S2 EP16: Nadia Shireen

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Podcasts, there are millions of them. Some might say too many. I have one already.

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I don't have any, because there are enough. Politics, business, sport, you name it, there's a podcast about it, and they all ask the big questions and cover the hot topics of the day.

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But nobody is covering the most important topic of all. Why is that? Are they scared?

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Too afraid of being censored by the man? Possibly, but not us. We're here to ask the only question that matters.

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We try and say it at the same time, Max. What did you do yesterday?

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What did you do yesterday? That's it. All we're interested in is what the guests got up to yesterday.

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Nothing more. Day before yesterday, Max? Nope. The greatest and most interesting day of your life?

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Unless it was yesterday, we don't want to know about it. I'm Max Rushden. And I'm David O'Doherty.

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Welcome to What Did You Do Yesterday? Hello, and welcome to What Did You Do Yesterday?

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This is exciting, David. Another of your bookings. You have a friend who is a real person, is not a comedian.

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Yeah. And people have said, get somebody who isn't a comedian. Just find someone. You know, I found a footballer.

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You found an author. You find someone who doesn't just wander around the streets, you know, frantically saying things to their phone that might be funny, talks about how much.

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Rent in Edinburgh is, and then, you know, buggers off to Melbourne for a month and then repeats this for the rest of their life.

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You know, an actual person, David. Our guest today is one of the great children's authors.

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I would say around at the moment, her name is Nadia Shireen. I mean, you might know her from a series of books you should get for your nieces and nephews called Grimwood.

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Barbara throws a wobbler. Sounds like I'm making up all of these books. Genuinely, Barbara throws a wobbler is my favorite picture book of the last few years.

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She hosts the Island of Brilliant podcast with Frank Cottrell Boyce. So she's up there.

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She gets the respect in the biz. Yeah. I thought I would ask her on, find out what she did yesterday that as you say, won't involve eating a Nando's at that doing a gig.

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I actually didn't think the gig went that well, blah, blah, blah. It won't be like, here's the, the art of comedy.

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What I really understand about the art of car. Why did it wind it in the rest of you?

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Here's a real person. And you know, for the tape we have just recorded the bath sequences.

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Beautiful. It's beautiful. Here is what Nadia Shireen did yesterday. Nadia Shireen, welcome to what did you do yesterday?

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Thank you so much. This is very exciting because this is proof that David knows someone who isn't officially a standup comedian.

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It's the only person he knows that doesn't spend their life living out of a bag playing Chichester.

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Unless that's what you did yesterday. I mean, look, there's, there's a tiny bit of that, but no, I'm not a standup comedian.

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I mean, no offense, David, but standup comedians are weird people. Yeah. Look, I thought I would ask you to do it.

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And thank you very much. Thank you very much for doing it because, you know, your books are so wonderful and magical and you bring joy to the lives of children.

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It feels really sarcastic. So I would imagine the day is like hanging around a riverbank waiting to see a kingfisher and write a poem.

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Oh, maybe it is. Maybe it is. I do make children's books. That's true. I think a mistake that people make with people that write children's books is that they are nice people who have picnics with bears and bunnies.

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The truth is we've all got hunchbacks. We're really bitter. You're a total arsehole. We're awful people.

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We are the only people worse than us. Authors in general, children's book authors, sidebar, are stand-up comedians.

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They're the only people who are worse, I think. Because I would have said the only people worse than stand-up comedians to hang out with are DJs, sort of commercial radio,

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because it's all, how'd she get that gig? How'd he get that gig? What's the story?

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You know, there's a lot of that sort of chat, as opposed, as opposed to the joy of the magic and wonder.

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Maybe that's all creative industries, though. I reckon people are like that in telly, don't you think?

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I am professionally jealous of everybody. Are you? Yeah. I watch every show thinking I could do that.

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I was watching a reality show, Peter Serafinovich, you know, who I'm a big fan of, is like hosting a sort of reality show where he is like a butler-y type.

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It's sort of, I think it's like the traitors. I've not seen it. And I was like, I could be a butler-y, you could be a butler-person.

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Hoovering away for living in a castle. It's funny because I did see you, because my phone's listening to me, Max, sometimes your clips on other things you do just pop up on my socials,

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as we say. And it was you interviewing a woman who had been on a plane where midway through the flight, another woman had tried to open the door because she wasn't happy with the seat she'd been put in.

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Oh my God. Are you serious? No. So I occasionally, Nadia, I host a show called The Project in Australia.

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It's a bit like The One Show. It's called A Lot of Gear Changes. And there was a story where a woman had tried to open the door because she was in a middle seat and she wasn't happy about it.

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I'm saying that's fair enough. Well, that's what I said on the show, but they clipped that bit out of the Instagram.

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I don't know why. Anyway, none of this matters. Nadia, we need to find out about your day.

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When did you wake up yesterday? So I, I woke up, I mean, it was interesting because am I allowed to let light in on magic?

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I didn't know I was doing this at the beginning of yesterday. We like these bookings.

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Yeah, it's pure. So you woke up in a golden blade in your magical tree house where you take your page.

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Well, kind of. I woke up being sort of patted awake by animals. That is true.

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I'm so glad that yesterday was yesterday because normally it would be wake up seven o'clock, quite boring, sun to school, sit at my desk, the end.

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But, it's the Easter holidays. All bets are off. All bets are off. The whole day of the kids.

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There are no rules. So anyway, yesterday, my son, so I'm divorced and my son sometimes stays with his dad who lives 10 minutes down the road.

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So I had a lion. Oh, wow. Which was amazing. I had a lion. It was the best thing ever.

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So I didn't wake up until about nine ish. But patted awake by animals? I was being patted awake by, I have three cats, which is maybe a problematic, number of cats,

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but I have three cats and they were wondering why I hadn't come down to open the packets because I'm chief packet opener.

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That's what they see me as. Hang on. Packet as in Amazon packages, things they've ordered.

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Oh, sorry. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I don't. Yeah. It's not heroin, David. It's probably Sheba.

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Let's be real. It's whiskers. It's whiskers. Nadia, James Acaster has more than three cats.

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Does he? What's wrong with him then? His are all different personalities of cat. He has one that's the enormous cat.

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That's like the missing link between a house cat and a lion. Yeah. And then he has another one that looks like a Brexit voter that lives in the Costa del Sol's ball bag.

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One of those ones where you have to rub cream into it. Oh no. It's a hairless cat.

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Yes. I love all cats apart from hairless cats. Yeah, I know. It's a tough job.

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No one loves a hairless cat. What are yours? So mine is, I've got a lady ginger cat.

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She's quite big. She hates everyone and everything. She's called Cookie Monster. She's about 11. She came as a pair, but her brother, Elmo, God rest his soul.

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Oh no. Went to live on a farm a couple of years ago. Good. Not yesterday.

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Yeah, no, a couple of years ago. And then Halloween of last year, two kittens, brother and sister kittens came to live with me and they're called, Moose, who's the boy and Pickle,

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who's the girl. And they're great. They're six months old now. When you say they're called.

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Yeah. You did give them those names. They didn't arrive and introduce themselves. They actually arrived with much posher names.

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They came from like a posh house. Oh, what were they called? So Moose was originally called Micklemas.

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Solid, solid. The Oxbridge term system. The other one was Lent. There we are. And Pickle was, what was she called?

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She was called like Fajita. Virginia or something like that. I know. They were named after plants in this nice lady's garden.

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So she went Micklemas and Virginia. And so as soon as we got them in the car.

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You're Dave and you're Brian and suck it up. All right. Exactly. Have a what's it.

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And it's whiskers now. Yeah. Exactly. Okay. So how long do these, how long do these cats sort of pet you or do they fall asleep on you?

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I mean, there's nothing like a cat just lying on you and purring. And I have, my parents, my parents had cats.

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I haven't had one since. And I willow sprog Orlando and tinkle. They've all gone to live on a farm.

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But you know, that is a thing that I miss. So the nice thing is so cookie monster loves me, but is she's just a hateful creature.

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So she'll kind of sit by my feet and I'll know she's there because she'll start growling.

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The minute the kittens come in. Does she hate the kittens? She hates the kittens.

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The kittens are just balls of light. They're so friendly. They're really affectionate. They love life.

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They love me. They sit on me. I was lying on my side and they kind of perch on my shoulder and meow and come up and they give me kisses.

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They're just delightful. And are they constantly trying to impress cookie monster who just doesn't give a shit?

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Yeah. Right. They've been trying to impress her for a while. Now Moose, the boy just literally jumps up and tries to tap her head just to see what happens.

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And she punches right back. So mainly I was kind of slipping in and out of consciousness with growls and hisses.

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And then the sound of things, crashing in because they're very hyperactive, running into things, tipping things over.

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And I thought I just better get up just to calm this situation down. It's not dissimilar to Max when Max wakes up because he has a three year old and a 10 week old.

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Oh yeah. Oh my gosh. Someone is screaming. Yeah. There's vomit everywhere. Max is meanwhile, is trying to get back to sleep a lot of the time.

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There's no point. No, I know there's no point. There's just what there is Nadia.

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It's mainly sadness. I know I've been there. I've been there. Max. The good news is it won't really go now.

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That sadness for years. And I know I'm ready for each part of the journey.

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There's enough happiness within the sadness. I suppose I'm slightly, you know, I'm slightly conscious that people bollocking on about how much they love their kids is like, I just can't hear it.

