0:00 - 0:11
Podcasts, there are millions of them. Some might say too many. I have one already.
0:11 - 0:20
I don't have any, because there are enough. Politics, business, sport, you name it, there's a podcast about it, and they all ask the big questions and cover the hot topics of the day.
0:20 - 0:25
But nobody is covering the most important topic of all. Why is that? Are they scared?
0:25 - 0:34
Too afraid of being censored by the man? Possibly, but not us. We're here to ask the only question that matters.
0:34 - 0:38
We try and say it at the same time, Max. What did you do yesterday?
0:38 - 0:43
What did you do yesterday? That's it. All we're interested in is what the guests got up to yesterday.
0:43 - 0:49
Nothing more. Day before yesterday, Max? Nope. The greatest and most interesting day of your life?
0:49 - 0:55
Unless it was yesterday, we don't want to know about it. I'm Max Rushden. And I'm David O'Doherty.
0:55 - 1:04
Welcome to What Did You Do Yesterday? Welcome to Season 2, Episode 9 of What Did You Do Yesterday?
1:04 - 1:10
I think that's what it is. David O'Doherty is here. Hello, David. Hello, Max. I believe, I don't care.
1:10 - 1:20
Who cares about the numbers at this point? It's just, it's entered into the culture as maybe the most important artifact of the 21st century so far.
1:20 - 1:27
Yeah, it's interesting you mention artifact because this is the first episode that actually has potentially a physical artifact.
1:27 - 1:33
We're honest on this podcast. We have just finished. We're just recording with Tom Rosenthal and his yesterday.
1:33 - 1:38
And there are two important things to point out. One is his dog at some point gets excitable.
1:38 - 1:44
So you may hear a dog in the episode. The dog is mentioned. It takes part in the day.
1:44 - 1:53
You will hear a dog at some point, which is fine. The second point is that Tom documented his day with a PDF, which he sent to us.
1:53 - 1:59
So in most episodes, David, we're asking people, and then what happened next, basically. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
1:59 - 2:04
Whereas. Because in this episode, we are talking through the PDF that is sent to us.
2:04 - 2:19
We are referring to images, diagrams, slides, screenshots. What I like about this episode is we want this to be about the guests.
2:19 - 2:27
And of course, we are but here to facilitate the guests. And this could not be more Tom Rosenthal.
2:27 - 2:36
You know, this is basically. If you were to. If you were to zoom in on his DNA, on his double helix, you would see this PDF document, I'm pretty sure.
2:36 - 2:40
Look, for those of you that don't know Tom Rosenthal, he was in Friday Night Dinner, in Plebs.
2:40 - 2:45
He's done lots of live shows. He's, of course, in the Rhys James episode, eating a lot of pineapple.
2:45 - 2:50
And he has a play out, by the way, called The Government Inspector by Nikolai Gogol.
2:50 - 2:59
I mean, the culture, you know, probably knows it. A new adaptation by Phil Porter, which is at the Chichester Festival Theatre.
2:59 - 3:09
And he's on tour in 2026, so please follow him on Instagram. But if you are a completist of the podcast, you should have the PDF while you're listening.
3:09 - 3:14
I appreciate some of you jog or drive while listening to this, so it might be tricky.
3:14 - 3:21
But we will put a link to download the PDF on the page on the podcast.
3:21 - 3:27
I think we'll put it on yesterday pod, the Instagram page. There will be a link to it there.
3:27 - 3:29
But we're not going to do screen grabs. We're going to do, you have to download.
3:29 - 3:45
Load it properly. But Mars Bar, producer Mars Bar says, if you want a printed copy of the PDF, if you send a stamped address envelope to Keep It Light, P.O. Box 81668, London, N1P3WW,
3:45 - 3:57
Mars Bar will send you a PDF. Hard copy. Just thinking of Mars Bar, his little fingers writing addresses on the front of envelopes.
3:57 - 4:05
It's just, it's not the podcasting. We know it's the new podcasting that involves stamps, letterboxes, and writing.
4:05 - 4:12
Can I just quickly caveat that with first five only? If I get 400 requests for a PDF.
4:12 - 4:26
First five. Okay, first five. First 5,000, as he said, first 5,000 we'll get. I think it's worth saying no guest has gone above and beyond as much as Tom did to document his entire day in a PDF.
4:26 - 4:35
And here is Mia. Mia and David acting very much like it made me feel like we were the two lawyers in the OJ Simpson trial.
4:35 - 4:43
May I refer you to slide one? The first time you said it, like slide five, I was like, this is ridiculous.
4:43 - 4:59
Anyway, here's what Tom did yesterday. Tom Rosenthal, welcome to what did you do yesterday?
4:59 - 5:04
Thank you very much. Thank you. Big fan of the podcast that you are doing.
5:04 - 5:12
Good to know. And also, this is very exciting for David now because you're the first guest who has already been the star of an episode.
5:12 - 5:18
Yeah. In many ways, more of a star than James was on. I don't know if you've heard that episode.
5:18 - 5:29
Yep. Yep. I listened to it. Yep. Yeah. Tom, do you feel you were fairly represented in that episode as a man who doesn't tell anyone it's his birthday?
5:29 - 5:39
And eats over 500 grams of pineapple? Sadly, yes. Yeah. No, I couldn't really listen to that complaining.
5:39 - 5:48
I suppose the only complaint is that who I am has been revealed. You know, I don't like to do podcasts talking about my life because I am so strange.
5:48 - 5:55
But now Rhys has already sort of like told you how strange I feel. Like it's only my right to go and explain fully with a whole day of my own.
5:55 - 6:06
Pandora's box has been opened. It really is. It really is, yes. Yeah. And look, I suppose the thing is I'm very excited about the amount of pineapple eaten in what happened yesterday.
6:06 - 6:14
And it doesn't matter to me if it's none or like three kilos. Yeah. But like that's, I'm not saying I'm not looking forward to the whole day, but I'm looking
6:14 - 6:20
forward to by the end of the day, you know, if you go and just before I went to bed, I ate six kilos of pineapple.
6:20 - 6:24
That's all I'm hoping for. What about you, David? It would be comedically satisfying, sure.
6:24 - 6:29
I mean, obviously I did text you the day before inquiring as to whether I should eat pineapple for community.
6:29 - 6:35
For comedic purposes, but I didn't want to just sort of play up to this archetype that your audience has in their heads.
6:35 - 6:41
I wanted it to be an authentic day. You know, sometimes I do eat huge amounts of pineapple, sometimes I don't.
6:41 - 6:52
So you're just going to have to sort of wait and see. I like that you did ask that question, but it's also from our point of view, the prime directive for us is not to influence the day, you know, there's a back to the future element
6:52 - 6:59
to it, except the time I asked Ed Gamble to do a murder during his yesterday.
6:59 - 7:04
Just to liven up the podcast. He didn't, to the best of my knowledge. The murder podcasts do do well, to be fair.
7:04 - 7:09
I don't know, is your audience going up or is it flagging already? We need someone.
7:09 - 7:19
We're waiting for someone, you know, with real author. We're waiting for like Christian and Guru Murphy to say, you know, then I decapitated someone on the verge of the North Circular.
7:19 - 7:26
You should start doing the podcast with very questionable characters, going into prisons and stuff, you know, now you have more luck than just sort of idle comedians.
7:26 - 7:33
But no, I really much appreciate being invited. This avant-garde experiment in mundanity. I cannot wait for you to interrogate my day.
7:33 - 7:37
Well, actually, you know, first off, I don't know whether this has been broached. When do you think yesterday started?
7:37 - 7:44
When you woke up, the moment you woke up. Yeah, but woke up for good, like getting up for a waz unless something significant happens.
7:44 - 7:57
You know, we have had Mark Watson has drawn a clear line between the we you take where you try not to disturb the cortex to enter into a state of decision making.
7:57 - 8:03
So that's not waking up. But waking up is if you were to say, brush your teeth or something like that, you're up, baby.
8:03 - 8:15
So you're not defining it as just the start of the day, as in like midnight onwards, because my day, my day is a strange one for you guys that I mean, technically, it would start at 1019am.
8:15 - 8:21
But I would say that over half of my day has already happened then, honestly, in terms of events.
8:21 - 8:24
Let me explain. I need to send you a document. Have you got the document?
8:24 - 8:30
Yes, we've got the document. So basically, something that really holds me back as a comedian is that I have a sort of terrible memory.
8:30 - 8:35
And even though you are going to ask me about what happened yesterday, I don't have enough faith in myself to remember.
8:35 - 8:46
So I've used a diarising app called Day One, which allows you to take a photo or take a note at any particular point in the day.
8:46 - 8:51
And it will tell you exactly the sort of time and location where you took that photo or note.
8:51 - 8:57
So you can then review your day with, I don't know, perhaps a slightly more higher resolution lens than you've been doing with guests previously.
8:57 - 9:02
It hadn't been my thought. To actually send you this, I thought I'd just use it for my own purposes.
9:02 - 9:09
But now I just think the most sensible course of action is to send you this document, have you peruse through it like a sort of detective.
