom row of Reds.

56:50 - 56:58

So it's just 10 Reds. There's the snooker shoot, which I absolutely love, where it's all 10 minutes and you get 10 seconds to play a shot and has lots of other different rules.

56:58 - 57:12

So, you know, you can play it in all sorts of different ways. But it is interesting how football, for example, you know, the thing that Americans see when they see football is just a load of people standing there and nothing happening for ages

57:12 - 57:17

and people pretending to fall over, etc. Yet football, you would have to say, is very popular.

57:17 - 57:22

But can your... You would, wouldn't you? He's always got his finger on the pulse, isn't he?

57:22 - 57:28

I don't know if anyone else has read about football. I think there's something in it.

57:28 - 57:36

My great point is this. Can you watch it, though, and not think about the changes you would make to it if you were Gianni Infantino?

57:36 - 57:42

I've been vocal on this before. The sport that I would change absolutely is tennis.

57:42 - 57:47

Yeah. First to six in a set is absolutely absurd. Watch how darts do it.

57:47 - 57:58

It's fewer games, more sets. That's the need to do. I would play, instead of first to six and best to five sets, I would do first to four and best to seven sets because there's double the amounts of points that are jeopardy,

57:58 - 58:05

double the amount of times where literally something hangs in the balance. You could walk out of a tennis match for the first four games and not really have missed anything,

58:05 - 58:12

unless it's 4-0 and then it's boring anyway. But if it was first to four, tennis would be absolute non-stop rollercoaster action.

58:12 - 58:19

You'd have exactly the same amount of games, exactly the same amount of points, but you'd have twice as much jeopardy all the way through.

58:19 - 58:22

I always think that with tennis, and everyone always gets angry with me for saying it.

58:22 - 58:29

You could look at books and say we could cut out certainly most of the middle of most books.

58:29 - 58:44

You know what I mean? Maybe the thing that we love about things is the fact that nothing is really happening, yet we are trapped there watching Vasily, whatever his name is, against Jimmy White for a 63-minute final game.

58:44 - 58:48

Oh, listen, for sure, and I agree. And test cricket, there's a lot to be said for that, that it becomes a way of life.

58:48 - 58:53

You slow your breathing, you're watching something different. But with tennis, it would take exactly the amount of the same time.

58:53 - 58:57

Literally, you would not be changing how long it took. You'd be spending exactly the same amount of time.

58:57 - 59:03

It'd just be twice as exciting. And I think everybody who's watching tennis is just waiting for the next game to start.

59:03 - 59:08

That's how people are watching tennis. It's boring. OK, so this is brilliant. I love watching tennis.

59:08 - 59:14

I love watching it live. But all the time, I'm thinking, when it gets to three all, I've been thinking, I've been sat here for a long time in this set.

59:14 - 59:20

There's a long time still to go. And if this was first to four, we would absolutely be completely in action now.

59:20 - 59:25

So with you. I think it's a great idea. OK, so you've watched Bill Wurbenick against Tony Drago.

59:25 - 59:35

And it's now, well, we must be like 5 o'clock now. Where are we at? Someone once did on Twitter, I think, like films about snooker players, like puns.

59:35 - 59:44

And the best one was the girl with the Drago tattoo. Really nice. The rest of this podcast, all me and David will be thinking is, right, I've got Terry Griffiths.

59:44 - 59:48

Can I make a film out of Terry Griffiths? And I'm stuck. Ray Rearwindowden. Good.

59:48 - 59:59

Cliff Thorbener. Kanger. I went through something. I have a flat spot in my life recently and started looking at the Wikipedia pages of snooker players from the 80s and 90s.

59:59 - 1:00:06

And Tony Drago lost his cue at Broken Transit and his cue was nicknamed The Eel.

1:00:06 - 1:00:14

And he was never the same player again. He never managed to find whatever that grain was.

1:00:14 - 1:00:19

And that's what his Wikipedia says anyway. He played in the World Seniors recently. It's good to see him.

1:00:19 - 1:00:30

Upside down glasses. Is this interesting? The $64 million Alan McManus. Okay. Oh, no. Mrs. Osman is home.

1:00:30 - 1:00:35

Yes. She gets home. And then we watched because we were very excited to start to watch it.