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I'd like to think the listeners know that there is a level of real, real love there.

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Yes. But there is also such an extreme tiredness that superficially, as in how it manifests itself 24 hours a day, seven days a week is sadness.

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Is sadness. We've never spoken about this before. This is really interesting. Oh, Max. Happiness within the sadness is.

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So I have this thing, Nadia, that because this podcast comes out on a Sunday, I imagine everyone I'm seeing that day with headphones on is listening to it.

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They are. Of course they are. For this one, I'll, I'll know that they're all just tears running down their cheeks.

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Because I get it. I get the sadness that Max is having because you say Sunday.

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And for, I guess those without kids, Sunday's like, oh, lying, lazy breakfast, papers, bank holidays have meaning.

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Holidays have meaning. And when your kids are as small as the ones Max have, those things mean nothing.

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They scoff at the calendar. Nothing means anything. Nothing means anything. My Sunday is quite busy.

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I have to spray water on a mushroom that is growing in a cupboard. In your underwear.

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Thank you. And then I've recently planted rosemary out and I've got a, so don't think I don't have jobs to do.

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Oh, listen to you. Listen to you. Rosemary doesn't need any attention, David. It's a plant that exists on neglect.

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So I'm not surprised you've got some. So we'll move on. So you've got to go down and open those packets.

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I shuffle downstairs. I open the packet. And I make a cup of tea. I have to have a cup of tea in the morning.

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Controversial. It's not controversial, is it? It's very basic. English breakfast. Earl Grey. What are we talking?

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Yeah, normal. Normal. One of your Earl Greys. PG tips. PG tips. I went to Yorkshire Gold for a bit.

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Don't really see the difference. Strong. I like a strong cup of tea. I'll have the tea bag sitting in there for a while.

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Don't put lots of milk in my tea. Don't put the milk in first. To our Irish listeners, just listen to this.

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Some people having these bland opinions on different teas. There's one thing that defines my people.

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It's very, very strong opinions on tea bags. And there are two main Irish brands, Barry's and Lyons.

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And you make a decision early in your life and you stick to it. And if you happen to drink a Lyons when you're a Barry's person, you spit it out across the room and you cry and go and live under the stairs for a month.

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All right, I'll commit then. I know about Barry's. I'm Barry's. Because I went and stayed at someone's house.

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They would only drink Barry's. And I was like, yeah, this is good. So I would say PG tips then.

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Fine, PG tips. It's just that everyone started telling me that Yorkshire, ooh, not Yorkshire, Yorkshire Gold.

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And I was like, is it? It's not that great. I think we don't want, the aim of this podcast isn't to force people into big life decisions.

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That's just what he did. Yeah, you were slightly provoked into having to make a life decision there.

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I like to sit on the fence, Max. Because I just think, hey, you know, I'm just that kind of person.

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David, push me over the fence. Yeah. Right, so you have, okay, yes, David. No, no.

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Come on, David, what? I think we'll just bracket that section off. We try and keep this podcast under four hours.

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Tight, tight, tight, tight. I know, we're still on my morning cup of tea. This is pathetic.

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Right, so I have tea, little bit of milk, and I have a little, not even a teaspoon, I would say a third of a teaspoon of honey in my tea.

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Okay, you've lost me. I've got a sweet tooth, and I'm really trying to wean myself off having anything in my tea.

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Okay, so at its peak, you know, Bob Mortimer was about, I made him a cup of tea once, I think it was like 12 sugars.

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It was like something amazing. It was like to the point where you were like, these will stop dissolving soon.

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So what was your peak of? Oh, this is going to sound pathetic now. I mean, one, but it wasn't outrageous.

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And that was years ago. I've been having honey in my tea for a few years.

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Okay. I think it gives it a little sweetness, but enhances the tea. I think what it is, is you've read too many A.A. Milne books, and you want to bring the wonder of Winnie the Pooh to your writings.

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Well, a little bear does come along with the honey strapped to its head. And it does a little bow, and it says, Milady, your honey.

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And that's how I get the honey for my tea. Fair enough. Also, I didn't tell you how I went downstairs.

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I'm carried by little bluebirds. They lift me. Wow. And they carry me downstairs like Snow White.

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All right. We've had a cup of tea. What flavour is the – because cat food is so disgusting.

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I don't know. As soon as you open it, you're like, oh. It's like animal flavour.

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It's like fish flavour, I guess. Mouse, mouse flavour. Why don't they make mouse-flavoured cat food?

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Yeah, that's a good point. That's a fair enough point. I'm going to write that down.

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Raise that, please. Okay, we'll – We'll take it to the man. You guys know people.

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I know that you guys know people. So just ask why they're not rat-slash-mouse-flavoured cat food because that's a win-win.

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In terms of what to do with rat meat. Yeah, you catch the rats because I know around where you live, there's the old rat catcher and he has a big net.

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In Brighton. Yeah, in Brighton. In Brighton, there's a rat catcher on a unicycle. Yeah, probably.

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He's a barista. Yeah, and he's a barista and he's also just working on some stuff, vague stand-up stuff.

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It's nothing – you know, it's kind of like semi-autobiographical but it has – He's got jokes in and he's a rat catcher.

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Sure. Okay, so the cats are fed, you've had a cup of tea. Are you in a dressing gown?

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I'm in loungewear. As someone who works from home, a lot of my life is spent in loungewear, like leisure wear.

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Good. So I'll sleep in like a sweatshirt, you know, I'll get up and maybe eventually have a shower and then change into a clean sweatshirt.

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Is that okay? That's fine. I haven't showered yet today and it's 8.13 p.m. Yeah, yeah, there's no rigorous kind of thing here You won't greet the – I mean, we're spring now.

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I mean, we can say that you and I are. Max is drudging into the autumn right now.

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Yeah, but autumn in Australia is not real, is it really? No, it's not real.

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It's not real. It wasn't real today. No, it's not real. Will you go out and take the sun on your face, though?

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So, yeah, normally I probably would, but yesterday I actually had a slightly unusual thing.

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I had a boxing session happening at midday. With Frank Brunner? With Frank Brunner. With Frank Brunner.

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It's very exciting. It's boring. So I knew that was going to happen. So as a result, I kind of made my tea and I had a bit of cereal and yoghurt and I took both back up to bed where I decided to kind of,

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like Winston Churchill, just conduct the morning in bed. So do some emails, eat, have my tea in bed, and then get up to go and do that thing.

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Question. Are you under the – because I find once I'm up, I don't want to get back into bed.

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I never. I never have that problem. Under the duvet feels a bit sort of hot.

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I know what you mean. Yeah, no, I happily go on top of the duvet at that point.

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You're on top of the duvet. Give the duvet a shake, make it nice, pump up the pillows and then like lie on the duvet.

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Okay. And how many pillows? Because you've got to be 90 degrees, haven't you, really, especially for a bowl of cereal.

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So I have two standard pillows, but I also have like this long bolster cushion that I have in bed with me because sometimes if I'm on my side, I like to wrap, you know,

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have a raised leg upon. On the bolster. It's very comfortable. It's very comfortable. You've really thought this through.

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Well, I first got one when I was up the spout years ago. Right. Yeah.

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And I've never turned back because it's a nice thing to have. So I kind of fold that behind me.

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So I'm really upright. Now, is the boxing match looming? Your title bout against Jen Brister for the lightweight crown of Brighton.

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Do you have to do some online vids where you're like, Jen Brister, you are going to need 10 plumbers to sort you out when I'm finished with you at 12.

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Do you not think I'd be a scary presence? Do you not think I could psych out an opponent?

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Is that what you're saying? With hand puppets. Yeah. Children's book illustrator psyching out an opponent for boxing.

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Are you going to smash her head in? Yes, I am. It's a tricky one because I know boxing is not wrestling, but there's never been a wrestler that is the children's writer and

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illustrator. Yeah. Well, I'm going for, I'm an innovator. In many ways. Look, it's not a boxing match.

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And I knew I was like, I'm going to come in for some stick here.

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It's like a boxing session for fitness. Sure. Is it just you and one other person or is it sort of boxer size where you're running around, like just throwing your wrist?

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So I've only just started, right? It's only my second session. Right. Okay. And it's like in a tiny, tiny gym with one trainer.

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And the first time I did it, there were like six people there. And she made us do stuff like run around a little bit, but it's not a big gym, so there's not much room to run around.

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And then we had to do punching and holding pads. Whoa, have you got gloves on?

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Yeah. It's not bare knuckle boxing. Yeah. Hands up who's never been to a boxing.

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Yes, we have gloves on you. Well, I know. Do you have head guards? Do you have gum shields?

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When you sock someone, is there a moment where it goes slow-mo and their gum shield shoots out and the trainer drops onto the canvas?

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One, two. There's no canvas. We're just in like a little gym. It's like someone's living room.

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No, it's better than a living room. I don't think David's done one of these classes.

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To be fair, I have only done, I mean, this is my second. So I'm not, I'm new to the world of exercise.

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I'm a very sedentary person that likes potatoes. And I've just come to a point in my life now where I've been, you know, gently tapped on the shoulder and told you've got to do some exercise and

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lay off the spuds. What's your ring walk tune? Does a Orinoco flow play while you walk?

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And they're like, Nadia, Shereen. Orinoco flow would be when I did live at the Apollo.

