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Podcasts, there are millions of them. Some might say too many. I have one already.
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I don't have any, because there are enough. Politics, business, sport, you name it, there's a podcast about it, and they all ask the big questions and cover the hot topics of the day.
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But nobody is covering the most important topic of all. Why is that? Are they scared?
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Too afraid of being censored by the man? Possibly, but not us. We're here to ask the only question that matters.
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We try and say it at the same time, Max. What did you do yesterday?
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What did you do yesterday? That's it. All we're interested in is what the guests got up to yesterday, nothing more.
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Day before yesterday, Max? Nope. The greatest and most interesting day of your life? Unless it was yesterday, we don't want to know about it.
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I'm Max Rushden. And I'm David O'Doherty. Welcome to What Did You Do Yesterday? Hello and welcome to today's episode of What Did You Do Yesterday?
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There's David O'Doherty. Hello, David O'Doherty. Welcome to today's episode of What Did You Do Yesterday?
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Who's it with, Max? It's with Sooz Kempner, another person that I've booked for the show.
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Somebody who I tour with regularly and see her on the circuit. For the tape, we have just finished recording.
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And yeah, there's some real firsts in here. Yeah. There's two or three. We've never had this before, which is very exciting because you sort of, you know, I don't ever think we'll run out of new stuff, but you know, it's nice that it wasn't just
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another comedian who just sat on their phone all day. Yeah. Sipping a latte in Brighton.
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No. Although Brighton does figure. Of course it does. It couldn't not. And actually, we didn't really pick up on that as well as we should have done.
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Now you mention it. When Brighton appeared, we were like, oh yeah, fair enough. That's just what everybody does.
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It does. Tell the listeners about Sooz and where you can find her, etc. Sooz is a rarest of things in comedy because she is a comedian who is actually talented,
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a musician, a proper singer of all things. Check out her podcast, which is called Mystery on the Rocks.
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She is working on a new show at the moment that is going to be excellent.
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It's called Sooz Kempner is Ugly and opens at the Edinburgh Fringe in August. She's been in Doctor Who type spin-off stuff.
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Sooz is great. Sooz is great. And this is what she did yesterday. Sooz Kempner, welcome to What Did You Do Yesterday?
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Hi, guys. Thank you. It's a pleasure to have you. Sooz, I would ask you how you are, but that's a today question and it's not relevant.
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Of course. Let's just move into the past. And also, I discovered today, while what counts as research, that you voiced the three times table on number blocks.
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I may have heard that 55,000 times. Do you want to hear it again? It was like operatic.
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And then they went, could you do Northern? So I literally had to do this three times table going, one, three, three.
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And you got them all right. And it really was. I had to read it.
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I had to read it every time. I'd never memorized that times table. Okay. Let's get down to business, Sooz.
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What time did you wake up yesterday morning? I woke up at about quarter past six because my mum, I live with my mum, and when she gets up, she makes so much noise that I wake up when, basically when she's banging around.
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Pots and pans? The drums? She's just quite heavy footed. And it's quite a small house, so you'll just hear, there's a door, there's a door.
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And sometimes I last till she leaves the house, which is the front door, but that would only be like quarter to seven.
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And I'm above the front door. Why is she up so early? She works with horses and they need you from very early.
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Whoa, this is a good start. Now, I like this. 6.15, also divisible by three. Just if we keep the three.
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It'd be interesting if everything in your life now corresponds to the three times tables.
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Yeah. I have a question, which is, is there an age whereby you don't just yell, mum, shut up?
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I think the last time, I know the last time I did, it was like, because she wakes up during the night all the time and then watches stuff on her laptop.
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And once I woke up and she was like laughing out loud. She was going from her room.
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But it was like three in the morning and she was watching Would I Lie to You?
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And I went, that's ridiculous. Stop it. Shut up. I do think at three in the morning, you know, if I was struggling and I couldn't get back to sleep, I would watch, you know, Bob Mortimer claiming that he invented the egg.
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And like, you know, I'd have a really good time. I think it's a good choice from your mum.
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Well, yeah, but enjoy it quietly. Who laughs out loud on their own that loud?
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That's a good question. That's what a mad person does. Ha ha ha. She's like, like she was there.
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Okay. So 6.15, your clod hopping mum is just, you know, she's like one of those big things in Fraggle Rock, a key reference that everyone will get.
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You know, she's galumphing around the house. She also, she has a saddle under her arm and those sort of little boots that jockeys have, you know, with the white trousers.
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Yeah, she's got a hat with a pink and teal suit on. She works for some sultan of Middle Eastern country who owns lots of racehorses.
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Now we know her. Great. This is Anna. Yeah. Okay. So do you stay in, do you jump up immediately to, you know, greet your mother or do you just stay in bed and fume?
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Absolutely not. But I had planned, we planned ahead. I was going to go, because I like to ride horses too.
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I was going to go join her at the yard at half seven. It's 20 minutes away.
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So I got a bit longer in bed. I knew that I had to be out of bed by seven and then I could leave the house by 10 past.
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So I woke up and that means that I could watch EastEnders in bed because it's on the new episodes are on from six a.m.
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Is that right? So hang on. This is very. Firstly, David, I'm very, I'm hoping we're going to get our first bit of horse riding.
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Yes. Ever. This will be the first one. Had no horse riding, but also so many questions.
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How's Ian Beale? Yeah. He's not great at the moment. I'm afraid his mum, his mum tried.
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She tried to kill Cindy Beale with a snow shovel over Christmas. And no one's quite come to terms with that yet.
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But Cindy lived and now she's making Ian's life a misery. OK. Yeah. What I've never been able to get past with EastEnders is that one year, one of the actors released a song that was the theme from EastEnders with lyrics over it.
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It's Anita Dobson, Anyone Can Fall In Love. Yeah. Yes. Which has just put in my brain that.
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Every instrument, like Antiques Roadshow or whatever, has lyrics as well. Antiques Roadshow, Antiques Roadshow, Antiques Roadshow.
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The things are old, but some not as old. Are they worth a lot? Are they worth a lot?
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For insurance purposes, for insurance purposes. It's an interesting choice of TV show first thing in the morning.
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Like, like, it's not getting you up. You know, it's not, it's not an upper, is it?
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I don't know, man. Sometimes EastEnders is dead funny. And also, like, I can cope with any amount of misery on my screen.
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So this is, this is, again, this runs in the family. My mum wanted to watch Handmaid's Tale and I'd already seen the whole first series.
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So she binged it in two days. That's heavy. The whole first series. That's 10 episodes.
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Okay. So, so what happened in EastEnders yesterday? Hang on, hang on. Max, Max, who's won?
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Moment, please. What I'm intrigued by with this, imagine if Sooz lives her whole day backwards, as in watching EastEnders would be the thing you do before you doze off.
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Maybe you do some late night horse riding then. What if, like, the day ends with she eats a bunch of eggs and goes to sleep?
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So, so, I mean, I, I haven't watched EastEnders for quite a while. Did anybody walk into the mechanics and not Grant?
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Well, who's the other one? Phil. Did Phil Mitchell slide out from under a car?
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On one of those, you know, four little wheels and just say, oh, I'm going to sue it later or something like that.
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Did that happen? Yeah. No, I tell you what, Phil doesn't work at the garage anymore.
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He's got his hands full because he's looking, you remember Nigel? With the curly hair?
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Who ran the video shop. Yeah. He's back in it now. And he had a secret and no one knew what his secret was.
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And then it turned out, he's like, I've got dementia. And now Phil is like his carer.
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Genuinely, that is what's happening. Oh, wow. Sooz, can you? Can you tell us what the, so to people who, around the world who might know EastEnders, it's the long running soap opera on the BBC that ends with the drums go.
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What was the cliffhanger? Oh, what was the, oh, the cliffhanger was Phil's cousin, Teddy, is married to a woman called Nicola, who had her son's girlfriend killed four years ago.
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And they've just found out. And her other son, it turns out, is not Teddy, Phil's cousin's son.
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It's Zach, a personal trainer's son. And he knows because he saw the blood types and he was like, wait a minute, they don't match up.
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So, and he knows all about blood types because he got diagnosed, he's HIV positive.
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So he knows all about blood types. And he knows all about blood. And he, so that was the cliffhanger.
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He was like, I know that, Teddy. I know, Teddy, you're not his dad. I'm Barney's dad.
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I'm imagining the moment was he's looking down at a microscope. I don't know how you judge blood types, but I imagine, and he looks up and he goes, oh, do not Adam and Eve this, or whatever, and it goes, do, do, do.
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It was a bit like that, yeah. In EastEnders, do they ever do the old neighbours thing of just one day an actor is just played by a different person and everyone?