1:00:35 - 1:00:42

We started watching The Rivals. I love to watch TV. And I found a wife and she found a husband who also loves to watch TV.

1:00:42 - 1:00:49

It's literally our absolute obsession. And there's so much good stuff out there. And we never, ever, ever run out of stuff.

1:00:49 - 1:00:56

And we're always doing other stuff in between. Us watching, Teddy, we're watching all the old prime suspects at the moment, which is amazing.

1:00:56 - 1:01:01

You spend your whole time on IMDb looking at, so who is that actor? What did he do next?

1:01:01 - 1:01:06

But yeah, last night we started watching, well, it's two episodes of The Rivals, which is absolutely amazing.

1:01:06 - 1:01:10

So hang on, when did you start watching them? The snookers finished at what time?

1:01:10 - 1:01:16

Yeah, well, Ingrid got in about 8.15. And I think it was like one of those perfect things where the snooker finished at like 8.07.

1:01:16 - 1:01:21

Ah, okay. So I was even able to sort of tidy up a bit and make it look as if I'd been industrious.

1:01:22 - 1:01:28

So maybe we started at half eight, something like that. Where's dinner? Oh, no, so she had eaten out.

1:01:28 - 1:01:35

I ate because I had my lunch. I just had a light snack. So we didn't have a sit-down dinner.

1:01:35 - 1:01:38

What was the light snack? Yeah, what's a light snack for Richard Osman? What did I have?

1:01:38 - 1:01:43

I had chicken at lunch as well. I went double chicken yesterday without even realising it.

1:01:43 - 1:01:50

Yeah, and you had chicken in the porridge as well. Yeah, chicken porridge. Yeah, it was nothing remarkable.

1:01:50 - 1:01:54

It's nothing that's stayed with me. So you can't even remember what you had for dinner.

1:01:54 - 1:01:59

How can we believe any of this day? Yeah, it wasn't anything remarkable. So, well, there was just a bit of chicken.

1:01:59 - 1:02:05

No. He had a human head. It was a human head. That's why he's skipping over this.

1:02:05 - 1:02:11

That's what he eats. But it tastes like chicken. But hang on, you must remember what you had for dinner yesterday.

1:02:11 - 1:02:16

It was only about 10 hours ago. No, because I had it while I was watching the snooker, so I was just snacking, really.

1:02:16 - 1:02:20

I didn't kind of go, oh, I must prepare myself a repast. No, no, I understand that.

1:02:20 - 1:02:26

But it's a crucial part. This podcast, we say there's no prep for anyone, but just remember what happened yesterday.

1:02:26 - 1:02:29

And I hate to get all Paxman here, but I need to know. Wow, he's the Rottweiler.

1:02:29 - 1:02:31

That's why they call him the Rottweiler. I need to know what's on this plate.

1:02:31 - 1:02:35

I will say this to you, which is you're the host and I am the guest.

1:02:35 - 1:02:41

Yeah. You can't sit there and impose things on me any more than I can impose a different scoring system on tennis.

1:02:41 - 1:02:45

And I just think there's times where you have to go, do you know what?

1:02:45 - 1:02:49

What is it that I do here? Because I see what David does. I absolutely got that.

1:02:49 - 1:02:55

He's the Stan Laurel here, and he just sort of, unless there's something cheeky every now and again, I'll remember something about Ireland.

1:02:55 - 1:03:03

Oh, my God. But you do, right? That's your thing. That's good. Listen, you've made such a great career out of it.

1:03:03 - 1:03:09

But all I'm hearing here, Richard, is you're very respected. You know, you've succeeded in so many ways, right?

1:03:09 - 1:03:15

But this is the first time in the history of this podcast where someone has refused to tell us what they had for dinner.

1:03:15 - 1:03:19

Wow. See, that's interesting because I wasn't refusing. I was remembering, but now I'm refusing.

1:03:19 - 1:03:28

Yeah. But it feels like you're holding back. No. Okay. Honestly, I'd forgot. Now I'm not even going to go there.

1:03:28 - 1:03:31

Because you have to be a maverick, and sometimes you have to break the format to make the format.

1:03:31 - 1:03:36

You know, because then in future you'll remember. You'll be like, oh, that's interesting. Actually, we could be a tiny bit more flexible.

