S2 EP13: Rob Beckett

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Podcasts, there are millions of them. Some might say too many. I have one already.

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I don't have any, because there are enough. Politics, business, sport, you name it, there's a podcast about it, and they all ask the big questions and cover the hot topics of the day.

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But nobody is covering the most important topic of all. Why is that? Are they scared?

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Too afraid of being censored by the man? Possibly, but not us. We're here to ask the only question that matters.

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We try and say it at the same time, Max. What did you do yesterday?

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What did you do yesterday? That's it. All we're interested in is what the guests got up to yesterday.

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Nothing more. Day before yesterday, Max? Nope. The greatest and most interesting day of your life?

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Unless it was yesterday, we don't want to know about it. I'm Max Rushden. And I'm David O'Doherty.

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Welcome to What Did You Do Yesterday? Hello and welcome to episode, we don't know.

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We're still in series two and it's Rob Beckett today, David. Welcome, David. Hello. You've never known what episode it is and yet you begin every episode by announcing what episode it is or saying you don't know what episode it is.

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Are you suggesting I should just, I don't need to refer to the fact, because it says it on the little pod app.

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It says season two episode, so I don't need to say it. Email us if you know what episode this is.

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Yeah, or if you care. I don't think people care. So yeah, Rob Beckett coming up.

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Can't wait to speak. We're just about to speak to him, David, aren't we? You did Parenting Hell.

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Yeah. I feel there's a sort of contra podcast vibe to this, where you went on that and talked about what a nightmare it was bringing children on long haul flights.

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Yeah, yeah. And now he's going to come on ours and I don't know, what's he going to talk about?

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Well, look. For the tape, we have just done it and it's a really good day.

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I'd say it's the busiest day we've had so far. Can I also say that it's now 10.15pm in my shed in Australia and I think I left the door open of the shed for a bit of the day.

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There are so many tiny insects just crawling around the big light that lights me up.

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But I didn't refer to them during the episode because it wasn't relevant. Rob knows what he's doing, doesn't he?

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He's done everything. He's doing a world tour. He's on everything. He's on every TV show.

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He's not on every TV show. He's not on everyone. Okay, no, you're right. He didn't do Going for Gold and he wasn't ever on Watchdog.

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It's true, but apart from that. Rest in peace, Henry Kelly. Yeah, rest in peace, Henry Kelly.

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He's just so Rob Beckett on everything he's ever done. That's why it's great to have him Rob Beckett-ing away on our podcast.

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His tour, he'll be touring the world for the next year, I think, something like that.

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Yeah, so if you are in the world. Have a Google and find out the nearest place to go and watch it.

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This is the sort of stuff we say if we're not handed a sheet with things to say.

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My co-host says something like, if you're in the world, Google him and find out where he is in the world.

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He's a lovely man and this is what he did yesterday. Rob Beckett, welcome to What Did You Do Yesterday?

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Thanks, mate. That's so official. We were having a little chat before and then you went into pure presenter mode.

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Yeah, happy to be here. It's the thing about this guy. This guy just has presenting in his bones.

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He can present the shit. If you were a cop and you pulled him over, he'd start presenting as he did the drunk driving test.

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He'd pass. I mean, you could announce the death of a royal. Me and David couldn't do that.

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You've got that in the locker. Yeah, yeah. If I walk down the street with Jamie, you know, just there thinking walking to the cafe and I'm walking down the street going,

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it's houses like these. And she's just like, can you just give it a rest, Max?

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And I'm just doing the news. I can't help it. Yeah. That's great. This is not about me and my broadcasting abilities.

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This is about what happened to you yesterday. Yes. And it begins with this very simple question.

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What time did you wake up? So yesterday, it was a busy day yesterday. Is that good for this show or not good?

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A busy day? Well, the issue is. Well, I can't change that. I can't change it now.

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No, you can't. The issue with a busy day is we spend a lot of time between maybe 6 a.m. and midday.

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And then we really have to race to bedtime. But there'll come a time in the podcast where David goes, interruption.

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And you'll see my eyes glaze over because we've been doing an hour and a half already.

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And I'm thinking, but we can't change. It's just how it always happens. So I was up, I think, 20 past 6 a.m.

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Okay. Wow. And this is high level peak performance lifestyle. Is that what this is?

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No, no. This is young children and we move too far away from the school.

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So the school runs well long. Wow. That's what it is. Okay. So is that an alarm?

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Is that an alarm at 6 a.m.? That is an alarm. But my wife gets up slightly.

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Whatever time I set my alarm, she gazumps me and then is the hero somehow.

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So like I've been trying to creep to the time she gets up at 6 a.m.

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But I swear she used to get up at half 6 a.m. So when I started going 20 past 6 a.m., it seems to get earlier.

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So it feels like I'm in a race to the bottom. I don't have any children that I know of.

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I have 18 bikes. But Helen gets up at 7 o'clock, as Max well knows, because I've said this many times, to book a space and a class at the local gym.

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And I consider that to be the greatest injustice ever. That's mad. What space is she booking?

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It's a community gym. It books out at like two minutes past 7. And they only open the booking lines at 7.

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I hate it, but I can't get back to sleep afterwards. So then I've just got a whoop.

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So I'm now getting woke up by my whoop. I've got a whoop alarm. Have you had a whoop?

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What's that? A whoop is sort of like a Fitbit thing that tracks all your stress and also tells you when you're tired and tells you when you should go to the gym and when you shouldn't.

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Because basically, I try to get fit, but I quite like being told you're too tired to go, which is what it does a lot.

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So now I've got an excuse. If I had that, it would have just told me I'm tired since 1996.

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Yeah, no, mine doesn't. Mine keeps telling me to go to sleep. And I'm like, when I can, I go, well, I better because of the whoop.

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So it's not actually. I'm going to the gym. I'm going to the gym less.

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But it wakes you up with a vibrate, which is quite nice. Does it ever say, like, go for a pint?

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You know what I mean? Does it ever say, eat some crisps? It doesn't like alcohol.

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If you drink loads of alcohol with this on, it's sort of just like you see smoke coming out of it.

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Like your heart rate goes up. You're not sleeping. Your stress goes up. It gets shit-faced as well.

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That's what's good. Exactly. So I've been getting vibrated on my left wrist to awaken in around 6.30.

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About 6.20, I think it was yesterday. Because we had a busy morning trying to get the kids to wake up.

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And I was going off, which we will get to. Of course we will. Slightly earlier start.

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But there's a constant battle in my house where I think we could get up at 7 as a family and keep the momentum up and rush through breakfast, getting dressed, brushing your teeth,

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brushing your hair into the car to school, where my wife, who's very much, would arrive at an airport three days before the flight if she did.

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You see, what I've learned from doing this podcast, Rob, is you don't want an Alice James situation.

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Whereby he is standing at a polyester tracksuit just in the bottoms, shouting at his kids as they eat bowls of Frosties, you're snatching defeat from the jaws of victory.

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Because he's, I think, left a little bit later. Yes, middle ground. And you turn into, not a monster, but just like some relief PE teacher the school has brought in.

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Yeah, there is a balance. But I feel like we get up a bit too early for the school run.

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But then Lou does more of the legwork in the morning. And if I'm not on tour, I'll drive him in.

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So it's a bit of a, I can't really criticise because she's doing it naturally.

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You're sort of a driver. You just get out of bed and get into the car with a hat on and just wait.

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Well, I do the school run, but the real legwork in the school run is before you leave the house.

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That's the truth of the matter. Do you, when you sat in the car, just send a text, you know, to the kids going, your driver is here, his name is Rob.

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Well, I sometimes go out and warm the car up for them. When it's getting a bit stressful, I sometimes get the car warm.

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That's the thing I do in the winter. Okay, so 6.20, your whoops vibrated your wrist, you're straight out, or do you just like roll over again and just sort of like grimace?

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No, I'm up and out. And then normally, so I jumped in the shower. No, I didn't jump in the shower.

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Normally I jump in the shower because I need to get dressed to go down and go to the school run.

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But this time, because I wasn't doing the school run, because I was going up to London separately for work, I went downstairs and let the dogs out, did the dog's food,

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made the coffees and helped the kids get their breakfast. Because I wasn't actually doing the driving, Lou was.

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Okay. So it's not normally my remit. Understood. But we were only interested in yesterday.

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Yeah, yesterday. So I got up and did all that. So now in the Beckett household, are the dogs eating well now?

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Are you like pedigree charm, which I imagine is, you know, what you want to, like given...

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I don't know what they have. I ate it though. So they have these packets that arrive frozen and they go in the freezer and then you have to get them out to defrost them.

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But then we always forget. So they have to like pour the kettle on them to get them defrosted first thing.

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Lou sticks it in the microwave sometimes and it fucking... It fucking stinks and I hate it.

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And it just makes you want to get rid of the dogs. So I just like, give it to them cold.

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Just give it to them cold. I'm not warming up dog meat. I don't know what it's called, but Lou organises that.

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But one of them's got a limp. So he's actually at the vets currently getting an x-ray on his foot.

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So I don't know what's wrong with him. Do the dogs not wake you up?

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Do they come up or are they in their own... They're not allowed upstairs, the dogs.

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Okay. And they stick to that? They stick to that because I've got a disgusting bit of cardboard from a barbecue I bought two years ago.

