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Podcasts, there are millions of them. Some might say too many. I have one already.
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I don't have any, because there are enough. Politics, business, sport, you name it, there's a podcast about it, and they all ask the big questions and cover the hot topics of the day.
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But nobody is covering the most important topic of all. Why is that? Are they scared?
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Too afraid of being censored by the man? Possibly, but not us. We're here to ask the only question that matters.
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We try and say it at the same time, Max. What did you do yesterday?
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What did you do yesterday? That's it. All we're interested in is what the guests got up to yesterday, nothing more.
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Day before yesterday, Max? Nope. The greatest and most interesting day of your life? Unless it was yesterday, we don't want to know about it.
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I'm Max Rushden. And I'm David O'Doherty. Welcome to What Did You Do Yesterday? Welcome to What Did You Do Yesterday?
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Episode something season two. David O'Doherty is right in front of me. How are you?
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We have just recorded this. I've never got to say this. Normally, I do some phony baloney thing about how excited I am to do the episode, and then you reveal we've just done it.
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But we've actually just done this one, Max. Yeah, we're in the post-show glow of Pierre Novelli.
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That's where you find us. I had a lovely time. I think it's a really good one.
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I think it's one of our best. I don't know how much credit we should take, but I think Pierre should take a huge amount of credit because his day was good, and he told it brilliantly.
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What do you think the definitive one is? If someone says to you, what episode will I listen to?
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Well, as somebody who would like people to listen to this episode in its entirety, I would say the Pierre Novelli.
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There hasn't been a bad one, David. I mean, I suppose, you know, Nish Kumar is the OG, right?
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That's the original. It's true. That was the big bang from whence all of the turds dissipated out into the universe.
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But, yeah, we now reach almost a year into recording the Nish pilot. Are we?
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Yeah, we are. The first one wasn't released until October, I think. It was a slow release.
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It was like the porridge oats of podcasts, wasn't it? It is a delight to have Pierre Novelli.
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Who, as we discuss, has featured twice in previous episodes of this podcast. He's such a funny man.
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Check out everything he does. He does Bud Pod with Phil Wang. He's got his book that's just come out in paperback, which is called Why Can't I Just Enjoy Things?
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A Comedian's Guide to Autism. And he's got a sensational new Edinburgh show. I think it's 7 p.m. in Monkey Barrel for the month in August.
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That a lot of people are saying it's the one to watch, Max. You sit there.
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I'll stand here. And it is actually at 7.05. So it's important to say that because lots of people could turn up at 7 and think after four minutes.
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They could get a drink. This is bullshit. He's not turning up. They said 7 on What Did You Do Yesterday?
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And he's not there. And he'd sell out, but all his gigs would be empty and he'd be very confused.
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So, yeah, 7.05 at the Monkey Barrel. And here it is. Here is what Pierre Novelli did yesterday.
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Pierre Novelli, welcome to What Did You Do Yesterday? Thank you very much. Thank you for having me.
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Now, this is interesting because you have starred in a previous episode. I mean, I think it's not unfair to say you were a supporting actor in the Rhys James episode in which Tom Rosenthal was the star.
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You didn't eat enough pineapple to really sort of make it. The main character. So it's a bit like sort of one of those characters you see a bit at the beginning.
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And then this is the episode where we focus on you. Also, in the Phil Wang episode, when he's having his upstairs painted, I'm pretty sure you arrive in that episode as well and do a podcast downstairs.
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I didn't enjoy the dynamic between Phil and the painter, which seemed to have a sort of upstairs downstairs vibe.
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But you were privy to that as well. Yes, I am. Like, yeah, one of those characters in sort of succession or maybe one of those Portmanteau Netflix series where you think, oh, he's episode three.
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Then we'll get his perspective on the murder and we'll see what he saw. And it'll be a whole different thing.
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Yeah, yeah. But hang on. Rhys James, Phil Wang. Have you been in every episode?
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Every episode. That's what I'm wondering. I've always been there watching. I'm with every comedian, really, in their hearts when they do anything.
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Wow. For a riff is riffed, I'm there. That is what I say. You were there when Dara O'Briain was frenetically masturbating.
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You were by Nish Kumar's toilet. You were under the duvet when Amy Gledhill had a hairdryer just heating it up.
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Wow, this is so exciting. Yeah. I'm like those drawings you see of a guy driving a car and a sort of ghostly Jesus is also driving the car.
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That's me, but with comedians fucking around. But Lord, when I was in trouble, why was there...
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Why was there only one set of footprints? Because Pierre Novelli was carrying you. Let's get serious now about...
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It's his main character, energy. That's what this is. When did you wake up yesterday, Pierre?
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Yesterday, I woke up around 8.30, I think. I had some other smaller wake-ups from midnight because I still slightly jet-lagged.
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Damn it. We can't ask about that. It's of no interest. It's of no interest to any of our listeners, yeah.
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You've caught me yesterday on an incredibly transitional day. Oh, excellent. Yeah, I woke up around 8.30 and I woke up in a sort of rural hotel.
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Wow. A rural child-friendly hotel. No idea why he was there either. He'd eaten a banana sandwich in New Zealand and then woke up in Gloucestershire or some English place like that.
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Yeah, you're pretty close, yeah. Okay, so set the scene. Who's in the rural hotel?
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Oh, hang on, does the room have a name? Is it called, like, Cleaves or is it just Room 7?
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Your instincts are unrivaled. It's called Marjorie. Ah, you're in Marjorie, of course. Yeah. Is it a nice room, Marjorie?
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Yeah, it's got a sort of permanently installed dehumidifier, which is slightly unsettling. Okay. Marjorie's damp.
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Marjorie has long-term damp problems. That's the thing about Marjorie. Marjorie is so damp that they're willing to, like, paint the...
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Pipe into the window hole. That's how damp Marjorie is, yeah. Poor Marjorie. I know, yeah.
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The dampest of the rooms. And the dampest of old ladies, too. But, okay, so is there anyone there with you?
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No, my fiancée had left the day before, which is of no interest to us.
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But have you not left for good? No, no. Okay, good. Interruption. It's not an anti-French thing, but I'm trying to bring back faience.
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Yes, for fiancée. You know the way over time language changes and words that were Latin then become sort of anglicized?
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Well, I'm trying to, just with fiancée in particular, just faience it. So can you say that again, please?
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Well, it's spelt in the feminine way, right? So I guess it's faience. Faience. You play your match.
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Suddenly, dear D, withdraws. Overruled. Overruled, Your Honour. But it is faience if it was a man, and then faience if it was a man.
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It's a lady. It's actually faience if it's a man. We just go hard on the scene.
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He knows too much. He knows too much. Okay, so you're alone in the rural hotel in, where are we, the Cotswolds?
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Where did you say you were? In Devon. Oh, that's nice. Has there been a murder in the hotel, Richard Osman style?
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Not yet. What a day we've picked. What a day. Oh, I can't wait for, I hope you guys run this long enough that there is a genuine crime clue or confession in there.
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That would be so cool. We need to get fewer comedians and more murderers on.
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Yeah. They're actually harder to book. Yeah, the murderers are usually something like a traveling salesman.
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You know, it's one of those sort of, and also he was quiet and kept himself to himself, which personally I don't think would make a great podcast guest.
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Like the intro is, he's a traveling salesman. He's quiet. And keeps himself to himself.
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Ladies and gentlemen, what did Bernard Hayes do yesterday? But you'd listen for that bit, like at the end of a Poirot where Bernard just explodes and angrily confesses to his slaying.
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Just really screaming, peaking the microphone in rage. And then the producer has to say, could you just go to call settings and just turn your microphone down a bit and do that again?
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Okay, so it's 8.30. So you're in Marjorie. What do you decide to do? I know I'm going to see my family for breakfast in a bit, but I decide to do something that we all like to do, I think,
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especially comedians who are in hotels a lot. It's time for a morning bath. Oh, excellent.
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Yeah. Oh, lovely. Great. I'm the bath correspondence of this podcast. Is it a large bath?
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Is it an incredibly hot bath? Do you put things in it? I'm fortunate in the sense that Marjorie has been equipped with a bath that I can actually fit in.
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Big lad. He's a tall lad, Max. I'm wide as well. I'm a wide boy.
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So I normally, if we were in any sort of travelodge situation, the bath would be almost medically unwise to wedge myself into.
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I cut off blood to my hips kind of thing. This is a wide enough bath that I think, okay, great.
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Yeah, I run it hot, and the hotel bathroom had a kind of, mysterious jar with a stopper in of presumably generic and easily replaced bath salts.
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Yes. Oh, how marvelous. Do you put them all in? Just one? Do you pop one in or they're little balls or is it like a sand situation?
