0:00 - 0:11
Podcasts, there are millions of them. Some might say too many. I have one already.
0:11 - 0:20
I don't have any, because there are enough. Politics, business, sport, you name it, there's a podcast about it, and they all ask the big questions and cover the hot topics of the day.
0:20 - 0:25
But nobody is covering the most important topic of all. Why is that? Are they scared?
0:25 - 0:34
Too afraid of being censored by the man? Possibly, but not us. We're here to ask the only question that matters.
0:34 - 0:38
We try and say it at the same time, Max. What did you do yesterday?
0:38 - 0:44
What did you do yesterday? That's it. All we're interested in is what the guests got up to yesterday, nothing more.
0:44 - 0:51
Day before yesterday, Max? Nope. The greatest and most interesting day of your life? Unless it was yesterday, we don't want to know about it.
0:51 - 1:06
I'm Max Rushden. And I'm David O'Doherty. Welcome to What Did You Do Yesterday? Welcome to episode 19 and the end of the first series of What Did You Do Yesterday?
1:06 - 1:15
David O'Doherty is here. Welcome. We've come a long way now. This was the first...
1:15 - 1:26
We have talked this episode up so much that it can't possibly live up to the hype that is currently trending online about it, Max.
1:26 - 1:36
Have you heard anything from Nish? Yes. I mean, I'm in regular contact with Nish, mostly about other things.
1:36 - 1:47
I'm sure Nish doesn't love how we have relentlessly trailed this episode and said that we're currently waiting for clearance from the UN to release it, etc.
1:47 - 1:57
Nish was very good to do our first ever episode when we were testing as to whether this thing worked.
1:57 - 2:05
Oh, dear. Yeah. We were. And it was a great episode. We have relentlessly exploited his generosity.
2:05 - 2:11
Well, we have to be honest, right? We have to be honest, which is we were going to put this out as the first episode.
2:11 - 2:21
I even went on Parenting Island and said the first episode is Nish Kumar. And then we decided that for reasons that will become apparent pretty soon at the podcast, a lot of the podcast is discussing going to the toilet.
2:21 - 2:28
I don't think as much as we think there is. I mean, I haven't listened back to it for like six months.
2:28 - 2:37
But in our minds. We were like, we're launching a new podcast. Can this really be episode one of just three men talking about poo?
2:37 - 2:45
And what if this is what the episode is every week? And you'll notice we sort of veered away from that.
2:45 - 2:53
We have occasionally gone back into that arena of the world. But we kind of thought, let's leave that to leave it.
2:53 - 2:59
Unless there's like a really specific discussion we need to have about it. I remember early doors in this.
3:00 - 3:09
We just kept poo just kept coming up because Jen Brister. Jen Brister, I think, was our second episode we ever recorded.
3:09 - 3:15
And she had a difficulty with a macerator that like was neutral bulleting or turds.
3:15 - 3:23
And turds were coming down into our conservatory or something. So you and I were really trying to not talk about turds.
3:23 - 3:29
And yet every week turds were coming to look for us. Yeah. So look, this episode.
3:30 - 3:34
This episode with Nish is the first one we did. And it was very kind.
3:34 - 3:38
But it was like, I mean, it was basically what was it six months ago?
3:38 - 3:43
I don't know. Like it was the last football season hadn't ended. It was that long ago.
3:43 - 3:51
Right. I mean, I, you know, great material stands the test of time. That's what I think.
3:51 - 3:59
And so obviously huge thanks to the massive legal team who have managed to clear this episode.
4:00 - 4:05
Thank you, Nish, as well for for just bearing with the fact that we keep banging on about this.
4:05 - 4:11
And I suspect that we've built it up to a level where most of the reaction will be anticlimactic.
4:11 - 4:22
Yeah. But but definitely even still, I'm delighted that this was our first episode. And it makes me feel like every series should end with Nish Kumar.
4:22 - 4:29
Getting Nish back because Nish has been a big supporter of the pod as well, even though we've been withholding.
4:30 - 4:37
How has he supported it? He's always telling me, like, oh, thanks from that side of things.
4:37 - 4:47
So we salute you, Nish Kumar. Please come back on the pod another time when your tummy isn't in this state.
4:47 - 4:55
Here is episode one of What Did You Do Yesterday with the brilliant Nish Kumar.
5:00 - 5:11
Welcome, Nish Kumar, to What Did You Do Yesterday. How are you? I'm good. It's a pleasure to be here.
5:11 - 5:17
Nice to see you, Max. Nice to see you, David. So this is episode one, and we believe this could change podcasting.
5:17 - 5:22
And David, explain the premise of the podcast to you. Do you think we're on to a winner?
5:22 - 5:29
I mean, at a certain point, I have always said we need more podcasts hosted by two white men.
5:30 - 5:41
I've been very, very clear on that. And I have also said that podcasts frequently are not interested enough in the immediate 24 hours of proceedings.
5:41 - 5:46
So anyway, this is an itch that you've been waiting to scratch for a long time.
5:46 - 5:54
When David asked me, I said, finally, this is fantastic. This is at last, my opinions are being considered.
5:54 - 6:01
I find when people of colour do podcasts, they tend to look further back. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
6:01 - 6:08
Whereas we just, just in the immediate rear view mirror, that's where we're trying to look.
6:08 - 6:13
We're trying to take a smaller look at things. We're trying to have less perspective.
6:13 - 6:18
Exactly. We're really going, we're really going out of our way to have less perspective on.
6:18 - 6:27
Yeah. So the key part of this, right, you have to promise us that you would tell the truth at all times during this podcast.
6:27 - 6:36
So help me, God, if I lie. Satan himself strike me from this study brackets, small cupboard room that I slowly fill with farts through the day.
6:36 - 6:44
We did have detectives following you yesterday as well. So if you slightly stray off track, we will know.
6:44 - 6:53
Well, I did spot them, but I just assumed it was the man as usual following me around because I'm always saying dangerous things about the government.
6:53 - 6:57
Now, Nish, yesterday, where were you? About halfway through this day, I should be clear.
6:57 - 7:04
I thought awful day. I think this is why it's a perfect day. When does it begin?
7:04 - 7:14
What time, Nish, do you open those eyes, those cute peepers? Oh, my God. This is actually a very extremely atypical day.
7:14 - 7:23
I woke up at 6.30 in the morning, which that simply never happens. Right. And what prompted you to wake up at that time?
7:23 - 7:28
Was it natural? No. There wasn't an alarm? There wasn't another person that woke you?
7:29 - 7:36
I appreciate David knows me better than you, so he will understand this. It is the least natural thing of all time.
7:36 - 7:45
It is the least natural thing. For me to wake up at 6.30, the only way it could be less natural is if I was involved in some sort of Freaky Friday body swap situation when I woke up.
7:45 - 7:51
That is the least natural thing for me at all to be awake at 6.30 in the morning.
7:51 - 7:57
So when you say you woke up at 6.30, are you up then? Was it that sort of jet lag type situation?
7:57 - 8:01
I appreciate it wasn't jet lag. I suspect. In fact, it's because you'd had six drinks the night before.
8:01 - 8:07
So can't things be two things, David? I had to go and do a radio show.
