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Podcasts, there are millions of them. Some might say too many. I have one already.
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I don't have any, because there are enough. Politics, business, sport, you name it, there's a podcast about it, and they all ask the big questions and cover the hot topics of the day.
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But nobody is covering the most important topic of all. Why is that? Are they scared?
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Too afraid of being censored by the man? Possibly, but not us. We're here to ask the only question that matters.
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We try and say it at the same time, Max. What did you do yesterday?
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What did you do yesterday? That's it. All we're interested in is what the guests got up to yesterday.
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Nothing more. Day before yesterday, Max? Nope. The greatest and most interesting day of your life?
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Unless it was yesterday, we don't want to know about it. I'm Max Rushden. And I'm David O'Doherty.
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Welcome to What Did You Do Yesterday? Welcome, David O'Doherty, and welcome, everybody, to Midweek Mayhem, episode 20, I'm told.
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The 20th of the Mayhems. What a landmark, David. I just, from the last episode, the fact that you pull out that you beat Teddy Sheringham and various celebrities in a million-dollar poker tournament.
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It's, although we're 20 in, I feel we're only getting to know this guy. We're only scratching off the start of this.
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Pottery ticket. I'm like an unmined diamond, David. Yeah. That's me. Jaws of feedback. Let's start with a child.
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Benjamin in Tunbridge Wells, 12 years old. Hello, David. I just don't know. Is this 12? I think maybe it is 12-year-old friendly, but I'm a huge fan of the podcast.
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And when I say huge fan, I mean huge fan. In fact, after listening to every single one of your episodes in succession, I now want to be a comedian when I grow up, much to the disappointment of my dad because I previously aspired to be a lawyer.
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If I succeed in my plan to become a very lazy comedian, I should definitely come on your podcast.
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I couldn't stop laughing at the constant references to Nish Kumar's shit. Benjamin in Tunbridge Wells, 12.
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We're influencing the youngster. And that is good, David, isn't it? Because there's a lot of, I would say, slightly disappointing male role models in life.
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Oh, wow. And maybe we can come in and change. We can be the beta.
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Beta males. My goodness. Revolutionizing society. What do you think? One boy at a time.
2:34 - 2:42
Instead of showing adolescents in schools, they should play all 20 episodes of Midweek Mayhem of What Did You Do Yesterday?
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We talk about the worming chocolate a lot. And people say, and what are your biggest influences on how you decide to live your life?
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And the response is, bajing. Now, I think you sent me this in the WhatsApp group, Sarah, on tapestries.
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I think it was Sarah made it. I don't know. Why were we discussing tapestries, David?
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I remember it being a true bit, but I can't remember why. Like, oh, podcasts of old, maybe.
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Maybe they did tapestries. I forget. But you sent me this. She made a tapestry of us.
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There we are. We're both in sort of medieval. We're both in sort of medieval suits of armor.
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I have two swords and you have one. If I've got the beards the right way round.
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Yeah. And there's a football, a bike, and a toilet. That's all there is. You are the guy with the football.
3:40 - 3:51
Obviously, I'm the guy with the bike. And then betwixt us, as we say in tapestry chat, is a big old porcelain poop machine.
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The thing that binds us, the thing that brings us together, that connects these two wastrel strays from lands apart is...
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Mars Barett, if you can find a medieval version of the Sigur Ros song. Of Tom Larkin.
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No, of Tom Larkin. With a lute. Bling, bling, bling, bling, bling, bling, bling, bling, bling, bling, bling, bling.
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Okay, I want it. This is from Patrick. Thank you, Mars Barett. From Curdle RIP.
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Correspondence on Curdle has dramatically dropped since the competition was finished, but I do believe people miss it.
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Patrick says, Hi, Max. Big What Did You Do Yesterday fan. Going to see David at a small festival in the west of Ireland in Dingle this Sunday.
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I am unicycling in a balaclava for the parade. Just asking to see what cheese you'd recommend me having on me to throw at him, either in the crowd if I spot him at the parade,
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or from the crowd at the church where he's doing a gig at. Love the pod.
4:54 - 5:02
Fuck him for saying it's a normal cheese. Thanks a million. So, this was last Sunday.
5:02 - 5:18
It was Dingle. It was Felene Bialtene, the sort of, I mean, it grows from a pagan summer festival type thing, but lots of artists, trad musicians, cool bands.