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It was like a sand situation. Yes, exactly. A sort of a wizard's kind of bottle of obscure crystals pouring into the bath, yeah.
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Wizard's dandruff is what it's called. So what I like, what you need to do is half a teaspoon of cumin, a tablespoon of paprika and a sprinkle of wizard's dandruff and then you get into it and you'll have a boner for a year.
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It's called a goulash bath. It's a Hungarian shower full of potatoes and dumplings. Okay, so does the bath have a, does that make it sort of bubbly or just sort of,
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does it change the colouring or the look of the bath? It gives it a sort of saline texture and a sort of very, very vague lavender smell.
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Okay, lovely. Now to David, who wants to ask how you get into the bath.
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How do you get into it, Pierre? As a big lad. I'm a big lad too.
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Yes, we're both bathing rugby boys. Rugby bathing boys. Sounded so sinister that, David. It sounded really bad grinder chat.
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That's what it sounded like. Two big lads. Getting into the bath. Well, yeah. He's balls deep in Marjorie, so I'm not trying to pick up Pierre.
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I get in when it's almost done filling. I like to lower myself while it's still going for optimum adjustments.
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No surprises. So the tap's still running, but what David's interested in, we've established this, we spent a lot of the early days of this podcast talking about all the different ways you can lower yourself into the bath and then established there only is really one way
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of doing it. This infuriates me. Pierre, what I like to do is I go as hot as pass, okay?
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And then I add some cold to bring it to, it's hard because your hand, as you're measuring, whether it's too hot, has acclimatized to it.
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So then you have to, it's the introduction of the foot that really reveals the temperature.
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I stand in it to the point of pain and then slowly just start to sway my little ball bag, which at this point has developed a sort of leathery fireproof texture to it.
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And I teabag it into the goulash. Then there follows the rest of David O'Doherty.
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At this stage, your ball bag is like one of those pouches from Game of Thrones filled with coins that they sort of throw at each other.
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A leather pouch that you'd throw at a mercenary dismissively. I said, bring him. David, he does that on the streets of Dublin with his ball bag.
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And I suppose as you're sort of lowering your ball bag, the steam is kind of lowering it as well, right?
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By heating it. It's sort of getting longer inherently from the approaching warmth. Oh my God.
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No, that does not happen. I don't. Yes, I'm 49. Yes, I need glasses. But I refuse to get glasses because that'll be an acknowledgement that I'm aging.
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And so would a distended ball bag. That from standing above it, it just starts to sway to pendulum through the water.
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But we're not here for David's 49-year-old ball bag. We're here for your 34-year-old ball bag.
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That's what we're here for. Bang on. If you need someone to age a ball bag, I think there's no one better.
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It's like sexing sea life. It's so difficult sometimes because it's already wrinkly. It's wrinkly when you're young.
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I once went on You Bet and I could, just from looking at the ball bags of every character from every Australian soap opera, do each character.
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When Darren Day was the host, I got all of them. Harold Bishop, actually, is a very easy one to get.
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But, you know, it's hard between Don Fisher and Al Stewart, but I did it all.
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Anyway, how are you lowering yourself into the butt, Pierre? Give us your bath. We'll pop a picture of Pierre's ball bag in the show notes.
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Yeah, yeah, yeah. They don't let you do the picture round of the pub quiz anymore.
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You can't do anything these days. You can't even have a, whose ball bag is this round in a pub quiz?
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Through the keyhole. But whose ball bag is this? I would say I'm lowering myself in the standard way, I think.
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Feet facing the taps. Arms for support. Ass first. I conversely, like a coward, I shield the ball bag as much as I can.
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Yeah, yeah. You sort of squeeze it up above the legs. I sort of don't let it be first.
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I try and angle, the ass down. I try and shield the men from the horrors of war.
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It's a good name for this episode is Don't Let It Be First. Whereas, you know, David is very much, you know, over the top lads.
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You know, they're the infantrymen at the Somme. Okay, so we're in the bath. Are you sitting in silence?
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Are you reading anything? Are you listening to anything? Great question. I've lately become, it's not my podcast, it's not this podcast, but I've become very addicted to and recent long-haul flights was obsessively coping with being crammed in chairs by listening to Three Bean Salad.
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Oh, yeah. Lovely podcast. I've been binging it like a real freak. Yeah. Yeah, so I think I had that on and I was treating myself to the two untouched free packets of biscuits in the bath.
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Oh, this is great. Yeah. What biscuits have we got there? Have we got a shortbread?
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What's in the, what have we got? It was a shortbread biscuit with raisins in, which, you know, okay, fine.
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That's the punishment round. That's the punishment biscuit. Okay. Get that out of the way.
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Get that out of the way, right? Yeah, that's the broccoli biscuit there. And then a good old-fashioned chocolate chip, the good version of the former.
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Oh, wonderful. Pierre, while, when you woke up in Marjorie, did you make Marjorie's famous tea or coffee just from the sachets?
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I didn't, but only because I knew that I would be being given a sort of insanely large, and I mean, I love a lot of coffee in the morning, but this particular venue was,
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was dishing out almost French bowl-style large coffees with the breakfast buffet, so I thought, okay, great.
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I'll do that when I'm down there. Fuck myself up with one of those. Are the biscuits in one, or do you nibble?
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What's your tactic? Let's say 50%, and then the remaining half, I'd say. I could go all in one, but even I have to put artificial limits on myself in this ridiculous scenario.
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Interruption. This isn't about me, but last night I had a bath. I worked quite hard yesterday.
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I'm trying to write this new show, and so I was going to go to the pub for one pint, and in the end I said, no, I'll have a pint,
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and I've never done this before, but I'll have a pint in the bath. And also it was Nitro Surge, the stupidest Guinness of all, where you clamp a plastic thing that doesn't do anything onto the top of the can and pour it into.
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It was a real pandemic purchase, but something that I just, in the same way that I don't particularly like tea, but I like making tea, and then, I enjoy drinking it from this Japanese ceremonial aspect.
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I enjoy Nitro Surging. And so I was sitting in the bath with a pint.
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Helen Copter was out at dinner, and I thought I heard her come in, and I suddenly had a moment of, this looks really bad.
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So I glugged down the whole pint, because Helen Copter would just freely walk into the bathroom, fine, see how I'm doing.
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So then I got the glass and put it up underwater, like under my leg, which is even more guilty.
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David, why have you got a pint glass under your right knee? Helen Copter wouldn't care about this.
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Anyway, it wasn't her coming in. But you sensed that you had opened a door.
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Yeah. It was dangerous to open. And can I ask if, was it quite a cold Nitro Surge Guinness, or was it room temperature?
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No, it was absolutely delicious. Okay, good. Maybe it's this podcast that has ruined my brain, Pierre, but I'm imagining reading in Helen's autobiography, where she's like, I knew he had a serious problem one night when I came home,
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and he was drinking a pint of Guinness in the bath. Or when he seemed so drunk that he smashed a load of glass into the bath.
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Sort of smelled enough of Guinness that I wasn't sure how many he'd had. Much worse.
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It was strange when I realised he'd been hiding a pint glass in his distended, ageing ball bag.
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Sorry, we didn't need to take it there. Okay, so you've had a bath. Great stuff.
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Another fun fact about me, Pierre, it seems like I never learned to dry myself.
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So famously, I put on clothes after any sort of bath or shower, and the clothes are all wet.
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Do you dry yourself well? I have had to out of necessity of doing that exact problem and also realising that if the bath is as hot as you and I make it,
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then you've got a kind of post-bath sweat sometimes. You do. If you're not careful.
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A red lobster. So the way I get around it is I hang out in the nuddy in the house sometimes post-bath, just because the redness of the hot water will insulate you from whatever chills there are in the house to the point where sometimes in summer
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I'll stand in the garden. I'm lucky enough my garden isn't overlooked by anyone and I'll just stand out there pointing my nuts at the stars.
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Yeah. That's great. Naked steaming garden time. Astronomy. Naked steaming astronomy is what it's called.
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A steaming nude astronomer. It's a great. What a great idea. How powerful he'd look glistening and steaming.
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It's when I make some of my greatest observations about the heavens as well. Ursa Minor, regard.
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There it is. Steam. I'm just naked now. This is like a deleted scene from fucking Red Dragon.
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This is incredible. You ever seen a ball bag in the moonlight, Will? Yeah, are you airing yourself then?
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We need to know how you're going to dry yourself. I'm rigorous toweling. Yeah, they're good towels.
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Good soft towels you've got here. Yeah. In margin. A rigorous toweling followed by frantic packing.