1:03:36 - 1:03:42

And actually flexibility sometimes is important to be rigid. No, but it's important. As you can see with the coffee mistake.

1:03:42 - 1:03:46

You know, it's important to have rules and take yourself seriously. Are you getting me back now for the coffee mistake?

1:03:46 - 1:03:52

Is that what this is? Yeah. Max, I was furious. I mean, I'm just trying to.

1:03:52 - 1:03:56

I'm trying to think of something cheeky or something from Ireland to chip in now.

1:03:56 - 1:04:01

Come on, you've got something. Because aren't Taito Crisp different in Ireland than in Northern Ireland?

1:04:01 - 1:04:10

They're different flavours, right? This is the worst Irish stand-up comedy of all time. Can we just establish, can you just establish that you now do remember?

1:04:10 - 1:04:18

David, that cannot be your catchphrase. Can we now establish that you can now remember what you had for dinner?

1:04:18 - 1:04:22

Yeah. But you're refusing to tell us. Yeah, no, I'm not refusing. I just think.

1:04:22 - 1:04:27

Why not chill out? Yeah. He had chicken. We're just going to have to let him away with it.

1:04:27 - 1:04:31

I remembered it wasn't even chicken. So I have to remember that it was like my default thing.

1:04:31 - 1:04:38

What did I have? It was a boiled pot of M&M's that you got when you went into the city.

1:04:38 - 1:04:47

A bit like in Dragon's Den when we go to the wall. I had to go to the wall with David and say, can we really, you know, what if other guests listen to this and now say,

1:04:47 - 1:04:51

I'm not going to tell you what any part of my day. Then we really, this could be the end.

1:04:51 - 1:04:58

You can't force people. People just had, listen, I know that's not what you're doing, but you can't force people to bullshit, but people can make stuff up.

1:04:58 - 1:05:03

If someone's had a bad day, for example, when they come on the show and they're not going to go, well, I got to tell you I had a bad day.

1:05:03 - 1:05:07

They're going to make stuff up. Okay. So after the dinner that no one will ever know about.

1:05:07 - 1:05:11

Are we really leaving it? That's amazing. Do you know what? That shows real growth.

1:05:11 - 1:05:19

Honestly, I'm really impressed. Genuinely. I so want to tell you now. I actually want to know.

1:05:19 - 1:05:24

I feel, is this like Paxman and Heseltine? Was it 15 questions? I'm going to rise above all of this.

1:05:24 - 1:05:33

What's The Rivals? What happens in The Rivals? So Rivals is the Judy Cooper novel, which has been adapted with David Tennant, Katherine Parkinson, Danny Dyer.

1:05:33 - 1:05:40

It's sort of 80s Cotswold set. Loads of sex. Very funny. Laura Wade, brilliant playwright, wrote it.

1:05:40 - 1:05:45

While you and Ingrid are watching this, do you at any point turn to each other and say, what did you have for dinner?

1:05:45 - 1:05:54

I had this. He's still trying. I mean, listen. I think it might be because, on the Guardian football podcast, he has so much power.

1:05:54 - 1:06:00

Do you know what I mean? Because he's so the daddy there. He's like Ray Winston in Scum, isn't he, on the Guardian football podcast.

1:06:00 - 1:06:05

And on this, I wonder, because I see the alpha-beta thing between the two of you.

1:06:05 - 1:06:10

I absolutely get that. And I get that you're constantly passing that ball across. Listen, you've got to give it a go.

1:06:10 - 1:06:14

No, we didn't. Okay, and just wanted to know. She said, what did you have for dinner?

1:06:14 - 1:06:18

I said, I refuse to tell you. You are ruining the format of this marriage.

1:06:18 - 1:06:27

That actually does sound like something you might say, to be honest. Literally, Ingrid's listening to that and going, you know you did actually say that.

1:06:27 - 1:06:32

That was your vows, we promise, at all times. To not ruin the format of this marriage.

1:06:32 - 1:06:39

She's never, ever known what you've had for dinner, ever. And if you dined together, you sort of covet it, like, secretly.

1:06:39 - 1:06:44

Listen, you've got to have secrets. No. No, she almost always has dinner with me, so I can't keep it a secret from her.