5:18 - 5:30
I think I was doing the comedy show, but they have this parade, and the theme, of the parade was the phoenix which is the local cinema which is called the phoenix cinema because
5:30 - 5:46
it burned down twice in the 1950s and it's it's currently being done up and an artist managed to not only was the local cinema it was also the local video shop and so they were hoofing out
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stuff they'd found in it including basically you know half a skip full of old vhs videos wow as the theme of the parade was uh film and off the coast of dingle you can see the skelligs
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which are the islands in the last star wars where luke skywalker goes it's um it's like a ninth century monastic settlement with these amazing beehive huts it's where he hides out in the galaxy
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so no one will find him but they filmed it just off uh dingle and so my friend decided to make one of these stone beehive huts but from old vhs tapes he found in the skip around the back of the
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old cinema and children were dressed as star wars characters but uh what he realized while building it was was definitely a soft core porn section to the old vhs so he had to angle those vhs tapes
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kind of inward so the parade one of them was called sex o'clock which is just such such a lazy name for an 80s soft core boobs film come on star wars would be different if they you
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know if they'd called one of the old planets dingle wouldn't it you know it's just not where it's not where obi-wan would be teaching people the way of the force would it we must hyperspace
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to dingle um and then chewbacca makes a big noise um now look we have a we missed a trick here by the way um oh mars bar says medieval dancing in the moonlight is ready whenever you want it
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well of course we want it right now here we go everybody in at number six it's top is he playing it do you think mars bar yeah he's he's got out his loot it can't help but make you smile whatever era thank you
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well we look we know how to we know how to start the live show now don't we men in uh leot in you know tights and sort of those puffy trousers and neckerchiefs
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playing the lute to top loaders dancing in the moonlight i do love that people recorded that but what do you what would you do if you were to do that again i would do that again i would do that
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were they thinking as they were recording it you know it's a pretty niche it's a hit pete waterman sits back and says well done guys it's a hit um unless michael used ai i've never
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used ai but i imagine that's what ai does i mean it's his best uses can you make a medieval version of dancing in the moonlight who knows maybe miles bars has a you know harpsichord at home or maybe
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maybe that was the original version of it from the 12th century and it was only when king crimson was a king crimson and top loader came along afterwards they ripped it off kind of fits
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doesn't it you know people like skipping around dancing in the moonlight right there's not you know that that happened that's what generally how people had hijinks yeah didn't they in in
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medieval times they did they got it on every night yeah there's nothing else to do was that look we missed a trick david many people got in touch to say regards uh the estaminito episode why did none
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of us call it what did you do yesterday yeah and i feel i feel slightly ashamed that i didn't think of that maybe that joke is not good enough for you but i really felt like had i come up with it
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i'd have been delighted my role is the non-professional comedian i just i just try and be funny you know just in an amateur sense so like i uh anyway um talk to chris clark
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yesterday i had to so my version of that though what i'm not saying this is a higher level than you in any way max it can be it can be david i don't mind i had to resist
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because she must be so sick of this of saying estaminito like despacito the world's biggest hit of the last five years every time i said her name on the podcast but boy that was a funny
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episode i really felt i don't know just the idea of doing a marathon and no one giving a shit the next day but that is it no one really gives a shit whatever
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anyone does i mean that's sort of what i think we're establishing over time dr chris clark has been in touch i was listening to the estaminito ep i thought i'd weigh in on the cool pop ice pop
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science question i'm a structural food physicist this is what we wanted yeah so this falls nicely into my area hang on max so you were maintaining that the when you suck up a cool pop is what we're
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calling the genre ice pop calipo anything like that have these in other countries where you force the delicious sugary icy mix up with your fingers towards your bed you were maintaining that the delicious sugary syrup comes out first leaving you with uh just ice then afterwards
11:06 - 11:27
flavorless icicle like a stalactite yeah you're getting an icicle you're right great i was maintaining it was melting different melting points of the elements within the ice pop anyway here we go chris says max is spot on with the different melting points idea one point for me
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but the structure also plays a big role when you freeze the sugary liquid pure water ice crystals grow first and force out the sugars into a concentrated sugary liquid that sits between them the end result is a network of ice crystals with semi-solid sugar water in between the
11:44 - 12:00
semi-solid sugar water melts at a lower temperature than ice crystals which means it can be sucked out what's left is the fairly flavorless ice hope this helps thanks for brightening my daily commute we suddenly became no such thing as a fish there david that's what happened we became
12:00 - 12:13
an episode of qi um in our time we became in our time in a minute someone will come in and ask us if we want to tea or coffee wow i felt like i was in a real podcast there for a second yeah me too
12:13 - 12:30
well let's take it back to normality this is uh on my friend john's penis and locksmiths so i was discussing with you me and joel were discussing some time ago about you know showering
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with other men and times when it's totally normal to be naked with your friends and times when it really isn't and i was discussing my friend jk and how i would shower with him in the football
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changing rooms you know showers we would stand next to each other naked fine when we lived together we didn't stand next to each other naked at any point his friend graham got in touch
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on another of his friends whatsapp groups just to say long time since i'd had cause to think about jk's insert aubergine emoji hashtag tn jnc they're just normal cheeses yeah they're not just normal