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And have you spilt out into the hotel room or are you putting that sort of well set?
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I'd gone to the hotel straight from Heathrow with my big month-long Australian Comedy Festival suitcase full of crap.
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And so I was already in a chaotic packing situation. So I thought unpacking this is actually more messy than just living out of a suitcase for Easter weekend.
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And I'm always so filled with admiration with people who are, you know, two days is how long they're in the hotel room.
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They've put their underpants in a drawer. Like they fucking live there. Oh, I like that.
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I'm those people. They're mad. But there are people from the 1920s or something, you know.
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It's so impressive to me to know that you're not going to be there very long and still behave as if like, well, my new home for however long.
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Do you know what? Actually, I'm better in a hotel. When I get there and I think, right, I'm going to put my stuff in a drawer.
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It makes me feel really sort of calm and good. But in my own house, it is just shove it in the cupboard and I don't know where any of my pants are.
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They're all just on the line. So maybe it's just the liberation of being away makes me want to get organised because I know I don't have that much stuff.
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I'm not sure, but I am one of those people. Do you think, Max, it might be because, you know, with a three-year-old and a several-month-old, there is a degree of chaos in your house that is almost, you know,
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with just urine and slurry just dropping through the ceiling at any moment on top of your head.
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Do you think that when you then go to stay in a hotel, there's almost an opportunity to reimagine your life?
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You know, who would I be if I wasn't that person? No, because I always have done this and I'm trying to think if I've been to a hotel since having children.
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I mean, I did used to go to Sydney a fair bit, I guess, to do the football.
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So then I would just leave it in the bag. But if I'm on a holiday, I'd like to unpack.
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I can't give you a reasoning. Yeah, well, it's become ritual. It's been ritualised by now.
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I think so. So anyway, you frantically pack. Yeah, I'm throwing stuff in there. There's no rhyme or reason to it.
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It's all going to have to get washed when I get home. There's no need to do any serious organising of this.
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Have you chosen... I mean, sometimes at the end of a tour like this, you're down to absolute brass tacks.
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So I would say it might be pretty chaotic, the look that you have chosen.
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Am I right in saying you're going down to meet your family at breakfast now in a minute?
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You are correct, yeah. Yes, my parents, my sisters and brothers-in-law and their kids, yeah.
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Wow. And is your fiancée left because she doesn't like them? Great question. Great question.
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She is left to go to Florida, brackets temporarily. She is in Florida as we speak for a work thing.
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At Mar-a-Lago? Is she at Mar-a-Lago? Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's the new minister for defence.
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Is she Andrew Tate? Actually, I'm marrying Andrew Tate and he's going to be the lady in this kind of pretense we've cooked up.
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He's going to be your fiancée. He's my fiancée now and he says it's something to do with visas or I don't know, but I don't think he has to pretend to be a lady for the visa.
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Anyway, it's up to him. He's the one paying me. He's paying me in all those loose Rolexes he poses with, just a big cool draw of clattering loose watches of unknown provenance.
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What's sexier than that? A load of jangling time. In pieces. You've gone downstairs. All you have are flip flops, a pair of tight togs and a T-shirt with Struth.
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Why not relax in Cairns, mate? With a picture of a seagull on it. You've genuinely, in terms of the actual items you've described, you've literally described the exact tight shorts, sandals and a weird old T-shirt.
25:18 - 25:26
It's absolutely correct. Yeah. In this case, Dan Muggleton, the comedian Dan Muggleton's merch, that he very kindly gave me.
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He's wearing a Muggleton. So when you get down to breakfast, are your family all there sitting waiting?
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Are you the last to arrive or what's the scene? It's slightly hard to tell when I arrive because sometimes the children wander off or they've eaten already or my niece is very young.
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She's sort of one and a bit. And so she sometimes has to just go and be sort of dealt with in a different room or distracted by something.
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And it's a child-friendly hotel, so the breakfast zone is filled with these scenarios. We're not standing out.
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It's designed to be like this. Right. It's soft play. It's cushions. Everything shoots out of an air.
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This is great. Tony the tiger is serving. The different icons of the breakfast cereal are serving that particular breakfast cereal.
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That's good. An incredibly sullen Bluey is making omelets. Watery omelets. I used to be famous.
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Do you know, I used to, yeah, I used to. I used to have my own show.
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That's what he's saying. No, you can't have mushrooms and ham. You've got to choose one filling with the cheese.
26:30 - 26:39
Poor Bluey. It's policy, mate. It's not my decision, okay? I know it's mad. Honey Monster is there.
26:39 - 26:47
I don't fit in these baths either. I'm just too big. And he takes so long to fucking dry and he stinks.
26:47 - 26:56
It's so damp and horrible. The matted hair of Honey Monster. Honey Monster's hair is so matted it's become almost dreadlock-like, and then that's a whole new problem.
26:56 - 27:07
And now he's done for cultural appropriation. The Honey Monster, he's complaining about being cancelled, and that's why he has to make the boiled eggs in the hotel.
27:07 - 27:20
Okay, so what's actually happening? It's a breakfast buffet with the singular marker of high quality, in my opinion, which is extraordinarily crisp and deep-coloured sort of bacon.
27:20 - 27:29
Just really, there's no pink at all, all the fat's fully rendered. It's not quite crisp to the point of shattering like glass, but it's halfway to that.
27:29 - 27:34
You know that'll happen in 30 years' time, though, when you go to visit the specialist.
27:34 - 27:41
He or she will just look up at this scan, I will say. Have you ever stayed in Marjorie?
27:41 - 27:47
Did you have the bacon afterwards? Did you have the bacon shortly after a hot bath?
27:47 - 27:57
Because that's what causes this. Are they in the nice, round, hot dishes with a big handle that you open up and you've got some good baked beans?
27:57 - 28:03
You've got sausage, bacon, tomatoes, hash browns, beans. That would be my... You're exactly right.
28:03 - 28:11
They are in the sort of submarine tank hatch containers. Yeah, yeah. They're in the Red October serving style.
28:11 - 28:29
The robo-closh, as it's known. That would be a different film if at the end they pull into Riga and the submarine surfaces at the top, just opens and just beans start to volcano out.
28:29 - 28:35
You'll put one of ours in the hospital. We'll put one of yours in the morgue.
28:35 - 28:41
Now, what I've done there is I've mixed up the wrong Sean Connery films because he was the captain of Red October.
28:41 - 28:47
Yes. But that was in the one where he was a mafia boss. Yes. What was that?
28:47 - 29:02
I made a basic error. The Untouchables. This is a problem where sometimes my brain, it fails to differentiate between different roles that the same actor has played, which can sometimes affect my enjoyment of a film.
29:02 - 29:08
And that's what happened there. I apologise to you, Pierre. I apologise to the listeners of What Did You Do Yesterday.
29:08 - 29:14
Okay, so do you go and sully yourself with the pointless yoghurt and muesli before you get on to your big fryer?
29:14 - 29:23
I down a Yakult immediately to prep the body for what's coming. The specialist says, oh, you did have a Yakult before.
29:23 - 29:32
Oh, then you're absolutely fine. If anything, you know, please have some money. Here's a prize for being so clever.
29:32 - 29:43
You got a pre-gestif before a big fry and you've done that. Great. Yeah. I go big on the bacon and the unusually high quality scrambled eggs.
29:43 - 29:52
Hmm. Good. Normally scrambled eggs are the one thing that these places can't do. I don't know if it comes from a packet or...
29:52 - 30:04
My brother, you said... He used to work in a hotel and he said that the poached eggs, even in posh hotels, are pre-made and then thrown in for the last 30 seconds.
30:04 - 30:18
Like you sort of make them into the golf balls and swirl them around. So I always feel that with most of this stuff, it's pre-makeable and that's the priority for even a hotel as high quality as the one that you're in.
30:18 - 30:31
I'm not sure how they managed it. The problem in most places is either what you get is sort of a scrambled egg version of kind of separate sort of blobs of scrambled eggs.
30:31 - 30:41
It becomes almost like pasta, just so that it's so separate and dry. Grains of omelette, I guess you could call it.
30:41 - 30:51
Or you get a sort of solid loaf of egg that you kind of carve sections out of with the spoon, like a tray bake.
30:51 - 30:57
That's been sort of gently poached in this sort of one-inch-deep watery sludge as well.
30:57 - 31:01
Well, then you get the excessively wet one, yeah. Because they've got all the eggs always dry out.
31:01 - 31:08
That's the problem. Let's make these fucking sloppy, revolting... Yeah, exactly. So now I'd like to ask about the toast situation.
31:08 - 31:16
Because I think one of the most stressful places in life is the toasters. Because there's a lot of stress.