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It's a popular BBC comedy show. They said, what music do you want to walk on to?

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And I said, Orinoco flow. They had to pay some large amount of money to end you.

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Of course they did. Because she lives in a castle with her wolves. She does live in a castle.

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That's true. Not that far from me. And I've paid for some of that castle.

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Wow. Did that come out of your fee? Did that come out of your fee?

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They say, right, Lula, you're doing this. You're doing the Apollo. You know, we'll give you five grand.

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But if you want Orinoco flow, Enya's getting three. Of course she is. Yeah. Does Enya get part of the proceeds of this podcast?

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Only if we sing a bit of it now. Have you ever met Enya? No one's ever met Enya.

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Come on. Enya doesn't exist. I'd love to meet Enya. You can get the feeling of Enya if you put your foot in a Dyson Airblade.

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That's as close as any of us will ever get to meeting Enya. Sorry, we skipped over.

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Max, this is what I wanted to say, David. You're on the bed. Boxing hasn't happened yet.

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What's the cereal? Sorry, what's the cereal? Right, this ties in. Normally, it would have been those clusters with bits of nuts and air.

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To be fair, it's like eating a pudding, isn't it? It's like eating dessert. I've had to knock those on the head.

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Cereal-wise, I'm trying out this new cereal. It's a high-protein cereal. It's not grape nuts, is it?

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That's like gravel in a box. It's not grape nuts. No, they've invented this. It's like a chocolatey hoop cereal.

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If you look at Instagram after this, it will be advertised because of the algos, right?

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So it's a new cereal, and it's very high-protein, low-sugar, like chocolate hoops. And do you know what?

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It's not bad. It's kind of nice. I have it with some Greek yogurt, some berries, and some nuts.

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Do you know what I thought you would have had for breakfast? A giant peach brought to you by a thousand seagulls.

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Nadia, do you think David's going to do that for the whole episode? Yeah, I do.

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Yeah, okay. I do. This is why David's career in children's books lies in tatters, right?

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In tatters because of the contempt. I'm very successful. I'm very successful. Are you? Prove it.

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Where are the awards? Show me the awards. Oh, listen to JK Rowling here. Can't see any.

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Come on. Show me the awards. Yeah, I haven't done the awards. So I can't show you my awards.

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Do you know what? I once won the Sony Radio Award for breaking news for BBC London's coverage of the, there was an earthquake in like Maida Vale in like 2004, like a tiny earthquake.

24:13 - 24:21

And I was part of the news team, but for the whole of the coverage, because it happened in the afternoon, I went to the morning, I was at the cinema watching a Denzel Washington

24:21 - 24:26

film, but it didn't stop me sticking that on the CV when I needed a CV.

24:26 - 24:31

Breaking news. Missed the whole thing. Missed the whole. Earthquake. Enjoyed the movie. Had some pick and mix.

24:31 - 24:39

Sony gold. You came out blinking into the sunlight. Exactly. What's happened? Another award. Yeah, there we go.

24:39 - 24:47

Well, as if we needed any more proof that awards are a sham. Well, you say that, but let's just say you're in the running for what did you do yesterday?

24:47 - 24:52

Children's author of the year. And we'll be announcing it at the end. It's a short list of two.

24:52 - 24:58

You and me. Yeah. Hang on. My wife has a book out. So remember, Jamie's awesome.

24:58 - 25:03

I was a bit of a screw up there, wasn't it, David? Your co-host just dissing his wife.

25:03 - 25:12

Yeah, I know. Shocking. You bastard. I know. When do you start doing, writing your magical next tome?

25:12 - 25:20

Is that a serious question? It sounded really sarcastic. It sounded like, I don't give a damn about your children's books.

25:20 - 25:31

I'm trying to talk in a sort of magical, like I'm doing an audio book for an old, boring, Victorian children's book that they've just reissued.

25:31 - 25:37

Okay, okay, okay. Hang on, I'm sorry, David. What? It's the line of questioning that we can't do.

25:37 - 25:45

Yeah. Nadia is on the bed, right, with her Cheerios. If she doesn't write, we can't ask her about the writing.

25:45 - 25:52

Yeah, she's got to present it to us first, and then we drill down. If she does some yesterday, that's okay.

25:52 - 25:58

Yeah, you should know that by now. I feel like you're panicking because I'm not a stand-up comedian, David, and you don't know what to do with me because I'm not a stand-up comedian.

25:58 - 26:10

So you just don't know, like, how do I talk to these people? So let me say, if I wasn't on the bed eating cereal, doing emails, what I might have done on another day is shuffle.

26:10 - 26:15

What? You don't want me to? I can't deviate. All right, well, fine. Do this.

26:15 - 26:20

Fine, fine, I won't. Focus on the brief. Everybody focus on the brief. All right, well, yesterday was a work-shy day, if I'm honest.

26:20 - 26:25

Great, great. So I can't go into my process, but that's probably good because who cares?

26:25 - 26:31

Yeah, I don't care. I want to know who you're emailing. What's the inbox? Are you going through the whole inbox or have you got a million messages?

26:31 - 26:35

So I'm kind of a big deal, Max. I don't know if you know that.

26:35 - 26:39

I'm aware of it. I'm joking. I'm not a big deal. I will prioritise the work emails.

26:39 - 26:49

So the machine keeps the turn in. So there'll be emails from PR people, from publishers saying, can you do this book festival or can you do this, can you do that?

26:49 - 26:53

So I'll be doing that kind of email. A lot of diarising, which I hate.

26:53 - 26:57

I find stressful, diarising. Did you say yes to any big festivals? You're off to Bologna.

26:57 - 27:04

What's the big one? Oh, good one. Bologna is a really good book fair, good knowledge, but it's not really, that's more industry.

27:04 - 27:09

So that's more people going. I'm more industry, that's why I know that. You're an industry guy, Max.

27:09 - 27:16

He's more a Frankfurt guy. Yeah, exactly. So you want to get involved with the sausage machine, the sausage factory.

27:16 - 27:22

Yeah, I do. Whereas I'm an artist, I'm a creative. So I just like to skip through fields and hang out with bunnies.

27:22 - 27:28

No. I mean, there were a couple of festivals. Did you agree to any yesterday in the emails?

27:28 - 27:30

They said, do you? Are you just saying politely, no, I don't want to go?

27:30 - 27:37

Or yes. No, I said yes. Chris Judge, the illustrator that I work with, and I once did the Hay Festival.

27:37 - 27:45

We did a very interactive show with the kids where we would warn them about things, awful things that could happen at birthday parties.

27:45 - 27:55

And so we would ask the audience, what did you do for your birthday? And then we would, you know, poke fun of a general improvised dance.

27:55 - 28:05

Horseplay, horseplay. However, the kids, the kids were so posh at our event. No one had a normal birthday.

28:05 - 28:12

So it was, what did you do? We looked after horses. And I was like, well, okay.

28:12 - 28:20

We just wanted someone to say they went to McDonald's or the cinema because we had loads of good gear on like went to the park, et cetera.

28:20 - 28:25

What did you do? We got to tour of the BBC. And it's like, oh my God.

28:25 - 28:34

We lived with the Maasai for six weeks at Serengeti. We went to Paris on the train.

28:34 - 28:40

No! Well, yeah. I mean, you've got to be prepared for anything. Kids are a nightmare.

28:40 - 28:49

You know, when you do events with kids, they don't care if you're sad. They'll tell you if it's boring, if they're bored or if they want to leave.

28:49 - 28:58

They'll ask what time you're going to stop. The first event I ever did when I was kind of a new, really nervous author, and there were literally five children there.

28:58 - 29:06

It was about 12 years ago. And the first question was, where's Julia Donaldson? Like, why are you here?

29:06 - 29:12

Just some random woman who's coming off the street. And some of that energy persists.

29:12 - 29:19

Yeah, I used to. But I started hosting Soccer AM and the previous host was a guy called Tim Lovejoy.

29:19 - 29:26

And I would just be walking down the street and someone would just yell out of a van, where's Lovejoy, you mug?

29:26 - 29:29

And I would just be like, I just want to be passing. And they'd be like, all right, cheers, mate.

29:29 - 29:34

Okay, so we're on the bed. We've done our emails. Now is it time for boxing?

29:34 - 29:38

Can I just say I'm concerned at the pace of that because I've got such a lot of good stuff coming up.

29:38 - 29:46

Man, you should hear about my afternoon. Now it is time for the boxing. I've been careful to hydrate, which is now what I have to call drinking water.

29:46 - 29:54

I go to this little gym and I've accidentally worn my slippers to the gym, but it's okay because I take them out and swap them with my gym shoes.

29:54 - 30:00

The boots, do you have the laced up boots? No, no, no. The trainer, is this lovely woman called Sam.

30:00 - 30:05

She's a lot younger than me, obviously. So the music is not to my taste.

30:05 - 30:13

And she knows that by the faces I pull. Right. You want acoustic, you want extreme more than words while you're punching the hell out of a bag.

30:13 - 30:18

Maybe I do. Maybe I want Enya. Good for you. I think that would be good actually.

30:18 - 30:26

No, it's kind of, it's just not my thing. It's, there's a lot of Linkin Park and then there's some kind of drum and bass.

30:26 - 30:30

It's just not for me, but it's okay. But I wish it was something different.

30:30 - 30:34

Yeah. I've had this row in gyms before where they have to put on something terrible.