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cheeses he's he's up to date of course as john said to me somewhat surprising discovering who has been thinking about my penis historically and or for the first time and he adds john i called a
13:14 - 13:24
locksmith to my house and this is on the subject of you know me really painting locksmiths in a in thinking it's a racket right i called a locksmith to my house because i thought we needed to replace
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a lock he looked at it and said this was a job i could do myself explained how said i should do it myself because he'd have to charge 200 pounds and that didn't seem necessary then he went away
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no call out fee he was called mike so we salute mike the locksmith and maybe i was wrong i apologize you've really gone in two-footed on locksmiths of this which yeah i did i don't know if that's uh gonna get a
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lot of popular consensus there well my locksmith did not thank me and i gave him 29 for nothing oh i i i really know this is the fourth week in a row that this has come up and i just don't know
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if this if i want to die on this hill with you guys yeah the fuck locksmith so we die on the hill together david you know he was found beaten to death in his bed with brebber roost argental cheese
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with a chub shoved right up exactly um adam from london hello adam hi guys day one listener big fan of the pod welcome on the topic of max's boring energy generic vibe i imagine
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max is one of the default options you're given when making a character on something like fifa or the simps max is default man three and i won't hear otherwise like toggle toggle toggle you are however something happened during my last listen which means max can't possibly be
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boring i'm someone who with absolutely no interest in football i grew up in newcastle to instinctively revere alan shearer as some sort of god but otherwise couldn't care less but
15:04 - 15:13
somehow max's retelling of his first game of the season yeah with the melbourne big boys club was one of the most exciting things i've heard in years i want a similar retelling of every game now
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i'm completely hooked i totally loved it if max was truly a hollow void of boringness how could so swiftly to his passion food for thought says adam yeah food for thought thank you
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i appreciate it max you get such a kicking a generic vibe is i mean it's a really good name for a band generic vibe well i should ask you then i mean i know we're here about we will
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eventually cover your yesterday when we've dealt with other business but have you played another since the epic five three victory against whatever hoodlums they were against epping city well our next game was against maribor oh those guys yeah those bastards um and you know the
16:03 - 16:19
answer this day we've talked about this for the tape because i believe in honesty but i'm glad you asked me that question because i stood aside wow to take jamie out for lunch and i just said i
16:19 - 16:29
was playing football because it's four hours we've been through this yes and maybe just because of the podcast i felt guilty i didn't feel guilty before but the way you talked to me about it
16:29 - 16:43
especially when i said i didn't have a beer and you're like oh you hero uh so i was like why don't we go out for lunch and jamie's first question was is it your yesterday tomorrow your whole life
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is just performative for this podcast but it's bringing us together so it's a beautiful thing you're fine i don't want to give any spoilers for our yesterday my yesterday but there was no
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there was just pure happiness no tension in the house so you know there we go hang on well i have to ask the follow-up question yeah did you because i know your team someone on the bench does a
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minute by minute update on the whatsapp group yeah so you were you did firstly did we and i feel i'm part of this team now of course yeah did we win and secondly were you checking regularly
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um we melbourne bohemians were we lost four nil to a younger fitter stronger team so and i probably was only worth three goals if you think about it so it's probably probably didn't we didn't lose
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anything by me not being there uh quentin was also injured and he's really good so that was yeah and actually the minute by minute i sort of you know if i'm not there it is not as detailed
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so if i'm not on the pitch you know i really like go to town i really enjoy it and i'm trying to i'm from others but really it was just like two nil down at half time and i guess if you're losing
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the minute by minute it's a bit less exciting yeah yeah sad so then it just went four nil full time unlucky lads we've got a winnable game on sunday so i'll keep you posted great claire from
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wimbledon writes dear max david and mars bar i was listening to a midweek mayhem this morning as i enjoyed the first day of my holiday in the yorkshire dales lovely as i left the rental cottage this
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morning i was humming the romeo and juliet tune after hearing it discussed in the proposal story imagine my surprise when upon entering the only shop in the tiny village we're staying in what was playing through the speakers but dire straits romeo and juliet i thought here's a shop
18:29 - 18:40
owner who also listens to your brilliant pod and it's my chance to bond with the locals i sidled over in my city barber jacket and flared jeans to the shop owner and casually mentioned i'd heard
18:40 - 18:49
this song being discussed on a podcast only this morning and wasn't that spooky i was expecting us to both have a look of mutual understanding about listening to what did you do yesterday and become
18:49 - 19:00
for life but no she just gave me an awkward shrug and off i went sad to have not met a fellow pod enthusiast but i think the gods must have been involved in all of this because where am i staying
19:00 - 19:19
in yorkshire wensleydale it's just a normal cheese thanks for all the laughs and the claire from wimbledon lovely yes that email has everything yep i mean that song does have a life of its own away from
19:19 - 19:41
our podcast it's i would say one of the top 50 most popular british songs of the last 40 years so i think it's pre-40s i reckon it might even be more than four years ago 1982 yeah maybe it is i guess that is more than 40 it's from the album before
19:41 - 19:55
isn't it yeah do you think that you know in the way that say you know saying that wayne's world's brought bohemian rhapsody back yes do you think if romeo and juliet enters the charts at number
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seven in the next week or two we'll know the influence that we have yeah keep an eye on the charts particularly if a medieval version of it comes back so if anyone is still listening to uh
20:08 - 20:28
you know bruno brooks top 40 or perhaps mark good a year then uh let us know uh if uh if david of who would replace you in the event of your death hi guys says steven in his truck
20:28 - 20:38
knowing that max needs someone irish to work with on the podcast i have an inventive solution that would keep max's 1990s sensibilities in check but also offer some variety i propose on a rotating
20:38 - 20:49