31:16 - 31:26
Obviously, it's never right when it's gone through once. It either doesn't work once and you put it through twice and it's totally burnt or it's totally done on one side and it's like the freshest bread on the other side.
31:26 - 31:32
But also, there's that fear that someone hanging around that toaster is going to get your toast.
31:32 - 31:36
And you don't want to look like this really matters to you, but it really matters to you.
31:36 - 31:42
So I'm interested in their toast. Maybe they have an actual toaster, which is like a real step above.
31:42 - 31:47
They had an actual toaster. I'm happy to report. That's amazing. I'm happy to report.
31:47 - 31:53
Although I will say, I still have the problem of, well, now that I'm waiting for this toaster to pop up, my...
31:53 - 31:59
My breakfast is rapidly cooling. I should have done this first. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You can't hope to remember that.
31:59 - 32:13
The Toasty Boys are an international gang based in Dubai, and they have people standing at a lot of those toasters, the sort of conveyor belt style toasters, and they nick them and immediately pop them on the dark web.
32:13 - 32:18
Wow, that's understandable. Is this a fourer toaster, an eighter? Have they got two fourers?
32:18 - 32:23
What have they got here? I suppose it's a fourer, yeah. It's pretty wide. It's a pretty long...
32:23 - 32:26
It's a long boy that people are toasting stuff in. And what are you going for?
32:26 - 32:31
Brown bread, two slice. Brown bread, two slice. And it's not that kind of obnoxiously brown bread.
32:31 - 32:45
It's actually pretty medium. This is classic, classic bullshit, Pierre, where you've just put the worst stuff imaginable on your plate and then think you can mitigate that.
32:45 - 32:56
You know, it's like having a full meal and a giant dessert and seconds and then putting like canderel in your coffee at the end like you're fooling no one with this.
32:56 - 33:06
I think what it is, is you're looking at just like incredibly rendered fat bacon and sort of very clearly, very buttery eggs and thinking this is going to need help traveling through me.
33:06 - 33:12
It needs to be like a, hey, keep moving. A fiber gondola is what you're hoping for here.
33:12 - 33:26
Fiber gondola is the name of the steaming astrophysicist. I tell you, I've dropped a few fiber gondolas in my time, but we won't go into that right now.
33:26 - 33:33
Okay. So we sit down, you get your coffee as well, or do you put the plate down and then go back and get the coffee?
33:33 - 33:36
Maybe it's because the child-friendly thing, I don't know, but they're like, you have to ask us for coffee.
33:36 - 33:40
Everything else you get yourself, but you have to ask us. So I beg for my coffee.
33:40 - 33:45
I've gone a single hash brown and some mushrooms as well, but no beans. I'm very anti-beans.
33:45 - 33:53
I won't say that now. Yeah, me too. I'm very pro-beans. And this is a huge like cultural, I mean, I don't think it's cultural.
33:53 - 33:59
I just think, there are people on both. It's very polarised debate. It's probably the biggest culture war there is, I imagine.
33:59 - 34:05
So I hope we can continue the podcast. It's the UK and Australia that is like the main market for Heinz baked beans on earth.
34:05 - 34:10
In America, it's like weird cowboys eat it. It's strange. Well, I think it's essential.
34:10 - 34:16
I love it. I don't want ketchup. I just want beans. And I don't mind them near the egg as well, which can really upset a lot of people.
34:16 - 34:22
Come on. I'm sorry, guys. I'm sorry. I've been cancelled. Okay, right. But this is your breakfast.
34:22 - 34:32
That's what we need to know about. And then I ask for my coffee and then I sit and I engage with, I can't remember which of the various nephews and niece was around.
34:32 - 34:37
But, you know, my nephews are four and six, so they, they're quite excitable and fun to talk to.
34:37 - 34:47
I'm the sort of fun uncle. Are you? So do you say something like top five animals and then you dunk the hash brown in your coffee and just pop it straight into your mouth?
34:47 - 34:57
Go. What I enjoy doing is speaking to them in sort of vague threats. So I tell them to do responsible things, but for reasons that are sort of baffling and odd.
34:57 - 35:00
Yes. So you say like, why should they all be, you have to eat that.
35:00 - 35:05
And they'll say, why? They say, if you don't, your head will go all big and red and fall off and then you have to live in the woods.
35:05 - 35:17
This is good stuff. That kind of thing. Also, they're free to call me strange things like the four-year-old in particular enjoys calling me smelly bum eyes or stinky teeth or poo ears.
35:17 - 35:25
You know, he's getting creative with the nouns and the adjectives. Just so you know, he's obviously been on the forums because that's what everyone in the comedy industry calls you,
35:25 - 35:34
Pierre. So you're aware of that. He's a very influential producer. They're trying to get the youth involved so they've asked him.
35:34 - 35:39
I keep having to stop myself calling you stinky teeth just so you know that.
35:39 - 35:45
Okay. My number one tactic. Oh, carry on, David. I know what you're saying. We're less than an hour into Pierre's day.
35:45 - 35:52
It's 40 minutes in and it's 9.15. It's real time. It's the first real time episode. Like 24.
35:53 - 36:04
Okay, fine. Pierre, take it through the next six hours in under 30 seconds. I can do this.
36:04 - 36:08
I can do this. We eat breakfast. We hang out a bit. We say goodbye.
36:08 - 36:12
My parents gave me a lift to the train station. I take a very boring, uneventful train.
36:12 - 36:15
Well, hang on. Slow down. This is too much now. This is too quick. How are your parents?
36:15 - 36:20
Good. Yeah, they're good. And you spent the day with them. I mean, we can't know this.
36:20 - 36:26
This isn't the first time you've seen them since. No. Melbourne. Right, okay. No. So there's no family.
36:26 - 36:30
The family all get on is what I'm saying. There's no kind of actually everyone hates someone.
36:30 - 36:43
Everyone hates Dave and we don't talk about it. I remember Fern Brady saying to me that the weirdest thing about me as a comedian was that I get on with my parents and that my family is a sort of like a pretty large group of quite reasonable people
36:43 - 36:51
who are sort of very calm. It's quite odd, yeah. For the industry I'm in anyway.
36:51 - 37:00
And would the family, do this everyone meet in a hotel thing or twist, do your parents run the hotel?
37:00 - 37:08
Is it like Fawlty Towers? Oh, I imagine. Imagine the amount of free, imagine the amount of influence I'd have over the egg situation.
37:08 - 37:16
Yeah, that's true. Imagine the sort of nepo breakfasts I'd be enjoying. I'd get dinner for breakfast.
37:16 - 37:23
I'd be like, can we do hoisin duck pancakes for breakfast, please? Even more, you'd just walk into the kitchen, wouldn't you?
37:23 - 37:28
Yeah. You'd be like, it's all right. I'd slap Colin on the back and ask him how the scrambled eggs are doing this morning.
37:28 - 37:40
No, I'd be even more annoyed. I'd walk in the out of the doors that swing and the waiter would have all the beans and he'd knock them all over himself and I'd be like,
37:40 - 37:45
get my parents to fix that for you. You know what I mean? I'd be real arsehole of this.
37:45 - 37:48
Not a hotel. They don't run the hotel, to be clear. But it's a nice time.
37:48 - 37:52
If they're nice and it's friendly, then we don't need to go down, unless there was some real vitriol there.
37:52 - 37:57
It's not interesting for us. But it's nice for you, I guess, that you have a nice family.
37:57 - 38:05
That is yin and yang, isn't it? Beautifully put, Max. Zero content potential. Yeah, no content, but a nice life.
38:05 - 38:13
Love is the content. Thank you. Okay, so we're on the 1034. From what station, please?
38:13 - 38:18
From, oh God, one of those stations where you think, this isn't a name. Oh, yeah.
38:18 - 38:26
Soddington-Nudbury. One of those kind of branch lines. Yeah. It's either something like that, or it's like, Plym.
38:26 - 38:36
Yeah. Everything is from a P.G. Woodhouse novel. There's parts of England where, yeah, this can't be real.
38:36 - 38:44
This train will be calling at Vicar in the Wheat. Bishop's Rage. Upper Bishop's Rage.
38:44 - 38:53
Presumably, then, this is a little tributary into like a main station before we can get to London.
38:53 - 38:58
Or is this on the direct line? It's the direct slow train. So it's via Southampton.
38:58 - 39:06
But yes, it stops at every bullshit chocolate box town. Wow. Fuckhampton. They're all there.
39:06 - 39:11
Have you got a first class ticket with a serviette behind your head and free stuff?
39:11 - 39:18
Or are you with the people? I'm in my shorts and sandals and my smelly T-shirt and I'm lugging my oversized bag into the carriage.