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Everyone pretends that this is still Lucy. Yeah, this has happened a bunch of times, but usually the actor's been away for ages.
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Like, we've had seven Bens. Oh, that's good, because there were three Lucys, weren't there?
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And there was one where, I think, who was it in Neighbours? It was like, maybe Bronwyn or someone was just a different character for like two weeks, totally unreferenced, and then the same one came back.
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One of the only people I know, I'm in Melbourne. And one of the only people I know is Alan Fletcher, who plays Dr. Carl Kennedy from Neighbours.
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He did tell me a funny story about, do you remember Drew? Drew was quite a dishy guy.
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And he said, he just had enough of being in Neighbours. So he just said, I'm handing my notice in.
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It's like three months notice. And they were like, yeah, yeah, yeah. No one, no one has the notice.
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We kill people. No one has the notice in. And like the day before, he was like, I am leaving tomorrow.
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And they were like, oh, fuck. And they were literally like, just get on that horse and then fall off the horse.
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And then that's how they killed him. He just fell off the horse one day.
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They were just like, he's not going to go. So they just chucked him on a horse.
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That's why they did it. Yeah. That's amazing. Great. Really good. Okay. So EastEnders finishes.
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And at that moment, you know, action stations. Because, you know, you've only got like 20 minutes to get ready before we go to the yard.
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That's it. Yeah. I mean, I had laid out my clothes for riding the horse the night before.
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Great. Statson. Statson. Those metal spurs which go spin round. Yeah. Bolo tie. Did you lay out some jodhpurs?
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Because we were discussing jodhpurs with Joel Domet. And we learned about why they're called jodhpurs.
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Just because he has a kid's book that, you know, says J is for jodhpurs.
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He's like, I'm not sure. J is for jodhpurs? I'm not sure that's the J you would use.
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You know, juggling is better. Okay. So this is the first jodhpur wearing episode as well, I guess you'd imagine.
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Wow. I think the first, you are maybe the only comedian we've had who doesn't just pick up the clothes that are lying on the floor for the night before and puts them on.
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This is very impressive. But I've got lots of clothes lying on the floor. Like it's a really, it's a state.
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The jodhpurs I wanted to wear, I couldn't find them. Right, okay. You've got multiple jodhpurs.
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Yeah, I do. I have two pairs. Two pairs of jodhpurs. Wonderful. I've got a grey pair that I really like.
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They're very comfortable. And the other pair, a little bit small, which I didn't, didn't like first thing in the morning, but whatever.
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I knew I wanted to ride that horse, so. Sooz, what is the performance and advantages of jodhpurs over, say, just jeans?
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It's something to do with, because the saddle won't pinch you and they've got, do you know what?
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I can show you, because they're right here. Oh my, live jodhpurs. So these are the jodhpurs.
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Here are my jodhpurs. And you see on the seat, they've got this like double seam so you don't get rubbed.
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And it's got sticky, little sticky things on it. Wow, okay. To like give you a grip in the saddle.
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Yeah. Because they're slippy. So do you just get out of bed and get straight into the jodhpurs?
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Or do you have a shower or do you have some coffee first? No, no shower.
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No shower, no coffee. I just brush my teeth in the jodhpurs. Wow. I didn't even brush my hair.
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Just I put it, I tied it back and went, here we go. I put a bit of sunscreen on just in case because I'm trying to stave off.
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Any of the signs of ageing. Sure. Forever. You're doing great. Can I say? Thank you.
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Thanks. But you are covered head to toe in sun cream. We can't actually see you.
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So for the tape, it's worth saying that. All right. This is very exciting. So is your mum in jodhpurs too?
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Is everyone in jodhpurs? Yeah, she is. My mum's in jodhpurs. This is wonderful. Everyone at the yard.
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Everyone at the yard was in jodhpurs. Do you have special episodes of EastEnders made where every character is also in jodhpurs as well?
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I insist. Sooz, where I am, there's three different sorts of horsing, okay? There's the one in the bookies, okay?
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Yeah, very soon. There is the Princess Anne one where you get concussed, a giant piece of wood falls on you, and there is jousting.
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There's jousting, yeah, that's another one. They're the three different sorts. Well, that's not any of the ones that my mum does and that I was doing yesterday.
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My mum is a dressage rider. Wow. Is your mum Charlotte Dujardin? No. No, okay, okay.
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No, my mum has never been eliminated from the British team. Oh, yeah, she got in strife, didn't she?
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Oh, yeah, she punched a horse, yeah. My apologies. It was mouthing off, it was saying some terrible things.
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So dressage is the one where you effectively get the horse to moonwalk. Yeah, that's it, yeah.
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I've heard it described as like you're ratatouille-ing a horse. Yeah, because it looks like they're like, wow, look, the horse is just doing all its own, the rider isn't doing anything.
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And I can tell you from experience, oh, that's not true. Wow. It's hard, it's so hard.
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I'm so bad at it. That's okay. David and I, we're both pretty good, but not amazing.
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So you're in good company. You're not going to judge me. You're in good company.
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So does anything happen before you leave the house? You brush your teeth, jog. Puffers on.
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And then mum's like, off we go. Is that it? Oh, I let one of my cats in.
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Okay. Just one? Is there one you like and one? Just one. The other one was, yeah, the other one I was like, get out.
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I let Freddie Mercury in because he was outside the door, but Brian May, she was doing the rounds.
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Great. That's good quality cat names. Had Freddie been out for the night then? Gadding about?
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No. My mum let him out this morning. She let them both out for their breakfast, we feed them outside and then they come back in as and when they feel like it.
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Right. But they ask us, they have to ask us, we don't have a cat flap.
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Right. And then you and mum are going together to the yard? No, she was already there because she was doing some horse-related things first.
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Okay. And then I got there at about 7.35. How long's the drive to the yard?
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About 25 minutes. Okay, and what do we listen to on the way there? Oh, I've been listening to, sorry, it's a rival podcast, but it's a podcast called Britanology.
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Our big rivals. And they are doing a series. They've been doing, it's these two guys, Milo Edwards, the comedian, and another guy called Nate, who I don't know what he does, but they have been discussing every episode of Michael Apted's Up series.
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Is that the Up series? Every seven years they go back and find out what those kids are up.
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Oh, right, that one. Yeah, and I'm sort of obsessed. I'm obsessed with that series, so I'm really enjoying this podcast, yeah.
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Yeah, it's not to be mixed with the Pixar animation of the same name. That's what I thought, yeah.
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No. In my mind, unfortunately, and this happens sometimes because I would have watched this film with my niece with other films, Up has blended with WALL-E, the last robot on Earth.
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Yeah, oh yeah. Yeah, the little guy. It implies that the guy nurses his beloved wife to her.
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To her death and then leaves the house and there's just an apocalypse except for one robot, which is an interesting film, but a different film.
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Okay, so we arrive at the yard, Sooz. I've already arrived at the stables, yeah.
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We park. Have your pockets full of sugar lumps? Come on, give us the... I didn't bring any treats.
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I didn't bring any treats for Roddy. The horse is called Roddy. Roddy. I know.
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Rowdy Roddy Pony. That's good, that's good. Does he have, like, Rowdy Roddy Piper? Does he have, like, an electrical...
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What are they thinking? He had a thing that electrocuted people, Rowdy Roddy Piper, in the WWF.
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What, like a cattle prod? He had a cattle prod. That seems extreme. Yeah, I mean, a lot of WWF was reasonably extreme back in the day.
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Some people suggest it actually wasn't charged or didn't have batteries in it, but I don't know.
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I don't think anyone could act that well. Okay, so we arrive, you've got no treats for Roddy.
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What's the etiquette? I don't know what... When you arrive at a stable, what is the process from there to being on the horse dressaging about with Roddy, Roddy, Roddy, Piper?
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I dressage around. I put my boots on, put the boots on. I feel quite like, yeah, now we're ready for action once I've got the riding boots on.
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And then he's looking over his stall door at me. Like Mr. Red. A little bit like that.
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He's a very friendly guy. He's got a nice little personality, Roddy. Thank you very much to Jeanette.
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It's Jeanette's horse and she lets me ride on him whenever I want. And he's 23.
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He's 23 now, but that doesn't stop him being afraid of things that are static and by the sand school.
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But that is horses. And is that old for a horse? Yeah, it's quite old.
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Like at the Olympics, the oldest you'd get is like sort of 18, 19, at the very oldest.
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So the winner of the gold medal in the last Olympics in the dressage was 17.
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And it was like, oh, how amazing, a 17-year-old one. So 23 is pretty old, yeah.
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So, I mean, you might be getting scared because you get older, you know, your world sort of, you get a bit more insular.
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He doesn't really want to go out. He's tired. He's feeling a bit like Nigel out of EastEnders.