9:09 - 9:19
So are you saying, Tom, like rather than talk about it on this podcast, all of the listeners, we just send them the data file, we post it out to them?
9:19 - 9:25
It would be a lot easier for me. As Rhys's episode suggested, I'm not comfortable improvising.
9:25 - 9:30
You didn't send me a script. I don't know. Anything that I'm supposed to say in this.
9:30 - 9:35
So I have no faith this is going to be good unless we have a real sort of bank of data to work from.
9:35 - 9:42
And that, I think, the information that I've sent you could constitute a script. Because, yeah, I've not really prepped any one-liners for this.
9:42 - 9:47
And that makes me feel uncomfortable. I've always thought I can't be bothered to meet new people anymore, right?
9:47 - 9:53
And as someone with like young children who appear to be getting older, you get invited to birthday parties for them.
9:53 - 9:57
And that involves their parents and their new people. And I sort of can't be bothered.
9:57 - 10:00
But at the same time, I don't. I don't want them to think that I'm an arsehole.
10:00 - 10:12
So I sort of make an effort. But I thought it'd be really useful if, in that situation, everyone just had a laminated piece of paper with their kind of, you know, their A-level results, their interests, what they do.
10:12 - 10:18
And you could just all arrive and hand them over and take a little look and think, OK, this could be worth persevering with or not.
10:18 - 10:22
And I feel that's what you've done in a way. So you've sent. I've opened it, but I haven't looked at it.
10:22 - 10:26
Because I don't want to see your day in a PDF. I want to ask you about that.
10:26 - 10:35
I'm happy to publish this later. I want to ask you. OK, fine. You can ask me about it and I'll do my best to answer without referring to the PDF.
10:35 - 10:41
You can refer to it. I just don't want to look at it yet. Essentially, you're bringing a sort of dating app vibe to this.
10:41 - 10:45
You know, what is a dating app? If not, here's a list of my vitals.
10:45 - 10:51
You know, what do you think? This is everything that I've done in a day.
10:51 - 11:01
It's all the tweets that I looked at every single Instagram. Post I perused. So much detail.
11:01 - 11:09
It's data. It's nothing if not complete. I mean, it's not going to be your funniest episode, but it will certainly be the best researched.
11:09 - 11:15
I'm just looking through it. It is really long. This is good stuff. It's 22 pages.
11:15 - 11:21
It's 22 pages. But as you'll see, if you get to page 11, that's when I'm waking up at 10, 19 a.m.
11:21 - 11:28
There's a lot of stuff that happens before my official wake up, which is why I beg you to just start at midnight.
11:28 - 11:33
Otherwise, this episode could end pretty quick, which will make you feel better. Sure. Okay.
11:33 - 11:38
We're open-minded, I think, David. I mean, you have just had a baby. And so I understand the world you're in.
11:38 - 11:43
I've just had my second one. So if you want to begin at midnight, you can begin at midnight.
11:43 - 11:52
Yes. Well, so it's midnight. And my baby, who's just turned 17 days old, is not asleep.
11:52 - 11:56
She's not asleep. And that is my issue. Max, how do you make them sleep?
11:56 - 12:02
I don't understand why they don't. They just go to sleep when they're tired. What do you mean you're tired so you're going to cry more?
12:02 - 12:07
I know you're a baby, but you can't be that stupid as to not understand that you should sleep now.
12:07 - 12:15
Do you know what's funny? There's this thing called the four-month regression. And their sleep gets even worse.
12:15 - 12:21
And you're like, how can this regress to anything? There's nothing to regress from. Do you know what I mean?
12:21 - 12:24
OK, take me through the four-month regression, if you wouldn't mind, because I need to prep for this.
12:24 - 12:29
You just think you've worked it out, and then they fuck you. And that's at best.
12:29 - 12:33
I guess that's what parenting is probably for the whole time. I guess it is.
12:33 - 12:37
OK, so you have a little boy or girl, and they're not sleeping. Tell us what you're saying.
12:37 - 12:46
It's a little girl, yeah. And I'm doing all my techniques, which is sort of just bouncing her on my legs, giving her Coca-Cola, all the standard techniques.
12:46 - 12:57
And yeah, it's a struggle. She definitely prefers her mother. Her mother definitely has a sort of temperament that has the capacity to make her feel relaxed.
12:57 - 13:00
But whenever I'm on a night shift, I'm like, I think she just doesn't like it as much.
13:00 - 13:09
So we've got her in a sort of star-shaped sleep suit, which apparently stops them from kind of harming themselves, but doesn't look entirely comfortable.
13:09 - 13:18
And I empathize with her situation. She's got a sort of a caregiver who is doing his best, but clearly is not prepared for this task.
13:18 - 13:24
And she's trying to do something that she really wants to do, but apparently doesn't have the sort of intellectual capacity to understand how to.
13:24 - 13:30
What do you think it is, Tom? Do you think your energy is just... Just a little too big.
13:30 - 13:35
You know what I mean? Yeah, I'm testing out my gags on her, sure. Yeah, my impressions.
13:35 - 13:42
Frank Spencer. Honestly, I don't know. I mean, it's very hard to sort of read her.
13:42 - 13:47
You can see at 12, 16 a.m. I decided to let her lie in the bed and she started hiccuping like a sort of cartoon.
13:47 - 13:56
And I feel like she often throws a kind of curveball whereby like she'll look comfy and then she's about to go to sleep and I'll put her down and then she'll be very upset about that.
13:56 - 13:59
I'm not very good at reading. I'm not very good at reading the behavior of adults.
13:59 - 14:05
So I don't know how I'm supposed to do it for someone who can't, you know, even communicate in the language that I speak.
14:05 - 14:12
I see at 12, 16, if I can refer you to the document slide one. Oh no, please do.
14:12 - 14:20
Whatever you want. You know what we have to do, David, is we have to publish these so anyone listening can follow along with it.
14:20 - 14:27
Yeah, happy to do that. 16 minutes into the day that's starting at midnight, decide to let her lie in bed.
14:28 - 14:36
Starts hiccuping like a cartoon, not really sure what to do. I think you might be on the wrong podcast for this.
14:36 - 14:44
As in, my colleague Max always claims that whatever the golden touch is, he doesn't quite have it.
14:44 - 14:54
So there's a sort of a blind leading the blind here. And as you can see, so that means at 12.50am, I ask Chachi to make your baby go to sleep.
14:54 - 15:02
I swaddle side or stomach position, shush, I mean, I tried it all. And honestly, at about 1am, it did work.
15:02 - 15:09
I did a bounce and shush. I put her on my legs and I sort of bounced her up and down and went kind of trying to create a sort of white noise effect.
15:09 - 15:13
And she did go to sleep. I can send you a little photo of her going to sleep for 10 minutes.
15:13 - 15:17
And then she woke up and you can see at 2am, I am then awake again.
15:17 - 15:30
And it's horrendous. Far be it for me to question AI in any way, but AI does suggest I mean, I guess that's what we're talking about.
15:30 - 15:35
The shush, which is point three of AI's five point plan for getting her to sleep.
15:35 - 15:45
White noise or a gentle shush mimics womb sounds. A hairdryer works wonders, which is a lovely idea of you just blasting her with a Dyson.
15:45 - 16:00
I was just going to say on that 10 minute thing, any parents listening will know when you finally get them to sleep, the euphoria you feel is just, you cannot articulate the absolute joy of the silence.
16:00 - 16:07
And then 10 minutes later for them to wake up, it is like being shot in the face, isn't it?
16:07 - 16:12
Because you think you've done it. I don't understand it, man. She seems so relaxed and chill when she's in my arms.
16:12 - 16:16
And then I'll put her down into her bed and she's like, oh no, I'm not in your arms anymore.
16:16 - 16:22
And she's like, I'm going to cry. I don't get it yet. And honestly, you haven't given me any faith that I ever will get it.
16:22 - 16:30
No, I don't think you will. It's early days. But I'm doing my best. So that's why basically my day, you know, technically starts at 10, 19 a.m. when I wake up.
16:30 - 16:36
But I've been doing that all night. She actually does go to sleep for about three and a half hours at one point, which is awesome.
16:36 - 16:43
We can see. It says 2.21 a.m. She fell asleep. 6.28 a.m. Yeah. That's a good run.
16:43 - 16:46
You shouldn't complain about this night. You've got a four-hour stint in there. She's done great.
16:46 - 16:52
And, yeah, she's also sort of largely on breast milk. And she's chugged away quite a lot of that.
16:52 - 16:57
And then you can sort of wake up and I see I've got a nice little photo of my dog and my baby and everything looks easy and nice.
16:57 - 17:07
Yeah. And then what happens is my girlfriend comes in to sort of take over and I get to have my actual bedtime, which is when I go to sleep in the other room because we're sleeping in sort of separate rooms whilst all this is going on
17:07 - 17:12
and also quite a lot of the time when it's not going on because it's just nicer and we don't love each other.
17:12 - 17:24
Slide five features an idyllic picture of the baby and the dog. Tell me about the relationship between these.