30:34 - 30:38

It's like you can't. And I'd be like, why can't we just put on some like Motown?

30:38 - 30:42

Yes. Something good. Something with a tune. Some disco. Yeah, some disco. Some disco classics.

30:42 - 30:48

Put on the Supremes. Yeah. Who's not enjoying that? Put on the Beastie Boys. If you want shouting, put on the Beastie Boys.

30:48 - 30:54

Anyway, it's a lot of Linkin Park and Eminem, which I don't love. No. So the last time I had a session, there were six of us.

30:54 - 30:58

There are just two of us today. That's because you beat the shit out of them.

30:58 - 31:07

They ain't coming back. And this is only my second go. So I was a bit tentative and there's this guy there and he looks like, he's not beefy.

31:07 - 31:15

He's quite a wiry looking fella, but he looks experienced. He has got exactly. He's got on McGuigan-y air to him.

31:15 - 31:22

Right. I think he's a whippet. He's wiry. He's quick. And I still am learning how to stand like a boxer.

31:22 - 31:27

Can I just say, I cannot impress upon you enough how little I know what I'm doing.

31:27 - 31:34

We start doing shadowing. Shadow boxing, which is difficult because I feel so, I look like a tit.

31:34 - 31:39

Like it looks so stupid. Is this a metaphoric thing or are you actually shadow boxing?

31:39 - 31:47

I didn't know, but she said it like I should know. Yeah. Cool. I think somewhere in the middle, because you're kind of skipping around.

31:47 - 31:52

Yeah. Not really doing anything. You're not hitting another person. You're just skipping. She's always moving, always moving.

31:52 - 31:57

And then you're going to start doing jabs. There's not a specific shadow I'm trying to hit.

31:58 - 32:01

No one's got a plan until they get hit in the face. By a shadow.

32:01 - 32:07

I'm just trying to say boxing quotes now that I know. There is something I find in a gym.

32:07 - 32:16

Those who can shadow box right with real intensity, not just like, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, who are like really like, I'm imagining someone's there and they're going.

32:16 - 32:22

Yeah. They look like the most sinister bastards out there. They would kill a man in cold blood.

32:22 - 32:27

They could just get your neck and rip it in half. They are the most terrifying people in a gym.

32:27 - 32:39

I mean, Max, I don't know if this will, surprise you or not. If you'd seen me yesterday shuffling about in my Snoopy t-shirt, occasionally lifting a heavy paw and kind of flailing it in front of my face.

32:39 - 32:49

I'm not sure you would have been intimidated by me yesterday. No. I'm not sure the wrath of Shireen would have made you worried in any way.

32:49 - 32:58

I mean, later on. Right. Okay. Later on, I was throwing some punches. Okay. I was going to say later in the evening when I shanked somebody.

32:58 - 33:01

In a car park, you'd be scared of me. There is that. There is that.

33:01 - 33:06

No, later in the session, we did, I was punching my opponent, but on pads, right?

33:06 - 33:13

He was holding up the pads and I got quite good then. And towards the end of the session, okay, this is how I know I improved.

33:13 - 33:17

Yeah. When I was throwing the punches, I started making involuntary noises. Oh, really good.

33:17 - 33:21

But it wasn't like, so the proper noise is what David was doing, which is, right?

33:21 - 33:29

My noise was not that noise. My noise was like, ugh. Yeah. Ugh. It's more of a, tennis noise you're making.

33:29 - 33:35

Yeah. I had a trainer who sort of, occasionally we'd do kickboxing. Like, it's so exhausting.

33:35 - 33:41

And then at the end, you know, they'd be like, at the end, just, there's a bag, do a hundred.

33:41 - 33:49

And I'd be going, one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, 10, one, two, three, four, five, six, And literally, I'd say by punch 90, one of your six month old kittens,

33:49 - 33:59

you know, deliver more force. I am literally like, I'd be like a tiny, like a hummingbird, like blowing, blowing on someone.

33:59 - 34:11

The force from this punch is embarrassing by that state. So speaking of embarrassing, poor Sam, the trainer yesterday, she said she tried to do exactly the same at the end of the session.

34:11 - 34:17

So there were the big things. What are they called? That you hit the bag, punch bags, punch bags.

34:17 - 34:21

That's it. You can see I'm new to this. And she was like, right. Give me two minutes of intensity.

34:21 - 34:26

Two minutes, 10 straight punches, 10 hooks, 10 uppercuts, as many as you can do. Go, go, go.

34:26 - 34:32

At the end of it, do you know what? She literally laughed at us. And she's like, yeah, I don't think you quite got the idea.

34:32 - 34:41

Does this sort of hyper aggression that you're unleashing now, because everything you're saying just says to me, this is raw.

34:41 - 34:50

This is intense. When you then leave, you know, and you get on the bus, do you nearly deck the person sitting behind you?

34:50 - 34:53

Who's listening to their phone out loud? Do you know what's weird? Just the opposite.

34:53 - 35:00

I kind of floated out feeling like a floppy, happy bunny, just really bound. I was like, Ooh, it was good.

35:00 - 35:06

I know I'm as surprised as anyone. I mean, that's what boxing brings, isn't it?

35:06 - 35:12

Brings self-control, the things that you've lacked in your life, discipline, self-control, all those things up until now.

35:12 - 35:22

Yeah. You know, David, like your anger, which just flops out all over the place, your uncontrolled rage, maybe it would benefit from a bit of kind of focus, some focused rage,

35:22 - 35:35

some Eminem and Linkin Park. I just can't wait for your next children's book, which is The Otter, approached the toad, and the toad unleashed a barrage, came up on the inside,

35:35 - 35:41

saw that the otter had a weak jaw, and kept punching till the referee dived in.

35:41 - 35:49

Well, there's already quite a lot of violence in my books, which is the Grimwood series, for anyone listening, the Grimwood series.

35:49 - 35:57

There's quite a lot of violence in those already. That's good. Yeah, you're right. The bunny had a cut above his eye.

35:58 - 36:05

And so Snuffles the cat went straight in for the kill. Work on the cut, said the trainer from behind the turnbuckle.

36:05 - 36:11

I'm buying this book. I'm buying it. there are decapitations. Oh, good. The doctor's arrived.

36:11 - 36:18

Yeah. But he was already dead. He was already dead. Exactly. Yeah. That's a big job for a cut man, a full decapitation.

36:18 - 36:25

Is there anything you can do, cut man? No. Okay. So we're out of the gym.

36:25 - 36:27

You're flopping around, happy as Larry. We're out of the gym. I was very happy.

36:27 - 36:33

Come home. But I'm in a rush. I have to quickly have a shower and get changed because I have an appointment to keep.

36:33 - 36:37

My son, as you may remember, is at his dad's house, which is down the road.

36:37 - 36:45

So I quickly shower and change and get in the car. There's not time for lunch, even though I'm starving.

36:45 - 36:56

This will come back and haunt me later. I'm starving. So I just quickly glug a bit of water, grab an apple, jump in the car, drive to my ex-husband's house and say,

36:56 - 37:01

I am here. I am outside. Because we're going on a blended family day trip.

37:01 - 37:12

Oh, how Brighton. This is so Brighton. So my son scampers into the car. I'm on time.

37:12 - 37:19

I'm on time. My ex needs 10 minutes to finish his lunch. Oh, are you allowed in the house?

37:19 - 37:25

Do you just sit out? No, I'm very much allowed in the house, but I just decide we're just chit-chatting in the car and wait for him.

37:25 - 37:30

I make the point that he had his lunch and I didn't, right? Yeah, no, no.

37:30 - 37:37

And it's a point well made. But we drive half an hour up the road to an animal sanctuary, an animal rescue centre.

37:37 - 37:46

It's called Raystead, where my ex-husband's partner works. Right. And she is giving us a little tour.

37:46 - 37:57

A little VIP, yeah, behind the curtain tour. So we start out with the donkeys, with all the other losers, yeah, standing there, listening to the stuff about the donkeys.

37:57 - 38:03

But we get, kind of, backstage access. Shit. Oh, VIP. You get to meet the animals afterwards.

38:03 - 38:11

What's back, like, have people given in pandas? No. It's a Jurassic Park type thing, where there's some raptors.

38:11 - 38:17

They're going into Tiger King and they got them all out. I tell you what, we got some backstage access into the Terrapin Zone.

38:17 - 38:28

And we walk into this place and there's a whole, like, there are all these tents and it's like a place for the, the Terrapins that have been handed in, right, who've spent their lives in Little Sand and they've had tents.

38:28 - 38:36

They cannot just be chucked into the lovely big pond outside. They'll panic. Their muscles are not strong enough for them to swim.

38:36 - 38:44

So they have to go into these acclimatization tents to exercise, to like build up their Terrapin muscles.

38:44 - 38:54

So your ex's new partner, she has a Terrapin suit and she gets into the tank and she's swimming with them, showing them.

38:54 - 39:04

Yeah, they show them how to maneuver. They do little, little workout sessions. There's like a Terrapin Mr. Motivator in high-vis gear doing exercises.

39:04 - 39:09

This is pretty magical. It was nuts. It was so magical. I was so excited.

39:09 - 39:13

I was like, there's going to be a lot to talk about here. What were some of your favorite animals?

39:13 - 39:20

Did your son enjoy this? I mean, he's a little older. Yes. Is he also a bit like donkeys?