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Just voted for reform. Yeah, I know. I get the picture with Roddy, yeah. Are there lots of stable lads running around, some tiny little men, you know, with flat caps on?
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It's all women. It's all women, not a flat cap in sight. Or dealing with the horses.
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One of the horses is called Clooney and he went out and he had a hood on and he had all stuff to keep the flies off him and he was really chuffed to be out.
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He was having a roll around. God, I've never been on a horse. I've never.
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Have you not? Do you want to come down and have a go on Roddy?
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When I was little, we had a Labrador and sometimes I would throw a leg over the Labrador and just gently sit on its back.
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Yeah. But it would never, you know, I think I was waiting for the day when, the Labrador would say, let's do this and take me off like Never Ending Story or whatever.
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But Max, have you been on a horse? I think I've been on three horses and I think the first horse I went on was in, I think it was in Mexico going up a mountain on a horse.
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It would have been, it was, this horse was not 23, it was about 58. And I think it would have been quicker and safer if I'd carried the horse up the mountain.
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And then the next horse I went on. It was taking its damn time. Oh wow, poor thing.
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The next horse I went on, I think, I think this was during the Soccer AM Glory Years.
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And I think the British Horse Foundation, whatever, they would, they would, they want to get young people into racing, right?
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And so what they did is they gave us a horse and we would follow, so we'd follow the horse and, you know, if it raced, we'd go to the races and we'd just sort of film.
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It was like a tie in with, I don't know, racing, something or other. And that horse was called T for three.
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And that horse was being trained in the Newport, West Wales. So like on the beaches, on the beach in Wales.
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And I went down, I went down there and we filmed and they said, do you want to meet the horse?
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I was, I don't know, do you want to get on the horse? I was like, yeah, well, sure.
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I want to get on the horse, right? This is a, like a thoroughbred. This is a thoroughbred.
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This horse went on to, I think, not necessarily win, may have won the Grand National, but like placed in the, Grand National.
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Oh, this is proper then. This is, yeah. Right, it's a proper horse. So I'm sitting on the horse and the little stable lad is holding the rope.
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And. All right, Mr. Ashton. Yeah, and then, yeah, exactly. And then it's a chimney sweep in his spare time.
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And the producer says to the cameraman, let them go. As in like, let the horse go out of shot.
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Nice way to end, right? And the stable lad hears that and lets go of the rope, right?
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Oh, no. This fucking horse. Fucking bolted. Starts like galloping into the sea, right? And honestly, honestly, it is.
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And I was like, I'm going to die. And they're filming it. This is a disaster.
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It's also absolutely terrifying. Having only been on a 200 year old horse that literally couldn't trot.
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This horse. I'm amazed you stayed on. Well done. I fucking, honestly, I don't know.
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I don't know what happened. And, you know, it was just one of the most frightening experiences in my life.
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How do you, how do you pull the brakes on a horse? In that situation, I would say I just pull back on the reins so that it went, oh, I see.
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You want me to stop. So it's a bit different in dressage. You've got a number of things you do.
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Yeah, but that was the other interesting thing that I didn't mention is as we got in the sea, I just did a little bit and we did the moon, we moonwalked back.
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But anyway, this won't come as a surprise. Surprise to you, Sooz, but to some listeners who aren't aware of horses.
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God, they're big old things. Yeah. They are really big. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, people who haven't been around horses are always blown away when they're then close up with one.
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They're like, Jesus Christ, because they're as big as like you'd imagine a dinosaur to be.
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Basically. Like a proper big dressage horse. They're massive. They're only sort of one step below a shire.
24:52 - 24:57
That's the slogan for horses. They're trying to bring in horses. They're as big as you'd imagine a dinosaur.
24:57 - 25:07
Their head is as big as my torso. Yeah. If it's a nice one, you can hug its whole head.
25:07 - 25:20
So we're on, Roddy. Get on the horse. My mum rides in first because she gets him going in a nice outline, i.e. she gets his postural set nice.
25:20 - 25:25
Because what he'd really like to do is slouch and stick his head out and do as little as possible.
25:25 - 25:29
He's quite a lazy man. Do you think... We're in with the shout for the next Olympics, Sooz.
25:29 - 25:35
Like, are you at a reasonable level? Like, the only thing letting me down at this point is Roddy.
25:35 - 25:41
Okay, yeah, that's a big thing. No, I would never in a million years be anywhere good enough.
25:41 - 25:51
I couldn't ride a Grand Prix dressage test. Max, it's very different to Gary Lineker's day because by this point, all he'd done is eaten a wagon wheel.
25:51 - 25:57
I listened to that yesterday as well, actually. On my way back. I was listening to that.
25:57 - 26:02
And the minute it started, I was like, I hope they ask him about shitting himself at Italia 90.
26:02 - 26:06
And it came up immediately. Straight away, yeah. Okay, so how long are you on Roddy?
26:06 - 26:16
About 20 minutes. 20 minutes is long enough for a dressage lesson, yeah. Okay. And then what, we just, we jump off the horse and then what, then where are we?
26:16 - 26:20
Jump off. Driving back, yeah. Then we untack him. We put him out in the field.
26:20 - 26:24
He looked over the gate like, ah, where's me treat? It's like, there aren't any.
26:24 - 26:31
So he started eating the grass. And yeah, then I went home. And on the way home, I've sold, oh, this is cool.
26:31 - 26:39
I sold two old iPods on eBay for like 60 pounds each. I don't even know if they turn on.
26:39 - 26:43
I had to say in the listing, look, they used to work back when I used them.
26:43 - 26:48
Wow. Going back five, six, seven years. But I don't know if they still do and I can't test it.
26:48 - 26:51
I don't have the charges. They sell for 60 quid each. So I had to send them off.
26:51 - 26:55
Have you just had them for years? They've just been sitting in a drawer. Yeah.
26:55 - 27:00
Not using them. And I went, oh, I'm never going to use them. And then someone told me you can get some money for those.
27:00 - 27:09
I tell you, Max, here's what I think has actually happened. Sooz, what she's left out from this morning, she dresses in black, gets on Robbie.
27:09 - 27:18
They ride through the centre of London. And when they spot someone with an iPod, she just snatches it out of their hand and then rides on.
27:18 - 27:25
Presumably, the only flaw in that is they would have to ride at 88 miles an hour and then go into the past.
27:27 - 27:35
To find people who still had iPods. Yeah, who is still using these? It's a weird niche form of theft.
27:35 - 27:40
Dressage, iPod theft. You do have to do all that. You do have to do all that.
27:40 - 27:46
But, hey, I obviously did it. That's great. What a profitable journey home. Okay, so now we're home.
27:46 - 27:54
I go into nine. I played all my word games. I usually do them when I first wake up, but today I did them when I got back.
27:54 - 27:58
And what order do we do them in? I'm going to guess. Connections. Yeah, go for it.
27:58 - 28:12
Connections. Okay. The mini New York Times crossword. Wordle. The stupid one where you find the clue and the words where you're trying to connect the top to the bottom.
28:12 - 28:19
Oh, I hate that one. Strands. I don't do that one. Yep. And then you follow that with the Guardian Simplex.
28:19 - 28:27
I'm going to say you start with Wordle. Guarantee. Everyone starts with Wordle. And then Connections and that.
28:27 - 28:36
That's all you have time for. Oh, no. I had nothing but time, Max. I start with Wordle, which sometimes I get it done in under a minute.
28:36 - 28:43
And this one, I got it in two. But then you click a thing and it goes like skill 80, luck 95.
28:43 - 28:47
Like, shut up. Yeah, I don't like that. No one's that lucky. I was very good.
28:47 - 28:52
Why did they bother bringing that stuff in? It's just. And I get annoyed when I check.
28:52 - 28:57
Yeah. All right. So Wordle first. Wordle in two. That's good. Yeah, Wordle, then Connections.
28:57 - 29:04
Which I got 100%. I didn't have to do any new guesses. Then I played Blossom.
29:04 - 29:09
You know Blossom? No. That is a different one. It's not on New York Times.
29:09 - 29:16
It's a Merriam-Webster one. Okay. What's the basic? It's like Spelling Bee. Okay, yeah, yeah.
29:16 - 29:20
It's a bit like Spelling Bee on New York Times, which I then play. Okay.
29:20 - 29:24
So they're my four. All right. And then if I've got a lot of time, I'll do the crossword.
29:24 - 29:29
Do you smell a horse? Like, does a horse. Yeah, probably. I'd say it does.
29:29 - 29:35
In a way that a motorbike makes you smell of motorbikes. Yes. And what is a horse if not just like an acoustic motorbike?
29:35 - 29:44
That's got its own opinions, yeah. Yeah. I did smell of horses, actually, but I quite like it.
29:44 - 29:47
And there was no one around. Like, my mum's gone off at this point to Nana's.