8:07 - 8:15
Ed Gamble is on holiday and I was filling in for him for his Radio X show that he hosts with Matthew Crosby.
8:15 - 8:22
I was standing in for Ed Gamble. This interests me a lot here because you're doing a radio show.
8:22 - 8:29
What time are you on air at? On air at eight o'clock. So do you get jazzed before that by...
8:29 - 8:36
Are you drinking too much coffee? Yes, I had to drink coffee because also... Sorry, I don't mean to interrupt, David, but there are things that we haven't asked, Nish.
8:36 - 8:42
I know, I know. And I know this is episode one. I don't know who's leading this podcast, but what was the first...
8:42 - 8:46
Was it an alarm that woke you up? And what was the first noise that you made?
8:46 - 8:52
It was two alarms because if I have to get up at that hour in the morning, I don't trust myself to sleep.
8:52 - 9:00
I only have one alarm. So I have a series of old Argos boards. I bought Casio watches.
9:00 - 9:10
This is the standard watch for the British stand-up comedian, particularly of my generation, because you can see the time on the stopwatch very clearly on them.
9:10 - 9:17
So it was quite a useful purchase when we all started in comedy and you have to stick to either 5, 10 or 20-minute set times.
9:17 - 9:22
So I have about five of these, and one of them, the strap is broken.
9:22 - 9:29
And so instead of throwing it in the bin, I fashioned it into a sort of bedside timepiece Lovely.
9:29 - 9:39
I'm imagining a sort of Wallace and Gromit type situation where it's rigged up to a winch that hoists your bed to 45 degrees and you slide down into the kitchen.
9:39 - 9:51
I think about Wallace getting out of bed, I would say, once a week. When I have to get up early, I think about Wallace getting out of bed once a week and probably have done for almost my entire adult life.
9:51 - 9:58
But I also have the phone alarm. Standard iPhone alarm. No need to play around with any of the 6,000.
9:58 - 10:04
The other one's on there. Standard iPhone alarm. In order for me to be awoken, I need the sort of sonic equivalent of an attack.
10:04 - 10:09
So what happens then, Nish? I turn the watch alarm off and I put the phone on snooze.
10:09 - 10:19
Just once? Because your brain would have calculated the latest point at which you can leave the house in order to fill in for Ed Gamble on the radio.
10:19 - 10:26
The latest point I could leave my house is at 10 past seven to get there on time because I have to arrive at 7.30 to be on the air for 8 a.m.
10:26 - 10:32
I've done two shifts covering for Ed. Previous week, I had stayed in my house and been very diligent.
10:32 - 10:39
I'd been diligent in terms of my bedtime. I had been not diligent in the fact that I spent the evening watching Star Wars Episode I, The Phantom Menace.
10:39 - 10:47
Oh, good. Because it was May the 4th and my friend had been to see it at the cinema that afternoon and sent me a text message saying, good God, it's even worse than I remembered.
10:47 - 10:53
And for some reason, I, from that, inferred I should watch Star Wars Episode I, The Phantom Menace.
10:53 - 10:56
So anyway, it was rubbish, but I went to bed at an appropriate time and so I woke up fine.
10:56 - 11:05
Now, unfortunately, when I, when I woke yesterday at half past six, my immediate first thought was, I think the fourth pint may have been a mistake.
11:05 - 11:12
Yes. That's the first thought. Right. It rings through. Clearly, the fourth pint was a mistake.
11:12 - 11:19
Right. Did you, because we can't talk about that day because that's the day before yesterday and that's a totally different podcast.
11:19 - 11:26
Real shame. No interest. I played in a Taskmaster charity football match with loads of celebrity comedians and then I did a music gig.
11:26 - 11:30
I played my guitar for the first time in 20 years. We can't talk about any of that.
11:30 - 11:35
Don't care. Oh my goodness. We can't talk about arguably one of the most exciting days of my life.
11:35 - 11:43
What did you do the day before yesterday? It's a different podcast. What I want to know is, and I still haven't got to the bottom of this, is did you groan?
11:43 - 11:47
Did you sit up and groan? Do you swing your legs to the side of the bed?
11:47 - 11:54
No, I try and make no sound because this is a bone of contention in my 12 year relationship.
11:54 - 12:05
And it's, let's be honest, a justified bone of contention. Because my partner is very good at waking up and leaving the house without making any sort of sound, without alerting me.
12:05 - 12:12
On the very rare occasions where I'm forced to wake up before her, I tend to wake up and go, fucking hell, man.
12:12 - 12:23
What the fuck? Jesus fucking Christ. Oh, fuck. Oh, God. And she says that is unreasonable.
12:23 - 12:29
Her words, it is unreasonable that I see it as my business to wake her up.
12:29 - 12:45
I can empathise with the fact that in our kind of life where you may be up late one night, you may be playing in the Taskmaster football match another day, to have to get up early feels like maybe the worst injustice that's
12:45 - 12:51
been suffered by any person in the history of the world. Yeah. It feels like screaming.
12:51 - 12:56
You're like, let's get the UN on the blower. This feels like a violation of my human rights.
12:56 - 13:01
So you get up in silence. Silence. Yeah. How are you dressed? I believe I'm nude.
13:01 - 13:06
Right. Now we're getting into the meat of this podcast. Here we go. So where do you go?
13:06 - 13:20
Are we straight to the bathroom? Okay. I guess we're going straight into this. My day starts the day all of my days start, which is once I have, as soon as my legs touch the floor, I am on a, I would say between 35
13:20 - 13:24
and 40 second timer to get to the toilet. Otherwise I'm going to shit in the bed.
13:24 - 13:37
I am regular. As rain. I don't think that's right. As soon as I stand up, my body goes, we have to, we have to make a clean start.
13:37 - 13:45
It's like, it's like the, uh, the Empire Strikes Back when the Star Destroyer has to like dump all of the stuff around it before it can blast off.
13:45 - 13:51
That's my body. My body's like, we need to make, we need to start this day afresh.
13:51 - 13:58
Every single day starts with me unloading. Wow. Heavy unload. Is that it for the day?
13:58 - 14:05
We pray, Max. Every day I sit there, heavy unload. And all I'm saying is we pray that's it for the day.
14:05 - 14:11
We fear it's part one of three. Fine. The first one's the Phantom Menace. That's what it's called.
14:11 - 14:20
The first one is the real Phantom Menace. Yeah. I'm often a trilogy before midday, but never, if it's just a unique episode, it's nothing ever after midday.
14:20 - 14:30
Oh, really? I think this is why this podcast will be a huge success. I believe most people while they're commuting, they want to hear about these kind of habits.
14:30 - 14:43
They want to hear what are celebrities doing? We're just like you. That's it. We wake up in the morning hungover because we played a music gig with a friend from New Zealand.
14:43 - 14:50
Don't care. We don't care about that. We're just like you. We wake up screaming obscenities and then rain feces down upon our own bathrooms.
14:50 - 14:57
Okay. So once you've successfully done that, I thought you wanted detail. Rushden, you said you want to detail.
14:57 - 15:01
Detail. Suddenly now it's become let's just try and have a pricey of the morning.