39:20 - 39:27

No, no, no, no, no, no. He has my wide-eyed air of wonder around animals.

39:28 - 39:35

He has it too. He loves it. No, we loved it. What other animals did they have, for goodness sake?

39:35 - 39:40

They had goats. They had donkeys. They had alpacas, but the alpacas were too far away for us to see.

39:40 - 39:44

I mean, we saw them from a distance, but it was like, I can't be bothered to go there.

39:44 - 39:48

They have a whole cat section and we got VIP access to the cat section.

39:48 - 39:53

It has whole cats in it. Whole cats, entire cats, not just bits of cat.

39:53 - 40:04

It's my favorite type of cat. Little cat limbs, bags, of cat paws. I mean, if you live with three cats going to a place where they just have more cats,

40:04 - 40:12

but are there interesting cats? They're interesting cats. I mean, they're cats who people, they're cats, they're rejected cats, right?

40:12 - 40:17

Yeah. So they're cats that people have given up to be adopted. So immediately I'm weeping.

40:17 - 40:24

Is everything rejected? Yeah. They're rejected alpacas. Who's rejected an alpaca? Who's got one in the first place?

40:24 - 40:30

I don't know the backstory to the rejected alpacas but I'm guessing it's an interesting one.

40:30 - 40:35

I mean, I don't know. People keep alpacas. I remember when I was growing up, a friend of my dad's was an alpaca farmer.

40:35 - 40:39

And I suppose if your circumstances changed, it would be hard to keep an alpaca.

40:39 - 40:44

Do you know what? Let's move into the city, into a studio apartment. What are we going to do with Alan?

40:44 - 40:52

Do you know what? I learned some sad things. People give up bunnies. Bunnies are one of the most given up things because people get the bunnies because they're cute or because the kid is like,

40:52 - 40:56

yay bunnies. And I mean, bunnies are boring, aren't they? And you've got to clean the hutch.

40:56 - 41:01

Having a pet, in terms of having a pet, bunnies are a bit dead behind the eyes, I think.

41:01 - 41:06

They don't give you much back emotionally. And I think people get bored after a few months.

41:06 - 41:13

So they've got so many bunnies and bunny take up is slow. I don't think I've ever had direct access to a bunny.

41:13 - 41:19

Where my granny lived on Ackle Island, where I spent a lot of the pandemic, there's wild hares in the area.

41:19 - 41:28

Not bunnies. Their ears sit right down like their hair is in plaits. I think I've touched a bunny.

41:28 - 41:36

Have I touched a bunny? I reckon I've touched a bunny. I think I have, but one of my friends had a bunny called Rupert.

41:36 - 41:40

And when Rupert died, they were very sad. But I must have touched that bunny.

41:40 - 41:50

No, I was just thinking, considering you spent a large part of this podcast going, the twee little, you know, bumblebee takes Nadia down the stairs.

41:50 - 41:56

And then you just dropped in. Well, my granny grew up on Ackle Island, which literally sounds like the star of like every kid's book.

41:57 - 42:05

Honestly, when I grew up on a misty island surrounded by hares and then there was a wise old granny.

42:05 - 42:12

I mean, honestly, it's balls is what it is, Matt. It's absolute balls. You can't say balls.

42:12 - 42:16

I'm sorry. You've been reported to the Children's Book Council. I know, I know, I know.

42:16 - 42:22

I forget I said that. Point of order. You've spent most of this podcast series talking about lowering your balls into a bath.

42:22 - 42:27

There you go. Sorry to keep picking you up on things. I don't want to hear about that filth.

42:27 - 42:31

No, people, people do. You would be surprised. I am surprised and horrified. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

42:31 - 42:44

So I've just brought this up on my computer, which is when me and Max went to the Collingwood Children's Farm on the 21st of April, 2024.

42:44 - 42:52

And the main thing that struck me was that, so all of the farm activities are listed on a chalkboard as you go in.

42:52 - 43:02

And they all sound like indie bands from the land fill indie period of circa 2008, 2009.

43:02 - 43:08

I will now read you some of the farm activities drawing just on its own.

43:08 - 43:19

Meet the Goats. Definitely saw them at South by Southwest. Tactile Toddler Table. Meet the Sheep.

43:19 - 43:32

Digging Pit. Yes. Come on. Digging Pit were at Red End. They were supported by egg grading and Watch the Farmer Feed the Pigs who was more of a sort of heavy metal kind of thing.

43:32 - 43:37

I was going to say that's like heavy metal but like with a touch of ambient kind of drone.

43:37 - 43:48

Orbital meets Nine Inch Nails. Yeah. You know when people come out of their gigs they're like whoa like yeah whoa did you raw dog it or did you wear earplugs?

43:48 - 43:56

Okay so we leave the Animal Sanctuary. Do you take any of these poor animals that have no home or do you just is that our food?

43:56 - 44:02

I mean I was tempted but I'm like I'm at a three cat limit. I can't.

44:02 - 44:07

No fair enough. I can't. Maybe I would get a guinea pig but I can't get a guinea pig with three cats because that would just be madness.

44:07 - 44:17

So now what's happening? Home we go. Home we go. I like singing in the car really expressively because it makes my son really upset because he's 12.

44:17 - 44:30

Oh great. What are we singing? I was just singing I had a mix like a mix playlist on I was actually singing Madonna's Like a Prayer which I liked because I was doing all of it from the beginning so not just like the chorus I was doing

44:30 - 44:38

from the moment she says God at the beginning and then you know the choir come in Yeah, yeah, yeah.

44:38 - 44:58

So I was doing Can you call my name Not Max Max not even there I was doing the slow Oh So he was saddened Because when that kicks in when it kicks in Yes So I did the whole I like to do the whole whole shebang

44:58 - 45:12

and he gets so sad Is your ex-husband happy about this or is he not He's fine with it We unite in embarrassing him sometimes Okay, good It's good You know, we dance and he gets sad if we both dance in he doesn't like it So we just

45:12 - 45:25

I do that for some not the whole time My ex-husband had a phone call so I had to turn the music off for the phone call but then we get home Nadia, something we've skipped here is when does the text come in that quite literally

45:25 - 45:44

everyone in the entertainment slash showbiz slash friends of mine is waiting for which is can you do what did you do yesterday tomorrow and does the I am intrigued as to whether the day takes a when you suddenly realise that this is for posterity Do you know what?

45:44 - 45:57

I saw it when I came out of boxing Okay, yeah and was rushing to have a shower and I thought oh, that's great because I've got a really busy day I'm afraid it didn't affect the day in any way It definitely did It really did not

45:57 - 46:08

I know, I don't I don't want people to you know, because we did I worried about this when I had the idea if you book someone will they change what they do and it works both ways either we change history or people are strong enough in their conviction

46:08 - 46:23

that this behemoth of a podcast won't affect a second of what they do with their day You know, my bowels turned to jelly for a second or two when I thought will I be able to give them the stuff the meat they want Nadia, that has

46:23 - 46:37

a lot of people's bowels have turned to jelly it seems because the amount of times they've had this podcast goes in that direction but the beauty of it is Richard Osman watches two to three episodes of Nothing to Declare Australia Yeah You know, there's no way

46:37 - 46:54

he was like I'm going to try and impress these guys Oh, oh I promise I wasn't trying to impress you guys So we've sung Madonna in the car We've sung Madonna in the car I drop my ex off at his house he dashes in to get my son's

46:54 - 47:11

swimming gear because we're going away today and he needs his swimming gear Son and I go home Son rushes in to start making a video He likes to make football edit videos Great So he really wants to do a football edit of Arsenal's win on Tuesday

47:11 - 47:24

because he's a dooner he's an Arsenal fan He had a great time He had a great time He did Does he make those videos where a sort of isolated version of him appears in the bottom of the screen pointing up at Bukayo Thakur doing a cool pass?

47:24 - 47:41

No Because I'm boring I don't let him have his face on the YouTubes Fair enough But he's allowed his voice and he is getting good at during the pandemic I neglected him to write books so we had money to eat and that's when he taught himself iMovie

47:41 - 47:55

and now he like teaches he knows like all the little he's a good little editor and he just edits together he like screen grabs motion cat I don't know what he does gets the videos of goals and then he kind of edits them together with little graphics

47:55 - 48:06

and stuff Oh dear Nadia Max used to work for Sky he has heard what you've said I'm so sorry they're about to come down like a ton of bricks on you right now

48:06 - 48:18

it's okay they let me go after 10 years of great service can you get my son a job he's only 12 but I think his career lies in it I think I could work on it well we can put his video in the show notes he'd be really excited

48:18 - 48:32

I'll have to think about it though because I don't allow strangers to get in touch with him I'm very he's so annoyed with me he's like please allow comments please can I have my face in and I'm like no it's so interesting though like I'm in Australia

48:32 - 48:45

and they're just about to introduce like a social media ban for kids and I think with young kids like the absolute nightmare of you know thank God my wife is a primary school teacher and she will know what to do because I just how do you navigate

48:45 - 48:56

all this stuff that is just oh I'm probably doing it completely wrong but you just make it up as you go along I'm like let him have his fun and put his vids together I used to I love that kind of thing so he has fun it's creative

48:56 - 49:13

it's great yeah and also those like that game was incredible if you're an Arsenal fan he had literally the best that was the best game of his life probably I think that's probably why he was still elated yesterday and he said to me did you see the goals