17:24 - 17:30
Does the baby ride the dog like a tiny knight sometimes? That is the plan.
17:30 - 17:38
We are going to start training soon, but right now, no, the baby can't walk or talk, so we thought it would be a bit tough to establish that.
17:38 - 17:42
Yeah, and now you leave the baby with the dog for six hours every day.
17:42 - 17:49
Yeah, weirdly the baby sleeps so much better. She's got the shush down, so she's great with the hairdryer.
17:49 - 17:55
It's odd. Amazing dog. Look at him. The dog has taught the baby how to round up sheep.
17:55 - 18:02
It's a beautiful thing. So 6.28 is a handover, and then you get to go and lie in bed.
18:02 - 18:06
Wow, that's a moment, right? I lie down. Did you not get that sort of luxury?
18:06 - 18:11
If you've been up on the night to have a little morning nap? No, we were sort of all in it together.
18:11 - 18:16
Are you saying that that's wrong for me to do that? Because I don't know what is right and what is wrong.
18:16 - 18:19
I don't think there's any right or wrong. I don't think you should feel stressed about this.
18:19 - 18:34
What I want to know is, Tom, when you then at 6.28, it doesn't matter the precise time, do you fall asleep, immediately, and do you have drink from the deepest, most wonderful cup of sleep that you have ever tasted?
18:34 - 18:41
Yeah, basically, yeah. I just hop across to the next bed and have a lovely sleep and have a really nice dream.
18:41 - 18:45
I actually very rarely dream. I'm getting quite worried about my lack of ability to dream.
18:45 - 18:52
But I had a dream which I put in the document as well. Could be your first sort of subconscious contribution to this podcast.
18:52 - 18:59
I don't know. Has anyone else talked about their dreams that they've had? Not really, because we normally cut people off for these times.
18:59 - 19:06
That's what you did last night. Different podcast. Okay, so we are at 10.27 and you check your emails.
19:06 - 19:18
Oh, yeah. So I've got some royalties, which is fab. Great. You can see that BBC Studios distribution have paid me for Friday night dinner series to £59.74.
19:18 - 19:31
The agency deductions there, obviously 12.5% commission to my agent, £7.47. VAT on commission, £1.49. So I've been paid £50.78 for being in Friday night dinner series too.
19:31 - 19:35
Not a bad day at work for me. Now, you have to say you're in it a lot.
19:35 - 19:48
You're in that show a lot. Yeah. So what is this, a specific payment for, like, you're getting juicy residuals every time they put that show on, for goodness sake.
19:48 - 19:56
It's much more typical to receive £50 than anything particularly juicy. You can see on the invoice it says royalties for digital video sales.
19:57 - 20:00
I guess that's some people buying DVDs. I don't know. Do people do that anymore?
20:00 - 20:05
I don't know the specifics as to why I've received that amount of money. Interesting.
20:05 - 20:17
Yeah. I'd say if you've made £50 out of DVD sales, given that other people need to make some stuff, Friday night dinner has actually sold a lot of DVDs in the last, I think it's done pretty well.
20:17 - 20:25
I mean, obviously I'm not going to go on a podcast that's going to be listened to by lots of people and complain that actors don't get paid enough royalties.
20:27 - 20:35
But it used to be very different. I think even like five to 10 years before I got into shows, that invoice would have been £5,000.
20:35 - 20:40
But they sort of changed the contracts for actors and streaming has sort of killed that.
20:40 - 20:48
So my residuals genuinely are much more often £50 than anything more exciting than that, which is why I'm comfortable talking to them about this podcast.
20:48 - 20:54
I haven't cut out anything though. I want that to be clear. I am not protecting any of my own modesty here.
20:54 - 21:05
Believe me, I'm getting that. I'm definitely coming across here. Is it possible this is just the payment though for like Blu-rays or you know what I mean?
21:05 - 21:10
I don't know, David. I don't look into it. I just get £50.78 and think, brilliant.
21:10 - 21:17
I'm going to buy me some pineapple. Incidentally, I'm asking for 3% off the back of this.
21:17 - 21:26
I'm an actor, so I get royalties. So whatever you get, both of you have to email me and go, here's 4p in 2036.
21:26 - 21:34
I'm expecting that. I'm going to put a note on my phone to transfer you £50.78 in the year 2036.
21:34 - 21:38
If you wouldn't mind. I'm very, very keen to do that. Yeah, no, I've got high hopes for this pod.
21:38 - 21:52
High hopes. It's doing well. Tom, I hate to leave the document for a moment, but I am intrigued as to some of the cracks that may exist between us, which is before receiving the email, you presumably, you know,
21:52 - 22:00
you've got a hot bod. It's got to run on fuel, and yet we've been up, theoretically, since midnight, and you haven't eaten anything.
22:00 - 22:04
You haven't had a little drink. So are you just, you've had your four hours sleep.
22:04 - 22:12
Do you just open your phone immediately, or do you go down, a guy like you who's probably made up a sweet Greek yogurt meal of some kind?
22:12 - 22:21
No, you don't know me at all, man. My intention with this day, right, was because I love your podcast, but I don't like the bits about food.
22:21 - 22:24
I don't like, it's nothing to do with your podcast. I don't like food generally.
22:24 - 22:30
I find it boring. So what I was going, what I was going to do was just fast the entire day, so we could cut out all the fast.
22:30 - 22:38
Because I do do that sometimes. I fast for 24 hours. It's a health thing, but I just thought that'd be great, so I can just get to the real gold in my email box.
22:38 - 22:49
I respect what you're doing here, Tom, which is you're trying to keep us away from other successful podcasts, such as Off Menu.
22:49 - 22:54
I do feel we're straying dangerously close to another one called Parenting Hell, though. Oh, I'm sorry.
22:54 - 22:59
I'm so sorry for having a child. It's what I'm doing. It's what I'm doing.
22:59 - 23:06
I'm authentic. To be fair to you, Tom, you didn't know nine and a half months ago that you were going to be booked for this podcast.
23:06 - 23:15
Were you supposed to wait? That's not in the small print. I heard Rhys slamming me as a weirdo, and I thought, I've got to get on this and prove him right.
23:15 - 23:25
My amazing girlfriend, Gigi, wasn't aware of my plan, so when I woke up, she actually brought me some toast, some sourdough toast with almond butter slathered on top of it.
23:25 - 23:28
Lovely. Despite the fact that I wasn't aware of my plan, I wanted to stay true to the bit.
23:28 - 23:33
I actually just caved and immediately ate that, so I've eaten that. Beyond that, I'll pop downstairs into the kitchen.
23:33 - 23:37
I made myself some black coffee, because I sort of can't really think without that.
23:37 - 23:41
And then beyond that, I can't remember, so I'm going to have to refer to the PDF again, I'm afraid.
23:41 - 23:51
Sorry. That's okay. Referring to slide seven, and I do like feeling a bit like we are two high-ranking barristers prosecuting a murder victim here.
23:51 - 23:59
You check the Arsenal WhatsApp group, and Luke McQueen has messaged to say that, Arsenal should have signed Rodrigo Muniz from Fulham in January.
23:59 - 24:04
I'm interested, is this the same Luke McQueen who lives with Lou Simon? Yes, it is, yes.
24:04 - 24:12
It would be amazing if it wasn't, yeah. Oh, I'm pleased about that. The what did you do yesterday cinematic universe.
24:12 - 24:25
The scene was big at first, but actually all the tendrils just, wow. Here's another thing is that remember when Jen Brister was saying, you know, she has that toilet upstairs that doesn't flush properly,
24:25 - 24:31
and someone had taken a big dump, and then we discovered, I don't think on air, but that was Kerry Godleyman's husband.
24:31 - 24:38
I don't know if that's for broadcast. It's a small world. It's a small what did you do yesterday world that we're in.
24:38 - 24:49
Small world, big shit. Yeah, yeah. Okay, 10.45 a.m., you are eating a bag of caramelized onion and balsamic vinegar pea and bean sticks.
24:49 - 24:59
Well, this is it, Max, because despite the fact that I wanted to stay completely away from the food I consume, because that's already been lambasted on this podcast, I've eaten the almond butter smothered on sourdough,
24:59 - 25:05
the only food prepared for me by someone else. I am just going to like fully lean into the weird way in which I eat.
25:05 - 25:15
So I'm now going to have half a bag of caramelized onion and balsamic vinegar pea sticks and just sort of continue eating random stuff.
25:15 - 25:18
I just don't care about food, man. I just can't get on board with it.
25:18 - 25:26
So I just eat stuff to make me stop feeling hungry, which really alienates a lot of people and makes me unlikable, which is why I was.
25:26 - 25:37
Initially trying to stay away from it, but now we're going to go full throttle between the pea sticks and the pear frangipani that I ate at 1141 a.m.
25:37 - 25:47
Just back to the pea sticks. Yeah, sure. Tuck into the pea sticks, please. It's a brand I've never heard of called Off the Eaten Path that make it, which does seem like an oral sex reference.
