S2 EP1: Dara Ó Briain

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Podcasts, there are millions of them. Some might say too many. I have one already.

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I don't have any, because there are enough. Politics, business, sport, you name it, there's a podcast about it, and they all ask the big questions and cover the hot topics of the day.

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But nobody is covering the most important topic of all. Why is that? Are they scared?

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Too afraid of being censored by the man? Possibly, but not us. We're here to ask the only question that matters.

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We try and say it at the same time, Max. What did you do yesterday?

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What did you do yesterday? That's it. All we're interested in is what the guests got up to yesterday.

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Nothing more. Day before yesterday, Max? Nope. The greatest and most interesting day of your life?

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Unless it was yesterday, we don't want to know about it. I'm Max Rushden. And I'm David O'Doherty.

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Welcome to What Did You Do Yesterday? Welcome to episode one of series two. I know we've been away for a long time, David.

1:05 - 1:15

What have you been up to? I've just tried to really concentrate on developing myself and becoming a different person to how I was in series one.

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Because some of series one was pretty stupid, I think, Max, whereas what I envision series two is more like an in our time.

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We interviewed the finest minds, and we talked to them about the most important things.

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Yeah, what I'm feeling from series two is self-improvement. That's what I feel like what I've realized is.

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And it took me a while to realize this, that I really have the power to change people's lives for the better.

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And it was kind of bestowed upon. I didn't realize that I had that kind of sway over people.

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And in many ways, it's a burden. But I carry it with a lightness of touch that makes me think I can really through these podcasts, I will make the world a better place.

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That's how I feel about it. But I don't want to say that out loud.

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Yeah, I am embarrassed. Like when I think of some of the stuff we would talk about in the first series of this, obviously this is the second series.

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It's a completely new thing. I hear a different person when I listen back to those old episodes.

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Oh, yeah. And what's wonderful about this first episode, which I know some listeners would want it to stay that kind of superficial silliness.

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But obviously now we've realized the sort of depth that we can, into people's psyche that we can get.

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I think this first episode with another guest book by me, Dara O'Briain, the way he begins the episode will make you understand exactly how we're looking for a different tone, I would say.

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And it might upset a few people, but, you know, we can be certain that the way he starts the podcast, it's an interesting observation that something has been omitted from all previous episodes, I would suggest.

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Yeah. It's, we're teachers now. And the first lesson we learn isn't necessarily the lesson we thought we were going to learn.

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But if you are listening with your own children, it's something that you guys don't have to talk about between yourselves.

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Here's Dara. Dara O'Briain, welcome to What Did You Do Yesterday? Yes. It's a pleasure to be here on the Wadidi, as it's known in the industry.

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I've listened to a few Wadidis so far and they've always been great. So just to be clear, Dara, in case you don't understand what happens on the podcast, we ask you what you did yesterday.

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Okay. Many of the questions I had about the podcast are answered by the title of the podcast.

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Sorry. Yeah. You're getting emotional already. I know it is one of those where I'm tearing up.

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I mean, we really will delve into some of the biggest and smallest moments of yesterday.

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It is interesting though, because the call came yesterday, which is exciting in a kind of a quantum.

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We're playing with the observer, interrupting the actual activity kind of. Yeah. I mean, because instantly Dave said, would you do the podcast?

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And you instantly go, Oh no. Why did I masturbate so much this morning? And I have to go through it all.

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I have to go through all of that with Max. There's an interesting point you make is that quite a lot of the feedback has been that there's been no discussion of masturbation because we tended not to ask that question.

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Maybe we should, Dara. I don't know. I've merely presumed when everyone says I spent some time in the morning online, I went to some of my favorite websites that that is drawing a discreet veil over what may have happened between seven and eight.

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The thing when Ed Gamble was talking about looking at luxury watches on YouTube. He's certainly examining his own wrist.

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But the giveaway was afterwards he had 36 egg whites just to get back on an even keel again.

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Because his protein levels had dropped quite dramatically over time. So by the way, and obviously the great kind of construction is that we make no mention of the day previous.

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Nope. So therefore any kind of historical, like causations or anything that ripples a path through time, we cannot explain them.

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They occurred in a previous universe and they can't be. I've always found it strange when in other interview podcasts or TV shows or anything where they refer to where they try and connect things with people's past.

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I've always found that. Why would I give any context? Why give any kind of everything should just be an instantaneous reaction to what situation is the moment.

5:54 - 6:06

Sure. And of all, of all contexts of all kind of meaning. Like where are we to have say Paul Meskel on, you know, he would presumably want to talk about gladiator or whatever film he's in at the moment.

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Was he in gladiator that day? No, he wasn't in gladiator that day. So he doesn't have to.

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So, so that's good. No, I like that. No context is good. I woke early, drenched in blood.

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None of it, my own blood. I immediately incinerated all the clothes, washed the shovel and then had a shower while listening to a police radio.

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None of this is important. And then did you have breakfast? A little later. What I did was I woke early, I bloated, cleaned all evidence, and then sneaked upstairs, climbed into bed with my wife so that she would not know that I had left during the night.

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But that's not important. It's funny you mentioned that. When I started on local radio, I was really nervous and I didn't have a clue what I was doing.

6:47 - 6:55

And I had a sort of list of questions. If I interviewed someone and they said, I killed a man yesterday, I would then, you know, it was like the Cambridge United manager.

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I then say, you know, are you going to make any changes? And I was like, this is absolutely incapable of dealing with what, you know, don't give me an answer that I have to react to.

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I don't want that. Okay. Come on up, Dara. Seriously now. Apologies. Okay. I did not murder anyone with a shovel and then creep into bed by my wife or sob in the shower.

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Actually, yes, I initially woke at six going, why am I awake at six? And it's because my wife had got up.

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I had sensed a disturbance in the force and had woken because of that. Or it was the movements of children in the house, which is enough for me to go,

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am I needed this morning? And I, it wasn't. So I went back to sleep.

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By contrast, this doesn't happen every day. Today I was up doing a school run, but yesterday I was not.

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There were sufficient hands on deck for me to continue to live my young comedian's lifestyle.

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I've managed to keep going until 52, where I stay up late. And by the way, the reason I got to bed late was not because I was up creating comedy.

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I started watching a documentary about the Jonestown massacre and I watched two episodes of it.

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And then we had the Richard Goode event and that's what kept me up. But I, I, woke up, heard noises, was aware of people moving and life occurring in the house.

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And they read, I am not central to this this morning. I am going to return to sleep.

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And I went back to sleep and then woke up when all of that had happened.

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It's interesting that Captain Physics is already poking holes in the very concept of this podcast, because is that technically that interbellum or whatever you call it?

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Yes. Is that yesterday? Does his yesterday begin simply when he does a giant, giant fart and then rolls back over to go back to sleep?

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I don't know. I had noted 6.11 a.m. I had seen that 6.11 a.m. existed.

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And then realized that this is not central to my needs for the day. And I returned to what I was.

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It sounds to me, David, like he is in a conscious state at 6.11. So I think it does pass.

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That's the start of the day. I'm very happy. Look, I'm given that like none of this day is a refutation of the sense of my children.

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That I do nothing that I have managed to carve out a life of complete indolence.

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So yes, I was up at 6.11 actually. And then I go, but you weren't up at like 7.20 when I was up.

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I was like, yes, that is, that's moot. I was up. I checked the house was safe.

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I made sure everything was all right. I rolled over and returned to bed. Did it all happen in the minute of 6.11?

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Do you think within a minute you were conscious, noted, I'm not needed back to sleep just like that?

9:24 - 9:33

Yeah, I think I had enough time to register that at 6.11. So my, my wife has gone because she has to go to work to be like a really productive member of society.

9:33 - 9:44

But her side of the bed is probably still warm. So I move over there in a mood is indicative of like a tenderness, but she goes, stop sweating up my side of the bed.

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So I moved over to the side of the bed and found a new sleeping position in the new, highly expanded bed.

9:49 - 9:56

Please say, and hop us one in the afternoon. I rolled over, ordered a Deliveroo.

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And while I waited for it to come, I went, had another little sleep. No, it would have been, I'd say it would have been nine.

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I'd say it would have been because it would have been, I got sleep at half one.

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That's a proper amount of sleep to conduct my day, but half nine or so.

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Yeah. This is not a question regarding the previous day, because that's not legitimate. But do you feel the tragedy of the Jonestown massacre hangs over this day?

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Then were you tempted to form a cult or anything? It's a constant kind of just an emotional backdrop to it all, because I've only, I've only seen two thirds of it,

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so I don't know how it works out. Maybe they're all fine. I don't know how that happens.

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Are they waiting for a, the second coming is behind a comet? Is that what they're waiting for?

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No, do you know what? There are recordings of it, which are genuinely, seriously, really quite disturbing, the recordings of them, but it wasn't.

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He just said that this is going to be, we're going to be interrupted by another congressman is going to come down here and they're going to bring more forces and they're going to ruin it.

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So this is the best thing for us to do. I think it was like, we should ascend to heaven, but no, it wasn't a comet thing.

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I think it was just his charisma to do it. I mean, many of the questions were probably answered in episode three, which I've yet to watch, but I will immediately watch after this.