basis max is joined each week by a member of the cause just one of them of course it's musical it's irish it's definitely 90s what's not to like best wishes well i could step in
20:49 - 21:11
there and every irish listener is thinking the same thing jim the fella from the cores yeah really he's asking a lot of questions in life generally they would be spicy podcasts where jim comes on jim i remember like i i really stopped looking after a while initially there
21:11 - 21:26
was a real comic value to the fella from the cores going like real early conspiracy theory he would say he's asking legitimate questions but he it would always be phrased
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in such a way which is if there was an earthquake people who know more than me are saying that the that the uh u.s army are trialing an earthquake machine who knows people are just who knows
21:40 - 21:55
that's the that's the podcast i'd like to listen to dragon's dead idea isn't it an earthquake machine just came up with it oh me and the wife were just chatting at home thinking about what we could make i've invested 250 000 my own money in this earthquake
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machine i think deborah megan would say it's time to stop other suggestions we've had to we've had to swap david for another david from multiple listeners include hasselhoff ginella dakovny
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and let's face it if we get the three of those on a pod together who wouldn't listen who wouldn't listen to hasselhoff ginella and dakovny talking about anything i would it sounds like a lunchtime
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show on talk sport yeah yeah or it's that or a or just a sort of suburban law firm but you're probably right it is yeah it's afternoons with hasselhoff ginella and dakovny you're right
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brought to you brought to you with tool station i mean i'll interrupt you there dakovny we've got a this goal at roker park whatever it's called though sean in dublin on being sick
22:49 - 23:04
on a bus uh yeah of course i absolutely love your podcast about shitting uh it's my favorite stop what it is it's my favorite podcast currently airing uh not all not of all time that would be
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mental he says uh your listener got sick on a bus in sri lanka sparked a memory of mine you might enjoy as teenagers we were getting a bus back from mayo to dublin returning from a house
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party the night before we're all very hung over five hours oh five hours oh ouch i always already felt sorry for the respectable commuters sitting around us uh but one poor man was sitting
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beside our friend luke and he had it the worst during the journey luke got sick in one of those triangular sandwich packets and spent the rest of the spent the remaining hours precariously
23:34 - 23:47
balancing it like a seesaw on the seat tray in front of him from memory the man took far too long to swap seats and looked at luke took far too long to throw out the sick anyway have a great week sure in dublin thank you sure
23:49 - 24:03
wow that's a grim image of cities there yeah because it would look a bit like a sandwich i don't think it would well depends what they'd be drinking it would look like sick in a sick in
24:03 - 24:12
a bag i think it would look like um should we do my day what do you want to do should you do my day or do you want some nice itunes reviews or should we wait for should we do them next week i just
24:12 - 24:26
there was one thing i wanted to tell you about because please please i feel it's a slight of the world the so last week i told you about this whole other side of my personality oh yeah
24:26 - 24:40
the sheep in the are they out they all out uh we believe they're out now uh we'll we'll only tell by looking at the poos and seeing how recent they are when i get down there see if they're just human we know it's just you going
24:40 - 25:00
the but also the gutter blew down in the storm oh dear the brackets broke off it must have been storm this storm in march and the brackets themselves when we went to the shop that the
25:00 - 25:12
sort of general store on the island the guy said we don't have these anymore the it's a it seems like a touch of scam on the part of the gutter company yeah they've changed the sort of bracket
25:12 - 25:27
every few years so if you need to repair it what should be a small repair you have to buy full guttering for the for the whole house and anyway i have one and so because the sweeneys on ackle doesn't know uh where to get them i take a
25:27 - 25:49
photo of it and i put it on my facebook page oh yeah okay good that's where i feel the i'll get the most feedback and i'll be honest nothing has ever got this much response like messages start coming in at this speed of people with advice as to
25:49 - 26:00
a lot of people suggesting 3d printed but that's not really possible because these are atlantic storms and i would imagine you'd have to be like 3d printed in some sort of rubbery silicon type
26:00 - 26:19
thing but the reason i bring this up is the initial tranche of people the first 50 were so helpful they were like you see to me it looks like this uh maybe contact wavin and see if they have it and but then the second order
26:19 - 26:33
came in and the second order are like think you know about gutters uh jog on mate and and then then the problem was the first people who just be nice were like well why don't you go and fuck
26:33 - 26:49
yourself why don't you ask my ass and like using gifs and you don't you know nothing about guttering like what you do is dangerous i think you should be reported to the gutter council
26:49 - 27:04
and it was you hadn't done something like this for a while normally i just plug stuff but it was like oh this is the internet i ended up just having to hide loads of comments uh then i did
27:04 - 27:19
want the information to come in but you're like wow people are brilliant slash awful yeah that is true that's true we could that could be our next t-shirt do you want my yesterday david max what did you
27:19 - 27:32
do yesterday all right my notes begin at 4 a.m where i can't really remember i imagine willie woke up willie woke up needed his nappy change or something like that that's fine that's part
27:32 - 27:41
of the course but then i go for it then i just go to the toilet myself and it was interesting because i did a poo and that's very rare for me at four in the morning but i did so i just
27:41 - 27:49
thought i thought i'd just put that in there to know yeah what you've done the night before but obviously you can't ask it's good though that you've started with this and because i
27:49 - 28:00
know that your day generally is for an audience of one i thought you might have opened up just by writing some songs about how beautiful your wife is or something like that as you sit there
28:00 - 28:14
shitting your guts on the toilet while i was doing while i was there i was just graffitiing poems of love for jamie on the bus i'm i don't know i don't know why i'm telling everyone this
28:14 - 28:26
but i did that and if you didn't see them jay they may have washed away while you while you while you slept and i gazed into your eyes anyway i went back to bed so that doesn't really count
28:26 - 28:38
but i just thought it was an interesting little 4 a.m point five past six ian wakes up and calls for mama and so mama goes and i stay with willie Rushden i try and keep him down keep him asleep
28:38 - 28:49
which involves him spitting his dummy out and me putting it back in just on loop and it's pretty much a success for half an hour he's basically asleep he's jostling a bit but that's fine
28:49 - 29:07
and interruption yes in your last day which was the uh football match the greatest uh game of all the goal that was heard around the world uh you put ian to bed remember that yeah yeah i did yeah
29:07 - 29:19