25:47 - 26:03
My girlfriend basically only buys foodstuffs that are supposed to be sort of healthier than the average thing that you have so we're quite willing to pay the sort of price premium to be marketed towards with stuff like 30% less fat
26:03 - 26:09
or, as you can see on this bag, now with less packaging. Same great taste, now with less packaging.
26:09 - 26:19
So, yeah, our house is just full of stuff like that that I'll just sort of wander around picking up and eating in replacement for having any actual meals.
26:19 - 26:28
What are the snacks for people who aren't curious? Is this like the salt and vinegar for people who just don't give a – they just don't want to learn about anything?
26:28 - 26:38
They don't want to know. For people who don't want to know, is it people who are curious about the world, intellectually curious, that they're probably learning languages like these snacks?
26:38 - 26:44
Or is it people who are curious about snacks, having these snacks? On the back, it's got all the capital cities of the world.
26:44 - 26:50
I don't know. You have to take it up with them. I never actually have interrogated this bizarre branding, but I wish I had.
26:50 - 26:56
I could get 10 minutes to stand up out of this. It's hilarious. Okay, at 10 past 11, you buy a lottery ticket.
26:56 - 27:02
Because funny. Now, what I want to know here is you've presumably got dressed. You've left the house.
27:02 - 27:10
You know, these are the nuts and bolts of this podcast, really are the cracks between these events.
27:10 - 27:15
So have you chosen an outfit? Have you chosen an outfit? Have you had a little shower?
27:15 - 27:21
I choose my outfits like I choose my food. It is just sort of whatever I see, I will wear.
27:21 - 27:33
Curious, whatever is curious. Dressed as a clown. Yeah, no, I mean, it's just there's a variety of clothes around, some of which is my girlfriend's, and I just put it on because I have to go
27:33 - 27:40
to the shop to buy some kitchen towel and a couple of bottles of mineral water.
27:40 - 27:46
So I then go to the shop, and that's where I enter the diary entry, buy a lottery ticket, because it's funny.
27:46 - 27:56
Because I thought it would be so funny to, like, get a lottery ticket and then win the lottery, but then do this podcast and not be able to talk about the fact that I'm a clown.
27:56 - 28:02
I won the lottery because it didn't happen today. It happened yesterday. Is that funny?
28:02 - 28:07
I mean, I'd love the idea if you just said, and then at 7.48, I won 32 million pounds.
28:07 - 28:12
And then we just move on with the chat, and we go, you know, what snacks did you have for dinner?
28:12 - 28:18
Yeah, just one of the pictures is Tom and Patrick Kielty, and he's just spun the wheel.
28:18 - 28:26
Let's have 10 million pounds. It did make me realize that I had also a different lottery ticket that I didn't have.
28:26 - 28:30
That I bought on the way home from a gig last week that I hadn't checked the results for.
28:30 - 28:33
So then I remembered I had that, but I had to go and look for that.
28:33 - 28:39
Yeah, that happens to me, and I sort of think, the longer I haven't checked the lottery ticket, the more chance I have of winning the lottery with that ticket.
28:39 - 28:49
It's a brilliant feeling, isn't it? It is. That is Schrodinger's cat. It does say below buying a lottery ticket, you say, I looked in the car, and I cleaned the car out a bit,
28:49 - 28:56
and I found a bottle of urine. Oh, yeah. Sorry, I didn't see that. You really have to read this whole document, because you find real gems.
28:56 - 29:01
I like that. Can you tell us about that? Well, I mean, it didn't happen yesterday, but happy to.
29:01 - 29:06
I had a gig in Guiseley. I didn't realize how far away Guiseley is. Do you know where Guiseley is?
29:06 - 29:14
No. The northeast? It's by Leeds. It's by Leeds, and I thought it was just sort of like by Watford, and I don't know how this happened.
29:14 - 29:25
It's actually when I was listening to your incredible podcast. So on the way up, you know, I was listening to Sam Campbell's day and just thought I'm not going to get to this gig on time unless I wee in a bottle, so I weeded in a bottle.
29:25 - 29:33
Same thing. Same thing with, you know, Rose Matafeo, weed a bit more in a bottle, and then Ivo Grimm, weed a bit more in a bottle, and then I just sort of didn't get to the gig and thought,
29:33 - 29:36
oh, wow, I'm going to clean this bottle out. I just thought, oh, it's a bottle.
29:36 - 29:47
I'll deal with that at some point, and sadly, I've dealt with it on a day where my day is becoming interrogated with a forensic level of detail, and now everyone just knows that I am the kind of guy that will have a bottle of piss
29:47 - 29:53
in his car for a few days. A few questions here and now. Are you driving while you do the – you're actually – so what about the risk of trucks?
29:53 - 29:56
Well, I don't give a shit about it if a truck tears my day because I don't care.
29:56 - 30:06
It's fine. Have at it, mate. Have at it, trucker. But no, basically, it's when – there was traffic, so you'd stop and, you know, I could stand up.
30:06 - 30:17
So I have peed in a bottle in my life, okay? And I know what happens, which is it's hard to pee in a regular lidded bottle.
30:17 - 30:20
So what you actually want – Not if you have an incredibly small penis, of course.
30:20 - 30:26
You'd need a pencil to go in there. None of that – you're in my car, David.
30:26 - 30:28
None of that. You went and tore it in my car. That's all I'm saying.
30:28 - 30:36
That is quite the brag, isn't it? Max, you used to present Soccer AM in the glory years.
30:36 - 30:45
I'm sure you've peed in a bottle. No, I don't know how. Because I would find the – The entire process humiliating?
30:45 - 30:52
You think you're above it as a human being? You think it's a disgusting, animalistic thing to do?
30:52 - 30:55
I just think I'd be quicker if I just pulled into, like, the hard shoulder.
30:56 - 30:59
You know, if there was nowhere to go. No, don't get me wrong. I did do that once.
30:59 - 31:05
When there was nowhere to go, I did do that once. Right. But there was traffic, man, and I was just sat in traffic, and I thought, I can't face doing all that.
31:05 - 31:13
And I'm in pain here. Like, I'm really enjoying listening to what did you do yesterday, and I want to really get stuck into Mark Watson's day.
31:13 - 31:17
And I don't want to be thinking, oh, I need to do a piss while he talks about watching Arsenal with his son.
31:17 - 31:23
And I want to be like, I want to really be engaged. I think your work is very valuable, and I don't want to be in a piss while I'm listening to it.
31:23 - 31:33
Do you know what? There's an interesting, you know, like, radio – you want people to, you know, get to their destination in a car, but not leave the car because they're loving your radio show so much.
31:33 - 31:39
And now with this podcast, what we're trying to do is make them love it so much they won't leave the car to go for a read.
31:39 - 31:45
You've succeeded. They'll just urinate in a receptacle they've found. I need to raise one more.
31:45 - 31:54
The triptych of this awful fear is trucks. We've had trucks. We've got the size of the top of the bottle.
31:54 - 32:09
But then the third is it's a quantity. Question, because no one really knows how much they we that if you have a 500 mil bottle, say there's the dreadful fear that, you know, the ominous liquid rising to the top of us.
32:09 - 32:14
And I don't think I have the skill set just be able to stop. I'm drinking out of these bowls.
32:14 - 32:18
You know, I've got a 1.5 liters is an incredible amount of urine to fill a bottle with man.
32:18 - 32:23
So it's not a concern for me. And I speak like a man that has done this, you know, over 20 times.
32:23 - 32:30
And that probably is the case. I maybe I'm too comfortable doing it. Because like crane drivers famously we in bottles because they're up a crane.
32:30 - 32:37
But that seems legitimate. You're saying just like not wanting to go to a service station is not a legitimate reason.
32:37 - 32:40
I get it. We're fine. But I mean, a lot of this didn't happen yesterday.
32:40 - 32:46
I'd love to get back on the day because let's not talk about anything. Let's talk about all the humiliating stuff that happened yesterday, if you wouldn't mind.
32:46 - 32:56
I was once in a sketch show and I was in the first sketch. And then I had to kneel behind a cardboard partition.
32:56 - 33:02
The middle of the stage for 45 minutes. And then I would return and be in the last sketch.
33:02 - 33:08
And I needed to wee. And the more I told myself that I didn't need to wee, the more I needed to wee.
33:08 - 33:14
And there was no way of accessing the wings or the back of the stage from behind this cardboard partition.
33:14 - 33:21
But there was a one liter bottle, full bottle of water there. So I had to down it.
33:21 - 33:29
Yep. And then wee back into it with this fear of. Sort of eternal circularity.
33:29 - 33:40
And boy, would the show, which wasn't that funny, have got the biggest laugh of the evening if the cardboard partition had collapsed and there was just a man kneeling behind it,
33:40 - 33:48
trying to pee into a volvic bottle. So what happens next, Tom? I mean, I know, but like.
33:48 - 33:52
I have a call with my agent. My agent brings me up to discuss a new podcast opportunity.