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At the bottom of my stairs that I'm supposed to replace, but I've had that there for years.

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It's got dog claw scratches on. So they're not XL bullies is what you're saying?

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No, they're two whippets. They're two whippets, but they're a bit too bouncy. And all the kids' toys are upstairs.

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So if they go upstairs, they'll chew and nick and break the toys. My sister's dog, I used to mind my sister's dog sometimes.

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And we won't go into it now, but I got punched in the face in a Chinese about 15 years ago.

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And it knocked a tooth. So I had to wear a retainer on and off.

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What's that got to do with the dog? About a year and a half. The dog would enter the house.

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And if I didn't have a shitty piece of cardboard from a barbecue or something across the bottom of the stairs, straight up, just eat the retainer.

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Oh, she'd eat the retainer. Whatever about the disgusting aroma that came off the retainer.

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The dog would just be the second. If she hadn't been in the house for six months, she'd be like, oh yeah, sorry, I got your retainer again.

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That's going to be 150 quid. You need to replace that. But not out of your mouth.

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Not like the little pot. No, I've left it beside the bed. Got it. Somewhat disgustingly, but.

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It's quite a technical dog that could get in and get the retainer out. Remove it and chew it.

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And then the dog would wear the retainer to get exactly my teeth. That's how you know the dog today.

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That's what my dog does. I hate, sometimes if I wake up and I'm not in a shower yet and you're a bit stinky or whatever, he'll come up and just sniff my ass.

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And I'm like, I know, mate. I know. I've not had time for a shower.

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Don't humiliate me. Don't humiliate me like this. Thinking about this, if you wanted to fake your own death, if you did have a dog that you didn't like or you're prepared to dispose of the dog in the situation,

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in the circumstances, you could get the dog to have your teeth using the retainer and then it died in a way that it was only identifiable by its dental records.

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And then you could escape the life that you hate. It's just a thought. Yeah.

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I think I'd put that down with a missing kayak man. That kind of a...

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Yeah, yeah, yeah. But he didn't have that, did he? No, true. That's what he was missing.

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Retainers for dogs, for people who want to fake their own death. Put it down as a business idea.

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Is it possible that the reason Greyfriars Bobby sat on the dead owner's grave for years was just waiting for his time to try and eat his retainer?

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What I'm saying is never bury a body with a retainer. Thank you. Okay, so you've got the dogs.

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What are the kids having? They had toast yesterday. One had buttered toast. One had buttered bagel that she wanted to make herself.

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Okay. Because she's getting older now and wants to do her own things. So she did a bagel.

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Did they have tea? Would they drink tea? No, just water. They just had chilled water.

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And then they might have a yoghurt and maybe some fruit after toast and bagel.

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I never would have accepted water in the mornings when I was a kid. Yeah, but they were asked for water.

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One has milk sometimes, but the other one always has water. Wow, I think it was an unhealthier time.

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It was definitely an unhealthier time, even though people looked back on it, I think.

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So, one second. Are you in Australia, Max, or have you got an alcohol problem?

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Yeah. You can't just casually have a beer at 9am and not address where you are going.

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I just don't want people to talk about it. I was just like, fuck me.

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No wonder he wants to know what other people are doing. He can't look at himself.

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It's two minutes to nine in the evening. Fair enough. I don't have a social life.

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This is my social life now. That's fine. It just happens to be a podcast.

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When I saw it, I was like, here we go. This is life. And I've got another one if I'm having a great time.

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A big Asahi can. But we'll stop because I had three during the Kerry Godman episode.

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And by the end, it was really... He was talking shit. He was talking shit.

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Like, Rob, we've already established he's a great presenter. And then you're wondering, why doesn't he get the big gigs?

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I think we've just seen the reason. You can't do much of the day and on the little coffee table in front of you, there's just three cans of Asahi sitting there.

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It's a powerful beer, the Asahi as well. Don't fuck about. The Asahi. And then you're just going, Micah, do you give a shit?

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No. No, seriously, lads. This dog retainer thing. Go to the league table, Max. No, no.

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Trust me on the dog retainer. It's really good. No one cares where Crystal Palace are.

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You're fine. Okay, you dressed? How are you dressed here, Rob? Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

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I'm covering the important topic of things I used to drink before school. Oh, yes.

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Okay, yes. Sorry. I bet this is banned now. But my mum used to get...

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Cheese or a synthetic concentrated orange juice in a fucking tin that you opened like beans and you poured it into water.

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I don't know about that. It was tougher in Ireland. It was tougher in Ireland.

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It was concentrated fake orange juice. And if you were to drink a little, you'd be like, I'll have a little sip of this.

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And it was genuinely toxic. It was like... Like a hardcore Robinson squash, but in a tin.

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Even more hardcore than that. Right, okay. Because I remember Sunny Delight. That was a powerful drink when we were kids.

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Yeah, that was bad. That was my equivalent of a tin of Asahi. You want to know what we're wearing?

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I want to know what you're wearing. What we're wearing. So then I had a pair of just jogging bottoms, like baggy jogging bottoms and just a T-shirt, just a black T-shirt I had that are basically cosy,

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laying around the house clothes that I wore before bed. And they were on a pile next to my bed like someone had been vaporised.

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And then I popped them back on and it went down because I had a shower later on.

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Got it. And slippers. A pair of UGG slippers I got from Australia that are cheap because they don't own the copyright to UGG in Australia, do they?

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Yeah. There's a weird thing with UGG where there's UGG with three Gs or something.

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Everyone's just making their own UGG boots but spelling UGG. Well, no, I think you can call it the same, can't you?

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I don't know. Well, maybe slightly different spelling, but I think in the UK you can't bring out like a sheepskin shoe that's got anything with UGG in it.

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But in Australia you can do what you want. Because it's basically in Australia that it's the word for shoe isn't it?

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Essentially, you know, because it's like farmer's shoe, isn't it? It's a farmer's shoe in Australia.

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Is that right? Yeah. Okay. Max, you're supposed to... Mate, you get out of the off-licence and get to the shoe shops, mate.

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I'm our man on the ground here. Put the Asahi down and pick me up.

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I need to go to Foot Locker straight away or whatever it is. Or the bottle shop, mate.

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Yeah. Okay, so... The bottle shop. Is there anything significant happened between making their breakfast and the kids getting out and then you're free in the house?

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My wife brushes her hair too hard. She says it's the normal level of pressure.

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The girls cry. I think it looks like an assault. We argue about that, as we have done for the last 10 years.

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The girls look at me, roll their eyes when she drags the knots out of their head and then she said, well, you should have conditioned it last night.

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Where's the de-stangle spray? And I'm sort of running around going, anything I can do to help?

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Because I'm aware I'm going away on tour for a few days. A lot of hurry up, get your teeth done, come on, do you need this?

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They were also taking in a recycling project. So at one point, we had an old lady pool trucker that my daughter had put an old dress on and then put loads of old rubbish on it to make it look upcycled

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that I had to get a black bin liner on to put over the top and then I had to take photos of her with it and I put that in Lou's car and then the other one had this robot she made out of boxes and rubbish

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and it had long hair called Robo-Punzel. We had to put that in the car.

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Then they're getting their shoes on so it's a lot of do, do, do this, do this and I'm like the dog's body running around.

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Lou's getting in the car and I'm trying to get the other bits and bobs and then essentially get them all in the car.

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Somewhere between 7.45 and 8 o'clock is the sort of departure. I like that the project was build robots out of rubbish.

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It was anything out of rubbish essentially. Right, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like one was a robot, one was just a dress but she was using the trolley to hang it on.

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It seemed a bit extra but I didn't want to bring that up at 7am.

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So like a mannequin, the trolley was a mannequin. Yes, essentially that was the mannequin.

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So that was put in the car along with I think a guitar for guitar lessons so it's quite a lot to get your head around before 8am, isn't it?

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When the door closes so they're all in the car and there's sort of this quiet just sort of like emanates.

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Is that a wonderful, is that a moment just like is that the first time you exhale?

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Do you exhale for the first time? That is an amazing moment however I was up against it clockwise so I didn't have that moment because I had other stuff to do for me to get out the house on time because I had a cab coming at 8.35.

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Ooh, okay, talk us through it. So then basically I'd done a bit of the prep the night before where I packed my tour bag because I was going away on tour so I've got a tour bag of all the stuff I need for tour

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and then I had to get my clothes that I wear on stage and then I'd put them in my car the night before and in the morning I packed a bag with my actual clothes I need for day to day because I was going away for five nights

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and then I packed all that up put that in the boot of my car but I was getting picked up at 8.30 to go into London to do some work and then my tour manager was coming to my house to pick up the car to drive to Manchester

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and then I was going to meet him in Manchester but I loaded up the car with all my stuff so I didn't have to carry it on the train so I just took my backpack and then I was loading up the car and getting showered

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ready to get in the cab at 8.35 Oh Max it would have been a lovely mix up if he'd taken the school projects instead and then had to do the gig in a dress and just loads of rubbish and just not mention it and RoboPunzel got RoboPunzel on it

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What I did do is I took my wife's my wife's got a whoop as well and I took her whoop charger by accident Oh no So she won't know when to wake up your kids will just be in bed for five days She won't know when she's hungry

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She doesn't know when she's stressed most of the time now I've got a whoop charger then I had to order a whoop charger on Amazon to come for when I was away because I felt bad and I always feel guilty when I go away

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so I'm sort of half dancing on the line of the doghouse Yeah If a whoop tells you you're stressed Yeah Does that make you more stressed?