yeah it felt like a real breakthrough of a moment it was a massive breakthrough more sugar Sigur Ros playing as his eyes shut and you're like i can do this has that all just fallen away now
29:19 - 29:30
oh yeah completely now it's like who would you want to do bedtime he goes dada and we go you sure he goes no mama you're like okay um you know i do a lot of the lying in bed with him at 3 a.m
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if he can't sleep where he sort of gas where he where i just stay totally motionless and my knees are sort of bent up it's not good for football and then he like rolls into me and says you're
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hurting me um and you're like that it's just you're gaslighting me at three this is really not acceptable but he's good at it anyway so 6 35 i bring willie to the living room the whole family there i turn on
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intermilan versus barcelona it's on delay so kicked off at 5 a.m but i'm watching an hour and a half behind perhaps one of the greatest football matches of all time that might be
30:04 - 30:14
recency bias but it's a great game i'm watching on a laptop with one airpod in while making ian porridge so i mean it's not quite being at the san siro but i believe it's the next best thing
30:19 - 30:29
so the game's great and that is really taking up a lot of my attention um i'm making some porridge he rejects the porridge so we just leave the plan is is to not just go oh i'll make something else
30:29 - 30:39
you just leave it there go that's breakfast mate you gotta suck it up right yeah yeah could you add some cinnamon to it oh no because if it doesn't look plain he's not interested
30:39 - 30:51
um but like it's worth a thought but the other day and this wasn't yesterday i think i just said look this is for breakfast how do you like them apples yeah and that was wrong because then he said can i have some apples
30:51 - 31:03
and he eats so many apples that we just try and you try and put off the apples because there's no there's going to be many in the day it was the wrong turn of phrase to use
31:03 - 31:15
anyway i made myself my how do you how do you like them apples well steve jobs actually he was the one originally coined it after he'd invented the iphone and the ipod and the imac
31:15 - 31:25
he pointed at them in front of the ground he said hey you like them them apples no i don't know if that's a joke or actually true it's i thought it was a really good joke it's a good one i
31:25 - 31:36
enjoyed it yeah i know but normally a good one person doesn't have to be like is that true now or a joke you know things and i don't know things now i feel completely stupid to even for a second
31:36 - 31:54
think that's how how did you like them apples began but maybe you did i made myself my wheat because australia has lost the vow um and unlike you in rejecting the porridge i accept the wheat because yeah i wanted it interestingly david squires the brilliant guardian cartoonist uh
31:54 - 32:08
has a food app and he messaged me he put weetabix into the food app to check if you or i were right and it does get a tick under no hazardous substances which feels positive for a food
32:08 - 32:23
stuff doesn't it um so thank you david ian is cycling around the house uh he's got he has three bikes so you have 18 he's got two three wheelers pedals one red one yellow we don't know where the yellow came from but it's in our house now
32:23 - 32:35
and a red balance bike he's on the yellow pedal bike yeah and i put a nappy on his head and then he cycles into the living room and jamie finds it very funny and you know it's just high spirits
32:35 - 32:49
we're just having a great time happy family it's an instagram family we should be posting all of is the match oh because it is regarded by many as the greatest two-legged series in the recent
32:49 - 33:01
history of football is it over at this point i'm doing quite when the ball's sort of in the center circle i'm fast forward 10 seconds so i'm sort of getting up to date as it's going i think
33:01 - 33:13
by extra time i'm watching it at the same time that everyone else is watching it okay yeah yeah is what i think is happening jay willie Rushden is a bit sleepy so jay takes him for a uh nap walk
33:13 - 33:28
and uh the game's finished so for my birthday ian bought me a scooter if i mentioned this yeah i wasn't necessarily delighted about it but actually it's quite good so uh ian and ian is on his balance bike and i'm on my scooter and we're
33:28 - 33:45
just scooting we can go around the house through the house we can go together we go separately but we just do some scooting for about 10 to 15 minutes good question uh it it's getting nice here in the northern hemisphere in ireland it's been lovely dingle was an absolute delight
33:45 - 33:59
but it's getting all to me i would imagine where you are is it yeah what are we talking are we talking shirt and a jacket we're talking cold mornings radiators on and then like so you you really dress up to go out and then an hour later it's
33:59 - 34:08
like 25 degrees and you're completely overdressed that's that's where it's probably about it was probably around late teens early 20s last couple of days it's a nice day yesterday i think there
34:08 - 34:25
is some is there some rain yesterday maybe there's some rain i think there is some rain i can't uh i'm doing some scooting young ian Rushden's babysitter sophie arrives we like sophie she's
34:25 - 34:38
great i then get on my bicycle i have one bike and i cycle to see dave the osteopath not for any work not for any remedial work he is all my neighbors none of my neighbors are australian
34:38 - 34:49
citizens apart from frank and janet and they're away and i need it's a melting pot that we live in yeah but uh i need an australian because we are we need somebody to sign the forms for willie
34:49 - 35:05
passport so that we can take him on an airplane to the united kingdom in july oh great yeah well now this did the photos for this that you did send me and he looks like i think there's some photos
35:05 - 35:25
of like a cockney three-year-old pickpockets from the 1920s he's i i hate to say this but he's he looks guilty whatever it is well well yeah ian looks like he has killed maybe 25 people and really wanted to kill them and when they
35:25 - 35:37
interview him he's just like i did it because i wanted to kill them and willie looks like his thick you know sidekick who gets a reduced sentence on the grounds of diminished responsibility i
35:37 - 35:49
think that's the only way you can say it this is so so uh now this isn't the first time that dave has signed the forms but we didn't sign enough of the forms so this rigmarole
35:49 - 35:59
like this is part two so i get to his uh eight o'clock he loves italian football he doesn't want me to tell him the scores right so he's right i don't tell him the scores he signs what
35:59 - 36:11
we think is right on both willie and ian's passport forms um and then i go off to a cafe near dave's get myself a long black really good coffee and it was a big lorry pumping something
36:11 - 36:24
in or something out of a building opposite yeah and the door wouldn't quite close every time someone came in they just didn't quite shut the door and so twice i got up
36:24 - 36:33
and sort of shut the door because the noise was a bit annoying okay i didn't want to be that guy yeah you know who's like constantly huffing and getting up so i left it and i had to deal with
36:33 - 36:42
the noise it was okay but my coffee was great a long black it was lovely did a lot of the pod script you know what a great game i'm in a really buoyant mood about the football because it's such
36:42 - 36:56
a good football match and so that was really really fun dave joins me yes david you you just you may have seen this online it happens once a week that someone responds to either an
36:56 - 37:19
article you have written or one of your podcasts about football and tags me into it yeah and so i've just taken to being really rude so yesterday ralph said you'd you put up a and the guardian article and it's a ralph said clearly the article