29:47 - 29:52
My Nana's 95. She lives two hours away. My mum has to go up and check on her all the time.
29:52 - 29:59
Is she ridden there? Gone up on a horse. She hasn't. She drove her Hyundai there.
29:59 - 30:10
Oh, okay. But Nana reckons the TV remote controls the central heating and stuff. And once she muted the TV when my mum was on the phone, and when my mum came in from being on the phone,
30:10 - 30:13
she went, when I pressed mute on the television, it stopped you talking as well.
30:13 - 30:19
And she thought it was true. And these are all like, we call them nan-ic-dotes.
30:19 - 30:28
Oh, that's good. But it's not my joke, but I stole it from an ancient bit that Russell Brand, who did, so I think I'm allowed it.
30:28 - 30:32
Yeah. I think I can have it. I think I can go like, yeah, nan-ic-dotes.
30:32 - 30:37
Yeah, I say that. You are allowed to use it, but you have to sell one of his amulets online.
30:37 - 30:44
They're very good. What can I say? I don't agree with what the man did, but great amulets.
30:44 - 30:49
But all really good amulets. So you haven't had anything to eat yet? You've had nothing to eat or drink?
30:49 - 30:56
No. She hasn't eaten anything. No. At 10.30, I heated up last night's kebab. I had half a...
30:56 - 31:05
Lamb shish kebab left. So you had a day backwards. She's having a... She's not quiet because nobody rides a horse just before bedtime, do they?
31:05 - 31:08
I mean, no one does dress up just before bedtime. But you have half a shish kebab.
31:08 - 31:13
Yeah, not even the top people. No. Okay, was this a kebab you'd got from a kebab shop or was it a...
31:13 - 31:21
Yeah, it was from Shiraz in my hometown, which do really... They're quite posh kebabs, actually.
31:21 - 31:25
But I'd had a flush day on Sunday, so I went, ooh, do you know what?
31:25 - 31:30
I can order myself one. One of their 15-pound kebabs as a little treat on Sunday.
31:30 - 31:37
And then I ate half of it on the Monday. Did me two days. We are well set up now for a big afternoon, I feel.
31:37 - 31:43
I mean, because you've had your athletics in the morning. Although, is it tiring riding a horse?
31:43 - 31:48
I'd say it is. It is. It genuinely is. I know it looks like, but you're just sitting there.
31:48 - 31:54
I get so out of breath doing dressage. Way more than I do if I go jumping.
31:54 - 31:57
If I do any jumping, I don't get out of breath as much as when I do dressage.
31:57 - 32:03
Because you've got to lock your abs on constantly. Right. So to be clear, that's jumping on a horse, not just go.
32:03 - 32:12
I'm jumping. Hey, guys. Don't worry, everyone. That's just Anna Kempner's daughter. She's weird. All right.
32:12 - 32:18
So you have your kebab. I have my kebab. That's great. So it's a sheesh.
32:18 - 32:24
If you've got like, because yesterday's kebab, sometimes there's salad and, you know, the bread is.
32:24 - 32:32
I didn't heat up the salad. No, the salad's in a separate thing. And it comes with bulgur wheat.
32:32 - 32:36
That's what it's called, isn't it? It comes with that, which has got a nice dressing on it.
32:36 - 32:41
So I heated all that up. And then I added the, is it pronounced jajik?
32:41 - 32:43
I've got some of that as well. So I dumped all that on. It's quite nice.
32:43 - 32:46
It's a nice kebab. And then you've got the bread. You can just dip it in.
32:46 - 32:51
It's not like, it doesn't just come in a pita. That's lovely. It was a really nice lunch at 10.30.
32:51 - 32:58
That's early for a kebab, but it does sound tasty. And I had my. I had my coffee at that point.
32:58 - 33:04
I'm allowed sometimes two a day if I don't make them too strong. And I do it the same way every time.
33:04 - 33:13
It's instant granules with hazelnut syrup and milk and cream. Oh, gosh. And then you put your hot water on.
33:13 - 33:19
Yeah, it's like what a child would drink. That's an ordeal. That's an amazing coffee.
33:19 - 33:25
Wow. And sometimes I have two of those. Yeah. It was a great morning, actually.
33:25 - 33:28
I didn't feel like I'd got. I got a lot done. So what happens next?
33:28 - 33:35
Well, then I'm sort of, I got to like half 11 and I went, I might as well go to bed.
33:35 - 33:38
So I got him to my bed. Oh, yes. I love a nap so much.
33:38 - 33:45
The dream is to get a half hour nap in. I didn't manage it, but I sort of lazed around.
33:45 - 33:51
I've been watching the rehearsal, season two of the rehearsal, the new Nathan Fielder series.
33:51 - 33:56
Incredible. I was at a wedding in Canada because my boyfriend knows him and I was at a wedding.
33:56 - 34:05
I was at a wedding in Canada in September 2023 and he was there at the wedding and I got introduced and I wasn't very cool about it.
34:05 - 34:12
I was like, oh, bloody hell. And I thought, I wonder if he'd be charmed just because I'm English and he wasn't.
34:12 - 34:21
Oh. We didn't make friends or anything. Oh, shit. Because at a wedding you've got a chance, haven't you, to be like, oh, actually, yeah, we got on really well.
34:21 - 34:31
Yeah. I mean, nothing bad happened. But at one point I saw him on the next morning, after the wedding, this has stuck with me forever, and it's like my boyfriend thinks I should just stop thinking about it,
34:31 - 34:43
it's not important. But he was walking past, and this was the morning after the wedding, and so there was like a big breakfast at this big place the wedding had been at, and our eyes met, and I waved like that,
34:43 - 34:49
and he just looked away. Oh, no. And I'm never going to get over it.
34:49 - 34:54
And my boyfriend's like, that is, don't worry about it. He's probably hung over it.
34:54 - 34:57
Don't worry about it. Who cares? How big was the? How big was the wave?
34:57 - 35:05
Was it sort of both hands? Yeah. Hello? Look, you've met me. It was one hand, one hand wave, but I did go like, hi.
35:05 - 35:11
Oh, wow. I panicked. I was like, oh, no, we're looking at each other. Hiya.
35:11 - 35:21
Fair enough. Have the horses taught you nothing? You've got to go over. You've just got to pat it authoritatively on the side like I have a fucking clue.
35:21 - 35:24
I don't know how to switch on a horse, but I would imagine that's what you do.
35:24 - 35:31
You can't do that. Big pat on the neck. Hello, mate. Get in a headlock and then be like, we're going to walk very slowly, but calmly today.
35:31 - 35:36
Yeah, come on. And the horse is like, I get it. Yeah. Have you ever been starstruck, David?
35:36 - 35:43
You don't strike me as the type. You're so famous, David. I bet you could meet Nathan Fielder and you're like, we're equals.
35:43 - 35:54
Stop. The, uh, not really. I don't, uh, I've met, there's a journalist called Paul Kimmich.
35:54 - 36:08
Richard Littlejohn. Is that it? Um, there's a, there's a journalist called Paul Kimmich, who was the guy, one of the guys who brought down Lance Armstrong and he was a professional cyclist in the era when
36:08 - 36:16
I was obsessed with, I had his picture on my wall when I was little and I once got to interview him.
36:16 - 36:30
He's a man who's so hardcore. He once traveled to LA, I think, just to ask Lance Armstrong in a press conference if, with him coming back to cycling, some say the cancer has returned to the sport.
36:30 - 36:35
So that's how hardcore he is. This is that guy. Oh, he's like the main guy.
36:35 - 36:41
I didn't realize he'd been a cyclist as well. He's the main guy. That's amazing.
36:41 - 36:51
I think because he'd been on my wall when I was a kid. I did feel, yeah, I got to interview him and I was starstruck with that.
36:51 - 36:56
That, that is cool. Because you would meet a lot of footballers, Max. I wouldn't say.
36:56 - 37:04
Do they hold much shock value for you? No, no, not. And it's interesting because quite a lot of people sort of bow at their feet.
37:04 - 37:08
And if you're just a bit normal, I think they kind of quite like it.
37:08 - 37:20
Generally, they're just like, oh, someone is just treating me like a human being. I mean, I've mentioned already, but the first time I met Dr. Carl Kennedy from Neighbors, I was like, wow, this guy, this is the guy.
37:20 - 37:29
I would be, I reckon I would be. Aside from that, no, I don't. Like the whole idea of this podcast is I don't think anyone's life is interesting.
37:29 - 37:33
So like, you know, the most famous person in the world, they'd just be doing the same thing.
37:33 - 37:38
Apart from not all of them be doing dressage, but, you know, they're getting up, doing something, having lunch, doing something.