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Yes so this is what happens with this I'm not like by the way I've had a whoop for about a month this is not a brand deal I'm not being paid to wear this whoop I'm not advertising it This podcast is brought to you by a whoop

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What I know about the whoop one it's got absolutely unobtainable levels of sleep that it wants your body to achieve like 10 hours a night I'm like it's not happening mate so I looked at it the other day I went go to bed now

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if you're waking up at 6.20 tomorrow you need to go to bed now it's quarter to 8 I'm still tucking my daughter in I'm like she's not asleep yet but what I've noticed with the whoop is essentially if you drink loads of booze right

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and you don't exercise and you stay up late and don't sleep it makes you tired and stressed right I think we all know that deep down we all know the problem is the whoop tells you this in cold hard data so

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what you find is every day on the whoop it gives you your your score out of 100 which is your recovery so if you slept really well and not drunk they say 80% and it will say try and go to the gym today or go for a run

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you're feeling good you've got lots of energy or like it did after I went out on the piss at the weekend I was on 16% and it basically was like don't leave the house you're like a phone you're like red on 16% you have to be charged wow

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so my mate come back from Cheltenham and 1% because he's got so much Guinness but whoop doesn't know you're at the pub or like there's no way whoop is like just lower me into whatever you're drinking here I'm going to have a little and then whoop's like that's a

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acai yeah no so you can tell it if you want but even if you don't tell it it knows what you've been doing because your heart's fucked what I've noticed with the whoop is there's two types of people that get it you have a get it

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and it tells you you're fucked and you go alright maybe I should drink a bit less or sleep a bit more or you go fuck this I don't want to know about this ignorance is bliss get off my wrist and then they crack on question

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where do you hide the car keys for the tour manager oh wow answer he's got a spare oh trust he's part of the family er no no ok no no he's a good bloke no I think yeah he's a really nice guy but he

21:53 - 22:04

he just has the spare so he comes and grabs it and then he leaves his car at mine Max was taking note of all the crimes he can commit when he comes back to England next one of them we check it inside the well

22:04 - 22:14

just above the car tyre on the front left hand side under the flower pot it's quite fun to steal Rob Beckett's car I've never stolen a car before why not steal Rob Beckett's make a start you can also the car now

22:14 - 22:25

you can drive your car with an app oh like open the doors and everything with just the phone I can open the doors with it I think I can drive with it so what if I'm stolen it you could get on the whoop or the other app

22:25 - 22:36

the whoop you could drive the car around I'd be in the car I don't need the actual key I don't think to drive it I just use the key to get in it I think I can drive it with just my phone charged but also I can

22:36 - 22:45

on my app for the car I can see where the car is so when he's like got it I can see where it's sometimes if I'm on the train I try and see if he's on the motorway next to the train track do you know what I once

22:45 - 22:54

I was talking about it on TalkSport what I'd love is a little app that told you where all the footballers are and all their commutes going to training and then all going home right

22:54 - 23:07

and I was saying this on air and Ben Foster who was then playing I can't remember who he was playing for he just sent me his live location so I did it we get to see him driving up the A1 it's quite fun this beat a real

23:07 - 23:23

switch around in my mind as regards your car because at the start of this you said some days you went out just to warm it up so I was imagining it was like a 1981 Ford Escort you know you have to pull out the chub and just sit there

23:23 - 23:37

but then when you said you could drive it with an app I was like this is not a 1981 Ford Escort it's a BMW X7 my touring car so it's a big like six seater one does it have your name on the side the way of your face

23:37 - 23:48

no it doesn't have my name I say my touring car it's just like the family car Lou's got a little run around to do school run this is like the one that we go to centre parks in I was once driving on a motorway in England and a

23:48 - 24:05

Peugeot either 205 or 305 you know solid mid-range went past and it said Phil the Power Taylor on the side of it nice and Phil the Power Taylor was driving it that's mental that's great you don't need PR I'm not going to go I'm not into darts hang on

24:05 - 24:21

I've just seen a darts player's name on his car let's go and watch some darts what is it achieving the question with the shower is cold blast do you do a cold blast at the end no I just like it nice and warm and yeah no cold blast

24:21 - 24:31

but I used I used our we've got an en suite that we've not been using for a little bit because there was a leak in the bathroom but we've discovered the leaks from somewhere else so I used it for the first time in ages and then no water

24:31 - 24:42

came out for a bit because obviously it gets all like limescale doesn't it because we've not been using it so I was like then having to clean the limescale off and then get underneath it but I was just sort of rubbing it with my hand right

24:42 - 24:57

not if you didn't use Viacal or no I just literally got my hand and went over the little knobbly plastic bits of the shower head and then it unblocked I think I think I think I need to up my limescale sort of headspace I don't feel like

24:57 - 25:08

I'm on top of my limescale enough because I shouldn't be at home you need a whoop for a limescale I need a whoop for a limescale to get the analytics on that shower head did it feel nostalgic to get in that shower have you ever been there

25:08 - 25:19

in a while yeah do you know I went oh this is a great shower this is a great shower and I've actually missed it because I've been going downstairs we've got like a little little shower downstairs I was using that little one and I thought

25:19 - 25:31

I don't mind it but it's always that gauntlet of running up the stairs in like a dressing gown and it always feels a bit like you're doing something naughty just in case your tour manager's there yeah exactly he's come early for the car and I'm running upstairs

25:31 - 25:44

we knock it out because I forgot a towel when I moved into this house this is going to make it sound fancier than it is there was a plastic jacuzzi type bath just a regular bath but it had holes in the bottom of it for a jacuzzi

25:44 - 26:03

so the first thing I did was heated up the water and then filled the bath I love a bath and sat in it with my finger just hovering over the jacuzzi button here we go here we go so I hit the button oh no first use yeah

26:03 - 26:23

so the water had obviously been sitting in the pipes for the six months that no one had been living in this house so what came out was kind of tomato juice coloured liquid and because it was accompanied with like zzzzzzz I actually thought I was neutral bulleting

26:23 - 26:37

my legs like you actually look down and you think it's liquidising your bottom half that was fucking bleak I do think the hot tub is overrated you want a hot tub that's in constant use do you know what I mean like a hot tub at like the gym

26:37 - 26:47

if you go to like a David Lloyd is good because every day it's on it's cleaned there's people in and out of it all the time so it's like they're on top of it whereas ones you know when you go to like sort of like a hotel

26:47 - 26:58

and there's like one in the corner and they go is that a hot tub yeah if you want you know and then you like lift it back and it's like this film on top now leave it all right

26:58 - 27:11

so you've showered have you had any breakfast yourself did you have toast when the girls no I didn't I skipped breakfast did the whoop tell you to do that no I was in a bit of a rush and I've come back from India last week okay

27:11 - 27:24

I have had a quite delicate stomach right when I say delicate I've been shitting water for four days how many coffees have you had no coffee normally would have a coffee but I can't risk the coffee until I I know that I'm getting in a cab

27:24 - 27:38

and getting on a train so with the belly I've got well now I would say I'm on to diarrhoea now a week in okay so I've moved up to diarrhoea so I'm happy with that maybe it's dysentery I went to Goa and got dysentery what's that

27:38 - 27:50

dysentery is really heavy shit so how long does that last for well I was working at the BBC and I had a week's holiday to take and I was just going to do some admin around the house somewhere I can go Goa direct so I was like alright

27:50 - 28:02

so I just got on a plane and went to Goa and it was six weeks before I was doing the marathon my recommendation would be don't get dysentery six weeks before the marathon not because you're gonna you know it just takes out any energy that you had

28:02 - 28:16

it was really really bad training for it don't say that to this man he's possibly got the start of dysentery I'm mid dysentery and you're fine but the thing is people used to die of it all the time in like the 80s 70s but now you're okay

28:16 - 28:32

you'll be fine I feel like I'm on top of it now but back to yesterday I didn't have coffee because I wasn't confident in what I could hold in anymore Max did you have to talk enthusiastically about Crystal Palace's transfer of speculation while dying of dysentery

28:32 - 28:47

no I didn't actually I just had dysentery I had to fly back from India with dysentery I had to fly back from India I mean the worst I ever had was in Tanzania wow just go Tenerife or something yeah he's the David Attenborough of shitting

28:47 - 28:59

I was in Zanzibar right I was on Zanzibar in Dayton ancient diseases to come out of his arse I was on Zanzibar right and I was there with about three friends and they all got the run straight away and I was like totally fine

28:59 - 29:13

I was drinking the water eating the salad absolutely great and then the day we had to leave and like fly across the country was when my stomach just disappeared and so we had like an hour on like in a minibus on a bumpy track to the airport

29:13 - 29:23

and then I was just like I was totally broken and like any time we stopped I had to just run into a bush and then we had like an hour and a half flight on one of these tiny planes I remember like so I went to the toilet

29:23 - 29:33

just before the flight and again and then as we get in the plane as I'm walking in because I was like will this have a toilet I don't know it's like a 20s here and there was a little door that said toilet that sort of went up

29:33 - 29:44

to about here and I was like oh great you're going to duck in close the door go to the toilet I was like fine so literally we take off and then I'm like okay I've got to go so I open this door and it's not a door

29:44 - 29:57

it's a cupboard and there's a bucket there's a curtain a bit like you know you're just trying on a t-shirt a top man and literally when you took the bucket out of the cupboard you were basically next to the people sitting in the back seats oh no

29:57 - 30:12

you didn't I had to sit on that bucket for an hour oh my god it feels the same as what I had I would be worried the smell would force the pilot to crash the plane yeah yeah so have we left the house we're heading into London

30:12 - 30:25

that's what happened yeah so I've got my bags ready I've loaded the car up the taxi arrived I jump in the taxi to the station Rob just one very important thing here this this is a very military precision operation yeah do you keep it going up there

30:25 - 30:36

or do you have are you one of these guys with a little book where you're like this is the order of action today all in my head wow sometimes I'll put if I get an email I'll put in a calendar like pick up at whatever time but like

30:36 - 30:45

but I think that's part of my dyslexia where I can just have it all in my head because I can never get it out of my head and written down and then when I write it down I never it doesn't go in so it's just

30:45 - 30:55

it's a skill I've sort of learned over the years to have so all of it's just in my head floating around X-Men shit that's what that is X-Men shit yeah How long is the journey to the station please?