15:01 - 15:15
Well, well, well, the whole concept is falling down around you two. I bet the Diary of a CEO guy is regretting getting us to fill in while he went on his holiday when he listens back to this.
15:15 - 15:22
Yeah. Diarrhoea of a CEO. How about that for a podcast idea? Wow. And you would be having diarrhea with all that fucking Huel.
15:22 - 15:35
It's not good for your body. It's either one extreme or the other. Either the Huel is simply sluicing through your body or the Huel is turning from liquid to solid and becoming impacted in your bowel.
15:35 - 15:39
I refuse to believe either. It's neither one of those two things. Can I just clarify?
15:39 - 15:46
I'm really happy for you to stay on this part of your day for as long as you would like to stay on it.
15:46 - 15:54
And I'm in no hurry to move along. We haven't worked out if the podcast should just be an hour long and we get as far through the day as we can.
15:54 - 16:00
As we get. And if we get to 10 a.m., that's it. If we should keep you on until we get to good night.
16:00 - 16:06
And judging on the timing so far, it's going to take about five hours. Now, I've got nothing to do.
16:06 - 16:12
I don't know about David. And I'd happily release this as a whole series. Series one is just Nish Kumar.
16:12 - 16:22
That's all we've done. I'd be interested if we just kept going till Nish had to take his whole podcasting apparatus to the bathroom with him for the second part of the trilogy.
16:22 - 16:28
So if you're happy to move on, Nish. I don't think he is. Because it's gale force winds.
16:28 - 16:43
Yeah. South of the border. Okay. There's debris. It's like the film Twister. And then I brush my teeth.
16:43 - 16:51
The two are not connected. The two are not connected. It's not so explosive. Okay.
16:51 - 16:54
Let me step in here. Are you going to ask about toothbrushes? Because I was going to.
16:54 - 16:59
I'm just going to take one step back from there, but not a full step back to the previous element.
16:59 - 17:06
While this is going on, have you popped a little music on your phone or are you raw-dogging the morning?
17:06 - 17:11
I raw-dog the morning. Wow. I'm just listening to the sound of rolling, roaring thunder.
17:11 - 17:21
Ask him about his toothbrush, Max. Quick. It's like when the vault gets open in Ghostbusters.
17:21 - 17:29
So are we looking at a 50-pound electric toothbrush? Oh, my God, I thought you were about to say something else there.
17:29 - 17:37
50 pounds or something, Max. 50 pounds or something. We're looking at, and listen, this will be a surprise to no one.
17:37 - 17:45
We are looking at an eco-friendly bamboo toothbrush. Great. With the Colgate that you can get in a recyclable tube.
17:45 - 17:51
We're looking at that bullshit. Okay. You are just giving your enemies more fuel with this sort of chat dish.
17:51 - 17:56
Fuel to the fire. And then I don't use water, I use the tears of indigestion.
17:56 - 18:08
Innocent conservative voters. You could have changed your brand on this podcast here today if you'd said, my bed is actually an old Ferrari chassis.
18:08 - 18:18
Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then I wake up, I don't brush my teeth with Colgate, I use ground up mints with pig's blood because I read about it in a Jordan Peterson book.
18:18 - 18:26
He said, that's how you achieve maximum focus for the day is if you use just a load of mints just on your finger and you just rub the mints.
18:26 - 18:32
And then gargle it with pig's blood. Jordan Peterson said it. He's an academic. Why would he lie?
18:32 - 18:39
He's episode two of this as well. So we can clarify that. Episode two should be the name of this episode, I think.
18:39 - 18:51
I have one question. Nish, do you take the toothbrush into the shower? I presume you have a shower after everything else you've told us.
18:51 - 18:58
So here's a very specific and strange detail about me. Unless I am exercising. I only shower at night.
18:58 - 19:03
Wow. Yeah, I can relate. David actually knows some of this stuff about me because we've lived together in Edinburgh.
19:03 - 19:12
He knows about some of my strange habits. But actually, sometimes in Edinburgh, I actually do shower in the day because when you do a show in Edinburgh, you tend to do it in...
19:12 - 19:18
A sweaty little pot. Yeah, a sweaty little pot in a room that is basically the temperature of the devil's anus.
19:18 - 19:23
So you are still naked. You've got to get dressed before you go to Radio X, right?
19:23 - 19:28
I mean, I presume I pop on my outfit for the day, which I have actually...
19:28 - 19:34
Drunk Nish has actually laid out ready. Okay. Did you think, I'm going to Radio X, this is the look that I want?
19:34 - 19:39
Or was it just... No, I thought, here's my style, Max. Okay. Three words. What is washed?
19:39 - 19:46
Yeah. Really good. Whatever's washed is going on the body. I don't even do that.
19:46 - 19:55
It's what's on the floor. Yeah. Is it the same as yesterday? That's fine. Do you have to creep back into the room where you've been as silent as possible?
19:55 - 20:03
No, I'd actually... left my stuff in a separate room. Wow. That is interesting. Because I know about my sort of incidental noise production.
20:03 - 20:09
Are you like Elizabeth I? Do you have six courtiers who then put the Slipknot T-shirt onto you?
20:09 - 20:20
It would be great with my wardrobe to have dresses. And which one of the three outcast T-shirts will it be today, sir?
20:20 - 20:28
Jimi Hendrix. Hmm. Interesting. Have you put any deodorant on, Nish? Yeah, immediate. Clothes go on, the deodorant goes on.
20:28 - 20:31
And now you're just ready to leave the house. No, I'm going to order a taxi.
20:31 - 20:41
I'm going to order a taxi because by this point, it is about ten past seven or it's about five past seven and I'm getting dangerously close to the last possible minute that I can leave my house.
20:41 - 20:45
And do you order an Uber but you didn't want to say Uber because you want to stick up for taxi drivers?
20:45 - 20:56
Hang on. On the basis of the toothbrush incident, he ordered just a single donkey that a solar-powered donkey takes him there.
20:56 - 21:06
And no, no, I ordered an electric black taxi. So shove it up your hole, Dodders.
21:06 - 21:15
Yeah. A man of your words. You're a man of principle. Really good. So I got that into Leicester Square, which is where the radio recording was taking place.
21:15 - 21:23
Do you ever feel awkward about listening to music in a taxi, even a black cab situation where there is a window between you and the driver?
21:23 - 21:27
I think you never feel awkward in a black cab only because it's quite a distance from the driver.
21:27 - 21:35
And I also, I'm afraid to say that I've simply had too many spicy conversations with the cab drivers.
21:35 - 21:42
I've had too many conversations where phrases like the lesbian agenda, that is a genuine phrase that's been used to me in a black cab.
21:42 - 21:48
I've had taxi drivers talk to me about, don't I think that there's too many immigrants in this country?
21:48 - 21:53
And they're like, have you seen my fucking face? So now I just get on with the headphones.
21:53 - 21:59
I just think, let's just live and let live. And my headphones are huge like they're not actually the ones that I'm using, but they're big.
21:59 - 22:05
So the indication is this man is in his own head. It's like trigger happy TV, but with headphones.