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It is. It's not a bad idea for a podcast that we interview people who've watched two thirds of things.

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And then you ask them to second guess what the ending will be and how it's all worked out.

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Yeah. Like a star Wars, two thirds of the way through star Wars. It's not looking great.

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No, he has lost his hand. They're stuck on some God forsaken snow planet. And that, that star is getting built.

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Oh man. I remember as a child, leaving the cinema at the end of empire and going, Oh my God, things are looking bad.

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I mean, and it being a real downer, like I'd never left a cinema on a downer before.

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I'd never, I'd always left wanting to recreate the zap zap battles, but this was a total, wow.

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I just felt the world is a larger and darker place. And I felt older.

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And I remember rolling a cigarette and just walking with my father as a nine year old and going, I'm a man.

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Now I said, I'm a man. Now you can, tell me, tell me anything about the world.

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It is interesting because you're older than me when it says a long, long time ago in a galaxy far, far, because you were closer to it actually having happened.

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Yeah. I'm closer to contemporaneous events. I had more of a sense of, yeah, this is accurate.

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I said, yeah. And sadly people born maybe two years after me will never feel the immediacy of, of the empire strikes back.

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My friend, Nick, obviously we all loved Star Wars because we did. Cause it was mid eighties.

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He routinely opened the radio times and found other Alec Guinness films and was perpetually disappointed by every other Alec Guinness film.

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He thought it's really not really like this Alec Guinness film. And how far into, you know, the eating comedies would he be before he'd go, are any of these four guys pretending to be musical instruments going to be Jedi at some stage?

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I haven't, interesting one with the empire strikes back. I had seen star Wars cause it'd been on TV and I had seen return of the Jedi in the cinema and a video shop opened in Sandy mount.

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So we joined us and the first ever rental I got. So I was probably seven or eight.

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This is still one of the most confusing kind of postmodern thing that's ever happened to me.

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Mom rented out. It said the empire strikes back. Cause I'd asked her for that, but it was the visual effects, like a documentary on the effect used in it.

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And I watched it believing it was the empire strikes back. So it's just so different.

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Like there's no interviews in star Wars or return of the Jedi. There's no model making whatsoever.

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I watched it all the way through just like an absolute head. Fuck. Just being wow.

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So it was like one of those sitcom episodes where they go, they do a thing in slightly different format.

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And you thought it was that like it was a bottle episode. It's just got really meta.

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Yeah. Oh, just two hours talking to the guy who paints the death star. This is a really interesting.

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Okay. So it's nine 30. You think nine o'clock? Nine, nine 30. Absolutely. Yeah. Yeah. Around about.

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Okay. I'm not leaping out of bed to be honest, because the job I have to do is to walk a dog.

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So I'm kind of going, Oh, it's really miserable. It's winter. I don't know. What?

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The dog that was grabbed. So I delay by playing a video game that I'm playing at the moment called rise of the golden idol, which is a puzzle video game,

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which is very good. And I highly recommend it. It was really kind of a sleeper hit.

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I'm trying to piece together the various murders from clues in the text. Anyway, it's honestly, I'm not going to explain games.

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It's a fool's errand. It's the secret of monkey Island for 2024. Essentially. Yes. Yeah. Yeah.

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Yeah. It is. Yeah. It's actually on Netflix, weirdly, because Netflix do a very, a selection of video games, which veer between and actually find them.

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Cause it's amazing. Never are either genuinely good indie hits like braid and golden idol.

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And these kinds of ones that gamers ago. Oh yeah. They're good hits or return to love Island to some sort of, I don't want to open them in case they're saucy games or like whatever,

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but they're like romantic adventures in the form of video games that Netflix seemed to almost exclusively deal.

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Do you, Dara, do you play this computer game? Just, we've got your duvet around you in your pants.

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Or have you dressed at all? You got a hoodie on, but there's no formal dress requirement.

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We're not farmers. Liz Lemon put a tuxedo to play return to golden idol, because I do have, I once really impressed people.

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I said, no, I don't bring my phone. I leave the phone charging downstairs. And they went, Oh my God, that's so good that you leave the phone charging downstairs.

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And therefore your, your sleep space is really restful and quiet and serene. I said, yeah, but I bring a big iPad up.

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And also it is, communally known as the big iPad, because it's the one of those pro ones with a really massive screen that my family still can't get over that.

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I bought this massive hefty iPad that I carry around everywhere. So your children, you roll out of bed at nine 30, you're walking around.

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They've all gone. They've all gone. They're older than this. Some of them are old enough to do their own thing.

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And the one who isn't on these particular days, somebody else has done the trip to school with him.

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Okay. So they're out of the picture. They're gone. I just, I had a vision of you walking around the house, just a hoodie, holding an iPad, playing a game with a boner,

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having got up at half nine, just like dad, could you do a proper job, please?

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No, their shame is carried internally. And they brought it to school with them about our father.

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We don't see our father. No, he's never around in the morning. We presume he's okay.

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That is his late night adventures. I've destroyed him. No, but I don't, because I've got, we've got people in the house.

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There's a nanny in the house. And on this particular day, somebody's doing some cleaning.

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So the dog, is it a large dog? Is this very impending this walk? Like, is the dog going, what the hell are you doing?

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Playing this stupid game. I purely need to go out and do a turd that you'll have to put in a bag.

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Yes, absolutely. Three, as it turned out. I don't, spoiler alert, that happened three times.

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The dog is downstairs. The dog is only allowed in a certain part of the house.

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And partly because the dog is not mixing with the cats. The dog is a more recent addition to the house.

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And the dog, even though its breed was chosen, because they're specifically golden retrievers, is supposed to be very good around pets and other, other pets.

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The dog sees the cat, goes bananas, races after the cats. The cats run away.

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It's very difficult to explain to the cat. No, you stand still. And then the dog will stop.

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But the cat goes, fuck that shit. And fucking, the cats race. And then the dog runs after him.

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And then, and it's a cycle of violence that we cannot, you know, break. Your whole life is essentially the fox and the corn.

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Yeah. We box off areas of the house. There's essentially a border dispute between two cats and a golden retriever in our home.

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And we are merely the UN peacekeepers in the Irish style. We are unifil. We are the blue cap wearing, who just basically make sure that food supplies are uninterrupted between the two parts of the house.

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And so each of them have their own domain, which is safe. It's going to be difficult because everyone who does this podcast, we send them the gift of a lion.

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Oh, that's, yeah, that would be an unhelpful gift. I think at the best, sometimes that's an unhelpful gift because you have a lot of young comics who presumably live in house shares and then having a lion.

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Really? It's shaken up Sally at AB's life. Well, imagine. Yeah, it's grand. Yeah. So no, that, that would not, that would not be great.

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But can I park the, at least I have a drive. Can I put the line in the driveway?

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Well, it's gift wrapped. We got it from the target King person. So it's well, you know, it's just, thanks for coming on.

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A lot of podcasts. Don't do that. Don't forget to send me the audio recording.

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And that's, that's the last you ever hear of them. Like whatever. Did anyone in the, in the family wonder if the dogs and cats, a dog would get along with the cat?

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I feel like at some point in history, there is a, there's something telling me that they don't naturally gel.

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Are you telling me that there are instances in popular culture of dogs and cats famously not being happy housemates together?

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Well, I think so. I'm not an expert. I'm not Chris, right? Okay. Honestly, I'd have to go through every cartoon I've ever seen to see if there's even a passive reference to domestic animals,

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not being happy cohabitants. Well, were you lulled by that one poster of a St.

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Bernard? The only film my children are allowed to watch is Fantastic Voyage or an incredible voyage.

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No, the two films are allowed to watch are Incredible Journey. Is that the name of the one where people move house, but for some reason the pets are left behind.

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So the animals cross Canada. That one. Wow. Yeah. Do you not hear that one?

19:56 - 20:04

Okay. Three animals then had to become unlikely friends on this journey. They made across America or Canada to find the family, which makes no fucking sense.

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There's no way they do. They're dead in a week. They're dead in a week.

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I said that to the kids. I paused it really quickly and said, these animals are dead in a week.

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We've just got to get over the fact. This is a dream. This is like atonement.

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I do think though, if we do get time, David with Disney, we could pitch them dead in a week.

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Let's see. Just Kevin Hart is the voice of a slowly starving dog who cannot find his family.

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And he meets a sassy pigeon who says, I'll wait. I'll wait till you're dead.

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That's not going to happen long. And the dog just slowly curls up. The parents come back, open the door, are like greeted by this cloud of flies, an awful smell.

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Oh shit. The fucking, the fucking animals. I forgot about. Home Alone would be a very different film if she races back from Paris and, you know, the two burgers have disposed of Macaulay Culkin.

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What is their plan, I wonder? If they do get in. Yeah. Like, are they going to kidnap Macaulay?

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Is it going to be a ransom type situation? I think it's like the Michael Haneke situation.

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It's like Funny Games, you know, even more dark film. No, I, presumably they're just going to strap him to a chair and steal everything while he's stuck there, you know?

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I mean, that's, I presume. I think so. I mean, they're relatively, yeah, benign, like the guys.

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Yeah, but, but then it all goes hilariously wrong. I don't want to ruin it for you.