30:55 - 31:05

15 minutes drive to the station and then I jump on like the that's like a 25-30 minute train to Charing Cross Do you do anything on the train listen to anything on the train?

31:05 - 31:18

So I got there and the train I was well early for the train I was aiming for so I actually got the delayed one before but it was very busy on the platform so I walked right up to the top of the train and I got on

31:18 - 31:26

and I put my headphones in I get in a car head down and play Bubble Shooter that's my technique for the train You play what?

31:26 - 31:30

Excuse me? Bubble Shooter Is that three of the same colour and they all disappear?

31:30 - 31:43

Yeah and it is the most addictive game ever it's not a very well-known game it's so hard I've played it now for eight years okay in the eight years there's an easy mode which I can complete at will yeah Oh well done The hard mode

31:43 - 32:01

guess how many times I've won it in eight years Never Once Once Oh wow About three months ago when I was on the tube and I genuinely fucking celebrated like I scored a last minute winner in the FA Cup I was fucking fucking because it's been eight years

32:01 - 32:16

every commute I don't actually think it's designed it's quite a low fire game I don't think it's actually designed for you to complete it and get all the bubbles off it's how many points can you get before it goes down but I've never been interested in the points

32:16 - 32:32

I just want it cleared and I did it and fuck me it felt good It's wild so I have a I don't play computer games I've just it's never really interested me but on my phone is one game that I think I downloaded in about sort of iPhone 9

32:32 - 32:49

era that just keeps updating which is called Stack which is it's a large pile and sliding they're like trays come towards you have to land them perfectly on top of each other I play it on every flight ever for with podcasts on I do that no interest

32:49 - 32:59

in other computer games but for some reason this almost doesn't count as a computer game it's just a thing that I need to do for my mind it's good for my mind also as well

32:59 - 33:11

it's quite good to avoid eye contact that may lead to a 30 minute chat on a train for me because you know when you've done a bit of telly they want to people do like to have a chat which is fine if it's every single journey some mornings

33:11 - 33:23

after that busy morning I don't want to get into it about what Jimmy Carr's like do you know what I mean when you said you went up the front of the train for a moment I imagined it's just you and the driver sitting in that tiny little cab

33:23 - 33:38

yeah maybe I should ask about that but at the moment it's more stressful because I'm doing this show called Last One Laughing on Amazon and they have gone mental with the promo and at my local station is a poster of me I would say like bigger than

33:38 - 33:53

I've seen for a Tom Cruise Mission Impossible it is fucking insane honestly my head is as big as like a four bedroom house staring at me while I'm waiting for the train it's the trigger happy TV thing where there's a sign that says have you seen this man

33:53 - 34:05

and he is standing in front of it asking people questions because also as well you're like I'm just a guy that wants to be left alone on a train and I'm like like a fucking little kid mugging it up for the money and a camera obviously I never

34:05 - 34:19

got to a billboard level but like well they provided about a week ago and Amazon Bezos got involved oh like three times I'd join a gym to walk into the gym to be shown around the gym and like Soccer AM the best bits would just be on

34:19 - 34:30

oh yeah every fucking telly and I'd be really trying to sort of look away it's just terrible I met Alan Carr once in Sydney when he was out touring and I was out touring and we went for a drink and it was just like the nearest pub

34:30 - 34:39

that was open late next to the hotel in Sydney we went in there and it was like a weird sports bar they had screens on and we went and sat down the only two people in there we sat down in front of this telly that was just on

34:39 - 34:55

by chance because there was tellies everywhere we sat down drinking and then the barmaid come over and then on our telly behind us was 8 out of 10 cats does countdown with both of us on it and it looked fucking bananas like you'd staged it like you'd staged it

34:55 - 35:09

maybe you need to take a leaf out of Jeff Bezos book Rob and get a poster with your face on it and just a description of what Jimmy Carr is like above it so then Noah would just be like he's actually different to how he is

35:09 - 35:20

in his comedy he's actually a nice guy just loves gigging really nice guy family man when you're on the train playing a game how hidden are you are you desperately yeah it depends the thing is if I'm not working a lot and I'm quite well rested

35:20 - 35:33

and I'm not busy I will chat straight if the whoop tells you you're okay for public interaction no I am so like on holiday if I'm well rested I'm that annoying bloke that ends up having a mate and Lou's like why are we fucking mates with them

35:33 - 35:46

I'm like they're alright I am naturally that person but obviously because my job is I'm gigging five nights a week doing shows you lose that that energy to chat and engage with people does dwindle and the battery runs out so like when I'm not working

35:46 - 35:53

I am that chatty guy so if I'm not working that much I might have the headphones out I'll be looking around at the train having a chat but if I'm knackered I'm like right

35:53 - 36:03

I've got a busy day today because this day that we're still going through to do a pre-record of a show and then do my actual tour show in the evening so I was like I need to reserve some energy here because I've got to do two hours

36:03 - 36:15

of performing later so it's like it's trying to reserve energy so I'm still up for it later on so what are we in London for then Charing Cross we're in London for my well I used to do it I've just finished doing it now

36:15 - 36:29

Radio 2 show on a Sunday afternoon I'm gigging on the Sunday so it was a pre-record of my final show so I went into BBC to pre-record that and then I was taking the team out for a bit of lunch before I went up to Manchester so that's why

36:29 - 36:47

I'm in town interestingly because Rob's conserving energy for the gig that night he doesn't ask anyone any questions or talk to anyone so it's an entirely silent lunch everyone's sat round a table he's playing bubble bubble yeah I've got bubble shooter on you talk amongst yourself

36:47 - 37:00

while we wait for the food I'm playing bubble shooter now I'm guessing Radio 2 right they don't want you to be honest about the fact that it's a pre-rec so it'll sound as live there's no yeah so we don't say this is a pre-rec we don't go

37:00 - 37:11

I'm here now on Sunday so you're a bit more loose that's the weird sort of radio thing where you don't want to be obvious but you can't lie but obviously because I'm you know away touring on a Sunday I couldn't do it live so I pre-recorded it

37:11 - 37:21

and did it as live but yeah we did that like 10 till 12ish and did you did you play the songs you played all the songs you did it did it like just press go or did you the start and the end but got it

37:21 - 37:34

if we're up against the clock I know what Coldplay sounds like mate you'll remember Lunch with Max on BBC Radio Cambridgeshire in 2004 absolutely and I was moved from Saturday Breakfast and I was a bit annoyed about it because I was living in London

37:34 - 37:43

I was working for BBC London I had to go back so I said that why don't I pre-record every other week so I'd do one live Saturday and then the other I'd just go up on a Thursday and pre-record it but I would do things like

37:43 - 37:56

Chris has been in touch to say it's very busy heading into town just so you know because he's always busy driving since the middle of Cambridge so I was like you're not allowed to do this you can't do that you can't do this anymore well do you know

37:56 - 38:08

what I also found I also found you know when you're driving and then the travel news comes in really loudly from another radio station and you're like just go away you know you're driving maybe it doesn't happen anymore but it used to happen I found out

38:08 - 38:20

at Radio Cambridge that we controlled the button and so I did this bit where I'd be like we control the button for the travel news that will go into loads of radio it's a great way to get audiences so we'd either press the button and say

38:20 - 38:33

I'm really sorry if you're listening to Radio 2 or Radio 1 but we're on Radio Cambridge it's a good show give it a try or you just press the button and go watch out and that was really I got in a lot of trouble but I didn't realise

38:33 - 38:47

you weren't allowed to do that I think they should get rid of news and traffic on the radio I think if you want to know the news listen to the news like chat show talk show things if you're really into news or everyone's got a phone

38:47 - 38:59

you can find out there's a radio what's serial killers waiting for the radio on the hour to tell you that a road in Glasgow is shut and you're living in Kent just get on sat nav it's mental and then like you're trying to have a bit of fun

38:59 - 39:13

and then it goes into a horrific news story or like some traffic stuff I think it's bullshit also the other trick for radio is when they go we need another feature for this bit I always go play another song no one's ever complained to radio 2 that you've played