33:52 - 34:00
What did you do tomorrow? Good. That's a joke. I've written a joke. He says, talk to you about this this afternoon.
34:00 - 34:03
That would have been really funny if I'd thrown that away. But no, I've just, I've told you that I prepared that.
34:03 - 34:08
So not funny at all. And then I had an idea for the introduction of this podcast.
34:08 - 34:16
Well, I basically, my day, I saw an interview with Jeff Bezos that says that he starts his day with what he calls a putter, right?
34:16 - 34:24
Which is basically him just walking around his house for like half an hour, just like not thinking about anything particular, but just trying to let ideas percolate.
34:24 - 34:29
And I think what I'm doing with. My entire day, my day is just 24, seven putter.
34:29 - 34:36
Basically, I'm trying to bring the energy that Jeff Bezos has in the first half an hour of his life to my entire day.
34:36 - 34:38
So I could talk about that for a bit. And now I have done that successful.
34:38 - 34:48
Bezos is coming on now in the next few weeks, you'll get Luke McQueen. The hit list at the moment is Luke McQueen because he's been referenced so many times on it and Bezos.
34:48 - 34:53
And then I text Rose, happy birthday. You've enclosed the GIF that you sent her.
34:53 - 34:59
Take us to Twitch is a birthday. They cake with stars around and happy birthday.
34:59 - 35:06
Interesting decision that to go with a meme or a GIF of a happy birthday, as opposed to just saying happy birthday.
35:06 - 35:10
But when I sent her a GIF, I just put in happy birthday into the GIFs and sent her the first one that came up.
35:10 - 35:18
It's really nice to get like a GIF that's been like really thought about. And when I say GIF, what I meant is GIF, but I don't do that at all.
35:18 - 35:20
In the same way that I just don't expect you to do that for me.
35:20 - 35:24
Like if someone goes, oh, I put all the photos together of us together and put them onto a pillow.
35:24 - 35:33
I'm just like, oh, fine, whatever. I don't care. But I just don't. I'm very close with Rose, but we talk to each other maybe 10 times a year and then we'll have a really long conversation about how we are.
35:33 - 35:43
But I just not, I can't really care for people to the level that human beings seem to expect their friends to do so, which is a worry being a parent, for sure.
35:43 - 35:56
Your GIF selection reminds me of, say, when you're eight and you're going to someone's birthday party and you just go into the newsagent and you get them, you know, a picture of John Warren.
35:56 - 36:02
A fork from an unspecified Ipswich match in the 80s scoring a goal and it just says, happy birthday above it.
36:02 - 36:14
Yeah, 100%. Now, I will probably send all of my closest friends a happy birthday GIF and they will alternate, but only by what is the most popular GIF according to WhatsApp at that point.
36:14 - 36:19
It's not like me going, oh, John Pointing would really like this. No, it's just standard happy birthday.
36:19 - 36:24
I don't know, man. What can I say? I'm trying to care for a new screaming baby in my house.
36:24 - 36:28
I don't have time to think about what GIF rows want No, I think it's totally acceptable.
36:28 - 36:36
Right, then you set up a game of virtual golf with the comedian Mark Smith.
36:36 - 36:42
So that's good. Okay. Oh, yeah, and I found my lottery ticket, right? I got five entries to the EuroMillions lottery.
36:42 - 36:52
I got zero numbers and zero bonus numbers for all five entries. The odds of doing this, I calculated, are less than 1%.
36:52 - 36:58
That is a spectacularly bad lottery ticket. It's Brexit, man. That's what happens. You all voted for it.
36:58 - 37:03
You asked for it. This is what happens. Yeah, I've really won the EuroMillions wooden spoon.
37:03 - 37:07
Gigi says she's going to have a shower and to listen out for the baby.
37:07 - 37:14
Baby immediately starts crying. Oh, mate. Well, listen, my baby Simi's not had the best day yesterday.
37:14 - 37:18
She was crying more than usual. Oh, dear. We thought maybe her stomach was a bit off.
37:18 - 37:24
So we started debating a change of formula. Maybe there's some goat's milk formula that's supposed to be better for them.
37:24 - 37:29
I don't really know. Obviously, when your baby's crying, you're sort of desperately Googling anything that it can be.
37:29 - 37:38
We actually rang the GP for the first time, and we were like, basically, Simi, I know it's not yesterday, but she hasn't done a poo for now like two and a half days,
37:38 - 37:45
and that's the longest she's ever gone. And we're thinking, this isn't good. So we ring the GP, and the GP says, oh, you might be able to get in if you ring us back at two, right?
37:45 - 37:52
Right. So I used the intermediary time to just sort of actually attempt to do a little bit of work and also watch some YouTube.
37:52 - 37:58
That's my sort of guilty time filler. She's just a lot better at accommodating the crying baby than I am.
37:58 - 38:06
So I sit down and watch a YouTube video. It was Andrew Schultz who's promoting his new Netflix special with a little sketch with Matt Damon.
38:06 - 38:14
That came up. I watched that for three minutes. And then I watched a YouTube video about the tactical future of Arsenal by an incredible YouTube creator called The Different Knock.
38:14 - 38:20
And then I go on Twitter and I watch the video of Danny Dyer calling David Cameron a sort of Muppet for Brexit.
38:20 - 38:24
Remember that? Yeah, that's a while ago. He called him like a twat or something and said he was in Europe with his trotters up.
38:24 - 38:29
I thought, that's really funny. And then I watch the video of Danny Dyer calling David Cameron And then I eat some ready salted crisps, which I found in my car next to the urine.
38:29 - 38:40
And then I do some invoices. And then I read a tweet by this guy, Nabil Ravikant, about his parenting style.
38:40 - 38:49
Do you know this guy, this investor guy? It's very interesting. He basically says he's let his kids do whatever they want, apart from they have to do two hours of reading a day and one day of coding.
38:49 - 38:55
How old are his kids? Please tell them they're four and two. No, I think they are.
38:55 - 38:59
I think they are. Oh, yeah. Okay. So then I did some invoices, sent some invoices to my accountant.
38:59 - 39:04
And then I was with Simi at literally like 1.59 p.m., the minute before we're going to win the GP.
39:04 - 39:11
And she rolled herself to her side and did a really satisfying fart. And she's been having some sort of gastro issues.
39:11 - 39:14
And this was actually the biggest moment in the day, really, because then she's actually happier.
39:14 - 39:20
She's not crying. She's better at farting herself than I am, really. And so she's basically, she's happy.
39:20 - 39:24
And then she starts hiccuping. And then you can see, yeah, there's a really nice photo of playtime.
39:24 - 39:33
I'm intrigued by this now, Tom, because I don't have any children that I know of, but I have 18 bikes and they tend not to break wind.
39:33 - 39:42
But tell me the feelings you feel when your newborn farts, like presumably even the aroma of it brings you joy, pride.
39:42 - 39:47
How are you feeling? The opposite, man. Whenever I change a nappy, I still retch.
39:47 - 39:54
Like I can't, it's disgusting. I can't. Yeah, I know. Gigi seems to think that it smells like all right or kind of nice.
39:54 - 40:04
She doesn't have, but I have this horrible gag reflex I mean, I am really happy when she farts in this occasion because even I know that she's been having sort of issues with this and you can see the relief on her face.
40:04 - 40:10
So it's just, you know, there's this completely innocent creature that is making faces at you, which is the only way she can communicate with you apart.
40:10 - 40:16
That and obviously screaming in your face. And I'm sort of desperately trying to do anything I can to accommodate her wishes.
40:16 - 40:24
And this fart was just, it was almost, I'm actually happy to say and nail my colour to the mask, this was the most profound fart I've ever witnessed.
40:24 - 40:35
Yeah, wow. Joyful and meaningful. And it felt like she had really achieved something because she had moved herself to the side, which after 17 days, you know, they can't really move themselves that well.
40:35 - 40:38
So she had worked out that she got to go on her side and do a fart.
40:38 - 40:45
And yeah, it was emotional. And she grabbed her duvet and pulled the top over your head and held you down.
40:45 - 40:51
It's a funny thing because she'll be on the way to developing her own brand.
40:51 - 41:02
And it does make me think of primary school where, you know, you're so close to these, 28, in my case, boys, that if someone farted, there'd be no, who's that?
41:02 - 41:08
It's just, you would know from the sound or aroma, that's Scott Goodwin or whoever that's.
41:08 - 41:12
Well, yeah, to be honest, I don't know about this, Max. I've never smelt her farts.
41:12 - 41:18
There's not enough. There's not enough force behind them. She's just doing little like, obviously I smell her poos and stuff.
41:18 - 41:23
Yeah, I think I'd probably hold my nose for all poos. Like, not like a sort of cartoon.
41:23 - 41:28
It's a natural instinct. I just, I shove them in my face and start sort of licking them.
41:28 - 41:36
Well, I think what's interesting between baby one and baby two is baby one, if they're asleep, you basically wake them up to check they're still alive.
41:36 - 41:41
Baby two, you just sort of leave them in the corner. Like the difference in terms of should we call a doctor?