1:06:44 - 1:06:53

The big question, where is Lottie while you're watching Rivals? Literally, again, to Ingrid's fury, Lottie's sitting, she's sitting on my lap purring.

1:06:53 - 1:06:58

Oh, yeah. And one of the reasons Ingrid wanted to get another cat is because Liesl would always sit on my lap.

1:06:58 - 1:07:02

And she'd go, at least if we have two cats, then one of them will sit on my lap.

1:07:02 - 1:07:12

And now Liesl sits upstairs because she needs, like, just an evening off. And Lottie comes down and lies on my lap, and she's one of those cats that purrs the instant you start stroking her.

1:07:12 - 1:07:17

She's so delightful. She's like a kind of cartoon cat. Liesl's upstairs with Radio 4 on.

1:07:17 - 1:07:28

Exactly. Writing her journal. So we watch The Rivals until what? Bedtime? Yeah, so what would that have been about?

1:07:28 - 1:07:31

You know, because, you know, you get up and make a cup of decaf, something like that.

1:07:31 - 1:07:38

So at various points, you're stopping it. So maybe half ten or something like that, maybe you finish the second episode, then, yeah, up to bed.

1:07:38 - 1:07:44

Okay. And is that just brush your teeth, clothes off, straight in, fall asleep? Or do you read?

1:07:44 - 1:07:48

Do you listen to anything? Clothes off, then brush teeth. I won't brush my teeth with clothes on.

1:07:48 - 1:07:53

No, I will. You know if you ever get a toothpaste stain on anything it's like the worst stain you can ever get.

1:07:53 - 1:07:57

But then you know that a wet wipe will get any stain out of anything.

1:07:57 - 1:08:05

And I always think I love a wet wipe versus a toothpaste stain. That's like the kind of immovable force against the unsinkable ship.

1:08:05 - 1:08:14

Well, this is very interesting because as you may know, I have 19 bikes and a lot of the times old aluminium rims will develop.

1:08:14 - 1:08:17

They won't be as shiny. That's what they call you, isn't it? Old aluminium rims.

1:08:17 - 1:08:27

And one of the great ways of cleaning aluminium is with toothpaste. And you use the toothpaste to polish the rims.

1:08:27 - 1:08:39

So no problem at all. So how do you begin to turn this, with the greatest of respect, nuclear reactor of a mind off that all day has been improving formats,

1:08:39 - 1:08:48

has been writing 1,200 words of a book, has been eating a mysterious dinner? How do you begin to start shutting off these valves?

1:08:48 - 1:08:52

So I want to tell you, honestly, I'm such a people pleaser. This is genuinely up.

1:08:52 - 1:08:54

You're upsetting me that I'm not telling you, but I'm going to stick to my guns.

1:08:54 - 1:09:00

The truth is my mind is almost always turned off. Yeah. Because when it's on, it's like, oh God, really?

1:09:00 - 1:09:04

Like, I'm really going to have to, that's why I watch two hours of snooker.

1:09:04 - 1:09:07

That's why if I'm walking down the street, I'm counting how many steps I'm doing.

1:09:07 - 1:09:14

I'm thinking, I bet it's about 400 steps before I get to Waitrose. Because I don't want to, if I start thinking, I can't stop, it's just endless.

1:09:14 - 1:09:19

And so by and large, I'll do anything I can to just shut my brain down a little bit.

1:09:19 - 1:09:25

So actually going to sleep is the easiest thing in the world. I go to sleep in like four seconds because my brain is like, oh, switch off.

1:09:25 - 1:09:33

Okay. This is very interesting because sometimes I do gigs late at night or make TV shows fairly.

1:09:33 - 1:09:42

But like sometimes if I'm doing a little gig around the corner, I'll be gigging until 11.30 and then I'll be home at 11.45 and I'll get into bed.

1:09:42 - 1:09:52

But my brain is still flying in the way that I would imagine, Richard, after recording this podcast in Australia, Max's brain now is good.

1:09:52 - 1:09:56

Can you imagine? It's just the sound of trumpets when he opens his mouth from inside.

1:09:56 - 1:10:03

So you can just knock off. When are you reading? There was no reading in this day.

1:10:03 - 1:10:11

No, not yesterday. There wasn't. Well, sometimes if I'm watching the snooker, I'm not absolutely glued to the screen the entire time.