39:13 - 39:26

the Beatles again it's just god so easy isn't it so easy just play another song stuck on all speech radio we need to love a link do we the Beatles exist give them a fucking bash you see Max doesn't like this Rob talk sport or whatever

39:26 - 39:40

are just to Max we need someone to talk for the next two hours can you just talk about football generally and Max is just like football the people's game played by millions and he's wow he's been at this speech Arnold Clark or whatever it is

39:40 - 39:52

that speech about car company I thought of a good phoner for a talk sport show Max the other day it's a bit off topic and it will wind up Tottenham fans which is always good value me are you a Tottenham fan it's tough at the moment and me

39:52 - 40:06

is it harder to win the Carabao Cup than the new Europa League now that the Champions League has got bigger disgust that's the sort of phonin that if a producer said to me I'd say give that to some other show I'm not doing that rubbish no

40:06 - 40:19

as at Alkmaar mid-table Dutch League you've beat them what you in the quarter finals yeah that's an easier route so far I don't disagree with you come on Liverpool ain't in it Liverpool ain't in it when other shows are doing who's the bigger club

40:19 - 40:29

Liverpool or Man United again and I'm just there going I can't just leave me this is a new one because Champions League's got bigger and all the good clubs have gone out what's harder to win I'll try it on Saturday what's a bigger achievement Newcastle winning it

40:29 - 40:41

or Tottenham winning Europa the Tottenham fans will go fucking mental I'll do the Rob Beckett phonin I'll do the Rob Beckett I genuinely think it's harder to win the Carabao Cup than it is the Europa League now that the quality of the Europa League's dropped

40:41 - 40:53

I'll try it on Saturday and we'll see how it goes good I needed some material I haven't got an idea but here's Rob Beckett's phonin it's a bit football for us but we'll give it a try it's normally when I name a team what jersey sponsor

40:53 - 41:08

are you thinking of we got Peter on line 7 we got Sharp View Cam we got Brian Dreamcast Wang here we go right okay so we've had the lunch that's nice you take them out for lunch you're a good team player whoa whoa whoa how upmarket is the place

41:08 - 41:20

you take them to Lyon no I've took them to a fancy lunch because I want to say thank you for all their hard work but there's a bit of a caveat to the fancy to a rocker in Charlotte Street which is like a Japanese sushi place very fancy

41:20 - 41:42

two words a Groupon you've got a Groupon lunch menu well can we go a la carte nah wouldn't have thought so how big's the team how big's the team so there's only three of them so it was four of us it wasn't a massive

41:42 - 41:53

it was a lovely meal also it was a night it was really nice it was nearby but the lunch the lunch menu is good there okay that's good to know what did you have they had cocktails yeah I had a Coke Zero because I was working

41:53 - 42:05

we had the set menu and it was something like I can't remember what it was I mean it was a bit pricey but it was a nice thank you lunch but you got like a bit of sushi you got some some spinach then you picked some main

42:05 - 42:15

and it was like black cod or beef and lamb but we got one of each and shared and one of the guys were vegetarian so they did go a la carte which was fine obviously I said it was fine it was absolutely fine I hope at the end

42:15 - 42:23

did you say you owe me 18 no no no and then had a couple of cocktails and had to go back to work you know it was very nice and it was nice to say thank you because they're such a great team I loved doing the show

42:23 - 42:37

I was just I was so busy because it's Sunday afternoons it was just too much with the tour and the kids so something I had to give did you deliver a speech you know was there a nice moment where you stood up and you took 16 A4 sheets

42:37 - 42:49

out of your pocket no I'm not very good at that I said thank you and you know for all the hard work but I'm not I'm not very sentimental because I've always moved I've never never had a proper job for ages so I've always moved about a lot

42:49 - 43:01

you know some people work at the same place for 20 years I've always only ever been anywhere my longest job's probably Celebs Go Dating doing the voiceover for that on E4 I'm like 10 years deep into that and especially with the Radio 2 thing I probably will go back

43:01 - 43:15

and do some cover and some podcasts so it's not like a proper goodbye type thing in the same way the littlest hobo was never sentimental or Jack Reacher you're like the Jack Reacher littlest hobo of broadcasting of work no exactly well I think you know

43:15 - 43:26

it's nice to be you know I'm I'm very much more like it's good to move on and change things up I'm not a big fan of staying anywhere too long doing anything the same for long it sends me a bit mad that's good well I think

43:26 - 43:39

I've been doing that Sunday show for 12 years yeah but if you like it you like it yeah I like that there is an intensity to what we do though whereby you know I've done a week in a venue and where you're the same tech

43:39 - 43:54

has listened to your show over and over I feel we have an unbreakable bond and we will be brothers for life and obviously I never see them again but there's a moment where we hug the last time on stage thank you for everything yeah give me your number

43:54 - 44:06

if you ever need and then just we never speak again but it is still there's an intensity to it some things are I remember when I was in Adelaide a lovely family looked after me like they come to a show and I was out there on my own

44:06 - 44:15

and I was skin they had kids at similar age and they were like I'll come round for a bit of a barbecue and stuff like that because I spent three weeks with them they sort of turned into family and it was very like I always see them

44:15 - 44:26

when I go to Australia when I'm going next year so that's nice I'm not a completely cold hearted bitch but I try and be put a positive spin on stuff rather than being too down about it Will we have a I mean depending on what the whoop allows

44:26 - 44:29

when you come to Australia will we have a cup of tea? Absolutely Where do you live?

44:29 - 44:40

Melbourne? Yeah Yeah yeah come to the show Melbourne we'll have a cup of tea I'll have a drink with you I'll have a drink with you David Oh I look forward to it But no yeah I'll come and look let me know I'm going to sort out tickets

44:40 - 44:55

The only era where I God like I started comedy when I was about 23 and there was definitely there was times in my sort of mid-twenties where I could hang out with if there were students there and it wouldn't be weird

44:55 - 45:09

just if I wanted to go for a pint Yeah as in like grown-ups were still too old to hang out with mums and dads or whatever and I do remember a couple of times finishing a gig and being like is anyone up to anything afterwards?

45:09 - 45:20

Yeah I've been there when I was younger The saddest ending to a gig Well look because I was out there with like no money I didn't know anyone I went for a drink after and they were this guy called Ross and his wife Catherine and I was like

45:20 - 45:27

did you show us great mate do you want a drink like that I was like oh yeah I'll have a drink I just got chatting to them but yeah when you're on your own somewhere you just sort of hang about a bit

45:27 - 45:37

you're like do you want a drink it's quite tragic that's why you take tour support in the early days now I just do the gig and go back to the room Yes unless friends are up and I'll go for a drink which happened last night actually

45:37 - 45:41

we can get to that Oh how exciting you've had the lunch now where are we going now what's happening?

45:41 - 45:56

It sounds like I've made this up but my day and then into the next morning literally turns into like stellar street the amount of mad famous people I've bumped into and the reasons obvious when you get to so as I'm walking from Radio 2 I walk past Ryland

45:56 - 46:05

Yeah good Ryland's there just on the street and I say oh hello Ryland I say hello to him and he's with two people I don't really know and then like I say hello to this lady she's with and this other guy and shake it down

46:05 - 46:13

and we have sort of like sort of an awkward stop and chat because he's obviously in the middle of something and he's like where are you going I'm going up to Manchester he's like I'm going up to Manchester I was like what are you going up for

46:13 - 46:21

he's like I'm doing Comet Relief and I'm like oh I'm doing my tour what train are you on half two oh wow see you on the train and then as this is going on the bloke who I've just shook hands and said hello to is like

46:21 - 46:32

he's just met Ryland for the first time as well he's like stopped in for a selfie and I've just sort of said hello I thought he was Ryland's mate so then he goes and I speak to Ryland and say see you later I'll see you on the train

46:32 - 46:44

so then now I'm walking to Euston Station wow so I go to Euston Station and then I get the train to Manchester and then oh hang on guess who gets on the train oh do you want sorry have I gone too fast

46:44 - 46:57

no if we're still on the train that's okay yeah so I got to the station I also went to the lounge I was travelling first class I went to the lounge and I downloaded the Adolescence to watch on Netflix oh yeah watched about half an hour of that

46:57 - 47:09

and I thought I cannot possibly watch this and then try and be funny tonight so let's fucking can this off until I've got a night off yeah we were going to watch it last night but I insisted that I wanted to watch a documentary on the Vasa

47:09 - 47:26

the Swedish warship from the 16th century that they brought up recently first absolutely it was exciting and Helen fell asleep during that so I was like there's no way she was going to stay awake during a 45 minute single shot bleak drama I know so

47:26 - 47:39

we've put that off until tonight it's like MDMA for old people isn't it these crime dramas where you're like I can do it but I need to know what I'm doing tomorrow because I can't I've got to emotionally deal with watching this gritty drama

47:39 - 47:48

and then living my life in a happy way the next day so I need a bit of time either side of it yeah when I used to have to go to sort of screen junkets that would be on at like nine in the morning

47:48 - 48:02

and then you'd watch like Tom Hardy played Charles Manson or Charles Bronson I can't remember and I was like that is not a 9am film I was like I'm just not ready I'm just not ready this is an 8pm and nothing else okay so hang on