39:18 - 39:22
And if there is such a thing, if we can coin a term, it's Easter Tuesday.
39:22 - 39:28
There's no Christmas. There's no one really around. Oh, great. I only understand things in terms of Easter.
39:28 - 39:41
It's going to be Easter October in a few months. Yeah. On the train, it's just a bunch of Easter bunnies who've clocked off work and they've got the head under one arm.
39:41 - 39:51
You just see the Easter, the huge thing in the Southampton general area. You change in Southampton and then back into our London town.
39:51 - 39:59
Oh, back into London. Oh, how I've missed London with its filth and frightening looking people loitering everywhere.
39:59 - 40:02
So do you change in Southampton or do you just stay on the slow one?
40:02 - 40:08
Straight shot. Straight in. Straight shot. Okay, so how long is this journey? Hour and a half.
40:08 - 40:13
Devon to London on a slow train, hour and a half. This is amazing. I think it's hour and a half, maybe two, yeah.
40:13 - 40:20
Max, you've been in Australia so long, you don't know the upgrading to high speed rail all over England.
40:20 - 40:29
You can get from anywhere to anywhere else in an hour and a half. People have been telling me Britain's become a great place since I left in the last three years.
40:29 - 40:33
That's all I've been hearing. Okay, so do we listen to another three bean salad?
40:33 - 40:39
What are we listening to? We do, yeah. We do do that. We do some email admin and we listen to those guys.
40:39 - 40:44
Where do we get into? Waterloo? Waterloo, that's right. Okay, okay. This is quite a nice one.
40:44 - 40:51
That's not a bad one, is it? Yeah, it's okay. For some reason, it still had the kind of artery open into the tube direct from the platform.
40:51 - 40:56
Don't have to go in and out. So that was fun. Do you guys know the story of Waterloo?
40:56 - 41:03
How ABBA were once on the train and they were composing a song. It's similar to the Paddington backstory.
41:03 - 41:10
And it was just about Napoleon winning a war and stuff. They were like, we don't have a title for this.
41:10 - 41:17
Then let's call it whatever the next station is called. And they pulled it. And that's why it's actually called Waterloo.
41:17 - 41:20
Would you say that will stay in or will that get edited out? I think it might.
41:20 - 41:28
If you think about what they could have called it. And they're just falling asleep on the night train and woken up and gone South Wimbledon.
41:28 - 41:34
This will never work as a song. Shit. Yeah. Shit. Try again. Thayden Bois. Thayden Bois.
41:34 - 41:41
Forget it. Okay. So you've got to lug your big bag down the stairs onto the Northern line probably.
41:41 - 41:46
And then. Now it's time to be an obstacle for others through the tube. Yeah.
41:46 - 41:51
But it's London. So you've got like eight year olds with a little trolley and they're like, can I help you mate?
41:51 - 41:59
While their friend comes in and tries to pickpocket you and because you've just been in Australia for a month, you've forgotten that this is what life is like.
41:59 - 42:10
I'm sort of too distracted by planes and buildings over three stories high. And yeah, because it's London and these urchins are wary of me because of my deep tan and foreign ways.
42:10 - 42:19
Yeah, but they're modern urchins. So they're like, all right, governor, can I get your four code for your phone, please?
42:19 - 42:25
And you're like, yes, it's three, seven, six, four. Thank you, mate. The road man.
42:25 - 42:30
Oh, you fell for it again, Pierre. Great. So an uneventful tube ride. Uneventful tube ride.
42:30 - 42:37
I get into my flat, but then see, here's the thing. I have to start packing because we're moving house.
42:37 - 42:41
We're moving house straight in. I'm straight into packing. So in a way it's good.
42:41 - 42:46
You've already packed quite a lot of stuff in one suitcase. Like it's sort of jobs a little bit done.
42:46 - 42:56
Yes, all my smelliest clothes are in one place. So is that why as we speak on this call I'm seeing bookshelves behind you with nothing on.
42:56 - 43:03
I thought it was just you hadn't won any awards yet. You were trying to manifest the awards by just buying the bookshelves.
43:03 - 43:12
You haven't read any books. Not one. Actually, I haven't. It's about showing people that I've not read any books and I'm very ostentatious about that.
43:12 - 43:18
If I'm on an official meeting Zoom people say, have you read anything good lately?
43:18 - 43:22
I go, what do you fucking think? What do you think? Take a look. Take a look at that.
43:22 - 43:26
I don't even, the Ikea label on the bookshelf, yeah? So hang on a second.
43:26 - 43:32
Your Fianc has gone away and you've got to pack the house alone. Oh, sucker.
43:32 - 43:40
Whoa, that's tough. We're jet lagged as well. Yeah, well, I don't have to but if I don't, I will gain nothing.
43:40 - 43:51
Yes, true. Okay. Yeah, if I wait entirely for her to return and she will also be jet lagged and I have just been sort of sitting around eating Chinese takeaway and wanking,
43:51 - 43:57
then I will still, I have to do inevitably all the heavy things but in an atmosphere of resentment.
43:57 - 44:08
When must it all be packed away? How long have we got? We've got another day and a half, I'd say at least, maybe two days.
44:08 - 44:12
And so that's fine. That's easy. I've done a lot of it. All the books are done.
44:12 - 44:23
All the books. As in no books. We know. Sorry. So yeah, all the porn magazines and all the porn magazines and carpet sample books have been, packed away.
44:23 - 44:33
And what car? That's it. Actually, this is true. A friend of mine called Tom had to go and give a sample.
44:33 - 44:39
I think when he's in and his partner trying to have kids and you know, they say go into this, the vestibule and there's all these porn magazines.
44:39 - 44:46
There was auto car, auto trailer. There was like, he tells it in a way that he's not bullshitting.
44:46 - 44:55
That was in the, this is what gets me going. Ford Orion. A 2016 Ford Orion.
44:55 - 45:02
Now I can get this job done. Just going through the small ads and until you find Ford Sierra.
45:02 - 45:12
No, Ford Fiesta. Ford Orion. Hubba hubba splodge. Do you think in like a really, really fancy clinic it would be like country life and stuff, you know?
45:12 - 45:18
Yeah, yeah, yeah. That horse and hound. That'll get me going. Exactly. Okay, so you get home.
45:18 - 45:21
Are you straight? Hang on. Oh, you've had a big breakfast. So do we eat anything on the train?
45:21 - 45:29
Sorry. No, the breakfast, powers us through the train. Okay. And so we're in the house and now you just get in and go, right, I've got to start packing.
45:29 - 45:36
We're in. I've already got all the kind of off Amazon unassembled cardboard boxes, rolls of duct tape.
45:36 - 45:47
It's a real kidnapper's bounty of duct tape I've got. Interruption. Yes. I helped someone move last week and we went to another storage place.
45:47 - 45:52
She was putting stuff in storage and I said, can I get some boxes from you?
45:52 - 45:57
And they were like, how many? How many do you need? And we got 10 boxes, some tape.
45:57 - 46:06
It was 90 euros. Fuck off. Fuck off. They were very high quality boxes, but they were still just cardboard boxes.
46:06 - 46:12
Oh, come on. How much are you paying for those boxes? I got like 50 for like nine pounds.
46:12 - 46:17
Yeah, but they are going to, you're going to be carrying your book and the bottom is going to fall out.
46:17 - 46:26
As you're traipsing up the stairs of your new place. As I assemble these, I was sort of duct taping the vulnerable areas.
46:26 - 46:35
Yeah, very clever. Just to try and ensure. Do you have like tactics? Are you just like get everything or have you like a Google Doc saying this is what I need to put where and all that kind of stuff?
46:35 - 46:40
I would say my tactics extend as far as writing the word books on the boxes that contain lots of books.
46:40 - 46:51
Yeah, good system. And my genius move of we've still got some bottles of booze from when we got engaged and I've still got a few bottles of whiskey from just like,
46:51 - 46:55
I think once you're over a certain age, it's just such an easy gift for people to get you as a man.
46:55 - 47:03
It's just some booze and whiskey. I'm doubling up on packing all my woolens and all the my booze.
47:03 - 47:15
There's a box of woolly booze. Three time US Senator Willie Booze. Pierre, do you find anything?
47:15 - 47:29
And obviously you do, but I understand you may not wish to mention it, which has great sentimental value that you had lost for years then makes you question the whole engagement, etc.
47:29 - 47:35
You're like, hmm, maybe I should give her a rig and then she's like, we never should have broken, you know what I mean?
47:35 - 47:39
Like, obviously you don't have to tell us about it, but I'd say that's definitely what happened.