49:13 - 49:28

mummy and I said no I don't care about football son you know this he said boy do I have an edit for you it's funny that you mentioned that he literally has because the football match that for me all football games are compared to is one

49:28 - 49:51

from when I was eight or nine I watched the 1984 UEFA Cup final which Spurs won in a penalty shootout with the sub goalkeeper Tony Park saving shots from Anderlecht and honestly like that's the reason I still watch football is because of the memory of that and also

49:51 - 50:08

I think the social media ban in Australia is a really good idea because kids you know any moment I'm not with my phone my life is better but then it's also good to be able to go home and make some edits later on and have an hour

50:08 - 50:18

of that I'm happy for him to do all that business he's not got a phone he's not on social media I'm sure that will all come at some point but he was just impatient at that point he was still elated by the match

50:18 - 50:31

so he wanted to get in get working on that I was like fine you do that I then began it's just jobs it's just like a vortex of jobs take us through like the next three hours jobs so okay

50:31 - 50:46

first job still got my shoes on I accidentally ordered something and instead of saying deliver it to my house it automatically said it's been delivered to your nearest UPS collection centre oh no I don't even know what that means apparently it means just the corner shop

50:46 - 51:04

down the road I have to go there not a big deal what is this what did you order I ordered a David Shridley tote bag oh lovely who's David Shridley David Shridley is an artist he's an artist illustrator guy and I had wanted this bag for a while

51:04 - 51:24

and I saw it and went I'm buying it and I did he does deeply odd art Max you would know him as he did the football mascot for I think Clyde Bank one of the non-glamorous Scottish teams and made this really kind of deranged looking son that someone

51:24 - 51:39

has to walk around the pitch and everyone loves it and I love David Shrigley so great purchase there yes got a David Shrigley bag then I popped to the co-op and I got some milk and came back and then it was just a vortex of jobs

51:39 - 51:52

and I don't know if this happens to you guys or if you just have staff that do this for you we have staff since the podcast started yeah I was going to make a roast chicken and various other not a proper Sunday roast but just

51:52 - 52:07

I had to roast this chicken and make various vegetables going out of date I also because I'm leaving the house today I've got people staying here right to look after the cats and house sit so many jobs because I have to pretend that my house

52:07 - 52:22

is like an average level of clean okay there's like an acceptable level of clean if you've got people staying in your home yeah you just have to deal with the piles of laundry you have to maybe do that deep dust yeah and it's like I forgot that

52:22 - 52:37

forgot that forgot that so just endless for about three hours how long normally we have an armchair in the living room where the dry laundry will be that's where I will throw it it could be action that day but it might be three days later that you're like

52:37 - 52:52

ah that's we need to put that in the cupboards look in my defence I'm going to say I'm a hard working single parent that's my defence it's going to be it's a very good defence sustained there's like a chair in my bedroom I'm lying to you

52:52 - 53:07

if I say that that chair is ever empty it's never never it's just a chair of clothing and like every now and then I go I'm going to do the chair and I'll sit and I'll try and do the chair and then I'll almost be done

53:07 - 53:20

but then there'll be like socks or like odd things and then I just go and I get a bag a tote bag and just put the annoying shrigley pop it in shrigley pop it in shrigley get it in a shrigley and then it just sits there

53:20 - 53:29

so now around the chair I have bags of like odd socks out of season scarves things that my child has grown out of it's just a collection of bags now

53:29 - 53:47

around the chair with your wardrobe I would say sorry to have really touched the nerve you've really triggered me most of the time I just throw it all in and then like yes every couple of months I'll go okay I'm gonna see because I've been wearing the

53:47 - 53:59

same t-shirt and shorts because they're on the top or they're not in the wardrobe but once something goes in it could stay in there for six months I don't know and I just wear an eight pound blue hoodie I got from Primark a selection of three

53:59 - 54:13

t-shirts and a pair of shorts I'm finding this all very triggering I would pay money for someone to just come here and just sort the whole lot out because you open no don't because I open my wardrobe there's a bin bag in my wardrobe at the

54:13 - 54:27

bottom full of out of season jumpers I forgot and I've even had dead cats dead cats it's like where did they go here you are I can't deal with it I honestly some can someone come around to my house and just deal with it because I'm overwhelmed I

54:27 - 54:40

get to spend a couple of hours every morning just deciding what I'm going to wear of course you do gently folding and unfolding how does it feel under skin does it bring me joy I bet you've got drawers with all your trousers folded neatly and

54:40 - 55:01

all your stupid t-shirts I can see it on the flipping camera you've got stupid coats on hangers and it's all orderly my wife's dad dropped off her Irish dancing dress from like you know when she was 10 or something and it's fucking enormous and

55:01 - 55:10

it now takes up like half it's in my wardrobe and it takes over half of it is just like and it's really like hard it's like a suit of armor basically this is what Flatley and

55:10 - 55:22

that lot are dancing in don't you dare throw that out it's officially a hate crime if you throw that out just bear that in mind I'm not throwing it out I'm just like it's just there is she planning on Irish dancing anytime soon yeah I don't think

55:22 - 55:34

so but she's she can't bring herself to chuck it and I'm not going to chuck it but it is taking up a lot of space but then I've got like a lot of shirts that I stole from Channel 9 in Australia when they didn't renew my

55:34 - 55:46

contract and I was like right I'm having these but I never wear like I never ever ever wear I've got like 30 shirts that just sit there I never there is just no point in them being in there on the off chance that I need a beige

55:46 - 55:58

shirt it's never going to happen I just need to realize this is never going to happen you need to say goodbye in the same way that most of my wardrobe is just various types of loungewear leisure wear but in navy yeah with the occasional Snoopy

55:58 - 56:14

t-shirt thrown in I mean yeah this is a plea someone in the Brighton area come around and sort out my life Nadia although we have not released this podcast yes we're still recording it I am imagining the comments and they're forming at this speed appearing underneath

56:14 - 56:26

which was how is she cooking this chicken and I don't want to build this up too much yeah but your techers yeah that you're about to use a lot of people will just judge how good a person you are I'm really comfortable with that I'm going to

56:26 - 56:39

just say this is not my standard Sunday roast chicken okay okay because if I was going to do that you would be blown away and the whole pod would be about that because I would go deep in terms of the roast potatoes and everything

56:39 - 56:51

this was a very like I need to just roast this chicken yeah because we're going away tomorrow it just needs eating what you put up its butt half a lemon yeah I scampered out into my garden and

56:51 - 57:07

got some fresh freshly cut rosemary oh yeah I put it upon a trivet of carrots onion and what else was in that a trivet a vegetable trivet a trivet that's what you call this is the first time you've gone real children's author come on you've heard trivet I

57:07 - 57:21

haven't heard trip max have you ever heard trivet I've worked really hard to become the most middle-class English person I could ever be and that's why I use words like trivet can't make up words I have never heard trivet it's like a layer is what you're saying a

57:21 - 57:34

layer of it I've never it's a layer of veg but some people have a trivet that's not veg they have like a thing like an actual thing to sort of raise the chicken to raise the chicken to raise the chicken so you're not going to eat these veg

57:34 - 57:49

they're just there to oh no you eat the veg because they soak up all the chickeny juice yeah okay yeah okay so I did onions and carrots now because I'm I'm trying to disengage consciously uncoupled from potatoes which is really sad because obviously I love them

57:49 - 58:01

they let my people down badly in the past I know they did I know it's a tricky subject so I'm not making a whole tray of roasties but because my son loves potatoes I'm like I'm going to just peel and put some potatoes in they're not

58:01 - 58:15

going to be crispy roasties but what they're going to do is they're going to be like smooshy kind of chicken juicy lemony lemony garlic potatoes right so I do the layer of veg garlic fresh rosemary what you put on the skin do you rub a bit

58:15 - 58:23

of butter on or you throw olive oil and salt any of those yesterday I did olive oil so I just a bit of olive oil and some sweetened olive oil some sea salt and then

58:23 - 58:37

some yeah this is good this is good stuff is this going to go down well with the list I think so I think so the getting some butter and shoving it under the skin and rubbing it is the of course and if it was a Sunday I would

58:37 - 58:55

have been making a nice like garlic and thyme butter I would have made that and I would lift it under the skin right would melt and it would be delicious my other quest when you lift the say one and a half kilo chicken yeah are your arms tired

58:55 - 59:12

from beating up women earlier today tell you what they were fine when I was at race dead animal place I was still kind of euphoric you are correct by this point because I've not just been cooking in between the cooking I've been running upstairs doing some laundry

59:12 - 59:29

stripping a bed going outside to clean a garden pod with like a hose I'm just doing lots of jobs cleaning the kitchen floor my arms at this point a suddenly from like the hum of pain is now I'm like I'm cleaning a garden pod max sorry we

59:29 - 59:45

just need to go into this I'm sorry okay sidebar I don't have a big garden I've got a small garden but I inherited like this dome right it's this wooden from the crystal maze it kind of looks like that Richard O'Brien's will is he dead it was you

59:45 - 1:00:00

get the crystal maze he's still in there he's still there I see his harmonica do you write in it like what's yeah you can sit in it writing it reading it there's no internet my internet is bad down there so it's good if you want to

1:00:00 - 1:00:14

get away from the old digital things you can make it into like a big bed so you can just lie in there and read it's just a relaxation pod good thing is you can tell Sam to put the tagline on the boxing class it'll make your arms