41:41 - 41:51
His face is a bit red. What's happened there? You're just like, they're fine. And so that's quite interesting because I think three years ago, if you'd asked me, I'd be having these kind of, oh my God,
41:51 - 41:56
they haven't passed a solid stool in, you know, eight minutes. Do you know what?
41:56 - 42:01
The first child, Ian, for about a week, because they said, you know, weeing and pooing really matters.
42:01 - 42:06
I was like noting, I was like had a little like pencil and a pad by the change table.
42:06 - 42:09
Don't get me wrong. I've got a PDF. I'll send you that one as well.
42:09 - 42:13
I bet you do. But like, you know, I was doing like, you know, prison days, like every number of wees.
42:13 - 42:18
Now, what am I doing that for? Like, it's just like, oh yeah, when he's done a poo, whatever.
42:18 - 42:33
Like, it's just, it's totally different. I would say, Max, you never, even in the Ian Rushden era, and we continue to the next slide now, when Simi did a poo, which happens at 3.15,
42:33 - 42:39
so we are happy about that. There's a photo of it, which is quite confronting there.
42:39 - 42:48
And then a beautiful picture of the family and dog outside. Real pride, I think.
42:48 - 42:53
Maybe a bit of relief as well, that this beautiful poo. And it is beautiful.
42:56 - 43:04
Oh, my God. Yeah. I'm happy to put that on Instagram, man. It wasn't as solid as we'd hoped, but, yeah, it's a nice color.
43:04 - 43:09
They talk a lot about the colors of the poos. There was actually a color chart up in the hospital where you've got to sort of track.
43:09 - 43:15
And Simi, she's right on track with the hue of her shit. So we were very happy with that.
43:15 - 43:23
But we were still going to take her to the doctor, which was slightly annoying to me because I was really looking forward to talking about something which I've managed to get into my day,
43:23 - 43:31
which I basically have a window of time to walk the dog but I've managed to sort of combine that with my other obsession right now, which is golf.
43:31 - 43:40
So we live right next to a golf course. So I basically have been managing to get on the golf course and kind of secretly play a hole or two whilst walking the dog.
43:40 - 43:43
But there wasn't going to be enough time to do that this time because of the GP.
43:43 - 43:57
So I took Kiki for a walk, as you can see, about 4.04 p.m. and kind of did maybe a few chips on a fairway but mainly just let Kiki sort of run around and then, yes, got an email about my Edinburgh blurb.
43:57 - 44:01
Are you going to Edinburgh this year, David? Yeah, I haven't thought about a title or a blurb yet, though.
44:01 - 44:08
Yeah, I got the initial think about that email. Sorry, just to open this up to people who don't.
44:08 - 44:12
That is just you need like a paragraph saying what your show's about. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yes.
44:12 - 44:25
They want a photograph and they want a 20-word description of it, a 40-word description of it, and sometimes a 100-word description of it, which is always difficult when you haven't written the show yet.
44:25 - 44:35
Hence, my shows are all called things like we are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at David O'Doherty or whatever, something that doesn't necessarily give you much,
44:35 - 44:44
so I can go in any direction afterwards. Sorry, just to go back to the golf, not many golf courses allow you to bring a dog and just hit a wedge.
44:44 - 44:54
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's a sort of public course that is like incredibly close to my house, so close that I can't tell you what it is because I'd be scared of people sort of just basically coming around.
44:54 - 45:07
And, yeah. People do walk their dogs on it. It's got like public paths. So far I've seen no one else walking a dog and also just like going onto a fairway and trying to, you know, hit a pitching wedge.
45:07 - 45:11
But I've adapted my day to do that, and I'm yet to get told off for it.
45:11 - 45:17
I am also a member of the club. I feel like I have a right to do that, but I don't think I technically do.
45:17 - 45:23
You haven't booked a tee time. You haven't said, I'm going to play the seventh hole at 3.18 p.m.
45:23 - 45:33
And my dog will piss on the green. Yeah, no, it's not as much. Has the previous picture not, I mean, that was about constipation.
45:33 - 45:41
So you nonetheless travel to the GP. We see a beautiful picture of what I would call a classic waiting room with blue chairs there.
45:41 - 45:48
Are you disappointed in a way that the shit has come? It's very much like Max says.
45:48 - 45:50
I mean, this is our first sort of rush to the GP and in a kind of panic.
45:50 - 45:56
But we sort of turn up to the GP and went, our baby hasn't pooed in two days, but actually she's just done two poos.
45:56 - 46:02
And the GP was like, okay, fine. So the GP sort of like weighed her and said, yeah, she just looks like a healthy human baby.
46:02 - 46:10
But they do say she's a newborn. So definitely come in if you're worried about anything, even the thing that you're worried about immediately, there was nothing to worry about.
46:10 - 46:17
So it was good. Simi is healthy and happy and sort of nothing of note happened to the doctor apart from, yeah, doctor said she good.
46:17 - 46:22
As you can see the note. Do you get the deworming medication there? Re 6.02 PM.
46:22 - 46:32
Oh, sorry. No, that's for Kiki. That's my doctor. This is a perennial issue. No, my dog and my daughter's names do rhyme.
46:32 - 46:38
Kiki and Simi and also my girlfriend's name. They all rhyme basically. You're not the first person to call Simi Kiki or Kiki Simi.
46:38 - 46:42
We have all done that a few times. Yeah. No, my baby doesn't need deworming.
46:42 - 46:54
My dog does apparently. So I've mushed that up into her dinner and fed that to her whilst eating my own dinner, which is Thai takeaway from two days ago and a kombucha.
46:54 - 46:58
So I've sat down to watch. There's a show called Hacks, which is all about a comedian.
46:58 - 47:00
It's very inspiring, actually. Have you come across it? No, I haven't seen that one.
47:00 - 47:11
Have you seen that one, Max? No. It's really, really good. It's really good. And I found it very inspiring to work on my own comedy as well as enjoying fine sort of sitcom drama.
47:11 - 47:22
And then I ate some more food whilst watching that sort of, I guess, slightly play into my stereotype of eating weird shit, which was some crackers, a Spanish.
47:22 - 47:29
Oh, yeah. Do you want to read it out? Cantabrian. And anchovies. We've got Spanish spinach tortilla.
47:29 - 47:34
A lot of packets here. Do you ever buy an old carrot? You know what I mean?
47:34 - 47:39
Max doesn't. Max, my colleague, waits for it to be delivered by a man on a motorbike.
47:39 - 47:45
And then there's a specific line on the carrot to show you where to cut it in half.
47:45 - 47:54
I'll tell you this for nothing. Delivery meals. Yep. I literally bought a carrot and ate it about an hour ago, two hours ago.
47:54 - 48:02
So. Anyway, sorry. Excuse this domestic we're having about how the food I eat, which has really got David riled in the past few weeks.
48:02 - 48:11
Yes. The question I believe was everything's in a packet. And what we know from this episode and the Rhys James episode is you're quite a packet-y food eater.
48:11 - 48:18
Yeah, sorry. I don't know. I don't apologize. It's just really hard to eat Cantabrian anchovies if they're not in a packet.
48:18 - 48:25
You don't really get them in that, I don't know. I don't know how else I could.
48:25 - 48:29
Consume them without going to Cantabria. What is Cantabria? I don't know what that is, to be fair.
48:29 - 48:33
What is Cantabria? It's probably a bit of Spain, isn't it? It's a bit of Spain, I'm guessing.
48:33 - 48:42
Yeah, Cantabria, yeah. Autonomous community of Spain. So you do have a reputation for these curious meals, such as the large quantity of pineapple.
48:42 - 48:49
Does it mean less pineapple in the day than I would have suspected? I sort of expected a sort of SpongeBob type situation where you lived in one.
48:49 - 48:56
Okay. Honestly, the fantasy with this podcast would be that I plan my entire day to be really, really funny on the basis of this podcast.
48:56 - 49:04
So I actually had an idea that I would just spend the entire day listening to other episodes of this podcast, which would have been very fun.
49:04 - 49:08
And then all I would have to do is talk about those episodes, which I have a sort of deep sense are better than mine.
49:08 - 49:20
And then I thought every time I'd just have some pineapple and then I'd be getting progressively sicker because I've had so much pineapple and my stomach starts to just rot and I have to go to the doctor perhaps because I'm poisoned with pineapples.
49:20 - 49:25
But actually what happened was I woke up and I had a baby and I was on the back foot the entire day and I couldn't plan.
49:25 - 49:31
Anything funny or witty. I was just like, oh no, this thing won't shit. Why won't this thing shit?
49:31 - 49:35
And then basically, oh, it's suddenly the end of the day. And I go, oh, fuck it.
49:35 - 49:39
I'll send them a PDF to try and be funny about that. So I hope, you know, my contribution is sufficient.
49:39 - 49:47
You've thought about this podcast completely the wrong way. This is going to be the greatest ever Tom Rosenthal episode of What Did You Do Yesterday?
49:47 - 49:54
I appreciate that. Thanks, man. Hang on. If we don't book the other Tom Rosenthal that I know who is.