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Okay, so look, what time is it? It's about 10.30, I'm downstairs and I have to bring a dog for a walk.

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You have noted, by the way, no breakfast. That's what I was going to say.

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Yeah, no breakfast. I'm intermittent fasting at the moment. Ooh. Yeah, so that's good. So the only thing I've eaten is a statin tablet.

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So that might give a hint as to why I'm intermittent fasting at the moment.

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Is it tasty? Does it taste nice? Really, it's very little. You can't make it last.

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You can't go, I'm just going to make my statin. I'm just going to take little nibbles off my statin tablet.

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Oh, Chucky. Can you get a whole bowl of them and put milk in it and then sprinkle sugar on top of it?

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And I don't think you can overdose some stats. I don't think you can go, we've cleared all the cholesterol.

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Everything's out of your body like whatever. Yeah, it's done. Are you hungry? Are you angry?

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No, actually. I'm neither hungry nor angry. I'm a bit irritated to have to walk the dog in the cold, but I'm no, you know, it's kind of actually not that difficult to do that one.

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Yeah, it's actually quite a manageable one. And it does mean that if you're trying to lose weight, you can have two normal meals because dieting gets very depressing if you're doing,

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oh, I can't eat like normal food. I just have to eat chicken breast and and leaves.

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And that just grinds you down. So if you just have a system where you just you're losing a meal, that's OK.

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That's grand. Dara, you've got a dog with three turds ready to go. Maybe the dog should be on Stoughton's.

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The dog is phenomenally healthy. The dog is like it's just pure muscle, this dog.

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And how far out does the first arrive? Oh, it really is quite quick into the jar.

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Oh, no. Do you know what? Yes, on the road, I walk to a local kind of there's a house in a park and we're getting up, but never gets there,

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never gets there. It's at some point along my road that uncoils numero uno while I try to do the bag inversion technique and make contact with somebody.

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Oh, interesting. Yeah, it's quite undignified. The walk with the dog. To the bin till you find somewhere you can play.

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I know what you do, throw it up in a tree or something like that.

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No, no, I fling him onto a nearby house. They've not tracked me. I just say, yeah, I pick a neighbor I don't particularly like and I try to hit their window from the road.

23:34 - 23:47

See, I live in Chiswick so the idea is like Richard Osmond who also lives in Chiswick, not near me, would just be writing his book every day at 11 o'clock on the window as another bag of poo thrown by me.

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When he did this episode, it was weird because he said at 11 o'clock, the dog shit hit my window and I was just right.

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I don't know why. Bagged, bagged. I don't scoop things up and flick it in the window.

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I bagged the dog shit which is a courtesy to him and I go, wave!

23:59 - 24:06

And hit the window. Okay, we get to the park. What have you got to entertain the dog?

24:06 - 24:10

Have you got a rubber chicken? Have you got a tennis ball? Oh no, none of that.

24:10 - 24:21

The park will entertain the dog. By the way, he's done two at this stage if you really were tracking these and the second was on a path which is the worst because you have to kind of scrape it up anyway, long story.

24:21 - 24:31

But they've all been bagged. The dog is in the park. The dog now, the dog was a pretty bad dog for running away and being excited because she's young and she gets excited and she sees a squirrel and her brain just goes,

24:31 - 24:37

and she's gone. And so I would stand in the middle of the park shouting her name repeatedly.

24:37 - 24:42

We sent the dog away. We sent the dog on a course, a residential course.

24:42 - 24:52

Wow. On a retreat, a spa retreat. Essentially, yes. Because there's a lot of attention to the dog and the dog went to a series of bazaars and hot stone therapies.

24:52 - 24:56

Like the dog is just so much more zoned now about the whole thing. So we've said that.

24:56 - 25:07

That's the deal. Once a year, you get to go back to... Mindfulness. Yeah, to a mindfulness week where you do your yoga retreat for a week and then, but if you can just keep saying till then

25:07 - 25:13

and the dog goes, all right, that's a good deal. No, somebody basically intensively trained the dog in a way that we were failing to do.

25:13 - 25:21

Wow. Yeah, and nailed it. So the dog now is like they replaced the dog with a better dog, which makes sense because they may have been, they may have been.

25:21 - 25:28

You worry that it was basically sent on, you know, that SAS show and is woken up at two in the morning by Aunt Middleton with like a bag.

25:28 - 25:35

Woken by a bucket of water being thrown in its face. Oh, the dog's going, woof, and then it's like, right through the field, in the water, in the water.

25:35 - 25:41

And so now the dog refuses to climb underneath that netting we have in the back garden.

25:41 - 25:46

Refuses to go to that anymore like we used to go. It won't do it.

25:46 - 25:51

And the whole bag in the head thing, none of that. It won't do any of the old, the fun SES games you used to play.

25:51 - 26:00

The dog doesn't like them anymore. So you get to the park and you don't even have to, what, the dog just entertains itself, jogs in and out of cones or something?

26:00 - 26:13

No, it isn't quite that trained. What we do, we set up a mock Iranian embassy and the dog, we take turns with who's doing the explosives and who's on the road to swing into the Iranian embassy to rescue Everett.

26:13 - 26:20

Richard Osman, meanwhile, watching from his upstairs window where he's writing his new book, just everything he sees is going, straight in there.

26:20 - 26:31

The sad thing about this is in the afternoon, the dog then has to record like hours of pieces to camera talking about his career in the SAS and making apologies.

26:31 - 26:39

I let the dog off the lead, the dog runs, but now I say to the dog, Ivy's the name of the dog, Ivy, come, and Ivy will return, which wasn't the case.

26:39 - 26:42

So we now keep her on account so she comes forward and back like whatever, way more.

26:42 - 26:51

So she's like a proper dog now rather than, as I've said on stage, like I stand in the middle of a forest and occasionally see flashes of gold.

26:51 - 26:57

It's like I'm in Predator and you just see images of the dog in the distance doing stuff like that.

26:57 - 27:02

She's really good now. Do you talk to any other dog owners? No, of course not.

27:02 - 27:09

It's London. We occasionally, we acknowledge each other at this grant, but it's like, it's such a, how is your dog?

27:09 - 27:12

My dog is fine. It's like, you know, you don't really, yep, there you go, fine.

27:12 - 27:24

It's almost like people willfully go, this isn't 101 Dalmatians, this isn't a meet cute, we're not going to use the dog to initiate a friendship here because we live in London and that's not what we do.

27:24 - 27:30

Fine. Yeah, especially as your hyper-trained dog just runs back while you're talking to this person.

27:30 - 27:44

Oh, must we engage in these dull conversations? Come on, father. I turn and my dog, it has a blade behind the other dog and his hand ready going, kill, kill other dog?

27:44 - 27:54

No, no, Ivy. Not kill other dog, but always ready, always ready to just shiv another dog if need be.

27:54 - 28:03

But like stealthily. I mean, the dog from somewhere has now dog, it's a golden retriever, but like it's actually full camouflage makeup emerges out of the water like Michael Sheen in Apocalypse Now

28:03 - 28:08

emerges out of the water like whatever, ready to shiv the dog. Now, it says?

28:08 - 28:15

No, no, Ivy, not now. And Ivy backs down again, ready to kill. Okay, so how long until we walk home?

28:15 - 28:21

Generally, it's about an hour. The dog needs about an hour. And I occasionally, tell my watch to record it as a workout.

28:21 - 28:25

Not today. For some reason, I didn't start it and I thought, no, I'm not going to get half a workout.

28:25 - 28:30

Do you strap the watch to the dog's leg and send the dog off there?

28:30 - 28:41

No, because the iPhone goes, you are gaming the system. Stop doing this. My favorite iPhone thing is when it goes, you seem to be having a bike ride when you're on a line bike,

28:41 - 28:47

an electric bike, and you're going, I can't, I can't. A lot of the heavy lifting has been done by the battery here.

28:47 - 28:53

I can't. Okay, so we got home, it's half 11. And I should point out one tiny meta point.

28:53 - 28:58

What was I listening to on the walk? Yeah. Guardian Football Weekly is what I was listening to.

28:58 - 29:03

That's very kind of you. If I could make a request, could you say the words, hi POTS fans, Max here.

29:03 - 29:08

If you could say those, then I will see if my urge to fast forward happens.

29:08 - 29:21

Tara, stop. Because I'm very well trained that every time Max goes, hi POTS fans, Max here, I go, no, I don't need to hear the you and Barry's life together and how Barry's doesn't need a website designed by Squarespace.

29:21 - 29:32

Well, I mean, it's funny that you say that because I think maybe the reason you did have such a good sleep was because of that beautiful mattress you were sleeping on.

29:32 - 29:38

And that is just another of the sponsors we could potentially have. Yes, absolutely. On this sponsorless podcast.

29:38 - 29:44

Honestly, it's one of the reasons that it remains refreshing that you've yet to become 1950s shill men, which all the podcasts have done.

29:44 - 29:52

It's like we've gone back in time to, well, we're going to talk, obviously we're going to talk about your favorite bananas in a second, but first, Enervate is a fruit drink.

29:52 - 30:02

I am absolutely waiting to sell anything. And I think it was in one of the early, there was like, you know, we were like, we don't want to take gambling sponsor money and that's good.