1:00:14 - 1:00:27

so tired you can't lift a chicken which I think yes thing would get her some more because she's lost four clients from class one I'm worried about the business you're worried about the business I mean I think it's okay but I don't know but you know I mean

1:00:27 - 1:00:44

pod in terms of the pod the canvas cover right the canvas doorway yeah I bought a new one last year it the new one doesn't shut properly okay which I'm very annoyed about so I kind of rotated the pod to minimize animals going inside the pod

1:00:44 - 1:00:57

right and then the other day I was like yeah let's get the pod back in action I unzip the canvas fully oh my god I mean inside the inside was a speaking stote that was playing a banjo and

1:00:57 - 1:01:21

you wrote down the lyrics and composed a book about I'm sorry I'm not pacing about a stage in Edinburgh doing a searing brave one woman show about the perimenopause is that what you want from me would that make me a better guest yeah what you're giving

1:01:21 - 1:01:38

us is absolutely perfect I don't like how you skipped over all the trash talking you did of the other people at the boxing class I am gonna fuck you up so bad listeners that didn't happen anyway I unzip the canvas the other day and

1:01:38 - 1:01:55

it's just the stench of stale fox and cat we overpowering lots of spiders just generally it's a bad scene so I had to yesterday I had to go out there in between all the other parties I'm going out there with the white vinegar baking

1:01:55 - 1:02:06

soda and then waiting for it to dry then once the chickens in the oven go out again get the hose do a jet what like all that crap is going on couldn't you just say to the people coming to stay just don't go in the pod

1:02:06 - 1:02:22

yeah you know when you start a thing you have to see it through and there was like pissy cushions and pissy blankets that I've had to carry inside and soak in enzyme cleaner in the bath this was all going on in between all the stuff

1:02:22 - 1:02:37

yesterday like oh check the blankets in the bath has the enzyme cleaner worked does it still smell of fox piss meanwhile your son has edited every Arsenal goal in history together in this time yes this was the shape of my life yesterday I and I was by the

1:02:37 - 1:02:58

time dinner was ready like and we sat down to eat like 730 ish I was weak and tired and you had rabies okay so what happens after dinner so after dindins we were gonna watch Paddington 3 on Netflix but I'm so 80 and

1:02:58 - 1:03:17

tired at this point that I have to say to my child look Paddington is shelved for this evening okay I have to have a bath yes because I'm so you love bath time so I go up and I have a really austere bath because sometimes I have

1:03:17 - 1:03:34

like a nice bath I love like posh bath oils or soapy things and light a candle this is not that kind of bath this is like an austere bath two inches deep yeah like it's the second world war no it's like painfully hot and Epsom salts so nothing

1:03:34 - 1:03:48

to color the bath no suds it's just like get in this is for your muscles I've tried the Epsom salts but I am worried the liquid the solution will go up my butthole you want it to it's good for your butthole dry

1:03:48 - 1:04:06

me out like a chicken though but I know but what if my veins various orifice orify just pull in like the 20 liters of salty water it won't do that trust in the Epsom it's really good for your areas right it's good for the crevices my areas are fine

1:04:06 - 1:04:18

my areas are fine but I'm just saying I don't have a bath so like I couldn't tell you the last time I had one what I'm contractually obliged to ask how do you enter the bath it might seem like an obvious question

1:04:18 - 1:04:33

but we do have to ask no I'm always wary as someone who it occasionally lives alone you know when my son's not around I'm hyper aware of the dangers of getting in and out of the bathroom correctly I'm a bit of a catastrophist so I'm having a

1:04:33 - 1:04:45

thought then there'll be another thought behind it but the thought behind that is always you could slip and die right so lovely bath number one I hope I get the temperature right number three I hope I don't slip and

1:04:45 - 1:04:59

die and I'm just scound like the chicken yes just lying in this cold pool on a trivet and rubber duck no word of a lie behind everything about three thoughts back is you could die so

1:04:59 - 1:05:09

in which case are you lying on the floor naked and then you crawl crawl in so you stick as close to the bath as possible because that is probably the safest way I don't do that so

1:05:09 - 1:05:26

okay I disrobe then I have a roll-top bath because I'm that kind of guy so I hold both edges all right with my hands it's a freestanding flake it's a freestanding flake advert okay right so I hold both sides first with your legs on one side

1:05:26 - 1:05:47

you're not straddling the bath no no yeah okay no I'm not my first image there was you were actually struggling you were holding the bath but your feet were standing on the high one end you're about to launch you know the way ships are launched when

1:05:47 - 1:06:03

they smash a bottle of champagne against it you were just gonna drop down into it or like the Olympics you know when they're doing the luge yeah and they jump in the guys who are pushing it at the end I always feel scared for those

1:06:03 - 1:06:13

guys at the back you know what it is like the bobsleigh or whatever and there are people at the back and you're like get in get in and I would so not get in in time or I just get one foot in and be

1:06:13 - 1:06:30

dragged down the course right so you're holding both sides of the bath both legs are on one side of the both sides and then I very slowly but confidently pick up one leg and plant it with great deliberation in the bath and then I

1:06:30 - 1:06:45

focus I focus on the foot that's in the bath yeah and the two hands and I go guys you're steady in the ship as I elevate my left leg up and into the bath so then I'm crouching in the bath I lower myself to a crouch and

1:06:45 - 1:07:03

then I can trust myself to just gently sit down yeah and then I can release the hands and unfurl the leg beautiful round of applause standing ovation that's how I do it that's how I do it really lovely and I think it's normal to have that much

1:07:03 - 1:07:21

thought into how you get into the bath interest so I have only once had a go of my mum has but she is a bit arthritic played international sport in her younger years and so she has a cushion that inflates or deflates you get it

1:07:21 - 1:07:34

in and you sit on it like you're in a on a bar stool and you hit the button and the cushion starts to deflate and lowers you into the water I like the sound of that which is pretty cool but when you're getting out again you're like

1:07:34 - 1:07:51

it's time and you push the button and your arse just magically starts to rise up like you're being called into heaven pulled in by the angel have you used it I used it once I don't like the sound of the elevation yeah

1:07:51 - 1:08:10

well I'll take it up with my mother Nadia says she shouldn't use this well it's too weird what did your mom play my mom played tennis and hockey for Ireland in the early 60s that's very cool that is cool skips a generation I guess oh my goodness

1:08:10 - 1:08:31

yeah and what's nice about with the hockey lot in particular they remember their ex-players and so she'll get invitations to matches sometimes that's lovely kind of meet contemporary Olympic players where mom will be like go out there and give them hell you know

1:08:31 - 1:08:48

I was gonna say hockey I mean both those games there's a level of aggression and also bravery to both of those that's what I bring to this podcast I feel I've channeled all of those skills into asking people how they get into baths I'm not

1:08:48 - 1:08:59

sure how brave tennis players are you know in the world of really anything elite sport but those you could get hit really hard yeah but the tennis ball I think there are I mean I just don't think it's in the top five crickets

1:08:59 - 1:09:15

braver right that's a harder ball coming at you yeah I also feel it was a different year I can't imagine my mother like smashing a racket or like returning balls to one of the ball boys or ball girls being like not good enough you

1:09:15 - 1:09:31

know I think it was a more ladylike era of a lot of handshakes and right was that in or was that out you know I don't think it was the sort of ball-breaking tennis that we imagine bit more genteel okay so we we get out of

1:09:31 - 1:09:42

the bath get out of the bath get into I like a fluffy dressing gown so I get into my fluffy dressing gown and then I go to my bedroom and I lie on the bed and feel nice for a few seconds then

1:09:42 - 1:09:56

everyone likes to pile into the bedroom by which I mean all three cats and my son they all like to come into the bed with me and hang hang out we decide to lie in bed and watch some telly all right and I'm a bit

1:09:56 - 1:10:09

nervous about confessing this but I'm gonna be truthful okay oh here we go about what we watch because some people might say she lets her child watch this but I'm afraid nine and a half weeks again what happens if you're an only

1:10:09 - 1:10:21

child with a single parent is that you know there's not that much you kids go off and watch that and I do that you kind of end up meshing I've got him kind of addicted to married at first sight Australia oh my goodness

1:10:21 - 1:10:37

okay I'm sorry no don't apologize it's teaching him well I get to commentate quite a lot and go and this is toxic masculinity surely it's teaching him to never go on reality television yes that show is so ridiculous it's really

1:10:37 - 1:10:51

ridiculous I mean I have to say he is also playing Minecraft right so his main focus is on Minecraft okay there's this there's this one bit where each person is given photos of all the other people and then they have to go and watch

1:10:51 - 1:11:00

they have to rank them in how attractive they are right and the boys always fuck it up like some boys are smart enough to go you're my wife you're number one and

1:11:00 - 1:11:16

then someone like yeah I really want to do this fairly so I've got you in fourth below Siobhan Heidi and Mary yeah because I just think like conventionally they're just better looking yeah I mean you want me to be honest don't you want to be

1:11:16 - 1:11:32

honest but I'm with you for life you're like I mean there's no way of winning that task I'm gonna say because there was one guy this year who did that but he went like overboard with sliding off the other wives yes yeah she's got terrible eyes

1:11:32 - 1:11:46

and she's not for me and the woman was watching going you're horrible you're just really being mean to all these women it's a stupid task but I enjoy it I hope no one's ever said I have terrible eyes there's no way he actually