48:02 - 48:11

so you're sitting on the train it hasn't left and a famous person walks on the train me and David should do a quiz to see who gets it first is that fun or should you just tell us you can do that if you want

48:11 - 48:27

I can give you some clues to start with Manchester a lot of television is made in Manchester Media City so Cat's Countdown is done there but then used to be you would be walking through the it felt real golden age of showbiz because Alan Shearer

48:27 - 48:47

would walk past you someone in a dance costume from Strictly would come past you here like the BBC moving to Manchester so they can spend all their budget on train tickets exactly I'm going to go Susie Dent oh no good guess I can see your workings

48:47 - 49:05

but not Susie Dent no okay Max no friend of mine lives near me bald head oh Tim Allen oh Tom Allen Tom Allen Tim Allen is from Home Improvements no my guess was Tim my guess was Tim Allen from Home Improvements yeah okay sorry my guess was Tim

49:05 - 49:20

is it Tim Allen from Home Improvements no wrong is it the neighbour who was ringing his head over the fence no Tim yes it was Tim Allen from Home Improvements so he's on the train he's my mate I'll get on really well with him

49:20 - 49:34

so we sit and have a chat on the way out it would have been a different show if Tom Allen had been in Home Improvements oh yeah just the whole show he's terrible he won't mind me saying that with a chainsaw useless Tom Allen going on Sunday brunch

49:34 - 49:51

is one of my favourite YouTube clips ever he's so funny he's just an agent of chaos in the most charming polite way yep when he's asked to chop a spring onion he's like is it because I'm gay or whatever and everyone is just absolutely unsure what to say

49:51 - 50:04

to Tom Allen he's so funny yeah watch that clip he's hilarious so the train ride goes by you don't look away from Tom Allen playing Bubble Crush no no no in the whole way I'm quite glad I'm having a break from adolescence on the iPad I'm quite glad

50:04 - 50:20

to look up and see the joy in Tom Allen's eyes he orders a quiche I order a Plowman's he has a gin and tonic I have a kombucha and we enjoy the beautiful sights of the English countryside wow Rob is kombucha available on the menu

50:20 - 50:35

of the first class menu on the train to Manchester holy shit I had two kombuchas and I was really dehydrated when I got to Manchester because I didn't have any water just fizzy ginger whatever it is where's Ryland is he just trying to get in the conversation

50:35 - 50:47

don't see Ryland actually he must be on another coach don't see Ryland Ryland's gone he does make an appearance later on well that's exciting okay great wow little team this is the most star studded if you'd done the day before it would have been so fucking boring

50:47 - 51:02

just me picking the kids up from school going swimming Manchester train station where are you are you doing the Lowry Rob where are you on in Manchester so I'm doing the Manchester Opera House which is right in the centre of town it's a beautiful venue

51:02 - 51:13

very lucky to be able to do that one so I'm doing that so I'm staying at the same hotel as Tom Allen coincidentally and when we arrive the production company has put on a car for him I thought I'll jump in the car with you

51:13 - 51:24

to go to the hotel to drop the bag the traffic is mental in Manchester so it gets to the point where he's changed the route the driver to drop me I've gone I think I'm going to have to just go straight to the venue here

51:24 - 51:32

because of the traffic so then I'll get them stuck in traffic which is very awkward and then I go if I get out here I could just walk for five minutes and they're like okay then

51:32 - 51:44

so I get out and go and then I leave Tom Allen with his driver stuck in traffic heading the wrong way they're still there they're still there they must come in relief so I was like sorry guys and then I went to the venue okay I've got

51:44 - 51:49

a couple of nerdy stand-up questions then it's a two-half show are you doing both halves yourself?

51:49 - 51:59

yeah eight o'clock star I do 45 minutes 20 minute break 45 minutes yep and is the show bedded in now such that you don't really have to think about it that much beforehand?

51:59 - 52:12

yes but I haven't done it for a month so I know it but I haven't done it if that makes sense you didn't do it live in Bangalore I presume you went no no no so Mumbai I was filming I was filming with Romesh yeah so I

52:12 - 52:23

I know it but I I just got it fully bedded in to the point where I can sort of mess around around it still a few things it never it's always evolving slightly but it was in it wasn't that horrible bit when you start the tour

52:23 - 52:36

but I hadn't done it for a month so I had that sort of excited belly feeling of I think I know it but I'm not sure if I know it anymore so I had to trust future Rob essentially well did you do the one of the maddest times

52:36 - 52:54

in the life of a comedian is when you are listening to your own show on headphones can't do it really I started doing that years ago to improve on jokes and I was like for the 10% it might improve the set the 40% hit I take on morale happiness

52:54 - 53:13

self worth I'd rather accept a dip in quality for an improvement of life quality so I cannot possibly I've recorded every show never listen back ever it just sits there there was an awful time before mics on phones got good where sometimes you would ask the tech

53:13 - 53:29

in the venue to record it on a mini disc or whatever off the desk so on that you got no audience sound whatsoever and sometimes you do a punchline and you'd be like that never happens on a Thursday and you just hear silence and you'd sort of

53:29 - 53:44

hear yourself going like just it's literally making me itchy thinking of listening I don't watch myself back and I don't listen to I've never listened back to a podcast I've never watched back a television show a television show even my special I don't watch

53:44 - 53:54

I just let the editor edit it and a couple of people I trust pick points I just can't do it I just tap out of it it's not funny I'm the same there are a couple of episodes of this where I thought oh I didn't think

53:54 - 54:00

that was great so I've listened to those but all the others literally why do that?

54:00 - 54:11

well no just because I'm like oh I wonder how they've rescued that one but actually they're all fine well sometimes I get in the car and Lou's got the Parenting Hell podcast on oh really and it'd be me winding up Josh and then I find myself laughing

54:11 - 54:25

I'm like oh no get it off it's worse than me being shit me finding myself funny get it off you know I just I do too many podcasts to listen back to I haven't got time to do that now I've just got bullet points written down

54:25 - 54:36

on a bit of paper that I look at and nothing really goes in did you psychologically think your way through it that's sometimes a useful thing just to close your eyes and be like I go to this I go to this I go to this

54:36 - 54:48

yeah but bouncing from bullet points really if I go in and say that I've got a joke about people getting divorced I'll hit those sort of I've got like bullet points that I'll be floating around my head I don't write any of it down it's not written down

54:48 - 55:00

it's all just said out loud remembered said out loud remembered and I've just got bullet points you come off stage you look at the whoop and you see you've done six minutes thank you very much good night exactly yeah so yeah but then

55:00 - 55:12

it just everything the best stuff I've ever done sort of just happened on stage and then I chat to the crowd and yeah I don't understand the process but I know I do 45 minutes and they seem to laugh yeah and then I have a break

55:12 - 55:24

and then I sit there and go what the fuck do I do and then as soon as I'm out there it comes do we eat before the show it's a tricky thing of what to eat so always eat before the show I try and eat around six o'clock

55:24 - 55:40

and I'll have a big feed normally from Nando's because it's the same everywhere you can normally get one near the venue and it's quite healthy if you just get like the chicken some broccoli so I try and do like loads of chicken so I have half a chicken

55:40 - 55:54

with broccoli and mash and the gravy or I'll have the double chicken pita with mash and broccoli and gravy but maybe a bit less if I've had more in the day so I only had the wrap last night no mash or broccoli because I had a big lunch

55:54 - 56:07

and I dipped it in the gravy and the gravy was too hot on the first bite and I burnt my lip I used to watch the American football at Matt Walsham's house every Sunday in the early 90s but it was on too late so we'd video it

56:07 - 56:21

from the week before but obviously there was no way of finding out the American football scores so we'd never find out so we'd watch it a week late and every week Matt Walsham's mum Alison would make me a hot chocolate and I'd burn my mouth and then

56:21 - 56:35

it would just recover by the next Sunday and then I'd burn my mouth again so I didn't taste anything from 1992 to 1995 well yeah hot chocolate back in the 90s was boiling water on a bit of cocoa powder you fucking serial killer yeah yeah yeah

56:35 - 56:48

just warm the milk up yeah no one had thought of that it doesn't need to be boiling yeah Rich Kumar is the first comedian I think of when I think of the pre-gig Nando's and I think he pushes it closer to his gig then

56:48 - 57:07

no really yeah a lot of his work is just him burning off the crazy energy that his giant Nando's has given him no I go at six and then I probably do a little sound check at half six to do all that done in five minutes and then

57:07 - 57:23

I lay down and meditate listening to Alan Watts on YouTube and if I'm really tired I'll sleep if I'm not really tired I'll just meditate wow just to get as calm as possible and then I rev myself up closer to stage time who's Alan Watts Alan Watts

57:23 - 57:34

is like his philosopher bloke he's like he died in like the 70s but he went to like China and India and all places like that and it's really weird my wife's name's maiden name's Watts and he's Alan Watts is actually from Chiseles which is about

57:34 - 57:44

half a mile from where I grew up and he's just very much he's like it's all this sort of like trust the universe stuff all you can do is what you can do because you want stuff to be as good as possible but

57:44 - 57:57

with comedy it depends on the night of the week how many's in the room what the venue's like what's happened to you that day you can only do as good as the conditions allow obviously you need to have the material and be well practised and going in