22:05 - 22:17
Yeah, it is. Yeah, yeah. Hello. I don't want to talk about immigration. Now, I quite often will just have a song that I want to listen to over and over again on a short car journey.
22:17 - 22:28
Today, it was Billy Joel's River of Dreams. Oh my God. Okay, I'll tell you why this is this ties this whole podcast together now.
22:28 - 22:38
Because in school, we loved putting rude words into popular songs. I mean, yeah, it's the thing that I wonder because there isn't really charts anymore.
22:38 - 22:52
Are the kids doing this? But our Billy Joel River of Dreams rude song was in the middle of the night, I get up and do a shite, which is literally your morning so far.
22:52 - 22:58
You know what, guys? This might not be totally bullshit as a podcast, and I don't say that lightly.
22:58 - 23:06
So, okay, so what are you listening to? It's not Billy Joel. I wonder if I can, I can probably look at it on my...
23:06 - 23:22
Yeah, please do. Because, Nish, would you be worried if you're going to do the radio, you don't want the stuff you say to be unduly influenced by, say, if you listen to a specific episode of In Our Time with Melvin Bragg about the Industrial Revolution,
23:22 - 23:30
you would arrive on Radio X and you would just start talking about the importance of coal in the north of England and the invention of smelting.
23:30 - 23:36
Okay, we don't want to go into the Radio X stuff too much, but what was the big topic?
23:36 - 23:41
You know, what did you bring from your life to you and Matthew Crosby on Radio X yesterday morning?
23:41 - 23:48
So the big topic was what have you not done for 20 years? Big stuff, guys.
23:48 - 24:02
But the reason for that was the night before I had played the guitar in public, which I realized that apart from a small bit of filming on Taskmaster and recording music that my friend Paul Williams has made,
24:02 - 24:13
where it's just him and me in my house, recording me playing the guitar into his laptop, I've not played in public or in front of people for about 20 years since I was at university.
24:13 - 24:17
Wow. It would be lovely to know how that went, but we can't. It's a real shame.
24:17 - 24:27
Yeah. It's a real shame. It's a real, real shame. When you get to Radio X, you're sat there in a room or trying to say, well, we've got to think of something This happens to me often, right?
24:27 - 24:33
Before a show with either Charlie or Barry on TalkSport where it's like someone goes, have you ever accidentally gone to Bournemouth?
24:33 - 24:37
And we give it a try because that actually turned out to be quite a successful one.
24:37 - 24:44
But I mean, I've had that for my entire career. When I was on BBC London, like what's the narrowest street in London?
24:44 - 24:49
And then Bill the cabbie rings up to go, well, Newport Close is narrow. And you go, actually, this wasn't a great phoning.
24:49 - 24:55
Come to that. Our lives are so different. I'm not a shock jock like you guys.
24:55 - 25:00
I just go about normal stuff, just, you know, making money and kissing girls. That's what I do.
25:00 - 25:10
I don't think about what's the best sausage roll you've ever had after midnight. Oh, I immediately thought of a good one, actually, but we can't get into it.
25:10 - 25:20
This is how radio is made. There's a half an hour meeting. But to be honest with you, Matthew and Vin have got some regular features.
25:20 - 25:26
They've planned it out quite rigorously. So a man who has had, I'm going to say, between three and four hours of sleep.
25:26 - 25:32
A man who has had the previous evening the same number of hours of sleep as he had pints of beer.
25:32 - 25:37
The show is not resting on him, is what I would say. Well, that was like a Shakespeare quote there, Nish.
25:37 - 25:47
Yeah, I'd like to think that I made my contributions. We were on air from eight until eleven.
25:47 - 25:55
Oh, that third hour's tough, isn't it? I'm not sure I'd want to go on and do a radio show with someone I didn't know in that physical and mental condition.
25:55 - 26:02
Nish, you haven't eaten. You've made a considerable deposit, let's call it. No, I did eat.
26:02 - 26:09
So my taxi arrives at Leicester Square. I go to a charming, charming patisserie by the name of Pret-a-Manger.
26:09 - 26:16
Ooh, right. And I get a coffee. It's the only thing open in quite a significant chunk of London.
26:16 - 26:21
It's the only thing that really is available. I get a coffee and I get one of those cheese and ham croissants.
26:21 - 26:26
And I would say I ingest that probably in about a minute. Barely chew it.
26:26 - 26:30
Just straight in the hole. It's not a bad one, actually. Their croissants are quite good.
26:30 - 26:35
Yeah, yeah. It was all right, actually. Yeah, it was all right. Straight in the hole and now I'm ready to broadcast.
26:35 - 26:47
Wow. My favourite ever Pret-a-Manger endorsement is in Duff McKeegan, the rhythm guitarist from Guns N' Roses book, where it's like an early piece of SponCon.
26:47 - 26:53
I don't know why I was reading it, but one of the chapters ends with he thinks there's only one of them.
26:53 - 26:57
He thinks, and I wouldn't be surprised if it's that one. He's covered the Pret-a-Manger.
26:57 - 27:02
Yeah, like it's a little French place in London. They do fresh salads and numerous sandwiches.
27:02 - 27:08
If you're there, you got to check it out. Thanks, Duff. Back to tales of doing poo-poos in air conditioners.
27:08 - 27:17
Was he with all of Guns N' Roses at the time? That would be an odd band to see if he went into a Pret early one morning.
27:17 - 27:21
They'd just released their Christmas sandwich and he was stood next to Axl Rose would be a...
27:21 - 27:29
What would he order? He'd definitely order the hot meatball pocket. I think that's the most Axl Rose type thing.
27:29 - 27:38
I can't really imagine Axl Rose eating. I sort of imagine Axl Rose having quite an odd exchange with the person behind the counter asking if they serve Jim Beam.
27:38 - 27:43
I mean, the only way to find this out is to get him on this podcast.
27:43 - 27:51
Let's get Axl Rose on the pod. So I thought Elton John would be the best because I'd love to know what he did yesterday but Axl Rose would be strong.
27:51 - 27:56
Okay, are we going straight through the radio show? David, do you have any more thoughts about the radio programme?
27:56 - 28:03
No, I feel the radio programme is its own thing. For completists of our show, they can go back and probably listen to Nitch's entire radio show.
28:03 - 28:09
Yeah, you can. Absolutely, you can go. If you really want to get the full experience of my day.
28:09 - 28:13
Well, the one question is had anybody not done something for 20 years that was sort of remarkable?
28:13 - 28:20
Someone said they hadn't shit themselves for 20 years. Oh, come on. Matthew Crosby and I were both in slight disbelief at it.
28:20 - 28:26
No, I haven't. You haven't shit yourself for 20 years? I would say I haven't. I don't think after four years old.
28:26 - 28:35
I don't think. Listen, I'm not saying like we do it for kicks, but, you know, even after some catastrophic intestinal mishap.
28:35 - 28:40
Look, I hate to pull rank here as the secondary host and to the guest.
28:40 - 28:54
Stop talking about shitting you two. But you have shat yourself, David. You shat yourself because you put protein powder in white wine and then you shat yourself on your walk home.
28:55 - 29:02
That has happened to you. OK, Max, in future, let's never get a guest that knows anything about me, please.