30:02 - 30:07

And it was like, I think in the States, in podcasts, there is literally, there's obviously quite a big market for guns.

30:07 - 30:12

I just think we should let that slide and me and David should be really pushing revolvers.

30:12 - 30:23

I certainly think that you can, all the people you can't have advertising guardian podcast can certainly all now Monsanto and Big Pharma, all of the...

30:23 - 30:32

Oil, oil. Just oil. Whale oil. Absolutely. By the Japanese blubberfam industry would be happy to bring this to you.

30:32 - 30:40

Do you get bored whaling? Because we can... With our new Harpoon 5000, you can go through a whale into another whale.

30:40 - 30:58

Double whale. Oh, daisy chain. We daisy chain the whales at Harpoon and Ballet Dara, I have noticed in many of your recent podcast appearances, you have been mentioned shiving a lot.

30:58 - 31:06

And I notice also on the shelf behind you as we record this, a selection of shivs from the Dara's shiv collection.

31:06 - 31:12

Yeah. What I do is we send you plasticine. You hold the plasticine, getting a mold of your hand.

31:12 - 31:21

You return that to us and we give a hand-molded shiv perfect for your grip so it doesn't slip for all your shiv requirements.

31:21 - 31:29

Obviously, it's important that the police don't find that shiv. Oh my God. Oh, that's a flaw.

31:29 - 31:39

They're really identifiable. Yeah. Easy to work out. I knew the monogrammed gun company that set up was watching why that was typically taken up.

31:39 - 31:48

They can have a photo of your loved ones on the bullet. Like that 3D thing you can get in the shops where you can get it in glass.

31:48 - 31:52

Yeah, you can get that like a little 3D of your children on the bullet.

31:52 - 31:56

It's like a crowd that you can extract and go, oh, wait a minute. Okay, come on.

31:56 - 32:02

So you listen to the excellent Guardian Football Weekly. We don't need to review if you thought it was an excellent episode or not.

32:02 - 32:06

I thought it was a very good episode, but I only listened to it when it's been semi-positive about Arsenal.

32:06 - 32:12

I stopped listening to it when we've had a run of bad games because I don't need to hear Jonathan Wilson explain how we have a frailty.

32:12 - 32:16

You know, I've heard this theory a number of times. Anyway, loving your work. Noted, noted.

32:16 - 32:19

Yeah, yeah. Okay. And at the time you didn't know you were going to be on this.

32:19 - 32:28

So that's sort of... The phone call arrived during this. Honestly, at the end of the dog walk, a text appeared and I went, oh God, now I've got to go home and start all the masturbating.

32:28 - 32:36

So that we can talk through it. So we walked through the door. We're back home.

32:36 - 32:41

There's a bit of a blur in the middle of the day here in which I presumably exist in some shape or form.

32:41 - 32:54

Oh no, I remember what it is. Sorry, I totally forgot. One message I had to do is I had to send Richard Osman, who genuinely features in this, a photograph because in my house there's a video game machine which I bought after

32:54 - 33:01

I did a TV show called Go 8-Bit. And guests on Go 8-Bit had a likeness of themselves in 8-Bit.

33:01 - 33:09

They were really talented artists. That's really cute. And there's a really nice. So everyone had their icon, essentially an 8-Bit version of themselves made.

33:09 - 33:15

And then when I got one of those machines that has loads of games on it made and they said, well, we can custom build the surround.

33:15 - 33:20

So we got all the art and we got my family in 8-Bit as well.

33:20 - 33:23

And they're up on the top of the machine. And then all of the guests are across it.

33:23 - 33:31

And there's all these tiny little 8-Bit versions of, you know, Catherine Ryan and Marcus Brigstocke and Ed Byrne, all these various people.

33:31 - 33:34

And Richard Osman is one of those. I met him recently. I said, oh, you're on that.

33:34 - 33:43

And then remembered, oh, my God, therefore, so is Greg Wallace. So there is an 8-Bit picture of Greg Wallace on display in my house.

33:43 - 33:50

And that's an interesting moment. So is it one of those big boxy surrounds like an 80s arcade?

33:50 - 33:55

No, it's not. It's more like a kind of it's a wide, flat one that comes out.

33:55 - 33:59

It's more like one that you would have for Smash TV or one of those kind of games or Gauntlet.

33:59 - 34:03

You know, it's baked in that kind of shape. So it's not like a classic console shape.

34:03 - 34:12

It's one that you sit at rather than stand at. Is it true that you have a 10p coin insert on it and you steal money from your children that way?

34:12 - 34:16

Yeah, I do. I do. I get all of their pocket money back. And they learn an important lesson as well.

34:16 - 34:20

They're very good at the games. You know, to make them last and sharpen their reflexes.

34:20 - 34:26

And like, you know, I think 10p inflation-wise isn't that much these days for a single game.

34:26 - 34:31

Daddy, can I be Greg Wallace again? Can I be Greg Wallace? You can be Greg Wallace.

34:31 - 34:36

And then he tells us a story about... Anyway, so apologies. You've done this before.

34:36 - 34:41

No, no, don't apologise. Obviously, most of the podcast is me saying we've got to get on with it.

34:41 - 34:47

You know, we basically, we do 6pm to midnight in about 25 seconds. And people don't seem to mind.

34:48 - 34:52

I've got the gist of what we've done. The afternoon was spent Christmas shopping. Oh!

34:52 - 34:58

There we go. Where did we go? Oxford Street? No, no, no, no, no. We'd done Oxford Street in a previous day.

34:58 - 35:02

That's featured in a podcast I do called What Did You Do Two Days Ago?

35:02 - 35:09

It was just up in Chiswick. It was picking books and wrapping paper. Right. So I went over about half 12 to do that.

35:09 - 35:12

Right. So where have we got to? I feel like we're racing through the day now.

35:12 - 35:19

Like hardly. It was like 12.30. Okay, fine. And it's like an hour in, like for God's sake.

35:19 - 35:23

Do you want the highlights? Had lunch on the high road? Yeah, what did you have?

35:23 - 35:28

Where'd you go? I had a Penang curry and hair and tortoise. Hair and tortoise is a chain, but one of the better chains.

35:28 - 35:32

Wow. Kind of a pair down Japanese aesthetic. I don't know why it's called hair and tortoise.

35:32 - 35:35

Insane name. Because you think it's going to be like a pack horse in Talbot.

35:35 - 35:38

You think it's going to be a pub, but it's not. It's a chain of Asian food restaurants.

35:38 - 35:44

It's one of the really good. They do a chicken karaage, which is ungenuinely amazing.

35:44 - 35:48

But I feel you can. It's because you can taste the oil. Like I feel.

35:48 - 35:52

I feel it's like it's the thing. It's fried and you go. I'm doing it.

35:52 - 36:00

My body has taken on nothing in 16 hours. Oh, yeah. And the first thing I've taken is like a deep fried piece of chicken, like dipped in mayonnaise.

36:00 - 36:05

And my body just goes bing. It's like the dog with the squirrel. It's like my big bow.

36:05 - 36:10

Fantastic. This is amazing. I'm no nutritionist. I don't know if you know this about.

36:10 - 36:17

Right. Interesting. Yeah. I've never thought that about you. But you're not tempted to just get a big bucket of bok choy or something.

36:18 - 36:21

To keep the health kick up? No, no, no. The regime I'm doing does not involve that.

36:21 - 36:29

It involves doing lots of swimming, skipping breakfast, staying off the booze, but then eating like meals, normal meals, pretty much like whatever.

36:29 - 36:33

And it's actually working very well, but it means you're not having misery on a plate.

36:33 - 36:38

So no. Oh, bok choy. Bok me. Yeah. Can I have, what's the full order, please?

36:38 - 36:45

The full order is one portion of chicken karaage and a panang curry, which is a kind of a red curry, like Thai curry.

36:45 - 36:49

Oh, is it Thai? I don't know. Anyway. And, it's rice. Yes. And a Coke Zero.

36:49 - 36:56

There you go. Two Coke Zeros as it turns out. And do you just scroll on your phone or you just sit and admire the world while you're eating this?

36:56 - 37:02

Or you're just so hungry, you're just like eating it like a troll. Scooping them and ramming it into my face.

37:02 - 37:05

I believe I was checking things on my phone. I may have a copy of the paper with me.

37:05 - 37:07

I may be reading the paper, reading match reports from the previous evening or whatever.

37:07 - 37:12

I did go and look in a clothes shop, which was, as ever, one of the joys of, do you have them in?

37:12 - 37:18

No, we do not, sir. Okay, well, I'll just back out, shall I? I'll just walk backwards out of your fucking shop.

37:18 - 37:22

You've got nothing for me here. Yeah, that's why that was as fun as it always is.

37:22 - 37:27

Sarah, hot pants are notoriously difficult to get around Christmas. Why do they only sell them?

37:27 - 37:34

They only sell them in hot sizes. Sometimes the larger man wants hot pants just for walking around the house doing his puzzles.

37:34 - 37:46

I shall put on my puzzling pants, I say. Okay, great. We've eaten. Back in the afternoon.

37:46 - 37:52

Back in the afternoon. Our first meal of the day and we've got all our wrapping paper, all the rest of it.

37:52 - 37:58

Now we return to the carnage that is the house with all the various animals.