47:39 - 47:49
Is that what happened? The sliding doors stuff. What I did find, I will say, it didn't make me question the engagement, but I did find a book that an ex-girlfriend got me so long ago and I thought,
47:49 - 47:59
I swear I sort of gave it to charity or anything. I've got one of those bookcases where you get to the point where you think there's so many books I'm going to just start kind of hiding them on top where only I'm tall enough to see
47:59 - 48:08
because I can't be asked to file these somewhere and it was there. It was in the lost, the island of misfit toys next to a sort of ambitious cookbook.
48:08 - 48:11
Yeah. The next thing you know, you wake up the next day with the book.
48:11 - 48:21
You're three quarters of the way through. It's there, open, on your bare chest with a chicken chow mein to one side and I can't say what to the other.
48:21 - 48:30
Was it a novel? It was a non-fiction account of Joseph Grimaldi. It was a book about Joseph Grimaldi.
48:30 - 48:38
The Italian revolutionary? The clown. The guy who invented modern clowning and panto. I think Gary Baldy was the revolutionary.
48:38 - 48:47
Contemporary Italy would be a very different place if a clown had established. Well done, Max.
48:47 - 48:57
You know me well enough at this point that you saw exactly Garibaldi. Pennywise who reunified Italy.
48:57 - 49:06
It was a strange time, wasn't it? Also, it would be different if the father of modern clowning was an Italian revolutionary.
49:06 - 49:15
Clowning itself would be much more serious. And now we must have a conference with people from the south to discuss how I will fall off this chair.
49:15 - 49:21
Yeah. The funniest thing you can do is have two pistols and shoot a load of French mercenaries.
49:21 - 49:28
That's the funniest thing you can do. Yeah. Okay, so how long are you packing for?
49:28 - 49:36
Is this the rest of the day? When's lunch? What's happening? There's no lunch. I get in at 2, 2.30.
49:36 - 49:43
And I'm just doing this till like till 7.30 or so. Till the books are done and also I ran out of bubble wrap.
49:43 - 49:51
I'm getting more today. Okay. We've reached an interesting point here in the podcast because finally in six months.
49:53 - 50:05
The large hotel breakfast should turn your day into a two meal day. Yes. Because it's not so much brunch because I feel brunch implies lighter.
50:05 - 50:09
It's rare that a brunch for me will do and create a two meal day.
50:09 - 50:15
However, like a hotel stodge fest like you have had, you know what I mean?
50:15 - 50:26
That should see you right through. Does it see you right through? Yeah, it saw me right through till I ordered a kind of self-congratulatory Chinese.
50:26 - 50:34
But this is exhausting work. Packing is exhausting. Exhausting. While you're doing it, are you thinking this is the right thing or why didn't we just live here for another five years?
50:34 - 50:44
I think this is the right thing. Yeah, it's time to move on. I'm stacking the book boxes in a kind of out of the way bit as much as I can.
50:44 - 50:48
I'm trying to find places for things. There's a lot of displacement of objects going on.
50:48 - 50:56
As soon as she wakes up in Florida though, do you feel the need to alert her to the fact of the great work that you're doing?
50:56 - 51:03
Like maybe a photo of all the book boxes? She made the rookie mistake of asking what I was up to.
51:03 - 51:07
Yeah. Now it's time to get some credit for all the heavy moving I'm doing.
51:07 - 51:15
Yeah, exactly right. Exactly right. No photo though. I should have. I should have done that.
51:15 - 51:19
I got even more credit. Recognize this place now? Something like that as the caption.
51:19 - 51:32
Yeah, that's good. That's good. And also, perfect excuse for not, I've packed up all of our books, but I'm not going to touch her clothes or shoes because so much can go awry.
51:32 - 51:38
You have to be in charge of that because if I get in trouble for like, these are crumpleton shoes.
51:38 - 51:45
You don't smush them in a box. Now they're dead. I don't know. But you could do a kind of, yeah, understated, I'm just so sorry.
51:45 - 51:56
I haven't had time for the teaspoons, but everything's done. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, so I've got this image of you've ordered, you've gone Uber Eats.
51:56 - 52:10
What's the Chinese order? We're at 7 p.m. Wow, what a jump. I used to have a routine where I say, I always get the same thing from a Chinese restaurant when I order a takeaway every single time and it is slightly too much.
52:10 - 52:15
That's my go-to order. Yeah. Okay, so let me, I mean, I'm not calling you basic, Pierre.
52:15 - 52:20
You know, I would never say that about you. No, no. But I'm now going to try and guess the order.
52:20 - 52:28
I will say, I will say, there are two go-to orders in my head. There is a basic one and I did go basic because I felt I'd earned it.
52:28 - 52:33
But there is a non-basic, pretentious London one. Okay, we can do both. We can do both.
52:33 - 52:40
If you can guess both, I'd be very impressed. Okay, so prawn crackers, obviously. You've then got chicken and sweet corn soup.
52:40 - 52:49
You've got spare ribs. You've got chicken with cashew nuts in it and some greeny thing with an egg fried rice.
52:49 - 52:54
And then this is where you panic because you're like, I might still, I might still be hungry after that.
52:54 - 53:00
So you order some sort of prawn, salty pepper prawn. Thank you. Max, what do you reckon?
53:00 - 53:03
I'm saying that it's too much. I think you're going, you're right with the prawn crackers.
53:03 - 53:12
Then it's chicken and black bean sauce and crispy pancakes. Interesting. Between the two of you, you're close.
53:12 - 53:19
So the prawn crackers are just generic. In this case, it's beef and black bean sauce and egg fried rice.
53:19 - 53:25
I said egg fried rice. Yeah, okay. Other option as well, chicken chow mein, just that kind of like, I don't know how they get the noodles brown.
53:25 - 53:32
How do they do that? Is that sauce? What is that? That kind of fried noodle wok chicken thing.
53:32 - 53:37
Is it like that really the best coffee? It passes through a cat and that's how you get it.
53:37 - 53:45
They're just flossing a cat with noodles. One long noodle. While it just sort of goes.
53:45 - 53:52
And you know, the more expensive, the more cats. So it's kind of like the human centipede, but with cats and noodles.
53:52 - 53:58
Below all of James Acaster's cats. That's how he makes most of his money is that way with the pasta cats.
53:58 - 54:03
You know that scene from The Lady and the Tramp with the piece of pasta that's going between the two.
54:03 - 54:09
What you don't see is that it goes out both of their arses and travels through six other couples.
54:09 - 54:14
And then after that, it's bum to bum. Then it's mouth to mouth, bum to bum.
54:14 - 54:21
So it's just two bum holes kind of linked. You see, that's not too much.
54:21 - 54:27
What you've told us there is not too much. This place is pretty aggressive with their egg fried rice sizes.
54:27 - 54:35
It's a pretty big old tub of the stuff. They really go for it. It's rare that one egg fried rice will feed many people, won't it?
54:35 - 54:46
Yeah. Interruption, sidebar, just for Max really. What I like to do here with my cooking sometimes is dramatically cross cultures that shouldn't be crossed and for good reason.
54:46 - 54:53
So last night I made the Helen Copter a fried rice dish where I just threw in loads of things.
54:53 - 55:04
But normally I'd put in shitty lardons with it, but only had her very fancy guanciale, which is like the fatty stuff you use to make a carbonara, et cetera.
55:04 - 55:14
So effectively that just dominated the whole party. Yeah. And it seemed like an Italian had tried to make a Chinese meal.
55:14 - 55:22
Thank you. Also feels like you'll be visiting Pierre's specialist sooner than him for a few high fives.
55:22 - 55:27
Yeah. Do you have a cold bottle of lager with this? I think you've deserved it.
55:27 - 55:35
I have my favourite and even less healthy treat. Genuinely, a litre in a bit of Diet Coke.
55:35 - 55:42
Of gravy. Please say gravy. Of Bisto. A litre of Diet Coke. Wow. Yeah. I love Diet Coke so much.
55:42 - 55:46
Do you decant it or do you just swig it from the big plastic bottle?
55:46 - 55:52
I was decanting it. Yes, actually, into a pint glass. I'm not sure why. I have vanity.
55:53 - 55:59
No, that's fine. What I wanted you to say there was, so you got the box that has the jumpers and the whiskey in it.
55:59 - 56:05
Yeah. You shake it such that all the boxes smash and then you hold a glass under one corner.
56:05 - 56:16
It's called Sweater Hooch and it just flows down into it. You can squeeze the jumper like a bagpipe and then this 12-year-old malt just comes out.
56:16 - 56:29
It's called Essence of Aaron. The booze industry has realised it's one, the only way around the Trump tariff on importing and exporting whiskey is to have it just like sweat inside a jumper.