37:38 - 37:49
You know, like that is just what we're all doing. My friend did, was obsessed with Van Morrison, like genuinely thought he was a mystic and was invited backstage at a gig to meet him.
37:49 - 37:56
But his first encounter with Van Morrison was Van Morrison banging on the door of the loo where my friend was having a wee.
37:56 - 38:05
And using the third person saying, Van Morrison needs to do a shite. Don't meet your heroes.
38:05 - 38:18
Third person as well. That's so funny. All right, so we've laid in bed. We're having a relaxing time watching the rehearsal.
38:18 - 38:25
And then at about half 12, guess who's up? Toronto boyfriend. Because he lives in Toronto.
38:26 - 38:30
Oh, it's long distance at the moment. OK. Yeah, yeah. It's been long distance from the start.
38:30 - 38:41
Eventually he wants to move here with our glittering job prospects and cheap housing. But he rings when he gets up at about half seven.
38:41 - 38:48
Oh, that's nice. Which is 12.30 our time. So then I'm like wide awake and bothering him while he's just waking up.
38:48 - 38:53
And are we FaceTime? Is it a classic old school phone call? What are we doing?
38:53 - 38:59
It's WhatsApp. It's a video chat. Yeah. OK. Yeah, that's a good one. WhatsApp video.
38:59 - 39:06
So we catch up on what he did the night before, because obviously he goes to bed when I'm at like 5 a.m. my time.
39:06 - 39:14
Hang on. Wait. This wasn't a podcast, was it? Because I'm about to launch my lawyers on this chat.
39:14 - 39:21
You can no longer talk to him, I'm afraid, about that. Good point. Good point.
39:21 - 39:28
Well, I won't divulge that bit. You have a good chat. Oh, we were on the phone for like three hours.
39:28 - 39:33
Most days we chat for like hours. Wow. It's a real waste of my time.
39:33 - 39:38
Oh, that's really lovely. Of everyone's time. It is, but I can't wait for him to live here.
39:38 - 39:46
Yeah. We were long distance for three years, although for those three years I wanted her to go out with me and she didn't want me to go out with her.
39:46 - 39:53
I'm not sure that's long distance. What, when you were married? So we were in touch a great deal.
39:53 - 40:08
And I think it was slightly different. It was sort of the, what I call the ambiguous years that she would call the, I wasn't really into years, but it did sort of, you know, it has a romance to it when she finally became
40:08 - 40:11
interested that, you know, that this sort of courtship had gone on for so long.
40:11 - 40:19
Mate, what wore her down eventually? Oh, just constant messages on Skype. Just Skype. That Skype voice.
40:19 - 40:24
Keep bothering them until they go, oh, fine. She just couldn't hear that Skype noise again.
40:24 - 40:31
And so she was like. Oh, I'll move to London. Whatever. You know, sort of that, I think.
40:31 - 40:36
Oh, it's nice though. It worked out. It's the most romantic tale you've ever heard.
40:36 - 40:45
He wore her down after three years. Yeah. Okay. So how long have you been with Toronto Man?
40:45 - 40:53
In August, it'll be three years. We followed each other on Twitter like in 2014. Oh, wow.
40:53 - 40:59
And we chatted loads around like 2014. 2015, 2016. He's a comedian too. So we had mutuals and we followed each other.
40:59 - 41:07
And then like 2016, beginning of 2016, we were like messaging all the time. We never had a phone call.
41:07 - 41:11
We never really had a flirt, but we were like messaging all day, all the time.
41:11 - 41:17
And then he ghosted me. Whoa. What? Yeah. Do you know what he'd gone and done?
41:17 - 41:22
He'd gone and got himself a girlfriend in his own country. What a selfish pig.
41:22 - 41:25
He would love me talking about this on the podcast. And then we just didn't.
41:26 - 41:32
We didn't have any chatting for like years until the pandemic. And then we did each other's podcasts over Zoom.
41:32 - 41:38
Right. I know someone international. And your podcast is called Will You Go Out With Me, Canadian Man?
41:38 - 41:49
Like, you won't believe how long the game I'll play is. Oh, that's great. He was charmed just by me being British.
41:49 - 41:54
So you can imagine why I thought Nathan Fielder would just like hear the accent and go, you sound interesting.
41:55 - 42:03
Guess again. So you chatted yesterday for three hours? Three hours on FaceTime, yeah. That's good.
42:03 - 42:08
And are you doing like, and while you're chatting, are you occasionally just like doing the washing up and like doing other stuff?
42:08 - 42:17
Oh yeah, like I take the computer all over the house and then I'm like eating some more of the kebab because some of the bread was left over, so I ate that.
42:17 - 42:23
And then we, sometimes we both play our word games at the same time. Oh, that's lovely.
42:23 - 42:28
And then, I guess it was like four-ish, I had to start getting ready for my gig.
42:28 - 42:34
Yeah. Oh yeah. Here we go. This is good, so you're just like, oh, we'll chat for three hours tomorrow.
42:34 - 42:38
And when are you next to see each other? This is not yesterday related, David, aren't you?
42:38 - 42:43
He gets here, yeah, I don't know when this comes out, but he will be here in mid-June for a week.
42:43 - 42:48
Oh, great. So that's why he's coming here. It's a pain in the arse long distance.
42:48 - 42:56
I think it must have been a lot easier to have these long distance relationships a hundred years ago where you could just move to their country pretty cheaply without visas and that.
42:56 - 43:00
And also just write a letter and it might get there, it might not. Yeah, yeah.
43:00 - 43:07
You probably couldn't have as much back and forth. Yeah, yeah. All right, so we've got gig preparation from four.
43:07 - 43:17
Talk us through it. Yeah, I think around then, oh, and I did a bit of work on, I'm in a musical in June called The Frogs and I went over the,
43:17 - 43:23
I've got like one song in it and I went over the song. You have actual talent.
43:23 - 43:29
You know, no one will ever. No one will ever ask me to say, could you guest on my musical or whatever.
43:29 - 43:37
I don't know. I think you would, I think if you reached out, people would be like, go, oh yeah, that would be great.
43:37 - 43:42
Thank you. Let's do it, David. What are we going to be? I don't, we shouldn't go for Hamilton.
43:42 - 43:47
That's a tricky one to begin with. But I reckon Joseph, Joseph, we could be in Joseph.
43:47 - 43:53
Do you reckon Joseph? I think you'd be a great Joseph, David. What's the famous song from Joseph and I'll try and sing it.
43:54 - 44:05
Yeah, Andrea, I close my eyes. Here we go, here we go. I close. I'm one of those people who has an unexpectedly low singing voice when I try and sing properly.
44:05 - 44:09
It's Barry White's. It's Barry White's. This is so exciting. I know why that is.
44:09 - 44:14
I know why that is, by the way. It's because you dropped your larynx, which is the right thing to do.
44:14 - 44:21
Pick it up. By dropping your larynx, you get a very dark tone, which is why your intuition is to sing low.
44:21 - 44:27
That's why that happens. Who sings? Any dream will do. What character in Joseph is it?
44:27 - 44:42
Joseph does. Jason Donovan or Philip Schofield, depending. Probably Jason Donovan. Probably Donovan. There's no way Donovan's going down into his nuts the way I'm going with this.
44:42 - 44:49
Do you remember when James Earl Jones played Joseph? That was one of my favourites.
44:49 - 44:54
An unconventional choice. He did a couple of months at the Gielgud, and it was just marvellous.
44:54 - 45:04
It was really good. People said it redefined the role. I think it is a tough song to bring the sort of dark cragginess that I'm going to bring to it.
45:04 - 45:20
Nick Cave is Joseph. Pull back the curtain. What a rich sound. Thank you. Don't be surprised if offers come in.
45:20 - 45:27
Is it not, like, how long's the run of Frogs? Well, the run is four weeks, but they've got a different person.
45:27 - 45:32
They've got a different guest star playing Pluto every week, so I'm only doing a week.
45:32 - 45:39
But it's, like, someone from Drag Race, someone who was in It's a Sin, I think.
45:39 - 45:44
So they're, like, guest people. We're just doing, like, two days of rehearsal. But is that eight shows?
45:44 - 45:50
Because I always think, like, eight shows in a week is insane. And, like, matinee, I think, is insane.
45:50 - 45:54
To do it, come up and do exactly the same thing, I'd be like, I can't do that, I just did it.
45:54 - 46:04
I know. Honestly, I would. Like, last year, I was in, they did, like, Bruce Robinson adapted Withnail and I for the stage.
46:04 - 46:12
So it was the world premiere of Withnail and I. And I played all the women, and they had a live band all the way, because there's not that many in Withnail and I.
46:12 - 46:18
And then there's a live band doing all the music, and it's music from the film plus other songs from the late 60s.