37:58 - 38:02

Animals in their sectors. It's like a big game of Risk where different areas are boxed off for different animals.

38:02 - 38:10

The crystal maze. You have a dog zone and a cat zone. The Aztecs. Yeah, this is great.

38:10 - 38:19

And Richard O'Brien's on a harmonica. He's there all the time. Like any time guests come, I go, welcome to the canine zone.

38:19 - 38:31

So we've now got the afternoon. What is the plan for the afternoon? Well, actually, it's kind of a fact that I do have a gig in the evening, which is a preview gig for the new tour.

38:31 - 38:41

Oh, January. And so I'm doing the second time I've done the whole thing. And a colleague of ours, my agent, is coming over and she's staying with us.

38:41 - 38:48

And so I'm basically lolling around waiting for her to arrive. So the afternoon is genuinely spent just sitting around while she has a cup of tea and we talk.

38:48 - 38:53

I was going to say, there's no tea or coffee yet. No, I don't do tea or coffee anyway.

38:53 - 39:01

I don't like tea or coffee. So they don't ever feature in my life, which is, to some people, a con point in the what was it like being married to Daryl Breehan?

39:01 - 39:09

This would be in the negative column because I don't know to offer. So I don't habitually go, oh, you'll be wanting a cup of tea right about now.

39:09 - 39:17

Would you not say you're experienced enough in life to be able to? You'd absolutely think, but it just doesn't pop into my head like, whatever, it's grand.

39:17 - 39:23

Whereas I will go, would you like a Cornetto? Or, you know, and they go, no, that's not a thing.

39:23 - 39:31

Dara, you've got the first, the big run through of this show tonight. How is it not in some way dominating the day?

39:31 - 39:39

Like when you were, now we go back to the possibly Thai restaurant. Were you not on your phone going, well, if I put that there, et cetera?

39:39 - 39:49

My writing process has become almost entirely subconscious now. The where by, at some point, I know I've sat down and gone, what's an idea?

39:49 - 39:55

But then once I've got a vague idea of it, I walk away and it all turns up there, I think.

39:55 - 40:00

And then when I go and I do them, it just sort of happens. Oh, it's mainly happening on the stage now.

40:00 - 40:04

I get the setup of a thing and they sort of get talked out on stage.

40:04 - 40:09

Yeah, there's no, if this brick goes before that brick, then I'll have built this first line of the wall.

40:09 - 40:20

It's very loose. It's incredibly loose. This would never work for Cirque du Soleil. No, it's a very, bad way, to example, if you're an escapologist, to improvise it on stage.

40:20 - 40:26

There's really, there's certain trades or the ballet, a really, really most art form, ballet, for example.

40:26 - 40:30

One of those things where you throw a knife at a wall while your assistant spins.

40:30 - 40:36

That's not the time to go, I'm just going to feel this one out. I'm just going to see how this works as a thing.

40:36 - 40:41

I mean, I don't want to forward to how the gig went, but a lot of people walking out going, and he got two thirds of the way through the Jamestown massacre.

40:41 - 40:51

I really don't think that was a thing. No. What I do in the audience, I genuinely hand somebody a notepad in the audience and a pen, and I go, something might pop into my head,

40:51 - 40:58

write this down. And sometimes nothing happens. Yeah. Then one particular thing happened in this one, which is a thing, which is definitely staying in the show.

40:58 - 41:02

There's a thing that it will be, I think, a part of the show. Okay, so we need to go back.

41:02 - 41:09

Actually, I am mulling over because I have loads of stuff, but I'm going to kind of these kind of things where I'm arranging the order of things.

41:09 - 41:14

And it's like loads, it's like two hours of stuff, like whatever. So I'm trying to arrange the order of it.

41:14 - 41:20

I can't do it. Like by working the individual ones and zeros, I have to kind of do it in a holistic way.

41:20 - 41:24

So that only happens when I'm doing it, you know, and seeing, oh, does that fit in here?

41:24 - 41:28

But I'm also trying to work out their little individual problems, like how do, where does it end?

41:28 - 41:32

You know, specifically, so it ends up and then I can come back out where it is one half.

41:32 - 41:36

How do I make sure the first half ends up, the second half ends up and I've got a thing for an encore.

41:36 - 41:41

So that's kind of a structure that I have at like whatever. But they're sort of, they're mulling questions.

41:41 - 41:47

I feel it doesn't work for me if I sit down and go, you know, or I do a bit, but not a lot.

41:47 - 41:53

Max and I would never dream of starting a project with no idea of where it's going to go.

41:53 - 41:57

Yeah, I was just about to say, yes, do you think our podcast ends on an up?

41:57 - 42:03

Because every episode ends with someone saying and then I went to sleep. Surely you should have some peril round about end of act two.

42:03 - 42:07

You know, there should be some point we're going, will you get to sleep? And you go, I don't know.

42:07 - 42:12

I've had two Coke zeros. This day might fold into the next day and then that's incomplete.

42:12 - 42:20

Like whatever it's got. Will you survive the day? Obviously is the major. I think you've got to set up something that, you know, so there's some sort of conflict resolution,

42:20 - 42:24

hero's journey. There's some sort of, you set up a dilemma at the start, like whatever.

42:24 - 42:28

I've got to do a show. Oh no, do I have a show? Oh God, will the show work?

42:28 - 42:34

So that's always there. I know, but we should at this point in it be at the point of maximum jeopardy.

42:34 - 42:39

And you are literally sitting having tea with a woman called Yvonne. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

42:39 - 42:42

Who's my agent from Dublin. Yeah, basically you came up. Various other people came up.

42:42 - 42:46

We discussed lots of people's lives. It was just kind of rambling. Conversation about, yeah.

42:46 - 42:50

What did you say about David? It was generally a lot of, I don't know.

42:50 - 42:57

There's a lot of. What's up with David? Oh no. I'd say his latest thing is a podcast that just has no structure.

42:57 - 43:06

It's bad when you're being discussed like you were acting out there, Dara, just with the shake of the head.

43:06 - 43:15

It's never, the person's life is never good. He's doing brilliantly, isn't he? Absolutely. I can't keep up with how well he's doing, you said.

43:15 - 43:19

Shaking your head like whatever. I'm just envious of him. He's got it all going on.

43:19 - 43:24

He really is. Where is this trial gig? Is it in Richard Osman's house? No, it isn't.

43:24 - 43:32

His house is unavailable. It was booked for a Whitesnake concert. So instead, it's in a theatre in Chiswick called the Tabard.

43:32 - 43:36

By the way, Whitesnake is not an internal joke. Please nobody look for why I said Whitesnake.

43:36 - 43:39

It was just the first band name that came into my head. It works though.

43:39 - 43:43

Finger on the pulse, some would say. You know what I'm saying? Honestly, I know what I have.

43:43 - 43:48

I was like, here I am again in Richard Osman's house and went, oh. The best thing, I didn't want to go too big.

43:48 - 43:57

I thought Whitesnake realistically would be playing a mid-sized venue. The impression I'm going to give is that Richard Osman lives in a thousand-seater venue rather than a 20,000-seater venue.

43:57 - 44:07

He could buy a 20,000-seater, but he's not. He wants to keep it real by having a kind of, just living in an Edwardian thousand-seater theatre that occasionally hosts 1980s rock acts.

44:07 - 44:14

My gig, by contrast, is in a place called the Tabard Theatre, which is like a 50-seater room in Chiswick.

44:14 - 44:19

It's next door to an arts education, like a secondary school for kids doing theatre stuff.

44:19 - 44:23

But there's this really sweet theatre that does Christmas shows, but also people like me use it for pre...

44:23 - 44:28

Jenny Eclair is in there as well. Alan Murray does it as well. Ooh, so you can see the whites in their eyes.

44:28 - 44:32

Oh no, you can reach out and touch them in the face, which I try not to do.

44:32 - 44:36

You actually, sometimes you put the microphone to one side, because it's pointless having a microphone, and I just talk.

44:36 - 44:39

I just keep it real, man. I just talk to them. I just say, hey, how are you doing?

44:39 - 44:44

Like a substitute teacher. Yeah, you know. You can call me Dara. This is nice.

44:45 - 44:53

But Shakespeare was in many ways like a grime artist. The periodic table is like the UFC.

44:53 - 45:03

Yeah, you know, because sometimes they combine, like whatever, sometimes they clash. And, you know, so take out the francium, not too fast, bam, massive explosion.

45:03 - 45:09

It's stored under oil for a reason, he said. By the way, I've already cooked a meal as well at this point.

45:09 - 45:12

I've already cooked a meal. Oh, yeah, sorry. We jumped to the gig there for some reason.

45:12 - 45:18

Yeah, let's backtrack. It's not memento. It's chronological. We're not doing Pulp Fiction. I want this in order.

45:18 - 45:30

It's more like Dunkirk where strands are happening at different timescales. So now we flick back to a more reflective thing where I'm cooking a meal both for my guest and also for my wife who's coming home from work.

45:30 - 45:41

Noodle with black bean sauce with veg and salmon, crispy salmon. And it was, it was the fourth gusto of a box of gustos.

45:41 - 45:45

Gusto is that thing where they send the ingredients out and you make the dish.