57:57 - 58:05

with energy and stuff but you just have to accept your fate almost of a comedy gig and go out with good intentions and the way it'll be is the way it'll be but

58:05 - 58:13

your ego wants to be like I'm gonna be fucking smash this but no actually that's not you haven't got any control you haven't got any control you haven't got any control over that so it's very good at me to try and go this will go

58:13 - 58:27

how it will go you've done all you can enjoy the process and just accept it and that's what I do and then that calms me down and gets me out of my head and how do you rev yourself up five minutes to go like Roy Keane no I'll

58:27 - 58:40

I'll sometimes when I meditate I'll yawn loads and like my eyes stream with water do you ever have that I don't know if you meditate it's like a weird release of stress my whoop goes off the chart I'm basically dead I'm not human I'm not human discharge everywhere

58:40 - 58:54

you're just pouring out of everywhere so I'll do that till about quarter past seven and then quarter past seven to half seven I'll get dressed do my hair and I'll listen to some music that's quite chilled that slowly gets a bit more upbeat Nora Jones Nora Jones

58:54 - 59:08

not Nora Jones no so I always pick away on my last arena tour for the podcast with Parenting Hell which was very intimidating I listened to this song called Silk and Leather by Good Cop Bad Cop and it just was a nice calm song but I associate that

59:08 - 59:16

with getting ready now I've I'm listening to Chapel Roan Picture of You or Picture You and it's quite nice to have stuff like a little bit of a routine that goes right

59:16 - 59:29

this is my body sort of responds to it and goes oh okay now we're going from getting dressed chilling out to getting on the road to getting up for this gig do that till about quarter to eight ten to eight and then I go and stand

59:29 - 59:41

on the side of the stage for ten fifteen minutes to listen to the music the crowd are listening to listen to them coming in and feel their energy and then my energy will match their energy by the time the show starts what music are you giving them

59:41 - 59:54

in your pre-show it's like a mixture of upbeat party it's like a wedding that isn't shit yeah it's like a wedding that's not shit but also with some indie music that I really like and then some other songs that I like that are current and poppy

59:54 - 1:00:06

because I have a real mix from like fifteen up to sixty or seventy so I have like Billy Ocean Red Light Spells Danger which when you hear it you're like fuck this is a banger but then I'll also have like Chapel Roan and Dua Lipa or Taylor Swift

1:00:06 - 1:00:16

and those kind of ones and then middle ground ones of like a bit of a way or Arctic Monkeys and you know like Erasure and those sort of songs that are just absolute bangers when you hear them but you sort of semi forget that you know them

1:00:16 - 1:00:32

that everyone loves The mistake I've been making on this tour is I just play the Beatles Let It Be album which has got loads of bangers on it but it also has Across the Universe on it because I just let them roll there's a point where

1:00:32 - 1:00:45

the stage manager's like alright you ready to go on and they put the house lights down and I know what's about words are flowing and I know what's about like endless raider to a paper cup and people are like what the hell is this

1:00:45 - 1:01:00

but I sort of enjoy that because sometimes you go thank you very much good night and the person puts the music up don't let me down and you're like this was perfect Yeah and I don't like the music being in the same order every night

1:01:00 - 1:01:09

I always get them to put it on shuffle to change it up slightly but I have a bank of like an hour and a half of songs that I'd be happy to be played as they come in that makes you feel excited to sort of be there

1:01:09 - 1:01:21

Do you have a peek at them through the curtain? I know you get the energy back off them but sometimes it's good to know where the if there's a balcony and where the balconies are So I'll peek out the side to see like who's in the front row

1:01:21 - 1:01:30

because sometimes I like chatting to them but it gets too dark so if you get a bit of an idea of who they are then when you just see the silhouette you've built half the picture in your head before it goes dark

1:01:30 - 1:01:42

so I'll have a peek at them see them coming in listen to them also if there's a big backdrop I'll stand like really close to the backdrop like I'm almost on the stage Yeah but I'm not just to be stood there and feel it

1:01:42 - 1:01:51

of how it's going to be in a bit before I go out and stuff like that it might be all bollocks but it's just stuff that sort of I feel like if I've got that you can't like hide away in a room listening to nothing

1:01:51 - 1:02:03

and then jump out you've got to meet them in the middle somewhere you know there's a lot because it's 2,000 people in a room up for a night out it's like if you think about that too much it'll send you sideways so I'll try and feel it

1:02:03 - 1:02:16

rather than think it God do I sound like a complete wanker No No no no Actually we've talked to loads of people about the art of comedy and I think this is you've articulated it really really well actually and I have very limited experience like the Guardian

1:02:16 - 1:02:29

we do football we do live shows we've done the Hackney Empire it's like quite a lot of people but like we're not there to be funny right that's a bonus we're obviously trying to be funny because who isn't but like it's not like this isn't the reason

1:02:29 - 1:02:40

for being there necessarily I think it is but there's a kind of get out There's not a pressure if you say a point there doesn't have to be a laugh at the end it can just be like oh yeah Carabao Cup is harder to win yeah exactly

1:02:40 - 1:02:55

but you sort of move towards the last but I always think with actually not just live shows that I've done but like with every radio show I've ever done or TV show or anything if the first 10 seconds is good yeah or first 20 seconds is good doesn't matter

1:02:55 - 1:03:06

you're like okay we're on it's good bang done and I never like think about what me and Charlie or me and Barry are going to do on the radio we just start we just fall on air and go alright this is fine and I don't know

1:03:06 - 1:03:17

if you feel the same if you know like the start is if the first gag goes you're like okay you've won already or is it not or do you not feel like that yes and no because you can get a gauge of like how the gig's

1:03:17 - 1:03:28

going to go but I think sometimes it's good to have an opening line but I think it's good also to be loose of it because this room may not need that line at this point or not necessarily a planned line it's just like is the first bit work

1:03:28 - 1:03:39

then you're fine because then you're not you're like you're going downhill you're not going uphill yeah you need that confidence you need that that first big laugh gives you the confidence to sort of go on I think that's why I still do a bit of crowd work

1:03:39 - 1:03:49

because if you can prove to them you can be funny off the cuff with the people coming in they go fucking hell he's on it here kind of thing for me I like to try and keep it loose but

1:03:49 - 1:04:01

I know what you're saying once you go on it just works just get going and once the fence 10 seconds good you know it'll be a good gig but I've tried a lot more to break the whole show up to be like sometimes you do a line

1:04:01 - 1:04:10

and it didn't go well you can go oh god this is going to be a gig where it doesn't go well and then you do the next one but you're going into the next line feeling shit you go oh god and another one oh god

1:04:10 - 1:04:21

this is a bad and you create a narrative of a gig but actually it's a series of like sort of moments every 20-30 seconds that if you can and it's very hard to get out your head and just go right

1:04:21 - 1:04:31

even if that did go well forget it now there's a new one and the same for when it doesn't go well like a great centre forward yeah exactly you're just trying to exist in those moments and that way it doesn't drag you down if it ain't going well

1:04:31 - 1:04:40

but I know if it's a good gig the first time I look at my watch I don't know if you do this David where like you go on sometimes you do a few jokes you look at your watch and it's like 6 minutes past 8 and you're like

1:04:40 - 1:04:59

fuck off that 6 minutes I swear it was nearly the end I don't wish for this to turn into a real nerdy stand up thing it's too late for that I supported Rich Hall when I was in my 20s and he said to me one night

1:04:59 - 1:05:16

and I didn't understand it but I understand it now 20 years later he said at some point you become funnier than the jokes as in when you're starting off you're like ok I've got these 10 jokes I've got to say them all and not go in the middle of them

1:05:16 - 1:05:33

but after some point and it's years in you're a vibe and in fact all the people are there to see as the vibe of you and your job is to be the vibe really I couldn't agree more Rich Hall's a genius he's unbelievable and so understated

1:05:33 - 1:05:47

with how talented and knowledgeable he is but for me that's the material is secondary because what we're trying to do as comedians is we're funny people in a room with people and we form connections and we can connect in a pub and say certain things

1:05:47 - 1:05:57

and know what they want to hear to make them laugh and then a tour show is essentially monetising that connection it's not about the lines and such isn't it it's a way that we can get as many people in as possible to do that

1:05:57 - 1:06:08

and then we get paid so it's about that connection with the audience and it's trying to find that connection that's the hardest that's why a comedian is always like a low ceiling or the crowd really close to you it's like you want to connect with them

1:06:08 - 1:06:23

but it's trying to find that connection and then once you've got that you're giving them you and then the actual lines and the joke is almost secondary so do you come on stage and go I'm just monetising this fun guys and they're like yes take more take more

1:06:23 - 1:06:35

take more take more well no I'd do it anyway I used to do it for no money but if I can do it and get paid it helps doesn't it totally okay so the interval like do you eat anything drink anything what's that 20 minutes or just lie there

1:06:35 - 1:06:47

I hate the interval I'm just desperate to get back on basically like I know they need it because they need a wee and a drink and it's actually good to give the show a bit of like you die if you did an hour and a half straight through

1:06:47 - 1:06:55

everyone would be bored shitless so I'm aware you need it but I'm just sitting there going can we go again yet can we go again yet I try not to look at my phone in case the kid's ill or something and it's distracting you know what I mean