49:54 - 49:59
I wish you should. He's a very. He's a very talented musician. He is a lovely guy.
49:59 - 50:06
He did a really good song about hummus. Did we get the wrong one? Not a packet in sight with that guy.
50:06 - 50:15
Not a packet in sight. Yeah, I would say also like this sort of like having to track everything that I'm doing made me really tired.
50:15 - 50:20
Like I was exhausted by the fact that I had to feel like I was having to talk about this stuff.
50:20 - 50:25
But you didn't have to like track it as much as you've tracked. No one else has sent like a picture of.
50:25 - 50:33
Of their children's feces. If you get me involved in anything, I will overthink it to the point that I destroy it.
50:33 - 50:40
Okay. That's just, I'm sorry. That's how I contribute to everything. We would have taken a lot of trust that you were like, and she really filled that nappy.
50:40 - 50:46
You know, there was nothing. My brain can do the rest. We're not going to line under this yet.
50:46 - 50:55
Do you have this meal of the packets? Just several packets. You pop them all in a Magi mix together and just eat those microplastics.
50:55 - 51:04
And then, so you watch two episodes of hacks. And so we are now, according to the PDF, up to about quarter to eight.
51:04 - 51:10
And it says four and a half pull-ups. So you tried to do a workout then, do you?
51:10 - 51:19
It's not so much an attempt to do a workout. I have a pull-up bar in my bedroom because I have a scoliosis in my sort of lower back.
51:19 - 51:30
And I have learned over the years through an incredible place called SOS, scoliosis, that the best way to sort of fight the daily pain that I was in is to get kind of ripped.
51:30 - 51:35
So I do as many pull-ups every day as I can, or just sort of hang from a bar.
51:35 - 51:39
It kind of elongates your spine. And I used to have really bad back and neck pain.
51:39 - 51:45
And now I sort of don't. So it's not really a workout. It's much more of a sort of body maintenance thing.
51:45 - 51:55
Like a bat. Yes, exactly like a bat, just an upside-down bat. Just so I don't spend all my waking hours complaining about my bad back, which women who've just had a baby,
51:55 - 52:01
had a C-section, don't really love listening to men go, oh, my back. But my back hurts quite a lot.
52:01 - 52:08
Let me tell you something. They also don't enjoy someone going, yes, but I have to do two podcasts this evening.
52:08 - 52:21
Why does it say magnesium citrate? What is that now? Well, basically, I bash out my four and a half pull-ups, and then I take a magnesium citrate supplement.
52:21 - 52:34
Again, what I was hoping to do on this podcast was talk about the litany of supplements that I sometimes take in a sort of like, I'd love to be like a sort of podcast bro talking about all of my different nootropics that I take to enhance my life.
52:34 - 52:42
But actually, I just, I didn't take any of those. So we've magnesium citrated, and then two words, mouth tape.
52:42 - 52:50
Have you kidnapped someone? No, no, no. The mouth tape is for myself. It is something that I learned from Erling Haaland.
52:50 - 52:55
Oh, yeah. Yeah, I mean, he types his mouth when he sleeps, which promotes nose breathing, which apparently...
52:55 - 52:59
makes your sleep better. And I have noticed an improvement in my sleep since doing it.
52:59 - 53:04
I'm yet to become the top scorer in the Premier League. Who knows? Who knows what's next?
53:04 - 53:08
Yeah, I don't think that would work with me. I broke my nose three times.
53:08 - 53:12
Oh, is the dog okay? The dog is yapping a lot, isn't it? I'm sorry.
53:12 - 53:22
It's those worms. It's those worms being killed inside. So I broke my nose, managed to break my nose three times before the age of 12.
53:22 - 53:34
Once ran into a guy in a rugby match. Once ran into someone playing British Bulldogs, one of your playground games.
53:34 - 53:48
And once Ian Walsh's dog jumped up on my shoulders and nutted me. Crikey. So consequently, I have a deviated septum, which is just a narrowing on one side of my schnoz,
53:48 - 53:58
which means that I don't think I could do this mouth tape thing. Well, it's funny you mention that because I also have no idea which is not a joke.
53:58 - 54:04
I am not being humorous when I say this. Do you remember that thing that Robbie Fowler used to put across his nose in the 90s?
54:04 - 54:13
Yeah, I remember it. So essentially, when I'm... Well, I'll tell you, the full gamut of things at night is I have some yellow glasses which remove blue light, okay?
54:13 - 54:17
So they promote sleep again to aid your circadian rhythm. I have sort of nose tape...
54:17 - 54:25
You're like Penfold, Robbie Fowler and Zippy. Yeah, man, you've got to get a good night's sleep in, yeah?
54:25 - 54:31
That's why my baby won't go to sleep. She's so scared of me. Tom, presumably the...
54:31 - 54:36
So the glasses go on from when? 6 p.m.? Are we trying to... Again, this is the dream what did I do yesterday?
54:36 - 54:38
If I don't have a child, I'm doing all this stuff. Oh, yeah, yeah, okay.
54:38 - 54:44
And I'm talking about all my wacky life hacks, my biohacks that I've got to optimise me as a human being.
54:44 - 54:48
But none of that stuff happened yesterday because I was just cleaning out bottles of pitch from my car.
54:48 - 54:51
Yeah. It's really sad, but this is going to be my contribution to your entire oeuvre.
54:51 - 54:58
So what I love about this, Max, is you know the guy that you're obsessed with, the tech bro who's trying to live forever.
54:58 - 55:12
Yeah, Brian Johnson. Measures his son's boners and stuff. Well, I would love if the actual dirty reality of his life is him just pulling lottery tickets and piss out of his car.
55:12 - 55:22
It has to be. It has to be. I think the first few episodes of this podcast, that's what everyone's trying to say the day that they wish everyone thought that they had.
55:22 - 55:27
But no, no one has that day, man. We've all got, you know, some bottles of piss in our car.
55:27 - 55:32
Yeah, a lot of them are metaphorical. Sure. Some of them are literal. But that's what's so brilliant.
55:32 - 55:38
It's such an honour to be on this podcast because truly you are finding all the muck that people carry about.
55:38 - 55:43
So hang on. I've got so many questions. The yellow glass is what you're meant to put on early in the evening.
55:43 - 55:47
Yeah. To sort of attune your eyes to sleep. You don't wear them at night, right?
55:47 - 55:50
You don't wear them because it's dark, right? No, you're not supposed to wear them at night.
55:50 - 55:57
You're supposed to basically take them off as you go to sleep. Yeah, yeah. As the sun goes down, you want to own and you really have, you know, natural sources of,
55:57 - 56:00
sorry, not natural sources of light. You're trying to remove the blue light from your eyes.
56:00 - 56:07
Yeah, so you should be. Right, okay. So the iridescent bulbs are quite, you know, there are certain light bulbs which basically do this naturally, so it's kind of not so bad.
56:07 - 56:11
But yeah, that's what I tend to do. The nose tape, I kind of understand.
56:11 - 56:17
The mouth tape, like, how sticky is it? You've got like quite a prominent moustache and goatee going on.
56:17 - 56:21
Oh no, it's really sticky. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So basically you do just get bits of tape in your moustache.
56:21 - 56:25
Yeah, it's nasty. You also see, you see I've got a blue tongue. I've got a blue tongue.
56:25 - 56:31
Yeah, what's that about? The blue tongue is called methylene blue. It's the thing that you're supposed to take, which basically activates your mitochondria.
56:31 - 56:34
It's supposed to make you think better as well. So I took that before this podcast.
56:34 - 56:41
But again, that was today and not yesterday. If you're in, I suppose you and Mrs. Rosenthal are in separate rooms and you have the baby.
56:41 - 56:48
I'm just trying to think, have I taped my mouth tonight? So every time, if you take it off, can you put it back on again?
56:48 - 56:52
Or is it like just one? No, no, no. Best thing we'll use. Again, I'd like to be furious about the planet.
56:52 - 56:57
Furious. What if you need to take it off to say, look, I, you know.
56:57 - 57:00
Oh, yeah, you'll be all right. Yeah, you get away with that sort of a little thing.
57:00 - 57:04
Or just you open a side of it and you just talk like Popeye. You just go.
57:04 - 57:10
It sounds to me like you're desperate to give mouth tape a go. Yeah, it does.
57:10 - 57:15
I'm happy to send you some. In the past, when I've not had mouth tape, I have used just a plaster.
57:15 - 57:19
You know, that also works. Oh, God. But surely you just want to open your mouth.
57:19 - 57:22
What if you want a glass of water, like a sip of water? Not really.
57:22 - 57:30
I mean, I understand that you're a professional podcaster and you can't hack the idea that you're not saying something 24-7, but I actually quite like being quite quiet.
57:30 - 57:36
It's true. Even Max's sleep talk, he has the mics all set up in the room.
57:36 - 57:44
Someone will put them out. And it's good, is it? It's good, the tape. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
57:44 - 57:48
It's good. It just makes you sleep better. Again, David might struggle a little bit with his nose, but I'd recommend two dips of tape and you'll be fine.