45:45 - 45:51

Yeah, we do that. It's very good. It's great. I put some panko breadcrumbs on a ling for dinner.

45:51 - 45:56

Oh, they love the panko breadcrumbs. They're very fun. If I hadn't got that box, I'd have just made another bolognese.

45:56 - 46:03

Yeah. I am baffled. I am baffled by this. I mean, you can even just get a delivery from the supermarket.

46:03 - 46:11

Like, do you idiots really need a tiny sachet of salt? You know, you can buy a whole thing of salt for two quid.

46:11 - 46:19

No, they don't give you, salt is not one. Salt and oil and things that aren't included but like a black bean paste is included because I don't have a black bean paste.

46:19 - 46:28

Like, I don't have a huge drawer of like every single thing because the one previous was a was a hoisin sausage tray bake which is, by the way, perfect.

46:28 - 46:33

I don't get it. Absolutely lovely. Yeah, but it works. They're very lovely most of the time.

46:33 - 46:37

This was very much the fourth choice, very much my wife's choice and it's quite healthy.

46:37 - 46:41

It's a lot of tender stem broccoli and stuff like that. Honestly, we've been doing it since lockdown.

46:41 - 46:47

Just before lockdown, four years, whatever, we don't ring out for something if we don't do the reheating of pierced film lids, that stuff.

46:47 - 46:53

We don't do any of that. Poor old Charlie Biggum. He's lost out. Wrong time, man, Charlie.

46:53 - 47:00

You put all your chips into the table, quite literally, into the table on the wrong thing, like whatever, when it became send us the ingredients instead, like whatever.

47:00 - 47:07

And you get the illusion, sometimes it's a bit of a faff and you only get the illusion of being a chef because you ask me now, I've cooked hundreds of these things over the last four years,

47:07 - 47:11

but if you asked me blind to cook them, I could not cook them. You know what I mean?

47:11 - 47:14

If you just said, here are all the ingredients, what would you make? I don't think I could.

47:14 - 47:23

I think I need the instructions. The only justification I can see for it, which you have now just ruined, which is that you would learn how to bread-a-ling, you know,

47:23 - 47:31

a thing that you wouldn't necessarily learn in the regular course of events. Me and Mrs. Rushen had this discussion only today that we won't, we could now bread-a-ling.

47:31 - 47:42

We're bread-a-lingers now. Yeah. What they did last Christmas day, they had a special, which was you could buy like a slow, like a leg of lamb already slow cooked for like,

47:42 - 47:46

like 24 hours. And you just have to chuck it in the oven for half an hour.

47:46 - 47:50

And so what we did was we got it and we didn't tell Jay's family.

47:50 - 47:56

We just said, oh yeah, I've slow roasted this for 12 hours. And they all just ate it and no one fucking said anything.

47:56 - 48:10

Do you know what this reminds me of? This is like getting a doctor's set for Christmas and then pretending to cure members of your family for the day.

48:10 - 48:18

A little fake stethoscope and a little hammer that you knock into someone's knee. You people are lying to yourselves.

48:18 - 48:22

I'm not claiming to be a chef. I'm just cooking dinner. And do you know what I do at the end of it?

48:22 - 48:26

I eat the dinner and the dinner's very nice. You know? You probably put it in the bin.

48:26 - 48:32

I don't cosplay for an hour. Drop, drop, drop, drop, drop, drop, drop. And then like just fling it all.

48:32 - 48:35

By the way, while I'm doing this because somebody phones and there'll be a pizza here for me.

48:35 - 48:41

Yeah, exactly. I'm not claiming to be a chef. You're there with a rat in your chef's hat.

48:41 - 48:49

The rat. Confused by my bald head going, what is my system here? Scratching at my bald head going, I need something to work with here.

48:49 - 49:04

And I'm going, oh, drop, drop, drop, drop, drop, drop, drop. It is an interesting theory that recently the Manchester City manager Pep Guardiola was found after a run of bad results to have literally scratched his own head during the match.

49:04 - 49:10

But is it not possible that in fact he has a rat that tells him how to cook meals?

49:10 - 49:17

Presumably manage the team. Exactly. Invert the fullbacks is what the rat's doing. Ricoli, Ricoli.

49:17 - 49:23

God's sake, get him up. Put him in. Stop asking me where Rodri is. That's the key, for God's sake.

49:23 - 49:31

That's the key. We make the dinner. You sit down. Does the whole family just sit down at the table and have the dinner?

49:31 - 49:36

I would not make the children eat. They would not eat. The children had a more child-friendly dinner.

49:36 - 49:41

What did they have? Sausage, beans and chips? They had breaded chicken with some sauce.

49:41 - 49:44

I don't think that's true, but we, and it was a nicer, it was a nicer gusto.

49:44 - 49:52

Did the meal, felt virtuous, ate the thing, did a bit of 10% broccoli and then went, right, I'm nervous about my gig, so I can't finish my plate of 10% broccoli because it's yummy,

49:52 - 49:58

but I can't finish it and I'm going to go off and scribble a couple of ideas and then drove up and did the gig.

49:58 - 50:02

So the gig was eight o'clock. Yeah, so see, the day is speeding towards the finale.

50:02 - 50:10

It's a 50-seater, but unfortunately, like an early Edinburgh fringe, there's only eight people. Yeah, and they're sitting, yeah, as far from each other, the exclusion principle.

50:10 - 50:13

They're sitting as far, no, it's almost full. There are two empty seats at the front.

50:13 - 50:17

There's a guy sitting right in front of me with two empty seats beside him.

50:17 - 50:26

But luckily he laughed at stuff that other people weren't laughing at. He laughed, and David will know what this means, he laughed at the oboe joke and he laughed big at the oboe joke.

50:26 - 50:30

There's a joke that's not going to go to the show where I talk about, oh man, I've got to go back on tour.

50:30 - 50:35

I've lost all my money. I spent it all putting musical instruments into transport hubs.

50:35 - 50:46

Perhaps you're familiar with this, oboes at bus stops. And I have a whole thing about, because I thought you'd be really, disappointed because your bus is late and then somebody would pick up one of the free oboes and play the theme tune to the mission.

50:46 - 50:58

And I would cheer you up like that. And I go, but I've done it to audience who just stared at me because they do not remember the mission, do not remember the music from the mission.

50:58 - 51:03

Incredible film. You know, priest on a crucifix going over a waterfall. Oh, it's amazing.

51:03 - 51:12

I obviously knew the theme from the mission, but Max, I guess, Max is representative of the actual population who do not remember the Ennio Morricone score.

51:12 - 51:21

One of only three famous oboe pieces of music. So oboes and bus stops. I started with that phrase and then went to the mission music after that, like whatever.

51:21 - 51:25

And I'm fucking doubling down on it more and more. And I'm doing the BA music.

51:25 - 51:33

I'm doing that as well. There's an oboe solo in babe. I got you, babe.

51:33 - 51:47

There it is. Okay, now we're talking. So all I needed was a better oboe music So, Dara, just so that you know, you're on this podcast with a famous clarinetist,

51:47 - 52:01

Max Rushden. Oh, yeah. You don't recall second clarinet, Cambridge County Youth Orchestra 01 to 03. No, I don't recall that because I was so focused on the violins that I didn't know what was going on.

52:01 - 52:05

I understand. But I don't mind a double reed instrument if you want to go oboes.

52:05 - 52:09

But, you know, the clarinet, as a clarinetist, I'd have preferred a clarinet at a bus stop.

52:09 - 52:14

Oh, but it's just, it's a scan as well. Oboes at bus stops just has a double B clarinet.

52:14 - 52:29

Timpani at a tube station, that was one. Yeah. There's something, French horn, I couldn't get to fit the French horn in because I wanted to go A lot of it is just the fun of doing the out of copyright music with my mouth.

52:29 - 52:34

Except actually, the mission music is not out of copyright because it was only written 30 years ago.

52:34 - 52:45

So it's a disaster. Imagine getting sued by that. I said, I represent Ennio Morricone and this is an intrusion on his intellectual property rights.

52:45 - 52:57

I demand all of the income from the gig. Yeah. Imagine also the gig where it happens where swing doors at the back of the theatre open and like one of his many Western scores.

52:57 - 53:03

You know it's him because he goes, I don't know. Ennio Morricone is here. Because that's him.

53:03 - 53:07

He just says that. He walks up and goes, I, I, I. That's him talking.

53:07 - 53:16

Wasn't Ennio? Sarah, I hear you've been doing my oboe theme during your show. I've given him a sort of a bandito type accent.

53:16 - 53:21

That works. It definitely works. Yeah, even though he's clearly Italian and probably just speaks in any kind of way.

53:21 - 53:27

I'm a musical composer. I make pieces for many different genres of music. Not, I made music for Westerns.

53:27 - 53:37

I mean, a Western. He spits on the floor and rides around the courts. You got a problem with that, Gringo?

53:37 - 53:52

Okay, so where are we at? Ten o'clock. We're ten o'clock. No, hang on. We need to just, this gig, I think we're, if this is the hero's journey, this is ultimately where Push Comes to Shove is at this gig here.

53:52 - 53:59

I walk out. I walk out and then what do you do? The camera pulls back and all you hear is me and the lights above me and the audience applause.