29:02 - 29:08
No. The drink will go down in history as called Chardon Whey. Yeah, that's it.
29:08 - 29:14
It was a mixture of those two things. Yeah. You went to a party to celebrate the modernization of Ireland.
29:14 - 29:21
You hadn't eaten anything. You found some protein powder and you put it in white wine because you thought that would be fine.
29:21 - 29:30
And then you shat your pants on the way home. I think the most interesting thing about it, just to bring it out of that act to a slightly more philosophical realm,
29:30 - 29:43
was that because it was the first time that I had shat myself in 30 years, more than that, 40 years, the thing itself sort of sits in a shelf that it creates at the back of your jeans.
29:43 - 29:52
But it was amazing because I wouldn't say I've shat myself since I was about three, but as soon as I did it, my whole brain was like, oh yeah, this again.
29:52 - 30:01
It's still there Yeah, no, I'm conscious that some people listening would say this has gone more fecal than perhaps that we intended.
30:01 - 30:06
And maybe in the debrief after this podcast, we can say, look, how can we get around that for next one?
30:06 - 30:11
You know, possibly not every guest would be so willing. Axl Rose will. Oh, Axl Rose.
30:11 - 30:17
God, that'll be terrible, won't it? It's all he'll want to talk about. Okay, so then the show finishes.
30:17 - 30:29
What's happening now? The show finishes. I am immediately returning home because at this point, now that we're off air and the general camaraderie of being in the radio studio has dissipated,
30:29 - 30:37
my hangover has returned with force. Yeah, I can relate to this now. Yeah, there would be something of a high having been on the radio for...
30:37 - 30:47
Yeah, real fun, felt good, lots of adrenaline. And then as soon as that ended, you're suddenly like, I'm 38 years old and I have had more alcohol than is advisable the evening before.
30:47 - 30:59
Yeah, I've done a thing a few times in my life, mostly around, I mean, I'm primarily known as a podcaster now, but I used to do stand-up comedy and there's times just at the side,
30:59 - 31:08
I wouldn't be a religious person, but there's times where I ask the baby Jesus to please just do me a solid for the next hour and a half.
31:08 - 31:15
And then afterwards, in fairness to BJ, he does his thing, but then afterwards, he's like, you're on your own now, son.
31:15 - 31:26
One of the greatest performances I've ever seen is at the Melbourne Comedy Festival when you had to do a kid's show after we had been out until three in the morning.
31:26 - 31:38
Oh my goodness. And actually, me and Rosemary Feo, who we were also on a kind of night out with, woke up in solidarity with you and went to watch because we felt so bad for you.
31:38 - 31:46
It's Lazarus-esque. The fact, because it was a kid's show. It was like one in the afternoon and they were all just screaming at you.
31:46 - 31:52
I had gone presuming that we were going to end up in some sort of like, I don't know, Kramer-style situation.
31:52 - 31:56
I had my camera phone ready. Okay, so Darcy, we had a meltdown with the children.
31:56 - 32:12
But actually, it was an incredible, incredible feat of performance. Yeah. My memory of it was the children, I would reach the end of a funny joke and the children would either laugh or not laugh.
32:12 - 32:26
And if they didn't laugh, I would just hear the sounds of Nish Kumar and Rose Matafeo laughing so heartily as I had mucked up a clear setup to a punchline that I had then forgotten.
32:26 - 32:33
So Nish, we're in a taxi home, I presume. We're in a taxi home. Headphones back on.
32:33 - 32:41
Headphones back on. Same song? Having a first listen to the new Villagers album. I haven't listened to a new song since like early 2000s.
32:41 - 32:47
Since Top Loader. So it means nothing to me. The last new song you heard was Dancing in the Moonlight.
32:47 - 32:51
I think it was. And that famously is a cover. Love it. Absolutely love it.
32:51 - 33:03
I once had a compilation cassette at university and I did like, for a short amount of time, I liked that song enough to tape over Pink Floyd's Wish You Were Here.
33:03 - 33:16
With Dancing in the Moonlight? Dancing in the Moonlight. I know, I'm sorry. Max, sorry, I know this isn't the brief for this podcast, but it's an incredibly sad song, Dancing in the Moonlight.
33:16 - 33:28
He's being mugged on a beach in the Caribbean. It's a King Crimson song originally and he's looking out as he's having the shit kicked out of him at a boat where there is a party going on as he's getting...
33:28 - 33:33
Sounds like the sort of opening scene to a Death in Paradise, the way you've described it.
33:33 - 33:36
I haven't seen Death in Paradise, but I assume people don't get violently beaten up.
33:36 - 33:40
Like a murder. There's a murder every show. I know, but it's like one of those where it's like...
33:40 - 33:43
It's like a happy murder, yeah. Yeah, he choked on some of his own money.
33:43 - 33:53
Yeah. He was hit by a six every time someone hit a six out of the stadium and it killed a vicar again.
33:53 - 34:01
Okay. You listen to... The village people. You've got a straight home. Can't wait. Obviously, that's what we're now going to call him.
34:01 - 34:07
We're David and I friends with Connor O'Brien and we will now be referring to him exclusively as the village people.
34:07 - 34:15
Could you send him my apologies? Home? What, straight in, lie down? What happens? Straight into my house.
34:15 - 34:26
Yeah. Toilet, part two. But we won't dwell on it. Okay. Back downstairs. And then this was the point where I had a very clear moment of I can't believe I'm going to have to describe this day.
34:26 - 34:32
I sit, I lie on my sofa. Yeah. That is then where I remain, I would say, for the next five hours.
34:32 - 34:39
Okay, this is, now we've got something. So this is where sport is very good.
34:39 - 34:44
Yes. And that sport certainly is a huge part of why I was there for five hours.
34:44 - 34:50
Right. Okay. The games weren't great, were they? No, I actually, I put on... Speedway.
34:50 - 34:58
Please say Speedway. No, I didn't put on Speedway. I sort of lay down on the sofa I watched some Abbott Elementary, the sitcom.
34:58 - 35:04
Very enjoyable. Had a nice time. Very cool. I watched a few episodes of that.
35:04 - 35:10
Then I watched some old episodes of The Office. Just really not making use of my one precious life.
35:10 - 35:15
Yeah. And it was just one of those moments where you realise, oh, it's half past four.
35:15 - 35:24
Wow. I've managed to successfully pass three hours without any time noticing. Oh, and I watched one episode of Taskmaster.
35:24 - 35:28
That was a new television programme that I hadn't seen. And I ate a full Nando's.
35:28 - 35:35
What's the order? Come on. Half chicken, extra hot, the quinoa and sun-dried tomato salad.
35:35 - 35:42
Wow. And peri chips. Bang. No need for sauces. I already have bottles of Nando's sauce in my house.
35:42 - 35:46
There was a fear that Dave and I had that people would change their day.
35:46 - 35:53
Obviously, we say, will you come on this podcast? Here's the premise. We were worried that people would try and really ramp up what they did.
35:53 - 36:00
And on our first episode, the man has basically just defecated and lain on the sofa for five hours.
36:00 - 36:06
At what point did you realise that Nish was giving us the whole truth and nothing but the truth?