1:11:46 - 1:11:59

said crazy eyes he actually said crazy eyes yeah yeah when it finishes he has to go to sleep I then read a little bit I look at my phone I read I try and read the internet for a little bit before bed

1:11:59 - 1:12:11

people say it's a bad way to go to sleep is to stare at your phone and read about the bleakness of the world before bed but I always like to do that just to keep it's like a telescope except it goes up

1:12:11 - 1:12:25

to your ear and instead of the stars just pure sewage flows into your yeah yeah I mean I'll be honest I was double screening a bit during married at first I think it's a show that you're allowed you're allowed to so I'll be looking up

1:12:25 - 1:12:39

and they're having a fight about someone and then I look down and it's about the stock market crash or you know that kind of so I'm kind of flitting between the two did you read either the summer I robbed a bank by David already or

1:12:39 - 1:12:54

dangerous everywhere by David already so I've heard that both those books are terrible no do you know what my son actually read dangerous everywhere and he liked it so much I had to buy even though I know you yeah I had to go

1:12:54 - 1:13:09

out and buy books two and three thank you so what are you reading I'm reading a book called Foster Dade explores the cosmos and I'm reading that on my Kindle it was recommended to me I'm enjoying it so far have you read the secret history

1:13:09 - 1:13:18

by Donna Tartt that came out about 20 years ago no but I mean the last book I read it took me a year to read and it's like it's not because it's not a good book I enjoyed it it took me a year to

1:13:18 - 1:13:33

read the Thursday murder club because I have small children and I just have time poor Max you're officially yeah allowed to not read for like the next five years you've got five years grace I'll catch up oh yeah so I'm reading that but I confess I was so

1:13:33 - 1:13:49

tired I was very quickly tired so I read like two pages that'll be Max's Max reads every book like it's Finnegan's Wake by James Joyce where he just reads one paragraph and just ponders the meaning of this part of the old folks home and Thursday murder club just

1:13:49 - 1:13:59

cogs out one Jack Reacher book took me half a decade and I was like you know what I am kind of at your pace Max to be honest also if you're like you're an author you're surrounded by books all the time it's

1:13:59 - 1:14:16

like give me a break so I shut my Kindle down after a couple of pages and then I've developed a habit where I can't sleep in silence Abba it's Abba greatest hits they actually come in the hologram I would love Abba grace it

1:14:16 - 1:14:30

get me too excited yeah I seen quite a lot of Abba during the day do either of you have pets no no so when you do have pets I find I send lots of songs but I adapt the lyrics to them oh great okay yeah I

1:14:30 - 1:14:44

do that with the kids one I'm doing a lot of the moment is my cats pittle and moose I said knowing me knowing you but knowing pittle knowing moose okay I do that quite a lot this isn't gonna get you to sleep no sorry so I don't put

1:14:44 - 1:15:02

Abba on I put like a audio book on or a podcast usually at the moment I do yes today no because that's too exciting it's too interesting oh I either go soothing history like a soothing kind of history pod what were the soothing years

1:15:02 - 1:15:16

of history you've got to be careful you can't do like the Third Reich like you have to be like picky with it you can't just do anything corn laws corn laws is probably or and this is again paints me

1:15:16 - 1:15:33

in a terrible light or I do like a kind of meaningless waffley kind of self-healthy podcast so what you've got to do is just embrace your you know that kind of yeah I'm asleep in seconds right yeah and then you're asleep I fall

1:15:33 - 1:15:45

into a dreamless sleep that's it and that's it the day's over that is a busy day you've done a lot you've achieved a lot and not all my days are like that but that was a very busy day so many animals lots of animals and so much of

1:15:45 - 1:15:58

it was just boring domestic tasks like bins I didn't even go into the bins I didn't even go into the robot litter tray I had to clean we didn't even get into floor mopping hang on a second tell us just let's finally

1:15:58 - 1:16:13

because it you know as always we've recorded longer than five hours yes but could you just tell us a bit about the robot litter tray so because I'm now a house of three cats I don't want to become as it is I'm now cat woman but I

1:16:13 - 1:16:26

don't want to become cat woman that stinks of piss or great like don't go to Nadia's house it stinks of cat yeah yeah like I really still want fresh to come around so I paid more than is sensible for this robot litter tray

1:16:26 - 1:16:41

it's worth it it's amazing okay so it's like a dome with an entrance that the cats can hop into well they have to ring a bell no no no they can just hop into it whenever they want they do their business in the litter they hop on out

1:16:41 - 1:16:56

there's a light sensor so it goes red if there's a cat in there like it's recording a voiceover or something on air a neon on air light there's an on air light but hang on what's the labor saving here because ultimately all you've

1:16:56 - 1:17:09

got now is a shit in a booth as opposed to just so the cat comes out and after a couple of minutes the sensor goes to blue it can sense that the cats departed then do you know what it does it rotates

1:17:09 - 1:17:34

it rotates no it rotates and now the cat litter the soiled cat litter falls into a hatch with one rotation into the flat into like a bin beneath that you can't see a concealed shit bin Wow and then it rotates back and all you're left in the

1:17:34 - 1:17:51

with is clean odor-free litter ready for the next cat Wow it's so crazy it sounds like something that I saw in one of Leonardo da Vinci's sketchbooks you know there was only 400 years later that people realized yeah this is what he was designed it's a booth

1:17:51 - 1:18:07

usually cat situation sure can I just ask if one's in there and the red light is on yeah there's another one wait patiently yes the cue for the cats is they have to what's he doing in there comes out says I'd give it 10 minutes

1:18:07 - 1:18:20

10 minutes most I would that's exactly what happens that is what happens that's my life Max it's my life and then it's a great litter tray but every now and then

1:18:20 - 1:18:31

the cats go in because there's there is instant is to dig to cover up their turd and I feel like saying to them stop you don't need to dig you don't need to dig leave it but they don't understand English so they did and it

1:18:31 - 1:18:46

means little bits of litter do end up falling on the floor outside so I would say like with all the stuff I was doing today if you just pepper in a month that 15 minutes of litter sweeping periodically because I'll walk past and

1:18:46 - 1:19:03

go and have to get the dustpan and brush and just sweep up Nadia were you ever tempted just to get on all fours get in there do your biz reverse imagine if you got trapped inside it imagine that phone call to your son's school can he come

1:19:03 - 1:19:19

home luckily I had my mobile with me I'm trapped inside a futuristic AI cat turd dome I would not even what you'd have to do is you'd have to squat and reverse into it and you have to make sure that your bum bum that would be the

1:19:19 - 1:19:30

only bit that could fit into the opening so the rest of your body would be outside so your balance you'd have to hold on something and I would be tempted to give it a go but I'll wait until you come and visit David next time

1:19:30 - 1:19:40

you come to Brighton come and have a go maybe that's you know the reason why your third thought is always that you know I might die I might get stuck in a robot litter tray taking a shit and

1:19:40 - 1:19:56

then have to bring the fiber or worse I would hit my head on the edge of a nearby cabinet yeah and I would be found pants down arse in cat litter tray dead what a way to go if you're wedged in just like I would definitely

1:19:56 - 1:20:18

attend the funeral but imagine the oddly shaped coffin she died doing what she loved trying out the do you know what though I was like if I died would I get like a line in the newspaper or would it be anything but if I died that way it

1:20:18 - 1:20:32

would be aside from anything it would be it would be and finally it would be and finally no one wants to go with an and finally though it wouldn't be and finally would it you'd win that award you'd be in the you know the Darwin the Darwin

1:20:32 - 1:20:51

Awards and finally is never a mother of one died tragically in her home in Brighton that's you know that's never and but and finally well it's that's the intro to us and she died tragically in Brighton but we have the vid hey Nadia thanks for coming on this

1:20:51 - 1:21:03

podcast thanks for having me on even though I'm not a stand-up comedian or sports person could be the new thing now don't don't no no no don't do that you've learned this is gonna be the outlier you'll be like remember when we tried it

1:21:03 - 1:21:15

with Nadia not it don't you had this was the best exposition of how to get into a bath that we have had and we've had many right great yeah well no thank you very much it's been you know what I'll be honest with you I've really enjoyed the

1:21:15 - 1:21:43

attention it's nice well we'll do it again tomorrow please don't what a great day and like what great for us David it proves the concept goes beyond comedians yeah exciting also for all my mocking of her living in a magical world filled with magical

1:21:43 - 1:22:00

animals there was quite a lot of magical animals in that episode yeah albeit leading up to a fantasy based on her own death stuck backwards in a robot cat litter tray so that won't be a book I don't think there's any way even

1:22:00 - 1:22:15

Nadia Shireen can't make that story into a delightful mama got her ass stuck in the robotic cat litter tray who's not buying that if you don't write it and she doesn't write it and my wife doesn't write it I'm writing it if Roald Dahl

1:22:15 - 1:22:34

was still alive what would he be writing if you'd like to get in touch with the podcast here is how to get in touch with the show you can email us at what did you do yesterday pod at gmail.com follow us on instagram at yesterday pod and

1:22:34 - 1:22:51

please subscribe and leave a review if you liked it on your preferred podcast platform and if you didn't please don't thank you David let's do it again let's do it for life yeah we'll do it for life and now we can talk to anyone so you

1:22:51 - 1:23:14

listening to this we could be coming for you next thank you David thank you very much max everything is showbiz

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