37:19 - 37:33
should be in headlines are you not entertained good because absolutely brilliant so i respond because he tagged me in that on behalf of max and all of my guardian journalist colleagues you were barred from ever looking at the paper again
37:33 - 37:54
sorry that's okay funny keep it up there's no reason to tag you um so dave cunz and this is he says do you want another coffee and i say you know i don't yeah you know what's coming
37:54 - 38:04
yeah i i uh i said i don't really need well but yeah go on then he's stopping for coffee he's a he's a you know he's probably my you know my he and his wife christy my my uh are they married
38:04 - 38:18
hmm maybe just partner either way my two great friends in this great i've known for 20 25 years i said go on then i'll have a you know he orders a cappuccino and i order a strong three-quarter flat wine it's just normal coffee
38:19 - 38:36
so anyway i go for a wee and as i come back the uh barista is putting down a mug the size of a planet on the table right but amazingly before i even get there and dave says nothing she just
38:36 - 38:47
goes oh this isn't right it takes it away and i'm like oh okay this is fun uh and then and then we then the literally it's just over there i mean it's literally we're next to the coffee machine
38:47 - 38:53
and she just goes oh you just want a strong three-quarter flat wine and i'm like oh okay this is fine and then and then we then the literally it's just over yeah yeah strong three-quarter flat white brilliant great so we're chatting away then
38:53 - 39:07
and this has happened before she arrives with a completely full flat white in a cup and she says this is a strong three-quarter flat white right now dave listens to the podcast so he knows
39:07 - 39:18
and he also knows by now that it's my yesterday we both look at the coffee i don't say anything because you flip the table you flip the table over you get whatever the truck outside was
39:18 - 39:34
you just get the whatever shit jets you just point it directly into the cap the cafe starts to fill with plop from the sewers the thing is right i think it's right we're both looking at
39:34 - 39:48
this coffee and it's totally full it's totally full like no there's like no question that this cup is three goes out it's just absolute gaslighting she must listen because she's just gone and like jamie said this before where someone is arriving
39:48 - 39:57
with a full flat white and said it's a three quarter flat white it might not look three quarters but it is and like you can't argue when someone says that but you're like you're looking
39:57 - 40:08
at it and it is this is four quarters it is a strong quarter quarter flat white but the point is i'm thinking i can't uh you know i can't i've been told some of my friends have said you've got
40:08 - 40:18
to stop talking about the coffee so yeah the cup isn't that big so what dave is saying is look my cappuccino cup is bigger than your flat white cup if it was three quarters of this cup that would fit as
40:18 - 40:28
three quarters in this cup yeah i'm like yeah but this is this cup i have this cup and this is full but i don't i don't complain i just drink the coffee i find it very funny yeah you don't
40:28 - 40:40
complain you don't complain at all you just carry on just like a rego normster someone says this is a three quarter this is three quarters full and look i take you back earlier in the podcast i was
40:40 - 40:48
right about the science with different melting points i'm right about this science this is not three quarters full it is a hundred percent full it is four quarters full but that's okay
40:48 - 41:04
we have a coffee dave goes to work um i've got to go to the supermarket to buy a few things can't remember what avocado cucumber some nice granola and uh can't remember yeah then i'm to
41:04 - 41:12
the post office for the second time with my passport forms i've got all the forms got my driver's license i've got my passport i've got jamie's passport i've got everything now
41:12 - 41:23
is the incident with the b slash wasp oh yeah i stopped my bike in one of the you know where you know a little metal railing to park my bike and there's a wasp
41:23 - 41:33
is instantly interested in the bike but i'm like i sort of like just i i'm i'm not scared of wasps but i don't like wasps yeah it's not your first wasp surely it's not my first wasp no it's not
41:33 - 41:48
my first waspio i uh and i so listen i i'm not angry about i just sort of you know i gesture him away like a little and then i go to lock my bike up and this guy he is back and he's back at
41:48 - 41:57
him away again he's back again and so i have to like so i'm like i don't want to get stung by a wasp i'm not interested good content but i'm not interested so i like i run 20 yards down the road
41:57 - 42:08
to get away from now yeah and he doesn't follow me i'm all right so i go back to the bike then he comes back again oh shit so he's back again he's just all over me like face no like face i
42:08 - 42:18
don't want to get stung on the face i'm hosting the project tomorrow like i can't have a big you know bulging nose wasp sting do you think i'm introducing the news for australia the bag of
42:18 - 42:36
do you think there's something in that that is very tempting for him the open pot of jam that i've i did they said at the end of my shopping and would you like to dunk your bag in honey and i
42:36 - 42:48
said yes please and now now you mention it silly of me anyway eventually i i cycle the bike 10 meters and lock it somewhere else further away from the post office because i'm afraid of
42:48 - 42:58
the wasp uh he goes off on his merry way i get into the post office it's very officious but good man he's there on my he's on my side you know with these things sometimes they're on your side
42:58 - 43:07
sometimes they're not yeah he takes out all my thing and he says do you have willie Rushden's birth certificate i'll say i don't have it oh no there's nothing i can do i say okay he says
43:07 - 43:15
is everything else right he's like it's fine everything else is fine but you need the birth certificate for willie and and i say for ian who's already got a passport i just want to update the
43:15 - 43:23
photo because the photo was taken when he was three weeks old yeah it's nothing like it right sure he says shouldn't be a problem no one cares it's a baby it's your baby like you don't
43:23 - 43:31
need to change that passport i'm like okay but i quite like to update the photo so you know because he looks like a you know it looks like a stone cold killer and that'd be a good passport for
43:31 - 43:44
but surely there is a checklist at the very end you know australian bureaucracy tends to be very good with this stuff like when you go into the country they're like show us health insurance
43:44 - 43:59
show us a return ticket show us a visa or a visa waiver you know like you're not a good question and i haven't been through the checklist okay fine i cycle home i cannot find his birth certificate for love no money but i've got willie's and that's the
43:59 - 44:08
important one because he doesn't have a passport yet oh yeah yeah so then it's a nap walk for willie and i take willie to a different post office the one in northcote plaza because at
44:08 - 44:18
northcote plaza post office i have a man he did ian's passport he's my man great i get in the queue he's there by his desk he's served a customer i'm next in line
44:18 - 44:27
then he walks he walks to the you know the door for the staff room and i just say oh you know i said shall i shall i sort of say oh hi mate because he's had a look at these forms before
44:27 - 44:38
right i didn't i didn't bring something else in last time can't remember what and he says i'm just on lunch and i'm heartbroken but i don't i don't want the guy to know i don't
44:38 - 44:48
want the guy to know of his lunch so i go back to the front of the queue the next booth comes free oh we don't do passports at this booth i'm like okay next booth next booth