57:48 - 57:55
Are you talking about my massive nose there or my massive mouth? It would be quite the hypocrisy for me to lay into anyone else's nose.
57:55 - 58:04
I'm trying to promote your sleep, David. I need you to optimised because I love this podcast and I want you to be on top form for the rest of the episodes.
58:04 - 58:14
So the final entry in the PDF is 738. Yeah, I don't know how much hate I'm going to get for this because basically that's my sleep now.
58:14 - 58:24
Yeah, I'm asleep. Brilliant. I do my four pull ups. I have a little magnesium, pop the tape on and then I just sleep and then I obviously wake up the next day in the middle of the night to try and tend to some,
58:24 - 58:30
you know, we don't care about that tiny thing. No, that's not our business. Basic human things.
58:30 - 58:36
But yeah, what's your observation on my day? I mean, my colleague, I think, could give a better summary of it.
58:36 - 58:45
But I feel you are as everyone would be in the aftermath of a beautiful event like a child arriving on the scene.
58:45 - 58:51
You're doing your best to get through the day. Intriguingly, you also got in some wedging.
58:52 - 59:00
Watching a... No, I want the dog. I want the dog. Yeah, and what is the future of Arsenal's midfield?
59:00 - 59:10
You got that in as well. So it's not all... Sometimes I feel my colleague's life is he spends four hours in a soft play and someone takes a shit down a slide or whatever.
59:10 - 59:22
Whereas yours has elements of that, but then also these incredibly specific joy... He's trying to work on his wedge play 17 days after the birth.
59:22 - 59:28
I think normally we do the debrief where the guest is gone, but I'm happy to do it now when you're here.
59:28 - 59:35
I think you're behaving exactly as a new parent for the first time behaves just with piss in a car and mouth tape.
59:35 - 59:39
That's what I would say. The sort of constant fear about is this thing all right?
59:39 - 59:50
And also, I don't know about you, it took me a long time. Newborns I think are really hard to relate to, but because society has said this is the most precious thing in your world,
59:50 - 1:00:01
and in a way it is, but at the same time you're sort of coming to terms with A, what you've done to your life, which is completely ruin it, but also not ruin it,
1:00:01 - 1:00:11
but both are true, right? It's the best and worst thing you will do. You've just got so many things that you're thinking about that I think it's all legitimate, those sort of fears that you're having.
1:00:11 - 1:00:14
But at the same time you're like, I don't know what to do with this thing.
1:00:14 - 1:00:20
And also they don't smile for, once they smile you're like, okay, I get this now, I get it.
1:00:20 - 1:00:27
I think, I mean, I, to an extent, I'm glad that I have been in this situation whilst doing this podcast.
1:00:27 - 1:00:34
Because I think if I hadn't had a child and I just had 24 seven to my own devices, you might've found out how weird I actually am.
1:00:34 - 1:00:36
At least when I have a child. I think we've got an air of it.
1:00:36 - 1:00:46
I think it's just like, it's slipped through the cracks. But yeah, I'm very, very grateful for the opportunity and a massive fan of this entire- Can I just say- Thank you very much.
1:00:46 - 1:00:56
Yes, please, please. It's the first time I've ever been moved by a fart, by the tail of a fart, because it does seem like such a landmark passing of wind.
1:00:56 - 1:01:00
No, I'm glad. If that is my only contribution to this entire thing, we didn't get that.
1:01:00 - 1:01:07
Celia A.B., in the middle of Celia A.B.'s day, she wasn't like, and then I was on the common and I let an absolute ripper.
1:01:07 - 1:01:15
This is it. This is the absolute magic of being a parent to a newborn is that these tiny little things, I mean, I see you guys smile all the time.
1:01:15 - 1:01:20
I don't give a shit. But if I see a tiny little flicker of a smile on my child, I'm just like, wow, a smile.
1:01:20 - 1:01:33
That's amazing. Everything she does is just incredible. Every little micro movement. Yeah, I really am sort of counting the blessings and very grateful for this entire experience, even though if a lot of the time I don't really feel like I know what to do.
1:01:33 - 1:01:42
One final question from me, which is, so you committed early doors to this PDF and from the amount of text on it, I'm not going to do a word count,
1:01:42 - 1:01:49
but there's certainly 400 words in the whole thing. Numerous pictures. It must've taken a lot of effort.
1:01:49 - 1:01:55
Did you regret the decision? The decision to try and journal the whole day? No, complete opposite.
1:01:55 - 1:02:01
Like my regret is I didn't journal enough. It's helped me to explain to you what has happened.
1:02:01 - 1:02:05
And it's only this morning that I thought I'm going to send you this PDF because I genuinely just don't remember things.
1:02:05 - 1:02:12
I mean, I'm very close friends with Ivo Graham, who will remember things from 18 years ago with such a high resolution.
1:02:12 - 1:02:16
And I genuinely can't tell you what happened yesterday without some kind of technological help.
1:02:16 - 1:02:21
So, I mean, I'm sorry if it's been a little bit of a sort of a barrier between you and me.
1:02:21 - 1:02:27
But it's really helped me to give you what happened yesterday to the level that I expected myself.
1:02:27 - 1:02:33
Not necessarily recommending anyone else does it for their episode, but I would gladly put it on the internet.
1:02:33 - 1:02:45
I also like, Tom, how, you know, in 30 years time, when you misremember this wonderful period of your life as being, oh, and then she arrived.
1:02:45 - 1:02:51
And then I remember the day she learned to speak or whatever. There will always be this.
1:02:51 - 1:02:58
There will always be this mixture of horror, piss in a bottle in the car, the first fart, et cetera.
1:02:58 - 1:03:05
Baby's first fart, you know? I'd much rather remember the emotional fart than the bottle of piss in the car.
1:03:05 - 1:03:14
I already regret talking to such a length about the bottle of piss in the car because no daughter wants to grow up thinking my father was that guy.
1:03:14 - 1:03:20
They would just talk about pissing in cars so much. I've done it 20 times. That's way too much.
1:03:20 - 1:03:25
How am I ever going to respect this man? She might be listening to this in 50 years going, oh my God, of course I'm fucked up.
1:03:25 - 1:03:28
Of course I've got to go to therapy. My father couldn't even go to a service station.
1:03:28 - 1:03:35
But, no, apart from that horrible little window into my life, I'm so grateful for this opportunity.
1:03:35 - 1:03:39
Thank you very much. It's great to chat to you guys. All the very best for the future of yesterdays.
1:03:39 - 1:03:54
Thanks for coming on the podcast, Tom Rosenthal. Thank you, Tom. So, David, there it was.
1:03:54 - 1:04:03
And thanks especially to the listeners who've listened while looking at the PDF. I think it works without the PDF, but I loved that episode.
1:04:03 - 1:04:15
Max, I hope it doesn't have an effect on future guests. Imagine if that was the one episode that future potential guests listen to and they think they have to do hours and hours of work in order to, you don't.
1:04:15 - 1:04:23
You just have to come to us with your life and if you can have a moment as beautiful as you can have a moment as beautiful as your baby, and we're calling it baby's first fart.
1:04:23 - 1:04:31
It's probably not, but that's a nice moment. There isn't a tea towel with baby's first fart on it.
1:04:31 - 1:04:35
You know, with all the things that they give to babies. That should be our merch, shouldn't it?
1:04:35 - 1:04:38
It should be in our merch. But anyway, Tom did it exactly how Tom does it.
1:04:38 - 1:04:45
He came on Soccer AM in the glory years and we had this feature called Comedian Cupboards and most comedians, you know, like Ramesh did it.
1:04:45 - 1:04:50
Like it was like that sort of era when he was up and coming. They just wandered out of the cupboard and did some gags.
1:04:50 - 1:04:57
He literally had bar charts and flip charts. This is just like, if you're going to do it, do it properly.
1:04:57 - 1:05:05
Yeah, he's taken that energy to what did you do yesterday. And yeah, I mean, that is really what he did yesterday.
1:05:05 - 1:05:12
I'm not trying to say here that other guests have been trying to ham it up or whatever, but no other guest has gone to that much effort.
1:05:12 - 1:05:17
Thank you very much, Tom Rosenthal. And thanks for being honest about finding a bottle of piss in a car.
1:05:17 - 1:05:26
If you want to get in touch, if you've ever pissed in a car. I think more than 20.
1:05:26 - 1:05:35
If you're above, you know, on the Rosenthal scale, if you're tipping the top end of the Rosenthal scale for pissing in bottles in cars, get in touch.
1:05:35 - 1:05:42
And here's how. To get in touch with the show, you can email us at whatdidyoudoyesterdaypod at gmail.com.
1:05:42 - 1:05:50
Follow us on Instagram at yesterdaypod. And please subscribe and leave a review if you liked it on your preferred podcast platform.
1:05:51 - 1:05:58
And if you didn't, please don't. Thank you, David. Oh, thanks, Max. I really enjoyed that one. I did. We'll do it again. Why not? Bye.