46:18 - 46:23
And I was the lead singer and did some keyboards in the band. So we were doing that.
46:23 - 46:29
And that was eight shows a week, and the run was only four weeks. And by the end of it, I was like, I think we've done enough of this.
46:29 - 46:34
What was the song you had to keep playing? You were just like, I can't hear that song ever again.
46:34 - 46:43
There was this song. No, Uncle Monty, please stay away from the cottage. Monty, you're a terrible c***.
46:43 - 46:53
It wasn't a musical. So it was just like, we'd like the scene where they run out of the pub, you know, they're like, ah, they run out of the pub.
46:53 - 46:58
Because that guy's like, I called him a pants and now I'm calling you one.
46:58 - 47:06
They run out of the pub. And then we not blast in with, in the white room with black curtains near the station.
47:06 - 47:13
We blast in with like a minute of that. And then later on, well, it opens with White a Shade of Pale.
47:13 - 47:19
And when the curtain went off, and the audience saw it was a live band, the audience would go like, oh, bloody hell, every time, which was quite cool.
47:19 - 47:24
But I did get quite fed up with doing the same thing every night. We had fun hanging out though.
47:24 - 47:30
So that's all right. I think if you've got a good company, you will at least enjoy the social time.
47:30 - 47:35
And then you do the show. Sorry to, again, we're not in my comfort zone.
47:35 - 47:46
This is a bit like horses, a very little experience of musicals. But surely doing the same thing again is the essence of a musical.
47:46 - 47:55
As in, if it's Les Mis, you can't just go in your, you can't be like, all right, let's, bring the king back.
47:55 - 48:02
You know, you've got to stick to it. I remember an interview with Roger Lloyd Pack, who's died, hasn't he?
48:02 - 48:05
But he played Trigger in Only Fools and Horses. And he was in a play.
48:05 - 48:10
And in the interview, they said, how do you keep it fresh every night? And he said, oh, well, you can change it up.
48:10 - 48:14
Like sometimes in the middle of one of my monologues, I will sit down in a chair.
48:14 - 48:20
And I was thinking like, that's not enough for me. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Across the streams.
48:20 - 48:28
But we were talking about on Football Weekly, the theatre, because my co-host on that, Barry Glendenning, hates the theatre.
48:28 - 48:31
It's just a funny thing to hate. All of it, all of it, not interested.
48:31 - 48:37
And then someone emailed in to say they went as a school kid to a play and Roger Lloyd Pack was in it.
48:37 - 48:43
And obviously they just wanted it to be Trigger. And it wasn't, he wasn't doing any triggering at all.
48:43 - 48:49
A bit like my friend Nick. He didn't say call anyone, Dave. A bit like my friend Nick, who I think we talked about this, who loved Star Wars.
48:49 - 48:57
And so then he would open the Radio Times and find every film, that Alec Guinness was in, and watch them and be eternally disappointed.
48:57 - 49:03
He was hoping Obi-Wan Kenobi in this. This is life before the internet. Exactly, yeah.
49:03 - 49:09
It's so funny. Oh, yes. We're getting ready for your gig soon. Getting ready. I did a bit of work on that ad.
49:09 - 49:16
I had a bath. I never shower. I have a bath. And people say, oh, well, you're still, you're just lying in your own filth.
49:16 - 49:20
I'm like, I'm fine with that. I mean, David is head of PR for baths.
49:20 - 49:25
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you set it as warm as possible? So do you get into the empty bath?
49:25 - 49:29
At what point do you get in while the water is still going in? Or do you...
49:29 - 49:37
It's usually, I would say an inch and a half of water. And then I get in and I like kneel in it and go, and every time go, should have waited.
49:37 - 49:48
But it's so nice as it fills up around. That's so interesting because David made a big thing early in this podcast about how he lowers himself into the bath.
49:48 - 49:54
And then everyone who's had a bath, we ask how they lower themselves in. And then someone realised, actually everyone does it exactly the same way.
49:54 - 49:58
But you are the first person to get in when there's basically no water in.
49:58 - 50:06
Kneeling. Yeah, I get in and I kneel. Right. So you kneel in the bath and then at what point do you unfurl yourself and lie back?
50:06 - 50:12
It's usually, usually as it's, as it's reached as full as it's going to get, actually.
50:12 - 50:21
Yeah. I see. I wait till then. I've only just realised what I do is I'm kneeling and I've got my hands in two fists and I'm sort of leaning on them a bit.
50:21 - 50:30
Okay. Okay. I see. And I was watching YouTube. So I got that. I balanced my laptop on the side of the bath and watched YouTube.
50:30 - 50:34
But sort of sitting a bit like you'd imagine a gorilla. Yes. So what YouTube have you put on?
50:34 - 50:40
Because obviously you can't, your hands are clenched, famously difficult to change YouTube videos. Can't do no typing.
50:40 - 50:45
And they're in the water. So what have we put on? How to get into a bath.
50:45 - 51:01
Yeah. Like the gorilla approach. Here we are. This is great. Okay. I was probably watching, I think around that point in the day, I'd have been catching up on, there's a YouTube channel called No Justice.
51:01 - 51:11
She's really good. Helena. She's like an economist, specializes in the economy. And she just does really good debunking videos.
51:11 - 51:17
She's dead funny and scathing. So she'll show a politician's interview and go, let me fact check that.
51:17 - 51:24
And it's really good. I wouldn't YouTube in the bath. I don't know if, sacred is too strong a word.
51:24 - 51:33
But sometimes if the helencopter comes in from being out, she'll hear the taps and just come in for a chat.
51:33 - 51:39
Okay. And she will always say, I just have this look of injustice on my face.
51:39 - 51:55
Just what the hell are you doing? I am at a very personal time. Even though it's just me similarly kneeling with my fists clenched while his football podcast plays sitting on the loo.
51:55 - 52:04
And Helen's just like, this isn't a sacred time at all. You're just a sweaty, steamy man.
52:04 - 52:16
Okay. If I did live with my fella and he came in for a chat, I like to think that I'd be like, oh, that's nice.
52:16 - 52:23
But that's because I don't live with him. And if I did, I think the novelty of that would wear off pretty fast.
52:23 - 52:33
Yeah, I get over it. It's still nice to see her, but there is something deeply personal about my bath time.
52:33 - 52:44
That bath time. So you'd never have YouTube on? I wouldn't have YouTube on. No, a podcast maybe, but probably a classier podcast than Max talking about football.
52:44 - 52:53
Probably an in our time on the life of Moliere. You know, something like that where I'm really learning something.
52:53 - 53:01
Yeah, yeah, sure, sure. How long are you in the bath? Not that long. Sometimes I'll do half an hour, but it's rare.
53:01 - 53:05
It's usually 10 to 15. That's okay, that's okay. That's enough. Do you just lie in it?
53:05 - 53:09
I find that's enough. Because that's the thing that people say about a bath. I do wash.
53:09 - 53:11
I don't just go out. You wash and then you have to have a shower.
53:11 - 53:15
You shower at the end. That's the sort of ultimate, isn't it? No, no, no.
53:15 - 53:27
I'm not double bagging. No, no, you idiot. You absolute, you ignoramus. How could you even consider showering off the bath water?
53:27 - 53:46
I would never. I tend to not dry very well. And then just, if no one's around, and to be honest, if Helen's around, yes, sometimes I will just decadently promenade around the house in the nudes or just start doing,
53:46 - 53:50
like if I have an email to send or whatever, it'll be me in full work mode.
53:50 - 53:59
But absolutely, like, punishingly naked, yes. I don't know. I'm not much of a walk-around nude person.
53:59 - 54:05
Definitely, I do dry off. But I had to then immediately get ready for the gig, so there was no time for decadence.
54:05 - 54:13
Interestingly, I had a shower just before this podcast and I was drying myself in the living room and Jamie said, the way you dry yourself gives me the ick.
54:13 - 54:22
I think because I sort of put one leg, I will put one, I'll hoist a leg on like a sideboard or something to sort of dry the necessary.
54:23 - 54:30
On the sideboard. The necessary area. I think it's really high as well, so your legs like around your shoulder height.
54:30 - 54:43
Your foot is on the... She doesn't... There was once when we lived in London, we had a sort of mezzanine and I was doing that as she was sort of downstairs and I was sort of looking down,
54:43 - 54:54
but I hadn't really considered the exact angle that was really terrible. But then quite recently, I had to look for something under the telly and I'd just come out of the shower,
54:54 - 55:00
so I just went... Then she was like, that was the worst... That was the worst commute that she'd had in a long time.
55:00 - 55:06
Why have you put me through this? I blame the parents. I don't think I was ever taught to dry.
55:06 - 55:21
No, I don't think I was. Because I certainly wasn't taught to wash because occasionally I will have a shower and say post-football, it's only at the drying you realise there's mud all over your legs and now it's all over the towel.