44:48 - 44:56
comes free we don't do passports here you have to wait for daniel daniel's on the right he's young daniel okay nervous he's too young to really be good at this i'm wondering he might
44:56 - 45:07
not be on my side i need someone on my side on my side it really sounds like you're i don't know it's like it's the great escape or something and you're trying to get across the border into
45:07 - 45:18
switzerland there are some people with forms they want you to have messed it up there are some people who really just initial there that'll be fine we'll sort that it turns out daniel's really good at this he's done it before it's not he's not his it's not
45:18 - 45:32
his first waspio when it comes to uh passports and he doesn't notice that you've got david squires the guardian cartoonist to do a fake birth there's a really obviously beautifully
45:32 - 45:43
drawn fake one yeah willies is fine and i basically say can we look i've got a screen grab of ian's can you can you can we come to some sort of agreement i don't like i don't take out a $20
45:43 - 45:55
note but i'm a bit like you know that's good enough isn't it he won't have a bar of it i bet my guy would have done it but my guy's at lunch yeah so it's fine i get home willie's woken up uh because his
45:55 - 46:05
naps are really rubbish at the moment but that's okay family home jamie wants a jammy egg i make some jammy eggs and i the secret to a jammy egg would you like to know it i mean hang on it's
46:05 - 46:28
hard to keep track with that woman and her egg needs because the the last conversation we had about her egg desires was she wanted a hard egg true she does she doesn't mind the yolk being she doesn't mind the yolk oh you've noticed 20 episodes into this
46:28 - 46:39
no but like your egg your egg you know it's a very personal thing she doesn't mind the yolk being jammy but she just can't have any albumin and i'm with her on that you know i don't the
46:39 - 46:54
white has to be cooked yeah you put the eggs in a pot that is already boiling for seven and a half when you take them out and you put them into a bowl of cold water and that is the key to a jammy
46:54 - 47:08
egg so hang on you're soft boiling eggs in shells here correct yes interesting yeah i don't know it's just it's some something old-fashioned to it whereas you know that i have the little boats
47:08 - 47:22
that you float on the tempestuous ocean of boiling water and you put an egg with a tiny bit of butter into each one and they they bob away i mean obviously if i was more skilled i would do the swirly thing with the vinegar in the water
47:22 - 47:35
but there's something so first world war about your method so you're poaching your eggs yeah but are you not sort of poaching them in the shells you're soft boiling them i'm boiling them
47:35 - 47:47
yeah okay fine yeah i take you into the mechanics the subaru has been telling me it has a lot of every time i switch it on it says this tire's flat i want a new engine filter you need to change the oil
47:47 - 47:57
i had a service two months ago i ring them i'd run them the day before to say look can i just bring it in they've said fine great so we arrive at the mechanics i take ian ian is
47:57 - 48:06
absolutely over the moon yeah and he loves that he is there are all sorts of cars that have been winched up about six foot and he's running underneath all of them ready for to
48:06 - 48:17
be crushed by a mitsubishi star wagon or whatever it may be they famously love that at the mechanics a three-year-old just sprinting jumping into the 10-foot deep hole that allows you
48:17 - 48:29
to look under the car now i'm pretty good i'm pretty i'm not like you know isn't he cute yeah like i try and keep him i try and shackle him a bit my question here is the only time i've
48:29 - 48:42
ever been in the subaru the subaru had its full dashboard but in the seat i was sitting in which i think was the back because your wife was sitting in the front i had my own fake steering wheel
48:42 - 48:53
with a fake dashboard which you'd requested we found it strange but we understood i'm just wondering if those warning lights were on the real dashboard or the fake one because they'd be
48:53 - 49:04
easy they'd be able to fix the fake one quick enough now interestingly the fake one uh does come into play later in the day um but it's not in the car anymore anyway there are uh i i i wander
49:04 - 49:17
in i just say oh i rang yesterday there's some problems with the car but you know i'm in no hurry and they say oh yeah we'll be with you in a minute and there's like eight mechanics it's
49:17 - 49:29
eating sandwiches and so i'm like okay it's fine it's lunch break and and actually it's fine because ian is having a great time we're just i'm showing him lots of car tires and wheels and stuff
49:29 - 49:39
yeah let's take 15 minutes and i'm sort of i'm sort of thinking this is i don't mind but i'm interested in how long it's they are committed to their lunch break and good for them till someone
49:39 - 49:51
comes over and says what until someone comes over yeah yeah so but that's totally fine because honestly it's better than a soft play for ian he's having an absolute ball then i put him in
49:51 - 50:02
the boot and he loves being put in the boot so i shut the door he says can you close me in the boot i say yes it is to be clear a kind of it's got um it's not like it's it's not like you know
50:02 - 50:17
you open the boot it's not a cadillac you take your two children out just before it's winched up it's not like you can see he can see out of the boot is what i'm saying it's not like it's not like an old uh sedan whatever
50:17 - 50:32
that i'm just shutting him in the darkness as if i'd kidnapped him so we're getting in and out of the boot whatever someone comes over they're incredibly helpful what they tell me is even though the subaru has been serviced two months ago the subaru itself doesn't know it's
50:32 - 50:47
been serviced right it's not sentient which is in a way reassuring so it's going it's about time for a tune-up so they just press some buttons and say it's all fine but then they say actually all your tires are fucked you need four new tires okay
50:47 - 51:04
all right i'll have four new tires yeah how much are four new tires david what do you reckon um 150 dollars each it's a 600 job plus vat 700 big ones please max higher higher really
51:04 - 51:16
250 a tire it's a thousand bucks thousand bucks but i think these tires have probably not been changed since the car was first sent out on its merry way into the world in i think it's 2017
51:17 - 51:30
subaru i'm not buying a new car i'm not an idiot david especially what this subaru's been through you know a lot it was stolen and then it came back sometimes it's sometimes when i turn it on
51:30 - 51:42
on the dash it just says ptsd i understand i say i understand subaru okay so the car's fine you know they pump up one of the tires that has a very slow puncture i've booked it in for next
51:42 - 51:52
thursday maybe my tomorrow will be the day before don't know but yeah that's all said in stone uh ian and i then go to the plaza which is uh the northcote plaza which basically was
51:52 - 52:11
i reckon it was built in 1992 and nothing has changed since 1992 so it's extraordinary place love it like thousands of 200 year old greek people drinking coffee and queuing outside the bank and it like it has these shops that just sell nothing yeah there's no way they should
52:11 - 52:22
still be in existence unless they're fronts for all the drugs in melbourne i don't know but it is it is a truly miraculous place and we're going to the reject shop to buy some a3 paper and some
52:22 - 52:34
felt tip pens because we have an afternoon of drawing and coloring ahead of us so what's the what's the nature of the reject i generally reject shops sell seconds like they sell mugs
52:34 - 52:46
where the handle is a little bit wonky but is this surely you know a3 paper is just i think yeah it's not used it hasn't been used that's for sure it's just selling new stuff cheaply