1:10:11 - 1:10:17

And also when I go out walking, I listen again because my eyes, I listen to books a lot.

1:10:17 - 1:10:23

So I'm listening to Larry McMurtry's Lonesome Dove at the moment, which is unbelievable. You would both absolutely adore it.

1:10:23 - 1:10:29

It's sort of set in the kind of Wild West days, but it's almost like Middlemarch, but for kind of a Western.

1:10:29 - 1:10:37

It's so brilliant. Yeah, no, I'm very good at switching off. Funnily enough, Ingrid was in a play this summer and they're finishing at kind of half 10 every night.

1:10:37 - 1:10:43

And it was one of those plays that just went brilliantly and it was getting like big standing ovations and everyone was going crazy the whole time.

1:10:43 - 1:10:48

It was impossible to switch off. You could just see this absolute kind of buzz that was, you know, going through her brain.

1:10:48 - 1:10:53

But I've always been very good at the second I get home from something. I can switch off if I need to.

1:10:53 - 1:10:57

Do you think it was a good day? Yeah, it was a really good day from start to finish.

1:10:57 - 1:11:02

Yeah, it was really nice. It was lovely to be able to fit the Jimmy White, Hossein Vafaei in the middle as well.

1:11:02 - 1:11:14

That's a real bonus. I got stuff done, which is great. But then I also, whenever people say you've got too much time on your hands, I take that as the greatest compliment you could ever have because having too much time on my hands is my ultimate goal.

1:11:14 - 1:11:23

I took a lot from, there was a quote from an Irish rower who won gold at the Olympics called Paula Donovan, who'd won, Oh, is he one of the brothers?

1:11:23 - 1:11:38

Yeah, and he's now rowing with another guy, but they won gold again. And even in the interview afterwards, he was asked, someone put it to him that it would have been a failure the last four years if he hadn't won the gold medal.

1:11:38 - 1:11:44

And he said, that's not how I look at it. I really enjoy getting up for training in the morning.

1:11:44 - 1:11:55

You know, I really enjoy hanging out with the other rowers and I enjoy coming to Paris and getting to partake in the, so if it turned out that I hadn't won,

1:11:55 - 1:12:03

it wouldn't have been a failure at all. And that's definitely something that I try and bring to my, particularly with something like standup comedy, where if a gig goes badly,

1:12:03 - 1:12:14

you can think I'm the biggest failure that's ever existed. And also we all work in an insanely competitive business and it's very easy to compare yourself to other people and you can see other people's successes.

1:12:14 - 1:12:20

And we're in a business where there are far more failures than successes. So you have to enjoy it.

1:12:20 - 1:12:24

You have to go, do you know what? It's such a, I mean, sitting here doing this, it's a pleasure.

1:12:24 - 1:12:29

It's a really lovely thing to do. And whether people enjoy it, just lovely. It's lovely talking to you too.

1:12:29 - 1:12:32

They do, Richard, yes. I mean, it was great until dinner and then it's like, wow.

1:12:32 - 1:12:41

I meant this specific episode, to be fair. I know people enjoy your podcast. But so you have to do stuff you enjoy and you have to, at the end of each day,

1:12:41 - 1:12:44

just go, well, that was fun and stick it in your back pocket and keep it with you.

1:12:44 - 1:12:50

Thanks for coming on, Richard. Oh my God, it's such a pleasure. We did have our first sticky moment there, really the dinner.

1:12:50 - 1:12:55

But I think, it is a learning opportunity. What would we possibly learn from it?

1:12:55 - 1:13:04

David, you don't need to learn anything. We know what your role is. But Max, just as you, you'll do like 500 of these, right?

1:13:04 - 1:13:10

And after 500, there'll be like 20 different running jokes and there'll be 20 different things that didn't exist when you started it.

1:13:10 - 1:13:16

And they will all have happened by accident. And they'll all have happened because something unusual happened and you responded to it in an unusual way.

1:13:16 - 1:13:21

A format is a format and that's absolutely fine. But something that people love is the meat you put on those bones.

1:13:21 - 1:13:26

I totally agree. I agree with that. And so whenever you start a new show and people are like, let's come up with loads of things, you just say, no, you don't.