55:21 - 55:30
Yeah, sort of the towel becomes an extension of the washing, yeah. Yes. Okay, so we get ready for the gig, we get ready for the gig, Sooz.
55:30 - 55:37
Where are we playing? Where have we got to get to? I was going to drive down to Brighton because it was Bank Holiday Monday.
55:37 - 55:43
Trains are a mess. I live near Gatwick and the trains are such a state and it's like £18 for a return.
55:43 - 55:48
It's insane. So I thought I'll drive down. I know somewhere I can park. You'll get a horse down.
55:48 - 55:54
Yeah, yeah. A clip clopped down on Roddy. Me and Rowdy Roddy pose and a clip clopped down.
55:54 - 55:57
Have we eaten anything else? Have we eaten anything else before we've left the house?
55:57 - 56:02
We've just had the kebab. Is there anything else? I don't think I did. I think I just ate the kebab.
56:02 - 56:11
But I knew that when I got to my venue at six, I parked outside the Cats Protection League charity shop because you can park two hours for £3.40.
56:11 - 56:22
So I did that. And I walked and then the parking's free. So I walked down to the gig and it was at the Actors which used to be the Marlborough in Brighton.
56:23 - 56:27
And we'd been told you get free dinner at six and the show's at 7.30. Great.
56:27 - 56:32
So I was there. I was there for that free dinner and I had squash and courgette curry.
56:32 - 56:38
Yeah. Great. How was it? Really good. It was filling but not too much, you know.
56:38 - 56:45
The Cats Protection League does sound like an organisation that assists elderly jazz musicians or something.
56:45 - 56:56
These cats need our help. I bet you get some good nan-ic-dotes down there. The thing about curry, I'm nervous about a curry before a performance, you know, because...
56:56 - 57:03
Veggie curry's fine, though. You think? Okay. Yeah, and also, like, I don't know. It doesn't seem to matter the food I eat.
57:03 - 57:09
If there's going to be, like, a brown problem, it won't be because of what I've eaten.
57:09 - 57:19
Right, okay. It never is. It's always just, like, random. Yeah. I wasn't thinking just immediately about, like, the entire line-up, you know, just shitting all over the stage.
57:19 - 57:24
You know, it was more just a bit... Yeah, everyone seemed fine. ...heavy after a curry.
57:24 - 57:27
You know, it feels like curry and then bed. Yeah, no, it was all right.
57:27 - 57:30
Okay, good. Okay, so we have a curry. Curry and then bed. Deal with that in the morning.
57:30 - 57:34
Then you're, what, loitering for an hour? No, ate a curry, and then it was...
57:34 - 57:47
We went up to the room above the pub, and we did the gig, and it was the 10th anniversary of Lamb Comedy, which is, like, a floating Brighton comedy company that books all year round,
57:47 - 57:56
and this was their 10th anniversary, and Amy, who runs it, had invited some of her favourite acts from across the years to come down and do it.
57:56 - 58:02
So I was on with Athena Koblenu, who I never get to see, because we're rarely on the same bill together.
58:02 - 58:09
So we got to hang out. That was nice. She's good fun. Are you trying out a few new bits, or are you doing the old classics?
58:09 - 58:16
I did. Do you know what? I was feeling quite tired, because it had been a long day, and I'd done a preview the day before, and the day before that,
58:16 - 58:22
I had to drive Shafiqa Sandy to Wales, because I'd been doing tour support for her, so I was really knackered.
58:23 - 58:29
And what I decided was, I'm going to do some good, reliable stuff. But they were such a nice audience, so I got to be a bit silly with them.
58:29 - 58:34
Do you know what's good about when I do dressage in the morning? It fixes my posture for the whole day.
58:34 - 58:42
So on stage, I could feel like my shoulders were dead loose and down. The government should just bring that in free for everyone, shouldn't they?
58:42 - 58:52
Free dressage for everyone. Yeah, it's good. It gives you beautiful posture. I just feel with the amount of pressure you're under at the moment in your life, Max, with your two children,
58:53 - 59:02
and then when you get into quite a lot of trouble for playing a football match once every two weeks, if you were then to add to that, it's just, right, everyone,
59:02 - 59:09
let's get up and do our four horses, one for a 12-week-old, one for a three-year-old.
59:09 - 59:18
My brother, my niece is three and a half. It's my brother and his wife's only kid.
59:18 - 59:26
And he's been trying to get her into horses and they live quite far away and he's been trying to get her into horses because obviously my mum's got access.
59:26 - 59:31
But she's got access to great big dressage horses, not nice little safe ponies for kids.
59:31 - 59:36
And so they brought, a few weeks ago he was like, it's a momentous day.
59:36 - 59:39
Ari, that's my niece's name, she's going to have her first ride on a horse.
59:39 - 59:49
And so my mum and my brother were going to lead her around on Roddy and they came down on the train, two hours, taxi from the station to where this yard is,
59:49 - 59:57
miles from a station, and they got there and they, put her on this horse, led her around one circuit and she went, can I get off now?
59:57 - 1:00:04
And I said, I've been saying like, he's lucky, the last thing he wants is for her to be horse mad.
1:00:04 - 1:00:10
It's too expensive as a hobby. It'd be tough to find, sorry, just back to cowboys again.
1:00:10 - 1:00:22
Yeah, cowboys, yeah. If you were to shoot on the back of a horse, okay, that would be, it would really take a lot of training to get a horse that isn't going to react.
1:00:22 - 1:00:30
Yeah. To you shooting. I swear, right? Because in World War I, they were still riding horses into battle.
1:00:30 - 1:00:35
And I swear loads of those soldiers must have died just because their horses went, oh, Jesus Christ.
1:00:35 - 1:00:39
And sort of they just fell off the back and the horses ran off to safety.
1:00:39 - 1:00:45
I swear that must have happened a bunch of times. They probably didn't have a lot of time to train the horses, did they?
1:00:45 - 1:00:51
No, we've all seen War Horse. They were just like, this one pulls a cart and now it can be ridden into war.
1:00:51 - 1:00:58
Oh God, it's so sad. Yeah, it's horrible, isn't it? What a world. There's nowhere to go from there.
1:00:58 - 1:01:02
It's just sad, isn't it? No, sorry about that. And the horses. No, you're all right.
1:01:02 - 1:01:09
The World War I was sad, I guess, when you think about it. I think World War I, if I had to come down on one side or the other, I wouldn't pick a nation,
1:01:09 - 1:01:12
but I do think the whole thing was quite sad. Yeah, I think you're probably right.
1:01:12 - 1:01:19
I don't really like war. I think it's a net negative. Yeah, I think you're probably right.
1:01:19 - 1:01:26
Do you know that Joe Rogan's got in trouble recently with people who don't know much about history talking about history on his podcast?
1:01:26 - 1:01:30
I think this could be us right here and now. They said war was bad!
1:01:30 - 1:01:44
Overall, World War I was a sad war, I think. I agree with that. At the end of the gig, is this a hang around and say thanks to everybody or is it just get in the car and back home?
1:01:44 - 1:01:47
Oh, literally, the gig ran quite late and it was too hot in the room.
1:01:47 - 1:01:52
It was overrunning and it was like 10 o'clock by the time we finished and I was like, oh, I don't be home by 10.
1:01:53 - 1:01:56
So I just went, bye, and ran to my car. But it was a nice gig.
1:01:56 - 1:02:01
Also, I took it on because they were like, oh, you can promote your Brighton Fringe show by doing the gig.
1:02:01 - 1:02:06
So I went, oh, yeah, good idea. So I took it on. But my Brighton Fringe show was the day before.
1:02:06 - 1:02:15
So essentially, I was like, everyone, make sure you ride Rowdy Boddy Pony at 88 miles an hour so you can go back a day and see my show.
1:02:15 - 1:02:20
But that's my own fault. That's like admin error. All right, so we're home at 10.30.
1:02:20 - 1:02:29
I've got, no. Oh, sorry. The journey home. What do we listen to? Well, I ran to my car, which is over a mile away.
1:02:29 - 1:02:32
I did run as well. I was like, I'm going to run to my car.
1:02:32 - 1:02:41
At the Cats Protection Jazz Club. Salute the cats. Top cat is there. Yeah. You got Miles Davis.
1:02:41 - 1:02:54
Top cat. I jumped in my car. I put my coapteds up, the Britanology podcast, talking about it, and then I'm like, I got petrol, £10.
1:02:54 - 1:02:59
And then I rang my boyfriend because I like to chat to him when I'm on the road.
1:02:59 - 1:03:06
So I was driving along, but there's always a bit between Brighton and home on the A23 where you lose signal for 15 minutes, which I think is ridiculous.