36:06 - 36:18
This is how Rogan started, guys. This was the foot. You go back and listen to the first Rogan.
36:18 - 36:37
I sometimes, maybe in a worse state than, simply four pints, four hours Nish, there are times I will watch specific sporting events on YouTube that I know the result of because a lot of the time it's in the title of the video.
36:37 - 36:45
But nonetheless, because of my state, I will still hold some jeopardy that it's possible it won't turn out this way.
36:45 - 36:54
Maybe I've misremembered Ireland beating England in Euro 88. I better watch the match again just to make sure.
36:54 - 36:58
You've got to do something to manage your emotional state. If I'm hungover, I will.
36:58 - 37:07
If I accidentally chance upon an Instagram reel of a hedgehog having its needles brushed with a toothbrush, I will burst into tears almost immediately.
37:07 - 37:16
I don't know if you get to that state. I would say that what I've discovered as I've got older is my chemical-free state is most people's hungover state.
37:16 - 37:26
So I'm liable to cry at any point in my life. But actually, weirdly, when I'm hungover, I'm least likely to because I think when I'm hungover, my body is so dehydrated.
37:26 - 37:33
It's fixing other parts. There's no way for tears to come out here. You've dried us out with that Sambuca.
37:33 - 37:38
Yeah, so you get to 4.30. We get to 4.30. This is the next key marker of my day.
37:38 - 37:49
The Man United game is kicking off. Fine. Right, okay. So I've watched about two hours of sitcoms that I've watched before, one new episode of Taskmaster over in Ando's, and now it's half past four.
37:49 - 37:53
The game's kicking off. You've made it. Basically, you've made it. You've achieved what you wanted to do in the day.
37:53 - 37:58
I've made it to the key signpost of the day. Where's Mrs. Kumar in all of this?
37:58 - 38:04
At this point, she is... She's still asleep. That's how quiet she's been the whole time.
38:04 - 38:13
She's just... I was too quiet. This is what happens. I was too quiet and she did not awake.
38:13 - 38:25
She has been about her day and at 4.30, she is going to swim and I am doing the opposite of exercise in that I'm lying on my sofa watching other people exercise.
38:25 - 38:29
And are you thinking about having another drink when the football begins? No, not at all.
38:29 - 38:34
I cannot stress this enough. There is nothing making me want to. Even the sight of Casemiro jogging...
38:34 - 38:44
jogging back like he was chasing a bus he wasn't really interested in catching in the first place does not drive me to the drink.
38:44 - 38:51
So, Nish, we're not interested in your football match that you had played in, the Taskmaster charity game of football.
38:51 - 38:57
But are you still nursing any injuries from that physically as you're lying on the couch?
38:57 - 39:03
No, so to be clear I wouldn't be nursing anything because I was commentating on the game.
39:03 - 39:11
So mainly the only person nursing injuries was Ellis James who was nursing a bruised ego because I used my platform as a commentator to destroy him psychologically.
39:11 - 39:18
And how is Ellis? He's still recovering. We're not interested but what did you just give us a rough...
39:18 - 39:32
So I play football with Ellis on a weekly basis and when we play against each other he's an attacking player I'm a defensive player he's a lot better than me and fitter than me but I have a huge advantage he's psychologically weak.
39:32 - 39:40
And so very early I start saying things like you're absolute shit at football I can't believe this this is embarrassing for you.
39:40 - 39:45
And it works. And it works completely his head goes completely. I'm a student of Alex Ferguson.
39:45 - 39:50
Right. And the mind games begin. So for some reason when I was commentating I extended that.
39:50 - 39:59
I was notionally the sporting director of the team Ellis was playing against. So I used the microphone I was given to continuously talk about how rubbish he was and really get in his head.
39:59 - 40:05
So I was not nursing any injuries. Right. So did you leave the sofa at any point during the game including halftime?
40:05 - 40:13
It's two hours. Two hours. No. Not not. No. No I did not. I lay on the sofa.
40:13 - 40:18
No. Not once. Not once. It was definitely a halftime in the game I thought.
40:18 - 40:26
Really an unfortunate day to do this podcast. I had got done. Coke out of the fridge and the cab was in front of me.
40:26 - 40:31
I had left the sofa to pee so that I was in the clear. Yeah.
40:31 - 40:41
I'd got a water a diet Coke and I just lay there with the sort of char-grilled carcass of my Nando's in front of me and then I watched Man United Arsenal and I did not move.
40:41 - 40:48
The game finishes. As all games must. As all games must. Is that a trigger for you to move?
40:48 - 41:00
Yeah. Nish is this the point where you put on your little tiny shorts and you look literally couched to 5k sprinting through the streets of Brixton like Rocky in Rocky.
41:00 - 41:12
No, no. At this point I sort of get up I send a string of furious text messages to my brother which is that is the sort of standard post-Manchester United catastrophe process.
41:12 - 41:24
Yeah. He and I exchange a string of text messages what a load of shit absolute rubbish and then at 6.30pm I start to contemplate whether I should try and do something with my day.
41:24 - 41:42
Ah, now. So we can delete everything up until now. Then I decide no point it's 6.30pm at which point I leave the sofa to get one of my guitars I sit down with that and then I play that guitar for one hour.
41:42 - 41:47
Wow. What do you play? I got a new guitar and so I'm just going through the paces with it.
41:47 - 42:15
G-D-N-A is it just G-D-N-A for now? Just G-D-N-A There is a house in New Orleans they call the rising sun So that's an hour still on the sofa Again the thought goes through my mind I can't believe I have to talk to two cubs about this tomorrow
42:15 - 42:22
So it's 7.30pm now around about Yeah it's late it's late Is she still swimming?
42:22 - 42:38
No no no she's back she's back She's back at the house Just sorry we've glossed over something there Nish sometimes because I would do that I'll sit down at a piano or a tiny keyboard Yeah yeah Do you sometimes believe you've written a hit while you're doing it?
42:38 - 42:46
No I never believe that I've written a hit Ever I'm very rarely playing original music Okay right Have you ever written songs?
42:46 - 42:58
Sometimes I've written a hit and then I remember it's I Feel Fine by the Beatles This lick is sounding insane Oh yeah Oh yeah I Feel Fine by the Beatles I got a record deal once What?
42:58 - 43:07
What? Yeah This isn't the Story of My Life podcast Max is the only person I know who can just throw in a line When did you have a record deal?
43:07 - 43:18
I'll tell you what On Soccer AM in the glory years would bring up my clarinet frequently and the producer of Soccer AM hated me mentioning my clarinet because he said quote Northerners will think you're gay Right?