56:29 - 56:37
So everyone's doing it now. All these Scottish people arriving sodden in these heavy woolly jumpers at LaGuardia.
56:37 - 56:49
Stinking. I think a load of whiskey filtered through a load of jumpers is a kind of novelty like Gael Tacht, like West of Ireland drink where it's like, these are the two things,
56:49 - 56:59
like a big thick woolen like fisherman's jumper like Aaron Sweater. And then it's all the whiskeys filtered through the jumpers of all the heaviest smokers in town.
56:59 - 57:12
It's a lovely flavour. All the old fellas are here. And the whiskey is, depending on which old guy you get, it's a different taste.
57:12 - 57:20
Now, are you eating the Chinese? Is there still like a sofa? Are you sitting on a cardboard box?
57:20 - 57:26
Is there just a hole where the telly was and just, muscle memory means you're just staring at this empty wall.
57:26 - 57:33
Like the Punisher. Yeah. In his little empty flat before he does revenge. No, there's still the big hitters are there.
57:33 - 57:36
The couch is still there. The TV is still there. Are you on it? And what are you watching?
57:36 - 57:46
I started watching Taboo on Netflix where Tom Hardy sort of growls and menaces his way around 1814 London, which is quite fun.
57:46 - 57:51
He does that a lot, doesn't he? Because like Bane, you can't understand a word.
57:51 - 57:58
He's like, obviously very keen to get him on the podcast. Great actor. But like, I can't understand.
57:58 - 58:07
Honestly, it was the first time I felt so old was when I went to watch Batman and it was just someone going, I was like, I can't understand what this man's saying.
58:07 - 58:12
I appreciate he's menacing, but what's he on about? Sometimes the scrambled eggs are too wet.
58:12 - 58:23
What do you mean? Anyway, okay. So is this good? Is Taboo good? Just slide the bacon through the egg through the mask.
58:23 - 58:38
It is good. It's Tom Hardy going around with a sort of little hat on, little top hat on, glowering at people, saying, yes, I think you're fine.
58:38 - 58:46
I know more. It's sort of nice costumes and it's quite spooky. There's a sort of ghostly aspect to it.
58:46 - 58:54
I'm actually going to do some live research on who plays the king because he's wearing loads of, the king of England is wearing loads of sort of prosthetics.
58:54 - 59:07
It is Mark Gatiss. Yes, it's Mark Gatiss. He's wearing this massive chin and a big fat belly and they've made his face all blotchy and he's doing this voice and it's great.
59:07 - 59:23
He's so funny in it. It's not supposed to be that funny, but this is very much the power dynamics of our house, but I wanted to watch this and then Helen Copter put forward that we should watch something just lighter and more fun of an evening
59:23 - 59:35
and we ended up watching a six-part documentary on the history of the Vietnam War narrated by Ethan Hawke and that was not lighter, I'm going to say.
59:35 - 59:43
I'm going to say that was a whole lot heavier. Look, if you want to have a very slow harrowing time over the Vietnam War, it's got to be Ken Burns or nothing.
59:43 - 59:55
We've got to be in Burns territory here, but Taboo, it would be lighter than that, but there would be more of an incest theme than in the Vietnam War documentary.
59:55 - 1:00:01
Right, because we have a 12-week-old, we just don't have any brain power for anything.
1:00:01 - 1:00:17
We're watching, I think it's kind of Netflix version of The Traitors and I haven't seen The Traitors yet, but Peter Serafinovich, bizarrely and presumably is hosing away absolute millions, is a kind of butler in this utterly amazing house.
1:00:17 - 1:00:25
I don't know where it is, I presume in the States somewhere and it's called Million Dollar Mansion and someone's the millionaire and all the other, it's a reality show where you have to find out who the millionaire is and vote them out.
1:00:25 - 1:00:37
Peter Serafinovich. Yeah, and like, why is Brian Butterfield doing this? I mean, he's very good at it and obviously I'm like excited that Peter Serafinovich is doing it, but it was a surprise.
1:00:37 - 1:00:42
Because of John Wick, he was the weapon butler in John Wick. Ah, is that right?
1:00:42 - 1:00:59
Okay. Max, is there a chance that due to extreme tiredness you have imagined this entire, it'd be like if I said, you know that show where it's a luxury cruise but Lou Sanders is the captain of the ship and she makes people walk the plank
1:00:59 - 1:01:04
at the end of every episode and it sort of sounds like it could be a thing but it's probably not.
1:01:04 - 1:01:12
You know what I mean? Surely if you want to find the millionaire you just got to, I don't know, start a conversation about what cars people drive or...
1:01:12 - 1:01:15
Oh, no, no. The point is like none of them are millionaires but you're each given a box.
1:01:15 - 1:01:22
Sorry, I didn't explain it very well. So then they open their box in their room and one of them has a million dollars in it and then Peter Serafinovich comes in and says,
1:01:22 - 1:01:40
your agenda is to say the word biscuit to everyone else in the house without raising suspicion and then you will get an extra bonus as we enter elimination night and then presumably he walks off to like a spa for like five hours.
1:01:40 - 1:01:45
It's a gig and you know me, David, my professional jealousy kicks in going, I could be a butler in a big old house.
1:01:45 - 1:01:49
I could do that. Not your professional jealousy. I could do that while I'm also hosting news night.
1:01:49 - 1:01:54
I could do all of these things. Anyway, so how many episodes of Taboo do we watch?
1:01:54 - 1:02:01
Three. Good three hour binge. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Great. I thought earlier on you were trailing maybe.
1:02:01 - 1:02:08
You were click baiting the fact that you'd something to do at 7.30, Pierre. 7.30 is when it all started.
1:02:08 - 1:02:15
The packing ended by virtue of running out of bubble wrap. Got it. I remember, am I crazy?
1:02:15 - 1:02:19
Is this like one of those Facebook pages? Like, do you remember when we had real bin men?
1:02:19 - 1:02:27
Like that shit. But like, I swear bubble wrap was bigger and sort of more cushiony.
1:02:27 - 1:02:32
This stuff was like wartime rationing bubble wrap. Like, we need your bubbles to defeat Hitler.
1:02:32 - 1:02:39
This is how Make America Great Again starts. It's over bullshit like this. Yeah, it starts with, I swear bubble wrap was thicker.
1:02:39 - 1:02:44
And then it turns into, I don't want any more Swedes in this country. I want no more Swedes.
1:02:44 - 1:02:50
Do you remember when you'd pop one bit of bubble wrap and all the windows would blow out in your house?
1:02:50 - 1:02:58
Who remembers that? You'd be deaf for a month. But it was fine because you'd just come back from the First World War and you couldn't hear anyway.
1:02:58 - 1:03:07
What a great evening. Big takeaway. Do you have any dessert? I think that just another pint of Diet Coke was my dessert.
1:03:07 - 1:03:12
Oh, great. Great. They don't do that at the Fat Duck, do they? Would you like to see the dessert menu?
1:03:12 - 1:03:19
I'll have the tiramisu. And for the lady, another pint of Diet Coke. A pint of your finest Diet Coke.
1:03:19 - 1:03:31
From this year. 2025, a good year. Fine year for Diet Coke. Same recipe. I once tried to nitrosurge.
1:03:31 - 1:03:44
So nitrosurge is a stupid device that goes on top of a can. But then one night we were having hijinks, pure horseplay in the house and started nitrosurging other beverages.
1:03:44 - 1:03:53
For example, cans of lager, cans of Coke, et cetera. And it definitely does something because they would massively froth up.
1:03:53 - 1:04:06
But then the hijinks reached its pinnacle, obviously because we nitrosurged some lager. And then I put it in a my soda bottle and then pumped carbonated air into it.
1:04:06 - 1:04:13
And I had to repaint the ceiling. You're lucky you didn't create a kind of fucking pipe bomb effect.
1:04:13 - 1:04:26
Just like aluminium shrapnel scything off one of your limbs. And then you'd have to explain to the specialist, you'd made a kind of hijinks-based bomb IED.
1:04:26 - 1:04:34
273 people died in Dublin last night after an explosion in a block of flats in the west of Dublin.
1:04:34 - 1:04:39
So this is what? What are we now? Half ten? Was it bedtime? Half ten.
1:04:39 - 1:04:52
Yeah, half ten. I was trying to reinstall a game on my PC because I've got some spare time to do some lame video gaming while the fianc is not there.
1:04:52 - 1:05:00
Right. What are we downloading? Lemmings 2? Max's reference are a little out of date. Lemmings 2, Goldeneye, Tetris.
1:05:00 - 1:05:05
It's all getting downloaded. But I spent ages downloading this game and it wouldn't launch.