1:03:06 - 1:03:11
Okay. So we had 15 minutes of just nothing. 15 minutes of put the podcast back on, to be honest.
1:03:11 - 1:03:18
Okay, fine. It just auto plays when the call cuts out. But yeah, then he likes a gig report.
1:03:18 - 1:03:22
And how was the gig? Really nice. It was really good. Yeah, there was nothing wrong with it.
1:03:22 - 1:03:27
It was just hot in the room. So by the time it finished, I was like, all right, get me to my house.
1:03:27 - 1:03:36
You guys should be together in the same place. I think so. I know. It's just a money thing.
1:03:36 - 1:03:43
You're going to have to steal a lot more iPods. I know. Yeah. And Rowdy Woody Pony's getting on a bit.
1:03:43 - 1:03:48
So I don't know how many more we're going to be able to steal using our famous method.
1:03:48 - 1:03:58
My nest egg was me two old iPods and I've already... So we get in the door at what, half ten?
1:03:58 - 1:04:03
Eleven. It was eleven when I got in. And are we straight to bed or are we...
1:04:03 - 1:04:09
No. I call my boyfriend again and we have a drink together. Oh, that's nice.
1:04:09 - 1:04:19
So I made myself an old fashioned like Don Draper. Oh, okay. And I have an old fashioned and he...
1:04:19 - 1:04:26
I think actually, I think he was just having a little cup of tea because for him, it was 6pm and he still had to go out and work himself.
1:04:26 - 1:04:35
So I was just gradually getting more drunk and ranting and raving. And then he stays on the phone to me till I go to sleep usually.
1:04:35 - 1:04:44
Oh, this is so beautiful. This is so lovely. So as in to the point, it's like, does he have to like stay on until you're actually asleep?
1:04:44 - 1:04:50
Or do you like... Sometimes he just goes, oh, you're falling asleep. So I'm going to go and I'm like, yeah, bye.
1:04:50 - 1:04:57
Or sometimes I don't, like I'd remember him leaving the call, but I hope he doesn't watch me for too long.
1:04:57 - 1:05:07
That'd be weird, wouldn't it? Sometimes I wake up with a start. You wake up at 2am and there's just these eyes staring at you.
1:05:07 - 1:05:16
No, no, no. That's never happened. But sometimes like 20 minutes after the calls ended, I go, oh, and I get all confused to go, oh God, hello, Michael.
1:05:16 - 1:05:20
And I ring him. I go, I'm sorry. And he goes, no, it's fine. We ended this call.
1:05:20 - 1:05:29
Please leave me alone. It's beautiful. It reminds me of Max when he was courting with Mrs.
1:05:29 - 1:05:35
Max. Yeah. Except just her final words before she does his offer. Just, this is just a friendship.
1:05:35 - 1:05:45
I just do it to break the sound of the Skype. I love you. I'm just not in love with you.
1:05:45 - 1:05:53
What made her finally fall for you? Great question. What do you think? Was there a specific thing?
1:05:53 - 1:05:57
Because I know we were like, ha ha, you wore her down, but that's not what happened.
1:05:57 - 1:06:00
There must have been something where she went, wait, I had shit in my eyes this whole time.
1:06:00 - 1:06:07
Yeah. Well, she had had shit in her eyes the whole time. That was true.
1:06:07 - 1:06:11
I think we've just been talking until, I think a bit like you, like we were just talking all the time.
1:06:11 - 1:06:17
And I can't remember if there was one day where, I don't know, my phone wasn't on or whatever.
1:06:17 - 1:06:21
And then she was like, oh, that's weird. I haven't spoken to him. And then she asked me out eventually.
1:06:21 - 1:06:27
She asked me out. Oh, that's nice. I'd been playing it pretty cool. Yeah, well done.
1:06:27 - 1:06:32
Thanks. I mean, in a way I had, but in many other ways, like. Not really.
1:06:32 - 1:06:40
She'd just been in Vermont and I just happened to be there for no apparent reason and other things like that.
1:06:40 - 1:06:49
I fell for my fella because I was recording my first ever tape special, like first ever comedy special that was going to be put out there.
1:06:49 - 1:06:55
And on the day, my, then not boyfriend just Canadian man I was chatting to all the time.
1:06:55 - 1:07:04
He sent me a 25 pound John Lewis voucher. I was so touched that I went, Oh my God, I feel.
1:07:04 - 1:07:12
And I told someone and she is Joe comedian, Jenny Bede. I told her, I was like, Jenny sent me a 25 pound John Lewis voucher.
1:07:12 - 1:07:20
And she just went, Sooz, he's your boyfriend. And then 10 months later we met. Oh, that's so beautiful.
1:07:20 - 1:07:37
So now we're asleep. You, he is, he's staring at you for hours, drinking his cup of tea and, and sort of just like sipping the tea, but once every 15 minutes till it's freezing and he keeps sipping it like a serial killer. I imagine would.
1:07:37 - 1:07:43
Did you say, cause it feels like a good day. That's a busy day. It starts in a brilliant way.
1:07:43 - 1:07:49
What a start. I did. It started with a horse and it ended with a Canadian gentleman.
1:07:49 - 1:07:58
Yeah. As old days should. As every day should. Begin with horse, end with whiskey.
1:07:58 - 1:08:12
Oh, well, thank you, Sue. Thanks for coming on. Thanks. So there was Sooz Kepner's day.
1:08:12 - 1:08:18
David, I love a day that begins straight away with EastEnders. That is a, what a way to start a day.
1:08:18 - 1:08:29
I, that really threw me now at the start. It's, it's not, it's not that we feel our way into this podcast, but no one's ever thrown a jagged curve ball like that.
1:08:29 - 1:08:40
I remember going to a screening for, for Bronson when I think Tom Hardy was going to come on soccer and then he didn't, but it was at 10 o'clock in the morning.
1:08:40 - 1:08:46
And I was like, this is too early to watch Bronson. And in my mind, 6.15 AM is too early to watch EastEnders.
1:08:46 - 1:08:57
It's like, I'm not ready for, you know, Sharon to just come in, you know, walk into her living room and just open a whiskey and down a shot.
1:08:57 - 1:09:03
Cause she's just furious about everything. We really had nothing to say about horses and dressage.
1:09:03 - 1:09:15
Like I just feel, let's imagine it was football. Okay. And we were like cracking jokes that are that basic, you know, Oh, people running around chasing a roundy thing.
1:09:15 - 1:09:25
Like that's the level of analysis we have on, on dressage. I suggested all stable, all people, all people who work at stables are tiny Irishman.
1:09:25 - 1:09:32
Yeah. I thought that was good gear, but you could just tell from her reaction to it.
1:09:32 - 1:09:41
Oh God. I mentioned sugar lumps. I'm like, QI is going all the time with me, isn't it?
1:09:41 - 1:09:57
Not sugar lumps. You idiot. Sooz hosts the guardians dressage weekly podcast where she gets on five hired old hacks from the dressage game and they go through the weekend dressage.
1:09:57 - 1:10:04
And also I have been behind the scenes working for months to get Charlotte Dujardin on this podcast.
1:10:04 - 1:10:19
And I just don't feel that's going to happen now. I didn't get that. So she is a prominent dressager who had been filmed cracking a whip in the vicinity of a dressaging horse.
1:10:19 - 1:10:28
Basically. I don't know. She, she, she didn't punch a horse and. Um, uh, but I just like saying Dujardin.
1:10:28 - 1:10:36
That's the main reason I really came across. You ever try David. It's really fun.
1:10:36 - 1:10:47
Once you said it once, you'll want to say it again. He, every to the listeners, every time I said Charlotte Dujardin, he had a face like, you know, when a baby takes a dump in a nappy,
1:10:47 - 1:10:56
it just sort of gazes skywards with a look of serenity. It's sort of, there's something euphoric about saying it.
1:10:56 - 1:11:02
Hey, if you'd like to get in touch with us, we would love to hear from you.
1:11:02 - 1:11:10
And here's how. To get in touch with the show, you can email us at whatdidyoudoyesterdaypod at gmail.com.
1:11:10 - 1:11:18
Follow us on Instagram at yesterdaypod. And please subscribe and leave a review if you liked it on your preferred podcast platform.
1:11:18 - 1:11:26
And if you didn't, please don't. Thank you, David. Thanks for doing this. In it for life, everything is showbiz.
1:11:26 - 1:11:32
In it for life, everything is showbiz. There was a line right at the end, wasn't it?
1:11:32 - 1:11:36
As any day, the day began with a horse and ended with a Canadian man.
1:11:36 - 1:11:46
As all days should. May your day start with a horse and end with a Canadian man.
1:11:46 - 1:12:26
Thanks for listening. Thank you.