53:59 - 54:03

That's surely how it ends with me with my arms up. A little rat on your head.

54:03 - 54:10

Yeah, a little rat on my head going, do some jokes, do some jokes. That's why Ratatouille wouldn't work in a comedy setting.

54:10 - 54:18

Say something else funny. Just go on. Say another funny thing there. And the rat, stop pulling the hair for I don't go to your place of work and knock the cocks out of your mouth.

54:18 - 54:22

Not now. We're not doing audience work. The gig was very good. The gig was excellent.

54:22 - 54:27

Yeah, I was very happy with it. 46 minutes in the first half, an hour and five in the second.

54:27 - 54:32

If anything, it's too long. I've already dropped one story from it. So I'm winnowing down.

54:32 - 54:37

I fear the oboes at bus stops may be the next thing to go. If that's going, there's some good stuff in there.

54:37 - 54:42

Oh man, if my Ennio Morricone material is going, then can you imagine what's still in?

54:42 - 54:46

I would imagine you got a lot of mileage out of, guess what I'm doing tomorrow?

54:46 - 54:52

The what did you do yesterday podcast. I said, you'll all feature. You'll feature. You'll feature.

54:52 - 55:01

You'll feature. I kept saying to people like whatever, you'll do. My points of the gig included there was a 15 year old boy at the gig in the front row or a boy who said he was 15.

55:01 - 55:08

He may not, he may be a little bit younger. And I kept going to him during bits about, man, isn't parenting at all a challenge or whatever?

55:08 - 55:14

You know, I went, are you getting any of this? He went, no, no. Absolutely none of this.

55:14 - 55:21

So he had to take what he could from it. Do you talk to anyone afterwards or do you just, to be honest, because my agent was there like whatever.

55:21 - 55:23

So no, there's a very nice pub downstairs called the Tapwork I believe it was.

55:23 - 55:27

And we went in and had one drink there to do a kind of a, oh, that seemed to work.

55:27 - 55:30

And I, but I was very happy with this. I didn't want to go through it line by line.

55:30 - 55:35

I will do that. I will, I will let that in my clearly incredibly indirect writing style.

55:35 - 55:41

I will leave the pieces of paper open beside me and that I may glance across and maybe absorb something or maybe some ideas come to my head.

55:41 - 55:47

Yeah, this is that right. He writes it all on the undersheet and then simply sleeps on top of it.

55:47 - 55:57

Wow. And blow a new show. Now, was it not the case when you went to the pub connected to the venue, the 50 people who'd seen the show with the exception of the 15 year old who wasn't allowed in.

55:57 - 56:08

Yeah. Were all there. And did they come up to you with suggestions? No. Interestingly, none of them came up, which is either a sign of the show is absolutely perfect and does not need any commentary.

56:08 - 56:12

Yeah. And so they just went, well, why would we even, why would we even bother him?

56:12 - 56:18

Because he's created a perfect show. They were all furiously tweeting, I have just seen the perfect show.

56:18 - 56:25

No, it was so awful. This is humiliating. We don't want the stench of the proximity to his death anywhere near me anymore.

56:25 - 56:32

I don't want to talk to him. Surely people who go and watch comedy, unless these are all like very good friends of yours, would go up to a comedian and go,

56:32 - 56:37

I like that bit. I did have one live show in Norway. We did Football Weekly in Oslo.

56:37 - 56:42

And after, we're chatting to everybody, like how lovely that, you know, they listen to Football Weekly in there.

56:42 - 56:46

And so we're chatting to everyone in the bar afterwards, blah, blah, blah. And we're there for maybe an hour, an hour and a half afterwards.

56:46 - 56:52

You know, we've got nowhere to be. We're in Oslo. Yeah. And then this one man sort of through the crowd says, he's just waiting for ages and he just says,

56:52 - 56:58

you did not talk about Arsene Wenger at all and him leaving. And that is why I listened to the Totally Football show.

56:58 - 57:08

And you're just like, oh, it's 1am. Cheers, mate. So one drink and then you toddle home.

57:08 - 57:11

Toddle home, whatever it was. My agent was staying over with me so we sat down and had another drink.

57:11 - 57:16

We did more discussion of Dave and how his life is going. See, it's my agent as well.

57:16 - 57:20

Are you having a wine? Are you having a beer? What are you having? I'm having a cider.

57:20 - 57:27

Sorry to bring this up, but I would imagine cider is possibly the least healthy drink in the world.

57:27 - 57:34

Totally. And there isn't really like a healthy version of it, is there? No, there's occasionally they bring out like a 0.0 and they're just not the same.

57:34 - 57:39

They're rubbish. But, you know, the only way to keep saying these things is to occasionally allow yourself the pleasure of something.

57:39 - 57:44

It did mean that we had to, because she wanted a glass of wine, so we had to extract a glass of wine.

57:44 - 57:51

This is the thing, using that wine extraction system. What? Oh, yeah, sorry. People who've stayed this far may be aware of this.

57:51 - 58:04

It's called a caravan, which is a hypodermic needle that you push into a wine bottle and then you pump argon gas in and it pushes wine out so that you can drink from a bottle of wine without opening it and then the wine stays sealed

58:04 - 58:15

and it doesn't spoil. It was invented by a guy who's a medical medical instruments man, dealer, you know, and his wife was pregnant and he owned a lot of wine,

58:15 - 58:20

but his wife was pregnant so she wasn't drinking and he didn't want to drink, open a bottle of wine to drink a bottle of wine every time he wanted a glass of wine.

58:20 - 58:30

So he invented it. You just put a needle into the wine and you push argon gas in and it pushes the liquid out and then you pull the needle out and the cork just seals and therefore the wine doesn't go off.

58:30 - 58:33

So you can have a bottle of wine on the go for weeks at a time.

58:33 - 58:42

It really would have been the perfect thing when you were a teenager and you were stealing small quantities of booze from your parents' liquor cabinet.

58:42 - 58:51

That would be amazing if you just stole fine wines. If they kept going, wait a minute, why are fine wines, why have they gone down by a glass at a time?

58:51 - 59:00

And still taste great. It wouldn't equip you for life really if at the age of 14 you developed a really good palate.

59:00 - 59:15

For Barolo. You're just ruined for everything else. You're going, oh no, I'm just going to go home and inject some Mouton Rothschild into my eye now because I've wasted on this hock for tea or tea you're bringing to me here.

59:15 - 59:21

And that was, they end up in a very pleasant conversation and eventually like, well, that'll be that now.

59:21 - 59:26

That'll be that. Yeah. About me. Mainly about Dave and how do you think he's going?

59:26 - 59:33

How long more has he got? At the rate he's going, he can drag this out for another five years, five years tops.

59:33 - 59:38

He has already become a professional podcaster and now coming to something he does on the side.

59:38 - 59:43

And within five years, I think comedy probably won't exist anymore as a medium, whereas podcasting.

59:43 - 59:47

It's all going, yeah. I mean, I'm not sure what exactly the forces are that's going to cause that.

59:47 - 59:52

But yeah, so comedy's going to stop and we're all just doomed to talk incessantly on each other's podcasts.

59:52 - 1:00:03

I'd say, Derek, get used to those 50-seaters because by the end of this tour, when this tour goes national in a year and a half's time, that's all just going to be us withering away.

1:00:03 - 1:00:08

And there's me and a 15-year-old, the only one who turns out really enjoy the show, come back and say, come back again.

1:00:08 - 1:00:13

He's the one who comes in to say, it's finished. An amazing final scene that would be.

1:00:13 - 1:00:21

Yeah. I'm standing in an empty theater and all you hear are the footsteps of the 15-year-old come in and I go, oh, and he goes, it's over.

1:00:21 - 1:00:27

And the clink, clink, you hear the clink, clink, all the lights come, clink, clink, clink, and I'm left in darkness.

1:00:27 - 1:00:34

Yeah, it's that painting of the last sailboat being pulled to the wrecker's yard by the steamship.

1:00:34 - 1:00:39

That's effectively it. Incredibly famous painting who's, the name of which I can't remember, by Constable?

1:00:39 - 1:00:46

Constable. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's called, Oh Shit, I think. I have thick eyes.

1:00:46 - 1:00:56

It's just, it's like a moment. Oh, I'd forgotten the Oh Shit posters. You know, where two train lines meet with the left turn and the right turn and the other,

1:00:56 - 1:01:02

which is the words, Oh Shit. That was a whole genre. That was a whole genre of poster back in the day.

1:01:02 - 1:01:11

Oh, that's funny. Let's put that in my bedroom. Oh Shit. I live right beside Harcourt Street train station in Dublin, which is the site of one of the original Oh Shit posters,

1:01:11 - 1:01:21

which is the steam train that's smashed through the brick wall at the end of Harcourt Street train station and is dangling still connected to the tender in the air.

1:01:21 - 1:01:32

And there's various mustachioed men standing around all going, Oh Shit. Like Brunel. All of them looking like it's about King to Brunel going, Oh Shit.

1:01:32 - 1:01:36

That was a great genre of poster. So, do you find it easy to go to sleep?

1:01:37 - 1:01:47

No, I need to be a little bit wiped out like the, I mean, it actually, although it's very little happened, it was, I was quite, but I needed to decompress a bit like whatever.