52:46 - 53:02
and can i can i predict what happens here you get to the counter everyone's gone on their lunch oh my god this is awful um ian finds the hot wheels matchbox car section yeah and he wants a
53:02 - 53:13
car great and i've decided this is the moment to teach him the value of money and i say we're not getting a car i'm saying we're not in a hurry i've got nothing to do i'm sit on the floor with him
53:13 - 53:21
we can look at all the cars but we're not going to get a car and so he looks at this look at this and then he has his heart set on a motorbike we have that exact motorbike at home although he has
53:21 - 53:31
pulled off the handlebars i said i'm not going to buy it he says well i'm going to buy it and i say well he says i tell him he doesn't have any money because he doesn't have any money uh he's three
53:31 - 53:41
and so eventually he's uh he's walked to the counter with it and i said look we're not going to buy it and he's like in a pretty good mood he understands in pretty good mood then we get to the
53:41 - 53:54
counter i say to the man we're not going to buy this we buy these a3 paper and these felt-tip pens and basically the grieving begins and the tears come immediately and they're like falling off him
53:54 - 54:06
like like a hollywood movie it's like you can't cry like this it's amazing yeah it's so sad but but from what i've read from instagram reels once you've made a decision you have to stick to your
54:06 - 54:23
decision so you know i want him to understand the value of money so i'm like this is what we're this is the book you need to learn to invest son and he's like i'm three yeah he's got loads of
54:23 - 54:32
toys he's already got this exact toy anyway we get home he's totally fine it's half past three it feels like midnight i take willie for a nap walk at four he doesn't have a nap this is a
54:32 - 54:46
disaster for bedtime for jamie i get home at five pods at ten past five i get him down on the bed with minutes to spare this is a very exciting moment i tiptoe out um oh on the nap walk i have
54:46 - 54:57
a phone call with my agent about whether i can get to the club world cup in new york so i'm worried about what i've tweeted about in the past and will ice string me up i don't want that to
54:57 - 55:09
happen and so hang on the club world cup is for the first time ever the best clubs in the world are going to come together and play in a tournament that no one really cares about
55:09 - 55:21
and in the era of players playing too many football matches it just seems like why have you added more football matches to the giant bin of football matches yeah and on football weekly we have been
55:21 - 55:31
saying you know we don't need this and now it's if we do go it's going to be like you know alan partridge can i shock you i like wine it's not that but no we're going as a dress rehearsal
55:31 - 55:42
because we're going to go to do the world cup next year and we just want to see how it works and but the logistics are a nightmare because i might have to fly back to melbourne to pick
55:42 - 55:51
up jamie and then literally that day fly to london which will be 48 hours and i'll plane oh wow as jamie said you should just record your yesterday after that because
55:51 - 56:07
also while i'm on the walk i do listen to siga ross and since we talked about it i listen to it quite a lot and it does inspire me that one i feel i can do anything honestly i put it on
56:07 - 56:16
and i think i can do anything i got a screaming baby in front of me whatever it is and i'm just like i could change the world and so i listen to say i have that on a loop sometimes
56:16 - 56:26
i listen to it twice or three times and i would recommend it to anybody yeah um i interruption when footballers arrive in the stadium they always have headphones on when you see the
56:26 - 56:46
shot of them coming off the bus but yeah and i they're listening to whatever their motivational version of that song is but i love to always listen their list imagine that they're listening to an audio guide of a tour of the stadium just yeah in 1976 yeah uh
56:46 - 56:57
anyway i uh i do football weekly which is a joy because the game is so wonderful great i go back inside jamie has reimagined yesterday's meatballs so i eat them with spaghetti and a crusty roll
56:57 - 57:06
while chatting to ian he's being a taxi driver with the steering wheel that you've used and i'm on the sofa and he's driving me around as a taxi driver and then he says
57:06 - 57:20
emergency and he gets out and then he has to fix my leg with a key yeah anyway tires it's call back to the tires thing from earlier yeah yeah you're probably right uh jamie has the leek and potato soup she made last week it's what we
57:20 - 57:30
call dinner time every man for himself so we all just eat the bits eat whatever's there i then come in back into the shed where you can see me now and i record an episode of what did you do yesterday
57:30 - 57:45
with a brilliant comedian oh yeah uh yeah and that takes me to i don't know about nine nine thirty by the time we finished gassing on they always go on too long don't they unlike these ones i i
57:45 - 57:58
walk into this the house brush my teeth do a wee take my clothes off get a glass of water lie in bed open the Squardle get one word in the Squardle really rushed and makes a tiny noise i
57:58 - 58:10
can't be responsible for waking up when i've got into bed yeah i just throw my phone on the floor and i go to sleep the how soon after the end of the episode of what did you do yesterday
58:10 - 58:20
are you conked because i definitely have a buzz after this like i know our we have different times but i will sit in the garden now and just take the sun
58:20 - 58:27
on my face for a few minutes and be like that was a bit of a laugh hope people like that one now yeah well when i when i do this i get no buzz
58:27 - 58:40
no i do i know i say um i don't know like i'm obviously i got up at four o'clock that morning to do a poo and now it's half past nine so like i'm you know like i have a tiredness within me
58:40 - 58:49
and i've always had that that means i can but i know what you mean like some if i come off air at really late when the clocks are different it's half past midnight or whatever i am like uh yeah
58:49 - 58:59
yeah yeah i normally like to do the square that's what get that's what takes me from this world to that world god i don't have i just can't on this occasion but i probably lie there
58:59 - 59:09
for a bit but as we've established i'm too simple to need anything to help me go to sleep once i'm horizontal i'm so happy about it great i and i know that i've got to get up at five o'clock the
59:09 - 59:21
next morning to watch arsenal paris as a man oh my goodness you know so yeah off to sleep for this circularity of this day it'd be really nice if the wasp flew back into your bedroom again it's
59:21 - 59:34
just stung you just as you were dozing off right on the end of my nose and it made a big like cartoon like like a like a hot spot from strike it lucky our references are so fucked
59:34 - 59:51
what is a hot spot not a good spot there you go of course it is what a lovely day if you'd like if you'd like to get in touch with the podcast here's how to get in touch with the show you can email us at
59:51 - 1:00:09
what did you do yesterday pod at gmail.com follow us on instagram at yesterday pod and please subscribe and leave a review if you liked it on your preferred podcast platform and if you didn't please don't and that's it thanks hey thanks david thanks for thanks for
1:00:09 - 1:00:27
listening to my yesterday your yesterday next week i uh yeah i don't think you i mean there was some frustration in that yesterday with the people and their bloody lunches but i did notice you were very charming about your relationship that was noted what a
1:00:27 - 1:00:45
what a nice guy well i had a lot of vim i was in high spirits and i love my wife let's be clear for the tape jamie i love you um all right all right folks thank you very much thanks max hey Everything is showbiz.