1:05:05 - 1:05:13
It wouldn't open. So then I had a sort of quite boring half an hour actually going on Reddit trying to see if other nerds had figured out what the problem was and they hadn't.
1:05:13 - 1:05:18
So I just, I went to bed. What a sad end. I know, very sad end.
1:05:18 - 1:05:32
Pierre, it's funny you mentioned Tetris because while I was loading up the van which I would subsequently drive to the place where you leave boxes storage facility.
1:05:32 - 1:05:46
I was thinking as I was loading it in I said this is a lot like Tetris like trying to put the gear in and then the next person to come out with the box said this is a lot like Tetris and then the third person
1:05:46 - 1:05:51
who came in and like slid along the hour and wanted to know do you know what this is like?
1:05:51 - 1:06:03
This is a lot like Tetris. So the Tetris joke is well made and maybe that's why you didn't truly engage with the computer game because that day you had already been playing Tetris.
1:06:03 - 1:06:21
That's true yeah sort of free form flat Tetris. That's what you never see in Tetris is the bit before the game where the Russian dancing where they fill the boxes with books at various that's why they cascade down through space at the same speed
1:06:22 - 1:06:29
because each one has exactly the same weight of stuff in it. Just copies of War and Peace and other Russian things yeah.
1:06:29 - 1:06:41
Fun fact the guy who invented Tetris looks quite like me. You don't see a picture of him often but he is my doppelganger.
1:06:41 - 1:06:45
You do make a good point you don't often see pictures of him. It is true.
1:06:45 - 1:06:54
Almost never do you see him. See it's good observational stand up I think. You know who you never see pictures of?
1:06:54 - 1:07:04
The inventor of Tetris. I'd have to agree. Pierre that's my new opening line I say to the audience I know what you're thinking the inventor of Tetris has let himself go.
1:07:04 - 1:07:13
Absolute silence. Alright so classic brush your teeth have a wee go to bed that's all.
1:07:13 - 1:07:21
Yeah it's traditional bedtime behaviour. One last browse of different social media feeds to make sure I feel sad and stressed out.
1:07:21 - 1:07:30
Great. A dose of horror before bed. Horror and envy and kind of like cruelty rudeness generic rudeness there we go a little taste of that.
1:07:30 - 1:07:37
Generic rudeness you don't hear that as put forward as one of the big problems in the world these days but I like it.
1:07:37 - 1:07:54
Thank you. It's there. The fear is though that you then open the door to your bedroom and you've forgotten that you have entirely packed your bed away then you have to build a bed just from books and awards and things and just yeah hold a single blanket over
1:07:54 - 1:08:02
sleep in a kind of fort made of my own intellectual inputs and outputs a sort of mind fort that I've built.
1:08:02 - 1:08:12
Do you go to sleep easily? I presume you do you come from you know a nice family an odd comedian in the sense that you have a nice life nice family you're happy with yourself.
1:08:12 - 1:08:25
I've taught myself to go to sleep easily I never slept well ever and then just gradually over years of practice like it's really hard to explain I've been sleeping actually I was trying to explain it to my fianc because she sits and
1:08:25 - 1:08:31
does that thing that people do consciously or unconsciously where they go well just before I go to bed I'll just run through a quick list of all of my largest obligations.
1:08:31 - 1:08:39
It's such a mistake and you can train yourself to recognize when your brain's about to go down a little slippy slide of horror.
1:08:39 - 1:08:45
Oh wow. I picture it as like a you know when you see plants growing in fast forward on like documentaries Yeah.
1:08:45 - 1:09:00
They're like really sprouting out of the ground at a rate of knots that's happening with your thought your bad thought and you just nip it in the bud just cut it nope snip right that's clever or you focus on a gibberish thing or a meaningless phrase
1:09:00 - 1:09:07
or a meaningless mental image and focus on that and anything that's not that is not allowed and then you'll fall asleep quite easily.
1:09:07 - 1:09:19
Anyone struggling will just have to think of you know woolly boos you know who's supporting Trump now but he doesn't really agree with him but he just can't go public and you just go think of woolly boos and you'll just drift away.
1:09:19 - 1:09:25
If you lie down with your eyes closed and just keep thinking the phrase three times U.S. Senator woolly boos over and over again.
1:09:25 - 1:09:43
Pierre I have one question though so you seem to have smashed the lag pretty well as in I'm pretty sure if I'd been in this situation I mean maybe that's where two litres of Diet Coke helps but from about 4pm onwards my body would have been acting like
1:09:43 - 1:10:00
some sort of UN negotiators which is we'll just lie down now we'll just you know what we won't even shut our eyes fully we'll just droop them down yet you ploughed relentlessly through it yes the caffeine helps and also on the multiple stage flights back from Melbourne
1:10:00 - 1:10:20
I made sure that I only slept according to what would be UK time wow that's very impressive this is high performance stuff Pierre's first person ever to bring actual good ideas to this sleep hygiene the thing is I've sort of tried that but the thing is now
1:10:20 - 1:10:33
I'm you know I have been now flying back with one child and now next time in July flying back with two and the flight is obviously like the worst day of your life and for everyone around you but also when you get back to the UK
1:10:33 - 1:10:44
or back to Australia you're certainly are now three year old so I don't know what he'll be like now but as a two year old he really wasn't focused on getting into UK time no and so
1:10:44 - 1:10:58
there would be sort of one till five am marble runs and they are some of the absolute bleakest times and then it's like you've got to get them out in the morning because you and negotiating David is perfect you are just like maybe I've just
1:10:58 - 1:11:14
I'm just going to see if this lying down is fine my eyes are absolutely fine yeah but Max the big change between your last trip back to Britain and your forthcoming one is this podcast will be so big by the time you're coming back I will
1:11:14 - 1:11:29
send the jet yeah I'll send the what did you do yesterday jet and you guys can fly anywhere like the captain literally comes in and he's like where do we want to go today Max you know what I mean and you're like let's stop in Honolulu
1:11:29 - 1:11:45
and your whole family cheers that's what it's going to be like that is a weight off my mind thank you so you're asleep Pierre well this is great that's all we needed from you it's been really nice yeah it's been great I was worried that my the transitory
1:11:45 - 1:12:00
nature of the day hotel room train moving out boxes would make it a bit of a kind of an interesting interstitial rather than a kind of you know yesterday I got married or something as soon as you said you ran a bath I was like
1:12:00 - 1:12:15
this is going to be a great episode this is going to be a great episode thank you Pierre thank you guys for having me I've really it's such a good idea it's such a good concept it's so fun yeah I really was pleased to get on it
1:12:15 - 1:12:35
it's such a good concept it's just such a pity that you guys are not doing it justice that's what has been edited out of what Pierre just said there which is a strange ending to it otherwise awesome podcast a real parting fart Pierre thank you very much
1:12:35 - 1:13:01
thank you guys so there we are David the end of Pianovelli's Day I really enjoyed it had so much in it I had a lovely time in a lot of these episodes Max I think great we're getting through this day however that was the one
1:13:01 - 1:13:14
more than any other where we were an hour into his day and most of the way through the podcast now I'm sure that'll be fixed in post to an extent but luckily I think we spent time on the right
1:13:14 - 1:13:28
things yeah but you know it is quite useful for us if there is like a five hour period where they're doing something and we're not menial like packing boxes or you know just lying on the sofa it is a weight off my mind because we do really it's
1:13:28 - 1:13:44
what did you do yesterday focusing on breakfast that's sort of you know focusing on the morning what did you do yesterday morning we'll rush through dinner like he focused on the morning then he rushed through everything else but we covered everything this is why you're a great broadcaster
1:13:44 - 1:14:03
Max you let the story just what does he want to talk about he wants to talk about putting renegade Epsom salts into his bath we let him do that and it's a great ad for whatever those salts were because he destroyed jet lag and had a wonderful day
1:14:03 - 1:14:20
apart from that and I've already googled actually while he was talking about the child friendly hotel in Devon to see maybe I'll take the kids there could be good hey thank you David let's do it again alright Max let's do it again soon and of course the next
1:14:20 - 1:14:36
Midweek Mayhem we will discuss obviously the huge fallout from the previous Midweek Mayhem oh my god if you would like to get in touch with probably a lot of fury read the cheeses the baby cheeses this is how you get in touch
1:14:36 - 1:14:58
to get in touch with the show you can email us at whatdidyoudoyesterdaypod at gmail.com follow us on Instagram at yesterdaypod and please subscribe and leave a review if you liked it on your preferred podcast platform and if you didn't please don't thanks David thanks Max in it for life. Everything is Showbiz.