1:01:47 - 1:01:54

So actually I sat on a, I did a little bit more of a puzzle thing or whatever just to wind the brain down like the, Word search.

1:01:54 - 1:02:00

Was it a word search, Dara? Squaredle. Was it Squaredle? Oh no, it was a card game which is, Oh, what is it called?

1:02:00 - 1:02:06

I only downloaded it yesterday and it's excellent and it's nominated for one of the BAFTA video games of the year this year.

1:02:06 - 1:02:14

Anyone who knows games will go, Oh, you mean this thing that came out and it's like a kind of a poker solitaire type thing where the blinds keep going up and you have to earn extra cards,

1:02:14 - 1:02:19

whatever. I've only just started playing it. Oh yeah, it's a go fish. No, it's not go fish.

1:02:19 - 1:02:23

It's not. I know you don't go for this stuff at all, but anyway, I did a bit of that.

1:02:23 - 1:02:35

I do. Stop it. Anyway, I played a video game. I believe sitting quietly with a cat on my own just until I, you know, wound down and then, and then I went out and murdered somebody else and then I went to bed.

1:02:36 - 1:02:40

Wow. And that's why you've been covered in blood for this whole podcast. The whole thing.

1:02:40 - 1:02:50

All the clues were there the entire time. I and the dog who had murdered people and the wrapping paper killer and then like all the most elegant of killers, I cook a fine meal.

1:02:50 - 1:02:55

I cook a fabulous meal at the end. I do think it would almost from what you think is a food jigsaw.

1:02:55 - 1:03:02

I do think it's almost a perfect crime would be a criminal that does their crime.

1:03:02 - 1:03:07

They tour their comedy show and does the crimes at halftime It's a perfect alibi.

1:03:07 - 1:03:13

Judge, I was doing my show. How could I have possibly stolen the chandelier or whatever?

1:03:13 - 1:03:17

But you missed a 15 minute. You'd have to really quickly get out. Thank you very much.

1:03:17 - 1:03:22

I'll see you in the second half. Race out the door. Yeah. Grot somebody in a laneway behind the theatre.

1:03:22 - 1:03:27

Exactly. And somebody then go, but all the murders happened outside a theatre you were in.

1:03:27 - 1:03:34

Camberley, Cambridge, Oxford. Yeah. You did three nights in Belfast and did somebody each of the nights.

1:03:36 - 1:03:43

It would take a real, I don't know, either a new cop or an old cop to spot this pattern.

1:03:43 - 1:03:48

Life's about patterns, Sarah. Just a shot of a cop going, Jesus, there's something we're not seeing.

1:03:48 - 1:03:52

And over his shoulder, there's a tour poster of me with a bunch of days.

1:03:52 - 1:03:58

And I sat there like drenched in blood. Killer stand up, it says. Killer stand up.

1:03:58 - 1:04:10

That's a nice twist. You should be writing these books. I should. I'm worried that if I start writing them, Osmond will come to my house and throw shit in my window to stop me doing it.

1:04:10 - 1:04:15

Thank you, Osmond, I'll say, partially opening the window so I can't get to. Fuck you.

1:04:15 - 1:04:20

I'm joining the gravy train now. Dara, it's been a delight to hear about your day.

1:04:20 - 1:04:29

I have a feeling that when you're old, this podcast could be an interesting, the vast majority of podcasts I do, I will never listen back to.

1:04:29 - 1:04:35

But I feel for our guests, this is a reminder of what it was actually like in 2020.

1:04:35 - 1:04:41

2024. It'll be a primary historical document. Like the Bay of Tapestry. Very much like the Bay of Tapestry.

1:04:41 - 1:04:53

And when I die, because obviously funeral technology moved on, there'll be a pressure plate in front of my grave that when people stand on it, it'll start playing this podcast so you can see what it was like,

1:04:53 - 1:05:00

you know. Unedited, as also the full two-hour cut of me talking about walking my dog.

1:05:00 - 1:05:12

Imagine if the dog sets it off. Oh, what a finale. I'm dead and the dog walks and sits on the pressure plate so it can hear my voice again and just lies down.

1:05:12 - 1:05:18

Oh, that's, oh, camera pulls away. It's a real cyber take on Greyfriars Bobby. It's kind of what it is.

1:05:18 - 1:05:23

The dog just keeps every time someone comes, listen to his podcast again. What a day.

1:05:23 - 1:05:28

Basically, he buried in a line with all the other guests that we've had. Yeah.

1:05:28 - 1:05:41

In a special grave that was set up as a tribute to this and then it was like a pantheon so that the state recognises the wonderful work done by the guests of Woodiddy and Hall of Woodiddy and then we all lined up like whatever

1:05:41 - 1:05:47

and each of our pets line up at the foot of our grave and hear the episodes play.

1:05:47 - 1:05:54

Yeah, Osman's psychopathic cats are just sitting at the end of his eyeing your dog, of course.

1:05:54 - 1:06:02

Yeah, when they interview us, David, about what did you do with all the millions from this podcast, we say we built a mausoleum for our guests.

1:06:02 - 1:06:06

And then we all set them all up and he's going, would you like to be buried in our mausoleum?

1:06:06 - 1:06:19

Test to a lion. Ironically, he's a lion that did for most of us. Okay, Dara, thank you very much.

1:06:19 - 1:06:35

A pleasure, gentlemen, an absolute delight. Dara's good, isn't he, David? Let's be real. Dara's good.

1:06:35 - 1:06:43

He likes the podcast. He was listening to my other podcast. I don't want to make this about me, but that was a touching moment because he didn't do that for show.

1:06:43 - 1:06:46

Like, that was what he was doing when you messaged to say, can you just do this?

1:06:46 - 1:06:54

So I was like, ah, that's nice. But, oh, I had a really enjoyable time with another of your friends.

1:06:54 - 1:07:05

It was nice also, it was an interesting window into that this tour will go around the world and we were there to some extent on night one in a, tiny,

1:07:05 - 1:07:12

tiny room close to where he lives and, I think this is the, we've set a high bar for a series two.

1:07:12 - 1:07:19

Listeners, if you would like to get in touch with this podcast, I think we do want more feedback this year.

1:07:19 - 1:07:29

I'm always interested in where are you when you're listening to the podcast, any advice you might have for us, any times you think we dropped the ball during the podcast,

1:07:29 - 1:07:46

here's how to get in touch. To get in touch with the show, you can email us at whatdidyoudoyesterdaypod at gmail.com Follow us on Instagram at yesterdaypod and please subscribe and leave a review if you liked it on your preferred podcast platform.

1:07:46 - 1:08:02

And if you didn't, please don't. Hey, thanks David, as always. Thanks Max. Thanks to the listeners for joining us here on the new, the all new What Did You Do Yesterday series two.

1:08:02 - 1:08:07

And I'll see you midweek if we're still carrying on with that. And if we're not, I'll see you on Sunday. Bye.

WDWDY #74: Hoovered Under The Duvet

S4 EP22: Briony May Williams

WDWDY #73: I'm Eating Bullets

S4 EP21: Ben Elton

WDWDY #72: The Montenegro Tease

S4 EP20: Shane Daniel Byrne

WDWDY #71: I could go on You Bet!

S4 EP19: Amy Annette

WDWDY #70: In The Air Tonight

S4 EP18: Paul Williams

WDWDY #69: Caught with a Kumquat

S4 EP17: Waleed Aly

WDWDY #68: I am Poo Poo

S4 EP16: Lloyd Langford

WDWDY #67: I HATE NATURE

S4 EP15: Isy Suttie

WDWDY #66: Busted knees and ruptured spleens

S4 EP14: Mel Giedroyc

WDWDY #65: Max & David's Woke Daydream

S4 EP13: Chris Addison

WDWDY #64: It's 6am in Texas

S4 EP12: Bilal Zafar

WDWDY #63: Faulty Bike Seats

S4 EP11: Tom Cashman

WDWDY #62: Dublin Show Post Mortem

S4 EP10: Phil Ellis

WDWDY #61: Exceptional Perineum

S4 EP9: Marjolein Robertson

WDWDY #60: Yesterday waits for no man

S4 EP8: Fern Brady

WDWDY #59: Fun Facts and Days Before

S4 EP7: Michelle Wolf

WDWDY #58: Y.E.S.T.E.R.D.A.Y.

S4 EP6: Susie McCabe

WDWDY #57: Sandwich and soup combo

S4 EP5: Richard Herring

WDWDY #56: All my troubles seemed so far away...

S4 EP4: Vittorio Angelone

WDWDY #55: A Soapy Explosion

S4 EP3: Christopher Macarthur-Boyd

WDWDY #54: A Yesterday Like Any Other

S4 EP2: John Kearns

WDWDY #53: Do yesterdays dream of electric cheese?

S4 EP1: Bret McKenzie

WDWDY #52: Duelling Cheeseboards

The Great Christmas Bunny Emergency (Part 3)

The Great Christmas Bunny Emergency (Part 2 )

The Great Christmas Bunny Emergency (Part 1 )

S3 EP27: Rob Auton

WDWDY #51: In Fairness To Lube

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S2 EP1: Dara Ó Briain