43:18 - 43:40
Now that's sort of the level It's unbelievable Right? What an incredible What an incredible economy of language No The economy of language ratio to number of groups offended by that statement is astonishing You've managed to offend gay people Yeah Northerners Yeah The woodwind community and clarinet players
43:40 - 43:56
The woodwind community It's astonishing So I kept mentioning it right I kept bringing it up and then eventually like he came around I played the EastEnders theme on Soccer AM as Dion Dublin played on his dube his drum that he'd invented You don't need to tell me about
43:56 - 44:11
Dion Dublin's dube Again to bring us full circle I was at a music festival doing stand-up The music festival was called Vestival and the headlining act was Top Loader who for Dancing on the Moonlight were joined by Dion Dublin playing his dube and earlier in the day
44:11 - 44:30
Dion had given an exhibition performance of his dube and I looked across and there was a man who looked vaguely familiar filming I realised it was Darren Huckabee Of course it was Of course it was Okay hang on I've got to fill in background to the listeners here
44:30 - 44:46
I feel We're going to have a massive audience in parts of the world who maybe don't know who Darren Huckabee is Well Dion Dublin hang on Whoa whoa whoa Dion Dublin was an unused substitute for many years He scored a lot of goals for Cambridge United Yeah
44:46 - 45:04
He's my hero And he retired then and moved into he presents Homes Under the Hummer This guy has done so much Yeah this guy's had a career man He was a professional footballer Now he presents property renovation television programs But he also invented a percussive instrument
45:04 - 45:25
called the duke Yeah Amazing Amazing guy He's like a renaissance man Sorry is this true and you two are the No Maybe the only two people I know His dad wasn't in Shawty Waddy This isn't a Dion Dublin His father invented Dublin City No Anyway it's 7.30 Nish
45:25 - 45:41
Through the series I'll drop in the record deal You'll have to listen to the whole series to get to the bottom of the songs I wrote about unrequited love when Warner Music gave me £5,000 It was quite amazing Was it on clarinet Sorry just one tiny little wrinkle
45:41 - 45:52
No no It was on the guitar So Amy Macdonald I'll tell the story now we're here She came on Soccer AM and I went great album there's no clarinet on it and she went come and do the next single and I was like yeah whatever
45:52 - 46:05
and then her man her manager said come and do the next single so we filmed the video I play a busker and then I recorded the clarinet part of this single and I played the Hammersmith Apollo in front of 5,000 people it was insane but as I was packing
46:05 - 46:16
the clarinet away I started singing and I can't really sing and her manager was like oh you can sing why don't I sign you it's like a Heineken advert and I was like alright and then he said oh look we went for a coffee and he just rang
46:16 - 46:30
Warner Music and said oh I've got you a publishing deal here's 5,000 pounds right it's 5,000 pounds what about musicians poor musicians I know and so then I wrote some songs and I never released them because they weren't very good but also have you seen Nick Knoll's song
46:30 - 46:50
An Eye for an Eye on YouTube have you ever seen that yeah of course and I just thought that could be me and I can't have that so I'd like Adele to sing them but look it's 7.30 it's 8pm you've played your guitar it's hard to move on
46:50 - 47:10
in this podcast when Max has just just I'll just leave this out there yeah just casually got me a publishing deal anyway Nish tell us more about shitting and eating chicken everything interesting is happening on the periphery of this podcast maybe that is the genius of it
47:10 - 47:27
it's absolutely incredible it's 7.30 so it's 7.30 my girlfriend suggests we order Nando's no poke bowl get some vegetables in your body great idea we eat the poke bowl we watch a second taskmaster bringing us up to date with the broadcasting right
47:27 - 47:56
at this point she starts to do some tidying around the house and I return to the sofa with the acoustic guitar I return to the sofa how many roads must a man walk down return to the sofa return to the sofa start watching the Jimi Hendrix documentary
47:56 - 48:10
that I put on and she said absolutely not turn it off right because there is a tendency if she's not policing what I'm watching that we'll end up watching a documentary she likes Jimi Hendrix but not enough to only watch documentaries about Jimi Hendrix yeah
48:10 - 48:21
I stick on the Band of Gypsies documentary oh sorry I do forget I did go for a walk oh wow okay at like half past eight I was like I have to leave the sofa okay
48:21 - 48:34
and so I have to go for a walk just around my neighbourhood okay is it a walk you normally do is it like a popular walk you do yeah it's just a it's like it's like it's like a three kilometre circuit in South London I do it
48:34 - 48:54
do you have the acoustic on while you're walking yeah yeah I just roam the streets I'm a troubadour baby what can I say someone sings in me I'm like Leonard Bernstein I have a brief furious conversation with my brother just again reflecting on Manchester United result and performance
48:54 - 49:10
and then I stick on what was I listening to yesterday I listened to Mark Maron interview Chris Pine seems like a charming guy how much did they talk about Chris's toilet habits on that there was almost no discussion of Pine's defecation maybe it's a trick
49:10 - 49:23
if you really want to know what WTF Mark Maron WTF is up with Chris Pine's guts that's what I want to know I imagine they smell of air freshener weirdly so you get in you open the door and that's pre-pokeball right
49:23 - 49:36
no post-pokeball post-pokeball it's quite late it's like 9 o'clock I've decided to go quite late because I think I feel like I need I feel like you do also people keep texting me saying god it's so hot and I'm like is it it's quite nice on my sofa
49:36 - 49:54
I'm glad you moved a bit lives are all about action and reaction and I see what's happened here it's this sort of sins of the night before you got away with it maybe you needed Manchester United to lose to Arsenal 1-0 I see this as a real
49:54 - 50:12
positive Nish because a lot of people wouldn't have the motivation to then be like I'm going to turn this day around sure it's 8pm but it's not too late brackets it was 9pm it's 9pm when we were devising if devise is perhaps too highfalutin a word for
50:12 - 50:23
what this podcast is for six texts the thought I had was what would be interesting is listeners can think while Nish Kumar was on the sofa for five minutes five hours something big someone probably gave birth right
50:23 - 50:38
went through the whole birthing process while you were lying on the sofa so that's that's how I feel this will people will go oh wow while this was happening Nish was just horizontal for the whole time the whole time I think that's an important part of the journey
50:38 - 50:51
that we're currently on yeah on the walk psychologically Nish do you think you did turn it round from life can get on top of you particularly after the evening before and then
50:51 - 51:08
sport didn't save you you reached out to Manchester United please save me and Manchester United said absolutely not absolutely not so then you walked for three kilometres I'll tell you what I will say that all through this day in spite of my chemical issues
51:08 - 51:22
I am in a very good mood because the previous evening did go well no interest so I'm actually in broadly quite a positive frame of mind I sent the same text I'm still buzzing from life last night to three separate people who?
51:22 - 51:40
James Acaster Rose Mataveo and Paul Williams all of whom were on stage it was relevant right it wasn't just me it wasn't just me reaching out to my phone book whenever I'm feeling great I text James Acaster he doesn't know I am Nish here's something
51:40 - 51:46
to stay on the subject of your phone did you take any photos on that phone in the whole day?