1:13:26 - 1:13:34

They'll just happen anyway. So in my mind at the moment, I'm simultaneously delighted that you haven't told us what's for dinner because I can see it's going to run forever.

1:13:34 - 1:13:40

A bit like the whole Nish Kumar episode, but also furious because I really want to know what you had for dinner.

1:13:40 - 1:13:45

But that's why it's fun. Yeah, exactly. And that conflict will keep me buzzing all night.

1:13:45 - 1:13:48

I'll be lying there. If there's any consolation, it's left me a bit upset as well.

1:13:48 - 1:13:55

That's how we lie. I'd like to leave the guests who feed on our podcast.

1:13:55 - 1:14:10

Thanks for coming on, Richard Osmond. Thank you, Richard. Thank you, gentlemen. So there was Richard Osmond's day.

1:14:10 - 1:14:21

David, you know I'm stuck on dinner. I would like, I would like, and we've got good listeners here, but they need to go after him.

1:14:22 - 1:14:27

That's what I'm saying. They need to go after him. He's a successful guy. He's good at this.

1:14:27 - 1:14:35

He likes the podcast. It was a great day. I was fascinated by it, but they need to, they need to go after him about this dinner because this is a big,

1:14:35 - 1:14:39

this is a big issue. Like what's, what would be the most basic possible dinner?

1:14:39 - 1:14:47

Like he'd got a Papa John's pizza or something, you know, a big pepperoni, a wagon wheel, a giant wagon wheel pepperoni.

1:14:47 - 1:14:57

No, I don't think Richard would be ashamed by, that kind of dinner. I think he'd be ashamed if he had like something really posh.

1:14:57 - 1:15:05

Yeah. I think if he's, if he's hiding something from us, it is, you know, like gallons of smoked salmon and truffles and caviar.

1:15:05 - 1:15:13

Maybe he just had a bowl of caviar. That was it. A bowl of caviar from a golden spoon with his initials on it.

1:15:13 - 1:15:26

And that's why he wouldn't tell us. Well, watching Jimmy White against, I've looked him up now, Hussein, Vafay born 1994, Iranian professional snooker player.

1:15:26 - 1:15:34

What, what listeners, what do you think Richard Osman had for dinner? Yeah, I think that's, I think you need to ask us and I think you need to ask him.

1:15:34 - 1:15:44

I've read a lot of John Ronson. You shouldn't encourage social media pylons, but in this case, let's take him down.

1:15:44 - 1:15:52

Let's take down Osman. I've read a lot of John Ronson. It is a great opening to, yeah.

1:15:52 - 1:15:57

Okay. Let's try. And if you see him on the street, just ask him that aside.

1:15:57 - 1:16:07

I thoroughly enjoyed his day. Well, I do like how, so Spielberg's making his, his first book at the moment and going by everything else Richard has done.

1:16:07 - 1:16:19

It'll be huge. And then this page, this chapter that he wrote during our podcast will also be part of another, you know, giant blockbuster.

1:16:19 - 1:16:31

And I love that. The same day where that was created. He also watched nothing to declare and Jimmy white snooker match from the Northern Ireland open.

1:16:31 - 1:16:40

There's something very human about that. Yeah, you're totally right. If you'd like to get in touch with the show, I mean, this is how you get in touch with us,

1:16:40 - 1:16:46

but save your time, get in touch with Osman and find out what to have for dinner.

1:16:46 - 1:16:51

In the meantime, if you want to email us, here's how to get in touch with the show.

1:16:51 - 1:17:00

You can email, what did you do yesterday? Pod at gmail.com. Follow us on Instagram at yesterday pod, and please subscribe and leave a review.

1:17:00 - 1:17:04

If you liked it on your preferred podcast platform. And if you didn't, please don't.

1:17:04 - 1:17:10

Thanks for listening, everybody. Thank you, David. I enjoyed that one. Thank you very much.

1:17:10 - 1:17:15

I'll try and think of more. What did he say? Cheeky things or things about Ireland to say on the next one.

1:17:15 - 1:17:21

You bring more to the table than that. I just want you to know that, that you bring more to the table than that.

1:17:21 - 1:17:39

Thank you. Thank you very much. It's okay.

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EP12: Richard Osman