1:06:55 - 1:07:09

or you read the news I don't want to put adolescence on for 10 minutes and go back out so you're trying to keep your head empty as well as on track so I find that hard I've failed so much so badly I end up literally looking at

1:07:09 - 1:07:21

a life hack video of how to clean grout in a bathroom but then you mention it in the second half whatever you do in that interval I just try to look at the bullet points so what I mention is something I already know that works

1:07:21 - 1:07:29

because that's the danger when you go on tour you get too relaxed and you just chat shit because you're too confident in the vibe the vibe does need punchlines as well

1:07:29 - 1:07:39

sometimes so you go out do the second half gig's done now what's happening so come off get changed and then go downstairs there's a couple of people at the stage door wanting a few pictures okay

1:07:39 - 1:07:52

are you all head down playing Bubble Crush going fuck off no it's Ryland and Tom Allen both there Ryland and Tom Allen's there no so a few people want pictures have a couple of pictures and then we walk back to the hotel because the traffic's so bad

1:07:52 - 1:08:03

and it's an eight minute walk so we walk to the hotel and then I had some friends a friend Emmett J Scanlon the actor from Kin Peaky Blinders I met him on a show ages ago and he came to the gig so he came with his mates

1:08:03 - 1:08:17

so then I met him for a drink in the Lowry after the show and had a catch up and then this is where he gets quite stellar street with the celebs spotting Josie Mourinho is still living in that hotel he comes down in his dress again

1:08:17 - 1:08:27

that was mental no so I'm there with Emmett and his friends and then Tom Allen comes downstairs and starts having a drink with AJ Adu Du the TV presenter who's the big brother and then

1:08:27 - 1:08:41

out of nowhere Michael Ball turns up well of course he does love changes everything I was like what the fuck's going on here this is great Michael Ball turns up and starts having a chat with Tom Allen and AJ Adu Du some spring rolls

1:08:41 - 1:08:53

come out of the bar kitchen are these for you and then Michael Ball's like no they're my spring rolls so he takes his spring rolls so that's going on and then Ryland was walking past and then this morning at breakfast Freddie Flintoff walked in because he's here

1:08:53 - 1:09:06

with the cricket team I'm afraid we don't care about today it's mental I couldn't believe it I was like I'm like of all the days for this to happen I'm like the right knob on the podcast okay so you sit in a hotel

1:09:06 - 1:09:18

how late are you in there how many drinks come on that's what he really wants to know so two rum and cokes with them we have a chat nice lads blah blah blah then they leave about half eleven-ish I go up at the room

1:09:18 - 1:09:30

because the hotel I'm in are having a power cut between 1am and 5am to fix the electrics so there's going to be no electrics I'm like okay that's fine so I go back to my room at 12 I have a quick shower because I'm a bit sweaty

1:09:30 - 1:09:46

from a long day in the gig and then when I'm in the shower at 10 past 12 supposed to be 1am at 10 past 12 power goes amazing wow our first ever power cut so I'm in the shower naked dripping wet power cut get the towel get my phone light basically

1:09:46 - 1:09:59

get dry find myself to my bed get my iPad out I've got enough charge I'm fine I'll survive the power cut so my day ended and my my new day started obviously I'd had a shower all the lights were on in the room power cut

1:09:59 - 1:10:22

so I get into bed at 10 past 5am everything goes on air con at full blast every night I hadn't drawn the curtains because I couldn't find them it was mental Michael Ball screaming from the room next door oh god every light goes on I'm like like that

1:10:22 - 1:10:35

my whoops got off the chart I'm at a high stress zone 5.10am so that's how the day ended what a 23 hours amazing can I just ask I used to have to go to Sydney a lot to do the Champions League at a young age

1:10:35 - 1:10:48

at a young baby at the time and quite often Jamie well within her rights would just I'd get whatsapps like how's your really quiet hotel room oh what's for dinner and I'd be like I've just gone to get a Thai oh how's your Thai meal on your own

1:10:48 - 1:11:02

without a baby and completely understandably do you get because you've just been in India now you've got five days is Lou going and because obviously because your job is like when I go away to the football weekly tour I'm basically just getting pissed on stage talking about football

1:11:02 - 1:11:16

and like I can't Jamie knows as opposed to getting pissed at home talking about days but Jamie knows that my job is fun like I like it so I can't be like oh it's another I've had a tough day at work it's been awful well it's sort of

1:11:16 - 1:11:26

feast and famine for me and Lou where like this year is an incredibly intense year with the touring but then like I'm having the whole of August off so it's like we book trips like she goes away with her friends and stuff like that

1:11:26 - 1:11:35

so she's up against it a bit this year but obviously it's worth it as a family so it's just that balance really and she's aware I'm aware of it it doesn't make it easier and the kids understand it but I do have lots of block of time off

1:11:35 - 1:11:47

so I work quite intense and then I have quite a lot of time off and I'm not going to tour this big for quite a few years after this tour finishes like middle of 2026 and I think I'm probably going to have a five, six year break like

1:11:47 - 1:12:00

and do other stuff just so I'm around for the kids in their teenage years and then go again when they're a little bit older so I'll still gig and do like London and local gigs and charity gigs but I don't think I'll tour this intensely

1:12:00 - 1:12:09

if my TV work is still as intense do you know what I mean so I'm going to drop that out a little bit I think in my experience quite often TV work gets less intense but

1:12:09 - 1:12:20

well exactly so it might go the other way and I'll be straight back out on the road but yeah if I can get away with it I want to be at home as much as I can Rob you've just given Max an idea Max returns to the

1:12:20 - 1:12:34

from the shed having recorded this Jamie I'm going to take six years off right now that's the plan I'll still work but just not as like five nights a week away flight three months in a row you know oh well Rob thank you so much great day

1:12:34 - 1:12:51

the most celeb-filled day I'd say the most that's happened in a day it was we picked a fucking great day by the way great day you want to hear some of the absolute dud days that me and Max have had to try and knit some sort of

1:12:51 - 1:13:16

a woolly jumper out of Nish Kumar just shat and lay on the sofa for six hours well that explains how he plays football on a Tuesday Rob Beckett thanks so much for doing it thank you Rob brilliant thanks guys so what a day hey David

1:13:16 - 1:13:35

so many celeb spots he's like a celeb magnet I like Ryland Michael Ball and someone from Peaky Blinders it's a good selection of celebs to meet I don't go on about it but that's what my life is like constantly there's always a presenter always someone from a musical

1:13:35 - 1:13:52

Elaine Page or Barbara Dixon yeah someone like that or Mr. Mistoffelees is there someone from a top top TV show then as well but I just I don't know I just don't tell you about it you don't talk about it well it's interesting yesterday

1:13:52 - 1:14:13

when I was just pushing young Willie Rushden around at the pram I bumped into on just one small loop Trevor McDonald what Rusty Lee and the bass player from Tapow it was quite the day but sadly we didn't record a midweek mayhem because we only do that

1:14:13 - 1:14:30

on a Tuesday and so it's just my Monday again so I can't tell you about what happened there even the dream celebs you pretend to have met are also dreadfully yesteryear and mundane and that's why I respect you we've talked a lot about the art of comedy

1:14:30 - 1:14:45

and I'm generally more interested in you know what make it their toothbrushes and when they last went to the toilet but I thought he was very articulate about that part of his day I enjoyed that bit yeah a lot of elements to that day so many

1:14:45 - 1:15:00

there was almost three sections to the day you had the radio you had the afternoon and then you had a gig in the evening here's the thing two things comedians always on trains always and

1:15:00 - 1:15:17

apart from you they're all just using things to keep themselves healthy have I backed the wrong horse have I backed the wrong horse the only one who's just eating and drinking like the rest of us or maybe all our listeners have a whoop attached and you know

1:15:17 - 1:15:31

are only eating broccoli like maybe it's just us this is why you keep sending me all of these supplements and all of this fitness equipment because you don't want me to keel over and then

1:15:31 - 1:15:45

the podcast to end well we're in it for life but I think like I I'm happy that if if I die you can carry it on and if you die I'll carry it on and we just have to find the most sort of like for like replacement

1:15:45 - 1:16:05

it's not gonna be the same no it would be different yeah I might get Osman Osman could anchor this do you think he's not like for like is he not really who's like for like for you I need someone who can really present the shit out of anything

1:16:05 - 1:16:20

Rick Edwards 90s based okay yeah Rick Edwards probably works if you have any idea who in the event of Max's death I could replace him with drop us a line and vice versa it's vice versa because I don't want to just say Chris O'Dowd like I just

1:16:20 - 1:16:34

don't want to just say that or Barry the Irish guy that you do your football stuff with yes Barry Glendenning it's been raised several times that you need an Irish person to co-host everything you do yeah me and

1:16:34 - 1:16:54

Bertie Hearn did a quite unsuccessful even that reference a prime minister from the 90s I love it Max you always come up with the goods if you want to get in touch with the show here's how to get in touch with the show you can email us at

1:16:54 - 1:17:14

whatdidyoudoyesterdaypod at gmail.com follow us on Instagram at yesterdaypod and please subscribe and leave a review if you liked it on your preferred podcast platform and if you didn't please don't and that'll do for today thanks David thank you for doing this podcast I had a nice time

1:17:14 - 1:17:18

I had a nice time I can't wait to do it again soon bye Max see ya

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