51:46 - 52:04
good question again not the night before but this day only one way to find out not that we need documentary evidence because I believe you that all of these things happened because if you had made up any of this it would be so so sad
52:04 - 52:27
I took one photo yesterday oh no I took one photo yesterday and it was my Nando's receipt because two of the items were not delivered wow what a day so the only photo that I took was to register a complaint with Deliveroo did you register the complaint yeah
52:27 - 52:41
and has there been any listen if I order a paradise pot and peri drizzle I expect a paradise pot and peri drizzle absolutely fair wow Nish Karen yeah those are the only photos right
52:41 - 52:54
that is the only photo on my phone from yesterday okay so you've come in the door you've had your walk you've turned the day around turned the day around we're now what must be 10 o'clock 10 o'clock yeah thinking about time for bed yeah you've got to shower though
52:54 - 53:06
because you haven't showered yet got to shower got to shower stink yeah hot myself in the shower he puts on peri peri he has a bottle of peri peri in the shower yeah I have a bottle of peri peri in the shower I neck half a
53:06 - 53:19
bottle of peri peri in the shower what are you using I'm using my Sanex soap okay and I'm using my curl shampoo right and curl conditioner okay then I retire to bed well hang on whoa whoa whoa well I'm trying to talk around this
53:19 - 53:33
but I had to do another shit Max there you go I'm trying to spare you stop talking about your shits and now you're like well I need more forensic detail on what happened in the bathroom I'll tell you what happened in the bathroom Max the Nando's
53:33 - 53:44
was a laid to waste yeah I asked you how long you were in the shower for so unless it happened in the shower you didn't need to bring that up it didn't happen in the shower I sit down I put on my Cillian Murphy goggles
53:44 - 54:08
and all hell broke loose then Nish I had one of those bamboo toothbrushes for a while yeah I found the gauge of the handle was too big in my mouth it felt like I was washing my teeth with a toilet brush I'll be honest that's interesting
54:08 - 54:20
because my one feels like a very normal sized toothbrush I think you were washing your mouth with a toilet brush you were washing your mouth with an ethical toilet brush yeah you know when you would squish all the harpic duck into your mouth and then you just
54:20 - 54:37
wait a second here you could if you wanted to David just leave one of those fresheners in your mouth all day yeah yeah just hook it to the corner of your mouth okay so you shower one towel or are you a two towel man are people
54:37 - 54:50
two towel people I bet there are I sometimes am ladies in 1990s sitcoms are two towel people yeah yeah they are because that's one for the body one for the hair but I've recently had a haircut so my hair is not in need of its own
54:50 - 55:04
specific towel attention okay and then somehow I'm only in bed at midnight I don't know what activities I think there's probably a lot of phone based time drain at that point yeah there's a lot of match reports to read about a football match I just watched yeah
55:04 - 55:16
there's a lot of player ratings to consider are you doing this in bed or are you doing this just sort of in another room no in bed by this point I'm in bed but what I mean is like there is a long time delay between me showering
55:16 - 55:32
and me actually going to sleep but a lot of that is me arguably the most pointless thing that I've done today which bear in mind you've all heard the day is me reading match reports and analysis of a football match I watched and that wasn't actually
55:32 - 55:47
a particularly good or interesting football match Nish did you order anything did you order any products I mean I would find sometimes in a day like this that has had this nice arc to it maybe in the evening I might then think you know what I need
55:47 - 56:09
I need a copy of Miles Davis 1962 album on vinyl no yeah you and I are quite similar men so that is something that very often happens I think what I'm fundamentally understanding here is to external observers this is quite a bleak day in my head I'm thinking
56:09 - 56:24
this has been an absolute winner in my head because I got up at 6.30 in the morning I'm like all bets are off I think because I did three hours of reading I worked yeah Nish stop sounding so defensive no one is judging you here at all
56:24 - 56:36
we are like it's just a fact-finding mission that's all it is is a fact-finding mission yeah just therapists who occasionally just go and and you just keep going and now you feel terrible yeah well
56:36 - 56:52
the only thing that I feel was time wasted was the amount of time I spent reading match reports about a football match I watched and how do you get to sleep Nish I find that when I'm with someone I won't put on a podcast whereas sometimes I
56:52 - 57:10
listen to a podcast on the disappearance of the Mary Celeste last night and then unfortunately that infused my dreams then I'm quite a bad sleeper in general and one of the things that I have found is the sitcom Modern Family is like an anesthetic to me wow
57:10 - 57:24
it genuinely is yeah I stick on an episode of Modern Family and I am out like a light either that or I watch I have my iPad and I will occasionally stick on like an episode of something that I've already seen before or at the minute
57:24 - 57:38
I'm in a very strange phase of watching the old X-Men films oh yeah because I've seen them so many times I sort of put it on and then I just find myself just drifting off to sleep it's your Ireland against England in Euro 88 yeah it is yeah yeah
57:38 - 57:50
you're like there's no way that's gonna happen and actually for me sleep has often been a source of a lot of stress like the process of getting to sleep so I think my late evening walk the fact that I'd had between three and four
57:50 - 58:04
hours sleep the night before and the ten minutes of X2 that I watched bang I was out like a light and not only was I out like a light I only awoke at my alarm so that was a hugely successful night's sleep and now you're asleep
58:04 - 58:18
so we don't care anymore outside of the purview outside of the purview I do wonder if this would be a good podcast to listen to while people are getting to sleep I feel like not this one the idea of it would be like oh this could be
58:18 - 58:32
quite a soothing thing but this one's been quite jagged in places if I was to describe it that way Nish if that's okay what are you talking about the constant talk about me shitting certainly the first half there was a lot of it but then I think
58:32 - 58:47
we moved into a more philosophical realm in the second half we got we got yeah we got it became more philosophical yeah what is the day what is a good day what is the use of time yeah these are the questions that we're trying to answer
58:47 - 59:05
these are the questions and I feel like you have started us on that journey Nish so thank you diarrhea of a CEO Shattatooey that's where Nish wears a chef's hat with a rat in it that tells him when to take a dump thanks Nish thanks for coming on
59:05 - 59:33
my absolute pleasure fellas thanks Nish we'll chat tomorrow to find out how today went oh yeah sorry Nish you've signed up to this every day of your life you need to go through the previous day I'm Truman Showing myself thanks Nish Kumar thank you so there we are
59:33 - 59:44
there's the first episode we ever did David thank you Nish our little high-pitched voices back when we were yeah yeah yeah we hadn't seen half the stuff we've seen in the world now
59:44 - 59:59
well we knew a lot less about yesterday's to be honest but when he said what you need to know is once I put my feet on the ground I have 30 seconds to get to a toilet that yeah I've thought about that even though this hasn't been broadcast
59:59 - 1:00:14
in maybe eight months yeah I've thought about that most days but also also because I remember when we were recording episode one and we're thinking I wonder how this is going to work what's going to happen you know does it matter what day the person's had
1:00:14 - 1:00:28
and then he said and from one till seven I lay on the sofa yeah and you're like okay is this a bad thing felt like a good thing to me yeah I think when I approached this podcast I was thinking oh we have to get people who've had
1:00:28 - 1:00:49
touching the void type days of falling into glaciers and crawling back to base camp and almost that is it six hour period where he did absolutely nothing nothing that revealed to me now the essence of this low performance podcast is a man lying on a couch ordering Deliveroo
1:00:49 - 1:01:03
and then being angry at Deliveroo because they've given him some wrong part of his order I think that might have been where this podcast was truly born yeah thank you David thanks for series one I can't wait for series two I know we've got a long way
1:01:03 - 1:01:51
to wait but I'm really looking forward to it Sundays we'll see you with something listeners next Sunday yeah series two begins next week